The Jayson Gaddis Podcast

Is it okay to go outside the marriage to get your sexual needs met? While this may seem like a straightforward answer, it's amazing to me how many folks ask this question who are having affairs. When is this okay and when is it not okay? Listen in for my opinions on the matter. Question: I’m finally reading Mating in Captivity and it appears that I have a successful life partnership with my husband who I love deeply and care about, but enjoy a better sexual match with another man. The other man is not gender specific in our intimacy, which I am happy with, and is very emotionally available, whereas my husband is not.  I’m feeling unhappy about the infidelity (sounds better than ‘cheating’) that the affair causes, but at the same time, don’t want it to end or my marriage to finish.  As selfish as this is, I’m ok with it.  What does it mean when we go outside the cultural confines to get our non-negotiable needs met? Are you justifying an affair with bullshit? [4:00] The definition of a successful life partnership [6:00] Learning to be our neurotic, weird, true selves in relationship [9:00] If you’re not getting your sexual needs met, here’s what to do [11:00]

Stan Tatkin returns and serves up another awesome dose of relationship advice through the lens of adult attachment. From how relationships impact your health, to helping your triggered or upset partner, to dealing with an avoidant partner, we cover a lot of ground as Stan answers 8 or so questions from you, the listener. This one is full of helpful tips to improve and enhance your connection over time. Why is the country feeling so much anxiety? [1:00] The effect that your ‘allostatic load’ has on your life [3:00] What chronic relationship stress can do to your health [5:00] How to not take things personally [8:00] Learning to ‘lead with relief’ to create a safer space for each other [12:00] A great way to handle your partner getting triggered [14:00] Why Carl Jung didn’t like taking patients under 35 [18:00] A rough guide to dealing with avoidant-types/islands [21:00] Should you force your teenager to make eye contact with you? [35:00] The power of ‘jointly attending’ with a resistant partner [37:00] ‘Parallel play’ and its hidden dangers [39:00] How to free up resources for higher development[42:00]

Question: Once someone cheats on you should you walk away completely and let go, or do you think going through something like this could strengthen a relationship and create a deeper bond? Not sure where to draw the boundaries.  When I found out about the cheating, I spent 3 hours trying to understand why. Am I being too understanding? I’d like to know what your thoughts are when it comes to getting back together with someone that cheated on you.  Any advice?  Spending $20 Billion on 'love' [3:00] What happens when it's high stakes and you're married with kids? [8:00] The surprising benefits to being cheated-on [9:00] How to re-establish trust after a boundary breach [12:00] Finding the opportunity in the crisis [14:00]  

UPDATE: CONTEST WINNERS ANNOUNCED! What can you learn from divorced people and people who are married for a decade or two? What are the main differences? There are two and we cover them in this episode with author Mark Manson. We also explore how Mark navigated a big challenge with his now wife and why self-improvement and self-awareness are so essential to long-term partnership. SHOWNOTES Contest winners announced [1:00] The fundamental issues people have in relationships [9:00] Why we need to communicate without blame [13:00] How to avoid ‘enmeshment’ and maintain a strong, independent identity [14:00] Three questions to ask to dig deeper into your emotional states [21:00] The HUGE difference between divorced people and happily married people [23:25] What do all long-term (20+ years) happily married people have in common? [24:00] One keystone value for a rock-solid, long-term marriage [27:00] What needs to be added to our schooling to prepare us for the real world [29:00] The ‘Self Awareness Onion’  [33:00] Three layers of self-awareness [34:00]

SHOWNOTES Question: I’d love to hear more about the possible distinction between standing in one’s own needs and then the problematic zone of asking or expecting a partner to change. Asking for change in certain areas seems reasonable and I use my own potential reaction to being asked to change as a measure: “Would I respond well to my partner asking me to change in this area?”But some areas seem tricky, such as Love Languages: “XYZ behaviour that is hard for you is actually what most supports me feeling loved and seen” etc.  Could you speak to this? Asking for what you need [6:00] Meeting your partner’s needs is win-win [9:00] If our primary partnership is unsafe [11:00] Knowing your partner’s needs before they ask [13:00]  

SHOWNOTES Contest announcement [5:00] How to repair a rupture [8:00] When you trigger your partner: the art of micro repairs [12:00] When ‘macro repairs’ are called for [14:00] 3 steps to the micro-repair [15:00] An example in Jayson and Ellen’s relationship [18:00] Your Action Step [26:00] CONTEST If you're not already, become a member of the Smart Couple community https://www.facebook.com/groups/749008838533400/ Record a 1 minute video on your phone. Do not go over 1 minute. For the video, include your name, where you’re from, and one practical tool or tip you learned from this podcast that helped you in your relationship life Post it in the smart couple group.  PRIZES 1st Prize. Indestructible partnerships course (30 days long) 2nd Prize. 30 minute laser coaching session with Jayson 3rd Prize. 2 free months in the Relationship School Roots Community DEADLINE: You’ll have until Saturday February 25th at Midnight Mountain Time   Winners will be announced March 1st  

Question: We’ve been together 3 months and I’ve been on a path  of self development for many years.  My new partner is very new to inner work and has not prioritized that. He’s open and he’s curious but he’s new to it all.  There’s a lot of fear there for me because I’m worries as we get to know each other his lack of self awareness and self understanding might create blocks.  I’ve let him know this but I’m not sure whether I should just walk away now and try find somebody who I feel can meet me as an equal, or just accept him as he is. What is the healthiest thing to do in this situation? Finding reasons why our partner ‘isn’t enough’. [2:00] Why it’s hard if one partner doesn’t want to grow in the relationship [4:00] If your partner is interested but slower [8:00] Question: Is it a good idea to tell a prospective partner your non-negotiable about personal development right off the bat? Laying your values on the table [12:00] We all are directing our ‘growth and development’ energy somewhere [14:00] It’s about priorities, not time. [16:00]

Do you ever use sex to avoid closeness? Do you know what happens when a man who is called the Erotic Rockstar hits a wall and falls apart? In this intimate episode, we explore these questions and hear a man's vulnerable and raw answers. You'd be surprised at some of what he has to share. There are some nuggets in this very edgy episode. From politics to porn, we cover a lot of ground. Listen to my guest Destin Gerek share his very personal story of overcoming his ego, feeling his emotions and heart, and then sharing what he's learned (and learning) with other men. SHOWNOTES The most important role men can take to help women flourish [26:00] Why women are usually more emotionally accessible than men [31:00] Getting support from other men [33:00] Knowing when the answer is to ‘leave’ [35:00] How to speak so he’ll listen (and hear your hurt) [38:00] The dangers of ‘programming’ yourself with porn [40:00] Noticing the positive and negative effects of porn use [43:00] Why you should remove the word ‘performance’ from your vocabulary [46:00] For men: how to immediately get more present during sex [48:00]  

If one of you wants marriage and the other doesn't, there will be problems. You both need to get crystal clear and determine how "negotiable" this is. Listen to the podcast for more detailed info on what you can do about this common dilemma SHOWNOTES What if your partner won’t work on it with you? [1:00] Question 1: My boyfriend and I have been dating 2+ years and have been unable to move forward and feel secure in our relationship because I believe in marriage and he does not.  That said, he does believe in committed monogamous partnership, just not the ‘institution’.I love and want to be with him, but it feels like we’ll forever be in this eternal impasse.  Any suggestions on how to get over this hurdle, or is it simply time to move on? The institution of marriage [3:00] What are you really scared of? [6:00] Question 2: My boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. We both have lost a spouse and have 5 kids between us.  A year ago we got engaged and were living together for 5 months.  He became overwhelmed with the demands of a large, blended family and left taking his two children with him. After therapy and 9 painful months of hurting one another, we’re giving it an earnest try and restarting the relationship. What is lacking for me is commitment. We are no longer engaged and have no plans to live together.I took one of your courses and understand my part - I understand that the relationship has to meet my needs or I need to leave. He’s not willing to commit to me through marriage and will only live in two houses as the blended family is too hard of a situation with him.Is it true that the only way this relationship can survive is if he moves forward towards meeting my needs of commitment and living together at least part of the time? Your ‘Non-Negotiable Needs’ [9:00] Your Action Step [12:00]

If you are a woman who feels shut down in your body or genitals, this conversation is for you. My guest Olivia Bryant helps you understand your cervix and what to do to begin the healing journey. I learned a lot here and am reminded how jammed up we are as a culture sexually. There's so much wounding, trauma, and pain around our sex lives and our guest will help you address one potential area of your sex life that needs attention and healing. SHOWNOTES Learning how we shut down to learn how to open up [8:00] Olivia’s Story of ‘de-armoring’ herself [9:00] Understanding our ‘armoring’ and de-armoring process [11:00] Un-learning bad habits from porn [14:00] How the cervix becomes numb from the wrong kinds of sexual contact [15:00] Things couple can do together to have deeper, better sex (without the pounding) [16:00] Understanding the types, states and experiences of orgasm [19:00] How to tap into the Orgasmic State to enhance your pleasure [21:00] Going slower for better sex [23:00] The De-Armoring Process: where to start, what to do and what to look for [25:00] What not to do when experimenting with sexual healing work [29:00] Dealing with bruised egos: how to give and receive feedback without taking it personally [30:00] Your Action Step [40:00] For more, visit jaysongaddis.com/podcast96

If you are not fighting after 4 years of being together you're asleep. Why? I'll explain in this episode. I used to be proud of the fact that I never fought in my relationships. But man, was I missing the boat... SHOWNOTES Question: “You talk about working together and communication. But is there such a thing as working TOO well together, never fighting or getting into an argument? Sometimes I would like to have some type of disagreement or argument. We’ve been together almost 4 years and we’ve not had one disagreement or argument.  He just kinda always gives me what I want. Please help. “ Why conflict is important - and the dangers of chronic conflict-avoidance [1:00] Why the older generations often ‘suck up’ their conflict, and why the mainstream is wrong about conflict [4:00] What to do if your partner is a ‘conflict avoider’ [6:00] How to use fighting as a doorway to greater understanding and connection in your relationship [7:00] What American Beauty can teach us about how not to handle conflict and tension [8:00] How to approach your partner if they’re conflict-avoidant (and how to say it well)[12:00]

Are you killing the connection with these 7 behaviors? My guest Bryan Reeves lays out some of the most common connection killers and what to do instead. There's some really good, practical advice in this episode. Dig in and enjoy   Bryan’s relationship story [7:00] The Masculine-Feminine Dance and the ‘pull-push’ cycle [11:00] Freedom vs connection in relationship [12:00] When she says ‘come closer’ and he says ‘back away (and his biggest fear in life) [14:00]   One way to handle a woman’s anger [17:00] Key Relationship Skill: Connection before correction [19:00] The danger of ‘data-gathering,’ and how our partners feel invalidated by it [22:00] Why ‘mansplaining’ doesn’t bring you closer together [24:00] How one-upping your partner’s problems can lead to toxic arguments [25:00] A simple, impactful two-step principle for better connection and less friction [30:00]

Here’s a good question from a listener. Essentially it’s about physical attractiveness and size. Check it out: Question: I’m newly interested in a man after being single for 4 years, I have a 5 year old son.  My biggest issue is getting over the ‘drug-effect’ of having someone new and really discovering why we should or are together. I’m all about getting the ‘high’ and attracting guys who are physically fit and are the perfect eye candy to have on my arm.  Right now the guy I’m seeing is just the opposite and I’m having a hard time with it.   Not only that, but his package is small and the sex is not good at all. In fact, he has not been able to even be turned on by me enough to have intercourse. That really hurt me, so we have not had sex since.  I’m looking for ways for us to strengthen our relationship after this experience and advice on how I can get past not having the physically fit man on my arm. What happens if your man has a small penis… and can’t get an erection? [8:00] We attract what we most need to learn [9:00] What matters short-term vs what matters long-term [11:00] Embracing yourself as you are [14:00] How to approach a guy in this situation [16:00] Not taking it personally [17:00]

Are you in an abusive relationship? In this episode we explore some of the hallmarks of an "abusive" relationship and what to do with any form of disrespect, neglect, or abuse. It's actually harder than you think and there's more work to do than to just "leave" the relationship. I answer loads of questions from listeners like you on abuse in your relationship life. I think there might be some confronting and helpful information in here for you. SHOWNOTES What is an abusive relationship? My definition might surprise you [9:00] How to know if you’re in an abusive adult relationship [11:00] The difference between fault and responsibility [13:00] How we heal trauma [14:00] Why ‘just leave’ is often the wrong advice [17:00] What to do if your physical safety is threatened [22:00] The definition of ‘gaslighting’ [24:00] Name calling [31:00] Discover your criteria for abuse [34:00] The I, You and We of thriving partnerships [36:00] On mutually abusive relationships [44:00] Dealing with Stonewalling [46:00] The ‘deer in headlights’ response - and how to use it to your advantage [49:00] If you’re a man in an abusive relationship [51:00] Learning the difference between real and perceived threats [56:00] Firmness vs Anger [1:04:00] Your action step [1:06:00]

I’ve been in my current relationship for 15 months. Right off the bat, we rushed into it both freshly out of our relationships. At 3 months he started ‘hardcore flirting’  in messages to facebook friends of his. He didn’t hide it, but I’m sure he didn’t expect me to see it. I found out because he disappearing act one evening and lied to me at first about where he was.  A few days later, I was shocked, he was sexually flirting with others via messenger.  I confronted him and he told me he loves me.  “It was just talk, didn’t mean anything,” that his intentions were not to follow through on any of it, I had nothing to worry about. Besides this crap, he’s great.  He’s good to me.   Do I get over my fear of him going too far at some point, losing him and just ignore the things he does privately, or do I/should I have ran the other direction as fast as I can? Finding your ‘line’ with flirting [3:00] What if my partner gets defensive when I ask them about it? [5:00] Find your truth: what works for you, what doesn’t [7:00] How to talk to your partner if you’re uncomfortable with their flirting [10:00]

Money and Relationships! Some say this is one of the top 3 reasons people get divorced. So, do the two of you feel "on the same page" with money or is it a source of tension? If you feel challenged in any way around money in your relationship life, then listen to my friend Bari Tessler breakdown 4 steps to being a more empowered team around money. Any smart couple will want to get this part of their relationship handled and this podcast will be a great start SHOWNOTES Bari’s Money Story [9:00] Combining ‘money-stories’ with your partner: avoid the pitfalls [16:00] What to do when one person in the relationship handles most of the finances [17:00] How men and women can think differently about finances -  and why it’s important to understand money your way [20:00] Have you ever been surprised by a partner’s financial problems, months (or even years) into your relationship? Here’s how to handle it [21:00] When, where and how to bring up the ‘money’ talk [23:00] Should you be saving your grocery receipts? Merging our money can be an important step in a relationship (but it’s not for everyone) [25:00] Dealing with shame around money [30:00] The risks we take by not dealing with our money [34:00] Asking for help with your finances shame-free [35:00] Doing the emotional work first [38:00] A practical tool for dealing with money day-to-day [40:00] How to have ‘money-dates’ with your partner [42:00] The four phases of money with your honey [47:00] What happens when your partner wants to buy something ‘fun and expensive’? [57:00] Getting clear on your money-map [1:01:00]  

A great 3-part question from Nathan from Oregon particularly pertaining to relationships as a young adult. He's also wanting to find mature relationships and act more mature. Check it out.  SHOWNOTES Question - Part 1: How do you navigate technology in relationships?  When is it connecting? When is it disconnecting?  As phones and technological tools are becoming more necessities, how do we use them from a place of strength? The Do’s and Don’ts of Texting and Fighting (especially if it’s serious) [3:00] How to address ‘scary’ topics face-to-face - words to use and when to say them [5:00] Question - Part 2: In an early stage of life, how do you determine what is really your authentic self and not just a reflection of external influences - anything from hormones to parents? What young people can do to discover who they are, what they want and what they value [7:00] Question - Part 3: Could you offer any advice on how to form new relationships, or your first relationships, or how to identify people you want to bring in or keep in your life? A mindset shift that all young adults need to make (some never do) before they can find their path in life and work  [10:00] How to become the kind of person who has high-quality, mature relationships [13:30]   Roots Community: JaysonGaddis.com/roots

Annie Lalla brings the heat in this amazing episode full of love and wisdom. Damn can this woman spin some distinctions and reframe so many challenges with simple, detailed examples of how we can transform our relationships into the magic we long for. I know you're going to dig this one. A must listen to probably 2 or 3 times. SHOWNOTES How to use conflict to access your shadow [10:00] Learning to use conflict and complaints to build your relational and emotional muscles [12:00] A practical tool to help you become a master of conflict in your relationship [16:00] How to handle disagreements in parenting [17:30] A specific process you can follow whenever you feel triggered after being criticized [20:00] How to effectively deliver feedback in a way that (almost) guarantees a positive reaction from your partner [22:30] A powerful breathing & thought exercise to do as soon as you're triggered [24:00] The power that pre-emptive delight can have on your emotional 'bank account' [27:15] An easy (and fun) way to heal your relationship to your parents [29:00] The concept of  'intergenerational envy' and how it can put you back in control of healing your wounds from childhood [32:00] How to give and receive feedback without destroying your relationship [36:00] For men: how to best use your tone of voice to give feedback that lands with love [37:00] The most important role a wife has in her husband's life [39:00] An elegant 'family hack' to reduce fights and resentments that you can start using tonight  [40:00] What to do if your partner doesn't want to work on your relationship with you [45:00] Annie's definition of 'True Love' [47:00] Your Action Step [58:00]

Why is emotional intensity so difficult for some guys to deal with? [1:20] Why some men can’t handle being around women (and people) who are depressed or going through intense emotional experiences.[4:15] Action step: A constructive way to think and act when we ‘don’t like’ something about our partner. [5:50]

Show Notes Charles’ relationship story. [9:50] How we know if we’re ready for marriage. [13:00] Why do you people get divorced in January? [15:00] The #1 thing you can do to prevent a “January Divorce”. [17:00] A micro step you can take to ratchet up the ‘honesty’ in your relationship. [19:00] How to get real, raw and say the hard truths (and how NOT to say it). [21:00] How Charles recently got through a super tough time in his relationship.[22:00] How to know when a relationship has run its course. [25:00] The pacts to make with yourself that help you take responsibility and take back control of your happiness in relationships. [28:00] The reason great relationships take effort - and how to use that effort to create the best possible relationship. [34:00] An unusual type of therapy that Charles uses to turn peoples marriages around. [38:00] Your action step. GUEST BIO Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert and bestselling author of The Problem with Women... is Men book series and The Pact: Goodbye, Past. Hello, Love!, and the upcoming graphic novella Don't Date A Dick, and he serves as expert host of the hit show Seven Year Switch on FYI (currently in its second season).  Referred to as "The Malcolm Gladwell of Relationships" by the media, and "Carrie Bradshaw-meets-Hitch" by his readers, Charles has built a 1,400,000+ person fanbase on Facebook—completely by word-of-mouth—where he offers free, street-smart love advice to men and women around the world. Charles has personally connected with tens of thousands of singles and couples to discover the answers to key questions that plague modern-day romance: What challenges plague romantic relationships in today's technology-centric world; and what do women and men truly want from their significant others—and themselves—in a long-term relationship?   

We all have a wall in our most intimate relationships. Find out how to take down that wall in a way that works for you. I've got the first step laid out for you.  SHOWNOTES Martina asks her question [5:00] The first step in dealing with fear. [7:30] How your parents influence your relationship with your partner. [8:00] The truth about fear. [12:00] Jayson gives an action step. [15:00]

Want to hear how two people move from victim consciousness to a place of empowerment? Alexi and Preston have some bold answers on how to get over your victim mindset when it comes to relationships and your past. If you want to be challenged in a good way, this episode will help you. SHOWNOTES How did Preston & Alexi begin their journey of personal transformation? [14:00] Why do people struggle in relationship? [21:30] Preston & Alexi's backpack metaphor that helps them thrive in their relationship struggles. [23:00] Why Preston couldn't last 20 minutes watching an HBO show with Alexi. [26:00] The lessons from their last big fight. [30:00] Preston shares the biggest tool a man can use during a fight with his partner. [36:00] The deadly sins of love. [42:00] The difference between victim and victim consciousness. [45:30] Your action step. [53:00]   GUEST BIO As the Co-Founders and Co-Creators of The Bridge Method, Alexi Panos and Preston Smiles have supported thousands of people who have dramatically changed their lives by participating in their various programs and workshops all over the world. For the past 10 years, they've both dedicated their lives to learning as much as they could about Human Potential, Positive Psychology, NLP, Ontology of Language, Transformative Studies, Somatic Training, and Esoteric Wisdom to step into their own leadership and truly "walk the walk" of this work.  They are insanely committed to leading others on this same path, and empowering them to step fully into their unique gifts to create a world that works for everyone. Recently married, this couple is truly committed to transforming the way the world works, by transforming the lives of individuals. They currently speak and lead workshops all over the world (both together and separate), as well as run their own widely successful inspirational YouTube Channels.  Both Preston + Alexi released their first solo books in June 2016 under the publishing house of Simon + Schuster; and will be releasing their first collaborative book with the same publisher in January 2017. http://alexiandpreston.com  

Is your relationship boring or are you boring? Or, better yet, are you just stuck and unsure of how to deepen your relationship? Boredom is a sign that you are missing something, big. Human beings are not boring. Yes, they may have stunted their development, but behind that wall is a massive ocean to explore. Listen up and find out how to get beyond boring. SHOWNOTES The piece of chocolate that sparked this podcast episode. [9:00] The common phrases we here about monogamy? [10:45] What causes the initial boredom after we get married? [12:00] The traps you might fall into when feeling bored in your relationship. [17:00] The 5 steps to take as soon as you notice you're feeling bored in your relationship. [19:00] The power of the uncomfortable conversation. [21:00] Your action step. [31:30]

Want to hear how one man got his wife back after a separation on the brink of divorce? It's actually quite simple but requires a certain kind of man to be able to follow through with it and execute. If you are a man, this is essential information if your marriage is on the rocks. SHOWNOTES How & why did Ryan start Order of Man? [6:00] What is the current state of men in general? [7:30] What was the impact of not growing up with a father? [9:00] When did Ryan realize the "honeymoon" phase of marriage was over? [12:00] The two big things that Ryan did to get his wife back. [18:00] Did therapy help Ryan and his wife? [21:30] The huge trap that many men fall into in a marriage. [28:00] The trick to not fall into blame or victimhood. [35:00] Your action step. [42:00] GUEST BIO Ryan Michler is a husband, father, Iraqi Combat Veteran, and the Founder of Order of Man. Ryan grew up without a permanent father figure and has seen first-hand how a lack of strong, ambitious, self-sufficient men has impacted society today. He believes many of the world’s most complicated problems could be solved if men everywhere learned how to be better husbands, fathers, businessmen, and community leaders. It has now become his life’s mission to help men across the planet step more fully into their roles as protectors, providers, and presiders over themselves, their families, their businesses, and their communities. You can find him blogging and podcasting at Order of Man where he is working to help men become all they were meant to be. http://www.orderofman.com   

Is the female orgasm that complicated and powerful? It can be for some of us, but in this episode, women's sexuality pioneer and sexologist Betty Dodson offers some extremely practical, no-nonsense advice for women (and men) around the orgasm. Hear some enlightening and very intimate details of what a woman can do to dissolve the shame and step into true enjoyment of an orgasm. From group sex to being witnessed masturbating, this episode is sure to confront you and lift you up. SHOWNOTES How did Betty get first started in teaching sex and orgasm? [8:30] What's the current state of feminism and sexuality? [11:00] What does a bodysex group do? [12:00] Why is this kind of bodysex work important for women? [16:30] How often should a woman orgasm to give her vitality? [18:00] Have they figured out where the fluid of a G-spot orgasm comes from? [19:00] What does Betty think about Orgasmic Meditation (OMing)? [20:00] Betty's suggestions on how to experience your first female orgasm. [24:00] Does feeling safe with a partner matter affect the quality of the orgasm? [26:00] How to create a sex-positive world? [27:30] Betty's thoughts on using sex toys for orgasm. [32:00] Is monogamy realistic? [34:00] Best way to heal from sexual shame & trauma? [36:00] Betty's best advice for married couples to revive their sex life. [39:00] Your action step. [43:00]  

A brave smart couple shares their "dark period" and how they got through it. Anyone who has been married for a few years, and then adds in a child to the mix, will pretty much get rocked. Tripp and Alyson share what happened and how they got through it. From their day to day check-ins, emotional distance and meltdowns, to transforming their sex life after kids, you are going to love how this couple rocked it out. And hopefully, you can take a few tips home to your relationship. SHOWNOTES The story of how Tripp & Alyson met. [10:00] Tripp and Alyson's wild first few dates. [16:00] How reclaim their connection when it's off. [21:30] How did Tripp learn to be curious? [30:00] One period that challenged their relationship. [31:00] What Tripp had to face in himself to get out of his comfort zone. [38:00] Who did they each reach out to for support during their challenging times? [50:00] Why you can't rely on your partner to fulfill all your needs. [55:00] How to keep your sex life alive after kids. [58:00] Tripp shares his own evolution of his relationship to sex.  [1:08:00] The framework they both set in their wedding vows [1:15:00] Your action step. [1:23:00]  

Family drama will show you exactly where you and your partner are or are not aligned. Not knowing how to navigate your own triggers around your family can lead to some strange and even painful "gifts" over the holidays. That's why I'm spending an episode on how to deal with the likely family drama that will occur this holiday season. This will help you and your partner (or future partner) know what to do to reduce the stress and be more of a team. That way you can actually enjoy yourself during the holidays! SHOWNOTES Jayson shares his initial stumbles in trying to "fix" his family dynamic. [7:00] What a typical holiday dinner looks like. [9:15] What is your role in your family dynamic? [11:45] 7 tips to better navigate your upcoming family gathering. [13:30] The responsibility of the most emotionally mature person in the room. [15:00] The surprising benefit of having your partner's back. [20:00] How to flip your expectation of wanting your family to be curious about you. [22:00] The truth about judgment. [24:30] Jayson gives you an action step. [32:00]

Why do men need more solid men around them? In this episode, we explore the power of getting very honest with other men and how that can benefit your relationships to women. Our guest John Wineland shares his personal story and offers practical yet embodied tips for how a man can learn how to do relationships in a much more powerful and sustainable way.  SHOWNOTES How did John get into men's work? [9:30] The massive opportunity and lessons in fatherhood. [12:30] How death has been one of John's biggest teachers. [18:00] Why just having guy friends is sometimes not enough. [21:00] Does every man need a men's group? [24:30] What is the most powerful spiritual work that John now does? [35:00] What can a woman do to help her man get into men's work? [38:00] The game-changing move that a man can do to transform his relationship. [45:00] Jayson gives an action step. [58:00]  

In this episode, personality hackers and smart couple Joel and Antonia share their personal experiences of working through differences by understanding their partner's personality type. These two use Myers-Briggs, the enneagram, and other personality tests to understand themselves and each other better. I think you'll get a couple of new insights from Joel and Antonia's story that can help you right now in your own relationship. Pay special attention to what they do well and how they work through challenges in a collaborative way.  SHOWNOTES What is a "social technology"? [8:30] Why do you need to understand your partner's personality style? [14:00] How did Joel and Antonia start studying personality? [15:15] The unique history of the Myers-Briggs typing system. [17:00] How thinkers and feelers can work well in relationships. [22:00] Can your learn from your partner's personality style? [32:00] The impact of masculine or feminine personality types. [35:00] The two kinds of thinking styles. [38:30] The best place to start to figure out you & your partner's personality type? [42:00] The traps of personality tests. [44:00] One thing to never do with your partner. [47:30] What caused Joel and Antonia to dive into personal growth? [49:00]

In this episode, we tackle spirituality and relationships with soulshaping mentor Jeff Brown. Jeff has a great knack for calling BS on the spiritual movement and instead offering grounded, practical, embodied suggestions and pathways to continue to deepen into our wholeness. This one may get uncomfortable depending on where you fall in this conversation. It is my wish that you feel challenged and grow from it.   SHOWNOTES What is Soulshaping? [12:40] What are the most common human struggles that Jeff sees in his work? [14:00] Why most people meditate and so “solo spirituality” over relationships. [16:30] Jeff’s personal definition of spirituality [18:00] How are some teachings distorting the ideas of spirituality and emotions? [19:30] What can men do to grow spiritually? [24:00] The lesson Jeff learned from selling windows door-to-door. [27:00] How can women help men awaken? [29:30] How do Jeff and partner navigate conflict in their relationship? [32:45] Jeff gives his opinion on polyamory. [38:00] What are Jeff’s preferred practices for personal growth? [39:45] Jeff’s twist on the New Age movement. [43:00] Why are relationships so hard? [46:00]  

You’ve been a with a friend or partner who rambles on right? And, you check out or stop listening, but you let them talk right? We’ve all been there. Well, in this episode, we discuss how important it is to interrupt them and take command of the conversation. Wait, Am I suggesting you get aggressive? No way. I’m asking that you show your “care” for them by listening in an entirely different way. SHOWNOTES What is “captive audience”? [7:30] Who is responsible when someone talks too much in an interaction? [10:30] What is active listening? [12:15] The gift that you might be giving the “over-talker”. [14:00] Jayson gives some examples on how to interrupt. [15:30] Jayson shares a personal story of a dude that talked WAY too much and what Jayson did about it. [21:30] Jayson’s action steps for the listener [25:00]

Feeling disconnected is a common experience in long-term relationships. The question is how to get reconnected? Well, first you’ll want to start to identify the ways in which you disconnect and locate the source. After some self-inquiry there, you can learn how to reconnect to you, and your partner. Listen to this one to learn how. SHOWNOTES Should you expect that your marriage will last forever? [4:00] Do you need to love yourself first before you get into a relationship? [5:30] The 10 signs that you’re disconnected from yourself. [9:30] The 8 steps to reconnect. [15:00] Jayson’s action step for the listener [24:00]

Do men change? Can they overcome their blocks? Of course. But sometimes, they need a little permission or a nudge from another man. I’m always thrilled to meet men who help other men come out of their conditioning. This week, I interview Connor Beaton, who is doing just that through his ManTalks events. Check it out. SHOWNOTES What is ManTalks? [9:00] The rock bottom that Connor experienced that caused him to shift his life. [10:30] The two options that Connor chose between. [18:00] How traditional masculinity is a pitfall for many men.  [22:00] What does Connor see as the main challenge for men in relationships? [24:30] The unique role of women and personal growth. [26:00] Some the things that make men’s work not as accessible to most men. [28:00] Connor’s biggest lesson in relationships. [33:30] The reality about men and vulnerability. [35:00] Jayson’s action steps for the listener [41:00]

Do you want more connection while your partner wants more space? One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. In the second of our two-part series, Ellen and I help the distancers understand and deal with your pursuing partner. SHOWNOTES What does it mean to the distancer with a pursuer partner? [7:00] Is the pursuer really being needy when they want attention from a distancer? [10:00] The link between a pursuer and their childhood relationship with their caregiver. [12:30] A better way to ask for space. [15:00] Why the pursuer can be an MVP in a long-term relationship. [19:30] Jayson’s action step for the listener [23:00]  

One of the most common issues in a partnership is the distancer/pursuer dynamic. What is going on here and how do you deal with a partner who needs a lot or one who is distancing. In the first of our two part series, Ellen and I help the pursuers (connectors) understand and deal with your distancing partner. SHOWNOTES What is the pursuer/distancer dynamic? [10:30] What’s going on with the distancer when they are asking for time and space? [12:30] What 2 things do you need to balance when dealing with someone who is distancing. [17:30] The single focus trap that pursuers can fall into. [21:30] How time agreements can make re-connecting easier. [25:30] The positive side of being someone who is a distancer? [26:30] Quick review of the 5 tips [28:00] How this dynamic can be different in a marriage vs dating. [29:00] Jayson’s action step for the listener [33:00]

Running away from relationship pain and problems often just creates more problems. Here I remind you why facing pain is useful. Check it out. Now. SHOWNOTES The simple point of relationship pain. [10:00] The smarter strategy when you’re triggered by your partner. [10:45] How Jayson’s back pain woke him up to something deeper. [13:15] Erectile dysfunction and Viagra as an example of what NOT to do with relationship pain. [16:00] The big signs that you’re hitting the snooze button on your relationship pain. [18:30] Jayson gives your action step. [23:00]

The grass is greener with that other person! I used to think this quietly in my mind all the time, no matter who I was with. In this episode, I share my personal drama with this mentality and what it’s really about. Not only that, I offer something to help you get through it. It might just make you more likely to commit to the one you’re with. SHOWNOTES Jayson shares his personal story about leaving relationships when the going got tough. [8:45] The kinds of partners who will more likely have a “grass is greener” mentality. [11:00] How closeness and space impact ambivalence. [13:00] Will a new partner solve the current problem or bad feelings I’m having? [16:15] Jayson’s recommendation if you’re wanting to jump from relationship to relationship. [18:00] When the grass really is greener over there and it might be time to exit. [21:15] Jayson’s action steps for the listener. [ 24:45]

It’s really normal to experience jealousy, depression, anger, intense attraction and so much more when you find yourself in a good relationship. Our relationships trigger the deepest of human emotions and experiences. In this episode, I answer some fun, very painful, and challenging questions from you the listener. Notice how all of these questions may bring up stuff from your past or present relationship and see if you can find the nugget in each question that you can learn something from.   SHOWNOTES What’s really happening when someone says “you make me feel X”. [6:45] Is it a mistake to stay with my husband who is a functioning alcoholic? [9:30] How to deal with premature ejaculation after you’re married? [12:15] One factor that will guarantee your relationship is doomed. [15:30] How to get your boyfriend to talk more when all he wants is occasional texting? [16:30] Can a guy be emotionally mature if he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings five months into a relationship? [18:15] When a partner struggles with depression, how do deal with a big transition when moving to a new country? [21:45] A partner goes MIA after his mother dies, does this mean the relationship over? [25:45] Is there a limit to being too open and honest with your partner? [30:30] Jealousy when your boyfriend has a lot of interaction with other women on Facebook? [34:00] The best way to eliminate anger? [37:00] Best approach for a couple that is going to be long-distance for two years? [40:30] Personality disorders and loving yourself? [42:45] How to regain trust when a partner refuses to open up? [47:15] Jayson’s action step for the listener. [50:00]  

It is possible to rewire your brain in relationships and build inner strength. In fact, if you don’t work toward this, you’ll be in trouble down the road when the allostatic load catches up to you later in life. In this episode I interview Dr. Rick Hanson. He’s a passionate expert on mindfulness, the brain, neuroscience and relationships. We geek out on the intricacies of the brain but he also brings some very practical tools and insights on how we can improve our relationships by using the natural genius of our mind. Lots of notes to take on this one! Hang in there. It can get dense.    SHOWNOTES Why Jayson was anti-marriage until age 34 [2:00] How did Dr. Hanson get so passionate about brain science and relationships? [11:00] A Native American story about love and hate [13:00] Why is so difficult for couples to work their shit out? [17:30] What are two lessons from the wiring of our ancestors’ nervous systems? [19:30] Two practices to rewire your brain to build your inner psychological strength [22:00] How to stop the negativity train of our mind when we’re already triggered [25:00] Tips for developing ourselves before we get into a fight with our partners [32:30] What happens in our brains when we are triggered by our partner? [46:00] How being chronically frustrated, lonely, let down, disconnected impacts the brain and body. [51:30] The ratio between positive interactions and negative interactions [60:00] A 10-day challenge to the listener on how to radically shift the dynamic in your relationship. [65:00]

Maureen writes “I’ve really lost interest in your work since you said on your webinar that if you get cheated on it’s your fault.” Thanks Maureen for prompting this episode because so many people get “fault” confused with “responsibility.” This episode sets it straight. I clear up what it means to choose to be a victim and to choose to be empowered. Even when someone does something “to you.” After you listen, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group. Also check out the blog post on the same subject here. SHOWNOTES Why people love and hate meditation. [3:30] The difference between fault and responsibility. [6:15] The best way to get back into the driver’s seat of your own empowerment. [9:30] How to not get cheated on again. [10:15] The difference between the victim and the empowered person. [12:00] Jayson’s challenge for the listener. [19:30]

Chris and Billy Jo are two podcast listeners who won a chance to be interviewed and laser coached by me on the podcast. As you listen, pay close attention to their dynamic, their openness to feedback and most importantly a commitment to growing individually and as a couple. If you got value from this episode format, please share your feedback in The Smart Couple Facebook Group and I’ll do more!   SHOWNOTES How did Chris & Billiejo meet and how long have they been together? [8:00] When did they know it was the right time to tell the kids about their relationship? [11:15] Their advice for couples on how to introduce your kids to your new dating partner? [13:30] How has The Smart Couple Podcast helped Chris & Billiejo in their relationship? [15:30] The big lesson that Billiejo learned from a big fight with Chris [19:00] Jayson gives his laser coaching on how to move beyond their repeating patterns. [20:15] The best reframe to heal from blame and resentment with an ex. [24:00] What to do to move beyond infidelity. [28:30] Jayson gives an action step to heal and process blame. [34:00]  

Codependency gets a bad rap. Parenting your partner? Who wants be married to their mom or dad? But there’s more to the story here. And lots of gold if you’re willing to reframe and play the “attachment” game in your primary relationship. My wife Ellen joins me again with her attachment knowledge and personal experience on how to track and parent your partner. We give some personal examples from our marriage as well. SHOWNOTES Why do people freak out when they hear the idea of “parenting your partner” or “co-dependency”? [13:30] What is attachment in a relationship? [18:00] The huge benefit of using the lens of attachment in a relationship. [20:30] What does it mean to parent your partner? [21:45] Track my partner? What does that even mean? [23:45] The “secure home base” and how it can be a great barometer of the relationship. [25:30] The physiological cost of not giving attention to your primary relationship. [27:45] 3 action steps you can take today to improve your relationship. [29:30] Jayson’s action step for the listener. [36:30] Leave your comments in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group

Most of us have no idea how damaging relational stress can be. In this episode, legendary medical doctor and psycho-physio-spiritual trailblazer Dr. Gabor Maté brings some very grounded, practical examples of how relationship stress can impact our lives. The result of stress can be seen throughout the web of our life and it’s up to us to learn how to relate and attach well to our fellow humans. I love how this man turns such complicated topics into common sense. If you want a deeper cut about your marriage, children, or any stressful relationship, this episode is a must listen. SHOWNOTES Why we’re evolutionarily wired to get high off of the honeymoon phase of a new relationship. [2:30] What happens when Gabor’s wife forgets to pick him up at the airport. [13:30] How our partners are perfectly suited to help us grow. [15:35] What happened in Gabor’s childhood that makes his wife a perfect match for him now. [18:00] The long-term cost of not dealing with stress. [20:00] How parents can be compromised by raising their children. [22:30] The link between our relationship health and our physical and mental health. [24:30] What’s the best way to deal with our own relational and attachment issues? [34:00] Why relational healing modalities are so effective. [38:00] What we can learn from pygmy cultures about parenting and relationships. [40:30] How relationship can most effectively be taught to children. [42:00] The effect of Facebook and Internet on kids. [46:00] Jayson gives an action step [50:30]  

Fighting, arguing, and disagreeing are essential in a relationship, But it’s critical to know how. Here’s a short episode to help you understand how to calm down so you don’t do or say something you’ll later regret. SHOWNOTES Why Jayson doesn’t recommend long-term relationship for everyone. [1:45] Why do some couples that use one single email account? Share your thoughts in the private Facebook group [6:15] The likely reason you struggle with conflict in your relationship. [9:30] What defines a fight? [15:00] The 5 steps [15:45] You must have this ingredient whenever you do a “time-out” during a fight. [17:30] The sure-fire recipe for divorce and breakups. [24:00] Jayson’s two powerful action steps for this episode. [28:00]

In this Q&A episode, there were so many great questions. See the show notes below for a detailed line-up. SHOWNOTES How can I train myself to not go to an extreme dark place when I’m triggered by my partner? [4:30] A tool for calming yourself down. [6:00] What’s the best way to balance individual freedom in a relationship to avoid power struggles?  [6:45] How to know when to stay in a relationship and when to leave? [9:30] Why is my husband not desiring me and initiating physical intimacy and passion? [11:45] My boyfriend surfs porn, a LOT. Is this normal? Should I break up with him? [17:30] Should I move back in with my ex? How do I know if he’s forgiving me? [22:00] My partner says he’s not sure if he still has feelings for his ex. What should I do? [25:00] My old boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for eight years, currently off for a year. What’s the best way to get back together? [27:45] The best way to date someone with a mental illness? When do you know if the struggle is too much if they’re not doing the work to get better? [29:45] Someone challenges Jayson on saying “I’m sorry.” [32:15] How do I get my boyfriend to communicate more often and more openly? [34:15] What’s the best way to apply your communication tools with children? Is it the same as with a romantic partner? [35:15] What do you think about when someone says “I’m sorry you feel that way”? [38:15] Should our partner be our “best friend”? [39:30] How do I navigate my fear of enmeshment with my partner’s fear of abandonment? [40:15] Jayson’s powerful action step for this episode. [43:00]  

Did I interview Yoda or just world renowned human behavior specialist Dr. John Demartini? Okay, buckle your seat belt for this one and be prepared to have some of your paradigms twisted and your feathers ruffled. I could have grilled this guy for hours, but I kept it to one hour to respect his time. Be sure to listen to this one twice and take notes.  From no one being committed to you, to the fact that everyone is dishonest, I’m sure this episode will confront and serve you in many helpful ways. Enjoy! SHOWNOTES The one statement Dr. Demartini said that rocked Jayson’s world.  [7:45] How infatuation is an insight to ourselves. [10:30] Dr. Demartini’s relationship status? [11:30] Do long-distance relationships work? [12:30] How to be true to yourself in relationships. [15:45] Dr. Demartini’s date with a 95 year-old lady. [23:00] How our values powerfully influence our lives. [24:45] What about when two partners have opposite values? [27:00] What’s the link between health, stress and values? [32:30] What happens if we run from challenge? [35:00] How to deal with someone who is lying to you. [43:15] What about sexual polarity and passion in relationships?  [45:15] Is quantum entanglement a real phenomenon? [49:00] Why do we tend to attract partners who mimic our parents? [55:45] If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, do you need to heal through relationship? [58:30]

There are two kinds of expectations in a long-term relationship. Knowing the difference can help you sink or swim in your partnership. See if you can get honest about your expectations of yourself and your partner in this episode. SHOWNOTES The two kinds of expectations [5:45] Why laying a trip on someone doesn’t work in a partnership [9:30] Why trying to force someone to change never works. [11:45] Monogamy as an example of how to set an expectation. [13:45] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [17:15]

Saying “I’m sorry” is one way to try to repair after a relationship challenge, but it’s exceptionally limited. Not learning a new way to repair is like driving your car without tires. It works and can even get you places, but you’ll go so much further if you learn this one. Roll up your sleeves as I have a good challenge for you in this episode. SHOWNOTES Why regular apologies are weak. [9:00] What you need to do instead of just saying “I’m sorry.” [13:45] A perspective that will empower you when you’re triggered by your partner. [16:00] The secret to apologizing like a pro. [17:30] Jayson’s challenge to the listener. [21:30]  

Relationships get hard. But how do you know when hard is too freakin’ hard? And, what do you do about it? In this episode my wife and I explore a very common complaint about long-term relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase wears off. Are you making your relationship hard or are you making it easy? Believe it or not, you are in the driver’s seat on this. SHOWNOTES How do you know when your relationship is too hard? [5:30] The decision Jayson made that was crucial to his relationship. [15:00] Does Ellen ever feel that motherhood is too hard? [17:00] The perspective that matters most in a relationship [18:45] How to work through conflict in a relationship? [20:15] What about working through conflict on your own, without your partner or community? [22:30] Why it’s not wise to “pick your battles”? [26:45] Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group  

Your relationship questions are answered in this episode. We cover a lot of ground. One theme is how to deal with “value” differences in an intimate relationship. This one is really good because it can tear a relationship apart trying to fit each other into your respective boxes of how you prefer they be.   SHOWNOTES How long to wait for your partner to blend your families and get married? [7:15] How can partners adapt in a relationship when one partner has a chronic illness? [11:45] Why do men lie? [14:00] What’s the reason our relationship improves when my man hangs out with this guy friends? [17:30] How to tell your guy about erectile dysfunction without making it worse? [20:00] What skills are best to use when you’re highly triggered and avoid an argument? [21:45] How to keep childhood issues from breaking up your relationship? [23:45] How do you know when to take 100% responsibility and when to leave a partner who is not willing to do the work? [26:00] What if your ex is creating challenges for me to blend families with my new partner? [30:00] When you have different values, what’s the best way to deal with that? [33:30] Does it make sense to avoid dating men whose taxi light isn’t on, like Miranda said in Sex & The City? What about when partners have opposite views on how to handle money in a relationship? [40:45] Long-distance relationships: how do I get my man to show me that he’s emotionally ready to commit? [42:45] What should a woman do with her kids when their dad just walks out? [44:15] How to deal with a man who is emotionally unavailable? [46:45] Leave your comment in Monogamy and The Smart Couple Facebook Group