The Overwhelmed Brain

What do you do when you face a challenge you believe you're prepared for, but you fail instead? The feelings of failure can be debilitating, especially when you've spent a lot of time and energy working on self-improvement. It can feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. "Learning" comes with the challenge of applying what you've learned, so expect challenges to be just more than you think you're prepared for. When you have the tools, the challenge will come. I believed I knew how to honor my boundaries until I was tested with the right person. Always move forward and learn about yourself and work on yourself so that you will be as prepared as you can be. In segment two, I address the people's pleaser's role in becoming emotionally abused. People pleasers often have a big heart, compassion, generosity and are often kind and caring, which opens them up to abusive people unfortunately. If you're kind and compassionate but made to feel guilty by your partner often, then you're probably in an emotionally abusive relationship. There are many signs of emotional abuse including trusting yourself less and less. If your partner is emotionally detached, or you feel like you're going crazy, this segment is for you. Especially if you can't pinpoint why you feel the way you do. Manipulators are crafty and adept. They don't want to feel pain, guilt or responsible, so they push all of it on to you. If you want to learn if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, check out the Emotional Abuse worksheet at theoverwhelmedbrain.com/mean. In segment three, I read a letter from a young man who is depressed and has no motivation to do anything. His emotions are out of control and he is in a constant struggle. On top of all of that, he's afraid to get help! He's never talked about my feelings to anyone, ever. All the solutions he's looked for online talk about getting a goal and using his willpower which he found completely useless. The first step to getting past what you can't let go of is to express yourself any way possible, whether it's with a friend or loved one, or even to yourself through writing or visualization (imagining the person you want to express yourself to is standing in front of you). Once you get repressed negative emotions off your chest, it can free you a bit to start the healing process. In the closing, I talk about what you can do to appreciate your body and what it does for you. Sometimes it takes pain to appreciate what works! Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com. Quality legal insurance - get your legal questions answered by one of many attorneys that specialize in what you're asking about for about $20 a month! Great deal.

Can you commit to a decision? How do you know if you're making the right decision? Follow your heart is great advice… if you even know what's in your heart. Segment 1 of this episode is all about making the decisions that work in your life without going down too many paths of failure. You have to make decisions to learn how to make good decisions, but sometimes that first decision is the hardest to make. Life is all about choice, so let's talk about what makes a good choice. I'll give you a hint, it has to do with knowing your ideals for any given situation. In segment 2, what do you do when you are always dealt a bad hand in life? Is there a psychological time bomb ticking away that is going to cause you to break down because you just can't get a break? How about chronic pain and suffering? There's a path out of suffering even when the pain is still there. You still seek treatment for the pain, but it's time to heal the emotional wounding that has taken place. In segment 3, I read a message from someone asking how they can receive without feeling like there is pain or shame involved. Growing up having been abused by receiving things with strings attached changed this person's world. I want you to be completely comfortable receiving so that you will feel worthy, loved and significant. You are all those things already, but if you are having trouble receiving, you may not believe you are. During the closing of the show, I talk about what you can do to expand "you" so that you think beyond the confines of your body and mind. Not only will this take you out of all the challenges of being you, but it will increase your compassion and understanding of others so that you can communicate more effectively. Today's episode was brought to you by Casper. Get an awesome mattress at a great price at casper.com/brain. If you want $50 off, use the code "brain" during checkout and you'll be a happier person.

In crisis, is there anything you can do to bring you into a calmer, more peaceful place? Actually, not usually. In fact, you may have to experience the full impact of the crisis before any calm or comfort can be had. However, you may be able to prepare for crisis so it doesn't completely debilitate you. It involves creating a belief system or philosophy that serves you during this most crucial time so that you aren't so blindsided and devastated. Then, when you lose your job, get dumped, betrayed, or even if someone you love passes on, you have some tools to work with to get you through it. In this first segment, I share 10 beliefs and principles you can adopt to get you through crisis mode. In segment 2, I address a letter from a man who was kicked out of his home at 17 years old for being gay. He grew up, got married, and now his husband is looking at other guy's profiles online threatening the stability home and relationship. The letter writer doesn't want to be alone but he doesn't want his husband looking at other guys either so he's not sure what to do. With a family that has disowned him and a husband that appears to want to seek other relationships, he feels stuck and scared. Is it unhealthy to put all the pressure of your happiness on one other person? If you have no family and no support structure, is it even fair to expect your partner / spouse to pull through as your primary source of peace in the world? I offer my insights and opinions to help him through this situation. I also make a few comments on the decision of a family to kick their child out of the house because he is homosexual. In the final segment, I talk about building resilience through criticism. Taking things personally can slow you down and even stop you in your tracks. If you learn that criticism is an opportunity to grow, regardless if the critic is right or wrong, you'll find life a lot easier to live. Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com - high quality attorneys and legal insurance for about $20! Sounds too good to be true, but I use it myself. I love it.

A career can take up over half your life, so why would you settle for one that makes you miserable? I've settled a lot over the years and I got so burnt out. I didn't realize there was a formula to finding something I'd like and that might even pay well, if not more than I've ever made. Scott Barlow with Happen To Your Career joins me to talk about what it takes to be happy in a career and even make more money doing so. You don't want to miss this one. Visit happentoyourcareer.com/brain to get your free Ultimate Strenths Guide so that you can learn just exactly where you excel and what careers you'd be best at.

Are you walking around with an undertone of fear, anxiety, panic, or nervousness? What do you feel when nothing in general is happening in your life? What's your balance point or "homeostatic state"? When an uncomfortable or sad cloud follows you around all the time, it's hard to enjoy life. Especially because all the decisions you make are based on a foundation of this uncomfortableness. Many of us make decisions based on how the toxic people in our life will respond. If we know they'll respond negatively, we'll make a decision so that behavior isn't triggered. However, this choice may not be the best one for us. We make it to avoid conflict or confrontation, and that is a recipe for an unhappy life. I talk about "taking the bullet" and making the hard decisions during critical moments that will either exacerbate and extend miserableness or stop it in its tracks. It's a matter of shifting what you focus on and protecting yourself, not enabling others. This might not be easy to do, but it's a life changer. In segment 2, I read a letter from someone who shares that nothing has ever worked out for her in life. Everything she does leads to more pain and more toxic people. Nothing is good, and the future is grim. What do you do when all appears lost, and you're just basically waiting for death so that you can get out of the chaos? Especially if your past is littered with abuse and neglect. Your past is important and has played a role, but it doesn't mean you can't change how your future turns out. Your behavior today will either allow your problems to continue or cause them to shift so that you actually start creating the life you want instead of the one you don't want. It's never too late. If your life has been terrible up to this point, why not start over? It's never too late. Why wouldn't you want the rest of your time on earth to be pleasant, or at least peaceful? During the close of the show, I ask if you can stay in a relationship that you can't trust. What kind of trusting relationships do you build? Do you have trouble trusting others because you aren't completely honest with those you can trust? What you bring into your relationship is the relationship you end up with. If you bring mistrust, you'll get mistrust and untrusting behavior. Of course, there's always the chance that you are right not to trust, but there's a path to follow when that happens, too. I want you to come to a conclusion so that you can come to closure. Don't be stuck! Commit to one path or another.

Sexual and physical abuse survivors develop an abused mindset which they take into relationships. This mindset sets them up to be strung along and tolerate bad behavior. Often, former abuse victims end up with abusers in intimate relationships. Abusers of all kinds can play serious head games, including giving off a lot of mixed signals. Abuse survivors and even many non-survivors can have high tolerance for abusive behavior. It's time to stop getting strung along and start realizing just what to watch out for

When obsessive and intrusive thoughts won't go away, what can you do? You might feel better knowing that won't mean a thing in a 100 years, but if resolving them isn't that easy for you, then let me take you through a series of steps that break them apart and repackage them in a way that might just help you deal with yours. In this segment, I'll ask you what's wrong with having obsessive thoughts, why are they a problem, and if there's anything you can do about what you're obsessing over. I'll also talk about your resistance to them and how it causes you to suffer. If you have been suffering over that negative internal dialogue, listen to this episode. In segment 2, a woman asks me what happens when you remove all the toxic people in your life and you end up with no friends or romantic partner? She wants to know if that's all she has to look forward to when she grows and heals herself. Is everyone toxic? The personal growth journey does involve filtering out toxic people, but it also involves focus on yourself. When you start focusing on what you need for you, the right people show up in your life. You recognize toxic people right away and are able to steer clear. But better than that, healthy people show up when you're healthy, so that is the focus on this segment. During the close of this episode, I read another letter from a listener whose wife cheated on him. He decided to forgive and take her back, but now she's giving him the silent treatment and making excuses about why the marriage won't work. Is there more going on here than meets the eye? I give a frank opinion on the subject. Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com - Access to quality attorneys for $20+ per month. Stop paying hundreds per hour just to ask simple questions! This is a great service that I use myself. Check it out!

When is a bad thing a good thing? When is a good thing bad? How attached are you to outcomes? I tell a quick Zen Buddhist parable that might make you think twice about the stressors in the world today, especially with the heated political climate and growing fears of what might happen next. Not everything is as it appears. When you think there's no way out - life opens a door. The door is good fortune and luck. Then when everything is going well, life throws you into a pit. Does it ever end? I get into the ebb and flow of life itself in this segment. In segment two, I answer the question: "What do you do if there's no way out of a situation?" A young man wants to know what he can do living with a toxic family that he can't (or chooses not to) leave. Is it better to stay in a toxic situation because you don't want to abandon those you love? Or is there a better way than "no way out"? You might have to resort to tactics that are against your values just to get into alignment with your best outcome. It's a controversial subject I'm sure you'll find interesting. In segment three, he knows there's something wrong in the marriage, and she won't go to marriage counseling because she thinks it might as well be the end of the marriage. That's quite a jump to a conclusion that seems more made up and grounded in some sort of passive message that something else might be going on. What is your definition of marriage? Does it involve one person wanting to help the relationship and the other sitting around in denial of both their own happiness and their spouse's unhappiness? It might be time to ask the hard questions you don't want to know the answers to just so you'll have some idea of what's going on. Don't not communicate… be honest and clear. You may have to be firm in asking what the real problem is, otherwise it will continue to go downhill until one of you experiences a meltdown! At the end of this episode, I read a message from a very astute listener of TOB. She shares her four steps to a better life - even in the midst of dealing with her husband's infidelity. Cheating and betrayal didn't stop her from healing herself. She's on a good ride that has a lot of ups and downs but will be smarter and healthier in the end. It's an inspiring letter and a great way to end the show. Enjoy!

Judging others is a sign of something you're struggling with or haven't healed from internally. It is anger, sadness, or some other bad feeling that you haven't yet processed that is coming out and being directed at other people. You can say, "What they're doing is wrong!" but how is it wrong to you? Is it a belief or value you hold to be true, or is it something deeper like some other emotional wound that you haven't yet released? Also, how do you deal with judgmental people? If your significant other or a friend or family member is putting someone else down, what do you say or do? It's a great topic to talk about and I share a way you can work with it and maybe even reach a more peaceful place inside yourself. In segment 2, I talk about how to release your hold on guilt. I read a letter from a woman who feels terrible about how she treated her ex-husband. In fact, she feels so bad that her current marriage is suffering. I offer a perspective and a way out of guilt that may just allow you to let go of what you've been regretting for far too long now. Guilt can lead to a place of compassion and it's this one possibility that can lead you out of a dark place and into the light. It's time to release the guilt. It doesn't mean you suddenly feel good, but it's a great start. Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com, legal insurance that you can use anytime you have a question or need advice.

Is love enough? Will it overcome anything that happens in your life? Financial struggles, family problems, arguments, abuse and more... will your faith in love be enough to get you through the tough times? I read a letter from a young man who wonders if love is enough to get through anything. To add a bit of challenge on top of that, what if that love is only one-sided? In the second segment, I read a letter from a woman who's partner has cheated on her multiple times.Her partner knows he has a problem but "can't help it." He believes that marriage will resolve the problem and cure him of this addiction. How long will you accept bad behavior, increasing your toleration for abuse? If there are problems in the relationship today, they will only get worse when you get married. You must create a solid, healthy, loving and supportive foundation before you get married. Marriage amplifies problems - it does not solve them. In segment 3, someone has a battle in their mind about the difference between honoring personal boundaries and being selfish. They are almost crippled in their behavior because they are afraid to honor themselves for fear that it might be selfish. I clear this up right away in today's episode. One thing I go over is that it's so important to define who you are in the world so that the world doesn't define you for you. When they do, you can't be yourself easily, and you will tend to let others violate your boundaries. During the closing of the show, I talk to those who are loving, kind, compassionate and generous. Often, people like this will let bad and abusive people in their life simply because they have a big heart. Not only that, they'll keep them in their life too. I highlight the wonderful aspects of this type of personality and also the dangers. Do you want a meal kit delivery service to make dinner easier? Visit hellofresh.com and make sure to use promo code "brain" when checking out so you can get $35 off your first week!

Racial sensitivity is prevalent in the first segment of the show as I read a letter from a woman who was slightly offended at my use of stereotypical language in the last episode. Lots to discuss here. I go over that and more on ways to communicate with people that help develop and keep rapport. In segment two, I talk about how separating in your relationship can be highly beneficial and can lead to strengthening the bond between the two of you, but it can also lead to a hard truth that maybe the relationship wasn't destined to be in the first place. Do you take the 50/50 chance knowing that love will blossom better than ever, or come to terms that maybe it never had a chance to begin with. Either way leads to happiness, but you may or may not be together in the end. In an extra segment, I read a message from someone who wants to know about birth order and how it plays a role in your life. I tackle it from the perspective of who your primary role models were. Finally, what are the standards of a good relationship? Also, can sociopathic people can make good friends? They often seem to make terrible lovers, at least if you want an honest, monogamous relationship. All this in more in this packed episode. Enjoy! Get your free audiobook and 30 day trial membership today by visiting audible.com/brain

What's in a dream? Are there literal interpretations or is there deeper meaning that isn't often explored? As always on this show, I go where others rarely do and look at dreams as a representation of emotions. What emotions are present in your dream? Are they revealing ones that might not yet be resolved? Dreams can be a great way to not only discover what they are, but even resolve them if you're persistent enough. This segment is a journey into dreams, including lucid dreaming. In segment 2, I read a letter from someone who is thinking about dating a guy with four different children from four different partners and has a history of bad behavior that landed him in jail, but she wants to know 'if he's turned his life around, should she pursue a relationship with him?' Some say "run", others say, "well, if he's turned his life around, then maybe...". I give my thoughts on the subject which involves taking the blinders of possible love off and considering both the emotional and physical baggage he might still be carrying. One's history does not necessarily reveal who they are today, but it can be a good indicator sometimes. In the closing segment, I talk about what you're contributing or taking away to and from people, the world and even yourself. It's a philosophy that you may or may not agree with, but I use it to determine my path in life and it may work for you too. Today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Get your free book and 30 day trial by visiting audible.com/brain

Friendships are created and can last a lifetime, but they can also disintegrate, never to be rekindled. What makes a friendship? How do you know if your friends are truly the ones that will be there with you and for you through all the good and bad times? In segment 2, I talk about the warning signs and paying attention to patterns of your suspicions about your partner's behavior, especially if they've betrayed you or lied to you in the past. During the conclusion of the show, I talk a little about trust and how the innocent and naive of us can get scammed or "duped" over and over again in relationships.

Tune in to every other New Year's podcast if you want to hear about resolutions. I'd rather talk about something you can think about the entire year when it comes to improving your life. Today's episode is all about compatibility and how you can look at any problem in life and narrow it down to a compatibility issue. Sometimes taking out the emotional part of the equation can be helpful if you want to follow the life you want to create for yourself. I realize emotions are what drive us and motivate us and make us whole, but what if your emotions are also what keep you exactly where you are? Are you fighting against the current to try and make things better? Are you stuck? Is your partner compatible with you? Does he or she complimentary or quite the opposite? What about your job? What about that car you drive around, is that compatible? Today's episode is all about the philosophy for living life this whole next year. Follow it and maybe you'll find yourself taking steps that support you instead of ones that hold you back. Today's episode is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com - Real attorneys ready to help you for only $20 a month!

Jealousy is a multi-faceted beast that can motivate you to say or do things that you may not normally say or do. It involves many emotions and can run (and ruin) your life if you don't address the real reasons you get jealous. Sometimes a fantasy is created in your head and you become jealous based on what may not even exist. Other times, there is hard data to prove that what you're jealous about is real and should be investigated further (or acted upon). Is there a good reason to get jealous? Is there a way to heal from this feeling? I drill into jealousy quite a bit in this episode. In segment two, I read a letter from someone who asks why the holidays bring out the worst in people. So many families get together and so many of those gettogethers can be quite dysfunctional. Is there that one person in your family that just seems to ruin the moment? It can be hard to honor yourself in front of people who've known a version of you all their life, especially when you've done a lot of inner work. Can you be in integrity with yourself even in front of your toughest crowd: Family? During the conclusion of the show, I talk about a letter that I received from someone who takes responsibility for his father's debt because he believes that if he hadn't been born, his father wouldn't be in debt. So he now holds the guild of being a burden to his father. That sounds like something we need to heal right away! Today's episode of TOB is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com. Real attorneys at established law firms for around $20 a month. You can't beat that!

The emotional healing journey consists of many ups and downs. A listener asks me how I managed to get through my journey and what I can share with others on what to expect. Whether you're starting your healing journey from scratch or still on a hot path of learning, healing and growing, there's always more to learn. I talk about what it takes to honor your boundaries in a healthy way (instead of waiting until you blow up), and recognizing patterns in yourself that may point back to emotional wounds from the past. What are your results over and over again? Are you succeeding in life or failing miserably? I think it's important to look at where you were, where you're going and what you keep ending up with to determine your level of emotional health. When you start succeeding, however you define it, it is most likely because you've processed and released some old negativity that's been around a long time. I also talk about depression and how it is devoid of emotions. When I was depressed, it was like having no feelings at all. Though, I did feel something because I didn't like how I felt! It was like I was a sponge of negative emotions but I couldn't squeeze them out. Healing can begin the day you start observing your own behavior asking yourself why you do the things you do. It soon feels like you are two different people: The one experiencing the emotion and the other observing your behavior. This is when true healing can begin. Awareness is a major step forward because you are no long on autopilot. You will still have challenges, but you'll also have your observation of how you handle those challenges. And it's not always comfortable. In segment two, I talk about the need to express something to someone but being afraid it will ruin the relationship or ruin their life somehow. Sometimes you walk around holding on to unfinished business and feel like it's important to share how someone else made you feel by something they did a long time ago (or even yesterday). Forgiving and moving on is a step you can take, or perhaps healing within you (self-forgiveness) which doesn't even involve the other person. Either way, you can carry it with you or you choose to process and hopefully release whatever it is. If you are carrying the burden of upset from something someone did to you, it's time to address it in some way. You may have to express to them what you're feeling. Or, maybe it's better to keep to yourself. I kept a family secret for many years and chose to bear the burden of it instead of spill the beans and tell the people I really wanted to tell. I was sworn to secrecy so I had to come to a place of acceptance of that burden in myself. It wasn't easy, but it is possible - and sometimes the best choice considering what might happen if you chose to share what you were told not to. During the conclusion of the show, I read a paragraph from The Overwhelmed Brain book and talk about focusing on yourself for healing and not others, unless they want you too. When I was married, I used to focus on what my wife needed to do to change so that I would be happier. Turns out after seven years of focusing on her, I did little healing in myself. Not only that, I used to be terribly judgmental. She didn't ask for me to "fix" her, but I tried. And the marriage ended. Focusing on others without their consent or desire, even if your intentions are good, can sometimes be what causes them to want to be away from you. Good intentions aren't always motivated by noble thoughts. Sometimes good intentions derive from selfish needs. Healing begins within you, even when it appears that others need to change. Trying to help someone change who didn't ask for it is not honoring their happiness or supporting their path. Keep your focus on yourself and as you grow through your challenges and you might just be able to grow with those you love instead of away from them. Today's episode of TOB is brought to you by getoutofthemess.com. Real attorneys at established law firms for only $20 a month.

What do you do when your partner wants to spend more time away from home than with you? Is that a sign that there's something wrong in the relationship? Is there a more serious issue, perhaps they don't feel safe with you? In the first segment, I read a letter from a man who missed his fiance'. She would go out drinking with friends and family and he would be home alone trying not to be offended or hurt. As she spent less time at home, he got more concerned but also gave her the space she asked for. Soon, the wedding was called off and she was moving out. What went wrong? What could he have done differently? Healing needs to take place for sure, but is he focusing on the wrong person during his healing process? In segment 2, Mary honors her boundaries around her boss and friends, but is a people pleaser who to her husband. She's afraid to say no to him but doesn't know why. I ask a lot of questions in this segment, so if you're in a similar situation, you may get the guidance you need. During the closing, I talk about the present moment and some things you can do to be present and even bring meditation into the external world. Today's episode is brought to you by storyworth.com/brain. Get $20 off by following this link!

Toxic relationships - friends, family, coworkers, and more. What can you do if you can't get away from them? Do you even know how to get away from them? How can you continue the relationship when you have no choice but to be with a toxic person? This episode gets into toxic people, including what one reviewer said about my show: Stay Away! I read that review on the air, and also read a couple letters from people that deal with toxic people in their life. Today's episode is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 off a mattress when you use the promo code "brain" during checkout at casper.com/brain.

There's a spiritual or philosophical correlation between an event that happened to you in your past and what is happening to you today. You may not recognize the significance of your behavior today, but when you are able to make the connection between present behavior and prior emotional events, it's like plugging a lamp into a socket and watching the light fill the room. The circuit between the past and the present is completed and negative emotions can diminish or disappear. It sounds a bit "out there" but there is a process to go through if you want to try it out yourself. In segment two, I read a letter from a woman who doesn't know when to let go of family members that seem to be struggling but really aren't doing anything to get out of their struggles. At what point do you let them hit rock bottom? Is it okay to stop trying to help and just let them be until they are ready to make changes on their own? My answer may be a little controversial but it will help you move forward and become a better, healthier you. In the final segment at the end of the show, I talk about what you might be able to do if you're not looking forward to being alone on the holidays. You may or may not want to be alone, but what can you do to feel connection? If you're not a fan of alone time, maybe this will help. Today's episode is brought to you by http://getoutofthemess.com. Contact Asha to learn how you may be able to get out of the legal mess you're in.

Giving can feel so good, but receiving can too so why do so many people have trouble receiving? Do you reject gifts or other offers? If so, why would you take the honor to give away from the giver? If you've not thought about it like that before, this segment is for you. In segment two, I read a letter from a woman who feels like she's wasted three years of her life with her emotionally abusive boyfriend. She is no longer in that abusive relationship, but still feels the pain of the loss and the regret of the decisions she made. I highlight just what there is to be grateful for in this situation and talk about the process of self love and compassion. In segment three, a woman holds a secret from her boyfriend. She kissed another man and doesn't want to tell him because he is "blissfully unaware" a woman kissed someone outside of her relationship and now holds on to the fact that she cheated on him because she doesn't want to make him feel bad. Who she'll be in the relationship will be who she is until she gets over it or expresses it. If you decide to not tell, can you live with the guilt. And do you want him to live with a continuous liar. Whatever your values tell you to do is what you should end up doing otherwise you won't be happy. Thanks to Away for sponsoring today's episode. Go to awaytravel.com/brain and use the promo code "brain" for a cool smart case today!

What is acceptable to you and what is not? What is considered self-sustaining and what is selfish? I read an email from someone who's in constant battle in his mind, unsure if he's honoring his personal boundaries or just being completely self serving. He also gets into a debate in his mind and over analyzes to the point of indecision. There's a way to decide, and it involves the question: What what you do if you were completely fearless or not afraid of the consequences? That will usually give you the right answer that honors your boundaries. In segment two, I read a message from a woman who's mom never stepped in to help her kids when they were being abused. She's forgiven her abuser, but not her mom. In fact, she feel abused by her mom even today because of the narcissistic tendencies she has. She's not sure how to honor herself with her mom. Her emotional pendulum is stuck on one side and she hasn't let it swing to the other side to find out what would happen if she truly honored herself with her mom. When dealing with difficult parents, it's best to come from a place of "I love you, but this is a problem". It's honoring from love. For segment three, I talk about obsessing over your partner's history, whether it's all the great sex your partner had (and you feel insecure about it) or even the abuse they experienced (and you are overly empathic and depressed about it). Obsessing over your partner's past keeps you in the past and keeps you from improving yourself to be the best person you can be in the relationship. Today's episode sponsored by harrys.com. Get your free trial kit and use the promo code OVERWHELMED during checkout for your post shave balm.

Sexual abuse should not be taboo. Survivors carry the shame, pain, and guilt when the reality is that the perpetrators should be the one carrying those things. The pain of past abuse is real and it doesn't go away without acceptance, letting it come up, processing (in many ways), healing (in many more ways), and finally releasing. This episode is focused on what to do to begin healing and where to go for resources if you want to learn more. Go to thefionaproject.org to watch the powerful music video by Asha Lightbearer. The video itself is moving, revealing, and a step into healing.

What you say isn't always what they hear. What they understand isn't always what you conveyed. Who is responsible for the communication, you? Them? Both? Neither? It's time to explore this topic. On Ask Paul part 1, I read a message from someone who got out of a manipulative, abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist. It was a crazy time for her and she is healing, but she shares a lesson for us all. On Ask Paul part 2, I read a letter from someone still obsessing over his ex. They were together a short time but he's still grieving over the death of their relationship. What can you do when you're in that state? Thank you to harrys.com for sponsoring today's episode. Go to harrys.com and use the promo code OVERWHELMED to get your free post shave balm.

With General Anxiety Disorder, is there a chance of getting free of the consistent feelings of anxiety and panic? Is there a remote chance of feeling better or even making it go away completely? Maybe... Also, I get a letter from a girl whose boyfriend gets jealous so she gets angry which causes him to insult her which causes her to react, and so on... is there a solution? I talk a little on jealousy and more on anger and the fact that we often direct our anger at the wrong people.

Can you laugh at criticism? Do you believe in yourself enough so that when someone calls you anything less than you really are, you can shrug it off without those sometimes hard to avoid feelings? When you get to a place inside where you are proud of yourself no matter what, then you'll find yourself genuinely laughing instead of reacting when someone is being critical of you. Children can seem to do awful things, but they are a result of the programming adults have fed into them since birth. Is it really their fault they are acting in the way they were nurtured and influenced? Finally, is it possible to change manipulative, toxic behavior, and repair the damage to your relationships because of it? Both can be achieved but they require serious introspection. Heal yourself and both situations can improve and evolve. Thank you to harrys.com/trial for sponsoring today's episode. Use promo code "brain" when you're ready for a free shave kit.

Self-esteem stems from the level of self-worth you have about yourself. That's great to know, but how do you raise either or both so that you can walk through life confidently and assert yourself when needed? Later in the episode, I read a message from a jealous husband who doesn't like when other people look at his wife. He can't figure out how to get past these feelings.

The silent treatment is like an acid that disintegrates trust and love because of the withdrawal of emotions (emotional withdrawal). I can't trust you with my emotions because when you withdraw, I feel betrayed and abandoned. I also talk about the drawbacks of non-confrontational behavior and how choosing not to confront disintegrates love and bonding. When you choose to be non-confrontational, it's like telling the other person "I don't want to tell you the whole truth". And what about hate? Are you allowed to feel hate? Should you? I think it's important to acknowledge and accept every part of you and every thought instead of resisting your thoughts. Otherwise, you go around holding on to a lot of negativity which you eventually unleash on those you love.

Permanent decisions are not always permanent, we just think they are. Even marriage nowadays isn't permanent, as much as we want it to be. And even when everything is going great, "stuff" happens and makes things not so great anymore which forces us to change or fall. There's a great quote I read about flat squirrels and indecisions (if you think hard enough, you'll understand that right away) and it makes for a great topic to talk about. In segment 2, I read an email from someone who sees every red flag in a new marriage yet doesn't walk away. Her values and boundaries are being violated and she finds nothing to love about a man she's already married to on paper. Then she asks if there is any hope. Hmm... In segment 3 I talk about how music is a great mood changer but shouldn't necessarily replace deeper reflection and processing of buried emotions Make sure to visit awaytravel.com/brain and use promo code brain to get $20 off your order!

Nurturing yourself while you're in a relationship decreases the impact breaking up has if and when it happens. The more you keep the connection with yourself and don't lose a part of you in the relationship, the healthier you stay. You lose your identity in a relationship when you don't nurture yourself. When family doesn't honor you and see your worth, sometimes you just have to distance yourself from them so that you reconnect with the brilliant, worthy you. Not everyone is capable of seeing what you are, so it's important to continue nurturing and supporting yourself as if you were your own child or best friend. When your partner has a friend who is also an ex, how do you feel about that? Do they talk all the time? Do they have to communicate because of shared custody of children? Do they communicate more than you'd like? It's important to understand where your line is and when your partner is crossing it, otherwise, their ex becomes a part of your relationship, which can be damaging if you're not all good friends to begin with.

Making a bad first impression is not necessarily your fault. You could be well dressed, have a great hair day, good breath, and even the best personality, but that mole behind your ear makes them think of their mean uncle and suddenly their first impression of you is that you aren't trustworthy and will hurt them. Quite a jump, but this happens quite a bit. I talk about a first impression a listener got with this show and how he criticized over 170 episodes by listening to one 15 minute segment. What do you do when that one person criticizes you? How do you not feel the emotional pain behind such a thing? In the second segment, I answer a message from a woman who is experiencing debilitating pain and is fighting her way to feeling better. She used to be active and on stage, and now she is jobless and lives with her father. Not only is there physical pain, but also suffering through embarrassment of her circumstances. She lies to friends just so they don't know her situation. Finally, I respond to a letter from someone who feels almost ashamed for staying with a toxic person, and she's afraid to leave because "what if I can't find a good man?" I think her focus needs to change. Depending on where you focus, you'll either stay where you are or make the changes you need to get out of the rut you're in. The Overwhelmed Brain is much more enjoyable when you tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and so on and so on, and so on. Today's sponsor: http://getoutofthemess.com bhzpkynz

Ever have a friend that said "Yeah But..." to every good suggestion you made? How about when they actually ask for your advice, you give it, but they don't do it because their excuse machine activates? There are two types of people I talk about in the first segment: Yeah But people, and Okay I'll Try It people. Sure, there are millions of other types of people out there, but it's a good start. Also, I receive a letter from a woman who decided to remove toxic family members from her life and get away from abuse. She took massive first steps, but what's next? How can you recover from a life of abuse? How can you get to a place beyond where you can relax and feel good again? Finally, I read another letting about what it might take to reject people in your life. How about those sensitive people that might be hurt by rejection? Is there a way to get away from those who keep showing up when you don't want them to? Sounds like a great thing to talk about. Today's sponsor wants you to get your free will. Go to getoutofthemess.com and sign up today!

Should you receive for everything you give? You bet, but maybe not in the way you're thinking. You can build an emotional deficit by giving and giving and not receiving in the way you'd like. Resentment can build and you can get very tired of being a people pleaser. Also I receive a letter from someone who feels socially inept. He can't make or keep friends, and he feels awkward on dates. Sometimes being yourself is the best solution, but who are you really being during those awkward silences? Finally I talk about woman who is deeply in love with her husband yet and has a great sex life, yet still cheated anyway. She can't figure out why so I explore why even a good marriage or relationship experiences infidelity. Episode 150 today... let's celebrate! I talk about TOB's progression throughout the years at the beginning of this episode.

I talk a little more on manipulative people and share with you what might make them that way in the first place. Association and dissociation may play a role in their behavior. If you're not familiar with those terms, you will be after this episode. And, what if you do all this healing and growth but you realize that your partner doesn't want to change? In fact, they are happy just where they are, dysfunction and all. But instead of leaving, you decide to create accountability and tell them if they don't shape up, you're shipping out! Then finally, after two years of hard work, they finally grow into the person you can appreciate and respect. But... are you still in love with them? Is it too late now? I get a letter that addresses that very question. How about guilt for thinking about leaving your abusive spouse? Yes, people can actually develop guilty feelings for thinking about leaving someone that disrespects and even abuses them. That's an important topic to discuss, so let's dive into that too. Today's episode is brought to you by casper.com/brain. Get $50 off using the promo code "brain" during checkout and get an awesome mattress to boot (free shipping in the US and Canada).

Has dysfunction become the new normal for you? Are you in a relationship where your toleration for bad behavior is so high that you don't even recognize what's bad for you anymore? That sounds like a topic for discussion if you ask me! Also, I read a letter from someone who wants to know how to deal with defensive people. There is a path to working with those types and becoming aggressive or offensive back is not typically the best way to handle their behavior. You may have to become a bit of a sleuth. Find out more in today's episode!

Vulnerability is the final step into your strength. Your emotional core contains all of your emotions, your shame, fear, guilt embarrassments, sadness and also your joy, happiness, peace and lot of other good feelings. But in childhood, we learn to close off that core and only let in and out so much because we've been emotionally wounded. Letting those defensive walls come down lets both the bad and the good out, but only the good sticks around when you do it right. Also, I read a letter from a woman who doesn't want anything to change except maybe her marriage, but that means a lot of other things have to change as well. So she's not sure if getting a divorce is the right decision. Finally, I read a second email from a 24 year old who has chosen a career path that he is unhappy with. On top of that, his girlfriend left him and he is not happy unless someone else is in his life. Lots to talk about today. Thanks for listening!

Confronting friends, family, the boss, the spouse, or any other dangerous people ;) can cause anxiety, fear and panic... but why? Why do we fear expressing what we want to anyone in our lives? If you're brought up to shut your mouth and keep your ears open, and any sign of expressing yourself got squashed (or you feared expressing yourself for other reasons), then you probably have a challenge confronting people. Speaking of squashing things, how about the negative energy that forms while doing the confronting? Wouldn't it be nice for that to dissipate? There are ways, and I share my thoughts on that. Finally I read a letter from a woman who left her ex-husband behind because she was learning, growing and evolving, and he was staying where he was. She was energetic, he was not. The rift kept widening, so she left. Now she's happy! However, she's in another relationships where her loved one is 1000 miles away and neither of them can move. Can long distance relationships work? Visit patron.theoverwhelmedbrain.com for private episodes and More!

Not everyone is going to like what you bring to the table. Sometimes people have high expectations of you and you don't deliver causing them to have a critical view of you. Is this your fault or the fault of the person who set up expectations that you couldn't meet? I read a critical review of The Overwhelmed Brain and talk about that very thing today. They're not always "haters" but they can ruin our day. I also talk about gurus, preachers and god-like teachers and hope I don't fit into any of those categories above. Every time I'm open, honest and vulnerable, it helps me heal which is why I'm so open on the show. If anything is repressed in you, it needs to come out. When you lock the doors to your emotional core, you don't feel the pain but you're also blocking the good stuff too. And how do you know if it's time for a divorce? You need to assess the past to determine the future. Has there been any progress? Have you been any happier? Has your partner made any improvement? Have things gotten better? If the answer is no, the answer will likely be no. No progress up to this point shows no progress in the future. As you go forward in your relationship, if nothing has changed, nothing will change. Nothing will ever get better if nothing has gotten better and nothing will ever change as long as you stay together. Finally, I talk about the decision to stay or leave. When you're in a relationship and you're thinking about splitting up, breaking up, or divorce, take out the fear out of the question and then ask yourself what the decision is. Regret only plays a part if you base your decision on fear. For more TOB, join the Patron Program today patron.theoverwhelmedbrain.com

Where do you go when you have a secret that you believe someone else needs to know? Are you loyal to the secret teller? Do you tell the person who should know the secret? It's a question to ponder, where do your loyalties lies and what should you do with a secret you are committed to keeping? Also, I receive a letter from someone who shares and expresses to as many people as she can but still doesn't feel like she's released or vented her emotions, so she ends up feeling empty and still having pain. Unresolved emotions fester inside of us until we address them in some way, but sometimes we don't know that we're still not deep enough inside the emotional well and all we're doing is pulling up empty buckets. Speaking of emptiness, feeling lonely even when around friends and family is a big challenge too. Lots to talk about today.

Are you at a job that feels like you are being dominated or controlled? Is there a way out of this without quitting? There may be. I get a response from a listener who wrote before who took my advice for her about her work situation and everything turned out for the better. Controlling bosses no longer drove her mad. What keeps you at work you don't like anyway? What's motivating you to stay miserable? Also, what is it with depression? Why does depression kick in so hard and why is it so hard to get back out once you're in it? No joy, no pain, no feeling at all - suicidal thoughts can come into play and sometimes you're so apathetic you don't even care about that. There is a small door, or portal, out of depression and I talk about that door. In Ask Paul, I read a letter from someone who can't stop obsessing over her boyfriend's friendship with his ex-girlfriends, and hates it when he talks about other girls in general. And finally I end the show with a few words on emotionally disconnect people. Many of my coaching clients are married to them! For more TOB, join the Patron Program today patron.theoverwhelmedbrain.com

All this personal growth work is great and all, but you have to actually do the work in order for your life to get better. The main reason is because you need feedback from your environment. You test, observe, test again, take action. You learn through your results. And in order to change your results, your desire has to overcome the results you're getting now. If that happens, your life will change a lot easier. Also, I read a letter from a mom who feels paralyzed by dysfunctional family members and is scared her child is going to pick up or become dysfunctional because of their bad behavior. Family can sometimes be toxic, especially around children. Children know right from wrong, even when they're exposed to toxic stuff, but as long as they have a healthy role model, sometimes the toxicity from others doesn't rub off on them. Be the best role model you can be and your child will do much better because of it. Finally, I talk about how a subtle change in your thoughts can lead to a good outcome or a bad one.

Anxiety, anger, sadness and other emotional advice on the internet seems to be the same where ever you look: Think positively, breathe, count to 10, etc. I'm generalizing of course, but many times, it'll seem like you're reading the same article over and over again, as if the information is just being passed from blog to blog. But, what would happen if you turned the advice around and did the opposite? Funny thing is, that's how I developed some of the tools over here at The Overwhelmed Brain. I just take "normal" advice and do the opposite to see what happens. Hmm... seems to work! Also, I get a letter from a woman who has it all together, found a great relationship, but then the guy left for seemingly no reason. Now she feels hurt, unlovable, unwanted and isn't sure if her pain is from the past before the relationship started or from the breakup itself. This is a LOADED episode and may take two sittings before you get through it.

Anger can rise in you because of a violation of your personal boundaries, but do you even know what your boundaries are? Sometimes we feel anger and we aren't even sure why. It's a good time to learn what your boundaries are and at what point you can be pushed before you "lose it". I read an email from someone who got so angry that he forgot what he said while he was in that state. There is a choice you have to utilize anger for your protection or to attack, and what you choose will determine if you're in control and if you'll create a better outcome or not. Where your anger takes you is up to you as long as you stay conscious long enough to utilize it in the best way possible for everyone involved.

A listener calls me out and tells me, "You couldn't take a couple minutes to answer me personally?" I read her message on the air and respond to it. I always do my best to act from a place of integrity... did I mess up? Also, I received an email from someone in a relationship that may not work out. She wants to know how to balance her own personal growth with the work she's done in her relationship (and not ruin that work). And she also wants to know if she's done everything she can do before leaving the relationship. 'Have I turned the last "Falling out of love" stone before I completely give in to the truth?' When do you really know when you're out of love? There's also another segment on how an Adult Child of an Alcoholic can trust themselves after living a life without it. Self-trust is a process and there is a way to have it again. Overall, this episode is PACKED with personal growth and development lessons. Too much to describe, you'll just have to listen! Sponsor: http://getoutofthemess.com

Kids get overwhelmed brains too. After hearing from a few kids that listen to the show, I decided to dedicate an episode talking about the hardships that kids face. From school and getting made fun of to home and some of the dysfunctions that can be present there. Kids have it tough, because the whole world is new and they are developing experience on the fly. Whereas adults already have so much experience under their belt that they may have forgotten the plight of being a kid and what it takes to get through some of life's more challenging situations. Even as adults, we have a kid in us that wants to cry, play, laugh, get angry, and more, so we need to learn to nurture the kid in us to have a more balanced, happier life. Whether you're a kid or not, and whether you have kids or not, there is something in this episode for everyone.

Are you annoyed by affirmations? It's how I start off every show. I take a few minutes to explain why that is. Also I talk about positive thinking and bridging the gap between emotions and reason. Next when you fear honoring yourself, what can you do? It's great advice to tell someone: "Just honor your boundaries then you can start creating the life you want!" Which of course is something I say all the time. But what if you are just too afraid to? Finally I read a letter from an adult child of an alcoholic who felt that his playfulness was stripped away because of the state of fear he lived in growing up in an alcoholic household. Enjoy this longer episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.

When we talk to ourselves, we really are communicating with another part of ourselves, a deeper subconscious part that has within it a deeper understanding of what really motivates us in life. Sometimes we don't want to communicate with a part of ourselves that feels the pain, but if we don't, that part feels neglected, lonely, hurt and rejected and more. Also, is there a path out of generalized or health anxiety? Does it ever end? There are times when anxious thoughts can help you achieve your goals, then there is the anxiety that we don't want. Finally, I discuss abusive people that we continue to let return to our lives over and over again. Are they abusing us, or are we just abusing ourselves?

Why do we fall off course so easily? When you prioritize tasks that take your time away from the things you want to accomplish, you fall back farther and farther until you are no longer making progress. In fact, you might even end up going backwards. Sometimes you are not in alignment with a bigger vision for yourself. The reason is because you might actually have a value hidden under the surface that you didn't even know was there. Also, is it necessary to forgive others? Learning that forgiveness is all about what's going on inside of you is the first step to healing. The second step is accepting others for who they are today. Doesn't mean you have to keep them around though! Finally, what do you do when you have generalized anxiety, or what one listener asked about: Health Anxiety. Anxiety is such a prevalent condition for so many sufferers... it's time to get to a better place inside ourselves so that it isn't so intrusive.

Codependence is when two or more people fulfill a need for each other that strengthens a dysfunction between them. You usually see this kind of thing between a helper / people-pleaser and a drug addict or an alcoholic. Of course, even someone who is just needy or desperate for attention can be the second half of a codependent relationship. In either case, there is the dysfunction of one person continuing to support the dysfunctional behavior of another. It's the perfect imbalance of love and energy. One person gets their needs met more and more, while the other builds resentment, but keeps on giving in to the needs of the other. I figured it was about time I talked about it.

Are all of your needs met? Do you know why you make the decisions you do? Our needs motivate our behavior. If you respond to life's events from a low level of survival, it'll be more difficult to succeed in a loving relationship or keep steady employment or even gain a level of self-esteem and confidence. Let alone being able to pursue your hobby and passions. When you can start responding to the events in life from a place of fulfilling your purpose, over the lower level needs of surviving and safety, you will find that you will take bigger steps towards your growth. Reaching your potential in life has to start with a shift in your motivation to realize success and fulfillment.

Being in abusive relationship of any kind, especially where you have a dependency on the abuser for one reason or another leaves you in a tough spot. Can you leave and still be okay, or are you so dependent that leaving will put you in a worse situation? This is a tough position to be in so what do you do? Also, sometimes you reach the limits of practicality and have to explore deeper, alternative forms of emotional or physical pain control. You may even step into things a bit outside your belief system. After all, once you open your mind to being open to anything, opportunities present themselvesFinally, when someone desperately wants you back, is it a good decision to take them back? "You complete me" is sometimes laughed about as a quote from a movie, but some take it seriously and believe they actually do need someone to complete them. Is that healthy? Maybe not so much.