Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

Last week's episode (177), I discussed how difficult it can be when feeling distressed, threatened, and reactive to engage in comfort with a significant other. As one of my clients puts so well "Why would I want comfort from you, when you are they one that is causing me pain!" Many of us did not get the experience of having comfort when we were young. Thus, we developed ways to deal with it, but more importantly, we don't have an internal system that we can trust to turn towards comfort and soothing in relationship. In episode 177, I offered some of the research to help give some general guidance in how to offer comfort. It is worth noting that there are typically some gender differences to consider, when offering comfort. Here is an article that might be helpful when contemplating how to offer comfort to a man: How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC For women, I would point to the tips mentioned in episode 177: Accept and listen to your partner. Understand the hurt. Be with the pain. Offer reflection and validation. Offer care and help. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Today, we are going to explore how to offer comfort to your partner in ways that are specific and unique to them. DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE (REFERENCING WIRED FOR LOVE, BY DR. STAN TATKIN): The importance of learning what comfort feels like for your partner. How to become an expert on your partner. Learning ways to lift up, reassure, and comfort when your partner is feeling vulnerable. Knowing your specific vulnerabilities. Knowing your partner's specific vulnerabilities. Knowing the antidotes to your vulnerabilities Knowing the antidotes to their vulnerabilities. In successful relationships,"Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for their relationship and for each other." by Dr. Stan Tatkin MENTIONED: ERP 177: How to offer Comfort to Your Significant Other (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC ERP 068: What Women Really Want…Really! With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Yuri Levin on Unsplash CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

Discussed In This Episode: During stress, ways we get it wrong when we try to comfort our partner. How offering physical and emotional closeness is one of the most powerful ways to offer comfort. Ways to provide physical closeness (i.e. hugging, holding, sitting close). General ways to offer emotional closeness: 1. Accept and listen to your partner. 2. Understand the hurt. 3. Be with the pain. 4. Offer reflection and validation. 5. Offer care and help. 6. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Mentioned: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Gus Moretta on Unsplash Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected] Transcript: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In This Episode, Dr. Keith Witt And Dr. Jessica Higgins Discuss: Understanding intersubjectivity – the unique space that exists between two people. Recognizing the powerful impact and influence of our emotional states on each other in relationship. Learning how to manage and shift out of reactive, defensive, and negative states and how to amplify positive states. Attending to the three foundations of a relationship; tending to your friendship, love affair, and capacity to heal injuries. Love can work between almost any human being if they're willing to learn how to cultivate positive, effective states with each other and regulate the negative states. "In general, what characterizes a happy couple is that mostly they have positive states towards each other; they're mostly influencing each other with positive emotions." – Keith Witt Mentioned: ERP 093: HOW THE "SHADOW" INFLUENCES OUR GROWTH IN LIFE AND IN RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) ERP 050: EXPLORING LOVE & CONSCIOUS EVOLUTION WITH DR. KEITH WITT (podcast) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) Integral Mindfulness: From Clueless to dialed In (book) The Attuned Family: How To Be a Great Parent To Your Kids and a Great Lover To Your Spouse (book) Sessions:: All Therapy Supports Relationships Integrating Towards Unity (book) The Gift of Shame: Why We Need Shame and How To Use it To Love and Grow (book) Waking Up: Psychotherapy as Art, Spirituality, And Science(book) Loving Completely: A Five Star Practice for Creating Great Relationships (book) Dr. Keith Witt – A Five Star Practice for Creating Beautiful Relationships (TEDxAmericanRiviera) Two rules for guys: Dr. Keith Witt (TEDxAmericanRiviera) 100 reasons not to have the secret affair: Keith Witt(TEDxAmericanRiviera) Connect With Dr. Keith Witt: Website: www.drkeithwitt.com Books: amazon.com/Keith-Witt Connect With Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected] Transcript: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 176: How to Give and Receive Influence – an Interview with Dr. Keith Witt If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and Dr. Scott Woolley discuss: Understanding the motivating factors of an affair and trusting it won't happen again. The internal working models of attachment about who we are, who other people are, and how we relate to them. The destructive impacts of taking revenge, public shaming, and waiting to make significant decisions. Key Takeaways: The three motivating factors for affairs are a reaction to what's going on or an attempt to change the relationship; protest or revenge; and relationship burnout. When talking to your partner about their pain and you are expressing genuine remorse over the suffering they are experiencing, you are with them at a fundamental level, and that starts the healing process. If people want to go through the process to save their relationship, it's possible, but it will take a lot of dedicated time and work for both partners, but it can be accomplished. "Don't give up on healing your relationship; it's possible that your relationship can be better than it has ever been." - Scott Woolley If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Connect with Dr. Scott Woolley: Website: www.drscottwoolley.com Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected] Audio production by Turnkey Podcast Productions. You're the expert. Your podcast will prove it.

Guest Byron Katie: In 1986, at the bottom of a ten-year spiral into depression, rage, and self-loathing, Byron Katie woke up one morning to a state of constant joy that has never left her. She realized that when she believed her stressful thoughts, she suffered, but that when she questioned them, she didn't suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Her simple yet powerful process of inquiry is called The Work. The Work consists of four questions and the turnarounds, which are a way of experiencing the opposite of what you believe. When you question a thought, you see around it to the choices beyond suffering. Katie has been bringing The Work to millions of people for more than thirty years. Her public events, weekend workshops, five-day intensives, nine-day School for The Work, and 28-day residential Turnaround House have brought freedom to people all over the world. Byron Katie's books include the bestselling Loving What Is, I Need Your Love—Is That True?, A Thousand Names for Joy, and A Mind at Home with Itself. For more information, visit thework.com. In this episode, Bryon Katie and Dr. Jessica Higgins discuss: The source of suffering is often what you are thinking and believing in any situation. Our judgments come between connection. The Work is a self-inquiry process to identify your thoughts, thinking, and believing; and then to question them through the Four Questions and Turnarounds. Our ego takes over our lives when are being our thoughts and thinking without self-inquiry. The Work is a meditative process, which includes getting still and getting in touch with your fullter experience. It takes courage to question our thinking, thoughts, and believing, to see our part, and look at ourselves from a different perspective. We are more powerful that what we are thinking or believing. The Work calls on us to take responsibility for our actions, thinking and life. The Work allows us to wake up to our true reality of our nature. Takeaways: With The Work, we can heal ourselves, and when we meet the next human being, we are more aware and enlightened to ourselves. There may only be six questions on the worksheet. However, it may take a week, or it might take two weeks, but go deeply. The Work is an inquiry; it's a way to identify the thought that you're thinking and believing in an actual situation in the past or situations that you imagine will happen in the future. The situations that you may fear or dread. "If I can get free, then anyone can get free, it's a process. We either believe our thoughts, or we question them, there is no other choice." — Byron Katie Mentioned: Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet (Byron Katie's website) Scroll down to the bottom or the page. You can also find the "One-Belief-at-a-Time Worksheet" as well. Byron Katie's story (website - about page) The Work (website) Byron Katie's events (website) Loving What Is (book) (please use this hyperlink) I Need Your Love—Is That True? (book) (please use this hyperlink) A Thousand Names for Joy (book) (please use this hyperlink) A Mind at Home with Itself (book) (please use this hyperlink) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Referenced Documents: The Work Worksheet Connect with Byron Katie: Twitter: @ByronKatie Facebook: facebook.com/theworkofbyronkatie Website: thework.com Book: thework.com/books YouTube: youtube.com/Thework Instagram: instagram.com/byron.katie Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected]

Guest David Emerald : David Emerald Womeldorff is the Creator-in-Chief of the 3 Vital Questions® leadership frameworks proven to powerfully boost teamwork and productivity. Thousands of people and organizations have achieved breakthroughs by applying his self-leadership techniques and attending his seminars worldwide. David and his wife and business partner Donna Zajonc (sajon) MCC have developed the frameworks that form the basis of the engaging workplace fable, 3 Vital Questions:Transforming Workplace Drama. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins and David Emerald discuss: Understanding the Drama Triangle and the three roles involved. The distinction between victimization and victimhood. Learning the Empowerment Dynamic and the three roles. The opposite of a victim position is a creator position. How telling a person that they are acting as a victim will trigger reactivity. Within the Drama Triangle, we focus on the problem. Within the Empowerment Dynamic, the focus is on the desired outcome. Key Takeaways: The three roles in the Drama Triangle are victim, challenger, and rescuer. The antidote to the Drama Triangle roles is the Empowerment Dynamic roles, creator, persecutor, and helper. It's natural to look at a problem and try to solve the problem. When the intention and the focus on the issue, it can spin us into this very hopeless, not empowered, lack of control place. The way we can escape the drama triangle is by shifting our focus to what we want to experience. For example,"What is it that we really want?" "A problem is rarely ever solved from within the victim orientation." — David Emerald If you have a topic you would like me to discuss; please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me. Referenced Episodes: 156 What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship 157 How to Shift Out of The Victim Position Links Mentioned: Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic): 10th Anniversary Edition (book) 3 Vital Questions (website) Power of Ted (website) Power of Ted Workshop Connect with David Emerald: Twitter: @powerofted Facebook: David Emerald The Power of TED Website: powerofted.com & 3vitalquestions.com Pinterest: pinterest.com/powerofted YouTube: The Power of TED LinkedIn: linkedin.com/company Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: [email protected]

In episode ERP 171, I read a listener's question and I shared some examples of different types of manipulative behavior. I also offered the first 2 tips on how to deal with manipulative behavior in relationship. If you missed it, I encourage you to check it out. To recap, the first two tips of How To Deal With Manipulative Behavior: 1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior 2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (4 OF 6): 3. Work on Differentiating: "The ability to balance our needs for autonomy and attachment is called differentiation. Differentiation is a scientific process that occurs in all species. For humans, it is about becoming more of a unique individual and a solid person through relationships with others." by Dr. David Schnarch Dr. David Schnarch's 4 Points of Balance: Solid flexible self Quiet mind and calm heart Grounded responding Meaningful Endurance Use visualization techniques to help yourself. "I can't tell you how many clients have said, when they're in their 20s or 30s: 'You know, when I looked at my dad, I realized I'm a foot taller than him.' And it was a revelation because they still felt so much littler. So being able to reverse that and recognize, 'Oh, I'm starting to feel small now, but wait a minute — I'm not,' can be helpful." Because, he says, "that's the point of it. That's how people manipulate. They make you feel small because that gives them more power." by Dr. Dan Neuharth 4. Set Limits and Boundaries: Know your options. For example, "If this happens, then I will do xyz." Use time as a resource. Don't feel pressured to respond to any on-the-spot request. Learn to say "no" diplomatically but firmly. Speaking the truth with tact. Have an honest and open conversation, with support if needed. Create some distance, if the person is unwilling to work with you. 5. Deal with Grief and Loss: Accepting that the person may not change. Deal with the limitations of the relationship. Grieve not having the relationship you hoped for, imagined, or longed for. 6. Hold a Mirror: In the article, "How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship," by Preston Ni, he described this concept of "holding a mirror" up to someone who may be making an unreasonable request. Put the focus back on them using probing questions. Reflect back the request and look at it together. Hopefully, the person will see the inequity of their request and reconsider. MENTIONED: ERP 171: HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) How to Recognize and Handle Manipulative Relationship, by Preston Ni (article) The Crucible 4 Points of Balance, by Dr. David Schnarch (article) ERP 135: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART ONE (podcast) ERP 136: HOW TO HANDLE GRIEF AND LOSS IN RELATIONSHIP – PART TWO (podcast) ERP 169: WHAT TO DO WHEN DEPRESSION TAKES HOLD IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP – DR. SUSAN HEITLER (podcast) ERP 110: HOW TO MANAGE TWO MAJORLY CONFLICTING NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) Intimacy & Desire (book) Passionate Marriage (book) Photo by Sebastian Pichler on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "First of all, thank you so much for doing the podcast. I have been learning so much about relationships and how to better improve my own. My question is about family and parents. Some background on my situation. I have told my very religious parents that I am moving out of the house. My boyfriend and I have found a place together and decided that our next step in our very committed relationship is to live together. I am 30 years old. My parents (mostly my mother) had a fit. She went on and on about how I am not "doing things the right way" and that she and everyone in her family disapproves. I told her that I was confident in my decision and I understand that she will not approve, but it is my decision. I also told her I never meant to hurt her. She has been crying and posting a lot of religious content on her social media. She's also been posting sad photos of her looking upset. I see that this is emotional manipulation and this is something I have had to deal with my whole life, hence the final push to move and get some space from my family. So my question is, what is the best way to deal with emotional manipulative parents? " (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) MANIPULATION: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? Manipulation is the act of trying to get someone to do something consciously or subconsciously. At what point do we call behavior persuasive/influential or manipulative? There is a range from having a healthy influence to toxic manipulation, and it is a matter of degrees. For example: Someone arguing their perspective and trying to get their partner to see their side. Or a teenager who wants to go out on a school night and is trying to convince his parents into letting him go out. Or an attorney who is attempting to persuade the jury in a particular direction. The line is usually crossed when a person is using guilt, force, or power to control someone else. Unfortunately, people often resort to control tactics when they are scared and afraid. They don't trust that someone will engage with them in a safe way, so they get aggressive, pushy, and critical. Or even worse, they use mental distortion and emotional exploitation to gain power and control. When people grow up in particularly unhealthy and painful environments, they often learn to cope in dysfunctional ways. When these patterns take hold in more extreme cases, people can develop personality disorders and mental health issues. TYPES OF MANIPULATION: In the article, 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People, by Preston Ni, he offers several types of manipulation. Here are a few (please read the article for more information): "Negative Manipulation. Designed to gain superiority by causing the victim to feel inferior, inadequate, insecure, and/or self-doubting. Positive Manipulation. Designed to bribe the victim emotionally to win favors, concessions, sacrifices, and/or commitments. Deception and Intrigue. Designed to distort the perception of the victim for easier control. Strategic Helplessness. Designed to exploit the victim's good will, guilty conscience, sense of duty and obligation, or protective and nurturing instinct. Hostility and Abuse. Designed to dominate and control the victim through overt aggression." by Preston Ni HOW TO DEAL WITH MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR (2 OF 6): 1. Identify The Manipulative Behavior: If something feels annoying, icky, or uncomfortable during an interaction, there is probably a good reason. If you reacting, feeling guilty, defensive, etc. you are caught in the manipulation. Write out the interaction. This will help you identify the manipulation. Then, you can get more perspective and look at the dynamic more objectively. Naming it to tame it. With more clarity, you will be better able to deal with the manipulative behavior differently in the future. 2. Focus On Your Power, Strength, And Goodness Identify your intention. Recognize your rights, (to be treated with respect, to have your own thoughts, feelings, and preference, a right to make choices, a right to say 'no" without feeling guilt). Know your needs. Work on your self-esteem. Improve your self-image. Recognize your worth, goodness, and strengths. Stay tuned for the next episode for the next four tips. MENTIONED: 12 Failures of Highly Manipulative People, by Preston Ni (article) ERP 015: DO YOU HAVE A "UNITY" OR "JOURNEY" MINDSET IN RELATIONSHIP? (podcast) ERP 162: HOW TO KNOW IF YOU ARE WITH A NARCISSIST AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT – DR. LISA FIRESTONE (podcast) ERP 121: HOW TO GET AN UNSUPPORTIVE PARENT ONBOARD (podcast) Photo by Nadine Shaabana on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please l

If you missed part one and part two, I encourage you to check these episodes out first as it gives to the foundation for today's conversation. In a relationship, it is easy to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. Yet, at the same time, we often overlook the ways in which we contribute to the problematic pattern. How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?" In part one and part two, we discussed tips 1 through 7. Today we will address tips number 8 through 14. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART THREE 8. Be Authentic, Genuine and Sincere The word "authentic' and the word "author" come from the same origin. If you have the tendency to please your partner, you run the risk of losing yourself. Do your best to take a moment and connect with what is true for you before discussing options with your partner. 9. Be Values-Driven, which Promotes Personal Integrity Know what your highest values are in your life (i.e. making a difference, health, family, security, fun, relationship, etc.). This will help you prioritize what matters most for you in your life, even when it might not be easy, convenient or fun. Do your best to follow through with your agreements, and when you run into an issue, renegotiate the agreement with your partner. Consistency over time builds trust. Be accountable to yourself. 10. Set Boundaries When you are authentic and connect to your values, your boundaries will be much more clear. Having boundaries helps you show up more fully with your partner. Setting limits helps your partner know, love and care for you more. Each person's needs are equally important in the relationship. 11. Listen, Deeply Listen Listening sounds basic enough, but so often we get wrapped up in a "me, me, me" attitude without even realizing it. Deeply listening offers a huge gift to your partner, where they can feel heard and seen. 12. Communicate Communicating positive things and in a positive way is important for the warmth and connection in your relationship (i.e. sharing the good news, expressing positive regard with kind eye contact and smiles). Slow down. Be present. Allow your partner to have an influence on you. Start-up a difficult conversation in a gentle way. Identify, acknowledge, and share your feelings. Check out assumptions, worries, and fears. 13. Be Grateful Being in a state of gratitude is thought to be one of the highest vibrational states. Cultivate gratitude. Develop a practice that helps you remember to be present to what is good and valuable in your life. 14. Keep It Fresh Change it up. Do something unexpected, Learn something new together. Change and learning give you and your partner an immediate feel-good neurochemical boost. Be creative and get outside of your comfort zone. MENTIONED: EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) ERP 168: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship – Part Two (podcast) Time Warrior, by Steve Chandler (book) Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (book) Intimacy & Desire, by David Schnarch (book) How to stop screwing yourself over by Mel Robbins (Ted Talk) Dr, Dan Seigal (website) Playback Theatre (website) Photo by Savs on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: DR. SUSAN HEITLER Susan Heitler PhD is a Denver clinical psychologist and widely-read author. Educated at Harvard and NYU, Susan Heitler offers self-help information for individuals and for couples. Dr. Heitler also writes for therapists, offering new understandings and treatments for anxiety, anger, depression, narcissism, and relationship challenges. Dr. Heitler's web-page provides an overview with links to 40+ years of books. blog posts, articles, podcasts, videos, webinars, online marriage education program, and more. Dr. Susan Heitler has earned a national and international reputation as one of America's leading psychologists. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) DEPRESSION: "What triggers depression is feeling powerless and giving up on something you want." by Dr. Susan Heitler Emotions get manifested in the body by physical changes. What triggers emotion is important. Depression is a disorder of power. There is a continuum of depression (going from being down or blue to having little ability to function and having suicidal ideation). Get help if you or your partner are experiencing severe depression through the way of a therapist and psychiatrist. BUMP MODEL: Challenges in life are the bumps in the road. How you respond to the bump in the road helps determine what you experience going forward. 3 P'S PRESCRIPTION FOR DEALING WITH DEPRESSION: Pinpoint. Figure out the trigger. What is the bump in the road? Pump up. Take a deep breath. Take a power pose. Imagine yourself getting bigger and taller. Problem solve. Think of solutions from a much more empowered position. TWO QUESTIONS TO TEST FOR DEPRESSION: After pinpointing the issue, ask yourself "Do you feel small compared to the other person or other thing involved?" Are you engaging in the negative cognitive triad (thinking negatively about self, others, and the future)? HOW COUPLES CAN DEAL WITH DEPRESSION: Share concerns. Listen to concerns. Aim for win/win solutions. ENJOY ANTIDOTES FOR DEPRESSION TOGETHER: Sunshine. Music. Nature. Activity. HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR PARTNER'S BAD MOOD: If you want to help your partner, don't assume what they need. Ask. Ask your partner "What helps and what doesn't help?" If your partner is in a negative space, you may want to go do a separate activity to create some space (where you can experience positivity). Then, maybe your partner can join your positive mood, rather than you joining your partner's negative mood. Don't take your partner's irritability and anger. Create safety together for talking about what is going on. Engaging in a relationship well requires maturity and skill. MENTIONED: Lift Depression With These 3 Prescriptions- Without-Pills | Susan Heitler | TEDxWilmington (Video) Prescriptions Without Pills (Website) 5 Realities About Depression That Make It Highly Contagious, by Dr. Susan Heitler (Article) Therapy Help (Website) The Power of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage (Book) The Power of Two Workbook: Communication Skills for a Strong & Loving Marriage (Book) Prescriptions Without Pills: For Relief from Depression, Anger, Anxiety, and More (Book) Conflict Resolution for Couples (Podcast episode) Depression: A Disorder of Power (Podcast episode) Dr. Susan Heitler on Psychology Today (Webpage) Power of Two (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

PART-ONE RECAP: In episode 167, part one, we explored the human tendency to focus on what our partner is doing that isn't working or is problematic. While this is a natural tendency, we are overlooking the ways in which we might be contributing to the pattern of disconnect. How often do we ask the question, "How lovable am I being right now?" Easier said than done. There are many things that get in the way of acting in ways that set-up a positive cycle of loving interactions. In episode 167, we also talked about the various ways that people define a "successful relationship." Be sure to check out the episode to learn more. The first two tips of How To Be More Lovable in Relationship: 1. Be kind 2. Show vulnerability and reveal more fully (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE – PART TWO 3. Be clear on your reason for giving It can be easy to fall into the trap of keeping score in a relationship. There is a difference between have an agreement and giving to your partner. Giving is a way of helping, offering support or being generous in some way. Try to connect with the reason you are giving *What feels good about giving?" 4. Turn towards your partner When your partner "bids for your attention," do your best to respond. A bid for attention is any attempt from one partner to the another for connection, warmth, affirmation or affection. Unfortunately, when partners get into negative cycles, they often snub each other or give each other the cold should (almost to communicate "I am still mad at you. Look how bad you hurt me."). However, this lack of responsiveness destroys connection. In the article titled, "Turn Towards Instead of Away" published on The Gottman Institute's website, Zack Brittle writes about this single most important research finding. He says: "John Gottman conducted a study with newlyweds and then followed up with them six years later. Many of the couples had remained together. Many had divorced. The couples that stayed married were much better at one thing, they Turned Towards Instead of Away. At the six-year follow-up, couples that had stayed married turned towards one another 86% of the time. Couples that had divorced averaged only 33% of the time. The secret is turning towards." In "Turn Towards Instead of Away" Zack Brittle offers some good reflection question for you to work with. I encourage you to check it out. 5. Be there for your partner The adult romantic attachment research helps us understand the importance of prioritizing a sense of safety in the emotional bond between partners in relationship. Susan Johnson identifies the importance of A.R.E. to help cultivate a sense of security for couples. A.R.E stands for: Accessible Responsive Engaged 6. Value yourself One of the most attractive qualities is being confident and having self-worth. Yet, many of us struggle with acknowledging our goodness, strengths, efforts and positive qualities. Try an exercise for one month. Every night write down three good things that happened that day. Then, write out what you did to contribute to or participate in the thing happening. Practice pausing to validate yourself before seeking validation from another. 7. Laugh easily With the demands and responsibilities of daily life, it can be easy to get serious or into "task master" mode. What helps you feel lighter and more open and present? What helps you feel a sense of joy and play in life? How can you cultivate more joy and laughter in your day? Stay tuned for the Part Three. MENTIONED: EPR 167: How To Be More Lovable In Relationship (podcast) Turn Towards Instead of Away (article) Dr Susan Johnson (website) The Gottman Institute (website) Photo by Anton Kraev on Unsplash (photo credit) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In relationship, when we have a concern or an issue about something (as it relates to something our partner is doing that is bothering, upsetting, or offending us), we will likely want to: Point out and identify what your partner is doing wrong. Tell them how you don't like what they are doing. Describe how their behavior is not okay. Illustrate how what they are doing is unfair or not good. In response, your partner will likely dispute your claims and perspective to defend their position. While your partner cares deeply about what you are experiencing and feeling, they care less about your judgement and evaluation of them. When in conflict, it is easy to focus more on your partner's behavior and reactions. However, we often overlook our behavior and interactions. Or sometimes, we think reacting is the only way to get our partner's attention. Almost as if to say "the only way my partner listens to me is when I scream and shout." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) One of the biggest shifts that I experienced in my relationship journey (there have been several) is when I shifted my focus from what my partner was doing wrong to looking at my behavior…and taking full responsibility for my experience. When I made this decision, I had been around the block enough to know that participating in the negative-reactive cycle was only going to contribute to more pain and disconnect. Besides, I cannot control my partner's behavior or reactions. All I can do is be responsible for my feelings, reactions, needs, and boundaries. How often do we ask the question…"How lovable am I being?" To be clear, I am not talking about your deserving of love. I am talking about how you are participating in the dance you and your partner are creating together. In Ann Smith's article, "Love and Love-Ability," she talks about how our childhood impacts our ability to engage in love and receive love. She also affirms our innate lovability by saying: "Being lovable is inherent. It is not earned and it is not dependent on the approval of another person. Whether you are alone or in a secure relationship, you are still lovable. You are forever and always lovable. Even if a bad childhood led you to feel unloved and unworthy, you are still lovable. Even if you feel ashamed due to past failures and mistakes, you are still lovable. Even if you have been rejected or abandoned by someone, you are still lovable. You possess the capacity to attach to others and to receive love from others even when you feel that no one loves you." by Ann Smith When you look at your relationship, how do you measure success? What matters to you? Being emotionally connected (you and your partner can count on each other and feel a sense of closeness) Satisfied (a sense of fulfillment) Happy (experience joy, play, and laughter together) Healthy sex life (time for sexual intimacy, passion, excitement) Companionship (enjoy being together and work well together) Kindness and respect (understanding, care, and consideration) How does your behavior contribute to your relationship success? What happens when it is hard to contribute positively to the interactions with your partner, especially when in conflict? There are so many things that get in the way: Fear Insecure attachment feelings Projection Defensive patterns (like criticism, blame, and judgment) Resentment Old injury and trauma Fantasy bond In Dr. Lisa Firestone's article, "Just Be Kind: The Only Relationship Advice You'll Ever Need," she talks about the "fantasy bond," which is where couples: "They start to overstep each other's boundaries, replace substance with form, and diminish real, personal interactions. Although it isn't a conscious process, when a couple forms this type of fantasy, they stop engaging in small acts of kindness or even showing care and concern for each other. Without realizing it, couples form a fantasy bond in order to feel a sense of safety. However, what they end up feeling is resentment and frustration. Instead of seeing their partner as someone they chose, they may feel like their partner is someone they're stuck with. The behavior between the couple deteriorates. One partner may become withholding or controlling. Both can become more nitpicky, critical, and less accepting of their partner's individuality and freedom. While the quality of the relationship may be deteriorating, a fantasy bond still offers an impression of unity that gives us a certain sense of security. When we've formed this type of bond, being kind to our partner actually threatens to disrupt the sense of safety we experience: It forces us to acknowledge our partner as a separate person. " by Dr. Lisa Firestone HOW TO BE MORE LOVABLE 1. Be Kind: "Positive sentiment override" versus "Bad Memories" (referencing Dr. John Gottman's book "The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work"). Be tolerant with each other's flaws. Notice a time where you can help out. Sh

GUEST: Dr. Margaret Rutherford, a clinical psychologist, has practiced for twenty-five years in Fayetteville, Arkansas. She is the author of "Marriage Is Not For Chickens", a perfect gift book on marriage, and hosts a weekly podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Her new book, Perfectly Hidden Depression, will be published by New Harbinger in 2019. SUMMARY: In this episode, Dr. Margaret Rutherford talks about how perfectionism and depression interact and how it shows up in relationships. Dr Rutherford explains how she came to discover this 'hidden' depression and breaks down its patterns and consequential behaviors. She also gives important advice on how to properly address this condition in relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) QUOTES: "People are falling through the cracks in our system simply because we're failing to recognize their depression." "Perfectionists can talk about feelings, they can't express feelings." "When you're coupled or partnered with someone with perfectionism or perfectly hidden depression, then what you notice is their lack of responsiveness to pain in their lives." "It's truly about introducing the subject in a loving, kind way and talk about yourself." "You do not have control over whether your partner decides to look at themselves or not but you can urge them gently to do so.. and of course they may not be ready and that's a whole different decision in and of itself." HIGHLIGHTS: 1:03 Dr. Rutherford's background in blogging, writing about mental health 4:10 How does depression differ from depression overlaid with perfectionism? 8:18 How does this type of depression affect partners? 12:37 How to address the onset of this type of depression between partners or in relationships 22:27 Ideologies that can trigger this hidden depression 30:46 Dr Rutherford advises on how people can take care of themselves despite their partners depression MENTIONED: Dr. Margret Rutherford (website) Self Work (podcast) Marriage Is Not For Chickens (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: DR. ROBERT NAVARRA Dr. Navarra, Certified Gottman Therapist and Master Trainer has co-authored book chapters with Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Recently he published an article on systemic approaches in addiction treatment and co-authored three articles on Gottman Therapy with Dr. John Gottman for the Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Dr. Navarra created "Roadmap for the Journey: A Gottman Workshop for Couples in Addiction Recovery", and "Couples and Addiction Recovery: A Gottman Approach for Therapists, Counselors, and Addiction Professionals". (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories, and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What determines a substance use problem? There is a difference between frequent substance use and substance abuse. There is a continuum of use from "non-problematic" to "heavy use" to "use disorder" to "addiction". To learn more you can access the safe drinking guidelines. A note about alcohol and stress: People often will use alcohol to reduce stress. However, alcohol increases and reinforces the stress system in the brain. This type of use becomes cyclical because a person feels stressed and has a drink to alleviate the stress and then experiences more stress. Is alcoholism a disease? While most people who meet the criteria for a substance use disorder will not meet the criteria again in four years. Whereas other people with continued and consistent use will experience significant changes in their brain structure which will constitute an addiction and a disease. What happens if one person is using or drinking and it is an issue in the relationship? Get information and education about the guidelines of substance use. Have a conversation. Invite your partner to talk with you. Bring up the topic of concern with your partner in a non-blaming way. Here is what my concerns are… Here is what it means to me… See about coming to some agreements together. The person using may be willing to modify their use. If they are not willing to modify their use, then it might be important to explore why they are not willing to modify their use. Look at risk factors (i.e. family history of substance abuse issues, use over time, increased use, daily use, etc.) In the first year of recovery, what should a couple be aware of together? Relapse rates are the highest in the first year, especially in the first 3 months. Continued support from loved ones and family members is one of the highest predictors for success. Having a substance-free home environment is critical for the recovery process. People in recovery often feel an involuntary thrust towards using. Their brain has been hijacked by the disease, and they do not have the normal stop-go mechanisms in their brain. People in recovery have strong emotional memories and triggers. "Relationships need attention in this transition (into recovery). Let's not abandon couples when they need it the most." Dr. Navarra What promotes healing in the relationship? Relationship-care and self-care can help the person in recovery manage the disease better. Acknowledge the stigma and shame. Get support, so that you can engage in healing and constructive conversations. Discuss these questions in a non-blaming way: What has the impact of addiction been on you? And the relationship? What is the impact of recovery been on you? And the relationship? See the addiction as an intruder on your relationship. How has the uninvited guest impacted you, your partner and your relationship? Attend Dr. Navarra's workshop "Roadmap For The Journey" to have H.E.A.R.T (Healing Emotions Addiction Recovery Trauma) conversations to heal addiction trauma. When couples can emotionally attune and the listen to the painful emotions of one another, then begin to build trust together. MENTIONED: Couples Recovery Empowerment (website) Dr. Robert Navarra (website) Roadmap For The Journey (workshop page) Couples Recovery (Facebook page) The Addictions Institute (website) UC Santa Cruz – advanced drug & alcohol training program Addictionologist – a doctor who studies and treats addiction. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In this episode, you will learn ways to address the difficulty and uncertainty of not knowing if your partner is really "in it" with you and what to do about it. If you missed Part One, you can check it out here. LISTENER'S QUESTIONS: Listener:.."I'm having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can't seem to stop messaging his exes. He knows I am very uncomfortable with it. We've broken up a few times due to this. I'm starting to think maybe I'm the issue and not him, and I don't know what to do. We just recently got back together again, and he is doing (it) again. Maybe it's my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I'm stuck on 'does he not care?' 'Does he just not love me?' Should I break up with him?"… Listener:.."However, I didn't learn about it until several hours later when he 'suddenly remembered' and said that that was happening 'tomorrow night.' When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, 'I didn't think of it.' I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I've explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect 'us' or our time together. I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something, and it sounded like he's planning on going to this 'going away' party. I felt like he wasn't making 'us' the priority.He then made it worse by saying that he didn't choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay. When in reality, either way, he wasn't choosing 'us'…" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) FINAL 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #5: Do you have explicit agreements? Couples need to understand the importance of crystal-clear agreements. Relationship starts with a sense of flow, harmony, and connection that seems effortless. They experience a heightened state of arousal known as the "romance stage," which is fueled by neurochemicals and not sustainable. When the honeymoon wears off, it can be confusing. Why are things no longer harmonious and smooth? Why doesn't your partner get you? Why are there more misunderstandings? Every couple goes through five stages. Learn more about each stage by downloading a free Relationship Map, which describes what the long-term landscape of intimacy entails. Explicit agreements flush out assumptions, expectations, fears, and needs. What's visible on the surface, isn't always what's going on underneath. Slow down and focus on safety, clarity, and vulnerability. Question #6: Do you clear up miscommunications with your significant other? Bringing up an issue is challenging. Especially, if you lack the confidence to address an issue productively and constructively. Do you best to handle matters in a calm way. While anger can give us the fuel to take action, it will often lead us to say and do things we do not mean. CheckoutERP 018: HOW TO DEAL WITH FEELINGS OF ANGER IN RELATIONSHIP. Feeling angry, frustrated, or irritable indicates something that matters to you. Don't let it go, and commit to addressing it constructively with your partner. Use the Communication Exercise as a resource. Use a gentle, curious, and relational approach to support a safe and inviting conversation. Develop a deeper level of understanding of your partner. Sometimes there may be more going on (i.e. ADHA, HSP, Anxiety, Depression, Stress, etc.) Question #7: Do you take care of yourself? Do you ignore or suppress feelings of insecurity and pain? There's meaning and significance in those feelings. Pay attention to and address them. Pain is a part of life. It is important to learn how to deal with our pain. Boundaries are not to control someone, but for your limits in a relationship. Is your boundary reasonable and fair? Generally people will respect you setting boundaries, rather than lowering your standards. Question #8: Do you work toward a win-win? Strive for a win-win, so that the deal works for both people. This can be a paradigm shift to works towards a resolution that works for both people. If the resolution is not a win-win, it will not be sustainable over the long-term. MENTIONED: Relationship Map (opt-in) 7 Ways Relationship Fail (ebook opt-in) Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (guide) Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course) ERP 163: What To Do When You Question "Is My Partner Really With Me?" (podcast) Couples' Seminar with Melissa Orlov – The ADHD Effect In-Depth (course) ERP 051: How To Thrive With ADHD In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 134: Sensitivity and Intimacy with Candy Crawford (podcast) ERP 160: How To Deal With Anxiety In Relationship (podcast) ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner's Destructive Behavior (podcast) ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Y

LISTENER'S QUESTIONS: Listener: …"I'm having a few issues in my relationship with my boyfriend. He just can't seem to stop messaging his Exes (two of them) he knows I am very uncomfortable with it, we've broken up a few times due to this. but I'm starting to think maybe I'm the issue and not him, and I don't know what to do. we just recently got back together again and he is doing again, maybe it's my insecurities, maybe I should break up with him, maybe I should trust him…I'm stuck on "does he not care" "does he just not love me" "should I break up with him"… Listener: …"However, I didn't learn about it until several hours later when he "suddenly remembered" and said that that was happening "tomorrow night." When I asked him why this was the first I heard of it, he said, "I didn't think of it." First, I was mad that this was the first I was hearing about it, when I've explained that we need to discuss in advance things that are going to affect "us" or our time together. Second, I was mad that I had just said that I wanted us to do something and it sounded like he's planning on going to this going away party. I felt like he wasn't making us the priority. He then made it worse by saying that he didn't choose which he wanted to do yet, somehow thinking by not choosing the party it was okay, when in reality, either way, he wasn't choosing "us.""… (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 4 (OF 8) QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER: Question #1: Is your partner conflict avoidant? If your partner is conflict avoidant, their behavior may look similar to someone who is not invested or committed (i.e. they turn away or even dismiss the value of the relationship at times). Consider asking your partner "What helps you feel safe when we are having a conflict?" You may have a difficult time knowing what is going on underneath. For example: Shutdown can be pain. Distancing can be fear. By shifting the focus to creating safety with your partner, you are then addressing the real concern. If safety is not the issue, then you will be able to see the other issues more clearly. Question #2: Are you clear about your desires, wishes, and longings? Often, we think we are being clear, but we are actually talking about what we do not want or talking around the issue… hoping our partner will get the picture. Or we complain and criticize. None of which helps your partner understand clearly what you need. If you struggle with engaging in critical behavior, check out this article "17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP" or podcast "ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION" or Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication course. Question #3: Do you pursue? Do you have a tendency to be more attentive to the connection with your significant other, possibly monitoring interactions or tracking your partner's response at times? Do you ask questions and initiate resolving concerns more than your partner? The pursuing-distancing dynamic can be tricky because the more avoidant person will often be more focused on the pursuing behavior than what their partner is actually communicating, and they end up reacting to the pursuing approach. In the end, both partners are reacting to each other. Try to slow down. Focus on "playing catch." Work to be clear and reveal your needs and desires. Question #4: Do you react? Do you at times attack, blame or criticize in an attempt to get your partner to engage? If you are reacting, you are likely (and naturally) feeling some level of threat. For example, your partner matters to you, but you feel a disconnect. It is scary. You may wonder "Are they still with me? Do they still love me? Are we still connected?" This is a deeply vulnerable experience. Find a way to calm your nervous system. Then, do your best to create a safe space with your partner, so that you can express your feelings or need in a more balanced way. If you react or tear into them, they will have a very difficult time hearing what is really going on for you. They will be too busy defending against your reaction. Stay tuned for the next episode for the next 4 questions to address the experience of feeling like your partner is not fully with you. MENTIONED: ERP 161: HOW TO SOOTHE ANXIETY IN RELATIONSHIP (podcast) 17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP (article) ERP 039: HOW TO SHIFT CRITICISM INTO POWERFUL COMMUNICATION (podcast) ERP 115: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY – PART TWO (podcast) ERP 114: HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH OF VULNERABILITY (podcast) Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication (course) Photo by André Bandarra on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would really appreciate your

GUEST: LISA FIRESTONE, PHD Lisa Firestone, PhD is Director of Research and Education with the Glendon Association. She is the author of numerous articles and chapters and co-author of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice and Creating a Life of Meaning and Compassion: the Wisdom of Psychotherapy, most recently Sex and Love in Intimate Relationships (APA books) Dr Firestone is a practicing clinical psychologist. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Dr. Lisa Firestone wrote In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships. I highly recommend reading it, if you have concerns about narcissism in your relationship. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Narcissism: Narcissistic traits and tendencies. Types of narcissism. The flip side of narcissism. How narcissism is often taught by a narcissist parent. How attachment plays a role. All or nothing thinking and narcissism. "It is important for the partner with narcissistic traits to begin to recognize, they don't have to be special to deserve love, attention, and care." Dr. Lisa Firestone How does narcissism negatively impact relationship: The relationship development and process (the beginning of the relationship versus the more established relationship) What the relationship dynamic typically looks like with a partner with narcissistic traits. The role of projection in relationship. How to work with the inner critical voice, and the importance of a realistic and compassionate voice. How to deal with a narcissistic partner: Identify your needs and wants proactively and specifically. Work with your anger. Recognize when your anger has significant charge, and possibly ask the question "What about this situation activates so much anger in me?" Be willing to address and confront your partner with the intention to develop more understanding and cooperation. "You have a lot of power to change your relationship, but you have zero power to change your partner". Dr. Lisa Firestone How to improve the relationship dynamic, when narcissism is at play: Recognize problematic relationship dynamics (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). Explore deeper fears, needs, and longings together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). Promote and develop empathy together (it may be important to get support from a trained professional to assist in this process). MENTIONED: In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships, by Dr. Lisa Firestone PsychAlive (to Dr. Lisa Firestone's programs and courses) Adult attachment Interview (research article) Self Under Siege (book) Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice (book) Sex And Love In Intimate Relationships (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

In my last podcast episode, ERP 160: How to Deal with Anxiety in Relationship I addressed one listener's question a little more than I did the other listener's question. The information in the episode is relevant to what happens in the brain when we experience anxiety and how to work with it. Today, I want to talk a little more about anxiety as it relates to relationship security. If you listened to the last episode, you heard the second listener ask a question about how to deal with repetitive fears of her boyfriend cheating on her. By her report, she deems her boyfriend as a very trustworthy man and that he has given her no reason to doubt his fidelity. She also mentioned that she believes she would have this experience no matter who she is with. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HUMAN NEED FOR BONDING At the root of it all, we are all wired up for bonding and connection. One of our basic motivating systems is to have a connection with another person. Dr. Susan Johnson helps us understand that the most powerful threat in life is isolation. In Love Sense, she talks about various research studies to illustrate how detrimental and even deadly isolation can be to our well-being. Dr. Susan Johnson talks about the fact that we have to face dragons in life. And when we do, we usually reach for the hand of the person we love to gain reassurance and comfort, as it is easier to deal with the dragons together. Additionally, our relationships are stronger because of it. Having safety and connection in a bond with another person helps us deal with life's threats and difficulties with more resource and resilience. Regulating emotions with another is the most effective (hand holding research). It is incredibly hard to self-sooth in isolation, especially if you do not have an internalized sense of a positive attachment figure. POSITIVE ATTACHMENT FIGURES What positive experiences have you had in your life where you have felt safe, understood, seen, accepted, loved, held, and comforted? If you can remember experiences of a secure bond with another, then you can use these memories and images to help you regulate your emotions and nervous system. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) WHAT HELPS CONTRIBUTE TO SAFE CONNECTION AND BONDING? 1. Dr. Susan Johnson emphasizes A.R.E.: Accessible. Responsive. Engaged. 2. EFT (emotionally focused therapy) is incredibly effective in helping couples establish and maintain a secure bond. 3. Mirroring, reflection, and deep understanding 4. Warmth, care, compassion and empathy. 5. Validation, feeling valued, "I am okay," "I am not alone," "I belong." WHAT IF YOU DON'T FEEL SAFE? Coming back to the listener's question…when people feel threatened, they typically go to two places: Blame: suspicion, detective mode (subtle or unsubtle), pursue. Shutdown: feel alone, scared, try to suppress the feelings. Third option (takes work): share pain and vulnerability in a clear and emotionally balanced way. For example: "Not sure if I have shared with you…you mean so much to me, and sometimes I feeling scared that I am going to lose you. I often have really bad thoughts about you cheating on me, and it is super painful." OTHER WAYS TO FEEL CONNECTION: God. People feel a sense of holding, compassion, and support from Higher Power. A dear friend or family member. Music. Evokes emotion and validates experience. Nature. Therapeutic support or Group. In a safe secure relationship, the nervous system can relax and the brain can focus on other things rather than the hypervigilance of managing threats. In a more secure place, we can be more curious, playful, and exploratory. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Understanding the different stages of relationship development helps couples move forward positively with their lives and allows couples to feel a deeper connection.

Listener's question: "How to not let your anxiety disorder become a third person in your relationship and the hardest part of how to let your partner in on it and help them understand the anxiety attacks aren't because of him." Second Listener's Question: "I recently came across your podcast and I was really intrigued by your words and style of work. I was hoping you would possibly be able to help me out with a relationship issue of my own. I would really appreciate your advice. I've been dating my boyfriend for around two years now. I really do love him so much and we have a great relationship. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I'm just always expecting for "the other shoe to drop". I have a paranoid fear of being cheated on. For absolutely zero reason. He's never done anything to make me believe he would do that to me, or that he is even capable of doing it. However, for some reason it plays in my head over and over, that it COULD happen. I do everything I can to get this thoughts out of my head but they seem to come, basically daily. It's starting to drive me a little crazy because all I want is to fully enjoy my relationship with him. He's a wonderful man and I know he loves me too. What do you suggest I do to stop these intrusive thoughts of being hurt? It seems to be a huge fear of mine that I almost expect to happen in any relationship. " Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. 1. Careful to not hide and cover up. It is painful enough to deal with anxiety symptoms. Attempting to appear okay, when you are not okay will not help your partner understand and be there for you. Don't blame yourself. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 40 million people have an anxiety disorder. Anxiety disorders can occur for a number of reasons: Genetics. Environmental factors. Brain chemistry. Medical factors. Withdrawal from an illicit substance. 2. Educate your partner. What happens when someone experiences anxiety. Symptoms may include: worry, overwhelm, fear, increased heart rate, muscle tension, difficult sleeping, shortness of breath, restlessness etc. Future-based thinking and uncertainty of one's ability to meet the challenge. Understand anxiety and how your brain creates it. Amygdala (alarm system. threat, fear) Cortex (thinking, logic, awareness, details) Amygdala can turn on the flight/flight/freeze response in milliseconds. The cortex can not control the amygdala through deliberate thought process. Amygdala can override the cortex, can control or influence thoughts and focus. The cortex can initiate the amygdala's response with fear and worry thoughts. Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. Download Pdf Cortex-based tendencies are called anxiety igniting thoughts because they have the potential to activate the amygdala, which could be a primary source of your anxiety. Pessimism. Worry. Perfectionism. Guilt & Shame. 3. Help your partner understand your personal experience. What your past experience has been with anxiety. What it looks like for you. What triggers your anxiety. What helps and what does not help. Your attachment style. 4. How to deal with anxiety. Learn ways to change your brain. Restructure your thoughts. Name it to tame it Thought stopping. Cognitive restructuring. Work to build safety and a secure bond with your partner. Practice mindfulness. Soothe and calm anxiety Relaxation techniques Exercise Adequate sleep Distraction. MENTIONED: Identifying Anxiety-Igniting Thoughts, by Catherine Pittman, Ph.D. (pdf) ERP 052: How To Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) ERP 142: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness (podcast) ERP 143: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) ERP 144: How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction With Mindfulness – Part Three (podcast) Hold Me Tight, by Susan Johnson (book) Love Sense, by Susan Johnson (book) Rewire Your Anxious Brain: How to Use the Neuroscience of Fear to End Anxiety, Panic, and Worry (book) The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns (book) The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne (book) Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (book) The Highly Sensitive Person (website) Photo by A. L. on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or eng

GUEST: MARTIN UCIK Martin Ucik is a German born entrepreneur who trained with Eckhart Tolle as a Power Of Now group facilitator and founded www.singles2couples.org, an Association for Healthy Relationships. His studies of Ken Wilber's Integral Model allowed him to integrate his personal experiences as a divorced father and the wisdom from over 200 relationship books into Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men which Ken Wilber calls "a terrific book!" and his new book Sex Purpose Love. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTENERS' QUESTIONS: First listener's question: "I stumbled upon your podcast on Spotify and since then have found great value in it with my current relationship of 1.5 years. If possible I have some questions/topic that I would love to hear you cover. … One relationship question/topic that is a big stressor in my relationship is: My boyfriend is a police officer and in the National Guard. His jobs have really changed him like how he judges people really quickly and so on. Have you ever covered a topic similar to this?" Second listener's question: "My worry is that I've grown and matured in my thinking over the past couple months and that my boyfriend and I won't be on the same page. I tend to overthink and my boyfriend tries to simplify things, so oftentimes we balance each other out. However there are times when I think I'm maturing a lot faster than him and it sort of creates a mental gap between us. I'm not sure if that's because we're not compatible or if there's a better way to communicate." INTEGRAL THEORY Lines of development 5 stages of spiritual development 8 stages of consciousness 4 quadrants Personality matrix Developmental Lines for Relationship, based on Martin Ucik's approach: Emotional availability Consciousness development Sexual development Spiritual development Anima/animus 8 STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT, BY MARTIN UCIK How we see the world and how we communicate. Survival Magical thinking Ego centric Mythic Rational Pluralistic Integral Transpersonal "Experience without theory is blind but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." by Immanuel Kant How partners meet each other matters. In the past, partners would meet each other in places where they were likely to have similar perspectives, beliefs, and world views, like college, church, and interest based groups. It was more likely that partners would be at similar stages of consciousness. Whereas today, partners are meeting each other online and are more likely to be at different stages of consciousness, which poses great difficulty for couples. How do you determine what stage of development as person is in? Listen to what really matters to them. What do you recommend for a couple that is dealing with being at different stages of development? Talk about your experience. Look at the stages of consciousness together. Be gentle in your approach with one another. Invite an openness and a willingness to explore. Sometimes, people will not be ready or willing to grow and develop. MENTIONED: Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men (book) Sex Purpose Love: Couples in Integral Relationships Creating a Better World (book) Relationship Map (opt-in) Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind – and Keep – Love (book) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — Second 2nd Edition (book) Integral Theory: Ken Wilber (Wikipedia) Ken Wilber (website) Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (book) Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book) Passionate Marriage (book) Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love (book) The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (20th Anniversary Edition) (book) Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart (book) Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After (book) Alex Gray (website) ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In the last two episodes, I explored the drama triangle. In episode 156, I discussed what the drama triangle is and how is shows up in our interactions with others, especially during conflict. In episode 157, I explained how we can easily get wrapped up in the victim position and how this can negatively affect our experience in relationship…and more importantly a critical key in how to shift out of the victim position and into the creator position. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. WHAT IS A RESENTMENT? A resentment is a grudge or a negative feeling that we might be harboring about a past experience. Often, we will feel resentment when someone did or said something that we did not like or we have issue with. Or a resentment is something that we have not made peace with or do not know how to reconcile. As I mentioned in my previous podcast episodes about forgiveness, it is not about condoning bad behavior or liking a horrible act. It is about coming to terms with the fact that you cannot change or control what happened. In the series about dealing with pain, pain is a natural part of life. It is a fallacy to think that we are going to go through life without experiencing hardship, loss, and upset. Trying to avoid, resist, or fight against pain only creates more suffering. As discussed in episode 157, when someone feels overwhelmed by painful external circumstances, it is common to feel disempowered and to feel victimized. While we cannot change the fact that crappy things might happen to us or have happened to us, we can change how we deal with them. When a painful event occurs, it is important to give attention to the hurt and injury. However, after a period of time, we are faced with how do we incorporate this experience into our lives. When we do not accept or come to terms with a painful experience, we do not move forward. It is very difficult to feel open and alive when we are harboring resentments. "Forgiveness changes the way we remember. It converts the curse into a blessing. Forgiveness indeed heals memories." by Henri Nouwen HOW TO RESOLVE RESENTMENTS 1. Name it. Acknowledge the resentment. 2. Specify it. Lost dream. Unfulfilled expectation. Old wound (from childhood). 3. Try out David Emeralds exercise. From the The Power of TED Look at how the challenge in your life has taught you something. List 7 people, circumstances, or conditions that have been difficult for you (persecutors) and look for the ways they have been a gift to you or a teacher for you. Questions to ask: How have they challenged you to learn and grow? What is the lesson this person or situation is bringing into my life? How and what can I learn from this? What is the gift hidden in this situation, no matter how difficult it appears? 4. Use the gift as curriculum for your development. What is the piece of value that you learn from the exercise above? And how can you start practicing this in your life and relationships? MENTIONED: ERP 157: How to Shift Out of The Victim Position (podcast) ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) ERP 015: Do You Have A "Unity" Or "Journey" Mindset In Relationship? (podcast) ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) Photo by Jaelynn Castillo on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with resentment in relationships help couples move forward positively with their lives and allow couples to have deeper connection. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In the last episode, I discussed the destructive nature of the drama triangle. When faced with conflict, we may quickly see the roles of the persecutor, victim, and rescuer emerge. Although the information isn't specifically directed to a couple, it can help rid of the victim mentality in relationships. If you missed the previous episode, I encourage you to listen to it before listening to this episode. Listen to episode 156. A QUICK RECAP OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE: Victim: Feels helpless, hopeless, and downtrodden. "Poor me." (death of a dream) Persecutor: Behaves in domineering ways and attempts to have power over others. Fears loss of control. Usually a former victim. Rescuer: Attempts to help others and tends to take over-responsibility. "Poor you." I want you to need me, so that I feel more valuable. Today, we are going to explore how to get out of the victim position by helping you identify places where you may be getting stuck and how to get free and empowered. This will help people get out of the victim mentality in relationships. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. This episode was inspired by and references material from The Power of TED, by David Emerald. THE VICTIM ORIENTATION "The victim orientation is the approach that most human beings take toward their experience, by default. You spend a lot of time searching for solutions to problems." by David Emerald, The Power of TED An orientation is a mental standpoint that determines your focus and direction…direction of thought or inclination. Anticipating victimhood impacts your perspective and beliefs. A victim orientation perpetuates the cycle. Below are some examples of what people feel and believe- when taking on a victim mentality in relationships: He doesn't care. She never cares about what I want. He never listens. She is constantly on me. I am never good enough. He doesn't engage. She doesn't respect me. "You're always looking outside yourself to the people and circumstances of life, for a sense of safety, security, and sanity." by David Emerald, The Power of TED Focus – Inner State – Being THE VICTIM CYCLE "The anxiety you feel comes from your way of focusing on the problem." by David Emerald, The Power of TED Problem – Anxiety – Reaction When we focus on the problem, we are going to have an emotional response (i.e. feeling sad, hurt, angry). Focusing on the problem creates an inner state of anxiety (mild discomfort to terror). Your inner state motivates you to act in a certain way. For example, anxiety, whether mild or intense gives you energy for action and sparks your behavior. Reaction helps reduce anxiety and the problem intensity in the short-term. However, when anxiety goes down, so does the impulse to react. Emerald says the mistaken when in the victim position, as we think the problem causes our reaction. However, if we look at the sequence within the cycle, it is actually the anxiety that causes the reaction. "A problem is rarely if ever solved from within the victim orientation." by David Emerald, The Power of TED HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION "Things get better and you relax and stop reacting to the problem." by David Emerald, The Power of TED Vision/Outcome – Passion – Baby Steps Focus on solution, vision, goal, or dream. Putting your attention on what you want to create. When you focus on what you are passionate about and what matters to you, you will have an inner sensation of purpose, excitement, hope and possibility. This inner state will help you take positive and constructive action to towards your vision. As you achieve progress in the direction of your goals, you will feel empowered and like a creator. Excerpt from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks. "Projection is the source of power struggles that eat up energy and intimacy in relationships. Power struggles are a war between two people tp see whose version of reality will win out. Much of the energy in troubles relationships is drained through power struggles about who's right, who's wrong, and who's the biggest victim. Relationship – healthy ones that is – exist only between equals. When both people are not taking 100 percent responsibility, it is an entanglement, not a relationship. There is only one way to transform an entanglement into a relationship: both people must drop projection and see that they are 100 percent the creators of their reality." By Gay Hendricks MENTIONED: ERP 156: What Happens When You Feel Like A Victim In Relationship (podcast) POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book) Photo by Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: 157: HOW TO SHIFT OUT OF THE VICTIM POSITION [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in ending th

TOPIC: SYMPTOMS OF VICTIM MENTALITY IN RELATIONSHIPS FEELING LIKE A VICTIM IN RELATIONSHIP IS AN AWFUL FEELING In relationship, we want and need to feel safe, loved, and valued. When difficult things happen, it can be extremely painful. Sometimes, it is a condition or circumstance that is challenging (like a health issue, family crisis, natural disaster, etc). But when our partner behaves badly or unskillful, it can be heartbreaking. When awful things happen, it is natural to feel the hardship, pain, and injury, and it is incredible important to attend your experience. RESOURCES If you are experiencing immediate hardship and crisis, it might be helpful to check out some of the previous podcast episodes: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni In the podcasts about how we deal with pain, I addressed the fact that the way in which we handle pain contributes to greater levels of suffering (i.e. when we resist pain, anticipate, ruminate, and protest against pain). THE DRAMA TRIANGLE In this episode, I am going to address how we unknowingly get stuck in a destructive dynamic – The Drama Triangle. The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction that can occur between people in conflict, which was developed by Stephen Karpman, M.D. This common relationship dynamic perpetuates pain and suffering, and keeps us stuck in endless cycles of difficulty. The problematic interaction and can occur in any type of relationship, where there is struggle (i.e. spouse, partner, family member, friend, colleague, etc). Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Concepts for today's episode are referenced from Connected Couple and The Power of Ted, by David Emerald. When exploring The Drama Triangle, you may notice you can occupy all positions at various point. Or you may notice a stronger tendency to take a particular role. THE VICTIM Helpless and hopeless Collapsed and powerless Doesn't advocate for self Poor me "Victims may be defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive, even manipulative. They're often angry, resentful, and envious, feeling unworthy or ashamed about their circumstances." By David Emerald, The Power of TED "Death of a dream: All victims have experience a loss – a thwarted desire or aspiration – even if they're not aware of it." By David Emerald, The Power of TED THE VILLAIN OR PERSECUTOR Often times a person, but sometimes it is a circumstance or condition. Aggressive, domineering, and judgmental. Uses blame, criticism, and or oppression. Persecutors were almost always former victims. "I will never be the victim again." Fear of loss of control THE HERO OR THE RESCUER Overly helpful and overextends (usually with good intentions) Feels responsible for others Poor you Intrapersonally, we might engage in behaviors that rescue ourselves from painful feelings (i.e. substance use, alcohol, sugar, computer gaming, watching tv, shopping, overeating, etc.) Fear of loss of purpose When couples seek support in the way of coaching or therapy, often times they are looking for the helping professional to validate their experience. However, it is often done through the way of the victim position. "Arguments are caused by two people racing to occupy the victim position (why are you doing this to me?) and then tries to get person B to agree with that assessment. In other words, person B has to agree that he or she is the persecutor. Therein lies the problem. It's almost impossible to get the other guys to agree that it's his fault." By Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap In the next episode, I will discuss how to shift out of The Drama Triangle. MENTIONED: ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) ERP 136: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two (podcast) ERP 153: How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship (podcast) ERP 148: How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher (podcast) ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black (podcast) ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book) Connected Couple (program) Wild Quest (website) Photo by Alex Iby on

TOPIC: HOW TO OVERCOME ENVY IN A RELATIONSHIP ENVY Envy is a normal human experience that results from comparing ourselves to others, and the feeling that we come up short in the comparson. In the article, titled "To Love and To Envy," by Dana Shavin, she writes "Envy is the emotion that arises when we feel that someone possesses an attribute we crave but lack." But what happens when we compare ourselves to our intimate partner and feel envy? This is a difficult question to answer because many of us do not want to acknowledge that we feel envy towards our significant other. "The incidence of envy between spouses can be hard to measure because people mostly don't admit it, even to themselves," says psychiatrist Gail Saltz (quoted in To Love and To Envy) Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. IMBALANCES IN RELATIONSHIP Imbalances are going to occur in relationship. There is no way for you and your partner to be exactly matched in every facet of your life. Examples of imbalance in relationship are when one partner: Is better with the kids. Makes more money. Has a more close-knit family. Is in better physical shape. Has more education. Gets more recognition and accolades. Is more articulate and social. Is more artistically talented. Has a more prestigious career. STRONG COUPLES Even when major imbalances occur in relationship, it doesn't mean that envy will occur between partners. Here are a few ways that couples maintain a strong relationship; They: Keep competition for sports and play. "Strong couples want the best for each other," (Judith) Sills says. "They don't compete except in play—think running a marathon or playing tennis. Strong partners are thrilled when the other gets 'the goodies,' even if they maybe feel a pang that they themselves didn't." (quoted in To Love and To Envy) View each other as equal in status, despite different ways of contributing. See themselves a part of a invisible team within the relationship. Take pride and joy in each other success. PARTNER ENVY From time to time, we may all experience some level of partner envy. However, pay close attention if you notice envy becoming a more prominent feeling and/or you feel resentful, bitter, and disconnected in relationship with your partner because of envy. Here are a few reasons why partner envy happens: Partners don't hold a unit mentality, such as viewing their relationship as a bigger team that they are each belong to. One partner's success is seen as a threat because it reflects the other partner's feelings of inadequacy. "People who don't fully grasp the concept of 'what's good for one of us is good for both of us' tend to envy a partner's success," (Gail) Saltz says, "even as it makes life better or easier for both of them." (quoted in To Love and To Envy) Partners feel a sense of inequality in their relationship. "Psychologist Peter Fraenkel, an associate professor at City University of New York and the author of Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage, says that, like many problems in intimate relationships, a propensity to envy can often be traced to childhood. A lack of praise from parents, or achievements that were met with indifference or criticism, can set the stage for a lifetime of insecurity about one's accomplishments." by Dana Shavin 4 WAYS TO DEAL WITH PARTNER ENVY 1. Be Honest About Your Experience. "Harboring resentments toward your spouse is never a good idea," (Gail) Saltz says. Recognize that to envy—and be envied—is human and move on to the next step: deciding how you and your partner will deal with the problem." (quoted in To Love and To Envy) 2. Assess Equality In The Relationship. Recognize each person contribution. Value different forms of contribution. Offering acknowledgement and validation for each partner's value can help counteract old negative stories and beliefs. Look at areas of inequality. 3. Look For Desire & Discontent. What does envy tell you? What do you want and what do you not want? Both desire and discontent can be great teachers. They indicate and let us know what we are missing and what is not working for us. We can use this information as a source of inspiration to take action on. As we work towards creating more of what we want and less of what we don't want, we have a life that is more authentically aligned, hence happier and healthier. 4. Focus On The Team. Look at the overall strength together as a couple. Recognize how you and your partner help each other and support each other in your accomplishments. See ways in which you and your partner complement each other. Recognize how are you and your partner are better together. Both partners are responsible for the life they have created. MENTIONED: ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast) ERP 151: How to Handle the Trouble of Outshining in Relationship (podcast) To Love and To Envy, by Dana Shavin (article) Sync Your Relationship, Save Your Marriage: Four S

TOPIC: HOW TO DEAL WITH A LOVED ONE WITH CHRONIC PAIN GUEST: JACKIE BLACK, PH.D., BCC Dr. Jackie Black is a marriage expert, educator and Board Certified Coach, serving Couples Facing Life-Threatening and Chronic Illness, and Chronic Pain. Dr. Jackie Black is the creator of the 7-Week, Online Program, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Program™, and the 3-Day Private Destination Retreat, Couples Daring to Live Well (with illness) Retreat™. She also serves private clients, and is an author, speaker and frequent guest expert on summits, podcasts and radio throughout the world. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: "Surprising numbers of people are living with chronic pain and chronic illness. Yet, we don't talk about it and people don't know." by Dr. Jackie Black How chronic illness and pain affects everybody. How when a couple is dealing with chronic illness and pain, the relationship takes a huge hit. There are often supports for the person and their loved one, but no one focuses on the relationship. "A diagnosis is a shock. No one is ever prepared." by Dr. Jackie Black. How people react to crisis in different ways. Partners have different experiences of the same circumstance. Partners have different needs and priorities, and sometime their needs are competing. How people are often afraid, overwhelmed, and are not talking to each other. How a couple's EQ (emotional intelligence) is being tested. Couples often do not have effective tools for how to deal with all the emotions involved. Old coping mechanisms and defensive processes stop working. "Being happily married for decades doesn't protect you from the inevitable challenges you face being a couple living with illness or chronic pain." by Dr. Jackie Black. The two powerful myths that couples are faced with when dealing with chronic illness and pain. The myth busting techniques to help partner's strengthen their connection. The top 4 reasons people can get caught in common traps when dealing with chronic illness and pain. "Relational space is sacred space." by Dr. Jackie Black. How weak or non-existent agreements and commitments negatively impact a couple with illness, and the importance of bilateral agreements. The importance of understanding partner's needs and values. How to increase self-knowledge and why is it so beneficial to the relationship. MENTIONED: Dr. Jackie Black (website) TRANSCRIPT: ERP 154: HOW TO GET RELATIONAL SUPPORT WHEN DEALING WITH ILLNESS & CHRONIC PAIN WITH DR. JACKIE BLACK [TRANSCRIPT] Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning how to deal with a loved one with chronic pain takes emotional support and deep understanding to help couples build a strong bond and love for each other. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: STEPS TO REBUILDING TRUST IN A RELATIONSHIP LISTENER'S QUESTION "Thank you for the work you do on your podcast, it has helped me greatly in a hard relationship time. My fiancé and I were supposed to get married on June 28th. Three weeks before the wedding he met me at the courthouse to get our marriage certificate and told me that he couldn't go through with it. This came as a complete shock as our relationship had been healthy, with some minor disagreements during the planning phase of the wedding, but I had no doubts. We live in Minnesota, where he is from, and my whole family and my friends were scheduled to fly from Washington state to MN, which made this especially painful. We are in counseling now, and seeing if we can work this out, but I'm not sure if I can/want to get over this huge betrayal. Any advice you have on repair/healing relationship trauma of this nature would be so appreciated. He is here and wants to work on things, but I don't know if I have the strength to get over it, or that I could ever truly trust him again." Jenny Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Understandably, you are going through heartbreak and loss. I encourage you to check out the episodes on Grief (see links below) to get more support. It sounds like you have many questions you are grappling with…like, what is next? How do you move forward from this? Should you trust him again? Is he the right person? My biggest encouragement to you is to make a commitment to not engage in this dynamic again. As painful as it is, there is learning in this experience. TAKE AN HONEST LOOK Reevaluate and identify what happened. Look at the underlying aspects. What was your part? Recognize your patterns. What is the learning in this and what is being revealed to you? What are your highest priorities and values in relationship? Were you invested in them? Did you have any blind spots or things you didn't want to acknowledge? Did you and your fiancé build trust together (did you have clear agreements, boundaries, communication, etc)? FIND YOUR GROUND Go slow. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. Focus on building a solid foundation. Affirm your strengths, lovability, and worth. Acknowledge your experience and process. Be with your feelings and be with yourself. Focus on developing a secure connection. Get clear on what you believe in. FOCUS ON YOUR PART You can't do his work for him. You can't control him. Let him be responsible for his experience and his part. Accept what is. Ask yourself is this in alignment with what I want? Check out the Forgiveness episodes. BE AVAILABLE FOR SOMETHING GREATER Recognize if things feel similar or if things feel different. Is his approach different? Is his energy different? Don't engage in the old patterns and old behavior. Be committed to your practice and your work. Be willing to engage differently. Talk honestly about what happened and be willing to learn. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 153: HOW TO REPAIR A BREACH OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Learning the steps to rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and self-evaluation and more patience to go through the process. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

TOPIC: DEALING WITH SELF ABANDONMENT GUEST: DR. MARGARET PAUL Dr. Margaret Paul is a bestselling author, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. She has appeared on numerous radio and television shows (including Oprah). Her book titles include "Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved By You", "Healing Your Aloneness", "Inner Bonding," and the recently released "Diet For Divine Connection." Margaret has successfully worked with thousands around the world and taught classes and seminars for over 50 years. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: The number one (underlying) reason why relationships fail is self-abandonment. One way that we abandon ourselves is we do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us. "We come into relationship expecting to get love rather than share love." by Dr. Margaret Paul Instead of taking responsibility, we try to control overtly (i.e. anger or blame) or covertly (i.e. withdrawing or shutting down), both of which have very negative effects on the relationship. What happens when we avoid our feelings. What happens when we learn the value and power of our feelings, and how they can help us "Growing up very few of us learned how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy." by Dr. Margaret Paul What it would look like if we took responsibility for ourselves (dealing with self abandonment). What happens when we stop blaming our partners, and we learn to accept them. "We often mistake control for love." by Dr. Margaret Paul How to cultivate self-love. At any given moment, we are operating from one of two intentions. 1. To protect and avoid. 2. To learn and express, and how to know the difference between them. How to access more energy, joy, and happiness on a daily basis. MENTIONED: Inner Bonding (website) 6 Steps of Inner Bonding (website) Diet For Divine Connection (book) Inner Bonding (book) Healing Your Aloneness (book) Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You: Second Edition (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Dealing with self abandonment and learning how to cultivate self-love helps us get back on track in helping regain your love as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Topic: Fear of outshining in relationship In ERP 150: What to Do When Stuck in Self-Sabotage, I addressed how it is sometimes difficult to accept and embrace new levels of success, love and abundance. Unconsciously, we have a tendency to sabotage the expansion process because of old limiting beliefs. "The Upper Limit Problem is our universal human tendency to sabotage ourselves when we have exceeded the artificial upper limit we have placed on ourselves." by Gay Hendricks, (The Big Leap, page 197) THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING YOUR PARTNER The fear of outshining is when one partner is afraid of outshining their partner, and actively works to monitor and dim their expression as a form of protection. In the article, Are you inadvertently dimming your light? When you have a pattern of being afraid of outshining she makes some great options about how people struggle with the fear of outshining others. "When you try not to outshine, it's about the People Pleaser in you that wants to protect somebody from feeling bad due to you feeling good or doing well in a particular area." by Natalie 3 Examples of How people struggle when afraid to outshine, by Natalie: "Not wanting to 'outshine' with your feelings and opinions. This is likely to be the case if you were raised by someone who dominated the home with their feelings, opinions, needs etc., possibly belittling yours in the process. Putting aside a talent or hobby out of fear that your peer group will ostracize you.This is especially likely to be the case if you were bullied or penalized in some way for seemingly outshining when you were a child. Suffering from the Imposter Syndrome and so not internalizing your accomplishments and achievements while at the same time feeling 'bad' and like a fraud. " "Trying not to outshine people is not only attempting to control the uncontrollable (a misappropriation of energy) but we're also judging ourselves and the other party in a particular area when we (and they) are so much more than these 'parts'." by Natalie THE FEAR OF OUTSHINING AS A SUCCESSFUL PERSON & THE IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP Relationship and intimacy is one of the most important areas of our life and often the most challenging. When one or both people are successful, they are often dealing with their limiting beliefs, patterns, and sabotage, which adds additional layers of complexity to the relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, the relationship takes the brunt of these limiting behaviors through the form of arguing, criticizing, accusing, projecting, withholding, withdrawing, etc. In The Big Leap, Gay says "the greater success you achieve, the bumpier your relationships tend to be." TO AVOID THE TRAPS OF SUCCESS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): Be intentional about taking alone time to process, center, and integrate."These periods of battery-charging alone time give you the ability to master longer and longer periods of closeness when you're in union with your beloved." Gay Hendricks 192 Prioritize transparency and vulnerability. Getting in touch with deeper feelings and expressing them. "I am overwhelmed." I am tired." I am scared." Accept the discomfort and be interested in the process. So often we want to turn away from the pain, yet there is such valuable and transformational informational awaiting your attention. Develop an accountability measure. Friends that help remind you of your limiting beliefs and behaviors. MENTIONED: The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) ERP 150: What To Do When Stuck In Self Sabotage (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else (podcast) Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 151: HOW TO HANDLE THE TROUBLE OF OUTSHINING IN RELATIONSHIP [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in understanding Self sabotaging relationship patterns and improving your love relationship. Feeling uncertain about a relationship is challenging and it is important to look into things to consider before making a decision. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

In a recent session, a client asked "Am I sabotaging my relationship?" After being divorce and single, she has been in the process of dating. With the guy she is currently dating, she is unsure. She wants marriage and long-term partnership, and she doesn't know if he does. She wants to have an emotionally mature connection, where they are each committed to trying to resolve conflict constructively. She doesn't know if he is interested or capable. In exploring her question, based on her situation (They had a long-weekend get-a-way together. They had some conflict.), we discussed: Being out of alignment. If she is dating someone who is not interested in a more committed relationship and she wants long-term partnership, she may feel a sense of unease and discontentment regardless of how he shows up. Not feeling resolved. Even is he is being super sweet and trying to move forward from a conflict, she may have a difficult time feeling relaxed because she is not clear and resolved about their disagreement. Feeling threatened. If she has fear about rejection and abandonment (based on previous hurt and trauma), and she is dating someone who is more causal in their commitment, it is likely that she will find some of his behavior threatening (i.e. not consistent engagement). Feeling safe and worthy to experience love. Many times when we are experiencing more love and connection than we have ever known before, we may reach a point where we don't know how to receive and be present. Hence, we unconsciously self-sabotage. Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM In "The Big Leap" by Gay Hendricks, he talks about how we all limit our experience through various ways of self-sabotage. Most of us grow up experiencing a certain level of success, abundance and love. We might call this our comfort zone. As we grow, develop, and we may strive to accomplish more and achieve new levels of love, abundance, and success. However, when we do this, we are often confronted with a threshold of what we are capable of receiving. Gay calls this our Upper Limit. This is all happening below our field of awareness. Gay Hendricks describes that we have one or more hidden barriers, which are essentially our fears of why it is not okay to expand into new levels of love, abundance, and success. When these unconscious fears get activated, we constrict. We cut off the flow of energy and expansion. When I explain this process to clients, I like to use a cup analogy. The cup represents our comfort zone. The water or liquid that is being poured into the cup represents abundance, love or success. We can easily contain the abundance that fits within our comfort zone. However, when the liquid (or abundance) starts to fill up the cup and seems to be hitting the threshold of what the cup can contain, we start reacting and unconsciously stop the flow of liquid because we do not know how to contain more. WAYS WE SELF-SABOTAGE Here are some common ways that people cut off the flow of abundance, success, and love (from The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks): Worrying Blame and criticism Getting sick Having a accident Picking a fight Hiding significant feelings Not keeping agreements Not speaking significant truth to the relevant people Deflecting These are all ways that we unconsciously restrict or limit themselves. I am sure you have heard many stories where someone has accomplished great success and then the next moment they do something to sabotage themselves (i.e. politicians, professional athletes, actors, musicians). Or maybe you can reflect on a memory of your own, where you experienced a great success and then you did something to bring yourself back down. Gay Hendricks helps us understand why we do this. Most of the time our fear comes from an early experience in life, where we internalized a message that it is not okay to shine or expand. HERE ARE THE 4 COMMON HIDDEN BARRIERS (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS): Feeling fundamentally flawed Disloyal and abandonment Believing that more success brings a bigger burden The crime of outshining The goal is to become more aware and mindful about when you experience your upper limit and how to work with it more consciously. Going back to the cup analogy, you will want to expand the size of your cup. 4 KEYS TO WORKING WITH THE UPPER LIMIT PROBLEM (FROM THE BIG LEAP, BY GAY HENDRICKS) Breathe. Observe. Adopt an attitude of wonder and play What was I thinking right before I started worrying?" What was I thinking about right before this happened? Explore: What is the underlying fear or concern (hidden barrier)? Expand capacity: I consciously expand my capacity for more abundance, success, love every day, as I inspire those around me to do the same. MENTIONED: The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level, By Gay Hendricks (book) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) I'm Not Your Guru (abo

LISTENER'S QUESTION: Sharon writes: "I have discovered your podcast recently, and it has helped me so much in my own self-reflection and relationships. My boyfriend and I are considering moving in together, but I am a little worried. We have been together for 9 months. We sleepover with each other a few times a week, so in some ways we are kind of living together already without the financial responsibilities. Regarding habits and lifestyle, I don't think we will have any problems. He is very excited about living together because he thinks that we will be moving in together anyway. But to me living together is a step closer to marriage and I'm not sure if I'm mentally ready. We are both just starting our careers, and it also seems more practical to live together so we can save up some money. We are still young and definitely not thinking of marriage yet. I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking and worrying too much, which I tend to do. I would love to hear what you have to say on this." 4 TIPS TO CONSIDER WHEN FEELING UNCERTAIN Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. 1. WHAT IS YOUR PRIORITY? WHAT IS YOUR INTENTION? What is most important for you right now? Is it to explore the development of your relationship? Is it to have fun? Is it to focus on your career? Is this a step in the direction of partnership and marriage? 2. WHAT IS YOUR INTRINSIC DESIRE? What do you really want? If you were able to construct the situation exactly the way that you wanted it, what would you do? Are you being influenced by culture, family, friend, your significant other, by research? 3. WHAT IS THE MEANING AND SIGNIFICANCE OF THE THING YOU ARE CONSIDERING? Is this the 1st time living together with someone? If so, does this have meaning and significance to you? Scott Stanley, a research professor identifies a distinction with couples, which is "sliding vs. deciding." "Two-thirds of cohabiters are in fact sliders, who didn't much discuss the decision to move into together. It just kind of happened. Moving from dating to sleeping over to sleeping over a lot to cohabitation can be a gradual slope Once a couple is set up with a shared apartment, routine, dog, and group of friends, summoning the will to break up becomes more and more difficult. When two lives become so thoroughly intermingled, separating them out, starting all over again, will take a lot of effort; the prospect becomes a little daunting. It seems easier to just keep going with things as they are, even if they're not ideal. Inertia sets in. More sobering still, is research which suggests that "couples who otherwise would not have married end up married because of the inertia of cohabitation." They slide their way right down the aisle: "We might as well share an apartment since we're already spending so much time together" becomes "we might as well stay together since I might not be able to find someone else," and finally "we might as well get married since we've already been living together for so long."" by Brett and Kate McKay inShould You Live Together Before Marriage? 4. WHAT ARE YOUR HIGHEST VALUES? Consider doing a values exercise to get clear on what are your top values in life. "Studies have shown that one of the keys to healthy, happy relationships is moving through important transitions deliberately. Whether it's deciding to have sex, move in together, get married, or have a baby, couples who make these transitions with intentionality — with mutual discussion of meaning, expectations, plans, and purpose — are more likely to flourish." by Brett and Kate McKay in Should You Live Together Before Marriage? MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship(podcast) Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner (book) Photo by Shea Rouda on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

TOPIC: RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA AND RECOVERY GUEST: DR. JANINA FISHER Janina Fisher is a licensed psychologist and international expert on the treatment of trauma and dissociation. Author of "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and co-author of "Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment," she is also Clinical Director, Khiron Clinics UK, Assistant Educational Director of the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute, and former Instructor, Harvard Medical School. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Trauma has a long-term effect on relationships and intimacy. (relationship trauma and recovery) All trauma involves human beings. When people have experienced trauma, they no longer feel safe. We go into the most important aspects of our lives, like a marriage, without any education. The modern understanding of trauma. "Once upon a time, two wise adults saw in each other the potential to build a better life. The potential to have a life very different from what each experienced as children. But what they didn't know, as they dreamed of this better life, is that they were taking the trauma with them." by Dr. Janina Fisher Trauma is remembered as feeling and sensation memory. Trauma contributes to the repetitive arguments in relationship. "The problem with a feeling memory is you don't know you are remembering. You think it is happening now." by Dr. Janina Fisher When "feeling memories' are being triggered, how the triggering of "feeling memories" can destroy a relationship. The language of triggering, which requires an important assumption. There is no way to move forward with the language of fault. The only way to move forward is with the language of triggering. Our first response to an interaction is a feeling sensation. Then, we put words or a story to our feeling sensation, often those words are words of blame. When we use language of fault, it jams our partner's compassion circuits. "Relationships are the hardest thing you are going to do in your entire life." by Dr. Janina Fisher How to change the habits that keep us entrenched and stuck in viscous circles. How mindfulness can support your intention with your partner. Couples typically need repetition and a lot of practice to build constructive ways of relating. The capacity for each individual to soothe themselves is crucial in relationship. How do you agree to address your differences? Do you address them as enemies in relationship or do you address them as normal and natural byproducts of being two different people? Tips for finding a trauma therapist. "Safe starts with us, not our partner. "Am I creating safety?"" by Dr. Janina Fisher MENTIONED: Dr. Janina Fisher (website) Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors: Overcoming Internal Self-Alienation, by Janina Fisher (book) Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)(book) Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (website) EMDR (website) Somatic Experiencing (website) Internal Family Systems (website) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part three (podcast) Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 148: How To Deal With The Effects Of Trauma In Relationship, With Dr. Janina Fisher [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. It is very important to understand your relationship trauma and recovery to deepen your connection as a couple. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you missed part one of this interview, you can check out ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: How to use strengths as a jumping off point, so that you can do the difficult work of turning towards your pain. How to build a belief in your need for love & safety, as well as how to take steps in getting your needs meet. One important way of disentangling from dangerous and hostile interactions with your significant other. "We get into marriage and often we stay strangers for ten years because of our inability to be vulnerable." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna The differences between the male and female brain and how it impacts our interactions about emotions and attachments needs. "Once we begin becoming more vulnerable to each other, how to we maintain that sense of safety so the vulnerability can continue?" Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna "Outercourse" versus intercourse …getting in tune with how partners are coming across to their partner. Defining new rules of engagement. How to develop a process with your partner, where both people can feel valued. MENTIONED: ERP 146: How to use the mind body connection to improve your relationship with Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna. (Podcast) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (book) Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here.

Suzanne Midori Hanna, Ph.D. is a clinician, instructor, and author in couple and family therapy. Her work in medical family therapy has led to an ongoing interest in mind-body issues, mental health, and the neurobiology of cutting edge couple and family therapy. She is the author of The Practice of Family Therapy: Key Elements Across Models, fifth edition and The Transparent Brain in Couple and Family Therapy: Mindful Integrations with Neuroscience. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: "Mindfulness of sensation." Using the mind as a mental laser beam. Mental triggers – Where are you feeling that in your body right now? Put your mind on sensation for a moment and see what you learn. "Whatever is going on in the mind is going on in the body." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna How we get stuck complaining in relationship. An expanded definition of trauma. The body's role when triggered. How to slow down to get to know ourselves through our body. "The way we are putting the mind and the body together to solve problems is changing the whole landscape of therapeutic work." Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna "Mindfulness of emotion." Primary emotion – emotion of attachment and survival. Universal needs for attachment- Love & Safety. MENTIONED: Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Website) Dr. Suzanne Midori Hanna (Amazon page) Dr. John Gottman – Gottman Institute (Website) Dr. Susan Johnson (Website) & Leslie Greenberg Dr. Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy (Website) Dr. Peter Levine & Somatic Experiencing (Website) Dr. Pat Ogden & Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute (Website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 146: HOW TO USE THE MIND BODY CONNECTION TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH DR. SUZANNE MIDORI HANNA [TRANSCRIPT]

Guest: Dr. Marty Klein Dr. Marty Klein has been a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist for over 30 years. He is the author 7 books, including Sexual Intelligence and the recent His Porn, Her Pain: Confronting America's PornPanic With Honest Talk About Sex. Each year, Dr. Klein trains thousands of psychologists, physicians, clergy, and attorneys in sexuality. He has been an expert witness or consultant in many state, federal, and international trials involving sexuality, and has given two Congressional briefings on evidence-based sex education. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Listen to the episode to learn about: Dr. Marty Klein"s book "His Porn, Her Pain?" What couples are arguing about when they argue about porn. The pain that couples experience as it relates to pornography (i.e. body shame, loss of sexual connection, feeling inadequate). "Talking about porn typically does not uncover how people really feel (i.e. grief, loss of youth, not feeling desired." The role of sexual fantasy and masturbation in porn use. How to know if sexual fantasies are healthy. "Pornography is essentially a library of human sexual fantasy. Fantasy does not predict desire." How to deal with secrecy and shame related to porn use. "I'm in favor of clear thinking, and people talking about their lived experience together." Dr. Klein's questions: Tell me about what makes you feel good? What makes you feel connected to other people? How do you feel about sexuality? What makes you feel glad you are alive? What makes you grow? The role of dopamine in watching pornography. MENTIONED: Dr. Marty Klein (Website) Discount code "10P" Ellyn Bader (Couples Institute Website) ERP 011: How Technology Impacts Our Relationships (Podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give practical explanations and examples of mindfulness. In episode ERP 143, I talked about important research that is showing higher levels of mindfulness contributes to happier, more satisfying relationships. In this episode, I also give you the first 3 ways that mindfulness benefits you and your relationship. 1. More Attentive 2. Able to respond Rather Than React. 3. More Emotionally Regulated (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 4. Increased Self-Awareness As we develop skill in mindfulness, the anterior cingulate cortex in our brain changes. This area is associated with impulse control, attention, emotion, as well with our sense of self. Mindfulness helps us control the impulse to act out in destructive and manipulative ways, as well as redirect our attention towards our higher intentions, goals, and values. With more self-awareness, we can observe our emotions and behaviors and recognize when we are going down a path of doing and saying things from a hurt place. With self-awareness, we can recalibrate when we have gotten off track. 5. Clearer Communication "Communication issues" are a frequent complaint couples have when seeking help. Most often it is not about needing better communication, but it is about developing the awareness and understanding of what is going on underneath that is important. Typically, we will attack, blame, turn away or protest in the hopes that our partner will recognize our hurt and offer reassurance, love, and support. But often this does not work. However, if we have clear insight into our vulnerability and pain, we are in a much better position to communicate clearly with our partner. In this case, they are much more likely to be able to understand, empathize and want to help. How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner "One of the biggest benefits of mindfulness is its ability to help us slow down intense emotional processes. Often, when we are upset or disappointed or frustrated with our partner, our brain is in hyperdrive. We are on high alert in trying to get our needs met and express ourselves. Unfortunately, this high anxiety status can impede us from being able to clearly tell our partners what we're looking for from them. Approaching your partner mindfully can help you slow down so that you can have a more productive conversation." With mindfulness, we can develop the ability to be more clear and direct with our communication. We can be more tactful and kind, as we assist our partner in meeting us. 6. More Empathy With mindfulness, the insula, the part of the brain that is associated with empathy and compassion changes. As we develop mindfulness, we have more capacity to understand our partner's perspective. We can identify with their emotion and feel empathy, compassion, and the desire to help. This is a major turning point in any difficult conversation, as this is where connection can occur and possibilities start to open up. The more we practice, the more care and empathy we can bring to a difficult conversation. When our partner feels our care and consideration, they are more likely to open up and engage in a productive way. With a climate of more compassion and warmth, partners feel more love, support, and intimacy, which strengthens their bond and connection. 7. More Acceptance In the series about pain, I talked about how life involves some degree of pain. When we worry about the pain, try to avoid the pain, or try to make it different, we create a lot of suffering. Often times, when couples seek help, they have been in pain for a long period of time. Unfortunately, it is actually the way they have tried to avoid the pain that has created much more damage, problems and suffering than the initial pain itself. Mindfulness increases our ability to be present with what is. As we become more mindful, we achieve a greater sense of inner peace. HOW TO PRACTICE MINDFULNESS Here are some links to some great mindfulness resources and exercises to get you started: 22 Mindfulness Exercises, Techniques & Activities For Adults (Article) 6 Mindfulness Exercises You Can Try Today (Article) How Mindfulness Techniques Can Help Your Relationship, By Erica Turner (Article) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 1: A Complete Guided Mindfulness Meditation Program from Jon Kabat-Zinn (Audio) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 2 (Audio) Guided Mindfulness Meditation Series 3 by Kabat-Zinn, Jon (2012) Audio CD (Audio) MENTIONED: ERP 143: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness – Part Two (podcast) ERP 142: How to Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value

If you missed part one, you can check it out here ERP 142, where I give you explanations and examples of mindfulness and how you may already be practicing mindfulness in your life. With a better understanding of mindfulness in general, let's talk about how mindfulness benefits our relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HOW MINDFULNESS BENEFITS RELATIONSHIPS. Research is beginning to show us that higher levels of mindfulness contribute to happier, more satisfying relationships. Generally, mindfulness helps us: Keeps Things Fresh: You are less likely to take each other for granted or be caught up in your stories and expectations. You are more likely to recognize the growth and newness in your partner. You are more likely to appreciate and value your partner because you are more in the moment and paying quality attention to them. Soothes Fears and Anxieties: While being in relationship provides love and connection, it can also stimulate anxieties and insecurities. Fears of being hurt will make us more reactive and protective. Unfortunately, these reactive and protective strategies push our partner away, and lead to more pain, conflict, and disconnect. Mindfulness is a valuable tool for dealing with our fears and reactions. Learning to deal with our insecurities is probably one of the most important skills in keeping a relationship healthy and happy. 7 WAYS MINDFULNESS BENEFITS YOU AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP. 1. More Attentive With mindfulness practice, we strengthen the area in our brains associated with attention and focus. When practicing mindfulness, we can recognize when we have spaced out, started thinking about something else and come back to our partner. For partner's whose primary love language is "quality time," attention and focus are the ultimate ways of feeling loved and cared about. When a partner is distracted and preoccupied, they may feel as though "You don't really care. You don't really love me." Regardless of your partner's primary love language, being present and engaged helps create a safe space for your partner to share and express more fully, which it turn cultivates a deeper sense of understanding, intimacy, and connection. 2. Able to respond Rather Than React. When practicing mindfulness, we develop our capacity for increased emotional regulation. In previous podcast episodes, I have talked about how easily our "fight, flight, or freeze" mode can get activated when we feel threatened. When we are in a triggered place, it is very difficult if not impossible to respond in a level and skillful way. Research shows that with mindfulness, we are able to decrease the volume of the amygdala. The switch to our "flight, flight or freeze" response is not as easily flipped. The amygdala has less power to hijack us. Being able to respond rather than react helps partners slow down, take pause and assess the situation before jumping to conclusions. Once we have calmed down, we can communicate more clearly and from the heart, rather than reacting and getting into negative cycles or destructive behavior. 3. More Emotionally Regulated Mindfulness strengthens the prefrontal cortex and improves the connectivity between the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that is responsible for higher level thinking, perceiving other's emotions, decision-making, moderating our behavior and regulating our own emotional expression. These are all critical brain functions to being able to relate to someone else effectively. One of the primary goals of keeping yourself regulated (calm and collected) is to stay in the prefrontal cortex. As soon as your amygdala is firing away, you are in protection mode. How Mindfulness Can Save Your Relationship By Lisa Firestone "A typical conversation between a couple may involve one partner remarking, "You used to be up for anything. You were so lively when we met." This may spark a defensive response in the other partner: "What? You're saying I'm not spontaneous anymore? You think I'm boring? What about you? You never get off the couch!" This type of angry and accusatory response tends to have a snowball effect. "I never said you were boring, and now you're calling me lazy? I work day and night to make you happy. You're so ungrateful." By Lisa Firestone Without mindfulness, one is likely to have a short fuse and respond in defended demeanor (i.e. "What is wrong with you?"). With mindfulness, one is likely to recognize something is going on and be more sensitive. (i.e. "Honey, I see you. Do you want to talk about it?") Imagine a scenario where your partner has done or said something that you find alarming or challenging. You feel triggered. You feel your emotions rising to the surface. You are at a choice point. You can react or take a few moments to notice your thoughts and emotions. As you stay present to noticing your experience (without getting caught up in your

The demands of modern life keep us busy and pulled in many directions. It is easy to get swept away with schedules and tasks. We hope to be more productive and accomplish more. However, we sometimes expect too much of ourselves and our relationships. To make matters worse, we often fall into the trap of thinking our relationships are self-sustaining. We believe that a good relationship just works and is easy. However, like with most things, relationships do not grow and flourish with little care and attention. Additionally, when we are presented with a difficultly or challenge, we often try to avoid the pain. Yet, there can be tremendous value in learning to turn towards the pain and be with it. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In this episode, I am going to give you a little more description of mindfulness. Description of mindfulness: "Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." by Lode Dewulf Without focus, we are prone to going into autopilot, negative habitual thinking, distraction, and preoccupation. Mindfulness involves redirecting your focus and attention over and over again. At first, it will feel impossible. Jon Kabat Zinn calls it the monkey mind (see below). The goal with mindfulness is to train your mind. Jon Kabat-Zinn says mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment on purpose and without judgment. Mindfulness helps you experience your life more fully as it is happening, in each moment. You become more present, engaged and connected to what is happening. Mindfulness is a skill we can acquire. Mindfulness is always available Mindfulness is a way to calm ourselves down when distressed. Mindfulness increases our awareness of what we are experiencing and the space to decide how we want to act in any given situation. In the next episode, I will share How To Increase Relationship Satisfaction with Mindfulness. Stay tuned MENTIONED: ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn (video) Meditation Is Not What You Think: Mindfulness and Why It Is So Important (book)

"THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE" In last weeks episode, I talked about Lode Dewulf's Ted Talk The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, and how this relates to relationship pain. I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In life, we area all faced with pain. Most of us work really hard at avoiding the pain. Yet, when we do not meet the pain directly, we create more suffering for ourselves. Avoiding, resisting and fighting all create additional pain and suffering. Mindfulness helps regulate the nervous system, so that we can get calm and clear headed. "Mindfulness is a mental state, which is achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while very calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations." by Lode Dewulf THE LEARNING PROCESS The learning process involves four stages. To go to the next stage will involve a little bit of pain. 1. Unaware & Incompetent Insight 2. Aware & Incompetent Training 3. Aware & Competent Practice 4. Unaware & Competent ACCESS YOUR FREE RELATIONSHIP MAP. "Let us stop this obsession to avoid pain. And let us stop the illusion that life, learning, and happiness can ever be without pain. Because that awareness is the first step towards healing out of pain. " By Lode Dewulf MENTIONED: Relationship Map (1 page graphic opt-in) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article)

"THE VALUE IN PAIN AND THE PAIN IN VALUE" Last year, I can across this Ted Talk, The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf I highly recommend watching the video. He does a great job of describing how we compound the amount of pain we experience, by adding more layers of pain. Lode's teaching apply to all types of pain, physical, mental, emotional, etc. Today, I we're going to focus on relationship pain. Why is it…"Our best way and often only way of dealing with pain seems to be avoidance. Pain is that big elephant that lives in most rooms of our life and that we prefer to ignore or suppress. No wonder then that the business of pain suppression is big business. In 2015 alone, over 300 million prescriptions for painkillers were written in the world for a total cost of 24 billion US dollars. Making painkillers the second most prescribed class of medicines after anticancer drugs. Strikingly, 95% of that consumption is in the United States and Europe with US taking the vast majority." by Lode Dewulf (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) RELATIONSHIP PAIN When it comes to relationship pain, we often get confused. On one hand, we fantasize about the idyllic beginnings of relationship comparing the current experience to the "way things used to be." When we enter into the power struggle stage, we often are disillusioned by the relationship challenges. Thinking, "I didn't sign up for this." On the other hand, we know relationships take a level of investment and attention. We understand that keeping a relationship healthy requires effort. Sometimes the effort will require us to heal and grow, which can feel painful. How much pain is too much? For me the question is more about how are we dealing with our pain? Are we directly meeting our pain or are we denying, deflecting, avoiding, projecting suppressing in ineffective, dysfunctional, and harmful ways? Access your free Relationship Map. Client example: (please listen to the episode for full description) Like – Past/Loss: He might say, "I miss the days where she adored me and was loving toward me." She might say. "I miss feeling him with me and our connection." Like – Future/Desire: He might say, "I wish she would treat me with more consideration and respect." She might say, "I wish he would engage with me and let me in." Dislike – Past/Anger: Blame: He might say, "She is such a villian. I can't believe I put up with this!" She might say, "He is so passive. How are we to have a relationship, if he doesn't show up!" Guilt: He might say, "I don't know how to give her what she wants. Maybe I am not good enough." She might say, "Why did I choose a guy like this? Why didn't I see the signs?" Dislike – Future/Fear: He might say, "Is this how it is going to be. I don't know how to live with someone who is constantly berating or belittling me. I may never be truly happy." She might say, "I have tried everything to get him to engage. Maybe he doesn't really care about me and will leave me. I may never have real love." TURNING TOWARDS PAIN If you have listened to my previous podcasts, I talk about turning towards your pain, so that you can see what is going on. Once you have more clarity, then you can share with your partner more vulnerability. When your partner can see you and your hurt, they are likely to soften. This begins to create safety, allowing more openness and connection. Conversely, when we don't turn towards our pain. We will consciously or often unconsciously, work really hard to protect ourselves. We all have really good strategies to shut down, ignore, divert, protest, go intellectual, criticize, and blame…all of which are ways to attempt avoiding the pain. However, what ends up happening is we complicate the dynamic and create more pain and suffering. If you blame and attack your partner, they are likely to get defensive. If you shut down, your partner is likely going to want to seek you out. In next weeks episode, I'll share more about how my clients experienced a dramatic transformation in their connection. I will also be referencing another teaching tool from Lode Dewulf's TED Talk, so that you have a better understanding of how to deal with pain in a more constructive manner. MENTIONED: Relationship Map(1 page graphic opt-in) The Value in Pain and the Pain in Value, by Lode Dewulf (TED Talk) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship?(article) What Sleeping With Married Men Taught Me About Infidelity, By Karin Jones(article) Photo by Josh Nuttall on Unsplash Photo by Lauren Kayon Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relati

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I love your podcast! Thank you so much for all your advice. I have been dating a guy ten years my age for just over a year. The first 5 months of our relationship I was emotionally cheating with my ex. When it became open I cut off communication and worked very hard to gain back trust. It's been eight months on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to earn back trust. I did everything I thought to do to fix my mistakes and it seemed futile. It came to the point where I told myself I was "done" if he aggressively accused me and belittled me one more time. It happened of course and that was a turning point for me. I have lost interest in trying. Now my boyfriend decided he doesn't want to lose me and wants to work on things and even offered to pay for counselling… but I can't get my ex (whom I cheated on with) out of my head. I haven't contacted him since I don't want things to be messier than they are but I don't know what to do. Is my obsession with my ex is real or fake. Should I stay and fix this since my boyfriend wants to work on things or should I move on or contact my ex?" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) POINTS DISCUSSED It is nearly impossible to create a thriving, intimate, safe, conscious connection, when there is a lot of withholding. "Withdrawal and projection are the natural outcomes of withholding. When you withhold, you keep inside yourself things that should be expressed. The very act of hiding these things takes you one step back from the relationship. A result of this withdrawal is that you will begin to project. In other words, you begin to attribute to other people things that are actually issues of your own. Withdrawal follows withholding so swiftly that often we do not notice the sense of distance at first." By Gay Hendricks & Kathlyn Hendricks (Conscious Loving, page 48) It is difficult to assess the quality of the connection (because you haven't been fully present). You can only speculate what things would be like if you were really "in" the relationship. Withholding leads to perceiving things inaccurately because we are not actually connecting with the other person, we are making up a story about it true for them and this leads to gross misunderstandings and disconnect. More importantly, it does not give room for the other person to really see you, meet you, and be with you AND this is what creates intimacy and connection. This is a vicious cycle. The more you withhold, the more your partner senses something is off. Your partner has a choice in how he deals with the threatening feelings. Unfortunately, many people do not feel safe or have the skill to say "I am scared you are not really in this with me." Instead, people will react out of fear and disconnect. This is where destructive behaviors happen. This is where the downward spiral ensues. Both partners turn away from each other, losing trust in one another and the relationship. RECOMMENDATIONS: Set limits about what type of behavior you are willing to engage with. If he starts belittling you, then I would remove yourself from the situation. It will be important to discuss this ahead of time. Let him know you care about his experience. If he has concern, issue, or feelings about something, you are available to listen and be with him. But you are not willing to be the target. Talking about it ahead of time will help him understand that you are not rejecting him in the moment, rather you are trying to create safety by removing yourself from a negative interaction. Turn inward to reflect on some of your deeper motivations. What does your ex represent for you? What associations do you have with him? What are you missing in your current relationship? Want are you longing for? What does fantasizing about your ex do for you? Is it a form of escape? For example, you are not wanting to face the pain and difficulty within your relationship. What stops you from being completely honest and transparent? Are you afraid of his reaction? Are you afraid of hurting him? Do you feel scared of conflict? Do you not feel safe? Do you not want to lose your partner? Many times people get preoccupied with questions like "Is this the right person for me? Is this the right relationship? Should I stay or should I go?" These are very difficult questions to answer. Instead, I would like to encourage questions like "How can we invest in a positive, constructive dynamic together? How can we build a safe connection? How can we build trust?" You already know the dynamic isn't working. Focus on repairing the interactions and this will give you a better opportunity of saving your relationship. I would highly recommend getting support to work through the areas that have been keeping you stuck, as well as to build a constructive path forward. At the very least, you will learn a lot about yourself. MENTIONED: Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict(artic

Dr. Hendrix is a couple's therapist with over 40 years experience as an educator, clinical trainer and lecturer whose work has been on Oprah 18 times. In addition to Dr. Hunt's partnership with her husband in the co-creation of Imago, she is sole author of Faith and Feminism. She was installed in the Women's Hall of Fame for her leadership in the global women's movement. Helen and Harville have been married for over 30 years, have six children, and reside in Dallas, Texas. LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: Why we fall in love and what happens in the partnering process. What drives us and compels us towards particular people. What is going on in the brain when we partner in a love relationship. How childhood experiences impact our relational needs. "Your unconscious mind is experiencing and connecting with a person in adulthood who is similar to the caretakers you had in childhood, and that activates the hope and possibility that you will get those needs met." • How couples can shift their relationship dynamics. • When there is conflict how to understand what unconscious patterns might be involved, and a valuable tool to help identify and assist in shifting these unconscious patterns."The formula embedded in your frustration with your partner is a wish in disguise, in that it is an unexpressed desire." • How to engage in a dialogue process with your partner to increase understanding, empathy, and connection. • What the term Zero Negativity means. • Why negativity is one of the worst things you can do in relationship."The primary commitment is to reconnect as quickly as possible so our brains don't become habituated to a disconnected state." • Important advice about what is most important to making relationships successful. MENTIONED: • The Space Between: The Point of Connection (book) • Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (book) • Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths (book) • Harville & Helen (website) • Relationships First (website) • The Gottman Institute (website) • Dr. Sue Johnson (website) • Dr. Dan Siegel (website) • Dr. Stephen Porges (website) TRANSCRIPT:Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 138: The Most Critical Ingredient For Relationship Success, With Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: KATE MOYLE Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist and In House Expert and Partner at Pillow App for Couples. Pillow helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy.. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex, relationships and intimacy in order to help those she works with and the thousands that have downloaded Pillow get closer to achieving the relationships that they want. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) LISTEN TO THE EPISODE TO LEARN ABOUT: What a psychosexual therapist is and what they do. How to define or redefine sex and intimacy. How we typically measure the health of our sex lives. Learn how to communicate about sex with your partner when you have different needs or desires. How to deal with your expectations and assumptions about sex. What to do when you feel pressure to perform. How to gain confidence and be comfortable with the role of sex in our lives. How to build intimacy and connection in relationship. MENTIONED: Pillow (website) Kate Moyle (website) Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Amazon link) Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 137: How To Make Space For Sex In Your Relationship [TRANSCRIPT] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

If you missed part one, please check out ERP 135, where I give you a greater understanding of what is happening during the grieving process. I talk about what to look out for if you are experiencing loss in your life, as well as what you might expect with the stages of grief. In this episode, I give you 6 tips on how to cope and heal when dealing with loss in your life and relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 6 TIPS ON HOW TO COPE WITH GRIEF & LOSS These tips can be used and combined in various ways. They not intended to be used in any particular order. T.R.I.B.E.S. T. Take Action. Somatic psychology research helps us understand the importance of using our bodies to shift the emotional charge and intensity of a loss. R. Ritual. Homemade rituals can be powerful ways to bring our healing and intentions into focus. I. Impeccable self-care. As mentioned in ERP 135, when grieving, our whole system (physically, emotionally, psychologically) is trying to cope with the loss. Giving yourself the extra support and care will help you recover more efficiently and effectively. B. Be Present With Love. At some point, we have to choose, whether or not we are going to deny it, fight it, or attempt to control it, or are we going to accept the loss. Accepting often feels like a sense of surrender. When we are present and open, we are more available to the presence of love all around us. "Sometimes it feels as though we are broken open to find that we are whole." E. Express Yourself. You have to "Feel it to heal it." When we attend to our emotional process, we have a greater opportunity to heal and grow. You have to "Name it to tame it." S. Seek Support. While being around friends and family may be difficult, meaningful connection can offer feelings of connection, warmth, and positivity. As a reminder grief looks different for each person, be gentle with yourself and do your best to work with your healing process. If you need extra support, consider reaching out to a therapist or coach. MENTIONED: ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) Santa Barbara Bucket Brigade 2018 (Volunteer page) Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma (book) Ram Dass: Fierce Grace (dvd) Coping With Grief & Loss, by HelpGuide.org (article) Empowered Relationship FB Page TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Grief is a universal emotion, and loss is an experience we can all relate to…whether we have been faced with a tragedy beyond our control, like a natural disaster, or whether we are contemplating a relationship separation or divorce. Even the act of addressing long-standing issues in relationship, can bring up feelings of anticipatory grief. This is especially true when confronting significant issues or issues that haven't been dealt with for a long while. Once we are questioning the relationship, we are contemplating the possible loss. Grief is a natural response to loss and can evoke intense emotional pain. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) EMOTIONAL LITERACY & GRIEF Processing grief is a difficult task in and of itself and is made even more difficult when we have little experience paying attention to our emotional world. When we are not accustomed to meeting our feelings, we do not have emotional literacy. Emotional literacy refers to the ability to understand, express, and manage our feelings. In Dr. Jennifer Ballarini's post, "The Police Officer's Paradox," she quotes Lt. Al Benner with the San Francisco Police. "To function effectively in our job, you must annihilate, smother, and suppress normal emotions like fear, anger, revulsion, and even compassion. To do so otherwise is to invite overwhelming doubt or hesitancy when decisive action is required. The penalty for your achieved competence is a mindset that might as well be a foreign language to your social contemporaries. We are…victims of our own success. When these same normal and appropriate emotions…surface in personal relationships, we automatically shut down and wonder why, over time, that the people we care about the most complain that we are aloof, cold, and uncommunicative." — Lt. Al Benner, San Francisco Police People in other professions like surgeons, doctors, nurses, first responders, firefighters, etc. are also required to set aside their emotions, so that they can focus on their job to protect, save, and heal. Our upbringings can also influence our emotional literacy. If we grew up in an environment that did not welcome, allow, or value emotions, then we are likely to have negative beliefs about emotions. For example, emotions are: irrational purposeless valueless not to be trusted dangerous unsafe unknown mysterious. When we do not have experience giving our emotions value, we tend to feel overwhelmed when confronted with intense emotional pain. We have a hard time being with present with our feelings. We don't know what to do. WHAT GRIEF FEELS LIKE: Grief will look different for each person. There is no right way to grieve and there is no exact time frame for the process. The feelings of grief often come in waves. You may feel fine one moment and then the next moment, you may feel unbearable pain. Your body is working overtime to recover and heal. You will likely undergo an emotional, physical, psychological response to the loss. You may experience a range of feelings: Shock Numbness Sadness Guilt Anger Fear Irritability You may experience physical symptoms such as: No appetite or nausea Sleep disturbances Difficulty thinking or making decisions Fatigue Anxiety Stressed Mental focus and memory difficulties. You may be struggling with questions like: Who am I now? What is really important now? You may feel a sense of shattering of your: Identity Goals Dreams Desires Expectations. WHAT TO BE AWARE OF WITH GRIEF: Grief will trigger feelings of previous loss grief and loss. Pay special attention to when you are activated (or triggered) and what feelings are coming up for you, especially if you have experienced trauma in the past. I highly encourage seeking additional support in this event. Grief is different than depression. If you notice that you are having negative thoughts or negative behaviors towards yourself, please consider getting support and guidance to handle your loss. A depressive state can greatly complicate the grieving and healing process. FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF 1. Shock or Denial. "This can't be happening. I don't know how to process this. This is too much to deal with. I can't do this right now." 2. Anger. "This is messed up. I am so mad at you. Why did you do this to me? You ruined my life. I wasted so much time with you." 3. Bargaining. "What if we tried this or tried that? What if I was different in this way? What if I did this for you?" 4. Acceptance. "She is leaving me. I don't want to be in relationship anymore. I am sad, but it is what it is." 5. Moving on. "I am going to focus on improving myself. I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do. I want to meet new people." Be patient with your grieving process. Stay tuned for part two for tips in how to deal and cope with grief and loss. To take your relationship development to the next level, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So H

GUEST: CANDY CRAWFORD Candy Crawford, MSW, LCSW, is a therapist, educator, and advocate for highly sensitive people. She maintains a private practice in the Chicago area, where she specializes in working with the highly sensitive and facilitates workshops and retreats in collaboration with Elaine Aron, research psychologist and pioneer in the study of this trait. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON FACTS: Highly Sensitive Person is a layman's term. The scientific name is Sensory Processing Sensitivity. It is innate and occurs in 20% of the population. Therefore, 1 in 5 people have this trait. It is not a disorder or developmental issue. It occurs equally in men and women. 70% are introverted. 30% are extroverted. The tendency is found in the immune system, as well as the central nervous system. It is found in over 100 animal species. FOUR PILLARS OF HSP: D.O.E.S. D: Depth of processing. O: Over arousal or overwhelm. E: Emotional intensity. S: Sensory sensitivity. "Our brain is processing information in a more concentrated form." By Candy Crawford HOW DO I KNOW IF I AM HIGHLY SENSITIVE? If you think you might be a Highly Sensitive Person, you may want to take a self assessment test to get an indication (by Elaine Aron). Here are a couple of examples from Elaine Aron's HSP Self-test: "I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input." "I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment." "I have a rich, complex inner life." "I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art." If you are a parent and want to determine if your child is a HSP, then you can take this self-test to identify if your child has the trait. BENEFITS AND CHALLENGES TO BEING A HSP People who are highly sensitive offer great gifts to the world. They typically offer unusual depth and complexity, tenderness, and conscientiousness. They tend to be great listeners, leaders, and loyal companions. They are often creative and compassionate. One of the main drawbacks of having this trait is 80% of the population doesn't understand the experience of a highly sensitive person. Therefore, a highly sensitive person often feels misunderstood. Another consideration is that the demands of our modern, busy, chaotic world can feel overwhelming. "We exhibit such a full range of humanity." by Candy Crawford Important notes: Self-care is a critical key to thriving as a highly sensitive person. HSP's need daily down time. The goal is to strive for an Optimal Level of Arousal, which is where the nervous system is moderately alert and aroused, in that too much or too little stress can be problematic. "It requires a certain level of courage and a sense of self to live in alignment with your trait." by Candy Crawford SENSITIVITY AND INTIMACY: HSP's tend to get very bored in relationship. They don't enjoy small talk and prefer deeper conversations. They enjoy discussing existential topics. They love to process about their relationships. They bring a level of intensity. They can become overwhelmed quickly when in conflict. They look for meaning and significance in relationship. Understanding and gaining education about the needs of the highly sensitive person can be helpful in enabling the couple to work together in collaboration rather than resorting to blame, comparisons, and criticism. Helpful ways to interact with a HSP: Take an interest in your partner. Be curious. What has moved you? What was something you wondered about today? Tips for a HSP: Know your limits. Remove yourself when you get overwhelmed. Take care of yourself. Communicate your needs. To learn an important suggestion in how to develop a stronger sense of self, please listen to the interview with Candy Crawford. "In relationship, you want two fully functioning independent people showing up." by Candy Crawford MENTIONED: The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron (website) HSP Self-Test (self-test) Candy Crawford LCSW (website) The Highly Sensitive Person (book) Sensitive (documentary) Sensitive and In Love (documentary HSP and Horses (event) HSP Gatherings (event) Is Your Child Highly Sensitive? (self-test) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! ❤ If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION In this episode, I offer feedback to a listener who wants to deepen the level of commitment in his relationship, but is worried about coming on too strong and scaring her off. He is also afraid of getting rejected. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) TIPS TO CONSIDER: State your desire as openly and honestly as possible. Practice safe vulnerability. Take care of yourself. Look for an opportunity for mutual engagement. Give space for your partner's authentic experience. Honor your values and relationship goals. Excerpt from The Gottman Institute: "If you suffer a physical injury, would you wait weeks or even years before seeing a doctor? Probably not, because you know that a doctor can assess what's wrong and treat it before things gets worse. Unfortunately, most couples don't think of emotional injuries in the same way. The average couple waits six years before seeking help, and by that point it can too late. The good news is that, according to the research, prevention is 3x more effective than intervention." To get support and invest in the strength and health of your relationship, check out the Connected Couple program. MENTIONED: The Gottman Institute (website) Photo by Gerome Viavant on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 133: How to confront the commitment conversation when you are afraid of rejection [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos are a dynamic husband and wife team who help compassionate entrepreneurs create the financial freedom they really want without compromising their integrity. As sought after rehabilitation and energy medicine professionals for over two decades, they have helped thousands of people achieve their desires through employing natural law and sensation-based mindset practices. Together they have created multiple businesses, a teaching institute, blended a family, and love sharing with other couples the secret to their success. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) NOTES FROM ANI ANDERSON AND BRIAN TRZASKOS: Brian & Ani share their story and how they came into relationship with a deep desire for a more expanded experience in life. They talked about the transformational process of being honest, authentic, and clear about their path to move forward together. "Storms happen in people's life. Things just come out of nowhere and are completely unexpected, but when we meet them with complete honesty and integrity than everyone through the process has an opportunity to shift and change and come to a higher level of being within themselves also." – Brian Trzaskos Memory recapitulation process: 3 favorite memories from childhood. 3 favorite personal memories as an adult. 3 favorite professional memories as an adult. Through the sensation-based mindset work, you can identify the top felt quality and sensation from these memories. To discover more about the sensation-based word you identified, you can look up the definition, synonyms and antonyms of the top sensation. The opposite of the felt sensation will be a key part of your experience. Then, you will come up with a statement for the sensation-based word, which then becomes your compass for making decisions. This sentence structure becomes your Soul's Agenda Statement. In relationship, your partner can support your soul's agenda, and you can support their soul's agenda as well. When you know what your partner's core purpose is, then you can ask very powerful, compassionate reminder questions. For example: What do you need to express? Where are you trapped right now? "Knowing your soul's agenda and both sides of the coin really allows people to remain conscious and open even in the difficult times, so they can see opportunities and get to the next level." Ani Anderson MENTIONED: Ani Anderson & Brian Trzaskos' website Practical Alchemist (website). Free gift: https://www.practicalalchemist.com/empoweredrelationships/ TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 132: How To Work With Your Soul's Agenda With Ani Anderson and Brian Trzaskos [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 21. BE INCLUSIVE. In relationship, we can drift into being a little more self-focused. Over time the relationship can become one-sided, in that one partner dominants the decision making. How do you and your partner make decisions? Do you make unilateral decisions or do you solicit your partner's input and feedback? If you are the more assertive one in the relationship, perhaps take a little more time to include your partner in the decision making process. Consider their needs, values, and preferences AND take time to understand the importance of what those things mean to them. Most likely their interest have a particular significance to them, and when we don't take time to learn more we could be missing a great opportunity. Ask their opinion. What do you think? Let them know you value their perspective and thoughts. Include them in conversation and activities. 22. HAVE YOUR PARTNER'S BACK. How can you work together as a stronger team? This takes time, practice, and trust to develop. We all have our unique strengths and weaknesses. Maybe together, you and your partner can look at your collective efforts and how you can compliment each other and have each others' back. We all go through phases and seasons, maybe it be worth considering how to help more, if your partner is struggling. Is there a way you can offer to make your partner's life easier and take something off their plate? Another way of having your partner's back is to take your partner's side when they're upset about something outside the relationship. This means being supportive even if you think they're being unreasonable. 23. PUT YOUR PARTNER FIRST. Putting your partner first may be harder for people who have children and/or busy careers. However, many times I have seen clients feel hurt or insecure with how their partner does not prioritize their needs and preferences. This is especially true for the natural giver and pleaser in the relationship. From time to time, prioritize your partner's needs first. Help your partner feel important and cared about. Instead of putting work or the children first, put their needs first. Help them feel special. When you walk in the door, hug them first. Make their favorite dinner. Do something they want to do. Share in an activity they enjoy. 24. PRACTICE ACCEPTANCE INSTEAD OF CONTROL. Respect your partner's choices and preferences. Give space for your partner to be who they are. To alleviate anxiety, stress, and fear, it is common to want to control your partner as a source of relief. Offering acceptance to your partner helps create a feeling of unconditional regard, where your partner can let their guard down and feel okay to just be. 25. APPRECIATION & GRATITUDE In the article "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith quotes John Gottman "There's a habit of mind that the masters have, which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners' mistakes." Look for the good. Focus on your partner's positive attributes. Intentionally appreciate your relationship and your partner. Your mindset and focus will greatly influence how you treat your partner. By choosing to attend to the positive aspects of your relationship, by recalling good memories, or your partner's strengths, you will add positive energy into your dynamic. When negativity arises, notice what is going on for you. You may be irritable for other reasons (i.e. long day, giving too much to other, needing a little self-care), or you have a concern with something within your relationship, or it might be a habit to scan for the negative. In all situations, it will be helpful to counterbalance the negativity by consciously choosing to acknowledge goodness in your partner. The next level is to express your appreciation and gratitude through the form of compliments, appreciations, and acknowledgements. "You look great." "I see how hard you are working and it means a lot to me." "Thank you for making me laugh." Cultivating positive interactions, big and small, helps you strengthen your relationship. Appreciations. "I appreciate…" Thank your partner. Writ

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS (16-20) 16. ACCEPT YOUR PARTNER'S PERSPECTIVE. In relationship, people want to feel heard, understood, respected, and validated. This is especially true during conflict or a difference of opinion. Often partners will go around and around explaining themselves over and over in an attempt to feel understood. When they don't feel heard and understood, voices raise, conflict escalates and disconnect increases. Amazing shifts occur when partners can take the time to not only hear their partner's words, but truly listen… not only comprehend their partner's issue, but to understand it deeply. You do not have to agree with your partner to understand and entertain their perspective. A big key in being able to put yourself in your partner's shoes is to slow down. So often, we feel a sense of urgency and we want to rush through the conflict as quickly as possible. However, this generally causes more problems. When partners can see the validity in each other's experience, they begin to work together and their conflictual dynamic dramatically improves. Letting your partner know that you get why they feel the way they do or how their perspective makes sense (even if you don't agree) helps them feel seen, heard, acknowledged and respected. When both partners feel understood, acknowledged, and respected, they can collaborate more easily to work towards creative solutions. If you need more practice with this, consider checking out this article or some of my podcasts about conflict. 17. EMPATHIZE AND APOLOGIZE. Offer sincere empathy when you take your partner's perspective. When you imagine what it is like for them as they describe their experience, attune to their emotional world. Try to understand what they have been feeling or better yet imagine what you would feel if you were in the same scenario, exactly as they described it. Brené Brown has done so much to teach us about the power of empathy and human connection. I still recommend her TED Talks and RSA animated shorts (see below for links). Empathy can be conveyed in a few simple words or even through your nonverbal expressions and gestures (i.e. body posture and facial expressions). The goal is to be present with your partner's pain and not turn away. Be willing to "feel with" your partner. Empathy helps people feel accepted and connected, rather than feeling shame and alone. A little bit of empathy can go a long way in building an emotional bond and sense of togetherness. Apologies are where we acknowledge how our ways have impacted our partner and maybe even admit fault. Yet, many people have a hard time getting to this place because they feel defensive and protective. Apologies are easier when we drop the ball. We know we messed up and we can easily apologize. An apology is much harder when you had no intention to hurt your partner. Even harder still is apologizing when you feel that your actions were justified. In this case, it may be an apology for a specific part of the interaction. "I am sorry I reacted." "I am sorry I got defensive." "I am sorry I hurt your feelings." 18. ACKNOWLEDGE PLACES YOU AND YOUR PARTNER AGREE. As I mentioned before, negative emotions carry a lot of weight. Hence, this is why John Gottman recommends the 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions, as it takes 5 positives to counteract the 1 negative interaction. In the business sector, it is common for customer service representatives to get more negative feedback than positive. Generally, people will complain about a concern, but they will not comment about their positive experiences. This is also true in relationship. We vocalize our complaints and issues, but we don't always express our positive feedback. During conflictual times, it is easy to lose sight of the positives. We forget our partner loves us. We overlook all the ways they give and care for us. We ignore their good intentions and positive efforts to help. We forget they are in pain too. One way to acknowledge the areas that are working well in your relationship is to look at the places you agree and are on the same page. Finding opportunities for agreement can build a sense of alliance and help shift the direction of the conversation. Any form of agreement can build some quality of togetherness. Some co

In ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love – Part One, I talked about the article, titled "Masters Of Love," by Emily Esfahani Smith The article discussed the key to lasting relationships comes down to kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, "kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) If you are interested in practicing more kindness in your relationship to strengthen your love, download this free pdf. The goal is to choose one kindness action or gesture a day for 25 days. 25 Tips for Building Kindness (11-15) 11. Learn how to address issues. Most of us do not feel uncomfortable with conflict or addressing a conflictual topic with our loved one. Often, we have experienced pain, difficulty, and upset during conflict in the past. The take away message has been "I don't want to do that again." Unconsciously, we make a decision to avoid sensitive topics. There is a balance to be struck when addressing a conflict. A) You will not want to invest the time and energy with just anyone. You will reserve this process for people who you are very close with, intend to have a lasting relationship with, and would like to deepen the intimacy with. B) You will want to get in touch with what is true, but you will also want to practice tact and consideration when expressing yourself. C) You will want to develop skill in addressing an issue. Like anything, there is a learning curve towards developing any level of skill. Acquired skill does not come without learning and practice. Conflict in relationship is a tricky area to develop skill in because it requires us to tolerate some pretty uncomfortable emotions, particularly, how to deal with fear and anger. Often, we don't have a safe practice ground. When you were learning to drive, did your parent take you to the country or an abandoned parking lot to practice? The idea here is to have a safe place to get acquainted with all the mechanics and practice without hurting anyone or anything. We do not have this practice ground in relationship. It is real-time. Live and often feels like do or die. Your partner's skill level matters greatly in the equation as well. Whether or not they can manage their emotional reactivity and insecurities. Do they take things personally? Do the assume the worst? Do they get protective, defensive, or blaming? Avoiding doesn't work either. "Kindness doesn't mean that we don't express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you're hurt and angry, and that's the kinder path." by Julie Gottman 12. Practice respect during conflict. When push comes to shove, do you step up or do you step away? In my younger years, I had to work towards calming down my reactions and tempering my impulses. To think before I speak and not lash out. To try to be more objective and considerate in my languaging. To not to be so defensive when I feel attacked. Whereas, other people have to work towards coming to the table, when their impulse is to step away. Maybe their pattern is to distance themselves or get passive aggressive. Or maybe they ignore, reject, or cut people off. Stepping up and stepping away can both be done in disrespectful ways. Knowing your tendency is helpful when trying to understand your patterns in conflict. Do you know where you go when are not at your best in conflict? One shift that helped me be more respectful during conflict was to have the goal of practicing respect as a form of integrity, in that treating someone with dignity and civility is a way that I can feel good about myself and my character. If character and integrity become the goal or measure, then what helps accomplish that goal? Taking care of yourself. Calming down. Removing yourself from the dynamic. Setting a boundary. Here are a couple of examples of how to practice respect during a conflict: Be objective and fair in recounting of the story. Stick to the facts. Have tact. "Tact is telling the truth kindly, considerate of how your words affect others' feelings. Think before you speak, knowing what is better left unsaid. When you are tactful, others find it easier to hear what you have to say. Tact builds bridges." By The Virtues Project Be considerate. Your partner has a perspective and a position as well. Can you make room for their experience? Start a difficult conversation gently instead of waiting for things to reach a boiling point. "The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship." By Emily Esfahani Smith, The Atlantic 13. Strive for the 5 to 1 ratio. If you are familiar with John Got