PsycHacks

To be indestructible, you must first understand how you are destructible. From a psychological perspective, you are destructible when you inappropriately identify with external reality. This basically means that you conflate what you have with who you are. This is dangerous, as any threat to a possession with which you are identified will be experienced psychologically as a threat on your essential being. However, if you can identify yourself with your self, then who can have power over you? I'll explain more in this episode. #stoicism #invincible #identity

The part that women always leave out refers to the responses of women to the question: "what are you looking for in a man?" These responses are typically a litany of positive character attributes: someone kind, someone loyal, someone family-oriented. However, women always leave out a very important part to their responses, and it's this omission that can really mess with men's heads. I'll explain what I mean in this episode. #dating #attraction #women

The value of recognition is inversely proportional to the degree to which you are paid in other ways. When you are unhappy or underpaid, recognition becomes very important to you; however, if you are happy and overpaid, it becomes significantly less so. As a result, we can consider recognition to be a poor man's currency. This is because rich men are paid in money. #recognition #business #money

Cheating seems to be rampant among successful men. Despite coming from different walks of life, and advancing up independent dominance hierarchies, men in top positions seem to be remarkably consistent in this behavior. This can't be just a coincidence. At first blush, cheating in successful men makes little-to-no sense, because the risk-reward profile is insanely high. However, if we change the way we look at things, this behavior can be understood (without judgment). I'll discuss more in this episode. #cheating #power #success

Many people often approach dating through the lens of shared interests. While there is a grain of wisdom to this perspective, it ultimately doesn't make a lot of sense to do this. And there are two main reasons for this. First: shared interests are factual disclosures, and factual disclosures do not increase attraction or chemistry (which is what people are generally looking for in a relationship). And second: your interests (and your partner's interests) will change in time. If the basis of your relationship is your shared interests, how will it continue when those interests inevitably shift? #dating #attraction #relationship

Before I began my training as a therapist, I believed that insight was the royal road to mental health. The belief was that if folks just understood why they do the things that they do, they would be able to use that awareness to solve whatever difficulty they happened to be facing. However, my time at an outpatient substance abuse clinic disabused me of that belief. During that time, I worked with many alcoholics who were incredibly insightful into the nature of their addictions, but who remained addicts nonetheless. I'll speak more about this in this episode. #insight #therapy #psychology

In our culture, we tend to have a very negative opinion associated with asking "what's in it for me?" in the context of our close and intimate relationships. It is perceived as selfish, or even mercenary. However, I'm here to argue that asking this question is actually the origin of free and equal relationships, provided both parties are at liberty to ask it. On the contrary, any relationship where one party is discouraged (or prevented) from asking the question is exploitative, by definition. #relationship #equality #freedom

Today I'll be speaking of the myth of completion: what it is and where it comes from. I argue that belief in the idea of completion is something of a perceptual artifact, an unintended consequence of a certain point of view. From the perspective of an observer, things end; however, from the perspective of a creator, nothing ever ends. There is just the decision to move on. The repercussions for relationships are also discussed. #relationship #breakup #complete

This talk will be a continuation of my previous episode "When are men and women most attractive?" So be sure to listen to that one first. In this episode, I'll be taking some of the results discussed in the peer-reviewed article "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below) one step further, namely: by advancing my own hypothesis on why people get married when they do. Given the data on perceived desirability across the lifespan, it makes sense from a game theory perspective that women would push for long-term commitment while the desirability gap still favors them. The data show that this gap switches preference around 30 years of age. Is it just a coincidence that the median age of women at first marriage in the US is 29 years-old? "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815 #marriage #dating #relationship

In this episode, I'll be unpacking some of the results of the peer-reviewed research described in the article, "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets" (link below). After analyzing the private, anonymous behavior of hundreds of thousands of heterosexual men and women on a popular dating app across four independent metropolitan areas, the researchers discovered a number of surprising (but consistent) findings. Today I'll be talking about one of them: desirability as a function of age. Apparently, women were most desirable to men at 18 years-old, and men were most desirable to women at 50 years-old. It turns out that men like younger women in large part because women like older men. "Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets": https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/sciadv.aap9815 #dating #attraction #relationship

A common complaint that I hear from women in the dating market is that men don't seem to know what to do with them. They don't take initiative; they don't confidently lead the relationship; they don't know where to "put their hands" (both figuratively and literally). Where have all the real men gone? After giving it some thought, I realized that these issues may have an unlikely culprit: the concept of respect. Respect might mean different things to men than it does to women, and these differences might be impacting the dating game in ways we haven't yet fully appreciated as a culture. In this episode, I will discuss three of these potential differences. #respect #dating #relationship

Human beings are prone to all kinds of biases. However, there is one that is so prevalent across cultures that psychologists have given it a special name: the fundamental attribution error. Almost certainly, this error is active in your own mental processes, and to your detriment. In this episode, I will explain what the fundamental attribution error is (using concrete examples), as well as discuss what to do about it, if you're looking to make a change. #bias #psychology #psychologyfacts

In this episode, I will discuss the principles of commitment and exclusivity. All exclusivity is committed, but not all commitment is exclusive. To explain the differences between these two concepts, I will use an economic model, which reveals the degree to which exclusivity of all kinds must (of necessity) be substantially more expensive than mere commitment. The consequences for romantic relationships are also duly discussed. #exclusive #commitment #relationship

In this episode, I will discuss another important aspect of romantic love: solipsism. This is the belief that nothing exists outside of the self, or -- in the case of romantic love -- outside of the merged dyad. As I explained in a previous episode in the series, "Romance is for men," romance was invented by lower-status men for lower-status men as a means of competing with higher-status men for the most desirable women. As a result, one of the imperatives of the romantic lover is to lure the love object away from the competition of these higher-status men. Since he cannot rule in the real world, the romantic lover will create his own solipsistic universe where he can be king. "Chasing cars:" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GemKqzILV4w #romance #relationship #dating

This is another episode in my "Neglected kinds of love" series, in which I approach the concept of love from a spiritual perspective by examining the observed relationship between the Higher Power and the created universe. In this episode, I'll make the argument that space is an attribute of love, a kind of loving. Though we build structure, we use emptiness. And this emptiness is the container within which life and prosperity are possible -- so it must be aligned with love, the force that nurtures both. #love #spirituality #space

In a previous episode, "Three steps to becoming more confident," I discussed the pathway embedded in my working definition of confidence, namely: the consistent, felt experience of success. In this episode, I'll reveal a mystery in the word itself that can take our comprehension of the concept to the next level. What does confidence have to do with faith? And how can we use faith to become more confident? #confidence #faith #selflove

Given my experience as an actor, I was able to learn a good deal about gay culture and relationships. This allowed me to identify a few things that gay folks do well in their relationships and that straight folks would do well to acknowledge. Foremost among these things is the lack of reliance on assumptive frameworks when creating the structure of a relationship. Since there aren't really any publicly-visible, archetypal models for gay relationships, everything about that relationship must be explicitly negotiated between the individuals involved. This reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings and increases the goodness of fit between the relationship and the constituent parties. #dating #relationship #gay

This episode discusses one of my most mind-blowing realizations about romance. Most folks -- men and women -- believe that the modern expressions of romance -- flowers and poetry and bent-knee proposals -- are for women. However, this is not actually the case. The truth of the matter is that romance is for men, specifically lower-status men who historically have found it difficult to compete with higher-status men for the most desirable women. As I will discuss, evidence for this perspective is all around us. We need only look clearly. "Two princes": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsdy_rct6uo #romance #relationship #dating

If you're having trouble keeping a promising relationship past the six-month mark, then this episode is for you. The truth is that most relationships don't last, and the primary reason why they don't is something that I call the "crisis of disillusionment." Almost all relationships are built upon an initial foundation of projected fantasy. Over time, disconfirming evidence to the contrary accumulates and the fantasy eventually is unable to withstand the assault of reality: this is the crisis of disillusionment. It's inevitable, and it's really when the relationship begins -- if it ever does. #dating #relationship #datingadvice

Make no mistake: sex is important to women. However, as important as it is, it's not as important to women as it is to men. In this episode, I'll attempt to explain why sex is so important to men, and why it's the key to keeping men in your life. To do this, I'll make use of an analogy from the other big pillar of adult life: work. In the hierarchy of needs, it makes sense to prioritize those that are unique to a given relationship. #sex #dating #relationship

This episode builds on the conclusions of my previous episode, "Women want it all." Today I'll be tackling the age-old complaint of all also-rans: nice guys finish last. The flip side of this is the analogous complaint that women love jerks. However, it only looks like women choose jerks from the perspective of nice guys. The fact of the matter is that this isn't entirely true, and I'll explain why using the results of psychological research. And since men typically understand business better than they understand women, I'll use a professional framework to illustrate my points. #dating #niceguys #relationship

Today I'm going to be talking about one of my all-time favorite pieces of psychological research, an article entitled "Attractive women want it all" (see link below). When presented with an extensive list of potential partner attributes, women ranked as most attractive by a panel of men expressed an interest in every attribute on the list. They literally wanted every single thing. However, they apparently didn't want every single thing equally. I'll discuss the upshot of this research with respect to male dating strategy. "Attractive women want it all": https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/147470490800600116 #dating #relationship #attraction

I was recently inspired to begin a series on what seems to me to be socially neglected attributes of love. My model for love is spiritual, and -- assuming a omnibenevolent Higher Power -- I try to understand what love is by observing the Divine's relationship with the created universe. Assuming this framework takes us far away from the comfortable, fuzzy feelings that dominate the social conception of love. In this episode, I'll discuss one aspect of that observed relationship, namely: order. Order, as the fundamental attribute that makes life and prosperity possible, must be an essential component of love. #love #spritual #order

This is an episode for women trying to use online dating apps to enter into relationships with men. Pre-screening is when the woman takes control of the courtship and attempts to further qualify the man after he asks her out on a date. While this is almost certainly done by women out of a desire not to waste their time, my argument is that pre-screening is not a good idea, as it generally does not achieve the women's desired outcome. There are three reasons why this is the case, as I discuss in this episode. #dating #relationship #datingadvice

I often hear women on the dating market speak of their difficulties in finding a man interested in a committed, long-term relationship. In this episode, I will explain why that might be the case. To the extent that the purpose of dating is to enter into such a relationship, modern dating doesn't work. And that is because the privileges given to and the responsibilities expected of men are not allocated properly over the course of a relationship to incentivize his commitment. Until this is addressed, women will be fighting an uphill battle. "Men want to be alone": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9blas1Xtoc #commitment #relationship #dating

This one is for the ladies. In this episode, I'll explain how you may be inadvertently messing up with the men you actually want to keep in your life. Most women punish the men they like, and this behavior can drive away the ones you want to stay. Absenting an explicit commitment to the contrary, if a certain behavior wouldn't bother you coming from a man you could take or leave, you shouldn't let it bother you coming from a man you really like. This doesn't mean putting up with bad behavior. It means that the definition of bad behavior doesn't change depending on your feelings. #dating #relationship #attraction

Much has been said of late on men's attraction to younger women, and much of this has been said before. Men are visual creatures; men are expressing a preference; men are using beauty as a signal for fertility, etc. You already know these reasons, so this episode does not discuss them. This episode discusses another reason men are attracted to younger women: a reason so obvious that it almost never gets talked about (though it's staring us all in the face). #dating #attraction #men

This episode is a continuation of a previous episode, entitled "Women have more options in the sexual marketplace." In that episode, I mentioned how the modern optionality of women down at the docks solves some problems and creates others. This episode will be devoted to examining the biggest problem created by this optionality: the two body problem. What happens when two captains enter into a relationship? The outcome is fairly predictable. #dating #relationship #sex

In a short responding to a comment to my episode, "What is the sexual marketplace?", I noted in passing that women have more options in the sexual marketplace. I'll explain why this is true in this episode. In short, women today are supported, encouraged, and incentivized to become captains themselves. This means that women have two options available to them when they go down to the docks: they can build a boat or they can enlist as a passenger. Men, however, still only have one real option. The consequences of this situation are far-reaching and will be discussed in future episodes. #dating #relationship #sex

This has been my single most important realization with respect to dating and relationships, as it helped me understand much about the process that would otherwise have remained painful and incomprehensible. Women treat men the way men treat jobs. Women enter into relationships with men who they believe can offer them the best opportunity to further their goals, all other things being equal, and they will lateral to another relationship if another man can entice them with a more compelling offer. I expand on the analogy throughout the episode. #dating #relationship #attraction

The mastery of life boils down to one thing: the ability to be in the world, but not of the world. This is extremely easy to say and extraordinarily difficult to do. It means to participate fully in one's life and to cultivate the good that is possible, while remaining completely non-attached to one's life and prepared to surrender the cultivated good, as needed. This is a sign of spiritual mastery and model of being to which we can all aspire. #master #spritual #life

Masculinity and femininity are concepts that demand definition. In my personal opinion, both are attributes of the soul that are correlated to (but not coincident with) biological sex. As such, both men and women possess masculine and feminine aspects, and some folks are high (or low) in both. Like many other topics, the present one reminds us that people are complex, and that we shouldn't work too hard to restrict our thinking to "all-or-nothing," dichotomous poles. #masculinity #femininity #gender

One of the inescapable realities of human existence is that every action bears a likeness to the internal state of the actor. This means that we can't not communicate. That said, the intended state is not always accurately perceived by the observer, and the observer can occasionally perceive internal states that were not intended by the actor. To illustrate these principles, I discuss an historical example from the operation of the Allied intelligence agencies during World War II. #communication #relationship #information

In the popular imagination, every emotional wound can be healed with sufficient time and adequate treatment. However, this is not true. Not everyone can be saved, and therapy doesn't always work. What's more, when it does work, it often creates a kind of scar, which (like its physical analogue) lacks the suppleness and sensitivity of the original material. We all must grieve what doesn't return through healing. That said, there is usually enough left over for us to keep moving forward. #healing #therapy #selfhelp

Like pleasure and pain, there is a fundamental and irreducible asymmetry between creation and destruction. That which required decades of painstaking labor and inordinate talent to create can be destroyed in a matter of seconds with sufficient power and malice. A great example of this imbalance can be found in the realm of social media. I'll discuss more in this episode. #creative #destruction #socialmedia

Though extremely complex, society is fundamentally a collection of relationships between and among individuals. So what is true about relationships often holds true for society, as well. Consequently, much like individuals can find themselves in passionate romantic relationships, society can find itself in passionate ideological movements. In both cases, however, the experience is short-lived: the fire burns with such intensity that it cannot be sustained. In fact, humanity changes slowly, if at all, and, in order to sustain themselves, relationships (and ideologies) should accommodate to this reality. #change #relationship #humanity

One of the most widely-known verses of the New Testament is the one in which Jesus instructs us to "love your neighbor as yourself." This verse is usually understood to be a commandment, and it certainly can be interpreted as such. However, there is another way of looking at this instruction as a revelatory observation on reality, namely: that you love your neighbor as you love yourself. I'll discuss this interpretation further in this episode. #jesus #love #christianity

In a previous podcast, I discussed how there are really only two ways to go about dating: you can hunt or you can fish. In this episode, I'll be talking about hunting: what it is and how to do it well. This is an approach that generally works better the higher your standardized sexual marketplace value; however, everyone can improve their skills in this regard. Listen to the episode to learn more. #dating #hunting #relationships

According to recent statistics, women are anywhere from one-and-a-half to three times more likely to seek out mental health services in a given 12-month period than men are. This means that between 60-75% of psychotherapy patients at any given time are women. Why might this be the case? In this episode, I will discuss my pet theory on the subject, which describes how several historical factors conspired to enshrine certain biases in the theory and practice of psychotherapy that continue to exude their influence today. #therapy #psychology #gendergap

The word "conviction" has a mystery inside of it that is revealed by examining its etymological origins. It comes from the Latin words "con," meaning "with," and "vincere," meaning "to conquer." "Conviction" literally means "with conquering," or -- perhaps more felicitously -- "with victory." But victory over what? I'll discuss more in this episode. #conviction #victory #confidence

Luck is not necessarily just the chaotic, random element of chance that pervades the universe. It's a factor over which you can have some measure of influence. The Roman philosopher, Seneca, tells us how: "luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." Therefore, in order to improve your luck, you need to (a) prepare and (b) create opportunities. I'll discuss what that might look like in the context of dating in this episode. #luck #opportunity #dating

Core emotional wounds are psychic injuries inflicted in the context of one's primary attachment relationships. That means that they are generally formed in relationship with one's parents in childhood. These wounds come in two general flavors: "I'm not good enough" and "I'm not lovable." The pain of these wounds can distort the lens of subjectivity, such that one's very perceptions of oneself, other people, and the world become distorted. And, if unaddressed, they can give rise to a host of compensatory behaviors designed to "bargain" with the world for what they did not receive in appropriate quantities when they were younger. #attachment #cognition #psychology

As people move through life, they are subject to experiencing great pain, suffering, and trauma. And the healthy response to these experiences is to withdraw from and avoid further contact with them. The problem is that these experiences exist in reality -- so withdrawing from and avoiding contact with them also means withdrawing from and avoiding reality. And withdrawing from and avoiding reality can create its own pain, suffering, and trauma. Enter mental illness: it is a compromise solution that enables the individual to avoid pain and suffering as much as possible while avoiding the reality in which they exist as little as possible. #mentalhealth #mentalillness #psychopathology

In this episode, I talk about a realization that I had many years ago with respect to my competitiveness and drive. If misapplied -- that is, if applied toward the general enrichment of someone else -- these otherwise positive qualities can become a trap. To the extent that you are not yet your own master, you are still someone else's slave -- and excelling in that role is not necessarily in your best interests. #competition #ambition #slave

A company that blames and shames its customer base for not parting with its hard-earned money is arrogant and misguided. It's a bad business that blames its customers. If a company is not yet enjoying the success it would prefer to enjoy in the marketplace, it has a problem with its marketing, a problem with its product, or both. This is a lesson easily generalizable to dating and relationships. If you are not yet enjoying the success you would prefer to enjoy in the sexual marketplace, you have a problem with your marketing, a problem with your product, or both. #business #dating #accountability

The title says it all: if you punish the truth, you're asking to be lied to. And why is that? Because expecting other people to prioritize honesty irrespective of the social, financial, or relational consequences of doing so is asking too much of people. If the truth is met with hostility, indignation, or ostracization, most people will never make the mistake of being honest with you again. And this puts you at a significant disadvantage by infusing your relationships with unreality. #truth #lies #relationships

The three goals of human interaction is a concept developed by Marsha Linehan for her dialectal behavior therapy module on interpersonal effectiveness. According to Linehan, there are really only three goals humans can have when interacting with others: effectiveness, harmony, and self-respect. Ideally, all three goals are (more or less) met in the course of our interactions; however, sometimes this isn't practically possible. Linehan advocates the conscious and strategic prioritization of one goal over the others in these cases. I'll discuss more in this episode. #dbt #relationships #communication

This is an old psychotherapy saw: "you've got to feel it to heal it." So what does it really mean? I'm not quite sure how it works, but unprocessed emotions don't really go away. They exist in a kind of frozen state somewhere beneath the threshold of awareness. To relieve oneself of their burden, it's necessary to experience their affective component with awareness. In fact, you can think of feeling as the subjective experience of an emotion leaving the body. I'll discuss more in this episode. #feeling #emotions #trauma

There are only two kinds of dates: good dates and practice for good dates. Considering anything that doesn't lead to sex or relationship a failure is neither fair nor accurate -- and it is a perspective that will very quickly lead to burnout. By the same token, dating regularly will help prevent you from getting rusty. Conversation, flirtation, and seduction are all skills that will atrophy without regular practice. By going out frequently, you'll keep yourself in a state in which you will be able to take fullest advantage of good opportunities when they do present themselves. #dating #relationships #attraction

This is an episode specifically for the 20-somethings in the audience. Have you ever been the last person to leave a house party? Chance are is wasn't a great experience, as nothing good happens after a certain point in the evening. Well, the same is true to your 20s, in general. Over time, for better or for worse, your friends will come to prioritize other aspects of their lives above their social lives. By their early 30s, they will all have better things to do than getting wasted on the weekend -- and so should you. #friends #party #20s