Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

ACKNOWLEDGING OUR SHADOW Last week, I took a yoga class, where the instructor talked about honoring our shadow. She spoke about the fact that we all have parts of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. We tend to focus our attention on positive aspirations, sensations, and feelings…like being happy, joyful, and in love. It is not as easy to look at our shadow. WHAT IS OUR SHADOW Put simply, our shadow is our blind spots and the parts of ourselves that we do not want to look at. Our shadow contains our fears, insecurities, and unresolved pain. Have you ever been super upset by something really small and not known why? Chances are you had a good reason for being so upset, but the reason for your strong reaction lies just below the surface of your awareness, within your shadow. Maybe the event triggered a deep, unacknowledged fear or maybe the event reminded you of a past wound that is still tender and raw. FACING OUR SHADOW CAN BE PAINFUL To live fully, it is important to acknowledge the full range of the human experience. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Over the past few days, I have been putting the magnifying glass to my own shadow. It has been an incredibly rich experience. At times, I have laughed at my own immaturity, impatience, and reactivity. At other times, I have gotten in touch with some important emotion I have been wanting to avoid. (Please listen to the podcast episode to hear my examples, stories, and tips.) Honoring my shadow is not a new concept, as I have been in the study and field of psychology for over 22 years. Throughout my professional development, I have studied how to work with the shadow. Throughout personal development, I have gone through many phases of deep inner work and facing issues I had never looked at before. Each time I was confronted with some opportunity to heal a part of my experience. As I embarked on the personal work, I felt uneasy, scared, and uncomfortable. Yet, I have ALWAYS gained something tremendously positive out of the experience. I have never regretted the process, time, or energy spent on my inner work. On this show, there are many times that I talk about and try to illuminate the learning and growth opportunities within relationship intimacy. I try to point out the benefits and value of doing the relationship work. However, I don't always talk about how hard it can feel to face your pain. THE NATURE OF ROMANCE VERSUS THE NATURE OF INTIMACY We all want the experience of love, to be loved and to love fully. Most of us strive to develop a meaningful, lasting, loving relationship. Yet, we get mesmerize by romance and epitomize the warm, fuzzy feelings as the ultimate state of love. We don't know what to do when we are confronted with painful feelings in relationship. When we don't have a framework or a paradigm for how to hold the pain, so we feel extremely threatened and try to push the pain away in various ways. For example, "What is wrong with him, what is wrong with me, what is wrong with us. He doesn't love me. She doesn't care. I can't do this. It will never work." We don't have a roadmap for the development of authentic intimacy. We do not know that intimacy brings out our shadow…our insecurities, fears, and inadequacies, so that we can heal and become more whole. It is almost as if love brings our pain to the surface to transform it…like a purification process. To love someone fully, all parts of their being….in full acceptance and compassion for their humanness, it a powerful experience. We have moments or glimpses of this profound experience of love, yet we get stuck and caught in our own pain and we loose our way. WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS? Often, we are so busy proving that we are good people and demonstrating our likability that we deny our darkness and shadow. We try to distance ourselves from the pain. We pretend our pain doesn't exist. We ignore, judge, avoid, and resist. Somehow, we think this will make the pain go away. We might get some short-term relief, but when pain goes unaddressed it will keep reoccurring. When we don't deal with our shadow, we tend to project and blame others. We don't want to take responsibility for our own discomfort, so we make it about other people. We also will get triggered more easily. When we are moving through life in reaction mode, we have no real understanding of our experience. It is just an impulsive reaction, and there is no depth or learning happening. Example: "You are lazy in the bedroom." Versus "It is uncomfortable for me to share what really feels good to me." In my couple coaching program, I give you the support and the tools to deal with projection and triggers, so that you don't stay stuck in the same negative patterns over and over again. It is humbling to connect with our pain. This week, I have been paying attention to my uncomfortable feelings. Can you notice and name some of your uncomfortable feelings? Grief: Jealousy: Anxiety: Sadness: Anger: Fear: 1. VALUE THE

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I'm a single mom of a 7 y.o. Boy? separated from dad 5 yrs..bf of 2 yrs is adoring, complimentary, caring….but drinks and only works 2 days a week. I work 35-38 hrs a wk. i am motivated, he is….not. I love him..he's a good person, although has been caught in multiple small lies….he wants US sooo bad and i KNOW he wants to be good and do right but seems to unknowingly play "victim of life". I broke up with him but feel like if i am looking for someone who honestly loves me. He's SOOOOO convincing that he does. My dad is ONLY person that i KNOW loves me bc he's proved that throughout my life by BEING there and taking action and bring true to his word…if he's serious about something he'll do it…if it NEEDS to be done, he'll do it..i only have that example to base love on and i would love to hear ur educated thoughts on if i'm being too critical..if my idea of love is…..biased." (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) 1. LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH. He can love you fully, but it doesn't mean he wants the same things in relationship. And it doesn't mean he wants to be responsible in partnership. He may love you, and he may not be capable of real relationship. He may love you, and he may not be ready for real partnership. Being an adult in relationship takes a willingness to look at your own stuff, takes ownership, and requires being conscious about what you are creating. 2. VALUES & VISION What do you really want in relationship? What does he really want in relationship? What are your expectations and desires in relationship? What are his expectations and desires in relationship? What are your top values in life? What are his top values in life? Do you have a relationship vision? Does he have a relationship vision? 3. HONOR YOUR HEART What would you love in relationship? What really matters to you in relationship? How do you feel loved (i.e. 5 Love Languages)? 4. GET CURIOUS Can you gather more information? Without blame or shame, can he talk about what is going on for him? Can he tell you what is going on for him when he isn't honest with you or lies? It takes courage to hold a space of wondering, especially when you do not know if you are going to like the answers you will get. However, you ultimately want to work with what is real, as this will allow you to make progress in the cultivating a loving, lasting relationship. 5. START SMALL Get clear and explicit about your agreements. Are you both contributing to the creation of the agreement? If your partner does not buy into the agreement, it can feel like a demand. Make the agreement doable. Start small. MENTIONED: ERP 006: Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast episode) The 5 Love Languages (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 077: What Happens When Your Partner Is Not Responsible? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LASER COACHING SESSION WITH LISTENER Please listen to the episode to hear the whole coaching session. MAIN POINTS 1. You can't change your partner. 2. You CAN work with your partner, if they are willing. 3. By having a different conversation (exploring a new way of dealing with conflict), you will gather more information (i.e. Is your partner interested, are they able, are they willing). 4. Don't make agreements that you cannot keep, even if it means disappointing your partner. 5. Develop a new system for dealing with upset (i.e. how do we approach each other, how we deal with pain, upset, and disappointment). How do we both get our needs met when there is a conflict? Developing a new dynamic together takes time and support. There are a lot of reasons why we gravitate towards certain tendencies and patterns. This is where relationship coaching can be really effective. MENTIONED: How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship & Why What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 076: How To Deal With Upset In Your Relationship In A New Way Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. I would so appreciate your honest rating and review!! Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Before listening to this episode, check out ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part One. "Up to 98 percent of American adults report feeling some form of stress on a regular basis." writes Laura Newcomer in "Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship?" In part one to the podcast topic, I layout for you: What is stress? Damage of stress. Stress inventory. Stress curve. Signs and symptoms of stress. I also give you the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) See part one for a description on the first two ways to combat stress in your relationship. Be sure and listen to the podcast episode for stories, examples, and more suggestions. 2. HOLD THE BIGGER PICTURE IN MIND 3. LEARN TO RESET & REFUEL (INDIVIDUALLY & AS A COUPLE) Olympic athletes have to actively manage their stress levels, so that they can be in their peak performance zone. You want to know what works for you. Exercise. Social support. Deep breathing. Mindfulness mediation. Rest & sleep. "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." – John Lubbock Nature. Getting creative. Listening to music. Positive or balanced thinking. Quiet time. Journal. "The take-away for couples is simple — each individual needs to learn to deal with stress in positive ways outside of the relationship (through activities to minimize the buildup of stress in the first place, regular exercise, and other stress-relief activities). No matter how well you function in everyday life, all the skills in the world may go to hell in a hand-basket when stressed out." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D 4. HAVE A STRESS PROTOCOL Be on the same team. Develop a plan for when life gets stressful. Scale back, say no, take on less, do less. Keep things simple. Give yourself space to reevaluate and renegotiate. List ideas for each area in your stress protocol: Emotionally: Example: "It seems like you might be under a lot of stress. What can I do that will help you feel that I got your back? Physically: Example: "I need a little more sleep." "I know you like a little more quiet time." Mentally: Offer help reframing and keeping things perspective. Example: "Can I help point out things you may be overlooking about the situation? Can I remind you of some of your strengths here?" Relationally: Example: "I know we are both stressed. Can we talk about our expectations for this coming week?" 5. ENCOURAGE HEALTH Have your partner's back. Try to support your partner way of dealing with stress (even if it is different from your way of dealing with stress). Use your stress protocol to bring your stress levels down and initiate de-stress strategies with your partner. Offer care, support, and understanding to yourself and your partner. 6. PRIORITIZE YOUR CONNECTION Prioritize time with partner. Find ways to rejuvenate and nurture each other (however small). Trade foot massages or neck massages. Go for a nice walk together. Go soak in a hot tub together. Laugh together. Play together. Be creative. Do something different. Think about the long-term result. What is the long-term cost of not connecting in a years time? What is the long-term benefit of connecting in a years time? "The time to relax is when you don't have time for it." ~ Sydney J. Harris MENTIONED: Stress Hurts Relationship, By John M. Grohol, Psy.D Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale Is Stress Hurting Your Relationship? Here's How to Fix It, by Laura Newcomer Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship Part II If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

WHAT IS STRESS? Definition of Stress by Merriam-Webster: Stress is "a physical, chemical, or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and may be a factor in disease causation" and "tend to alter an existent equilibrium." DAMAGE OF STRESS Stress is a common part of our lives, yet it is easy for us to undermine its impact on our well-being and our relationships. In fact, many of us become numb to the symptoms and warning signs of stress. However, when we ignore our symptoms and signs of stress, we remove our opportunity to reduce stress effectively. Furthermore, stress has a tendency to produce more stress. Have you ever been around someone who is extremely stressed? Stress almost feels contiguous. When partners are both negatively affected by stress, it can have a serious impact on the relationship. Stressed out couples argue more, turn away from each other more, feel more disconnected, frustrated, and angry with one another. Couples experiencing stress also find it difficult to relax and enjoy each other, as well as seeing each other in a positive light. LONG-TERM STRESS If stress is unchecked, couples may end up dealing with bigger problems down the road. There are many consequences to the long-term experience of disconnection, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, conflict, and negativity (i.e. depression, anxiety, divorce). "Relationships exposed to high stress for a long amount of time are bound to falter, no matter how well each individual's relationship skills. During such times, we are more likely to see the relationship as being negative, not realizing the impact the stress is having in the validity of our evaluation — it colors our perception of the relationship itself. Remove the stress, and people's positive relationship skills can once again — and usually do — take over." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D STRESS INVENTORY: Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale STRESS CURVE: SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF STRESS: Emotionally: Apprehension or feeling anxious More irritable or getting upset more easily Social withdrawal and/or loneliness Restless and worrying Anger and/or sadness (smiling and laughing less) Feeling insecure or more fearful Dissatisfaction Physically: Fatigue and lack of energy Muscle tension and unable to relax Shortened or shallow breathing Headache & dizziness Stomach ache Sleep problems Weight gain or loss Low sexual desire Increase in substance use (i.e. sugar, alcohol, caffeine, etc.) Mentally: Inability to concentrate or focus (i.e. more preoccupied) Confusion Forgetful and/or daydreaming Decrease in productivity, creativity, and/or curiosity Burnout Negative thinking Guilt "When under increased stress, we feel perceived slights, for instance, by our significant other more acutely." By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. "One study that followed 80 couples over four years found that those who experienced more stress outside of their relationship reported feeling less comfortable and less close with their partner. They also felt less sure of the relationship than folks who experienced less stress." by Laura Newcomer Relationally: Shorter fuse, less patience, Focus on pain and negativity More likely to have a stronger reaction Not available for connection Kill libido Communication does downhill Lack of listening More judgement and tendency to blame Feel attraction towards other people: "Research shows we're more likely to feel attracted to other people when feeling taxed. Anxiety can make us fantasize about being with a different partner and pay less positive attention to the one we already have." by Laura Newcomer In the field of psychology, it is a common understanding that people tend to regress when under stress. People's level of functioning and skilfulness is lowered. "Ability alone, as the researchers note, does not ensure that you'll be able to respond appropriately in your relationship. In may be necessary but not sufficient to have good relationship skills, because you may not be able to draw upon those skills when under increased stress. The researchers also found that a person's relationship abilities — like relationships themselves — wax and wane over time. They are not these static skills that exist in some vacuum. In times of stress, this research suggests that we can't always call upon our positive relationship or communication skills — the stress can overwhelm us and our abilities." by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. 6 WAYS TO COMBAT STRESS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP 1. KNOW YOUR STRESS CUES (OR WARNING SIGNS) How do you typically respond to stress in your life? Can you look back on past stress in your life and notice patterns or common stress symptoms? How do you know when you are stressed? What are your cues (i.e. eye twitches, neck and shoulder tension, more accident prone, smile less, laugh less, more preoccupied, more perfectionist, etc.)? Ask your partner, "what do know about me when I am stressed?" How do you know when your partner is stressed? What are your partner's stress cues and signs? What happens

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I feel like I have a huge problem with my assertiveness. I am recently married and my wife and I are great together but sometimes our communication falls a little short. I would describe her as being very assertive, not scared to speak her mind or ask for what she wants, which I admire. Me on the other hand I am passive, I keep a lot of my feelings and thoughts to myself, and have a hard time expressing how I feel. I listened to two of your podcasts ERP 45 and 46 and a lot hit home for me. I don't want to be scared to rock the boat or be so overly concerned with how she is going to react if I tell her how I feel. But at the same time she isn't very inviting when I do express myself. It's like she can't understand that it is hard for me and that it takes a lot for me to actually say what I have to say. So not only do I want to become more assertive but I want to be able to not need to be reassured. I don't want to feel like I need to be congratulated for speaking up, I want to do it because I know it's what I should do because it's not fair to her or myself when I keep my feelings and thoughts to myself. And I want to get out of the mindset of thinking it's weak to feel the way I feel. Because I start to resent her and it's not fair. I recognize my weakness and know what I should do to correct the issue but it is hard to always do what I should. So I just need some tips to overcome the moments of weakness so that our relationship can be at its fullest potential." MEN & EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Generally speaking, being emotionally revealing goes against what feels natural and comfortable to a man. Typically, guys have a lot of programming to not be emotionally vulnerable. Many men have learned from a very early age to not express their sensitive emotion, like sadness and fear. Also, a man's brain structure is designed to accomplish, excel, and get ahead, which doesn't always prioritize emotional sharing and bonding. Men typically bond through being physical. Whereas, women bond more through emotional intimacy, sharing, and empathy. Communicating your thoughts and feelings may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as if you are learning a new skill. In fact, you are learning a new skill – how to communicate your emotions more openly and honestly. In order to support your learning process, be kind, easy, and gentle with yourself. A man's personal and emotional development is very different from a woman's, as our biological makeup and social experiences are very different. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my stories and examples to describe these points.) LISTENER'S QUESTION: Jay writes "I have been listening to your podcasts for the past couple weeks and it has helped me tremendously in opening up my mind to different views in my relationship and how I can communicate better with my partner. Currently we are going to couples therapy and we are each seeing our own therapist as well. This is the first month seeing my therapist and my fiancé and I have only gone to 2 sessions together so far. In these sessions I have learned a lot about my poor communication skills (I hold onto my feelings and don't express them) and learn more about myself and the relationship but I don't feel like it's enough. I am still not able to talk with my partner openly about my feelings and through therapy I've discovered that I am scared of confrontation. I avoid it at all costs and it's hurting my relationship tremendously. Normally it's not till after my fiancé confronts me about my behavior do I realize my poor actions and apologize, but lately I have been able to recognize my behavior and confront her shortly after our argument to resolve the issue. The second and bigger problem is that my bad behavior is becoming repetitive and it's getting hard for me to express myself to her after we have a 2-4 hour argument. I shut down, and start tuning her out because it's the same arguments and the same things are being said. Our therapists have said that this process takes time and requires patience. I understand that change requires time, but her impatience with me and long drawn out explanations are exhausting her and me, both mentally and physically. The worst part is if our argument happens early in the day it ruins her entire day and she can't focus on anything but the argument. We talk about it several times through the day ( because she feels I don't understand her) and it keeps being brought up and aggravates me. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize and inform her what I will do differently next time. She also brings it up one more time right before bed, literally as we are falling asleep. This is aggravating to me because I wake up at 4am to go to work, and I need about 6 hrs of sleep minimum. I don't know how to ask for more time and patience from her and still show her that I'm improving everyday. I need to materialize my thoughts into actions and most of all I need her to also

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "My wife and I have been struggling with our 19 year marriage. A year ago we started couples counseling and didn't have much success. We both did a little individual therapy and tried again with EFT couples counseling. The therapist told my wife she really needs to do more work individually to find out what is blocking her. From day one of couples counseling she stated that she no longer has feelings for me and she doesn't know how or if they will come back. I take that to mean romantic sexual feelings. We have not been intimate for 4 years now. She struggled with things in our marriage and shut down. My question is, what can I do to help her see me differently and help those feelings come back? Is there anything I can do?" Interested in learning the 7 main reasons why relationships fail (and how to save yours)? Click on this "Instant Access" button to get your free e-book. Instant Access Be sure and listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, stories, and tips. BE OPEN TO EXPLORING Does your wife want to revisit her original struggles or has she left the relationship? If she has left the relationship, I would have an honest conversation with her about what she wants moving forward. This does not mean you are going to agree with her or that you will move into action right away. But it does invite a real and honest dialogue. You cannot change her out of her experience. She may feel your respect and feel more open to you, despite the topic of conversation. If she is ambivalent about the relationship, is she willing to revisit some of her previous issues? Have you held a safe space for her to really share openly? Have you taken her perspective, understood her experience, and validated her experience? What has been missing within your relationship? What was happening before the issues first started coming up? How did you deal with it then? Is there someone else she is attracted to? If so, what is she getting from the interaction or relationship (i.e, attention, excitement, emotional validation, positivity, praise, love, etc.)? GET CONSISTENT SUPPORT It sounds like you and your wife have gotten support. For your description, it is difficult for me to tell if you felt that these professionals were a good fit. You will want to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable and emotionally safe to reveal more fully. Disclosing openly and fully takes time, as you and your wife will need to feel trust within your professional as well as trust and belief in the process. Additionally, when you are working through 19 years of patterns and dynamics that have resulted in disconnection, it can take even more time to work through layers of protection, defense, shut down, and avoidance. Avoidance is a strategy to deal with emotional threat and pain. While avoiding provides short-term relief, it does not help shift dynamics or bring connection. Counseling, therapy, and/or coaching asks partners to go against these avoiding strategies and confront their pain and difficulties. If partners are ambivalent, they may not believe there is hope and may not want to tolerate the pain to try to do the emotional and interpersonal work. I would recommend investing and committing to a therapeutic process with consistent willingness for at least 6 months. BE REALLY PRESENT Try to focus on the moment rather than getting sucked into old patterns that have kept you stuck in the past. Try to be available for a different experience with your wife. See her with new eyes. Relate to her from your most sincere and genuine place. With Respect. With Altruistic Love. Be available for contact. Eye contact. Physical contact. FIND JOY & PASSION Have you lost your sense of play and joy? What brings you excitement and pleasure? If you do know, pay attention to what peaks your interest. What books, articles, or website do you gravitate towards? Can you allow yourself to fill your cup and participate in enjoyable activities. Can you invite her along? Is she open to doing something fun together? Can you share your positivity with her? Can you do something new and different together? Or can you learn something together? You guys could take my 12 week couples program, which is full of powerful curriculum, tools, and exercises. MENTIONED: Free Ebook "7 Reasons Why Relationships Fail (and how to save yours) Instant Access TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 072: What Happens When You Hear "I am not in love with you anymore"? If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Rela

GUEST: Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. Be sure and listen to ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship – With Sarina Stone, as this episode lays the foundation for this conversation about healthy sexuality. She talks about her orientation and philosophy, which will give you more context and understanding of her perspective on sex and sexual intimacy. HEALTHY SEX & SEXUALITY In this podcast episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the importance of our beliefs about sex and sexuality, and how it affect our individual health as well as the quality of our intimate relationships. With her training in the Universal Healing Tao System, she describes the process of cultivation, cleaning, circulation, and utilization of reproductive energy. She notes that our bodies are always making energy to produce sperm, eggs, and hormones, and she explains this energy can be used for health and longevity. Now days, people are often distracted, preoccupied, and disconnected from their inner world. They have no idea what they are feeling and thinking at any given moment. Additionally, most people are not present to the patterns they are perpetuating on a continual basis. LOVE IS NUMBER ONE When it comes to sex and sexual intimacy, most people are bombarded with messages about lust and eroticism. Or they have adopted cultural norms of causal sex and one night stands. There is nothing wrong with one night stands and erotic sex. Yet, when we talk about long-term, lasting intimacy with another human being, we need to attend to one essential matter and that it LOVE. For Healthy sexuality, Sarina reminds us that Love is number one. "If there is a true loving connection between partners, then there is always an element of pleasure and connection." ~ Sarina Stone INDIVIDUAL CULTIVATION Sarina describes the importance of individual cultivation, which is cleaning out your negative belief patterns and emotional residue, so that your internal system in flowing smoothly and freely. She also discusses the importance of having a loving connection to yourself first, so that you can then enter into a deeper, more loving, intimate connection with your partner. As you develop yourself, you expand your capacity to connect with your partner. Sarina explains that every level you attain on the path of self-development, your sex is going to get better. "We will never live into the deepest connection or deepest pleasure we are capable of until we make love, trust, and connection our primary goals" ~ Sarina Stone Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Women's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) Men's Health Products (on Sarina Stone's website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health And Relationship If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

GUEST: SARINA STONE Sarina Stone is an internationally renowned Medical Chi Kung (Qigong) instructor, Abdominal Massage expert, Natural Health Advocate and author of eight books. After two decades of study in northern Thailand with Tao Master, Mantak Chia, Ms. Stone has developed multiple self-help tools for stress relief, conscious manifestation, physical health and longevity. Known for her light-hearted approach to health and wellness, Sarina Stone is a colorful, beloved speaker and educator across the globe. OUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS DIRECTLY IMPACT OUR PHYSICAL HEALTH. Many of us, (myself included) go through life feeling preoccupied, distracted, and overwhelmed. It is easy to overlook our inner world (i.e. what we are thinking, what we believe, what we feel, and what we sense in our body), and how it affects our overall well-being. It is easy to loose touch with ourselves. In this episode, Sarina Stone talks with us about the important relationship between our thinking and emotional patterns with our physical health and relationship health. Sarina uses quantum physics, psychology, Taoism, and Medical Chi Kung to describe this direct relationship between the mind and the body. She defines: Taoism – as the way of nature (the philosophy of handling any situation in a natural way). Medical Chi Kung – as scientific energy work. OUR PERSONAL HEALTH DIRECTLY IMPACTS THE QUALITY OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In Sarina's work, she encourages people to work on themselves. She claims that as people clear out harmful thinking and emotional patterns their health and relationships dramatically improve. "In order to have a healthy relationship with someone else, one must be in a healthy relationship with themselves." ~ Sarina Stone At the end of the episode, Sarina leads us in a short exercise to learn how to bring more emotional balance to our personal experience. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED: Sarina Stone's website (website) Sarina Stone's Inner Smile Practice (web page) Sarina Stone's personal story on Life Changing Stories (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 070: How To Gain Emotional Balance In Your Relationship With Sarina Stone If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. ..

Recently, I watched The Psychology of Self-Motivation, by Scott Geller, which is a TEDx video. Usually, when I find a piece (article, video, qoute) that I like, I post it to my social media channels and then I move on. However, Scott's points stuck with me. I remember thinking to myself, "why am I continuing to think about this video so much?" It was a wonderful talk, but it didn't strike me as a life changing video. As I pondered, I began to see how important his points are to relationships and couples. Do we feel empowered in our relationships? Do we feel self-motivated to create the relationships we desire? WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? In Scott Geller's talk, he poses three questions to help determine your level of motivation, which are based on research findings 3 QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF TO DETERMINE YOUR MOTIVATION LEVEL 1. CAN YOU DO IT? DO YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT? Do you have the time, knowledge, and skill to develop the type of relationship you desire? When you believe in your capabilities, psychologists call this self-efficacy. Most people do not have an inspiring relationship model and do not know what a healthy, authentic, thriving relationship looks like. People generally enter into relationship and marriage with a ton of expectations. For couples who are extremely stressed with meeting their basic needs (i.e. having enough money to pay for basic expenses), it is difficult to put forth the time, energy, and resources into strengthening their relationship. 2. WILL IT WORK? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PROCESS WILL WORK? Do you believe your process or behaviors will help you achieve your relationship goals? Geller explains that in order for people to be motivated to engage in a process, they need to gain knowledge and understanding of how the process might work. This often happens through education, research, theory, demonstration, and training. Unfortunately, many people still think relationship coaching or couples therapy is for people who really have "problems." Or they see it as a last resort. Yet, most people are ill equipped to navigate a lasting, intimate relationship successfully. The process of developing a lasting, healthy, authentic, and passionate relationship takes a certain level of awareness, willingness, and practice. This is why I created the Empowered Relationship Couples Program, so that you have all the information, tools, and resources you need to build a solid foundation for your relationship success. Relationship Coaching is another great way to get direction, feedback, and support in working through relationship challenges and establishing a solid foundation for your relationship. 3. IS IT WORTH IT? DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE ULTIMATE OUTCOME? Is the end result worth it? Whatever your relationship goals are will be your outcome (i.e. to have a healthy, strong, loving relationship). If you answered "yes" to these three questions, you feel more competent and more self-motivated. CHOICE: When you believe you have a sense of choice of what you are doing you feel more self-motivated. Geller stated, when he is working to get a positive consequence he feels good. Whereas, when he is working to avoid an aversive consequence, he feels controlled. He pointed out how often people are seeking to avoid pain rather than seeking pleasure. Here are a few examples: Going to class to not fail (rather to learn). Following the speed limit to not get a ticket (to contribute to safety on the road). Eating a salad instead of a burger and fries to not get fat (rather that to feel nourished and healthy). The way you view your choices has a big impact of whether or not you will feel self-motivated. "It is how you communicate with others and how you communicate to yourself." says Scott Geller. "Be mindful of the choices you have and talk about being a success seeker rather than a failure avoider." ~ Scott Geller COMMUNITY: People who perceive a sense of relatedness, a sense of connection with others, feel more motivated and are happier. Most people feel uncomfortable and are unwilling to talk about their relationship dynamics with others. People are often afraid of being perceived negatively, or they feel bad about their relationship challenges. Generally, people feel very alone and isolated with their relationship struggles and feel little support in cultivating a strong, healthy, and fulfilling relationship. In many wedding ceremonies, there is a section where family and friend's are invited into an agreement to uphold the couple's union. To remind the couple when they go through dark times of their love and commitments. This is a beautiful intention, as we need each other and the social support. Yet, in practice, most people think offering feedback on the topic of intimate relationship is off limits and too personal. How do we build a sense of community? How do we support each other and lift each other up? I want to hear from you. Please comment below. "We can always learn from each ot

Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength). In episode 32, Dr. Kathryn Foster talked with us about the biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship. All of these differences influence the way men and women seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy. In this episode, Dr. Kathryn Foster continues the dialogue by describing the differences between men and women's brain structure. She states women are largely motivated by empathy and are wired to discern emotion in others. Whereas men are largely motivated by valuing systems and hierarchy and are wired to actively build strategies and systems. When men and women enter into a conversation their approach and desires are often very different. She claims it is important for us to understand these differences, so that we can learn to understand and love each other more fully. Kathryn offers us some helpful direction in how to communicate more effectively with one another. She gives us specific tips and suggestions on how to work with and manage our brains, so that we can become better partners and cultivate more connection in our relationships. "The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action." ~ D. H. Lawrence These are podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. MENTIONED: ERP 032: The Naked Truth About Men And Women In Romance – With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast episode) Dr. Kathryn Foster (website) Books By Kathryn Foster, PhD (website) The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) (Amazon book link) What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men (Amazon book link) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 068: What Women Really Want… Really! With Dr. Kahtryn Foster If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHY DO WE BLAME THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? Most of the time, we are not trying to be mean or hurtful when we blame our partners. Underneath the blame are usually feelings of pain, discomfort, or insecurity, and we don't know how to deal with it. Here are two reasons why we blame in relationship: 1. It is self-protection. We want to protect our image, and we try to control how people view us. "It's not my fault. It's your fault." We want to look good, appear smart, and competent (or whatever attribute we value…kind, loving, thoughtful, etc.). 2. It is deflecting or discharging negative feelings. We don't know how to face our discomfort and painful feelings, so we put it off on others. When something bad happens, we want to assign blame. NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF BLAME: Separates couples and leads to disconnection. Lowers relationship satisfaction. Reduces intimacy. Lowers self-esteem. Increases the victim role and powerlessness. Increases resentment and bitterness. HOW TO AVOID BLAMING IN RELATIONSHIP: 1. Let go of being the victim: Being in the victim role can be a difficult habit to break. It can almost feel as compelling as an addiction. It is so hard to stop the pattern. Initially, blame seems like a good strategy as it alleviates bad feelings. "If it is not my fault, then I am off the hook." However, we give away our power in the situation. If we are not responsible, we do not have the ability to create positive change. "When you blame others, you give up your power to change." Robert Anthony 2. Take healthy responsibility One of the quickest ways to get out of blame is to take 100% responsibility for your experience. This is not taking responsibility for the relationship or for your partner. By taking 100% responsibility for your experience, you create the space for your partner take 100% responsibility for their experience. 3. Face the discomfort: Taking responsibility for your experience can feel like a vulnerable process. Because you are getting real and honest. You are getting in touch with what is most true. You may feel hurt or sad. Acknowledging your feelings, fears, and worries can be uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and scary. Here are some examples: "I feel embarrassed." "I am scared I don't matter." "I feel hurt. I am worried you don't care about me." "I feel bad. I don't feel good enough." "I am afraid of getting it wrong." "I feel so much pain when I think about letting you down." 4. Focus on the positive: By focusing on your partner's shortcomings, you may be overlooking or missing what they DO bring to you and the relationship. Speaking negatively about your partner pushes them away, where as speaking positively about your partner draws them closers. Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more examples, tips, and stories. MENTIONED: PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION. REGISTER HERE. Brené Brown on Blame (video) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast) Arielle Ford (website) "A Story For Valentine's Day" (link to Chicken Soup For The Soul stories) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 067: Why Blaming Is A Problem In Relationship And How To Avoid It If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about blame in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., BC-DMT*, is an evolutionary catalyst and contextual disruptor. She has been a pioneer in the field of body intelligence and conscious loving for over forty years. Katie has an international reputation as a seminar leader, training professionals from many fields in the core skills of conscious living: authenticity, response-ability and appreciation. She is the co-author of twelve books, including the best-selling Conscious Loving, At The Speed of Life and the new Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationship at Midlife and Beyond. Katie has been a successful entrepreneur for over forty years and has developed a unique coaching and leadership program that has trained hundreds of coaches in the U.S. and Europe. She co-founded the Spiritual Cinema Circle and the virtual Body Intelligence Summit, which will move into its third year in 2016. She has appeared on over 500 radio and television programs and traveled well over one million air miles as the ambassador for the work that she and her husband Gay Hendricks have developed. * Kathlyn earned a Ph.D. in Transpersonal Psychology and has been a Board Certified-Dance/Movement Therapist of the American Dance Therapy Association since 1975. In this episode, Kathlyn Hendricks talks with us about how criticism and blame get in the way of true intimacy in relationship. She offers perspective on the damaging cycle of criticism between partners. She gives us some important keys into shifting out of criticism. She also provides some valuable tips about how to create change in your relationship even if your partner is not on the same page. Katie helps us look at what is possible when you end criticism and blame in your relationship. KEY POINTS TO CONSIDER: Blame and criticism are the number one relationship killers, as they are the reason why most people leave their close relationships. Criticism creates a sense of shrinking away and distancing response in the person being criticized. Criticism erodes at the positive bond and connection in relationship. Criticism almost always comes from a fearful place: the experience of "I am scared of something, and I look over and I think it is you that is making me scared." Criticism creates a fear and adrenal cycle that keeps partner's hooked in a negative loop and prevent them from creating intimacy. The only thing to do with criticism is to stop it, by making a commitment to end criticism and blame. It is important to see criticism as a defensive move and look at the underlying experience. By committing to stop criticism and blame, partner's make room for genuine appreciation, support, and giving and receiving quality attention. In each moment, we have a choice in relationship, to either expand in learning and authenticity or close up in protection. We can't do both. Be sure to listen to the podcast episode to hear more valuable tips, as well as how to specifically move out of a critical stance. MENTIONED: Conscious Loving Ever After: How to Create Thriving Relationships at Midlife and Beyond, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (book) Conscious Loving 5 video series, by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks (videos on website) Foundation For Conscious Living (website) Hendricks (website) Hendrick's Trainings (website) Hearts In Harmony (Facebook page) PROGRAM: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION REGISTER HERE. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 066: How To Move Out Of Criticism Into Love & Appreciation If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about criticism in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

5 WAYS COMPLAINING IS DETRIMENTAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP Here are 5 Questions to help you identify if complaining is having a negative impact on your relationship: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. IS COMPLAINING HELPFUL? Complaining is often seen as synonymous with venting. When we don't know how to create change, it is easy to want to complain as a way of getting rid of the frustration. Complaining can feel helpful in the short-term, but not in the long-term? Is anything really different after complaining? are there any new outcomes? "The problem is that today we associate the act of complaining with venting far more than we do with problem solving." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 2. IS COMPLAINING A HABIT? Complaining can be a learned experience from family and culture. Some people relate and bond through complaining. "Every time you complain, you are reinforcing that wiring and making it easier to trigger it. Do it often enough and it can become your default setting. Negative thoughts beget more negative thoughts and you can easily fall into a cycle of negative thinking and chronic complaining." By Sharmini Gana If you are being really honest with yourself, how many things do you complain about on a regular basis? Weather Traffic Work Your boss A co-worker Your kids Your spouse Money Taxes Restaurant Stressed Lack of time Busy Politics Health 3. DO YOU AVOID THE SOURCE OF THE COMPLIANT? Often, we are uncomfortable with conflict and confronting an issue with another person. We avoid going direct (i.e. filling out a survey or filing a complaint). Often, we complain to everyone expect the person that needs to hear it. "We are equally avoidant when it comes to complaints to our loved ones. We fear voicing them will only lead to an argument and resolve nothing. Instead, we reach for the phone, call our friends and vent to them instead." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. DOES COMPLAINING LEAD TO FEELING HELPLESS? When we feel helpless, it can be very hard to take action (i.e. learned helplessness – fish example) When we complain, we are often not clear and direct about what we want. When we feel helpless, we limit our thinking. Chronic complaining affects our emotional, mental, and physical health. "When we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we're powerless to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such incident won't harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and even our general mental health." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 5. HOW COMPLAINING AFFECTS OTHERS? When you complain, do people lean in, seem interested, and want to know more? Do people engage in your complaining or do they merely tolerate it? What qualities are you attracted to in others (i.e. positive, empowered, etc.) It can be easy to view someone who complains a lot with heavy emotions as a "victim" (due to the hopelessness and lack of responsibility). Complainers can also been seen as self-focused and not available for connection or relating (because they are preoccupied with their complaints). WHAT TO DO INSTEAD: Consider in joining this program: HOW TO TURN CRITICISM INTO LOVING COMMUNICATION – REGISTER HERE. 1. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY Build awareness around your complaining. Track how often you complain and what about you complain about. Look at how you are participating in the thing you are complaining about. What is your role? Be honest & authentic. What are your feeling? Labeling the negative emotion reduces the intensity and impact of the emotion. What are you wanting? 2. TAKE ACTION Focus on getting a different result. Look for solutions. Where do you have power or control to create change? What you can do about it? "Think back to when you called a customer service hotline and were successful in resolving the matter, or when you voiced a complaint to your spouse and they responded with an apology and a promise to make better efforts in the future. Do you recall how pleased you were with yourself? How happy that made you in that moment? How empowered you felt?" By Guy Winch Ph.D. 3. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF Attend to your needs. All too often, we feel stressed, overwhelmed, and tapped out. Give yourself permission to get your needs met (i.e. acknowledgment, down time). Know you are worthy and deserving. Believe in the possibility of positive results. "By addressing issues in our relationship that need attention and problem solving them together and cooperatively, we can actually strengthen our relationships and become even closer (especially if your partner learns to complain correctly as well)." By Guy Winch Ph.D. 4. GIVE YOUR COMPLAINING STRUCTURE Give yourself a boundary of 5 mins to vent or complain. Then, stop. Recognize and catch yourself when yo

In last weeks episode, How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part One, I discussed findings from several research studies that explore relationship dynamics between men and women when the female partner is more successful. I highly encourage you to check it out, so that you have a foundation for this weeks podcast episode. Also, I provided the first two ways to strengthen your relationship when she is the breadwinner. You can check out this podcast episode here. Here are the next 7 ways you can keep your relationship strong: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (7 OF 9): 3. Know what role money plays in your relationship. What is the importance of money to you? Cultural values and norms will often influence your perspective. What beliefs have you picked up on about money and relationship? Is making more money associated with being more important, having more power, being more valuable, having more status, etc.? What matters most to you in life? What are your top five values in life? 4. Know what you can provide. What can you provide that will be of significant value to your partner and relationship? Typically, men want to provide what matters most to their female partner. (Alison Armstrong) What do you enjoy doing? What do you care about? What are your strengths? 5. Hold value for your partner and your relationship. Do you really appreciate your partner and what they offer and contribute to the relationship? Do you hold the quality of your relationship as a high priority? What would it be like to see your partner as a teammate – seeing your relationship as a team? "We both have our place on the team and that we both feel important and that we both feel valued. And we both honor each other's contribution to the relationship " Dr. Sheri Meyers How can you value the "we" in your relationship. "In marriage, when we honor and celebrate each other, we're freed up to be the best people we can be." -Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott 6. Know how you impact your partner. How do you participate in a dynamic with your partner? If women are afraid of emasculating a man, then they will tiptoe… Creating the dynamic that he can't handle it or baby him. "The more I trust him, then the more I rely on him, and the more I appreciate and am grateful for everything that he does contribute, the more manly he feels." Dr. Sheri Meyers How do you feel loved? How do you need to be loved? How do you show your partner love and care (i.e. deep listening, appreciation, play, and gratitude)? 7. Allow space for the masculine and feminine. "Although the Breadwinning Woman may appear to be this super independent, made-of-iron, can-take-on-anything woman worthy of a cape, many of us can't wait to take off the iron costume we wear all day long and have someone care for us emotionally, physically, and sexually. Come close and I will tell you a little secret… shhh: We actually just want to be taken care of, we want to surrender, we want someone else to plan, decide, execute and control… at least some of the time. If you are a breadwinning woman, your husband better offer more than healthy competition for external accomplishments; he better offer some heart, some soul, and some you know what." Sandra Shpilberg 8. Nurture the relationship connection. Now more than ever before, we marry for love and connection rather than for status or financial reasons. Therefore, our sense of emotional connection and bond is essential in relationship. How can you cultivate warmth and closeness with your partner? How can you foster more security in your connection? 9. Focus on the relationship partnership. How well do you and your partner work together? Can you collaborate and rely on each other? Can you negotiate mutually beneficial arrangements? Can you learn from your experience together, so that you can improve your partnership dynamics? When difficulties arise in your relationship, you can work through the challenges to become stronger and closer as a couple. MENTION: Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner, David Bach (book) How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson (podcast) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) The Art of Love Series Relationship Series, 2014, "Bucking Traditional Roles in the name of love How to Navigate tensions when the woman is the breadwinner." With Alison Armstrong, Dr. Sheri Meyers, Evan Marc Katz, and Al Watts. (audio series) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 064: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part II. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on t

Are men really attracted to successful women? Does a man feel threatened or emasculated when his female partner outperforms him? Is a marriage compromised when the woman is the breadwinner? In the episode, I discuss findings from several research studies that address these questions. Please see links below to access articles and blogs (under "Mentioned"). Here are some main points: Men are attracted to female intelligence, and it is one of the strongest predictors of romantic interest. (Pincott, 2016) However, the challenge arises when men feel they are being outperformed. (Pincott, 2016) "Without realizing it, men reframe 'Wow, my partner is successful' as 'Wow, my partner is successful and I am unsuccessful.'" (Pincott, 2016) "The blow to the ego, however self-inflicted, appears to hurt how men see their relationship." (Pincott, 2016) The good news is that men can feel good, even when their female partner outperforms them, if they view the relationship itself as an emotional resource. (Pincott, 2016) Growing trend that women are the primary breadwinners in the home. (Rampell, 2013) "Couples in which the wife earns more report less satisfaction with their marriage and higher rates of divorce." (Shpilberg, 2013) Men 100% economically dependent on wives are most at risk for cheating, according to study, Christin Munsch, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Connecticut. (Wallace, 2015) "'Most men don't have affairs,' says Marshall. 'But they stray when they are desperate, when they feel unheard, un-listened to. It is demeaning to say they need their ego stroked, but when you step off the primrose path – and by this I mean the usual path most go down – you need to do a lot of talking.'" (Cavendish, 2015) "If a man feels emasculated and as if he has lost his purpose in his life, he needs to ask himself some hard and difficult questions: 'who am I? What gives my life meaning?' The easy question is, 'do I fancy this other woman?' The simple answer to that is often, 'yes'." (Cavendish, 2015) 9 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN SHE IS THE BREADWINNER: PART ONE (2 OF 9) Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what kind of life you want to create with your significant other. In regards to division of labor, gender roles (i.e. traditional), societal expectations, quality of life (i.e. work/life balance.), personal desires and preferences. 2. Know what it means to you to be a man/know what it means to you to be a woman. What makes you feel like a woman/what makes you feel like a man? What is important to you and your identity as a man/woman? Stay tuned for the next podcast episode where I offer you 7 more ways to strengthen your relationship when these tensions exist. MENTIONED: "Acting A fool: Why is female intelligence a turnoff for some men, even those who profess otherwise" By Jena Pincott (Psychology Today: June 2016) "U.S. Women on the Rise as Family Breadwinner" By Catherine Rampell (article) "Women Breadwinners: Less Satisfied in Marriage?" By Sandra Shpilberg(article) "Husbands of female breadwinners most at risk for cheating, says study" By Kelly Wallace (article) "The danger of being a breadwinning wife" By Lucy Cavendish (Article) How Can I Ever Trust You Again?: Infidelity: From Discovery to Recovery in Seven Steps By Andrew Marshall (book) Sex and the city – Speed dating (video clip) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 063: How To Keep Your Relationship Strong (when she is more successful) – Part I. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Can you simply have a friendship when you have romantic and/or sexual potential with someone? Is it a good idea to stay friends with an ex-significant other? Having a platonic friendship with someone with whom you have romantic potential, sexual attraction, or history with can be complicated for sure. However, it is not impossible. 4 KEYS TO DEVELOPING A HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP (WITH SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER): Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. 1. Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship. What is your intention for the friendship? What do you want to experience within the friendship? What is the purpose of the friendship? Sometimes, we maintain friendships for reasons we are not totally aware of, especially when we stay friends with an ex-significant other. For example, we want to feel needed, we want the attention, or we don't want to hurt the person's feelings. Here is an article on Psychology Today "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. 2. Be sensitive to the quality of the friendship. How does your friend treat you? Ho do you treat your friend? Do you want the same things in relationship? What kind of relationship are you developing (i.e. do you have candle lit dinners together)? Is it a mismatch (i.e. do either one of you want more than just friendship)? 3. Be honest about what you are feeling and sensing. Are you being honest with yourself about what you are getting out of the friendship? Does your friendship fulfill a need of yours? If so, what is it? If you are in a committed relationship, do you include your partner in the friendship to some degree? Would you do and say the same things with your friend, if your partner were around? Are you hiding, withholding, or omitting aspects of your friendship from your significant other? (If you are avoiding conflict or feeling fearful of your partner's reaction, you may want to get support in how to create a safe, secure connection in your relationship, while maintaining what is authentic to you. This can be difficult to negotiate at times.) 4. Be clear about your boundaries. What are you comfortable with in a friendship? What are you okay with and what are you not okay with? Relating back to point #1 "Know what your intention is and what the purpose is for the friendship." Is your behavior in alignment with your intention and purpose? Are your boundaries getting blurred? Are you behaving in ways that you feel good about? Developing a platonic friendship with someone you have potential or history with is complicated, but it is not impossible. It does require choosing a friend with similar friendship goals, as well as having some sensitivity, awareness, and ability to communicate your boundaries clearly. MENTIONED: "The 10 Worst Reasons To Stay Friends With Your Ex" by Dr. Juliana Breines. (article) How Stay Friends With An Ex (Article) How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 062 Just Friends. Is It Really Possible. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to be more successful in relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Leisa Peterson is a Business EFT expert and Wealth Coach specializing in helping people clear their fear, doubt and overwhelm to create joyful, profitable, authentic and fulfilling businesses. In this episode, Leisa talks with us about working collaboratively together, rather than working from a scarcity mindset. With collaboration, we can bring out the best in each other and achieve greatness together. Whereas when we are in "self-concern," we tend to not be as understanding and supportive with one another, and we tend to focus on scarcity and our needs not getting met. She identified several ways people feel scarcity (see below), and she shared some tips on how to move from a scarcity perspective into a more collaborative perspective, namely with awareness and self-responsibility. She also talked about the importance of compassion and forgiveness. Leisa gave us a sneak peek into her upcoming book "7 Ways We Sabotage Our Experiences As Entrepreneurs," where she talks about the different types of scarcity. Here are a few: I don't have the resources. I don't have enough time. I don't feel good enough. I have to cut corners. What I want is not possible. Leisa's insights and tips are important to any relationship dynamic and are particularly important to intimate relationships. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED: Leisa Peterson's website (website) Leisa's story about loss and forgiveness (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 061: How To Experience More Togetherness In Relationship With Leisa Peterson. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Monika is a licensed therapist and relationship coach promoting healthy, authentic relationships from the inside-out. She specializes in helping people change their limiting beliefs at the subconscious level, creating much deeper change than in traditional coaching methods. She works mostly with women who are in long-term relationships in crisis, to help them create their desired relationship by first changing their own default modes. Her coaching programs guide individuals through four stages of change that are required for truly authentic, empowered relationships. In this episode, Monika talks with us about essential keys to shifting your relationship approach, so that can set your relationship up for success. She talks about the "default modes" that get in the way of our ability to show up for a healthy, authentic relationship. She defined "default modes" as the habitual ways we respond to things that are based on old programming. 4 STAGES OF CHANGE: Monika talked about her approach to helping people create relationship change in their lives with these four stages. 1. Self-Awareness: Getting honest with yourself, taking ownership of your limits, desires, needs, and challenges. Really getting to know yourself. 2. Expression: Expressing yourself authentically. Gaining the tools to express who you are to another person in relationship. 3. Hold the space for your partner's expression: Receiving your partner. Getting your filters out of the way, so that you can hear who your partner is as a separate person. Separate from the past and what has already happened in your relationship. Staying present in the moment. 4. Getting into unity: Getting on the same team. Move out of the "me" versus "you" mindset and into the "we" mindset. The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. Monika shares her own story and turning point in relationship, where she chose a path of personal and relationship transformation. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear more points and tips. MENTIONED Monika Hoyt's website Free 30 minute Relationship Breakthrough session with Monika Hoyt TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 060: How To Step Up To A Healthy, Authentic Relationship With Monika Hoyt. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your intimate relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: "How or what might you be able to recommend for my current situation? I am a 45 year old man who is dating a 41 year old woman who has been married 2 previous times. I have lived the single life and am ready for a change. One of her children is still a child. Her biggest concern is where my career path is leading me…. I changed career direction a couple years ago and has not produced visible improvement in my life financially. I don't want to lose her because of that, she has asked that I find something and has given somewhat of a deadline on our future together. I know we have a connection and she has voiced that as well. My biggest feeling I have currently is Fear…fear of losing her when I know and I know she knows we have a connection." 1. Identify What Is True For You. What are your top values in life? What are your needs? What type of relationship are your wanting to create? 2. What Are Your Partner's Needs? What are your partner's top values in life? What are her needs? What type of relationship is she wanting to create? 3. Be Honest & True. Be willing to be vulnerable. Reveal what is true. 4. Surrender The Desire To Control. Be open to the unknown. Let go of your attachment to being seen in a particular way. Feel the emotions that come up when you let go of the need to control (i.e. fear, grief, sadness). 5. Just Be. Be in the moment. Be with what is true. There is a tremendous amount of strength and grace that comes for revealing what is true without trying to hide or conceal. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "Hi I am 55 years old, divorced for four years. I'm in relationship and it's pretty serious and I'm not sure at this point when to tell him that I had a gastric bypass surgery. Only a couple of friends know that I had the surgery about eight years ago. I am committed to living a more authentic life and I feel like I need to tell him at some point. We are talking about the relationship progressing to the next level. He retires at the end of the year. He might be moving across the country to live with me. I am feeling like I need to tell him. I am just not sure when. Do we wait until we talk about marriage or until we are pretty sure that we're going to be together or do I just do it now. I guess I feel like I should do it now because if he can't accept that or is judgmental about about my past, I'd like to know sooner rather than later." 6. Commit To Revealing. Commit to revealing over and over again in relationship. Even if feels shameful, unacceptable, unattractive, and unlovable. Otherwise, you will be hiding yourself and taking yourself out of true connection. 7. You Always Have The Opportunity To Choose. As soon as you recognize you are concealing or hiding… Shift your focus to revealing and being transparent. Notice what is true in the moment. Share openly and honestly. 8. Take 100% Responsibility For Your Experience Be curious. How are you contributing to this issue? Stay with the question. How are you participating in the relationship dynamic? MENTIONED: Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (book) Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) My Personal Story – What Led Me Into The Field Of Couples Work And Relationship Coaching (podcast) Suzanne Kilkus (website) Gosia Meyer Jewelry (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 059: Risk Love To Be True To Oneself. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

112 WEDDINGS" BY DOUG BLOCK After filming over 20 years of couples weddings, videographer and documentary film maker Doug Block, began to wonder what happened to these couples, "Are they still together? Is married life what they thought it would be? How have they navigated the inevitable ups and downs of marriage over the long haul? Are they happy?" To answer these questions, Doug tracked down 9 couples to interview. In "112 Weddings," Doug explores themes of love, commitment, and challenges, while giving us flashbacks of their wedding day. He asks all the couples: "After years of being married, what would be your advice be for a young couple soon to be married?" (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TAKEAWAYS 1. You are going to experience challenges together. Every couple talked about some hardship or difficulty that they had to face together. These challenges ranged from financial stresses, parenting and decision-making conflicts, mental illness, having a child with a life threatening illness, and having a child with learning disability. "I think there's an amazing story behind every couple's marriage. The common denominator is that they're going to face really tough challenges over time." ~ Doug Block 2. You have no idea what to expect within your marriage. "Wedding is day one. It is easy to make happy. You just throw a ton of money and liquor at it. A wedding is easy to make happy and marriage it hard to make happy." ~ Rabbi Jonathan Blake Even against our better judgement, we hope our marriage will be easy or that "happily ever after" will happen to us. Yet, a marriage is a living, breathing relationship. A marriage does not survive on it own, it takes a level of intention, attention, and investment that most of us do not know how to do proactively. Couples talked about the mistakes of putting other priorities first and taking their partner for granted. 3. When things don't go according to plan, it is easy to feel shame. Generally, we don't talk about our hardships with one another. Therefore, it is easy to think everyone else is doing well in their relationship, especially when you look at social media. We tend to privately play the comparison game. When our relationship is not going the way we want it to, it is easy to feel bad and alone. This is especially true, if we expected the relationship to be easy and blissful. We think some version of "Something is wrong with me, my partner, or us." 4. Gather resources to get you through the challenging times. As with any challenge you set-out to accomplish, you want to be as prepared as possible. If you were planning for a long, rigorous hike, you would want to wear good socks and boots, as well as prepare a pack with extra clothing layers, plenty of snacks and water, and supplies. One couple talked about marriage being like waves. "Sometimes you love your partner, and sometimes you hate them. Your marriage will go through phases." Couples talked what helped them get through the difficult times: Working together. Being able to laugh together. Remembering why I married this person. Having gratitude; Not taking my for granted. Doug Block answers the question, "What do you hope people take away from this film?": "When people tend to think about marriage, their thoughts end at the wedding. The wedding is such a big deal that they conflate marriage with weddings. The whole point of the film is that the wedding is just day one. You're going to have a long life together and the only thing that you can expect is that life will throw the unexpected at you. That's your task as a couple — facing life together and the things you can't possibly prepare for." Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 058 Beyond the wedding. What is marriage really like. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER'S QUESTION: Hello Dr. Jessica Higgins, I'm really enjoying your podcast. Thank you very much for all the insight you give us. I am interested in hearing about addiction particularly gambling addiction. My husband has been gambling for probably seven years. I discovered it about three years ago. Gambling just seems to be one of those addictions that people don't really talk about so much. He's gambling about $30 a day, so it doesn't seem like a lot, but at the end of the year it adds up. I'd really like to know how to figure out what to do about this, how I want to proceed in my relationship, and how to assess whether this is a deal breaker for me because I have a lot of issue with it. Any information you can give on the effect of gambling on relationships and how to deal with it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Take An Honest Look What is the impact of your partner's behavior? Emotionally Relationally Financially Etc. 2. Identify Your Boundaries Are you enabling your partner's behavior? (see article below) Do you feel resentful, overextended, or taken for granted? Identify your boundaries. What is okay with you and what is not okay with you? What would holding a boundary allow you to feel? What are your underlying needs? How would holding a boundary help you? How would holding a boundary help your relationship? 3. Change The Rules Do not participate in old dynamics or habits. Change the way you relate with your partner. Set new limits and standards for yourself. Set boundaries that you can control. 4. Communicate With Your Partner Express concern without blame or shame. Share the impact of your partner's behavior. Share the serious nature of the concern. Rate your concern on a scale from 1 to 10. Discuss the option of getting help (i.e. therapist, counselor, Gamblers Anonymous, treatment program). Explicitly state your boundary. "Here is what I am going to do moving forward." 5. Take Action Stick with your plan. It will feel the hardest in the beginning. Be consistent. Let your partner know you are serious. You are changing the family/couple system. Get support (i.e. Gam-Anon, therapist, support group, friends, etc.). Gather new information. How does your partner respond to your new limits? Is your partner willing to get help? Are you and your partner communicating? MENTIONED: Transform Your Life Baja Cruise (cruise details and registration page) Brené Brown talking about Boundaries, Empathy, and Compassion (video) How to avoid enabling a spouse's gambling addiction (article) Stages of compulsive gambling (article) Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group (forum) AAMFT Gambling (resource) Gambling addiction (resource) How Can I Help My Husband Stop Gambling? (article) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 057- How to Avoid Enabling Your Spouses' Destructive Behavior. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Alison Armstrong, author, educator, and creator of the widely acclaimed "Queen's Code" workshop series, asks the question: "What if no one is misbehaving — including you?" She explores the good reasons behind the behavior of men and women such as fundamental differences in the ways we think, act and communicate. She offers simple, partnership-based, solutions to improve our communication and intimacy by honoring ourselves and others. She's known for her insight, sense of humor and ability to articulate the human experience and predicament of gender. In this episode, Alison talks with us about important points to consider if you are having difficulty syncing up with your partner sexually. She offers key explanations to the variables that are involved with being interested, available, and engaged in sex. She shares important information about our biological and emotional influences. She gives very practical suggestions to help set couples up for successful engagement with one another. Alison inspires us work in ways that support and nurture our sexual relationship. She provides very practical and effective strategies to gain more intimacy within your relationship. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and tips. MENTIONED Understand Men (website) Queen's Code (website) The Queen's Code (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 056: Secrets To Sex Even When No One Is In The Mood With Alison Armstrong. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about how to nurture your sexual relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me. SHARE THIS:

FREE STRATEGY SESSIONS – A FEW SPACES LEFT! A Gift: A few weeks ago, I announced a complimentary strategy session (to the first 40 people) to help you learn effective strategies to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "You've done some wonderful work on avoiding or transfiguring critique… if you're the one giving it. However, what if you're on the receiving end, and your partner is constantly looking for faults? How would you turn that around? My first instinct was to break up with her, that her mind has been poisoned with the opinions of others. Key members of her family/friends thought I was a bit too weird and awkward, socially inept, even inappropriate. Growing up in small towns, smaller schools, and being a techie… judgmental city folk like that really don't get me. Initially we agreed that I see a therapist and read some social skills books, since I'm compliant, an advocate of self-improvement. Eventually, it started bothering me. About a year of that was enough, and I started standing up for myself, just straight up saying no sometimes, refusing the critique outright even. She went distant after that, and two months later, she broke things off." (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) TIPS: 1. Trust Yourself Listen to your gut instinct and/or inner wisdom. Acknowledge your needs. Be honest about fit when dating and exploring relationship potential (i.e. values, desires, etc.). 2. Ask Curious Questions Get to know her experience. Learn what she is thinking, feeling, and desiring. What is underneath her complaint? For example, "What would me washing my hands differently do for you? What would it allow you to feel?" 3. Set Limits And Boundaries Do not engage in dynamics that are hurtful. Set a standard for respect. Don't participate in communication that does not feel good to you. Participate in communication that is constructive. 4. Redirect And Ask For Constructive Communication Let her know what type of communication you are interested in. Let her know you want to hear her experience in a constructive way. Communication your needs and desires around this topic. 5. Practice Self-Validation Acknowledge your positive characteristics and qualities. Appreciate what you have to offer. Validate your worthiness. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: What To Do When You Are Feeling Criticized In Relationship. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

ACT NOW – SPOTS ARE FILLING UP! A Gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "If I see that every morning when I work from home my partner is rushing to get the kids out the door to daycare and is 5 or so minutes late, every time. She is able to stay in the home. I pay all the bills. I also know that this is happening on days when I am not there. It is very hard to rush 3-5 Yo's, things just take time. I think she needs to get out of bed at 7:30 instead of 8 to give herself (and the kids) more time so she can start some of the process's earlier. Usually I am gone to work as I leave the house at 6:30. I think this would alleviate the stress or being late every day. I'm worried that suggesting such a thing would cause a "conflict" where she would be mad at me. So therefore I won't say anything. I guess I just don't know how to be. I really like/want to talk discuss everything and she doesn't. I realized that her and I have different definitions of peace. She feels peaceful when there is no "confrontation" even if that means we don't talk. I want to talk about everything. I want to work through everything and have all our feelings out on the table. I'm very much and extrovert and she is an introvert, in terms of wanting to interact physically or emotionally. I feel like we are so different. Our conversations always go so poorly, I end up feeling like I'm so wrong and in order to have the closeness that I crave I just "can't say anything". I'm not even clear on what is reasonable or ok to say/suggest." TIPS: 1. Recognize Differences in You and Your Partner's Style and Pacing Extrovert's are typically comfortable verbally and processing aloud. Introvert's are usually more comfortable reflecting and processing internally. 2.Make Room for Your Partner. Slow down so that you can connect with your partner. Listen for the emotional tone of your partner and try to attune to them. Strive for collaboration. 3. Gain Awareness Notice opinions or judgements. What is it like for me when she is late? What would her being on time allow me to feel? What is it that I am wanting or needing? Is this something that I can accept? (This question may give you a better sense of your boundaries.) 4. Get Curious What is her experience in the morning? What does being late do for her (Is she needing more sleep? Is she needing a deadline to motivate her in the morning? Is she used to running on adrenaline and stress?) Get to know her experience more fully. 5. Work Towards Constructive Communication How can communicating feel comfortable for both of you? Practice relational communication Talk about you and your feelings rather than expressing judgments or opinions of your partner. Relational communication is very different from other types of communication that you might use at work or in other areas of your life. Get support to create a new communication patterns. MENTIONED: A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (book) Meetup groups and meetings (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Bridge A Communication Gap With Your Partner. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning about improving your communication patterns in your love relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! A special gift: For the first 40 people who contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "I know that walking on eggshells is a bad thing. Because whether or not you are doing it, the issue will come up eventually, and if put off it will only be more dramatic later. I've always been such an assertive person, but lately, with my girlfriend, I've not been emotionally assertive. That frustrates my girlfriend and it makes me shame myself. So a couple of things, I know that I need to not shame myself, and I don't want to be emotionally unassertive. Like I make too many assumptions about how she 'might' react to something. Avoid Then I get caught in this terrible spiral. I don't want to burden her with my problems, so I'm walking on eggshells, and then when I finally do tell her, another issue has arisen because I have not been good about being clear with what I need and want. Like this has happened a few other times in the past when I am upset by something she's done but have not addressed the issue right away, tried to take off some of the pressure and heat from the situation by sitting on the feeling for a few days. I don't know why I do this and I don't want to do it. And then I realize that in my fear of bothering her and in my head thinking she won't want to be with me, I exacerbate the situation even more and it feeds into itself . Which sucks. My main question for you is, do you have any tips for how I can let my gf know that I am assertive, emotionally and otherwise, and how I can stop myself from shaming myself for having needs? " INITIAL THOUGHTS: Emphasizing Your Best Parts – In dating, it is common to want to show the best parts of yourself. However, if you are too preoccupied with saying and doing the right thing, you run the risk of hiding and concealing who you really are in relationship. If this continues, you don't have the opportunity to build a solid foundation for an authentic relationship. Men Revealing Emotional Needs – When it comes to revealing emotions, men sometimes have a little more difficult time sharing their inner world. Stereotypically, men are taught to be strong and independent. Therefore, it can be a little uncomfortable and unfamiliar for men to discuss their emotional needs and desires proactively. Relationship Model – Thinking about who you want to be in relationship and what you want your relationship to be like can be a helpful. If you know you want to have open communication in your relationship, than you will be more motivated to broach a topic with your partner. Interdependence – Relationships involve some level of reciprocity. "The healthiest way we can interact with those close to us is by being truly interdependent. This is where two people, both strong individuals, are involved with each other, but without sacrificing themselves or compromising their values." ~ Barton Goldsmith Ph.D. Feeling Worthy – Being in relationship involves receiving, as well as giving. Do you feel worthy of receiving your partners love? Being Seen – Having needs and preferences, allows your partner to know you and experience you. Also, expressing your desires with your partner gives you an opportunity to see how they will show up. Giving Yourself A Chance – Not sharing with your partner out of fear of rejection is like rejecting yourself before your partner has a chance to reject you. Believe me, I understand how scary and vulnerable it is to share what is honest and real, especially when you don't know how it will be received. However, I imagine you ultimately want to be in a relationship where you are loved….not for being perfect, but for being you. TIPS: 1. Awareness: be clear about how you feel and what you want. 2. Acceptance: What if you accepted your experience as just a part of your process without blame or shame? What if you focused on being real and honest? What if it were all okay? Would you be able to have more compassion and acceptance with yourself? 3. Being Communicative: Proactively sharing with your partner (listen to episode to hear examples). Communicating with your partner creates a climate where it is safe to talk about uncomfortable and difficult topics. Together you will be building a foundation for a lasting relationship. 4. Act With Future Relationship In Mind: What kind of relationship are you wanting to build? Is the relationship reciprocal and interdependent? Is it honest and real? These types of qualities require an investment. If you focus on the long-term benefit 9of what your relationship will be like down the road), you will be more interested in putting forth the effort. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: How To Build Emotion

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMPOWERED RELATIONSHIP! A special gift: For the first 40 people that contact me, I am offering a complimentary strategy session to help you learn effective strategies for how to improve your relationship! To book your session and discover the keys to keeping your relationship strong, just email me and let me know when is a good time for you and your significant other. LISTENER'S QUESTION: "In pondering my relationship issues, I wondered how much of it is related to childhood insufficiencies or lack of ideal parenting. In my search, I found an article about attachment styles. I found myself in the anxious insecure attachment style. l also identified my soon to be ex husband's attachment style and my current boyfriend's attachment style. What the article does not address very much is how do we overcome those needs that weren't met in childhood so that we can be more complete adults now and therefore have healthy relationships." ADULT ATTACHMENT RESEARCH Much of the empirical research in the field of attachment is based on the pioneering theoretical work of John Bowlby(1969/1973/1980). Bowlby's attachment theory was founded upon evolutionary principles and developed from his research in observing the emotional and behavioral reactions of infants when separated from their primary caregiver. Attachment responses are designed to keep infants in close proximity to their caregivers, which help keep them safe and protected from harm. These emotional and behavioral responses are a part of the complex constellation called an attachment system. Any type of threat to the stability of existing attachment bonds is thought to activate the attachment system (Bowlby, 1969), and people differ systematically in the way they cope with distress and regulate feelings of security (Bowlby, 1973). Another goal of the attachment system is to promote the sense of "felt security" (Treboux et al., 2004, p. 295), which is the perception that an attachment figure is both available and responsive (Bowlby, 1969). Sustaining this sense of felt security is thought to be critical for maintaining satisfying, close attachment bonds (Bowlby, 1969). (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) HOW TO EARN A SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE: 1. Gain awareness of your attachment style. 2. Understand your attachment response is real and important. Many of us get frustrated with ourselves…wanting to be different and feel different. 3. Identify your attachment need. Sometimes this requires getting in touch with deep pain, which can feel extremely vulnerable. 4. Communicate your attachment needs in ways that move your partner to respond and work with you.Communicate in a ways that your partner can hear it. 5. (When your partner wants you to be there for them) Show up in a way that works for you. Most of the time we can't show up because we are also feeling threatened, reacting, and in pain. 6. Work to prioritize emotional safety in your relationship. 7. Meet your partner in connection. Reveal deep vulnerable truths, see, hear, understand, and validate each other. Yes, it is possible to heal attachment insecurities. It does take effort and constructive practice. If you are interested in getting support and guidance to work these steps, please contact me. I would be honored to help. TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning more about attachment styles in love relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books – The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger). She is considered one of the foremost authorities on ADHD and relationships – counseling ADHD-affected couples, and teaching marriage professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov runs a very popular and effective 8-week phone seminar for couples, and blogs at www.adhdmarriage.com. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Melissa Orlov talks with us about the impact of ADHD on marriage and romantic relationships. She describes the common signs and clues of ADHD and how it manifests within intimate relationships. She explains the predictable patterns that couples go through and where couples get stuck in unhealthy dynamics. "ADHD is misnamed. It is not about attention deficit. It is actually about attention dysregulation." Melissa offers insight into her work of helping couples shift out of these negative patterns so that they can work together more effectively and positively. She also emphasizes the importance of managing the ADHD symptoms in a healthy way. She shared three main points to her work: 1, Gaining awareness and education about ADHD. 2. Working hard to let go of problematic relationship patterns and create new relationship interactions and patterns that are more productive and positive. 3. Being compassionate and empathetic to your partner. Melissa encourages people to view learning about an ADHD diagnosis as a good thing. She shares that between 70-90% of adults with ADHD can significantly improve the management of their ADHD symptoms with the right treatment. MENTIONED Melissa Orlov – ADHD Marriage (website) ADHD Effect Couples Seminar (course) The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps (book) The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (book) Free Treatment Guide (opt-in gift) Driven to Distraction (Revised): Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder (book) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest about ADHD in romantic relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Dr. Keith Witt is a Licensed Psychologist, teacher, and author who has lived and worked in Santa Barbara, CA. for over forty years. Dr. Witt is the founder of The School of Love, at www.drkeithwitt.com, where he offers his five Books, his six hour audio class Loving Completely, the School of Love Lecture Series, blogs, Therapist in the Wild webseries, and Integral Conversations audios and videos on health/love/relationship/sexuality/spirituality/development/psychotherapy related topics. He has given three TEDx talks, all available on his website. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Dr. Keith Witt talks with us about our evolution and development. He incorporates several different disciplines to offer a rich and comprehensive approach to relationships, love, sexuality, and intimacy. He talks about pain, suffering, and trauma in life and relationship. "Being responsible means at the point something happens we start working to make it better in a healthy way. We have this power…focused intent and action, in service of principle and driven by result is a super power." Dr. Keith Witt MENTIONED Dr. Keith Witt (website) Integral Mindfulness: Clueless to Dialed in – How Integral Mindful Living Makes Everything Better (amazon link) Loving Completely (video series) The School Of Love (video series) Patricia Albere and Evolutionary Collective (website) James Masterson (wikipedia) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your desire to learn more about higher consciousness in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Jayson Gaddis – Chief relationship geek and host of the Smart Couple Podcast is the breakthrough marriage and relationship teacher for smart, successful, people. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure drove him into a corner where he had no where to go but face his demons. From there Jayson was determined to overcome his blocks to intimacy and self-sabotage in relationship. He spent years in therapy and self-development programs until he slowly figured this relationship stuff out. In this episode, Jayson talks with us about relationship pain and growth. He addresses three relationship types. If you and your partner have different relationship types, than this is probably causing some level of conflict and stress. This will especially be true if one of you has the growth and development type and your partner does not. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) THREE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP 1. Comfort and Security Type: Partners want to be safe. They don't want to grow. 2. Pleasure & Fun Type: Partners want to have fun. They don't want drama and challenge. 3. Growth & Development Type: Partners wants to grow and learn. Jayson also talks with us about how to skillfully address your relationship desires with your partner so that you can be on the path towards relationship growth and fulfillment. MENTIONED Jayson Gaddis (website) Jayson Gaddis' Map (opt-in) Smart Couple Podcast (itunes) Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest growing and improving your relationship. I hope you are more in the know of what leads to a lasting marriage/relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

YOU SAY "NO" ALL OF THE TIME. Any time you make a choice, you say "yes" to something and "no" to something else. Even if you are not overtly saying "no", you are still choosing out of certain relationships and activities, while choosing in on others. THE DOWNSIDE OF ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR PARTNER. In relationship, you will experience times when your partner wants something different from what you want. What do you do? Whatever choice you make in that moment will probably have no drastic impact. However, if you repeatedly choose to please your partner, then the cumulative effect may pose some very difficult challenges for you down the line. Most notably, you will have lost yourself. Over time, you have essentially taken yourself out of the relationship. You have left your preferences and needs on the sidelines. You will probably feel unhappy, dissatisfied, and maybe even resentful. NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY `Saying "no" or stating an opposing view to your partner can be an extremely scary and uncomfortable thing to do, especially when you are not in the practice of doing it. It feels counterintuitive but the more you can be honest and authentic, the more you will be investing in the growth of your relationship (and you). How can you have a genuine and passionate relationship when you put your needs aside and take yourself out of the relationship? KEEP THE END GOAL IN MIND Often times, the process looks messy and feels painful. However, if you can believe in the end result of a win-win, then you will be more motivated to deal with the discomfort. If you can learn to tolerate some initial discomfort, then you will be investing in your relationship and individual growth. MENTIONED Survey: How To Improve Empowered Relationship (survey) The Invitation (poem) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in learning how to say "no" in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

HOW TO USE THE END OF THE YEAR AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET MORE ALIGNED With the new year approaching, it is common to anticipate making changes with new ideas and goals. Some people set new years resolutions and other people focus on setting intentions. As the year comes to a close, it can be an excellent time to reflect on the past year and review. Did you make decisions to support your values and vision for your relationship and life? WHAT YOUR CALENDAR AND SPENDING SUMMARY CAN TELL YOU If you pull out your calendar and look over the year, you will be able to see where you invested your time and energy. In a calendar year, we all have 365 days, and we have a choice in how we spend this time. If you look at your checkbook for the past year or your credit card/bank yearly summary, you will be able to see where you spent your money. Money represents value. We trade money for things we want and find valuable. Did you invest your time, energy, and money into the things that matter to you? Did you allocate resources to support your top values and vision? If not, can you be non-judgmental and accepting with yourself? Can you see this information as a source of learning? Can you seize the opportunity to improve your alignment in relationships. The more your choices match your values and vision, the happier, healthier, and more successful you will be. YOUR PHYSICAL ENVIRONMENT AS A METAPHOR A client recently told me about a book titled "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing." He described the simple philosophy of only having possessions you love and having a place for everything in your home. There are many approaches to decluttering and organizing your home. Some people believe your physical environment reflects your inner world. If your home is cluttered and chaotic, then so is your inner state. Other people believe the organization of your home creates flow, harmony, and intention into your life. Just like gardeners will weed around the plants the are growing, it can be helpful to get rid of the things in your physical space that no longer serve your values or support your vision. BEING ALIGNED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Every day you are investing in your relationship with your thoughts and behaviors. Are you thinking and behaving kindly, positively, and lovingly? Or are you being critical, judgmental, and resentful? Even your emotions contribute to a positive or a negative cycle with your partner. The way you engage and relate is either supporting your relationship values and vision or breaking them down. If you realize you are not participating in a positive cycle within your relationship, I want to encourage you to view this as an opportunity. There is probably a good reason why you are struggling to behave in ways that support your relationship goals. Some of the common reasons people have are unexpressed needs, unresolved concerns, and an inability to effectively and constructively deal with conflict. I understand it can be an incredibly painful experience to be in a relationship that does not match what you ultimately want. However, there is hope. This is a workable situation if you take action to find alignment in your relationship. I recognize this is easier said than done. However, you have resources and help. If you would like my support in addressing these concerns, please contact me at [email protected]. MENTIONED The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (book) Feng Shui (philosophy) Mary Morrissey (Coach) Jennifer Jimenez (Coach) Braveheart (movie) Clean Sweep (T.V show) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to create alignment in relationships. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week I talked about How To Gain Self-Confidence In Relationship. I discussed the positive cycle between assertiveness and self-confidence. The more you can assert yourself the more self-confident you will be. Just as the more self-confident you are the more assertive you will be. 5 REASONS WHY WE AVOID BEING ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP While we might agree with the concept of being assertive, many of us have no idea HOW to be assertive in a relationship. Here's a few reasons why: 1. We think assertiveness is synonymous with being aggressive or confrontational and we are afraid of being mean. 2. We are afraid to "rock the boat". Here is something to consider, the boat is already rocked. There is nothing you can do to hide it or make it go away. The goal here is to be honest and real about what is happening. This will allow you to bring your whole self fully to the relationship. "Through assertiveness we develop contact with ourselves and with others. We become real human beings with real ideas, real differences…and real flaws. And we admit all of these things. We don't try to become someone else's mirror. We don't try to suppress someone else's uniqueness. We don't try to pretend that we're perfect. We become ourselves. We allow ourselves to be there." ~ Randy Paterson 3. We are concerned about the loss of love, connection, or attention. Everyone fears rejection. 4. Being assertive feels too stressful which can activate your sympathetic nervous system response (i.e. fight, flight or freeze response). 5. We don't know how to be assertive. We don't have any good models to emulate. Assertiveness is a skill that takes practice to develop. TIPS FOR HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Check Your Beliefs Do you believe your thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as your partner's (not more important, but equally important)? Do you believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity? Do you think being assertive is critical to your overall well-being, happiness, and potential? Do you think you can get your needs met without sacrificing the needs of your partner? Know You Know your limits and boundaries. Identify your emotions, desires, and preferences. Know what you want. Take Action Confront people who violate your boundaries or rights. Ask for help. Learn to say no. Practice saying "no" for an hour or a day as an experiment to see how it feels. Practice Respect Give yourself permission to not be perfect. Contribute to win-win conversations. Be honest and tactful with your loved ones. Watch Your Habits Are you overly apologetic? Do you wait for someone else to recognize your needs? Do you feel responsible for your partner's needs? Do you strive to please people all the time? PUT ASSERTIVENESS TO PRACTICE WITH THESE 4 STEPS Start small. Be specific. Be clear and honest. Be respectful. MENTIONED: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships, Randy Paterson (book) Challenge Day (website) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to be more assertive in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

For years, I have been talking with clients about the important balance between assertiveness and consideration. Many times, people are too afraid to assert themselves because they have fear of seeming mean, domineering, or controlling. Yet, if you do not assert yourself at all, it is likely you will feel unhappy with your partner and within your relationship. BALANCED ASSERTIVENESS When coaching clients I will sometimes put assertiveness on a high-to-low scale. On one end, you have someone who is high in assertiveness and low in consideration for others. They may neglect to think about others and they may appear to be self-involved and self-centered. On the other end of the scale, you have someone who is low in assertiveness and high in consideration. They may be so considerate of others' needs that they do not advocate for themselves because they feel it is inappropriate to assert their needs. Or they may be so focused on others that they don't even know what they want. Both ends of the scale are out of balance. The goal is to be both assertive and considerate in relationship. (These are my Empowered Relationship podcast notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) One of the tools that I sometimes use with couples is an assessment titled Prepare – Enrich. The test results help identify a couple's strengths and weaknesses so that the couple can work to improve and strengthen their relationship. The assessment is called Prepare – Enrich because it helps engaged couples prepare for marriage and helps married couples enrich their relationship. Here are some interesting research findings from Prepare – Enrich: KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS Prepare – Enrich identifies four key relationship dynamics that affect the success of a couple: Assertiveness – the ability to express one's feelings and ask for what one wants. Self-Confidence – how good one feels about oneself and their ability to accomplish what they want in life. Avoidance – the tendency to minimize issues and reluctance to deal with issues directly. Partner Dominance – how much one feels controlled or dominated by their partner. A Positive Cycle Shows: Being assertive builds self-confidence. Being self-confident builds assertiveness. A Negative Cycle Shows: Avoidance increases the feeling or experience of partner dominance. Feeling as though your partner is dominating and controling increases avoidance. Those That Score High In Assertiveness: Score higher in self-confidence Tend to like the personality of their partner Feel good about their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in avoidance and partner dominance Those That Score High In Avoidance: Score higher in partner dominance Tend to dislike the personality of their partner Are less satisfied with their communication and conflict resolution skills Score lower in self confidence and assertiveness If you struggle with being assertive in relationship, then chances are you may struggle with self-confidence too. I encourage you to take one step towards practicing being assertive. This step could be something small like voicing your preference for dinner. Or you may want to spend some time thinking about what you would say if you were to advocate for your needs in relationship on bigger topics. I understand this is easier said than done, especially if you have had very little support or encouragement to articulate your needs. If you would like to support in becoming more assertive in relationship, please contact me. I would be happy to help. MENTIONED Prepare – Enrich If you are interested in taking the Prepare – Enrich test for your relationship, email me at [email protected]. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to gain self-confidence in your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Relationships sometimes fail or end. When they do, it's easy to doubt whether or not you are doomed to be unhappy in love. Recently, a listener submitted a question, "Is it possible to have a successful ...

JEALOUSY IN MARRIAGE AND LOVE RELATIONSHIPS Mali Apple and Joe Dunn are authors, coaches, lovers, and best friends. Their bestselling book, The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships has helped thousands of people around the world create relationships that are deeply connected emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. The sequel, The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy explores everything from connecting with your sexual energy to using sexual healing to transform challenges into heart-opening pleasure recently won the 2015 National Indie Excellence Award for Sexuality. In this podcast episode, Mali and Joe talk about why we feel jealous, what you can do to work with it, and more importantly, how to transform it into connection and passion. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Key Points from Mali & Joe's Interview: 95% of feelings of jealousy occur when there is NO risk going on in the relationship (i.e. a partner is having an affair). For jealousy in marriage, the feeling can range from a small impulse to very intense and overwhelming sensations. Self-exploration is important. Ask yourself, "Where are the jealous feelings coming from?" Look at past experiences of abandonment, relationship, and low self-esteem to help find your answers. It's easy to think: "You shouldn't be doing that because I make myself feel uncomfortable when you do that. Because of all the things I tell myself that it means." How to become the watcher of what you tell yourself when you start feeling jealousy come up. 'What lack do I feel inside myself and how can I address that? " How to see your partner as a sexy, attractive, and unique individual. We build trust through experiences with our partner, being able to talk openly and honestly. The importance of both inner security and relationship security (safe and strong connection). You are free to admire other attractive people. You can be yourself. Find a way to expand who you are within your own marriage or love relationship. There are foundational principles of acceptance in love relationships. Commitments that are self-oriented. There is never a guarantee in a marriage, love relationship, or in life. The paradox of connection and freedom. MENTIONED: Mali & Joe's website The Soulmate Experience The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships The Soulmate Lover: A Guide to Passionate and Lasting Love, Sex, and Intimacy Mali & Joe's YouTube channel Turkey to New Years: 35 Day Challenge (Facebook event) Jessie's website: Jessie Rose Strength & Health Gay & Katie Hendricks If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear and jealousy in marriage/love relationships! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

COMPETING IN A RELATIONSHIP Competition is wonderful in many ways. However, when we get stuck in habitual patterns of a competitive mindset, it can bring stress and strain to our lives and romantic relationships. A competitive mindset assumes limited resources and opportunities, resulting in an "I have to get mine" attitude. Being in a competitive mindset can lead to a survival mentality. You begin to think that in order to win, you have to beat others – survival of the fittest. This is also a fear based mindset. When fear sets in, we start to view the world differently. NEGATIVE BASIS From an evolutionary standpoint, humans are prone to having a negative basis. Having a negative basis helps us pay attention to negative and painful events so that we will learn and be more prepared to handle threats. In doing so, we may be able to better protect ourselves. The downside to this negative basis is that it's easy to overlook our strengths, assets, resources, and opportunities because all of our attention is focused on the negative. When we focus on the negative, it is easy to become reactive and more fearful, responding to situations from a protective and competitive approach. When we emphasize the negative, we miss the whole picture. HOW DO YOU MOVE FROM COMPETITION TO CREATIVITY IN A RELATIONSHIP? How do you begin to shift your mindset? The most personal and profound way that I know is through Gratitude. As we shift our attention to what we are grateful for, we will recognize more positivity for that we have been previously overlooking or ignoring. We will acknowledge more resources and opportunities in our partnership. We will begin to feel more relaxed and more regulated. We feel empowered and less threatened, and we start believing in a more generative outcome. "Abilities wither under faultfinding, blossom under encouragement." ~ Donald A. Laird EXERCISE FOR WAYS TO BE CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP Start with your own inner universe. Can you think of an area in your love life where you are feeling constricted, competitive, or fearful? Notice how you feel. Now, shift your attention to something you are grateful for. Take a moment to stay with the gratitude. Do you notice a shift? WHAT STOPS US FROM BEING CREATIVE IN A RELATIONSHIP? Cultivating an environment of appreciation often doesn't come naturally and easily. Many of us do not express appreciation to our partner because: We think it is childish. It feels awkward and unfamiliar. We assume we are stating the obvious. We forget. We think it is cliché. HOW TO SHOW GRATITUDE IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP When we share our appreciation in a romantic relationship, it has a powerful impact on others. Appreciation is the expression of gratitude. 5 to 1 John Gottman, a psychologist and researcher, offers a formula for happy relationships. He claims that for every negative expression in a relationship (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive expressions (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude) to counter balance the mindset. Ideas to Express Gratitude in a Relationship: Ask your partner to share one thing they are grateful for and then give one appreciation to them. Get out some paper and pens. Set a timer for 3 mins. Ask your partner to try and come up with 100 things they are grateful for. Then, invite her/him to share one or as many they are comfortable with sharing. MENTIONED The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John Gottman (book) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving the quality of your romantic relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please post one by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

OVERCOMING FEAR IN RELATIONSHIPS As a former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has now become an internationally renowned blogger, life and relationship coach and public speaker after hurling himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationships over and over and over again. With a Masters Degree in Human Relations and massive insight gleaned through countless adventures, Bryan now coaches men, women and couples in creating thriving lives and relationships. In this episode, Bryan talks with us about his article "You're Ready For All of Her, You're a Goddamn Warrior." He encourages us to recognize how easily we can buy into the story that our achievements and accomplishments determine our worth. When we rely on external validation, we lose our center and crumble with every criticism. He inspires us to let go of our fear for love relationships and connect with our deepest purpose – Self Love. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Bryan addresses the: Story that your external accomplishments and achievements are what define your worth. False self-truth: "If I don't have money, I am not worthy of love." Paradox between caring too much and not caring. Feminine energy is often inviting the masculine energy to come into heart. Beautiful process for navigating the masculine or navigating the feminine. "We are missing the deepest truth about what we are here to do, that is to serve love. ~ Bryan Reeves" MENTIONED: Choose Her Every Day (Or Leave Her) (blog) You're Ready For All of Her, You're a Goddamn Warrior (blog) Bryan Reeves' website If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming fear in relationships! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

GOOD INTENTIONS IN A RELATIONSHIP Stuart Fensterheim, LCSW has been a couples counselor for over 30 years. He graduated with a Master of Social Work in 1985 from the University of Maryland and specializes with couples using EFT. He believes that with a power of love and relationships as the basis of all of our happiness, and without a connected relationship, people suffer in their lives. Stuart's focus is on changing the world one relationship at a time. Stuart is also the host of The Couples Expert Podcast. In this episode, Stuart talks with us about how to be more create good intentions in a relationship, especially when we are having hurt feelings or issues with our partner. He identifies the importance of rethinking our negative interpretations so that we can set the stage for more connection in our love relationships. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) Stuart recommends these practices for setting an intention for a relationship: Question your negative interpretations of your partner. Ask yourself, "how does this interpretation help?" Take control of your assumptions. Take a risk and work to disprove your assumptions. Be open and vulnerable about your relationship needs. Recognize "primal pain" or hurt that gets activated in a love relationship. Communicate to show your partner how much they mean to you. MENTIONED: The Couples Expert Podcast (iTunes) Stuart Fensterheim's Website If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for being interested in setting good intentions in a relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet your relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Last week, I talked about Why Criticism Is So Painful In Relationship and why criticism is so problematic. I addressed what is happening when we get stuck in cycles of criticism and defensiveness in your love relationship. Today, I talk about How To Shift Criticism Into Powerful Communication, and I have two resources to give to you. (These are Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) 1-PAGE RELATIONSHIP GUIDE: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship (visit www.drjessicahiggins.com). This 1-page relationship guide is a quick and easy reference tool for transforming constant criticism in a relationship. It offers a side-by-side comparison of what a critical approach looks like versus a more constructive approach. Most of us know being critical is not the best approach, but we do not know what to do instead. This relationship guide is helpful because it gives you examples of what you can do instead of being critical. There are 21 examples provided on this 1-page PDF. Example: Let's say I don't want to eat dessert for 3 weeks. If my goal is to feel healthy and have more energy, I will want to know how I can work towards that goal. While I know I don't want to eat any dessert, I don't know what TO do instead of eating dessert. It is helpful to think about what I am going to do ahead of time, so when I get a craving, I will be more prepared. When I have a craving, instead of eating a dessert I can: Drink a glass of water Ask myself, "what am I really wanting right now?" I might be tired and want a nap. I might feel lethargic and need a walk. I might feel lonely and want to call a friend. Eat a piece of fruit It is important to think about these strategies ahead of time. In the moment, we are not going to be thinking about alternative ways of approaching the situation. What are the qualities you want in your relationship, especially if there is constant criticism? What is the result you want to achieve? Describe your ideal relationship environment (i.e. a relationship that is constructive, safe, supportive, encouraging, etc.). 17 WAYS TO SHIFT CRITICISM IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP: In this article, 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship, I offer 17 different strategies for you to consider to shift your critical behavior. Whereas the relationship guide (mentioned above) is more of a reference tool, this is an article that offers explanations to the suggestions and recommendations. Underneath critical behavior, there are usually a few themes going on. Here are three: 1. Learned habits and patterning. 2. Not feeling good enough 3. Not trusting needs will be met HOW TO REPLACE CRITICISM WITH CONSTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR Both the 1-page resource guide: Shifting Criticism To Maintain A Healthy Relationship and article: 17 Ways to Shift Criticism In Your Relationship provide several suggestions and examples of how to replace criticism with constructive behavior. Here are three ways to work with what might be going on underneath the critical tendency: 1. Reset your critical imprint. Identify the people in your life that were critical. Choose to adopt a different mindset and create new habits. Retrain yourself through repetition and practice. 2. Develop more self-worth. Foster a supportive inner voice. Attend to your fears and difficult emotions in a nurturing way (i.e. anxiety and anger). Look for ways to acknowledge and appreciate yourself and your contributions. Gain the belief that you are good enough and worthy. 3. Identifying your needs and ask your partner proactively for what you need and want. In last week's episode, I provided examples of how to turn a critical comment into a proactive statement. This requires developing some assertiveness. Also, here is a communication exercise that will provide guidance for these types of conversations. Only when we feel comfortable with our own choices — and embrace our own imperfections — will we stop feeling the driving need to criticize others. ~ Brene Brown Powerful communication begins to occur when we can put these more constructive approaches into practice. Imagine how your relationship would be different if: You felt respected, valued, worthy within your relationship You and your partner were in the practice of asking one another for what you want and need, within conversations that are productive and harmonious. You and your partner work together to create outcomes that are mutually beneficial. Your relationship environment is constructive, positive, and considerate. You and your partner are growing and learning together so that you can continue to develop a strong, secure, and loving relationship. 7 DAY CHALLENGE – AN INVITATION: 1. Download the 1-page guide: visit www.drjessicahiggins.com 2. Choose one strategy to work with for one week. Select a constructive approach to focus on and implement. When you catch yourself feeling critical, use this constructive approach instead of the critical one. This can be don

CONSTANT CRITICISM IN RELATIONSHIP IS SO PAINFUL Most of us know that criticism is not the best behavior to use when relating to our significant others. Yet, we still struggle with it and resorting to the approach when we're unhappy. When we feel challenged by something, it is easy to address the issue by complaining or criticizing. In this podcast, I provide explanations why we criticize the ones we love the most. If you recognize ways in which you might be critical, try to make an internal shift to have an attitude of exploration. Ask yourself "how come I get critical sometimes?" Usually, we learn how to be critical along the way from our family or friends. We do the best we can, but we don't have a better way of addressing our concerns. In my recent article, How To Know If You Are Too Critical In Relationship And Why, I offered 10 signs to identify whether or not you may be more critical than you think. In the article, I addressed 16 reasons why people are highly critical, which will help you understand the reasons why you might be critical too. (Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) 3 OF THE 10 SIGNS OF BEING CRITICAL: You are very critical of yourself when you make a mistake (i.e. what do you automatically tell yourself when you make a mistake?). If you are highly critical of yourself, then you are likely to be more critical of others. Examples: "What an idiot! Ugh, I suck! I can't do anything nice. So stupid." You micromanage. You have a hard time letting go. If your partner didn't complete a task in your preferred way, you will go afterward and fix it to your liking. It is easier to find fault than praise. You will find the flaw rather than focus on the positives. "I give feedback; you're critical. I'm firm; you're stubborn. I'm flexible; you're wishy-washy. I'm in touch with my feelings; you're hysterical!" ~ Steven Stosny 3 OF THE 16 REASONS WHY YOU MIGHT BE CRITICAL: You think if you can manage the world around you, you'll feel less anxious and/or vulnerable (or out-of-control). It is hard to look inward at your own internal discomfort (i.e. feeling anxious or not good enough). Being critical of others helps you feel in power and dominant focusing on others weaknesses or shortcomings. You grew up in a critical environment, and it was learned behavior. WHY CRITICISM IS PROBLEMATIC IN A LOVE RELATIONSHIP: Criticism is expressed through disapproval, critiquing, correcting, blaming, nitpicking, or trying to fix your partner. It is also a major predictor of divorce, according to John Gottman, a major couples researcher. Criticism is usually the culprit of other destructive behaviors. When someone hears criticism, they have a natural response to feel defensive or to shut down. In more extreme cases, criticism leads to feelings of hurt and disdain. "Even in stable, happy relationships: When conflict begins with hostility, defensive sequences result" ~ John M. Gottman How do we get into this mess? Many of us lead with a complaint or criticism when we talk to our partner about a concern. However, underneath the complaint or criticism, we have an important need, feeling, or desire. Many of us are sensitive to criticism. Being criticized brings up feelings of feeling bad, being in the wrong, inadequacy, shame, hurt, injustice, etc. We get defensive and push back on the critical statement, by providing evidence as to why the critical statement is not true. EXAMPLE: Husband: "You never clean the kitchen." Wife: "Yes, I do. I just cleaned the kitchen last night." Husband: "Sure, you cleaned the kitchen once and you expect that to mean you carry your load." Wife: "What! You don't think I carry the load in our family." Now they are off and running. As you can see, the conversation is escalating quickly. The couple is reacting and defending, which could easily lead to attacking each other. Yet, they are not addressing the underlying needs or concerns. Over and over again, I see examples of this being played out in love relationships. The complaint or criticism could be about a whole number of issues, like: Amount of time spent together The quality or quantity of the sexual connection How decisions are getting made Financial approach, process, and standing Chores and responsibilities Handling extended family, etc. One person addresses a concern without knowing what their underlying need is and they approach their partner by criticizing them. Their partner gets defensive and the cycle ensues. They are missing each other. They are not talking about the most important aspects of the issue. Thus, the conversation escalates and both partners leave the conversation feeling attacked, misunderstood, and lonely. This dynamic can be particularly difficult when one or both partners are feeling threatened on a deeper level. Feeling threatened can activate a person's fight, flight, or freeze response as well as attachment insecurities. The importance of the need can vary in inte

Getting a "no" can be incredibly painful as it can bring up rejection issues in relationships. In this podcast episode, you will learn what happens when you get a frequent "no" in a love relationship and how you can deal with that "no" in a more healthy and non-threatening way. (Show Notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) WHAT IS A "NO?" Emotionally checking out or emotionally leaving the relationship Ultimatums and doubts, such as "yes – but" Break-up or divorce WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE GET A "NO" People feel triggered and activated by love. People don't know how to deal with their reactions so they behave unskillfully. People don't have a growth mindset – where they can see their love relationship as an opportunity for healing, integration, or development. HOW TO DEAL WITH REJECTION IN LOVE RELATIONSHIPS Know yourself – better understand what you desire and what you want. Value yourself – value your worth, qualities, and contributions. Be a "yes" to you – accept and stand for what you want and desire. MENTIONED: Enchanted Love, by Marianne Williamson (book) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship (article) Nine Destructive Behaviors To Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in eliminating rejection issues in your love relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

LISTENING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP Applying listening skills in an intimate relationship is not realistic in every moment you are together. However, if you can show up for your partner on occasion (especially when they have strong feelings about something) then this type of deep listening can transform the quality of your relationship, helping you feel closer, connected, and more intimate. It's easy to think you are listening but are you really? When you know your partner so well, it is likely you can look at them and read their cues and have a pretty good sense of what is going on. However, if you don't pause to deeply listen, you can get into the position of assuming or missing your partner completely. (This page contains my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips.) LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP IS NOT: Waiting to talk Interrupting Judging or evaluating Offering advice or solutions Agreeing or disagreeing Assuming you know Multitasking, being distracted, or preoccupied HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: Offer your undivided attention, where your focus is exclusively on your partner and you are giving your full attention Give good eye contact Be engaged and offer non-verbal cues (i.e. head nodding, utterances) Be present – focus on the here and now Be available and receptive Offer genuine interest and curiosity Be patient Appreciate your partner's perspective Seek to understand and look for the sense and positive aspect. BENEFITS OF LISTENING SKILLS IN RELATIONSHIP: Keeps you from getting defensive Helps you suspend judgement Prevents misunderstandings Helps you gain new information, as well as learn something new Offers the opportunity to find a shared goal or common ground Helps your partner know they will feel heard and understood Helps your partner feel important, special, and that they matter to you Demonstrates you are there for them Creates intimacy, closeness, and strengthens the emotional bond Offers goodwill HOW TO LISTEN BETTER IN A RELATIONSHIP: Ask for the time Be explicit and state your desire for listening – don't want feedback or suggestions. Do not interrupt your partner's activity and expect or demand that they listen immediately. You want to offer respect and consideration while asking for a moment of their time. If your partner is wanting your attention right away and you need more time to respond, state that you need a moment to think about it. Try to listen only when you are in a good position. If you have limited energy to give, schedule another time. HOW TO OFFER ACTIVE LISTENING IN RELATIONSHIP. HERE ARE SOME RESPONSES TO CONSIDER: "I am interested in what you are saying, would you like to say more? Can you tell me more?" Ask a question to learn more. Offer reflection of the content and emotion. "Wow, that sounds frustrating." "I am getting that ______." Check out what you are hearing, or clarify "So, you are saying is ___________." "If I imagine myself in that situation, I would feel ________________." "What is the hardest part? What is the most significant part to you?" "What are you really wanting me to get?" "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ― Maya Angelou If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to listen better in a relationship! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

HOW TO BALANCE WORK AND LOVE LIFE These are my podcast show notes: Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Last week, I interviewed Dr. Jenev Caddell, She specializes in helping entrepreneurs balance work and relationships. She talked about the importance of making your relationship a priority, especial during busy work times. Today, I would like to share a few more tips. Today, I would like to go into a little more depth. Here are some tips to consider: 1. TRUST Find a balance between security and growth. Security allows you to take risks and grow. Being resourced Reassurance ("This is temporary. We are going to get through this.") Belief ("We love each other. We are strong.") 2. COMMUNICATION "I'm not going to be as available for a period of time" Talk about ways to work together Be mindful about checking in and inviting communication 3. AGREEMENTS Negotiate new agreements for clear expectations Follow through with your commitments (commit to less) Say things like, "Let me know if this isn't working for you." Say other things like, "Let me know when you need me" 4. EFFORT Demonstrate regard, consideration, and care when you can Be conscious of your actions and contributions Say words of acknowledgment Make time to be present Give your undivided attention 5. AWARENESS OF STRESS Reference the Stress Response Curve Recognize your cues –emotionally (irritable, quick to anger, overwhelmed), mentally (distracted, preoccupied), physically(shortness of breath, muscle tension, bumping into things, accident prone), socially (less connected and close, less positive interactions) Work to destress and find balance Do Self-care (sleep, nutrition, physical activity) Take breaks (time to disconnect, get away, get some perspective) Be aware of your breathing patterns 6. RECONNECT Allow time (not going to happen right away) Communicate desire Be available Be patient Debrief Appreciate one another FREE VIDEO SERIES: Gain Instant Access to the 7 Biggest Pitfalls To Relationship Success & How To Overcome Them – Free Video. MENTIONED: Learn more about the Five Love Languages (article) The 5 Love Languages, By Gary Chapman (book) The Holmes-Rahe Life Stress Inventory (assessment) Making And Keeping Agreements To Strengthen Your Relationship (podcast) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to balance your work and love life! I believe in your relationship success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

BALANCING WORK AND RELATIONSHIPS These are my podcast show Notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Dr. Jenev Caddell is a love & success coach and clinical psychologist who helps entrepreneurs be happier in love. She believes that entrepreneurs are responsible for changing the world, and with rock solid relationships, they can do this even more effectively. Jenev is the author of Your Best Love: The Couples Workbook and Guide to Their Best Relationship and founder of www.mybestrelationship.com. In this podcast episode, Dr. Jenev Caddell talks with us about the new science of love and connection. She shares important tips on how to strengthen your bond and how to make your relationship a priority, thus bringing a balance of work and relationships. Jevev helps us explore the question "ARE you there for me?" Accessibility – are you reachable and available? Responsiveness – are you responding to your partner? Engaged – are you emotionally present for your partner? When you can answer "yes" to these questions with your partner, you can build a solid and strong foundation together as a couple. FREE VIDEO SERIES: Gain Instant Access to the 7 Biggest Pitfalls To Relationship Success & How To Overcome Them – Free Video. MENTIONED: The Significance Of Your Significant Other (article) Soothing the Threatened Brain (video) Hold Me Tight (book) Still Face Experiment (video) Thriving In Business And Love (Facebook Group) If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in balancing work and relationships! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

OVERCOMING LIFE CHALLENGES AND DIFFICULT TIMES These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Bruce Van Horn is a dad, bestselling author, speaker, thought leader, transformational life coach, business owner, marathon runner, and cancer conqueror. He is also the host of "Life Is A Marathon," a popular internet radio show (podcast) with listeners in over 187 countries around the world. Bruce loves sharing his life experiences and respected insight to help people overcome life challenges and difficult times. Bruce loves people and loves coaching them to become the fullest expression of who they were created to be. He lives in Richmond, Virginia. In this episode, Bruce teaches us some critical keys to overcoming life challenges and difficult times. He shares his personal adversity story in great depth, with authenticity, and whole-heartedness. Gain Instant Access to Relationship Skills No One Ever Taught You – Free Video Series. MENTIONED: Bruce Van Horn Life Is A Marathon Worry No More! 4 Steps to Stop Worrying and Start Living If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in overcoming life challenges and difficult times! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN THAT MAKE RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGING. These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Kathryn Foster, Ph.D. is a psychologist in private practice in Ft Worth, Texas.With a masters degree in marriage family counseling and a Ph.D. in Psychology, she has practiced psychotherapy for 27 years. She is also the author of two novels of psychological interest- Sessions: Memoirs of a Psychotherapist and Finding My Way. She has written two nonfiction companion books to The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance). They are What Women Want….Really! (written for men but meant to be read by couples) and When Your Relationship Changes (how to find strength). GET MY FREE EBOOK: 7 COMMON RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS AND HOW TO FIX THEM Instant Access COMMON FOR MEN: High in testosterone Hunters Lower in empathy Less verbal communication Sex is emotional closeness COMMON FOR WOMEN: High in oxytocin Nurturers and care givers High in empathy More verbal communication Language helps to feel emotionally close. Dr. Kathryn Foster talks with us about some very important biological and hormonal differences between men and women, which impacts our language, emotions, needs, and desires in relationship. All of these difference influence the way we seek connection and what we expect in a relationship. Women primarily want to feel emotionally close through talking and sharing, and men primarily want to feel emotionally close through sexual intimacy. MENTIONED: Dr. Kathryn Foster The Naked Truth About Men (And Romance) What Women Want….Really!: A pocketbook guide for men The Sex Starved Marriage – TED Talk If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how should a man act in a relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or getting some relationship coaching.

HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. On the episode, I mentioned a free gift for how to improve your relationship. Click on the button below to get my free Ebook. SEND ME A FREE GUIDE THIS PODCAST EPISODE IS A RESPONSE TO A QUESTION ASKED BY KEN, A LISTENER: "If you struggle with what the "folks" go through, what chance do we have? You are the bastion of knowledge and I would presume you have the skills to handle situations as they arise." Here's my answer: 1. HAVING SKILL DOESN'T TAKE AWAY THE DISCOMFORT. Having skill and expertise doesn't alleviate someone from having to go through the growth process in a romantic relationship. For example, a female OB/GYN physician has the skill, training, and expertise for delivering babies. However, if she gets pregnant, she is still going to have to go through the labor pain of giving birth just like any other mother. Being educated, trained, and experienced doesn't take away the pain of growth in a relationship. Growth in a relationship often provides certain rites of passage. We have to learn and accomplish certain tasks before we can move to the next stage of love and relationship growth. Developmental Stages In Relationship (article). Stages Of Intimacy On Life Is A Marathon, with Bruce Van Horn (podcast). 2. BELIEVE IN THE LONG-TERM RESULT. Know that there is good to be gained on the other side of the current relationship challenge. Believe in the opportunity for relationship growth – more closeness, connection, and intimacy. Also, believe in personal growth, which allows for greater strength, wisdom, and character. Having a relationship model to believe in is helpful. Many of us do not have a good model for how to improve a relationship, in that we do not want to model our relationship after examples we see in the media or within our communities. Having a relationship model provides the opportunity and awareness that there is something greater beyond any current relationship challenge or circumstance. You are more prone for relationship success if you want the long-term result more than the immediate relief of discomfort. 3. BELIEVE IN THE PROCESS. TRUST THE PROCESS. Often, what we resist persists. Trying to fight the challenge only causes more pain. We might have the impulse to doubt and give up, but if we trust the process, then we are much more willing to stay the course. Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.-Alan Cohen 4. DECIDE Do you have enough evidence to know the old ways do not work? Commit to self. Not to partner. Practice. Over and over again. Commit to the path of learning how to improve your relationship. 3. DEAL WITH THE DISCOMFORT It is normal to feel uncomfortable. However, you can't avoid the discomfort. You can try to ignore it, but it will not go away. You can try to fight it, but it will not go away. Befriend the process. The more comfortable you can be with being uncomfortable, the more comfortable you will be. Deal with the unknown. Gather resources. We are all on the path of growth in life and relationship. MENTIONED: Podcast series in how to deal with difficult conversations with your significant other. Episode 24 Episode 25 Episode 26 Episode 28 Episode 29 If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to improve your relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching with me.

HOW TO KEEP THE SPARK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Experts in sexual energy + long-lasting committed partnerships, Drs. Rob + Janelle Alex, Ph.D. are mentoring couples around the globe. They are best selling authors, speakers, and hosts of the Mission Date Night podcast. Being passionate about the secret intelligence of relationships, secret animal powers, and transcendent lovemaking, Rob and Janelle are obliterating long-standing relationships myths. HOW TO RESPARK YOUR RELATIONSHIP: Keep the "mystery" going. Stay invested in your individual growth. Focus on the importance of nurturing your relationship. MISSION DATE NIGHT OFFERS YOU A CHALLENGE TO: Work together. Be playful. Be creative. Learn together. Let go together. THINGS TO DO TO KEEP THE SPARK IN A RELATIONSHIP: Emotional connection supports great sexual intimacy. An amazing sex life supports your emotional connection. Relationship is the greatest opportunity to grow. Sexuality has the opportunity to open you spirituality. MENTIONED: Mission Date Night Mission Date Night Podcast Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil, by Jenny Wade, PhD. If you have a topic you would like me to discuss or a situation you would like me to speak to, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in how to keep the spark in your relationship! I believe in your success! Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review if you would be willing to click here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to meet relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

COMMON MARRIAGE ISSUES PART II These are my podcast show notes. Be sure to listen to the full episode to hear stories, examples, and more tips. Over the last several weeks, I have been addressing a listener's question. She essentially asked, "What do you do when you have gotten into a pattern of not avoiding the Nine Destructive Behaviors in relationship conflict? Also, how do you deal with past hurts in communication as well?" To answer her question, I first addressed The Most Important Ingredient To Shifting Conflicts. In my next podcast, I talked about Being The Best You Can Be In Relationship. The third podcast, I discussed How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship. Last week, I talked about How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner. I discussed examples of common marriage issues and the 7 important elements to successful communication- when you have an issue with your partner. I mentioned this exercise titled A Step-By-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication. Today, I am continuing the conversation of How To Clear An Issue With Your Partner. 1. DO YOUR INDIVIDUAL PREPARATION WORK. Get clear within yourself first. What is your concern or issue? How do you feel? What is your need or desire? Getting clear will be helpful to you when you communicate and it will be tremendously helpful to your partner as well. Being clear will help your communication be more effective and efficient. You will be able to allocate more time and energy to create a positive outcome. It is okay to want space to explore your feelings with your significant other. However, I would let "being listened to" be the goal for the first conversation. It may be too much to address the process of exploring how you feel AND then to try and resolve your concerns all in one sitting. This is especially true if your partner has a limited capacity to process with you (i.e. not their natural style of communication). Sometimes gender differences play a role in this aspect of communication. Men stereotypically have a difficult time with long process-oriented style of communication. If you are interested in taking some time to get clear before addressing an issue with your partner, here is a good reference tool. 2. SCHEDULE TIME TO MEET. Ask your spouse for some time to talk. Getting your partner's permission ahead of time will help set the conversation up for success. Your partner will be more engaged and willing to participate when there is an agreement rather than an imposition. Being on the same page with your agreement will help promote clear communication and reduces expectations, demands, overwhelm and disappointment. 3. IDENTIFY THE TERMS. What is your intention as a couple (i.e. clear communication, understanding)? What is your individual goal (i.e. perspective taking, learning, empathy)? What is your intention for self-accountability (i.e. try to have an open mind)? Create safety. At any point, you and your partner can stop the conversation. You can revisit the conversation when you are both ready to re-engage. Plan for an estimated amount of time (i.e. 30 min to 50 mins). You can always plan for another time. Choose one topic to address. Stay with the one topic. If more topics come up, take a note and schedule more time in the future. 4. MANAGE YOUR LEVEL OF DEFENSIVENESS. Recognize your window of opportunity. Strive to remain open, calm, and present. Be honest when you are starting to get triggered and defensive. Take a break or end the conversation if you need to. What helps you refocus if you start to get defensive? What is the long-term result that you desire with your partner (i.e. more connection, strength, resolution, and closeness)? Respect is one of the greatest expressions of love. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz 5. PRACTICE THE COMMUNICATION EXERCISE. See this article for the full exercise. Decide who will share first and who will listen first. Person sharing speaks from a self-referenced place. See examples in full exercise. Person listening seeks to really understand, not to agree or condone. See examples in full exercise. Person sharing describes experience, feelings, needs and/or desires. Person listening reflects back what they hear, stays curious, and checks out what they hear to make sure they are getting the right understanding. Listener asks questions until a deeper understanding and learning has been gained. When the person sharing feels heard and understood, then you can switch roles. You may need a second meeting to fully complete the process. 6. GAIN A NEW UNDERSTANDING. By taking time with this exercise, you and your partner will most likely gain more understanding and perspective about each other's experience. The goal is to resolve common marriage issues by having a new learning and understanding- by postponing your position to really get into your partner's worldview. Once you have established a new understanding, you will be prepared to engage in a new level of communication. When you and your partner tr