Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

GUEST DR. KEITH WITT Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his six Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. In this episode, Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about the "shadow' and the interface between the known and the unknown (and the shadow and conscious awareness). He also helps us understand how we can increase our awareness, so that we can work with our shadow more constructively to expand our capacity for living and loving. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to gain access to the full conversation, points, and examples.) SOME OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES AND POINTS BY DR. KEITH WITT: Our nervous systems are exquisitely tuned to approval and disapproval and exquisitely tuned to being accepted and not accepted. We actually mark our own develop when we look at how our emotions, feelings, impulses, and judgments change as we grow throughout our lives. They change first at a conscious level, but then they work their way into our unconscious level. Bringing this awareness with acceptance and caring intent to that interface between you and me, between what is known and not known, accelerates development. It accelerates intimacy, if we do it between each other, and it accelerates my own intimacy with myself (my own development), if I do it internally. You can't deny instincts. What you have to do with instincts is give them a more progressive form of expression. You can't push them down. With couples, when you feel one of those primitive instincts coming up and you can be aware of it, if it is not in shadow and unknown – you can bring it into the light of awareness, then you can give yourself and your partner a better option. Noticing these instincts and giving ourselves a better option is one of the ways that we establish and maintain intimacy. We make up stories about each other, which could be negative or positive stories. These stories inform our feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Our negative stories tend to be routinely distorted. Awareness regulates. Modern couplehood (like marriage) is the most demanding relationship in the world. Being aware of your facial expression and tone of voice is an incredibly powerful yoga. Being safe in modern society involves trusting compassionate understanding and being suspicious of any kind of understanding that isn't compassionate understanding. We have that capacity for violence, when we feel threatened, and the more we understand it and are aware of it, the more we can transmute that into assertive action rather than aggressive action…into creating love rather than creating divisiveness. MENTIONED: Dr. Keith Witt (website) Shadow Light: Illuminations at the Edge of Darkness (book) ERP 050: Exploring Love & Consciousness with Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 093: How the "Shadow" Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship with Dr. Keith Witt [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with fear, doubt, and old programing as she develops intimacy in relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A NEW PATTERN: 1. Recognize your pain point and old pattern, and when you feel triggered (i.e. "I don't feel like you believe me." "I work hard to get you to validate my perspective."). 2. Slow down. Show up for yourself. Make a choice to try something new (i.e. "I am not going to hustle like I am used to doing. I am going to try a new way of dealing with this trigger or pain point.") 3. Give yourself the support you need to have a new pattern (i.e. "What I am feeling makes sense. It is real and true."). 4. Accept what your partner has to give in that moment. It may not be what you want, but struggling with them to give you what you want will probably not work. If they are open, you can help them understand you better and they may be able empathize and soften. However, they ultimately have a choice in how they show up for you. (Ideally, you and your partner will want to work together to understand each other better, to help take care of each other, and to relate in ways that feel good to you both. This takes time and process.). 5. Believe in your worthiness, your values, and the type of relationship you desire. You get to choose what you invest your time, energy, and effort into. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 092: How To Get Unstuck From Old Patterns When Cultivating A Love Relationship [Transcript] Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

FIRST LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I often listen to your podcast and try to learn from it as much as possible. Your podcast has provided me an ample amount of knowledge and made me flexible to various aspects of being in a relationship. Thank you. I came across a girl on a matrimony website and we have seen each other only 3 times in past 9 months of knowing each other as we stay in different states. The last meet we had was to talk about our trust issues by building our communication skills and whether she still wanted to continue seeing me. It was good for a week after our talk but then she went back to ignoring my texts and phone calls. I understand that she is busy with 3 jobs (1 full-time and 2 part-time including her accounting business) but without getting acknowledged for my texts or calls for days, sometimes weeks or none reply at all; I feel agitated building tension between us. I don't know how to tackle this situation as I want to give her space but feel that I might lose her if not in frequent touch. Your help is highly appreciated." SECOND LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm pretty new to your podcasts, but they're currently helping me through a pretty confusing and difficult time. I'm in a wonderful relationship with a man whom is everything I would want on paper. I actually wrote out a list of all the character traits I would want in a man a few months before we started dating– he checks off all of them! The problem is that lately we've grown into this odd dynamic that I don't really know how to explain. This relationship started as the most supportive, loving, healthy relationship that I've ever been in. However, lately it feels forced and inauthentic. We have had a few hiccups with some health problems. We've also had some "discussions" (never really arguments) about his friends, who were initially not welcoming to me at all and still make me feel very uncomfortable on most occasions with crass behavior and crude comments about pretty much everything. However, my boyfriend has never engaged in or encouraged this behavior– at least not around me or to my knowledge! Although we interact very healthily– and if anyone saw us from the outside they would likely say we are the "perfect couple"– there's this unnameable tension that exists and makes me feel more and more disconnected with him every day. I'm worried that maybe I chose to be in a relationship with him for the wrong reasons (the logical side of my brain tends to rule my decisions), and now am paying the price. Before I go , I just want to say thanks for providing a wonderful show that's helping me to get more in touch with my own feelings and take control of my desires and needs in my relationship." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 6 WAYS TO DEAL THE TENDENCY TO "TRY HARDER"IN RELATIONSHIP 1. Be aware of compromising yourself and your values. It can be easy to justify and rationalize behaviors that don't work for you (i.e. you are doing or that your partner is doing). Think about what is most important to you, and then try to prioritize that value. If you undermine yourself or your values, you will likely feel bad about yourself and/or your situation. Your integrity is important for the health of your relationship long-term. "I love myself more." 2. Find balance. Be careful to not reach too far beyond yourself. You want your partner to meet you. You don't want to convince, persuade, or manipulate them into being with you. You want to strive for mutual giving and receiving, as well as reciprocal effort. When the balance is off-center, it can lead to weird dynamics and games (i.e. power issues, commitment issues, resentment and hurt feelings). 3. Allow space for your partner to be in. Allow your partner to choose you. Give your partner room to step towards you. You want your partner to want to be with you… to be engaged and invested. If you consistently do more of the work, you might not really trust they are with you. You might not believe they will have your back, when you need them. 4. Honor your cues. Listen to your inner signs and signals; don't ignore them. You may hear your intuition speak to you. You may notice physical symptoms (i.e. tightness in the throat, clenched stomach, etc.) Slow down. Breathe. Own your experience. If you are not honest, it can lead to withholding and resentment, as well as unhelpful expectations and projections. It may be helpful to wonder: What do you feel when you are around your partner? Are you scared? Feeling pressure? Feeling anxious? Are you afraid of getting rejected? Not being good enough? What do you do when these feelings come up for you? Acknowledging your experience will help you see more clearly. 5. Be honest about what your partner is showing you and telling you. Yes, we project on our partners. We have a story about them. Be careful to not hold to your story more than being open to what your partner is showing you. Wh

LOVE LANGUAGES To learn more about Love Languages; a description of each Love Language, and how to determine you and your partner's Love Language, check out the first part of this conversation on ERP 089. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) CAN YOUR LOVE LANGUAGES CHANGE? Depending on your life circumstances, you may become more attracted to a different love language, and your love language may change. For example, let's say your love language has been "words of affirmation." Then, you become a new parent, and your desire for "acts of service" grows, thus making your new primary love language "acts of service." Another example of a love language changing would be a husband looses his job and is feeling a lack of confidence and is feeling insecure. During this time, he may value "words of affirmation" more than his previous love language of "physical touch." CRITICISMS OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES There are a few criticisms of the Love Language theory. Here are a few: They are too general and vague, and it doesn't account for the psychology and complexities at play. The love languages are not based in academic or research-based findings. Gary Chapman is a Christian counselor and he brings his theology into the later portions of his book, which may be off-putting for some people. The Love Languages can be used to justify codependent tendencies. For example, you need your partner to provide love in a particular way and you view your partner as your only source of love. Another challenging dynamic is that of keeping tabs; "I'll scratch your back, if you scratch mine." In this case, partner's give with strings attached or with an expectation of reciprocation. The love languages can be a great tool to help you express love and care to your partner. If you truly understand their position and experience, then you will be more likely to want to help and support them to feel loved. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CAN BE USED TO CREATE A POSITIVE CYCLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Giving and receiving love and affection in ways that matter most (ways that resonate deeply and authentically) will help nurture and strengthen your connection with your partner. Love languages can be used to lift each other up, especially when delivered with a positive attitude. Using your partner's love language will help build a spirit of generosity within your relationship. Within a positive cycle, you and your partner will be more motivated to continuously help each other. You can communicate explicitly. For example, "I am wanting to help you feel cared about and special. Here is one way I am thinking about doing this… Would that work for you?" When you give even just a little in the way of your partner's love language, it will go a long way for them. HOW LOVE LANGUAGES CONTRIBUTE TO NEGATIVE CYCLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP When partner's lack of awareness, understanding or interest in the love languages, it can lead to miscommunications and misunderstandings. When love is not communicated (felt or received in a relationship), individuals can feel hurt, angry, and resentful. Love languages can be used to tear someone down (see examples below). Partner's can unknowingly criticize each other's love language, which can be even more painful (i.e. gifts are just materialistic). When partner's experiences a lack of love in their language, or a rejection of their love language, they will often feel unimportant, unworthy, and unloved, Here are some examples: Words of affirmation: Harsh words or tone of voice can be particular painful for someone with this love language. Just as positive words will lift your partner up, negative comments will tear them down. Physical touch: Going long periods of time without physical connection could lead your partner to feeling unloved and discouraged. If you do not make any effort to reach out to touch them, they may feel hurt and unimportant to you. Inappropriate or hurtful touch, like poking, prodding in a antagonizing way will be more upsetting for someone with this love language. Act of Service: Not following through with something you said you were going to do will result to feelings of hurt, disappointment, and upset. They will most likely feel as though you don't really care when it comes down to it, especially when they hear words and see no action. Quality time: When one partner is frequently distracted or preoccupied, their partner can feel as though they don't matter. They may have thoughts like "their phone is more important than I am. Or cleaning the house is more of a priority than I am." In times of distress, ignoring or stonewalling can be immensely painful for someone with this love language. Gifts: Overlooking gifts and thinking they are unimportant will often lead to feelings of hurt, upset, and pain for your partner. They may conclude that you don't care or that you didn't consider them. USING LOVE LANGUAGES FOR THE HOLIDAYS Expectations:

WHAT ARE LOVE LANGUAGES?: Love languages are a tool to help us understand how we each give and receive love differently. This is particularly important to know if you are in a long-term intimate relationship because, most likely, you and your partner have different primary love languages. Which means you and your partner could be trying to express love to one another, but could be completely missing each other. This can be extremely frustrating and lead to feelings of disappointment, loneliness, and disconnect. The love languages give us 5 basic categories of how love is generally expressed and received (felt). If you want to communicate your love with your partner, it will be helpful to know what language they typically use. Similarly, if you want to feel loved by your partner, it will be important to know what matters most to you (i.e. what ways help you feel loved). In 1996, Gary Chapman wrote "The Five Love Languages." Since then, his categorization of love has been highly recognized in popular self-help literature. He has written several additions helping people apply the 5 Love Languages to other relationships (i.e. parenting and professional relationship, etc.). (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) WHAT ARE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES?: 1. Words of Affirmation: Words are used to express love, care, and regard. People with this primary love language are deeply moved by statements of affection, acknowledgment, and encouragement. They want to hear you say you love them, or what they mean to you. Examples: "You look great!" "I love how you make me laugh." "You mean the world to me." 2. Physical Touch: Physical affection is used to display love, appreciation, and meaning. For people with this primary love language, physical, appropriate touch is a powerful way to feel and communicate love. It is almost as if touching is a way to transmit love. Examples: Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return with a hug or kiss. Snuggling or sitting close while watching a movie. Touch on the back or arm, when walking by. Love making. 3. Acts of Service: Acts of service are any actions done with someone in mind. Most often they are service-oriented actions intended to support or help, so that their partner may feel cared for, thought about, and loved. People with this primary love language often feel that "actions speak louder than words." Words and gestures will not help them feel loved, if there is no action to support the sentiment. Examples: Cooking a meal. Taking care of chore (i.e. cleaning up the house, getting the car serviced and cleaned). Running an errand (i.e. picking up the dry cleaning). Taking action on a project. 4. Quality Time: Giving someone your undivided attention, focus, and presence demonstrates how much they matter, how special they are to you, and how much you love and care for them. People with this love language feel loved, cared for, and important when prioritized in your schedule to receive valuable quality time with you. Examples: Schedule time to be together. Minimizing distractions (i.e. tv. Phones, tablets, computers, etc.). Attending to one another in an activity that allows you to focus on the other person. Sharing a meal together. Doing an activity together. 5. Gifts: Tangible objects are used as symbols of love, affection, and regard. Physical representation of I am thinking about you and I love you. People with this primary love language feel especially loved and cared about because of the thought and effort that goes into the gift. It is not about the money spent. It is about the attitude involved. Examples: Framed photo. Personalized memento. Picked up your favorite drink. Bought something that I think you would like (i.e. pleasure item, luxury item, need item, or fun item). HOW TO DETERMINE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER'S LOVE LANGUAGE: Typically, people have a top one or two love language. The highest ranking love language is the number one way people feel loved, cared for, and valued. Usually, the thing we give most often indicates our primary love language. Notice in yourself: What do you typically give to your partner? What is most natural and easiest way to give love? When you think about expressing love to your partner, what is the first thing you think about? Think about what is more important to you by comparing the love languages together. For example, would you feel more loved and cared about if someone went out of their way to buy you a nice gift or if they spent ample time with you giving you their attention and warmth? Observe in your Partner: What does your partner typically give to you? How do they express care, regard, and love to others? What do they complain about not getting in relationship with you or others? What do they request the most? SIGNS THAT YOUR PARTNER SPEAKS THIS LOVE LANGUAGE: 1. Words of Affirmation: They are good at expressing their feelings and how mu

HOLIDAY, DREAD, AND BLUES The season for "holiday cheer" can also be a season for stress, anxiety and angst. We tend to put a lot of expectations on ourselves and it can be difficult to manage these at times. Managing our stress and expectations can especially difficult when we are feeling down, lonely, or challenged. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Here are some things that contribute to the holiday stress and blues: Unrealistic expectations of self (i.e. amount of time you have to give). Unrealistic expectations of others (i.e. quality, loving family time). Comparing yourself to others and feeling inadequate. Previous painful memories associated with the holidays. Recent loss of a loved one or hardship (i.e. loss of job). Denying feelings of loneliness, grief, or anger. Isolating or feeling not good enough to share in festivities. Being away from family and friends (i.e. unable to travel). Evaluating your life negatively (i.e. not meeting certain goals, disappointments from the year). Challenges with difficult family dynamics. When people feel stressed, they often resort to bad habits, such as drinking too much alcohol or caffeine, eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, spending too much, not getting enough exercise, and not getting adequate sleep. 5 WAYS TO COPE WITH HOLIDAY STRESS, DREAD, AND BLUES 1. Slow Down Breath and get centered in the moment. Your life is happening now, not tomorrow or two weeks from now. If you are preoccupied with the past or the future, then you are disconnected from life and all that is available to you. Shut out the noise (i.e. limit exposure to advertisements). Have discernment about what you let into your world (i.e. frenetic shopping mall). Don't overbook yourself. Say "no" to an invitation if it feels like it will be too much. It may hurt a little to disappointment someone you care about. Set your own pace. You get to decide how fast or slow you move through your day. Prioritize your well-being. 2. Connect Acknowledge your feelings and connect with yourself first. Be real about what you are feeling, what you need, and what you desire. If you are feeling sadness or grief about a recent loss, it is okay to take time to cry and be sad. Honor what is true for you. Reach out to others. Even if you feel lonely or isolated, find opportunities to be social and/or join in community. Even if you do not feel up for it, you may get a lot of value from connecting with others and feeling companionship. Look for moments to be present with another person. It is surprising how looking at someone in the eyes and giving them a smile can brighten your day. Get involved with a good cause and volunteer your time or talent. Making a difference in someone's life can be a great way to lift your spirits. Also, you may build some new connections and friendships by volunteering. Practice acceptance with difficult family members. You may wish circumstances where different, you may wish a family member was different, or you may wish your relationship was better, but can you accept things the way they are for the moment. You may receive a great sense of grace in accepting someone or something, even if it is not what you would like or prefer. Connection is not always in the beauty and joy; it is often in the pain and vulnerability as well. 3. Be You & Do You Be honest and real. You do not have to live up to some ideal or perfectionist expectation. You may be in a different phase in life, where the traditional holiday festivities don't resonate or appeal to you. Do what you would love. Give yourself the freedom to do what feels good and meaningful to you. Do something different from what you have done in the past. Change it up. Create a new family tradition or try something new this year (i.e. "Gifts from the heart," share photos and videos with family). 4. Take Care Be gentle with yourself. It can be easy to focus on your imperfections and mistakes, as you want to be at your best this time of year. However, thinking negatively about yourself will only bring you down. Try to offer understanding and encouragement to yourself. You will feel better and make better decisions. Cut out activities that drain you (i.e. turn on music instead of watching TV). Plan ahead and give yourself a budget and a schedule you can stick to. Make a point to schedule quality time with someone who adds to your life in a positive way. Get out and play. Laugh. Try to do something that brings you joy. 5. Take a breather. Take breaks throughout the day to clear your mind and reconnect with yourself. You will feel more refreshed and centered as you accomplish your tasks. Build in time for restoration and relaxation. This will help you combat the cumulative effect of stress. Be mindful and intentional about incorporating above tips (i.e. slow down, connect, be you and do you, take care). You can choose how you move through this season. Care for

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he's also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it's really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this." If you missed part one to this conversation, please check out episode ERP 086. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) HERE ARE 6 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 3. CREATE A PLAN As soon as possible, sit down together and look at your budget. Be honest about what the loss of the income will mean for your family. Look at where you can scale back for the moment (i.e. cleaning service, laundry service, personal trainer, massage, dining out funds, premium TV, etc.). Develop a plan together. Working together will help prevent uncertainty, assumptions, and expectations. Having a plan together could offer a sense of support and closeness as a couple. Re-evaluate your family responsibilities. Check out these two podcast episodes ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) & ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2 4. OFFER SUPPORT: Check out this podcast episode ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention) Some of the common ways to offer support are; Listening, Empathy, Encouragement, Challenge, Feedback, and Physical presence. 5. ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS: Notice how you feel towards your partner. Ask for what you need. Share with him. Let him support you. Let him show up for you. Don't make it all about him. Set limits and boundaries for yourself. Take time to fill your own cup (i.e. time with friends, exercise, etc.). Check out this podcast episode ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas. 6. RECRUIT OUTSIDE SUPPORT: Even though it may be vulnerable to connect with friends and family at this time, let them offer support in ways that they can. Utilize local groups. Hire a professional (i.e. coach, therapist, etc). Get into nature. 7. GET CREATIVE: Look for activities that do not cost money, so that you will have ideas to pull from when you want to do something together. Host a potluck one evening. Go on a bike ride or a hike. Many big-city zoos and museums have occasional "free" days. Give each other foot or neck massages. Search online for no-cost date ideas. Make time for each other that is nurturing and loving. Volunteer together. 8. HAVE AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET: Focus on what you do have instead of what you do not have. Take about highlights from the day or week. Share gratitudes. Find things to appreciate about one another. Focus your attention on to the present moment. Use your breath as an abundance exercise. "A proactive and positive mindset will differentiate you from the masses, making all the difference in how "lucky" you get in an unlucky economy. It will even determine whether you one day look back on this time with some measure of gratitude for what you gained from it—whether it was the chance to re-evaluate your life, spend extra time with your family, teach your kids about budgeting, or to simply re-affirm what matters most." By Margie Warrell From "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" MENTIONED: ERP 063: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) (podcast) ERP 064: How To keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part 2 (podcast) ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas. (podcast) ERP 003: 6 Ways To Be Supportive (When Your Partner Wants Your Attention) "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" By Margie Warrell (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION "I sought out your podcast a few days ago and have found it very helpful for the difficult situation my relationship is currently in. My partner lost his job a couple months ago due to downsizing at his company. Since then he's also lost a lot of confidence, reignited many insecurities, become extremely negative about everything related to job searching, been unmotivated. Meanwhile, I work hard 40 hours a week so it's really hard for me to remain positive and supportive. I would love to hear an episode that could speak to this." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Getting laid off or let go from a job can be an extremely upsetting event. HERE ARE SOME THINGS TO CONSIDER AS YOU NAVIGATE THIS CHALLENGING TIME: EGO BLOW: Losing a job can: Shake one's identity and self-definition. Who am I? Put one's self-worth into question. What is my value? Trigger old feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. ""At this point, I'm so terrified of rejection, I don't know how to go back out there and try again." As a multitasking, very verbal woman, I often inundate Dan with ideas of thisses or thats—the things he could do to get a job. And I frequently get silence in return. I've come to realize, finally, that it's not that he doesn't want to try my ideas. Instead, the problem is that Dan's wound is deep enough that it might take awhile to heal." By Caitlin Shetterly From "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" UPSET & LOSS: Often, there is a natural grieving period (i.e. shock, resentment, sadness). People's process will range from a few weeks to several months. Losing a job can put serious mental and emotional strain on someone (i.e. depressive symptoms). People can feel embarrassed, ashamed, and humiliated, especially when facing loved ones, family, and friends. Losing a job may bring up feelings of failure, vulnerability, and anxiety, ""I love you; I just don't love myself that much right now." Your husband might be telling you this already. Only it might come out like, "May I make you a sandwich to take to work with you?"" By Caitlin Shetterly From "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" INCREASE OF STRESS: Stress is real. It is important to pay attention to the stress impact. When one person is going through a really difficult time, it often puts stress on the relationship. Stress can magnify or amplify relationship tensions or issues. Check out these two podcast episodes on the impact of stress. ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship & ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two "But whether the reason you lost your job has everything to do with your perceived performance, or absolutely nothing, it's how you respond in the wake of it that will set you apart from others when it comes to finding a new job." By Margie Warrell From "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" HERE ARE 2 (OF 8) TIPS ON HOW TO HANDLE THE STRESS, SUPPORT YOUR PARTNER, AND SUPPORT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS DIFFICULT TIME: 1. LISTEN Be silent with him. Allow him to talk and "empty the cup." If you give him time, space, and interest, he will reveal more. Be patient. Empathize, if you can. Feel with him. Even when communication is hard, it is important to keep the lines open. 2 BELIEVE: Don't buy into his negative story. See his strengths, resources, and capabilities, even if he can't. Encourage him when the time is right. Attempt to have a balance between validating and hearing him (and the hardship) and believing in him (he can get through this). One of the hardest things to do is to believe in the process when it looks like a mess. Recognize the negative basis. MENTIONED: ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two "Bouncing Back from Job Loss: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Job Hunters" By Margie Warrell (article) "6 Things Your Unemployed Husband Might Never Say Out Loud" By Caitlin Shetterly (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 086: How To Handle The Stress From Your Partner's Lost Job – Part One [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "After searching the web for answers and finding nothing closely related to the situation at hand in our family, I thought perhaps you could provide some great insight on the issue. I have four adult children, one son (32), 3 daughters (26, 25, 25). The issue is the following and involves only my daughters and their boyfriends; Ever since my daughters have begun dating as young adult women, their relationships have become so complex and sometimes broken with the added element of having boyfriends in the picture. What happens is that the boyfriends tend to get involved in sister to sister conversations, events, disagreements, and it compounds the issue and affects the whole family dynamic, especially affects their sister to sister relationship, trust, and loyalty. When the girls were little or even teenagers, they were protective of each other, took care of each other, and had a lot of fun family times. Now, with the boyfriends in the picture, it is seemingly tearing their relationships apart with distrust and disrespect and creating distance between them as sisters. My girls sometimes come to me individually with complaints and ask for my opinion/ insight but as hard as I try to be impartial and objective, my input has not been fruitful. I am hoping you could provide some suggestions. As a Latino family, we tend to be very tight-knit versus individualistic. My daughters' boyfriends are Caucasian AND their families tend to be more individualistic, where their family involvement in the relationship has not been that much of an issue. Not sure if the cultural element is actually that significant or not, just thought I would mention it. It is hard for me to believe that I could not find any information on this topic on the web as I don't think this dynamic is highly unusual. I am hoping that you can provide some suggestions on this topic as I highly respect the wise and insightful advice that you offer on your podcasts. Please help! Thank you, Concerned mother" (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Given the recent U.S. presidential election, I find it so interesting that this topic was scheduled for today. It is fair to say, Americans are pretty divided and feeling a whole range of emotions this week. Cultural differences affect us nationally, globally, and personally. HERE ARE SOME TIPS TO NAVIGATE CULTURAL DIFFERENCES MORE SKILLFULLY: 1. EVALUATE THE APPROACH Sometimes, we need to evolve our systems. This happens when we need to incorporate new factors or the old system is no longer working. One of the benefits of tradition is that it provides a sense of structure, stability, and consistency. Differences or diversity often provide more dimension and fullness, yet it can take more intention and collaboration to work through the complexities to get there. It can be helpful to evaluate what is currently working about the approach, and what is currently not working. This evaluation and openness to questioning can bring up a lot of emotion (i.e. grief, fear of the unknown, etc.). More diversity can be stressful. In Dana I. Nixon's paper, "The Relationship Experience of Latina/o-White Couples," she discusses how interenthic couples endure more stress due to the of lack of family and social support. She also notes how interenthic couples have to explain and justify their reasons for wanting to be together, whereas monoethnic couples do not. When the traditional path does not work anymore, it requires us to take more ownership of a new path. 2. ENGAGE IN COLLABORATION Intention: Before engaging and addressing differences with loved ones, it is super important to be clear on your intention. Are you coming from a place of love and wanting to cultivate connection or are you wanting to be right, by trying to influence, convince, and persuade? Are you interested in understanding their perspective? Are you curious about their thinking, feelings, and experience? Do you truly respect and honor their position? Are you willing to see value in their approach? Are you open to being patient, understanding that the process make take more time than you would like? Understanding: Human developmental stages. Young adulthood is the stage of "intimacy versus isolation." Differentiation is a normal and important part of coming into adulthood (i.e. seeing yourself as different than your parents). Racial identity development: Ferdman and Gallegos Model of Latino Identity Development 1. White Identified – Individuals identify as white and the view, values and beliefs as such 2. Undifferentiated/denial – Individuals claim a color-blind mentality and race is not important 3. Latino as other – Individuals who hold no stake in a subgroup, often cause by the uncertainty of his or her heritage 4. Subgroup-Indentified – Individuals have strong identification with specific subgroup within the Latino culture, belief that all other subgroups are s

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you. 2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires. 3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working. 4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner. 5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, "Is it me or is it you?" ERP 084: RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS NOT WORKING, "IS IT ME OR IS IT YOU?" By Dr. Jessica HigginsPosted in - Podcast0 Comments Audio Player 00:00 00:00 Use Up/Down Arrow keys to increase or decrease volume. Podcast: Play in new window | Download | Embed Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Android | RSS LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore her struggles with developing the type of relationship that she ultimately desires. We talk about self-doubt, fear of intimacy, and relationship dreams. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear the conversation and examples to describe these points.) 5 TIPS FOR DEVELOPING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FIT: 1. Know what is important to you. 2. Honor and trust your values, needs, and desires. 3. Identify when the relationship fit is not working. 4. Be in the experience and practice of creating safety and engagement with your partner. 5. Look at your own capacity for intimacy. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 084: Relationship Dynamics Not Working, "Is it me or is it you?" Thank you! I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: CHRISTIANE PELMAS Christiane Pelmas has been in private practice as a psychotherapist since 1993. While most concerned with the connection between the human soul and the soul of The World, as inspired by the likes of Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, James Hillman and Clarissa Pinkola Estes, her work includes theory and practice from Ecopsychology, Somatics and Wilderness Therapy. She works with couples and individuals at key threshold crossings, and enjoys the initiations which accompany acute life moments. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: What you are expecting from your partner and your relationship? Do you want your partner and relationship to fulfill your every need? There is so much pressure on couples to "do it all" within their nuclear family. It is almost impossible to expect the dyad to be and do everything alone (i.e. two careers, child rearing, house holding, wealth building, mind-blowing sex, etc.). With the stress and expectations on our relationships to fulfilling our every need, we tend to blame and point the finger at our partner when we get let down or disappointed. When we are in a vibrant community (an active, truth-telling community of women and men) we ask less unrealistic things from our intimate partners. Just the right amount of unknown and just the right amount of uncertainty, within a foundation of security and mutual well-being, is necessary in order for us to maintain the dynamism in our partnerships. Both men and women benefit greatly from friendships within their sisterhood or brotherhood communities. When these connections are honest, authentic, meaningful, they help us heal, feel nourished, and be resourced. Intentionally creating healthy community is a form of activism. Couples who are supported by community are much more resilient, playful, curious, respectful and healthy within their relationships. MENTIONED: The ReWilding (Christian Pelmas' website) Women's Wisdom: Card Deck and Guidebook (book & cards) The Good Men Project (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 083: How Vibrant Community Helps Support Healthy Relationship With Christiane Pelmas If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I have recently discovered your podcast and have listened to a couple episodes. I appreciate your insight in many relationship scenarios. I was hoping that you can dedicate an episode or part of an episode to long distance dating and how to sustain it. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year, and we live one state apart. We seem to have an issue with communication, in that he doesn't like talking on the phone that often and he has 2 jobs so he doesn't have much time to give me. I wouldn't call myself a talkative person, but i do love one-on-one talks and just building a deeper connection. It doesn't seem like he is interested in that, and I feel im taking over the conversation most of the time. I have laid it out clearly that I need consistency and communication in a relationship. Dr. Higgins, is there anything you can speak on regarding what is needed in a long distance relationship and what may be signs that it may not work out." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) Long distance relationships are tricky. Partners have to endure the discomfort and pain of not being in each other physical presence, missing out on being together, holding each other, and sleeping together. Many people avoid or refuse to engage in long-distance relationships as it is not for the faint of heart. They require a more energy, effort, and commitment on the front end. However, if you have found someone special and you want to develop the relationship (despite the distance), then you will want to learn how to be more skillful, flexible, and creative. The good news is long-distance relationships can offer some great benefits. They allow you to build a solid foundation, as well as: Have more time to build emotional intimacy. Be more clear and explicit about your needs, desires, and expectations. Have to work through insecurities. so that you can develop more trust in one another. Be less likely to lose yourself, as you will be more likely to keep your independent endeavors, friends, and interests. Feel stronger as a couple having gotten through the challenge of a long-distance relationship. 1. HAVE AN END GOAL IN MIND Set a date when you will be ultimately be together. Know your level of commitment. What are you going to do when things get hard or when you start having doubts? Think about the long-term goal. Stay connected to the relationship payoff and reward, so that the investment will feel worth it. 2. PRACTICE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMUNICATION Develop explicit communication skills. Clear the air when you feel upset. Talk about your experience. Be honest and open about your expectations, needs, desires. Be slow to judge. In a long-distance relationship, there will be a lot of room for misunderstandings and assumptions. Plan ahead together. Have fun dates and trips to look forward to. 3. BE FLEXIBILITY Try different modes of communication: Video conferencing, sending photos, videos, and memes. Be open to connecting when both people are available. It is okay to not talk everyday, as this allows time and space for desire to grow. Rules can drain the flow and natural excitement. Be aware of each other's schedules and stress. Don't keep score: "Believe me, after three years of long distance I've come to realize that sometimes you have to go the extra mile. My girlfriend texts me 100 times more than I text her, I visit her 10 times more often than she visits me, she makes the effort to call me or write me way more than I do for her. But we don't keep score. We each do what we are able to make this work." Submitted by StevenH92 4. DEEPEN YOUR EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Ask deeper questions of one another (see articles below for ideas) – What would constitute a perfect day for you? – If you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be? – Is there something that you've dreamt of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it? – What is the one thing that makes you feel alive? Craft the type of relationship you desire together (i.e. how do you deal with conflict? How do you deal with anger?) Read a personal growth book together. Take the Empowered Relationship Course. 5. HAVE FUN & BE CREATIVE Read a novel or short story together. Play a game together. For example, play "Would You Rather?"… like would you rather be able to breathe underwater or fly? Would you rather know secrets of the past or be able to tell the future? Watch a show together. Take a walk together. Send care packages. "I sent my husband a sapphire ring of mine that he would carry around everywhere, and he sent me t-shirts that smelled of him that I could wear at night so it was like I was getting a cuddle from him. There's something soothing about having something physical that they've touched in your hands." Submitted by Danni Little 6. CREATE SPACE FOR SEXY TIME Phone sex. I get this is probably not your first choice, but it is better

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER In this episode, I offer live coaching to help a listener explore what happens for her when she experiences an opportunity for love and connection and she "shuts down." She shares about her desire for love and authentic relationship, as well as her fear of being "too much." Listen to the episode to hear her process and the take aways (that I am sure we can all relate to): How to get out of our heads, and into our hearts. Being "heady" gives us a false senses of protection, in that it actually works against us. How to slow down, breathe, and notice. How to honor our desire, interest, and emotion. How to trust our selves. How to deal with fear of rejection. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 081: How To Deal With Fear When Opening Up To Love Thank you! I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. .

Today, I am sharing with you the second part of my story, where I faced my fears. If you missed the first part of the story, please listen to ERP 079: A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness first. Please listen to the episode to hear my story. I would love to hear your feedback. Please comment below. Thank you! MENTIONED: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way (Laser coaching podcast with a listener) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 080: Finding Family Part II If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

When writing the show notes for last week's podcast episode, "ERP 078: How To Honor The Darkness," I realized it might be helpful for me to share a more poignant example of a time in my life where I faced my shadow in a significant way. Please listen to the episode to hear my story. "Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had. In doing so, in choosing such a challenging partner and working to give them what they need, we chart a course for our own growth." ~ Modern Family "Clean Out Your Junk Drawer" "The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek." — Joseph Campbell MENTIONED: The Lion King (Disney) Click (Wikipedia) Modern Family: Clean Out Your Junk Drawer (episode description) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP: 079 A Personal Sharing Of My Honoring The Darkness If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or you would like to be on the show, please contact me here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACKNOWLEDGING OUR SHADOW Last week, I took a yoga class, where the instructor talked about honoring our shadow. She spoke about the fact that we all have parts of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. We tend to focus our attention on positive aspirations, sensations, and feelings…like being happy, joyful, and in love. It is not as easy to look at our shadow. WHAT IS OUR SHADOW Put simply, our shadow is our blind spots and the parts of ourselves that we do not want to look at. Our shadow contains our fears, insecurities, and unresolved pain. Have you ever been super upset by something really small and not known why? Chances are you had a good reason for being so upset, but the reason for your strong reaction lies just below the surface of your awareness, within your shadow. Maybe the event triggered a deep, unacknowledged fear or maybe the event reminded you of a past wound that is still tender and raw. FACING OUR SHADOW CAN BE PAINFUL To live fully, it is important to acknowledge the full range of the human experience. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the past few days, I have been putting the magnifying glass to my own shadow. It has been an incredibly rich experience. At times, I have laughed at my own immaturity, impatience, and reactivity. At other times, I have gotten in touch with some important emotion I have been wanting to avoid. (Please listen to the podcast episode to hear my examples, stories, and tips.) Honoring my shadow is not a new concept, as I have been in the study and field of psychology for over 22 years. Throughout my professional development, I have studied how to work with the shadow. Throughout personal development, I have gone through many phases of deep inner work and facing issues I had never looked at before. Each time I was confronted with some opportunity to heal a part of my experience. As I embarked on the personal work, I felt uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. Yet, I have ALWAYS gained something tremendously positive out of the experience. I have never regretted the process, time, or energy spent on my inner work. On this show, there are many times that I talk about and try to illuminate the learning and growth opportunities within relationship intimacy. I try to point out the benefits and value of doing the relationship work. However, I don't always talk about how hard it can feel to face your pain. THE NATURE OF ROMANCE VERSUS THE NATURE OF INTIMACY We all want the experience of love, to be loved and to love fully. Most of us strive to develop a meaningful, lasting, loving relationship. Yet, we get mesmerize by romance and epitomize the warm, fuzzy feelings as the ultimate state of love. We don't know what to do when we are confronted with painful feelings in relationship. When we don't have a framework or a paradigm for how to hold the pain, so we feel extremely threatened and try to push the pain away in various ways. For example, "What is wrong with him, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. He doesn't love me. She doesn't care. I can't do this. It will never work." We don't have a roadmap for the development of authentic intimacy. We do not know that intimacy brings out our shadow…our insecurities, fears, and inadequacies, so that we can heal and become more whole. It is almost as if love brings our pain to the surface to transform it…like a purification process. To love someone fully, all parts of their being….in full acceptance and compassion for their humanness, it a powerful experience. We have moments or glimpses of this profound experience of love, yet we get stuck and caught in our own pain and we loose our way. WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS? Often, we are so busy proving that we are good people and demonstrating our likability that we deny our darkness and shadow. We try to distance ourselves from the pain. We pretend our pain doesn't exist. We ignore, judge, avoid, and resist. Somehow, we think this will make the pain go away. We might get some short-term relief, but when pain goes unaddressed it will keep reoccurring. When we don't deal with our shadow, we tend to project and blame others. We don't want to take responsibility for our own discomfort, so we make it about other people. We also will get triggered more easily. When we are moving through life in reaction mode, we have no real understanding of our experience. It is just an impulsive reaction, and there is no depth or learning happening. Example: "You are lazy in the bedroom." Versus "It is uncomfortable for me to share what really feels good to me." In my couple coaching program, I give you the support and the tools to deal with projection and triggers, so that you don't stay stuck in the same negative patterns over and over again. It is humbling to connect with our pain. This week, I have been paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings. Can you notice and name some of your uncomfortable feelings? Grief: Jealousy: Anxiety: Sadness: Anger: Fear: 1. VALUE THE

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy? separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he's a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play "victim of life". I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He's SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he's proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he's serious about something he'll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he'll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i'm being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 1. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. He can love you fully, but it doesn't mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn't mean he wants to be responsible in partnership. He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship. He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership. Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating. 2. VALUES & VISION What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship? What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship? What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life? Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision? 3. HONOR YOUR HEART What would you love in relationship? What really matters to you in relationship? How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)? 4. GET CURIOUS Can you gather more information? Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn't honest with you or lies? It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get. However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship. 5. START SMALL Get clear and explicit about your agreements. Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand. Make the agreement doable. Start small. MENTIONED: ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast episode) The 5 Love Languages (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER Please listen to the episode to hear the whole coaching session. MAIN POINTS 1. You can't change your partner. 2. You CAN work with your partner, if they are willing. 3. By having a different conversation (exploring a new way of dealing with conflict), you will gather more information (i.e. Is your partner interested, are they able, are they willing). 4. Don't make agreements that you cannot keep, even if it means disappointing your partner. 5. Develop a new system for dealing with upset (i.e. how do we approach each other, how we deal with pain, upset, and disappointment). How do we both get our needs met when there is a conflict? Developing a new dynamic together takes time and support. There are a lot of reasons why we gravitate towards certain tendencies and patterns. This is where relationship coaching can be really effective. MENTIONED: How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship & Why What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Before listening to this episode, check out ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part One. "Up to 98 percent of American adults report feeling some form of stress on a regular basis." writes Laura Newcomer in "Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship?" In part one to the podcast topic, I layout for you: What is stress? Damage of stress. Stress inventory. Stress curve. Signs and symptoms of stress. I also give you the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) See part one for a description on the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. Be sure and listen to the podcast episode for stories, examples, and more suggestions. 2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND 3. LEARN TO RESET & REFUEL (INDIVIDUALLY & AS A COUPLE) Olympic athletes have to actively manage their stress levels, so that they can be in their peak performance zone. You want to know what works for you. Exercise. Social support. Deep breathing. Mindfulness mediation. Rest & sleep. "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." – John Lubbock Nature. Getting creative. Listening to music. Positive or balanced thinking. Quiet time. Journal. "The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities). No matter how well you function in everyday life, all the skills in the world may go to hell in a hand-basket when stressed out." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D 4. HAVE A STRESS PROTOCOL Be on the same team. Develop a plan for when life gets stressful. Scale back, say no, take on less, do less. Keep things simple. Give yourself space to reevaluate and renegotiate. List ideas for each area in your stress protocol: Emotionally: Example: "It seems like you might be under a lot of stress. What can I do that will help you feel that I got your back? Physically: Example: "I need a little more sleep." "I know you like a little more quiet time." Mentally: Offer help reframing and keeping things perspective. Example: "Can I help point out things you may be overlooking about the situation? Can I remind you of some of your strengths here?" Relationally: Example: "I know we are both stressed. Can we talk about our expectations for this coming week?" 5. ENCOURAGE HEALTH Have your partner's back. Try to support your partner way of dealing with stress (even if it is different from your way of dealing with stress). Use your stress protocol to bring your stress levels down and initiate de-stress strategies with your partner. Offer care, support, and understanding to yourself and your partner. 6. PRIORITIZE YOUR CONNECTION Prioritize time with partner. Find ways to rejuvenate and nurture each other (however small). Trade foot massages or neck massages. Go for a nice walk together. Go soak in a hot tub together. Laugh together. Play together. Be creative. Do something different. Think about the long-term result. What is the long-term cost of not connecting in a years time? What is the long-term benefit of connecting in a years time? "The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~ Sydney J. Harris MENTIONED: Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship Part II If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

WHAT IS STRESS? Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster: Stress is "a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation" and "tend to alter an existent equilibrium." DAMAGE OF STRESS Stress is a common part of our lives, yet it is easy for us to undermine its impact on our well-being and our relationships. In fact, many of us become numb to the symptoms and warning signs of stress. However, when we ignore our symptoms and signs of stress, we remove our opportunity to reduce stress effectively. Furthermore, stress has a tendency to produce more stress. Have you ever been around someone who is extremely stressed? Stress almost feels contiguous. When partners are both negatively affected by stress, it can have a serious impact on the relationship. Stressed out couples argue more, turn away from each other more, feel more disconnected, frustrated, and angry with one another. Couples experiencing stress also find it difficult to relax and enjoy each other, as well as seeing each other in a positive light. LONG-TERM STRESS If stress is unchecked, couples may end up dealing with bigger problems down the road. There are many consequences to the long-term experience of disconnection, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, conflict, and negativity (i.e. depression, anxiety, divorce). "Relationships exposed to high stress for a long amount of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual's relationship skills. During such times, we are more likely to see the relationship as being negative, not realizing the impact the stress is having in the validity of our evaluation — it colors our perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and people's positive relationship skills can once again — and usually do — take over." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D STRESS INVENTORY: Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale STRESS CURVE: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS: Emotionally: Apprehension or feeling anxious More irritable or getting upset more easily Social withdrawal and/or loneliness Restless and worrying Anger and/or sadness (smiling and laughing less) Feeling insecure or more fearful Dissatisfaction Physically: Fatigue and lack of energy Muscle tension and unable to relax Shortened or shallow breathing Headache & dizziness Stomach ache Sleep problems Weight gain or loss Low sexual desire Increase in substance use (i.e. sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc.) Mentally: Inability to concentrate or focus (i.e. more preoccupied) Confusion Forgetful and/or daydreaming Decrease in productivity, creativity, and/or curiosity Burnout Negative thinking Guilt "When under increased stress, we feel perceived slights, for instance, by our significant other more acutely." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. "One study that followed 80 couples over four years found that those who experienced more stress outside of their relationship reported feeling less comfortable and less close with their partner. They also felt less sure of the relationship than folks who experienced less stress." by Laura Newcomer Relationally: Shorter fuse, less patience, Focus on pain and negativity More likely to have a stronger reaction Not available for connection Kill libido Communication does downhill Lack of listening More judgement and tendency to blame Feel attraction towards other people: "Research shows we're more likely to feel attracted to other people when feeling taxed. Anxiety can make us fantasize about being with a different partner and pay less positive attention to the one we already have." by Laura Newcomer In the field of psychology, it is a common understanding that people tend to regress when under stress. People's level of functioning and skilfulness is lowered. "Ability alone, as the researchers note, does not ensure that you'll be able to respond appropriately in your relationship. In may be necessary but not sufficient to have good relationship skills, because you may not be able to draw upon those skills when under increased stress. The researchers also found that a person's relationship abilities — like relationships themselves — wax and wane over time. They are not these static skills that exist in some vacuum. In times of stress, this research suggests that we can't always call upon our positive relationship or communication skills — the stress can overwhelm us and our abilities." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) How do you typically respond to stress in your life? Can you look back on past stress in your life and notice patterns or common stress symptoms? How do you know when you are stressed? What are your cues (i.e. eye twitches, neck and shoulder tension, more accident prone, smile less, laugh less, more preoccupied, more perfectionist, etc.)? Ask your partner, "what do know about me when I am stressed?" How do you know when your partner is stressed? What are your partner's stress cues and signs? What happens

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I feel like I have a huge problem with my assertiveness. I am recently married and my wife and I are great together but sometimes our communication falls a little short. I would describe her as being very assertive, not scared to speak her mind or ask for what she wants, which I admire. Me on the other hand I am passive, I keep a lot of my feelings and thoughts to myself, and have a hard time expressing how I feel. I listened to two of your podcasts ERP 45 and 46 and a lot hit home for me. I don't want to be scared to rock the boat or be so overly concerned with how she is going to react if I tell her how I feel. But at the same time she isn't very inviting when I do express myself. It's like she can't understand that it is hard for me and that it takes a lot for me to actually say what I have to say. So not only do I want to become more assertive but I want to be able to not need to be reassured. I don't want to feel like I need to be congratulated for speaking up, I want to do it because I know it's what I should do because it's not fair to her or myself when I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. And I want to get out of the mindset of thinking it's weak to feel the way I feel. Because I start to resent her and it's not fair. I recognize my weakness and know what I should do to correct the issue but it is hard to always do what I should. So I just need some tips to overcome the moments of weakness so that our relationship can be at its fullest potential." MEN & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Generally speaking, being emotionally revealing goes against what feels natural and comfortable to a man. Typically, guys have a lot of programming to not be emotionally vulnerable. Many men have learned from a very early age to not express their sensitive emotion, like sadness and fear. Also, a man's brain structure is designed to accomplish, excel, and get ahead, which doesn't always prioritize emotional sharing and bonding. Men typically bond through being physical. Whereas, women bond more through emotional intimacy, sharing, and empathy. Communicating your thoughts and feelings may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as if you are learning a new skill. In fact, you are learning a new skill – how to communicate your emotions more openly and honestly. In order to support your learning process, be kind, easy, and gentle with yourself. A man's personal and emotional development is very different from a woman's, as our biological makeup and social experiences are very different. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) LISTENER'S QUESTION: Jay writes "I have been listening to your podcasts for the past couple weeks and it has helped me tremendously in opening up my mind to different views in my relationship and how I can communicate better with my partner. Currently we are going to couples therapy and we are each seeing our own therapist as well. This is the first month seeing my therapist and my fiancé and I have only gone to 2 sessions together so far. In these sessions I have learned a lot about my poor communication skills (I hold onto my feelings and don't express them) and learn more about myself and the relationship but I don't feel like it's enough. I am still not able to talk with my partner openly about my feelings and through therapy I've discovered that I am scared of confrontation. I avoid it at all costs and it's hurting my relationship tremendously. Normally it's not till after my fiancé confronts me about my behavior do I realize my poor actions and apologize, but lately I have been able to recognize my behavior and confront her shortly after our argument to resolve the issue. The second and bigger problem is that my bad behavior is becoming repetitive and it's getting hard for me to express myself to her after we have a 2-4 hour argument. I shut down, and start tuning her out because it's the same arguments and the same things are being said. Our therapists have said that this process takes time and requires patience. I understand that change requires time, but her impatience with me and long drawn out explanations are exhausting her and me, both mentally and physically. The worst part is if our argument happens early in the day it ruins her entire day and she can't focus on anything but the argument. We talk about it several times through the day ( because she feels I don't understand her) and it keeps being brought up and aggravates me. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize and inform her what I will do differently next time. She also brings it up one more time right before bed, literally as we are falling asleep. This is aggravating to me because I wake up at 4am to go to work, and I need about 6 hrs of sleep minimum. I don't know how to ask for more time and patience from her and still show her that I'm improving everyday. I need to materialize my thoughts into actions and most of all I need her to also

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "My wife and I have been struggling with our 19 year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn't have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling. The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more work individually to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn't know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down. My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?" Interested in learning the 7 main reasons why relationships fail (and how to save yours)? Click on this "Instant Access" button to get your free e-book. Instant Access Be sure and listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, stories, and tips. BE OPEN TO EXPLORING Does your wife want to revisit her original struggles or has she left the relationship? If she has left the relationship, I would have an honest conversation with her about what she wants moving forward. This does not mean you are going to agree with her or that you will move into action right away. But it does invite a real and honest dialogue. You cannot change her out of her experience. She may feel your respect and feel more open to you, despite the topic of conversation. If she is ambivalent about the relationship, is she willing to revisit some of her previous issues? Have you held a safe space for her to really share openly? Have you taken her perspective, understood her experience, and validated her experience? What has been missing within your relationship? What was happening before the issues first started coming up? How did you deal with it then? Is there someone else she is attracted to? If so, what is she getting from the interaction or relationship (i.e, attention, excitement, emotional validation, positivity, praise, love, etc.)? GET CONSISTENT SUPPORT It sounds like you and your wife have gotten support. For your description, it is difficult for me to tell if you felt that these professionals were a good fit. You will want to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable and emotionally safe to reveal more fully. Disclosing openly and fully takes time, as you and your wife will need to feel trust within your professional as well as trust and belief in the process. Additionally, when you are working through 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection, it can take even more time to work through layers of protection, defense, shut down, and avoidance. Avoidance is a strategy to deal with emotional threat and pain. While avoiding provides short-term relief, it does not help shift dynamics or bring connection. Counseling, therapy, and/or coaching asks partners to go against these avoiding strategies and confront their pain and difficulties. If partners are ambivalent, they may not believe there is hope and may not want to tolerate the pain to try to do the emotional and interpersonal work. I would recommend investing and committing to a therapeutic process with consistent willingness for at least 6 months. BE REALLY PRESENT Try to focus on the moment rather than getting sucked into old patterns that have kept you stuck in the past. Try to be available for a different experience with your wife. See her with new eyes. Relate to her from your most sincere and genuine place. With Respect. With Altruistic Love. Be available for contact. Eye contact. Physical contact. FIND JOY & PASSION Have you lost your sense of play and joy? What brings you excitement and pleasure? If you do know, pay attention to what peaks your interest. What books, articles, or website do you gravitate towards? Can you allow yourself to fill your cup and participate in enjoyable activities. Can you invite her along? Is she open to doing something fun together? Can you share your positivity with her? Can you do something new and different together? Or can you learn something together? You guys could take my 12 week couples program, which is full of powerful curriculum, tools, and exercises. MENTIONED: Free Ebook "7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail (and how to save yours) Instant Access TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear "I am not in love with you anymore"? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Rela

GUEST: Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. Be sure and listen to ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship – With Sarina Stone, as this episode lays the foundation for this conversation about healthy sexuality. She talks about her orientation and philosophy, which will give you more context and understanding of her perspective on sex and sexual intimacy. HEALTHY SEX & SEXUALITY In this podcast episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the importance of our beliefs about sex and sexuality, and how it affect our individual health as well as the quality of our intimate relationships. With her training in the Universal Healing Tao System, she describes the process of cultivation, cleaning, circulation, and utilization of reproductive energy. She notes that our bodies are always making energy to produce sperm, eggs, and hormones, and she explains this energy can be used for health and longevity. Now days, people are often distracted, preoccupied, and disconnected from their inner world. They have no idea what they are feeling and thinking at any given moment. Additionally, most people are not present to the patterns they are perpetuating on a continual basis. LOVE IS NUMBER ONE When it comes to sex and sexual intimacy, most people are bombarded with messages about lust and eroticism. Or they have adopted cultural norms of causal sex and one night stands. There is nothing wrong with one night stands and erotic sex. Yet, when we talk about long-term, lasting intimacy with another human being, we need to attend to one essential matter and that it LOVE. For Healthy sexuality, Sarina reminds us that Love is number one. "If there is a true loving connection between partners, then there is always an element of pleasure and connection." ~ Sarina Stone INDIVIDUAL CULTIVATION Sarina describes the importance of individual cultivation, which is cleaning out your negative belief patterns and emotional residue, so that your internal system in flowing smoothly and freely. She also discusses the importance of having a loving connection to yourself first, so that you can then enter into a deeper, more loving, intimate connection with your partner. As you develop yourself, you expand your capacity to connect with your partner. Sarina explains that every level you attain on the path of self-development, your sex is going to get better. "We will never live into the deepest connection or deepest pleasure we are capable of until we make love, trust, and connection our primary goals" ~ Sarina Stone Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Women's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) Men's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health And Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

GUEST: SARINA STONE Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. OUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS DIRECTLY IMPACT OUR PHYSICAL HEALTH. Many of us, (myself included) go through life feeling preoccupied, distracted, and overwhelmed. It is easy to overlook our inner world (i.e. what we are thinking, what we believe, what we feel, and what we sense in our body), and how it affects our overall well-being. It is easy to loose touch with ourselves. In this episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the important relationship between our thinking and emotional patterns with our physical health and relationship health. Sarina uses quantum physics, psychology, Taoism, and Medical Chi Kung to describe this direct relationship between the mind and the body. She defines: Taoism – as the way of nature (the philosophy of handling any situation in a natural way). Medical Chi Kung – as scientific energy work. OUR PERSONAL HEALTH DIRECTLY IMPACTS THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In Sarina's work, she encourages people to work on themselves. She claims that as people clear out harmful thinking and emotional patterns their health and relationships dramatically improve. "In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, one must be in a healthy relationship with themselves." ~ Sarina Stone At the end of the episode, Sarina leads us in a short exercise to learn how to bring more emotional balance to our personal experience. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Sarina Stone's Inner Smile Practice (web page) Sarina Stone's personal story on Life Changing Stories (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship With Sarina Stone If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. ..

Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott's points stuck with me. I remember thinking to myself, "why am I continuing to think about this video so much?" It was a wonderful talk, but it didn't strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples. Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire? WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? In Scott Geller's talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings 3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL 1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT? Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire? When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy. Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like. People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations. For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship. 2. WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK? Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals? Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training. Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have "problems." Or they see it as a last resort. Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully. The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice. This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success. Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship. 3. IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE OUTCOME? Is the end result worth it? Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship). If you answered "yes" to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated. CHOICE: When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated. Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples: Going to class to not fail (rather to learn). Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road). Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy). The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. "It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself." says Scott Geller. "Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider." ~ Scott Geller COMMUNITY: People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier. Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others. People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges. Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend's are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple's union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal. How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below. "We can always learn from each ot

Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength). In episode 32, Dr. Kathryn Foster talked with us about the biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship. All of these differences influence the way men and women seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy. In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Foster continues the dialogue by describing the differences between men and women's brain structure. She states women are largely motivated by empathy and are wired to discern emotion in others. Whereas men are largely motivated by valuing systems and hierarchy and are wired to actively build strategies and systems. When men and women enter into a conversation their approach and desires are often very different. She claims it is important for us to understand these differences, so that we can learn to understand and love each other more fully. Kathryn offers us some helpful direction in how to communicate more effectively with one another. She gives us specific tips and suggestions on how to work with and manage our brains, so that we can become better partners and cultivate more connection in our relationships. "The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action." ~ D. H. Lawrence These are podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. MENTIONED: ERP 032: The Naked Truth About Men And Women In Romance – With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast episode) Dr. Kathryn Foster (website) Books By Kathryn Foster, PhD (website) The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) (Amazon book link) What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men (Amazon book link) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 068: What Women Really Want… Really! With Dr. Kahtryn Foster If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHY DO WE BLAME THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? Most of the time, we are not trying to be mean or hurtful when we blame our partners. Underneath the blame are usually feelings of pain, discomfort, or insecurity, and we don't know how to deal with it. Here are two reasons why we blame in relationship: 1. It is self-protection. We want to protect our image, and we try to control how people view us. "It's not my fault. It's your fault." We want to look good, appear smart, and competent (or whatever attribute we value…kind, loving, thoughtful, etc.). 2. It is deflecting or discharging negative feelings. We don't know how to face our discomfort and painful feelings, so we put it off on others. When something bad happens, we want to assign blame. NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BLAME: Separates couples and leads to disconnection. Lowers relationship satisfaction. Reduces intimacy. Lowers self-esteem. Increases the victim role and powerlessness. Increases resentment and bitterness. HOW TO AVOID BLAMING IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. Let go of being the victim: Being in the victim role can be a difficult habit to break. It can almost feel as compelling as an addiction. It is so hard to stop the pattern. Initially, blame seems like a good strategy as it alleviates bad feelings. "If it is not my fault, then I am off the hook." However, we give away our power in the situation. If we are not responsible, we do not have the ability to create positive change. "When you blame others, you give up your power to change." Robert Anthony 2. Take healthy responsibility One of the quickest ways to get out of blame is to take 100% responsibility for your experience. This is not taking responsibility for the relationship or for your partner. By taking 100% responsibility for your experience, you create the space for your partner take 100% responsibility for their experience. 3. Face the discomfort: Taking responsibility for your experience can feel like a vulnerable process. Because you are getting real and honest. You are getting in touch with what is most true. You may feel hurt or sad. Acknowledging your feelings, fears, and worries can be uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. Here are some examples: "I feel embarrassed." "I am scared I don't matter." "I feel hurt. I am worried you don't care about me." "I feel bad. I don't feel good enough." "I am afraid of getting it wrong." "I feel so much pain when I think about letting you down." 4. Focus on the positive: By focusing on your partner's shortcomings, you may be overlooking or missing what they DO bring to you and the relationship. Speaking negatively about your partner pushes them away, where as speaking positively about your partner draws them closers. Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, tips, and stories. MENTIONED: PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION. REGISTER HERE. Brené Brown on Blame (video) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast) Arielle Ford (website) "A Story For Valentine's Day" (link to Chicken Soup For The Soul stories) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 067: Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about blame in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT*, is an evolutionary catalyst and contextual disruptor. She has been a pioneer in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving for over forty years. Katie has an international reputation as a seminar leader, training professionals from many fields in the core skills of conscious living: authenticity, response-ability and appreciation. She is the co-author of twelve books, including the best-selling Conscious Loving, At The Speed of Life and the new Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationship at Midlife and Beyond. Katie has been a successful entrepreneur for over forty years and has developed a unique coaching and leadership program that has trained hundreds of coaches in the U.S. and Europe. She co-founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the virtual Body Intelligence Summit, which will move into its third year in 2016. She has appeared on over 500 radio and television programs and traveled well over one million air miles as the ambassador for the work that she and her husband Gay Hendricks have developed. * Kathlyn earned a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and has been a Board Certified-Dance/Movement Therapist of the American Dance Therapy Association since 1975. In this episode, Kathlyn Hendricks talks with us about how criticism and blame get in the way of true intimacy in relationship. She offers perspective on the damaging cycle of criticism between partners. She gives us some important keys into shifting out of criticism. She also provides some valuable tips about how to create change in your relationship even if your partner is not on the same page. Katie helps us look at what is possible when you end criticism and blame in your relationship. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: Blame and criticism are the number one relationship killers, as they are the reason why most people leave their close relationships. Criticism creates a sense of shrinking away and distancing response in the person being criticized. Criticism erodes at the positive bond and connection in relationship. Criticism almost always comes from a fearful place: the experience of "I am scared of something, and I look over and I think it is you that is making me scared." Criticism creates a fear and adrenal cycle that keeps partner's hooked in a negative loop and prevent them from creating intimacy. The only thing to do with criticism is to stop it, by making a commitment to end criticism and blame. It is important to see criticism as a defensive move and look at the underlying experience. By committing to stop criticism and blame, partner's make room for genuine appreciation, support, and giving and receiving quality attention. In each moment, we have a choice in relationship, to either expand in learning and authenticity or close up in protection. We can't do both. Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more valuable tips, as well as how to specifically move out of a critical stance. MENTIONED: Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving 5 video series, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (videos on website) Foundation For Conscious Living (website) Hendricks (website) Hendrick's Trainings (website) Hearts In Harmony (Facebook page) PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 066: How To Move Out Of Criticism Into Love & Appreciation If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about criticism in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

5 WAYS COMPLAINING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP Here are 5 Questions to help you identify if complaining is having a negative impact on your relationship: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. IS COMPLAINING HELPFUL? Complaining is often seen as synonymous with venting. When we don't know how to create change, it is easy to want to complain as a way of getting rid of the frustration. Complaining can feel helpful in the short-term, but not in the long-term? Is anything really different after complaining? are there any new outcomes? "The problem is that today we associate the act of complaining with venting far more than we do with problem solving." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 2. IS COMPLAINING A HABIT? Complaining can be a learned experience from family and culture. Some people relate and bond through complaining. "Every time you complain, you are reinforcing that wiring and making it easier to trigger it. Do it often enough and it can become your default setting. Negative thoughts beget more negative thoughts and you can easily fall into a cycle of negative thinking and chronic complaining." By Sharmini Gana If you are being really honest with yourself, how many things do you complain about on a regular basis? Weather Traffic Work Your boss A co-worker Your kids Your spouse Money Taxes Restaurant Stressed Lack of time Busy Politics Health 3. DO YOU AVOID THE SOURCE OF THE COMPLIANT? Often, we are uncomfortable with conflict and confronting an issue with another person. We avoid going direct (i.e. filling out a survey or filing a complaint). Often, we complain to everyone expect the person that needs to hear it. "We are equally avoidant when it comes to complaints to our loved ones. We fear voicing them will only lead to an argument and resolve nothing. Instead, we reach for the phone, call our friends and vent to them instead." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. DOES COMPLAINING LEAD TO FEELING HELPLESS? When we feel helpless, it can be very hard to take action (i.e. learned helplessness – fish example) When we complain, we are often not clear and direct about what we want. When we feel helpless, we limit our thinking. Chronic complaining affects our emotional, mental, and physical health. "When we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we're powerless to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such incident won't harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and even our general mental health." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 5. HOW COMPLAINING AFFECTS OTHERS? When you complain, do people lean in, seem interested, and want to know more? Do people engage in your complaining or do they merely tolerate it? What qualities are you attracted to in others (i.e. positive, empowered, etc.) It can be easy to view someone who complains a lot with heavy emotions as a "victim" (due to the hopelessness and lack of responsibility). Complainers can also been seen as self-focused and not available for connection or relating (because they are preoccupied with their complaints). WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Consider in joining this program: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION – REGISTER HERE. 1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY Build awareness around your complaining. Track how often you complain and what about you complain about. Look at how you are participating in the thing you are complaining about. What is your role? Be honest & authentic. What are your feeling? Labeling the negative emotion reduces the intensity and impact of the emotion. What are you wanting? 2. TAKE ACTION Focus on getting a different result. Look for solutions. Where do you have power or control to create change? What you can do about it? "Think back to when you called a customer service hotline and were successful in resolving the matter, or when you voiced a complaint to your spouse and they responded with an apology and a promise to make better efforts in the future. Do you recall how pleased you were with yourself? How happy that made you in that moment? How empowered you felt?" By Guy Winch Ph.D. 3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Attend to your needs. All too often, we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tapped out. Give yourself permission to get your needs met (i.e. acknowledgment, down time). Know you are worthy and deserving. Believe in the possibility of positive results. "By addressing issues in our relationship that need attention and problem solving them together and cooperatively, we can actually strengthen our relationships and become even closer (especially if your partner learns to complain correctly as well)." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. GIVE YOUR COMPLAINING STRUCTURE Give yourself a boundary of 5 mins to vent or complain. Then, stop. Recognize and catch yourself when yo

In last weeks episode, How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part One, I discussed findings from several research studies that explore relationship dynamics between men and women when the female partner is more successful. I highly encourage you to check it out, so that you have a foundation for this weeks podcast episode. Also, I provided the first two ways to strengthen your relationship when she is the breadwinner. You can check out this podcast episode here. Here are the next 7 ways you can keep your relationship strong: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (7 OF 9): 3. Know what role money plays in your relationship. What is the importance of money to you? Cultural values and norms will often influence your perspective. What beliefs have you picked up on about money and relationship? Is making more money associated with being more important, having more power, being more valuable, having more status, etc.? What matters most to you in life? What are your top five values in life? 4. Know what you can provide. What can you provide that will be of significant value to your partner and relationship? Typically, men want to provide what matters most to their female partner. (Alison Armstrong) What do you enjoy doing? What do you care about? What are your strengths? 5. Hold value for your partner and your relationship. Do you really appreciate your partner and what they offer and contribute to the relationship? Do you hold the quality of your relationship as a high priority? What would it be like to see your partner as a teammate – seeing your relationship as a team? "We both have our place on the team and that we both feel important and that we both feel valued. And we both honor each other's contribution to the relationship " Dr. Sheri Meyers How can you value the "we" in your relationship. "In marriage, when we honor and celebrate each other, we're freed up to be the best people we can be." -Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott 6. Know how you impact your partner. How do you participate in a dynamic with your partner? If women are afraid of emasculating a man, then they will tiptoe… Creating the dynamic that he can't handle it or baby him. "The more I trust him, then the more I rely on him, and the more I appreciate and am grateful for everything that he does contribute, the more manly he feels." Dr. Sheri Meyers How do you feel loved? How do you need to be loved? How do you show your partner love and care (i.e. deep listening, appreciation, play, and gratitude)? 7. Allow space for the masculine and feminine. "Although the Breadwinning Woman may appear to be this super independent, made-of-iron, can-take-on-anything woman worthy of a cape, many of us can't wait to take off the iron costume we wear all day long and have someone care for us emotionally, physically, and sexually. Come close and I will tell you a little secret… shhh: We actually just want to be taken care of, we want to surrender, we want someone else to plan, decide, execute and control… at least some of the time. If you are a breadwinning woman, your husband better offer more than healthy competition for external accomplishments; he better offer some heart, some soul, and some you know what." Sandra Shpilberg 8. Nurture the relationship connection. Now more than ever before, we marry for love and connection rather than for status or financial reasons. Therefore, our sense of emotional connection and bond is essential in relationship. How can you cultivate warmth and closeness with your partner? How can you foster more security in your connection? 9. Focus on the relationship partnership. How well do you and your partner work together? Can you collaborate and rely on each other? Can you negotiate mutually beneficial arrangements? Can you learn from your experience together, so that you can improve your partnership dynamics? When difficulties arise in your relationship, you can work through the challenges to become stronger and closer as a couple. MENTION: Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner, David Bach (book) How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson (podcast) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) The Art of Love Series Relationship Series, 2014, "Bucking Traditional Roles in the name of love How to Navigate tensions when the woman is the breadwinner." With Alison Armstrong, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Evan Marc Katz, and Al Watts. (audio series) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 064: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part II. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on t

Are men really attracted to successful women? Does a man feel threatened or emasculated when his female partner outperforms him? Is a marriage compromised when the woman is the breadwinner? In the episode, I discuss findings from several research studies that address these questions. Please see links below to access articles and blogs (under "Mentioned"). Here are some main points: Men are attracted to female intelligence, and it is one of the strongest predictors of romantic interest. (Pincott, 2016) However, the challenge arises when men feel they are being outperformed. (Pincott, 2016) "Without realizing it, men reframe 'Wow, my partner is successful' as 'Wow, my partner is successful and I am unsuccessful.'" (Pincott, 2016) "The blow to the ego, however self-inflicted, appears to hurt how men see their relationship." (Pincott, 2016) The good news is that men can feel good, even when their female partner outperforms them, if they view the relationship itself as an emotional resource. (Pincott, 2016) Growing trend that women are the primary breadwinners in the home. (Rampell, 2013) "Couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their marriage and higher rates of divorce." (Shpilberg, 2013) Men 100% economically dependent on wives are most at risk for cheating, according to study, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. (Wallace, 2015) "'Most men don't have affairs,' says Marshall. 'But they stray when they are desperate, when they feel unheard, un-listened to. It is demeaning to say they need their ego stroked, but when you step off the primrose path – and by this I mean the usual path most go down – you need to do a lot of talking.'" (Cavendish, 2015) "If a man feels emasculated and as if he has lost his purpose in his life, he needs to ask himself some hard and difficult questions: 'who am I? What gives my life meaning?' The easy question is, 'do I fancy this other woman?' The simple answer to that is often, 'yes'." (Cavendish, 2015) 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (2 OF 9) Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what kind of life you want to create with your significant other. In regards to division of labor, gender roles (i.e. traditional), societal expectations, quality of life (i.e. work/life balance.), personal desires and preferences. 2. Know what it means to you to be a man/know what it means to you to be a woman. What makes you feel like a woman/what makes you feel like a man? What is important to you and your identity as a man/woman? Stay tuned for the next podcast episode where I offer you 7 more ways to strengthen your relationship when these tensions exist. MENTIONED: "Acting A fool: Why is female intelligence a turnoff for some men, even those who profess otherwise" By Jena Pincott (Psychology Today: June 2016) "U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner" By Catherine Rampell (article) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) "Husbands of female breadwinners most at risk for cheating, says study" By Kelly Wallace (article) "The danger of being a breadwinning wife" By Lucy Cavendish (Article) How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps By Andrew Marshall (book) Sex and the city – Speed dating (video clip) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 063: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part I. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Can you simply have a friendship when you have romantic and/or sexual potential with someone? Is it a good idea to stay friends with an ex-significant other? Having a platonic friendship with someone with whom you have romantic potential, sexual attraction, or history with can be complicated for sure. However, it is not impossible. 4 KEYS TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP (WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER): Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship. What is your intention for the friendship? What do you want to experience within the friendship? What is the purpose of the friendship? Sometimes, we maintain friendships for reasons we are not totally aware of, especially when we stay friends with an ex-significant other. For example, we want to feel needed, we want the attention, or we don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Here is an article on Psychology Today "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. 2. Be sensitive to the quality of the friendship. How does your friend treat you? Ho do you treat your friend? Do you want the same things in relationship? What kind of relationship are you developing (i.e. do you have candle lit dinners together)? Is it a mismatch (i.e. do either one of you want more than just friendship)? 3. Be honest about what you are feeling and sensing. Are you being honest with yourself about what you are getting out of the friendship? Does your friendship fulfill a need of yours? If so, what is it? If you are in a committed relationship, do you include your partner in the friendship to some degree? Would you do and say the same things with your friend, if your partner were around? Are you hiding, withholding, or omitting aspects of your friendship from your significant other? (If you are avoiding conflict or feeling fearful of your partner's reaction, you may want to get support in how to create a safe, secure connection in your relationship, while maintaining what is authentic to you. This can be difficult to negotiate at times.) 4. Be clear about your boundaries. What are you comfortable with in a friendship? What are you okay with and what are you not okay with? Relating back to point #1 "Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship." Is your behavior in alignment with your intention and purpose? Are your boundaries getting blurred? Are you behaving in ways that you feel good about? Developing a platonic friendship with someone you have potential or history with is complicated, but it is not impossible. It does require choosing a friend with similar friendship goals, as well as having some sensitivity, awareness, and ability to communicate your boundaries clearly. MENTIONED: "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. (article) How Stay Friends With An Ex (Article) How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 062 Just Friends. Is It Really Possible. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Leisa Peterson is a Business EFT expert and Wealth Coach specializing in helping people clear their fear, doubt and overwhelm to create joyful, profitable, authentic and fulfilling businesses. In this episode, Leisa talks with us about working collaboratively together, rather than working from a scarcity mindset. With collaboration, we can bring out the best in each other and achieve greatness together. Whereas when we are in "self-concern," we tend to not be as understanding and supportive with one another, and we tend to focus on scarcity and our needs not getting met. She identified several ways people feel scarcity (see below), and she shared some tips on how to move from a scarcity perspective into a more collaborative perspective, namely with awareness and self-responsibility. She also talked about the importance of compassion and forgiveness. Leisa gave us a sneak peek into her upcoming book "7 Ways We Sabotage Our Experiences As Entrepreneurs," where she talks about the different types of scarcity. Here are a few: I don't have the resources. I don't have enough time. I don't feel good enough. I have to cut corners. What I want is not possible. Leisa's insights and tips are important to any relationship dynamic and are particularly important to intimate relationships. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED: Leisa Peterson's website (website) Leisa's story about loss and forgiveness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 061: How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Monika is a licensed therapist and relationship coach promoting healthy, authentic relationships from the inside-out. She specializes in helping people change their limiting beliefs at the subconscious level, creating much deeper change than in traditional coaching methods. She works mostly with women who are in long-term relationships in crisis, to help them create their desired relationship by first changing their own default modes. Her coaching programs guide individuals through four stages of change that are required for truly authentic, empowered relationships. In this episode, Monika talks with us about essential keys to shifting your relationship approach, so that can set your relationship up for success. She talks about the "default modes" that get in the way of our ability to show up for a healthy, authentic relationship. She defined "default modes" as the habitual ways we respond to things that are based on old programming. 4 STAGES OF CHANGE: Monika talked about her approach to helping people create relationship change in their lives with these four stages. 1. Self-Awareness: Getting honest with yourself, taking ownership of your limits, desires, needs, and challenges. Really getting to know yourself. 2. Expression: Expressing yourself authentically. Gaining the tools to express who you are to another person in relationship. 3. Hold the space for your partner's expression: Receiving your partner. Getting your filters out of the way, so that you can hear who your partner is as a separate person. Separate from the past and what has already happened in your relationship. Staying present in the moment. 4. Getting into unity: Getting on the same team. Move out of the "me" versus "you" mindset and into the "we" mindset. The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. Monika shares her own story and turning point in relationship, where she chose a path of personal and relationship transformation. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED Monika Hoyt's website Free 30 minute Relationship Breakthrough session with Monika Hoyt TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 060: How To Step Up To A Healthy, Authentic Relationship With Monika Hoyt. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don't want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection." 1. Identify What Is True For You. What are your top values in life? What are your needs? What type of relationship are your wanting to create? 2. What Are Your Partner's Needs? What are your partner's top values in life? What are her needs? What type of relationship is she wanting to create? 3. Be Honest & True. Be willing to be vulnerable. Reveal what is true. 4. Surrender The Desire To Control. Be open to the unknown. Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way. Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness). 5. Just Be. Be in the moment. Be with what is true. There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I'm in relationship and it's pretty serious and I'm not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we're going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can't accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I'd like to know sooner rather than later." 6. Commit To Revealing. Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship. Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable. Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection. 7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose. As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding… Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent. Notice what is true in the moment. Share openly and honestly. 8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience Be curious. How are you contributing to this issue? Stay with the question. How are you participating in the relationship dynamic? MENTIONED: Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast) Suzanne Kilkus (website) Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

112 WEDDINGS" BY DOUG BLOCK After filming over 20 years of couples weddings, videographer and documentary film maker Doug Block, began to wonder what happened to these couples, "Are they still together? Is married life what they thought it would be? How have they navigated the inevitable ups and downs of marriage over the long haul? Are they happy?" To answer these questions, Doug tracked down 9 couples to interview. In "112 Weddings," Doug explores themes of love, commitment, and challenges, while giving us flashbacks of their wedding day. He asks all the couples: "After years of being married, what would be your advice be for a young couple soon to be married?" (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TAKEAWAYS 1. You are going to experience challenges together. Every couple talked about some hardship or difficulty that they had to face together. These challenges ranged from financial stresses, parenting and decision-making conflicts, mental illness, having a child with a life threatening illness, and having a child with learning disability. "I think there's an amazing story behind every couple's marriage. The common denominator is that they're going to face really tough challenges over time." ~ Doug Block 2. You have no idea what to expect within your marriage. "Wedding is day one. It is easy to make happy. You just throw a ton of money and liquor at it. A wedding is easy to make happy and marriage it hard to make happy." ~ Rabbi Jonathan Blake Even against our better judgement, we hope our marriage will be easy or that "happily ever after" will happen to us. Yet, a marriage is a living, breathing relationship. A marriage does not survive on it own, it takes a level of intention, attention, and investment that most of us do not know how to do proactively. Couples talked about the mistakes of putting other priorities first and taking their partner for granted. 3. When things don't go according to plan, it is easy to feel shame. Generally, we don't talk about our hardships with one another. Therefore, it is easy to think everyone else is doing well in their relationship, especially when you look at social media. We tend to privately play the comparison game. When our relationship is not going the way we want it to, it is easy to feel bad and alone. This is especially true, if we expected the relationship to be easy and blissful. We think some version of "Something is wrong with me, my partner, or us." 4. Gather resources to get you through the challenging times. As with any challenge you set-out to accomplish, you want to be as prepared as possible. If you were planning for a long, rigorous hike, you would want to wear good socks and boots, as well as prepare a pack with extra clothing layers, plenty of snacks and water, and supplies. One couple talked about marriage being like waves. "Sometimes you love your partner, and sometimes you hate them. Your marriage will go through phases." Couples talked what helped them get through the difficult times: Working together. Being able to laugh together. Remembering why I married this person. Having gratitude; Not taking my for granted. Doug Block answers the question, "What do you hope people take away from this film?": "When people tend to think about marriage, their thoughts end at the wedding. The wedding is such a big deal that they conflate marriage with weddings. The whole point of the film is that the wedding is just day one. You're going to have a long life together and the only thing that you can expect is that life will throw the unexpected at you. That's your task as a couple — facing life together and the things you can't possibly prepare for." Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 058 Beyond the wedding. What is marriage really like. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: Hello Dr. Jessica Higgins, I'm really enjoying your podcast. Thank you very much for all the insight you give us. I am interested in hearing about addiction particularly gambling addiction. My husband has been gambling for probably seven years. I discovered it about three years ago. Gambling just seems to be one of those addictions that people don't really talk about so much. He's gambling about $30 a day, so it doesn't seem like a lot, but at the end of the year it adds up. I'd really like to know how to figure out what to do about this, how I want to proceed in my relationship, and how to assess whether this is a deal breaker for me because I have a lot of issue with it. Any information you can give on the effect of gambling on relationships and how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Take An Honest Look What is the impact of your partner's behavior? Emotionally Relationally Financially Etc. 2. Identify Your Boundaries Are you enabling your partner's behavior? (see article below) Do you feel resentful, overextended, or taken for granted? Identify your boundaries. What is okay with you and what is not okay with you? What would holding a boundary allow you to feel? What are your underlying needs? How would holding a boundary help you? How would holding a boundary help your relationship? 3. Change The Rules Do not participate in old dynamics or habits. Change the way you relate with your partner. Set new limits and standards for yourself. Set boundaries that you can control. 4. Communicate With Your Partner Express concern without blame or shame. Share the impact of your partner's behavior. Share the serious nature of the concern. Rate your concern on a scale from 1 to 10. Discuss the option of getting help (i.e. therapist, counselor, Gamblers Anonymous, treatment program). Explicitly state your boundary. "Here is what I am going to do moving forward." 5. Take Action Stick with your plan. It will feel the hardest in the beginning. Be consistent. Let your partner know you are serious. You are changing the family/couple system. Get support (i.e. Gam-Anon, therapist, support group, friends, etc.). Gather new information. How does your partner respond to your new limits? Is your partner willing to get help? Are you and your partner communicating? MENTIONED: Transform Your Life Baja Cruise (cruise details and registration page) Brené Brown talking about Boundaries, Empathy, and Compassion (video) How to avoid enabling a spouse's gambling addiction (article) Stages of compulsive gambling (article) Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group (forum) AAMFT Gambling (resource) Gambling addiction (resource) How Can I Help My Husband Stop Gambling? (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 057- How to Avoid Enabling Your Spouses' Destructive Behavior. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Alison Armstrong, author, educator, and creator of the widely acclaimed "Queen's Code" workshop series, asks the question: "What if no one is misbehaving — including you?" She explores the good reasons behind the behavior of men and women such as fundamental differences in the ways we think, act and communicate. She offers simple, partnership-based, solutions to improve our communication and intimacy by honoring ourselves and others. She's known for her insight, sense of humor and ability to articulate the human experience and predicament of gender. In this episode, Alison talks with us about important points to consider if you are having difficulty syncing up with your partner sexually. She offers key explanations to the variables that are involved with being interested, available, and engaged in sex. She shares important information about our biological and emotional influences. She gives very practical suggestions to help set couples up for successful engagement with one another. Alison inspires us work in ways that support and nurture our sexual relationship. She provides very practical and effective strategies to gain more intimacy within your relationship. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED Understand Men (website) Queen's Code (website) The Queen's Code (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your sexual relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

FREE STRATEGY SESSIONS – A FEW SPACES LEFT! A Gift: A few weeks ago, I announced a complimentary strategy session (to the first 40 people) to help you learn effective strategies to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "You've done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you're the one giving it. However, what if you're on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around? My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others. Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don't get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I'm compliant, an advocate of self-improvement. Eventually, it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even. She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off." (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Trust Yourself Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom. Acknowledge your needs. Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.). 2. Ask Curious Questions Get to know her experience. Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring. What is underneath her complaint? For example, "What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?" 3. Set Limits And Boundaries Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful. Set a standard for respect. Don't participate in communication that does not feel good to you. Participate in communication that is constructive. 4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication Let her know what type of communication you are interested in. Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way. Communication your needs and desires around this topic. 5. Practice Self-Validation Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities. Appreciate what you have to offer. Validate your worthiness. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACT NOW – SPOTS ARE FILLING UP! A Gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is 5 or so minutes late, every time. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo's, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give herself (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process's earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I'm worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a "conflict" where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won't say anything. I guess I just don't know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn't. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no "confrontation" even if that means we don't talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I'm very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations always go so poorly, I end up feeling like I'm so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just "can't say anything". I'm not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest." TIPS: 1. Recognize Differences in You and Your Partner's Style and Pacing Extrovert's are typically comfortable verbally and processing aloud. Introvert's are usually more comfortable reflecting and processing internally. 2.Make Room for Your Partner. Slow down so that you can connect with your partner. Listen for the emotional tone of your partner and try to attune to them. Strive for collaboration. 3. Gain Awareness Notice opinions or judgements. What is it like for me when she is late? What would her being on time allow me to feel? What is it that I am wanting or needing? Is this something that I can accept? (This question may give you a better sense of your boundaries.) 4. Get Curious What is her experience in the morning? What does being late do for her (Is she needing more sleep? Is she needing a deadline to motivate her in the morning? Is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?) Get to know her experience more fully. 5. Work Towards Constructive Communication How can communicating feel comfortable for both of you? Practice relational communication Talk about you and your feelings rather than expressing judgments or opinions of your partner. Relational communication is very different from other types of communication that you might use at work or in other areas of your life. Get support to create a new communication patterns. MENTIONED: A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) Meetup groups and meetings (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Bridge A Communication Gap With Your Partner. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! A special gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I know that walking on eggshells is a bad thing. Because whether or not you are doing it, the issue will come up eventually, and if put off it will only be more dramatic later. I've always been such an assertive person, but lately, with my girlfriend, I've not been emotionally assertive. That frustrates my girlfriend and it makes me shame myself. So a couple of things, I know that I need to not shame myself, and I don't want to be emotionally unassertive. Like I make too many assumptions about how she 'might' react to something. Avoid Then I get caught in this terrible spiral. I don't want to burden her with my problems, so I'm walking on eggshells, and then when I finally do tell her, another issue has arisen because I have not been good about being clear with what I need and want. Like this has happened a few other times in the past when I am upset by something she's done but have not addressed the issue right away, tried to take off some of the pressure and heat from the situation by sitting on the feeling for a few days. I don't know why I do this and I don't want to do it. And then I realize that in my fear of bothering her and in my head thinking she won't want to be with me, I exacerbate the situation even more and it feeds into itself . Which sucks. My main question for you is, do you have any tips for how I can let my gf know that I am assertive, emotionally and otherwise, and how I can stop myself from shaming myself for having needs? " INITIAL THOUGHTS: Emphasizing Your Best Parts – In dating, it is common to want to show the best parts of yourself. However, if you are too preoccupied with saying and doing the right thing, you run the risk of hiding and concealing who you really are in relationship. If this continues, you don't have the opportunity to build a solid foundation for an authentic relationship. Men Revealing Emotional Needs – When it comes to revealing emotions, men sometimes have a little more difficult time sharing their inner world. Stereotypically, men are taught to be strong and independent. Therefore, it can be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar for men to discuss their emotional needs and desires proactively. Relationship Model – Thinking about who you want to be in relationship and what you want your relationship to be like can be a helpful. If you know you want to have open communication in your relationship, than you will be more motivated to broach a topic with your partner. Interdependence – Relationships involve some level of reciprocity. "The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values." ~ Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. Feeling Worthy – Being in relationship involves receiving, as well as giving. Do you feel worthy of receiving your partners love? Being Seen – Having needs and preferences, allows your partner to know you and experience you. Also, expressing your desires with your partner gives you an opportunity to see how they will show up. Giving Yourself A Chance – Not sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection is like rejecting yourself before your partner has a chance to reject you. Believe me, I understand how scary and vulnerable it is to share what is honest and real, especially when you don't know how it will be received. However, I imagine you ultimately want to be in a relationship where you are loved….not for being perfect, but for being you. TIPS: 1. Awareness: be clear about how you feel and what you want. 2. Acceptance: What if you accepted your experience as just a part of your process without blame or shame? What if you focused on being real and honest? What if it were all okay? Would you be able to have more compassion and acceptance with yourself? 3. Being Communicative: Proactively sharing with your partner (listen to episode to hear examples). Communicating with your partner creates a climate where it is safe to talk about uncomfortable and difficult topics. Together you will be building a foundation for a lasting relationship. 4. Act With Future Relationship In Mind: What kind of relationship are you wanting to build? Is the relationship reciprocal and interdependent? Is it honest and real? These types of qualities require an investment. If you focus on the long-term benefit 9of what your relationship will be like down the road), you will be more interested in putting forth the effort. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Build Emotion

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP! A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband's attachment style and my current boyfriend's attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren't met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships." ADULT ATTACHMENT RESEARCH Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby's attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973). Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of "felt security" (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969). (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) HOW TO EARN A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: 1. Gain awareness of your attachment style. 2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves…wanting to be different and feel different. 3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable. 4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it. 5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can't show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain. 6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. 7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other. Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics. "ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation." Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way. She shared three main points to her work: 1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD. 2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive. 3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner. Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment. MENTIONED Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website) ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course) The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book) The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book) Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift) Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship. "Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power…focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power." Dr. Keith Witt MENTIONED Dr. Keith Witt (website) Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link) Loving Completely (video series) The School Of Love (video series) Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website) James Masterson (wikipedia) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Jayson Gaddis – Chief relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast is the breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful, people. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure drove him into a corner where he had no where to go but face his demons. From there Jayson was determined to overcome his blocks to intimacy and self-sabotage in relationship. He spent years in therapy and self-development programs until he slowly figured this relationship stuff out. In this episode, Jayson talks with us about relationship pain and growth. He addresses three relationship types. If you and your partner have different relationship types, than this is probably causing some level of conflict and stress. This will especially be true if one of you has the growth and development type and your partner does not. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) THREE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP 1. Comfort and Security Type: Partners want to be safe. They don't want to grow. 2. Pleasure & Fun Type: Partners want to have fun. They don't want drama and challenge. 3. Growth & Development Type: Partners wants to grow and learn. Jayson also talks with us about how to skillfully address your relationship desires with your partner so that you can be on the path towards relationship growth and fulfillment. MENTIONED Jayson Gaddis (website) Jayson Gaddis' Map (opt-in) Smart Couple Podcast (itunes) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest growing and improving your relationship. I hope you are more in the know of what leads to a lasting marriage/relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

YOU SAY "NO" ALL OF THE TIME. Any time you make a choice, you say "yes" to something and "no" to something else. Even if you are not overtly saying "no", you are still choosing out of certain relationships and activities, while choosing in on others. THE DOWNSIDE OF ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER. In relationship, you will experience times when your partner wants something different from what you want. What do you do? Whatever choice you make in that moment will probably have no drastic impact. However, if you repeatedly choose to please your partner, then the cumulative effect may pose some very difficult challenges for you down the line. Most notably, you will have lost yourself. Over time, you have essentially taken yourself out of the relationship. You have left your preferences and needs on the sidelines. You will probably feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and maybe even resentful. NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY `Saying "no" or stating an opposing view to your partner can be an extremely scary and uncomfortable thing to do, especially when you are not in the practice of doing it. It feels counterintuitive but the more you can be honest and authentic, the more you will be investing in the growth of your relationship (and you). How can you have a genuine and passionate relationship when you put your needs aside and take yourself out of the relationship? KEEP THE END GOAL IN MIND Often times, the process looks messy and feels painful. However, if you can believe in the end result of a win-win, then you will be more motivated to deal with the discomfort. If you can learn to tolerate some initial discomfort, then you will be investing in your relationship and individual growth. MENTIONED Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) The Invitation (poem) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning how to say "no" in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HOW TO USE THE END OF THE YEAR AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET MORE ALIGNED With the new year approaching, it is common to anticipate making changes with new ideas and goals. Some people set new years resolutions and other people focus on setting intentions. As the year comes to a close, it can be an excellent time to reflect on the past year and review. Did you make decisions to support your values and vision for your relationship and life? WHAT YOUR CALENDAR AND SPENDING SUMMARY CAN TELL YOU If you pull out your calendar and look over the year, you will be able to see where you invested your time and energy. In a calendar year, we all have 365 days, and we have a choice in how we spend this time. If you look at your checkbook for the past year or your credit card/bank yearly summary, you will be able to see where you spent your money. Money represents value. We trade money for things we want and find valuable. Did you invest your time, energy, and money into the things that matter to you? Did you allocate resources to support your top values and vision? If not, can you be non-judgmental and accepting with yourself? Can you see this information as a source of learning? Can you seize the opportunity to improve your alignment in relationships. The more your choices match your values and vision, the happier, healthier, and more successful you will be. YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT AS A METAPHOR A client recently told me about a book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing." He described the simple philosophy of only having possessions you love and having a place for everything in your home. There are many approaches to decluttering and organizing your home. Some people believe your physical environment reflects your inner world. If your home is cluttered and chaotic, then so is your inner state. Other people believe the organization of your home creates flow, harmony, and intention into your life. Just like gardeners will weed around the plants the are growing, it can be helpful to get rid of the things in your physical space that no longer serve your values or support your vision. BEING ALIGNED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Every day you are investing in your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors. Are you thinking and behaving kindly, positively, and lovingly? Or are you being critical, judgmental, and resentful? Even your emotions contribute to a positive or a negative cycle with your partner. The way you engage and relate is either supporting your relationship values and vision or breaking them down. If you realize you are not participating in a positive cycle within your relationship, I want to encourage you to view this as an opportunity. There is probably a good reason why you are struggling to behave in ways that support your relationship goals. Some of the common reasons people have are unexpressed needs, unresolved concerns, and an inability to effectively and constructively deal with conflict. I understand it can be an incredibly painful experience to be in a relationship that does not match what you ultimately want. However, there is hope. This is a workable situation if you take action to find alignment in your relationship. I recognize this is easier said than done. However, you have resources and help. If you would like my support in addressing these concerns, please contact me at [email protected]. MENTIONED The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (book) Feng Shui (philosophy) Mary Morrissey (Coach) Jennifer Jimenez (Coach) Braveheart (movie) Clean Sweep (T.V show) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to create alignment in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week I talked about How To Gain Self-Confidence In Relationship. I discussed the positive cycle between assertiveness and self-confidence. The more you can assert yourself the more self-confident you will be. Just as the more self-confident you are the more assertive you will be. 5 REASONS WHY WE AVOID BEING ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP While we might agree with the concept of being assertive, many of us have no idea HOW to be assertive in a relationship. Here's a few reasons why: 1. We think assertiveness is synonymous with being aggressive or confrontational and we are afraid of being mean. 2. We are afraid to "rock the boat". Here is something to consider, the boat is already rocked. There is nothing you can do to hide it or make it go away. The goal here is to be honest and real about what is happening. This will allow you to bring your whole self fully to the relationship. "Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don't try to become someone else's mirror. We don't try to suppress someone else's uniqueness. We don't try to pretend that we're perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there." ~ Randy Paterson 3. We are concerned about the loss of love, connection, or attention. Everyone fears rejection. 4. Being assertive feels too stressful which can activate your sympathetic nervous system response (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response). 5. We don't know how to be assertive. We don't have any good models to emulate. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice to develop. TIPS FOR HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Check Your Beliefs Do you believe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as your partner's (not more important, but equally important)? Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity? Do you think being assertive is critical to your overall well-being, happiness, and potential? Do you think you can get your needs met without sacrificing the needs of your partner? Know You Know your limits and boundaries. Identify your emotions, desires, and preferences. Know what you want. Take Action Confront people who violate your boundaries or rights. Ask for help. Learn to say no. Practice saying "no" for an hour or a day as an experiment to see how it feels. Practice Respect Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Contribute to win-win conversations. Be honest and tactful with your loved ones. Watch Your Habits Are you overly apologetic? Do you wait for someone else to recognize your needs? Do you feel responsible for your partner's needs? Do you strive to please people all the time? PUT ASSERTIVENESS TO PRACTICE WITH THESE 4 STEPS Start small. Be specific. Be clear and honest. Be respectful. MENTIONED: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy Paterson (book) Challenge Day (website) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to be more assertive in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

For years, I have been talking with clients about the important balance between assertiveness and consideration. Many times, people are too afraid to assert themselves because they have fear of seeming mean, domineering, or controlling. Yet, if you do not assert yourself at all, it is likely you will feel unhappy with your partner and within your relationship. BALANCED ASSERTIVENESS When coaching clients I will sometimes put assertiveness on a high-to-low scale. On one end, you have someone who is high in assertiveness and low in consideration for others. They may neglect to think about others and they may appear to be self-involved and self-centered. On the other end of the scale, you have someone who is low in assertiveness and high in consideration. They may be so considerate of others' needs that they do not advocate for themselves because they feel it is inappropriate to assert their needs. Or they may be so focused on others that they don't even know what they want. Both ends of the scale are out of balance. The goal is to be both assertive and considerate in relationship. (These are my Empowered Relationship podcast notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) One of the tools that I sometimes use with couples is an assessment titled Prepare – Enrich. The test results help identify a couple's strengths and weaknesses so that the couple can work to improve and strengthen their relationship. The assessment is called Prepare – Enrich because it helps engaged couples prepare for marriage and helps married couples enrich their relationship. Here are some interesting research findings from Prepare – Enrich: KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS Prepare – Enrich identifies four key relationship dynamics that affect the success of a couple: Assertiveness – the ability to express one's feelings and ask for what one wants. Self-Confidence – how good one feels about oneself and their ability to accomplish what they want in life. Avoidance – the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly. Partner Dominance – how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner. A Positive Cycle Shows: Being assertive builds self-confidence. Being self-confident builds assertiveness. A Negative Cycle Shows: Avoidance increases the feeling or experience of partner dominance. Feeling as though your partner is dominating and controling increases avoidance. Those That Score High In Assertiveness: Score higher in self-confidence Tend to like the personality of their partner Feel good about their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in avoidance and partner dominance Those That Score High In Avoidance: Score higher in partner dominance Tend to dislike the personality of their partner Are less satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in self confidence and assertiveness If you struggle with being assertive in relationship, then chances are you may struggle with self-confidence too. I encourage you to take one step towards practicing being assertive. This step could be something small like voicing your preference for dinner. Or you may want to spend some time thinking about what you would say if you were to advocate for your needs in relationship on bigger topics. I understand this is easier said than done, especially if you have had very little support or encouragement to articulate your needs. If you would like to support in becoming more assertive in relationship, please contact me. I would be happy to help. MENTIONED Prepare – Enrich If you are interested in taking the Prepare – Enrich test for your relationship, email me at [email protected]. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to gain self-confidence in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Relationships sometimes fail or end. When they do, it's easy to doubt whether or not you are doomed to be unhappy in love. Recently, a listener submitted a question, "Is it possible to have a successful ...