PsycHacks

The mastery of life boils down to one thing: the ability to be in the world, but not of the world. This is extremely easy to say and extraordinarily difficult to do. It means to participate fully in one's life and to cultivate the good that is possible, while remaining completely non-attached to one's life and prepared to surrender the cultivated good, as needed. This is a sign of spiritual mastery and model of being to which we can all aspire. #master #spritual #life

Masculinity and femininity are concepts that demand definition. In my personal opinion, both are attributes of the soul that are correlated to (but not coincident with) biological sex. As such, both men and women possess masculine and feminine aspects, and some folks are high (or low) in both. Like many other topics, the present one reminds us that people are complex, and that we shouldn't work too hard to restrict our thinking to "all-or-nothing," dichotomous poles. #masculinity #femininity #gender

One of the inescapable realities of human existence is that every action bears a likeness to the internal state of the actor. This means that we can't not communicate. That said, the intended state is not always accurately perceived by the observer, and the observer can occasionally perceive internal states that were not intended by the actor. To illustrate these principles, I discuss an historical example from the operation of the Allied intelligence agencies during World War II. #communication #relationship #information

In the popular imagination, every emotional wound can be healed with sufficient time and adequate treatment. However, this is not true. Not everyone can be saved, and therapy doesn't always work. What's more, when it does work, it often creates a kind of scar, which (like its physical analogue) lacks the suppleness and sensitivity of the original material. We all must grieve what doesn't return through healing. That said, there is usually enough left over for us to keep moving forward. #healing #therapy #selfhelp

Like pleasure and pain, there is a fundamental and irreducible asymmetry between creation and destruction. That which required decades of painstaking labor and inordinate talent to create can be destroyed in a matter of seconds with sufficient power and malice. A great example of this imbalance can be found in the realm of social media. I'll discuss more in this episode. #creative #destruction #socialmedia

Though extremely complex, society is fundamentally a collection of relationships between and among individuals. So what is true about relationships often holds true for society, as well. Consequently, much like individuals can find themselves in passionate romantic relationships, society can find itself in passionate ideological movements. In both cases, however, the experience is short-lived: the fire burns with such intensity that it cannot be sustained. In fact, humanity changes slowly, if at all, and, in order to sustain themselves, relationships (and ideologies) should accommodate to this reality. #change #relationship #humanity

One of the most widely-known verses of the New Testament is the one in which Jesus instructs us to "love your neighbor as yourself." This verse is usually understood to be a commandment, and it certainly can be interpreted as such. However, there is another way of looking at this instruction as a revelatory observation on reality, namely: that you love your neighbor as you love yourself. I'll discuss this interpretation further in this episode. #jesus #love #christianity

In a previous podcast, I discussed how there are really only two ways to go about dating: you can hunt or you can fish. In this episode, I'll be talking about hunting: what it is and how to do it well. This is an approach that generally works better the higher your standardized sexual marketplace value; however, everyone can improve their skills in this regard. Listen to the episode to learn more. #dating #hunting #relationships

According to recent statistics, women are anywhere from one-and-a-half to three times more likely to seek out mental health services in a given 12-month period than men are. This means that between 60-75% of psychotherapy patients at any given time are women. Why might this be the case? In this episode, I will discuss my pet theory on the subject, which describes how several historical factors conspired to enshrine certain biases in the theory and practice of psychotherapy that continue to exude their influence today. #therapy #psychology #gendergap

The word "conviction" has a mystery inside of it that is revealed by examining its etymological origins. It comes from the Latin words "con," meaning "with," and "vincere," meaning "to conquer." "Conviction" literally means "with conquering," or -- perhaps more felicitously -- "with victory." But victory over what? I'll discuss more in this episode. #conviction #victory #confidence

Luck is not necessarily just the chaotic, random element of chance that pervades the universe. It's a factor over which you can have some measure of influence. The Roman philosopher, Seneca, tells us how: "luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." Therefore, in order to improve your luck, you need to (a) prepare and (b) create opportunities. I'll discuss what that might look like in the context of dating in this episode. #luck #opportunity #dating

Core emotional wounds are psychic injuries inflicted in the context of one's primary attachment relationships. That means that they are generally formed in relationship with one's parents in childhood. These wounds come in two general flavors: "I'm not good enough" and "I'm not lovable." The pain of these wounds can distort the lens of subjectivity, such that one's very perceptions of oneself, other people, and the world become distorted. And, if unaddressed, they can give rise to a host of compensatory behaviors designed to "bargain" with the world for what they did not receive in appropriate quantities when they were younger. #attachment #cognition #psychology

As people move through life, they are subject to experiencing great pain, suffering, and trauma. And the healthy response to these experiences is to withdraw from and avoid further contact with them. The problem is that these experiences exist in reality -- so withdrawing from and avoiding contact with them also means withdrawing from and avoiding reality. And withdrawing from and avoiding reality can create its own pain, suffering, and trauma. Enter mental illness: it is a compromise solution that enables the individual to avoid pain and suffering as much as possible while avoiding the reality in which they exist as little as possible. #mentalhealth #mentalillness #psychopathology

In this episode, I talk about a realization that I had many years ago with respect to my competitiveness and drive. If misapplied -- that is, if applied toward the general enrichment of someone else -- these otherwise positive qualities can become a trap. To the extent that you are not yet your own master, you are still someone else's slave -- and excelling in that role is not necessarily in your best interests. #competition #ambition #slave

A company that blames and shames its customer base for not parting with its hard-earned money is arrogant and misguided. It's a bad business that blames its customers. If a company is not yet enjoying the success it would prefer to enjoy in the marketplace, it has a problem with its marketing, a problem with its product, or both. This is a lesson easily generalizable to dating and relationships. If you are not yet enjoying the success you would prefer to enjoy in the sexual marketplace, you have a problem with your marketing, a problem with your product, or both. #business #dating #accountability

The title says it all: if you punish the truth, you're asking to be lied to. And why is that? Because expecting other people to prioritize honesty irrespective of the social, financial, or relational consequences of doing so is asking too much of people. If the truth is met with hostility, indignation, or ostracization, most people will never make the mistake of being honest with you again. And this puts you at a significant disadvantage by infusing your relationships with unreality. #truth #lies #relationships

The three goals of human interaction is a concept developed by Marsha Linehan for her dialectal behavior therapy module on interpersonal effectiveness. According to Linehan, there are really only three goals humans can have when interacting with others: effectiveness, harmony, and self-respect. Ideally, all three goals are (more or less) met in the course of our interactions; however, sometimes this isn't practically possible. Linehan advocates the conscious and strategic prioritization of one goal over the others in these cases. I'll discuss more in this episode. #dbt #relationships #communication

This is an old psychotherapy saw: "you've got to feel it to heal it." So what does it really mean? I'm not quite sure how it works, but unprocessed emotions don't really go away. They exist in a kind of frozen state somewhere beneath the threshold of awareness. To relieve oneself of their burden, it's necessary to experience their affective component with awareness. In fact, you can think of feeling as the subjective experience of an emotion leaving the body. I'll discuss more in this episode. #feeling #emotions #trauma

There are only two kinds of dates: good dates and practice for good dates. Considering anything that doesn't lead to sex or relationship a failure is neither fair nor accurate -- and it is a perspective that will very quickly lead to burnout. By the same token, dating regularly will help prevent you from getting rusty. Conversation, flirtation, and seduction are all skills that will atrophy without regular practice. By going out frequently, you'll keep yourself in a state in which you will be able to take fullest advantage of good opportunities when they do present themselves. #dating #relationships #attraction

This is an episode specifically for the 20-somethings in the audience. Have you ever been the last person to leave a house party? Chance are is wasn't a great experience, as nothing good happens after a certain point in the evening. Well, the same is true to your 20s, in general. Over time, for better or for worse, your friends will come to prioritize other aspects of their lives above their social lives. By their early 30s, they will all have better things to do than getting wasted on the weekend -- and so should you. #friends #party #20s

A case can be made for the unconditionality of love from a spiritual perspective. However, even assuming that love is unconditional, the fact of the matter is that relationships are not. Relationships are -- and should be -- conditional. This is because people are people -- and placing people in situations where they are not accountable for their actions encourages corruption and cruelty. In this episode, I'll discuss the concept of "justifiability" with respect to love, promulgated by the creator of dialectical behavior therapy, Marsha Linehan. #love #relationships #unconditionallove

The ugly truth about commitment is that if you are committed up until the point that you aren't, you were never committed to begin with. And it's this "uncommitted commitment" that is one of the factors primarily responsible for the sorry state of dating today. Even our highest form of commitment -- the institution of marriage -- has become an at-will relationship that can be unilaterally terminated by one party at any time, at no fault of the other, and often to the benefit of the party breaching the agreement. And this is the outcome that occurs more than half of the time. Such a commitment is a liability, as it gives people the illusion of security that is not supported by the reality of the agreement. #commitment #marriage #relationships

The asymmetricality of pain and pleasure is one of the most infuriating aspects of being alive. Not only are there many more different flavors of pain than there are of pleasure, pain is generally experienced as being more painful than pleasure is pleasurable. This means, in order to have a non-miserable life, you need significantly more pleasure than pain. The same is true in your relationships. In this episode, I'll discuss John Gottman's "magic ratio" of positive-to-negative experiences required to make relationships flourish. #pleasure #relationships #love

It's important to be careful about asking for advice. Ask too many people and you're bound to get conflicting direction. Ask the wrong people and you'll receive bad counsel. In relaying a personal anecdote, I discuss some of the "do's" and "don't's" of asking for advice, including only asking help from folks who have what you want or who have a demonstrated ability to do what you want to do. I'll also share a much better question to ask your helpers to receive more practical advice. #advice #help #mentors

If you want to be great, then you must accept the inevitability of failure. The greatest athletes in any sport have lost more games than the average player ever wins, simply by virtue of their continued excellence over time. In fact, professional athletes offer a fantastic model for coping with failure: it's reality-based, non-defensive, and future-oriented. I'll discuss more in this episode. #failure #athletes #lebron

At their core, all vices are amnestic disorders. The reason they persist is that -- at the moment of decision -- people forget the pain and suffering that have consistently attended the behavior in the past and focus exclusively on the short-term pleasure. In the words of Sigmund Freud: "we can either remember, or we can repeat." The way out of this trap requires mindfulness, which is how we generally talk about the original Pali word that can also be translated as "remembering." I'll discuss more in this episode. #mindfulness #habits #selfimprovement

Research indicates that the majority of people believe that they are above average in most domains, and that most people believe that they deserve more recognition than they receive. Given the popularity of such beliefs, there is little extraordinary about them. On the other hand, humility -- the practice of finding peace with being extra ordinary -- is an extremely rare attribute. By unpacking the mystery of this word, we find a path toward extraordinariness that is open to everyone. #extraordinary #humility #peace

Life is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be experienced. One of the corollaries of this position is that reducing reality to the rationally comprehensible -- while potentially intellectually comforting -- diminishes the experience of that reality. The fact of the matter is that the universe has no obligation to "make sense" to us, and certain things must just be accepted for what they are. #life #mystery #wisdom

The sexual marketplace is everywhere, and we are all a part of it. Whether we like it or not, our perceived value in this marketplace -- more than any other single factor -- determines our optionality relative to potential sexual partners at any given place and time. In this episode, I will introduce the sexual marketplace by way of an extended metaphor: that of a harbor or pier where men present their vessels for women's inspection. #dating #relationships #harbor

There are two general ways to approach dating: you can hunt or you can fish. It's good for men and women to know how to do both. However, in general, the higher your sexual marketplace value, the more likely hunting will be a successful strategy for you, and vice versa. In this episode, I will briefly delineate the differences between the two approaches. One is not necessarily better than the other, though they are quite distinct in their approach to mate selection. #dating #hunting #fishing

Men and women are different. And one of the most relevant of those differences for dating is the fact that men and women prioritize different things in sexual selection. One of the fallacies that I see both sexes operating under in the modern dating scene is assuming that what one is attracted to is also what will attract the opposite sex. This causes both men and women to signal the "wrong things" in the sexual marketplace. I'll discuss further in this episode. #dating #sex #gender

The "fear of commitment" is generally a judgment leveled by women at men when their invitation to relationship is rejected. However, while there are likely some men who are legitimately fearful of commitment, this is not the case for the vast majority of men, most of whom understand the importance of duty and teamwork. In this episode, I will explain -- using examples from my own life -- what is really going on when a man turns down an invitation to relationship. #commitment #dating #relationships

The fundamental romantic misunderstanding is the misunderstanding that tends to trip people up most often in the context of their romantic relationships. Very simply: it is the state in which one's attraction due to circumstances has been mistaken for one's attraction to a specific individual. This basically happens when you positively respond to the circumstances around a person, as opposed to the person himself or herself. I'll discuss why this is a problem, and what to do about it in today's episode. #romance #dating #relationships

It's easier than you think to get people to like you more. Unfortunately, in attempting to do so, most people are actively decreasing attraction. Don't be like most people! In this episode, I'll discuss both what this simple trick is and why it works on others. The magic is that the increase in attraction generally occurs beneath the threshold of awareness -- which means that this trick works, whether they like it or not. Watch the episode to learn more. #attraction #relationships #dating

This will be my first attempt at Storytime, in which I share a lesson gleaned from my personal life experience. In this episode, I'll relate the story of how I thwarted an attempted mugging while I was walking in the Chinese countryside. The takeaway is the psychological power of "half-ness," which exercises a fascinating influence on men. Hope you enjoy! #storytime #mugging #half

This is not a very popular view, but danger and uncertainty are essential components of continual self-improvement. In this episode, I'll discuss the concepts of "responsible danger" and "predictable uncertainty" -- both why they are useful and what they might look like. The idea is to use danger and uncertainty with intentionality to expose yourself to the challenge and novelty necessary for constant growth and personal development. #danger #uncertainty #growth

Epicurus was an ancient Greek philosopher who wrote extensively on the subject of happiness. He was fundamentally a hedonist, who is someone who believes that people are motivated to avoid pain and secure pleasure. However, the ideas of pleasure and hedonism have been largely misunderstood by contemporary audiences. In this episode, I'll discuss some of the things Epicurus actually said on these subjects, and how they can help us all to be happier. #happiness #pleasure #hedonism

We all know that social media offers a distorted view of reality. In this episode, I'll discuss precisely how it does that using an analogy. The fact of the matter is that people do not indiscriminately share good things with the world, because the world will only ruin them. Therefore, any perceived good on social media is either (a) not actually good, or (b) not actually theirs. Only a fool would intentionally try to provoke the envy of others if he had something worth having. #instagram #facebook #envy

This is a phrase I picked up from the 12-step community. Basically, it means that there is no absolute limit to suffering, and that each person decides for himself or herself when enough is enough. If you're in a relationship with an addict, this realization is heartbreaking and infuriating -- but it's true. On the other hand, if bottom is subjective, then there's nothing stopping someone from throwing that shovel away today. #recovery #addiction #suffering

It's important to learn how to cleanly, clearly, and effectively communicate. The ultimate ideal is to achieve impeccability with your word, in which your word is pristine, true, and binding. In this episode, I'll discuss two practices that I took on years ago to move in this direction with my language. If you adopt these practices in your own life, I wager that you will be able to avoid many of the more common pitfalls associated with speech. Let me know how it goes! #word #communication #integrity

Killing the hope is an emotional survival strategy. If you find yourself ruminating about an ex, or holding on to the dream of reconciliation, it may be necessary to kill the hope inside of you. This is a ruthless procedure, but one that can wrest your heart free of months (or years) of suffering. The way to kill the hope is to practice TRUE no contact, which is no inner contact with the internalized object of your ex. I'll explain more in this episode. #nocontact #exback #heartbreak

A deal breaker is anything that would motivate your willingness to leave a relationship, even if everything else about that relationship were ideal. In this episode, I'll discuss "organic deal breakers," which are behaviors that are deal breakers by virtue of the fact that they, if left unchecked, will destroy the relationship all by themselves, as well as how to broach a discussion about deal breakers with your partner. I also speak on the importance of not complaining unnecessarily about your partner. #relationships #dealbreakers #communication

For some folks, it's harder to accept a compliment than criticism. In this episode, I'll discuss a trick I use to receive compliments without embarrassment or vanity. Basically, I flexibly shift my perspective to join with the complimenter in appreciation of whatever is being complimented. By doing so, I can share in the experience of appreciation without being a passive receptacle for praise. And this is important because receiving a compliment well can be a gift to the complimenter. #compliments #praise #awkward

In today's foray into pop psychology, I'll be discussing the relationship between James Bond and his gadgets. Though he is plied with fancy watches and flashy cars, Bond is able to utilize status and luxury as a means to an end: the accomplishment of his mission. In this way, he offers us an important lesson on the appropriate relationship to materialism: it's just stuff. It's useful to the extent that it furthers our goals. After which point, it all becomes disposable. #007 #jamesbond #notimetodie

This is a realization that came to me while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail, a nearly 2700-mile long hiking path connecting Mexico to Canada. Despite my lack of ostensible progress from one day to the next, I understood that the path -- the thing literally beneath my feet -- was already at my destination. This realization came with a couple of corollaries, which I will briefly discuss in this episode. #motivation #hope #growth

To understand that, to be free, we cannot do whatever we want, we need only look to nature. The Earth, for example, has enjoyed free and unobstructed motion around the sun for billions of years, because it has restricted itself to an orbit that allows that motion to continue. A decision that restricts freedom over time is really just destruction in slow motion. So, to preserve our freedom, we are paradoxically not free to make these decisions. I'll discuss more in this episode. #freedom #choice #desire

This is a topic that has been requested many times by my listeners. It's difficult to love without emotional attachment, but it's extremely important to learn to do so. If you don't, you'll either participate in games of control or resign yourself to the emotional roller coaster. The key to loving without attachment is to treat people like cats. Using this extended metaphor, I'll discuss strategies for loving others that preserve their freedom and autonomy. #love #attachment #cats

I occasionally work with clients who are distressed over the apparently unfair treatment they have received from their parents relative to their siblings, who they believe have been given everything on a silver platter. A simple tactic I've developed to respond to envy (especially in the context of siblings) is to ask: would you change places with them? In ten years, I've yet to meet someone who would. And if you believe the situation is unfair, but you wouldn't switch places with the other party, then you might be in a more advantageous position than you realize. #siblings #envy #fairness

This one is for the straight ladies. It's important to understand that men approach dating and relationships differently than you do. As is often the case in life, the direct path isn't always the best way to get what you want. If you appreciate that your dating profile is essentially an advertisement, you can begin to market yourself more strategically to your target audience. In this episode, I'll discuss the worst thing to say in your dating profile, and provide an alternative strategy. #dating #attraction #relationships

This one is for the workaholics. The delay of gratification is an important skill to cultivate if you want to be successful and high-achieving. However, if you don't also practice enjoying your life along the way, you won't be able to do so once you ultimately attain your goals. This is all the more true if hard work and self-denial come easily to you. I'll discuss more in this episode. #success #pleasure #practice