The Jayson Gaddis Podcast

Relationship pain has a very clear purpose. If you are hip to it, you’ll thrive in relationships. If you are uneducated here, you’ll run away and play the victim. Direct and to the point, I suggest a very important daily practice for you to strengthen your mindset about long-term partnership. Pain hurts indeed. And, what if pain was your ally in disguise? SHOWNOTES Your only two choices you have about your relationship pain [4:30] What is one of the harshest versions of relational pain [6:00] The first thing to NOT do when in relationship pain. [11:00] The good news about pain and stress [15:45] What happens when you just bounce from relationship to relationship. [17:00] The link between your emotional pain and your numbing habits. [21:45] What makes someone really unattractive. [25:00] Relationship Pain Daily Practice I have two choices with my relationship pain: 1. Use it to make me weaker by whining, complaining, and blaming others (or myself). 2. Use it to make me stronger by seeing it as my ally to master the lesson it’s bringing me. It’s 100% of the time up to me to choose.

One of the most fundamental skills we need to navigate life’s challenges is not formally taught to us. We learn through the school of hard knocks and most of us get some pretty big scars. These scars don’t heal unless you use the very best methods to become stronger. Join me here as I invite you into something very special. Something that could impact us well beyond our life. SHOWNOTES The flawed thinking behind simply wanting a great relationship. [3:00] What could have benefited Jayson had he taken a relationship class as a kid. [4:00] How wanting to be liked is impacting children’s integrity with themselves. [5:45] Jayson’s puts his stake in the ground. [9:15] The big flaw in the current school system. [11:00] Jayson’s bold invitation. [12:30]  

Do attachment principles actually work in adult relationships? How can secure functioning assist you and your partner into greater safety and openness in your marriage? In this episode I talk with Stan Tatkin, couple therapist, and adult attachment guru. I’ve been studying this guy for the past 2 years through my wife. He’s making a very important contribution, backed by brain science, with the neuro psychobiological approach to how adults to long-term relationship successfully. Get ready to “parent” your partner! Yikes! I learned a lot here and am eager to share his work with you. SHOWNOTES How did Stan get into becoming a therapist? [5:45] What is “secure functioning”? [13:00] How is secure functioning different than “co-dependency”? [21:45] What does a co-dependent dynamic look like in real life? [22:30] Are we re-parenting ourselves with our chosen partners? [28:00] What is a “master regulator” in a relationship? How to tell if that’s you. [31:30] How to avoid choosing a partner who is not a good fit for a secure functioning model? [32:30] When dating, here’s one thing you MUST do. [35:00] What is the allostatic load and how does it impact both your body and relationships? [38:00] The antidote to when a relationship goes on auto-pilot. [47:00] Island, Anchor, Wave and why they matter in your relationship. [48:00] The myth of “you need to love yourself first before you can love someone else”. [52:00] Does your therapist also need to be in a thriving partnership [55:00] Why does Stan say that “dating lasts forever”? [56:30] Stan’s big tip on how couples can stimulate their marriage on a daily basis [58:00]

Does having children ruin your marriage? The stats are against most of you who get married and choose children. But why is this, and what can you and your spouse do about it? Find out this and so much more as Jayson & Ellen use their own story as another example of what’s possible during the hardest of times. SHOWNOTES A powerful definition of a mature person. [2:20] The gloomy article on parenting that got Ellen and Jayson fired up. [6:15] The negative view of marriage. [7:50] How women are impacted after having a baby. [9:20] The defining moment that Ellen remembers, but Jayson blocked out. [11:30] The biggest factor that will impact your overall happiness in life [17:30] What Ellen said to Jayson that hit him in the gut like a truck and woke him up big time. [21:45] Ellen shares what Jayson does consistently that helps her show up more fully in their marriage and their family. [24:45] An important perspective that can help you deliver your truth more effectively. [28:00]

Do you have any friends in your life that lovingly challenge you? If not, you’re missing out on big growth that could help your primary partnership. SHOWNOTES Why loneliness can literally kill you. [2:30] The trap of only relying on your partner for support. [7:02] How you can speed up the learning in your relationship. [9:45] A great way to kill your sex life with your partner. [11:00] When it might be a good time to get new friends. [12:30] The first person who told Jayson he was full of shit (and why he loved it) [15:45] How to skillfully use judgment to help your friends [17:30] How to show up more powerfully when visiting your family. [20:55] Jayson’s invitation. [27:10]

In this episode, I bring on my better half, my wife to rock it out with me. We had fun exploring the early stages of our relationship and what had us “choose” each other. There are some funny and not so funny shares in this one. I’m grateful Ellen is joining us here and here’s to more to come from the two of us.   SHOWNOTES How did Jayson and Ellen first meet? [9:07] What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [14:30] What had Ellen ask Jayson out? [15:05] Shitty advice Jayson got from a therapist and an astrologer. [18:45] How did Jayson overcome his “grass is always greener” pattern? [24:40] One of Jayson’s best accomplishments of his life. [28:00] The simple yet powerful distinction that Ellen did that allowed Jayson to choose to commit. [30:15] How do you know if your partner is “The One”? [33:45] A huge thing that must happen before you should even consider marriage. [35:00] Jayson’s challenge to the listener, both for those in a relationship and single. [43:15]

In this episode, a listener asks about making your partner wrong and how to deal with them when you have very differing values. It’s a common challenge that some couples “wake up” to after being together a few years. And, it’s super tricky if you have kids and need to find common ground. SHOWNOTES The difference between making a partner wrong to avoid intimacy and doing it because of different values? [1:37] How to parent when your parenting values are different? [3:40] What you must learn about your partner before you decide to spend your life together. [5:10]

In this short episode, I cover why men are so locked up relationally and 3 steps to help a guy transform this so that, you both can have a great relationship.  SHOWNOTES What is at the core of men’s challenges in modern day. [3:20] Some of the big pain points for men in relationships. [4:45] What is the “boy code”? [5:15] How Jayson struggled in relationships. [6:30] Do men really know how to listen? [8:15] Why shouldn’t believe when your man says he’s just “in a bad mood.” [12:00] The missing step after getting good feedback. [15:05] Jayson’s challenge to the men. [17:40]

In this episode I talk with Layla Martin, a zany and wise, sex teacher who will remind you of your brilliance in the bedroom. From handjobs to female self-pleasure practices, this one is full of powerful sex practices for a couple ready to deepen their sex life.  SHOWNOTES What happened in Layla’s childhood that started her path to helping people improve their sex lives? [5:30] Layla shares the biggest struggle and opportunity she sees in couples regarding sexuality. [10:40] What do women and men each struggle the most with sexually? [12:00] A simple exercise a woman can do to improve her sexual experience?  [20:10] A simple three-part exercise to do after sex that will deepen your sexual connection [26:15] What to do when a woman has a stronger sex drive than her partner. [32:35] How to respond when a guy loses his erection? [33:15] Should a woman have sex even if she’s not wanting to? [34:05] Layla explains one practice to transform a woman’s orgasms and sex life. [36:40] Layla’s take on threesomes and polyamory. [37:15]

In this episode I give you 3 steps toward a more peaceful relationship. And, when I talk about peace in a relationship, it isn’t the BS fantasy most people think of. Check it out. SHOWNOTES Why everyone is dumb in some area of our lives. [4:00] How can we just “all get a long”?  [5:01] Your two choices when uncomfortable stuff comes up? [10:24] The number one reason people get a divorce [13:37] Powerful 3-step process to resolve dumb fights [16:00]

In this episode I talk with Alison Armstrong about some major differences between men and women and how to use them to your advantage in your relationship. While I get that the labels of masculine and feminine or man/woman can be incredibly narrow, they are very effective for teaching basic relationship principles. Notice how Alison does this with some age old “labels” to help you see where you naturally  orient and where your partner does. Also, notice when and where you feel you are at your “best” in your relationship. Check it! SHOWNOTES What caused Alison to become hungry to learn about men? [5:30] Why do woman throw their husbands under the bus? [9:50] The metaphor that helps explain why men and women see each other so differently. [12:05] What one factor determines when a man or woman will act at his or her best. [16:30] The best time to talk about a challenge in your relationship. [17:45] How being more accurate about time can help women connect better with their man. [24:05] The ideal perspective to thrive in changing life circumstances. [26:15] The missing piece that women don’t get about a partner who is on his purpose. [32:45] What is a “no-blow” date. [35:00]

In this episode I answer listeners’ questions on long-distance relationships, how to win him back, entitlement and sex, blended families, divorce, and much more. It’s a shorty but a goodie. SHOWNOTES What does an over-supportive relationship look like? [2:30] What does it mean when a man says he “needs a break” from the relationship? [4:15] How to win back a guy? [6:14] What’s the best way to break through your triggers? [7:43] How to make a 2nd or 3rd marriage work out? [9:07] What to do when your partner only feels criticized? [11:33] How to deal with a man who feels sexually entitled? [13:20] What is the viability of long-distance relationships? [15:28] Jayson’s one-question challenge to listeners [18:17]

In this juicy episode I talk with Alex Allman about men, orgasms and sex. Giving her an orgasm isn’t what you think. Alex helps us get more honest and more present with our sex lives and how crucial it is to have other men in your life to bust your balls when you need it. While this episode is for the men, if you are a woman, I know you’ll appreciate how our guest is trying to help the men dance with you in the bedroom. SHOWNOTES How Alex’s childhood impacted his view of masculinity [5:50] The two types of change [11:10] Why being beautiful and successful early on makes change harder [12:45] What happened when Alex was 39 that forever woke him up. [17:55] Why only loving your partner for their positive traits will make you disappointed. [23:30] The most important thing for a man to get that is so simple yet so complicated. [32:15] How the “doting husband” can be sexually repulsive. [34:15] What to do when you have erection troubles in the bedroom. [43:00]

Love. This word is one of the most commonly misunderstood words in the English language. In this podcast I give my definition of what true love really is. Here I cover the 3 stages of love in a relationship. Before age 30, I never got past stage 1. I think by looking at your own experience you too, will see that it’s time to update your definition of love.  SHOWNOTES The difference between love and infatuation. [3:30] The truth about love songs on the radio. [5:45] What are the three stages of love? [6:37] The huge gifts and power in a long-term relationship. [10:50] Two action steps to get started today [12:40]  

Here I cover 2 types of boundaries. Both are important to learn and practice on a regular basis in your relationship. I also build upon last week’s episode (with Lisa Dion jaysongaddis.com/podcast40). Boundaries separate the classic co-dependent couple from the the smart couple and believe it or not, generate a more fulfilling type of closeness. SHOWNOTES The childhood dynamic that affects our relationships today. [3:27] One powerful reality-check question to ask yourself. [5:34] An example of when betraying yourself hurts both you and the relationship. [7:45] The two types of boundaries [11:05] How boundaries help weed out people in your life that aren’t a fit for the real you. [12:30]

Boundaries are by far one of the most important tools in intimate relationships. How much do you struggle to say no says a lot about how much you value yourself. You must get boundaries if you want to go the distance in a relationship. SHOWNOTES The huge breakthrough insight about boundaries that Lisa shared with Jayson [5:13] The four things our brain is always scanning for to determine there is a threat or challenge [7:24] What is Lisa’s definition of a boundary? [13:20] Jayson and Lisa demonstrate how to set a boundary [16:33] The big fear we all carry in ourselves [20:05] The weakness many of us have in receiving a boundary request [22:02] What are the most common feedback signs our body tells us? [25:50] The three types of boundaries [30:56] Jayson issues a boundary challenge [43:04]

Is love earned or given to you? In this podcast, I explore what happens when people say “Can’t you just love me as I am?” and then hope for a great relationship. And I also talk about the best practice to do every day if you want a thriving relationship that works, not just one you stumble through.  

In this podcast, I interview Decker Cunov, a leader who has deeply impacted how I show up personally and professionally. For over 10 years, he's been one of the pioneers in a fast-growing transformational practice known as "Circling." As usual Decker packs a punch in his own funky style. Pay special attention to our dynamic near the end. SHOWNOTES Why does Decker care about relationships so much? [4:17] What was it like growing up as a sensitive kid. [7:15] What IS “circling”? [11:36] How circling is and isn’t like meditation. [15:05] Why does circling matter in relationships. [15:58] A quick way to play “intersubjective tennis” with your partner. [31:34] Decker breaks down the steps of circling. [23:35] What’s it like to “feel another person” in circling. [29:32] Some of the traps of circling. [33:15] Decker starts circling Jayson [43:36] Jayson’s big aha from circling [50:10] What Decker’s son said that blew him away [52:33] The one thing that Decker said that personally impacted Jayson [57:01]

In this podcast, I interview Satyen and Suzanne, both long-time students of David Deida. These two are super honest, loving individuals, and wow have they been through a lot! There share some very vulnerable details about how they navigated religion, affairs, and fighting. They give you concrete practical tools you can try right now with your partner. These guys live it! SHOWNOTES How did Satyen and Suzanne start caring about relationships? [3:07] Why did Satyen resist marriage? [5:40] What ingredient was the “it” factor for Suzanne’s attraction to Satyen? [6:24] What role did religion play in their relationship? [9:22] How did fighting about food bring them closer? [10:56] What impact did David Deida have on their connection? [13:08] How did they create a new template for their relationship? [14:46] The most challenging period of their relationship [16:42] One really important practice to heal from infidelity [19:54] Satyen and Suzanne demonstrate a powerful tool to express emotional pain to your partner [22:28] The often-missed key to understanding your partner [28:43] What is PCP and ISE and how do they create connection and turn-on? [30:50]

In this one, we answer your question, is polyamory for me? In this eye-opening episode, I interview six people who practice some form of polyamory and open relationships. They share their raw and realistic perspectives on both the potential benefits and challenges of choosing polyamorous relationships. They also help explain the numerous terms that can be confusing for a polyamory beginner. And be sure to listen to the very end where I reveal a big aha on what monogamists can learn from polyamorists! SHOWNOTES What is the difference between poly, open and swinging? [10:25] Why would anyone want to become polyamorous? [15:25] What is the same fear that shows up in both polyamorous and monogamous relationships? [25:45] What is a “second base party? [26:20] Does a primary partner always have to feel like they’re in first place? [28:20] How do you navigate polyamory and parenting? [29:16] What is “veto power” in a polyamorous relationship? [30:35] The pitfalls to avoid and keys to remember when starting out in polyamory? [32:34] The difference between a “primary” and a secondary”? [38:20] What is the personal growth opportunity in both polyamory and monogamy? [47:30] Why compersion is necessary in polyamory [53:40] What happens when you slow things down [58:40] How a Q-TIP can help you [60:20] Jayson’s big aha about polyamory [1:05:20]

In this fun and enlightening episode, I interview Gaby and Raj, two powerful relationship coaches and teachers with a unique perspective on marriage, conflict and personal growth. They are committed to spreading one message—if you are struggling to have a sense of play, peace or passion in your relationship, it’s not your fault (relationships can be seriously challenging!). And they share how resolving conflict doesn’t have to be so serious or significant. I love how artfully they weave lightness, humor and play into their work with couples. SHOWNOTES What did one guest say at their engagement party that gave them a reality check? [4:50] How did Gaby and Raj get into relationship work? [5:36] One key distinction on how to view struggles in a relationship [8:15] The two things that define a fight [10:10] Three words that can transform a fight in an instant [13:35] Introverted man and extroverted woman [16:50] How to reframe the things you don’t like about your partner [20:03] Why we attract our opposite in a partner [24:16] Does the behavior define the person? [24:55] What role does community play in a marriage? [25:15] What to say to each other before each meal. [34:28] Different versions of fights [38:40]  

If you are in a long-term relationship, you’re going get triggered, period. And how you show up in those moments will define whether you grow together or grow apart. In this episode, we dive into an effective process for navigating upset when you’re triggered and how to rock it so you honor yourself and your partner.  SHOWNOTES: What does it mean to be triggered? [1:50] Are you normal if you get triggered by your partner? [3:40] Better questions to ask when you’re triggered. [6:15] What to do when you’re triggered [6:55] The 4 step process for getting centered after a trigger [10:10] The best way to share with your partner after you’ve calmed down [16:40] Why you shouldn’t focus on getting them to change their behavior. [19:44] Review [21:07]

This week, I bring onto the podcast a long-time friend and relationship wizard Joshua Levin, to help me outline a potent relationship tool: sharing impact.  Like many relationship tools, sharing impact is a simple, yet difficult tool to use in relationship. WTF is sharing impact and how can it help you dramatically decrease drama in your relationship? Find out by listening in. This is the first episode in a series on “relationship tools.” This is a new format I’m trying out, so make sure to leave your comments and feedback below. Does this serve you? Do you want more episodes like this? Let me know! SHOWNOTES: Why does Joshua care about relationships? [5:40] Why do we need a tool like “sharing impact” in a long-term partnership? [9:00] What is “sharing impact”? [11:10] By contrast, what do many people do instead of sharing impact? [15:15] Josh shares a personal example of sharing impact [21:05] Jayson and Joshua trade impact back and forth [25:00] What happens after we share impact? [28:00] Josh encourages us to start with ______ [30:00] The difference between expression and communication [35:00]

In this lively episode, Bryan Franklin and Jennifer Russell lay bare the inner-workings of their extraordinary relationship. And it truly is extraordinary! Bryan and Jennifer share how they came together and worked to build their relationship from the ground up. We get into specifics and details that I think you will find extremely helpful and enlightening here. Bryan and Jennifer also tease us with a few of their “extraordinary-relationship principles”, the rock-solid foundations of their partnership. If you resonate with the idea of relationship designed to optimize the evolution of each individual, then you will love this episode. Make sure to leave a comment below and let us know your thoughts! SHOWNOTES: Bryan shares a vulnerable realization from his first marriage [4:30] Jennifer shares her own early relationship struggles [8:00] A powerful wedding vow [10:30] Guys: don’t view your partners as “roadies” [12:15] How does Jennifer define intimacy? [15:30] A founding principle of an “extraordinary relationship” [20:30] Another extraordinary-relationship principle in action [24:00] What Brian and Jennifer do to better their future selves in relationship [31:00] The process Bryan and Jennifer use when they are triggered in conflict [33:45] The 3rd extraordinary-relationship principle – being called into your greatness [37:00] Re-framing your partner’s complaints – “All of your fights are the source of your own _______” [44:00] One last extraordinary-relationship principle – (it’s a good one) [47:00]

If you are the one who chose to get a divorce, or you are thinking about a divorce, than this podcast episode is for you. Divorce is often stigmatized in our culture as bad, wrong, a failure, you name it. But is it really? Isn’t it okay to throw in the towel sometimes? My answer is in this episode, where I talk about 2 reasons why divorce might be, or might have been, a valid decision for you. But be prepared because I also challenge you. Notice if you get defensive and if so, leave a comment below.

Do you know how to listen to an emotional woman? Yikes! This one’s for the men out there (and yes, some women are not great listeners as well, I get that). If you’re anything like me you know it can be hard to listen to your woman. It’s probably in your best interest to sharpen your listening skills in a way that opens her up and softens her.  How do you do that? In 3 simple steps, which I outline in the podcast.  I talk about what it means to FRACK your woman, and why you want to avoid it.  Also I share 3 words to tell your woman so that she feels validated.  Finally, I bring in a great rule of thumb I share with my wife when it comes to listening and understanding her. You’ll want to hear this one, as it was a game-changer for our whole relationship.  Make sure to leave a comment or any questions you have below!

This episode was a lot of fun.  Former dedicated David Deida student Adam Gilad brings some excellent advice during this dialogue. We cover fatherhood, dating, marriage, and why Adam couldn’t do relationship early on and what he “figured out” along the way. He also shares his most recent wedding vows and so much more. I think you’re in for a treat here.  SHOWNOTES: What lead Adam to teach about relationship? [3:55] A personal share from Jayson: re-writing marriage vows [12:30] The #1 thing that made Adam ready for deep relationship [13:40] Adam shares his “one vow to rule them all” [15:55] Reframe: the idea of marriage as “hard work” [18:10] Playing the infinite game of love [25:10] Why do people hold back on asking for what they need/want in relationship? [25:10] The difference between finding and inspiring love [29:25] The 3 ways to inspire love  [33:20] Adam’s answer to inspired marriages [43:15] Adam brings a vulnerable share [44:55] Jayson and Adam swap stories of being a father [47:40]

In this 2nd installment of AMAR (Ask Me Anything about Relationships) I dive into your burning questions and it gets a little intense in there! Thanks for bringing it everyone! SHOWNOTES: There’s a lot of great questions in here including: How to relate to someone who’s depressed [5:30] How to find a great marriage counselor [17:45] How to get over years of resentments [26:35] What to do if someone is passive aggressive with you [34:25] And more!

This is a pretty charged issue. On the one hand, some people really believe divorce is one of the major culprits to kid’s problems. On the other hand, newer research suggests that kids are fine coming from divorced families, and in fact may even be more resilient and capable of handling life’s challenges. If you really think divorce is going to mess up your kids, think again…Listen in, then weigh in with a comment below. SHOWNOTES: The erroneous assumption that comes along with divorce statistics [3:00] What is the real issue here? [8:10] The problem with divorce/marriage research [11:45] What I suggest you do if you are in a dead marriage [15:15] Relationship tools to use if you want to avoid divorce [17:20]

Co-dependency gets a bad rap in most circles. I used to shame it as well. Yet, as I’ve matured, I’ve come to see that there is a lot of value to be found in co-dependency, yet it’s important to know the difference between the more neurotic kind and the wisdom kind. In this episode I go into what co-dependency is, where it comes from, and how we can relate to it with grace and honesty in our long-term relationships. SHOWNOTES: How does Jayson define co-dependency? [1:30] Our two fundamental drives as human beings [3:40] The dance of authentic co-dependency [12:00] What’s cool about the drive to be authentic… [17:00]

“I love you, but I’m not in love with you…”  Maybe you’ve heard this one before, or even said it yourself to someone you were breaking up with? I know I have in past relationships. If you’ve used this statement, or been on the receiving end of it, you need to listen to this podcast. There’s much more to the story. Find out by listening in… SHOWNOTES: A common statement in relationship, but the real meaning behind it [1:50] A more honest statement to use instead [5:15] What is supposed to happen in a real relationship? [11:30] What happens when we don’t learn how to love [13:45]    

This episode was a lot of fun. Terry Real brings the heat for women and men using what he calls “fierce intimacy.” While this episode is for both men and women, it is largely geared toward women who are with a guy who’s not fully on board. He has some great advice for women, while at the same time challenges men to develop their relationship skills. I know you’ll dig this one. SHOWNOTES: Beginning of interview [4:30] Terry shares how he came to be interested in relationship work [5:00] What is “fierce intimacy”? [7:20] The difference between a good man and a great man [12:30] Advice for young millennial men [15:00] What Terry says to women who are frustrated with their men [19:30] A lot of men who wont do the work for themselves or for the marriage, will get it and rise to the occasion for the sake of… [23:00] 3 key steps for women to work with their shutdown men (this is very good) [26:00] Should women reward their man’s effort with sex? [32:45] The design flaw in the way most therapists do therapy [40:10] Parting comments [50:15]

If you’ve ever skied, surfed, or gone outdoor climbing, there’s a good chance you’ve experienced that elusive peak state of awareness referred to as “flow”. Time slows, thoughts disappear, your sense of self seems to merge with the present moment, and everything just…flows! The flow state brings high levels of creativity, learning and connection…all things that we want in our relationships. In this episode, I bring on flow expert Jamie Wheal to dig into an important question: How can we bring this peak state into our long-term partnerships? We also hear deeply personal, wisdom-packed stories from Jamie on the evolution of his partnership.  You’re going to enjoy this one. SHOWNOTES: Start of interview [0:40] What is the Flow Genome Project? [1:30] What’s the distinction between dopamine rushes, drug highs, and “flow”? [3:50] Is there a bridge between peak flow states and monogamous relationships? [7:20] What happens when sex is made into a dedicated practice, similar to exercise or flossing? [12:50] “Erotic Tonglen” [16:50] Shares from Jamie’s personal life [22:50] What happened to the sexual chemistry when Jamie had kids? [28:05] Is the bedroom a place of withholding or safety? [29:05] The unconscious bargain that Jamie started his marriage with, and had to drop to save the relationship [31:20] What Jamie learned about his relationship at Burning Man [33:00] False notions about enlightenment and soulmates [40:30] Parting Words from Jamie [43:40] There are 3 key components of Flow: 1. Rich Environments 2. Deep Embodiment 3. High Consequence  

In this episode, I’m joined by a panel of courageous men: Booster Blake, Jeffrey Platts, Adrial Dale, and Christopher Sunyata.  These men have all done work on themselves, and so are able to get honest and talk openly about their sexuality, their victories and challenges with intimacy, with relationship, and with their bodies in the bedroom.  I think you’ll appreciate the transparency of these men. SHOWNOTES: How has porn negatively or positively affected your sex life? [29:45] If you played with other boys when you were young, did you ever have any doubts that you were gay because you enjoyed it? [27:05] Did you ever have a sexual experience with a boy? [24:00] When did you first learn to masturbate, and what was it like? [17:30] The men briefly describe their relationships to their cock [13:00] Christopher introduces himself [10:10] Booster Blake introduces himself [8:45] Jeffrey introduces himself [7:35] Adrial introduces himself [6:50] Beginning of interview [6:45] Where do these men draw the line when it comes to fantasizing about other women? [37:30] What’s a victory, or celebratory moment, you’ve had with your cock? [42:00] What are your thoughts on working to transcend pornography?  [48:00] A listening woman asks: What is the best segue to bring up sexual topics when there is shame around the topic? [52:45] What kind of shame have men experienced that have been put on their cocks or their sexuality by women? [58:30] If the woman asks for something different in the bedroom, does a man take this personally and feel like he is not a good enough lover? [1:05:30] Final comments [1:12:45]

Most of the time, when we fight with a partner, we “bicker” or go in circles because we are missing what the fight is really about.  In this episode we examine the 3 things people fight about most.  It will be essential to listen to this so you know what the deeper layer of your fights are really about.  Why does this matter?  So you can get to the real issue and resolve it. SHOWNOTES: The 3 types of fights [6:40] Type 1: Security fight – “I don’t feel safe” [7:40] Type 2: Past resentments – Stuff you’ve never dealt with. [11:00] Type 3: Dealing with small, everyday stuff [14:00] Fight, Flight, Freeze – The 3 styles of dealing with conflict [24:40]

I really enjoyed this conversation with Zen teacher Diane Hamilton. She brings such a genuine willingness to move toward what’s uncomfortable in our relationships. We explore why she left the mormon church and how she got into zen practice. We also take a good look at parenting, marriage, and why it’s so paramount to be able to take our partner’s point of view. I know you’ll appreciate this dialogue. SHOWNOTES: A special guest kicks off the podcast [0:10] Beginning of the interview [5:20] Diane shares the arc of her life up to this point [6:00] Diane’s “genius zone”: Meditation and Mediation [10:00] Skill with conflict = comfort with difference [16:00] Diane shares about the relationship dynamic with her husband [19:30] Diane defines conflict: “Extreme difference that is fueled by emotion, and is very disruptive to the system” [21:00] Why is conflict “good news”? [22:10] The 3 styles of conflict [24:15] Avoidance Accommodation Aggression How Diane uses meditation to work with conflict [29:00] Diane demos mindfulness meditation [32:50] The yogic practice of hearing perspectives we don’t agree with [39:00] Bringing Zen and Integral into conflict [45:40]

In this episode I unpack 3 really important steps to removing the drama from your relationships. Drama can be a time suck, an energy drain, and can hurt your relationship even more. So, check this short episode out and notice if you are perpetuating drama, or doing your best to end it. SHOWNOTES: What does Jayson mean when he says drama? [2:00] 3 main ingredients to ending the drama [4:40] 1. Reframe it and see it as an opportunity rather than a problem [5:50] 2. Say NO to drama, by saying YES to conflict [7:00] 3. Learn the art and wisdom of understanding each other [13:50] What does it mean to validate someone else’s experience? [17:00]

Bruce was one of THE pivotal factors in helping me marry my wife before she slammed the door shut on me. Hear that story in this episode and why it’s so common for couples to struggle. Bruce offers a powerful frame for relationship and intimacy and makes the distinction between the developmental work we need to do, and the possibility that we are “already free” in relationship. Check it. SHOWNOTES: How Jayson met Bruce [1:15] “I give [Bruce] credit for saving my marriage” – Jayson [2:30] Start of interview [3:50] How does ambivalence factor into a long-term relationship? [6:15] The interplay of the basic energies of separation and connection [8:30] Intimacy vs. Closeness [12:30] Bruce’s core philosophy [15:30] Relationship is like riding a bicycle…it’s all about balance [17:15] A good first step for couples stuck in an adversarial relationship – The practice of personal responsibility  [21:31] Why it’s important to let go of claiming that your partner is the cause of your difficult emotions [23:50] Bruce shares about his marriage [26:00] Bruce shares his story of becoming a therapist [31:00] What is a “successful relationship”? [38:00] Bruce shares how parenting has impacted his relationships and his life [42:15] Having kids is a real good practice in how willing are we to let another person just be who they are. [45:40] Sexual intimacy in a long-term relationship [45:50] Approaching sexuality as a disciplined practice [50:30] Bruce talks about personal responsibility [54:40] Bruce shares about his new book Already Free – [1:00:00]

I got a serious education in this interview with Christiane and Ren. I can get so focused on men’s issues that I lose sight of what’s occurring for women. So, needless to say, this episode was very helpful. Since I have a daughter, I’m particularly interested in how to raise her in a “good” way around her own sexuality. Sure, my wife’s got so much of that covered, but as her Dad, I’m eager to support her unfolding in the most beautiful way possible. So, thanks to these two women and the women who were brave enough to ask some tough questions of themselves and their sexuality. I’m learning and I’m grateful. SHOWNOTES: What lead Christiane into teaching sexuality [8:20] How Ren became a sexual educator – [9:30] What it was like for Ren to grow up in a household that was shame-free around sex – [10:30] Common sexual initiations for girls – [12:30] Sexual co-exploring between children; when is it ok? – [14:20] Why it’s important for parents to do their own work around sex – [17:20] Common roadblocks for a girl growing into her sexuality – [18:50] Sexual pain-points for women in long-term relationship [21:40] What is Erotic Intelligence? [24:40] Going into sexual wounds to heal them – [27:30] How men try to please women in the bedroom – [36:15] An example of a cop-out in the bedroom [39:55] What blocks us from knowing what we want in the bedroom- [44:25] Simple practices for women to move toward sovereignty – [50:55] The female orgasm – [58:50] Parting comments – [1:04:55] Q&A Section – [1:07:50] How do I heal the rift between my heart and my sex? What is the biggest obstacle for women to experience orgasm? How do I connect healthily to my sexuality in the midst of a busy life-style? And many more heartfelt questions

This is another great podcast, and our first one around sexuality, especially as it pertains to men (women’s sexuality coming in the next episode). David and I explore my own challenges and triumphs and what’s going on in the male mind when it comes to getting stuck around “performing” in the bedroom. You’ll dig it. SHOWNOTES: Intro to David Cates [1:16] Start of the interview [4:00] How Jayson reached out to David when he was struggling sexually [5:25] Men stuck in the “performance game” [8:05] Your Cock is a Barometer. Learn to trust it [9:04] What performance-based sex looks like  [14:45] A hallmark of fully mature sex [16:00] Where to start developing a mature sex life [18:58] Sexual pain is just a signal for attention [21:00] When porn becomes a problem [24:00] What to do when given the advice “just have sex” [27:55] Partner Intimacy Practice 31:30] How to do your deep breathing in the practice [38:33] How to touch each other in the practice [40:00] What about performance anxiety for women? [42:56] Finding the right pace – and getting unstuck from your habits [46:34] Rediscovering your heart in your sex life [49:00] Giving yourself permission to be who you are in the bedroom [54:00] The one thing a listener could take from David Cates [56:20]

Can plant medicine such as Ayahuasca help our marriages? In this episode I interview two very experienced guests who have both done over 500 ceremonies with this sacred medicine. We dive deep into this question, highlighting Ayahuasca’s strengths as a healing modality and where this medicine may fall short when it comes to interpersonal relationships. SHOWNOTES: Jayson’s early Ayahuasca experiences [2:30] Intro to Geoff Hanzlik [4:50] Intro to Richard Furr [5:45] Beginning of interview [6:50] Geoff shares how early depression lead him to Ayahuasca [8:40] Richard shares how he entered the Ayahuasca path [11:35] What exactly is Ayahuasca? [14:20] Potential dangers and downsides of Ayahuasca [17:35] Can this medicine “make you more sensitive”? [22:45] Is group processing needed before and after ceremonies?  [25:00] Bringing therapy into the conversation [26:00] The greatest thing the medicine taught Jayson [28:50] Does Ayahuasca help with our intimate relationships? [30:55] How would one use Ayahuasca to help their relationship life? [39:30] Richard helps those struggling to integrate their Ayahuasca experience [44:15] Inner depth healing vs. developing relational skills – [48:00] Ayahuasca is not a ‘quick fix’ [51:10] “This isn’t a ‘dabblers’ path” [54:50] Richard shares the dangers of pushing Ayahuasca on others [1:00:00] How are relational dynamics addressed in spiritual communities? [1:05:00]

In this episode Jayson fields a bunch of great questions from listeners like you. Here are a few of the edited questions: Do you work with people who are actively having an affair and want to continue it? How do I deal with a partner who refuses to do the work? What do I do when I fall out of love with my partner? How can I feel sexually empowered in a relationship when my partner lacks both the desire to have sex and the desire to talk about it? How do I deal with the loss of my partner? How do I tell someone what I need in a way that doesn’t shame them or make them wrong? How do I work through conflict when my partner is stuck in denial?

Can MDMA help our relationships if we do this in a legit way? I explore this question with Dr Vanderveer and we zero in on some key factors if you want to improve your marriage or relationship life using medicine such as MDMA. SHOWNOTES  Jayson shares his own experiences with MDMA – [1:50] The Low-Down on MDMA trials [4:55] Who is MDMA for? [6:20] What a MDMA-assisted psychotherapy session looks like [8:28] “There’s something really warm and cozy about that” [10:50] Why use MDMA? -Tapping into shared humanity. [13:22] Why does traditional therapy often fall short? [14:45] The importance of integration and structured therapy with MDMA [18:55] Jayson’s MDMA use in college [20:40] Learning to use MDMA safely [24:00] The “Quality”Problems that MDMA-assisted-therapy brings [35:55] Jayson’s experience of a facilitated MDMA session [38:05] Integrating these experiences into your relationships [40:30] “The context is everything” [44:15] State-Changes vs Trait-Changes [45:30] The future of MDMA-assisted psychotherapy [53:10]

Man is this guy a force! I dive into a vibrant conversation with integral-psychotherapist and writer Dr. Keith Witt.  Topics range from growth, depression, working with shadow, evolutionary drivers, marriage, parenting and much more.  Bring a notepad for this one! And, get the rewind button ready… SHOWNOTES: Everything is relationships [2:33] Rediscovering monogamy [4:20] How to “make it” in long term relationship [5:05] Getting aligned in your growth [6:15] Causes and cures of depression [8:40] Different kinds of shadow [9:55] The two characteristics of humans in relationships [12:43] Understanding our kids’ motivations [16:45] The  Three Evolutionary  ‘drivers’ in relationship (and pitfalls) [18;09] Integral Mindfulness in relationships. [22:54] Relationships and Kids – and tackling the challenges of it [26:13] The transition to middle age [28:37] What Keith Witt does in his relationships – “Romantic Fridays”  [30:24] The ‘evolution’ of our empathy [36:30] The necessity of shame [39:30] Secure attachment explained [47:15] Developing mindfulness – learn to self observe [53:37] Final Advice from Keith Witt [01:01:30]

People don’t trust you when you are misaligned. You say you’re “fine” but really you feel angry. Or you say “I love you” but your body language is saying something different. This causes people to pull back from you. The more congruent someone is the more trustworthy they are. We get really pissed when our partner is out of alignment. In fact, we even resent them over time. But that is often a reflection of our own misalignment. In This episode you will learn: Dealing with the ‘I’m Fine’ moment – Unlearning incongruency [1:33] Alignment in your marriage and work [6:00] Being ‘on the path’ to alignment [9:10] Tool: Sharing the Impact of non-alignment [10:07]  

This episode is key for millennials who are about to get married. Too many people skip this conversation prior to marriage. IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn: How to tell the difference between honesty and reckless honesty. The three criteria of honest communication How to offer honesty without being critical. One question to ask before saying anything ‘honest’  How honest communication without shaming can move your relationship forward Learning to receive feedback well The 4 conversations every unmarried couple needs to have (16:45) How to create space for honest feedback Dealing with arguments and conflict in an effective way Knowing when and when not to seek professional help How to have the ‘money’ conversation, especially for young people Keeping things fresh and alive for the long-term The importance of being friends with other couples

Affairs are so intense. When I was 20 or so I cheated on my girlfriend. When I was 32 or so I had an emotional affair. In this episode I share more about what I learned about myself during those and then I discuss why so many affairs happen and what you can do about it. IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn: how to deal with tears and anger in the fire of an affair how to move past an affair with the learning and insight how to move from an affair onto a path of personal development and growth how to see yourself differently in what may lead to an affair how to recognize the “victim” mentality and re-empower yourself how fear plays a crucial role in causing an affair why coming back into your heart is essential to preventing an affair about effective methods for dealing with affairs

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn: To see your partner as a sacred mirror and sanctuary for the growing your greatest actualized self The true characteristics of a long-term partnership How your partnership is the optimal container for complete transformation of yourself into the highest possible version imaginable How to fall in love and why this is more important than being married How to take radical responsibility for being loved in every moment of your life How to actually get your needs/wants met in a partnership How to know if conflict in your relationship is driving you toward or away from more magnificence There’s a ton in this episode so dive in and go slow. You will also want to check out Annie’s blog post “Should I stay or Should I Go?” And, Here’s a great question from Annie to ask yourself if you are trying to decide to stay or leave: Is the person I’m being called to become by what my partner’s asking me to become (if you take on the growth-development framework), will you become a more extraordinary version of yourself? If who they are asking you to become is a constricted, small, tight version of you, then this is probably not the person you want to be with. However, if you identify as the smaller version of you, then, you are going to hear your partner’s feedback as criticism and blame and might make them wrong in the process. So, pay attention to these finer points.    

IN THIS EPISODE, You will learn: The importance of recognizing conditioning and seeing its role in shaping a more mature relationship Why knowing your past experiences and stories can re-empower your relationships How to differentiate between healthy shame and unhealthy shame and how they play a crucial role in functional marriages How recognizing stages of an evolving relationship can help you better connect with your partner How to get to being centered and truly connected with your partner without sacrificing independence About the key importance of vulnerability in a marriage About the heart of really deep and truly fulfilling sex And check out these four stages of relationship. We explore these in the episode. 1. Me-centered 2. We-centered codependent 3. We-centered co-independent 4. Being-centered I had a lot of fun with this one. These two “get” long term relationship and what’s required to go the distance. They also know a great deal about shame, blame, and how to get over it by going to the next stage in your relationship. Robert also supports the power of men facing their own BS and his new book “To Be A Man” is going to be worth the read for the men out there. Note, our call got “dropped” by skype at one point so you’ll notice the sound quality change a bit. Just a heads up. 

IN THIS EPISODE, you will learn: how to keep a marriage alert, alive, and awake about the interplay of sex and emotional intimacy in a partnership creating simple positive changes in relationship through sex challenges how regular sex and strong physical connection benefit partnership how an “intimacy lifestyle” can create deeper connection what technique of initiation works best for your relationship how to regain the desire and dream conversation in a marriage how to recreate a habit of getting real with your partner