PsycHacks

Many of the folks I speak to are dissatisfied, despite having a job, a relationship, and a decent standard of living. Most often, the source of this dissatisfaction is the gnawing suspicion that they could do better. That said, many worry about letting go of a decent option, because they simultaneously fear that they won't. In this episode, I discuss my mantra for resisting the urge to settle: if you can do it once, you can do it twice.

The Buddha once commented that one of the characteristics of reality is that it is inherently unsatisfactory. Life can be infuriating, heartbreaking, and disappointing. However, focusing on these issues is not a testament to your discernment, intelligence, or creativity. This is because finding problems is easy. To distinguish yourself socially and professionally, make a commitment to look for solutions. Not only will this provide a path forward, but it will help you to distinguish yourself as an extraordinary individual.

In the Bhagavad Gita, the god Krishna tells the warrior Arjuna that "we have a right to our labor, but not to the fruits of our labor." This can be a bitter pill to swallow. We would like to believe that we live in a universe that rewards effort, and that sufficient sacrifice will guarantee the result we desire. However, that's not the universe we live in. On the other side of this delusion lies a true capacity for process orientation and deliverance from outcome dependency.

As a therapist, I occasionally hear people balk at the cost of therapy. However, the alternative can be significantly more expensive. On average, Americans wait ten years to contact a therapist about an emotional or psychological problem. This is an extraordinarily long time to potentially suffer unnecessarily. How much would you pay to make your problem disappear? That value is actually your budget for solving the problem.

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this podcast I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: life is like Disneyland. The point of Disneyland is to experience Disneyland. Likewise, the point of life is to experience life. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. You get your day in the park, and then you go home with good memories.

Why is that some people seem to have all the luck while others perpetually come up short? While many factors determine success, there are also some underlying principles that predictably influence its attainment. In this episode, I discuss the three keys to getting what you want in life. First: you have to know what you want. Second: you have to be willing to wait. And third: you need to be able to act without hesitation. If you can do all three, you will be well on your way.

We are all subject to thoughts that show up uninvited and that predictably lead to unpreferred emotional states. Serial 7's is an efficient and effective technique capable of disrupting these thoughts before they're able to trigger the corresponding emotion. In this episode, I'll model the use of this technique and discuss the cognitive principles that underlie its effectiveness.

Effective boundary setting is an essential relationship skill. This is because boundaries teach people how to love and respect you. In this episode, I will discuss the three keys to setting effective boundaries with others. First: you need to clearly define the target behavior. Second: you need to set an actionable time line. And third: you need to identify explicit consequences within your domain of control that you're willing to execute. Let's see how this works.

When most of us do something we shouldn't have -- or when we didn't do something we should have -- we generally feel guilty. However, in most cases, guilt is ineffective expiation. That is, we let ourselves off the hook because we beat ourselves up. The issue is that this doesn't prevent the bad behavior from recurring in the future. In this episode, I'll speak briefly on the emotion that -- if sufficiently cultivated -- can lead us in the direction of actual and sustainable behavioral change: contrition.

Other people are frustrating. However, it's often the case that our frustration stems from their unwillingness or inability to live up to our own unconsciously projected values. What if other people never live up to the potential we see in them? As we relinquish the hope that others will be anything other than who they are, we may be able to move in the direction of authentic relating based on acceptance and respect -- or move on from those who will never change.

You've probably heard the saying, "winners never quit, and quitters never win." In point of fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Winners almost always quit: they quit everything else except the game they're trying to win. This is because failing to do so makes players uncompetitive at the highest stages of performance -- where they inevitably compete against the players who are willing to do so.

In high school physics class, we were taught to solve problems under unrealistic, ideal conditions by ignoring complexifying forces, like friction and air resistance. Unfortunately, the real world isn't so simple. When we fail to factor resistance into our plans then we generally become frustrated when they inevitably arise, and we misallocate our time and energy. In this episode, I discuss the virtues of incorporating resistance into your calculations.

If you've experienced grief, then you know how excruciating a feeling it can be. This begs the question: why is grief so painful? Why does it last as long as it does? If there's a lesson here, can't it be learned faster and with less suffering? I've wrestled with these very questions as I passed through grief at various times in my life. In this episode, I speak about what answers I've found. Grief must be as painful as it is in order to force people to stop, so that they can intentionally re-structure their lives moving forward without the lost loved one.

Within every emotion is a behavioral impulse urging us to a specific action. However wise our emotions might be, it's also the case that it's certainly not always prudent to relent to every impulse they offer for our consideration. So how do we know when to "listen" to our feelings? The answer demands we pay attention to our degree of mastery within a specific domain. As a rule of thumb, the more masterful we are within that domain, the more effective uncritically relenting to your emotional impulses is likely to be.

"Persona 5" is one of the best RPGs of all time. In addition to the normal stats you'd find in a game of this genre, in "Persona 5" your character also possess social stats: measures of his level of mastery within the real world of social relationships. Throughout the game, the protagonist encounters social stat gatekeeping, in which certain jobs, relationships, and opportunities are withheld from him, if his relevant social stat isn't high enough. In this episode, I'll speak a little on how this concept pertains to real life and how to improve your social stats through the intentional allocation of your time.

If you're a young person and you talk with folks of an older generation, it's only a matter of time before one them tells you that your early 20s are "the best years of your life." Believing this to be true can create a lot of pressure in young folks to live life to the fullest before an inevitable decline into the various miseries of adulthood proper. But is this really the case? In today's episode, I'll be debunking the romanticization of this period of one's life, and suggesting why some people might still be hung up on this time even decades later.

When I was back at my theatre conservatory, the entire first year of acting class was devoted to a single exercise: the game of please-no. I've since come to understand that this game is the fundamental game of human interaction. In this episode, I will briefly describe how the game is played and what the game has to teach us about the nature of human relationships. The more masterful you become at this game, the more life begins to open up and share its riches with you.

In the moment before deciding to relapse into a bad habit, most people generally endorse some variant of the belief that "this time it will be different." No it won't. You've been down that road before -- hundreds, if not thousands, of times -- and you know where it takes you. That's because roads only go where they go. It's impossible for a fixed pathway to vary with respect to its destination. Pushing back against this irrational belief will significantly improve your chances of lasting behavioral change.

Behind every feeling is a thought. And the thought that is primarily responsible for the feeling of anxiety generally begins with the words: what if? What if I lose my job? What if I get sick? What if she says 'no'? In this episode, I will discuss the most effective rebuttal to these anxiety-provoking thoughts: a replacement cognition that begins with the words so what? So what if the feared thing happens? I will either find a way or make a way. I'll model how to do this with several concrete examples.

Bad things happen. Rather than abide in meaningless and malevolent universe, people create stories to make sense of what happened to them. However, these stories can either maintain a person in a traumatic posture or facilitate healing and resilience. Victim narratives -- in which the self is the object of another's action -- keep people stuck in the past. Hero narratives -- in which the self is the subject of its own action -- help people move forward.

"Theory of mind" is a clunky term from psychology that basically means that we unconsciously (and inevitably) project the content and structure of our own consciousness into the minds of others. This is because assuming others are like us facilitates cooperation is essential to the survival of a social organism like man. However, this also means that whether we're surrounded by enemies or potential allies is largely a function of our own mind. I'll discuss more in this episode.

While we live in a world of abundance, it is also the fact that the universe lives closed. This means that the default answer to any request is "no." This must obviously be the case, as a default answer of "yes" would imply a perfect world where all needs are satisfied and no action is necessary. That said, we can also become increasingly competent in mastering the strategies and technologies of action required to change an initial "no" into a subsequent "yes."

Other people represent both an opportunity to be seized and a problem to be solved. While most of us understand that we need other people for the fulfilment of our ends (opportunity), we also come to realize that other people are also in the perfectly inopportune position to frustrate those ends (problem). Most will consider our needs with indifference, criticism, or even cruelty. However, acceptance of the darkness and failings of both others and ourselves can help to improve your relationships in a reality-based way.

Nobody likes being indecisive. So what can you do when you're having trouble making up your mind? The coin flip technique is a simple way to clarify our own emotional preferences: it's fast, free, and easy to use. In this episode, I discuss what the coin flip technique is and how to use your emotional reactions to effectively inform your decision-making process. Try it out for yourself!

It natural to seek after closure following the rupture of an important relationship. However, most folks make the mistake of seeking closure from the other person. This is a disempowering and (generally) ineffective strategy. On the other hand, if we seek closure in ourselves, then we have the option of taking our power back and regaining our agency. Closure occurs when we make the decision to move on. It really is that simple.

In role playing games (RPGs), it's often the case that the side quests -- short, optional adventures on the path toward your ultimate goal -- can be more fun and interesting than the main story arc itself. Among other reasons, this is because they provide intermittent rewards that increase motivation toward long-term objectives. In this episode, I'll discuss how to identify appropriate side quests across life domains, increasing the novelty and diversity of your life experience.

Whether in business or relationships, it is a good rule of thumb to never reject yourself. Rather, force the other party to expend the necessary energy to reject you. Doing so creates a cost barrier that de-incentivizes rejecting behavior. On the other hand, if you're not receiving negative feedback, then assume that you're on the right track. Though you may be pessimistic about your own chances, others might have different criteria for satisfaction than you do.

In an auction house, the lot goes to the highest bidder. In a very real sense, the highest bidder wins because no one else in the room believed the lot was worth that much. This means that the highest bidder almost certainly overpaid, and could have secured the same lot with fewer resources. The auction house is a useful analogy for work. In what ways might you be overpaying for your returns? In this episode, I'll discuss how to increase your ROI through the strategic allocation of resources.

If you traffic in Stoic philosophy, then the concept of memento mori -- a reminder of death -- should be familiar to you. In this episode, I discuss the two immediate, existential advantages to appreciating your own mortality on a regular basis. In the first place, remembering you will die should help you to prioritize the things that really matter. And, in the second place, this reminder should allow you to let go of the "small stuff" more quickly and completely.

Turning down an offer isn't always pleasant. However, learning how to do so with confidence is an essential skill in order to safeguard your time and energy. Unfortunately, many people devalue the currency of their wills by providing "reasons" why an acceptance is infeasible or impractical. Rather than leaving the door open to an unwanted counter-offer, try practicing an alternative strategy. Just say no!

In today's day and age, there is a lot of talk about "identity." However, who exactly is the "I" that is asserting its existence? In this episode, I'll discuss a simple thought exercise that will help you to determine where to draw the boundary between your true self and the rest of the universe. I will also briefly discuss how the logical conclusions of this exercise generally map onto the world's spiritual traditions.

Most of us use the words "need" and "want" interchangeably. However, there are important differences between the two concepts that differentially impact our emotional experience. Since "need" is technically associated with survival, it carries with it the threat of extinction. As a result, "need" can transform a mundane task into a life-or-death struggle. If you suffer from generalized anxiety, examine your habits around these two concepts.

One of the best credit sequences in the history of cinema comes at the end of Quentin Tarantino's "Kill Bill, Vol. 2." Among other things, it implicitly teaches an important life lesson: the vast majority of people will be indifferent to antagonistic to you. However, if you have just a couple of allies in your fight, you can overcome hordes of adversities and legions of difficulties

"Enough" is a quantity that does not exist in reality. So applying the modifier to other things -- enough money, enough achievement, enough power -- is technically inaccurate. Rather, "enough" is a concept that exists in our minds. It's a decision -- supported by an act of the will -- that our current circumstances are sufficient. Understanding this distinction opens the possibility for greater contentment and happiness in our lives.

What is the best virtue with which to approach life's difficulties? Should we always strive for safety? Or is being strong a better approach? "Safe, smart, brave, strong" is my personal mantra when I go on adventures in the wilderness. In this episode, I unpack the reasoning behind the progression of these virtues, and explain how this perspective can be generalized to other domains of life.

In the wake of a significant loss, it's human nature to search for meaning: "why did this happen?" And while this question can produce some useful answers, the process of questioning should always be limited and time-bounded. This is because no "why" questions have perfectly satisfying answers -- just "good enough" ones. In this episode, I'll talk about how to break out of the pattern of obsessive rumination that can occur when falling into the trap of "why."

Some young people today harbor extremely negative beliefs about money. However, while money has been (and continues to be) used inappropriately, it is actually used constructively in the vast majority of cases. In this episode, I'll discuss how money is effectively utilized to incentivize altruism. It's a subtle trick of the mind by which we collectively transcend self-interest by appealing to self-interest.

As I've mentioned in previous episodes, values can be expensive. So are they worth it? In today's episode, I discuss the value of values, namely: their unrivaled capacity to serve as decision-making heuristics. By looking through the "lens" of a given value, incongruent pathways at the Crossroads of life are filtered out -- making it much easier to answer the eternal question: "what should I do?"

Have you ever been in a situation where you just can't seem to do anything right by another person? It's possible that you fell into a rather unpleasant relational trap: the no-win conversation. In this episode, I'll help you identify the signs that you've fallen into such a conversation, and discuss the communication skill that you'll need to get yourself out of the predicament: emotional reflection.

The ability to forgive is an absolutely essential life skill, and one that no one really teaches us how to do. Forgiveness is an intrapersonal -- not interpersonal -- behavior that prevents our hearts from becoming embittered after we suffer at the hands of others. In this episode, I'll walk you through a step-by-step process by which -- over time -- you can transform anger and hatred into pity and compassion.

The tale of Bluebeard is an old fairy tale from Western Europe, but its lessons are still applicable today. We all have skeletons in our closet. The question is how these secrets in our hearts ought to impact our relationships. Keep in mind that if you want perfect transparency, then you can't expect perfect goodness. Some doors should just remain closed.

Overcoming emotional manipulation is an important life skill. From a guilt-tripping mother to a fearmongering politician, there are those in the world who would use our emotions to further their own agendas. Breaking the pattern requires us to (a) accept responsibility for our own emotional reactions, and (b) tolerate our distressing emotions without taking action. I'll walk through how to do this in today's episode.

One of the fundamental skills in cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is the block-and-replace technique. This technique -- which entails blocking negative thoughts and replacing them with more reality-based alternatives -- undergirds the entire process of cognitive restructuring, which is an effective way of sustainably changing thoughts and beliefs. In this video, I'll discuss how this is done with some concrete examples.

The disconfirming emotional experience is the very heart of the therapeutic process. It is the necessary and sufficient condition for significant personal change. In essence, a disconfirming emotional experience is when a person has the experience of passing through a feared situation only to emerge unscathed on the other side. With repetition, this contributes to the development of a felt sense that things will kinda be okay, which will force an update of outdated mental models.

One of the easiest ways to get more from therapy is to rule out confounds before engaging the services of a therapist. Basically, this means that you should first try excluding any other factors that could plausibly influence your situation and observe the effect on your problem. This will help save time (and money), and clarify the objective of the clinical work, which will make your overall experience with therapy more effective and rewarding.

Many young adults arrive in their mid-20s with an expectation that life will continue to be a constant, structured progression (much like it has been up until that point). They have a chronic "fear of missing out," which seducing them into believing that life is somehow happening somewhere where they're not. However, this is not the case. In point of fact: this is it. Life is as full and complete now as it ever will be. Passing through the gateway of disappointment brings peace and acceptance.

Behind most angry emotions are thoughts containing the concept of "should." However, the suffering that results from this connection indicates that we may be using the concept of "should" incorrectly. Indeed, there's a "right way" and a "wrong way" to use this concept. In this video, I will discuss the differences between these two usages, and why the "right way" will help up stay safe and get what we want.

With privilege comes responsibility. And one of the responsibilities associated with occupying a privileged position of leadership is to bite one's lip. The captain can't complain (downward). Don't exacerbate the vulnerability associated with being in a dependent position by openly discussing worries, gripes, fears, and anxieties. The buck stops with you.

Confronting a friend about his or her disrespectful or destructive behavior can be one of the hardest things to do in a relationship. Say nothing and you collude to enable the behavior. Come down too hard and you risk alienating the other. In this video, I discuss how to accomplish this difficult task by speaking from your own experience about the natural, emotional consequences of the other's actions.

Many people live with the constant, low-grade fear of disappointing others. While this can ultimately be resolved by overcoming the fear of abandonment, the fear of disappointment can be significantly reduced by examining its rational basis. In this video, we'll discuss justified (versus unjustified) disappointment, so that you can reduce your exposure to unnecessary suffering.