PsycHacks

Many of us put off doing the things we know we should, and this hesitation can cause some folks a lot of trouble. A client of mine recently shared a story with me about his sales training. Apparently, he was instructed to "eat the frog" as quickly as possible to overcome his hesitancy in making cold calls. In this episode, I'll talk about what this means and why it's a good idea to move into action sooner. #frog #action #decisive

This one is pretty straight forward. When working with clients to master their self-talk, I always begin by asking them to consider making a commitment not to talk to themselves in a way they wouldn't speak to a close friend. There's no need to fluff yourself up or practice affirmations in the mirror or discover your mantra. Just start here. The relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have. So make sure you're good company. #relationships #selftalk #selfimprovement

When people are at the crossroads of life, they can often agonize over making "the right decision." However, implicit in the idea of "the right decision" is the existence of many, many "wrong" decisions, and this significantly increases the felt experience of pressure on the decider. This is not how I see the world. Instead of "right" and "wrong," I see paths that go one way and paths that go another. The "rightness" of one's path is inseparable from the goals of the one who walks it. I'll speak more on this in this episode. #right #wrong #choices

Whatever you do over and over again, you will get better at. It's not possible to do something repeatedly and get worse. This is just an attribute of the way we are constructed. However, this also means that we can get better at the wrong thing. So it's really important to be careful about what you do repeatedly. Strong, lasting habits are built out of small "worthless" or "harmless" behaviors. #habit #selfimprovement #growth

Many of the beliefs in our heads aren't our own. They come from our parents, teachers, friends, and culture. And many of our own beliefs were derived many years ago from relatively small data sets. It's essential that you critically evaluate whether these beliefs are still valid and appropriate to your current life, from time to time. This is what I call "updating your browser." By extrapolating beliefs from larger data sets of relevant experiences, we can increase the likelihood that our mental models accord with reality. #selfdevelopment #beliefs #browser

It's important to show your partner respect when your partner does something respectable. This is because respect is highly reinforcing and will increase the likelihood that your partner will behave similarly in the future. And if you want to understand how to do this, you need to watch ESPN. ESPN has respect down cold. In this episode, I'll discuss what I mean by this with concrete examples. #respect #relationships #ESPN

Anyone who has had a panic attack knows how terrifying and upsetting the experience can be. Fortunately, there are ways of preventing panic attacks without the use of psychiatric medication. These methods have worked for me, personally, and dozens of my clients. In this video (the second of two), I'll discuss strategies for intervention: what you can do at each step of the way to disrupt the process that leads to a panic attack. Please share with others who might benefit from this information. #panic #anxiety #treatment

Despite all of our intentional action, we never really know what we give to others. I learned this lesson in the context of my work as a private tutor. When I would cross paths with my students years later, they had always forgotten everything that I was paid to teach them -- but they would remember some throwaway comment I made one day. It took years for my students to teach me what I taught them. And that is because it is the taker who decides what is given. #giving #taking #relationships

Anyone who has had a panic attack knows how terrifying and upsetting the experience can be. Fortunately, there are ways of preventing panic attacks without the use of psychiatric medication. These methods have worked for me, personally, and dozens of my clients. In this video (the first of two), I'll discuss the anatomy of a panic attack: the sequence of events that conspires to create the experience "out of thin air." I hope you find it useful. #panic #anxiety #attention

Happiness is a choice. It is based on a decision to turn toward the present moment and accept it as enough. On the other hand, when we choose to base our happiness on external conditions, three things happen: we disempower ourselves, we rob ourselves of the potential for joy in the present moment, and we enter into games of control. I'll discuss why each of these is true in turn in this episode. #happiness #contentment #acceptance

If a game is anything with rules and a goal, then relationships are a game. We know there is a goal, because we want things from other people. And we know there are rules, because we can't act however we want to get whatever we want. In this episode, I'll respond to the most common negative reaction to the conceptualization of relationships as a game: that "game playing" is "immature" and "manipulative." My rebuttal is that you can't not play, and that "maturity" and "honesty" are as much "game playing" strategies as their opposites. #game #relationships #attraction

It's good to care for others. However, in some cases, the way we care may inadvertently do more harm than good. As a therapist, my rule of thumb is to never want something for someone else more than they want it for themselves. If someone is not motivated to change, I'm even slightly less motivated than they are. This can help some folks to hold their own motivation and take greater responsibility for their lives. I'll discuss more in this episode. #compassion #motivation #ennabling

A metaphor I often use with clients is that emotions are living things. Like little creatures, they have their habits, and their likes and dislikes. And like any other living thing, more than anything else, they want to continue to exist. They want to keep living. This is important to understand, because the impulses you feel when you're emotional may better serve the emotion in question than your own best interests. I'll explain more in this episode, using concrete examples. #emotions #selfaware #therapy

Some people enjoy small talk. I'm not one of them. I like my conversations to be interesting and meaningful. The problem is that you generally need to pass through small talk in order to get there. Over the years of working as a therapist, I've learned many tools to quickly open conversation partners. One of them is treating small talk like a game. In this episode, I'll discuss similarities between the game of small talk and the popular word game, Wordle. #wordle #communication #smalltalk

In a previous episode, I defined a game as anything with rules and a goal. If this is true, then human relationships are definitely a game. In this episode, I will discuss the fundamental game of human relationships: the game that exists beneath all negotiated interactions. It's called the game of please-no. I'll briefly discuss the rules of the game, and some of the general strategies that people have developed to achieve their goals. #game #relationships #negotiation

In this episode, I introduce the concept of the game as a framework for understanding reality. I define a game as anything with rules and a goal. Life is a series of nested games, and all of us are playing many games simultaneously. A large part of the share of human suffering on this planet derives from the fact that at any moment we are forced to choose which of several games we want to win and which of several games we are willing to lose. I illustrate this with a concrete example. #game #life #relationships

Most of us use the words "need" and "want" interchangeably. However, there are important psychological differences between the two concepts that differentially impact our emotional experience. Since "need" is associated with survival, it carries with it the threat of extinction. As a result, "need" can transform a mundane task into a life-or-death struggle. On the other hand, "want" is associated with growth and life. If you suffer from generalized anxiety, you may want to examine your uses of these two concepts. #need #want #anxiety

An attraction proxy is anything a person uses to secure love, sex, or commitment by indirect means. A common example of this is a man who believes that women will be more attracted to him if he were rich. In this case, the man is using money as an attraction proxy. While access to resources increases attractiveness in general, it is neither necessary nor sufficient to do so. The only reliable way of increasing attraction is mastering the game of attraction and the art of seduction. #attraction #money #seduction

Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, they often doubt whether they deserve to exist at all. In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("The reason why you exist") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disneyland; it's even harder to sneak into being. So if you're in the park, you must have a ticket. #Disneyland #justified #spirituality

This is the first in a series of short talks on applied stoicism, which is what I call my adaptation of stoic philosophy for the practice of clinical psychology. In this episode, I'll discuss the egocentric nature of the concepts of "good" and "bad." While this may slaughter a sacred cow, it also leaves open the possibility of always receiving the good and never experiencing the bad. And who wouldn't want to know how to do this? #stoicism #good #mastery

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" One way or another, we all have to grapple with these existential questions. These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this episode I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: the purpose of life is to experience life. In this way, life is like Disneyland. It serves no other purpose than to allow people the opportunity to experience itself. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. You get your day in the park, and then you go home with your memories. #Disneyland #existentialism #why

There's a notion of identity that assumes that -- deep down -- who we are is a sort of unchanging, crystalline entity. But I think this idea is betrayed in the practice of our everyday lives. Our experience of self changes significantly, based on where we are, who we're with, and what we're doing. This is because relationships "pull" latent aspects of self out of our personality structures that may otherwise have remained long dormant. I'll discuss more in this episode. #relationships #identity #selfdevelopment

The fear of being judged by others is a fear that I commonly encounter in the scope of my clinical practice. The key to conquering this fear is an understanding of a clunky psychological concept called "theory of mind." This means that we unconsciously project the content and structure of our own consciousness onto others in order to facilitate interpersonal interaction. An amazing consequence of this tendency is that we can alter our actual experience of reality by changing the content of our own consciousness. I'll discuss more in this episode. #anxiety #Buddhism #confidence

In my experience, a great deal of the unnecessary suffering in the world originates in the decision to say "no" to the present moment. Placing oneself in the position of resisting reality creates friction, and this friction creates suffering. In the vast majority of cases, resistance neither improves the situation nor helps us get what we want. On the other hand, by adopting a posture of willingness to work with what is, we give ourselves the best possible chance of recognizing the potential that may be inherent in the situation. #willingness #acceptance #effectiveness

The critical inner voice is a phenomenon that most of us experience from time to time; however, it can be incessantly cruel and abusive in the case of some folks. It's the voice that is very mean to you when you make a mistake, or that generalizes global personality flaws from local failures or rejections. Many researchers believe that the critical inner voice is an introject of the parents' perceived negative attitudes toward the child. With this in mind, the first step toward mitigating the effect of this voice is to make it ego-alien, or something that's in you, but not of you. #depression #selftalk #therapy

The sexual double standard is basically that it is socially acceptable -- or considered a positive -- for men to have multiple sexual partners, but that it is socially unacceptable -- or considered a negative -- for women to have the same. In this video, I'll discuss why I believe this double standard is culturally determined -- but not in the way most people think. Rather than a "mere" belief or attitude, this standard is deeply embedded in the cultural "rules" about who approaches whom and who is valued for what. I'll explain what I mean using the framework of behavioral economics. #sex #relationships #economics

"Enough" is a quantity that does not exist in reality. And if something doesn't exist, it's not something you can have. This is why no one has "enough" money, "enough" sex, or "enough" power. "Enough" is a concept that exists in our minds: it's psychological. It's the decision to accept the present moment as sufficient. Understanding this distinction opens the possibility for greater contentment and happiness in our lives. #happiness #contentment #enough

The experience of inner emptiness is at the heart of many of the issues that I discuss with my clients. Those who experience it try to fill it in many ways: with drugs and alcohol, with sex and relationships, with work and busyness, with pleasure and distraction. And they don't work, which is to say: they work for a time at great cost. In this episode, I'll discuss the only three things I've ever found that actually heal the void within. #healing #emptiness #recovery

Every day, life presents you with new and unexpected challenges to overcome. How can you respond confidently to a difficulty that you've never dealt with before? In this episode, I share two tips for successfully addressing just such a situation. Hopefully, they will help you find the wherewithal to rise to the occasion. #confidence #selfefficacy #focus

According to the fundamental axiom of the balance of attraction, no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. In this episode, I'll discuss the pros and cons of being in the position of the adored, the one who likes the other less. The adored get to be loved by the ones they're with. This position is a better fit for those who prefer not to live as much in their emotions, or who (for whatever reason) would prefer not to place romantic relationships in the center of their lives. #relationships #attraction #love

Values can be expensive. So are they worth it? In this episode, I discuss one of the most valuable things about values: their utility as decision making tools. When we find ourselves at the Crossroads of Life, values can help to clarify the path forward by filtering out incongruent pathways. In a very practical way, they help us answer the question: "what should I do?" #values #decisive #growth

According to the fundamental axiom of the balance of attraction, no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. In this episode, I'll discuss the pros and cons of being in the position of the adorer, the one who like the other more. Adorers get to be with the they love, and they get to experience all the emotional consequences of that opportunity. Adorers enter into relationships to feel. As a result, it's a better position for folks who are more romantically-inclined or who prefer to live more in their emotions. #relationships #attraction #love

Self-improvement is less about creating ten new, good habits as it is about stopping the one or two behaviors that are significantly obstructing your progress. In many cases, blocking these behaviors is sufficient to create real growth: no other action is required. This will also help to rule out potential confounds, saving you time and money if you decide to enlist the help of a professional. You need to put out the fire before doing construction on your house. Otherwise all your hard work will go up in flames. #healing #growth #selfimprovement

Human beings seem to have a need for recognition and acknowledgement. I have it. You have it. We all have it. However, the fact of the matter is that we can can't reasonably expect recognition. And this is because recognition requires some degree of mastery. Without it, brilliance could be staring you in the face and you would lack the ability to see it. Pearls before swine. I'll discuss further in this episode. #recognition #mastery #truth

If you have a habit that seems to cause you a lot of harm or difficulty, but that you still have trouble getting rid of, ask yourself this question: how is it good? How does it help you? It has to serve a function, or else it still wouldn't be there. Most likely, on some level, you believe that the habit is still a net positive, despite the suffering it causes you. To really change a behavior, you need to find other, more adaptive ways to provide the same benefit as your bad habit. #habit #selfdevelopment #selfimprovement

By the time clients contact me, the issue they would like to discuss has generally become fairly well-established. The image I like to use is that of walking the same path through a field for 20 years. It will take some time to carve a new path through the meadow, and to allow the old path to return to nature. And if it's going to take a while, you might as well get started. It will never be easier than it is today.

In an auction house, the lot goes to the highest bidder. In a very real sense, the highest bidder wins because no one else in the room believed the lot was worth that much. This means that the highest bidder almost certainly overpaid, and could have secured the same lot with fewer resources. The auction house is a useful analogy for work. In what ways might you be overpaying in your own life? In this episode, I'll discuss how to increase your return on investment through the strategic allocation of resources. #work #investment #money

"Have to" is a phrase that I have tried to eliminate from my vocabulary. Irrespective of what I'm doing, whenever I think that I "have" to do something, that something becomes onerous, aversive, and unpleasant. Instead, I try to replace the phrase "have to" with the phrase "choose to," and to connect the duty, responsibility, or assignment with one of my personally-relevant goals. It's a small change that makes a big difference.

If my episode "Bet on yourself," I spoke on the game-changing importance of unshakable self-confidence. But what if you feel -- justified or not -- that you have no legitimate basis for authentic confidence? What are you supposed to do then? The answer to this question is to think of yourself as a high school football coach whose team is down at halftime. Learn about the three tasks of the coach in this episode.

This is the third in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. Do you think it was only a strange coincidence that the families of Romeo and Juliet hated each other? In this episode, I'll explain why romance thrives on obstruction. It goes all the way back to the original romantic myth, the tragedy of Tristan and Isolde, and it goes a long way toward explaining why it feels so good to be bad. After all, nothing tastes better than forbidden fruit...

This is the second in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. In this episode, I'll explain why romance so often ends in tragedy and heartbreak. Spoiler alert: it's orchestrated that way by design. By prioritizing the purity of spiritual union over the banality of everyday relationships, romantics doom themselves to unhappiness and loss. But that suffering -- that sweet suffering -- attests to the purity of their love, right?

This the first in a series of short discussions on some of the lesser-known truths about romantic love. In this episode, I'll explain why the unobtainability of the adored is actually a core component of the experience of romantic love. It goes all the way back to the code of the chivalric knights of old, and it goes a long way toward explaining one of the more bewildering facets of romance, namely: why we seem to want what we can't have.

"Catastrophic thought cascade" is a term I coined to described the cognitive phenomena that generally precede any immediate and intense emotional reaction. It's a series of imagined events linked by an apparent causality that only holds true when viewed through the lens of the emotion that created it. The trick to overcoming these events is to practice mindful awareness to slow down the subjective experience of time and to disrupt the causal chain by offering reasonable counter-factuals. I provide an example of how to do this in this episode.

As its name suggests, a covert contract is a quid pro quo agreement that is not disclosed to the other party. At first blush, it seems absurd that anyone would engage in this practice. After all, if you don't explicitly negotiate terms, how can you reasonably expect to get what you hope to receive from the transaction? However, people engage in covert contracts in their personal and professional relationships, every day of their lives. In this episode, I'll discuss what that might look like, and what you can do about it.

Everything has an origin, and that includes romantic love. While people have apparently been falling in love since the beginning of recorded history, the notion that this is a desirable state is actually fairly recent. In this episode, I'll discuss the origin of romantic love as it emerged in the South of France in the 11th or 12th Century AD. This origin story might be surprising, but it helps to account for a lot of otherwise inexplicable facets of romantic love.

The balance of attraction is a concept I developed to help explain certain emotional dynamics in romantic relationships. It's based on a fundamental axiom, which is: no two people can like each other exactly the same amount. One of the most important corollaries of this axiom is that, in any relationship, one person will like the other more and one person will like the other less. Who occupies which position can change from day-to-day, or even moment-to-moment, but most relationships are characterized by a fairly stable attraction imbalance. I'll talk more about this in this episode.

Can you imagine a basketball team could remain competitive in the NBA if it made an organizational commitment never to commit a foul? They would be decimated by teams of comparable talent and ability that didn't restrict themselves so unnecessarily. The truth is that the top players both know the rules of their game intimately and know when to break those rules strategically. Too much obedience can be just as detrimental as too much disobedience.

The fundamental law of attraction is very straightforward. In fact, it's so obvious that many people just gloss over it. Are you ready? The fundamental law is: people want what they want, not what wants them. And this comes with a few important corollaries. Most notable among them is the fact that you can't make someone want you more by wanting them more. However, you might be able to make someone want you more by wanting them less. I'll discuss further in this episode.

The Zen master Charlotte Joko Beck talks about the empty canoe in her book, "Everyday Zen." It's a simple metaphor that reveals a profound truth about the human experience of anger: it requires the imputation of agency in order to flourish. If you remove the imputation of agency -- picture an empty canoe drifting mysteriously through the fog -- then the experience of anger will vanish shortly thereafter. If the universe is empty, why populate it with the ingredients of our own frustration?

Imagine an elementary school bully: a big, dopey boy that picks on other kids using the threat of violence. Do you think that one day that bully will wake up and say to himself: "you know, I've made some good money from this gig, but I don't think I need to do this anymore. I have enough lunch money"? That will never, ever, ever happen. You cannot comply your way out of bullying. And it's always easier to stand up for yourself in a relationship sooner as opposed to later.