PsycHacks

If you're unemployed and you want a job, then finding a job is your job. It becomes your full-time occupation. You strategize and implement on a large scale until it works. The same principle holds true in dating. If you're single and you want a certain kind of relationship, then finding that relationship is your job. It becomes your full-time occupation. You strategize and implement on a large scale until it works. If you want better options, you need to put in the effort. #dating #relationships #single

Revenge can be a very powerful force, if utilized in the service of growth and self-development. Most high-achieving individuals (at least initially) manage to yoke their wills to the force of revenge in order to accelerate their progress. That said, while revenge is a useful first-stage fuel, it becomes increasingly problematic the longer it burns. Consequently, it's essential that you find a more positive force to link with after achieving escape velocity. #revenge #achievement #motivation

Because the universe lives closed, we are all going to experience far more rejection than acceptance across our lifespans. So the sooner we can disabuse ourselves of certain illusions concerning rejection, the better. In this episode, I discuss these illusions, which I call the three Ps, namely: rejection is painful, personal, and permanent. The goal is to eventually see rejection as a form of feedback that may contain information on how to move closer to our objectives. #rejection #confidence #acceptance

It can happen that, in the course of our relationship, we find ourselves the object of another person's disrespect or negativity. The question that passes through most reasonable people's minds is: "how much is enough?" I have a simple rule of thumb to answer this question. I call it the "stranger on a bus" rule. Basically, anyone in my life has to treat me at least as well as they would treat a stranger on a bus. Otherwise, they're subject to losing the privilege of my company. #tolerance #relationships #selfrespect

"Love-food" is a term I coined to represent the experience of being held emotionally by another. It's important to the emotional well-being of all people, and essential to the development of children. Every family is like a little ecosystem, and within each family is a limited supply of love-food. Through unconscious reinforcement contingencies, parents influence children to occupy different niches within the family ecosystem that maximize their respective access to love-food. I explain more in this episode. #family #siblings #lovefood

Back when I was in a dance-theatre company, we had a rule of thumb when it came to our shows. Anything that we created had to be "too short to suck." Those who liked our work would want more, and those who didn't would feel relieved we hadn't wasted more of their time. This is an excellent guideline to follow when creating content. You don't have to prove yourself by giving more than is necessary. #creator #brevity #nofail

My definition of "confidence" is the consistent, felt experience of success. And this definition contains the blueprint to achieving authentic confidence. The first step is being able to do the thing. The second step is being able to do the thing consistently. And the third step is allowing that consistent success to impact you emotionally. I discuss more in this episode. #confidence #success #competence

Letting go is an emotional survival technique that everyone should learn. The paradox of heartbreak is that the negative emotions cause you to emotionally clench around the memory of the lost object. And you cannot let go of something that you are simultaneously clinging to. So the trick to letting go depends on cultivating gentle, positive emotions relative to the lost object, which allow you to relax and release. I'll explain more in this episode. #lettinggo #heartbreak #release

In the course of life, we often find ourselves in the place of the learner. This could be because we're starting a new course of study, or because we're entering into a new level of mastery. In these moments, ignorance feels close to us, and we're more aware than usual of the extent of our knowledge. Unfortunately, some of us have a tendency to overextend this ignorance into judgments about our intelligence. In this episode, I'll discuss why this doesn't make sense. #learning #knowledge #intelligence

By the time we're full adults, many of us have been hurt by relationships. To protect against future hurts, many of these folks build protective armor around their hearts to prevent others from accessing certain aspects of self. Unfortunately, this behavior is counterproductive. We can only love to the depth of our understanding. By preventing opportunities to be known, such people functionally make it impossible for them to be loved. I'll discuss more in this episode. #love #relationships #knowledge

In a previous episode, I defined a game as anything with rules and a goal. A goal with no rules tends toward destructive chaos, and rules with no goal tend toward restrictive control. One without the other is death; both together is life. Therefore, one of the purposes of any game is to create and maintain the conditions that allow play to continue. This furthers life and is "good." Anything that seeks to end the game is opposed to life and is "evil." In this episode, I'll reveal the seed of human evil, and how to counteract its influence. #good #game #life

In many respects, life on this planet is inherently unsatisfying. However, this realm is under the auspices of dualism. So where there is darkness, there must be light. The trick to enjoying your life more is to utilize your focus with greater discipline, so that you increasingly attend to those aspects of life that are positive and good. In this episode, I'll explain what that might look like with a concrete example. #focus #attention #duality

And this one's for the guys! In this episode, I'm going to discuss a useful mate selection strategy for straight men. Rather than give your attention to the smokeshows (who can be very challenging to relate to), a better approach is to find your ugly duckling: a late-bloomer who passed through a period of self-development and character building. These women typically have more to offer and are significantly easier to have relationships with. #dating #relationships #uglyduckling

This one's for the ladies! In this episode, I'm going to discuss a useful mate selection strategy for straight women. Research indicates that the vast majority of you are competing for the relatively small percentage of men at the top of the hierarchy. While this seems like a good strategy, as these guys have already demonstrated that they possess the traits you might be looking for, it means that you're potentially only one option among many for the men you are targeting. A better approach is to find your dark horse: an underdog performer who ends up winning the race. #dating #relationships #darkhorse

Love, sex, and commitment are independent concepts. The presence of one does not imply the existence of the others. This means that there are eight different, potential combinations of these components. In this episode, I briefly discuss each of these types of relationships in turn, offering an example from film to illustrate each one. #love #sex #commitment

My episode, "The gift of your absence," recently passed 100,000 views on YouTube. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to release an update responding to some of your feedback and criticism. Most importantly, I want to clarify that the primary goal in giving someone the gift of your absence is not to manipulate someone to chase after you. This can happen, but it shouldn't be your primary motivation. Rather, this is fundamentally a strategy to increase your own self-value by exercising self-respect. This can be attractive in its own right -- over and above the value added by your scarcity. Thanks for your support!! #relationships #respect #value

This is a very simple mind hack that I've developed to guard against frustration and disappointment. Look: you should take what people say with a grain of salt. When they say that they're going to do something (or that they're not going to do something), just say to yourself: "we'll see." Withhold your judgment until you see behavioral confirmation of their commitment one way or another. Trust and doubt are earned. #trust #relationships #we'llsee

Despite passing through a great deal of suffering in his origin story, Harry Potter doesn't spend the rest of his life hung up on the past. How was he able to do this? The first book provides a clue. We possess the inner resources to overcome our circumstances -- though sometimes we're subject to forgetting who we are and what we're here to do. Reconnecting with purpose and being is often the pathway forward. #harrypotter #purpose #self

Rolling up your sleeves and hunkering down only works when you have a finite amount of work to do. However, if you're even moderately successful, the time will come when the influx of new work will outpace your ability to discharge it. Once you cross that point, this strategy becomes a recipe for burnout. In this episode, I'll discuss an attitude toward work that helps me maintain healthy work-life boundaries. The work never ends. #boundaries #burnout #work

The vast majority of conflict on this planet throughout history has been caused by ideological differences. Ideas divide people. On the other hand, emotions unite people. This is because no two people are so different from one another that they don't share some facets of the human experience. And these facets are generally emotionally, since they arise from our shared evolutionary past. So if you want to attract people to you, focus on feelings rather than ideas. #ideas #emotions #attraction

Many of us put off doing the things we know we should, and this hesitation can cause some folks a lot of trouble. A client of mine recently shared a story with me about his sales training. Apparently, he was instructed to "eat the frog" as quickly as possible to overcome his hesitancy in making cold calls. In this episode, I'll talk about what this means and why it's a good idea to move into action sooner. #frog #action #decisive

This one is pretty straight forward. When working with clients to master their self-talk, I always begin by asking them to consider making a commitment not to talk to themselves in a way they wouldn't speak to a close friend. There's no need to fluff yourself up or practice affirmations in the mirror or discover your mantra. Just start here. The relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have. So make sure you're good company. #relationships #selftalk #selfimprovement

When people are at the crossroads of life, they can often agonize over making "the right decision." However, implicit in the idea of "the right decision" is the existence of many, many "wrong" decisions, and this significantly increases the felt experience of pressure on the decider. This is not how I see the world. Instead of "right" and "wrong," I see paths that go one way and paths that go another. The "rightness" of one's path is inseparable from the goals of the one who walks it. I'll speak more on this in this episode. #right #wrong #choices

Whatever you do over and over again, you will get better at. It's not possible to do something repeatedly and get worse. This is just an attribute of the way we are constructed. However, this also means that we can get better at the wrong thing. So it's really important to be careful about what you do repeatedly. Strong, lasting habits are built out of small "worthless" or "harmless" behaviors. #habit #selfimprovement #growth

Many of the beliefs in our heads aren't our own. They come from our parents, teachers, friends, and culture. And many of our own beliefs were derived many years ago from relatively small data sets. It's essential that you critically evaluate whether these beliefs are still valid and appropriate to your current life, from time to time. This is what I call "updating your browser." By extrapolating beliefs from larger data sets of relevant experiences, we can increase the likelihood that our mental models accord with reality. #selfdevelopment #beliefs #browser

It's important to show your partner respect when your partner does something respectable. This is because respect is highly reinforcing and will increase the likelihood that your partner will behave similarly in the future. And if you want to understand how to do this, you need to watch ESPN. ESPN has respect down cold. In this episode, I'll discuss what I mean by this with concrete examples. #respect #relationships #ESPN

Anyone who has had a panic attack knows how terrifying and upsetting the experience can be. Fortunately, there are ways of preventing panic attacks without the use of psychiatric medication. These methods have worked for me, personally, and dozens of my clients. In this video (the second of two), I'll discuss strategies for intervention: what you can do at each step of the way to disrupt the process that leads to a panic attack. Please share with others who might benefit from this information. #panic #anxiety #treatment

Despite all of our intentional action, we never really know what we give to others. I learned this lesson in the context of my work as a private tutor. When I would cross paths with my students years later, they had always forgotten everything that I was paid to teach them -- but they would remember some throwaway comment I made one day. It took years for my students to teach me what I taught them. And that is because it is the taker who decides what is given. #giving #taking #relationships

Anyone who has had a panic attack knows how terrifying and upsetting the experience can be. Fortunately, there are ways of preventing panic attacks without the use of psychiatric medication. These methods have worked for me, personally, and dozens of my clients. In this video (the first of two), I'll discuss the anatomy of a panic attack: the sequence of events that conspires to create the experience "out of thin air." I hope you find it useful. #panic #anxiety #attention

Happiness is a choice. It is based on a decision to turn toward the present moment and accept it as enough. On the other hand, when we choose to base our happiness on external conditions, three things happen: we disempower ourselves, we rob ourselves of the potential for joy in the present moment, and we enter into games of control. I'll discuss why each of these is true in turn in this episode. #happiness #contentment #acceptance

If a game is anything with rules and a goal, then relationships are a game. We know there is a goal, because we want things from other people. And we know there are rules, because we can't act however we want to get whatever we want. In this episode, I'll respond to the most common negative reaction to the conceptualization of relationships as a game: that "game playing" is "immature" and "manipulative." My rebuttal is that you can't not play, and that "maturity" and "honesty" are as much "game playing" strategies as their opposites. #game #relationships #attraction

It's good to care for others. However, in some cases, the way we care may inadvertently do more harm than good. As a therapist, my rule of thumb is to never want something for someone else more than they want it for themselves. If someone is not motivated to change, I'm even slightly less motivated than they are. This can help some folks to hold their own motivation and take greater responsibility for their lives. I'll discuss more in this episode. #compassion #motivation #ennabling

A metaphor I often use with clients is that emotions are living things. Like little creatures, they have their habits, and their likes and dislikes. And like any other living thing, more than anything else, they want to continue to exist. They want to keep living. This is important to understand, because the impulses you feel when you're emotional may better serve the emotion in question than your own best interests. I'll explain more in this episode, using concrete examples. #emotions #selfaware #therapy

Some people enjoy small talk. I'm not one of them. I like my conversations to be interesting and meaningful. The problem is that you generally need to pass through small talk in order to get there. Over the years of working as a therapist, I've learned many tools to quickly open conversation partners. One of them is treating small talk like a game. In this episode, I'll discuss similarities between the game of small talk and the popular word game, Wordle. #wordle #communication #smalltalk

In a previous episode, I defined a game as anything with rules and a goal. If this is true, then human relationships are definitely a game. In this episode, I will discuss the fundamental game of human relationships: the game that exists beneath all negotiated interactions. It's called the game of please-no. I'll briefly discuss the rules of the game, and some of the general strategies that people have developed to achieve their goals. #game #relationships #negotiation

In this episode, I introduce the concept of the game as a framework for understanding reality. I define a game as anything with rules and a goal. Life is a series of nested games, and all of us are playing many games simultaneously. A large part of the share of human suffering on this planet derives from the fact that at any moment we are forced to choose which of several games we want to win and which of several games we are willing to lose. I illustrate this with a concrete example. #game #life #relationships

Most of us use the words "need" and "want" interchangeably. However, there are important psychological differences between the two concepts that differentially impact our emotional experience. Since "need" is associated with survival, it carries with it the threat of extinction. As a result, "need" can transform a mundane task into a life-or-death struggle. On the other hand, "want" is associated with growth and life. If you suffer from generalized anxiety, you may want to examine your uses of these two concepts. #need #want #anxiety

An attraction proxy is anything a person uses to secure love, sex, or commitment by indirect means. A common example of this is a man who believes that women will be more attracted to him if he were rich. In this case, the man is using money as an attraction proxy. While access to resources increases attractiveness in general, it is neither necessary nor sufficient to do so. The only reliable way of increasing attraction is mastering the game of attraction and the art of seduction. #attraction #money #seduction

Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, they often doubt whether they deserve to exist at all. In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("The reason why you exist") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disneyland; it's even harder to sneak into being. So if you're in the park, you must have a ticket. #Disneyland #justified #spirituality

This is the first in a series of short talks on applied stoicism, which is what I call my adaptation of stoic philosophy for the practice of clinical psychology. In this episode, I'll discuss the egocentric nature of the concepts of "good" and "bad." While this may slaughter a sacred cow, it also leaves open the possibility of always receiving the good and never experiencing the bad. And who wouldn't want to know how to do this? #stoicism #good #mastery

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" One way or another, we all have to grapple with these existential questions. These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this episode I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: the purpose of life is to experience life. In this way, life is like Disneyland. It serves no other purpose than to allow people the opportunity to experience itself. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. You get your day in the park, and then you go home with your memories. #Disneyland #existentialism #why

There's a notion of identity that assumes that -- deep down -- who we are is a sort of unchanging, crystalline entity. But I think this idea is betrayed in the practice of our everyday lives. Our experience of self changes significantly, based on where we are, who we're with, and what we're doing. This is because relationships "pull" latent aspects of self out of our personality structures that may otherwise have remained long dormant. I'll discuss more in this episode. #relationships #identity #selfdevelopment

The fear of being judged by others is a fear that I commonly encounter in the scope of my clinical practice. The key to conquering this fear is an understanding of a clunky psychological concept called "theory of mind." This means that we unconsciously project the content and structure of our own consciousness onto others in order to facilitate interpersonal interaction. An amazing consequence of this tendency is that we can alter our actual experience of reality by changing the content of our own consciousness. I'll discuss more in this episode. #anxiety #Buddhism #confidence

In my experience, a great deal of the unnecessary suffering in the world originates in the decision to say "no" to the present moment. Placing oneself in the position of resisting reality creates friction, and this friction creates suffering. In the vast majority of cases, resistance neither improves the situation nor helps us get what we want. On the other hand, by adopting a posture of willingness to work with what is, we give ourselves the best possible chance of recognizing the potential that may be inherent in the situation. #willingness #acceptance #effectiveness

The critical inner voice is a phenomenon that most of us experience from time to time; however, it can be incessantly cruel and abusive in the case of some folks. It's the voice that is very mean to you when you make a mistake, or that generalizes global personality flaws from local failures or rejections. Many researchers believe that the critical inner voice is an introject of the parents' perceived negative attitudes toward the child. With this in mind, the first step toward mitigating the effect of this voice is to make it ego-alien, or something that's in you, but not of you. #depression #selftalk #therapy

The sexual double standard is basically that it is socially acceptable -- or considered a positive -- for men to have multiple sexual partners, but that it is socially unacceptable -- or considered a negative -- for women to have the same. In this video, I'll discuss why I believe this double standard is culturally determined -- but not in the way most people think. Rather than a "mere" belief or attitude, this standard is deeply embedded in the cultural "rules" about who approaches whom and who is valued for what. I'll explain what I mean using the framework of behavioral economics. #sex #relationships #economics

"Enough" is a quantity that does not exist in reality. And if something doesn't exist, it's not something you can have. This is why no one has "enough" money, "enough" sex, or "enough" power. "Enough" is a concept that exists in our minds: it's psychological. It's the decision to accept the present moment as sufficient. Understanding this distinction opens the possibility for greater contentment and happiness in our lives. #happiness #contentment #enough

The experience of inner emptiness is at the heart of many of the issues that I discuss with my clients. Those who experience it try to fill it in many ways: with drugs and alcohol, with sex and relationships, with work and busyness, with pleasure and distraction. And they don't work, which is to say: they work for a time at great cost. In this episode, I'll discuss the only three things I've ever found that actually heal the void within. #healing #emptiness #recovery

Every day, life presents you with new and unexpected challenges to overcome. How can you respond confidently to a difficulty that you've never dealt with before? In this episode, I share two tips for successfully addressing just such a situation. Hopefully, they will help you find the wherewithal to rise to the occasion. #confidence #selfefficacy #focus

According to the fundamental axiom of the balance of attraction, no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. In this episode, I'll discuss the pros and cons of being in the position of the adored, the one who likes the other less. The adored get to be loved by the ones they're with. This position is a better fit for those who prefer not to live as much in their emotions, or who (for whatever reason) would prefer not to place romantic relationships in the center of their lives. #relationships #attraction #love