PsycHacks

One of my personal pet peeves is indirect communication. This is because, as a communication strategy, it often seeks to protect the indirect communicator at the expense of the other party. After all, if you never actually ask for something, you can never be rejected, can you? In this episode, I'll discuss a simple, practical tactic you can use to retrain your indirectly communicating partner: the honest clarifying question.

The general conceptualization of heaven is that it is a place of unremitting pleasure and comfort. However, it doesn't take much effort to understand that such an arrangement would likely prove unsatisfactory in the long run. In this episode, I discuss a personal conceptualization of heaven: as a series of challenges which we are pre-destined to overcome, but which present the plausible possibility of failure. We can't not win, but we must be made to believe we can lose for our own good.

Occasionally, I'm confronted with the reality of needing to have a conversation with someone that I don't particularly want to have. And this can contribute to feelings of anxiety and dread. A tactic that I've developed to get through these situations is to simply "say my line." I pretend that I'm an actor who simply needs to say his line on cue in order for the plot to progress forward. I don't need to be charming or witty or attractive. I just need to move my mouth in order to do my part.

All other things being equal, the older you get, the harder it becomes to make new friends. So how do you go about forming new friendships as an adult? I'll examine this question through the lens of "Persona 5," and excellent JRPG. In turns out this game has a fairly accurate blueprint on how to progress from casual acquaintance to intimate confidant. The keys are time, shared interests, and reciprocal self-disclosure.

Control isn't the basis of a loving, long-term relationship, because control is ultimately disrespectful and unsustainable. The key to a respectful and enduring relationship is to hold the other like sand: not too loose, but definitely not too tight. Like sand, the tighter you attempt to hold others, the more they will slip through your fingers. Gentle support keeps more sand in your hands for longer periods of time.

It's often the case that the solution to some of our most long-standing and intractable problems is incredibly simple. However, we are subject to creating unnecessary complexity as a defense mechanism in order to embed the problem in our lives. Much of my work as a therapist is the gradual and systematic dismantling of such unnecessary complexity to arrive at greater simplicity. This reveals two truths about simplicity: it isn't easy and it's a sign of mastery.

One of the paradoxes of the human experience is that we are all both very, very big and very, very small at the same time. Humility is knowing one's proper size. This means that it is not simply an attitude to be cultivated in those who are more self-important than they really are. Humility must also be nurtured in those who -- in believing they are smaller than they really are -- withdraw from life and self-realization. Humility means understanding that you are not incapable of realizing your potential.

In a previous episode, "Be a ruthless gardener," I spoke on the importance of pulling up the negative thoughts that can proliferate in your consciousness like weeds without pity or remorse. However, if you do not attend to the soil -- the conditions from which the thoughts emerge -- you will likely be doing a lot of gardening in your life. By attending to your well-being and surrounding yourself with supportive relationships, you might not have to do as much work in the long run.

The most popular belief concerning the origin of mental illness is that it is caused by imbalances in individual brain chemistry. However, there is actually little empirical evidence to support this hypothesis. A theory with more robust support is the stress-diathesis model, which basically states that psychological issues emerge when sufficient stressors converge on an individual to diminish their natural resilience. I will discuss further in this episode.

If someone in your life has become unjustifiably critical, disrespectful, or unappreciative, it might be time -- at least for a little while -- to give them the gift of your absence. The key to doing this is to leave the relationship before you feel no longer capable of giving your best. When you do this, people might actually miss you and remember why they were in a relationship with you to begin with. However, if you complain and attack before leaving, then others will only feel relief when you're gone.

The key to doing something you fear is cultivating a larger fear of not doing it. In this episode, I'll discuss this principle using an anecdote from my personal life about overcoming my approach anxiety. By remembering how badly I would feel after avoiding my goal, I was finally able to move forward in spite of my fear. This is a tactic that is widely generalizable.

In the course of my clinical practice, I often talk with folks who struggle with discipline. They know what they "should" do, but -- when the time comes to act -- they find it difficult to resist the pull of learned behavior. In this episode, I briefly discuss the key to discipline, which I call "channeling your inner postman." See your commitment as a duty imposed upon you with the full force of a contractual obligation and surrender to that structure. Feelings have nothing to do with it.

I speak to many stressed-out, burned-out folks in my clinical practice. And a common refrain from them all is that they're "too busy to rest." Supporting this statement is an underlying proposition that rest is a waste of time. However, this is a false and ineffective belief. Rather than view rest as "unproductive," I would like you to consider that it is an essential component of long-term success. I discuss more in this episode.

Nowadays, it's very common for people to seek after passion in their work. Its absence is considered problematic and troubling. However, the origin of this word reveals the absurdity of this search: "passion" means "suffering." Consequently, those who seek after passion are not only inadvertently chasing after pain, but they are subject to discarding "passion-less" opportunities for stability and prosperity, as well. I'll discuss further in this episode.

Most of us are in a process of becoming with respect to our professional development, as a career can take decades to construct. Therefore, it's extremely important that you examine whether you're on the right path to success before investing years of your life toward a given end-goal. And the easiest way for most people to do this is to ask: "do I want my boss's job?" Does the person occupying that position seem happy and fulfilled? If not, why do you believe you will be different?

As we move through life, it's almost inevitable that someone will become angry or upset with us in response to our behavior. However, hurt feels are not -- in and of themselves -- proof of transgression. If your own examination indicates that the behavior in question does not conflict with your moral or ethical beliefs, do not apologize. This can be taken as a confession of guilt and justify additional punishments from the aggrieved party.

The idiom "to take offense" reveals a fundamental truth on the matter, namely: offense is taken, not given. Those who have had the misfortune of having an enemy -- someone who is acting deliberately provocative -- know that they can control their reactions, so as not to give the provoker the satisfaction. This indicates that we have agency in the decision to become offended -- and also that we needn't necessarily assume responsibility when someone else has decided to become so.

People often say that relationships require compromise. However, in practice, this often amounts to the negotiated unhappiness of both parties. This is because the heart of compromise is always quid pro quo: I'll give up what I want now, and you'll give up your right to what you want later. An alternative to compromise is sacrifice, in which individuals choose to change in order to secure future benefit to themselves. Unlike compromise, there is no expectation that you will receive future consideration from your partner. It is inherently selfish -- but it preserves the freedom and dignity of the relationship.

People want what other people want. This is because the interest of others generally serves as a proxy validation of the variable under study. And to the extent that validation is delegated across a diverse and independent network, this is actually a pretty reliable heuristic. In this episode, I'll discuss an anecdote on the topic from my personal experience and explain its relevance in professional negotiations.

An approach-avoid conflict occurs when we want a relationship with a particular person at the same time that we are repelled by certain aversive or unwanted characteristics of that person. We don't want to give up what we want, but we also don't want to go after what we want. People can experience a great deal of emotional distress as a result of this ambivalence. In this episode, I'll discuss two tips for resolving these contradictory impulses: prioritizing what is over what could be, and making decisions "for now."

Many folks I talk to experience existential uncertainty. Not only are they unsure as to why they exist, but they often doubt that they should. In this episode, I extend the Disneyland metaphor used in a previous talk ("Life is like Disneyland") in order to argue that your existence is already justified by virtue of the very fact of that existence. It's very hard to sneak into Disneyland; it's even harder to sneak into being. So if you're in the park, you must have a ticket.

We're all subject to passing through moments of extreme difficulty, when nothing seems to be going our way. In those times, it's very important to maintain a humble vantage point and to temporarily lower your conditions for victory. Seek out small wins and resist the temptation to judge yourself for doing so. Small wins are like the stars: they don't provide a lot of light, but it would be really dark without them.

Humans need structure. This is because structure provides the opportunity for goal-directed behavior, which is one of the primary factors responsible for meaning and purpose. The issue is that externally-imposed structure is much easier for people to surrender to than is internally-imposed structure -- though the former is typically less fulfilling than the latter. In this episode, I'll discuss methods for improving your ability to create the structure that you can surrender to.

When we're faced with an important decision, it's a good idea to perform due diligence: to collect information relevant to the situation and to forecast probable outcomes. However, the results of this analysis alone are never sufficient to produce the actual decision. This is because decision is an act of the will, and more closely aligned with emotion than with reason. The highest to which the rational mind can attain is the calculation of odds ratios associated with certain outcomes given specific assumptions. Understanding the limits of rational thought will help improve your decision-making process.

Other people have what we want, but may not give it to us. In this way, other people are both an opportunity to be seized and a problem to be solved. So what is the most effective way of dealing with them? Karen Horney's "Three Trends" model provides us with an excellent lens through which to view potential paths forward. According to her theory, we can either move toward others, move against others, or move away from others. In this episode, I'll briefly discuss each of these interpersonal strategies.

Over a long enough time line, the vast majority of us will experience a lapse in discipline that will cause us to fail to live up to our standards for ourselves. While this is already sufficiently aversive, we typically make matters worse by denying ourselves the pleasure inherent in the lapse -- which is often the only consolation of the problematic behavior. So if you're going to cheat, indulge. At least allow yourself to enjoy the fleeting experience. And if you can't bring yourself to do so, perhaps you will be more motivated to stay disciplined.

High-stakes situations can be nerve-wracking. Among other things, this is due to the fact that the outcome is still uncertain. Under such circumstances, people are subject to tensing up and succumbing to fear -- both of which are generally ineffective mind states. To defend against this, cultivate the belief that you've already won and your opponent just hasn't realized it yet. This will allow you to act coolly and confidently -- which will increase your chances of success.

Though I speak with many successful and accomplished people, I often hear from them that they were happiest back when they were hungry and striving. This is a dirty little secret about people: they're generally more satisfied climbing a mountain than perched on its summit. This is the "gift of becoming" -- and it's the quickest route to increasing your happiness and satisfaction.

Trying to change the weather is an exhausting, expensive, and ultimately futile endeavor. Rather than attempting to alter circumstances at that scale to suit your ends, focus on becoming a more skillful sailor. A skillful sailor can use most prevailing conditions to achieve his goals by responding with flexibility and mastery. In this episode, I discuss tendencies to internalize and externalize in the context of this metaphor.

Many of the issues folks struggle with today have their origins in the distant past in their families of origin. At that time, children unconsciously adopted coping strategies and defense mechanisms in order to face their circumstances, most of which were outside of their control. Their suffering was generally not their fault. However, now that these same folks are grown up, it is their responsibility to address. Why? Because they are the only ones with the ability to respond to the wounding.

The aperture through which we view a problem is very important. If it's too large, we are subject to becoming overwhelmed, which frustrates constructive action. Rather than attempt to plan out all of the steps to a goal that can take months or years to achieve, focus on the making the next right move. What can you do today to move the ball further down the field? By limiting yourself to what is immediately available, you will be more likely to take action, which will accelerate progress toward your goal.

The critical inner voice is a phenomenon that most of us experience from time to time; however, it can be incessantly cruel in the case of depressives. The critical inner voice is generally understood to be an introject of a parent's perceived negative attitudes toward the child. With this in mind, the first step toward mitigating the effect of this voice is to make it ego-alien, to consider it as something that's in you, but not of you.

Many of the folks I speak to are dissatisfied, despite having a job, a relationship, and a decent standard of living. Most often, the source of this dissatisfaction is the gnawing suspicion that they could do better. That said, many worry about letting go of a decent option, because they simultaneously fear that they won't. In this episode, I discuss my mantra for resisting the urge to settle: if you can do it once, you can do it twice.

The Buddha once commented that one of the characteristics of reality is that it is inherently unsatisfactory. Life can be infuriating, heartbreaking, and disappointing. However, focusing on these issues is not a testament to your discernment, intelligence, or creativity. This is because finding problems is easy. To distinguish yourself socially and professionally, make a commitment to look for solutions. Not only will this provide a path forward, but it will help you to distinguish yourself as an extraordinary individual.

In the Bhagavad Gita, the god Krishna tells the warrior Arjuna that "we have a right to our labor, but not to the fruits of our labor." This can be a bitter pill to swallow. We would like to believe that we live in a universe that rewards effort, and that sufficient sacrifice will guarantee the result we desire. However, that's not the universe we live in. On the other side of this delusion lies a true capacity for process orientation and deliverance from outcome dependency.

As a therapist, I occasionally hear people balk at the cost of therapy. However, the alternative can be significantly more expensive. On average, Americans wait ten years to contact a therapist about an emotional or psychological problem. This is an extraordinarily long time to potentially suffer unnecessarily. How much would you pay to make your problem disappear? That value is actually your budget for solving the problem.

"Why am I here? And what should I do with my life? What's the point of all of this?" These existential questions lie at the heart of the human experience. While I can't offer definitive answers, in this podcast I offer one possible way to approach the meaning of life, namely: life is like Disneyland. The point of Disneyland is to experience Disneyland. Likewise, the point of life is to experience life. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to do it. You get your day in the park, and then you go home with good memories.

Why is that some people seem to have all the luck while others perpetually come up short? While many factors determine success, there are also some underlying principles that predictably influence its attainment. In this episode, I discuss the three keys to getting what you want in life. First: you have to know what you want. Second: you have to be willing to wait. And third: you need to be able to act without hesitation. If you can do all three, you will be well on your way.

We are all subject to thoughts that show up uninvited and that predictably lead to unpreferred emotional states. Serial 7's is an efficient and effective technique capable of disrupting these thoughts before they're able to trigger the corresponding emotion. In this episode, I'll model the use of this technique and discuss the cognitive principles that underlie its effectiveness.

Effective boundary setting is an essential relationship skill. This is because boundaries teach people how to love and respect you. In this episode, I will discuss the three keys to setting effective boundaries with others. First: you need to clearly define the target behavior. Second: you need to set an actionable time line. And third: you need to identify explicit consequences within your domain of control that you're willing to execute. Let's see how this works.

When most of us do something we shouldn't have -- or when we didn't do something we should have -- we generally feel guilty. However, in most cases, guilt is ineffective expiation. That is, we let ourselves off the hook because we beat ourselves up. The issue is that this doesn't prevent the bad behavior from recurring in the future. In this episode, I'll speak briefly on the emotion that -- if sufficiently cultivated -- can lead us in the direction of actual and sustainable behavioral change: contrition.

Other people are frustrating. However, it's often the case that our frustration stems from their unwillingness or inability to live up to our own unconsciously projected values. What if other people never live up to the potential we see in them? As we relinquish the hope that others will be anything other than who they are, we may be able to move in the direction of authentic relating based on acceptance and respect -- or move on from those who will never change.

You've probably heard the saying, "winners never quit, and quitters never win." In point of fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Winners almost always quit: they quit everything else except the game they're trying to win. This is because failing to do so makes players uncompetitive at the highest stages of performance -- where they inevitably compete against the players who are willing to do so.

In high school physics class, we were taught to solve problems under unrealistic, ideal conditions by ignoring complexifying forces, like friction and air resistance. Unfortunately, the real world isn't so simple. When we fail to factor resistance into our plans then we generally become frustrated when they inevitably arise, and we misallocate our time and energy. In this episode, I discuss the virtues of incorporating resistance into your calculations.

If you've experienced grief, then you know how excruciating a feeling it can be. This begs the question: why is grief so painful? Why does it last as long as it does? If there's a lesson here, can't it be learned faster and with less suffering? I've wrestled with these very questions as I passed through grief at various times in my life. In this episode, I speak about what answers I've found. Grief must be as painful as it is in order to force people to stop, so that they can intentionally re-structure their lives moving forward without the lost loved one.

Within every emotion is a behavioral impulse urging us to a specific action. However wise our emotions might be, it's also the case that it's certainly not always prudent to relent to every impulse they offer for our consideration. So how do we know when to "listen" to our feelings? The answer demands we pay attention to our degree of mastery within a specific domain. As a rule of thumb, the more masterful we are within that domain, the more effective uncritically relenting to your emotional impulses is likely to be.

"Persona 5" is one of the best RPGs of all time. In addition to the normal stats you'd find in a game of this genre, in "Persona 5" your character also possess social stats: measures of his level of mastery within the real world of social relationships. Throughout the game, the protagonist encounters social stat gatekeeping, in which certain jobs, relationships, and opportunities are withheld from him, if his relevant social stat isn't high enough. In this episode, I'll speak a little on how this concept pertains to real life and how to improve your social stats through the intentional allocation of your time.

If you're a young person and you talk with folks of an older generation, it's only a matter of time before one them tells you that your early 20s are "the best years of your life." Believing this to be true can create a lot of pressure in young folks to live life to the fullest before an inevitable decline into the various miseries of adulthood proper. But is this really the case? In today's episode, I'll be debunking the romanticization of this period of one's life, and suggesting why some people might still be hung up on this time even decades later.

When I was back at my theatre conservatory, the entire first year of acting class was devoted to a single exercise: the game of please-no. I've since come to understand that this game is the fundamental game of human interaction. In this episode, I will briefly describe how the game is played and what the game has to teach us about the nature of human relationships. The more masterful you become at this game, the more life begins to open up and share its riches with you.