The Overwhelmed Brain

Sometimes we can't help ourselves. Anger can come out of the blue and suddenly, we're hurting someone we care about. I received an email from someone who believes that sometimes you need people in your life to understand that you are going to get upset now and again, and they should be empathetic for your inability to control it. They have ADHD and have a challenge controlling the emotions that come up. What is the solution? Should those you love be more tolerant of hurtful behavior or should they put you in your place, telling you to stop or else?

If you have ever dealt with body image issues, this is an important episode that addresses the subject of someone who lost over 100 pounds and learned that people treated her much differently afterward, She was living the life she always wanted. Until she realized it wasn't only the pounds she lost. She lost something a lot deeper. And happiness didn't last. This is a special episode of The Overwhelmed Brain where I introduce you to an amazing podcast called A Slight Change of Plans. I'm going to play you a segment from an episode that I believe has a powerful life lesson for all of us. A Slight Change of Plans is hosted by Dr. Maya Shankar, who is a cognitive scientist that studies how our minds work and how we change. She hosts intimate conversations that give an unvarnished look into how people navigate changes of all kinds and use that change to ultimately grow. You'll hear little-known personal stories and reflections from familiar names, like Tiffany Haddish, Kacey Musgraves, and even former first lady Hillary Clinton. Tune into A Slight Change of Plans to hear extraordinary stories from real-life inspirations, like a young cancer researcher in the throes of a stage 4 diagnosis. Their stories and circumstances couldn't be more different, but they all share one thing in common: life threw them a (slight) change of plans. On this episode, Elna Baker shares a powerful story of personal and physical transformation that took a turn she didn't expect. After losing close to 100 pounds in five months. she realized she had lost herself in the process. You can hear more episodes of A Slight Change of Plans at: http://podcasts.pushkin.fm/overwhelmedbrain

Fears you learned to cope with in childhood can easily turn into dysfunctions as an adult. How you cope today makes a huge difference in what happens in your life and who you keep around in your life. Sometimes you can resolve a lot of problems by getting rid of useless dysfunctions. But sometimes you can utilize dysfunctions to your advantage. This is a packed episode.

The more you try to please a controlling person, the worse your life will get. Highly controlling people cannot be satisfied because people around them will never be able to do enough to meet their criteria. Even when you meet it, there'll be more you need to give. If you're dealing with a controlling person, this might be the episode for you.

Romantic relationships can create some of the most complex emotional challenges in your life. From heartful to heartache, from elated to deflated, relationships bring us through a roller coaster of emotions until we are either fulfilled or completely drained. It doesn't have to be that way. Sometimes the right tools and the right mindset can create relationships that don't have to be so difficult. In fact, they can be wonderful when you know how to deal with the challenges that show up.

It's a challenge to stay present for someone who is so down and out. Sometimes you go into your own "stuff" trying to help them with theirs. It's the curse of many highly sensitive people, and certainly difficult for almost any empathetic person. But there are ways to do this, and sometimes it's necessary if the person you are there for just can't get out of their upset.

We can create our own dysfunction but be so jaded by those around us that we can't think clearly enough to stop toxic or hurtful behavior. There's a time when you have to get away from other people so that the fog can lift and you can think clearly. It is during those times when a lot of healing can take place.

Many unresolved emotions sit outside the box of current thinking. Albert Einstein said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." When you aren't getting the results you want today, or you find yourself easily triggered by certain events or people, you may be carrying around old baggage that perhaps requires a level of thinking just outside the box. If you don't want to go outside that box, it could be why you're stuck.

When someone you care about leaves or dies, there is a space inside you where they used to be. Your identity was wrapped up with them. They were a part of you. And because of that, when they're gone, you can feel lost. You can feel lonely within even when you're around others. It's important to start filling that space with something that gives you meaning and purpose.

Where should you start when it comes to healing old stuff from the past? Should you do a deep dive into your childhood, bringing up all kinds of memories and traumas that you may or may not have repeated to therapists over and over again? Or should you talk about how it bothers you today and see if someone can help you gain a new perspective? What about skipping over the trauma and just looking at what behavior came out of it? There's a path you can take to reverse old emotional triggers just by doing something different to get a different result. If it sounds too easy, then you definitely need to listen to this episode.

There's a cause and effect to patterns of behavior that, if you don't recognize the relationship of those behaviors to the results you're getting, you may be creating results that you don't want. However, when you find out just what you're doing that might be causing you to sabotage your own happiness, you might be able to turn things around.

When the feelings of inadequacy overcome you, do you let them linger in the background? Do you repress them so that they come out in emotionally destructive ways later? Inadequacy usually has a source. We'll talk about that and a lot more in this packed episode.

A single thought can change everything. Your perception relies on your mindset which relies on your thoughts. This is a multi-faceted episode covering three different topics but reminding you of the importance of self-respect, creating access to inner resources, and how being around the wrong people can take away both.

Most people aren't taught emotional intelligence in their upbringing. And because of that, there are often lingering negative emotions hanging around inside us that might need to be addressed if we're going to experience a life without the burden of anxiety, depression, and emotional triggers. Getting out of anxiety and depression are often not easy tasks, but there is an angle I take today that might give you a good start.

Sometimes you have no idea why someone did something that hurt or affected you somehow, and you just have to know the reason. You may never find out because they won't share that reason. I call this an open loop. It's how we become obsessed with certain thoughts that we can't get closure for. When this happens, life can seem to stop, and anxiety and depression have a higher chance of starting. It's time to close the door on old thought patterns that only do us harm.

Part 2 of a two-part episode. Personal power, or empowerment, has a formula. That formula can lead to a much more enjoyable and fulfilling life. Knowing the formula is the first step but following it is an entirely different animal. In part two, I add more principles, or "commandments", to help you improve your life.

Personal power, or empowerment, has a formula. That formula can lead to a much more enjoyable and fulfilling life. Knowing the formula is the first step but following it is an entirely different animal. Let's talk about applying these principles, or "commandments", to your life.

About 90% of the people that reach out to me have a question about their romantic relationship. That makes sense because relationships can be complex and tricky to navigate. In this episode, I tackle four relationship questions and share some of the lessons I've learned over the years in my own life. For more guidance on difficult relationships, head over to loveandabuse.com

Whether it's the jerk at work or that one person in your family that just doesn't like you, rude and intimidating people can be found in any corner of the world (and under many rocks). In this episode, I share seven suggestions that will help you counter those behaviors and perhaps even make some of these people start respecting you again.

Getting comfortable in your own skin is more than developing confidence and facing the fear and doing it anyway. Confidence is one component. There is also self-worth, self-esteem, self-compassion, and self-love that needs to occur so that even if the most hurtful person tries to criticize you or put you down, you will know yourself so well that it will be impossible to believe what they are saying about you. To stop self-sabotage, check out the workbook here: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/stop-self-sabotage/

Passive-aggressive people have a knack for making you feel bad without you even realizing they're making you feel bad. Their covert methods are designed to poke at your emotions like tiny emotional daggers. If you want to thwart their often hurtful behavior, it's vital to take them out of ambiguity and into the details. This might be the scariest episode ever for the passive-aggressive person in your life.

Your sexual history is yours, but some people like to make it a big deal and cause you to feel guilt or shame for things you did long ago. Whether you regret what you did in the past shouldn't make a difference because it's your past and no one else's. Other people need to keep their eyes off of your rearview mirror and put their focus on the road right in front of them.

If you gave yourself a +1 for every empowered decision you made and a -1 for decisions made that avoided consequences, would you be abundant in personal power or in deficit? Every decision you make and every action you take every day either adds to your power or depletes it. It's important to be conscious of this as those 1's can add up quickly! You just want to make sure you're going in the right direction more often than not.

It's one thing to be afraid to fall off your bike. It's another to never consider riding one just in case you fall. The fear of failing can be imagined as so traumatic and painful to some that they literally do nothing instead. As you know, doing nothing leaves you in a rut. It is the fastest way to go nowhere. Maybe it's time to learn to redefine failure and learn what success actually feels like.

If you want a toxic person to change, it will probably never happen. However, there is something you can do to change the course of the relationship that may actually cause them to act differently. Sometimes you gotta make rules that guide toxic people to healthier behavior.

When you have emotional reactions that you don't want to have toward someone you care about, you probably try to control yourself but fail. Because of that, the pattern repeats itself over and over again until you heal from some past event or shift your perception so much that what used to bother you simply disappears. That shift is possible.

Do you form authentic relationships by being the real you, or do you only show people what you believe they want to see? What are the risks of showing up as the real you? It may be worth taking a risk to find that out.

If you make the right decisions ahead of time, you can prevent overwhelm from being a normal part of life. It's a matter of making decisions that are in alignment with who you are at the deepest level. When you don't, anything goes.

You can be around people that mistreat you, call you names, and are just downright nasty, and you could still be responsible for your own suffering because of how they show up in your life. It's vital you know the role you play and if you have a choice other than the one you're making in certain situations otherwise you could find yourself in a whirlwind of hurt that might be completely avoidable.

We bring our insecurities with us everywhere we go. To work, to appointments, to our relationship, and everywhere else that might bring a sense of fear into our lives. It's important to address what you are insecure about so it doesn't become a challenge that you have to repeat over and over again. It's not required that you overcome your insecurities, but it sure makes life easier.

Some people might say you overreact and sometimes you agree with them but can't figure out how to stop doing it. If you find yourself reacting as if you were in fight or flight, it's time to get a grip on your emotional triggers and change the patterns that create those reactions in the first place.

Empowerment means having choices and some level of control over the results you get in your life. Disempowerment, as you know, is quite the opposite. In my book, The Overwhelmed Brain: Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers, I take you along the path from disempowered to empowered. In this episode, I summarize the path so that you can get a good start.

Are arguments ever productive? You may not like to do it (I know I don't) but if done right, you can release a lot of negative energy and you might even get to some core issues that need to be addressed. Addressing the core issues is so much healthier than carrying around negativity that drip feeds into the relationship in destructive ways.

What if you could tell someone something that was bothering you but present it in a way that didn't seem confrontational? If you have a fear of confrontation, perhaps this is the episode you need to make a shift that takes you out of the fear and into empowerment.

Every important memory has an emotion attached to it. The negative ones almost always stand out more than the positive ones, so it's important to determine which emotions are useful and which aren't. Knowing the difference can make the difference in how happy you are.

Some people walk around with an underlayer of negativity that doesn't necessarily affect their lives but does affect their level of comfort and happiness. If you find that you talk down to yourself and just can't seem to get past the negative feeling you're carrying around, this episode will help you ask the right questions so that you can start, and maybe even finish, some healing you need to go through.

If you make bad decisions or keep getting results you don't want, it's time to tackle that problem once and for all. If you aren't making decisions based on what's most important to you at the deepest level, you may drive off the cliff one too many times.

Some people are just difficult to be around. They display toxic or hurtful behaviors and they never seem to want to change even when they know you're bothered. You have a choice in how you respond to others. And the choice you make will have an effect on what behavior you get in the future. That's an important choice! And it's also a great topic to talk about today.

Negative events from the past get encoded into our brain so that when we recall them, we can usually remember about when they happened. Because of that, we can actually use time to our advantage to help feel better about those memories, and maybe even get rid of the residual emotional triggers altogether.

There are mental tools you should have in your toolbelt when dealing with snarky or hurtful people. Their goal might be to make you feel bad or guilty, so you may need to find a way to disarm them so that when they try to hurt you with their words, they become confused when you don't react the way you used to. This episode will provide some tools to make communication with toxic people a bit easier while also keeping your power.

Your mental health is too important to let those in denial ignore your suffering and invalidate your experience. The solution to someone's ignorance could be to put the harsh truth in their face. Or it could be to just accept that some people will always be blissfully unaware or in full denial. Acceptance that you can't get through to everyone might be the one reality you can rely on.

There are a lot of unknowns in life. Some unknowns have answers, some don't. Some do, but the person who knows the answers won't share them with you. This episode is about those people and how to deal with the limbo state you might get in when you want the answers but can't get them, and may never get them. You can't walk around in frustration, confusion, and limbo all the time. There has to be a doorway out of those states and it's time to find that door and walk through it. For more episodes, visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/

Carrying around emotional baggage weighs you down. It's no way to live. Yet millions of people do live this way. Carrying this kind of weight around with you all your life can keep you from happiness, at least to the extent that it could be experienced if you were able to process and release that old baggage. In this episode, I talk about some of the concepts of self-care and personal growth to help you start the journey of letting go of what no longer serves you.

Some loved ones really want to help you through your challenges. There are those that listen and support you and meet you where you are. Then there are those that have good intentions but fail miserably. It's not that their incompetent, but it could be that they simply have no clue what they're talking about. For more episodes, visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com

The level of happiness and fulfillment you feel on a day to day basis can change based on many factors. One of those factors has to do with the ability to make hard decisions that may involve big changes that you're not ready to face. The fear and pain associated with change can often prevent us from doing what we need to do to increase our quality of life. However, sometimes the lesson is that in order to reach a higher level of satisfaction in life, it might involve scary steps you don't want to take. For more episodes, visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com

You don't want to take the blame but it sure seems like you take it more often than you should. Perhaps there's something a bit more covert going on that you need to know about. In this episode, learn how some people have mastered the art of painting you into a corner. And learn how to counter it too. Visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/ for more episodes.

Have you ever really learned who you are at a deeper level? Sometimes we walk around doing the things we're supposed to do, but rarely stop to figure out who is doing those things. In this episode, I read an email from a woman who never got a chance to learn who she is because of narcissistic parents telling her who she is all her life. Now that she's a wife and mom, she feels lost. If you're lost, it's time to find yourself. Visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/ for more episodes.

Are you more judgmental toward those you love? Today I talk about how your judgments can dissolve the love in your relationship and what to do to heal from being judgmental. The road to healing from judging others can be challenging, but the rewards are too rich to pass up. For more episodes, visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/

Some people have a strange way of balancing their lives. Some folks will pick up a hobby or hang out with friends. But others may take a darker route. They'll betray their partner or become addicted to drugs or alcohol. You may not see that as balance, but for some people, that's how they get it. There are of course healthier ways to balance your life & your relationships, but in this episode, we're going to talk about the less popular ones. For more episodes, visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/

Sometimes honoring yourself around others feels confrontational. The reason is because you may not have honored yourself in front of certain people, so they may not have ever seen you show such self-respect and self-compassion before. If that's the case, you might have to ease others into this new you so that they have an opportunity to adapt. Sometimes this works, other times, you get to find out exactly what they really want from you. Visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/ for more episodes.