Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Victims of betrayal desperately want to protect their families from harmful material. Cleanbrowsing is one way to filter your internet to keep your family safe. Daniel Cid, founder of Cleanbrowsing, joins Anne on the free The Betrayal Trauma Reccovery Podcast to empower families to stay safe from online harms. What Is Cleanbrowsing? Cleanbrowsing is software designed to protect children and adults from harmful online material. If you need support after discovering your husband’s exploitative materials use, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Cleanbrowsing DNS – How One Mom Protected Her Children Online Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Daniel Cid with me today. He is the founder of Cleanbrowsing and I’ve asked him on to help me resolve my router issues, in regard to how do I protect my router at home. Then we’ll also be talking about how to protect our families a little bit more. We are very happy to have him on, welcome Daniel. Daniel: Thank you, glad to be here. Anne: Daniel tell me about how Cleanbrowsing started? Daniel: To explain how we started, I’ll have to go back just a little bit further in my life, just to give you some more context. I’ve been working with computer security pretty much my whole adult life. As a software engineer my main job for many years was actually helping people in companies respond to computer crime and hacking incidents and using software to improve their security. That got me to see a lot of the bad part of internet. And that made me really paranoid about how we use computers and how we can protect ourselves while you’re online. Safe Browsing Is Cleanbrowsing Going back 3 years ago, my oldest child, he was 8 years old, he wanted an ipad, an iphone, a laptop, everything. We thought that a laptop would be a safer way for him to get started online. For him to learn about tech, about coding. We had to pay much closer attention to proper content. How about things like exploitative material, extreme violence. I didn’t want any of my kids to have any exposure to that. I wanted to provide them a clean and safe browsing experience. That’s where the name came from, Cleanbrowsing. I wanted them to get the beauty part of the internet without the dirty side of it. Back then I tried a bunch of tools and none of them actually did what I thought they were supposed to. In fact, even some of the most popular at the time, didn’t do the basics of even enforcing safe search on Google. So, you went to Google and type in bad words and you’d see all the dirty images. Cleanbrowsing Helps Families That didn’t give me confidence at all that I could give to my child, let’s say a laptop, and he’d be able to use the web safely, right? I kind of decided well, I’ll try to build something better. Something that I can use for my own family. Going into just a little bit technical right. I visited every website on the internet and tried to identify if any website had nudity, had indication of violence content, had exploitative material, curse words. It’s kind of similar to identifying and looking for malware, but I was looking for these other variables. Anne: So, basically, you’re like a super genius? Daniel: No, I’m not a genius at all, I just love security, just love to code, and I love to solve problems. And I felt something that struck deep down to me. I was like no, that’s something I need to solve for myself and if I am having this problem I assume a lot of parents are having the same problem. I just start scanning every website in the world and tagging them. Easy site PG, easy site PG13, easy site safe for work, not safe for work. And that’s kind of like how we started 3 year ago. Cleanbrowsing Can Be Easy I connected Cleanbrowsing to this engine, this database, so that every time that you tried to use the website your browser does what we call a DNS request. So, for example, if you try to visit, let’s one of these sites, you get an error saying sorry this site doesn’t exist in your browser. So, that’s kind of like how Cleanbrowsing works and how we came to be. Sorry for the long answer. Anne: No that’s awesome. For a site like mine that mentions the word pornography, as we’re trying to help people protect their families, would a site like mine somewhat geared toward online infidelity and cheating come through if you were using Cleanbrowsing on your router? Daniel: Yeah, it would be allowed because on our categorizer it tries to identify what’s really a harmful site and what’s just, for example, an educational site or church site that’s helping people with an addiction. It really tries to be smart about that. Whenever we find an error we go in and manually fix it because your site is allowed of course, and many others that talk about it; sex education, phases of addiction, they’re allowed. Anne: Ok, fantastic. Well I am excited! Daniels actually going to help me put it on my router, you can listen as we go through that process if

Lindsay, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shares her experience doing an in-home separation, Lindsey offers valuable insight to empower listeners. If you need support, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Why Choose In-Home Separation? Sometimes women want to separate themselves from their abusive husband’s behaviors, but for one reason or another can’t physically move to another space. In-home separations offer temporary safety (if your husband respects the separation agreement), while not causing financial strain on the family. Further, in-home separations can preserve the current family dynamic if children are struggling to adapt to a more intense separation. An in-home separation is rarely a situation that a couple can/wants to maintain long-term. Eventually, the abusive husband will choose to change and become non-abusive and honest, or will simply continue on the destructive path of betrayal and abuse. When your in-home separation isn’t providing you with the safety that you deserve, it may be time to ask your husband to move out, for you to move out, and/or consider filing for divorce. It’s important for victims to understand that abusive men hitting benchmarks (going to therapy, attending support groups, etc.) does NOT mean that they are changing. As women become empowered, they are better able to understand what real change looks like. Transcript: Can In-Home Separation Help Me? Anne: I have my friend with me today, Lindsey, not her real name. She’s actually here in my basement where I record. I was talking to a woman at a conference and she said, I wasn’t meant to live one day at a time. And I thought that’s so true. Like I want to be able to plan. I want to be able to have peace. I want to be able to have emotional safety. There are obviously painful things that happen. No matter how hard we try, we can’t avoid them. The Concept of Betrayal Trauma Lindsay: Because whether it’s betrayal trauma or whether it’s a child dying, whatever your trial is, that is way too hard. It’s not fair. Anne: Yeah. What about your situation left you feeling hopeless Lindsay: When I discovered that there’s this thing called betrayal trauma. On top of that, not just betrayal trauma, but also there is secondary trauma and it’s real. You can have secondary trauma from ecclesiastical leaders, from therapists, therapists out there, resources out there that claim we help with betrayal trauma and yet they don’t. Lindsay: It’s real and yet I have nowhere to turn because I don’t know who is safe. Anne: That’s why I created Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Trusting Your Gut & Finding Safety Anne: Since then, have you developed a system where you can feel like, when you can’t trust your husband. This is how I would know if someone’s safe or not? Lindsay: Mainly trusting my gut. I mean, learning to trust myself and to trust God. When I feel safe, I feel peace. And if there’s something that isn’t safe or that feels off, it’s almost like a little flag goes off in my brain that says, wait, this is either totally unsafe or I just need to learn more. Ask some more questions and figure out what’s going on. Because sometimes people say things in a way that is unsafe, but they didn’t intend to say it that way. Anne: Like me! I did all the time. In fact, right when Lindsay got here, she was like, look at this new pamphlet! And I was like, ah! They took the word abuse off! And I went on a, what, how long was it? Maybe four minute rant about how mad I was that they removed the word abuse. And then I was like, I gotta calm down. I said a prayer, and I’m feeling fine now. And do you feel safe now? Lindsay: Absolutely. Anne: But I bet while I was on the rant, you were like, Oh, this can’t be good. Right? You were kind of like, Oh, no, we can’t record with her like this. And I was recognizing it. Triggers & Emotional Reactions Anne: It’s funny, it’s funny when I get triggered. I don’t know if you think it’s funny when you get triggered. When I get triggered, I think it’s funny because I can see it. I’m like oh, I know I’m doing this and I have to make that mental shift to say what would be the most helpful thing to do right now? So I apologize that I went on my rant. Lindsay: It’s been helpful for me to reevaluate my perspective on life. It’s really a hard process to do, that is to say, I am questioning everything. Thinking about what I understand about my world, my higher power, relationships with my family and with my friends. Yet that process of questioning has been, in a lot of ways, very healing for me. I can feel the growth that I’ve had over the last two years. Anne: Yeah, that’s what I experienced too. And I loved that. Looking back, I didn’t so much like it when I was goi

Dating after narcissistic abuse isn’t easy. I know because I’ve been there. If you’re healing from narcissistic abuse and need place to share your feelings, attend a Before I started dating, I attended Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. For me, dating after narcissistic abuse was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, from the initial shock of realizing what I’d been through to the gradual process of rebuilding my sense of self-worth and rediscovering what healthy love truly means. I didn’t take things fast because I’d already been in an abusive relationship in college. I wanted to do things “right” this time. But you can’t do things right with a narcissistic abuser. Pretty soon, the patterns started to show, and I realized I was in an abusive relationship. How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse: Identifying The Signs Gaslighting Using coercion as means of control Avoiding attachment to punish and control Blaming and shaming the victim Creating an environment where the victim has to walk on eggshells to avoid altercations and emotional abuse Preparing to Date After Narcissistic Abuse Before I started dating, I attended Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, where I realized that there are others who’ve been through similar experiences. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one was a huge source of comfort and validation. Preparing To Date By Learning How To Set Boundaries I enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop and learned how to set effective boundaries. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOMv_cos0vE Dating Myself After Narcissistic Abuse Eventually (for me, it was about a year), I decided I wanted to start dating again. I decided to start by “dating myself.” It was a really fun process! And something I’d never done before. I’d take myself out to dinner, go on long walks, rent a movie, or take a night drive. I started journaling, which is something I’d never, ever done in my life. I even wrote myself love letters. 🙂 About six months into my “dating myself” era, I decided to start dating other people besides myself :). New Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse At first, it was really, really scary. I was terrified that I would find another abuser and end up repeating the cycle. So I pulled back and went back to dating myself again. But gradually, the desire came back and I put myself out there again. My advice? Going too fast too soon? Notice if they struggle to understand or care about your feelings or others’ emotions. Do they seem like they were made just for you? Be wary if they constantly crave excessive praise or need to be the center of attention. Trying to make you feel sorry for them? Watch out for signs they believe they deserve special treatment. Do you feel like they just have a few things to learn, and they’d be amazing? Be cautious if you constantly make excuses for their behavior or believe they will change with time. Weird moments where their reaction surprises you negatively, making you think you did something wrong (when you didn’t)? Check for signs of manipulation or attempts to control situations to their advantage. Do they ask about you and your life, or is it just monologues back and forth? Do they claim their ex was abusive or crazy? Do you have a sense that things will get better, like when they graduate or quit their job? This is called Future Faking. Be cautious if they promise a better future without taking real steps towards it. Emotionally draining, chaotic drama: Think about how you feel after hanging out with them. Do they leave you feeling exhausted or worn out? Finding True Love After Narcissistic Abuse Finding love after narcissistic abuse is possible. It may take time, patience, and a whole lot of self-love, but trust me when I say that you’re worth it. So take a deep breath, trust in yourself, and know that brighter days are ahead. You’ve got this.

Is infidelity abuse? Has he lied to you? Emotionally manipulated you? Here’s how to know if his infidelity was emotionally abusive to you. To learn if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. If you relate to any part of this episode and need support, check out our Daily Group Session schedule. Transcript: Is Infidelity Abuse? Anne: It is humbling to welcome Dr. Omar Minwalla on today’s episode. Dr. Minwalla is a clinical sexologist and a licensed psychologist. We’re talking about, is infidelity abuse. Welcome Dr. Minwalla. You’re careful in how you decide to label and define things. So can you start with some definitions? Dr. Minwalla: Sure, let’s review how sex addiction is typically defined. Some professionals use compulsive sexual behavior. Some professionals use sex addiction. Either of those terms is used to describe a disorder related to behavior, where significant negative consequences occur. With addicts, I realized patterns of interpersonal abuse. Another way of saying that is having a secret sexual life or world while you’re in a relationship or family. Is in and of itself, a form of abuse. In many ways, it’s type of sociopathic behavior. And what I mean is it’s a selfish worldview where often the welfare of others is not respected. There’s often a lack of remorse or guilt. And there’s often an externalization of blame or responsibility. It’s in essence a long-term pattern of disregarding and violating the rights of others, particularly family members and your intimate partner. While sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior focus on the behaviors themselves, they usually don’t have a clear diagnosis or labeling of the integrity, abuse, and relational conduct problems. Anne: I talk with many people who say abuse is going too far. It’s making it way more serious than it needs to be. And I’m thinking without the label of abuse, it does not correctly express the severity of the situation. Dr. Minwalla: You brought up a really good point, which is that some people feel it’s going too far. I trained as a clinical sexologist. Clinical Terminology & Deceptive Sexual Life as Abuse Dr. Minwalla: My training was in sexual offending and offenders. And one of the first things you learn in training is to use appropriate terms. And so, when there’s emotional abuse or psychological abuse. In terms of what we’re talking about, not using the word abuse is actually clinically inaccurate. I think many sex addiction professionals receive training from an addiction perspective. And don’t have much training in abuse or how to treat perpetrators of any kind. So I think there is a tendency to consider using the word abuse as somehow overreaching, shaming the addict or demonizing the addict. The minute somebody has a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual life, and they’re in an intimate relationship or in a family system. That, in and of itself, is a form of abuse. Is infidelity abuse? It’s abusive in many ways. First of all, to maintain a deceptive reality, one has to tell all sorts of lies and must, by nature, be dishonest in the relationship. So there are often patterns of lying or lying by omission. There are often partial truths. One of the most abusive aspects is that there’s often a lot of intentional manipulation of the partner’s reality. Which is sometimes referred to as gaslighting. It’s very damaging in terms of eroding and hurting her relationship with her gut instincts. Impact on Gut Instincts & Erosion of Relationship Integrity Dr. Minwalla: Usually somebody’s gut instincts can detect that there’s something going on, whether the person becomes conscious of it or not. Usually our gut instincts are somewhat aware. And in terms of gaslighting, if she confronts or brings something up. Then the abuser or the addict intentionally manipulates her away from that truth, and gets her to ignore her gut instincts. That’s damaging to her gut instincts, which is a very important survival mechanism that we all need. We all need a good relationship with our gut instincts. So, this intentional psychological manipulation of a partner over many years can be extremely damaging to her gut instinct and her ability to use that to make good decisions. Even just lying in a relationship is abusive. So if you have years and years of lying and maintaining a secret world while pretending to be honest in a relationship or in a family, that in and of itself is damaging. Whether the person knows about the secret sexual world or not. The fact that there is a deceptive reality is already eroding and hurting the possibility that integrity can even exist in the relationship or in the family. Integrity is a fundamental attribute of a healthy relationship or family. So if somebody chips away or erodes the int

After betrayal, many women wonder if he would have stayed faithful if they had improved their appearance. But that’s not true. Here’s how treating body image issues after betrayal can help women move forward. Why Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues? Betrayal attacks a woman’s sense of self-worth, affecting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These types of betrayal will inevitably injure a woman and cause body image issues that are no fault of her own: A husband’s use of inappropriate media Emotional, physical, or virtual affairs Verbal and emotional abuse How Betrayal Can Cause Body Image Issues Part of betrayal is often emotional abuse, which is the main cause of body image issues. To discover if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse tactics, take our free emotional abuse test. 3 Things About Body Image Related to Betrayal 1. Betrayal Happens to Every Type of Woman When you’re healing from your husband’s betrayal, it’s easy to believe his lies that you could have done something to prevent it. hat’s not true. Even stunning actresses, musicians, and supermodels have faced betrayal. Why? Because cheating isn’t a result of how attractive, strong or amazing you are. Infidelity is a choice that a man makes because he lacks care and respect for his partner. That’s it. 2. When You’re Feeling Sad About Your Body Focus on Healing The Trauma Sometimes it’s about more than just your reflection. Healing from betrayal often brings flashbacks of hurtful things he may have said or done. It’s natural for those experiences to resurface. Here are some ways to refocus on the truth: Breathe and Acknowledge Your Feelings Take a moment to ground yourself. Deep breaths can help calm the emotional storm. Then, instead of pushing feelings aside, acknowledge them. “I feel sad/shaken/hurt about X,” and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The betrayal trauma meditations in my workshop help women work through the emotional pain for infidelity. Repeat Affirmations That Heal Counter the negative thoughts with kind ones. Repeat phrases like, “My worth isn’t defined by anyone else’s actions,” or “I am strong, valuable, and healing.” Protect Yourself from Flashbacks If flashbacks of cruel comments or situations are overwhelming, use meditation or grounding techniques like wrapping yourself in a blanket, holding an object in your hand, or listening to calming music. These can help bring you back to the present and remind you that you’re beautiful just the way you are. Prioritize Rest Healing is exhausting work, and that’s okay. Your mind and body need rest. Take a nap, go to bed early, or enjoy a quiet moment with tea—even just 10 minutes to yourself can help. If trauma from betrayal has left you lost or feeling depressed about your body, learning more about this type of abuse can help you have confidence. Listen to the Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 3. You Need Support When Betrayal Has Damaged Your Self Image You don’t have to tackle this alone. Nobody should handle the fallout of betrayal by themselves. There’s something remarkably healing about connecting with others who’ve been through similar experiences. Women with experience with this can offer empathy, advice, or even just an ear when you need it most. On bad body image days, lean on support systems to lift you back up. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to connect with women who truly understand betrayal trauma and how it affects our body image. Just share how you’re feeling. You don’t need to have all the answers or explain everything. A simple “Hey, I’m having a tough day” is enough to start to feel better. Having a supportive network, whether it’s friends, family, or a professional community, can make all the difference. Transcript: Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Katherine. And then I’m also interviewing Courtney who runs Bra Fittings by Court and helps women who have been traumatized in this way heal from their body image issues. I’m going to interview Katherine first. She actually wrote down how her husband’s betrayal affected the way she viewed her body image. Welcome, Katherine. How did your husband’s betrayal affect your body image? Katherine: In my own life comparison has been something I’ve struggled with. For a while, it was difficult for me to be in public, either with my husband or without him. When I would see attractive women in public, I felt incredibly traumatized. It really was difficult for me to go out into public for a while and watch TV because I just felt like I didn’t measure up. Impact of Betrayal on Body Image Then another area body image affect me my husband and I began to become intimate again, I was so traumatized and felt so negative about my body. The messages I to

Emotional abuse and intimate betrayal can make you feel small. What does it mean to find your voice? To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. How Can I Find My Voice When I’m Experiencing Emotional Abuse & Intimate Betrayal? Finding your voice does not mean confronting your abuser. In fact, that can be dangerous for you. Instead, find your voice by: Journaling about your experiences Sharing your story with a trusted friend Attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to hear other stories of betrayal trauma & emotional abuse Taking a self-defense course However you choose to find your voice, know that your story is important. Your experiences are real, and we believe you. Transcript: Find Your Voice After Emotional Abuse Anne: I have Allyson on the podcast today. She’s an advocate for women and a believer in self-defense. She has a black belt in traditional TaeKwonDo and helps teach women’s self-defense classes to help them find their voice and meaning after abuse. Welcome, Allyson. Allyson: Oh, thank you. It’s good to be here. Anne: So, what does “find your voice” mean to you? Allyson: It was definitely a long time coming. I came from a home of abuse. I’ve had experiences of men following me, pestering me. I’m short and tiny and an easy target. It was important to me not to be a target anymore. I decided to attend martial arts classes. I wanted to learn technique, because when a guy is six feet plus, he’s got a lot of mass behind him. And if you know what you’re doing, technique wins. Even with the enormous size difference. You can get out, escape, defend yourself. And of course, you always feel dumb going in there. You know, people are looking at me a little funny, and you’re like, you want me to do what? You want me to, are you sure? I went from scared to do anything. To where I am now today, I’m teaching women how to defend themselves. Anne: Making meaning in finding our voices takes time and effort. We can do it in various ways. I started podcasting, I garden. Empowerment Through Self-Defense Anne: How did self-defense empower you to find your voice to recover from emotiona abuse? I’m guessing they taught you ways of using your voice to defend yourself. Allyson: My biggest one is don’t be afraid to turn around and face your attacker. Whoever is tailing you, the easiest way to get out of something without him touching you is to face him eye to eye. For example, I was out grocery shopping. This guy just started following me with an empty cart. And at first I was like, okay, maybe you just need one item, but no, he just kept on following me. He wasn’t picking up vegetables, nothing. He was intently and closely following me. And of course, my hackles rose. I turned around. I looked him straight in the eye and I was like, do you need something? Can I help you? And that’s all it took. He left his cart and ran. I have friends who worked at the prison, and he’s like, honestly, if women knew the power they have by making eye contact, like, I’m not going to put up with this. These men want an easy target. They want somebody who’s not going to scream, the person who’s going to freeze. As soon as you put up, who are you? What is your name? What do you want? And it’s the tone of your voice. You notice my voice changed when I said that? I wasn’t nice to this guy. It was either you tell me what you want or you beat it. So that right there is power. Do not think you are powerless. An Example Of How To Find Your Voice Anne: If we can prepare our daughters and also train ourselves now that we know more, what to expect. When I was young, my mom told me, if you’re ever being raped, look him straight in the eye and say loudly and clearly, this is rape and I will prosecute. I see you and I know what you’re doing. And I’ve taught my daughter that from a very young age. I’ve also taught all my kids basic self-defense. An abusive man feels entitled to your attention, and your body. And it’s shocking. Sometimes we don’t want people to talk to us, and it’s okay for us to say, no, thank you, and just move on. So I have a policy in my home that I do not open the door for anyone I do not know, like a door to door salesman. And I mentioned that I loved gardening. One day, I was in my front yard. One of these sales people walked up to me and started talking to me. I interrupted him after he said maybe one word and said, I’m not interested. Please go away immediately. I didn’t even listen to him for a second. Instead of going away immediately, he started asking me questions. Like, oh, what are you doing? How long have you … And I said, stop talking. I’ve told you, I don’t want to talk to you. Go away, then he actually continued t

Women who discover their husband’s infidelity might wonder, what does the Bible say about divorce? If you’re experiencing this type of emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior from your husband, here are some scriptures from the Bible about divorce you need to know. If you’re considering divorce, it’s important to determine if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Divorce? Anne: It’s just me today. Many women want to know. What does the Bible say about divorce? Regarding divorce, the Bible can be interpreted in different ways, but I wonder if we take a step back. And look at all the other issues related to what our husband is doing. And then maybe that is what the Bible says about divorce. For example, I did an episode called What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries in Marriage? Divorce is a boundary. And in that episode, I talked a lot about how God commands women to separate themselves from evil, so it may not necessarily say the word divorce. But he is commanding us to separate ourselves from people who would harm us. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is interfaith and inter paradigm. So, if you don’t want to hear Christian scriptures, skip this episode. I happen to be Christian. And so reading scriptures helps me process things. But if you’re not, and want to skip this episode, go ahead and do that. A lot of times I speak from a secular place, so everybody feels welcome here. And I welcome everyone’s experience. The rest of this episode is from a recording I did years ago when I was still processing what was happening to me. I was reading the scriptures a lot to try to find peace and hope. And through doing that, I discovered the strategies I now teach in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. And through those strategies, I believe God completely delivered my children and me, from my ex’s abuse. That we were still experiencing eight years post divorce. Personal Journey & Strategies Anne: These strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. And they work whether you’re Christian or not. When I taught the strategies in the Living Free Workshop, I did not teach them in a religious context. I just taught them. This is the strategy, and this is how you implement it. The intent is to help you determine your husband’s true character, to see it. And many of the scriptures I studied years ago that you’ll hear in this recording today. Things about what the Bible says about divorce, and to perceive things accurately. And that is my goal for all women, regardless of their faith or paradigm. How can we accurately perceive our husband’s character? And then what strategies do we need to use to protect ourselves? And if you’re interested in listening to what I sounded like years ago and how I was processing these things, then join me in learning what the Bible say about divorce. Here’s that recording: I was studying the New Testament from the Bible, and those who are not Christian, hopefully you can still glean some wisdom and insight from my studies. I want to dedicate this episode to some of the verses that I read. They are applicable to our situation. Similarly, there are some very misogynistic verses in the Bible, particularly by Paul. I will not focus on those today. If you’re wondering about these scriptures that say women should be silent, they shouldn’t speak in church, or they should obey their husbands, read the book, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessie. That is on our website, btr.org/ books. You want to be sure you are reading the right kind of Marriage Bible Reference. She really puts all those types of scriptures in context, and I don’t want to focus on those today. God’s Boundaries for Safety Anne: If you’ve read those scriptures and thought, what is going on with these verses? What is the Bible really saying about divorce? I highly recommend that book. What I wanted to talk about was scriptures that can bring us comfort. And also help us know what the bible says about boundaries in marriage. that setting boundaries is God’s way of helping us stay safe. I believe God is a God of boundaries, and the commandments are to protect ourselves. And they’re also to protect other people. So for example, if we do not lie, we are protecting other people, and it is a way to show love for ourselves and our fellow men. So as I go through some of these scriptures, you’ll see some patterns emerge. I read from the King James Version, so if you use a different translation or version, I’ll just say the scriptures and the verses. So I’m going to start in Matthew 5. This one struck me. This is the Sermon on the Mount, and 10 and 11 apply to us. It says, “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” “Ble

Are you looking for the best emotional abuse support groups online? Here’s what you need to know. 1. Does The Online Emotional Abuse Support Group Have Other Resources? The best emotional abuse support groups online have educational resources like a podcast, workshops, or even quizes to help you understand exactly what’s happening to you. For example, did you know there are over 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types. 2. Do The Online Emotional Abuse Support Groups Cover All Types of Emotional Abuse? If the support group doesn’t understand betrayal trauma, which is emotional abuse caused by infidelity and deceit, then the group may not meet your needs. 3. Does the Support Group Meet Multiple Times a Day in ALL Time Zones? There’s no telling when your husband will be emotionally abusive. When something happens and you need support right away, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session for emotional abuse. Check out the Group Session schedule. 4. Does The Emotional Abuse Support Group Actually Help You Get To Emotional Safety? A lot of support groups blame you for what’s going on. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we never victim blame. Instead, we help victims figure out exactly what’s going on and what to do next through our Living Free Workshop. Transcript: The Best Emotional Abuse Support Groups Online Anne: I’m very excited to have my new friend. We’re going to call her Lacey, on today’s episode. We spent the weekend at a conference for abuse victims. I’ll cover what makes the best online emotional abuse support groups in just a minute. There are four things that you really need to watch out for. But before I want to welcome Lacey, welcome. Lacey: Hello Anne, thanks for having me. Initially just friends and maybe counselors and books, I would read them and listen to it, and it didn’t resonate with me. So as I dug further, I started learning words like betrayal trauma. You know, I didn’t even know that’s what I had. So I didn’t know those are the words I needed to search for. I just started stumbling across things, so I had to weed through a lot of things that were not helpful before I could get to the things that were. Even with books they suggested, sometimes you’re just not in a place where you can sit down and read and comprehend a book. Betrayal Trauma Recovery for me was just something consistent, weekly. That I could turn on and listen to. What you were saying was resonating with me. So I took your advice. It was good for me when I found BTR because it’s a consistent voice of reason that I could turn to. Listening doesn’t take nearly as much brain power as sitting down and studying or something like that. Promoting Betrayal Trauma Recovery & Helping Others Lacey: You were just talking about the conference. I wouldn’t have known anything about that if it hadn’t been for the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast because there are not a lot of resources in my area. Even the counselor I’m seeing isn’t trained in this area. She doesn’t know about resources like books and things that you suggest on BTR. And I just want to do my best to help other ladies find it quickly, more quickly than I did. It’s great with the podcast, I can go back and re listen. Before I got on with you, I was listening to a few things. You know, I probably will not have my own podcast or website or anything like that. It’s difficult for me to talk about these things with people in person. I want to do my best to promote you in the best way possible to help other people. Anne: I’m grateful for your support. You’ve listened to the podcast since the beginning, and one of the things you mentioned is that you wanted other women to know about Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it covers things emotional abuse victims need to know. And you were talking about how easy it is to help women find us. Just follow the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts by actually clicking the follow button. Because the more subscribers or followers the podcast has, the more the algorithm shows this podcast to women when they’re searching for help. Like you said, you were searching for things, but you didn’t know to type in betrayal trauma in to Google because you didn’t know what you were searching for, exactly. Lacey: Right. Anne: Then finally, when you found the word betrayal trauma, you found us, you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Improving Online Visibility Anne: So as women search around, they search for words like infidelity, cheating, or addiction. Lots of women are searching for narcissism stuff, lying, “How do I help my marriage?” Or betrayal trauma in relationships. It’s rare that a woman with marriage troubles goes immediately to Google and types in betrayal trauma.

Therapy not working like you hoped? Most people don’t know the signs of an abusive therapist. When Dee went to her therapist for anxiety, she expected to feel better. Instead, she was gaslit, groomed, devalued, and discarded. Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. They are multiple times a day for women only, so you will feel safe. Transcript: Signs Of An Abusive Therapist Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Dee. She has two children. She’s a mostly stay at home mom, but sometimes she works as an art teacher to kids at her church. She’s taken up cycling as a form of exercise, and it’s been helpful for her to be outdoors. During this journey of healing, she also enjoys yoga and reading. She has struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age. So she started therapy in 2018. And initially, she went to a mental health hospital for intensive outpatient therapy, because her anxiety had become so debilitating. And there she met an abusive therapist and was his client for 10 months. She’s going to talk about her experience with this therapist a bit today. So many women who follow Betrayal Trauma Recovery or listen to the podcast have gone to therapy for help. But when they went to therapy, it worsened, and sometimes they didn’t recognize it for a long time. In Dee’s case, it was 10 months. An Abusive Therapist May Seem Like A “Perfect Fit” Anne: So let’s talk about your story. You go to this abusive therapist. Did you know that you were his first client in his private practice? Dee: Yes, I did. Anne: And what makes you think this is a good therapist for me? Dee: When I was at the mental health hospital, we had a substitute therapist come in one day. It was a group therapy dynamic. And our regular therapist was out that day, and he came in as a substitute, and I had a side conversation with him during a break. I appreciated his response and felt like he knew where I was coming from. And so whenever we left that program, they want you to be set up with a therapist outside of there, so that you could continue your care. He had mentioned to me that he was starting his own practice. And when our regular therapist came back, the next day I was talking to her about trying to find someone. And I consider going to a Christian counselor. Because I felt like that might be the right fit for me. She discouraged me from going that route. She wasn’t sure if that would be the most helpful type of therapy for me. And I don’t remember her reasoning now, but I do remember saying to her, well, this other person that came in said he’s starting his own practice, and she said, yeah, I think he would be a good fit for you. The Vulnerability Of Intensive Therapy Dee: In that moment, I was still struggling in where I was, and it was hard to pick a person off a list I’d never seen, never talked to. And I trusted her opinion. I know that she was coming from a good place. And I don’t think she had any idea what I was stepping into. I just didn’t even feel equipped to make certain decisions at that point. And I trusted her opinion on that matter. Anne: Well, especially, you’ve been in intensive outpatient therapy. So, you’re in a very vulnerable place at this time. Dee: Yes, absolutely. I’ve dealt with anxiety, but it became, when I say debilitating, I mean, I was barely sleeping. I had stopped eating even the last few days before I finally got into their care. It was just to a breaking point, and I knew that and I needed help. I don’t know where to go for help, and I hear of this place that is pretty close to me. I decided to do something, and that seemed like the most reasonable next step. And I trust that anybody at their facility was somebody I could rely on to be a safe place. Anne: Yeah, because why would you think any differently? That makes sense. It’s Not Your Fault If Your Therapist Has Abused You Anne: In that first meeting, because your decision was basically based on that first meeting with him on the side conversation, and then also her recommendation, would you characterize that now looking back as grooming? When I say grooming, I wonder if the things he says to you are like narcissists. I can’t diagnose him, because I’ve never met him. I’m just talking from your perspective, but they’re good at reflecting back what people are saying. So many women who are dating narcissists or meet them feel like, Oh, this is my soulmate, right? They understand me. So when I say grooming, I’m also asking about that side conversation where you feel, wow, he understands what I’m saying. Do you see that part as grooming? Dee: Maybe not so much as grooming. I later question if I’m targeted for some reason. This is a difficult question to ask yourself, because then you ask you

If you’re wondering, “Am I over my ex?” The question itself may tell you all you need to know. 1. Why Are you Asking, Am I Over My Ex? Ask yourself why you’re asking this question. The fact that you’re asking probably means you’re still struggling with some aspect of the relationship. And it might not even be him, it might actually be the emotional abuse you endured. To find out if you experienced any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 2. If You Were Manipulated, You’ll Heal When You Know The Truth Consider that you’re not working toward getting over your ex, you’re actually healing from all the lies he told you to deliberately mess with your mind. You might not need to know the details, but knowing that he’s a liar can be enough to help you get over him. To learn more about this type of emotional abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 3. You’ll Know You’re Over Your Ex If Your Stomach Churns If your stomach churns when you see a text from him. Or you want to crawl under a rock if you see him out and about, it’s likely that you’re totally over him. Even if you’re over your ex, you’ll likely still need to heal from the emotional damage he caused. You’ll need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Am I Over My Ex? Anne: Since I’ve been podcasting for a long time and talked with women all over the world. One of the questions women sometimes ask is, am I over my ex? This next part of this episode is actually from one of the first episodes I ever recorded. I tell a story of how I knew I was feeling better. Since this time, I have used the strategies I developed in the Living Free Workshop to heal from all this emotional and psychological abuse and protect myself. To learn more about the Living Free Workshop strategies, click this link. The rest of this episode will be that recording. From one of my first podcast episodes. I hope you enjoy it. I wanted to do an update my own personal recovery. Because I was not angry for a long time. I was just super sad, and now I’m very angry. So my children are immature. Because they’re 8, 5 and 3 year old children. For example, I’ll say to my son, You need to do this. And he’ll kind of ignore me and walk around and not do it. I’ll say, you need to do this. And he ignores me. Then I’ll say, you really need to do this. And he’ll say, What? You didn’t tell me this before. I know he heard me. And that triggers the same types of things that happen with my ex. This feeling of I’m saying something, but he’s not taking me seriously. So last night, I talked to a friend, and she said, that’s common with all children. Comparing Addict Behavior Anne: He’s not acting like an addict. And I said, actually, that’s not true, because addicts act like eight year olds. They’re immature, so they act like a five year old. So basically, I am face to face with the same types of behaviors in my addict spouse. Except for in three, five, and eight year olds. That’s appropriate behavior for their age. It’s age appropriate. They’re learning how to tell the truth, how to listen, and how to interact with people. It’s appropriate for a five year old. Not appropriate for a 50 year old man, not at all. So I’m seeing these immature, age appropriate behaviors from my very young children. Trigger the trauma of the exact same behaviors from my immature, addict, lying ex-husband who is almost 40 years old. . So immediately after my husband’s arrest, for about a year and a half, I went weekly to a 12 step meeting for wives of addicts. When a woman first discovers she’s been lied to, manipulated, and abused. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t feel like that is the right time to say things that you often hear in a 12 step meeting. Things like, you need to clean up your side of the street, or you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change. Am I Over my ex? Betrayal Trauma Recovery Approach Anne: Because that’s the same sort of thing he’ll tell you to manipulate you. But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our first goal is safety, peace and boundaries are the only way to create that safety. So we’re not gonna be like, okay, let’s take a deep breath and accept the things that we cannot change. Because we do not think women should accept abuse or that women should be just allowing themselves to be abused. As they “work on themselves and clean up their side of the street.” That’s a common thing that many women in 12 step think. Okay, if I focus on myself, I can make things better. But they’re still being abused. We believe that for professionals or groups to say you need to work on yourself in the face of abuse, is unethical. So if you&#82

When a woman searches, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me,” she is rarely asking out of curiosity. She’s asking because she feels rejected and confused. She wonders if something is wrong with her body, her weight, her desirability. But after interviewing hundreds of betrayed women and speaking with a certified sex therapist, one pattern becomes clear: A husband’s lack of sexual interest usually says far more about him than it does about her. If your husband isn’t interested in intimacy with you, rather than listening to his gaslighting, see if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse test. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? maybe it’s HIS problem 9 Reasons His Lack of Desire Says More About Him Than Her 1. He may be using inappropriate media Many husbands who lose interest in their wives are not uninterested in sex. They’re uninterested in relational intimacy. If he is using inappropriate media for stimulation, he is training his brain toward: Novelty Fantasy Escalation Secrecy That rewires desire away from real connection. So his lack of desire for his wife isn’t about her attractiveness. 2. He may be having an affair When a husband directs sexual energy elsewhere, whether toward another woman or toward online fantasy, he’s bonding outside the marriage. Women often blame themselves first. But if he has: Hidden time gaps Increased secrecy Emotional withdrawal Defensive reactions The question is not “What’s wrong with me?” The question is, “What is he hiding?” 3. He may be emotionally abusive Many husbands who withhold sex simultaneously: Blame her for not giving enough Criticize her body Accuse her of being cold Rewrite history That is gaslighting, which is one of 19 different emotional abuse tactics. To see if you’re experiencing any of them, take my free emotional abuse test. 4. He may perceive himself as the victim Emotionally abusive men often see themselves as deprived. “If she would just…” “Maybe If she were different…” “If she were more available…” That entitlement mindset turns sex into something he is owed, not something that you create through partnership. So he seeks out sex online or with people who he doesn’t have a relationship, so he’s not bothered with the honesty and connection required in a real relationship. 5. He may be avoiding emotional intimacy Some men avoid sex with their wives not because they don’t want sex, but because real sex requires: Eye contact Vulnerability Emotional presence Mutual care If he is hiding things, he cannot show up vulnerably. So he withdraws. 6. He may be using sex as control Withholding sex can also be manipulation. That’s NOT the same thing as saying no to unsafe sex. If he: Withholds affection Initiates only when he wants Rejects her repeatedly Then accuses her of being distant He’s likely using sex to maintain power and control over her. 7. Trauma affects her body — not her worth When a woman discovers betrayal, her body can react physically: Nausea Panic attacks Weight loss Insomnia Loss of appetite It is the nervous system recognizing danger. So whether he’s disinterested in her in general, or whether she’s not interested due to his emotional abuse, either way, it’s his problem not hers. 8. Coerced sex is not healthy sex If a woman feels she “has to” have sex to: Keep him from cheating Keep the family intact Be a “good wife” Prevent criticism It can feel especially hurtful if he’s not initiating it. 9. Healthy sex has five components Healthy intimacy includes: Safety Honesty & Transparency Respect Playfulness Joy You cannot build joy on deception or manipulation. When a husband withholds intimacy while hiding betrayal, women often: Compare themselves to other women Question their bodies Overextend sexually to “measure up” Feel ashamed Doubt their intuition Lose trust in themselves Why This Is Not Her Fault No matter what he says, there is nothing she could have been, done, or acted like to prevent betrayal. That was his choice. Women in our group sessions for betrayal come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. Betrayal does not target a body type. If You’re Asking, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me?” Start with safety. Is he honest? Is he transparent? Does he respect you? Is he emotionally present? If not, the problem is not your desirability. The problem is relational integrity Transcript: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? Anne: On today’s episode, a certified sex therapist will talk about what it means to have safe sex. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman. We’re going to call her Maria. All right, so thinking about this topic of safety. Especially the question, is healthy sex possible after intimate betrayal? I mean, where do we even start? Maria: You know, when we choose our spouse, it’s really a m

Parents are rightfully concerned about their children’s safety. If you’re searching for tips on teaching children how to set boundaries, here’s what you need to know. Children Need To Set Boundaries to Keep Themselves Safe Here are four practical and empowering boundaries strategies when teaching children how to set boundaries: Body awareness with basic hygiene, health, and safety concepts The dangers of inappropriate media on the Internet and apps Personal Safety – prevention awareness of safe boundaries for private parts Educate children about emotional and psychological abuse. To learn about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. transcript: Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries Anne: Today I have Kimberly Perry, author of Say No and Tell, a creative view of personal safety for Maisie. That’s the girl’s version, and Daxton for boys. After teaching personal safety to over 1,000 elementary school students, she was inspired to write the Say No and Tell book series. We’re talking about teaching children how to set boundaries. Welcome, Kimberly. Kimberly: Thank you, Anne, for having me. Anne: So, I have these two books, Say No and Tell Daxton and Say No and Tell Maisie, in my home, and I’ve used it with my sons and my daughter. These books are incredible for helping children. Kimberly, why did you decide to write a book about personal safety for young kids? Kimberly: The statistics were shocking to me. How can it be that at least 2 out of every 10 girls and 1 out of every 10 boys are estimated to be sexually abused before their 14th birthday? According to Child Protective Services, every 8 minutes they respond to an abuse report. According to the CDC, about 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are abused before the age of 18. While serving as a health and physical education teacher in the Michigan public school system, I taught a unit called personal safety to over a thousand elementary students. I wondered why I had not been taught these prevention strategies when I was a child. Sexual abuse can be physical abuse. Which most of us think of when we hear that term. It can also be non physical abuse, which is what a child might see, such as pornography. Or what a child might hear, which would be inappropriate language about private parts from a grown up to a child. Empowering Families with Personal Safety Kimberly: So with my experience of teaching these children and seeing the statistics, I want to share the message of personal safety for grownups, kids, and families, so they can be empowered. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not just the physical body abuse. It’s the non physical, which includes pornography, and can be a grooming technique that a predator may use to groom a child into child abuse. Anne: That’s fantastic. I can use it to meet my kids where they are when teaching children how to set boundaries and concepts that I think apply to various personal safety issues. Sexual abuse, of course, included in that, but in my case, emotional abuse. I’m grateful that this gives such great examples, and then the concepts are applicable to many situations for kids’ safety. Kimberly: Anne, I am so delighted to hear you say that, because I want you to tailor it to what you need, your family values, your family terminology, and your story. So for instance, you were talking about abuse in general. Well, boundaries is one of those concepts. Boundaries define our personal property. And they allow us to take care of it by setting limits on others and internal limits within ourselves. So we teach our kids self control. That would be an example of an internal limit, the boundary of saying no defines ownership. It lets others know that we exist apart from them and are in control. So whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically, boundaries are important. So that we know where we begin and someone else ends. Structure of the Say No and Tell Books Kimberly: Within the book, there are three parts basically. Part one is the story where Maisie and Daxton in their own separate books embark on a journey of growing up, and their bodies change and prepare to migrate. The parents teach them personal safety before they go, and throughout you’ll see open-ended questions where you can define your terminology and values. You can pick and choose what you feel your child is ready to hear about boundaries, depending on what age. Part 2 of the book has 8 scenarios in which I research the predator, and turn those tactics into life skills for kids. So that we go on the offensive and not just be defensive. Some examples of the scenarios are privacy, private moments, guarding your eyes and ears. What is a safe secret versus an unsafe secret? What is a bribe, a threat and what is a safe game, etc? And then finally, the third section has solutions with numerous tools. There’s a quiz, a personal safety family plan, resou

If you’re wondering how long the betrayal trauma process takes to heal, here’s what you need to know. Betrayal trauma is what women experience before and after they discover their husband’s infidelity. And it’s not just from the discovery of his lies. It’s also caused by years of invisible emotional and psychological abuse. To find out if you’ve experienced emotional abuse (even without knowing it), take our free emotional abuse test. If you relate and need support, see our daily, online Group Session Schedule. We’d love to see you in a Session TODAY. Transcript: Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process Anne: It is my honor and delight to have Barb Steffens here today. Welcome, Barb. Barbara: Thanks for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity. Anne: I’m so honored to have you here today. Partners have difficulty finding appropriate support and help for themselves. Why do you think it’s so difficult to find appropriate support? Barbara: First, there’s not a lot of knowledge about abuse in general. In a counseling program, when I look at the course offerings, there’s very little that’s even being taught to therapists who are getting trained about the impact on the family. There’s not a lot of public education on the topic. And it still tends to be one of those things that people don’t understand, and so they don’t want to talk about it. So there’s just very, very little information out there. I think the general, let’s say therapist or counselor, maybe they have some awareness of addiction. But they don’t make the leap to trauma process for the wife. Sometimes people think they know enough because they read one book or something. And so then they start saying, yes, I can help this population, and end up not being helpful and sometimes hurtful. But I think it’s a lack of information, certainly a lack of training. Societal & Religious Misunderstandings Anne: I’ve been talking to my mom about this, and it seems like I’m fighting two fronts. Society in general and their misunderstanding of the issue, and then also the church. Both populations misunderstand it. The religious community sees it a certain way, and they think you should heal in a certain way. That, at least for me, was not helpful at all. And then society in general accepts pornography or they don’t understand the trauma process. Barbara: I’m glad you brought up faith community. Because I, too, have found they don’t talk about it. They’re afraid to talk about it, or when they do, they lack adequate information. And especially when the wife goes for assistance, they can get crazy kind of advice that can be hurtful too. Like, just be more sexual. Of course, when your husband looks at pornography, you must not be doing something you’re supposed to do. So those kinds of things don’t help at all. Trying to get into faith communities to educate them on this is extremely difficult. I think they have a lot of fear, they don’t want to talk about it. I think we also know that leadership in faith communities is struggling with this. Anne: Plus the fact that it’s betrayal trauma in a relationship, and with the trauma process model, we identify as actual true victims. Barbara: Right. Anne: Not that we don’t have choices, or not that we can’t be empowered. But I think for a faith community, they don’t want to admit that his behavior has left a trail of destruction. Trauma & Victim Blaming Anne: You know, they’d rather have it be, well, this is my part. And your part is, you ask me too many questions or don’t make dinner. Or one of my coaches said her religious community told her she needed to win him over with her godly demeanor. So that type of stuff is re- traumatizing to women. Barbara: Yeah. And you’re describing the distorted thoughts and beliefs of someone who’s engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. Those responses from faith communities sound like so much of the distorted thinking. It’s somebody else’s fault. It’s not that bad. No one needs to know. No one is hurt. They minimize, rationalize, and blame shift. And so unfortunately, many places do the same level of harm that the person does who is betraying their spouse. They use the same tactics. Anne: Absolutely, my church leader abused me. This happens when churches don’t believe abuse victims. That is more traumatizing to me than the actual betrayal. Because I went to someone for help, and they re-abused me. I say abuse by proxy, because he believed all the things my ex was saying, yeah. So describe treatment induced trauma. We’ve just talked about it. Barbara: Treatment induced trauma is when the spouse goes to someone that they expect that someone can help me. And then in that trauma process, they find themselves feeling harmed. And sometimes the h

If you’re experiencing betrayal trauma in a relationship, here’s a list of 50 things you need to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. This A-Z Betrayal Trauma Glossary is intended to help women learn everything they need to know about betrayal trauma in a relationship: what caused it and what to do next. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Abuse A way of thinking that deems exploitation of another person acceptable. The aim of abuse is control and exploitation. Abuse is not just physical assault. Abusers use tactics that impact emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial well-being. The results are devastating and severe to his wife, as well as any children in the home. Emotional and psychological abuse are devastating with severe consequences to women and children. Women in non-physical abusive relationships are often so manipulated, they don’t even know their husband is emotionally or psychologically abusive. Abusive people don’t lose control. They try to assert control through lies, manipulation, anger, sexual coercion, marital rape, physical intimidation or violence. Pornography use is emotional and sexual abuse, even if the pornography user identifies himself as an “addict”. Abuse-by-Proxy (See “Parental Alienation”) When abusive men continue to terrorize and attempt to control victims using the family court system, by harming the children, and utilizing other unsafe people, this is abuse-by-proxy. It’s good for victims to notify authorities about emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Depending on the state and local system, the way you report may be more effective if you report through the Domestic Violence Shelter in your area or if a doctor or teacher reports in. In some states, reporting may increase the danger for you, because they don’t take reports of emotional or psychological (or even physical or sexual abuse) seriously. We recommend taking The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will help you understand the safe strategies to use when beginning your journey to emotional safety. Abusers may manipulate others into extending their abuse (abuse-by-proxy) by: Claiming “parental alienation” Sabotaging shared children’s relationships with therapists, teachers, doctors, etc. Refusing to co-parent in a healthy, constructive way Inserting themselves into the victim’s personal life Continuously bringing the victim to court Threatening or actually involving CPS or law enforcement simply to terrorize the victim Attempting to convince (gaslight) the children that the victimized parent is unhealthy, abusive, and/or in any way a less desirable parent than the abuser Neglecting the basic emotional and physical needs of the children Abusive Patterns Abusers skillfully keep their victims in (a cycle) patterns of emotional, social, and psychological entrapments. That make escape seem impossible and the abuse difficult to detect. These patterns can include the following phases: Manipulation (psychological and emotional abuse) – attentive, kind, helpful, apologetic, promises to seek help, admits there is a problem in the relationship Tension (psychological and emotional abuse) – any behavior from the victim that the abuser sees as offensive. Including the partner asking the abuser to seek treatment for the abuse he admitted to when he used manipulative kindness. This creates resentment, which builds up Overt abuse – physical (punching walls, screaming in your face), sexual (pornography use, soliciting prostitutes, sexting), verbal (name calling, avoiding questions), emotional (manipulating emotions), psychological (gaslighting, lying), financial, spiritual Denial (psychological abuse)– gaslighting; minimizing; victim-blaming; bold-faced lying; turning friends and family against the victim Not all abusive episodes go through these phases. For example, lies to deceive are ongoing, and a form of coercive control over a wife. Accountable Recognizing and accepting full responsibility for thoughts, feelings, perceptions, choices, etc., and the outcomes of those actions and choices. Accountability Taking responsibility for actions by acknowledging the abuse, working diligently to change behavior, and doing the incredibly hard work to make amends by continuous actions. An abuser’s wife and/or children are never responsible for any aspect of the abuser’s decisions or behaviors. She cannot cause, cure, or control it. Long-term accountability (current research indicates 3-5 years) can be a sign of change for the abuser. However, short-term bursts of accountability are manipulation used to trap the victim. Acting Out Abusers who identify themselves as “sex addicts” “act out” when they commit infidelity against their wife whether with another livin

Leaving a narcissistic husband is a brave and difficult thing to do. It’s not just about ending your marriage—it’s about escaping lies and manipulation. If you’re looking for the best way to leave a narcissist husband, here are 4 important things to know. How To Leave Your Narcissistic Husband 1. Nothing is Wrong with You—It’s Not Your Fault The first thing to know is none of this is your fault. A narcissistic husband thrives on making you feel like everything bad happening in the relationship is your fault. He’ll manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem. However, you’re likely experiencing many of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. So take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out all the ways he emotionally harmed you. But here’s the truth—no matter what he says, you didn’t cause his behavior, and you’re not responsible for fixing him. His narcissistic behavior is a choice. Best Way To Leave Narcissist Husband 2. Communication Won’t Help If you’ve spent countless hours trying to explain your feelings or set boundaries, only to be met with denial, deflection, or outright anger. Then you already know this—talking to a narcissist doesn’t work. Narcissists don’t try to solve problems or see things from your point of view. Instead, they use conversations to trick you, shift the blame, or make you doubt yourself. Protect yourself from him exploiting your energy by focusing on creating a life of peace. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to the #1 Betrayal Trauma Podcast. https://youtube.com/shorts/XNDt0TDEShg 3. Don’t Get Others Involved Thinking They’ll “Talk Sense” Into Him Many women think it’s a good idea to ask friends or family to talk to their narcissist husband and try to make him understand. At first, this might seem like a smart plan. However, involving other people can go wrong when dealing with a narcissist. Here’s why—it’s likely he will try to trick them, just like he tricked you. Narcissists are very good at acting like the “good guy” to others. At the same time, they may try to make you seem unreasonable, too emotional, or even silly. Trying to get others on your side will leave you feeling even more isolated. Instead, keep your plans private. Seek support from people who are 100% on your team. Get the right support from a group of women who can totally empathize with you. Check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. 4. You Need a Strategy Leaving a narcissist is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door. Narcissists will do everything in their power to maintain control over you, even after you leave. That’s why having a clear, thoughtful strategy is critical. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will give you step by step instructions. It will help you see exactly what’s going on, so you can anticipate what he’ll do next. It will also give you thought, communication, and boundary strategies. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people and resources ready to help you every step of the way. You Are Powerful Leaving a husband who is a narcissist isn’t just about leaving him. It’s about keeping yourself safe, so he can’t hurt you anymore. It’s about building a future where you don’t feel scared all the time. So take it one step at a time—use the Living Free Strategies to focus on what you can do today. If you’re still unsure how to start, visit Betrayal Trauma Recovery to find a supportive community for women experiencing narcissistic abuse. Transcript: The Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband Anne: It’s just me today. Many women are searching for the best way to leave a narcissist husband. Because everyone is different. There are the best strategies to use. And these strategies can be applied in different situations with different women’s personalities, and also the different narcissist personalities. So even though it might not look the same for everyone, there is definitely a best way to leave your narcissist husband, by applying specific strategies. A Glimpse into the Past Anne: And I’m going to be vulnerable today and share with you a recording I did years and years ago. Kind of praying into the universe that God would help me. And he definitely came through. It took so much longer than I thought. Everything I’ve developed over the years came straight from him. Certainly, it did not come from therapists, clergy or anyone else. I have a master’s degree in education. And since this recording, I have interviewed over 300 victims of betrayal trauma. And I started educating women about the patterns I’ve seen through all my interviews. What I know now is the best way to leave a narcissist husband. And my hope is that through my harrowing experience of figuring these things out, I can save you all those years of absolute chaos and pain. So here is this recording of my voice long ago. I was so terrified of my narcissist husband when I made the recor

The Me Too movement brought many me too examples to light. Women are sharing me too examples from within the walls of their own homes. The #MeToo movement shined a light on countless instances of abuse and harassment once shrouded in silence. While much of the movement exposed misconduct in workplaces and public spaces, some of the most hidden abuses take place within the walls of women’s homes. For many, the abuser is not a stranger or colleague, but their own husband. To discover if you’re a victim of your husband’s emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Understanding Me Too Examples at Home When the Me Too movement gained momentum, it became a platform for women to share their deeply personal stories. Among these stories, many began detailing the abuse they faced in their marriages—abuse that fits firmly into the scope of #MeToo. These stories highlight the abuse of power and betrayal of trust, themes at the core of the movement. Jasmine’s Me Too Example Take, for instance, Jasmine, a woman who bravely stepped forward to share how her husband’s betrayal is one of the me too examples. Jasmine recalls how her husband used manipulation and control to blur the lines of consent in their relationship. For years, she endured coercion and gaslighting, feeling trapped and isolated without a clear path forward. Sharing her story within the Me Too movement was Jasmine’s first step toward reclaiming her voice. Her courage not only brought her hope, but it also connected her to a community of women who had experienced similar betrayal. “I found strength in knowing I wasn’t alone,” Jasmine says. “I heard and gained clarity from women’s stories, and needed to recognize what I had endured for years.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9MGo_vv8I Me Too Examples Bring Hope to Victims One of the most powerful outcomes of the Me Too movement is the hope and healing it offers victims. Sharing stories of abuse—whether in the workplace, public spaces, or at home—helps women break the silence that often perpetuates shame and isolation. For women experiencing me too at home, attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session can be life-changing. Listening to others and being validated in your pain empowers victims to focus on personal safety and regain control of their lives. Knowing they are not alone can provide the hope needed to take difficult but necessary steps forward. Me Too Examples Bring Healing By speaking up about betrayal and relational abuse with safe people, women begin to feel hope. Movements like #MeToo have allowed women to redefine what abuse looks like, especially in a marital context. Relational abuse within marriage is often brushed aside as “normal” relationship issues. But survivors can now distinguish manipulation, coercion, and betrayal as the serious forms of abuse they are. Movements Like Me Too Can Inspire Change Beyond individual healing, the Me Too examples and movement creates necessary dialogue around societal reform. It highlights the gaps in understanding and addressing abuse, particularly when it occurs in intimate relationships. Movements like #MeToo educate other women about what sexual coercion is in any context, even marriage. To learn more about how me too happens in marriage, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Organizations like Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) have risen to the occasion, providing tools, workshops, and a supportive community for women navigating #metoo in their own homes. Jasmine’s Hope for Others Jasmine’s involvement with resources like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, was instrumental in her healing. By enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, she took steps toward emotional, psychological, and sexual safety in her own home. She learned how to set boundaries, protect herself, and rebuild her life after betrayal. For women like Jasmine, finding a supportive community and expert-guided tools is not just healing—it’s life-changing. What to Do If You’re Experiencing Abuse at Home If your husband’s behavior leaves you feeling manipulated, controlled, or unsafe, know that you’re not alone—and there are resources available to help. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop is a vital resource for women in need of strategies to protect themselves and find clarity. Why Enroll in The Living Free Workshop? Proven Strategies for Healing: Learn actionable tools to set boundaries and reclaim your emotional and psychological safety. Community Support: Connect with women who’ve been through similar betrayals and find strength in shared experiences. Expert Guidance: Gain insights from professionals who specialize in betrayal and relational trauma. Enroll today and start taking steps toward a safer, freer future. Enroll in The Living Free Workshop Now. You’re Not Alone The Me Too movement has given countless women the courage to say, “Enough is enough.”