Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She basically asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in this regard." To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Third in the podcast series, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship. Today, I am talking about How To Clear An Issue With Your Spouse/Partner. Basically, I am discussing the 7 important elements to successful communication when you are having an issue with your partner. The exercise I refer to in this episode is A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication. HOW TO CLEAR COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES: 1. LEARN TO TAKE PERSPECTIVE The purpose of this communication exercise is to take perspective. As you genuinely put yourself in your partner's shoes, you can gain new understandings and awarenesses you would have not otherwise gained. You and your partner will feel emotionally closer and connected as you both share and authentically listen to one another. 2. DON'T INITIATE THE CONVERSATION WITH A ONE TRACK MIND You get stuck because you want your spouse/partner to validate and acknowledge your experience. You want them to take ownership for their impact on you and you want them to be understanding and sympathetic to your feelings. However, if you lead with trying to get them to take ownership, it is likely they will push back and be defensive. If both of you are wanting to be heard at the same time, then you can get stuck in a power struggle. 3. REPRIORITIZE THE GOAL If your goal is to have more understanding and resolution, then it is important to shift the priority (from trying to be heard exclusively) to engaging in a process together. Ideally, you will both be working towards the common goal. It is almost like the adult version of sharing when you do not want to. 4. LEARN THIS NEW LANGUAGE TOGETHER Communication is a two-way process. There is a sender and a receiver. It isn't communication if the receiver can't understand the message. It would be like speaking a foreign language to someone but they cannot understand you. 5. RECOGNIZE THE WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY There is a small window of opportunity to practice this exercise. If you are too upset, you may be too defensive and triggered to be open to learning. "Do I want to find resolution?" If "yes," then proceed. If "no," then take some space. Only you can decide if you will fully participate. 6. MOTIVATION What comes first: inspiration and motivation or taking action on a task that you don't really want to do (i.e. cleaning chore or homework assignment)? People who think motivation comes first tend to procrastinate. If you wait for inspiration or motivation, it may never come. Motivation often comes after taking action. "Change is hard because people overestimate the value of what they have — and underestimate the value of what they may gain by giving that up." ~ James Belasco and Ralph Stayer 7. THIS EXERCISE IS HARD! It takes a great deal of strength to tolerate your discomfort to be present to your partner's pain, especially when your partner has an issue with you. This is part of the growing, developing, and maturing that relationship/marriage offers us. Knowing you will feel closer, more connected, intimate, and bonded will help inspire you to put forth the effort. MENTIONED: A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication Video clip from "This Is 40". Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. Be sure to check out next week's episode where we will continue this conversation of How To Clear Common Marriage Issues. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in resolving common marriage issues! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

HOW TO GET WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP These my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Dr. Corey Allen and I had a great conversation talking about Asking For What You Want & Getting It. Dr. Corey Allen is a husband, father, author, speaker, as well as a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Licensed Professional Counselor with a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. "GROWING UP" IN RELATIONSHIP: Marriage is designed to help us grown up Growth does not have to be a threat We can use experiences (good and bad) as a practice ground "Get out of the harbor" to gain more skill and mastery Dr. David Schnarch and his work for passionate marriages Intimacy & Desire book written by Dr. David Schnarch MIND MAPPING: Predicting what your partner is thinking and what they are going to do Do you allow yourself to be read? GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY: Know what you want is okay. Practice self-validation Work with your fear of asking for what you want Asking is half the battle. Our fear is usually worse than reality HOW ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP: Know what you want Give yourself permission to ask Be in the practice of asking DIFFICULT DYNAMICS WE GET INTO IN A RELATIONSHIP: Placating Complacency Subtle manipulation – we all want things a certain way Obligation Expectation MUTUAL RESPONSIBILITY: "Call it out." You can dramatically change the dynamic in the relationship How important is this to you? See varying levels of desire between partners, as merely a difference Be honest about what you want Be clear about what you want RECEIVE: Be present Breathe Try to enjoy "Let your partner do their job" SUMMARY: Figure out where you get in your own way Get out of your own way Let your partner do their job, while you do your job "Get out of the harbor" MENTIONED: Simple Marriage Sexy Marriage Radio Assume your wife is the most spontaneous, adventurous woman on the face on the planet Her job is to say, "no" to anything that she is not interested in When you do hear "no," refer back to number one- 3 Simple Rules For Fantastic Sex (For Men) Be sure to check out next week's topic, How To Clear Issues With Your Partner. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to get what you want in a relationship. I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

HOW TO OVERCOME HURT IN A RELATIONSHIP These are my Empowered Relationship podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Over the last few weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She essentially asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts, in this regard." To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. Today, I am discussing How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship. FORGIVENESS Forgiveness can seem like a vague, fluffy, and confusing term. WHAT DOES FORGIVENESS REALLY MEAN? Forgiveness is like cleaning the windshield to your heart. Often, we are walking around with resentments, grudges, and bitterness, which gets in the way of our ability to be open, present, and happy in a relationship. Arlene F. Harder writes, "To forgive another person does not mean you will forget what happened or that the person is not responsible for what he did or that you need to bring him back into your life. To forgive another doesn't even need to mean the other person knows you've forgiven him or her. To forgive another simply means you no longer allow another person's actions or words to cause you resentment, anger and pain. To forgive means you acknowledge that while you would have preferred the other person to act or speak differently, you accept that person just as he is. To not forgive another means you continue to hold onto your resentment, anger and pain over another's actions by essentially demanding the other person be someone other than who that person knew (or knows) how to be." TIME TO GRIEVE: When something upsetting happens, it is natural, healthy, and important to give yourself adequate time to feel your emotions. Usually, people take a few hours to a few days for smaller issues and up to several months for bigger grievances. At some point, you may notice your emotional process switch from feeling genuinely sad and upset to feeling resentment and bitterness. While anger can be an important part of the grieving process, there is a difference between being genuinely angry and holding a grudge. If you notice that you are harboring ill feelings towards someone, you may be letting the issue impact your life negatively. Resentments, bitterness, and grudges can overshadow your life- tainting your ability to be happy, positive, and healthy. 1. WHAT ARE YOU HOLDING ON TO? What is getting in the way of your ability to love fully or openly? What is getting in the way of your ability to feel positive and happy in your relationship? What interactions or experiences do you still have issue with? Write a list of resentments and hurts. Do you notice any themes? 2. WHAT RESENTMENTS, EXPECTATIONS, ATTACHMENTS, OR BELIEFS DO YOU HAVE ABOUT THE ISSUE? What are your take aways (i.e. beliefs)? Examples: "You shouldn't express your anger like that?" "You are too sensitive. I can bring up anything with you." "You are looking out for yourself. I don't trust you." "You care more about your way and being right. You don't really care about me." 3. WHAT DO YOU NEED IN ORDER TO MOVE FORWARD? TO BE STRONGER? Forgiveness exercise, by Arlene F. Harder. Acceptance. Boundaries. New agreements. New understanding. 4. BE OPEN TO A NEW PERSPECTIVE. By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the person in a different light. By practicing forgiveness or acceptance, you may see the situation in differently. New awareness. 5. COME TO TERMS. Release attachment. Forgive for Good. The Sunflower: On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness (Newly Expanded Paperback Edition). Accept. Let go of what no longer serves (surrender). Assume new learning and perspective If you are too focused on the past, you cannot live fully in the present. Forgiveness is a practice. You do not need to let upsetting incidents stay with you forever. You can develop more skill in dealing with hurts and resentments moving forward. I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below. Mentioned: Utilize the power of a "Do Over," Next week's topic is How To Clear Issues With Your Partner. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to overcome hurt in a relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

"What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict?" Most people can remember a time when they did or said something during a conflict that they did not feel good about. Unfortunately, it is all too easy to react and find yourself behaving unskillfully. Furthermore, we all go through the power struggle phase in relationship. While it can be a painful process, it is all a part of the development of a normal and healthy relationship. Every master was once a disaster. ~ T. Harv Eker In last week's episode, The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts, I talked about the importance of making a decision for integrity over the relationship in times of distress. On a plane, we are instructed to put on our oxygen mask first before helping anyone else (in an emergency situation). For some of us, this seems like a very counter intuitive practice, especially when you image sitting next to someone you love dearly that needs your assistance. It almost seems selfish. However, if you think a few steps down the road, you can see the wisdom. How can you protect and help the person you love if you are passed out from lack of oxygen? If you are experiencing conflict with your significant other and you notice the pattern of a downward spiral, you are not going to be of any use to the interaction by participating in the conflict dynamic. The best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship is to put on your oxygen mask – in this case, the oxygen mask is your emotional health and integrity. It may seem like you are leaving your partner high and dry, but experience and research show that very little good is going to come from continuing to engage in the same problematic patterns. We put emotional health and integrity into motion by taking action. These steps are a practice. Like any other healthy practice (i.e. eating healthy and staying physically active), we are going to love it at times and hate it at times. But all in all we know the long-term results are worth the struggle at times. We want to feel greater love, harmony, and relationship satisfaction. As with any practice, we are aiming for improvement, betterment, and progress, not perfection. 1. STOP REFEREEING. In relationship, we are so focused on the wrong doing of our partner and we react and take issue with something they did or said. We are like relationship police officers, blowing the whistle on each other and trying to write tickets to each other. In Dr. Fred Luskin's book, Forgive for Good, he talks about people having a metaphorical glove compartment full of unassigned tickets. We can't assign the tickets so they end up building up, essentially building up resentment and bitterness. 2. PLAY YOUR GAME. Focus on your part. Don't "play down". Have the right mind-set. The story we tell ourselves is critical to our effort and play. Utilize a "Do Over". If you think you can or you think you can't you are right. ~ Henry Ford. 3. BELIEVE IN THE WIN. To win is to do the best you can. A double win is when you do the best you can and your partner does the best that he/she can. Together you will work toward a mutually beneficial resolution and feel good about your progress. Believe in the benefit of doing your part. In doing the best you can, you will feel good about your behavior, effort, and process. 4. KNOW YOUR BOUNDS. Know your boundaries and limits. Set the standard. What is "in bounds" and what is "out-of-bounds" for you? 5. DON'T PLAY OUTSIDE OF BOUNDS. "Don't go for balls that are out-of-bounds." Be clear about your limits. Let your partner know about your new limit (communicate if you are setting something new into place). Do not engage or give attention to behaviors you are not okay with. Refrain, redirect, or walk away. Follow-through. Be consistent. You will prevent harm from happening. Examples of what you can say for each of the Nine Destructive Behaviors: Name calling & character attacks: "I'd like to hear you. However, if you are going to name call, I am going to leave the conversation." Criticism: "I am interested in what you have to say and what your experience is. However, I am not interested in being criticized." Silent treatment: "It seems like you are upset. I care but I am not going to chase you about it. When you are ready to talk, would you please let me know?" (No, reply.) "Okay. Please let me know when you would like to talk. I would like to hear what you are feeling." Check-in but do not give attention for silent treatments. Assuming: "Sounds like you have some ideas about what I might be thinking or feeling. Would you like to hear what I am thinking or feeling? Or Would you like to check it out with me? I'd like to tell you my experience if you would like to hear it." Trying to be right: "It seems like we are getting caught in the trap of trying to be right? I am interested in the goal of working towards a resolution together. Are you interested in that? If

Conflict is normal, natural, and a healthy part of a long-term, intimate relationship. Yet, it is all too common to get stuck in power struggles and painful conflict patterns, which can lead to negativity loops, relationship dissatisfaction, and discontent. How do you shift conflict patterns if they have been in effect for a while? How do you change the dynamic if you and your partner have been participating in unskillful or destructive behaviors? If you didn't read my article, Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid, you can find it here. Also, you can find the podcast, How To Stop The Drama, mentioned here. "The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide you're not going to stay where you are." — John Pierpont Morgan 1. RECOGNIZE THE CONFLICT PATTERN Look at your conflict history. What is the dance? What is the tendency? 2. EXPLORE OTHER OPTIONS Are there other approaches? 3. CHOOSE A DIFFERENT PATH & MAKE A DECISION When one person shifts, it shifts the whole dynamic. Shifting your priority to "right action" versus trying to resolve the issues in old ways. "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching." C. S. Lewis Integrity is doing the right thing, even when your partner is not. Commit to yourself. What do you want long-term with your partner? Honor your integrity. Have a clear conscience by doing the very best you can. Might be a solo journey for the moment. Gain self-respect. Trust yourself. You know how to handle yourself when things get tough. Trust the relationship. Foster maturity, strength, and positivity. Stay tuned for the next episode to learn how to put these principles into action. I would love to hear your thoughts about your experience with conflict in relationships. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below. Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment! If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in exploring my relationship conflict resolution tips. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review of the Empowered Relationship podcast. Please click here. Thank you!

If you have ever experienced a time when your significant other is experiencing pain or difficulty for any length of time, then you know – it is extremely challenging to stay balanced, positive, and constructive. As much as you would like to take their pain or difficulty away, you cannot make it better for them or do their work for them. All you can do is take care of your side of things and show-up in the best way possible. Here are some tips to help you be more effective: 1. HOLD SPACE FOR STRENGTH & GROWTH: Be compassionate and empathize. Offer support in ways that might be helpful. If you would like more resources on how to be supportive, then check out this podcast. If your partner is having a negative outlook, don't buy into the victim story. Hold a mindset that your partner is growing, learning, and is in process. Believe in your partner. Believe in your partner's strength and capabilities. Don't participate with the bad behavior. Set limits. See #3 "The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity."– Ulysses S. Grant 2. BE A SAFE PERSON. In relationship, partners are often very sensitive to each other's criticism, judgment, and disappointment. Even if you want to see "better behavior" from your partner, judging and criticizing will not help. (If you have issues, try address them constructively.) Try and think positive thoughts about your partner. Catch overly critical thoughts and judgments. Remember your partner is trying. Communicate with tact and kindness. Offer genuine care, regard, and consideration, when possible. 3. TAKE A STAND FOR HEALTH: Set standards for yourself. What you are willing to participate in and what you are not willing to participate in? Set limits based on things you can control. You cannot control your partner's thoughts and behaviors. You can control what interactions and dynamics you invest your time, attention, and resources into. Listener's example: Not wanting to open up a join checking account because of partner's overspending. "I would love to open up a joint checking account, AND I want to feel solid in our ability to work together financially. I want to feel trusting of our ability to be on the same page." "Would you be willing to talk about steps we can take together to get on the same page, work together, build solid foundation and trust together financially? For more on Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship, check out this podcast. My example: "I am not okay, with how things are going. Would you be willing to look for other strategies to deal with this difficultly? Get support?" 4. STRIVE FOR INDIVIDUAL BALANCE & WELLNESS: Allow yourself to be vulnerable in a healthy way. Honor your needs. Example: Need to feel nurtured – take a hot bath. Need for support. – spend time with a good friend. Be clear about your intentions and efforts with your partner. Invite your partner into something that would feel good to you. Be Specific. 5. BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION Ask your partner for time to talk more openly. Decide when and where would be a good time. Have a heart-to-heart conversation. Take the role of the listener and really seek to understand. Take time. Be patient. Be present. Follow your partner's pace of sharing. Use empathy – understanding your partner's perspective. Understand your partner's needs. 6. BE AVAILABLE FOR TRUE COMMUNICATION AGAIN Share your experience. Stay "on your side of the fence." Know your needs. What are you willing to do to contribute to your needs being met? Invite your partner into a creative discussion about how to deal with this difficult time together as a couple. "The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail."– Nelson Mandela Mentioned: Be sure and check out The Art Of Mindful Wealth Summit. Listen and learn from over 24 world-class inspiring wealth and abundance experts sharing how you can hit the reset button and live with greater meaning, purpose and fulfillment! I would love to hear your thoughts. Do you have points to add to the conversation? Please leave me a comment below. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

Last week, I started talking about the topic of How to feel more confident in Relationship. A listener asked me to talk about how to deal with social anxiety, awkwardness, and embarrassment. Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy, or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others: If you missed the first episode, where I talked about the first three points, you can find it here. FIRST THREE POINTS: 1. Be aware of your posture 2, Focus on your breath 3. Balance your thinking 4. BEFRIEND YOURSELF Be you, instead of trying to get it right (i.e. saying the "right thing" or doing the "right thing"). You are good enough. If someone doesn't want to take the time to get to know you, then you probably do not want to invest your time and energy into that relationship. You want to cultivate relationships that are reciprocal and mutual. Be genuine and honest. People will appreciate it. Exercise: Pause. Ask yourself: What do I want to do or say right now? What is natural? What is the truth? Love being you. Enjoying yourself is extremely attractive. "Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit." E.E. Cummings 5. BUILD SOCIAL SKILLS Focus on the other person. Give eye contact. Ask genuine questions. Be curious. Exercise: Before going to a social event, have a few topics or questions prepared that you are interested in or would enjoy talking about. Great article: 12 Habits of exceptionally Likable People, by Dr. Travis Bradberry 6. BETTER DESIGN Know if you are highly sensitive. You can take a self-quiz to find out. Find it here. Knowing what social activities work for you rather than trying to fit into what others like. You may prefer to go for a hike or a quiet cafe versus a loud bar or restaurant. Exercise: Plan an social activity that you would like. Or if you plan to go to an event that is more overwhelming, take breaks (i.e. step outside for some fresh air or go for a quick walk) or give yourself permission to leave early. 7. CREATE A HABIT: New habits take time to develop. Learning something new can be uncomfortable and difficult. Give yourself the space to build new patterns. Pick one of the six areas to focus on over the next 30 days. Posture Breathe Balanced Thinking Befriend Yourself Build Social Skills Better Design "Successful people have fear, successful people have doubts, and successful people have worries. They just don't let these feelings stop them." T. Harv Eker Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

Most of have felt some level of insecurity, inadequacy or lack of confidence in relationship. Here are some tips to help you feel more capable, confident, and self-assured when relating to others: BE AWARE OF YOUR BODY POSTURE: Neurochemical response to your body posture – Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy Shoulders back, chin up, or victory pose Exercise: Collapse your posture and look down and say "I feel sad." Look up and expand your chest and say "I feel sad." Exercise: Walk with confidence. Does it feel different? FOCUS ON YOUR BREATH: Diaphragm breathing Anxiety comes from anticipating the future. Be in the moment. Mindfulness. Your power is now. Use your five senses. What do I see, smell, hear, taste, and touch? Slow it down Feel your feet on the ground and feel your body to be more centered and solid. BALANCE YOUR THINKING Explore your Beliefs Negative bias: interpreting negatively, ignoring or overlooking the positive. Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think Stress Thought Record exercise Check assumptions Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life Possibility that people do care, You are interesting. You are attractive. You are lovable. In the next episode, I will offer four more ways to cultivate confidence in yourself and in relationship. Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

What is love? This may be more of a philosophical question or construct (conceptual or subjective), but we do have some information about types of love. Recently I wrote an article referencing the Triangular Theory Of Love and ancient greek words for love, before sharing my nine types of love in relationship. If you would like to read it, you can find it here. Each person will define love differently, and how you define love is ultimately up to you to decide. You may be able to expand your definition of love and your capacity for love in relationship by considering these nine types of love. These types of love do relate to the developmental stages in relationship. If you missed that article, you can check it out here. This last February, Hallmark released a video series, titled Put Your Heart To Paper for a Valentines Day campaign. They asked couples to describe their love without using the word love. It was a very touching and creative exercise. How would you describe your love for your significant other without using the word "love?' TYPES OF LOVE: 1. FONDNESS: Regard, devotion, appreciation, admiration, liking, adoring, and affection. Appreciation: "I love how you are kind, creative, and honest." Gratitude: "I feel so lucky to be with you." Value: "I respect and value you and your opinion." Admiration: "I am proud to be your significant other." 2. PLAY: Enjoyment, creativity, flirting, fun, pleasure, and enjoying activities together. Fun: "I have so much fun with you." Enjoyment: "I love being with you." "I enjoy our time together." Video mentioned (couple signing at the gas station). 3. ROMANTIC: Special connection, ideals, loving, passionate, tender, and affectionate. Special: "You mean the world to me." Ideals: "The world is perfect with you." Tender: "You are my equal." 4. SEXUAL: Desire, physical intimacy, passion, eroticism, and chemistry. Physical intimacy: "I enjoy our physical connection." Desire: "Your embrace awakens me." 5. SOULFUL: Depth of feeling and emotion, emotional intimacy, sharing, heart connection, spiritual connection, inspiration, and motivation. Inspiration: "You inspire me to be a better person." Optimism: "You remind me that everything is going to be okay." Expressing life: "I love how you are so full of life." Heart connection: "My heart is bigger because of you." Emotional intimacy: "I feel connected to you." 6. TRUST: Support, reliance, family, belonging, unconditional, loyalty, patience, and tolerance. Belonging: "You are home to me." Supportive: "You are there for me. I can count on you." 7. TOGETHERNESS: Partnership, teamwork, comradery, common goals, working together, warm fellowship, and companionship. Partnership: "I love what we create together." Companionship: "I feel so grateful to share life with you." 8. ALTRUISTIC: Selfless love, care and regard for your partner's well-being, wishing well, and benevolence. Benevolence: "I want that for you." Care for another's well-being: "Namaste" – The light in me recognizes and acknowledges the light in you. Bruce Van Horn's Life Is A Marathon 9. SELF-LOVE: Regard for one's own well-being and happiness, not being self-absorbed, but true regard and care for self. Knowing, loving, and honoring yourself. "To say 'I love you' one must know first how to say the 'I'". ~ Ayn Rand Quotes Expanding your capacity to give and receive love. Building your repertoire of love will help you grow and experience more love within your relationships. You have the opportunity to cultivate and share in love at any moment and at any time. Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

What is a "Do over?" A "do over" is having or taking the opportunity to try something a second time. Learning Curve When we are learning something new, we rarely get it right the first time. Children playing together are a great example of what is possible with a "do over." Children will commonly ask for a "do over" or freely ask to try again. Many of us have the expectation that we should know how to address challenges in relationship effectively and skillfully without ever learning or gaining experience. Almost any skill requires negotiating a learning curve. Reflective Listening Exercise Many times I am inviting couples into a reflective listening exercise, which can feel like learning a foreign language. It takes practice and repetition before people start to feel comfortable with the skill. Many times, people feel intimidated or afraid of not getting it right. More than anything, I am giving clients permission to get it wrong. The exercise has a step that allows them to check it out with their partner to see if they got it right. Their partner will correct them if they got it wrong. If you try this exercise, your partner will likely be grateful for your effort and willingness. They will probably be more gracious and generous than you might expect. Fear & Worry When we worry, we are often: anticipating a future event that seems difficult or overwhelming and don't feel confident in how to meet the challenge. One of the ineffective ways we deal with fear and worry is to avoid, but avoiding restricts our living and expression. Avoiding keeps us small, and keeps our relationship constricted. A more effective approach to dealing with fear and worry in relationship involves being willing to try something new and to increase one's skill and confidence. Developing Skill Takes Practice. Both negotiating difficult interactions in relationship and truth-telling take practice and the development of skill. Relationship dynamics can be incredibly tricky and complex. And yet, we feel we should know how to respond, without putting in the time to learn. We do not give ourselves the space and permission to practice in relationship. We are afraid of upsetting our partner, rocking the boat, or feeling inadequate. We can also feel worried about being dismissed or rejected. If you have been listening to my previous podcasts, you probably have heard me say, challenges will arise in relationship. It is the way that we dealwith the challenges that determines our relationship experience and success. If we choose to ignore the difficulty and let it go rather than circle back and address the issue, the we are missing a great opportunity. If you still have feelings about something, it still has life. The emotions are still relevant, even if they occurred in the past. Time is often not linear in the emotional realm. Have you ever received a delayed thank you card? It still feels good, even if it is late. CIRCLE BACK FOR A "DO OVER". "Do overs" give us the opportunity to practice and improve our interactions in relationship. "Do overs" help us cultivate more connection and meaning with our loved ones. Here are some tips to support your next "do over:" 1. Pay attention. When an interaction seems off or doesn't feel good, take notice. Were you uncertain of what to say, came on too strong, didn't speak up, didn't say what you meant, complained, or criticized? 2. What is true? What is true underneath the complaint, silence, or misstep? "I want…" 3. What could I have said that would have been more genuine and authentic? What would have been a more clear, truthful, and tactful way of communicating? What are some options of things you could have said that would have been more true? See what statement resonates the most. 4. Ask for a "do over". Work up the courage to ask for a "do over" and try something new. "I would like a "do over" please." 5. Capture the moment (and essence) and do it over. Be as authentic and genuine as possible. When you open and connect with what is true and meaningful, your partner will feel your sincerity and genuineness. "If I could have the opportunity to do that I again, here is what I would have said…" "Before, I wasn't sure what to say. Now, that I have some time to think about it, here is what I would liked to have said…" 6. Feel the difference. Does the "do over" seem different in any way? How do you feel communicating the best way that you can? How does your partner respond? Recognize the impact you have to deeply affect others. Honoring and valuing the shared space you are creating with your partner. Hopefully, you will find that the "do over" approach can be a powerful option to repair and correct missteps in relationship. Even more, I hope you feel the transformational connection with you partner, and that you both feel more known and deeply loved by each other. Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below. If you have a topic

In this episode, we are exploring how to deal with feelings of anger in relationship. Anger is a healthy, normal, and natural emotion. Anger is a cue. It lets us know that something is hurting us or has crossed a line. The way we deal with anger makes it destructive or constructive. Anger is often a secondary emotion. Meaning, there is a primary emotion underneath the anger, like feeling hurt or scared. Anger usually shows up when we are feeling protective or defensive. Stereotypically, men are more comfortable with anger than women. Men tend to be able to access the fight or dominant mode more easily. Women tend to avoid getting angry, as to not hurt someone's feelings. Women will tend to prioritize the relationship over expressing their anger. Louann Brizendine discussed the neurological science behind these findings in The Female Brain. Most of us do not know how to deal with anger effectively or constructively. With my clients, I sometimes ask them, "how was anger dealt with in your family growing up?" Most people say, "it wasn't." Or, some people will say, "not well." Here are some common ineffective approaches: Avoiding anger leads to more tension and build up within the relationship. Blowing up when angry can feel scary and unsafe to our partners. Passive aggression is confusing and hurtful to our partners These methods result in little resolution and can negatively impact levels of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Research shows that just venting and expressing anger is not that helpful, and that it can sometimes make us even more angry. Learning constructive ways to dealing with our anger is critical. It promotes individual health and well-being. It supports the success and intimacy within relationship. A couple will be able to experience more resolution with their conflicts, and they will become stronger, closer, and more evolved as a couple (by dealing with anger constructively). Choice point: How am I going to react or respond? How am I going to deal with this situation? How am I going to deal with my anger? SIX STEP APPROACH: 1. Recognize: How do I know I am angry? Body sensations Thoughts Reactions Read Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability 2. Identify: How upset am I? Red zone: fight, flight, or freeze 1-10 Traffic light Label or name it. "I am angry." Regulate and calm the nervous system Slow down Breathing (6-2-7) Clear thinking 3. Inquiry: Seek to understand Be curious without blame What happened? What am I really angry about? Take global anger and look for specific content. Ask yourself what does this remind me of? Or what does this bring up for me? Look at the first thing that pops in your mind. How might this be related to my current situation? 4. Self-regard: Self compassion. Empathy video Blame video 5. Need: What did I need in this situation? What is my need? Example Exploring The Feeling Of Irritability 6. Moving forward: What could I do to get my needs met in the future? What can I ask for? What boundaries do I need to set? Thank you for listening. If you have more ideas or thoughts, I would love to hear from you. Please leave me a comment below. If you missed my discussion of the Stages Of Intimacy on Bruce Van Horn's podcast, Life Is A Marathon, you can check it out here. I had a great time talking with him. If you have a topic that you would like me to discuss or a situation that you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in improving the quality of your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. In this episode, we continue exploring what contributes to the experience of feeling lonely and disconnected in relationship. If you ...

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Agreements help foster clarity, confidence, progress, and trust. Setting up a conversation for success can be the most important part of being effective. STATING & ASKING Men will often use the language, "We should ________." Women will often use the language, "Do you want to _______." Goal is to use transparent and clear language, like, "I would like _______. What do you want? CHECKING IT OUT & CLARIFYING Getting clear personally Being true and honest (not falling into the pattern of feeling obligated) Giving only what you have and being willing to say no. Getting to a win/win Using reflective listening. Here is an article that offers step-by-step guidance. BEING EXPLICIT ABOUT THE AGREEMENT Listening is not a form of an agreement Anchoring the agreement in time. For example, "Friday at 3pm let's check-in. I will plan on doing ________." This can be helpful because it is easy to get distracted, busy, and get into avoidance patterns. RENEGOTIATING, IF NEEDED You make the best agreement you can, and if something changes, you always have the opportunity to renegotiate. If you realize that you need to change some aspect of the agreement, give your partner a heads up and ask for a renewed agreement. HONOR YOUR PART If you take the time to be clear about what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do, then it will be much more likely that you can follow through and honor your word. This can increase positive feelings in the relationship as well as within yourself. Thank you so much for investing in the process of improving your relationship skills. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you!

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What are the ways you offer support when your partner is having a difficult time? While most of us will have a few answers to this question, it may be another story in the heat of the moment. Picture your partner being very upset, see what happens for you internally when you imagine this scenario. It is common to feel a sense of tightening in your body or have some type of reaction or concern. You don't want you partner to feel bad - you want to help, but you might not know how. What do you do? In this episode, I discuss six ways to offer support. These can be options for you to consider the next time, your partner is having a difficult time and is wanting your support. Throughout this episode, I offer suggestions, examples, and tips. At the end of the day, I want to encourage you to ask your partner what would feel most helpful. 1. Listening: Offering your undivided attention and focus. 2. Emotional Attunement: Verbally or nonverbally staying connected with what your partner is expressing. Staying present. Short animated video about empathy (with Brene Brown) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw Reflective listening practice/article http://drjessicahiggins.com/effective-communication-tool/ 3. Offering Feedback: If your partner is interested in your feedback, offering your ideas, insight, or suggestions, with the intention to help. Video mentioned https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg John Gray's book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus Platinum Rule article http://drjessicahiggins.com/new-ways-loving/ 4. Challenge: Offering a different perspective or different way of looking at the situation that relates to your partner's bigger vision or value. Being curious and wondering (with love). 5. Encouragement: Offering reassurance and affirmation to your partner. Letting your partner know they can do it. Believing in your partner, and seeing the strength in them. Dr. Peter Pearson & Dr. Ellyn Bader. 6. Physical Presence: Offering physical affection and comfort (i.e. high-five, hug, pat on the back). I hope you are able to give some of these suggestions a try, and I would love to hear your thoughts. If you have a question that you would like me to answer, please leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! ❤

Many times we know we need to take action, but we don't know what step to take. Or we feel that change needs to occur, but we feel too overwhelmed to take a step. Here are some steps to consider that may help you feel more clear and inspired to take that first step. In this Episode, I offer a 5 step process for how to take action if you are feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure. 1. BE OPEN TO POSSIBILITIES: What if I let go of my attachment to things being a particular way? Ask yourself, what would (my idea of what I want - my example "going snowboarding") __________ allow me to feel? This will help you get in touch will your underlying desire or need (my example - "going snowboarding would allow me to feel the outdoors and experiencing fun and play." Stages of Change (5 steps that people take when making a change - which comes from research from working with people with addictions. However, the model is relevant for people attempting to create change and/or break habits) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transtheoretical_model http://psychcentral.com/lib/stages-of-change/000265 "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer." Albert Einstein 2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY: When we have a need, want, or desire, we take ownership for it. When we realize we are not happy with something, If we are not liking our experience, we have choice in the matter. We decide who, where, and when we participate in a dynamic with someone else. It is up to us to be responsible and create the change we are desiring. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment What is your number one complaint (in relationship)? (example - "being criticized) I am unconsciously committed to __________ (your complaint). (example - "I am unconsciously committed to being criticized.") I am now consciously committed to _____________ (the opposite for your complaint). (example - " I am now consciously committed to being accepted.") 3. DECIDE: Making a commitment. Not just considering the step or option, but really deciding - "I am going to do this." Deciding involves action - we are going to do something. Considering is thinking about the possibility of taking action. Trusting that more opportunity and/or information will become available by taking the first step. Our responsibility is to take the step that we can take. Empowered to do something about it (disengage, ask for what you want, advocate for yourself) Definite - staying firm in your decision 4. ONE SMALL STEP: Trusting that support will be available. Not worrying about the whole picture. If it probable or possible. Focus on the part you do know. Break it down. What step can I take? What is my next move? 5. THINK LONG TERM: Pain or discomfort that I have associated with the thing we are not doing (examples - avoiding someone, or not eating sugar What is the long-term cost of continuing to __________? (example - avoiding calling my grandmother. Distance, hurt) What is the long-term benefit of ______________? (example calling grandmother. Long-term benefit: I would feel closer and connected to her. We would have a better relationship.) Redirect your focus from the immediate discomfort to the long-term cost or long-term benefit as a motivator and action. I would love to hear from you, if you have a comment. You can leave me a voice message here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! ❤

If you have ever felt confused in your relationship, this episode offers a 5 step process to gain more clarity. This process will help if you are feeling confused about a small issue or if you are feeling confused about a bigger concern in your relationship. Over the many years of working with clients with relationship concerns, especially with my individual clients, they often express feeling confused about how to resolve concerns in their relationship and even feel confused about whether they should continue in the relationship. More often than not, clients get stuck in this confused place - going back and forth - for weeks or even sometimes years. Usually, this confusion is an attempt to avoid dealing with the real genuine feelings underlying the concern. Here are 5 steps to consider: 1. Create the Space: Take time and give yourself permission to feel, drop in to your experience. Take an honest heartfelt look at your experience. 2. Feel your Feelings: Allow yourself to feel. Be open and real with yourself. Notice and follow the lead of your emotion. An emotion usually has a beginning, middle, and an end. If you allow the process to flow, you will usually get to a place of understanding, learning, and/or insight. 3. Encourage the Process: Stay with the process. If you identify a feeling, stay curious. Ask yourself, "Is there more?" or "Tell me more." Have inquiry and wonder about your experience, "What is not working?" and "What am I wanting?" 4. Support: Be gentle with yourself. Set aside the critical voice. It's okay to feel uncomfortable, afraid, and vulnerable. Consider what would be supportive for you (i.e. time in nature, alone time, taking a bath, time with a friend). Trust there will be good that comes from the process. 5. Learning: As mentioned in #2, if you stay with the process, with a curious and present approach, you will probably get to a new awareness, understanding, or perspective. This will offer you a learning of some sort and possibly a next step. You do not have to figure out or be responsible for knowing how to work it all out. The goal is to know more about yourself and your underlying needs or desires. I would love to hear from you. Please let me know if you have any questions. You can leave me a voice message, by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review, if you would be willing to click here. Thank you. ❤