PsycHacks

Contentment is the practice of turning toward the present moment and accepting it as sufficient. However, when I teach this to folks, the most common objection I hear is: "But, Orion, my present moment isn't sufficient. That's the problem! There are things that I want that I don't yet have." Fair enough. That said, I believe that the practice of contentment is perfectly compatible with goal-directed action. I'll explain how in this episode. Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans. #happy #psychology #mindfulness

Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans. In my previous episode, I discussed the importance of side hustles. In this episode, I'm going to tell the story of one of my businesses, a test prep company called StellarGRE. In the span of ten years, I went from living in public housing and putting up flyers to earning six-figures in my spare time. This was the first stage in reclaiming my life. With unwavering discipline and the right model for action, we are all capable of great things. #hustle #business #success

Most people give the best hours of most of the days of the best years of their lives to their jobs, and then content themselves with the crumbs left at their own tables. To reclaim your life, you must reclaim your time, and this ultimately depends on divorcing your time from your income. The first step in this process is developing multiple income streams, and you can start with a side hustle. In this episode, I give practical, actionable advice on how to get started. #hustle #money #success

Action is required because, if we do nothing, things fall apart. So goal-directed behavior is part and parcel of the human experience. However, in the near-infinite domain of human action, there are really only two goals, two avenues for all our efforts: we can either do something that we're not, or not do something that we are. Everything else is bluster, because (at heart) all goals are behavioral. #goals #success #psychology

"Cancer cures neurosis," is a quote from the great psychotherapist, Irvin Yalom, who (like me) got his start as a psychologist working with cancer patients. Among other things, he meant that a real problem tends to put things in perspective for folks. In this episode, I discuss how the core of neurosis is conflating a fake problem with a real problem, and how those who are actively dying tend to get very busy living. #cancer #psychology #health

In today's day and age, I still encounter women who lament the decline of chivalry. To some extent, I can appreciate their complaint as the end of certain social niceties. However, what these ladies don't seem to appreciate is the extent to which the unfreedom of women served as the rationale for chivalric action, and that a damsel must first be locked up in a tower in order to be saved. Otherwise, the whole chivalric effort becomes a ridiculous farce. #romantic #dating #relationship

Envy is one of the most destructive emotions we are subject to experiencing, and it its invisibility makes it particularly insidious. However, like any other emotion, it can be dismantled by understanding the necessary conditions from which it arises. My working definition of envy is that it is a perceived deficit relative to a self-relevant good relative to a perceived equal. This is somewhat complex, but I break down how this awareness can be used to neutralize the emotion. #psychology #emotions #envy

To celebrate Christmas, let's take a closer look at one of Jesus's teachings: the admonition to turn the other cheek. This teaching has been interpreted in many ways over the ages, and I'm going to offer another one. It's one that, I believe, accord very nicely with a nuanced understanding of human psychology. In this episode, I explain how turning the other cheek functionally places aggression on an extinction protocol by divesting aggression of its reinforcement mechanism. #jesus #peace #psychology

Self-esteem is the belief that, all things being equal, you're a worthwhile person. It's related to self-confidence, but it's technically a separate construct. Unfortunately, many folks out there struggle with low self-esteem, and don't think very highly of themselves (even if they're otherwise successful). Fortunately, there is a simple way to improve your self-esteem. It's a two-step process, and I'll outline both in this episode. #selflove #selfesteem #selfconfidence

The single best predictor of whether a person will benefit from psychotherapy is how miserable the person is when he first presents for treatment. And on some level, this makes sense. While life can always get worse, if you're going through a particularly difficult moment, it's actually more likely to improve if you make a change. This is called regression toward the mean. However, it works the other way as well. In this episode, I discuss the trap of a B- life. #success #blackjack #risk

Growing up, I often heard the saying: "if something is worth doing, it's worth doing well." And this certainly has some truth to it. Some activities shouldn't even be approached without a commitment to excellence at the outset. However, as I've gotten older, I've come to see this adage from a different perspective. I discuss what that is -- and its repercussions -- in this episode. #selfimprovement #success #achievement

The internet abounds with advice for men looking to become more dominant, more alpha. And almost all of this advice includes directives to get bigger, get stronger. While this is certainly a worthwhile goal, this direction can do men a disservice by equating physical presence with dominance. This is not the case. Dominance is psychological, not physical. And you already know this is true. The contest for dominance is fought on the psychological field in society. So do not neglect this important reality. #alpha #redpill #men

Without conscious intention, women are making society increasingly polygamous. This is a provocative statement, but some of the data bear it out. According to the General Social Survey, one in three men under 30 have not had sex in the previous year -- while only one in six women under 30 have done the same. This creates a ratio of 5 sexually active women to 4 sexually active men in this important age group. Put another way: about 20% of women under 30 are in a polygamous relationship -- whether they're aware of it or not. #dating #polygamy #women

I really dislike the phrase "my needs aren't being met." Not only does this obscure the truth, but it propagates a potentially dangerous lie in its place. A relationship in which a person's needs aren't being met is abusive; however, people in abusive relationship don't say that they're needs aren't being met. They say they are in an abusive relationship. So what does this phrase really mean? I'll discuss more in this episode. #needs #wants #relationship

Once someone passes through tragedy, they are no longer the same person, and their perception of reality has fundamentally changed. There is no going back. And this means that there are generally two classes of people: those who have passed through tragedy, and those who haven't passed through tragedy yet. These two groups basically live in two different worlds, in which many features of reality are invisible to those in the second category. I illustrate the psychological truth of this statement with an example from "Harry Potter." #harrypotter #loss #grief

Have you ever bought a car? If so, you had to do business with someone with whom your fundamental interests were misaligned. How did you go about doing this? Even if that car checked every one of your boxes, I doubt that you pursued the sale with unabashed enthusiasm, as this would be a stupid strategy. Dating isn't much different. The best way to negotiate a good deal for yourself is to approach the discussion from a place of indifference. I'll discuss more in this episode. #dating #attraction #game

Have you ever noticed that the people you're really interested in never seem to reciprocate your feelings? On the other hand, have you ever noticed that the people you can kinda take or leave seem to really want to have a relationship with you? Isn't that just the ironic tragedy of dating? However, it doesn't have to be this way. Almost certainly, you are making a fundamental mistake when it comes to how you are treating the people you are attracted to. I'll explain more in this episode. #attraction #dating #relationship

The holidays are upon us, my friends! For many, this is a wonderful time of year when folks get to spend precious time with loved ones. For others, it's a landmine of conflict and despair. This episode is for those in the latter category. Today I'll be talking about holiday safety planning -- a must when dealing with toxic family dynamics. Here are five concrete and actionable tips to stay sane this holiday season. #toxic #holidays #abuse

The younger man/older woman dynamic actually has a lot to speak for itself. Among other things, it generally occurs between two gendered classes that are roughly equivalent with respect to their normalized sexual marketplace values. What's more, both parties generally understand that the relationship is fairly short-term, making it one of the most sexually-charged matchups possible. Why this isn't done more often is beyond me. I discuss more in this episode. #olderwomen #cougars #relationship

After my episode, "Women treat men the way men treat jobs," I received a lot of requests asking for the same treatment from the other direction, namely: what are women to men? I've given it some thought, and this is what I came up with. Keep in mind that my intention here is to help women understand some otherwise bewildering male behavior so they can accept, heal, and ultimately have more rewarding relationships in the future. This is a longer treatment, so be sure to say until the end. #relationship #dating #men

To be indestructible, you must first understand how you are destructible. From a psychological perspective, you are destructible when you inappropriately identify with external reality. This basically means that you conflate what you have with who you are. This is dangerous, as any threat to a possession with which you are identified will be experienced psychologically as a threat on your essential being. However, if you can identify yourself with your self, then who can have power over you? I'll explain more in this episode. #stoicism #invincible #identity

The part that women always leave out refers to the responses of women to the question: "what are you looking for in a man?" These responses are typically a litany of positive character attributes: someone kind, someone loyal, someone family-oriented. However, women always leave out a very important part to their responses, and it's this omission that can really mess with men's heads. I'll explain what I mean in this episode. #dating #attraction #women

The value of recognition is inversely proportional to the degree to which you are paid in other ways. When you are unhappy or underpaid, recognition becomes very important to you; however, if you are happy and overpaid, it becomes significantly less so. As a result, we can consider recognition to be a poor man's currency. This is because rich men are paid in money. #recognition #business #money

Cheating seems to be rampant among successful men. Despite coming from different walks of life, and advancing up independent dominance hierarchies, men in top positions seem to be remarkably consistent in this behavior. This can't be just a coincidence. At first blush, cheating in successful men makes little-to-no sense, because the risk-reward profile is insanely high. However, if we change the way we look at things, this behavior can be understood (without judgment). I'll discuss more in this episode. #cheating #power #success

Many people often approach dating through the lens of shared interests. While there is a grain of wisdom to this perspective, it ultimately doesn't make a lot of sense to do this. And there are two main reasons for this. First: shared interests are factual disclosures, and factual disclosures do not increase attraction or chemistry (which is what people are generally looking for in a relationship). And second: your interests (and your partner's interests) will change in time. If the basis of your relationship is your shared interests, how will it continue when those interests inevitably shift? #dating #attraction #relationship

Before I began my training as a therapist, I believed that insight was the royal road to mental health. The belief was that if folks just understood why they do the things that they do, they would be able to use that awareness to solve whatever difficulty they happened to be facing. However, my time at an outpatient substance abuse clinic disabused me of that belief. During that time, I worked with many alcoholics who were incredibly insightful into the nature of their addictions, but who remained addicts nonetheless. I'll speak more about this in this episode. #insight #therapy #psychology

In our culture, we tend to have a very negative opinion associated with asking "what's in it for me?" in the context of our close and intimate relationships. It is perceived as selfish, or even mercenary. However, I'm here to argue that asking this question is actually the origin of free and equal relationships, provided both parties are at liberty to ask it. On the contrary, any relationship where one party is discouraged (or prevented) from asking the question is exploitative, by definition. #relationship #equality #freedom

Today I'll be speaking of the myth of completion: what it is and where it comes from. I argue that belief in the idea of completion is something of a perceptual artifact, an unintended consequence of a certain point of view. From the perspective of an observer, things end; however, from the perspective of a creator, nothing ever ends. There is just the decision to move on. The repercussions for relationships are also discussed. #relationship #breakup #complete

This talk will be a continuation of my previous episode "When are men and women most attractive?" So be sure to listen to that one first. In this episode, I'll be taking some of the results discussed in the peer-reviewed article "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below) one step further, namely: by advancing my own hypothesis on why people get married when they do. Given the data on perceived desirability across the lifespan, it makes sense from a game theory perspective that women would push for long-term commitment while the desirability gap still favors them. The data show that this gap switches preference around 30 years of age. Is it just a coincidence that the median age of women at first marriage in the US is 29 years-old? "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815 #marriage #dating #relationship

In this episode, I'll be unpacking some of the results of the peer-reviewed research described in the article, "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below). After analyzing the private, anonymous behavior of hundreds of thousands of heterosexual men and women on a popular dating app across four independent metropolitan areas, the researchers discovered a number of surprising (but consistent) findings. Today I'll be talking about one of them: desirability as a function of age. Apparently, women were most desirable to men at 18 years-old, and men were most desirable to women at 50 years-old. It turns out that men like younger women in large part because women like older men. "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815 #dating #attraction #relationship

A common complaint that I hear from women in the dating market is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't take initiative; they don't confidently lead the relationship; they don't know where to "put their hands" (both figuratively and literally). Where have all the real men gone? After giving it some thought, I realized that these issues may have an unlikely culprit: the concept of respect. Respect might mean different things to men than it does to women, and these differences might be impacting the dating game in ways we haven't yet fully appreciated as a culture. In this episode, I will discuss three of these potential differences. #respect #dating #relationship

Human beings are prone to all kinds of biases. However, there is one that is so prevalent across cultures that psychologists have given it a special name: the fundamental attribution error. Almost certainly, this error is active in your own mental processes, and to your detriment. In this episode, I will explain what the fundamental attribution error is (using concrete examples), as well as discuss what to do about it, if you're looking to make a change. #bias #psychology #psychologyfacts

In this episode, I will discuss the principles of commitment and exclusivity. All exclusivity is committed, but not all commitment is exclusive. To explain the differences between these two concepts, I will use an economic model, which reveals the degree to which exclusivity of all kinds must (of necessity) be substantially more expensive than mere commitment. The consequences for romantic relationships are also duly discussed. #exclusive #commitment #relationship

In this episode, I will discuss another important aspect of romantic love: solipsism. This is the belief that nothing exists outside of the self, or -- in the case of romantic love -- outside of the merged dyad. As I explained in a previous episode in the series, "Romance is for men," romance was invented by lower-status men for lower-status men as a means of competing with higher-status men for the most desirable women. As a result, one of the imperatives of the romantic lover is to lure the love object away from the competition of these higher-status men. Since he cannot rule in the real world, the romantic lover will create his own solipsistic universe where he can be king. "Chasing cars:" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w #romance #relationship #dating

This is another episode in my "Neglected kinds of love" series, in which I approach the concept of love from a spiritual perspective by examining the observed relationship between the Higher Power and the created universe. In this episode, I'll make the argument that space is an attribute of love, a kind of loving. Though we build structure, we use emptiness. And this emptiness is the container within which life and prosperity are possible -- so it must be aligned with love, the force that nurtures both. #love #spirituality #space

In a previous episode, "Three steps to becoming more confident," I discussed the pathway embedded in my working definition of confidence, namely: the consistent, felt experience of success. In this episode, I'll reveal a mystery in the word itself that can take our comprehension of the concept to the next level. What does confidence have to do with faith? And how can we use faith to become more confident? #confidence #faith #selflove

Given my experience as an actor, I was able to learn a good deal about gay culture and relationships. This allowed me to identify a few things that gay folks do well in their relationships and that straight folks would do well to acknowledge. Foremost among these things is the lack of reliance on assumptive frameworks when creating the structure of a relationship. Since there aren't really any publicly-visible, archetypal models for gay relationships, everything about that relationship must be explicitly negotiated between the individuals involved. This reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and increases the goodness of fit between the relationship and the constituent parties. #dating #relationship #gay

This episode discusses one of my most mind-blowing realizations about romance. Most folks -- men and women -- believe that the modern expressions of romance -- flowers and poetry and bent-knee proposals -- are for women. However, this is not actually the case. The truth of the matter is that romance is for men, specifically lower-status men who historically have found it difficult to compete with higher-status men for the most desirable women. As I will discuss, evidence for this perspective is all around us. We need only look clearly. "Two princes": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsdy_rct6uo #romance #relationship #dating

If you're having trouble keeping a promising relationship past the six-month mark, then this episode is for you. The truth is that most relationships don't last, and the primary reason why they don't is something that I call the "crisis of disillusionment." Almost all relationships are built upon an initial foundation of projected fantasy. Over time, disconfirming evidence to the contrary accumulates and the fantasy eventually is unable to withstand the assault of reality: this is the crisis of disillusionment. It's inevitable, and it's really when the relationship begins -- if it ever does. #dating #relationship #datingadvice

Make no mistake: sex is important to women. However, as important as it is, it's not as important to women as it is to men. In this episode, I'll attempt to explain why sex is so important to men, and why it's the key to keeping men in your life. To do this, I'll make use of an analogy from the other big pillar of adult life: work. In the hierarchy of needs, it makes sense to prioritize those that are unique to a given relationship. #sex #dating #relationship

This episode builds on the conclusions of my previous episode, "Women want it all." Today I'll be tackling the age-old complaint of all also-rans: nice guys finish last. The flip side of this is the analogous complaint that women love jerks. However, it only looks like women choose jerks from the perspective of nice guys. The fact of the matter is that this isn't entirely true, and I'll explain why using the results of psychological research. And since men typically understand business better than they understand women, I'll use a professional framework to illustrate my points. #dating #niceguys #relationship

Today I'm going to be talking about one of my all-time favorite pieces of psychological research, an article entitled "Attractive women want it all" (see link below). When presented with an extensive list of potential partner attributes, women ranked as most attractive by a panel of men expressed an interest in every attribute on the list. They literally wanted every single thing. However, they apparently didn't want every single thing equally. I'll discuss the upshot of this research with respect to male dating strategy. "Attractive women want it all": https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/147470490800600116 #dating #relationship #attraction

I was recently inspired to begin a series on what seems to me to be socially neglected attributes of love. My model for love is spiritual, and -- assuming a omnibenevolent Higher Power -- I try to understand what love is by observing the Divine's relationship with the created universe. Assuming this framework takes us far away from the comfortable, fuzzy feelings that dominate the social conception of love. In this episode, I'll discuss one aspect of that observed relationship, namely: order. Order, as the fundamental attribute that makes life and prosperity possible, must be an essential component of love. #love #spritual #order

This is an episode for women trying to use online dating apps to enter into relationships with men. Pre-screening is when the woman takes control of the courtship and attempts to further qualify the man after he asks her out on a date. While this is almost certainly done by women out of a desire not to waste their time, my argument is that pre-screening is not a good idea, as it generally does not achieve the women's desired outcome. There are three reasons why this is the case, as I discuss in this episode. #dating #relationship #datingadvice

I often hear women on the dating market speak of their difficulties in finding a man interested in a committed, long-term relationship. In this episode, I will explain why that might be the case. To the extent that the purpose of dating is to enter into such a relationship, modern dating doesn't work. And that is because the privileges given to and the responsibilities expected of men are not allocated properly over the course of a relationship to incentivize his commitment. Until this is addressed, women will be fighting an uphill battle. "Men want to be alone": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9blas1Xtoc #commitment #relationship #dating

This one is for the ladies. In this episode, I'll explain how you may be inadvertently messing up with the men you actually want to keep in your life. Most women punish the men they like, and this behavior can drive away the ones you want to stay. Absenting an explicit commitment to the contrary, if a certain behavior wouldn't bother you coming from a man you could take or leave, you shouldn't let it bother you coming from a man you really like. This doesn't mean putting up with bad behavior. It means that the definition of bad behavior doesn't change depending on your feelings. #dating #relationship #attraction

Much has been said of late on men's attraction to younger women, and much of this has been said before. Men are visual creatures; men are expressing a preference; men are using beauty as a signal for fertility, etc. You already know these reasons, so this episode does not discuss them. This episode discusses another reason men are attracted to younger women: a reason so obvious that it almost never gets talked about (though it's staring us all in the face). #dating #attraction #men

This episode is a continuation of a previous episode, entitled "Women have more options in the sexual marketplace." In that episode, I mentioned how the modern optionality of women down at the docks solves some problems and creates others. This episode will be devoted to examining the biggest problem created by this optionality: the two body problem. What happens when two captains enter into a relationship? The outcome is fairly predictable. #dating #relationship #sex

In a short responding to a comment to my episode, "What is the sexual marketplace?", I noted in passing that women have more options in the sexual marketplace. I'll explain why this is true in this episode. In short, women today are supported, encouraged, and incentivized to become captains themselves. This means that women have two options available to them when they go down to the docks: they can build a boat or they can enlist as a passenger. Men, however, still only have one real option. The consequences of this situation are far-reaching and will be discussed in future episodes. #dating #relationship #sex

This has been my single most important realization with respect to dating and relationships, as it helped me understand much about the process that would otherwise have remained painful and incomprehensible. Women treat men the way men treat jobs. Women enter into relationships with men who they believe can offer them the best opportunity to further their goals, all other things being equal, and they will lateral to another relationship if another man can entice them with a more compelling offer. I expand on the analogy throughout the episode. #dating #relationship #attraction