Betrayal Trauma Recovery

You deserve the best betrayal trauma resources as you navigate the deeply personal journey toward emotional safety. Some resources can be more traumatizing than helpful. If you’re not sure you are emotionally safe after betrayal and you think you may have betrayal trauma, take our free emotional abuse quiz. What Are The Best Betrayal Trauma Recovery Resources For Women? Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions: daily, live, online support in multiple time zones The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast Individual Sessions with a BTR.ORG Coach The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop that helps women determine their husband’s character and learn safety strategies. The BTR.ORG Books Page – offering a curated selection of books about addiction and betrayal trauma. Most books can be found at your local library or purchased on Amazon. Transcript: The Best Betrayal Trauma Resources For Women Anne: My friend Lindsay and I were hanging out in my basement and talking about why I started Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I wanted all the educational material: the podcast, the website, and the transcribed articles to be free. And I wanted women to get our professional betrayal trauma resources from anywhere. And they needed to be accessible within hours of an abuse episode. You could either get into an individual session or a group session that you never had to call your therapist and get the sad news that they couldn’t see you for two weeks or that you had to be on some wait list. I just wanted to make sure that women had a safe place to go for the best support for betrayal trauma. When I first started Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I thought BTR would be to shorten the time span between trying to get help while in the abuse cycle. It was basically to shorten the time span to find out about their pornography, and immediately notice abuse. So women could figure out the difference between emotional abuse and normal conflict. And immediately you can set boundaries, with their emotionally abusive husbands, right? That was like, okay, I’m gonna like make sure that no woman has to go through 10, 20 years of this again. Well, what I have found is that most women have to go through that stage. And so for women who are like, oh, I’m so stupid. Why didn’t I see it before? Why didn’t I do that? Almost like you had to go through that. No woman goes straight from, I found explicit material on his phone to the hardcore boundary. Usually, I mean, maybe if you’re the miracle out there, email me and we will have you on the podcast. The Importance Of Education Anne: That would be awesome, then I realized, no, this podcast is to educate women. We’ll just speak our truth and wherever they are is okay. Lindsay: Yeah, take you where you are. Anne: Yeah, and we’ll grow together from whatever stage we’re in. And hopefully in the process, number one is safety, and number two is that post traumatic growth. That people talk about a lot. Being able to grow. And I feel like I’m finally getting to that stage. I mean, I’ve changed a lot and grown a lot, but I also now, I’m like, oh my word, I’m wearing makeup! There are so many things now that I’m working toward, and it’s so exciting. So many women come on the podcast and share their emotional abuse survivor stories, and it’s so inspiring. Now, you’re at a really, really tough, messy stage. Lindsay: Yes. Anne: Right now, you are separating as a boundary for repeated lies and infidelity. You don’t know what the outcome of your boundary setting will be. Lindsay: Absolutely. Anne: Right, it’s I believe, your best chance for a happy future, and I also believe it’s your husband’s best chance to get healthy. But how are you feeling now in the context of your own personal growth? We’ve All Been There Lindsay: One thing that was truly powerful was just remembering. Not that I didn’t know this before, but remembering that this is painful and will be painful. If I am stabbed by a knife, I can’t control whether that hurts. It’s going to hurt. And so letting myself feel those emotions, in a real way. That’s awful. It’s awful to sit there and bawl and cry and have a pile of Kleenexes. Anne: We’ve all been there. It’s the worst. You feel like all the liquid in your entire body has come out. Lindsay: Yes. Anne: It’s awful. And you need the best betrayal trauma resources. A lot women try all sorts of stuff like herbal medicine for betrayal trauma. Embracing Pain & Healing Lindsay: It’s awful. And none of it will be fun, and it’s not going to be easy. And I’m going to make mistakes. I mean, yes, I’m holding a boundary, but oh my word, I have no clue if this is the right thing, the right answer. And that’s okay. I don’t have to be perfect at this. And it’s okay for me to be messy, raw, and i

What is exploitative? A global industry that uses coercion and abuse to make money. Understanding how exploitative media harms women’s rights will help you understand what exploitative really means. Did you know that wives of men who exploit women are likely to be emotionally abused? To discover if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. What is Exploitative? Violence Against Women Understanding that exploitative media often depicts graphic violence against women highlights the reality that this is a human rights issue. There is a clear connection between exploitative media and violence toward women. Victims of the exploitative media and trafficking industry are women targeted and oppressed by perpetrators benefiting from systemic privileges. Women everywhere can unite to stand with our sisters who have been harmed by this insidious industry by recognizing exploitative media for what it truly is: a human rights issue. Transcript: What Is Exploitative? Anne: I’m so excited to have one of my absolute heroes on today’s episode. Her name is Dr. Gail Dines. Dr. Dines is a Professor Emerita of Sociology at Wheelock College. She has been researching and writing about this exploitative industry for over 25 years. Dr. Dines is the founding president and CEO of the non-profit Culture ReFramed, dedicated to building resilience and resistance in children and youth to the harms of exploitation. Culture ReFramed develops cutting edge educational programs that promote healthy development, relationships, and intimacy. Dr. Dines has been described as one of the leading anti-exploitation scholars and activists in the world. Anne: Welcome Gail. Dr. Dines: Pleasure to be here. Anne: I’m like starstruck right now. I’m so excited to have you on and grateful for the work you do. So let’s just jump right into this. Gail, why is exploitative media a feminist issue? And why is it a human rights issue? Dr. Dines: It was the feminist movement, especially the radical feminist movement, who first began to understand that we need to see exploitative media as a harms issue. This hurting real women human trafficking survivors. And it had real world consequences on both men and women in the industry and outside the industry. It really grew out of the radical feminist anti-violence movement, where we began to see the relationship between exploitative media and violence against women. The Challenges Of Embracing Feminism Anne: Some women are still uncomfortable with the word feminist. I’m trying to get everyone to be extremely comfortable with it, and to sit in it and realize that it’s a beautiful, wonderful thing. Do you have any advice for women uncomfortable with the notion of a feminist? Dr. Dines: Well, I would say for many women it can actually be scary to call yourself a feminist. Because you open yourself up to all sorts of criticism, ridicule, and caricaturing. In this society, to be a feminist is to fight back against male power. And whenever you resist being oppressed, the oppressor class comes after you. So I understand why some women are nervous and anxious about that. But if you want a full life, if you want to feel like you have power in the world. And sisterhood and the capacity to change the world, then the answer for women is to be a feminist and proud one at that. Hold your head up high. And wear that term with pride. Anne: I agree, I’ve taught my little four year old daughter to say, I’m a feminist, definitely. And also my six year old and my nine year old son. And it kind of makes me a little teary to think about when they say it. It’s so cute and I’m so proud of them. Why do some feminists or some women who call themselves feminists support exploitative media? Dr. Dines: I used to teach a whole 14 week course on this, so let me try and get it into a couple of minutes. The Third Wave of Feminism & Exploitative Media Dr. Dines: So, when you think about this feminism that grew out of the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. It was a given that if you called yourself a feminist, you were anti-exploitative media. There was no question. And then what happened around the 90s is that there was a sort of new movement, which we often sometimes call the third wave. Where what we call feminism lite or faux feminism was the idea that somehow, if you embraced exploitative media. Because the argument was that we’re never going to get rid of it. So let’s embrace it and use it in ways that empower us. I would argue it was really a capitulation to male power and the industry. And what’s happened is over the years, this view that somehow exploitative media can be empowering has taken hold, especially in academic circles. I think I need to say this, that the more privileged a woman is, and the further away she is from ever having to be in exploitative media to put food on the table for her kids. The easier it is to endorse it as e

Are you hoping to help your daughter avoid teen dating violence, even if it’s “just” emotional and psychological abuse? Anne Blythe, M.Ed. interviews Sid, a teenager, who shares her heart wrenching story with empowering tips for mothers of teens. Teen dating violence never happens without emotional abuse. The best way to avoid teen dating violence is to determine if there’s emotional abuse. Take this free emotional abuse quiz to find out. If you have experienced emotional abuse and need live support attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Teens Dating Violence Can Start With Lying Sid shares that early on in the relationship, her abusive ex-boyfriend was kind, flattering, and romantic. The first red flag for her was that he told her a lie. Abusive relationships are often detectable by the presence of lying. If your teen’s dating partner is telling lies, it is a strong indicator that your teen may be a target of sexual coercion and abuse. Sexual Phone Calls Are Sometimes The First Signal Of Teen Dating Violence A teen may feel uncomfortable by the way her boyfriend uses sexually explicit language on phone calls, but she may not realize that this is a form of sexual abuse. Parents can open preemptive discussions with children who are not yet dating, or initiate discussions with teens who are dating, regarding the red flags of an abusive teen boyfriend. Teaching teens about sexual coercion is important, so they know what to watch for. Here are some steps you can take to begin empowering your children to engage in healthy relationships: Educate teens about coercion, dating violence, and abuse Help teens set boundaries around dating Meet the people your teens date Transcript: Teen Dating Violence Anne: I have a special guest on the podcast today. It is my friend’s daughter. So my friend Dina runs Educate and Empower Kids. Many of you may be familiar with Educate and Empower Kids. It is a non profit that provides parents with education to teach their kids great online habits and healthy ways of interacting. And Dina called me to tell me about an experience that her daughter had. This is an important conversation to help teens avoid abuse. So I’m actually going to have her share the experience. She is 18 years old. Let’s just start Sid with what happened. Can you please share your story? Sid: Sure, so I began dating a guy we’ll call him David. It was the end of my junior year of high school, and we only dated for about five months. It was a difficult experience for me, because of how he treated me. And the habits I learned from that experience of dating him. And I’ve also just begun noticing some patterns that he has with every girlfriend he’s dated. I know his current girlfriend and I just see a lot of the same things going on with her. I wish she would listen to me. I’ve shared my experiences with her, and it’s just drawn attention to them more to me. First Signs of Trouble Sid: So something I didn’t know before this relationship was that an abusive relationship is not just physical. Someone can hurt me emotionally by manipulating me and lying to me over and over again and that is. And I had never learned that before. I didn’t see it in my relationship until it was over. Other people told me how bad it was. So our relationship seemed perfect for the first month. David would send me poems, and he’d call me each night and tell me how amazing I was. And he dressed nicely and spoke well of others. He was close with his family and a strong member of the church, and he was smooth and ideal. Just the perfect social media looking boyfriend. I thought I found someone I could date for a long time, even forever. Until I found out that he lied to me about some things. The first big lie, he didn’t seem to care, and he kept making excuses until I threatened to break up with him. It wasn’t that I meant it to be a threat. It was just more like I told him that I was uncomfortable with that. And so, he had told me he hadn’t had sex before, but the truth was he had, and I was worried he would lie to me again. And, it wasn’t necessarily that he had done that before, it was just that he told me a completely different story. He fabricated this whole lie around it. Confrontation & Guilt Sid: And he practically begged me to stay with him, and he cried and just kind of made me feel guilty, like I was at fault. And so we stayed together and began to repair the relationship, but it wasn’t really repairing it. Anne: Sid, how did you find out he had lied to you? By the way for teens and adults, lying is emotionally abusive in and of itself. Sid: We had a lot of mutual friends. Actually, I met David through another one of my friends, and she knew a lot about him. She had another friend who had dated him in the past. So I had two different, good friends that knew him well. And they informed me about it whe

If you grew up in a fundamentalist Christian home, you may be all too familiar with how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. To know if you’re experiencing this type of abuse in your church or home, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Emily is on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, sharing her experiences with a fundamentalist cult. Recognizing and then escaping the abusiveness of her upbringing has led her to support other victims – including the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community. Fundamentalism & Patriarchy Are Intertwined You can’t have fundamentalist teachings without patriarchy lurking ominously. Patriarchy is simply disguised misogyny, and misogyny is at the root of abuse. Using Religion To Excuse & Enable Abuse Fundamentalist religious communities use patriarchal (misogynistic) doctrines to excuse and enable abuse: Whether you’ve recently wondered if there are abusive patterns in your faith community, or you’ve been nuanced for some time. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are a safe place for you to process your trauma and find a community of women who will never judge you on your journey. We love you, we believe you. Transcript: How Fundamentalism And Patriarchy Fuel Abuse Anne: I am so honored to have Emily on today’s episode. She’s a trauma recovery advocate for people who’ve experienced abuse within a Christian environment. She grew up in a fundamentalist cult for 23 years and experienced childhood domestic violence. We will talk about how fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Emily began her journey to recovery and eventually found Jesus her ultimate healer. Welcome, Emily. Emily: Oh, thank you, Anne, so much for having me on today. I’m so excited about this. I’ve been looking forward to this for quite a while. Anne: So let’s start with your own personal story. Can you talk to us about your personal experiences in fundamentalism and patriarchy? And as you’re explaining that, would you also mind sharing your definition of fundamentalism? Emily: Absolutely, so my parents raised me in a Baptist Christian home. My parents were both school teachers at what I consider a fundamentalist patriarchal Christian school. So there are so many definitions of fundamentalism. There’s the definition where Christians just take the Word of God as inerrant, and they take it literally. And I would say I am still a Christian, and I would say I still believe in the inerrancy of God’s Word. I still take it pretty literally, other than the obvious poetic passages, you know. But, my experience with fundamentalism was actually an almost prosperity gospel type experience. They taught me Christians have a very black and white world. Everything is either good or evil. I grew up listening to teachers and instructors ideas. Their ideas of what they considered right and what they considered wrong. And we’re talking about things that are not actually laid out clearly in scripture. Women Considered Beneath Men Emily: Things like what kind of music you can listen to or how you dress. Those kinds of things. So actually just a lot of the extra stuff that Christians can disagree about. People’s different opinions on what is considered Christlike behavior. Opinions in the fundamentalist world are pared down to everything. Everything’s black and white. There is no gray area whatsoever. And so if you follow all the rules, your life will be amazing, and God will bless you. If you are experiencing any kind of hardship in your life, it’s because you’re obviously not following all the rules. This is one of the ways fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. And if you think you are, you probably have some secrets hidden in your heart. Anne: So would you say, with your definition of fundamentalism, that there are men who define these things? So for example, they define what you should wear. Or what you should read or watch. Or the way you should spend your time, and there’s very little autonomy for women. Emily: Yes, for sure. Every fundamentalist teaching I’ve ever encountered also goes hand in hand with patriarchy. And that’s going to be the primary topic of what we’re discussing today and what patriarchy looks like. But for the most part, it looks like men doing the teaching and interpreting of scripture. Leadership repeatedly tells women that it’s easy to deceive them, like Eve. So you have to have male authority over you for your protection, safety, provision and interpretation of scripture. They consider women beneath men, they are the property of men. They must have some kind of male headship and authority, rather than God being their direct authority. Early Education & Gothard Homeschool Anne: These are some of the effects of spiritual abuse. Back in the day, women were property. And then around the 1800s, that didn’t fly anymore. Christians picked up the rea

Healthy physical intimacy implies just that – intimacy. However this is NOT one of the types of physical intimacy. In fact, even thought it’s common in marriage, it’s classified as domestic abuse. To know if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse that are connected with intimacy, take our free emotional abuse quiz. And if you relate to any of this episode, check out our Betrayal Trauma Support Group Session Schedule. We’d love to see you in a session today. Transcript: This is NOT One of The Types of Physical Intimacy Anne: I have a woman named Isabelle on today’s podcast. She has been walking the path of healing from narcissistic abuse – which is an extreme lack of intimacy. She’s also suffered betrayal trauma for years. In February of 2019, just months after her three year divorce, she experienced a miraculous healing of chronic pelvic floor dysfunction. She has experienced firsthand the healing power of creativity, and now works as an expressive arts facilitator. She feels called to share her creative talents and the wisdom she has gained from her journey, so that other women can experience hope and healing. Welcome Isabelle. Isabelle: Thank you, Anne. It’s good to be here. Anne: So let’s start with your story, Isabelle. Early Childhood Trauma Isabelle: The part of my story that led me to where I am today and being on this podcast is when I was six years old. My uncle abused me Christmas Eve at my grandparents’ home. And I’ve been walking through the healing from that, as well as the trauma from marital abuse and my adult life. I have realized that it was that event, that moment in time, that disrupted the healthy development of my mind, body, and spirit. Also, I realized that I heard the lie in words and actions. That love is pain. That love and pain are synonymous, they go together. And I can see now how believing that set me up for not recognizing abuse in the future. Anne: I’m so sorry about your experience. Anne: When you get in a relationship with your husband, did you recognize his behaviors as abusive at first? Or were you still in that mindset that love hurts? Isabelle: I think that was my, you know, core belief. It was just in there. I didn’t have to think about it. If that makes sense. I didn’t consciously think about it. That was part of it. Marital Rape Is Difficult To Understand and Identify Isabelle: My now former husband is a narcissist, so I did not recognize what he was doing as abuse. Because it seemed to me that he was my knight in shining armor. All his promises were to take care of me, that he adored and loved me. He was four years older than me. He would tell me that my innocence and my naivety were so attractive to him, and that he loved that about me. Additionally, he would teach me everything I needed to know. I bought into all that, didn’t know about love bombing and gaslighting and all those things. I am only 18 and never seriously dated anyone, as a freshman in college. Anne: When did you recognize his behaviors, perhaps not abusive at first? Or that you had divorced a narcissist. https://www.btr.org/divorcing-a-narcissist/ My guess is when things start happening that are harmful. You’re not thinking immediately this is an abuser. First, every woman goes through this. Maybe he’s stressed when you know that something is wrong. You don’t know what it is and you may have been blaming yourself. What types of things did you do during that time? I’ll call it not comprehending that you’re in an abusive relationship, to try and establish safety and peace in your home. Struggles With Birth Control Isabelle: I am Catholic, and in our marriage birth control was an issue. I learned natural family planning. I learned to know my body to chart my cycles. He said that was the right thing for us to do. But he did not take any responsibility for it that a husband should. It was really on me. So we had four babies in a little over five years. I was homeschooling the oldest, who would have been in kindergarten at that point. I can actually picture it right now, sitting here. The moment when I knew deep inside of me that something was wrong. It would have been after the fourth baby, I told him, I need a little break before we have another baby. I didn’t say I won’t have another baby. I just said, not right now. I’m tired and my body is exhausted. I question now how manipulative and coercive. But those words weren’t what I would have used at the time. I probably would have said, wow, he’s persistent. He gets really angry and mean. If I would try to say no this particular night that I remember. He actually, after being persistent, was kind and said no. No, it’s okay. I understand. Sorry. We’ll just go to sleep. We’ll wait until you’re not fertile. The First Injury Isabelle: I remember going to slee

Many victims of emotional and psychological abuse wonder if art therapy for trauma can help with symptoms. Here’s what you need to know. If you relate, you may wonder if you are experiencing emotional abuse. Did you know there are 19 different types of emotional abuse? See if you’re suffering from this type of trauma by taking our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: How to Use Art Therapy For Trauma Anne: I have a member of our community, Betrayal Trauma Recovery has live group sessions, on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Corrine, she’s an artist. Corrine: Hello. Anne: You used your art as therapy for the trauma you experienced when you discovered your husband’s sexual addiction. How did you find out? Corrine: It was kind of baptism by fire. I got married, only to find out that my husband had a lot of issues that I wasn’t aware of. It involved lying, it involved covering things up. A lot of unhealthy things that were very hurtful and led to a lot of trauma, where I would put up walls, isolate myself even further, and of course nothing would get solved. It’s very, very dysfunctional. But I didn’t know how this led to my shopping, eating, anger, not healthy cycles. Anne: Yeah, when we met, you had been processing your betrayal trauma through the context of codependency. Things had to change from codependency Anne: Can you tell me how you thought of them in the context of codependency, and then how you’re feeling now about the abuse model. Since we have discussed weaponized codependency. How has it been like transitioning to thinking about his addiction as an abuse issue? Corrine: So, I noticed a cycle of betrayal that resulted in trauma, this unseen wound, which led to PTSD symptoms within myself, which created a wall within myself, so I could not receive or give love. I became selective in who I would talk with, like I would function, and talk to people, but I wouldn’t let people in. I was good at doing what was expected, getting along, making things smooth, but I was not good at being personal and talking to people in a real way. Anne: So, let me see if I can restate. Were you resisting the abuse, trying to keep yourself safe? And since you weren’t aware that you were being abused, It felt like hiding yourself in that way. It made you a little safer. Corrine: Yeah, exactly. And so I became very non-authentic for a long time, and it hurt me. It hurt my art. Just a few years ago, it kind of came to a head. It really hit me that things had to change. Obviously, we can only change ourselves. And when I did that, I started healing. Anne: We’ve had women on who talk about songs about healing from trauma, but not someone who uses art. So as you focused on your own healing. What kinds of breakthroughs have you seen with art therapy for trauma, and how have these breakthroughs played out? Art Therapy for trauma: Breakthroughs in Healing Corrinne: I remember one night coming back from a class, and I knew I had to be honest with myself. Because I didn’t feel safe. I had shut down my feelings. I had shut down certain memories as a protective measure. And so I was able to get really honest and have that breakthrough, even though it was so difficult. One of the best things I learned was that I needed to trust them to be themselves. It was vital for them to have a chance to fail or succeed. Anne: Yeah, I talk about this in my Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop. Which is the workshop I developed to help women see their husband’s true character, observe from a safe distance, and see who he really is. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop teaches women thought strategies, communication strategies, and boundaries strategies. To help keep themselves safe. That’s such an interesting place that you came to. Probably a lot of listeners are thinking that’s so ironic that she would learn to trust someone who is untrustworthy, but what you’re trusting is that what he’s showing you is who he really is. Corrine: The way I think of it is, I trust them to be them, themselves. It leads me to say, okay, I know this person. I know what they’ve done before, and I trust them to be themselves. I trust me to be me. To expect anything different is counterproductive. And then that was a step up for me. Anne: So for me, I would say, If I’m going to trust my ex-husband to be himself, then I know I can’t trust him. Corrine: Yeah, yeah. Trust & Boundaries Anne: If I trust him to be himself, I know I need to set boundaries around this. Because I don’t want the chaos to come into my home. Corrine: Because that’s what they’ve shown us, right? Kind of try to narrow this down. The first and foremost thing is that we cannot control other people. We can show them. I think that’s more effective than telling anyone what we want them to do. They have choices that they can make. We can set bo

If you want to help your daughter in an abusive relationship, Anne’s mother and sister share how they could have helped her. If you feel like this emotional abuse quiz could help her, have her take this free emotional abuse quiz. Discover if she is experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse. 1. Help Your Daughter Identify The Abuse “I described my husband’s behavior, physically intimidating me, yelling in my face, manipulating me, gaslighting me, and unsafe behavior by him. But even then, I didn’t realize I was in an abusive relationship.” Tragically, emotional abuse is difficult to identify for both victims and their support systems. As family and friends honestly and authentically communicate with the victim about their concerns, victims may identify the abuse quicker and take appropriate actions to get to safety. 2. Help Your Daughter In An Abusive Relationship By Taking Her Seriously When family and friends minimize the abuse, they are re-traumatizing victims. Anne’s sister shared, “Anne would call and say there’d been a fight. I would often say things like: everyone has problems in their marriage, or I’d try to downplay it. I was trying to normalize maybe what had happened or relate to it in some way. But that only made things worse for her.” Minimizing Abuse Looks Like This Wondering what forms the minimization of abuse takes? Here are some things that family and friends may say minimize and/or justify abuse: Everyone has their problems What did you do to make him act like that? Are you sure you’re not exaggerating? Everyone gets angry now and then Choose your love and love your choice Don’t nag about your husband – it’s not right We all know he has a temper, but that’s just how he is Think about your kids – don’t separate or divorce or they’ll have a broken home 3. Help Your Daughter By Validating Her Offer your daughter support. Listening, believing, and offering support are powerful ways to validate a victim’s experiences. Let her know she’s not alone. Tell her about daily Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: How To Help Your Daughter In An Abusive Relationship Anne: Today, I have my mom and sister, who we will call mom and sister. Say hi, guys. Anne’s Sister: Hello Anne’s Mom: Hi Anne: They will talk about their experience supporting me or not supporting me through what happened. Many of you asked how to talk to your friends and family about what’s happening to you. When I was married, I would call you with concerns and tell you what was going on. Because the whole time I was honest about what was happening, how would you react before you knew it was abuse, and what types of advice would you give? So, let’s start with my sister. Anne’s Sister: So, I remember many times Anne called and said there had been a fight, and that things had gotten out of hand, and that terrible things had happened. And I would often say everyone has problems in their marriage, or try to try to normalize maybe what had happened. Or relate to it in some way. I didn’t realize it was outside what should be happening, I guess. I didn’t know how to recognize victim blaming in myself. Anne: Mom? Anne’s Mom: That’s the same with me. Sometimes you’d call me like at 2 or 3 in the morning, and you’d say he’s running outside in his underwear, and I’d think, that’s really odd. Why is he doing that? What would possess him to do that? So, there were some odd things that you would say he had done, or some things that happened that I knew were odd. Of course, I didn’t know how to my daughter in an abusive marriage. Understanding Abuse: A Learning Curve Anne’s Mom: I just thought, well, maybe that’s what he’s like. Maybe he’s just that way, and I probably advised you. I don’t remember the exact words I said, but I think I remember something like, well, how do you think you should handle that? What do you want to do? Maybe you could do something that would lessen that reaction. I don’t know if I said those things, but that’s what I think I would say. I had no thoughts of my daughter actually being in an abusive relationship. Anne: Yeah, you guys were both super supportive. It’s not like you ever told me to do something I didn’t want to do. Like, I would tell you what had happened, and you’d be like, that’s weird, but this is probably the reason, or I wonder what the reason is. It was like we were all confused, but tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is also something to consider when helping your daughter avoid teenage abuse. Anne’s Sister: The biggest mistake I think I made is that I said things like, what did you do to start the problem? Or maybe next time this happens, you could do this. Not understanding it had literal

If you’ve just discovered your husband lied to you and was cheating, what does the Bible say about cheating husbands? Here’s the truth that you’ve likely never heard anywhere else. What does the bible say about cheating husbands? Try Liars Exodus 20:16 – 16 Thou shalt not bear false witness. Psalm 101:7 – He that worketh deceit shall not dwell within my house: he that telleth lies shall not tarry in my sight. God does not like lying. He wants His followers to be treated with honesty and respect. If your husband is lying to you, it means he is not treating you in a safe or kind way. Here’s What The Bible Says About Cheating What does the Bible say about cheating husbands? The Bible says that if a husband looks at another woman and has bad thoughts about her, it is like breaking a promise to his wife. Watching inappropriate videos or thinking about another woman in that way is wrong. Exodus 20:14 – Thou shalt not commit adultery. Matthew 5:28 – 28 But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. 2 Corinthians 6:14,17 – Be ye not unequally yoked…for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?…Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you. If you’re husband has been using pornography, it’s adultery. If you’re experiencing this, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixVDYZDSVfc To determine if he has the type of wicked character that God says we need to separate ourselves from, learn more about The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Here’s What The Bible Says About Reconciliation After he Cheated Ezra 10:11 Separate yourselves from the strange [husbands]. Hebrews 7:26 – Who is holy, harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners Also, the Bible teaches us not to accept bad behavior. Lisa’s situation got worse when her pastor supported her abuser. “My pastor hurt me when he said I needed to be more sexual with my husband,” she said. “He even asked me inappropriate questions that made me feel uncomfortable and ashamed.” So a victim should never be forced to put herself in danger. “My clergy traumatized me when he yelled at me, accusing me of being the problem,” she recalls. “It was devastating.” Here’s What The Bible Says If he’s Cheating on you Deuteronomy 32:4 – 4 He is the Rock, his work is perfect: for all his ways are judgment: a God of truth and without iniquity, just and right is he. Psalm 10:17–18 – 17 Lord, thou hast heard the desire of the humble: thou wilt prepare their heart, thou wilt cause thine ear to hear. To judge the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may no more oppress. Isaiah 9:7 Of the increase of his government and peace there shall be no end…to establish it with judgment and with justice from henceforth even for ever. When Churches Give Victims Harmful Counsel In the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, those belonging to faith communities when churches don’t believe abuse victims. Women have shared harmful counsel, including: Just have more sex with your abusive husband Submit to sex however and whenever he wants you to do it Divorce is always the devil’s plan; if you decide to divorce your abuser, you are listening to Satan The church will abandon you if you choose to leave your abuser If he abuses you, it is because his needs are not met, so be a better “helpmeet” He uses pornography because you, the victim, are not sexual enough He lies to you because you are an angry woman Forgive and forget Trust him again, right away, in order to save your marriage There are two sides to every story – be charitable and see your part in this Harmful and downright abusive “counsel” can send victims into a downward spiral. Many victims can become so traumatized by clergy that they face a faith crisis and may feel unable to participate in organized religion at all. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our free emotional abuse test. If Your Church Has Harmed You, Practice Self-Compassion If you are or once were a member of a faith community, now facing a faith crisis, or have distanced yourself from church. You may feel ashamed, guilty, and isolated. Know that the secondary trauma you experienced because of ignorant, harmful and/or abusive clergy is not your fault. You trusted your church leaders, and they should have been there for you. But when churches don’t believe abuse victims, it is crushing. Please practice self-care, seek support, and douse yourself in compassion. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group is here for you. Join today and begin your journey to healing. Transcript: What Does The Bible S

Victims of betrayal desperately want to protect their families from harmful material. Cleanbrowsing is one way to filter your internet to keep your family safe. Daniel Cid, founder of Cleanbrowsing, joins Anne on the free The Betrayal Trauma Reccovery Podcast to empower families to stay safe from online harms. What Is Cleanbrowsing? Cleanbrowsing is software designed to protect children and adults from harmful online material. If you need support after discovering your husband’s exploitative materials use, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Cleanbrowsing DNS – How One Mom Protected Her Children Online Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. I have Daniel Cid with me today. He is the founder of Cleanbrowsing and I’ve asked him on to help me resolve my router issues, in regard to how do I protect my router at home. Then we’ll also be talking about how to protect our families a little bit more. We are very happy to have him on, welcome Daniel. Daniel: Thank you, glad to be here. Anne: Daniel tell me about how Cleanbrowsing started? Daniel: To explain how we started, I’ll have to go back just a little bit further in my life, just to give you some more context. I’ve been working with computer security pretty much my whole adult life. As a software engineer my main job for many years was actually helping people in companies respond to computer crime and hacking incidents and using software to improve their security. That got me to see a lot of the bad part of internet. And that made me really paranoid about how we use computers and how we can protect ourselves while you’re online. Safe Browsing Is Cleanbrowsing Going back 3 years ago, my oldest child, he was 8 years old, he wanted an ipad, an iphone, a laptop, everything. We thought that a laptop would be a safer way for him to get started online. For him to learn about tech, about coding. We had to pay much closer attention to proper content. How about things like exploitative material, extreme violence. I didn’t want any of my kids to have any exposure to that. I wanted to provide them a clean and safe browsing experience. That’s where the name came from, Cleanbrowsing. I wanted them to get the beauty part of the internet without the dirty side of it. Back then I tried a bunch of tools and none of them actually did what I thought they were supposed to. In fact, even some of the most popular at the time, didn’t do the basics of even enforcing safe search on Google. So, you went to Google and type in bad words and you’d see all the dirty images. Cleanbrowsing Helps Families That didn’t give me confidence at all that I could give to my child, let’s say a laptop, and he’d be able to use the web safely, right? I kind of decided well, I’ll try to build something better. Something that I can use for my own family. Going into just a little bit technical right. I visited every website on the internet and tried to identify if any website had nudity, had indication of violence content, had exploitative material, curse words. It’s kind of similar to identifying and looking for malware, but I was looking for these other variables. Anne: So, basically, you’re like a super genius? Daniel: No, I’m not a genius at all, I just love security, just love to code, and I love to solve problems. And I felt something that struck deep down to me. I was like no, that’s something I need to solve for myself and if I am having this problem I assume a lot of parents are having the same problem. I just start scanning every website in the world and tagging them. Easy site PG, easy site PG13, easy site safe for work, not safe for work. And that’s kind of like how we started 3 year ago. Cleanbrowsing Can Be Easy I connected Cleanbrowsing to this engine, this database, so that every time that you tried to use the website your browser does what we call a DNS request. So, for example, if you try to visit, let’s one of these sites, you get an error saying sorry this site doesn’t exist in your browser. So, that’s kind of like how Cleanbrowsing works and how we came to be. Sorry for the long answer. Anne: No that’s awesome. For a site like mine that mentions the word pornography, as we’re trying to help people protect their families, would a site like mine somewhat geared toward online infidelity and cheating come through if you were using Cleanbrowsing on your router? Daniel: Yeah, it would be allowed because on our categorizer it tries to identify what’s really a harmful site and what’s just, for example, an educational site or church site that’s helping people with an addiction. It really tries to be smart about that. Whenever we find an error we go in and manually fix it because your site is allowed of course, and many others that talk about it; sex education, phases of addiction, they’re allowed. Anne: Ok, fantastic. Well I am excited! Daniels actually going to help me put it on my router, you can listen as we go through that process if

Lindsay, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community shares her experience doing an in-home separation, Lindsey offers valuable insight to empower listeners. If you need support, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Why Choose In-Home Separation? Sometimes women want to separate themselves from their abusive husband’s behaviors, but for one reason or another can’t physically move to another space. In-home separations offer temporary safety (if your husband respects the separation agreement), while not causing financial strain on the family. Further, in-home separations can preserve the current family dynamic if children are struggling to adapt to a more intense separation. An in-home separation is rarely a situation that a couple can/wants to maintain long-term. Eventually, the abusive husband will choose to change and become non-abusive and honest, or will simply continue on the destructive path of betrayal and abuse. When your in-home separation isn’t providing you with the safety that you deserve, it may be time to ask your husband to move out, for you to move out, and/or consider filing for divorce. It’s important for victims to understand that abusive men hitting benchmarks (going to therapy, attending support groups, etc.) does NOT mean that they are changing. As women become empowered, they are better able to understand what real change looks like. Transcript: Can In-Home Separation Help Me? Anne: I have my friend with me today, Lindsey, not her real name. She’s actually here in my basement where I record. I was talking to a woman at a conference and she said, I wasn’t meant to live one day at a time. And I thought that’s so true. Like I want to be able to plan. I want to be able to have peace. I want to be able to have emotional safety. There are obviously painful things that happen. No matter how hard we try, we can’t avoid them. The Concept of Betrayal Trauma Lindsay: Because whether it’s betrayal trauma or whether it’s a child dying, whatever your trial is, that is way too hard. It’s not fair. Anne: Yeah. What about your situation left you feeling hopeless Lindsay: When I discovered that there’s this thing called betrayal trauma. On top of that, not just betrayal trauma, but also there is secondary trauma and it’s real. You can have secondary trauma from ecclesiastical leaders, from therapists, therapists out there, resources out there that claim we help with betrayal trauma and yet they don’t. Lindsay: It’s real and yet I have nowhere to turn because I don’t know who is safe. Anne: That’s why I created Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Trusting Your Gut & Finding Safety Anne: Since then, have you developed a system where you can feel like, when you can’t trust your husband. This is how I would know if someone’s safe or not? Lindsay: Mainly trusting my gut. I mean, learning to trust myself and to trust God. When I feel safe, I feel peace. And if there’s something that isn’t safe or that feels off, it’s almost like a little flag goes off in my brain that says, wait, this is either totally unsafe or I just need to learn more. Ask some more questions and figure out what’s going on. Because sometimes people say things in a way that is unsafe, but they didn’t intend to say it that way. Anne: Like me! I did all the time. In fact, right when Lindsay got here, she was like, look at this new pamphlet! And I was like, ah! They took the word abuse off! And I went on a, what, how long was it? Maybe four minute rant about how mad I was that they removed the word abuse. And then I was like, I gotta calm down. I said a prayer, and I’m feeling fine now. And do you feel safe now? Lindsay: Absolutely. Anne: But I bet while I was on the rant, you were like, Oh, this can’t be good. Right? You were kind of like, Oh, no, we can’t record with her like this. And I was recognizing it. Triggers & Emotional Reactions Anne: It’s funny, it’s funny when I get triggered. I don’t know if you think it’s funny when you get triggered. When I get triggered, I think it’s funny because I can see it. I’m like oh, I know I’m doing this and I have to make that mental shift to say what would be the most helpful thing to do right now? So I apologize that I went on my rant. Lindsay: It’s been helpful for me to reevaluate my perspective on life. It’s really a hard process to do, that is to say, I am questioning everything. Thinking about what I understand about my world, my higher power, relationships with my family and with my friends. Yet that process of questioning has been, in a lot of ways, very healing for me. I can feel the growth that I’ve had over the last two years. Anne: Yeah, that’s what I experienced too. And I loved that. Looking back, I didn’t so much like it when I was goi

Dating after narcissistic abuse isn’t easy. I know because I’ve been there. If you’re healing from narcissistic abuse and need place to share your feelings, attend a Before I started dating, I attended Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. For me, dating after narcissistic abuse was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, from the initial shock of realizing what I’d been through to the gradual process of rebuilding my sense of self-worth and rediscovering what healthy love truly means. I didn’t take things fast because I’d already been in an abusive relationship in college. I wanted to do things “right” this time. But you can’t do things right with a narcissistic abuser. Pretty soon, the patterns started to show, and I realized I was in an abusive relationship. How to Spot Narcissistic Abuse: Identifying The Signs Gaslighting Using coercion as means of control Avoiding attachment to punish and control Blaming and shaming the victim Creating an environment where the victim has to walk on eggshells to avoid altercations and emotional abuse Preparing to Date After Narcissistic Abuse Before I started dating, I attended Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, where I realized that there are others who’ve been through similar experiences. Knowing that I wasn’t the only one was a huge source of comfort and validation. Preparing To Date By Learning How To Set Boundaries I enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop and learned how to set effective boundaries. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOMv_cos0vE Dating Myself After Narcissistic Abuse Eventually (for me, it was about a year), I decided I wanted to start dating again. I decided to start by “dating myself.” It was a really fun process! And something I’d never done before. I’d take myself out to dinner, go on long walks, rent a movie, or take a night drive. I started journaling, which is something I’d never, ever done in my life. I even wrote myself love letters. 🙂 About six months into my “dating myself” era, I decided to start dating other people besides myself :). New Relationships After Narcissistic Abuse At first, it was really, really scary. I was terrified that I would find another abuser and end up repeating the cycle. So I pulled back and went back to dating myself again. But gradually, the desire came back and I put myself out there again. My advice? Going too fast too soon? Notice if they struggle to understand or care about your feelings or others’ emotions. Do they seem like they were made just for you? Be wary if they constantly crave excessive praise or need to be the center of attention. Trying to make you feel sorry for them? Watch out for signs they believe they deserve special treatment. Do you feel like they just have a few things to learn, and they’d be amazing? Be cautious if you constantly make excuses for their behavior or believe they will change with time. Weird moments where their reaction surprises you negatively, making you think you did something wrong (when you didn’t)? Check for signs of manipulation or attempts to control situations to their advantage. Do they ask about you and your life, or is it just monologues back and forth? Do they claim their ex was abusive or crazy? Do you have a sense that things will get better, like when they graduate or quit their job? This is called Future Faking. Be cautious if they promise a better future without taking real steps towards it. Emotionally draining, chaotic drama: Think about how you feel after hanging out with them. Do they leave you feeling exhausted or worn out? Finding True Love After Narcissistic Abuse Finding love after narcissistic abuse is possible. It may take time, patience, and a whole lot of self-love, but trust me when I say that you’re worth it. So take a deep breath, trust in yourself, and know that brighter days are ahead. You’ve got this.

Is infidelity abuse? Has he lied to you? Emotionally manipulated you? Here’s how to know if his infidelity was emotionally abusive to you. To learn if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse test. If you relate to any part of this episode and need support, check out our Daily Group Session schedule. Transcript: Is Infidelity Abuse? Anne: It is humbling to welcome Dr. Omar Minwalla on today’s episode. Dr. Minwalla is a clinical sexologist and a licensed psychologist. We’re talking about, is infidelity abuse. Welcome Dr. Minwalla. You’re careful in how you decide to label and define things. So can you start with some definitions? Dr. Minwalla: Sure, let’s review how sex addiction is typically defined. Some professionals use compulsive sexual behavior. Some professionals use sex addiction. Either of those terms is used to describe a disorder related to behavior, where significant negative consequences occur. With addicts, I realized patterns of interpersonal abuse. Another way of saying that is having a secret sexual life or world while you’re in a relationship or family. Is in and of itself, a form of abuse. In many ways, it’s type of sociopathic behavior. And what I mean is it’s a selfish worldview where often the welfare of others is not respected. There’s often a lack of remorse or guilt. And there’s often an externalization of blame or responsibility. It’s in essence a long-term pattern of disregarding and violating the rights of others, particularly family members and your intimate partner. While sex addiction and compulsive sexual behavior focus on the behaviors themselves, they usually don’t have a clear diagnosis or labeling of the integrity, abuse, and relational conduct problems. Anne: I talk with many people who say abuse is going too far. It’s making it way more serious than it needs to be. And I’m thinking without the label of abuse, it does not correctly express the severity of the situation. Dr. Minwalla: You brought up a really good point, which is that some people feel it’s going too far. I trained as a clinical sexologist. Clinical Terminology & Deceptive Sexual Life as Abuse Dr. Minwalla: My training was in sexual offending and offenders. And one of the first things you learn in training is to use appropriate terms. And so, when there’s emotional abuse or psychological abuse. In terms of what we’re talking about, not using the word abuse is actually clinically inaccurate. I think many sex addiction professionals receive training from an addiction perspective. And don’t have much training in abuse or how to treat perpetrators of any kind. So I think there is a tendency to consider using the word abuse as somehow overreaching, shaming the addict or demonizing the addict. The minute somebody has a deceptive, compartmentalized sexual life, and they’re in an intimate relationship or in a family system. That, in and of itself, is a form of abuse. Is infidelity abuse? It’s abusive in many ways. First of all, to maintain a deceptive reality, one has to tell all sorts of lies and must, by nature, be dishonest in the relationship. So there are often patterns of lying or lying by omission. There are often partial truths. One of the most abusive aspects is that there’s often a lot of intentional manipulation of the partner’s reality. Which is sometimes referred to as gaslighting. It’s very damaging in terms of eroding and hurting her relationship with her gut instincts. Impact on Gut Instincts & Erosion of Relationship Integrity Dr. Minwalla: Usually somebody’s gut instincts can detect that there’s something going on, whether the person becomes conscious of it or not. Usually our gut instincts are somewhat aware. And in terms of gaslighting, if she confronts or brings something up. Then the abuser or the addict intentionally manipulates her away from that truth, and gets her to ignore her gut instincts. That’s damaging to her gut instincts, which is a very important survival mechanism that we all need. We all need a good relationship with our gut instincts. So, this intentional psychological manipulation of a partner over many years can be extremely damaging to her gut instinct and her ability to use that to make good decisions. Even just lying in a relationship is abusive. So if you have years and years of lying and maintaining a secret world while pretending to be honest in a relationship or in a family, that in and of itself is damaging. Whether the person knows about the secret sexual world or not. The fact that there is a deceptive reality is already eroding and hurting the possibility that integrity can even exist in the relationship or in the family. Integrity is a fundamental attribute of a healthy relationship or family. So if somebody chips away or erodes the int

After betrayal, many women wonder if he would have stayed faithful if they had improved their appearance. But that’s not true. Here’s how treating body image issues after betrayal can help women move forward. Why Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues? Betrayal attacks a woman’s sense of self-worth, affecting her physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These types of betrayal will inevitably injure a woman and cause body image issues that are no fault of her own: A husband’s use of inappropriate media Emotional, physical, or virtual affairs Verbal and emotional abuse How Betrayal Can Cause Body Image Issues Part of betrayal is often emotional abuse, which is the main cause of body image issues. To discover if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse tactics, take our free emotional abuse test. 3 Things About Body Image Related to Betrayal 1. Betrayal Happens to Every Type of Woman When you’re healing from your husband’s betrayal, it’s easy to believe his lies that you could have done something to prevent it. hat’s not true. Even stunning actresses, musicians, and supermodels have faced betrayal. Why? Because cheating isn’t a result of how attractive, strong or amazing you are. Infidelity is a choice that a man makes because he lacks care and respect for his partner. That’s it. 2. When You’re Feeling Sad About Your Body Focus on Healing The Trauma Sometimes it’s about more than just your reflection. Healing from betrayal often brings flashbacks of hurtful things he may have said or done. It’s natural for those experiences to resurface. Here are some ways to refocus on the truth: Breathe and Acknowledge Your Feelings Take a moment to ground yourself. Deep breaths can help calm the emotional storm. Then, instead of pushing feelings aside, acknowledge them. “I feel sad/shaken/hurt about X,” and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel this way. The betrayal trauma meditations in my workshop help women work through the emotional pain for infidelity. Repeat Affirmations That Heal Counter the negative thoughts with kind ones. Repeat phrases like, “My worth isn’t defined by anyone else’s actions,” or “I am strong, valuable, and healing.” Protect Yourself from Flashbacks If flashbacks of cruel comments or situations are overwhelming, use meditation or grounding techniques like wrapping yourself in a blanket, holding an object in your hand, or listening to calming music. These can help bring you back to the present and remind you that you’re beautiful just the way you are. Prioritize Rest Healing is exhausting work, and that’s okay. Your mind and body need rest. Take a nap, go to bed early, or enjoy a quiet moment with tea—even just 10 minutes to yourself can help. If trauma from betrayal has left you lost or feeling depressed about your body, learning more about this type of abuse can help you have confidence. Listen to the Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 3. You Need Support When Betrayal Has Damaged Your Self Image You don’t have to tackle this alone. Nobody should handle the fallout of betrayal by themselves. There’s something remarkably healing about connecting with others who’ve been through similar experiences. Women with experience with this can offer empathy, advice, or even just an ear when you need it most. On bad body image days, lean on support systems to lift you back up. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to connect with women who truly understand betrayal trauma and how it affects our body image. Just share how you’re feeling. You don’t need to have all the answers or explain everything. A simple “Hey, I’m having a tough day” is enough to start to feel better. Having a supportive network, whether it’s friends, family, or a professional community, can make all the difference. Transcript: Does Betrayal Cause Body Image Issues? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Katherine. And then I’m also interviewing Courtney who runs Bra Fittings by Court and helps women who have been traumatized in this way heal from their body image issues. I’m going to interview Katherine first. She actually wrote down how her husband’s betrayal affected the way she viewed her body image. Welcome, Katherine. How did your husband’s betrayal affect your body image? Katherine: In my own life comparison has been something I’ve struggled with. For a while, it was difficult for me to be in public, either with my husband or without him. When I would see attractive women in public, I felt incredibly traumatized. It really was difficult for me to go out into public for a while and watch TV because I just felt like I didn’t measure up. Impact of Betrayal on Body Image Then another area body image affect me my husband and I began to become intimate again, I was so traumatized and felt so negative about my body. The messages I to

Emotional abuse and intimate betrayal can make you feel small. What does it mean to find your voice? To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. How Can I Find My Voice When I’m Experiencing Emotional Abuse & Intimate Betrayal? Finding your voice does not mean confronting your abuser. In fact, that can be dangerous for you. Instead, find your voice by: Journaling about your experiences Sharing your story with a trusted friend Attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to hear other stories of betrayal trauma & emotional abuse Taking a self-defense course However you choose to find your voice, know that your story is important. Your experiences are real, and we believe you. Transcript: Find Your Voice After Emotional Abuse Anne: I have Allyson on the podcast today. She’s an advocate for women and a believer in self-defense. She has a black belt in traditional TaeKwonDo and helps teach women’s self-defense classes to help them find their voice and meaning after abuse. Welcome, Allyson. Allyson: Oh, thank you. It’s good to be here. Anne: So, what does “find your voice” mean to you? Allyson: It was definitely a long time coming. I came from a home of abuse. I’ve had experiences of men following me, pestering me. I’m short and tiny and an easy target. It was important to me not to be a target anymore. I decided to attend martial arts classes. I wanted to learn technique, because when a guy is six feet plus, he’s got a lot of mass behind him. And if you know what you’re doing, technique wins. Even with the enormous size difference. You can get out, escape, defend yourself. And of course, you always feel dumb going in there. You know, people are looking at me a little funny, and you’re like, you want me to do what? You want me to, are you sure? I went from scared to do anything. To where I am now today, I’m teaching women how to defend themselves. Anne: Making meaning in finding our voices takes time and effort. We can do it in various ways. I started podcasting, I garden. Empowerment Through Self-Defense Anne: How did self-defense empower you to find your voice to recover from emotiona abuse? I’m guessing they taught you ways of using your voice to defend yourself. Allyson: My biggest one is don’t be afraid to turn around and face your attacker. Whoever is tailing you, the easiest way to get out of something without him touching you is to face him eye to eye. For example, I was out grocery shopping. This guy just started following me with an empty cart. And at first I was like, okay, maybe you just need one item, but no, he just kept on following me. He wasn’t picking up vegetables, nothing. He was intently and closely following me. And of course, my hackles rose. I turned around. I looked him straight in the eye and I was like, do you need something? Can I help you? And that’s all it took. He left his cart and ran. I have friends who worked at the prison, and he’s like, honestly, if women knew the power they have by making eye contact, like, I’m not going to put up with this. These men want an easy target. They want somebody who’s not going to scream, the person who’s going to freeze. As soon as you put up, who are you? What is your name? What do you want? And it’s the tone of your voice. You notice my voice changed when I said that? I wasn’t nice to this guy. It was either you tell me what you want or you beat it. So that right there is power. Do not think you are powerless. An Example Of How To Find Your Voice Anne: If we can prepare our daughters and also train ourselves now that we know more, what to expect. When I was young, my mom told me, if you’re ever being raped, look him straight in the eye and say loudly and clearly, this is rape and I will prosecute. I see you and I know what you’re doing. And I’ve taught my daughter that from a very young age. I’ve also taught all my kids basic self-defense. An abusive man feels entitled to your attention, and your body. And it’s shocking. Sometimes we don’t want people to talk to us, and it’s okay for us to say, no, thank you, and just move on. So I have a policy in my home that I do not open the door for anyone I do not know, like a door to door salesman. And I mentioned that I loved gardening. One day, I was in my front yard. One of these sales people walked up to me and started talking to me. I interrupted him after he said maybe one word and said, I’m not interested. Please go away immediately. I didn’t even listen to him for a second. Instead of going away immediately, he started asking me questions. Like, oh, what are you doing? How long have you … And I said, stop talking. I’ve told you, I don’t want to talk to you. Go away, then he actually continued t

Women who discover their husband’s infidelity might wonder, what does the Bible say about divorce? If you’re experiencing this type of emotionally and psychologically abusive behavior from your husband, here are some scriptures from the Bible about divorce you need to know. If you’re considering divorce, it’s important to determine if you’re experiencing emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: What Does The Bible Say About Divorce? Anne: It’s just me today. Many women want to know. What does the Bible say about divorce? Regarding divorce, the Bible can be interpreted in different ways, but I wonder if we take a step back. And look at all the other issues related to what our husband is doing. And then maybe that is what the Bible says about divorce. For example, I did an episode called What Does the Bible Say About Boundaries in Marriage? Divorce is a boundary. And in that episode, I talked a lot about how God commands women to separate themselves from evil, so it may not necessarily say the word divorce. But he is commanding us to separate ourselves from people who would harm us. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is interfaith and inter paradigm. So, if you don’t want to hear Christian scriptures, skip this episode. I happen to be Christian. And so reading scriptures helps me process things. But if you’re not, and want to skip this episode, go ahead and do that. A lot of times I speak from a secular place, so everybody feels welcome here. And I welcome everyone’s experience. The rest of this episode is from a recording I did years ago when I was still processing what was happening to me. I was reading the scriptures a lot to try to find peace and hope. And through doing that, I discovered the strategies I now teach in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. And through those strategies, I believe God completely delivered my children and me, from my ex’s abuse. That we were still experiencing eight years post divorce. Personal Journey & Strategies Anne: These strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. And they work whether you’re Christian or not. When I taught the strategies in the Living Free Workshop, I did not teach them in a religious context. I just taught them. This is the strategy, and this is how you implement it. The intent is to help you determine your husband’s true character, to see it. And many of the scriptures I studied years ago that you’ll hear in this recording today. Things about what the Bible says about divorce, and to perceive things accurately. And that is my goal for all women, regardless of their faith or paradigm. How can we accurately perceive our husband’s character? And then what strategies do we need to use to protect ourselves? And if you’re interested in listening to what I sounded like years ago and how I was processing these things, then join me in learning what the Bible say about divorce. Here’s that recording: I was studying the New Testament from the Bible, and those who are not Christian, hopefully you can still glean some wisdom and insight from my studies. I want to dedicate this episode to some of the verses that I read. They are applicable to our situation. Similarly, there are some very misogynistic verses in the Bible, particularly by Paul. I will not focus on those today. If you’re wondering about these scriptures that say women should be silent, they shouldn’t speak in church, or they should obey their husbands, read the book, Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessie. That is on our website, btr.org/ books. You want to be sure you are reading the right kind of Marriage Bible Reference. She really puts all those types of scriptures in context, and I don’t want to focus on those today. God’s Boundaries for Safety Anne: If you’ve read those scriptures and thought, what is going on with these verses? What is the Bible really saying about divorce? I highly recommend that book. What I wanted to talk about was scriptures that can bring us comfort. And also help us know what the bible says about boundaries in marriage. that setting boundaries is God’s way of helping us stay safe. I believe God is a God of boundaries, and the commandments are to protect ourselves. And they’re also to protect other people. So for example, if we do not lie, we are protecting other people, and it is a way to show love for ourselves and our fellow men. So as I go through some of these scriptures, you’ll see some patterns emerge. I read from the King James Version, so if you use a different translation or version, I’ll just say the scriptures and the verses. So I’m going to start in Matthew 5. This one struck me. This is the Sermon on the Mount, and 10 and 11 apply to us. It says, “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” “Ble

Are you looking for the best emotional abuse support groups online? Here’s what you need to know. 1. Does The Online Emotional Abuse Support Group Have Other Resources? The best emotional abuse support groups online have educational resources like a podcast, workshops, or even quizes to help you understand exactly what’s happening to you. For example, did you know there are over 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types. 2. Do The Online Emotional Abuse Support Groups Cover All Types of Emotional Abuse? If the support group doesn’t understand betrayal trauma, which is emotional abuse caused by infidelity and deceit, then the group may not meet your needs. 3. Does the Support Group Meet Multiple Times a Day in ALL Time Zones? There’s no telling when your husband will be emotionally abusive. When something happens and you need support right away, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session for emotional abuse. Check out the Group Session schedule. 4. Does The Emotional Abuse Support Group Actually Help You Get To Emotional Safety? A lot of support groups blame you for what’s going on. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we never victim blame. Instead, we help victims figure out exactly what’s going on and what to do next through our Living Free Workshop. Transcript: The Best Emotional Abuse Support Groups Online Anne: I’m very excited to have my new friend. We’re going to call her Lacey, on today’s episode. We spent the weekend at a conference for abuse victims. I’ll cover what makes the best online emotional abuse support groups in just a minute. There are four things that you really need to watch out for. But before I want to welcome Lacey, welcome. Lacey: Hello Anne, thanks for having me. Initially just friends and maybe counselors and books, I would read them and listen to it, and it didn’t resonate with me. So as I dug further, I started learning words like betrayal trauma. You know, I didn’t even know that’s what I had. So I didn’t know those are the words I needed to search for. I just started stumbling across things, so I had to weed through a lot of things that were not helpful before I could get to the things that were. Even with books they suggested, sometimes you’re just not in a place where you can sit down and read and comprehend a book. Betrayal Trauma Recovery for me was just something consistent, weekly. That I could turn on and listen to. What you were saying was resonating with me. So I took your advice. It was good for me when I found BTR because it’s a consistent voice of reason that I could turn to. Listening doesn’t take nearly as much brain power as sitting down and studying or something like that. Promoting Betrayal Trauma Recovery & Helping Others Lacey: You were just talking about the conference. I wouldn’t have known anything about that if it hadn’t been for the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast because there are not a lot of resources in my area. Even the counselor I’m seeing isn’t trained in this area. She doesn’t know about resources like books and things that you suggest on BTR. And I just want to do my best to help other ladies find it quickly, more quickly than I did. It’s great with the podcast, I can go back and re listen. Before I got on with you, I was listening to a few things. You know, I probably will not have my own podcast or website or anything like that. It’s difficult for me to talk about these things with people in person. I want to do my best to promote you in the best way possible to help other people. Anne: I’m grateful for your support. You’ve listened to the podcast since the beginning, and one of the things you mentioned is that you wanted other women to know about Betrayal Trauma Recovery, it covers things emotional abuse victims need to know. And you were talking about how easy it is to help women find us. Just follow the podcast on Spotify or Apple Podcasts by actually clicking the follow button. Because the more subscribers or followers the podcast has, the more the algorithm shows this podcast to women when they’re searching for help. Like you said, you were searching for things, but you didn’t know to type in betrayal trauma in to Google because you didn’t know what you were searching for, exactly. Lacey: Right. Anne: Then finally, when you found the word betrayal trauma, you found us, you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Improving Online Visibility Anne: So as women search around, they search for words like infidelity, cheating, or addiction. Lots of women are searching for narcissism stuff, lying, “How do I help my marriage?” Or betrayal trauma in relationships. It’s rare that a woman with marriage troubles goes immediately to Google and types in betrayal trauma.

Therapy not working like you hoped? Most people don’t know the signs of an abusive therapist. When Dee went to her therapist for anxiety, she expected to feel better. Instead, she was gaslit, groomed, devalued, and discarded. Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. They are multiple times a day for women only, so you will feel safe. Transcript: Signs Of An Abusive Therapist Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Dee. She has two children. She’s a mostly stay at home mom, but sometimes she works as an art teacher to kids at her church. She’s taken up cycling as a form of exercise, and it’s been helpful for her to be outdoors. During this journey of healing, she also enjoys yoga and reading. She has struggled with anxiety and depression since a young age. So she started therapy in 2018. And initially, she went to a mental health hospital for intensive outpatient therapy, because her anxiety had become so debilitating. And there she met an abusive therapist and was his client for 10 months. She’s going to talk about her experience with this therapist a bit today. So many women who follow Betrayal Trauma Recovery or listen to the podcast have gone to therapy for help. But when they went to therapy, it worsened, and sometimes they didn’t recognize it for a long time. In Dee’s case, it was 10 months. An Abusive Therapist May Seem Like A “Perfect Fit” Anne: So let’s talk about your story. You go to this abusive therapist. Did you know that you were his first client in his private practice? Dee: Yes, I did. Anne: And what makes you think this is a good therapist for me? Dee: When I was at the mental health hospital, we had a substitute therapist come in one day. It was a group therapy dynamic. And our regular therapist was out that day, and he came in as a substitute, and I had a side conversation with him during a break. I appreciated his response and felt like he knew where I was coming from. And so whenever we left that program, they want you to be set up with a therapist outside of there, so that you could continue your care. He had mentioned to me that he was starting his own practice. And when our regular therapist came back, the next day I was talking to her about trying to find someone. And I consider going to a Christian counselor. Because I felt like that might be the right fit for me. She discouraged me from going that route. She wasn’t sure if that would be the most helpful type of therapy for me. And I don’t remember her reasoning now, but I do remember saying to her, well, this other person that came in said he’s starting his own practice, and she said, yeah, I think he would be a good fit for you. The Vulnerability Of Intensive Therapy Dee: In that moment, I was still struggling in where I was, and it was hard to pick a person off a list I’d never seen, never talked to. And I trusted her opinion. I know that she was coming from a good place. And I don’t think she had any idea what I was stepping into. I just didn’t even feel equipped to make certain decisions at that point. And I trusted her opinion on that matter. Anne: Well, especially, you’ve been in intensive outpatient therapy. So, you’re in a very vulnerable place at this time. Dee: Yes, absolutely. I’ve dealt with anxiety, but it became, when I say debilitating, I mean, I was barely sleeping. I had stopped eating even the last few days before I finally got into their care. It was just to a breaking point, and I knew that and I needed help. I don’t know where to go for help, and I hear of this place that is pretty close to me. I decided to do something, and that seemed like the most reasonable next step. And I trust that anybody at their facility was somebody I could rely on to be a safe place. Anne: Yeah, because why would you think any differently? That makes sense. It’s Not Your Fault If Your Therapist Has Abused You Anne: In that first meeting, because your decision was basically based on that first meeting with him on the side conversation, and then also her recommendation, would you characterize that now looking back as grooming? When I say grooming, I wonder if the things he says to you are like narcissists. I can’t diagnose him, because I’ve never met him. I’m just talking from your perspective, but they’re good at reflecting back what people are saying. So many women who are dating narcissists or meet them feel like, Oh, this is my soulmate, right? They understand me. So when I say grooming, I’m also asking about that side conversation where you feel, wow, he understands what I’m saying. Do you see that part as grooming? Dee: Maybe not so much as grooming. I later question if I’m targeted for some reason. This is a difficult question to ask yourself, because then you ask you

If you’re wondering, “Am I over my ex?” The question itself may tell you all you need to know. 1. Why Are you Asking, Am I Over My Ex? Ask yourself why you’re asking this question. The fact that you’re asking probably means you’re still struggling with some aspect of the relationship. And it might not even be him, it might actually be the emotional abuse you endured. To find out if you experienced any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 2. If You Were Manipulated, You’ll Heal When You Know The Truth Consider that you’re not working toward getting over your ex, you’re actually healing from all the lies he told you to deliberately mess with your mind. You might not need to know the details, but knowing that he’s a liar can be enough to help you get over him. To learn more about this type of emotional abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 3. You’ll Know You’re Over Your Ex If Your Stomach Churns If your stomach churns when you see a text from him. Or you want to crawl under a rock if you see him out and about, it’s likely that you’re totally over him. Even if you’re over your ex, you’ll likely still need to heal from the emotional damage he caused. You’ll need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Am I Over My Ex? Anne: Since I’ve been podcasting for a long time and talked with women all over the world. One of the questions women sometimes ask is, am I over my ex? This next part of this episode is actually from one of the first episodes I ever recorded. I tell a story of how I knew I was feeling better. Since this time, I have used the strategies I developed in the Living Free Workshop to heal from all this emotional and psychological abuse and protect myself. To learn more about the Living Free Workshop strategies, click this link. The rest of this episode will be that recording. From one of my first podcast episodes. I hope you enjoy it. I wanted to do an update my own personal recovery. Because I was not angry for a long time. I was just super sad, and now I’m very angry. So my children are immature. Because they’re 8, 5 and 3 year old children. For example, I’ll say to my son, You need to do this. And he’ll kind of ignore me and walk around and not do it. I’ll say, you need to do this. And he ignores me. Then I’ll say, you really need to do this. And he’ll say, What? You didn’t tell me this before. I know he heard me. And that triggers the same types of things that happen with my ex. This feeling of I’m saying something, but he’s not taking me seriously. So last night, I talked to a friend, and she said, that’s common with all children. Comparing Addict Behavior Anne: He’s not acting like an addict. And I said, actually, that’s not true, because addicts act like eight year olds. They’re immature, so they act like a five year old. So basically, I am face to face with the same types of behaviors in my addict spouse. Except for in three, five, and eight year olds. That’s appropriate behavior for their age. It’s age appropriate. They’re learning how to tell the truth, how to listen, and how to interact with people. It’s appropriate for a five year old. Not appropriate for a 50 year old man, not at all. So I’m seeing these immature, age appropriate behaviors from my very young children. Trigger the trauma of the exact same behaviors from my immature, addict, lying ex-husband who is almost 40 years old. . So immediately after my husband’s arrest, for about a year and a half, I went weekly to a 12 step meeting for wives of addicts. When a woman first discovers she’s been lied to, manipulated, and abused. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we don’t feel like that is the right time to say things that you often hear in a 12 step meeting. Things like, you need to clean up your side of the street, or you need to learn to accept the things you cannot change. Am I Over my ex? Betrayal Trauma Recovery Approach Anne: Because that’s the same sort of thing he’ll tell you to manipulate you. But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, our first goal is safety, peace and boundaries are the only way to create that safety. So we’re not gonna be like, okay, let’s take a deep breath and accept the things that we cannot change. Because we do not think women should accept abuse or that women should be just allowing themselves to be abused. As they “work on themselves and clean up their side of the street.” That’s a common thing that many women in 12 step think. Okay, if I focus on myself, I can make things better. But they’re still being abused. We believe that for professionals or groups to say you need to work on yourself in the face of abuse, is unethical. So if you&#82

When a woman searches, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me,” she is rarely asking out of curiosity. She’s asking because she feels rejected and confused. She wonders if something is wrong with her body, her weight, her desirability. But after interviewing hundreds of betrayed women and speaking with a certified sex therapist, one pattern becomes clear: A husband’s lack of sexual interest usually says far more about him than it does about her. If your husband isn’t interested in intimacy with you, rather than listening to his gaslighting, see if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse test. Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? maybe it’s HIS problem 9 Reasons His Lack of Desire Says More About Him Than Her 1. He may be using inappropriate media Many husbands who lose interest in their wives are not uninterested in sex. They’re uninterested in relational intimacy. If he is using inappropriate media for stimulation, he is training his brain toward: Novelty Fantasy Escalation Secrecy That rewires desire away from real connection. So his lack of desire for his wife isn’t about her attractiveness. 2. He may be having an affair When a husband directs sexual energy elsewhere, whether toward another woman or toward online fantasy, he’s bonding outside the marriage. Women often blame themselves first. But if he has: Hidden time gaps Increased secrecy Emotional withdrawal Defensive reactions The question is not “What’s wrong with me?” The question is, “What is he hiding?” 3. He may be emotionally abusive Many husbands who withhold sex simultaneously: Blame her for not giving enough Criticize her body Accuse her of being cold Rewrite history That is gaslighting, which is one of 19 different emotional abuse tactics. To see if you’re experiencing any of them, take my free emotional abuse test. 4. He may perceive himself as the victim Emotionally abusive men often see themselves as deprived. “If she would just…” “Maybe If she were different…” “If she were more available…” That entitlement mindset turns sex into something he is owed, not something that you create through partnership. So he seeks out sex online or with people who he doesn’t have a relationship, so he’s not bothered with the honesty and connection required in a real relationship. 5. He may be avoiding emotional intimacy Some men avoid sex with their wives not because they don’t want sex, but because real sex requires: Eye contact Vulnerability Emotional presence Mutual care If he is hiding things, he cannot show up vulnerably. So he withdraws. 6. He may be using sex as control Withholding sex can also be manipulation. That’s NOT the same thing as saying no to unsafe sex. If he: Withholds affection Initiates only when he wants Rejects her repeatedly Then accuses her of being distant He’s likely using sex to maintain power and control over her. 7. Trauma affects her body — not her worth When a woman discovers betrayal, her body can react physically: Nausea Panic attacks Weight loss Insomnia Loss of appetite It is the nervous system recognizing danger. So whether he’s disinterested in her in general, or whether she’s not interested due to his emotional abuse, either way, it’s his problem not hers. 8. Coerced sex is not healthy sex If a woman feels she “has to” have sex to: Keep him from cheating Keep the family intact Be a “good wife” Prevent criticism It can feel especially hurtful if he’s not initiating it. 9. Healthy sex has five components Healthy intimacy includes: Safety Honesty & Transparency Respect Playfulness Joy You cannot build joy on deception or manipulation. When a husband withholds intimacy while hiding betrayal, women often: Compare themselves to other women Question their bodies Overextend sexually to “measure up” Feel ashamed Doubt their intuition Lose trust in themselves Why This Is Not Her Fault No matter what he says, there is nothing she could have been, done, or acted like to prevent betrayal. That was his choice. Women in our group sessions for betrayal come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. Betrayal does not target a body type. If You’re Asking, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me?” Start with safety. Is he honest? Is he transparent? Does he respect you? Is he emotionally present? If not, the problem is not your desirability. The problem is relational integrity Transcript: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? Anne: On today’s episode, a certified sex therapist will talk about what it means to have safe sex. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman. We’re going to call her Maria. All right, so thinking about this topic of safety. Especially the question, is healthy sex possible after intimate betrayal? I mean, where do we even start? Maria: You know, when we choose our spouse, it’s really a m

Parents are rightfully concerned about their children’s safety. If you’re searching for tips on teaching children how to set boundaries, here’s what you need to know. Children Need To Set Boundaries to Keep Themselves Safe Here are four practical and empowering boundaries strategies when teaching children how to set boundaries: Body awareness with basic hygiene, health, and safety concepts The dangers of inappropriate media on the Internet and apps Personal Safety – prevention awareness of safe boundaries for private parts Educate children about emotional and psychological abuse. To learn about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. transcript: Teaching Children How To Set Boundaries Anne: Today I have Kimberly Perry, author of Say No and Tell, a creative view of personal safety for Maisie. That’s the girl’s version, and Daxton for boys. After teaching personal safety to over 1,000 elementary school students, she was inspired to write the Say No and Tell book series. We’re talking about teaching children how to set boundaries. Welcome, Kimberly. Kimberly: Thank you, Anne, for having me. Anne: So, I have these two books, Say No and Tell Daxton and Say No and Tell Maisie, in my home, and I’ve used it with my sons and my daughter. These books are incredible for helping children. Kimberly, why did you decide to write a book about personal safety for young kids? Kimberly: The statistics were shocking to me. How can it be that at least 2 out of every 10 girls and 1 out of every 10 boys are estimated to be sexually abused before their 14th birthday? According to Child Protective Services, every 8 minutes they respond to an abuse report. According to the CDC, about 1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are abused before the age of 18. While serving as a health and physical education teacher in the Michigan public school system, I taught a unit called personal safety to over a thousand elementary students. I wondered why I had not been taught these prevention strategies when I was a child. Sexual abuse can be physical abuse. Which most of us think of when we hear that term. It can also be non physical abuse, which is what a child might see, such as pornography. Or what a child might hear, which would be inappropriate language about private parts from a grown up to a child. Empowering Families with Personal Safety Kimberly: So with my experience of teaching these children and seeing the statistics, I want to share the message of personal safety for grownups, kids, and families, so they can be empowered. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s not just the physical body abuse. It’s the non physical, which includes pornography, and can be a grooming technique that a predator may use to groom a child into child abuse. Anne: That’s fantastic. I can use it to meet my kids where they are when teaching children how to set boundaries and concepts that I think apply to various personal safety issues. Sexual abuse, of course, included in that, but in my case, emotional abuse. I’m grateful that this gives such great examples, and then the concepts are applicable to many situations for kids’ safety. Kimberly: Anne, I am so delighted to hear you say that, because I want you to tailor it to what you need, your family values, your family terminology, and your story. So for instance, you were talking about abuse in general. Well, boundaries is one of those concepts. Boundaries define our personal property. And they allow us to take care of it by setting limits on others and internal limits within ourselves. So we teach our kids self control. That would be an example of an internal limit, the boundary of saying no defines ownership. It lets others know that we exist apart from them and are in control. So whether emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or physically, boundaries are important. So that we know where we begin and someone else ends. Structure of the Say No and Tell Books Kimberly: Within the book, there are three parts basically. Part one is the story where Maisie and Daxton in their own separate books embark on a journey of growing up, and their bodies change and prepare to migrate. The parents teach them personal safety before they go, and throughout you’ll see open-ended questions where you can define your terminology and values. You can pick and choose what you feel your child is ready to hear about boundaries, depending on what age. Part 2 of the book has 8 scenarios in which I research the predator, and turn those tactics into life skills for kids. So that we go on the offensive and not just be defensive. Some examples of the scenarios are privacy, private moments, guarding your eyes and ears. What is a safe secret versus an unsafe secret? What is a bribe, a threat and what is a safe game, etc? And then finally, the third section has solutions with numerous tools. There’s a quiz, a personal safety family plan, resou

If you’re wondering how long the betrayal trauma process takes to heal, here’s what you need to know. Betrayal trauma is what women experience before and after they discover their husband’s infidelity. And it’s not just from the discovery of his lies. It’s also caused by years of invisible emotional and psychological abuse. To find out if you’ve experienced emotional abuse (even without knowing it), take our free emotional abuse test. If you relate and need support, see our daily, online Group Session Schedule. We’d love to see you in a Session TODAY. Transcript: Rethinking The Betrayal Trauma Process Anne: It is my honor and delight to have Barb Steffens here today. Welcome, Barb. Barbara: Thanks for having me. I really appreciate the opportunity. Anne: I’m so honored to have you here today. Partners have difficulty finding appropriate support and help for themselves. Why do you think it’s so difficult to find appropriate support? Barbara: First, there’s not a lot of knowledge about abuse in general. In a counseling program, when I look at the course offerings, there’s very little that’s even being taught to therapists who are getting trained about the impact on the family. There’s not a lot of public education on the topic. And it still tends to be one of those things that people don’t understand, and so they don’t want to talk about it. So there’s just very, very little information out there. I think the general, let’s say therapist or counselor, maybe they have some awareness of addiction. But they don’t make the leap to trauma process for the wife. Sometimes people think they know enough because they read one book or something. And so then they start saying, yes, I can help this population, and end up not being helpful and sometimes hurtful. But I think it’s a lack of information, certainly a lack of training. Societal & Religious Misunderstandings Anne: I’ve been talking to my mom about this, and it seems like I’m fighting two fronts. Society in general and their misunderstanding of the issue, and then also the church. Both populations misunderstand it. The religious community sees it a certain way, and they think you should heal in a certain way. That, at least for me, was not helpful at all. And then society in general accepts pornography or they don’t understand the trauma process. Barbara: I’m glad you brought up faith community. Because I, too, have found they don’t talk about it. They’re afraid to talk about it, or when they do, they lack adequate information. And especially when the wife goes for assistance, they can get crazy kind of advice that can be hurtful too. Like, just be more sexual. Of course, when your husband looks at pornography, you must not be doing something you’re supposed to do. So those kinds of things don’t help at all. Trying to get into faith communities to educate them on this is extremely difficult. I think they have a lot of fear, they don’t want to talk about it. I think we also know that leadership in faith communities is struggling with this. Anne: Plus the fact that it’s betrayal trauma in a relationship, and with the trauma process model, we identify as actual true victims. Barbara: Right. Anne: Not that we don’t have choices, or not that we can’t be empowered. But I think for a faith community, they don’t want to admit that his behavior has left a trail of destruction. Trauma & Victim Blaming Anne: You know, they’d rather have it be, well, this is my part. And your part is, you ask me too many questions or don’t make dinner. Or one of my coaches said her religious community told her she needed to win him over with her godly demeanor. So that type of stuff is re- traumatizing to women. Barbara: Yeah. And you’re describing the distorted thoughts and beliefs of someone who’s engaging in compulsive sexual behavior. Those responses from faith communities sound like so much of the distorted thinking. It’s somebody else’s fault. It’s not that bad. No one needs to know. No one is hurt. They minimize, rationalize, and blame shift. And so unfortunately, many places do the same level of harm that the person does who is betraying their spouse. They use the same tactics. Anne: Absolutely, my church leader abused me. This happens when churches don’t believe abuse victims. That is more traumatizing to me than the actual betrayal. Because I went to someone for help, and they re-abused me. I say abuse by proxy, because he believed all the things my ex was saying, yeah. So describe treatment induced trauma. We’ve just talked about it. Barbara: Treatment induced trauma is when the spouse goes to someone that they expect that someone can help me. And then in that trauma process, they find themselves feeling harmed. And sometimes the h

If you’re experiencing betrayal trauma in a relationship, here’s a list of 50 things you need to know. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. This A-Z Betrayal Trauma Glossary is intended to help women learn everything they need to know about betrayal trauma in a relationship: what caused it and what to do next. If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Abuse A way of thinking that deems exploitation of another person acceptable. The aim of abuse is control and exploitation. Abuse is not just physical assault. Abusers use tactics that impact emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial well-being. The results are devastating and severe to his wife, as well as any children in the home. Emotional and psychological abuse are devastating with severe consequences to women and children. Women in non-physical abusive relationships are often so manipulated, they don’t even know their husband is emotionally or psychologically abusive. Abusive people don’t lose control. They try to assert control through lies, manipulation, anger, sexual coercion, marital rape, physical intimidation or violence. Pornography use is emotional and sexual abuse, even if the pornography user identifies himself as an “addict”. Abuse-by-Proxy (See “Parental Alienation”) When abusive men continue to terrorize and attempt to control victims using the family court system, by harming the children, and utilizing other unsafe people, this is abuse-by-proxy. It’s good for victims to notify authorities about emotional, psychological, physical, or sexual abuse. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Depending on the state and local system, the way you report may be more effective if you report through the Domestic Violence Shelter in your area or if a doctor or teacher reports in. In some states, reporting may increase the danger for you, because they don’t take reports of emotional or psychological (or even physical or sexual abuse) seriously. We recommend taking The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will help you understand the safe strategies to use when beginning your journey to emotional safety. Abusers may manipulate others into extending their abuse (abuse-by-proxy) by: Claiming “parental alienation” Sabotaging shared children’s relationships with therapists, teachers, doctors, etc. Refusing to co-parent in a healthy, constructive way Inserting themselves into the victim’s personal life Continuously bringing the victim to court Threatening or actually involving CPS or law enforcement simply to terrorize the victim Attempting to convince (gaslight) the children that the victimized parent is unhealthy, abusive, and/or in any way a less desirable parent than the abuser Neglecting the basic emotional and physical needs of the children Abusive Patterns Abusers skillfully keep their victims in (a cycle) patterns of emotional, social, and psychological entrapments. That make escape seem impossible and the abuse difficult to detect. These patterns can include the following phases: Manipulation (psychological and emotional abuse) – attentive, kind, helpful, apologetic, promises to seek help, admits there is a problem in the relationship Tension (psychological and emotional abuse) – any behavior from the victim that the abuser sees as offensive. Including the partner asking the abuser to seek treatment for the abuse he admitted to when he used manipulative kindness. This creates resentment, which builds up Overt abuse – physical (punching walls, screaming in your face), sexual (pornography use, soliciting prostitutes, sexting), verbal (name calling, avoiding questions), emotional (manipulating emotions), psychological (gaslighting, lying), financial, spiritual Denial (psychological abuse)– gaslighting; minimizing; victim-blaming; bold-faced lying; turning friends and family against the victim Not all abusive episodes go through these phases. For example, lies to deceive are ongoing, and a form of coercive control over a wife. Accountable Recognizing and accepting full responsibility for thoughts, feelings, perceptions, choices, etc., and the outcomes of those actions and choices. Accountability Taking responsibility for actions by acknowledging the abuse, working diligently to change behavior, and doing the incredibly hard work to make amends by continuous actions. An abuser’s wife and/or children are never responsible for any aspect of the abuser’s decisions or behaviors. She cannot cause, cure, or control it. Long-term accountability (current research indicates 3-5 years) can be a sign of change for the abuser. However, short-term bursts of accountability are manipulation used to trap the victim. Acting Out Abusers who identify themselves as “sex addicts” “act out” when they commit infidelity against their wife whether with another livin

Leaving a narcissistic husband is a brave and difficult thing to do. It’s not just about ending your marriage—it’s about escaping lies and manipulation. If you’re looking for the best way to leave a narcissist husband, here are 4 important things to know. How To Leave Your Narcissistic Husband 1. Nothing is Wrong with You—It’s Not Your Fault The first thing to know is none of this is your fault. A narcissistic husband thrives on making you feel like everything bad happening in the relationship is your fault. He’ll manipulate you into thinking you’re the problem. However, you’re likely experiencing many of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. So take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out all the ways he emotionally harmed you. But here’s the truth—no matter what he says, you didn’t cause his behavior, and you’re not responsible for fixing him. His narcissistic behavior is a choice. Best Way To Leave Narcissist Husband 2. Communication Won’t Help If you’ve spent countless hours trying to explain your feelings or set boundaries, only to be met with denial, deflection, or outright anger. Then you already know this—talking to a narcissist doesn’t work. Narcissists don’t try to solve problems or see things from your point of view. Instead, they use conversations to trick you, shift the blame, or make you doubt yourself. Protect yourself from him exploiting your energy by focusing on creating a life of peace. To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to the #1 Betrayal Trauma Podcast. https://youtube.com/shorts/XNDt0TDEShg 3. Don’t Get Others Involved Thinking They’ll “Talk Sense” Into Him Many women think it’s a good idea to ask friends or family to talk to their narcissist husband and try to make him understand. At first, this might seem like a smart plan. However, involving other people can go wrong when dealing with a narcissist. Here’s why—it’s likely he will try to trick them, just like he tricked you. Narcissists are very good at acting like the “good guy” to others. At the same time, they may try to make you seem unreasonable, too emotional, or even silly. Trying to get others on your side will leave you feeling even more isolated. Instead, keep your plans private. Seek support from people who are 100% on your team. Get the right support from a group of women who can totally empathize with you. Check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. 4. You Need a Strategy Leaving a narcissist is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out the door. Narcissists will do everything in their power to maintain control over you, even after you leave. That’s why having a clear, thoughtful strategy is critical. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop will give you step by step instructions. It will help you see exactly what’s going on, so you can anticipate what he’ll do next. It will also give you thought, communication, and boundary strategies. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There are people and resources ready to help you every step of the way. You Are Powerful Leaving a husband who is a narcissist isn’t just about leaving him. It’s about keeping yourself safe, so he can’t hurt you anymore. It’s about building a future where you don’t feel scared all the time. So take it one step at a time—use the Living Free Strategies to focus on what you can do today. If you’re still unsure how to start, visit Betrayal Trauma Recovery to find a supportive community for women experiencing narcissistic abuse. Transcript: The Best Way to Leave a Narcissist Husband Anne: It’s just me today. Many women are searching for the best way to leave a narcissist husband. Because everyone is different. There are the best strategies to use. And these strategies can be applied in different situations with different women’s personalities, and also the different narcissist personalities. So even though it might not look the same for everyone, there is definitely a best way to leave your narcissist husband, by applying specific strategies. A Glimpse into the Past Anne: And I’m going to be vulnerable today and share with you a recording I did years and years ago. Kind of praying into the universe that God would help me. And he definitely came through. It took so much longer than I thought. Everything I’ve developed over the years came straight from him. Certainly, it did not come from therapists, clergy or anyone else. I have a master’s degree in education. And since this recording, I have interviewed over 300 victims of betrayal trauma. And I started educating women about the patterns I’ve seen through all my interviews. What I know now is the best way to leave a narcissist husband. And my hope is that through my harrowing experience of figuring these things out, I can save you all those years of absolute chaos and pain. So here is this recording of my voice long ago. I was so terrified of my narcissist husband when I made the recor

The Me Too movement brought many me too examples to light. Women are sharing me too examples from within the walls of their own homes. The #MeToo movement shined a light on countless instances of abuse and harassment once shrouded in silence. While much of the movement exposed misconduct in workplaces and public spaces, some of the most hidden abuses take place within the walls of women’s homes. For many, the abuser is not a stranger or colleague, but their own husband. To discover if you’re a victim of your husband’s emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Understanding Me Too Examples at Home When the Me Too movement gained momentum, it became a platform for women to share their deeply personal stories. Among these stories, many began detailing the abuse they faced in their marriages—abuse that fits firmly into the scope of #MeToo. These stories highlight the abuse of power and betrayal of trust, themes at the core of the movement. Jasmine’s Me Too Example Take, for instance, Jasmine, a woman who bravely stepped forward to share how her husband’s betrayal is one of the me too examples. Jasmine recalls how her husband used manipulation and control to blur the lines of consent in their relationship. For years, she endured coercion and gaslighting, feeling trapped and isolated without a clear path forward. Sharing her story within the Me Too movement was Jasmine’s first step toward reclaiming her voice. Her courage not only brought her hope, but it also connected her to a community of women who had experienced similar betrayal. “I found strength in knowing I wasn’t alone,” Jasmine says. “I heard and gained clarity from women’s stories, and needed to recognize what I had endured for years.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4q9MGo_vv8I Me Too Examples Bring Hope to Victims One of the most powerful outcomes of the Me Too movement is the hope and healing it offers victims. Sharing stories of abuse—whether in the workplace, public spaces, or at home—helps women break the silence that often perpetuates shame and isolation. For women experiencing me too at home, attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session can be life-changing. Listening to others and being validated in your pain empowers victims to focus on personal safety and regain control of their lives. Knowing they are not alone can provide the hope needed to take difficult but necessary steps forward. Me Too Examples Bring Healing By speaking up about betrayal and relational abuse with safe people, women begin to feel hope. Movements like #MeToo have allowed women to redefine what abuse looks like, especially in a marital context. Relational abuse within marriage is often brushed aside as “normal” relationship issues. But survivors can now distinguish manipulation, coercion, and betrayal as the serious forms of abuse they are. Movements Like Me Too Can Inspire Change Beyond individual healing, the Me Too examples and movement creates necessary dialogue around societal reform. It highlights the gaps in understanding and addressing abuse, particularly when it occurs in intimate relationships. Movements like #MeToo educate other women about what sexual coercion is in any context, even marriage. To learn more about how me too happens in marriage, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Organizations like Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG) have risen to the occasion, providing tools, workshops, and a supportive community for women navigating #metoo in their own homes. Jasmine’s Hope for Others Jasmine’s involvement with resources like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, was instrumental in her healing. By enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop, she took steps toward emotional, psychological, and sexual safety in her own home. She learned how to set boundaries, protect herself, and rebuild her life after betrayal. For women like Jasmine, finding a supportive community and expert-guided tools is not just healing—it’s life-changing. What to Do If You’re Experiencing Abuse at Home If your husband’s behavior leaves you feeling manipulated, controlled, or unsafe, know that you’re not alone—and there are resources available to help. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop is a vital resource for women in need of strategies to protect themselves and find clarity. Why Enroll in The Living Free Workshop? Proven Strategies for Healing: Learn actionable tools to set boundaries and reclaim your emotional and psychological safety. Community Support: Connect with women who’ve been through similar betrayals and find strength in shared experiences. Expert Guidance: Gain insights from professionals who specialize in betrayal and relational trauma. Enroll today and start taking steps toward a safer, freer future. Enroll in The Living Free Workshop Now. You’re Not Alone The Me Too movement has given countless women the courage to say, “Enough is enough.”