The Overwhelmed Brain

Would you know if you were being emotionally abusive? There is a question you can ask yourself to determine if you are being emotionally abusive or not. Once you know the question, you can change how you communicate with anyone.

What are the steps to figuring out the challenges that come into your life? Is there a process? What happens when someone you know is going through a particular challenge, do you know what questions to ask? Join Matthew Bivens and I as we talk about our process of discovering issues and where to dig further.

Whatever fears, pain, shame, guilt and other negative emotions are lingering inside of you are preventing you from reaching empowerment and walking the path of enlightenment. This episode is all about starting that path and releasing the stream of negative emotions that may be flowing through you.

If you're stuck in a state of constant fear, what can you do to become more fearless and more confident so that you can feel good instead afraid of what's around every corner?

If you've ever come out of a relationship feeling unlovable and unworthy, it's time to consider the source of this false belief and how you are sabotaging yourself for future relationships. Also, I read an email about conditional versus unconditional love and just what makes up love anyway.

What happens to the relationship if after you make life plans together, one of you changes their mind? I received a letter from a woman who said that she and her husband planned on having a baby, but he has now changed his mind and no longer wants one. There's a lot to discuss in this very challenging topic.

1. That one decision you regret that changed your entire life for the better… or would it have been worse? 2. You lose the love of your life, now you know you'll never be happy again. Can you recover from losing "the one"? 3. You filter you everything you do through certain criteria. Is that filter serving you?

What are the best life lessons to learn along your journey? How do you know what your next step is? What if you're a little too introverted and can't seem to find the courage to take steps that you believe you need to take? Matthew Bivens and I have a discussion about this in this special mid-week show.

Cheating might be the end of most relationships, but many couples have survived and thrived after the affair. There are many components to infidelity. In this episode, I explore the basics of cheating and what will allow your relationship to survive and heal after the affair.

1. One huge mistake can change your life. Then when it's time to make up for that mistake, you have to prioritize what's most important. Sometimes that means losing something you love. 2. When you control someone, you cause them to want to be away from you and seek their needs from someone else. What starts off seeming to be the only way to get what you want them to do turns into the very thing that drives them away 3. What do narcissists do that makes them so cunning? Why does everything feel like your fault? A little taste of the narcissist in this third segment will help answer those questions.

1. If your brain or your heart closes up at the thought of sharing your feelings about someone else, this first segment is for you. 2. It's vital to have someone or somewhere to express the deep negative emotions. Finding that safe person with whom to share your shame, guilt and fears may be just what you need to heal. 3. How do you get past criticism? I read a negative review of the show, then do something a little different on overcoming criticism.

1. What do you do when you lose your mentor? Here's a trick you may think is a little out there. 2. What is the biggest problem in your relationship? Cheating or worse? To heal, you may have to work on something else first 3. You can only control you.

1. Have you ever listened to a motivational teacher to the point where you were ready to make huge changes in your life, but after a couple days you lost all that motivation? Motivational teaching is great for building you up, but where do you go after you come back down? 2. Matthew Bivens joins me and we talk about wisdom and when everything in life is failing.

1. When you get angry, frustrated or upset toward someone else, how quickly do you recover? Would you like to recover faster and get into a better space? I'll walk you through questions you can ask yourself that lead to change. 2. How do you feed the dysfunction of others? If you get into emotionally abusive relationships but can't figure out how to stop the abuse, you may be part of the cause. 3. You can commit to someone then re-evaluate that commitment when they don't hold up their end of the bargain.

1. If you want to change someone's life, sometimes all it takes is a heartfelt "Thank You" or compliment. But not in passing. A thank you or compliment that makes them stop and process it can be quite powerful. 2. If you are dealing with insecurities about yourself, this segment and the final segment will help you start to heal from them. I reveal one of my own insecurities for the first time on the public airwaves.

1. Without a history of breakups, your first major one can seem devastating and life ending. In this segment, I help the newbie get through all the symptoms of the first major heartbreak. 2. When you think your relationship is horrible and you find yourself taking up all the slack for your deadbeat other half, are you creating your own misery? 3. One of my clients writes to me and tells me the person she is going to marry is already telling her what to do with her money. It makes her feel uncomfortable and manipulated. She's right. So I tell her what she needs to do.

Do you value what your partner values? If not, you may be in for a rude awakening when they suddenly get upset with you for seemingly no reason. What's important to you may not be important to them, and vice versa, but it might be a good idea to make it important to you since your relationship's longevity may depend on it.

1. How do you handle "no"? Do you suffer hoping the other person would follow you to the ends of the earth, or do you welcome the opportunity to be free of someone that didn't want to be with you? 2. How much of your emotions need your logic? How about your logic needing your emotions? Is it time to be fully unified? 3. A listener asks why they left if they loved. It's not always black and white - sometimes it's to save the relationship.

1. Asking yourself stupid questions may be the path to healing and moving through the hard stuff in your life. We often have choices when it appears we don't - stupid questions may lead to more choices. 2. Sociopathic people in the workplace and at home can be extremely difficult to deal with. I give you one effective method of doing so. 3. In codependence, there is usually a giver and a taker. I'll give you one guess who gets burnt out while the other thinks there's nothing wrong with the arrangement.

Letting go of a narcissistic parent can seem like cutting off a limb to some people, but what happens right after the moment you make the decision to cut them out of your life? Matthew Bivens of the Having it A.L.L. podcast joins me today to discuss this very thing.

1. Race, culture and background can dictate personality and behavior. A listener writes in and asks how to get along with almost everyone. 2. A woman asks if I have any words of wisdom for her regarding a drifting marriage and isolation from family. 3. If you really want to stretch your mind, meet in person, not online. Make real connections.

Getting into alignment with a career you want is a whole lot more fulfilling then trudging through each day trying to make the career you're in work. I talk with Scott Barlow, a regular of The Overwhelmed Brain, on finding work that fits and creating the kind of happiness in your life that you can actually get paid for. visit https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/htyc

1. The addict has a different perspective of the world according to a recovering addict that writes in to the show. 2. We're told that suffering is optional. I make an argument against and for it. 3. Every judgment you have is a lack of acceptance in you. I help a listener understand his options when it comes to judging his girlfriend

1. Resolving issues before New Year's resolutions is a better practice for some people. If you have trouble keeping your resolutions, perhaps it's time to change when you make them. 2. A listener writes in and wonders if she is toxic like her boyfriend's ex's or if he is the common denominator. 3. Is free will really free? This philosophical perspective may start the new year off with many questions. 4. If you reflect on how your year went, it's time to look at what you really value so you can plan ahead instead of review the past

1. Is it hard for you or your partner to say I love you? Sometimes the past can play an important role to prevent or encourage those words to come out of someone's mouth. If the love is there but the words aren't, it doesn't always mean there is no love. 2. When you think about how you treated your ex, do you feel guilty? If so, this segment will help you cope and perhaps even get over the guilt so that you can look forward to a brighter future in yourself and your relationships. 3. If you are emotionally abusive, it's time to face up to it and do whatever it takes to heal inside so that you don't subject anyone else to it. There is a path to freedom from your own behavior.

1. Are you a chameleon? Do you change as needed for every person and situation? If so, is it really serving you? 2. If someone has ever hurt you so that you would let them go, this segment may tell you why. Fear of your reaction is usually the cause but there are others. 3. Speaking of reactions, what do you do with friends and family that are aggressive or explosive? Do you invite them to the wedding or are you just setting yourself up for disaster?

If your partner's family is against you and your partner sides with them, what do you do? When you can't feel safe in your own relationship because your partner's priority is his or her own family, you may have some hard choices to make. An emotionally intelligent conversation between Matthew Bivens and I on this special episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.

1 She caught her husband cheating, he blamed her and her family for the affair. He used to be loving and supportive. Now that he can't get his way, he is cold and manipulative. 2 She wants her ex back but all he wants is sex. She complies but feels empty and lonely without him. Now that she has healed from her past and doing better, he still won't come back. 3 When your intuition kicks in, it's important to follow it through to the end. You may not like what you find but at least you'll have closure. Visit getoutofthemess.com if you need legal advice

When you find out a lie that your partner has been holding on to for months or years, where does that leave the relationship? What if it's a minor lie and your relationship has been going great? Or what if it's a massive lie that you cannot get past? Matthew Bivens of the Having it A.L.L. podcast joins me to answer an email on this very subject in this special mid-week episode of TOB.

1. Do you attract the worst partners? What does it take to find a normal person to date? There is a path to attracting quality partners but it may involve facing your fear of loss. 2. If you feel bad for your emotional abuser or manipulator, you are more likely to stay in the relationship and take the abuse. I'll tell you what you need to focus on so the abuse stops 3. When did "trying" things turns into a bad course of action? Ever since Star Wars, it seems we've adopted do or do not… but is that the best course of action?

Do you fantasize, daydream, play video games, or watch TV in hopes that you won't have to deal with reality? It's not all bad, but anything in moderation, right? I talk about the benefits of skipping reality for a little bit as long as you connect with yourself in other ways. For segment two, I go over what you might have to do with your kids when you have a narcissistic ex. During the close, I talk about child sexual abuse and the silent but damaging effects it has on the victim throughout their life and how this music video might be just the path to healing you need.

Black or white thinking can lead you to be untrusting of people and the world in general. If you've loved and lost and cannot figure out how to love as deeply as you once did, it could be a general distrust you carry around - seeing people as either safe or not safe. If you cannot be vulnerable, a difficult thing to achieve after pain or betrayal, you may not be able to rebuild the emptiness in your heart. Dichotomous thinking can keep you from unlocking your heart to anyone else. Today's episode is sponsored by lovepop.com/brain

Do you freeze when you get stressed? Learn what you can do to stop the freeze before it happens. What didn't work in your last relationship that you can take with you into your next one? These questions will help you become wise for the future. If you suffered a breakup and you feel that emptiness inside, you may have a hole in your heart that needs to be filled. I'll help you start to rebuild what's missing so that you can start to heal your emotional wounds.

Why don't abuse victims leave the relationship? In this first segment I talk about the perspective of the abuse victim and no matter how much sense it makes to us for them to leave the abuser, it's an entirely different reality for the victim. In segment two I tackle the dynamics of step-children and how step-parents can enter a family and be more of a friend than a parent to gain trust and respect from the children. During the close I address what happens when you honor yourself. Who you thought were friends might disappear from your life but there's so much more to gain. Get out of emotional abuse with the M.E.A.N. workbook: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/mean/

If you've had ups and downs with your relationship and you're ready to keep it on track so it doesn't start slipping back down, I'll tell you ten steps you can take to make sure it stays healthy and continues to blossom.

Stonewalling is damaging to a relationship and can make it fail if whatever is shut down is never brought up to be resolved. Do you set expectations in your friendships? Should friendships be an equal, two-way street? It doesn't have to be - not exactly. Is there a way to get into healthy relationships after being in emotionally abusive ones? Very important question. What's the best way to connect with people? Find fewer and get away from the crowds.

The more you expose yourself to new things, the smarter you get and the more your thought processes change. Why does one abuse? This important segment will help you understand the perspective of the one who abuses. How can you enjoy your relationship if you can't stop thinking it may fail in the future? Worries about tomorrow can make the present feel not as good as it should. Everything is temporary. The bad stuff and the good stuff, but it gets better as you get through the bad stuff.

When you feel guilty for wanting to leave your partner because of their bad behavior, it's time to transform that guilt into something more productive. What happens when you lose a parent and the one left behind wants to date again? Is this something you support or are vehemently against? Do you live with someone taking advantage of you? Are you their doormat hoping they'll change some day? Maybe that day is today.

Positive thinking leads to denial which creates negative emotions in your body eventually leading to depression. What?? Sounds like a great first topic. Little spats in a relationship that lead to massive blowups have an origin. The unspoken words are what cause those big explosions. It's time to connect emotionally rather than logically to diffuse the emotional bombs before they explode. What is toxic? Do we call people toxic just to avoid our own personal growth? A listener challenges me on the topic.

Mom criticizes her, makes her feel bad and unworthy, yet this listener still wants a relationship with her. Do you let go or do you find a way to relate that won't be toxic to you? What happens when there are early warning signs in your relationship but you choose to ignore them? Are they signs of worse things to come or can you overlook them and expect your relationship to get better? Do you change for someone else to keep them in your life, or do you want to attract the person that accepts who you really are? The path to a long-lasting bonding involves not settling and not changing for anyone, but are you willing to take being alone for a while until that happens? Bypassing your instincts to follow your guilt instead could be a dangerous path into denial and maybe even betrayal. Should you follow your instincts even though it could lead to a truth you don't want to know? Today's episode was brought to you by Casper. Get an awesome mattress at a great price at casper.com/brain. If you want $50 off, use the code "brain" during checkout and you'll be a happier person.

When you are so knowledgeable about your problems, you may have a tendency to be closed off to the solution. The "I know" syndrome can keep you from finding out the root of your emotional distress. It's time to get to the root and release the grip it has on you. When your partner can't seem to trust you completely and holds back their emotions around you, there is something you can do to meet them where they are. It's not easy - in fact it's a process - but it may save your relationship. One thing for sure, it's not about trying to fix them. In closing I talk about how other people can help you bypass your own intuition getting you into trouble or submitting to their control of you. It's time to take back control of life by understanding how to hold on to those "something doesn't feel right" feelings. Visit Casper.com/brain for your $50 discount on a fantastic mattress

Does your partner corner you into a no-win situation? Do they ask you questions that make you wrong no matter what you say? I talk about double binds in relationships and a couple ways to get out of the no-win questioning that often happens in both non-abusive and abusive relationships. For segment two I talk about lashing out and where it comes from. Are they new emotions that seem to originate in the moment or are they old, stored emotions that derived from a single point in time? Regardless, lashing out can be quite damaging to a relationship so it's time to get a grasp on what's happened in your past. During the close of the show I address the person who takes the blame for their partner's cheating. Some people are convinced they are the cause for their partner taking conscience steps to cheat. I have news for those people: You are not the cause and I share with you why in this segment. Today's episode brought to you by Honest Tea. Visit honesttea.com/podcast for refreshingly good bottled tea.

Is succeeding in a stressful way better than not succeeding at all? In this first segment I talk about how creating a deadline with accountability keeps you on task and even makes you more creative. In segment 2, a woman writes to say that it's never too late to honor yourself. She did so with a toxic family member and is now starting a new way of life without his involvement. In segment 3, I talk about the issue of judging others for things that you yourself do. It's like telling the alcoholic not to drink alcohol while you're drinking alcohol. Is it ever good to judge the behavior of others when you do the very same behavior? During the close of the show, a wife cheats then lays her guilt on her husband making him feel worse than he already feels. Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com - the legal insurance plan that helps you keep your rights.

When you obsess about someone you want in your life or someone that broke up with you, what can you do to stop the never-ended thoughts? What about when you go so far as to stalk them and find out everything you can about them? This is a two-part segment because there's a lot to talk about. In segment two a woman wants to know if she heals and grows will her husband see that she is better and want to stay in the relationship. However the husband has been manipulative and unkind to her, letting her know that she's the one with the problem and she's the one who needs help. Can they save their marriage or are they doomed to fail? During the close of the show I talk about Justine Sacco and how her life was ruined because of a misunderstood joke on Twitter. Public shaming takes the stage in this segment. Visit getoutofthemess.com for your legal insurance to protect your rights.

Standing up for your boundaries can have the consequence of being called out. I address critical feedback from a listener who calls me out on what she believes to be smug and superior behavior. Can someone with a fear of abandonment be in an intimate relationship with someone who has a fear of commitment? That's a great question that I help a listener consider. Do you overshare? I read a message from someone who says her oversharing is a big problem in her life, causing all kinds of boundary violations for her. I end the show talking about what it takes to go full no contact from an emotional (and other) abusers. Visit getoutofthemess.com to keep your rights when the bullies come after you

Do you trust your gut? Do you want to? I tell you how in this first segment where I share how I almost got conned by a store clerk. In segment two, high school sweethearts get married then divorced ten years later. After a lot of emotional abuse and healing, he wants her back but she's not ready. Is reconciliation possible? In closing I tell you how to make decisions that allow you to do some time traveling so that you can get an idea of how you'll feel after making them or not. A packed episode brought to you by getoutofthemess.com

You will get the results you want as soon as you accept responsibility for your role in every problem in your life. What is your level of success? Segment one will help you measure it and come up with a game plan for you. Segment two talks about the how important relationships are, especially the one with yourself. Almost every relationship issue you have with others needs nurturing in yourself. Nurture you and your relationship will be healthy and toxic-free! In segment three I read a letter from someone who is sick around her partner who has ADD and ignores her most of the time. What do you do when you have a romantic relationship where your partner is more focused on work than you? During the close of the show I talk about the best way to handle the continuously criticizing family member.

When you pursue someone you want romantically but they don't want you, the result is often hurt feelings or worse. What about when you love someone so much that you want them to love you back and they won't? Should you continue your pursuit? If you try to convince them that being in a relationship with you will be the best thing for them, it may create a very unstable and probably short union. Love and being in love are two different things - when you learn to love, you learn to release. This release may highlight that the pursuit isn't really about love at all. In segment two, I read an email from a woman who eats out of anger because her husband doesn't want to be with her sexually. Now she's overweight and knows she's going down the wrong path but isn't motivated enough to lose weight. She still wants to be intimate with her husband but their growing anger and frustration with each other is keeping them distant. There is a path to closeness but it may involve taking risks that could lead to the end of the relationship. The upside is that it could also lead to the most powerfully bonding future they could possibly ever have. During the closing of the show, a listener reaches out to me and asks me if it's a good idea to tell her sister to get help. Her sister has already refused her advice but she is watching her sister and her family decline as things seem to get worse and worse. The more she wants to help them, the more they feel judged and like she's interfering. There is a line that you have to draw with yourself when someone doesn't ask for your help. It involves some humility, a whole lot of faith, and your ability to show up as the best version of you. Your best self can lead to someone wanting to learn from you. Today's episode is brought to you by the most affordable legal insurance plan around. Visit getoutofthemess.com for more info.

You know that feeling you get when someone puts you down? How about when you feel like you're doing everything right but that one person tells you how you're doing it wrong? In segment one, I read an email from someone who gives me some critical feedback about how I communicate my message over the airwaves. He also tells me something I'm doing blatantly wrong. I share my reaction and the emotions I went through, and what you yourself probably go through when someone points out something that you did wrong as well. Sometimes there is truth in what they say. It can hurt and help at the same time. And, more importantly, can we see a bit of ourselves in the critical person? In segment two, I read a message from someone who has no idea how to start a therapeutic process. He isn't sure where to begin with his many challenges and isn't sure how anyone could even help him. I outline the steps to starting a journey of getting help for whatever issues you are dealing with, giving you questions to ask yourself and resources to utilize. In segment three, what happens to you after going through a lot of emotional pain from the death of loved ones? One listener says it's like damage to your soul that can never be repaired. Is it repairable? How can you deal with a lot of death in your life? When does the grieving end? There are always ups and downs to grieving but hopefully after listening to this episode there will be more ups. The soul, or spirit, or psyche, however you want to see it, can feel like it's missing something. It's time to rebuild what's missing. It's not replacing it, it's nurturing that part of you that needs it most. Today's episode is sponsored by Casper Mattresses. Visit casper.com/brain and use the promo code brain for $50 off a mattress today.

Honoring your boundaries can be the hardest step to take in your personal development, and it's also one of the fastest ways to start creating a life without toxicity and dysfunction. But what if you're too scared to do it? Getting to a place where fear goes away isn't easy - it can take a lot of inner growth leading to the confidence and courage to do whatever it takes to let others know what is acceptable and what is not. In this first segment, I talk about boundaries and how there may be a quick, yet completely unorthodox method of getting past the fear. In segment two, what do you do if you're in a relationship with someone who has close ties to someone you don't like? And what if you can't avoid this other person? On top of that, what if this other person is your ex? It's a tricky situation and one that one particular person has with someone they used to date. I read her email on the air and do my best to answer her question on what to do about this. During the close of the show, I read a message from someone who left an emotionally abusive relationship but is wondering if they should get back into it. She thinks that if he heals that things could get better and they could be a couple again. But how long do you wait for someone to heal? Should you wait? Is waiting worse than moving on? It's a great letter and an important subject, especially if you feel like you're in a rut and aren't sure what to do after a breakup. Today's episode is brought to you by the delicious Earth's Brew. Visit earthsbrew.com and using promo code "brain10" when checking out to get a discount.