The Jayson Gaddis Podcast

QUESTION: It seems like my husband wants me to change things, and that there are things I want him to change... Is that the same things as wanting him to grow, just in different terms? I’ve heard you say that people can’t change their partners, but you have said that the goal should be to grow. I’m wondering what the difference is. How do you accept that your partner isn’t going to change, but then strive or agree to grow? - Natalie, Denver SHOWNOTES Is it okay to want your partner to change? [2:00] Reasonable vs. unreasonable requests [3:00] Reframing change from a growth-oriented mindset [4:00] Requests that make your partner feel judged [6:00] When is it better to move on than to try to change someone? [8:00]

This couple learned how to get stronger through postpartum depression and conflict. Listen how they navigated a big personal crisis and how they helped each other get through it. Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES Denise & TJ's story [11:00] Experiencing spirituality through your partner [13:00] What happens when both partners in a relationship tend to 'take charge'? [18:00] Challenges that come up when you move in together [20:00] Dealing with constant conflict with no resolution [24:00] Dropping the story of 'I don't need anyone else' and finding value in relationship [33:00] How to use experience to be more resourced each time you're in conflict with your partner [37:00] How exploring plant medicines helped Denise & TJ on their journey [38:00] 1 lesson Denise & TJ learnt through The Relationship School ® that impacted them the most [45:00] How to use conflict to understand your partner better [50:00]

QUESTION: I understand that men generally will put career and providing at the top of their priority list, while relationships might hover near the bottom. Relationship is a top priority for me, so how do I get to the place where i’m ok with not being at the top of the list for my guy? How do I not take it personally? Do I need to be looking for someone who’ll put our relationship at the top of their list and make me a priority - or is that a childhood fantasy?  - Vanessa from Santa Monica SHOWNOTES Vanessa's question [1:00] Understanding what it takes for a fulfilling relationship  [2:00] When two people in a relationship have different values [3:00] How you can express your hurt to your partner without getting 'blamey' [4:00] Should you learn to be okay with not being a priority to your partner? [5:00]

Fighting and emotional upset is just part of the program in a committed relationship over many years. But what separates the smart couple from people who really struggle is being able to repair well. In this episode, my wife Ellen Boeder covers why "the repair" is so critical in a strong partnership. It's essential as a parent, so why would it be any different with your partner. Listen in to get a few tips on how to do this fundamental skill and learn from Ellen and me as we share from our own marriage. SHOWNOTES What does a good relationship look and feel like? [7:00] Why feeling ‘safe’ is essential for a good relationship [8:00] Why ‘I’m sorry’ is a bad repair-strategy [18:00] What Ellen calls the ‘micro-repair’[20:00] How to really listen to your partner after conflict without getting triggered [23:00] What are some quick ways to reset the nervous system when words aren’t working? [30:00] Ellen’s advice on conflict and repair for couples [34:00]

QUESTION:I’m single and broken up with four months ago and have decided to take time out of the dating pool to get to know myself more, reflect on my last relationship and to enjoy my own company. The thing is, i know that in the near future, I want a partner. What is your advice on choosing a partner? To be more specific, I’m aware of the relationship process of the honeymoon phase, then the real partnership where you get to know the real person… Since in the honeymoon phase usually people try to be their best selves and not always their authentic selves, how can you identify these characteristics of growth and development mindsets, self-awareness, kindness, trustworthiness? - Mariana from Mexico SHOWNOTES Mariana’s question [1:00] What you can do to really get to know someone you’re dating [2:00] Why do we hide parts of ourselves from the person we're dating? [4:00] How do you get a great relationship? [7:00]

Here at The Relationship School®, we focus on the long-term relationship game. But what if you're ready for a relationship but can't find one? This week, I invited Marni Battista to help shed some light on how single women can break out of their comfort zones, start dating and find a quality guy (without repeating the same patterns over and over again). Make sure to listen for her advice on how to get past the last 10% of unconscious patterns that keep most single women stuck in their comfort zone. Here are a few of the highlights:   SHOWNOTES How Marni became a dating coach [9:00] Learning from mistakes and ‘bad dates’ [15:00] How people get stuck in blame and attract bad dates [16:00] How dating can reveal where you have unfinished self-work [24:00] What Marni calls the ‘love shield’ and how it can keep you stuck [26:00] The danger of quick-fix dating solutions [32:00] Baby-steps for women who need to leave a bad relationship [44:00] Does it matter how you date in the modern world? [36:00] The trap of binge-dating and burning out [38:00] The most common mistake people make in their dating profiles [40:00] Should you tell your date your non-negotiables on the first date? [43:00] Advice for singles who are dating [45:00]

QUESTION:I keep running away from relationships with the opposite sex when they start to get close or use the ‘L word’, basically because I think I’m not good enough for them or they’d end up leaving me. I also find it difficult to initiate talks with other people - what do I do? - Elias SHOWNOTES   This episode's question [1:00] The irony in running away because you're scared of being left [2:00] Fear of being alone is human. Here's how you can use it to build intimacy [3:00] Working on your triggers around abandonment [4:00] Owning your fear [6:00] Dealing with self-worth issues [8:00]

Pat Ogden PhD is a pioneer when it comes to somatic trauma therapy. Her work has touched many people including me. Even if you don't think you have any trauma, you likely have some living in your body that your partner will activate. In this episode, Pat has some great guidance to normalize and assist you in taking small steps that will greatly benefit you and your partner as you wade through the daily triggers of long-term relationship. SHOWNOTES What got Pat into studying human beings and trauma [10:00] How Pat helped women who had difficulty experiencing sexual pleasure [13:00] What is trauma? [17:00] Why we see the ‘freeze response’ in people who were abused as children [19:00] How childhood neglect can show up as trauma in adults [20:00] What’s happening in the bodies of a couple who fights all the time? [22:00] The pursuer and withdrawer dynamic in relationship [26:00] Can we rewire our nervous systems together as a couple? [28:00] The significance of the therapist-client bond [33:00] What couples can do at home to work with their automatic nervous system responses [37:00] Is there harm in retelling a traumatic story? [43:00] Pat’s advice on embodying the self [49:00]

QUESTION:What are your thoughts on the ‘Don’t go to bed angry’ rule? SHOWNOTES This episode's question [1:00] When taking a time-out overnight is the best thing you can do [3:00] Rigid rules vs agreements [6:00] How you can make agreements with your partner that leave room for flexibility [8:00]  

Ever feel like you're tolerating shitty behavior, shouldering the burden of being the ‘therapist’ in the relationship, or constantly giving to others (and talking yourself out of your own needs)? Valuing ourselves and having confidence in our boundaries is key to getting more of what you want and less of what you don’t want - especially in relationship. Danielle Laporte is an expert at helping women find their ‘white hot truth'.  She’s got a gift for translating spirituality, self-help and ‘new age’ thinking into something more palatable for women who are growth-oriented and wanting more in their lives. In this episode, we cover why it's a bad idea to be the therapist in the relationship, boundaries, feeling inadequate (and the lies that the 'new age' world sell us), thinking that we’re asking ‘too much,’ how to value yourself and much more. SHOWNOTES Danielle's story [11:00] The difference between someone who learns from their pain vs someone who stays stuck [18:00] How encouragement through childhood shapes who we grow into [19:00] The trap of believing you’re ‘not enough’ and what Danielle calls the ‘Lie of Inadequacy’ [29:00] The issue of inadequacy in relationship and what to do to counter feeling ‘not enough’ [36:00] What is the “Spiritual Woman Trap”? [38:00] Working with the inner-child to move toward wholeness [46:00] Why boundaries matter to the growth-oriented person [47:00] The ‘Poly movement’ - do open relationships work? [60:00] Advice for men, women, and parents [66:00]  

QUESTION:I feel like I’m doing my part setting boundaries, communicating my needs and asking for what I want.  What else can I try?I’ve done the work to learn how to express and articulate my needs, how I want to be treated, what’s not ok with me, behaviour that’s hurtful (very clearly with specific behaviours) and setting clear boundaries.  Some of the behaviours continue even though I’ve clearly told him I won’t tolerate it anymore. When I tell him how this specific behaviour impacts me, I often get a sarcastic “I’m sorry you feel this way” and he just doesn’t listen to me.   SHOWNOTES This episode's question [1:00] How does it feel to get 'I'm sorry you feel that way' from your partner? [2:00] How to diffuse the anger in a heated conversation [4:00] Training your partner to really listen to you [5:00]

Want to know one man's approach to calling in the one? How did he find his dream relationship? What exactly did he do? Then, how did he create the dream relationship even after it got really dark? Find out how to find and create a solid relationship through one man's inspiring story. Once again we learn a lesson from a man who was willing to face himself and go work on what he needed to. SHOWNOTES Dan’s story [4:00] Tools Dan and his wife use when they’re facing challenges in relationship [13:00] When to get help with relationship-trouble outside of the relationship [14:00] How getting clear on what you want on an online dating site can help you meet your dream man or woman [19:00] What Dan did to get himself prepared for marriage [20:00] The danger of pushing your own values onto your partner [29:00] What prevented Dan from bailing after two weeks of non-stop conflict with his wife [34:00] How Dan got into personal growth and men’s work [39:00] Dealing with stigma around men’s work [47:00] How to bring spirituality to men’s work [51:00] How a traditional ‘man’s man’ can relate to the more ‘feeling-centered’ side of men’s work [53:00] The shift in men’s culture and the rise of personal-growth for men [57:00]

QUESTION: Since a boundary of mine is about to be breached - again - does that spell the end of this particular partnership? I've been lying to myself and my partner about my ok-ness with her quarterly 7+ day adventures with a supposedly platonic friend of hers. It took almost a year to figure that out and come to a place of acceptance with it. Last night during a semi-routine check-in conversation I was finally able to be honest with myself and with her that these trips, which started after she and I began seeing each other just over a year ago, are not ok with me - to the point of being non-negotiable. It turns out that I need my partner to have me as their primary adventure person. In less than two weeks, my partner and this friend of hers are scheduled to embark on a 9 day climbing journey together. - Alex, CA SHOWNOTES Alex’s question [1:00] When people use spirituality as an excuse for not standing up for their needs [2:00] How to find win-win when making requests with your partner [4:00] The difference between setting setting boundaries with your partner and controlling them [6:00] When is it best to take what we’ve learnt from this relationship as practice for the next? [9:00]

Imagine you're 12 years old, at home watching tv, ears pricked up as you hear your dad pulling into the driveway. Every part of your nervous system listening to the revving of the engine, the slam of the car door, the keys in the front door. All these things might be the difference between being greeted cheerfully, being ignored, or being beaten. It doesn't take long to become an expert at knowing what's coming. The levels of sensitivity we develop to these dynamics as kids has a direct impact on what we get triggered by, how we get triggered, whether we fight, run or freeze. Sadly, many people never get the chance to undo & heal the hurt of abuse and neglect from their childhood, so many of us suffer with emotional blocks, blindspots and triggers for the rest of our lives. Christian Pankhurst is doing the work to help us heal those wounds. In this episode, we talk about some practical steps to help you take control of the emotional triggers & untangle our shame through, what Christian calls 'Heart Intelligence' (or Heart IQ™) Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES Christian’s story [8:00] Growing up with a violent father [17:00]  How to accelerate your self-awareness with ‘circle work’ [19:00]  The dangers of the dysfunctional, disconnected masculine [21:00]  A tip for men on tracking their experience for increased self awareness [25:00]  The critical difference between ‘Triggered’ and ‘Non-Triggered’ energy [30:00]  A reframing question that can turn your pain into productive forward motion [34:00]

QUESTION:Going into my 10th month of a relationship. 2 week break up (his initiation), came back back asking to work it out, showing up strong, committed and communicative. There is only one problem..no sex. He got distant before the break up (last few weeks)...and I asked about it then. He said it was a "him" thing. I realize we need a conversation....but before I do..I need objective insight.He does not touch me in any sexual ways. He holds my hand...and snuggles with me at night, even in his sleep.I am fairly attractive...so don't chalk it up to that. But...this feels so bad and awkward. Has anyone else had this?He has never been aggressive or overly sexual with me, but now it is non existent. I feel like this is an NNN but I do not want to leave a relationship over sex....but...have considered.Any suggestions or thoughts? SHOWNOTES Can you be in long-term, fulfilling relationship without sex? [4:00] How can having kids change your sex-life for the better? [5:00] Why some couples choose a sex-less marriage [6:00] The most common reason couples don't have sex [8:00]

The feeling of being lost and purposeless in life has a big impact on our relationships.  Men and women have a deep need to not only connect with each other, but connect to a bigger meaning in their life. Satyen Raja is an expert at helping us develop the higher levels of purpose & evolution in our lives - and this affects everything from our work, our relationships with our partners & kids, our fitness and our level of satisfaction with our lives. His '4 freedoms' is an extremely useful exercise to helping you keep your eye on your highest self - especially if we're suffering in feeling lost and without direction. This episode, largely geared toward the men, will challenge you and give you a toolkit that dramatically increase your relationship and life satisfaction if you apply them - listen carefully for the exercises and grab a notebook, because these ones are important. SHOW NOTES How to create a relationship where both partners are learning from and inspiring one another [13:00] Satyen's number one thing he's learned as a man in relationship to his wife [15:00] Men & women triggering each other & how to deal with both [17:00] How men can listen better in conflict without being a 'doormat' [18:00] A martial arts technique to calm down when you're triggered [19:00] The "4 freedoms"  for accelerated evolution and higher purpose [22:00] A 10min exercise men can do to bring more presence to their partner [30:00] How to move toward more meaning in life [43:00] Satyen's "Accelerated Evolution" trauma-release technique [49:00] Satyen's advice for men who are stuck or lost in life  [61:00]

Is there a difference between therapy and coaching? In this episode, I explore the main differences and what matters more than anything else when trying to find a good therapist or coach to help you through your relationship challenges. SHOWNOTES Where should you go for relationship advice? [2:00] The difference between a psychiatrist, a psychologist, and a psychotherapist [4:00] Why do some coaches charge more than therapists? [10:00] Good coaching vs bad coaching [11:00] How bad therapy can keep you stuck [13:00] When should you go to a therapist and when should you go to a coach? [16:00]

There are two giant ways we screw up our relationships. One is by breaking agreements. The other is by never having agreements to begin with.   Broken agreements can be great opportunities to open a dialogue with our partner about our needs, renegotiate our agreements if they no longer make sense, or even draw a hard boundary around what we will and won’t tolerate.   But what happens when we never have agreements to begin with? Expecting our partner to do, be and act a certain way without clearly communicating is a recipe for an almost certain 'sh*t hitting the fan’ fight.   In this conversation with Christine Hassler, we dive into the world of agreements, communication and what she calls ‘expectation hangovers’.   Make sure to listen carefully for the three ways that we fall prey to toxic (and easily preventable) expectations that can blow up in our faces when left unchecked - in our relationships and in our lives. Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES Christine’s story [7:00] How beliefs ingrained early in childhood can show up as physiological symptoms later [10:00] What depression can tell us about suppressed or repressed emotions [10:00] What Christine calls “Journey Mates” (and why not all break-ups are a bad thing) [12:00] Exercises for self-compassion and self-awareness [17:00] The difference between Agreements and Expectations [23:00] How to handle broken agreements in relationship [25:00] How to handle it when your partner doesn’t meet your expectations [25:00] What is an “Expectation Hangover”? [26:00] What we DON’T want to do when dealing with an Expectation Hangover [28:00]

Dealing with a partner who is triggered can be difficult - especially if they respond negatively to your help. Maybe you’ve been here before: your partner is upset about something, you do your best to give them some encouraging words or to calm them down, but no matter what you do, your partner’s gets more and more upset (or worse... now upset with you for trying to help). If you’ve ever been in this situation before and want to know how to prevent it, this episode is for you. QUESTION:How do we re-parent our partner, and meet them in regressive child-like states when they are triggered without infantilizing them? I find when I go into nurturing mode when my partner is triggered, he often responds with aggression, I think in part because it feels emasculating or patronizing, or possibly because he doesn’t feel lovable in those moments. - Caitlin SHOWNOTES Caitlin’s question [4:00] Why do men get triggered when you try to help them? [5:00] How to take care of your man without him feeling emasculated [6:00] Learning how to help each other when you’re triggered [7:00] What to do when your partner responds to your support with aggression [10:00]

A major shift is happening with the way we educate young adults about relationships and sex.  Despite what we hear in the media about the 'hookup culture,' the majority of young adults are very interested in learning about relationships and long-term partnerships. Alexandra Solomon is paving the way in the academic world, educating both students and adults in the all-important long-term relationship game.  If you're a parent or a teacher, this is a great episode to listen to.  You'll get a sense of what the important topics, conversations and areas that young adults are wanting to know about when it comes to relationships. SHOWNOTES Alexandra's story [3:00] Exploring the lessons you learned in childhood [13:00] How to talk to students about sex and relationships [18:00] Teaching young adults to shift from 'performance-based' sex to connection-based sex [20:00]

Do you have a friend or partner telling you to listen to this podcast?  Don't know where to start and feel pressured to get 'up to speed'?  This episode is for you. SHOWNOTES Should you listen to this podcast? [1:00] Why you SHOULD be skeptical [2:00] How to show your partner that you care about the relationship in your own way [5:00]

There’s been a surge in alternative, traditional methods to healing our deepest wounds. One of the main approaches that has gained popularity here in America is the use of the traditional South American brew, Ayahuasca, in guided ceremonies. Dr Gabor Maté, renowned addiction expert, and writer, is back for a second conversation to discuss the benefits & cautions to using Ayahuasca. In this conversation, we also discuss many natural (non-medicinal) methods to healing trauma through the power of present-moment awareness practices, safe relationships and creating space for healing. Here are a few of the highlights: SHOWNOTES Where Western medicine succeeds & fails [11:00] What traditional rituals can teach us about healing [13:00] How Ayahuasca works and why it’s used [16:00] Finding the roots of our trauma [29:00] Dealing with trauma using present-moment awareness [32:00] Why we need to create space in our lives for healing and rest [38:00]

How often do you find yourself wanting to ask for something in your relationship - more communication, more time & attention, more touch - only to find yourself holding back out of fear? Expressing (or confessing) our needs can feel scary and edgy.  If it's a 'non-negotiable need' it's easy to feel like you're threatening the relationship with an ultimatum: "I need this or I'm out". S0 do you hold back, hoping your partner will come around on their own (and getting more resentful when they don't)? Or do you bring your needs to the table and cross your fingers, hoping it all goes well? This episode will teach you how to get your needs met, without feeling  you're making a threat to the relationship. QUESTION  You speak of stating and sticking by your Non-Negotiable Needs, but you also say to never threaten to walk away from the relationship. So how do you stick up for yourself and your NNN's without the threat of walking away hanging around in the background -- isn't it implied that you'll be leaving if your NNN's aren't met? I am missing how to do this properly. THANK YOU for your help and for clearing this up! -Jessica SHOWNOTES Does having needs make you ‘needy’? [1:00] Communicating your needs to your partner in a non-threatening way [3:00] When your needs aren’t compatible with your partner’s [6:00] Getting your needs met without threatening the relationship [7:00] When you have a need for more communication and connection than he can give you [8:00] Your action step [9:30]

Finally about the real research that backs up the mission of The Relationship School®. Not only are teens NOT being educated about romantic relationships, but 70% of teens and young adults are WANTING more help and guidance around their love relationships. This is outstanding news because it's been a major void. In this episode, I speak with lead researcher Richard Weissbourd about his 5-year study with over 3000 teens and young adults on romantic relationships. If you are a parent, or want to be one, this is a must listen. SHOWNOTES How love evolves over the course of a relationship (and why that’s a good thing) [9:00] Why relationships aren’t being taught in school [14:00] The truth about teen hookup culture [20:00] Learning to talk about relationships and sex with our kids [23:00] Why it’s important to challenge misconceptions about romantic love [25:00]

QUESTION My husband’s parents have told me in the past (to them it’s funny) about how harsh they were with him as a baby and as a young child. This might explain why when our newborn has meltdowns he sometimes gets frustrated to the point of telling her to 'shut up' and at times handling her a little rougher than I feel comfortable with. I understand where my husband is coming from, given his past, but I refuse to allow my daughter to grow up with that kind of treatment or to allow her to be his experiment as he learns how to manage his hurt and frustration.  How can I approach my husband with concerns about how he treats our child? - Christina in South Florida SHOWNOTES When your partner crosses the ‘safety’ line with your child [1:00] The tricky game of setting boundaries in parenting [3:00] If your partner is unwilling to change their parenting style [5:00] What to do when you’ve reached your emotional limit with persistent tantrums [6:00]

This episode is for the male entrepreneur, a guy who is likely to have a hard time in romantic relationships. If you are dating or married to an entrepreneur, this podcast will help you. My guest Jordan Gray covers some of the main reasons why high-achieving male entrepreneurs struggle to find the same success in partnership as they might find in their businesses. From sexual dysfunction to relationships ending, Jordan will challenge you to take a few simple steps to earn your way into a great intimate partnership and it's not about accomplishing more. You'll have to think differently on this one... SHOWNOTES Jordan’s story [10:00] The connection between sensitivity and self-awareness 21:00] Can too much ‘self-reflection’ time cause depression and anxiety? [16:00] The hidden reason we use the excuse that ‘there are no good men left’ [18:00] ‘Maximizing’ vs ‘Satisficing’ in relationship (and which one is better) [20:00] How success-driven guys can develop sexual dysfunctions… and what to do about it [21:00] Can you work 70 hours/week and still have a good relationship? [22:00] How performance and achievement mindsets can block intimacy [24:00] Overcoming limiting beliefs that kill your connection [28:00] What to do if you’re feeling neglected by a busy, career-driven man [33:00] How to get a super-busy man to unplug, reconnect and spend time together [34:00] Why our libido is the first thing to shut down when we’re stressed [39:00]

How do we not burn out our partner with our problems? Is it okay to have them be the only support system for us? What is a better set up? In this episode you'll hear some feedback on why it's important to c0-support each other and not just have it be one way. Erica's question: Can you speak about dealing with a partner’s emotions during high stress and emotional times so that we can be both fulfilled? Erica's question [2:00] How to help your partner in a way that works for you [5:00] When you should be seeking support outside of the relationship [5:00] How to avoid burning your partner out with your problems [6:00] What you can do to take the pressure off the relationship in high-stress times [7:00]  

Are you aware how your past negative experiences are shaping your current relationship reality? Well, they are and until you deal with those, it will be harder to get what you claim you want. In this episode my guest Mark Groves takes us on a deeper exploration about how negative beliefs can block your relationship potential. And some of those negative beliefs might be buried below your awareness. I'm so grateful for Mark's gifts here and I think you'll get a lot out of this episode. Especially if you like working  your inner psychology. SHOWNOTES How Mark got to being a "Human Connection Specialist" [7:00] How do you know if they're 'The One'? [12:30] A quick tip for when you need to make a difficult decision [18:00] Finding the underlying core beliefs that keep you stuck in unconscious patterns [20:00] How we sell ourselves out for security and safety [21:00] Why people get married when they don't really want to [24:00] The power of subconscious narratives [25:00] Redefining marriage to suit your relationship [28:00] The difference between choosing marriage out of fear vs love [31:00] How you can re-frame your internal narrative to dis-identify from negative thought patterns [42:00] A powerful exercise to take ownership and responsibility for your life [44:00] How Mark handles relationship challenges [50:00]

QUESTION from our listener Jeff: How can a couple grow together and be truly happy if one of the parties has some underlying personal issues? I dive into this question and offer Jeff some basic feedback that all of us need to hear about "issues." If you think your partner has issues, this is going to help both of you, a lot! SHOWNOTES Whose 'issues' you need to beware of [3:00] Do you have to be happy with yourself before you get into a relationship? [5:00] The two decisions you need to make to deal with dysfunctional behaviour [8:00] How to avoid weaponizing self-help tools [10:00]

Feeling insecure in relationships is par for the course. So, wouldn't it make sense to learn how to increase your confidence in a relationship? If you expect yourself to be "good" at relationship, your partner will show you over time where you are insecure and weak. So, listen to this episode as I interview 5 graduates of The Relationship School® and notice how they turned their confidence issues around. SHOWNOTES  When insecurity leads to blaming your partner [2:00] Why confidence needs to be earned [4:00] Meet the Relationship School® coaches [6:00] How confidence can change as you work on yourself [11:00] Learning the skills to deal with fear in conflict instead of hiding out [12:00] Owning sensitivity and vulnerability [13:00] What sharing impact in relationship can do for you [14:00] Knowing where you stand so you can build connection with others [21:00]

If your partner gets angry and it triggers you, listen to this one. There are a couple of basic things you can do to support each other. QUESTION From Kristen in Philadelphia: Just want to thank you for everything you’ve done with the podcast - it’s had a tremendous impact on my life. I wanted to ask you a question about healthy expressions of frustration and conflict. I have a partnership with someone I really love and sometimes, in conflict when he’s extremely frustrated, he tends to pound a pillow or grunt or do some physical manifestation of his frustration. He tends to be more of a fighter - I’m more like freeze/flight. I have a history of physical and sexual abuse. I’ve done a lot of work with it, with EMDR and stuff like that, but still, when he does that in conflict, I find it super triggering, I get really afraid. I talked to him about that and asked him if he could refrain from doing it around me and he was responsive, but I’m wondering if that’s healthy and something I should adapt to and allow for or if it is fair or reasonable for me to not want him to do it? Any of your thoughts would be super helpful, thanks! What is a healthy expression of anger? [3:00] A powerful technique for handling things when you're triggered [7:00] How to deal with root-cause of anger long-term [8:00]

If you want to know how to overcome erectile dysfunction, you'll need a complete reframe on this entire issue. I offer my own personal experience and how I used my shame to get hard again, as well as some exact steps you can take to get in the driver's seat of this issue and overcome it. I sprinkle in some humor to help take the edge off. This is for the men, but also will help you women out there who are with, or have been with, a man struggling with ED. SHOWNOTES Why some men take viagra [7:00] Understanding what ‘soft’ means [11:00] The system that governs your erections [13:00} The three ways our mind can cockblock us [17:00] How to learn from your body [24:00] How to slow down and enjoy your sex life more [28:00] Your action step [32:00]

Why do some people get taken advantage of, taken for granted and walked all over in their relationships?  In this episode I talk about one crucial step for getting the respect, appreciation, and value that you deserve in all your relationships. SHOWNOTES The person who is responsible for your relationship [1:00] Who you need respect from the most [2:00] When you tolerate people treating you poorly… [4:00] Your action step [5:00]  

Dating advice on a relationship podcast? Yes, enough people said they wanted that, so we're experimenting with our first dating episode. Evan Marc Katz brings some amazingly simple and practical advice to the online dating scene. There are loads of great tips here to turn dumb luck into a skill. Singles will benefit, but there's some practical relationship advice in here as well. How to have higher quality first dates [13:00] The ‘2, 2, 2’ rule for better connection through online dating [15:00] The power in being passive [23:00] Gender roles in modern dating [24:00] Why you don't want a 50/50 relationship [26:00] Balancing chemistry and compatibility [29:00] The difference between 'Compromising' and 'Settling' [33:00] Fighting vs problem-solving in relationship [36:00] What if you're dating someone who's not into personal growth? [48:00] Why 'Just be yourself' is bad advice [46:00] Why you should be 'Slow to hire, quick to fire' [50:00]

What are the pros and cons of looking at marriage as forever? And how can you personally engage in one of the biggest commitments of your life without falling into someone else's programming, but also without hedging your bets and thinking you always have an out? Find out in this week's episode. Question from Heather - Hawaii  "Can you please clarify on why we shouldn’t be striving to stay in a marriage forever? Backstory: I just finished listening to your latest episode about the point of marriage and it really triggered me. Here is why…you do all these amazing podcasts talking about long term relationship and how to make it better and grow not only as an individual but as a couple.. why wouldn’t you want that for the rest of your life? What is the point of trying to sustain a long term relationship when your goal is 10 years or maybe 20 and then you reevaluate… It seems to me that means giving up. Why wouldn’t you strive for forever or 50 years?  If you have a partner that is willing to grow and change with you the entire time why wouldn’t that be your goal. Why would you ever put into the universe otherwise. Why would we work so hard at having a great long term relationship only to have in the back of our minds this isn’t forever. That seems like a bit of a fear of commitment still because in your mind you already have an out. To me that would be a great challenge to sustain a great relationship for 50 years. It would be work yes for sure but well worth it. I am not talking about staying just to say you made it that far I am of course talking about being truly fulfilled for that entire time and always growing to be your best selves." SHOWNOTES Should we be all-in forever? [1:00] When moving on is a good thing [7:00] How being overzealous about your commitments can backfire [8:00] The difference between being ‘all-in’ and being locked-in [11:00]

How do you deal with an emotional woman? Guys are going to want to listen to this. My guest Terry Real shares a ton of insight here in his 2nd interview with SCP including the 3 phases of marriage and the five habits that hurt your relationship. Listen in for more! SHOWNOTES: The three phases of marriage [8:00] The five habits that hurt your relationship [12:00] Why we pick partners who trigger us [14:00] The two main issues all couples have [18:00] The difference between obligatory and voluntary nurturing (the difference can make or break a marriage) [24:00] How Boomers and Millenials treat relationships differently [27:00] How to express complaints so that your partner hears them [34:00] A 2-step process to help overcome a harsh inner critic [39:00]

How do you end a relationship with respect and dignity?  People make breaking up a lot more complicated than it needs to be. In this episode, I talk about how to handle breaking up in a clean, direct and honest way. SHOWNOTES Question from Shelby: "I’ve been working on myself through a romantic relationship for about a year and a half now. We really seem to connect deeply when we are together - which is minimal - yet it’s not enough for him to stay in the relationship so that it goes anywhere significant. I feel like I’m just lingering in this relationship that I still have feelings for and it’s not at the level of commitment I want. I’ve heard you mention something along the lines of 'when you end a relationship, you set the stage for your next relationship.' How do I respectfully end a relationship with someone that won’t see me in person, won’t talk to me on the phone, or if I say anything serious by text, he disappears - in a way that invites a healthy relationship moving forward?" How do I end a relationship and not repeat patterns going forward? [2:00] Ending a relationship like a mature adult [3:00] How to un-complicate the break-up process [6:00]

Why do men pull away when they get close? Then, some of them will come back, only to pull away again. WTF is going on here? SHOWNOTES What is going on when a man pulls away? [7:00] The surprising reason he pulls away and disconnects from you [8:00] Why annoying your partner is a good thing (and will happen forever) [10:00] The feedback loop that keeps you both stuck [13:00] Two powerful tips for when he pulls away [14:00]

Personal growth isn't the end all be all. But it does make a massive difference if you want a thriving partnership over time... QUESTION: “My question is in relation to Podcast #34, Triggers.I’ve heard you’ve say in numerous podcasts what’s required to have growth oriented people, that it requires 100% commitment of “I’m in” to the path of personal development and responsibility and interest in myself for this work to be effective. What do you do if a person is 50% in? What do you do if they’re interested in taking responsibility and owning themselves about half the time? The rest of the time is still blaming, dealing with upsets, resentment and disconnection. The latter is tremendously difficult for me and brings up a lot for me. I can continue to work with my end of it, but also notice 50% is not good enough for me. I want more. Do you come up to this a lot in your work and if so, what are your solutions to dealing with it?" - Max, Boulder, CO - 3/29/17 SHOWNOTES Why you both need to be all-in [3:00] Can a man who has sexual addiction to escorts because of anger overcome his addiction, and how do I stand by him while he’s working on this? [6:00] Would a man cuddle with a female he doesn’t like or interested in? [7:00] What causes a man to cheat when the woman helps with just about everything and will do anything for him? [9:00] How do you know then you’re ready to take the next step in a relationship? [10:00] How can I get him to understand that I don’t want it all the time and it doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him? [11:00] When you and your partner are under stress [12:00]

Have you ever wondered why you struggle to learn something new when you are stressed? Do you wonder why you or your partner are so damn sensitive? Well, there's a scientific reason for all of this and in this week's episode, I interview the man who developed the polyvagal theory. He's a real pioneer and someone who cares a lot about you feeling safe, in life, and in your relationships. Stephen Porgess is about to give you a big download on why you might not feel safe and what you can do about it. Bottom line? We cover the neuroscience of safe relationships and how to create them. SHOWNOTES Why we need relationships to keep our nervous systems calm [16:00] How neuroscience understands ‘intimacy’ [21:00] Marriage before, during and after kids [25:00] What to do next time you feel yourself triggered and activated [29:00] How safety and creativity are linked [32:00] Using your tone of voice to facilitate more safety in your interactions [43:00] The surprising truth about our happiest childhood memories [55:00] Why you should never work anything out over the phone [57:00]

Is your sex drive different than your partner? This can lead to a lot of challenges. Unless, you keep things simple, lead with vulnerability and speak your needs. Listen here for more. QUESTION: Hi Jayson, this is Lillian, New Orleans. I’m reaching out to you today because I notice I’m having a really hard time asking for sex from my wife. We have a history of having kind of a wide libido gap and in recent years that’s smoothed out - we’re more compatible there now than we’ve been before - but I find myself in situations where if we’re away from each other for a long time, like say her work schedule is too loaded or something, I end up feeling kind of estranged from her and there’s some part of me that feels like connecting physically and even sexually would be grounding for me in some way. I don’t know if that’s a thing, but I do know that even if that’s not a thing, I’m concerned about my inability to ask. I’m wondering if you have anything to say about it? Thankyou for your hard work, thanks Jayson. SHOWNOTES If you’re scared to ask your partner for sex [2:00] How ‘leading with vulnerability’ can help open the dialogue [4:00] Why some couples go years without sex [7:00]  

Mandy - Smart Couple Facebook Page Feeling connected. First of all, can we explore the meaning of that in depth? To me it's hard to define and hard to ask for and hard to get though my partner really tries. It's a feeling I get that my partner and I are connected. lol. Not helping. We're connected when we're both open to one another, present, affectionate, compassionate. Is it too much or unrealistic to want the goal to be in that heart centered connected space "all" the time? Not literally all the time but you know, like a majority. I could get that feeling from a 2 minute interaction everyday I think. That doesn't seem unrealistic but please tell me if it is. Seems like for a lot of couples men get connected through sex and women can feel connected through sex but prefer to feel connected before being sexually intimate. That's me. Why is that? How to handle when neither is getting what they need? Sex or heart connection. How can I go about being down for sex without a heart connection. How could a man move toward being more heart connected without sex? How do I explain my need to someone who this is all brand new to? SHOWNOTES Is it unrealistic to want to feel connected all the time? [6:00] When life stress gets in the way of your connection at home [11:00] Why ‘islands’ need more connection than you might think [18:00] Learning how to reconnect after you lose connection [21:00] What you can learn from sports teams and musicians about connection[27:00]  

QUESTIONS: I was listening to Episode 12 with Dr Keith Witt and was really intrigued about the role that shame plays in conflict and in relationship. Specifically in parenting as well as in long term partnership. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on that. Boyfriend and I are on a break at this moment. The anger I have from my ex is so bad… shame and blame a lot, how can I handle this situation for the future?  Boyfriend has some serious issues with his family and whenever an issue arises he disconnects and becomes distant. I try to be patient and understanding but it does become hurtful.  How do I handle this the best way? What do I do when my husband gives his friend’s wife more attention than he does me? I recently lost my 20 year relationship with my best friend as I called her out & shamed her in a loving way regarding the things she said about a new love. Her response to this was “I threw things back in her face.”  She then ghosted me for 6 months until I confronted her. Turns out she can’t see, call or text me anymore.  Would you say this is her out of integrity with herself and therefore blocked me and wants nothing to do with me?  My fiancé and I are in the midst of a 3-day fight. Should we keep working through it or take a break? SHOWNOTES The difference between guilt and shame [5:00] Seeing shame as your ally [6:00] When it’s ok to shame, and when it’s not [8:00] Understanding how our emotions are giving us feedback [13:00]

Are you dealing with narcissism in your relationship? How do you really know? What are the signs and more importantly, what's going on with you that has you with someone you are labeling as "narcissistic?" In this episode I dive into these questions and more with my friends Jeff and Rachel, both very skilled psychotherapists who understand narcissism and how it can impact your relationship. SHOWNOTES How narcissists relate to their sense of ‘self’ differently [13:00] Understanding how people get their narcissistic supply [17:00] The need for an idealized self-image [20:00] How narcissists counter-intuitively depend on everyone else [23:00] Getting their world [29:00] How to get through to a narcissist [32:00] What happens when partners complain from a place of helplessness [41:00] Being willing to lose a bad relationship [43:00]

Why settle for scraps in your relationship and be with someone who doesn't treat you with the utmost respect, even during the hardest of times? Well, there's often one reason...Listen in as I challenge you to ask for more. SHOWNOTESQUESTIONS: I’ve been in a relationship. We bought a home together, we’ve split up and I find myself continuing to go back and unable to let go.  How do you know it’s time to work or walk away? [4:00]  My husband doesn’t want divorce and he has had an affair - but he’s neither choosing me nor choosing the affair. What should I do? [6:00] My partner distances himself due to stress and finances for the last two years and puts the relationship on the backburner instead of finding strength in it, is that a sign I’m not being a good support? [7:00] My teenage daughter is currently not respecting my need for time out. She knows it’s important but still having a hard time in the moment and ends up saying hurtful things. Any other tools we could use? [13:00] When to wait in a relationship [5:00]  Your two options when your partner is having an affair [6:00] If your partner is stressed and distances himself [7:00] Why people settle for ‘scraps’ in relationship [8:00] If you’re always ‘the giver’ in relationship [12:00] Learning to soften if you’re a Type-A personality [13:00]

Our culture as 'sexually jammed up' [11:00] The Request - Offer - Invitation method and what we can do to loosen ourselves up [16:00] Betty’s ‘Waking Up The Hands’ exercise and how to test your ‘pleasure capacity’ [18:00] The single biggest factor in the quality of your touch [25:00] What to do when someone asks you what you want but you don’t know [39:00] How to ask for what you want [40:00]

If you are a more "masculine" woman, chances are you'll find yourself with a more "feminine" man. Is this a problem? Not at all. In fact, if you understand basic polarity principles, this can work to your advantage. Unless of course, you want to keep blaming your partner. There is something simpler you can do. Listen for more info...   QUESTION: Can you speak to male/female polarity dynamics? Particularly when the female partner tends to have more of a masculine energy in the relationship - in terms of being type-A, taking action, wanting to get things done - while the male partner has more of a passive, laid back, feminine energy.As the female partner with the more masculine energy, I find this dynamic really frustrating and wonder if it means I’ll be signing up for life where I will be doing most of the heavy lifting around all the practical dynamics of daily life?I was wondering if this dynamic would be too difficult to sustain in a satisfactory way, although we are both growth-oriented, so that part is not a concern. Why we get triggered by our opposites [3:00] You go first (don’t wait for your partner to change) [4:00] Learning to own what you’ve disowned for a better relationship [8:00]

What is co-regulation and how do I feel safe in my relationship? In this episode my guest Bonnie Badenoch goes deep into the co-regulatory nervous system. We discuss the importance of interpersonal neurobiology and how we can regulate each other. She covers the myth and limitations of self-regulation and what we must learn instead. Bonnie is a psychotherapist and healer devoted to helping people feel safe in their own skin. We cover a lot of ground in this one, and I recommend going slow and maybe even listening twice. The myth of 'self-regulation' [13:00] What happens when we're co-disregulated [15:00] How we can feel safe by using a third person [20:00] Why co-regulation is so vital to our sense of safety and security [25:00] If you think your partner is  in their 'left-brain' too often, they might be experiencing this type of acute pain [36:00] The little-known third branch of the autonomic nervous system [41:00] How feeling helpless can mimic death in the body [46:00] jaysongaddis.com/attachment

What does marriage really mean? [3:00] Are 50 year relationships realistic? [7:00] Using marriage as a vehicle for your own personal growth [11:00] jaysongaddis.com/10a

SHOWNOTES How to work out your differences quickly [2:00] Understanding how our childhood coping mechanisms effect our relationships [5:00] An effective tool to rate your ability to handle conflict [6:00] The most essential decision to make to handle relationship issues [8:00]