Betrayal Trauma Recovery

“Is my husband gaslighting me?” If you’ve asked yourself this question, here are three types of gaslighting to watch for. Dr. Robin Stern, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, details the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make YOU feel crazy. To discover if you’re experiencing this type of gaslighting, take our free emotional abuse quiz. The Glamorous Gaslighter The glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness – a tactic that lures victims into believing they’re loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter The intimidator gaslighter uses overt verbal abuse, bullying, and physical abuse. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. I Think My Husband Is Gaslighting Me Transcript: Is My Husband Gaslighting Me? Anne: I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today’s episode. She is the co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. And a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples, and families. She’s the author of The Gaslight Effect, How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern: Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I’m delighted. Anne: Let’s start with the definition of gaslighting, because a husband gaslighting is crazy making. Since you’re the gaslighting expert. Dr. Robin Stern: So gaslighting is a form of manipulation in a power dynamic. Where the person more powerful seeks to sow seeds of doubt in the person less powerful, to lead them to question their memory, sanity, and character. Anne: What is their intent in doing this? Dr. Robin Stern: Most of the time gaslighters intent is to destabilize their gaslightee. To cause them to wonder if they’re going crazy, and stay connected to them. So that they, the gaslighter, become the source of stability and reality. And undermine the ground they’re standing on. Anne: Are you familiar with the Allegory of the Cave by Plato? Dr. Robin Stern: Yes, of course. Using The Allegory Of The Cave To Describe Gaslighting Anne: We use that allegory of the cave quite often, and instead of having the fire, and then people walking in between the fire with the shadows. We make the man the fire itself, and he’s holding up these objects. So basically, he wants to be the person who defines reality. Oh, one other thing, Dr. Stern. I talk in a gender segregated way, because this particular podcast is specifically for women who have been emotionally and psychologically abused by men. Dr. Robin Stern: That works for me, because even though gaslighting happens in any relationship, the pairing I’ve seen most often is where the man is the gaslighter and the woman is the gaslightee. Anne: So we use that allegory where he is setting himself up as the person who’s defining reality, keeping her oppressed, and stuck. And that’s interesting that you also say they want to define reality for this person. Dr. Robin Stern: More than that, in a moment of feeling out of control, a gaslighter will go to gaslighting to feel more cohesive, grounded, and in control. And so it’s not just, I want to do this. It’s I need to do this to feel in control of the moment and the relationship. Anne: Control, it always comes back to that. I have heard some people say, “Well, everyone gaslights, but just some people are more dangerous than others.” This example that maybe a mom might gaslight a child into, like, eating a salad. What would be the main difference between telling a child, like, “Oh, of course you like vegetables. Eat your vegetables.” When they’re like, I don’t like vegetables. What would be the difference between that and someone intentionally deceitful? The Husband Gaslighting Her Is Intentionally Deceitful Dr. Robin Stern: Just what you said. There is an intent to deceive to maintain control with a husband gaslighting.. And most importantly, it becomes the core dynamic of the relationship. In a moment, a mom might gaslight a child either to eat a salad or eat their vegetables. Or my favorite is when you go into a grocery store and you see a mom grab the child’s hand and say, “You’re not hungry, you’re tired.&#82

What is victim blaming? It’s when someone blames you instead of the person who harmed you. It’s a tactic used, not only by abusers, but also by everyone else. Victim blaming invalidates our experience as victims of emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. If you’re being blamed for your husband’s lies, manipulation, and infidelity, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. To discover if you are a victim of emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. 7 Victim Blaming Examples In this episode, to answer the question, “What is victim blaming?” We’ll highlight seven victim blaming examples: Connection is the solution to addiction Reactive Abuse Drama Triangle Trauma Bonding Stockholm Syndrome Learned Helplessness Pro-dependency The Addiction Recovery Complex uses many of these victim blaming tropes to harm women. Here’s everything you need to know about victim blaming. Transcript: What Is Victim Blaming? Anne: Kate, you’re a member of our amazing community, and you see these themes come up over and over. Anne: Let’s start with number one, connection is the solution to addiction. What is victim blaming about this? 1: Connection Is The Solution To Addiction Kate: “The opposite of addiction is connection,” that is all crap. Connection will not heal or fix them. It’s not going to be, “If I connect with him more, he’s not going to be abusive.” That does not happen. They gave the example of rats addicted to cocaine. Then they put them in the other rat park, and suddenly the rat didn’t want the cocaine anymore. He wanted to be with other rats. That doesn’t happen in reality. If it did, most of our husbands would not be abusive. Because we’ve given them all the connection, attachment, and love in the world. And it doesn’t work. Anne: It doesn’t work because they’re not connect-to-able. It’s like you’re velcro and capable of connecting, and they’re a rock. But after that Ted Talk, where the guy says the opposite of addiction is connection. So many wives were like, oh, I can do that. “I can connect with him more.” That can solve our problem. This is what women need to know about their abusive husband’s therapist. Kate: It’s not even what wives interpreted. It’s literally what the guy in the TED Talk said. He gave examples of helping an addict and wiping the sweat off of his brow and blah, blah, blah. He made it seem like you just got to be there for them and help them through this. That does not work with sex addiction. Addicts Need To Learn How To Connect Anne: If the Ted Talk guy had said, “addicts need to learn how to connect, and until they stop using their drug, people who try to connect with them won’t be able to.” That would have been more accurate. You need to know that many CSAT therapists will blame the victim. Kate: That would have been much better. That’s not what he said sadly. Anne: It is victim blaming if anyone suggests you can fix him or help him by connecting with him, or his infidelity is because he feels shame. Just no, that’s not even possible if he’s not connect-to-able. And then we all know that if he’s connect-to-able, he starts making efforts to connect with you consistently over time. If he initiates it. If he starts the hard conversations, asks you how you’re doing, is vulnerable, is instigating all those things. That might be an indication. Kate: Sometimes wives feel like he was in this raging river, and it must have been so hard. You got to remind yourself that he jumped in that raging river. His choices led him there. If he does show up at the door, one way you might notice he is safe is if he is more vulnerable about his experience versus come rescue me. I need a towel. Anne: “Where’s dinner? Why isn’t dinner on the table? I can’t believe I was out there struggling for my life and you did not make dinner.” Kate: Yeah, instantly walk in there like, “I’m entitled, give me stuff.” So you already know, you’ve got connection, reactive abuse, the drama triangle, trauma bond, Stockholm syndrome, learned helplessness, and pro-dependency. All of these are victim-blaming. 2: What Is Victim Blaming? Reactive Abuse Anne: All right, let’s talk about “reactive abuse” next. What is victim blaming about reactive abuse? Many victims may have heard this term. Can you describe what it is and why it’s victim blaming? Kate: Let’s say a husband is standing in the doorway, a wife wants to get out, and she pushes him or throws stuff. They call that reactive abuse. You are reacting abusively. Or you were being mutually abusive. So he’s being abusive, and you’re being abusive. That whole thing is completely bogus, because of the intent behind it. If

Many women wonder, “Can trauma affect your sex drive?” Yes, trauma can have a profound impact. Especially if your partner emotionally traumatized you. It’s a basic fact that emotional abuse isn’t attractive. There are 19 different types of emotional abuse, to see if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 types, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 1. It’s Normal To Not Want physical contact When A Man Lied To You If your husband lied to you, of course, you’re not going to want to have contact. Healthy intimacy is based on trust and empathy. If he’s been lying to you about anything, that will affect your drive. However, if he’s been lying to you about his pornography use or his affairs, of course you won’t feel emotionally and physically safe with him. If you feel unsafe with your husband, learn more about this by listening to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 2. Can Trauma Affect Your Drive? Yes, many women don’t understand the different types of trauma you may be experiencing. For example, some men traumatize their partners by not caring about her experience. If your husband has never cared if you enjoy it, or if you get anything out of it, that’s traumatizing. Why would any woman want to under those circumstances? It’s normal to not want to do something that isn’t enjoyable for you. And if your husband insists you owe it to him for whatever reason, that’s coercion. And coercion is an absolute turn off. It’s completely normal to not want to be intimate with someone manipulating and exploiting you. 3. Detaching From Your Body Is A Trauma Response If you find yourself numbing out or emotionally detached during just to get it over with, there’s a likelihood that the experience is abusive in nature. If he doesn’t care that you’re not engaged or that you have to detach to get through it, he doesn’t possess the empathy required to be a healthy partner. It’s normal to not want to have it with someone who doesn’t care about you. Whether you’ve experienced emotional, physical, or psychological trauma due to his emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, it’s normal to experience anxiety, dissociation, and even fear. You don’t owe anyone this for any reason. It’s not a crime to not want it. It’s not immoral or unethical to not want it. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to have it. He feels entitled to it with you, that is the problem. And is emotionally and psychologically abusive to manipulate you to do it when you don’t want to. In fact, it’s called coercion. It’s Not You—It’s Him Understand that couple therapy or improved communication won’t solve his abuse problems. It’s normal that your drive only comes online when you’re with someone who… is honest and transparent. Shows genuine empathy for your feelings. doesn’t exploit you emotionally or sexually. doesn’t objectify women through the use of exploitative material. Remember, it’s normal to be disgusted by someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive. If you’re navigating the impact of trauma on your sex life, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re not broken. Wondering, how can trauma affect me? Find support in our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: Can Trauma Affect Your Drive? Anne: It’s just me today. Many women ask, can trauma affect your sex drive? And the answer is, absolutely. And here are three things to know. If you’re listening and thinking when I found out about his use of exploitative material or affairs, I actually wanted to have it more. We will cover that in a different episode. Indiana Jones & Childhood Memories Anne: I grew up on Indiana Jones. In my home, we had a VHS player and a tape of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I recorded it off of TV. There’s a period of my life where every Saturday I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark via VHS. So I have a lot of this movie memorized. With this new Indiana Jones coming out, I’m so excited to see it. Of course, I’m going to be there. And I’m going to love it. But I have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones in terms of, maybe, how media and culture have affected my sexuality. And I say that because I’m not interested in getting married and dating. I’ll go on a date every once in a while, and I am noticing lately that I have more maybe interest. Betrayal Trauma Recovery. When I say that, I like a hundred percent of the time I’m not a hundred percent disgusted by it. And that did occur for a long time. I’m 90 percent disgusted by it 90 percent of the time. There’s like 10 percent where I’m like, oh, maybe I would want to have it again. And I feel like that 10 percent of the time. When that occurs is usually

We’d all like to believe that divorce stops abuse, but post separation abuse is so common. The truth is, abusers don’t stop wanting power over their victims, even after divorce. To learn if your ex-husband is continuing to abuse you after your separation or divorce, take my free emotional abuse test. What Is Post Separation Abuse? Post-separation abuse refers to the continuation of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse by an ex-partner after a relationship has ended. It can manifest in various ways, often leaving the victim feeling trapped and stressed. Understanding and identifying the signs of post-separation abuse is crucial for taking steps towards healing and protection. 1. USING THE LEGAL SYSTEM TO STAY IN CONTROL Post-separation abuse often is enabled by the court system that court orders women to co-parent with men who are manipulative and undermining them, lying to them. It causes so much chaos. He might be threatening to take you to court or using court orders that are meant to help you co-parent, to make things harder. 2. MAINTAINING FINANCIAL CONTROL Many men withhold things like child support or alimony so that you have to contact him to get it. That is actually a form of post-separation abuse, and they do it on purpose to make sure that they’re still relevant, that they can control what you’re doing so you have to be put through the wringer of contacting them every single time. 3. Manipulating Your Children’s Lives Post-separation abuse can also include creating chaos for your children in order to exert control over you. Such as, refusing to adhere to set schedules or neglecting to take your children to extracurricular activities. They may also send subtly intimidating emails. They are difficult to pinpoint as dangerous. But they intend to cause fear and anxiety. Get The Right Support while you are experiencing Post-separation abuse At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we recognize the difficulty of understanding post-separation abuse. And are dedicated to providing the support you need. Our community offers: Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions: Join one of our many group sessions for support, guidance, and understanding from women who have been through similar experiences. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Individual Sessions: Receive one-on-one attention and strategies tailored to your situation with our specially trained betrayal trauma coaches. Why Choose Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions? Expert Support: Our professional coaches experienced personal betrayal trauma. They are equipped to help you find peace and protection for yourself and your family. Accessible & Affordable: For just $125 a month, you have access to over 92 group sessions—providing real support at the cost of just one therapy appointment. Immediate Help: Attend a group session within hours and start receiving the support you need today. Take Action to Protect Yourself During Post-separation Abuse You don’t have to face post-separation abuse alone. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is here to help you take the steps necessary to protect yourself and your children. Attend a group session today, and join a community that understands your struggles and supports your healing journey. If you’re going through post-separation abuse, consider enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to learn the secrets of why an ex would continue to cause chaos after divorce. With Post Separation Abuse, Boundaries Are Key Boundaries help victims separate themselves from abusive behavior. Boundaries are not: Ultimatums Consequences for bad behavior Mechanisms to control another person’s behavior Instead, boundaries are courageous actions that victims take to ensure they are as protected as possible from harm. Setting and maintaining boundaries in a divorce is key to navigating post separation abuse. What Are Some Boundaries That Can Help Me Navigate Post Separation Abuse? Remember that boundaries aren’t going to stop your abuser from being abusive, but they are intended to limit your exposure to your ex-husband’s post separation abuse tactics. Some ideas of boundaries you can set and maintain include: Using a parenting communication app, like Our Family Wizard, as your sole mode of communication (consult with your attorney). Determining certain times of day, or days of the week, that you will check and respond to messages from your ex Bringing a family member or friend with you to drop off/pick up the children A Strong Support System Is Essential When Navigating Post Separation Abuse Post-separation abuse can sometimes feel overwhelming. It’s imperative that victims develop a strong support network. Post separation abuse victims can find support from: Safe family members The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Trauma-informed specialists, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coaches Transcript: The Truth About Post Separation Abuse Anne: What is post-separation abuse? Marcie’s

Fairy tales have harmed women for centuries. Fairy tales often vilify women’s anger, undermine their pursuit of financial independence, and set unrealistic expectations. These biases shift the focus from abusers to women, making them see themselves as the problem. Join Anne Blythe, M.Ed, Host and Jane Gillmore as they discuss misogyny and fairy tales. If you relate to any of this episode, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Fairy Tales Harmed Women: Vilification of Women’s Anger Society often labels women’s anger as overreacting, in stark contrast to men’s anger, which is seen as justified. This double standard shifts the focus from the abusers to the women, conditioning them to see themselves as the problem, rather than addressing the root cause of their frustration. Of course, women will be angry if they’re oppressed and abused! To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Fairy Tales Have Harmed Women: Financial Independence Double Standard Women are often condemned for seeking financial independence, a desire celebrated in men. This contradiction highlights the gender bias in societal expectations, undermining women’s right to financial security and autonomy. The expectation for women to set boundaries calmly is unrealistic and unfair. It parallels the absurdity of asking women to call the police without anger if they witness a crime, illustrating how these societal scripts demand unrealistic levels of composure from women, even in distressing situations. Fairy Tales harm Women by Normalizing Misogyny Stories like “Beauty and the Beast” perpetuate misogynistic tropes by suggesting that men need women to become better people. This harmful narrative places undue responsibility on women for men’s behavior and personal growth. Which reinforces gender roles that confine women to supportive and transformative roles. Without considering their own needs for autonomy and respect. Transcript: How Fairy Tales Have Harmed Women Anne: I have Jane Gilmore on today’s episode. Jane is a writer, speaker, and feminist, and you can find her at janegilmore.com. Welcome Jane. Jane: Thank you. And it’s so lovely to be here. Anne: I love talking to you. Jane is on today to talk about her new book, Fairy Tale Princesses Will Kill Your Children. The Little Mermaid is a personal nemesis. So I wanted her to talk about this new book and how it can help all women who are going through abuse recognize it, set boundaries and get to safety. So let’s start, Jane, with what gave you the idea that this book needed to be written? Jane: Well, I’m living in Melbourne, and we had such a long lockdown during the first part of COVID. Like, basically two years we were in and out of lockdown. And you start going into weird places when you’re at home that long. I haven’t paid much attention to fairy tales since I was a kid. For some reason, I watched the Snow White movie on the Disney Channel. I was horrified. This is a children’s movie, mostly aimed at little girls, and the misogyny in it was so deep, but it was more than that. It was this idealization of women being not just helpless and submissive, but actively participating in other people abusing them. And I was thinking, oh, this is just because it’s old. This is not what they’re like. So I started looking into them and the five stories I chose for this book, which I retold. Along with an essay about why, were Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I show how fairy tales have harmed women. Themes In Fairy Tales Jane: And when I started looking into them, it was so clear that Snow White was about making other women the enemy, not men. Sleeping Beauty is obviously about consent. Cinderella is about women’s unpaid labor that we are supposed to do, not just uncomplaining, but enjoying our manipulation to serve mostly men. The Little Mermaid is about staying silent in the face of somebody, constantly diminishing you. Beauty and the Beast is coercive control. If you love him enough, he will turn into your handsome prince. This angry, dangerous, violent man just needs you to love him more. And if he doesn’t turn into your handsome prince, it’s your fault for not trying harder. And that’s what these fairy tales are about. They’re telling little girls that the way to be a good woman, a proper woman, a fairy tale princess that the defining characteristic is what they call unselfish. Which is to not ask anything for yourself, to not think that you deserve respect, kindness, agency, or money. That to even ask for those things, to even want those things, even if you don’t ask for them, makes you morally culpable. And you don’t see it when you first look at it because, Oh, aren’t they pretty? They get the handsome prince and everybody gets married and l

Emotional abuse affects your body in a variety of ways. Many women in The BTR.ORG Community have experienced devastating emotional, physical, and mental symptoms. Here’s Joyce’s story. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are here for you if you’re experiencing negative health affects of emotional abuse. Transcript: Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body Anne: I have a special friend who came to my house today. She is in my basement recording with me. We’re gonna call her Joyce. She’s a member of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, and I know her in real life. The story takes a dramatic turn. We’ll start with her story and then near the end we’ll talk about how all how emotional abuse affects your body and your health. When you met your husband, soon to be ex, Joyce how would you define his behavior? Joyce: We met on Tinder and I had actually canceled our first date because I was getting very exhausted by dating. But when I got home from my first date, I thought he was so nice because he told me that he had picked a smoothie place because it was public and it was short and there were cameras. He thought that would make women feel safe. In my mind, I thought, oh that is so considerate. This guy is looking out for women’s needs. Awesome. Anne: Man Joyce: Within a month, we were dating, and within three months, we were engaged. Anne: I, too, had a very quick engagement. Ah. Even First Time Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body Anne: When did you start recognizing that some of his behaviors weren’t what you were looking for? Joyce: You know, I struggle with ignoring my first instincts. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even while we were dating, there were times where I was like, that’s a little odd. I am better at doubting myself than doubting other people. I remember he got really angry at a bill on one of our dates. He thought they had overcharged us and he apologized to them after. It was not something I was comfortable with and didn’t really know how to address. If I’d known better or was more comfortable with accepting that something is a red flag, I would have made different choices. Even first time emotional abuse affects your body. Anne: We’ve all been there. You just don’t know what you don’t know, right? Right. Yeah. You get married and when you start recognizing things are really kind of strange, what reasons do you give for this behavior? Joyce: Yeah, it happened really fast. Honeymoon Red Flags Joyce: On our honeymoon, in fact, we went to Hawaii, his choice. At a restaurant, I ordered a ginger beer, which is a non alcoholic beverage, it reminded me of my childhood. My dad would get us ginger beer around Christmas, it was fun. The drink cost six dollars, it infuriated him that I had spent that kind of money on something. He wasn’t yelling, but he was very stern in the restaurant. When we got into the car, he wouldn’t speak to me. A tactic that he started using then and used throughout our marriage was to say, “Help me understand why you made that decision, Joyce. Why did you do that?” I said, “I don’t understand what the big deal is. I I don’t know when I’m coming to Hawaii again. It’s our honeymoon. I just thought it would be fun. Why you’re so upset about a drink.” He apologized. I think that’s one of the few times he apologized for an overreaction. I know it’s triggering to say overreaction, but it is actually an overreaction. Oh, for him, yeah. Joyce: Yes, for additional context, I paid for the meal. I was not putting an expense on him, I was paying for it. The next morning I was still feeling unsettled and anxious. He was still asleep. I went for a walk around the block and I thought, okay, this must be what marriage is like. It’s going to be fine. It was in fact, not fine. Anne: It was not fine, but you didn’t know that. Right, you didn’t know that. Marriage & Emotional Abuse Isolation Begins Anne: Did you tell anyone about this back then? Joyce: No. For context, this was his second marriage. He was married before, very briefly in his mid twenties. Other people potentially inferred he was the issue. He said he was very uncomfortable with us talking about things to other people. He started putting restrictions on what I could and couldn’t say to people very early on. The restrictions increased. Anytime he caught me talking to someone, or if I said anything out of line, it would result in a serious argument. Anne: Okay. An emotional abuse episode. But you didn’t know to call it that back then? No. Joyce: Yeah. Anne: What did you think about him? Did you think it was you? Did you think it was him? What was your thought process back then? Joyce: I one hundred percent thought it was me. Absolutely, I thought it was me. I’d never been in a long term relationship. He seemed more well spoken

In a world that has normalized explicit media and romanticizes unhealthy relationships, parents need to teach children about healthy relationships. Luckily, there are resources to help parents teach children about healthy relationships in a way that works for everyone. One of the first steps to teaching healthy relationships is to teaching about emotional abuse. If they understand emotional abuse, chances are they’ll avoid unhealthy relationships. To learn more about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 3 Ways Parents Can Teach About Healthy Relationships When you teach children about healthy relationships, it’s important to ensure that the resources you use help your kids: Initiating open & honest conversations to teach children about healthy relationships. Conversations relating to various aspects of body image, the potential influence of media, and relationships. Teaching media literacy. As children and teens begin to understand the intents and impacts of the media, they may be better equipped to seek out and develop healthy relationships and a healthy understanding of intimacy. Emphasizing the importance of healthy relationships. In the BTR community, we understand how difficult it can be to teach children about healthy relationships when emotional & psychological abuse have been present in your home. However, Educate and Empower Kids has many resources available to help parents teach these concepts. Not only do they have incredible resources for children, but also for parents. Transcript: Teaching Children About Healthy Relationships Anne: I have Dina Alexander on today’s episode. She’s the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids. That’s educateempowerkids. org. It’s an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching healthy intimate education. Including education about the dangers of exploitative media. She’s the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and The 30 Days of Sex Talks. She received a master’s degree in recreational therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelor’s from Brigham Young University. She tries to be a great mom and loves spending time with her family. We’re talking about how to teach children about healthy relationships. Welcome, Dina. Dina: Thank you. It’s great to be here. Anne: So Dina and I have known each other for a long time. We’re personal friends. We know each other in real life. And over the years, she has sent me all the books that Educate Empower Kids has produced. And my children love them. My daughter always pulls them out. I think she likes nonfiction better than fiction. Dina: She wants to figure out life, not just fantasy, right? Anne: My kids like them so much that I’m kind of sick of them. Isn’t that good? Dina: Yes, because we all have that as moms. You get this book, you love it. And then after the 10th time, you’re like, Oh my gosh. Anne: That’s how good they are. I’m like, do we have to read this body image book every night for four months, can we just read Little Red Riding Hood or something? And she’s like, no, we need to learn about positive body image. She’s seven years old. The Popularity of Educate Empower Kids’ Books Dina: She’ll never regret it though. As an adult, she can say to her friends that still all hate their bodies. Wait, didn’t your mom talk to you about this? And then be sad for her friends, whose moms did not teach them to care for their bodies and love them as they should. Anne: So they’re that good. They’re that good that even when I’m sick of them, my kids still want to read them. So that I think is like the biggest endorsement there is. Dina: That’s hilarious. I love it, love it. Anne: So, Educate Empower Kids just came out with a new edition of 30 Days of Talks. It has the same topics, but it’s more in depth. Can you talk about the feedback you received between the first and second edition, and why you decided a second edition was important? Dina: We did a couple of updates over the years, just fixing some language. We find that these topics still intimidate parents. So helping them understand that they are the best source of information, right? None of us have to be experts, but that you as the parent love your kids more than anybody else. And so part of it is helping parents realize you can have these conversations. Also just giving a little more background, each layout has more information. That doesn’t mean you have to cover every piece. You’re going to see some of it, like where you’re going to go, okay, I’ve covered a couple of those. Oh, but there are five more pieces that I can add if I want to prepare and empower my child with knowledge. Challenges Parents Face in Discussing Intimacy Anne: My situation is a little different, because I do this for a living,

Going through a divorce—especially one you didn’t want—is one of the hardest challenges a woman can face. Women experience heartbreak, uncertainty, and overwhelming emotions. It’s normal to feel lost. Here are some comforting Bible verses concerning divorce. So if you’re suffering from your husband’s choices, that you may not be aware of. You’re also healing from years of emotional abuse. To see if you experienced any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 7 Bible Verses Concerning Divorce 1. Isaiah 54:4 “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood.” Even if you’re husband has lied to you and harmed you, you’re not worthless. Because you are a daughter of God experiencing oppression and abuse. Then to learn more about this type of abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 2. Isaiah 54:5 “For your Maker is your husband—the Lord Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth.” While you may grieve the loss of your husband’s role in your life, know that God is your constant provider and protector. He will stand by you, offering comfort and strength as you rebuild. 3. Isaiah 54:7-8 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer. This verse acknowledges the depth of your pain, but also assures you that God will lead you to resources that can help you. To learn more about how Christ wants us to deal with dangerous people, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. 4. Isaiah 54:10 “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the Lord, who has compassion on you. Even when life feels like it’s crumbling, God’s love is steady and unshakable. In fact He promises peace that surpasses understanding, even in the midst of heartache. 5. Isaiah 54:14 “You will be established in righteousness; tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you.” Also this verse offers reassurance that God is leading you to a place of safety and peace. He will protect you and strengthen you to walk forward with confidence. 6. Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord. This verse reminds us that God is by your side. He is fighting for you and will bring justice in His perfect timing. 7. Isaiah 54:11-12 “Afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted, I will rebuild you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with lapis lazuli. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls of precious stones.” This verse speaks of restoration and beauty. God has a plan to rebuild your life, piece by piece, into something stronger and more beautiful than before. The Bible A Reminder For You These verses from Isaiah are here to encourage you in moments of doubt, grief, or despair. Lean into God’s promises and trust that His love and peace will carry you through. If you need more support or just someone who gets what you’re going through, remember there’s a whole community of women ready to walk beside you. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. God loves you. Although He’s still writing your story. Keep moving forward—you are stronger than you think! Transcript: Bible Verses Concerning Divorce Anne: If women go to the Bible and look in the index and try to find the word abuse, the likelihood of finding it is not high. So consider searching the Bible for other words that actually describe abuse. For example, widows. You are effectively a widow because of your husband’s choices. Even if you’re still married. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves widows. If you look up widow or widowhood in the index, you’ll find some Bible verses concerning divorce. Wickedness is another one to look up. You’ll see lying, deceit, double minded as wicked behaviors. That’s describing abuse. Along those same lines, you’ll see that God continually talks about separating ourselves from wickedness. Modern context, that may be divorce. Or it may be separation. So instead of trying to find the exact word “divorce” when searching the scriptures, consider searching for traits your husband has. For example, is a liar? A long time ago, I did an episode where I read verses from I

Male entitlement to women’s bodies is a driving force behind emotional & psychological abuse, sexual coercion, domestic abuse, sexual violence, and homicide. Here’s what you need to know. Rachel Moran, a former trafficking victim, shares her story below. For women who are currently in a relationship, if you’re feeling used and unseen, consider taking our free emotional abuse quiz. To see if you’re experiencing any of these types of emotional abuse (including coercion). Why Do Men Feel Entitled to Women’s Bodies? Navigating the complex maze of societal expectations and gender dynamics, women often find themselves at the mercy of a perplexing phenomenon—male entitlement towards their bodies. It’s a pervasive issue that manifests itself in various ways, from thinking women “owe” them. This list explores seven compelling factors that contribute to male entitlement to women’s bodies. 1. Patriarchy is a System of Male Entitlement Patriarchy is an established framework where men have privilege and women don’t. Historically, male experience has been the default, and women have been objectified. Their roles reduced to caregiver or sexual object. Due to their societal status, men grow up with a sense of entitlement toward many aspects of life, including women’s bodies. The belief in their innate right to women’s attention, affection, and bodies can begin early. 2. Cultural Norms Perpetuate Male Entitlement to Women’s Bodies The media plays a significant role in perpetrating gender stereotypes and norms, often depicting women’s bodies as objects for male consumption or that women are the supporting cast. From advertising that commodifies women to movies and songs that glorify persistent pursuit of women despite their lack of interest. The cultural narrative loads messages that reinforce the idea that “real men” take control. 3. Ignorance Isn’t Bliss (For Women) An educational gap in teaching about healthy relationships and truly mutual intimacy further exacerbates the problem. Many education systems worldwide lack a comprehensive approach to relationship and sex education. Which includes the nuanced aspects of respecting one another’s autonomy. Without this knowledge, it is easy for men (and women) to believe men are entitled to women’s bodies in various ways. 4. Religious Beliefs Support Male Entitlement To Women’s Bodies Religious and traditional values often “assign” women the task of being the moral compass for men, as if men aren’t capable of making ethical, healthy decisions. These beliefs can simultaneously place the onus of “morality”, domestic labor, childcare, and “meeting a man’s physical needs” the duty of a “righteous” woman. While also stripping her of equal value and decision-making power. This can lead to a paradox where, on the one hand, women are seemingly “exalted.” And on the other hand, a convenient scapegoat when men’s desires or behaviors spiral out of control. People manipulate these beliefs to justify male entitlement to women’s bodies. 5. Male Entitlement Codified Through Legal and Political Structures The failure of legal systems to adequately protect women from emotional and psychological abuse, including coercion and coercive control reinforces female entitlement to women’s bodies. In some instances, laws meant to protect women end up tools of oppression. For example, when rape laws require evidence of physical resistance, it implies that without this resistance, the intercourse was mutual. Or that all that was required was a “yes”, without concern for how that yes was obtained. 6. Socio-Economic Factors That Support Male Entitlement When men are the primary earners, there can be a belief that their financial contributions translate into ownership, not only of their wife, but also of her body. This is particularly evident in cases where women are financially dependent on men and fear the consequences of asserting their rights. The resulting power imbalance exploits and justifies men’s sense of ownership and control over women, including their physical autonomy. 7. Lack of Empathy is The Root Cause of Male Entitlement Arguably, the most pernicious aspect of male entitlement is its normalization and acceptance within male social circles. Many men fail to recognize the privileges they hold and the ways in which their behavior contributes to a culture of male entitlement. Instead, there’s often a reluctance to hold each other accountable for actions that violate women’s rights and boundaries. Without empathy, it’s challenging to change the societal narrative that enables and excuses male entitlement. Men must begin to stand up and actively work against these norms to create a culture of respect and equality. Why Do Men Feel Entitled to Women & Girls? Rache

It’s hard to say no. How to say no is especially difficult when your husband is emotionally abusive. Penny has an abusive father, and has some amazing tips about how to say no. The general idea is this: If it’s unhealthy, harming me, or I don’t want to do it AND it’s arbitrary, I say no. Try: Saying “No, thank you” politely. You don’t need to offer explanations or reasons. Say no in writing, if it’s easier. The basic idea is pretty simple, but important: I say yes when it’s a healthy choice. I say yes to what I want. It’s Okay To Change Your Mind If you’re struggling to know if something is unhealthy, do you know the 19 types of emotional abuse? If not, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Sometimes we say yes when we meant no – or feel coerced or manipulated into saying yes. Sometimes we say no, then later realize we would like to say yes. How to say no? You’re allowed to change your mind! You’re allowed to make mistakes! If you relate and need support to say no to emotional abuse, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: How To Say No Anne: I have a special guest on the podcast today. She wanted to be called Vanellope after Vanellope von Schweetz from Wreck It Ralph. So we’re gonna call her Vanellope or Penny for short. She is my eight year old daughter. Welcome, Penny. Penny: Hi, I want to teach you how to say no thank you. So, if someone who is abusive says, do the dishes! Or like, do everything, then you could just say, No, thank you. Anne: So Penny is a good example. She started doing this on her own. Basically, if somebody asks her something she doesn’t want to do, she politely and sweetly smiles and says. Penny: No, thank you. Anne: And she says it a lot. Penny: No, thank you! When someone asks me to do it, I’m like, I don’t wanna do it. So I’m like, no, thank you. Anne: You seem confident when you say it. I find it impressive. So I’m going to talk to my listeners for a second, okay? Now because Penny is kind and happy, and she’s not afraid to say no. When she first started doing this, it caught me off guard. Because sometimes she would say it when I asked her to brush her teeth. And as her mom, even though I’m assertive, when she said, no, thank you. It stopped me in my tracks. Then I thought, oh, I guess that’s it. I guess she’ll never brush her teeth. Now as her mom, I was able to tell her, this is a healthy thing we need to do. And we overcame that. The Effectiveness of ‘No Thank You’ Anne: How to say no? A simple, no, thank you is such an effective thing to say to an abusive person. And of course, they will try to fight you or maybe try to get around it. But this simple way of saying no is effective. When Penny does it, she doesn’t even give an explanation. She doesn’t give a reason. She just says, no, thank you. So even though she’s happy, friendly, and cheerful, it doesn’t even seem like she’s open to negotiation. Do you know what I mean by that? When I say it doesn’t seem like you’re open to negotiation. Penny: Not really. Anne: It seems like you want to say no, and that’s the end of the conversation, and you don’t expect them to try and talk you into it. Like when you say no thank you, you don’t give a reason, you don’t complain. Penny: Like at a dinner party if you don’t want that food. I would say no, thank you. Anne: Have you said that before when you’re somewhere else and someone offers you some food? Penny: Yeah, I have. I’m like, now they know that I don’t like that food. Anne: How do you feel about yourself when you stand up for what you want to do? Do you think, hey, my opinions matter? Penny: Yeah. Like, I don’t like this. Anne: So, is it hard for you to say no? Penny: No, it’s not that hard for me to say no. It’s easy for me to say no for some reason. I can do it easily. Challenges In Saying No Anne: Why do you think it might be hard for other people to say no? And why would people wonder how to say no? Penny: Because they don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, Anne: Maybe they’re not confident that saying no is the right thing to do or not. Penny: Well, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to say no or yes. I know how to say no or yes, and know it’s the right thing. Because you have a feeling to say no or you have a feeling to say sure, I’ll do that, even though you don’t want to. Like, do the laundry or do the dishes. Anne: So, with those things, is it like, I don’t want to do it, but I know in my heart it’s the right thing. Like, I don’t want to brush my teeth, but I know in my heart that I should brush my teeth. Penny: Yeah, like, if you feel you need to do that, you’re like, okay, I’ll do that. Anne: Even

Should couples stay together after infidelity? Here’s what some unfaithful husbands anonymously said. Their answers will shock you. Most unfaithful men use emotional abuse tactics to hide their infidelity. To discover if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: Should Couples Stay Together After Infidelity? Anne: It’s just me today. If you’re wondering, should couples stay together after infidelity? As you’re considering this question. Should I stay or should I go? If you’ve listened to this podcast, you’re educated about emotional and psychological abuse. If you’ve enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, you’ve been learning safety strategies. Well, today I want to share with you what some men think of these concepts. These are men who ask the same question. Should I stay after I have cheated on my wife? They listened to this podcast or read the books I recommend. I don’t want them to listen to this podcast, I don’t want abusers listening. Don’t share this podcast with your husband, please, please, please. Because your safety is my top priority, and it could put you in danger. So please do not do that. Do not share that you’re listening with them. But I can’t stop them from doing that. And then they either left a review on the podcast, or they left a review on Amazon, or they just wrote me an email. So I’m going to share with you their thoughts. One guy wrote, I would like to take a moment to challenge your model. And then he’s extremely emotionally and psychologically abusive. He talks about how his ex-wife left him because of Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Basically, he was like, Betrayal Trauma Recovery told her it wasn’t a marital issue, that it was an abuse issue, and that he was the abuser. https://youtu.be/V-MIO0MkMrY Blame & Gaslighting Anne: And then he goes on to say he’s not, that she’s the abuser. He blamed her for the emotional abuse. She’s the one abusing him. Because this is why I don’t want you to give this podcast to your abuser. Then he uses all the language we use in the podcast to be emotionally abusive to her. He said, I wouldn’t tolerate the gaslighting, the blame shifting, and me being responsible for her reactions to “fair questions.” And then he said his wife is a diagnosed narcissist. And that we didn’t figure it out. And he’s now trying to prove to me that she’s the one sick and that we ruined their marriage. Now this is interesting. If he listened to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, learned about abuse, and his wife was an actual diagnosed narcissist. This is rare for a narcissist to actually be diagnosed, because they resist going in for a diagnosis. But let’s just say that this is the case. Let’s take this at face value for a minute. Then wouldn’t he know that she’s the one that ruined the marriage? I mean, he said, I would not tolerate the gaslighting, blame shifting, and me being responsible for her reactions to “fair questions,” right? So he’s describing an abuser. So, wouldn’t he blame her abuse? Why would he blame Betrayal Trauma Recovery? We just educate people about abuse. And, if he can now recognize abuse and knows that she’s abusive, he should say, like, she ruined our relationship due to her abusive behaviors. If she was so abusive, he would have asked himself, what boundaries do I need to set? After her abuse, after her infidelity, after her blame and gaslighting should they stay together? Irony In Abusers’ Complaints Anne: The ironic thing about this letter is that he says if it weren’t for Betrayal Trauma Recovery, his marriage would be intact and everything would be alright. This message does not make sense. If he genuinely thought she was all these terrible things that he says in this message. Would he not thank Betrayal Trauma Recovery? For educating him about this type of emotional and psychological abuse? In this guy’s case, if he thinks she’s abusive, terrible, and awful. Then Betrayal Trauma Recovery delivered him from this terrible relationship. So that would be another thing that he could thank BTR for. Because she learned about abuse, she got to safety, and now I no longer have to be around her narcissistic, terrible, awful, abusiveness, win-win. Why is he so upset that his ex wife, who is, in his mind, a terrible, awful, abusive, crazy person, separated herself from him? It does not make sense. His last line in this message is, Please don’t sell them and their families short like you did us. And I’m like, from your description of your ex wife, you sound like you hate her. Why in the world would I feel bad about her divorcing y

Mothers often ask, “How can I help my daughter avoid teenage abuse?” Lucy is on the BTR.ORG podcast, sharing her insights as a 19-year-old, new in the dating world, with helpful insights for mothers. In this interview, she shares her list of “red flags” that she made with the help of her mother. You can help your child avoid teenage abuse in relationships by having regular discussions about what red flags she can look out for in potential dating partners. Some “Red Flags” you may want to discuss with your teen include: Coercion, including coercion, that can include guilting, sulking, shaming, and subtly conditioning victims to participate in sexual activities. Manipulation, lying, and gaslighting. A preoccupation with their phone. Any degree of violence, including harming objects or animals. How to Help Abused Teens Teens may find it easier to engage in healthy relationships and avoid teenage abuse when adults encourage them to focus on their own goals. Rather than spending time and energy seeking out dating opportunities, teens can use that time and energy to learn healthy habits and behaviors and develop a strong sense of self. Your teenager needs help identifying the abuse, have them take our free emotional abuse quiz. This quiz will also teach them the 19 different types of emotional abuse. Teens, like all victims of abuse, deserve to be validated, not blamed. Parents can help teen victims by: Developing a safety plan to make sure that the abuser no longer has access to them. Validating the victim’s experience. Reassuring the victim that they’re not at fault. Allowing the victim to talk openly about their experience, without judgement or blame. If you as their mother need support for your abusive relationship, there’s a place you can go to talk. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: How To Help Your Daughter Avoid Teenage Abuse Anne: Lucy is on today’s episode. She is 19 years old. So Lucy’s mom is interested in betrayal trauma stuff and has been talking to her about this. And because Lucy is 19 and dating, she’s been thinking about teenage abuse, and teen dating violence in relation to her mother. We don’t often have 19 year old women on the podcast. But we do have a lot of women who are in relationships that are covertly emotionally abusive and psychologically abusive, and they are concerned about their kids. So Lucy, as you’re dating, what red flags do you look for when you consider dating somebody? Lucy: Yeah, I have, let’s see. Red Flag 1: Lack of Deep Conversations Lucy: I have ten written down, and the first one is if he can’t hold a deep conversation. Red Flag 2: Phone Obsession Lucy: Two, if he’s on his phone a lot when y’all are together instead of interacting with you. Red Flag 3: Phone Privacy Issues Lucy: Three, if he does not let you have his phone passcode and or freaks out when you go near his phone. Because that typically means he has something to hide. Some will say that’s a violation of his privacy. But oh my gosh, considering all the perversion, corruption, and trouble someone can get into on the internet. You better believe I’m going to need access to your phone. And if we were in the same room right now, and you asked for my phone passcode, I would give it to you. Because I don’t think phones were made to be these little boxes of our hidden secret worlds. And I don’t know, if you don’t have anything to hide, I think you should share that. Red Flag 4: Health Consciousness Lucy: Number four, if he is not health conscious, if he does not eat well and or exercise. Red Flag 5: Promises to Change Lucy: Five, if the guy you’re into has issues and is claiming that he will change for you. It doesn’t, it never works out. Move on. Red Flag 6: Handling Bad Days Lucy: Number six, if he doesn’t respond well to you on your bad days. Does he manipulate the situation? Does he gaslight? Take note to how he reacts to your reactions. Red Flag 7: Words vs. Actions Lucy: Number seven, if his words don’t match his actions. Red Flag 8: Aggressive Jealousy Lucy: Number eight, aggressive jealousy. Red Flag 9: Lack of Goals & Hobbies Lucy: 9, he has no goals for himself, doesn’t believe in anything important, and or lacks healthy hobbies. And number 10. Red Flag 10: Overdependence Lucy: He’s overly dependent on you and doesn’t have other close relationships. Anne: Those are really good. How have those helped you thus far? Avoid Teenage Abuse: Focus On Your Own Goals Lucy: Yeah, so actually I’ve never dated before. Anne: You have not been able to implement your list yet. Lucy: But also, I’m not looking to date right now either. Like, I’m not looking for a relationship. You know, I’m 19. I’m Pursuing my surfing, my music, and all this other stuff. So like in the defense o

In marriage, many women feel off, meaning they feel like something is wrong, but they don’t know if what they’re sensing is real or just anxiety. Anne, Blythe, M.Ed, an expert in emotional and psychological abuse, sheds light on the murders of Angela Craig and Tausha Haight. And gives practical tips for how to listen to your gut and understand what it’s telling you. If you relate and wonder if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz to determine if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse. What Does It Mean To Feel Off? “Feel off” means you think something isn’t right, but you’re not sure what it is. Sometimes you might have an idea of what’s wrong, but if there’s no proof, it’s hard to know if what you’re feeling is correct. Too often, society conditions women to dismiss feelings of uneasiness, fear, and concern with dismissive phrases like: You’re holding on to the past. You need to forgive. You’re holding it over [your husband’s] head. You need to move on. You’re letting your anxiety get the better of you. You aren’t allowing the atonement/grace/Christ/healing to work. You’re imagining things. You’re crazy. Instead Of Dismissing Your Sense That Something Is Off, Consider… Rather than shunning, ignoring, minimizing, dismissing, or denying your triggers, consider inviting them in and sitting with the emotions, feelings, and thoughts that accompany them. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop gives women a step by step guide to learning how to use their senses to determine the truth. Wives never experience physical violence without first experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. If you’re sensing that something is off in your marriage, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Feel Off? When Your Gut Is Warning You Anne: It’s just me today. In marriage, many women feel off; meaning, they feel like something’s wrong, but they don’t know if what they’re sensing is real. I’m going to share two women’s stories today. Both are victims of emotional and psychological abuse that culminated in their abuser, murdering them. The first murder happened in Colorado. Anne: The perpetrator is James Tulver Craig. He murdered his wife, Angela. James had multiple affairs with several women. He is a explicit content addict. And he’d drugged Angela five years previously. The first time he poisoned her, none of this is true. He said when he got caught poisoning her. And he had to come up with a “plausible reason” for doing it. He said the reason he poisoned her was because he was planning on suicide. James Craig’s Manipulation & Lies And he wanted her to sleep through it. And then he chickened out and didn’t commit suicide. So she experienced her husbands gaslighting and manipulation to believe he’d poisoned her because he was going to commit suicide. And he loved her so much that he didn’t want her to find him. But no, that wasn’t what happened. The first time he tried to murder her through poisoning her. And it didn’t work. She discovered it and went to the hospital. So after this attempted murder, she does not realize it is an attempted murder. She does not feel off; meaning, she’s still living in the home with him, and they’re going to therapy. He’s doing pornography addiction recovery therapy. And five years later, he poisons her again. This time it kills her. But not before she senses something is wrong. She doesn’t feel good. And she gets to the hospital. I went through all the police reports, including all his texts to his wife and members of his congregation. In fact, click here for a link to all this documentation. You can see them with your own eyes. Gaslighting & Manipulation Tactics Anne: I want to highlight the gaslighting he used to manipulate her and everyone else. Because this is happening to so many of our listeners. They find out their husband is having an affair, or soliciting prostitutes. He gives this reason. Oh, I’m an addict. Then he starts going to therapy or 12 step for and acts like he’s not doing it anymore. And she starts to go to 12 step for wives of addicts. And she feels like something is off, she’s still feeling uneasy. She’s still feeling like something is not right. Rather than acknowledge that feeling might be about current things happening. Both the perpetrator and maybe a therapist or clergy or other people might say, oh, this is a trigger from what happened before. But it’s not currently happening. I was doing that before. And now I’m a changed person. When they are still doing it now. The reason women feel uneasy and get “triggered” is that they still experience deception, manipulation, emotional and psychological abuse. It is not

Sex trafficking examples often involve children being kidnapped and taken across national borders. But what if the most common sex trafficking examples are closer to home? A husband filming his wife in the shower without her knowledge or consent, and selling the video online. A boyfriend coercing his seventeen-year-old girlfriend for photos. A man prostituting his long-time partner, then gaslighting her into feeling guilt and shame so that she feels unable to escape or press charges. All trafficking includes emotional abuse. To see if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. What Does A Trafficking Example Look Like? It’s a depraved trap of psychological, emotional, sexual, and physical coercion and abuse. It’s the disempowerment of women and children. And it’s all around us. There are countless trafficking examples. Dr. Stephany Powell from NCOSE is on The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast with Anne Blythe M.Ed. to cover when a husband is the perpetrator. And give trafficking examples. If you discover your husband is participating in trafficking by using pornography, attend a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Trafficking: Force, Fraud, Coercion Coercion can include: Threats (subtle or overt) Gaslighting Blame-shifting Manipulation Emotional withholding Financial abuse Spiritual abuse Blackmail Abusive persistence Transcript: Real Life Trafficking Examples Anne: I have Dr. Stephanie Powell on today’s episode. She is Vice President and Director of Law Enforcement Training and Survivor Services at the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. Dr. Powell gained insight into exploitation and trafficking through her 30 years with the Los Angeles Police Department, coupled with her passion for education and her heart for community. She’s an incredible leader who uses her considerable skills and insight to educate the community about the complex and often misunderstood world of trafficking. And to create positive change for victims. She’s a powerful speaker, tenacious educator, advocate for change, and one of the premier experts in this field. She’s been featured on CNN, HLN, and local media in the Los Angeles area. We will be talking about trafficking examples. Welcome, Dr. Powell. Dr. Powell: Yes, thank you so much for having me. Anne: On social media, we saw a post from Fight the New Drug, where you talked about how trafficking is not only when victims are held against their will, and a lot of people don’t understand that. So can you start with the definition of trafficking? Dr. Powell: Well, when we talk about trafficking, it needs to be understood that when you’re under the age of 18, and someone has used you for commercial s**, that by age alone, you’re automatically considered a victim of trafficking. In a court of law, if you’re over 18 years of age, you have to prove fraud or coercion. I think what happens oftentimes is that people only think of trafficking victims with the force and the fraud, because sometimes that coercion piece is a little hard to understand because people go, well, why didn’t they just leave? Emotional Bonds In Trafficking Dr. Powell: What needs to be understood is that there is an emotional bond that one may have with their trafficker. So that emotional bond may be because their trafficker was a boyfriend or family member. It’s like brainwashing. I’m coercing you because if you leave, something bad will happen to somebody you love. And by the way, this is your fault anyway, because you chose to do this. So that’s what human trafficking looks like. Someone can enter at the age of 11 or 12, but someone can also enter at the age of 21. It’s not so much where people will think it only happens with children. It happens with adults. Anne: When you say any commercial act of someone younger than 18, that age automatically says this is a victim of trafficking. Could that be perhaps a boyfriend and a girlfriend? Let’s say they’re 17. Let’s say he’s got a camera, and then he records her and posts it online without her knowledge. Under any circumstances, if she’s under 18, is that a commercial trafficking example? Dr. Powell: It could be considered a commercial act if they’re getting money by the posting, but by the mere posting of itself and they’re under the age of 18, you’re looking at CSAM. Anne: Right, child abuse material. Dr. Powell: Yes. Anne: So do you find that some children under 18 unknowingly participate in trafficking? They don’t realize what is going on? Dr. Powell: Yes, under the age of 18, they could be unknowingly participating in, CSAM. The Dangers Of Sharing Images Dr. Powell: So that’s why when I talk to teenagers, I tell them, if you’re sharing pictures that you wouldn’t want to share with your grandmother, once you push send, you don’t have any control over that pict

If intimacy in your marriage feels confusing, pressured, or something you’re starting to dread, often, maybe you have a manipulative husband. Here are three overlooked signs of manipulation in marriage. And over time, those patterns don’t just affect intimacy—they erode your sense of safety, clarity, and trust in yourself. If you’ve ever wondered if all married intimacy is this way—this will help you finally make sense of it. Signs of a Manipulative Husband 1. You Say Yes After Saying No One of the most common sign of a manipulative husband is when you say no and somehow, you end up saying yes anyway. Not because you changed your mind, but because the pressure didn’t stop. Maybe he keeps asking. Or he sighs, withdraws, or gets irritated. Perhaps the tension builds until giving in feels like the only way to restore peace. So you agree (not out of desire, but) from exhaustion. In a healthy relationship, “no” is respected the first time, or the very least followed up with empathetic questions. If it isn’t, that’s not a communication issue. It’s manipulation. 2. You Agree to Intimacy to Avoid Consequences If you’re not saying yes because you want intimacy, what if you’re saying yes to avoid what happens if you don’t. What if you’re only saying yes to avoid his sulking, subtle jabs, emotional distance, or underlying tension in the home. You start calculating: Is it easier to just go along with this… or deal with the fallout? That calculation is a survival response. And it’s one of the clearest signs your husband is manipulative. Because intimacy is no longer something shared—it’s leverage. 3. You Feel Confused Before, During, or After This is the sign of manipulative husband most people overlook. In the moment, it might feel like you chose it. But later, something doesn’t sit right. You realize you… were exhausted felt pressured didn’t have all the information didn’t actually want it And you think: Why did I agree to that? That confusion isn’t random. It’s the result of mixed messages—words that sound caring, paired with actions that override your boundaries. Over time, this creates a kind of mental fog. And once that happens, his manipulation becomes even harder to recognize. Why These Signs of a Manipulative Husband Are So Hard to See Manipulation in marriage rarely looks obvious. There’s usually no yelling or overt threats. No clear “incident” you can point to. Instead, it shows up as: Pressure disguised as persistence Guilt framed as “needs” Kind words that don’t match actions Moments of connection followed by withdrawal You may even think: He’s trying. He says the right things. But if his actions consistently override your comfort, your pace, or your desire, that’s not intimacy. That’s control. If this is happening, you may be experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. Here’s my free emotional abuse test. Intimacy Requires EMOTIONAL Safety—Not Pressure Real intimacy only exists when both people actively want it, not when one person is persuading, convincing, or wearing the other down. If you feel: On edge Responsible for his mood Afraid of disappointing him Relieved when it’s over Your body is giving you important information. Those aren’t signs that something is wrong with you. They’re signs of a manipulative husband. Recognizing the Signs of a Manipulative Husband If you’re trying to make sense of what’s happening in your marriage, support matters. You deserve a place where you can: Speak openly without being dismissed Process what you’re experiencing Reconnect with your own clarity and instincts Our BTR Group Sessions are a safe place to begin. Because once you can clearly see what’s happening, everything starts to change. TRANSCRIPT: Signs of Manipulative husband Anne: I am honored to have Jane Gilmore on today’s episode. She is an author, feminist, and consent educator. For over a decade, she’s been delivering consent and respectful relationships education in Australian schools. Welcome, Jane. Jane: Thank you so much for having me. Anne: We’re just going to start with consent. It’s something that we talk about on this podcast all the time, especially in conjunction with pornography use. A woman is going to feel manipulated by her husband when she’s unaware of all the secret stuff her husband is doing, and he doesn’t give her the information to give consent, she’s not informed enough to give consent. https://youtu.be/Cnda4Lcrb0A Jane: Yeah, because I think that’s important. Often when we talk about consent, people think of it as a binary thing. It’s a yes or a no. When we go into schools, talk to young people, but also when we’re doing adult education, it’s one of the first questions I ask. And the answers are often gendered, so girls and women often talk about giving permission, when you give somebody permission to touch you. And boys and men often talk about it in terms o

Many people say the key to restoring a relationship is forgiveness, but what should you do when an abuser denies his abuse? Is forgiveness even possible? Here’s what you need to know. Many clergy, therapists, family or friends tell victims to “just forgive” their abuser. But this advice often ignores the trauma victims face and the need to focus on protecting themselves so they can heal. When people talk about forgiveness, they’re often really asking victims to accept abuse and move on. This creates more harm and trauma for victims who need protection, understanding, and support. There are 19 types of emotional abuse. Most abusers refuse to admit that what they did was abusive. To see if you’re husband has been emotionally abusive to you, take our free emotional abuse quiz. If Forgiveness Matters To You, Keep This In Mind If forgiveness is important to you, it’s okay to redefine what it means. Instead of reconciliation, think of forgiveness as “letting go.” Let go of the relationship if it’s necessary for your emotional or physical safety. Let go of self-blame by recognizing that the abuse is not your fault, no matter what the abuser may have said or done. Hold on to justice and accountability. It’s healthy to desire safety and justice. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting what happened or allowing further harm. It’s about taking care of you. How To Support A Victim When An Abuser Denies His Abuse If you’re supporting someone who has experienced abuse and are tempted to suggest forgiveness, consider saying these things instead: “What can we do to make sure you’re safe?” “Do you want to hold him accountable? How can I help with that?” “How safe do you feel right now?” “What resources do you need to feel supported and functional?” By asking these questions, you’re shifting the focus to the victim’s needs and reinforcing her right to safety and healing. Remember, when an abuser denies their actions, it doesn’t erase the victim’s experience. Abusers may never admit to the harm they caused, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t cause harm. In fact, denying what happened amounts to more emotional and psychological abuse and causes even more harm. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know how painful dismissal and minimization are by others. When they repeatedly tell you to try to forgive the abuser – it’s excruciating to try to explain yourself over and over. Our Group Sessions are a safe place to process your feelings, because we get it right away. Attend a Group Session today. Transcript: What To Do When An Abuser Denies His Abuse Anne: I have Annie on today’s episode, she’s a member of our community. And a mom of three beautiful kids. She was raised in a conservative Mennonite church. And she’s passionate about talking about her experiences with sexual and religious abuse, and all the challenges she faced. Annie follows us on social media, and she comments on social media posts. You can find us on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube. Anyway, she commented about someone else’s post about forgiveness. They claimed forgiveness is what restores relationships. And so these questions come up: How do you forgive an abuser when they deny it was abuse? Is forgiveness, even an option without repentance? Because the post she commented on said forgiveness is the key to restoring relationships. It did not say accountability is the key to restoring relationships. And to be accountable, the abuser would have to admit the abuse. So Annie, when you saw that post and you were like, this is not right. If the abuser denies the abuse, we shouldn’t be talking about forgiveness. This is part of knowing if an apology is genuine. Can you talk about your thoughts when you saw this post on social media? About how it was your job as a victim to restore the relationship with your abuser. Annie’s Personal Story Of Abuse Annie: So as a young adult, memories of sexual assault from various sources began to surface for me. A group of male adults from the Amish and Mennonite culture group raped me as a very young child. As a result, I grew up in a culture where forgiveness was something preached and taught. But it was the kind of forgiveness where everything was back to normal. It was basically the abuser denies it and everyone moves on. If I can put it that way, nothing is done. So that’s how I grew up, and for many years I did not even remember what happened to me. Because trauma can cause somebody to disassociate for obvious reasons, in order to survive. I was no exception with that. It wasn’t until I moved away and got married that all those trauma memories began to resurface for me. Then I started asking questions like, what does forgiveness look like? Because the first time I told someone my story about what happened to me as a child, They told me I needed to become a victor and not a victim. And that I needed to forgive. And the forgiveness basically meant

When your husband doesn’t help with housework, it’s important to understand how it might impact you. Sometimes his refusal to do housework is a sign of emotional abuse. To discover if he’s using any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free abuse quiz. Transcript: When Your Husband Doesn’t Help With Housework Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about what happens when your husband doesn’t help with the housework. When he fails to help with household responsibilities, it forces you to shoulder a heavy burden alone. The situation feels overwhelming. Before we dive into solutions, we need to discuss why this problem happens so often. We’ll examine societal norms, historical dynamics, and personal beliefs. So let’s get into it. Historically, many cultures have perpetuated the idea that housework is “women’s work.” And this notion is rooted in the systemic exploitation of women throughout time. This belief persists often unexamined, allowing unequal dynamics to thrive in households. Misogyny, whether overt or subtle, plays a role in enabling the unequal distribution of labor this is a powerful truth about emotional abuse. Women do about 70% of the world’s work. Unfair systems have exploited women since the beginning of time, so society teaches men to expect women to handle most housework and family responsibilities. If your husband avoids chores, remember this goes beyond cleaning—it’s about fairness. When I grew up in my faith, people said household tasks held divine importance. They claimed these tasks were special and that women who did them were lucky. I disagree. Someone needs to do the laundry. The dishes need to be washed. Someone needs to buy the groceries. Someone needs to make the meals. These tasks are not special. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJiQXyHCejw The Importance Of Shared Responsibilities Anne: If someone avoids housework, problems pile up. Your house becomes a disaster. Nobody feeds anyone. Nobody stocks the fridge with food. This work matters, but anyone can do it. I mean, you’ve seen 9 to 5 or Mad Men. The women worked hard at the office, but the men claimed all the credit and earned the bulk of the pay. And THEN women handled all the chores once they got home. When we discuss an imbalance of labor, we must address issues of power and privilege. Many men who resist housework often exploit their partners by placing the burden of domestic responsibilities solely on them, failing to acknowledge their exploitative privilege and unequal division of labor within the household. Abusive men often believe that asking them to contribute equally in a relationship or help around the house attacks their identity as men. All marriages must prioritize safety. But being pro-safety doesn’t oppose marriage. Marriage exists to create a safe and equal partnership. When I educate others about these imbalances and encourage women to advocate for equality in their homes, men with exploitative privilege often push back. They claim discussions about equality attack families or go against Christianity. From my Christian perspective, I see this conversation as aligning with my values, because Christ taught love and equality. The scriptures never condone exploiting women or expecting them to handle all the housework alone. Christian Perspective On Equality Anne: In the scripture where Christ talks about Mary and Martha, He says Mary chose the better part. She didn’t do household work; she focused on desk work, like writing or thinking. The New Testament highlights the fruits of the spirit as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and gentleness. Both men and women must embody these values in their homes and marriages. When your husband doesn’t help with housework, it’s not a matter of biblical roles or faith. In fact biblical submission often becomes abuse. It’s simply about power and control, because inequality thrives when one group benefits at the expense of another. And while some misuse scripture to justify this power imbalance, Jesus himself modeled a different way. He rejected exploitation and dominance, teaching that true leadership and love come through service. So if your husband claims to follow Christ, his actions should reflect a man who strives to live out his faith, as a Christian. He would not just serve in grand gestures or in public. But he would help with laundry, clean the kitchen, and pick up without complaining or prompting. Jesus himself demonstrated servant leadership, washing his disciples’ feet. In today’s world, it’s comparable to everyday tasks like wiping down countertops or cleaning the bathroom. Jesus says, “Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” – Revelation 3:20. His nature is invitation and par

Psychological abuse is so insidious victims often cannot identify that they are a victim. If your husband has used psychological abuse to hide his infidelity or other harmful behavior, here’s what you need to know. If you relate, take our free psychological abuse quiz. Psychological Abuse Definition & Symptoms Psychological abuse is a form of emotional and mental harm inflicted that is often so subtle it’s almost impossible to recognize. Tactics of psychological abuse include lying, manipulation, gaslighting to alter a woman’s sense of reality. Victims of psychological abuse may experience: Brain fog Sleep issues Digestive issues Chronic pain Autoimmune disorders Pelvic pain Nightmares Headaches Poor immune function . . . and more. Psychological abuse effects victims in profound ways. Psychological Abuse Takes A Toll On Our Mental Health Victims of psychological abuse in our community have reported mental health symptoms like, Depression Anxiety Apathy Eating disorders Obsessive thoughts Religious scrupulosity Terror Panic attacks Victims of psychological abuse face the societal obstacle of not having any bruises to show how deeply the abuse wounds them.If you’re a victim of psychological abuse, or wonder if you may be a victim of psychological abuse, please attend a BTR.ORG Group Session as soon as possible. You deserve validation and support as you begin your journey to safety. Transcript: The Effects Of Psychological Abuse On A Woman Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Christine. She’s a traveling nurse and mother of five children. Her children range in age from four to 23 years old. She’s been with this husband for seven years. And this is her third marriage. So we will learn about her story today. Welcome. Christine: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so glad to be here. Anne: We’re happy to have you. You’ve been married three times. Would you describe all three of your marriages as psychologically abusive? Christine: Um, sadly, yes, but I did not know that until going through this current marriage and all the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources. I did not realize they were abusive. Anne: For your first two, where you got a divorce, looking back now. Oh, that’s what the cause was, but you didn’t know until Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Christine: That is true. My first one, I was young, and he ended up abandoning us. I always thought I wasn’t enough, you know, to keep him happy and here. And then going through Betrayal Trauma Recovery, I realized, Oh my gosh, he was gaslighting the whole time. Anne: And gaslighting really is the number one indicator of psychological abuse. Christine: Yeah, this is real stuff. So Betrayal Trauma Recovery gave me the freedom to let that go. Second Marriage & Physical Abuse Christine: And then my second marriage, sadly, because I had children from my first marriage, and my second marriage, my husband, became physically abusive to them. So that, of course, I knew that one was abusive. I ended up leaving him and getting a divorce for the safety of my children. So about a year and a half into my relationship with my current husband, it was just a train wreck. I found out the week after I told him I was pregnant with our son, that he watches pornography every day, several times a day. It was just a total train wreck. I was crying and feeling desperate, searching on the internet to find some supportive words or something. And I came across the Betrayal Trauma Recovery listing on the website for gaslighting. It was the first time I heard the term gaslighting. And then it just blossomed from there. Going to BTR.ORG and finding the books, reading through them, and listening to your podcasts. Anne: So you’re familiar with my voice. It’s so horrible how infidelity does so much harm. Christine: Yes, you’ve been my best friend for so many years and you don’t even know. Anne: I’m so happy to hear that and so sorry to hear that at the same time. Impact On Health & Sleep Christine: One of the things I lost through this was the ability to sleep or rest at all. I would go to the doctor, and my blood pressure would be normal on the top, but the bottom number would be so high. And they’re like, your body’s just not relaxing, you know? And so I would listen to your podcast, and I would have to listen to them just to find sleep at night. Because the torment is so deep and so continuous. You never get rest from it, but your voice would bring me to a place where I could actually get some sleep. Anne: Psychological and emotional abuse affects your body so much. Oh, that is such good news. My ex-husband would disagree with you. Well, I’m so glad you’re here to share your story. We’re going to focus today on her third marriage. So her current marriage. Did you recognize his behaviors as psychological abu

If you’re a woman trying to make sense of your husband’s behavior or struggling with feelings of worth tied to how you look, understanding what is featurism might bring much-needed clarity. Here are 3 things to know. To know if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of abuse, take our free abuse quiz. Featurism, also known as feature-based discrimination, is the practice of valuing and prioritizing certain physical features over others. Featurism is when people think certain looks, like skin color, body shape, or facial features, make someone more important than a person without those features. If your husband is the type to objectify women, he may treat you poorly and tell you it’s because you lack certain physical features. 1. Featurism Affects Women From All Backgrounds But Hits African-American Women The Hardest Featurism is a form of discrimination that judges a person’s value or beauty based on specific physical features. For example, preferences for Eurocentric features, such as straighter hair textures or smaller facial features, over others. Unfortunately, this form of discrimination disproportionately impacts African-American women, tying into an already lengthy history of systemic bias and racism. While featurism explicitly highlights inequity, it also causes harm across all demographics. Any woman, no matter her background, can feel reduced to her physical appearance, and this judgment often feeds into insecurities and self-doubt. When it comes to women in abusive relationships, these insecurities can be manipulated and exploited by their partners. An abusive husband might compare a woman to societal ideals or even other women. Saying things like, “I’m not attracted to you since you gained weight.” Or “I’m not interested in you since you cut your hair.” His goal is to objectify systematically and lower a woman’s confidence. That’s his goal. 2. Featurism Is Used To Exploit Women By Manipulation Abusive men often weaponize featurism to make women feel they have to hustle for love, respect, or even basic decency. The goal? To keep her feeling unworthy, ensuring she over compensates “proves” her worth. Through her domestic labor, emotional availability, or even sex on his terms. This manipulation might sound subtle, but could look like this in real life: He convinces her she needs to look a certain way to “deserve” his affection, leading to excessive dieting, grooming, or even cosmetic procedures. He may say things like, “If you just put in more effort, I’d be more interested in you,” while continuing to withhold love or affection, regardless of her efforts. Over time, this creates a toxic cycle where the woman feels she must constantly do more to measure up, to satisfy someone who will never truly be satisfied. It’s an intentional control strategy designed to exhaust and weaken. You need support If he’s oppressing you by his exploitation. Check out our daily online Group Session schedule. 3. What Is Featurism? Objectifying Women Is A Tactic to Keep Them Oppressed Featurism is a long-standing societal tendency to reduce women to their physical attributes, framing them as objects rather than fully realized individuals. For abusive men, this is an effective way to maintain control. By keeping a woman focused on external validation, he ensures she doesn’t focus on anything that threatens his authority—like her career, self-worth, or independence. If your husband judges your worth based on your appearance alone, it will chip away at your sense of self and keep you stuck in a constant state of trying to “meet expectations.” Featurism doesn’t just affect women married to narcissistic men, it obstructs equality at large. Women’s contributions, intelligence, and potential become overshadowed by their physical appearance, restricting their progress both at home and in the workplace. Featurism is often a hidden tactic within larger patterns of emotional abuse and control. When you recognize how he uses it to manipulate and oppress is a powerful first step toward reclaiming your confidence and freedom. You deserve to feel valued for who you are, not just how you look. To learn how to deal with this type of abuse in a strategic way, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Transcript: What Is Featurism? Anne: We’re going to talk about that today with Dr. Jones. Featurism is basically the practice of valuing or prioritizing certain physical features over others. Dr. Natalie Jones is here to talk about some of these issues. She received her Master’s in Clinical Counseling Psychology and her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology. Welcome, Dr. Jones. Natalie: Thanks for having me on. My dissertation study was on African American women. Their parents psychologically abused them while growing up. And I identified certain elements of narcissistic abuse. Some examples would be colorism and featurism. Colorism, goes w

Is crying yourself to sleep almost every night normal? Is marriage meant to be hard? We’ll get to the answer. And in the meantime, consider that you may be experiencing emotional abuse. To find out, take our free emotional abuse quiz. The Myth That Marriage Is Meant To Be Hard Enables Abuse The old “marriage is hard” trope enables abusers. When clergy, family, therapists, and others advise women struggling in abusive situations, they answer the question, “Is marriage meant to be hard?”” By saying that all marriages are difficult, all men demand sex, and all women are enduring some level of misery. Victims may feel they aren’t justified to seek safety. The truth? Healthy marriages are a safe space from the pain, fatigue, and trauma of life. Healthy marriages do not cause pain, fatigue, and trauma. https://youtu.be/_Ct_-FuCnYo So What’s “Normal” Marriage Meant To Be Like? Many women fear that abuse has altered their perception of “normal” and “healthy.” Answering the question “Is marriage meant to be hard?” with a yes prevents them from recognizing a healthy relationship. This list may help you if you are having trouble identifying abusive behaviors in your relationships: Gaslighting is abuse Yelling is abuse Punching walls, hitting objects, and slamming doors is abuse Hurting or threatening pets is abuse Coercing you into sex is abuse Having sex with you when you’re sleeping, using painkillers, or feeling sick is abuse Giving you an STD is abuse Humiliating you is abuse Having sex with you without your informed consent (including about his pornography use or other sexual behaviors) is abuse Shaming you by using scriptures, talks, or other religious materials is abuse Lying to other people about you is abuse This list is not exhaustive, but may help identify covert abuse in your relationship. Is Your Marriage Harder Than It Should Be? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know that the first instinct women usually experience is a desire to point it out to the abuser, and try to elicit him to change. We also know that this doesn’t work and puts the victim in more danger – emotionally, sexually, and physically. We’re here for you. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are specifically created for women who need a safe space to process trauma, ask questions, and find a community of women in similar situations. You’re not alone. Transcript: Is Marriage Meant To Be Hard? Anne: I have a member of our community, Elizabeth, on today’s episode. She’s a wife and mom, and survivor of a 14 year abusive marriage. She’s a writer working in the advertising industry. Outside of her career, Elizabeth works as a grant writer for Human Trafficking Restoration House, and as a leader for her church youth group. She enjoys working out, being outside, and caring for her energetic German shepherd. Welcome Elizabeth. Elizabeth: Anne, thank you so much for having me. Anne: Elizabeth talked about how this is an opportunity to process her experience in story form. Before we started recording. I’m excited to be part of that process with her, and hopefully this will be a good experience as she shares. Is this one of the first times you’ve publicly shared your story, Elizabeth? Elizabeth: Yes. It’s the first time. There are very few people in my life with whom I’ve shared the full experience. Anne: Let’s start at the very beginning. Elizabeth: My parents were part of an arranged marriage through the Unification Church cult. They married in Madison Square Garden with a bunch of other people. They had five kids. I’m the second oldest. I have two brothers and two sisters. Growing up, it was just a lot of chaos. I didn’t know, is marriage meant to be hard? My parents were not in a good space emotionally or mentally. They both had rough upbringings. Struggles With Mental & Physical Abuse Elizabeth: My mom was overtly mentally ill and also had a lot of physical problems. Is marriage meant to be hard? Mom’s illness caused many conversations about, “what’s Mom’s mood today?” We always watched what she was feeling, because if things were not going well for her, that meant bad things for us. There was a lot of mental and physical abuse in that situation. Our parents left us alone a lot. We banded together and worked together to survive. My dad worked on Capitol Hill in the eighties. He would commute into Washington, DC and leave us out in West Virginia in the panhandle country, in the side of a mountain with my mom who was homeschooling us. So we didn’t have much contact with the outside world, other than play groups sometimes. I always had this sense that there were these other families that were normal. I looked at other families. It always seemed like we were so different. Their mom seemed to care for their kids and would ac

Did you know that emotional abuse and infidelity always happen together? If your husband has been unfaithful, take this free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse that occurs with infidelity. Why Infidelity is Emotionally Abusive If he’s unfaithful, he’ll subtly pretend like he’s not the type to be unfaithful, which is emotional abuse. If he’s cheated on you, but he’s said anything like the statements below, he’s emotionally abusive: Showing immense (false) compassion for women who have been cheated on Showing immense (false) compassion for men who have cheated on their wives, offering spiritual, religious, or emotional support to them and offering to be his “good husband” mentor or supporting the guy on his “journey to change” Bearing testimony or other public forms of admission of their prior life as a cheater (even if it was last week); Enrolling in or starting a program to help unfaithful men change (becoming a life coach, abuse coach, new-age coach, fitness coach, counselor, therapist, 12-step sponsor, religious leader, becoming active or more active in church communities, yoga guru, cult leader, social media influencer, or self-published author) Insisting that others do not label them as previous or currently “abusive”, but rather someone who used to be a sinner or some other euphemism, even though he’s still lying and manipulating everyone around him If they’re unable to find success, they often claim it’s because they are victims. Those who ruined their reputations thwart them. Perhaps their faith community excommunicated them or they lost credibility in their community due to an arrest. Emotional Abuse and Infidelity May Sound Like This Be warned: If he says, “Don’t worry, if you choose to divorce, I understand. I’ll always take care of you and make sure you and the kids are provided for no matter what you decide,” there is a HIGH probability he’s grooming you. Abusers use this line to find out if the victim is seeking a divorce. They know it’s in your best interest to keep your decisions private until you’re ready to take action. This is one reason why you should prepare for divorce. If he says these words, hear what he’s ACTUALLY saying, “I’m manipulating you to stay. Or so I can know what moves your going to make first, so I can railroad you in divorce.” We know the shock and pain of realizing he’s not actually changing, but just manipulating you into believing he’s changing – by playing up his public images and making promises he doesn’t intend to keep. You’re not alone. We can help you determine if he’s truly changing. Attend our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions and find the safe community you need. Transcript: Emotional Abuse and Infidelity: Why You Can’t Have One Without The Other Anne: So it’s going to be me today on the podcast talking about emotional abuse and infidelity. I had an abuser contact me and say he liked the podcast. He has some questions, and he wanted to come on the podcast to talk to me about it. And I was like, Hmm, I’m not going to have you on the podcast. Let me see if I can address these questions and also the entitlements behind them. His first question is, if every man says I used to look at pornography, but I no longer do, is lying. What I hear is that Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it, which leads me to the challenge of withholding the truth, which is what I was doing and no longer want to do anymore. I don’t understand what he’s saying here. Anne does not want any men in recovery to discuss it. I don’t remember saying that. If I did, it was taken out of context. And then he goes on to say, Or why should any man even try to stop because there is no hope? And once an abuser, always forever will be an abuser, a lying pornography user. In other words, as a listener, an abuser trying to work recovery, I am receiving a mixed signal. So do I think a man should discuss it? Yes or no? What I’m concerned about is grooming with a goal. So I hope abusers do not listen to this podcast. First of all, it’s not for them. It’s to keep women safe. And I don’t want to give abusers a checklist of things to do to appear safe when they are not. Observing Actions Over Words Anne: The thing that concerns me is any talk. Whether it’s about what they used to do or what they’re working on not doing now, as grooming. I am not opposed to honesty. But what is the intent of the honesty? Is it a fake sort of vulnerable honesty to give the victim the impression that he’s honest? He told me these certain things. Not realizing that there are many other things that he’s keeping secret when he uses emotional abuse to cover up infidelity. The whole t

If you’re thinking about divorce or recently divorced, you may wonder, “Do good men exist?” Here’s what to consider if you’re worried about being single. To learn more about emotional abuse, before you consider dating again, take our free emotional abuse test. Transcript: Do Good Men Exist? Anne: I’m more than excited to have my friend Gretchen Baskerville on today’s episode. She’s a Christian living in the Los Angeles area. She’s been doing Christian divorce recovery ministry in churches since 1998. She hears many, many heartbreaking stories of betrayal and abuse, as you can imagine. We’re talking about do good men exist. And from her experience, she’s found that many Christian women married serial cheaters. Or men who are cheating or physically or emotionally abusive. These women tend to try to fix their marriage. They pray, they forgive, they go to counseling. One of the reasons is because they want to be married they are wondering if any good men even exist. They think I better make it work with this guy. They’re terrified to be single. Because I don’t want to be single, and it’s going to be too hard for me to find a good man. At the end, we’re going to address the question, do good men exist? And we’re going to start by talking about a different way to reframe being single. Welcome Gretchen. Gretchen: It’s so great to be with you again, Anne. Anne: Lately, when people say God hates divorce, or when I hear that statement, I think of you. And then I say, God loves divorce. And I just come back at them with that and say, what are you talking about? God loves divorce because he loves me. And it set me free. Divorce delivered me from wickedness. It delivered me from abuse. And I’m grateful to be divorced, and actually proud of it. Gretchen: You just said how happy you were to be divorced. The Hard Decision Of Divorce & Myths Gretchen: And I truly look back now, 25 years later and say, divorce is the hardest decision I ever made. But it was also one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. And because we as Christians, as people of devout faith, we take marriage very, very seriously. We don’t believe in I’m bored divorces or I miss the party life divorces. We hang in there. And we hang in there oftentimes longer than is good for us and for our children. As a devout person of faith. I am against frivolous divorce, but I am 100% in favor of life saving divorces because it saves the life of parents and children. So let’s jump into those myths. I think the first myth, especially as a person of faith, at least in my upbringing, was you’re really nothing without a husband. After going through trauma you may wonder, do good men exist? You don’t have an identity without a man. For those biblically oriented, I would say there are plenty of women who are heroines in their own right in the Bible. So, for example, Ruth is already a heroine before meeting Boaz. Deborah, Abigail, Dorcas, look at the midwives in the story of Moses’ birth. I mean, they were amazing. They stood against the great pharaoh of Egypt. As I came through this, and of course the first two years of divorce, my life was just topsy turvy. I just didn’t know which way was up. I was really numb for the first six months. And I started reading single women’s missionary biographies. I know that sounds crazy, I’m sure you’ve got some on your reading list. Societal Pressures & Misconceptions Gretchen: They were so inspiring to me, because here are these women who go to some foreign country and are virtually alone. They have very little support, and because they’re not married, they don’t fit into any society. And yet they do amazing things. I soaked myself in these kinds of stories. I realized, God called plenty of women to do great things. And God didn’t call us to stay in these marriages to enable sin, cover up sin, pretend sin didn’t exist, what you call wickedness. He didn’t call us to bring up our children in a wicked home. My first myth is that you’re nothing without a husband. I think it’s just false, because the Lord uses people wherever they are. and he empowers and strengthens. He didn’t put us on this planet to cover up sin. Anne: I did not marry until I turned 30, almost 31. I’ve only been married once, and I remember vividly right after high school, I worked at a video store. A woman from my church came in. And she said, Oh, who are you dating? I said, I’m not dating anybody right now. And she said, Oh, I’m so sorry. You don’t have a life. Gretchen: Oh my. Anne: And I remember thinking, I’m going to graduate from college. What are you talking about? That I don’t have a life. I have friends. I have interests. Am I literally nothing to you? Because I don’t have a boyfriend? And that i

Are you wondering if there’s something wrong with your husband or boyfriend? Here are 5 silent red flags in a relationship that you need to know. If you relate to this episode, did you know that there are 19 types of emotional abuse? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing this. 1. Coming On Strong Early On Like most red flags, abusers will often come on very strong early on. In Ayla’s case, her abuser immediately began to love-bomb her with attention, a job offer, flattery, and affection. Abusers may: Tell you they love you Ask you to be in a committed relationship Initiate sex Propose Ask you to meet their family Give you money or ask you for money Divulge “secrets” early on in order to “bond” with you – but later you may find out these were lies 2. Isolating You (It’ll Seem Romantic At First) The second red flag in a relationship is isolation. It may be hard to spot, because it can be camouflaged romantically. Abusers isolate victims by usurping their time. They spend every waking moment with the victim, which can feel romantic. They may condition the victim to feel dependent on them OR tell the victim that they (the abuser) are emotionally dependent on the victim. Abusers often take up so much emotional and physical space. Isolation can extend to a physical move to where the victim doesn’t have any friends or family. 3. Pushing You To Have A Child With Them Interestingly, abusers often request and then push for the victim to bear their child. This is a of the silent red flags in a relationship. Many abusers want their victims to get pregnant, because it’s a way for him to basically control you the rest of your life. If he is talking about having a child with you early on, or after you have expressed hesitation, consider this a red flag. Having a child with someone legally ties you to them until the child is eighteen. This is a sure-fire way for the abuser to have contact with you and a degree of control in your life and the child’s life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvxpK9yloco 4. “You’re Saving Me” (Also Romantic At First) Another silent red flags in a relationship is that the abuser may use phrases like: I didn’t know what I needed until you came along. I felt this void until you were here, now I feel whole. When I’m not with you I feel empty. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until I met you. I need you. I’m not okay without you. Now that I have you, I’ll be able to be a better man. Ayla’s abuser coupled this “You are my savior” red flag with isolation when he moved their small family to the mountains. 5. Spending Time Studying Resources About How To Abuse Women (Calling You Out, Robert Greene) One scary red flags in a relationship rarely discussed is the insidious and calculated effort that abusers take to learn how to abuse women. Books like The 48 Laws of Power and The Art of Seduction by the psychopathic author Robert Greene literally teach men how to coerce and abuse women. In Ayla’s situation, her abuser studied these books and used the tactics to brainwash and manipulate her. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: 5 Silent Red Flags In A Relationship Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Ayla. She’s going to be sharing her story. As she shares her story, I’m going to be pointing out 5 silent red flags in a relationship you need to know. Welcome Ayla. Ayla: Thank you so much. It’s an honor to be here and I look forward to talking with you today and the rest of the community. Anne: So let’s start with your story. Did you recognize his abusive behaviors at first? Ayla: At first, no. It was definitely one of those what seemed like a destined type of meeting. It was definitely more like a fairy tale at first. I was working at a ski resort. And he was a tourist with his extravagantly rich friend, who had talked me into joining in a supposed “business opportunity” with a non-profit. They totally stole my heart with that to convince me to quit my job there in the ski resort and then start this non profit. Which after a month or two I realized was a complete scam and setup. Everything was hyperspeed, and that was another thing, now in retrospect, that was a red flag warning that I didn’t understand at the time. Technically, he stalked me. I didn’t put two and two together. I just thought he enjoyed my company. He wanted to help me get into a better financial opportunity with this non-profit that they were promising me. The First Red Flag: Grooming Anne: So that’s the first one of the silent red flags in a relationship, is coming on strong, early on, otherwise known as grooming. Where things happen very, very quickly. Then you leave your job and end up m

Most people think emotional battering as something that is obvious. They imagine yelling, insults, or open cruelty. But in many marriages, emotional battering is far quieter, and far more confusing, because it often hides behind what looks like kindness. From the outside, he looks like a great guy. And yet, his wife appears to be the problem, because no one else can see what’s actually happening. That’s the invisible nature of emotional battering. It’s not that a woman doesn’t know something is wrong. She does. Her body knows. Her instincts know. What’s missing is not her awareness, it’s recognition from the people around her. They’re responding to his image, not his patterns. To learn if you are a victim of emotional battering, take this free emotional abuse quiz. When emotional battering is covert, each moment looks harmless on its own. A comment. A gesture. A joke. A “nice” surprise. But when you step back and look at the pattern, a very different story emerges—one where boundaries are crossed, reality is undermined, and her reactions are used as evidence against her. Once you understand these patterns, the confusion lifts. Her responses stop looking irrational. They start looking like what they are: normal, protective reactions to ongoing emotional harm. SEVEN SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL BATTERING Here are seven signs of emotional battering that often go unnoticed, especially when the husband looks like a great guy to everyone else. Her reactions don’t match his gestures. He is doing something that seems nice, but she seems genuinely distressed. It usually means she senses something that other people can’t. If she seems on edge around his kindness. She flinches at affection or looks uneasy when he is charming, it’s usually because she knows that kindness is hiding something that isn’t so kind. If she watches him carefully, she’s probably gauging risk. Hyperawareness is an emotional survival skill. So if she’s being emotionally battered, it’s totally normal that she’s gonna be on high alert for emotional manipulation. Feeling relief when you are away from him is a powerful indicator that something’s really wrong in your marriage. She apologizes for things that don’t require an apology. If she’s apologizing for just stating her opinion, or talking about how she feels, it’s highly likely that she’s experiencing emotional battering. She adjusts herself to constantly keep the peace. His lies that she’s doing something wrong are part of the emotional battering. Her friends notice that she’s not quite herself around him. A woman who’s trying to make herself smaller is not loved in marriage. If she seems quieter or less alive in his presence, that’s a sign that her husband is emotionally battering her. WHAT IS EMOTIONAL BATTERING? Emotional battering is a consistent pattern of words, actions, or behaviors intended to diminish, manipulate, or control a person. Unlike physical abuse, emotional battering is more subtle and insidious—making it difficult to identify and even harder to explain to others. Many women quietly find themselves wondering, is my husband abusing me, because there are no bruises to point to. Instead, he may lie constantly, manipulate you through kindness or performative loving acts, invalidate your feelings, or slowly erode your confidence with steady criticism and contempt. Worse, he may involve others, so you experience emotional battering from people in your church congregation or even neighbors. If you’re experiencing emotional battering from by-standers regarding your husband’s behavior, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. COMMON EMOTIONAL BATTERING TACTICS Being married and experiencing emotional battering by your husband means navigating daily complexities that are draining and painful. Some common tactics include: Gaslighting: Making you question your memory, reality, or perceptions. For example, he may say, “I never said that,” even when you vividly remember he did. Constant Criticism: Regularly pointing out flaws, whether it’s your cooking, appearance, or parenting, to damage your confidence. Blame Shifting: Over time, you may find yourself thinking, my husband says I’m the problem, because he consistently redirects accountability onto you instead of addressing his own actions. Stonewalling or Silent Treatment: Refusing to engage in meaningful conversations, leaving you feeling invalidated and powerless. Public Embarrassment: Mocking or undermining you in front of friends or family to isolate you and damage your self-esteem. Emotional Withholding: Withholding affection, love, or support to punish or control you. HOW OTHERS MAY BE PULLED INTO EMOTIONAL BATTERING Often, emotionally abusive men are charming to others but cruel behind closed doors. This charm can lead others—friends, family, or even counselors—to unknowingly contribute to your emo

Many women turn to clergy to ask, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” If you’ve been looking to God or clergy for answers (or even friends and family), here’s the truth no one will say out loud. The shocking truth might be that you’re also experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: Should You Stay Married After Infidelity? Anne: Women go to clergy, they go to therapists, they go to their family to ask the question, “Should you stay married after infidelity?” Sometimes they just ask Google, even if you’re not religious, this episode will still help you. However, I totally understand. If you are not in the mood to hear a parable from the Bible. Even though I am telling a parable from the Bible today, I invite you if you’re atheist or agnostic to stick around to listen to the principles that I’m gonna talk about. The principles will apply regardless of your paradigm or faith, whether you’re religious, or what religion you practice. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, everyone is welcome. I share from my own faith perspective, because this is how I’ve learned so many principles. But I think the principles are universal truths that apply in any situation. And I do not want to proselyte or convert anybody to Christianity. You are welcome here as you are. What is the shocking truth about infidelity that no one wants to talk about? It is that infidelity is emotional and psychological abuse. So when it comes to deciding if you should stay married, there are some universal principles that I learned by studying Christ’s parables. And this parable is in Luke 18. I use the King James version of the Bible. I find it a little more vague than some newer translations. The vagueness helps me pray, concentrate, and interpret it the way I think God would want me to interpret it right now in our time. The Unjust Judge Anne: The parable of the unjust judge is interesting, because I think Jesus would like people in authority, so clergy or the court system, to help victims of abuse. It’s specifically about a widow. Whenever I read about widows in the scriptures, I, of course, because of the podcast and because of what I do, envision abuse widows. Or women who are widows through no fault of their own. Their husband or ex-husband might still be alive, but they are left alone, and they are unprotected and not provided for by their husbands. In essence, they have been abandoned even if their husband or ex-husband is still alive. In ancient times, women did not have the ability to make money. They were essentially enslaved to their husbands, and if they did make money, their husbands could take it. If they got divorced, their husbands would take their children, and they had no rights. They were considered the property of their husbands. It’s interesting to me that Jesus is so concerned with widows and women. Luke 18 starts with, “And he spake a parable unto them to this end, that men ought always to pray and not to faint.” Now, I interpret that to mean stay close to the spirit and the not faint part to confront evil or wrongdoing. And actually do something about it, to take action to relieve suffering. In verse 2, it says, “Saying, There was in the city a judge, which feared not God. The Judge’s Indifference Anne: So this is not a judge concerned about right and wrong. He’s not a judge worried about it. And then it says, “neither regarded man:” meaning he also didn’t care about people. He was just a jerk. This is not a good person. He’s not concerned with women. He’s not concerned with justice. Who knows why he’s a judge, but this judge is unjust. Verse 3, “And there was a widow in that city; and she came unto him, saying, Avenge me of mine adversary.” Now, let’s take this to mean the person who made her a widow. And in our case, the person who made us a widow would be our husband or ex-husband. We have been rendered protector less or provider less due to his actions. Emotionally, psychologically, financially, our husbands have essentially abandoned and oppressed us. So she wants help. She’s going to this judge and saying, I need help. Not just avenge me of my adversary. But, most likely, help me. I need help, I need financial help. And maybe need help with my children. My husband is abusing or persecuting me. I need help. Please help me. Verse 4 “And he [meaning the judge] would not for a while: but afterward he said within himself, Though I fear not God, nor regard man; Verse 5 “Yet, because this widow troubleth me, I will avenge her, lest by her continual coming she weary me.” So essentially, this judge is like, I don’t want to do anything. She’s driving me crazy. But she keeps coming back to bother

If you searched “is watching porn cheating” you’re probably looking for clarity. Because for a woman who have just discovered what her husband has been secretly doing with his time, it feels like a betrayal because it is. It’s a betrayal if her husband is sharing his energy, attention, and loyalty with other women (thousands of them online). This episode is a two-part conversation with experts from the National Center on Sexual Exploitation. This article answers the question: is watching porn cheating? But it also answers the question underneath it: “Why does my husband’s use of inappropriate media hurt me so much… even apparently all men do it.” Quick answer: Is watching porn cheating? In marriage, yes. Because it meets the basic definition of cheating: He is engaging in sexual behavior outside the marriage, directed toward other people, often in secret, while withholding truth from his wife and expecting ongoing access to her trust, body, and partnership. And your gut response to think that he’s cheating is logical. In fact, it’s how most women feel. I’ve interviewed over 200 women who told me how terrible it felt to find out about all his lies, including his lies about how he’s been spending his time online. Over the last almost two decades, my team has helped over 8,000 women thrive after betrayal. So here’s what we know: Is watching porn cheating? yes. here’s Why Below is the “wife-brain” list, the one that finally puts words to what you already know. 1) It’s Intimate access to other women If your husband is getting stimulation from other women’s bodies, watching them, searching them, he’s directing intimate attention outside the marriage. He may argue “it’s not real.” But your marriage is real. Your nervous system knows what it means when the man you married is aroused by other women. 2) It’s almost always built on secrecy and secrecy is betrayal I interviewed Christen Price, an attorney at The NCOSE and we talked about how the strongest tactic of coercive control is lying to maintain power and a preferred narrative. For many wives asking “is watching porn cheating”, their husband’s use of innappropriate media comes with: hidden accounts secret apps erased histories minimized language (“it was just a little”) anger or mockery when confronted That isn’t “privacy.” That’s deception, which is an obvious marker of cheating. 3) It removes your informed consent inside the marriage This is the piece many women can’t explain, so they blame themselves. But here’s what’s really going on. Women generally consent to a marriage with a certain set of sexual boundaries they expect both partners share. If he’s not staying inside those boundaries (but lying about it), she’s not able to consent, either to the relationship itself or to intimacy in the relationship. She’s being kept in the dark so he can keep living a double life. Because he wants to keep the benefits of the relationship, without staying within the boundaries. That’s not partnership. That’s exploitation. 4) It’s not “just content.” It’s Actually Evidence of Abuse in my interview, Christen defines image-based sexual abuse (IBSA) as the creation, threat, sharing, or use of sexual images/videos without consent or for exploitation. And then she lists what falls under that umbrella: sextortion nonconsensual sharing (often called “revenge porn”) hidden-camera recordings (locker rooms, showers, bedrooms, hotel rooms) “upskirting/downblousing” AI-generated or manipulated sexual images made from real photos harassment using sexual content Here’s the gut-punch for wives: Her husband is watching other women being abused. So when a husband says, “I would never hurt anyone,” the reality is watching inappropriate media means he’s supporting an industry that is based on the abuse of women. 5) It’s relational infidelity—he’s bonding Sexually outside the marriage Even when there’s no emotional “relationship” with a specific person, there’s still a pattern: He goes to a screen for arousal and release. And you—the real wife—are left with: distance disconnection irritation sexual pressure “Why do I feel like I’m competing with strangers?” If he is pouring his sexual energy elsewhere, that’s infidelity. 6) It often comes with gaslighting: “You’re the problem” Of course a husband using inappropriate media wants to maintain the narrative “I’m a good guy.” That’s why he lies about it. So when women are hurt by these lies, she gets labeled: insecure controlling prudish too sensitive the reason he does it That type of gaslighting is emotional abuse. To learn more and to see if you’re experiencing this type of emotional abuse, take my free emotional abuse test. 7) It puts wives at real risk, sometimes criminal risk In helping women face this type of betrayal for almost two decades, I’ve heard some chillingly specific stories of husbands secretly recording w

Is your husband using scriptures to coerce or oppress you? If so, you may be experiencing spiritual abuse symptoms. Here’s how to know for sure. If you’re wondering if you’ve experienced spiritual abuse, take our free spiritual abuse quiz to see if he’s used any of these tactics to exploit and oppress you. Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological manipulation where a husband uses scripture, revelation, or religious traditions to oppress women. It also involves the misuse of power by leaders or authority figures to control, manipulate, or exploit women under their influence. This type of abuse can take many forms, from fear tactics and guilt-tripping to strict rules. It’s often mistaken for spiritual teachings. 9 Signs Of Spiritual Abuse Coercing the victim into sexual activity using scripture or the misogynistic logic that it is her “wifely duty” to submit to her husband Refusing to help with household duties, telling a woman it’s the role God intended for her Convincing the victim that she does not have access to God’s direction or power without a man Making unilateral decisions Controlling the finances Undermining her talents, refusing to let the victim work Accusing the victim of “sin” Controlling whom the victim can associate with Controlling the victim’s hobbies This list isn’t exhaustive, but may help victims identify areas in which the abuser uses spirituality and religious texts or traditions to control and coerce her. 5 Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Feeling like you must constantly try harder to earn a place in heaven. Believing that God disapproves of you, even when you’ve done nothing wrong. Struggling with feelings of depression and hopelessness. Feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to meet impossible spiritual standards. Thinking you’re unworthy of God’s blessings or that God has forgotten you. In Abby’s case, her abuser used spiritual abuse to deny her medical care, access to education, and contact with her family. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. We’re here for you. Isolation Is A Symptom Of Spiritual Abuse By nature, spiritual abuse is generally very isolating. Husbands and church leaders may not allow victims to associate with others outside the faith community. Abusers may refuse to allow victims to contact family or friends who don’t practice their faith like they do. Transcript: How To Know If You’re Experiencing Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Anne: I have Abby on today’s episode. Her parents died when she was 12. A family adopted her into a family that attended the Community of Christ Church in Northern Missouri. She married her husband, also a member of that same church, at the age of 18. They were married for 26 years and had five children. While dating and married, she experienced spiritual abuse in the form of misuse of the word of God by her husband and several influential male leaders of her church. Welcome Abby. Abby: Thank you, Anne. I’m honored to be here. I hope my story will help others know that God himself does not want his daughters to be oppressed in any way. And that he is the ultimate authority or one that calls the shots, if you will. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcKBBYifx2I Early Red Flags In Marriage Anne: When did you start to sense that something wasn’t quite right. Abby: I sensed it from the beginning, but because of lack of education and self-esteem, I wasn’t sure what to do about it. My former spouse would sit in the car with me for hours and tell me what God told him about me. I didn’t know I was experiencing spiritual abuse. And let’s just use a silly example. God told me you were wearing a blue dress when X, Y, Z happened. I would say, no, I was wearing the purple dress, not a blue one. And he would overpower me. And the truth became that the dress was the color he chose. That sounds silly, but it was a powerful way of controlling. Anne: I don’t think that sounds silly at all. I think it sounds extremely traumatic and strange. Abby: Well, and God is the ultimate trump card, and he knew I am woman of faith and was very devoted. Some other issues were, I went on a hiking trip with the youth of my church. All of us got to the top of Mount Elbert. We’re having fun. And I fell in a snow drift, and one of the guys pulled me out, and we laughed. Afterward, he forced me to stay away from that boy. He wouldn’t let me go out with other friends. And would dominate my time, actually stopped in the road while I was getting in the car with Stephanie, my friend. He said, Oh, you need to go with me. Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Abuse Symptoms Abby: One of the most poignant situations was that he had a pornography issue or addiction at the time. And I had learned to play the guitar from a former boyfriend. And so to prove my devotion to him and him profess

If you’re married, have you just discovered that your husband watches gay pornography or is hooks up with men? Have you wondered, “Is my husband gay?” This kind of betrayal cuts deep, and it makes sense that you feel angry, confused, and sad. Not because you’re mean or hateful, but because he lied to you and broke your trust. You’re not alone. Betrayal can hurt a lot, but there are ways to get help and feel better. Here are three signs that might show if your husband could be gay, along with some ideas on how to move forward. 1. You Find Gay Pornography or Evidence of Same-Sex Relationships Have you come across gay pornography on your husband’s phone, device, or search history? Discovering this can feel like a devastating blow, particularly if it’s not the first time. If he’s previously assured you that he isn’t gay or promised to stop, the betrayal can be even more painful. This can feel especially conflicting if he identifies as religious and claims not to support homosexuality. Similarly, if he’s had same-sex relationships in his past—or you’ve recently uncovered evidence that he’s involved with other men now—this might confirm worrying suspicions. It’s important to remember that these discoveries aren’t your fault. He’s been lying to you and your community and maybe even your church, and that has nothing to do with you. His lying and hiding the truth likely amounts to emotional and psychological abuse. Before you answer whether he’s gay, consider answering this important question: Is he emotionally abusive? Take this free emotional abuse quiz to see if he’s using any of the 19 types of emotional abuse to keep you in the dark or make you feel like this is your fault. 2. He’s Spending Time in Gay Bars or Similar Spaces If your husband secretly frequents gay bars or visits establishments connected to same-sex encounters, and has been purposefully trying to obstruct you from discovering this double life, it’s a sign that he’s emotionally abusive, regardless of his sexual orientation. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joi92r4w93k 3. Your Intuition Tells You Something Is Wrong Sometimes, even if you don’t have proof—like suspicious messages or clear signs—your feelings might tell you something isn’t right. You know what? Those feelings happen for a reason. Your brain can notice little clues even before you realize it. If you’re feeling confused, trust yourself. You might not be able to explain it immediately, but honoring your intuition can guide you toward the truth. Regardless of what your husband is saying or promising you now, if you feel like something is off, you need support from women who understand. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. But What If He’s Still Intimate With Me? One question many women in this situation ask is, “If he’s having sex with men, why does he still want to be with me—physically and emotionally?” To learn more about why some men see marriage as an opportunity to exploit a woman, rather than a loving relationship, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine what your husband’s true character is. The Living Free Workshop will help you determine if your husband is gay and then know what steps to take next to make sure you’re emotionally, psychologically, and sexually safe. What You Can Do Next If this sounds like something you’re going through, it’s time to focus on finding peace and feeling better. Whether your husband is gay or making other bad choices, what matters most is your feelings and mental health. Feeling isolated is common, but help is available. Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) offers daily group sessions in every time zone, so no matter where you are, you’ll be surrounded by women who understand. This is a safe space where you can share your thoughts—or just listen until you feel ready. Take the first step toward healing and connect with the amazing women at Betrayal Trauma Recovery TODAY. Discovering my husband betrayed me with men, when I thought he was straight, was the most painful experience of my life. Savannah shares her story of resilience and acceptance in the aftermath of her husband coming out after fourteen years of intimate betrayal. If this is happening to you, professional betrayal trauma specialists at Betrayal Trauma Recovery can help you process your feelings and find peace. My Husband Betrayed Me With Men – The Emotions Are Overwhelming In fact many women in our community face intense and overwhelming emotions in the face of learning that their husband has betrayed them with men. They grapple with blame from clergy, family, and friends, while trying to stay in the reality that sexual orientation or preference has literally nothing to do with them. Also, below is a list of common emotions and thoughts that women facing this situation experie

If you’re lying awake at night wondering, “What will this do to my kids?”—you’re not alone. But divorce co-parenting research tells a very different story than what most women have been told. Let’s walk through what the research actually shows—especially for mothers trying to create a calmer, safer home for their children. Divorce Co-Parenting Research You Need to Know 1. Divorce Is Not Universally Harmful to Kids One of the biggest fears mothers carry is that divorce will “ruin” their children. But divorce co-parenting research shows something important: The majority of children adjust over time Most return to baseline emotional health within about two years Long-term harm is not the norm Yes, kids may feel sadness, confusion, or grief at first. That’s real. But temporary pain is very different from lifelong damage. Think about a mom who finally leaves a chaotic home—her child might cry at the change… but also start sleeping better, laughing more, and relaxing in ways she hasn’t seen in years. 2. The Real Risk Factor Isn’t Divorce—It’s the Home Environment Research consistently shows: Children in high-conflict or abusive homes often struggle more than children of divorce In the most toxic environments, kids do significantly better after divorce In fact, in the worst situations, outcomes can be dramatically better when the parents separate. That means the real question isn’t: “Is divorce bad for kids?” It’s: “What are they living with right now?” 3. Kids Always Have Value Another common fear: “If I leave, my kids won’t believe in marriage.” But divorce co-parenting research shows: Most children of divorce still grow up to value long-term relationships The difference in divorce rates between children of divorced vs. non-divorced parents is relatively small And here’s what many moms notice in real life: Children often become more thoughtful about relationships. They see the difference between: a tense, confusing home and a calm, respectful one And they quietly decide which one they want someday. To find out if you’re experiencing emotional abuse in your home, take my free emotional abuse test. 4. Short-Term Stress Does Not Equal Long-Term Damage During and after divorce, kids may: Cry more Struggle with transitions Have temporary regressions (like sleep issues or school stress) That’s to be expected, which is why women want to avoid divorce. But research makes a clear distinction, the longer term stress of living with abuse in the home is worse. 5. Exposure to Harmful Behavior Matters More Than Family Structure One of the most overlooked findings in divorce co-parenting research: Children who are exposed to ongoing harmful behavior are at higher risk than those who experience separation. Even partial separation can help: Reducing exposure—even 50% of the time—can improve outcomes Kids benefit from having at least one stable, emotionally safe environment Think of it like this: If one home feels tense, unpredictable, or confusing…and the other feels calm and steady… Children notice. They learn. And over time, they gravitate toward what feels safe. 6. The “Single Mom Outcomes” Narrative Is Overstated You’ve probably heard: “Kids from single-parent homes struggle more” “They’re more likely to get in trouble” But when you actually look at the data: Differences are often small Many outcomes are nearly identical between groups The gap is frequently exaggerated For example: Slight increases in certain risks exist—but they’re often just a few percentage points The vast majority of kids in both groups are doing okay What matters far more is: emotional stability consistency and a parent who is present and grounded 7. Many Kids Understand—and Even Support—the Divorce This is the part no one talks about openly. In surveys and real-life experiences: Many children—especially as they get older—express relief after divorce Some openly say they’re glad the conflict ended Others may not say it out loud… but show it through behavior A mom might notice: fewer stomachaches less tension at home more openness in conversations Not because divorce is easy—but because the environment improved. What Divorce Co-Parenting Research Really Tells Us When you step back and look at the full picture, the research is surprisingly consistent: Divorce is not automatically harmful Toxic environments are often more damaging than separation Kids are resilient—especially with one safe, stable parent And maybe most importantly: You are not choosing between“hurting your kids” and “protecting your marriage.” You’re often choosing between: ongoing confusion, tension, and instabilityor a hard transition that can lead to clarity and peace Transcript: Divorce Co-Parenting Research: 7 Truths To Know Anne: I have Gretchen Baskerville on today’s episode. She is a Christian divorce recovery leader and researcher. For 20 years, she has worked with Christian women going through difficult life saving divorces. She listens with compassion to those

Have clergy or therapists pushed you toward forgiving abuse? Here’s why that’s so damaging. Before you discover the truth about forgiving abuse, confirm it’s abuse by taking our free emotional abuse quiz to find out. Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation (They’re Not The Same Thing) Betrayal Trauma Recovery is inter-paradigm. Religious and non-religious victims can accept that reconciliation is not only unnecessary, but inadvisable in working toward the process of forgiving abuse. Forgiveness does not mean: Staying in a relationship with your abuser Spending time with your abuser Accepting responsibility for your abuser’s choices Continuing to associate with your abuser’s family and friends Continuing to associate or attend community or religious services in the same location as your abuser Staying legally married to your abuser even if you are living separately Forgiveness & “Turning The Other Cheek” When clergy and religious therapists counsel women to “turn the other cheek” by forgiving abuse or relinquish judgment against their abusers, they are putting victims in danger. “Turning the other cheek” simply doesn’t make sense in the context of abuse and betrayal: Instead, victims can hold abusers accountable by: Reporting crime Distancing themselves from abuse Forgiveness Is About Justice – Not Mercy Ultimately, forgiving abuse is about justice, not mercy. Trauma victims can find solace in accepting that it isn’t their responsibility to grant mercy to their abusers – it’s their duty to hold abusers accountable for the abuse. While this may feel daunting, victims can take small steps to seek safety. Choosing to believe in natural consequences while taking empowering steps toward safety is the process of forgiveness. Harmful societal scripts that place the burden of forgiving abuse and reconciliation on traumatized victims can be difficult to work through. Victims need a safe place to process trauma and create healthier ways to begin healing. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and find the community you need to help you on your healing journey today. Transcript: The Truth About Forgiving Abuse Anne: I am honored to have Valerie M. Hudson on today’s episode. She is a distinguished University professor. And holds the George H. W. Bush Chair in the Department of International Affairs in the George Bush School of Government and Public Service at Texas A & M University. Where she directs the program on women, peace and security. She is the co founder of the women’s stats project. You can find that at womenstats.org. And the author of Sex and World Peace, The Hillary Doctrine, The First Political Order and Bear Branches. In 2009, Foreign Policy Magazine listed Valerie as one of the world’s top 100 Global Thinkers. Welcome Valerie. Valerie: Oh, it’s delightful to be here. Anne: She has many wonderful accomplishments and books she’s written. So I encourage everyone to look at her body of work. It’s amazing, and I’m so grateful for that. Valerie will talk about her article, Forgiveness of Abuse and Atrocity: What It Is and What It Is Not, (A Guide for the Perplexed Christian Woman). She sent this over to me. It hits on every concern that abuse victims face when confronted with this question of forgiving abuse. Maybe a therapist or family member, or maybe clergy, told her, you need to forgive kind of advice or counsel. It is actually hurtful or harmful to the victim, rather than being helpful. So to start Valerie, thank you for writing this. It’s incredible. Valerie’s Inspiration For Writing The Article Valerie: Believe it or not, I wrote this article in a 72 hour period following the birth of one of my children. It overcame me in a rush, and I could not help but put pen to paper. So I would hold my little baby in one arm and nurse him while typing away with my other hand. I look back on that period, which is amazing. And realized that my spirit had put together many of the lessons I had learned prior to that time paid for in blood and tears. If I put them together in one monstrous essay, you would interview me one day. And perhaps to help others by some of the knowledge I gained. Anne: Well, I appreciate it. I already posted it on our Facebook page, and I’m trying to get the word out to everyone. Like read this, read this! It is so incredible, so you talk about forgiving abuse and atrocity. How are abuse and atrocity different from other offenses? In forgiving abuse? Valerie: Yes, I really think that if we’re going to talk about forgiveness. We have to understand that to forgive slights, to forgive microaggressions, those kinds of things are a very different kettle of fish. Than forgiving the person who has raped you, the person who has murdered your child. I think it’s important that while we are enjoined to freely forgive th

If your husband filmed you with a hidden camera, you could be a victim of trafficking. Dani Pinter is Senior Legal Counsel for the National Center on Exploitation. The National Center on Exploitation was founded in 1962, and is the leading national nonpartisan organization. They expose the links between all forms of exploitation. Such as CSCAM, prostitution, trafficking, and the public harms of online explicit material. If you are a victim of exploitation and would like to reach a representative from NCOSE. Please email [email protected] or call (202) 393-7245. To discover if your husband is emotionally abusing you, take this free emotional abuse quiz. If Your Husband Filmed You With A Hidden Camera, You’re A Victim Of Domestic Abuse Too often, men betray and exploit their wives. Husbands have victimized members of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community. By uploading explicit videos to websites. Women request them to take these videos down. Users download videos and the video will continue to resurface. This re-traumatizes victims over and over again. The Necessity To Hold P__nhub Accountable The trauma that P__nhub victims experience is horrific and never-ending. Organizations like NCOSE recognize that exploitation is financially profitable. The organization itself isn’t reliable to self-police. That’s why NCOSE is calling on all credit card companies to stop processing payments for P__nhub. How Can We Seek Justice for P__nhub Victims? It’s not only large organizations and legislative decisions that can effect P__nhub’s accountability. You can help, too. Support the EARN IT act, which would hold “all platforms responsible” for child abuse material (CSAM). Go to sexualexploitationlawsuits.com if you have been a victim of exploitation. And begin the process of seeking justice for yourself. Refuse to use online explicit material and share your knowledge of its exploitative nature with others. Exploitation is traumatizing. If you are a victim of exploitation, you deserve justice and a safe place to process your trauma. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today, find the community you need to begin your healing journey. Transcript: If Your Husband Filmed You With A Hidden Camera Anne: I have Dani Pinter on today’s episode. She is Senior Legal Counsel for the National Center on Exploitation. The National Center on Exploitation was founded in 1962. It is the leading national non-partisan organization exposing the links between all forms of exploitation. Such as child abuse, prostitution, trafficking, and the public harms of online explicit material. And they have some amazing campaigns to stop the harm. Today, we’ll talk about a New York Times article that revealed that P__nhub profits from child abuse material. And we call the national center on exploitation, NCOSE for short. NCOSE is calling on the Department of Justice to investigate P__nhub. NCOSE has been supportive of revoking the immunity that digital platforms use to avoid accountability. And is urging Congress to pass the Earn It Act. They have a blog post about this. Today, NCOSE is calling on all credit card companies to cease processing payments for P__nhub. And Dani Pinter is the lawyer for one of the survivors mentioned in the Times piece. So I invited her today to talk about this specific issue, what NCOSE is doing, and what you can do to help. Okay, so to start, Dani, can you summarize the New York Times story for our audience? Dani: Sure, so Nick Kristof is an excellent journalist and reporter. What he did was highlight the reality that P__nhub’s not just a explicit materials site. This platform hosts real rape videos. And real videos of exploitation and abuse of children. They also host. He did this through some examples he discovered, and also through the stories of some of those survivors. Anne: The article related to this podcast episode is on our website. Survivors’ Ongoing Struggles Anne: So as the lawyer for one of the survivors , what challenges are these survivors facing? Including those who’s intimae partner filmed them with a hidden camera? Dani: One survivor said their abuse never ended because of P__nhub. Which is one of the biggest and most poignant things. Each survivor’s story is different. But they face some sort of exploitation, whether that was violent r_pe, child abuse or trafficking. And even when that horrific trauma ended. It lived on in eternity, because it was recorded and uploaded to P__nhub. And for my client, that has meant these videos and images have spread all over the internet. She feels helpless to get rid of them, and faces them every day. She reached out to P__nhub and others and asked them to bring these videos down. They distributed it without her consent. Because she was trafficked. But she was a minor. So this is CSCAM actively online on P__nhub available for free. You can Google the site, go on it, and reach it in secon

The nature of psychological and emotional abuse leaves many victims unsure if they are even experiencing abuse. Many ask, “How do I know if it’s abuse?” Here’s what you need to know. Even when victims experience marital rape, gaslighting, coercion, and physical abuse, they still ask the question, “How do I know if it’s abuse?” To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Lorelai, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, joins Anne on the free BTR podcast to share her powerful story of escaping her husband’s sexual abuse, constant manipulation and gaslighting. Through the fog of abuse, she was able to use empowering tools to identify the abuse and set safety boundaries to begin her journey to healing. How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: It Doesn’t Have To Be Physical Battering To Qualify As Abuse Often, victims question the reality of their abusive relationship because they haven’t been punched in the face or put in the hospital. Physical battering is absolutely abuse – but it isn’t the only kind of abuse. Other forms of abuse include: Gaslighting Manipulation Betrayal (including secret pornography use) Sexual coercion Marital rape Covert physical harm Threats Financial domineering Spiritual domineering How Can I Learn More About Abuse? Victims become empowered to identify the abuse in their relationships and set safety boundaries as they become educated about abuse. Some of the most helpful resources we recommend include: Anne Blythe’s book Trauma Mama Husband Drama Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast Visit our books page for a list of curated books that we recommend to victims. How Do I Know If It’s Abuse: If You’re Here, Trust Yourself Victims of psychological abuse often experience so much gaslighting, that discerning reality can feel nearly impossible. If you are here, we encourage you to trust yourself. Seek support, empowerment, and education, but trust your instincts. If you feel abused, you probably are. Take appropriate steps to protect yourself, and set safety boundaries to separate yourself from abusive behavior. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you as you begin your healing journey. Join today. Transcript: How Do I Know If It’s Abuse? Anne: Lorelai, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, is on today’s episode. Welcome Lorelai. Lorelai: Thank you for having me. Anne: We’re so glad you’re here and grateful that you’re willing to share. Let’s start at the beginning. Did you recognize your husband’s behavior as abusive at first? Lorelai: No, absolutely not. I had been in a previously abusive relationship, and that one was obvious. And then I met my husband, and he seemed like a gift from God. We’ve been for 17 years now. I did not realize it was abusive until a couple of years ago. And honestly, I didn’t realize the extent or scope of it. There was a lot of confusion. My husband is very subtle about it. It was really hard for me to catch. I started following Betrayal Trauma Recovery regularly and like, overnight I was like, Oh, that explains everything. Anne: When I was first married, I had a friend in a really abusive relationship. When I say really abusive, I would say mine was really abusive. I just didn’t know it, I didn’t understand psychological abuse and emotional abuse. Hers was physical. It was obvious. He was throwing things around. When I would tell her what was going on. She’d be like, Oh no, mine was way worse than that. Yours is a good guy. What I went through was confusing because of all the psychological abuse. What did you attribute it to in the beginning, anger issues? What did you think was going on when you didn’t understand it was abuse? Attributing Behavior To Circumstances Lorelai: A good family raised my husband. He’s the youngest of five. He has strong family connections, but his family was a little weird. He got a lot of passes on many things, being the youngest of five. I attributed it to his family’s ongoing issues. And I attributed it to the blending of two families, because I have kids from my first relationship. People say marriage is hard work. I attributed it to the stress of working two jobs and being a police officer, and thought it was all circumstantial, like oh, he’s in a bad mood or he’s tired. I didn’t think it was calculated and deliberate until Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Then I pinpointed exactly where it was calculated and deliberate. It shocked me. I was shocked at how calculated and deliberate it was. Anne: It is shocking. Your whole paradigm of how you see your husband crumbles when you realize, wait a minute. I’ve been seeing him as a good guy who gets frustrated every once in a while. I realized he’s an abusive man. The mask comes off. https://youtube.com/shorts/g4K

It’s important for women to understand that under Federal Law, the distribution of intimate images without consent is illegal. If it’s happened to you, here’s what you need to know. When Laila Mickelwait, founder and CEO of the Justice Defense Fund, began questioning the legality of P____b’s content. She quickly learned that P____b is full of videos that document the abuse of women. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we take the firm stance that pornography is abusive to everyone involved. P____b is a gateway, catalyst, and enabler to some of the most graphic, insidious, and violent abuse on the internet. If your husband uses exploitative material you’re likely experiencing his emotional abuse. To discover if he’s using any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Here’s How P____b Distributes Intimate Images Without Consent P____b and other pornography sites, hosts videos of: Rape Violence Coercion Underage vicims Unconscious victims P____b harms victims every day by allowing abusers to post filmed abuse. Protecting women from abuse is our goal. You can help today. Sign the petition here and let your voice be heard. P____b has ruined too many lives – it’s time to hold this industry accountable. To learn more listen to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Transcript: Distribution of Intimate Images Without Consent Anne: Laila Mickelwait is the founder and CEO of the Justice Defense Fund and the founder of the global trafficking hub movement supported by millions around the world. She has been combating the injustice of sex trafficking for over a decade and is a leading expert in the field. We are talking about distribution of intimate images without consent. Welcome Laila. Laila: Thanks for having me. Anne: Our audience is well aware of the harms of exploitative material on families. And also how it intersects with trafficking. Let’s talk about the work you are doing to bring justice to survivors of trafficking and child sex abuse. Laila: You know, I’ve been doing this work for over 15 years. I don’t have a dramatic story of how I focused on this area. I grew up in a home where my father focused on human rights issues. He grew up in the Middle East in the midst of war. And he always instilled in us this sense of awareness about human rights issues and justice issues throughout our lives. And I came back around to that when I tried to decide what direction I wanted to pursue in my studies and my career path. I realized I wanted to invest myself in something that would benefit me, and focus on alleviating human rights abuses. And came across the issue of trafficking around that time. Especially women and children stricken by the severity of the harm. And so that’s how I ended up focusing down that path. Discovering Online Exploitation Laila: As time went on. One thing I realized was that trafficking and these abuses were not only going on in brothels in Cambodia, the United States, streets and back alleys, and prostitution, but also online. And through the industry, I realized there is a big industry, a big tech industry and a big tobacco industry. And that, I began to investigate and research over the last nine years. The intersection between trafficking, child sexual abuse material, all forms of image-based sexual abuse, and the big industry. I spent significant time looking into the harm it does to children. They’re exposed to these kinds of sites. You know, at very young ages these days. As of December, P____b was the largest and most popular exploitative material site in the world. In 2020, they reported 47 billion visits to the site that year. 130 million visits per day in 2019. They had 6. 8 million videos uploaded to that one site. It would take you 169 years to watch the content uploaded to P____b in just one year. I was investigating that site because I was questioning. There were so many videos. Women in these homemade videos appeared victims of assault. They appeared to be in pain and protesting and not consenting to what was going on. So that is distribution of intimate images without consent. And also homemade videos of girls that appeared to be underage teens and tweens. And I’m the antidote. How are they vetting these videos? And why is everybody in the world just assuming that because it’s on P____b, it’s legal. One night, my baby awakened me. And as I put him back to bed, I pondered these questions. They haunted me. Personal Investigation & Findings Laila: And I had an idea. I said, I’m going to try this test upload for myself. And so I took out my laptop and tried the upload process. I found out what millions of people would have already known. But nobody sounded the alarm about before. And that all that it takes to upload content onto the world’s most popular site was an email address. No ID to prove that you’re of age. No consent form t

Here’s how to set boundaries with your emotionally abusive husband. One of the first steps is to discover which of the 19 different emotional abuse tactics he may be using. To do that, take our free emotional abuse quiz. https://youtu.be/9aa5bgEY3bY Becoming Free From Emotional Abuse Victims can use emotional safety strategies with their emotionally abusive husband. To learn these strategies, enroll in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Transcript: How To Set Boundaries With Your Emotionally Abusive Husband Anne: Many of you are still being gaslit or emotionally abused in your home, the situation is very hard. My prayers are going out to you. During this time, and always Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are up and running. We have multiple sessions a day. Unlimited live sessions per month. Our coaches are amazing. Attending Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, you can get to know each of our coaches and see who you relate with. If group works for you, stay as long as you want. If you feel like you could benefit from individual sessions, see which coach you relate with the best. Check out the session schedule, and you can attend the next session. Which is usually within a few hours. We welcome you, we’re here. And we’re live, we’re honored to have you. We love it when women can feel our support and love face to face online. Today I’m going to talk about boundaries with your emotionally abusive husband. Because so many women wonder, how do I set boundaries? The purpose of a boundary is to protect you from harm. If the boundary does not protect you from harm. It’s not a good boundary. Or not a boundary at all. The reason why so many women are confused about boundaries is because traditionally, therapists and other experts set up boundaries this way. You state what you will or will not accept. So you’ll say something like, I will not accept pornography in my home or I will not be lied to. And that is your “boundary.” Problems with Traditional Boundary Setting Anne: And then if the boundaries with your husband are crossed, you have to enforce your boundary. That pattern of boundary and then a violation, and then you have to enforce your boundary or then you have to hold your boundary, is problematic. That is what so many therapists or coaches teach, and it is not working for a lot of women. If that model works for you, shine on, right? Keep using it. But if you’ve been taught that model and you’re like, this is hard. I “set the boundary.” I said, I won’t be lied to, or I won’t be treated this way, or I will not allow this in my house. And then it gets violated. Then you’re like, what do I do now? If you’re in that boat, I want to teach you a new model for boundaries that is way more practical and makes a lot more sense. So instead of thinking of a boundary as something that you will not tolerate, I want you to think of a boundary as the actual physical or mental thing that protects you from the harm. So if you’re not protected from emotional abuse from your husband, think in your mind, I don’t have a boundary yet. Because the whole point is to protect you from harm. If you’re not protected, then what? Statements like, you cannot treat me this way, or I will not allow this in my home are just statements. They cannot keep you safe. With a coach or therapist, if you’re doing “boundary work” and making a list of things you will or won’t tolerate, you’re not making a list of boundaries. A Better Model For Boundaries Anne: What you are making a list of is safety issues. As you make that safety list, you can write down, I don’t feel safe with someone who lies to me. I don’t feel safe with someone who grooms me through being kind to me when they want to have sex. That is not a list of boundaries. That is a list of safety issues. What matters is that you understand what the safety issues are. You can state a safety issue, but you cannot state a boundary. Boundaries with your abusive husband are actions. It could just be a mental action, you close your eyes. For example, blocking someone on your phone actually stops them from calling you, texting you or harassing you. Can they call from another number or a blocked number? Yes, they can. But if you make a boundary that you will never answer a number that you don’t recognize, they’ll have to leave a message. And are they going to leave a verbally abusive message? They might. And then you can block that number. And you can just continue to block numbers. If he continues to lie and manipulate, saying, I won’t talk to him, doesn’t keep you safe. Because every conversation he can lie and manipulate you. Blocking him on your phone, blocking his email, or deleting your social media accounts, that’s an actual boundary. Because it literally protects you from the harm

If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about narcissistic abuse?” Here’s a list of scriptures that will help you know what to do next. To know if you’re one of the 19 different types of narcissistic abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Narcissistic Abuse? Anne: I am honored to have Leslie Vernick on today’s episode. Welcome, Leslie. We will talk about what does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse. Leslie: Thanks Anne for having me. I’m so excited to be part of your podcast today. It’s been a personal journey to figure out what God’s word really says. Can you break up with somebody as a Christian, or are you obligated to be in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser for the rest of your life? And so I’ve had to personally struggle with those questions. And work to get rid of the guilt and learn to do what God says. As Christian women, we’re taught James 3:2. We all struggle in many ways, we’re all broken, we all fail, and so who am I to say your sin is worse than mine? Who am I to judge your actions as abusive? And traditionally in the church, we have not even allowed the categories of sexual abuse or narcissistic abuse in marriage. It’s only if he hits you. Maybe it can be considered abuse, but probably you deserved it. You aggravated him, pushed his buttons or triggered him. And so maybe you should stop doing that. He wouldn’t hit you. Anne: Many people think when we say the word safety, that we’re talking about, he doesn’t punch you in the face. But we’re talking about emotional safety. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? Leslie: I love that the Bible actually talks about the importance of safety, especially in marriage. The verse in Proverbs 31 where it says her husband trusts her to do him good, not harm all the days of his life. That is safety. That’s the rock bottom foundation. And so safety is an important quality to God in relationships. Common Lies & Misconceptions Leslie: He created our bodies to react negatively if we’re unsafe. So that we go to safety. But his lies, I’ll just give you some of the most common ones. It’s my fault he acts this way. So if only I were more sexual, adventurous, quieter, more submissive, more beautiful, had bigger boobs or whatever it is. It’s somehow her fault. I just need to try harder. I’m not loving him enough. I’m not doing enough to make this relationship work. God hates divorce. I married him for better, for worse, and suffering and sacrifice are Christian virtues that I must embrace to keep my family together. What does the Bible say about narcissistic abuse? And that’s a lot of theology, but I think that’s common in women of faith. Whether it’s the Catholic faith or the evangelical Christian faith. Church tell us it’s somehow our duty. And virtuous to sacrifice ourselves to keep our family together. Anne: So many abusers accuse their victim of being unsafe for them. Like if you were safe enough, I would tell you the truth. But you shame me, and all it is is manipulation. And so that confuses the victim, because she’s like, am I not safe enough? How can I become more “safe” for this man who says it’s my fault he’s not treating me well? Leslie: Well, he’s going to use this language that he’s going to hear in the therapeutic environment of safety. But he will twist it. So what he’s saying is, if I don’t have a carte blanche to do what I want, it’s somehow her fault. Life doesn’t work that way. But that’s the mindset of the abusers. Manipulation & Gaslighting Leslie: Of course, it’s not safe for me to tell you the truth, because I’m going to get in trouble and have consequences. It’s not harmful to hold someone accountable, or to expect them to tell you the truth. When the doctor says, I have bad news for you. You have lung cancer. You have liver cancer. He’s not telling us that to harm us. He’s telling us to help us. If you tell your husband, your pornography use is ruining my attraction to you, or your pornography use is not okay with me. I don’t want my husband preferring women on the internet to his own wife. When he cheats on you and he lies to you, that’s harming you and your marriage is a big difference. Anne: Another word for harm is abuse in that context. Leslie: Yes. Anne: The pornography addiction recovery movement, they have this whole thing around, don’t shame him. Be safe for him to tell you. They’re putting all the pressure for him to feel good about himself on her. When he doesn’t feel good about himself. Because of what he does and the choices he makes. Leslie: You’re absolutely right, Anne. If she’s muzzled and not allowed to share the impact of how that&#8217

Are you considering divorcing an abusive husband? If you feel overwhelmed at the thought of hiring a lawyer or fighting for custody? To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Wendy, an attorney, joins Anne Blythe, M.Ed. to talk about divorcing an abusive husband. To learn strategy for dealing with and abusive husband before and after divorce, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Hiring An Attorney When Divorcing An Abusive Husband Abuse and betrayal victims may feel daunted and overwhelmed at the idea of interviewing and hiring an attorney. Here are some helpful tips for choosing an attorney when divorcing an abusive husband: Interview more than one attorney Make sure your attorney understands narcissism and post-separation abuse Choose an attorney that will fight for you, but not stir the pot Make sure that you understand your attorneys fees from the get-go Select an attorney that you feel comfortable and safe with Victims can enlist trusted friends to help them in the attorney selection process. This is not a decision that needs to be rushed and women can trust their intuition through the process. Find Healthy Ways To Work Through The Trauma While Divorcing An Abusive Husband Get the emotional help you need, so your attorney can help you. When women try to navigate the legal system while carrying heavy burdens of trauma and living in constant fight-or-flight mode, they may have trouble making decisions. Emotionally-based decisions tend to muddy the waters and make it difficult for victims to think strategically. Victims can choose to process their trauma and express their emotions in safe and consistent ways by joining support groups, like the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group, so that when it’s time to focus on the legal aspect of their situation, they can give it their full attention. Divorcing An Abuser 101: Understand “Best Interest Factors” When working through a custody battle, it’s important that victims understand the concept of “best interest factors” – or, what the courts will be considering as the important issues that determine who the children should be spending their time with. Wherever you are in your journey to healing, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is here for you. Custody battles, divorce, and discovering a partner’s infidelity are all life-altering, traumatic experiences. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions offers the support that you need as you navigate this trying time. Join today and find the community that you deserve. Transcript: Divorcing An Abusive Husband Anne: I have Wendy Hernandez on today’s episode. Wendy is a courtroom lawyer who has tackled every type of family law matter from divorce to child custody, to everything in between. Welcome Wendy. Wendy: Thank you, Anne. It’s wonderful to be here. Anne: So many of our listeners are just finding out about their husband’s abuse, their husband’s pornography use, or his double life. And they’re starting to wrap their head around the fact that they might be in an abusive relationship. So we have that segment of listeners. Then we have a segment of listeners who are now looking back on their marriage post divorce. They’re like, whoa, I didn’t realize that all the stuff that happened to me is an example of emotional abuse. Those women, when it comes to the law, are most concerned about upcoming custody issues that have happened since the divorce. Let’s first talk to that first demographic of women who are just coming out of the fog of abuse. Maybe some of them are thinking, can I stay in this marriage? They’re maybe starting to think about divorce. To those women, what types of things are important for them? As they’re considering, should I considering steps toward divorcing an abusive husband? Wendy: Yes, so first and foremost, you have to think about your safety and the safety of your children. And I know that many women feel guilty about leaving marriages for spiritual reasons. What is at risk is your life and the lives of your children. If you have children. When they’re in these relationships that are not only life threatening, but soul crushing. Emotional & Psychological Safety Strategies Wendy: If you are in danger, start preparing to get out. I wouldn’t say get out until you’ve put some thought into it, until you have a plan in place, and you have some safe people that you can rely upon to help you get through this, because you will need the support from an emotional standpoint. So first and foremost, use Anne and the resources she has available to determine whether you’re safe or not. Anne: Yeah, she’s talking about The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, which helps women determine their husband’s character, to see how safe he is. And then we’ll give you emotional and psychological safety strategies, both

Children of divorce often wonder, “Can you emancipate yourself from one parent?” Tiffany will share the story of how she emancipated from both parents. Hopefully, her story can help any minor hoping to emancipate themselves from an abusive parent. If you have children in danger from their father after a divorce, or you’re concerned about it, we’d love to support you. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. 1. What Does It Mean to Emancipate Yourself? At BTR, we advocate for safety above all else. To discover if you’re emotionally unsafe, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Women can learn emotional and psychological safety strategies by enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. 2. When It Feels Too Difficult To Emancipate Yourself From Abuse You’re not alone. Many women experience debilitating trauma when considering emancipating themselves from abuse. Why? Because abusers condition victims to feel powerless, worthless, and trapped. 3. Finding The Strength To Emancipate Yourself It may feel overwhelming, frightening, and devastating. But you can find the strength to emancipate yourself from abuse. Many women weigh their options, putting others’ needs before their own safety. Some of these include: Wanting to spare their children the trauma of divorce and its aftermath How do you help the child of a narcissist? Wanting to avoid financial hardship Wanting to “keep the peace” by “letting it go” Fear of the abuser’s retribution against self or children Abuse teaches women that they are not worthy of safety, kindness, or respect. Women will hold tight to everyone else’s “needs” because abuse has conditioned them to do so. 4. Will It Hurt My Children IF I Emancipate Myself From Abuse? Mothers worry that separating themselves from abusive behaviors may harm their children. This is understandable, divorce, separation, and other safety boundaries may feel disruptive and traumatic for children. However, no matter what the circumstances, if their mother is being abused, the children are also being abused – even if the abuser never lays a hand on them. Simply existing in a space where abuse is present is detrimental and harmful to children. At BTR.ORG, we know that safety looks different for everyone. Some women opt for a no-contact divorce, while others choose to stay married. No matter how you emancipate yourself from abuse, Betrayal Trauma Recovery is here to support you, validate you, and empower you. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions meet multiple times a day in every time zone. Join today and find a loving community of women who understand what you are going through as you begin your journey to safety and healing. Transcript: Can You Emancipate Yourself From One Parent? Anne: I received a five star review the other day. She said, lifesaver for me and my child. I don’t know what I would do without this podcast. I look to it for guidance, support, and understanding. BTR seems to really know what is going on and doesn’t take BS from anyone. After living with my ex’s pornography, abuse, and sex addiction for eight years, I finally found a safe place that can empathize and explain all of the madness I’ve been living. There is no podcast quite like it. Keep doing what you are doing, BTR, and thank you. I have Tiffany on today’s episode. She is familiar with overcoming hardships after enduring physical, mental, and sexual abuse. Tiffany emancipated from her parents at the age of 15. At the time, she was only the second case in Utah for a child of that age to become legally emancipated from her parents. She worked three jobs to support herself through high school, became a Sterling scholar, and graduated top of her class. As a torchbearer for the 2002 Olympics, Tiffany has always determined to shine a light in dark places. Welcome Tiffany. Tiffany: Thank you so much for having me. It’s a pleasure. Anne: So Tiffany’s going to share a little bit about her childhood abuse and how to emancipate yourself, which is an amazing story. And then we’re going to focus the rest of the episode on the abuses she experienced from her boyfriend, and how she didn’t realize what was going on. Then finally, she also emancipated herself from that situation. So Tiffany, let’s start with your childhood abuse. Did you understand as a child that you were a victim of abuse? Tiffany’s Childhood Abuse Tiffany: I think the moment I realized, was when my dad broke my arm. So an answer to that question, from my earliest memory until he broke my arm when I was six, I didn’t realize it. But then once that happened, I was like, okay, yeah, this isn’t normal. He threw me across the room, and I hit a solid wood door. I didn’t know the word abused, obviously, at six, but I knew that what was happening couldn’t be right. My dad would n

If you’ve ever searched for a marriage bible reference because someone told you, “A good Christian wife shouldn’t say no,” you’re not alone. Many women, especially when we’re juggling children, church expectations, and a husband who says he has “needs”, go looking for scripture to settle the question: Does the Bible really require me to submit to intimacy that feels one-sided or emotionally detached? In this interview with Sheila Wray Gregoire (co-author of The Great Sex Rescue, based on research from more than 20,000 Christian women), we unpack something most marriage conversations miss: The Bible repeatedly tells believers to resist evil, guard their hearts, and seek protection—not to submit to harm in God’s name. Let’s walk through the powerful marriage bible reference no one quotes when women are pressured into “intimacy” out of duty. The Marriage Bible Reference For Women in a Confusing Marriage A common problem in Christian marriage teaching is defining intimacy almost entirely around intercourse and male climax. In the interview we discussed a study of over 20,000 Christian women. Here’s what we found. Women who feel emotionally disconnected report far lower satisfaction intimacy. Obligation-driven intimacy correlates with increased pain and emotional withdrawal. Yet many Christian books interpret these bible references to frame physical intimacy as: His need Her obligation A way to prevent him from using inappropriate or exploitative media or infidelity For a mom who already carries the emotional weight of the family, this adds another invisible burden:“Keep him stable, or it’s your fault if he sins.” That framing erases the pain she feels from the infidelity because apparently she caused it. This is actually a form of spiritual and emotional abuse. To find out if you’re experiencing this, here’s my free emotional abuse test. The Marriage Bible Reference No One Quotes When women are told to endure their husband’s harmful behavior in marriage, certain verses are often quoted. But others, just as authoritative, are quietly ignored. Here are the powerful passages that show God consistently calls His people to protect themselves from harm. 1. “Deliver Us From Evil” — Matthew 6:13 Jesus Himself taught believers to pray for deliverance from evil. Not “Help us tolerate evil” or “Help us endure harm silently.”Deliver. The Lord’s prayer tells us to pray for deliverance and it means God wants to protect us. God makes it clear that evil exists and we should seek to be delivered from it. To talk to Christian women who understand your situation, attend one of our daily, online Group Sessions. There you can fellowship with faithful women who are discovering their husband’s true character and figuring out what to do through prayer and scripture study. 2. “Guard Your Heart” — Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” If physical with your husband feels soul-crushing, if your body recoils, if you feel used rather than known, this verse supports protecting your emotional and spiritual core. Guarding your heart is not rebellion. It’s what God wants women to do if their husband hurts them emotionally. 3. “Resist the Devil” — James 4:7 “Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Resistance is biblical. Spiritual language is being used by wicked people to override your righteous boundaries. , that pressure should not go unquestioned. Scripture does not command passive compliance with manipulation. 4. “Put On The Armor of God” — Ephesians 6:10–18 Here’s the thing, many scriptures are actually marriage bible references, even if they don’t say “marriage” because they talk about how believers should deal with people who hurt them. For example, why would God tell anyone, even women, to put on the armor of God? Because harm is real. The imagery of spiritual armor teaches you to stand firm and defend yourself. Often, women don’t realize the man she married is lying to her, pretending to be righteous when he’s actually undermining her and their marriage. This causes real harm and God wants everyone, including women to protect themselves. 5. “God Is Refuge” — Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Refuge means safety. A marriage should provide emotional safety. But if it doesn’t, there’s something wrong. If the way your husband treats you leaves you feeling invisible or emotionally unsafe, that does not align with how marriage should be, according to God. 6. “Hate What Is Evil” — Romans 12:9 “Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good.” Marriage does not transform evil into righteousness. Coercion does not become holy because you made a vow with a man who lied and doesn’t keep his vows. If he doesn’t keep his vow to cherish and protect you, it’s not your faul

Melea Stevens, from the National Center of Exploitation, and Anne Blythe, M.Ed. talk about how we can protect children online. With kids spending increasing amounts of time on smartphones, tablets, and computers, ensuring their safety requires tools, education, and awareness. Because the foundation of all abuse is emotional manipulation, teach children the 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to learn more. Educating children about online safety is crucial. Teach them to recognize potential dangers, like sharing personal information, talking to strangers, or clicking on suspicious links. Encouraging open communication means they’ll feel comfortable coming to you if something seems wrong. Transcript: How Can We Protect Children Online? Anne: I have Melea Stevens on today’s episode. She is a board member of the National Center on Exploitation. Melea, welcome. Melea: Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be with you. Anne: Most people don’t realize that hardcore explicit content is illegal because they are so normalized. Melea: Yes, Anne, you’re absolutely right. Society normalizes harmful content. Most people don’t realize that these easily accessible acts are actually illegal. At least the extreme forms, which are often what it entails today. The only legal aspects are very limited and defined differently. Up until the early nineties, our Department of Justice was enforcing federal obscenity laws that applied to these situations. But we’ve grown very lax, if not completely stopped, enforcing our existing laws. So at this point, it’s rampant. Those engaging in these acts know they can do whatever they want because we’re not enforcing existing laws. Because of this, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to protect children online. Anne: All forms of online exploitation are abusive. They hurt people. Whether you’re participating in it, actively engaging in it, or in a relationship with someone actively engaging in it, it’s going to hurt everyone involved. Alabama’s Resolution To Protect Children Online Anne: You wrote an article entitled, Alabama’s Resolution to Declare P__ography a Public Health Crisis is Urgently Needed. Did that pass? Melea: Yes, it did. Anne: Awesome. In that article, you mentioned the heartbreaking experiences you’ve had working with children impacted by online explicit content as young as six to 11 years old. Would you mind telling our listeners a bit about your experiences? Melea: Yeah, so over the course of 20 years, I’ve seen the devastating effects of this content on adults, individual lives, marriages, and as we may touch on later, these types of exploitation. It’s an epidemic. As I’ve interacted with countless individuals and couples struggling due to this content, I’ve witnessed the deep pain and destruction it causes. I don’t specialize in kids. But protecting children online should be a top priority for everyone. The Case Of A Young Girl’s Exposure Melea: A little girl who was six years old was first impacted by harmful online content at the neighbor’s house. It’s so frustrating that we can’t protect children online all the time. After one exposure, she and the little girl down the street started acting out. The families decided, if we just don’t talk about it, maybe they’ll forget about it and it’ll go away. But it didn’t go away. She became more and more aggressive. It escalated to the point where she performed different behaviors she had witnessed. Very violent behaviors on her baby sibling barely two years old. This alarmed her parents. They continued to think, okay, maybe if we just remove her from these situations and try to monitor her, it’ll stop. But she got in trouble at school because she stole phones from teachers’ purses so she could access harmful material. This little girl’s feet don’t hit the floor. Her affect is very flat—almost eerily flat. And her parents told me, “She doesn’t bond the same, she’s not the same child. She seems cold, withdrawn, and isolated. And we don’t know what to do.” When I talked to the little girl, I carefully asked her questions because I wasn’t sure how she would react. Then, without hesitation, she said, “I don’t see why my parents are bringing me here.” “I don’t see what’s wrong with it. You should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want.” It’s so alarming what happens when we fail to protect children online. How Can We Protect Children Online? A Young Boy’s Struggle Melea: There was an 11-year-old boy who got into trouble because of what he was doing at night. His parents didn’t know when he first saw explicit online content, but he figured out that the neighbor had magazines about it. So, at night, he would sneak out of his house and look in the neighbor’s mailbox. Eventually, it got worse. He started breaking into the neighbor’s house becau

The long term effects of emotional abuse in marriage are different for every woman. Here are 6 long term effects and 3 way to overcome them. 6 Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage Low self-esteem and self-worth due to constant manipulation or criticism. Anxiety and depression caused by prolonged emotional distress. Confusion of not being able to make progress with your goals because your husband is exploiting and undermining you. A sense of isolation and loneliness from emotional invalidation. Chronic stress, which may lead to physical health issues like fatigue or headaches. Post-traumatic stress symptoms, including inability to sleep and flashbacks. 1. To Heal From The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse, Learn What Type You’re Experiencing Did you know there are 19 types of emotional abuse? To discover which types of emotional abuse your husband is using to exploit you, take this free emotional abuse quiz. 2. To Avoid the Long Term Affects of Emotional Abuse, Get The Right Support Many women report that couple therapy or addiction recovery only escalated their husband’s emotional abuse. It’s important to get the right support. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are the best way to get validating support from women who understand. All Betrayal Trauma Recovery staff has been through it. 3. The Abuse Will Escalate During A Crisis, So Prepare Now Emotional abusers escalate during a crisis because it’s the perfect time to assert control. If a victim is desperate and scared, she’s less likely to set boundaries. One of the long term effects of emotional abuse is not realizing how much danger you’re in. In a crisis, an abuser may feel a lack of control. As a result, his controlling behaviors may escalate. Protect Yourself From Emotional Abuse Long Term When abusers use controlling behavior to abuse their partner, it looks like: Taking away her privacy Coercion (including sexual coercion) Verbal abuse, including yelling Physical intimidation Shaming the victim if she does anything he doesn’t want her to do Becoming overly dependent on the victim Dictating the victim’s choices and not letting her make decisions Starting arguments over trivial matters While some crises may limit your access to domestic abuse shelters, professional help, and seeking a new place to live, women can always find support on the online by attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. What Boundaries Can I Set When I Can’t Leave My House? In the event of natural disasters, pandemics, or other large-scale crises, women may wonder what boundaries they can set to separate themselves from abuse when they can’t physically separate from their abuser. Here are some ideas: I will call 9-1-1 immediately if I feel physically threatened by my partner. I will not have sex or sleep in the same room as someone who is abusive to me. Seek daily support if I am not able to leave the home during a crisis. I will make a safety plan so that as soon as the crisis is over, I can avoid the long term effects of emotional abuse. Transcript: How To Overcome The Long Term Effects of Emotional Abuse In Marriage Anne: It’s just me today. I wanted to talk about the long term effects of emotional abuse in marriage. I want to take everybody back in time for a minute. To when at least in the United States everything locked down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I remember the day they canceled school. And I felt relief that I wouldn’t share an enclosed space with my ex-husband. Because by that time I was divorced. I remember the relief. Like that was the first thing I thought of. I’m so grateful that I’m not stuck in the house with him. Being in close physical proximity to emotional abuse. Will harm you long term, but it will also harm you in the short term. Understanding Emotional Abuse Types Anne: So number one, you need to learn what type of emotional abuse you are experiencing. Did you know that there are 19 types of emotional abuse? To discover which types of emotional abuse your husband uses to exploit you. Take our free emotional abuse quiz, just click on that link. It’ll indicate how he’s emotionally abusive to you, because emotional abuse is so hard to see. Or maybe he’s not. You’ll know from taking that quiz. Number two to avoid the long term effects of emotional abuse. You need the right support. Many women report that couple therapy or addiction recovery only escalated their husband’s emotional abuse. So make sure that when you get support, it’s from someone who understands this type of abuse. And our Betrayal Trauma Recovery group sessions are the best way to get that type of validating support. To see the group session schedule, go to that link. And I’m going to spend the rest of today’s podcast talking about number three. Preparing for Crisis Escalation Anne: Emotional abuse will escalate during a crisis, so

When a woman discovers her husband’s secret pornography use or infidelity, it’s devastating. Learning how to cope with betrayal trauma is a daily struggle. Here are 4 self care strategies for victims. Loss, devastation, terror, fury, grief, numbness… are all manifestations of betrayal trauma, and each emotion can be debilitating. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz. VIctims of betrayal can take small steps to begin practicing self-care, which is the only way to truly process and ultimately heal from betrayal trauma. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. 1. How To Cope With Betrayal Trauma: Pay Attention To Your Body’s Messages 2. Pick One Tiny Thing, And Do That Thing Everyday 3. Accept and Embrace The “Critical Systems Only” Phase When trying to CopE With Betrayal Trauma 4. Whatever Works To Help You Cope With Betrayal Trauma Is The Best Self Care For You Coping With Betrayal Trauma Feels Wrong To Victims of Betrayal Abusive men, including pornography users, condition victims to ignore their own needs. For many women, this means they don’t realize they actually cope with betrayal trauma the best way they can. And when they initiate self-care practices, they feel like they’re doing something wrong. When victims of betrayal begin practicing self-care, they often feel: Guilt Shame Embarrassment Gluttonous Selfish Silly Victims can become empowered by understanding that these negative emotions are a product of their abuser’s behavior – they are not reality. Self-care is not selfish and women who practice it are practicing self-love. Coping With Betrayal Trauma Is A Process Practicing self-care isn’t a destination, it’s a journey. Self-care needs may change over time. What women need now may be different several months or years into the healing process. When women practice self-compassion and give themselves time to try new methods of self-care, they may find more freedom and joy in the process. As Anne explains: How To Cope With Betrayal Trauma: 4 Things To Consider Every victim’s self-care will be specific to her needs at any given time. Effective self-care is built on these four components: Soothing Nurturing Discipline Compassion When women use these four components as a guide in their self-care decisions, they are better able to meet their own needs as they work through living with betrayal trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Supports Victims of Betrayal At BTR, we know how difficult it can be to implement self-care after discovering betrayal. The intense and relentless emotional waves that seem to bury victims alive can be so overwhelming that self-care feels out of the question. However, at BTR, we believe that self-care is the foundation for healing and thriving after betrayal and abuse. Join today and make the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group an integral piece of your self care. Transcript: How To Cope With Betrayal Trauma Anne: A member of our community is on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Tia. She let me know that she’s been listening to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcasts since the beginning. When I was crying into the microphone in my basement. I’m so appreciative to those of you who have supported me since the very beginning. Thank you so much. Tia needed to practice self-care when her marriage began to unravel. As she shares a little bit of her journey to cope with betrayal trauma, I’ll be pointing out 4 self-care strategies that she used to help bring her peace every day. Welcome Tia. Tia: Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here. Anne: Self care is my favorite personal topic right now. As I am knee deep or maybe eyeball deep into self care. Now that I’m more healed and stabler, I’m able to really focus on it. And so before we start the conversation, I want to do a disclaimer to women like me. We’re going to talk about how in the middle of intense trauma, you can practice a little bit of self care as much as possible. But don’t feel guilty right now if your self care is Oreos and popcorn and Netflix. There’s no guilt, no guilt. And any phase of your journey or anywhere you are is fine. It’s all okay. Let’s talk about finding self care the hard way. Tia: Yes, had I been wiser, had there been more podcasts way back when, maybe I would have been smarter. Understanding Self-Care: Tia’s Initial Struggles Tia: But I remember seeing a counselor when things started to unravel, I was trying to cope with betrayal trauma and at that point she said to me, you need to up your self care. And she might as well have been speaking a different language. I had no idea what self care really was. I thought, hey, I exercise and I eat well. And if you consider chocolate a health food. Yeah, then I absolutely look after myself. What’s your issue counselor? I have gre

Liz just wanted to keep herself and her family safe. She didn’t know these 3 signs of spiritual abuse that every woman needs to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Liz sought support from trusted church leaders after she experienced abuse. But rather than receiving the help she deserved, Liz experienced severe spiritual abuse from clergy and continued emotional and psychological abuse from her abusers. If you’re experiencing this type of abuse, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. What is Spiritual Abuse? Spiritual abuse occurs when individuals use their authority, religious doctrines, or practices to exert control, manipulation, or power over others. Spiritual abuse can also occur when a leader dismisses, minimizes, or refuses to take proper steps to protect victims of abuse and crime. Abusers blame and hold victims responsible for the abuse. Recognizing The Signs of Spiritual Abuse It’s important to familiarize yourself with the spiritual abuse. Knowing how to identify spiritual abuse can help those in faith communities recognize and move away from situations where they may be exploited, misled, or traumatized. The lack of total accountability, a church doesn’t have turning yourself in to authorities as part of the repentance process. Requesting victims forgive and reconcile with no justice, when emotional and psychological safety haven’t been established. Continued lying, deceit, and dismissal of sin while professing to be righteous. To learn more about how to recognize this type of abuse, enroll in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Identifing Signs of Spiritual Abuse: Blame & Shame: Spiritually abusive leaders use blaming and shaming tactics to instill feelings of guilt or unworthiness. In our community, this looks like a pastor or other religious leader blaming a wife for her husband’s infidelity, telling her that if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have been unfaithful. Overstepping Ethical Boundaries: When spiritual leaders offer marital counsel, therapy, mental health counseling, and label individuals with any diagnosis. Or use a deity to “discern” anything outside their scope of professional, ethical boundaries. This is a serious breach of propriety and is considered severe spiritual abuse. In our community, this often occurs when clergy labels abusive husbands mentally ill requiring more love, service, and intimacy. Encouraging Isolation: Spiritual abuse occurs when leaders encourage individuals, especially abuse victims, to distance themselves from outside sources of support. This occurs when clergy counsel victims not to report abuse to the authorities, or not attend support groups not sanctioned by the church. Leaders may counsel victims to stay tight-lipped about domestic abuse to everyone but the church leader. This conditioning to isolate can keep victims trapped in a devastating cycle of abuse. As women set safety boundaries, appropriate support can be beneficial. Clergy have the unique opportunity to lovingly support victims as they identify abuse and seek safety from abusive behaviors. Liz faithfully sought support from her clergy, only to experience further betrayal and abuse. As you listen to Liz’s story, difficult feelings may surface. Please seek support if you experience triggers. Our daily, online Group Sessions are available to you – attend a session today. Transcript: 3 Signs of Spiritual Abuse You Need To Know Anne: About 20 years ago, I was at school teacher at a public school. And I went on a trip with a bunch of teachers to teach English in China. And on that trip, I went with Liz and her mother. At the time, I perceived Liz and her mother as the “typical Christian family.” They went to church every week and looked like they obeyed the commandments. I’ve reconnected with Liz. And she told me what was going on in her family. Today we’re talking about the signs of spiritual abuse. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we have women who are agnostic, atheists, Catholics, evangelicals, Baptists, Jewish women, Muslims. Women from all different faith backgrounds and philosophical paradigms. You are welcome here. Our only goal is to help women get to emotional and psychological safety. I always appreciate your patience with me when I share from my own religious perspective. And it’s only to simply share my own story and how I’m feeling. I honor the choices everyone makes regarding their religion or paradigm. Because Liz is a member of my faith. We’re both members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There are a few things that may help you understand as she shares her story. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, there’s a local volunteer called the Bishop. And then. It’s similar to the structure of the Catholic church. There’s somebod

If you’re looking for the best books about emotional abuse in marriage. It’s important to understand all the ways a husband can be emotionally abusive. Before covering the best books about emotional abuse, if you’re wondering if your husband is emotionally abusive, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Trauma Mama Husband Drama is a picture book for adults, written by Anne Blythe, M.Ed. founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Trauma Mama Husband Drama written by Anne Blythe and Illustrated by Cristalwolf Lobazul. Books About Emotional Abuse Should Include Pornography Use Too many religious leaders re-traumatize a woman when victims reach out for help because of their husband’s exploitative materials use or lies. Anne Blythe, founder of BTR, created Trauma Mama Husband Drama, in part to support women as they meet with clergy. Women can bring this book with them when they meet with clergy, therapists, friends or family to help them understand this type of emotional abuse. Books About Emotional Abuse Shouldn’t Victim Blame Ever wonder if you are overreacting, expecting too much, imagining things, or just plain crazy? Are you wondering this because someone told you that you’re to blame? Abusive men (including exploitative materials users) condition women to blame and berate themselves. When abusers gaslight their partners, women have difficulty detecting reality. They often believe that it’s their own intelligence, mental health, or emotional stability that is causing reality to feel so disorienting. Trauma Mama Husband Drama helps delineate the truth about the chaos, abusiveness, and fear that women experience when their partners use exploitative materials. This book validates and empowers women within themselves as they begin their journey to healing. Books About Emotional Abuse Should Help Family & Friends Understand What You’re Going Through Tragically, family and friends of victims often enable abusers to keep betraying and abusing – simply because they don’t understand abuse and trauma. Trauma Mama Husband Drama is short, easy to read, and there’s a high likelihood a support person will read it. Victims need support to get to emotional safety and ultimately heal from the devastation of betrayal trauma. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. TODAY. Transcript: Best Books About Emotional Abuse Anne: Some of you know, I have been working on a picture book for adults called Trauma Mama Husband Drama for a while. It is finally finished, and you can find it on Amazon. When you receive your copy of the book, it will be a verified purchase, and then will you please go to your Amazon account and give it a five star rating? That makes a huge difference. You know, I’m also writing a non fiction book about how pornography use is abusive to a spouse. I used many examples from victims for that book. And it is very detailed. However, if you give this picture book to clergy or give the 300 page book to clergy, the likelihood of them reading it with the picture book is much higher. The Journey of Creating the Book Anne: It kind of came about when I was hanging out with a few sheroes. And we were joking around and I said, Trauma mama feeling sad, and everyone kind of laughed and I thought that’s it. I’m gonna write this book. The way I found the illustrator was an absolute miracle. She is also an abuse survivor. She lives in Brazil, and I won’t go into how I found her, but it was an absolute miracle. She’s an amazing artist and the right artist for the job. And I can’t even really put into words what a miracle it was to find her, because there were many other artists I got samples from, and nothing was jiving. Crystal Wolf Labasol is her name. We really clicked, and I’m so grateful for her hard work. It’s been about a year and a half. that it took us to create this picture book. We worked really hard on all the little details to make sure it was saying what we wanted it to say. The Importance of Visual Learning Anne: At the back of the book are a bunch of Betrayal Trauma Resources and infographics that help people understand this type of abuse. So we’ve got the power and control wheel. We have the abuse cycle. This podcast is helpful to people. But there’s something about having this physical book that’s visual to help process it as well. It’s a different way of learning. It’s a different way of processing. Go to Amazon today and order it. You can also get to that link from our books page. So if you go to this link, there’s a section on books curated by Anne, and it’ll send you to Amazon. Call to Action and Gratitude Anne: I’m going to keep today’s podcast short, because it’s simply a call to action. I am grateful for those who will go immediately to order this book. Thank you for your support. Thank you for those who sup

Tragically, the sex addiction therapy community is focused on the causes of addiction, without focusing on how it affects an addict’s loved ones. Here’s the truth about the causes of sexual addiction. Betrayal Trauma: The Result of Abuse, Not Addiction A man’s “addiction” can’t and doesn’t cause betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma is the result of emotional, psychological, financial, spiritual, and sexual abuse. To determine if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. What Makes Betrayal Trauma Worse? Tragically, some of the recommendations that sex addiction professionals make to victims of betrayal harm them more. So what makes betrayal trauma worse? Causes of addiction: Engaging with the Abuser Abusers will blame, shame, gaslight, turn tables, lie to, criticize, love-bomb, and re-traumatize victims. Sexual addiction professionals, clergy, and others counsel traumatized women to share their feelings, ask questions, or work on their communication with a man who has thus far manipulated, lied, and harmed them. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJgSmoYB0EQ Instead, victims should avoid engaging with the abuser and set boundaries that protect them from the harm that comes from conversations and associations with partners who are known to harm them. Counseling With and Confiding in Clergy If a victims meets with clergy and her abuser, religious leaders tend to disbelieve, minimize, or humiliate the victim. The secondary trauma can be debilitating. Instead, trauma victims need to seek support from trauma professionals, like the coaches at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions happen multiple times a day and will provide the validation and support you need. Isolation and Secrecy Sometimes sexual addiction professionals counsel women to keep the “problems in the marriage” private. This is problematic, because pornography use and abuse are not a marriage problem – they’re an abuse problem. Sometimes sexual addiction professionals make victims sign sex contracts or promise not to divorce the abuser for at least a year. Some even do polygraphs, but prohibit the victim from using anything in the polygraph in court, even if it’s criminal. Transcript: The Truth About Betrayal Trauma & causes of addiction Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Cindy. Welcome Cindy. Cindy: Good morning, thank you, Anne. Anne: So Cindy, why don’t you just start with your story wherever you want to start? Cindy: Sure, last February, I had what I now call my third and final D-Day in my relationship with my husband. I basically witnessed some behaviors that when I confronted him, it became evident to me that he had relapsed quite a time before. So basically, I found out again that he was in his addiction and lying for the three years prior. Being that I had some bottom line boundaries for myself, which was that I would not be in a relationship with an addict not pursuing recovery. And that I would not be kept in the dark again about my reality. And after talking to him through this, it became evident that it was now time for me to say we couldn’t continue. We had been in recovery for 10 years post my initial D-Day, and I was comfortable calling it quits at this point. So since August, I’m legally separated. We are heading for divorce. It’s not a therapeutic separation. Anne: So for women who just started listening to the podcast, let’s talk about a couple terms you brought up. Can you define D-Day for us? Cindy: Yes, that’s a shorthand way of saying the day of discovery. Usually we use that term to describe the first day of discovery. The BTR coaches tend to use it for any discovery that has kind of redefined reality. Recognizing Red Flags Cindy: The original discovery when I first discovered his pornography use last February. I realized he had returned to using it. I talked to many women. Who, like myself, before I had the education I have now, think some of their relationships are on a path to healing. But, until we know the signs, learn to trust our gut and pay attention to the red flags, and know about the causes of addiction. We can put faith in the fact that our spouses are on the right road. Or that good start is gonna last. And so, I’ve heard many women say, I knew about this, I found out about this, and I thought X, Y, and Z. I thought we were on the road to recovery. I thought he was doing well. Things seemed better. And then I discovered this. Anne: Yeah, there are some people out there, some professionals that will say women know he’s lying and they’re in denial. I 100% do not agree with that. I think that’s victim blaming. Sometimes we don’t know. Sometimes we might sense something, but we take it to our abuser and he manipulates us. And that&#

If you’re wondering, “What does the bible say about boundaries in marriage?” Here’s what you need to know. To understand your situation, start with this free emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband is emotionally abusive. Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, shares boundaries from a Christian perspective on the free BTR podcast. Tune in to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. DOES THE BIBLE EVEN TALK ABOUT BOUNDARIES IN MARRIAGE? Believe it or not, one of the most important boundaries that a woman can set for herself is to identify the abuse, no matter how difficult it is. A lot of women worry about [identifying the abuse], because they think, ‘If I start focusing on it or I start to define the abuse then it will exist,’ but it exists anyways. The abuse is there whether you recognize it or not. Identifying it won’t make it worse, it will enable you to get to safety, which is awesome. Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Setting an Education & Empowerment Boundary Be on your guard. You need preparation. You need education about this. God doesn’t want us to stick our heads in the sand. Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery When women courageously choose to become educated about abuse and trauma, they may open the floodgates for difficult emotions like grief, anger, and fear. However, setting a boundary to learn about abuse and trauma can help victims lay a strong foundation as they begin their healing journey. Separating Yourself From Abuse: Safety Boundaries The primary purpose of a safety boundary is to facilitate a life that is as abuse-free as possible. Victims can give themselves permission to set boundaries that separate them from abusive behaviors. 2 Corinthians 6:17 says, ‘Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord…’ There is a clear call for boundary setting with someone who is not exhibiting healthy behaviors, ‘Be ye separate.’ Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Separating from an abuser can help a victim see more clearly and determine what next steps to take. What Do Safety Boundaries Look Like? Setting safety boundaries can be confusing for many victims of emotional abuse and betrayal. Some helpful ideas include the boundaries: “I do not have sex with an abusive partner.” “I choose to be treated with respect – if I am being abused, I will remove myself from that person and live somewhere else.” “Because I feel unsafe when my partner yells at me. When I begin to feel unsafe, I will leave the room before he has the chance to yell.” “If you set a boundary and you feel peace and you can breathe, because you feel safe, then you know that boundary is good.” -Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Boundaries In Marriage Anne: It’s just me today. Before I discovered the Living Free strategies. I searched to figure out our deliverance, even before I knew the word deliver. Myself and my children from a situation that we were in because we were being abused for eight years, post divorce. And I couldn’t figure out how to protect us. So I searched and prayed a lot. And this episode is from back then, when I was studying the scriptures a lot. So if you’re not interested in hearing me talk about scriptures, and what does the Bible say about boundaries in marriage? Maybe skip this episode. This is my study of boundaries. And since then, and through this process. I discovered the Living Free strategies. Which I used. And now my kids and I are completely free. And all the things I hoped for did come to pass. So that’s bringing me so much peace. And I love sharing this with you, with hope and faith. Knowing that this is possible, even though it might be very hard. My goal is to bring you hope to take one step at a time. You can find the Living Free strategies in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Which is a workshop that helps you see your husband’s true character, determine what is going on, and then gives you safety strategies. The workshop itself doesn’t have any scriptures in it. I wrote it in a secular way, so that it would apply to everyone, no matter what their faith or paradigm. Boundaries in the Scriptures Anne: In the back of the workbook, there is a section that relates to the scriptures I studied, If you’re interested. I wanted to make sure anyone could use these strategies, because they work for everybody. They work no matter what. Learn more by clicking this link. So the rest of this episode is from before then. When I studied about boundaries, I picked a specific pen color that I would read the scriptures with, and then I would underline and circle scriptures about boundaries. And then this episode explains when I came across the word delive

It’s hard to know what to do when your child watches inappropriate things. One dad shares his thoughts about protecting children from pornography. Discovering that your child has been exposed to inappropriate content, such as pornography, can be deeply upsetting. Many parents feel unsure of how to handle the situation—should you confront them? Punish them? Ignore it altogether? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR), we understand the complex emotions and challenges that come with situations like these. The reality is that these moments are opportunities to teach your child critical values that shape how they view themselves, women, and relationships. If you’re searching for information about this because you’re worried your husband is using pornography and your worried about when your child watches inappropriate things, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Why Should It Matter When Your Child Watches Inappropriate Things? Pornography isn’t harmless. It often perpetuates violence against women, portraying them as objects rather than equals, and reinforces exploitative behaviors for monetary gain. If you’re thinking you might be emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse quiz. These messages will influence your child’s beliefs about gender roles, relationships, and power dynamics in harmful ways. Teaching them healthy perspectives early is crucial to healthy relationships. Step 1: Stay Calm Finding out when your child watches inappropriate things can be triggering, especially if you’ve experienced betrayal trauma in your own marriage. However, staying calm is essential. Overreacting can shut down communication and make your child less likely to come to you in the future. Instead, approach the situation with understanding and curiosity. A conversation might start like this: “I noticed you came across something online that may seem confusing or upsetting. Can we talk about it?” By fostering an open dialogue, you establish trust and create a safe space for them to express themselves. Step 2: Teach Them to Be Feminists Teaching boys to respect women as equals is one of the most effective ways to combat the negative influences of pornography. Explain the importance of empathy, integrity, and valuing everyone as a person, not an object. Discuss what respect means in the context of friendships, relationships, and society. Share examples of strong women in your life or history who inspire you—they’ll start to understand the importance of equality in everyday life. If you’re experiencing emotional abuse in your own home, it will affect your kids. So learning strategies to keep yourself safe is important. Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to learn these emotional safety strategies. Step 3: When Your child watches inappropriate things: Explain How Women Are Exploited Help your child understand the grim reality of the pornography industry. Many videos online feature individuals who have been coerced, manipulated, or abused. Explain how exploitation often fuels these depictions, and why making ethical choices online matters. For example, you could say: “A lot of people in those videos are hurt or taken advantage of. Watching that kind of content supports something very harmful to others.” Shining a light on the exploitation behind pornography can help children grasp its consequences, fostering a sense of responsibility and compassion. When your child watches inappropriate things. Step 4: Teach Them Media Literacy The internet is full of content engineered to manipulate and desensitize users. Equip your child with the tools to critically evaluate what they see online. Teach them: How algorithms work to feed suggestive content. The importance of questioning the authenticity of what they see. That their choices online reflect and shape their values. When your child learns to think critically about what they’re exposed to, they gain the ability to make more informed decisions. Step 5: When your child watches inappropriate things: Create a Safe, Porn-Free Environment at Home When your child stumbles on inappropriate things because of your partner’s pornography use, it’s essential to address this issue on a family level. Some helpful first steps include: Using parental controls and content filters on household devices. Having regular conversations about internet safety. Setting clear family rules about technology use. Remember, a safe home starts with respect from all family members, including spouses. Step 6: Model Healthy Behavior Children absorb as much from what they see as from what they hear. Demonstrate mutual respect, healthy boundaries, and compassionate relationships in your daily interactions. If you’re in a challenging situation with a partner who uses pornography, listen to The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more about how to keep your children safe from inappropriate th

Are you struggling with self care after emotional abuse? Here are 6 ways to help yourself heal. Did you know there are 19 types of emotional abuse? To start your healing journey, first take this free emotional abuse quiz to determine exactly what type of emotional abuse you experienced. When They Call You Crazy: Self-Care Tip Tragically, their abusive partner, their families, friends, and others call many victims of betrayal, and relational abuse implicitly or outright “crazy.” The implications of being labeled crazy, codependent, and overly sensitive are intensely damaging to already-fragile victims. Others condition victims of relational abuse and betrayal to believe what others tell them, especially negative things about themselves (the victims). If you have been told that you are crazy, or any other distressing label, know that you are not crazy and you are not alone. One helpful self care after emotional abuse tip for women who have been treated so insidiously by others, is to find a safe person, or safe community, to validate you, support you, and answer your questions. When Everything Feels Confusing: Self-Care Tip Anne compares living in an abusive relationship to ending up stranded in the mountainous wilderness. You’ve survived, but you have no idea where you are, or how you will return to civilization alive. As victims try to understand what is happening to them, they may feel overwhelmed, depressed, and even terrified. Most women do not consider themselves victims of abuse until they have learned about abuse and trauma. Covert abuse is notoriously difficult to detect, and when victims spend their time trying to appease their abusive and unfaithful partner, they simply don’t have the time or energy to discern the abuse. If you are confused, lonely, and afraid to make decisions, a self-care after emotional abuse action that you might take is setting safety boundaries. Simply deciding what makes you feel safe emotionally, physically, and spiritually – versus what makes you feel unsafe. Jotting these points in a journal or on your computer may help you better understand your current safety level and what decisions you can make to increase your safety. When Life Is Falling Apart: Self-Care Tip Most victims of betrayal and abuse eventually reach a place where life feels completely unraveled. If you’re having trouble with the day-to-day tasks, or if the grief seems overwhelming to you, or if your husband’s “addiction” and all his recovery efforts have completely swallowed your self-care or identity, I invite you to take a step back, detach a little bit, and think, ‘What do I need to take care of myself? What habits do I need? Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery The chaos that abusive men create in relationships, families, and communities is so immense and overpowering that victims may feel that getting out of bed each day is an enormous feat, only possible with incredible grit and willpower. If you are feeling this level of trauma and exhaustion, consider your health with these questions: Did I eat enough today? Am I hydrated? If I’m not sleeping well at night, can I take a nap today? When women experience betrayal trauma, their bodies react by shutting down or going into hyper-drive. As victims decide to protect and nourish their own bodies through nutrition, hydration, and rest. They are better equipped to continue their journey to healing. I created the Meditations in The Living Free Workshop to help women immediately get relief from some of this trauma. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Supports Victims of Betrayal and Abuse At BTR, we understand betrayal trauma in marriage and the paralyzing devastation of abuse. Every single woman who has gone through this debilitating trauma deserves a safe place to process reality, ask important questions, express difficult feelings, and make connections with other victims. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets daily in every time zone and offers women a community of validation, support, and compassion. Join today and begin practicing the self care that will help you find true safety. Transcript: Self Care After Emotional Abuse Anne: Before I get to today’s topic, which is from a Wall Street Journal article entitled Standing Against Psychiatry’s Crazies. And also give you a self care update about where I am in my self care situation. I want to talk about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group. It is our daily support group. And we have 26 sessions per week in a four week month. That’s 104 sessions per month, which equals 156 live hours with a professional coach. That is the least expensive professional live support in the world. That comes down to 80 cents per hour. And we built it that way on purpose. Why did we do it like that? Because we’ve been through it. When I went through it, I didn’t know how to pay the bills. I literally didn’t know how to buy groceries, because my ex cut off my bank acco

Your husband’s infidelity is heartbreaking. As a Christian, this truth remains constant—you’re called to protect yourself from evil and pursue spiritual safety. If you’re looking for Christian help for infidelity, here’s what you need to know. If you’ve just discovered your husband’s infidelity, start with this free emotional abuse quiz to see if what else might be going on. What’s The Spiritual Problem? If you’ve been led to believe that the betrayal in your marriage is because you haven’t prayed enough or prayed enough yet. If your husband or clergy has told you that infidelity is your fault because you didn’t submit to him? These are evil lies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcKBBYifx2I The infidelity had nothing to do with how you communicate, how you look, or even how often you’ve been intimate. YOU are not the problem. Adultery is a sin. Nowhere in scripture does it say a man’s sins are the fault of his wife’s eye rolling. The real problem is your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse, his chronic lying, manipulation, gaslighting, sexual coercion, and financial secrecy. Christian Help For Infidelity The Best Christian Help For Infidelity: The Word of God Scripture reminds us of the importance of standing against wickedness and seeking freedom from harm. Here are a few powerful verses to encourage and guide you as you seek to deal with his infidelity as Christ would: Ephesians 5:11 – “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.” Proverbs 4:23 – “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” James 1:27 – “…to keep oneself unstained by the world.” These scriptures show that separating yourself from abuse and deception is what God wants for you—it’s biblical. You are not called to suffer in silence or endure abuse for the sake of appearances or misguided concepts of forgiveness. Healing From Infidelity Christian Jesus didn’t come to keep you stuck in pain. He came to bring freedom, peace, and healing. Luke 4:18-19 tells us His mission was to set captives free and lift up the oppressed. That doesn’t mean women should remain in a marriage where there’s infidelity or emotional abuse, sacrificing her well-being for a man who takes the name of God in vain when he claims to love God, but his actions prove otherwise. The Bible reminds us to pay attention to actions, not just words. Matthew 7:16 says, “You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles?” And in 1 John 3:18, we’re encouraged to “not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.” Healing After Infidelity Christian If your husband’s actions don’t reflect God’s love, He commands you to prioritize your safety and peace. Jesus came to deliver you from evil. He never asked you to submit to it. Facing Misguided Clergy or Pressure Sadly, some people might tell you to stay with a man who is hurting you or taking advantage of you. For example, kind people like clergy or members of your community might say this. They might even tell you that staying shows your faith or that it’s a good sacrifice. Also, others might say that if you just pray hard enough, God will change your husband. But, it’s important to remember that no one should have to stay in a situation where they are being hurt. Dealing With Infidelity As A Christian This is not what Christ intended. God calls us to live in safety and truth, not submission to evil. You don’t have to be an “abuse victim for Jesus.” Jesus fights for the oppressed and calls for justice. Of course, you can pray for your husband to repent, but what does that have to do with remaining in proximity to his harm? Christian help For Infidelity solutions The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop was taken from scripture. In studying what Christ said, we teach women to… Get Educated About Abuse: Hosea 4:6 My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee. Our Savior wants us to be educated, especially about abuse. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn about what other Christian women did when they discovered their husband’s infidelity. Infidelity Christian Counseling Establishing Safety: Learn strategies to protect yourself from emotionally, physically, and spiritually abusive behaviors. To learn more, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop Find the Right Support: Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions connect you with a coach who understands what you’re going through. She’ll help guide you toward clarity and peace. Biblical Help When You Discover Your Husband’s Infidelity The Bible encourages you to cast out evil from your presence. That is Christian help for infidelity. This could include separating from a husband who lies, manipulates, and emotionally abuses you. C

If you’ve found yourself typing “Is My Husband a Sex Addict?”, you’re not alone. For nearly two decades, I have helped women navigate betrayal. Through over 200 long-form interviews and more than 8,000 clients served, clear patterns emerge in the marriages of women asking this question. Most women don’t ask it casually. They ask it after discovering: Secretive online behavior Repeated lies Emotional affairs Physical affairs Gaslighting Explosive anger when confronted Blame-shifting Manipulation On The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, women share how they eventually discovered what was really happening. But here is what matters most: The label matters less than the impact on you. Is My Husband a Sex Addict? Start With Behavior, Not Labels Before trying to diagnose him, identify what behaviors you are experiencing. The question is not just whether he is addicted. The question is: Is he lying? Has he manipulated you? Does he use coercion to subtly threaten you? Is he emotionally safe? Below are the most common patterns I’ve seen in women who later realized their husbands were either addicted, abusive, or both. 10 Signs Your Husband May Be a Sex Addict 1. He Groomed You Early in the Relationship Many women describe feeling “swept off their feet.” Watch for early patterns like: Excessive attentiveness Constant texting Love-bombing Always having the “perfect answer” Pushing sexual or emotional boundaries, then apologizing Claiming he has never used inappropriate media Over-the-top generosity Grooming builds trust quickly. It creates emotional dependence before the deception is exposed. 2. He Has Secret Sexual Behavior Common patterns include: Use of inappropriate media Online sexual chatting Emotional affairs Physical affairs Hidden hotel stays Contact with multiple women Secrecy around sexual behavior is a major red flag. 3. He Lies Convincingly Many women describe feeling outsmarted. He may: Learn how you check up on him Outsmart tracking methods Turn suspicion into “paranoia” Rewrite history Make you question your memory This is not miscommunication. This is gaslighting. 4. He Makes You Feel Crazy When you sense something is wrong, he may respond with: “You’re paranoid.”“You’re imagining things.”“Other people think you overreact.” Over time, this erodes your trust in your own intuition. 5. He Explodes in Anger When Confronted Another common pattern: Name-calling Yelling Throwing things Intimidation Many women quickly learn to “stay in line” to prevent outbursts. This is coercive control, a form of domestic abuse. 6. Therapists Focus on Him — Not You One of the biggest dangers in the sex addiction model is that it often centers the addict. Women are frequently told: Don’t shame him Support his recovery Work on your triggers Be patient Help him heal Meanwhile, no one asks: Are you emotionally safe? Addiction-centered treatment can unintentionally silence victims. 7. He Uses “Addiction” to Avoid Accountability Addiction does not remove agency. Men still make choices. Many say: “I can’t help it.”“I have a disease.” But repeated choices create patterns. Addiction may explain behavior — but it does not excuse harm. 8. He Minimizes or Redefines His Harmful Behavior When confronted, many husbands: Promise change Claim therapy will fix everything Do the bare minimum Continue secret behavior Minimization is part of the cycle. 9. He Shifts Blame to You Common phrases include: “If you were more sexual…”“If you were more supportive…”“You’re too controlling…”“You’re the reason I hide things…” Blame-shifting is not recovery. It is manipulation. 10. You Feel Relief When You’re Away From Him This may be the clearest sign. Many women report that after separation or space, they feel more calm, confident, and stable. Relief is information. Is He Really an Addict? Or Is It Something Else? Here’s the hard truth: If you ask, “Is my husband a sex addict?” and pursue the addiction model alone, your next steps often focus on helping him. 12-step programs Addiction therapy Recovery support for him But if you recognize abuse, your next steps shift toward: Am I safe? What boundaries do I need? What support do I need? The way you define what’s happening determines your next move. The Problem With the Sex Addiction Model The addiction framework can be dangerous because: It centers his struggle. The addiction therapist may invite you to pity him. It discourages calling behavior abusive. It can desensitize women to manipulation. When women are told not to “shame” him, they often silence themselves instead. If He Is Lying to You, That Alone Is Enough You do not need a clinical diagnosis. If he: Lies repeatedly Gaslights Hides sexual behavior Explodes in anger Uses manipulation Refuses accountability That is enough information. Whether you call him an addict or an abuser, the impact on you is abuse. Final Answer: Is My Husband a Sex Addict? Maybe. But the more urgent question is: Is he trustworthy? You do not need to diagnose him to know