Betrayal Trauma Recovery

If you’re looking for the best betrayal trauma support group, here are five things to consider: 5 Characteristics of an Effective Betrayal Trauma Support Group 1. Can you get support quickly? And often? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we’ve all been through betrayal trauma and know how important it is to get the right support, right when you need it. That’s why Betrayal Trauma Support Group Sessions meet online, every single day, multiple times, in every time zone. Check out the Session Schedule. 2. Can you access the betrayal trauma support group anywhere? Betrayal Trauma Support Group Sessions were designed so that you don’t need to leave your home, pay for child care, or rearrange their work schedule. Our online group sessions eliminate the need for extra time to travel, park, extra money for gas or child care, or lengthy appointments or round-trip drive times. You can attend a session from your bedroom, garage, or closet – whatever works best for your situation. 3. Do the support group professionals understand the true cause of betrayal trauma? If you don’t know the cause of betrayal trauma, it’s impossible to heal. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coaches validate victims’ experiences and help women give language to their experiences. One woman said, “After years of therapy, I was hopeless. Nothing was improving my marriage. My husband was using and lying to me. “Then I discovered The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. It was a revelation. I began attending Betrayal Trauma Group Sessions soon after that. So the Group Sessions opened my eyes. I wasn’t alone! I’ve felt seen when I couldn’t see myself. I felt heard and empowered. I finally started to make progress toward emotional safety and healing.” 4. Is the betrayal trauma support group safe? Because victims of abuse and betrayal deserve a comfortable and compassionate space to work through the difficult emotions and memories that accompany trauma. Betrayal Trauma Support Group Sessions have logical, safe guidelines, crafted carefully from years of experience dealing with betrayal trauma victims. Our Support Group ensures women feel protected and safe as they participate. 5. Does the betrayal trauma support group provide accurate, high quality resources? In addition to the betrayal trauma support group, Betrayal Trauma Recovery has: The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helps women throughout the world understand what betrayal trauma is and how to heal from it. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop will teach you thought, boundary, communication, and message strategies to begin to make your way to emotional, and psychological safety. It also includes 13 meditations to heal you without having to make any effort. Victims of betrayal are often overwhelmed and stressed. Some aren’t able to even get out of bed some days. Feeling peace is almost impossible when you feel like your entire world is falling apart. These meditations in the workshop were written specifically for women who need immediate peace and healing. Transcript: Women Share How They Found The Best Betrayal Trauma Support Group Betrayal Trauma Victim #1: Even though my husband had been unfaithful and had a problem with viewing exploitative content. Therapists looked at our issues as a “couple problem.” The multiple therapists we saw had years of experience, but they knew nothing whatsoever about betrayal trauma, integrity issues or addiction, or the emotional abuse involved. In fact, my husband was able to successfully gaslight one therapist to the point where he told me that if I would become a, quote, safe person, my husband would quit lying to me. I bet you can guess the result Yep, my husband lied to me again, and again, and again. It was never about me. So when I finally found BTR, my husband and I had spent over 10 years and 10,000 in and out of couples counseling. Thankfully, everything turned almost on a dime the day I read an article on gaslighting from BTR. This was one of the biggest aha moments of my entire life. It was almost as if I could hear the angel singing in the background as 26 painful years of fog began to lift. I immediately set up a coaching appointment with one of the BTR coaches and for the first time ever found someone who got it immediately. It’s the best support for betrayal trauma. I didn’t have to convince her, educate her, or prove a thing. She knew exactly what I was going through because she had been there, too. After years and years and thousands of dollars spent on traditional therapy, I finally found someone who understood exactly what I was going through, named it, educated me, and provided the support and contagious courage needed to become empowered to stop the abuse Why Should I Attend Betrayal Trauma Recovery Support Group Sessions? Betrayal Trauma Victim #2: I remember the day that I first found BTR. I was sitting on my back porch listening that day, d

What is marital coercion? It can take many forms, but maybe the most common is when a husband uses pornography and hides it from his wife. Karen, a victim of betrayal trauma (and a therapist), joins Anne on the to explain why this is sexual coercion. To find out if he’s using any one of the 19 different types of emotional coercion in your marriage, take our free emotional abuse quiz. If you are experiencing marital coercion, we’re here for you. Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: What Is Marital Coercion? Anne: I have Karen on today’s episode, she is a member of our community. She’s also a therapist. She’s going to use a pseudonym today to separate her professional work from her personal story. Welcome Karen. Why don’t you just start wherever you feel comfortable. Karen: Sure, basically, my husband was unfaithful. And what happened to me was what happens to so many partners. It was a very slow, leaky discovery. Whereas I initially thought there was one affair. And just as I was ready to move on from that discovery and had actually handled that well, I began to discover, of course, the rest of it. There was addiction involved, including multiple affair partners and acting out. As well as exchanging photographs and so forth. That was the beginning for me to discover what was actually going on for probably eight years before my discovery of it. Anne: You mentioned you handled it “quite well.” I want to point out that I’ve had so many victims at the beginning who feel they have to deal with it in an “appropriate way.” Like somebody told them, they can’t react with anger, sadness, or depression. And so if you could talk about your experience dealing with it “quite well.” And then also maybe why women are pressured to deal with it. In a way that a therapist, their church or society would be acceptable. Rather than allowing a victim to respond in any way that would be helpful to her. The Extent of Coercion in Marriage Karen: I think what is involved, at least for me. Is that I didn’t know the extent or depth of what was happening. And in fact, did not have the awareness of the emotional abuse and the depth of that either. Even though I knew something was wrong, I was in the dark. But it made sense to me that my husband at that time and stage in his life had taken a wrong turn and made a bad choice. That people make mistakes and we are all flawed, and that now he was back on track. And he was very motivated to heal the marriage. That was the information I first responded to. Even though that was extremely painful, I was able to walk through that with a bit of dignity and grace. So I was able to move through that rapidly, and to a place of acceptance and possibly moving forward. When I began to find out more information. Not realizing that it is coercion. So once I learned more information, I was in shock, just absolute shock. There are so many levels to this question. I think we want to appear like we can handle it? Why do we want to look good while we’re hemorrhaging to death? It’s because there’s some shame in being a victim. And I think that’s societal, and that’s about where we blame the victim, we distance the victim from ourselves. So we can look at the victim and say, “Well, I’m not like her, or I’m not like them. And that will never happen to me.” It’s a really difficult thing to identify yourself as a victim. Marital Coercion Supported By Soceital Pressure Anne: That makes so much sense, especially when it comes to a husband’s use. I went through that exact same thing too. And I thought I was dealing with his addiction recovery with grace. I wanted to be like the most supportive, helpful wife. So many victims go through that, you are not alone in dealing with betrayal. So you have a unique perspective, because you’ve been a therapist your whole life. And of course therapists are supposed to know about abuse. Likely before you found out you were abused, you thought I can recognize abuse. Can you talk about that? Karen: Yes, you can be in a situation where you’re being emotionally and psychologically abused, and you don’t identify it. It’s a slow awakening. I had been in freeze for many years, and freeze is paralysis. But I wasn’t aware that I was in freeze. So it’s like a slow thawing out of recognizing what’s been happening. And I think part of that is because It’s so insidious when it’s not real overt. I minimized it because there wasn’t physical abuse going on. About six years into our marriage, I confronted him about it. He would have an explosion verbally, he became critical, and so forth. And I basically told him at that point that I would not engage. So that actually was part of his rationalization and justification for acting out. In his twisted distorted thi

Whether it’s objectifying one human being through domestic abuse or many through trafficking, dehumanizing women is a despicable act. One of the types of exploitation is so common most people don’t know how harmful it is. Anne Basham, CEO of Anti-Trafficking International (ATI), joins Anne to dive deep into the correlations between pornography use, domestic abuse, and human trafficking. Do you need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: Types of Exploitation Anne: We have Anne Basham on today’s episode. She understands the connection between trafficking and domestic abuse. has worked in both the legislative and executive branches of the federal government, as well as government relations in the private sector. Where she advocated on behalf of human rights such as violence against women, child welfare, human trafficking and genocide. Most recently Ms. Basham was the senior advisor at the Department of Justice for Victims of Crime. Anne B. helped develop strategies to help victims of human trafficking, assault, and violence against women and children. This is why she is passionate about empowering children, parents, and frontline responders to effectively recognize and respond to human trafficking. Welcome Anne Basham. Anne B.: Thank you so much for having me. Anne: Before this episode, we talked a little about how trafficking and grooming intersect with narcissism. And the type of abuse that I talk about on this podcast all the time, all day long, every episode. So as we talk about trafficking, where you see some overlaps. I would like you to bring that out of the woodwork for our listeners. Since all of our listeners marry, men who exploit women. So I want both of us to remember that. So we can always bring it back to our listeners, and what they can do, and even how it can help them in their own situations. Intersection Of Types of Exploitation Anne: Let’s talk about how men groom women to exploit them. Because I talk about grooming on this podcast about what men do to their partners, trying to make them look like a good guy. Talk about grooming in this context Anne B.: Yeah, so there’s definitely a lot of crossover. So grooming really is conditioning someone to do something that is not within their nature. This can obviously happen in a marriage, as well as in trafficking. That’s one of the crossovers. In human trafficking, there’s a big misconception that human trafficking is mostly someone coming and kidnapping a child off your front lawn. That is not how trafficking usually happens in America. Usually it’s grooming. It’s a boyfriend at a high school who appears like a wonderful guy. He may appear like a wonderful guy to the parents, he lures her in. And conditions her slowly over time to either do things she doesn’t want to do through coercion or force, or then he threatens her. Coercion In The Context Of Trafficking For example, it’s video recording sexual acts and then threatening to put them on the internet, or show them to peers. It could be physical threats of violence against her or her family. It’s really through coercion, fraud or force. But it happens through the mechanism almost always of grooming instead of straight kidnapping. Anne: That’s super important for our listeners. I have talked to many women in our community who have been filmed by their husband and experienced marital coercion. For example, he put a camera in the shower and then uploaded it to the internet for money. Or filmed them secretly. So if she never finds out about it, is that still considered trafficking? https://youtu.be/Cnda4Lcrb0A Legal Definitions Of Exploitation Anne B.: The definition of trafficking is, it involves money. Trafficking uses fraud or coercion, then attaches money to it. For example, you can be groomed in different situations. But when it’s trafficking, you’re exchanging goods. The underpinning of trafficking is greed. Think of it like drug trafficking, it’s very similar. How can we monetize a person as a product and get money for them, and that’s what’s underneath. Anne: So if a man secretly films his wife in the shower or in other private moments, and puts it on the internet and sells it as mainstream pornography. That would be trafficking? Anne B.: That’s a really interesting question. If he films it with the intent of making money, that can cross the line into trafficking. Trafficking by definition has to do with an exchange of money. Legally, for it to be trafficking, there must be a sexual act. So if she’s in the shower and he videos her, puts it on the internet and sells it, it’s probably illegal. But it’s not technically trafficking. If however, he videos her in an act with him, and then puts it on the internet with the intent to make money, it’s trafficking. Anne: So if I were a trafficking husband’s defense attorney,

Many women quietly search how to prepare for divorce long before they say anything out loud. Preparing for divorce isn’t just paperwork. It’s emotional, strategic, and deeply personal. How To Prepare for Divorce: A Practical Guide for Women Below are four essential steps to help you prepare for divorce with clarity. 1. Get Educated About Divorce When women start researching how to prepare for divorce, they often focus only on legal logistics. But emotional and communication strategies matter just as much. It’s important to understand… How to set boundaries during separation How some spouses escalate when control shifts What communication patterns protect you What NOT to disclose too early 2. Profile Your Husband One of the most overlooked parts of learning how to prepare for divorce is predicting how your husband will react. Why this matters: Divorce often changes dynamics. A man who seemed calm in marriage may become reactive when he realizes he is losing control. Knowing likely behaviors ahead of time allows you to: Plan communication carefully Avoid unnecessary confrontations Protect documentation Prepare emotionally Strategic preparation reduces chaos. The Living Free Workshop walks women through identifying patterns so they can anticipate reactions before filing papers. 3. Find the Right Emotional Support Preparing for divorce can feel isolating. Even strong, capable women feel shaken. You may need: A space to process fear Validation when others minimize Guidance on specific issues that aren’t covered on divorce “checklists” Community with women who understand A support group like Betrayal Trauma Recovery provides emotional support tailored specifically for women navigating betrayal and separation. The team at Betrayal Trauma Recovery are not just certified divorce coaches, they’re trauma-informed coaches who understand the emotional toll of deception, gaslighting, and chronic instability. Divorce may be a legal process, but it’s also an emotional journey. Having the right support can make the difference. 4. Have Hope That You Can Thrive After Divorce When researching how to prepare for divorce, many women feel fear about the unknown: What will life look like? Will I regret this? Will my kids be okay? Can I really rebuild? Worry is normal. But listening to stories from other women who have walked this road can provide strength. The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast shares real experiences from women who navigated divorce and found clarity, safety, and stability on the other side. Hearing those stories can help you see that divorce isn’t the end of your story. Transcript: How To Prepare For Divorce Anne: I have asked my friend Debra Doak author of High Conflict Divorce for Women, Your Guide to Coping Skills and Learning Strategies for All Stages of Divorce. So for women wondering how to prepare for divorce, this interview is for you. Welcome Debra. Debra: Thank you. I’m thrilled to be here. How Common Is Divorce Regret? Anne: So many women who have been through a divorce are like, ah, things would have gone so much better if I would have known this. Or if I would have known that. Debra: We don’t know what we don’t know. And as traumatized women, we often either underreact or overreact. Both of those things can put us in a poor position when it comes to divorce. We’re also often the lower earners, or stay at home parents, and can get hurt quickly in this process if not prepared, get caught off guard. We’re also more likely to make emotional decisions, instead of strategic decisions looking out for long-term well-being. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34WXrOpiGG4 And as we know, we are also likely to trust when trust isn’t really deserved. When you trust an untrustworthy person in divorce, sometimes that can come back to bite you. Anne: A lot of women aren’t interested in doing the Living Free Workshop, even though it’s for married, separated and divorced women. It’s just about strategy, but they don’t want to do it because they think. I only need to think about strategy in the worst case scenario. They want to focus on their marriage working out. Debra: When women are trying to make that stay, wait, or go decision. Having been through betrayal trauma myself, we take baby steps. Let’s get copies of financial documents, get a little more in the loop on finances. Let’s start setting a little money aside. So we kind of just put the tip our toe in the water of getting ready. Observing from a Safe Distance Debra: While we’re going to give 150%, 100% to the marriage, and maybe 50 or 40 percent to setting yourself up just in case. Anne: Yeah, that’s exactly what the Living Free Workshop is about, how to observe from a safe distance. While determining his true character, what reality anticipates is what’s going to happen next. Also focusing on your own goals. So there is a

If you’re wondering if you’re experiencing spiritual abuse, Sharon shares how her husband’s spiritual abuse affected her. Although spiritual abuse can be subtle, sometimes it can be extremely intense. If you’re wondering if you’re experiencing spiritual abuse, take our free quiz. Effects Of Spiritual Abuse Anne: I’ve invited Coach Sharon, part of our BTR coaching team to come on today’s episode. Sharon and I have been sharing our innermost feelings about the work that we do. How it really feels so urgent to share the truth with women about spiritual abuse and what they may be facing. Welcome, Sharon. Both of us have gone through quite a lot lately, and sometimes when we’re faced with this level of evil, really. I mean oppression and people really trying to harm other people, it gets a little overwhelming at times. As we share today, I want all of you to know that everyone is always welcome here. We are interfaith no matter what religion you’re a part of, and no matter if you don’t have a religion, you are welcome here. Sharon and I are going to be sharing from our faith perspective today. This is our own personal experience, not necessarily to proselytize to you. We hope that you find it helpful and just wanted to let you know that. Again, everybody’s welcome. One of the things Sharon and I talk about is that bringing the light in the light of our savior, Jesus Christ. Well, Sharon and I are Christians, helps us do this work and sort of push out the darkness when we’re feeling overwhelmed. Sharon, in your experience being a BTR coach, she facilitates BTR Group Sessions as well as BTR Individual Sessions. Emphasis On Interfaith Inclusivity When Talking About Spiritual Abuse As you have the opportunity every day to help women. They’re in the darkness, they don’t really know what’s going on. Can you talk about that and how that feels? Coach Sharon: Yeah, coming into light is important. I mean, when you’re living in darkness and you don’t know the truth, it’s a difficult place to be. When you don’t know what the truth is, when you don’t know what the diagnosis is, when you don’t know what the problem is. Then you don’t know how to keep yourself safe. You need to know what the truth is in order to come to a place of safety. Women come into BTR not knowing what truth is, feeling like their truth, even though there’s something on the inside, I think you call it the internal warning system, that internal navigator, it will direct you. https://youtube.com/shorts/GcKBBYifx2I It will show you that there’s something going on. But knowing to trust that internal truth is difficult, especially when you don’t have words for it, when you don’t know how to define it, when there’s been no basis forever making you aware that there could even be evil. You feel crazy, you feel like this is just me. I must be alone. There must be something wrong with me. A lot of women come into BTR feeling that way, like I’m just in the dark and there’s no light. It takes so long to recover from your husband’s emotional abuse. It’s hard to navigate in darkness. It’s hard to perform any task. The Impact Of Light & Truth In Healing From Spiritual Abuse Well, if you’re doing it in darkness. BTR turns a light on and exposes abuse. It exposes emotional harm and psychological harm and spiritual harm and so forth, and helps women to get to a place where they can actually get safe. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop, you referenced that darkness in terms of living in that dark space, the workshop calls it the shadow and living in that shadow or living in that dark place or that cave. It’s a hopeless existence. So coming into light, coming into truth helps you to bring your life into a better place. I was thinking about that scripture that says men prefer darkness rather than light because their ways are evil. Now, I mean, I don’t think the Bible was specifically just referring to men, but at the same token, the principle is true. Darkness is the preferred way because evil can live in darkness, right? There’s no evil in light where there’s light, there’s truth, and truth comes in a variety of different forms. But if we don’t expose ourselves to truth, then we stay in darkness. For example, I think in scripture, but I was thinking about the text that says, and you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free. But if you don’t access truth, financial truth or physical truth in terms of nutritional truth or there’s lots of different truth that we need to expose ourselves to, but my people perish for a lack of knowledge. Truth Overcomes The Effects Of Spiritual Abuse If you don’t have the knowledge, then you don’t have the truth. If you don’t have the truth, then you don’t have safe

The picture book Trauma Mama Husband Drama is the best way to explain betrayal trauma to someone who doesn’t quite “get it”. If you’re feeling ignored, dismissed, and blamed for your husband’s infidelity, you’re not alone. Trauma Mama Husband Drama Is The Best Way To Explain Betrayal Trauma The term “betrayal trauma” is not knows or misunderstood in many circles. Anne knows this and wanted to help women give a name to the mental, physical, and emotional symptoms that women suffer when their partners abuse them through betrayal. Using Trauma Mama, Husband Drama to understand and give a voice to the emotions they are experiencing may be helpful to victims of betrayal trauma. Trauma Mama, Husband Drama Uses Illustration When Words Don’t Work Victims of betrayal know that the devastation of betrayal can surpass any attempt at verbal description. When words are too hard, illustrations can help victims process pain. It was a lot harder than I thought to illustrate some of these concepts visually. One of the pictures is of Dad, and it’s this vortex of abuse where sometimes he’s sweet and sometimes he’s on a rampage. We were trying to figure out how to do that, and it was a difficult concept. A friend of mine said, ‘What about a tornado?’ so we did a tornado. Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Furthermore, by making it a picture book, Anne made it easier for women in trauma to understand its contents and more accessible to clergy, family, and friends who might be less inclined to read a lengthy book about abuse. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Empowers Victims Of Betrayal At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we will never stop finding new ways to help victims of betrayal find safety and healing. We know that women need a safe space to process their trauma, share their stories, ask questions, and make connections with other victims who get it. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets daily in multiple time zones, offering victims the validation, support, and compassion they need. Join today. Transcript: The Best Way To Explain Betrayal Trauma This episode follows Jenna’s Story:1: Is It Wrong To Check Your Husband’s Phone? – Jenna’s Experience 2: The Best Way To Explain Betrayal Trauma (THIS EPISODE)3: How To Recognize Victim Blaming – Jenna’s Story4: When He Lies About Small Things, This Brilliant Analogy Offers Insight Anne: So today, a member of our community, I’ll call Jenna is with me. She follows me on Instagram, where we interact quite a bit. She’s amazing, I’m so grateful for her. Welcome. Jenna: Hi Anne, thanks for having me. Anne: I wrote the book Trauma Mama Husband Drama, because all the abuse books are thick, big old books. And if you hand somebody, one of these books, like clergy or a therapist, or your mom. It’s so overwhelming. My book Trauma Mama Husband Drama is very simple. It is the best way to explain betrayal trauma to someone who doesn’t get it, because it’s pictures and then there’s infographics in the back. I sent one of these books to Jenna. You can a copy of my book, Trauma Mama Husband Drama on Amazon. Jenna: I first saw the cover, and the illustrations are beautiful. And of course, I read the title Trauma Mama Husband Drama. I kind of chuckled to myself, because I’ve read the Llama Mama, Pajama, whatever that book is, to my son a million times. And I liked the simplicity of the text, but also the accuracy of everything. I felt like it portrayed exactly how I felt in my experience of betrayal trauma. I felt like it was a clear explanation for going through how infidelity and betrayal trauma felt as the wife of an addict. Traditional Abuse Books Are Not The Best Way To Explain Betrayal Trauma Anne: So because I interact with thousands of women on Facebook and Instagram, YouTube and Tik TOK, women share their stories with me. They also obviously come on the podcast to share their stories. So I hear thousands of women’s stories. I continue to hear new stories every day. So I have both a very broad overview of what it’s like to go through betrayal trauma, and then I understand it on a very specific intimate level because I went through it. But then I also hear all the details of other women’s stories. So my goal for this book was to explain betrayal trauma to somebody who might not understand it. Jenna: Absolutely, because you interact with so many women every day, you hear the stories of women with so many experiences and backgrounds. And I felt like this book captured the themes. I know that women with different experiences can still relate, even though the stories themselves can be so different. There’s so much overlap. Anne: So I gave one of those big old abuse books that explains all the details about abuse to my ecclesiastical leader. And my big chunky non-fiction book will be coming out soon. And I love reading books about abuse, and

Are you losing sleep worrying about the harm that your narcissistic husband or ex is causing you child? Here’s 5 ways to help the child of a narcissist if you’re desperate to protect your child from the toxic influence of a narcissistic father? To discover if your child is being abused by your narcissistic husband or ex, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 5 Ways To Help The Child Of A Narcissist: Learn why the narcissist does what he does. Invite people into your circle who can support your children. Learn how to use effective strategies and boundaries. Knowing that not having contact with an abuser is best. Create peace inside of yourself. Transcript: 5 Ways To Help The Child Of A Narcissist Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Rose. She reached out to me and wanted to know how narcissism affects children. So I invited her to come on the podcast and share her story. As she shares her story, I’m going to point out five ways to help the child of a narcissist. Welcome Rose. Rose: Thank you. I’m so happy to be here today. Anne: We’re grateful that you would take the time to reach out. First Way To Help The Child Of A Narcissist: Learn Why The Narcissist Does What He Does. Anne: So Rose, before you understood that your husband and then ex was a narcissist. What was going on in your home and with your kids? Rose: To start the story, I probably should have never married him in the first place. Unfortunately, I met him when I was 18, so I didn’t know anything about narcissistic people. He broke up with me a lot of times while we were dating. And I’m not sure why I stayed with him. I think I’m sort of a helping type personality. So I guess I felt like I could fix him or change him so that he treated people with kindness and respect. Anne: That’s so common for victims of narcissistic abuse, because narcissists groom victims so well they don’t understand what’s going on. So that is the first way to help the child of a narcissist: To learn why the narcissist does what he does. That’s why I wrote the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to explain in detail. Why the narcissist does what he does. Often people think the solution is just getting to know them better and spending more time. While you’re dating, but narcissists are so good at manipulation and hiding who they are. That women can even be married to a narcissistic husband for 5, 10, 15, even 40 years, and not recognize what they’re looking at. If they don’t know what to look for. So that’s the first way. Learn about why narcissists do what they do. Rose’s Marriage & Realizations Anne: Rose, in your case, can you talk about how long you were with him before you marry and the length of your marriage? And what behaviors tipped you off that something was wrong? Rose: We dated for five years. Then we were married for 18. He didn’t help much with the kids. He was always angry. I saw the effects of his yelling on the kids. They were afraid of him. And never knew when he was going to blow up. They were afraid of men. It was like walking on eggshells. And I really didn’t trust him around the children. Honestly, like if he watched TV, he wouldn’t be watching the children. I started realizing it wasn’t a healthy relationship, probably when the kids entered kindergarten. That somehow I needed to get out of there, and I wasn’t sure how. I had no relatives around, so it was really hard for me. I didn’t even consider it for a long time. But then one night he got really, really angry with the kids for breaking something. And when I tried to intervene, he almost threw a screwdriver at me. That was the breaking point. So I took my kids, I took some clothes and photography equipment, and left. Unfortunately, we stayed in the same neighborhood as him. Because I wanted to keep everything the same for the kids, I found a teaching job. But over the next couple of years, it was a struggle for me to teach full-time and help my children get the support and help they needed. Because all three of them had issues, and probably their biggest issue is self esteem, relating to being a child of a narcissist. Low Self-Esteem For A Child Of A Narcissist Anne: Talk about why his behavior affected their self-esteem, the types of things that a child of a narcissist would experience, and then how they reacted to it and internalized it. Rose: Well, as a narcissist, he was always right. He did not listen to anything they said. He would call them names and belittle them. If they had a problem, he would just ignore it, or he would make them feel bad for even having a problem. I remember one time my middle daughter had lice, and he literally just ripped the comb through her hair. He was so angry at her for having that, trying to get the little nits out of her head, and just ripped out her hair in the process.

Many women desperately want to know, “Can my husband change?” The short answer is yes. The long answer is, it’s extremely complicated. If you’re interested in observing from a place of emotional safety to see if this will happen, you’ll need strategies to keep you emotionally safe. If you need help understanding if your husband is changing, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. We understand the deep desire to have a peaceful home. Anne shares that once you’ve established emotional safety, here are the 9 signs to watch for to see if your husband is changing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jf3qujhSwdk 9 Signs Your Husband Can Change If you’re looking for signs your husband can change, this is what you’d be looking for. Without any prompting from you, a therapist, or anyone else, has your husband Acknowledged his lies and manipulation? Admitted all of it was a choice he made. And that he made that wrong choice over and over? Explained all the ways he used false justifications? Stopped denying and minimizing? Shown empathy naturally, without being taught by a therapist, prompted, or reading a script? Proven through his actions and words that your needs are equal to his? Begun making a living amends for all the damage he’s caused, and he continues to make amends for years. He continually brings up the damage he’s caused to you, asks about how you’re feeling and what he can do for you. Then he follows through and does what you ask. It’s something he brings up often? Accepted the consequences of his behavior? Given up his exploitative privilege? 9 Signs Your Husband Isn’t Changing, He… Criticizes you for considering him capable of behaving abusively (even though he has been abusive). Reminds you about the bad things he would have done in the past, but isn’t doing any more, which amounts to threatening you. Tells you that you’re taking too long to make up your mind. And that he “can’t” wait forever. Which amounts a threat. Which is coercion. Blames his behavior, the situation or his choices on you, even in the most subtle way. Says “I’m changing” to get you to do something you feel uncomfortable about. Claims he can only change if you change too. Whines that you need to help him change by giving him emotional support. Or anything else that makes his non-abusiveness dependent on you. Criticizes you for not realizing how much he’s changed. Condemns you if you doubt the change will last. Transcript: Can My Husband Change? 9 Things To Observe Anne: So it’s just me today, and I’m here to admit that I believe people can change. If someone decides to become a different person, they can change their character through choices and actions. Because I believe people can change, and so do most victims. The most common thing in the world for a victim to do is wonder or ask, “Can my husband change?” Or even “What are the signs my husband changing?” We often ask these questions long before we even wonder what’s going on with him. And so we might talk to him about what’s going on, or we might go to couple therapy. Because psychologically abusive husbands are expert manipulators. He’s been manipulating us and everyone around him for years. So there’s only one way to know if he’s actually changing, and that’s observing his actions from a safe distance. Because when we confront our husband about his behavior, he’s going to kick his manipulation into high gear. And at this point, they’re either going to be very threatening, angry and scary. Which is the most obvious sign that he’s not changing. Or they may manipulate us in a way that feels good to us. False Promises & Therapy Anne: This could include committing, never to do it again. When really, he just means he’s going to hide it better. Often they promise to start going to therapy, and they actually go to therapy, but that doesn’t help. That just means he’s an abusive man going to therapy time and time again. We see that therapy does not help an abusive man change. More often, it just solidifies the justifications he’s used for being abusive. He might promise to attend 12-step. He might even start attending 12 step meetings. But again, going to 12-step therapy is not a sign that he’s changing or even willing to change. It’s only a sign that he’s going to therapy or 12-step, that’s it. He might even partially or fully admit to what he’s done and the hurt he’s caused you, and apologize. But are his actions changing? Saying I can change or want to change is not the same as actual change. And if he has not changed. And it’s not safe to treat him as if he’s safe, because you deserve safety. The Clarity After Betrayal Workshop is the best guide for teaching you how to est

Like many women, Brandi found herself asking, “Is my husband emotionally abusive?” The ramifications of learning this can seem overwhelming. To find out if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 1. Your Husband Is Emotionally Abusive If He Lies Emotional abuse victims state that his constant lying is one of the worst parts of his emotional abuse. Lies are emotionally abusive, because hiding the truth from you is one way he manipulates your emotions. This emotional manipulation is calculated to control the narrative and maintain his ability to exploit you. Lying is not just stating the opposite of something you know to be true. There are many different kinds of lies that emotionally abusive husband’s use: Lies of commission: this is a lie that is blatant. “I didn’t use pornography yesterday” (when he did use pornography yesterday). Lies of omission: he used pornography yesterday, you didn’t ask or discover anything to ask about, and he didn’t disclose it to you. This is a form of lying just as serious as a lie of commission. It is also marital coercion. Detraction: this is a powerful and manipulative form of lying. This involves telling some of the truth while also inserting some kind of emotion that detracts from what he has just said. “I only used pornography for an hour yesterday. Aren’t you proud of me? I was so excited to tell you because that’s the shortest amount of time I’ve ever used it and I’m making progress. I’m going to call my sponsor, I know he’ll be so happy for me, just like you are!” Fine-Grain lies: he knows what you are asking, because he intentionally withholds the truth: “I didn’t use pornography yesterday.” (when he did use it TODAY). Exaggeration: yes, exaggeration in the hands of an emotional abuser is absolutely a form of lying. It’s a way to dumb down the abusive behavior and withhold important truth from the partner. “I only used pornography for ten minutes yesterday” (when he used it for hours). Any other form of manipulation or withholding of truth. When your partner says or does anything to deceive you from knowing or fully understanding the entire truth, he’s lying to you. Any time that he obstructs you from discerning the truth, he is lying to you. Lying, in and of itself, is emotional abuse. 2. Blaming: What Your Husband Uses to Emotionally Abuse You After discovering betrayal, women will often look at themselves to determine what they did to cause the betrayal. An emotionally abusive husband will use this as an opportunity to manipulate his wife into thinking it’s her fault. He’ll blame her to: Avoid responsibility and accountability Pretend like he’s a victim of his own pornography use or other abusive behaviors Lie and tell her she’s emotionally abusive to him – which caused him to use pornography. Gaslighting is another covert way he may blame you for the emotional abuse. This is tactic where the emotionally abusive husband systematically undermines his wife’s reality to make her think it’s her fault in some way. If he’s created a narrative to alter your reality, you’re being emotionally abused. If you think he’s gaslighting you, enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine what’s really going on. 3. Justification: How He Makes His Emotional Abuse Make Sense A husband who is emotionally abusive knows his behavior is wrong. For example, everyone knows that it’s wrong to yell at another person unless you are truly protecting them from danger. An emotionally abusive husband will raise his voice to asserts his entitlement or other exploitative privileges. However, he’ll justify that this bad behavior wasn’t wrong with any or every excuse possible. He’s Emotionally Abusing You When He Justifies The Abuse Justification is another way they can alter your perception of what is going on. For example, he may say things like, “It’s just porn. It’s not a real person so it’s not that bad. It’s not cheating. I’m a man, so I can’t help it. I have a high sex drive and besides, all men look at it. It’s a guy thing. It’s what they do. I only do it a few times a month. It’s not a problem.” At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe that every woman deserves emotional safety. You don’t have to do this alone. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: 3 Compelling Reasons To Learn About Abuse Anne: We’re going to cover three compelling reasons to learn about hidden abuse today. I’m going to lay them out for you right now really quick. Number one, learn about emotional and psychological abuse, so that your emotional safety is the top priority. Number two, an emot

Women are often surprised to learn that lying is emotional abuse. Many victims blame themselves for his lies and other abusive behaviors in trying to make sense of a chaotic situation. The responsibility lies completely with the abuser. He is fully accountable for his decisions to lie and manipulate. It is never the victim’s fault. Women deserve support and safety: join the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group today. Whether He Has a Diagnosis Or Not, Lying Is Emotionally Abusive While some abusers may be diagnosed with various mental disorders and/or illnesses, many are not. Some women may find that if their abuser receives a diagnosis, it may seem more compassionate to justify or minimize his abusive behavior. Regardless of why he chooses to be emotionally abusive, women deserve emotional safety. Transcript: Yes, Lying Is Emotionally Abusive Anne: I have Kelly, a victim of emotional abuse on today’s episode. She was a victim of financial abuse and also coercion. She’s going to share her story. And although Kelly and I are both Christian, we know that many listeners to this podcast aren’t. BTR is interfaith and inner paradigm. We welcome everyone. We also invite everyone to share their own personal experience. So as you hear us mention our belief in God, it’s not to offend or to proselytize, but just because we’re sharing from our own experience. And if you’re interested in sharing your experience from whatever faith perspective or paradigm you ascribe to. I would be honored to hear your story. So contact me at [email protected] to set up an interview. Okay, let’s start with your story. Anne: Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Kelly: I certainly did not. In fact, it was probably about three and a half years into our marriage before someone first told me they could be considered abuse. Up until that point, I had always known that abuse in my mind involved physical violence. And that was not at play in my marriage. I never had any bruises or anything like that. And so while I knew things were not good and it was a difficult relationship, I thought that’s all it was. That you marry for better or worse. And that we went through many of the worst times is what it seemed like. Anne: During that time, where you didn’t recognize the abuse, were you aware of exploitative materials use or any other consent issues related to your relationship? Discovering The Double Life Kelly: A few months after we married, it became evident that I had married someone living a double life. There were huge and extreme lies, and I didn’t know that lying was emotionally abusive. It was about four weeks into our marriage when I first discovered all these. The one day stands out in my mind started out just like any other day. I grabbed my things and went to work. He is in his last semester of undergraduate studies and is graduating in just a few months after we married. And I got to work, and a little later I realized my charger for my laptop is back at the house. https://youtu.be/j8CvkDrWyRc So I finished meeting with a client, and ran home to grab it. I walked in the front door, he was sitting on the couch in the living room, and I was confused. Because I knew he should be in classes at that time. So I had no idea why he was there. And obviously, I jumped a little bit when I opened the door, not thinking anyone would be there. And I said, what are you doing here? He was flustered, and he starts mumbling about how he has a big test coming up for school that he needs to study for. So he skipped classes to focus on that. And I remember in my head thinking, Well, the semester just started a few weeks ago. He should not be at that point yet, of needing to skip things to study for an exam when he’s only had class for a few weeks. But, like I said, it was kind of in the middle of a work day. I needed to get back to work, so I just said, Alright, we’ll talk about it later, and left. Not Knowing Lying Is Emotional Abuse Kelly: It took around two months to figure out what was going on. And I knew that he had a history of not doing well in school, so I was immediately concerned and worried about it. And really, every time I tried to talk to him, he never had any straight answers on anything. So eventually, time after time, of trying to ask, okay, well, what time are your classes or which day do you have classes? Or when do you have projects due? Just so I could keep up with it all. He couldn’t figure it out and eventually got to the point where I said, well, why don’t you just log into your portal online so I can look at it with you? And try and sort through all this so that we’re both on the same page and not confused here? He couldn’t do that either. And I told him, well, you know, try and go to the IT department. Maybe you need to get your account reset, all that sort of thing. Eventually, a couple weeks later, he still couldn&#821

For decades, men who choose to engage in problematic sexual behaviors have been treated as “addicts” according to the traditional addiction model. Tragically, some professionals have labeled label victims of domestic abuse as co-addicts or codependents or told her that she can do something to “help” him. Here’s what you need to know before searching for a “CSAT therapist near me” or other sex addiction therapist or program. As you read and listen, if you relate and find you need support, check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. Trauma Is Caused By Abuse, Not “Addiction” When experts call betrayed women co-addicts or codependents, they ignore the fact that we’re abuse victims. Betrayed women are not to blame that our husband betrayed us. We’re injured due to his abuse. Many people can agree that partners experienced trauma. Dear Sex Addiction Therapists, if you can agree that we experienced trauma due to our husband’s infidelity, why can’t you correctly define what caused the trauma? At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand the devastation of re-traumatization when professionals imply a victim cased her own abuse by labeling her a “co-addict” or “codependent”. Having personal experience going to addiction therapists, and interviewing over 200 victims of betrayal trauma throughout the years, it’s my opinion that the addiction model misses the boat because it doesn’t identify the situation as domestic abuse. BTR would never label a victim in such a way as to give her partial responsibility for his abuse. Just to prove the point, if you’re husband has been diagnosed as an addict, he’s likely using many of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. To see, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: What You Need To Know Before Scheduling With A Addiction Expert Anne: It’s just me today. It’s heartbreaking, Many women who find this podcast have just found out their husband uses exploitative content. Or that he’s been secretly paying for women who have been exploited. Otherwise known as prostitutes, or other secret things. If this has happened to you, maybe you went to clergy, and the clergy suggested your husband is a addict. Or perhaps you went to therapy, and a therapist suggested he’s an addict. And that diagnosis probably makes sense to you. Because if he wasn’t some kind of addict, why would he have been lying to you for years about his use or other secret behaviors? And if you do a little research, you’ll see that many people recommend a CSAT, a certified addiction therapist, or an AASAT. So thinking you might need to get your husband one of these specializes in addiction, the rest of this episode, we’ll explain why searching for a “CSAT therapist near me” is not a good idea until you’ve been educated about abuse. Understanding Codependency Anne: We first need to talk about codependency. Codependency came out of the chemical dependency scene in Minnesota, around the 1970s. That was when the term was originally used to describe the symptoms that people would have, who were closely related to, or in a relationship with someone with a chemical dependency problem. The basic idea of codependency is that a codependent person has, “Let another person’s behavior affect her.” Now, before I get any farther. I’m setting this all up for you to realize how wrong this is when applied to sexual or emotional abuse. To know a little bit about what to expect when you go to an addiction specialist. Definition Of Co-Addicts Anne: Addiction specialists generally describe co-addiction as someone who is married to, or in a significant relationship with, an addict. These so-called co addicts demonstrate behavioral characteristics, including denial, preoccupation, enabling, rescuing, taking excessive responsibility, emotional turmoil, efforts to control, compromise of self and intimacy issues. So how is codependency diagnosed? One of the main diagnostic criteria for codependency is that the wife of an addict is trying to control the addict. Addiction specialists in general say that co-dependency or co-addiction can range in severity. And then the “treatment” for a co addict, is to figure out how to stop letting the addict’s actions affect her. And in general views her efforts to control his behaviors are part of her “illness”. So the main reason not to go to an addiction specialist if your husband is a so-called addict is that they won’t approach the situation from an abuse perspective. Betrayal Trauma vs. Codependency Model Used By A “CSAT Therapist near me” Anne: Which sounds good, because betrayal trauma is the right term to use. Thank goodness it’s not a diagnosis. Healthy women react in a normal way to abuse. So if they use this term bet

Many women who’ve experienced their husband’s exploitation wonder how to prevent exploitation for all victims. The first step to understanding if your husband exploits you, is to know if he manipulates your emotions for his own gain. To discover if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. If your husband exploits you through manipulating you to think it’s your duty or obligation, we’re here for you. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: How To Prevent Exploitation Anne: I have my friend Dawn Hawkins on today’s episode. She is the executive director of the National Center on Sexual Exploitation helps keep women safe in various ways. Welcome, Dawn. Dawn: Thank you, Anne. I’m so happy to be here. We love your podcast. Anne: So I wanted you, Dawn, to talk about how my listeners. who are extremely interested in stopping the harms of inappropriate media can get involved in the fight. What do you need our listeners to do? Dawn: I have a long list of things that people can do to help in this fight. But let me start by saying, I think one of the weaknesses in the fight to stop exploitation is that often we silo these issues, and they’re all interconnected. It’s important that we look at how inappropriate media is connected to violence against women. And how this type of exploitative content drives demand for human trafficking and prostitution, and how inappropriate media is connected with exploitation. There’s so much intersectionality. And I think we do a disservice when we try to silo them out. So, if your listeners could take away from this, the need to talk about these issues as connected will help grow the entire movement to prevent exploitation. And I think it will foster more holistic solutions. Anne: I could not agree more. Personal Stories Highlighting The Issue Anne: One woman I recently met is considering whether she should continue to date someone. And I know about his history of using exploitative media. She texted me and she said, “Do you know what type of exploitative media he used? Was it just with women? Or did he see it with children?” She wouldn’t ask this question if she understood this issue. It doesn’t matter what type someone uses. It’s all interconnected, there is severe betrayal trauma from all infidelity. Dawn: Yeah, most definitely. I would agree with that building on that example. This is really sad. A young woman that I know well, since she was like a preteen, reached out to me to explain to me her relationship was getting serious. She’s now in her early 20s, and she thinks it’s moving towards marriage, but he’s addicted to this stuff. And he disclosed that to her, and he disclosed he has purchased women for before, and she’s like, “He promises he’s better now.” “But now what do I do?” She said, “He said he’s been “free” from exploitative media for three months.” So it’s not like he’s made a clear recovery. But also just that connection between inappropriate media and exploitation. And as we know, it often also equates to affairs and all these other types of things later on. Anne: What she needs to understand and what every woman needs to understand is that any man who participates in exploitative media, when they’re participating in it, is participating in abusive behaviors. Every time you click, it’s abusive. It’s not just abusive to the women in the it, although it is, but also abusive to the person you’re dating or the people around you. Recognizing Abusive Behaviors Anne: It’s actually an abuse issue. Someone basically told her, “Well, I was abusive, but I’m not anymore.” She needs to learn about what those abusive behaviors look like, has he changed or not? And we have so many podcast episodes about that. And she can come here and find how to know if my abusive husband is changing or how to know if he is not using anymore. So our listeners know that they need to set boundaries in their own homes. What can they do on a community level to protect all women or society from the harms of exploitation? Community Actions To End Exploitation Dawn: One is to challenge and oppose exploitation whenever and wherever you see it, and that might be nerve wracking, like you’re at the grocery store, and you see a explicit magazine, or you’re at Starbucks, and somebody’s watching exploitative media on their computer right there in front of everybody. Whenever you see exploitation, pointing that out and raising your voice. It might be terrifying in the moment, but it is so incredibly empowering to know that you have a voice and is being heard. But I also want to share that when other people hear, they might be embarrassed or shy to speak up themselves. They

If men knew how deeply their actions affected victims, would they continue to lie and manipulate? Infidelity leaves lasting, painful trauma that can affect a victim’s life for years after the betrayal. If you need support check out The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. Transcript: How Does Infidelity Harm Victims? Hillevi was born in Valparaiso, Indiana. In 1993 she married her now-husband. Together with their five children, they lived a dream marriage until Hillevi discovered his secret life of infidelity in 2013, shortly after they moved to the mountains of Colorado. Supporting Victims of Infidelity Hillevi has listened to this podcast from the beginning. She has been a devoted supporter of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, not just emotionally, but also financially, by supporting the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. I want to thank her for her continued support to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, because this podcast is due in part to Hillevi and women like her who support this podcast. Hillevi: Thank you so much because you too have done a lot to support the rest of us women who have experienced infidelity, I listen avidly to your podcast. What I Felt Was Like A Sisterhood Anne: You said that you were listening from the very beginning where I was sort of a mess crying in the microphone. Fumbling around trying to figure this out. You have seen in real-time me come into my full understanding and power that I’m in now. Which is so different than I was four years ago. Just for our audience, you witnessing that real-time, what did you observe? Hillevi: I felt like I was walking through everything I went through from the onset of my discovery of my husband’s betrayal, and what I felt was like a sisterhood. You were expressing things, feeling things in real-time. I had just passed through some of those emotions and was still struggling to find my way through this and maintain my marriage. It was very much just kind of a give and take of: I hear you, I understand, I’ve been there, I’m going through that again. It’s not just a single straight path of a timeline. It was definitely great to have you along for the ride or me along for your ride. The Codependency Model Blames Victims Anne: And vice versa because we’re all in this together in this journey of healing from infidelity. It’s really cool to be part of that collective community. When someone has an epiphany and they let me know about it then I can podcast about it and that helps other women have epiphanies. We’re all working together to come out of the fog. Also, I feel like all of us are genuinely praying for truth and for peace. The Lord is guiding all of us sort of collectively together to find these things out. I think it’s interesting that so many of us started with a codependency model, and spoiler you’re not codependent! Then we’ve all sort of independently or together found this abuse model. It really is the only thing that makes sense. Hillevi: Oh, absolutely. I remember in the 80s I was dating a drummer. He was one of those off again on again, I love you now but now I need other women and then come back to me. A girlfriend gave me the book Women Who Love Too Much, and many people who listen know that book. I didn’t know if that rang true or not, it just seemed like it put too much of the blame on me. Rather than, you know I need to just walk away and just stand up and stop accepting abuse. That’s kind of where I started in understanding the, just the codependency model was so, so wrong. It was blaming the victim. Infidelity & Victim Blaming Anne: So, let’s talk about that victim blaming that happened to you. It was around you in the 80s and 90s. Your bio mentions that you went to some workshops on “How to be a Godly Woman”, and about “The Total Woman Workshops”. I’m not aware of these. Were these really popular back then? Hillevi: Oh, it was so popular. Maribel Morgan author of The Total Woman, appeared on everybody’s television from Donahue to whatever. Christian women needed to learn to totally submit. And also subject yourself to your husband’s whims and desires, and dress like he wants you to. That little scene in Fried Green Tomatoes, if you remember, when Kathy Bates wraps herself in saran wrap. That was from The Total Woman. I kid you not. That kind of feeling that if you were a truly godly woman. You would take that one verse out of Ephesians 5, you know, and just put that as the idol in your home. You must submit. I just was too rebellious in nature to submit. Indfidelity & The Concept Of “Submitting” Oneself My father hated that; my father was alive at the time. I was very very fortunate to grow up with a dad who said you can become anything, anyone you want. There is no limit, there’s no glass ceiling, and so my dad really hated what he saw me becoming. He asked me to please go back and read

Are you considering trying to convince your husband to go to therapy? Or making a therapy appointment for your difficult husband? Is your husband’s therapist making things worse? Anne Blythe, M.Ed. covers the 5 things you need to consider before making a decision. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Many professionals avoid using the word “abuse” and instead use words like “harm” or “mistreat” because they don’t want to hurt the abuser’s feelings. A therapist who uses the word “abuse” holds the perpetrator accountable and acknowledges the very real pain that the victim is experiencing. 5 Thing To Watch For If You’re Condsidering Helping Your Husband go To Therapy: Did your husband make the appointment without you mentioning that he needs therapy? Think about why you want him to go to therapy. Is it for a basic thing that he should already know how to do, like tell the truth? When an abusive man has appointments set for him by his victim, he uses the therapist to manipulate his victim. Is there a way to determine if he’s abusive before you suggest therapy to him? If he’s abusive, he’ll use the therapy as leverage for more emotional and psychological abuse. Since a therapist is likely to pin the cause of his abuse on common inaccurate reasons like childhood trauma, addiction, or personality disorder, etc, the abuser will be happy to use that “diagnosis” to justify his behavior and continue his lying and manipulation. Transcript: Your Husband’s Therapist – 5 Things To Watch For Anne: It’s just me today. I want to talk about your abusive husband’s therapist. It’s the most natural thing to consider finding a therapist for your husband when he exhibits abusive behaviors like lying, manipulation, basically any unhealthy behavior. Anyone’s going to tell you to go to therapy, right? But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we know something therapists don’t know. We know what women who have been through this know: Abuse happens in the context of our society and the socially acceptable ways that people interact. Men know that to assert control, they’ll need to manage their image. So it was the girlfriend who became his wife. All the people at their church, their clergy and their therapist view him as a particular sort of person. So he has control, and he can maintain that control. And over time, he’ll chip away at her sense of self and her support system. So she becomes more and more unsure and isolated. He pulls her more and more away from her own internal warning system. These men are smart. Men know that women resist abuse. Men know that women don’t like lies, manipulation and coercion. Only psychologists and therapists think women fail to resist abuse. Men know well that women will resist it. So they need to do it carefully and very covert ways, because they know that if they get caught, women will resist even more. We know they know this because they don’t act overtly abusive in the beginning. Narcissists groom victims to appear kind, loving, generous, and selfless. Because they know women don’t want to be treated badly. They know how to act appropriately. Men know that women want to be respected. So he acts like he respects you. Your Husband’s Therapist Has Misconceptions Anne: Psychologists are confused because they’re like. “Why would you be with someone who doesn’t respect you?” And you’re like, well, men are smart. They know what women want. And they also know how to get what they want in a way that seems socially acceptable. Through grooming, lying and manipulation, and lying is emotionally abusive. So when we learn about abuse, it’s important to look at how the abusive husband’s choices can’t be severed, from how the victim resists. And then how society views her resistance and responds to that resistance. Resisting abuse with supportive people who understand it’s abuse is totally different than trying to resist abuse when the abuser has collected a team of helpers to extend his abuse. Here’s an example of resisting abuse. One member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community decided to have lunch with her abusive ex. She was terrified of him, but she was weighing her safety needs. Not consciously, but subconsciously, she was willing to trade her emotional safety for financial safety. To resist his financial abuse, she hoped that if she had lunch with him, he would be more inclined to pay for the kids’ extracurricular activities. https://youtube.com/shorts/pjEKsR_cvy8 But a therapist might say something like. Why would you meet someone who’s been emotionally and psychologically abusive to you? Because they don’t get it. Despite her willingness to forgo emotional safety for financial safety, the lunch did not go well. When

Are you wondering, “Is my husband holding me back?” Understanding the signs that your husband may be sabotaging your personal progress is crucial in taking steps toward a healthier, happier life. Sarah, used the The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to determine exactly what was going on and how to overcome the ways her husband was undermining her. In this episode, Sarah talks about overcoming the ways her husband held through using meditation. Using Meditation To Overcome What’s Holding You Back Anne: Sarah recently enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop and she’s been doing one meditation per week. What meditation are you on now? Sarah: I just finished the I AM LOVED Meditation. Writing Can Help Make Us Make Progress Anne: I wrote these meditations because at a certain point, talking was not helping me as much as meditation or yoga because I talk all the time. I never am not talking about it. If I hit a healing roadblock talking, it wasn’t actually getting the trauma out of my body or helping me that much. I started doing meditations on YouTube and several different other places. They were never specific to this situation, they weren’t gender specific. They weren’t exactly what I wanted, and so I wrote them. How everything has gone with BTR, it’s been, why not create the thing that doesn’t exist that I need. Sarah: And is actually so helpful. That and your emotional abuse quiz! It’s the only quiz that actually helped me understand what was happening! The Benefits Of The Meditation When YOur Husband Is Undermining You Sarah: I’ve loved them. I have absolutely loved them, I love that you can do them multiple times. They only take about a half hour. I love that they are specific to me. I feel like I’ve done a lot more healing with the betrayal meditations than I have in years of therapy or groups because it’s more individualized. It’s specific to me, and it’s what I think my pain is, and it allows me to get rid of that and be more open to the future and healing the wounds. I’ve really loved them. I’m an introvert, very much. If I could go back in time, I would’ve just done BTR from the get go. I think I would’ve just sped up my recovery a lot faster and I would’ve gotten to safety a lot faster if I had done BTR. Anne: Yeah, BTR Group Sessions or BTR Individual Sessions. Totally. BTR Group Sessions are awesome. It’s safety oriented, it’s the right group to go to if you want group support. It’s also really good to hear other women share their experiences. There are some women who love BTR Group Sessions and they want to do it in perpetuity, and I think that’s awesome. For me, there was a certain point where talking wasn’t going to help me anymore. My Husband’s Betrayal Is Holding Me Back Do you feel like you were kind of in that boat where when you’re thinking I still need to heal after betrayal and this seems like a better choice for me than therapy. Can you talk about how you thought about the difference between meditation and maybe another option? Sarah: With group, I think it was good. I was just drowning, I had no idea what I was doing, so I needed tools to figure out how to survive, how to do life, and how to move forward. Now that I’ve had some time, it’s been five years since my divorce and I have a lot more safety now, thanks to you. I mean, I still feel like I have a little bit of a wounded heart. It was a lot of pain and it’s a lot to go through and when you’re in the thick of it, my husbands betrayal was holding me back. For me personally, I was just ignoring the pain because I just have to survive. Now that I’m safe, I can address the pain and everything like that, but it’s a lot to go through. Before I found BTR, I was doing other therapy and groups that weren’t as helpful. Stopping My Ex-Husband From Holding Me Back Once I found BTR, it streamlined my healing and it went a lot faster with the meditations. I saw it and I was like, oh, I got to do this, I got to try it. Once I did the first one and I was just bawling because I just felt so seen by my maker as a whole person. I just felt like I’m valuable. Even after all this bad stuff has happened, I’m worth it. It’s been really healing. You can wade through the family dysfunction and generational dysfunction and identify for me personally, what I want to do for the future. I want to help my children and to help stop carrying on all of this weight and heaviness and pain. Anne: You’ve listened to my podcast for years and you’re very familiar with my voice. Sarah: Yes. Anne: I’m just thinking I’ve never asked this question before. After listening to my podcast for so long and hearing my voice so much, was it a natural extension to have me also be doing the meditation or was that weird? Sarah: No,

When trust has been broken, or when conflict keeps repeating in a relationship, many women begin searching for answers about boundaries in marriage. They’re not looking to control anyone or to escalate the situation. Most are simply trying to create safety. Sometimes the question sounds like: How do I set boundaries in marriage when my husband is unfaithful? How do I set boundaries with my ex while we’re co-parenting? Is it even possible to set boundaries when my husband emotionally abuses me? When everything feels confusing, chaotic, or intimidating, it can be difficult to know where to begin. Anne shares one of the effective emotional safety strategies in her Clarity After Betrayal Workshop. “Ask yourself, ‘What is making me feel unsafe? What action can I take right now – today – to put proximity between myself and the harm?” Anne Blythe, Founder Of BTR.ORG SO, How Do I Set Boundaries In Marriage When Every Time I Try Things Just Get Worse?! Many of the women in the BTR community tried for years to set boundaries, only to experience further harm and discouragement. Often, well-meaning professionals teach boundaries in marriage as: If/Then Statements Ultimatums Statements of desires or values Unfortunately, these forms of communication don’t protect victims of emotional and psychological abuse. Instead, they often expose victims to further gaslighting, manipulation, and humiliation. 3 Steps to Establishing Effective Boundaries In Marriage You’ll know that your boundaries in marriage are effective when you’re experiencing greater emotional and psychological safety. So how do you set boundaries in an emotionally abusive relationship? Identify The Cause Of The Harm The first step in establishing effective safety boundaries in marriage is identifying the actual source of harm. Ask yourself: Do I feel emotionally safe in my home? What specifically makes me feel unsafe? When do I feel the least emotionally safe? When do I feel the most emotionally safe? If you want to go deeper, take my free emotional abuse test. You can’t create safety until you understand what is causing the harm. Step 2: Separate Yourself From the Harm After identifying the cause, ask yourself: What action can I take today to separate myself as much as possible from the harm? This is where true boundaries in marriage differ from what many therapists teach. Safety boundaries are not statements. They are actions. For some women, that action might look like: Closing a door Putting in headphones Blocking a phone number Limiting communication to email For others, it may mean: Physical separation Filing for divorce Reporting a crime Creating distance to observe safely The key question is not: Did I say the right words? The key question is:Has this boundary actually separated me from the harm? Step 3: Measure Whether the Boundaries In Marriage Are Working Effective boundaries in marriage are measurable. Are you experiencing: Less anxiety? Less chaos? More mental clarity? Physical calm? Emotional stability? If the answer is yes, your boundary is working. If the harm continues uninterrupted, it may not be a boundary — it may simply be a statement or a threat. Boundaries are not about controlling someone else’s behavior. They are about creating a protective barrier that actually protects you. Ask Yourself This Question: After you’ve identified the cause of the harm, ask yourself: What action can I take today to separate myself as much as possible from the harm? As Anne shares in this episode, for some women, this means simply closing a door, blocking a phone number, or putting in headphones. For others, it may mean separation, divorce, or reporting a crime. Transcript: How Do I Set Boundaries In Marriage? What You Need To Know Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about boundaries, because so many women are confused about how to set boundaries to be emotionally and psychologically safe. The reason so many women are confused about boundaries is because therapists and other “experts” teach women to set boundaries in a way that does not make sense. They basically say a boundary is stating what you will and won’t accept. And then they’ll victim blame you, and say, “If you haven’t told someone what you will and won’t accept, then it’s your fault.” Even though you already did tell him. So then, because the therapist tells you to, you say the thing you’ve already said. “I will not accept pornography in my home,” or “I will not be lied to,” or “I will not accept your continual emotional abuse.” And the therapist pats you on the back and says, “Good job.” You set a “boundary.” Because the therapist thinks, apparently once you say that, it’s supposed to solve some problems. Then, just to ensure it solves the problems, the therapist will encourage you to add a threat t

Fighting a narcissist for custody is usually a complex, painful, and grueling process that can take years. Tina Swithin joins Anne to educate and empower victims as they fight for their children in and out of court. If you need support, learn about our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. #Intimidation And More Abuse In A Custody Battle With A Narcissist A Custody Battle With A Narcissist When victims of narcissistic abuse start a custody battle, the narcissist might . . . Turn family and friends against you, saying you’re crazy, abusive, a bad mom, etc. Shame you for putting the children through a divorce Threaten to take the children Cut off financial support Put cameras in your home, car, etc Expecting more emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse is a must for every woman in a custody battle with a narcissist. BTR has Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches, who can help you through the process. Attend a BTR Group Session TODAY. #2 Lies, Lies & More Lies In A Custody Battle With A Narcissist Divorcing a narcissist means dealing with lies and manipulation. It can be frustrating to hear the falsehoods and out of the courtroom. Narcissists lie to judges, attorneys, police officers, colleagues. They’ll even lie to your boss, family, friends, and children. Understanding why they do this is crucial. The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop explains their behavior and offers strategies to protect yourself during a custody battle. It’s especially hard when a narcissistic abuser lies to the court. Women often find themselves defending against things they haven’t done. The Narcissist Most courts don’t take narcissistic abuse seriously. Many women are treated as if they are crazy, lying, or exaggerating. Knowing this can help women plan ahead. Victims can: Hire a lawyer who understands abuse and trauma Talk to a divorce expert, like a BTR Coach, for advice on how to act in court Take The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop At BTR, we understand the fear that comes with a custody battle against a narcissist. The fear of losing your children can get intense. Every victim deserves a safe place to ask questions, and connect with others who understand. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone. We’d love to see you in a Group Session TODAY. FIGHTING A NARCISSIST FOR CUSTODY Transcript: Fighting A Narcissist For Custody Anne: Tina Swithin is joining me on today’s episode.I’m so honored that she’s willing to share her story with us. Tina survived, a category five divorce hurricane, while acting as her own attorney in a high conflict custody battle that turned her family’s life upside down for 10 years. She took shelter from the storm by chronicling her journey in her now internationally recognized blog, One Mom’s Battle, with all odds against her. Tina’s battle ended on August 30th, 2019. When she successfully terminated her ex-husband’s parental rights. She continues to champion children’s rights through her family court advocacy. Welcome, Tina. Tina: Thank you so much for having me. I’m absolutely honored to be here. Dealing With Hidden Abuse Anne: Tina. You are impressive. Your story and resources inspired me to believe that I could also be delivered. From the post-separation and financial abuse in divorce that my children and I went through. And we did. And I now teach women’s strategies. I used to get free in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. My listeners are all women experiencing hidden abuse in one form or another. So women who listen to this podcast are generally at the beginning of their journey in recognizing the abuse. For example, they may have found exploitative material on a computer, or suspect their husband is having an affair. Women who listen to this podcast in general have found something about their husband and are trying to grapple with, what do I do now? Although many women who use services at Betrayal Trauma Recovery are already divorced. But talking about women who are not thinking of divorce may be thinking, “Let’s try couple’s therapy, or maybe if I could get him a diagnosis, that would help.” I’d love your perspective on what they need to prepare for, just in case, even if they’re not sure if they want to get divorced. Sort of like having a savings account, you know, you never want to lose your job, but you have a savings account just in case you do. Can we start there? Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse Anne: What do you wish you had known years before you even recognized your husband was a narcissist? Tina: Absolutely. I relate so much to the foundation of your program. In my situation, it was a infidelity of sorts. When I had my awakening, that something was really off. I found out that we had debt over a million dollars, and he did that behind my back. Still, to this day, with all the information I have. I can’t

Coercive control is a sustained pattern of controlling a domestic partner. However, coercive control inherently means that it’s not a partnership at all. Here’s why. Coercive Control Definition Coercive control is a sustained pattern of control in marriage through deception. It’s a system of deception and manipulation meant to give one partner power while maintaining the appearance of normalcy, even goodness. The key word is pattern. Often, the spouse being controlled doesn’t recognize it. From the outside, all she sees is a husband who seems kind, composed, spiritual, or self-aware. And coercive control can continue both during marriage and after separation or divorce. If your husband starts to exhibit behaviors he never exhibited before marriage, it’s likely that the man you fell in love with was a mask he wore to coerce you to marry him. This means you may have been experiencing emotional and psychological abuse the entire time. Learning the 19 different types of emotional abuse is essential. Our free emotional abuse quiz will help you see if what you’re experiencing is harmful to you. Why Coercive Control Is So Hard to Identify When your marriage isn’t functioning as a partnership, it can be incredibly difficult to name why. That’s because coercive control isn’t just manipulation, it’s an entire hidden structure. Many men who use coercive control work very hard to conceal it. They may appear: Calm Rational Faithful Engaged in therapy “Trying” Accountable Meanwhile, their wives often feel: Confused Anxious Emotionally exhausted Responsible for everything wrong Like they’re “too sensitive” I’ve interviewed over 200 women who have experienced coercive control in marriage. Many are highly educated. Some work in mental health, law, social work, or education. They understand trauma and communication systems. And almost all of them say: “I don’t know how I missed it.” Here’s the truth: If it’s happening to you, you didn’t miss it. It was purposefully hidden from you. The fundamental tactic of coercive control is deception. Transcript: Coercive Control in Marriage Anne: Controlling and coercive men maintain power over their wives through deception. Wendy, a member of our community, is here to share her story. Welcome Wendy. Why don’t you start wherever you feel comfortable? Wendy: I was married for about 15 and a half years, and found out a couple years in that he was viewing exploitative content. I was crushed. I remember the first time I found out I went downstairs, and I curled up in a ball on the living room floor. And just crying, and it’s like the only time I remember being that devastated. My husband wouldn’t stop lying to me. He disclosed every so often that he viewed this. And of course, it seemed like it was just that one time. I’m a heavy sleeper, and I distinctly remember waking up a few times, feeling like I had had intercourse, but I didn’t remember. I remember feeling worthless, and I felt like everything in our relationship that was wrong was my fault. Because I didn’t enjoy it with my husband. And that’s when I discovered this whole new world. And I found out way more than I guess I ever wanted to know. The Miserable Experience Caused By Coercive Control you Can’t See Anne: I totally understand. At 30 I was a virgin and so excited. I’m not a prude by any stretch. We married, and after two days of, I was like, this is miserable. I felt like an object. The whole experience, everything around it was awful too. I just felt used and worthless. And then afterward I’d say something like, what are you thinking about? Hoping that he would connect with me in some way. And talk about me or us or something. But pretty much every time he’d say something like bike parts, and he’d be like staring into space. It felt completely disconnected. and. After a while, I was like, this isn’t fun for me at all. And this has nothing to do with me. It’s all about him. From then on, I didn’t want to, but I continued to initiate because I thought I had to. I thought it was my job. I thought it’s like a chore that I check off the list. And I did not realize that that was coercion. Wendy: Right, I enjoyed it when we first married. But then I suffered from what I thought was postpartum depression. Searching For Answers After Marriage Feels Off Wendy: I couldn’t even sleep in our bed. I slept on the couch. So I went to counseling and was better for a while. But I always felt like everything was my fault, and any issues were my fault. And there were people around me saying the same thing. Someone even told me that I should have it with my husband anytime he wanted. And that made me feel terrible. And I didn’t tell my husband about that. I kept that to myself. I just felt so worthless. For a while, I was like, Oh, well, my husband never abused me. I really thought that and then. In the s

12 step for wives of addicts is commonly suggested to women who experience intimate betrayal. Michelle and Kate, members of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, join Anne to talk about how 12 Step can harm victims. If you need support after you discover your husband’s betrayal, check out our daily online Group Sessions. 12 Step Utilizes The Codependency Model (Hint – The Codependency Model Is Bad) When women experience betrayal and abuse, they may feel eager to gain some control over their lives that feel out of control. 12 step support groups for wives of addicts often subtly blames victims for her husband’s choices and often suggests that women mind their own business. Codependency and trauma are completely different. Trauma is external—someone does it TO you. Codependency means the problem is your fault. Transcript: 12 Step For Wives Of Addicts? What You Need To Know Anne: I’m excited to have Michelle and Kate on the podcast today. They’re fellow Shero friends. We’re going to talk about all, mine included, of our journeys from finding out about our spouse’s addiction, and seeking help first through “codependent” means. Being on that train for a while, and then coming to grips with the fact that it’s abuse. Then how we progress to where we are today. We’re all learning as we go. So if you’ve listened to the podcast, you may say, oh, she thought this two years ago, now she thinks something different. And that’s how we all progress. So let’s start with Michelle. Thinking That 12 Step For Wives Of Addicts Would Help Me Anne: Let’s talk about your journey of discovering healing. What has it been like? Michelle: It seems like it’s been a forever road. First, there was a friend of mine who told me about this wonderful world of SAL. Anne: Most listeners won’t know what SAL is. So let me jump in here for a second. This is 12 step for wives of addicts. SAL or S-Anon or Co-SA, there are a bunch of different 12-step programs for wives of addicts. Where wives do the 12-steps themselves. In 12 step for wives of addicts, wives fix their own “side of the street.” https://youtube.com/shorts/mHgIHT2Dtrw And that you need to work your own program. Basically mind your own business, make yourself better. And let him do his thing. Michelle: And this was right when I found out about my husband’s addiction. And so I thought, okay, this is what everyone else is doing, so I guess this is what I need to do too. I attended three to four meetings a week, every week, for six months. And while doing this, I was reading and learning as much as I could learn about addiction and trauma. Why The 12 Step Group For My Husband’s Addiction Didn’t Sit Right WIth Me Michelle: So my first real memory of SAL was step one of 12 step for wives of addicts. My life has become unmanageable, and I’m like, wait, my life was manageable a month ago. It’s not manageable now because of my husband’s choices, but I could do everything before, and now my life is unmanageable, but it’s not because I can’t manage my life. It’s because my life has been turned upside down, and I was like, “Wait, that doesn’t feel right. I don’t like that, but I love the women here. And I love the stories they share. I love how vulnerable they are. I love how open they are. And maybe there’s something I can learn.” So I attended these 12-step meetings and never did a step. Never did them. I read them while we were there, but that’s it. And it was mainly for that connection. And then I started to notice things. I started to find women who were similar to me. We were kind of out of the box thinkers. And then I realized that the more I told my story, and the more I heard other women’s stories, that’s what I actually needed to heal. It’s been a big discovery process. I liked it for some aspects, because it seemed like I had some control in the situation, when I didn’t. I just have control over me. Anne: Yeah, it’s funny when you learn something new, like now viewing women who are in relationships with users as abuse victims. Shifting Away From Misogynistic “Healing” Models Anne: Once I made that shift in my head, it was like, I’d always known it. And then I reframed everything in my past according to that paradigm, everything fit well. And now when I hear women who have a hard time wrapping their head around it. Or they feel more comfortable or more like they have some control because they’re sitting in the codependent model. And if they have something to do with it, they can control it, right? So they feel a little more comfortable there at first. Now I think, how can they think that sometimes? And then I think, wait a minute, I thought that. And so it gives me some compassion to think back on my own process. Kate, can you tell

In the early days of her marriage, Lynea attributed problems with her husband to normal relationship challenges or her husband’s culture. Lynea finally realized she needed help to recover from betrayal trauma. The first step to recover from betrayal trauma is to see if you’re actually experiencing emotional abuse. See if these examples of emotional abuse apply to you. Recovery from betrayal trauma is possible. If you need support, we’d love to see you in a BTR.ORG Group Session TODAY. Transcript: How To Recover From Betrayal Trauma Anne: Welcome Lynea. Let’s start at the beginning of your story. How would you define your husband’s behavior at first? Did you give any reasons for his behavior? Lynea: We met at university and we we’re both quite young. It was my first real relationship after high school. I just was excited about going to university, we met through a mutual friend and at first I didn’t really see any behavior that was really off. I didn’t really recognize anything that was different. He was very kind. He acted very thoughtful, made it a point to keep in communication with me regularly, so I didn’t really see anything that was off. I was young too. I was 18 or 19 years old. So Anne: Even if you could go back in time, you might see something, it’s not anything that you could remember from your perspective now? What’s Causing The Betrayal Trauma? Lynea: As the relationship went on, I just wasn’t happy. No matter what I had told him, I felt like even though his behavior might change for some time, and sometimes for long periods of time. It didn’t really matter. I would tell him something, Hey, this is how you’re hurting me. This isn’t how I’d like you showing up. He would still continue to do the behavior. Anne: You didn’t recognize it right when you were dating, but when you did start seeing it, what things were you like, Hey, that’s not okay with me. What reasons did you give for those behaviors before you knew more? Lynea: Just talking about normal things of running a household, keeping things tidy. It always ended up in an argument. I felt that a lot of the load would always be on me to make things happen with groceries, cooking, finances, you name it. I was always the one to do those types of things and no matter how many conversations I had with him. It seemed like it would always go back to that same thing where he would just forget about the conversation that we had and continue doing his old behavior. Anne: I want to say “forget about the conversation.” Right. They conveniently forget about it when it suits their purposes. It was mainly about domestic labor then? Financial Betrayal Causes Trauma Lynea: Then going out to spending money. He liked to go out and party with his friends and that type of thing. I just was trying to be more conservative when it came to finances. That would always cause an argument too, Anne: A lot of arguing that you couldn’t quite get a handle on it sounds like. Lynea: Yeah, it just left me very confused. I just didn’t understand the dynamics of their relationship and I thought for the longest time that was me. Quite honestly, I thought I was the problem. Anne: So at this time, are you kind of chalking it up to maybe miscommunication? What are you thinking is the Cause Lynea: He is from another country and I thought that originally maybe it was just very hard for him to assimilate into rural Midwest small university. I thought he was having difficulties with that. He didn’t seem like he was very happy most of the time and I felt like a lot of the times it was maybe me. Anne: When you say I thought it was maybe me, was it because he was telling you it was you? A lot of the times we’d have the conversations in order to try to solve something and then he would start telling me that I just complained too much. When He Blames You For Problems Lynea: I’m not happy. It escalated over the years too. He called me names and I wondered am I the crazy one? Anne: Did you recognize at the time the pattern of his exploitation that the reason he was doing this was so that you would do most of the domestic labor? Lynea: I had no clue. After 24 years together I had no idea. Anne: Me saying that right now. Are you like, oh, or did you recognize that at some point? Lynea: I recognized at some point that he just didn’t want to take accountability or responsibility for things. If he did, it was when it was convenient or when things got so bad where he could recognize that I’ve hit my limit, then he would change for a while and there would be better behavior for sometimes several months. https://youtube.com/shorts/qCPG-fISzBg Anne: He was capable of doing it, he just didn’t want to. I think that’s really interesting to bring up because they are capable of doing it. I think they’re just not genuinely that type of a person

If your daughter confided in you that her husband uses emotional or psychological abuse, here are 3 ways to help your abused daughter. If you or anyone you know needs support, our daily online support group helps women experiencing emotional and psychological abuse. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. 1. Help Your Abused Daughter Recognize Emotional & Psychological Abuse Introduce her to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, as well as the Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube Channels that Betrayal Trauma Recovery has in order to educate women about abuse. 2. Help Your Abused Daughter By Giving Her 100% Unquestioning Support Abandon the “it takes two to tango” mentality, and invest your time and energy into supporting your daughter. This means that you are NOT: Bailing him out of jail if he’s arrested. Meeting the abuser one-on-one for heart-to-heart talks about how he can change or win your daughter back. Trying to convince your daughter to consider salvaging the marriage. Fraternizing with the abuser’s family and friends – Your energy is best spent on your daughter (and her children). When your daughter has experienced psychological and emotional abuse, financial control, sexual coercion and betrayal, she is experiencing significant trauma. As you become more trauma-informed and educated about abuse, you’ll naturally empathize with her, be more sensitive to her trauma, and help your abused daughter. If you want her to feel safe with you, learn what you need to learn from The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 3. Know That She Is Capable & Strong, She Just Needs Help Until She Heals Your daughter may feel like her entire world is crumbling around her. The last thing that she needs right now is to feel like she has to earn your love, respect, and support. You need to help your abused daughter Offer her: A place to live Financial resources so that she can afford a good attorney Your unequivocal support A listening ear should she ever need to vent or confide in someone Your absolute belief in her story, without any need for proof Be willing to make a safety plan if the abuser tries to harm her or the children Your willingness to testify on her behalf Your support can be the difference between your daughter feeling completely alone in a terrifying world – and feeling loved, safe, and resilient. Be the parent your daughter deserves. Help your abused daughter. Transcription: How To Help Your Abused Daughter – 3 Things To Know Anne: I have a special guest today. It’s my dad. A man named Jim reached out and asked if he could talk to my dad. So I thought, hey, let’s just do a podcast. Jim is the dad of a victim. Rosie has three young children. And she and her three young children live with Jim and his wife right now, as she heals from the emotional and psychological injuries she received from the years of her husband’s emotional and psychological abuse. Welcome Jim and Dad. The Turning Point, Trying To Figure Out What Is Happening Anne: So Jim, do you want to just start with what’s going on with your daughter? Jim: Sure. She had married about 10 years ago, and has three children. The youngest one is a year and a half. So about the time she had the baby, she came to me with a little experience when the baby was about a week old. She asked for some newborn photos or something, and her husband basically just came unglued on her to the point that she was shaking. It was the turning point for her. She came to me and told me and my wife about that. I think it was a turning point for us to basically tell her, “You do what you need to do, we’ve got your back.” Anne: Did you understand that as abuse at the time, how to help your abused daughter? Or did you just think he was being a jerk? What did you think? 1. Help Your Daughter Recognize Emotional & Psychological Abuse Jim: You know, I’m not sure when the words came, because certain things happened that helped give us vocabulary. The term that came to my daughter first was verbal abuse. She looked it up and started saying, “Well, I’m getting a lot of that.” She was concerned about their marriage for at least a year before that. In hindsight, even much before that, but particularly enough that she wanted to do something, and she started asking him about it. And toward the time of the baby, did some marriage counseling, which worsened things. And he suggested she was suffering from postpartum depression at some point. So this would have been after that experience I described. She went to a counselor who was recommended. And the counselor specialized in postpartum depression. And in the first session, she said, “You have no postpartum depression. I think you’re emotionally and psychologically abused.” And that helped confirm, and I can’t remember the order of things. Obviously, she told us her experien

Learning how to establish healthy boundaries with your abusive ex-husband is essential for your emotional safety. Celeste, a member of The BTR.ORG Community, shares strategies in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop to establish emotional safety and find peace in a difficult situation. The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop helps victims navigate boundary-setting in divorce or married scenarios. This video simply and clearly breaks down what effective boundaries are, and how women can begin to establish them. Post-separation abuse is a sad reality for many victims of betrayal and emotional abuse. Even though they have separated themselves from the abuser, the abuser may still try to exert power and control. Often, abusers will use communication, coparenting, and finances to create chaos and distress in victims’ lives. It is essential that victims establish healthy boundaries with their abusive ex. Transcript: How To Establish Healthy Boundaries With Your Abusive Ex Anne: A member of our community, we’re going to call her Celeste is on today’s episode. She’s divorced and has been working toward setting healthy boundaries with her abusive ex husband. She was concerned about working through some financial problems that her ex was causing. She implemented some Living Free strategies found in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. Thanks for coming on today. Anne: Do you feel like you could use the strategies in Living Free to resolve these financial issues? Celeste: Yes, I was. It was difficult, but resolved. Retirement funds were transferred and bank accounts were closed. I’m financially disconnected from my ex. Anne: So talk about how things have gone since you implemented these Living Free strategies and healthy boundaries. Celeste: I gained some resiliency in dealing with him and in the minimum response possible. And I find that instead of reacting, this magic solution has happened. I don’t know how to articulate it, but it has been a peaceful time in my heart and soul in dealing with him. And I am grateful for it. https://youtu.be/9aa5bgEY3bY Anne: So talk about before you found the Living Free strategies. What was going on? Celeste: Well, I thought this just doesn’t work for me, I need to do something. I felt very guilty, that I wanted some sort of barrier between communication. As I went back and forth and researched, they didn’t fit my situation. And so I kept looking for something. It didn’t come about. Transformative Impact Of Living Free & Healthy Boundaries Anne: And then what about after knowing about The Living Free Strategies? Celeste: My internal dialogue is different. My internal thought processes about my ex’s behavior, whether present behavior or past behavior, and it creates a space where I can feel safer, settled, and resilient. I realized I had so much pain, so much betrayal, and trauma in my body that I wasn’t able to heal physically. Emotional abuse affects your body dramatically. I had to make a boundary for my own physical health and safety. It became easier for my body to process the betrayal, the trauma, and get rid of pain. And I’ve become healthier and happier, connecting and checking in with my body. Women dealing with a narcissistic husband or addict are very sacrificial. They deny their own needs so much that it became second nature to give up physical boundaries as well as emotional boundaries. And that’s what I have been doing for 35 years. So I’ve been disconnected with my own self, just knowing myself, knowing my own healthy boundaries for myself, as well as with relationships. So getting in touch with my own body has been revolutionary in my healing process. Reclaiming Personal Healthy Boundaries Anne: Do you feel now, like you’re more on your way to getting your needs met? One of your key needs is safety. Do you feel like you’re farther down that path? Celeste: Yes, I feel like I have grown tremendously. In safety and in being more in touch with my needs. When my husband and I were in the initial process of the divorce, he came to me several times and said, “I have this list of needs that I want you to consider, if we can consider a reconciliation.” And the healthier I got, I was able to say to him, Well, you know, I’m learning that my needs are important. I’m learning that I’m the best suited person, most qualified person to meet my own needs. That, whether it’s asking for someone to help me meet a need or just being in charge of it myself. He would get angry when I would say that, because he had this list of demands that he wanted me to automatically meet. Embrace and agree to so that we could stay married even after infidelity That was a good sign to me that I was doing the right thing, because I knew he was going to continue to assume that I was supposed to meet his needs, and I knew that I needed to meet my own needs. And be in char

When you discover your husband has betrayed you with secret use of inappropriate online material or infidelity, it’s important to seek the best betrayal trauma resources. If you’re experiencing betrayal trauma, we’d love to see you in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Betrayal Trauma Resources You Can Count On Anne: We have a special episode today. Several women will share the betrayal trauma resources that help them the most. Check out our Group Session Schedule. All right, ladies, take it away. https://youtu.be/VKuJBWVRQp0 Victim #1: Finally Finding The Correct Betrayal Trauma Resource! Betrayal Trauma Victim #1: For years, like we’d have fights and I would go to the internet to find out how I could be better so we could stop having fights. And article after article was never right. I just knew. And finally one day I stumbled upon the BTR podcast. I’m thankful for the transcript. I like to read them, And I finally, knew that what I was reading was right and when I had a name for what was going on in my marriage, I could finally start to work to fix it and fixing it has not meant what I thought it would. BTR has saved my life. The Impact Of Group Sessions Betrayal Trauma Victim #2: I had been in therapy for years, and at least a year with Chuck and there were no breakthroughs or anything. It was the same cycle over and over and over again with no real solution. When I found BTR, I honestly was trying to find reasons in my head why the group wouldn’t be good for me because I knew it was going to change everything . And it did, having BTR group during that time got me through and you know, I wouldn’t be growing the way that I am without BTR. Betrayal Trauma Victim #3: I have been going through, not a good place for about three years. And this is the first time that I have had other people share their stories where I felt so validated. I could totally relate. This isn’t just me. I’m not going crazy. I can stand my ground and create boundaries to keep myself safe, to keep my kids safe and have multiple daily options to check in, check out, share, not share, listen, the isolation that I felt before is starting to dissipate. The Value Of Support & Growth With Betrayal Trauma Coaching Betrayal Trauma Victim #4: I arrived at BTR in full blown trauma, never having known what he was doing for years and prior to we were married. And thank God that this is the place that I found. Because there was love and nurturing and education and coaches to walk with me and support me. And I will forever be grateful. Betrayal Trauma Victim #5: I have been in therapy for 12 years, and only now have I felt I have the expert care and clarity I have been searching for for 12 years. You and this whole group, proactive, where before it was just wishy washy, psychobabbly hit or miss type of therapy. Like, this group is exactly what women need. And I cannot thank you enough. Betrayal Trauma Victim #6: I didn’t ever think I would be in the position I’m in. I was with my ex fiancé for 20 years. And I had no idea that he was living a double life. I found BTR and scheduled an Individual Session with a BTR Coach, and I haven’t looked back. I have learned so much. Every day I hop on group. I see women that I am inspired by. Women who are ahead of me in the journey, and women who are following me on the journey, and we’re all on different journeys, but somehow the connection that we have and love that we share is real. So thank you so much. I don’t know what I would have done without BTR for the last 12 months. When It Comes To Betrayal Trauma Resources The BTR Coaches Are Wonderful Betrayal Trauma Victim #7: There’s just no support for women, other than the groups available in the addiction realm. My therapist of many years never mentioned the word abuse. I was terrified. The post separation abuse was just heinous. As I got into BTR, I learned so much from the coaches. And since then, with the help of BTR, I am safe in my new place. I’m now starting to process it even more Due to all the coaches love and support, they have allowed me to have such great strength, realizing I am worth it. I am enough. BTR is a lifesaver, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You helped save my life, and I am now free and safe. Betrayal Trauma Victim #8: I’ve been through this for over 30 years. And I’ve been in BTR for five months. My life has changed more in the last five months than all those years I went through. And I appreciate the individual sessions, group sessions, and all the coaches. Everyone has something different. And all the shares help you understand other ways to do self care and stay safe. I really appreciate BTR. I can’t say enough about it. It’s changed my life. Betrayal Trauma Resources That Work For YOU Betrayal Trauma Victim #9: I really didn’t know what to think about my situation

Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks to Sadie, who with other human trafficking survivor speakers, shares her story. One of the offensive and dangerous societally accepted beliefs is that trafficked workers have chosen and want to be exploited. In fact, the average age of a trafficking victim is only thirteen years old. In fact, many married women are trafficked by their husband’s without even knowing about it. If you listen and relate, we welcome you to a group for women who have experience sexual coercion in marriage. Attend one of our daily Group Sessions TODAY. Handlers exploit, abuse, and often torture victims into compliance. Emotional and psychological abuse are integral components of trafficking, often serving as the invisible precursors to it. It is essential to educate every woman about these forms of abuse, which almost always precede trafficking. To find out if you’ve experienced any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse from your boyfriend or husband, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Handlers abuse women, whether on a film set or in the bedroom of a predator. Men literally pay for abusing women when they view exploitative material. A predator is anyone who financially supports this exploitative industry. Some abusers justify exploiting women by claiming they aren’t hurting anyone. Every time a man views exploitative material, he is a predator. Predators Find Gratification In the Abuse Of Women As Sadie explains, predators cause devastating harm to victims. Some states and countries legalize exploitation. They pave the way for more women and children’s abuse. One of the most disturbing components of this exploitative industry is that men find gratification in the abuse of women. Users rationalize its use when they believe trafficking workers actually enjoy being exploited. But Sadie explains that this is an illusion. Whether they made money or not, their intent was to receive something in exchange for exploiting you and that makes it trafficking. It’s important for women to understand that men are completely accountable for their behaviors. At BTR, we understand the sad truth that an alarming number of women are victims of coercion, assault, and even human trafficking, and betrayal trauma from infidelity -and may not know it. Transcript: Human Trafficking Survivor Speakers Share The Truth Anne: On today’s episode, a trafficking survivor is going to share her story. We’ll call her Sadie. Welcome. Sadie: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I’ve greatly benefited from your podcast, your website, and other victims of betrayal trauma. And I’m grateful to share my story and hopefully help some people. Anne: You found this podcast because you’re also a betrayal trauma victim. Additionally, someone trafficked you for a year in your youth. I want our listeners to know that you understand this issue on so many levels. And before we started recording, you talked about how words can make trafficking seem different than it is. Sadie: People throw out the word pimp a lot of the time. And that’s kind of a cartoonish name for what is a slave master, a trafficker, a person who owns other people. https://youtube.com/shorts/mHgIHT2Dtrw You’ll hear a buyer called a John, sometimes as a trick, and that makes it seem like they were tricked. They’re just the average John, the average guy, when really this is a person who is purchasing another human being. They were purchasing possibly children. So we refer to them as predators to recognize that that’s what’s happening. Also, a lot of the times you’ll hear prostitute and a prostitute is usually a human trafficking victim or slave. Anne: I think this is really important to talk about, because we do not want to villainize other victims. As victims ourselves, compassion for other victims, rather than blaming them or giving them responsibility for our husband’s abuse, is not helpful to anybody. I wanted to have this conversation, and that’s one of the reasons. The Tragic Lie That Human Trafficking Survivors Speak About Anne: Let’s start with just basic definitions. What is trafficking? Sadie: Trafficking is the recruitment, transportation, transfer, harboring, or receipt of a person under threat, force, coercion, fraud, deception, and or abuse or power, and exploited for the financial gain of another. This is one of the many types of exploitation. Society normalizes trafficking. So much so that when I say prostitute, the picture that comes to mind is an adult on the side of the road, luring innocent men. A trafficking victim, on the other hand, is usually imagined as a foreigner. Maybe they’re chained to a bed, possibly injected with drugs. Illusion is the key ingredient in the exploitative industry. It’s a lie that victims depicted are somehow aroused and choosing this. The truth is that the average age of a

If you’ve wondered, “Is my husband grooming me?” Raven talks about how her emotionally abusive husband groomed her from the beginning of their relationship. One way to know if he’s grooming you is to see if he’s using any one of the 19 emotional abuse tactics. To find out, take our free emotional abuse quiz. What Is Grooming? No matter what kind of abuse, or who the abuser is, grooming occurs when an abuser creates a false sense of safety for his victim. “Anything that someone does to make it look like he’s a knight in shining armor.” Raven, Member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Community At the start of a relationship, an abuser might act very kind and caring to make a woman believe he is a safe and trustworthy partner. He might seem honest, loyal, and emotionally strong. But later, he may start cheating, lying, and making her question her own feelings or memories. This shows that the way he acted in the beginning was just a trick to control and manipulate her. If you relate, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session to find support. Transcript: Is My Husband Grooming Me? Anne: A member of our community, we’re going to call her Raven, is on today’s episode. I sent a request on social media to have a member of our community. Come on the podcast to talk about grooming, and Raven was like, “Pick me, I want to talk about grooming.” On our social media channels, you can interact with women who comment back and forth about what they think of these episodes. You can be anonymous on social media, depending on what your profile says. If you’re not anonymous on social media and want to be anonymous, you can go to our website and search for this episode in the search bar. So for example, the title of this one is, “Is my husband grooming me?” So you can put that in the search bar on our website. This podcast episode will come up, and then on this particular episode, you can comment and interact anonymously with other women on our website. Understanding Grooming Anne: So you volunteered to talk about grooming. Thank you, what motivated you to respond to my request? Raven: Thanks for having me. When I first saw the post, I actually didn’t know what it was. So I looked it up and I was like, Oh, and I think maybe some other women haven’t heard that term yet. And it’s something I would like to explore more. Anne: So, obviously, we’re not talking about grooming in terms of brushing our teeth or combing our hair. But we’re talking about the kind of grooming that an abusive man does to give the impression he’s a really good guy. This is when he manipulates someone with a goal in mind. In this way, an abusive man uses words and actions calculated to create a feeling of safety, so he can trap his victim. We’ll chat about grooming, and if she had any questions, I would answer them. I didn’t ask her to, but she did some research about grooming in preparation for our chat. So can you talk about some of the things you learned? Raven: Basically, it’s anything someone does to seem like they’re the knight in shining armor. Doing good things to seem good and hide the bad. I’m confused about the difference between gaslighting and grooming, because they both make you seem like the crazy person or the bad person. Anne: Narcissists groom victims intending to set the baseline “reality” of his character. Grooming is about Setting A Baseline Perception Anne: He wants to manufacture a persona that you judge everything by from then on. So if your baseline perception of someone, anyone, is that they’re an honest, kind, compassionate person. Then you filter their actions through that lens. So if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s honest, kind, and compassionate, then you’re going to filter everything that he does through that perception. Because if your baseline perception of your husband is that he’s a wonderful, loving person. If something weird happens, you’re going to interpret that as an “off day” or maybe going through something hard. It’s going to feel outside the norm. Then you’ll try to explain it according to the perception you have. So since he is such a good person, maybe he needs help. Maybe there’s something wrong. Contrast that with thinking about how you would interpret someone’s actions, if your baseline perception were that they are a compulsive liar. If you have the perception that someone’s a compulsive liar, you’re going to be guarded and on the lookout, you’re not going to be vulnerable with them. This is why lying is emotionally abusive. So abusive men have this awareness that they need to set this baseline perception, and that you’re going to filter everything through that. So the intent of grooming is to ensure that your baseline per

When Anne Blythe, M.Ed. first started podcasting years ago, she searched, “how to set boundaries with my husband?”. In this episode Anne analyzes one of her old podcast episodes. To point out to her years ago self, all the victim blaming she experienced. If you need support, see our Betrayal Trauma Group Session Schedule. In this early podcast episode, Anne shares her very first attempts at healthy boundaries. She refers to a 12-step program, “addict behaviors”, and addiction. Now, of course, we understand that abuse is NOT addiction, addiction therapists do NOT help abuse victims find safety, and 12-step programs can be harmful to women in abusive relationships. True Boundaries Aren’t About Controlling Others’ Choices “Every time my husband was abusive towards me, I thought that my boundary was giving him a lecture. Literally like a 40 minute lecture about how terrible things were and how I was feeling and what he should do. I thought that’s what boundaries were.” Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG Transcript: How To Set Boundaries With My Husband – My Struggle Anne: It’s just me today. And I’m actually going to analyze in real time myself from years ago. You’ll hear me describe how I started my journey to set boundaries with my toxic ex. Despite my 12 step sponsor victim blaming me. Despite my 12 step group blaming me. So, if you are wondering how to set boundaries with a toxic ex, listening to this will give you some insight into my process. Of how I came to understand how to set boundaries with my ex. I did S-Anon in the beginning of podcasting. It is a 12 step group for wives or ex wives of pornography addicts. I actually did an S-Anon group specific to my faith. SALifeline is this particular S-Anon groups name. And I was doing the 12 steps myself. I was actually a 12 step sponsor. And then I also facilitated a 12 step group. You can hear that I talk about abuse, but I don’t quite understand it. This was before Betrayal Trauma Recovery existed. It was just a podcast. So way back then, I was podcasting in my basement. I hadn’t yet brought on coaches for our group sessions or individual sessions. And hadn’t created the Living Free Workshop. I was trying to figure all this out. https://youtu.be/9aa5bgEY3bY Initial Misconceptions About How To Set Boundaries With My Husband Anne: Now, since this time, I have removed most of these episodes. I started podcasting in 2016, but if you look on Apple Podcasts, it looks like I haven’t been podcasting that long. Over time, I evolved and realized parts where I got it wrong. But I saved the audio recordings. And that’s what you’re going to hear today. I actually altered my voice back then, because I was so scared. So hopefully you’ll hear the difference between me now and back then. And back then, I went by anon for anonymous instead of Anne. I actually, haven’t heard this recording in years. So, we’re going to go through this together. I’m a little nervous, but here we go. From Years-Ago-Anne: So I didn’t know anything about boundaries before starting recovery. In fact, every time my husband abused me or every time he had a slip up, I thought my boundary was giving him a lecture. Literally, like a 40 minute lecture about how terrible things were, how I was feeling, and what he should do. I thought that’s what boundaries were. Anne: So my first thought is thank goodness that I stopped disguising my voice because I sound like a chipmunk. When I’m talking about my recovery, I was recovering from his addiction. At this point, I think, I’m not sure. Let’s keep listening and see what I say. Learning True Boundaries Because Of Husband’s Arrest From Years-Ago-Anne: I have learned since then that is not what boundaries are at all. In fact, God was merciful to me, and he taught me about boundaries in an extremely traumatic way. My husband was arrested and given a court ordered, no contact order. That was my first boundary ever. God gave it. And then I had to decide what to do with that boundary, to keep it, to not keep it. And what that boundary meant. I realized that my boundary is, keeping safe. And be safe while he continues to act out in this behavior. In my husband’s case, once he was arrested, he did not show any clear signs of recovery behaviors. There were many things that he could have done. He could have texted every day, for example, and said, “What can I do today for the kids?” He did not choose to talk to my dad, apologize to my dad about some things. There were several things he could do legally. Anne: At the time, I was so sad that he was not doing any of those things. https://www.btr.org/long-term-effects-of-emotional-abuse-in-relationships/I wanted our family to be together. I was not thinking about how to stop emotional abuse from my husband. And was so depressed about it.

After the emotional abuse seems to have stopped, is your husband vulnerable, loving, and making an effort to change, or is he love bombing you? Laurel is on the podcast today, talking about 3 ways to know he’s love bombing you. If you need support check out our Betrayal Trauma Support Group Schedule. 1. Grooming With False Vulnerability & Image Management Is Love Bombing Abusive husbands weaponize false vulnerability – they’ll abuse their wives, then reel them back in by love bombing them with false vulnerability. This can look like: Confessing “sins” Admitting to affairs, pornography use, dark secrets Opening up about their traumatic past relationships or traumatic childhood Admitting insecurities Abusers use the concept of vulnerability to generate compassion from the victim to keep her in the relationship. 2. Is He Mirroring You? That’s Love Bombing Often, abusive men use “Mirroring” to love bomb victims. This can be subtle, like mirroring the victim’s: Religious beliefs Family values Academic interests Political views Or more specific, like mirroring the victim’s: Hobbies Facial expressions Favorite foods Saying his experience is the same dreams, or traumas of the victim The abuser uses mirroring as a love bombing tool to generate feelings of intimacy and image management. This form of love bombing can make the victim believe he relates to her; it can manipulate her into feeling seen and understood. 3. He Lies With Intent, That’s Love Bombing Love bombing is essentially a lie, because it’s a manipulation that he does to give you the impression that he’s the perfect guy for you. But How Do I Know It’s Love Bombing, & Not Just Life? Many victims want to give the abuser the benefit of the doubt: Maybe he’s just going through a mid-life crisis Maybe he’s just stressed out and that’s why there are these extreme ups and downs Don’t all relationships go through periods of romance and connection and then pain? Please understand that gaslighting, lying, secret pornography use, coercion, are NOT “just life”. They are NOT present in healthy marriages. If you are experiencing any of these abusive behaviors in your marriage, you are not safe. If the abuser shows vulnerability, mirroring, lies and other forms of love bombing, in addition to overtly abusive psychological, emotional, and intimate behaviors, then you can be sure that the loving, vulnerable behaviors are simply his attempt to groom you into staying. We believe you. We trust you. Listen to your intuition. Our Group Sessions can provide immediate support. We’re here for you. Transcript: 3 Ways To Know He’s Love Bombing You Anne: On today’s episode, we have a member of our community. We’re going to call her Laurel. She spent nearly two decades constantly scrambling to please and be enough for her never pleased and abusive husband. She vetted her partner for nearly a decade before marriage. And she believed he was the exact opposite because of love bombing. And as she shares her story, I’ll point out three ways to know he’s love bombing you. Her husband progressively gaslit her into believing she was the source of every difficulty in their relationship. He used that against her and weaponized that against her. So she spent basically the entire marriage in therapy, working on herself to be enough. He was unfaithful. He also abused alcohol. All of that seemed to fuel his contempt for her. A lot of us have that experience. Welcome, Laurel. Laurel: Thanks, Anne. Anne: So let’s go back to the beginning. When you’re vetting him for these years, looking for someone who’s not abusive, keeping in mind your own history of abuse from your own family. Talk about love-bombing at that time, what did that look like for you over those years? Laurel: I actually did not know I was dealing with love-bombing. We were friends for seven years before we ever started dating. He used to call me on the phone and just leave a voicemail saying, “Marry me!” And hang up and not say anything else. He always asked me to marry him, I thought he was just kidding. I thought it was a joke and I didn’t take it seriously. 1. Grooming With False Vulnerability & Image Management Is Love Bombing Laurel: We continued our friendship, mostly long distance for several years. We met in college, but then went away to our various experiences after that. He continued leaving these voicemails for me, and would continue to be what I thought was a friend at the time. When we started dating, he didn’t do those things. He seemed like he had become a mature person who was extremely patient, was very sure of himself, was deep into his relationship with God, and exploring his faith. He was kind outwardly to other people. His patience, calm and centering struck me the most. He handled adversity. And how deep

Gaslighting is a calculated maneuver that emotional and psychological abusers use to keep women stuck. How do abusers gaslight? Dr. Jessica Taylor, author of Why Women Are Blamed for Everything and Sexy But Psycho talks with Anne Blythe M.Ed, about specific details with real life stories. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is here for you. If you need support, attend one of our support group sessions TODAY. Abusers Use THESE PHRASES To Gaslight YOU Wondering if you’ve been a victim of gaslighting? Dr. Jessica Taylor and Anne share some of these common phrases and conversations that abusers may use with victims to distort their reality and cause them to wonder if they’re capable of discerning truth: “I’ve asked our family and friends to pray for you.” “You’re overly emotional.” “You’re mentally unwell.” “Have you been taking your medication?” “Have you considered going to therapy?” “No one is going to believe you.” “No one is going to support you/like you/believe you/listen to you.” “I know you care about our family, and ever since you started ______ (listening to this podcast, reading this book, talking to this friend, etc), you’ve been disconnected/too “feminist”/hurting our family, etc.” “The light in your eyes is gone – I think you’ve lost the Spirit.” Abusers Use THESE PHRASES To Gaslight Advocates Advocates include YOUR family, friends, clergy, victim advocates (such as DV workers), medical care providers, and others: “She hasn’t been taking her medication.” “Please pray for her – she needs all of our help right now.” “She’s been acting unusual lately.” “I’ve done all I can.” “I’m worried she’s losing her mind.” “I’m scared she’s going to leave the Church.” “She’s been violent with me and the children.” “I think she’s cheating on me.” “I love her so much, I wish she’d come back to us.” Transcript: How Do Abusers Gaslight Victims & Advocates? Anne: I have Dr. Jessica Taylor, the author of Why Women Are Blamed for Everything. And the newly released Sexy, but Psycho, she has a PhD in forensic psychology and is the director of Victim Focus. Welcome Dr. Taylor. Dr. Jessica Taylor: Thank you so much for having me. Anne: In America, most news will say there was a domestic disturbance. Like they were having a fight, then he killed her. Rather than saying he was abusive and killed her. And then at the bottom of that article, they’ll say, call the national domestic abuse hotline. As if calling a number, those of us who have dealt with it and are living in it. We’ve called those numbers, and it was not as helpful as people think. Yeah. But even the reporting of it, prior to linking to it at the bottom, is misogynistic. And sort of like, the alleged or she was a part of it somehow. Abusers Mutualize & Neutralize Dr. Jessica Taylor: Well, I call that mutualizing, mutualizing and neutralizing. Because it’s like, you know how you just gave the example of like, they are having a fight or it is a domestic? It reframes this whole system of power, control, and abuse from one person to the other. As this mutual, neutral almost like a relationship problem. I don’t know if you ever hear people say, “Oh it’s like six of one and half a dozen of the other.” It’s like they’re as bad as each other type narrative. And that’s absolutely not true in abuse. The point of abuse like this is that it is systematic. It’s about power and control. And about the perpetrator getting something out of controlling, destroying and breaking down that woman. It’s not mutual, but the language, like the examples you just gave, minimizes it and trivializes it, doesn’t it? Anne: I feel like now there are many, many women who understand this and can see it for what it is. But there are also so many women who still can’t. And it’s so important that women know these powerful truths about emotional abuse. And therapists, institutions, court systems, and others that cannot see it. Why do you think it took so long for some of us to recognize what was happening? Dr. Jessica Taylor: There are multiple answers to this. Systematic Grooming, Gaslighting & Abuse From Birth Dr. Jessica Taylor: I mean, the first answer for me is that we are groomed from birth. As women and girls, to tolerate, accept, minimize, normalize, and the violence, abuse, and power used against us. Abusers gaslight with an insidious, careful, global considered process. And it’s very successful, which means that lots of women and girls grow up in abusive households. Dads, granddads, uncles and brothers abuse them. My research has repeatedly shown that brothers

Every victim faces a unique moment when she has had enough, when she realizes, “It’s time to leave.” Vicki shares her powerful story of liberating herself from an abusive marriage when she reached her own moment of realization. Vicki’s story offers a beacon of hope for survivors facing similar challenges. If you need support learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions today. Whether you’ve been married for days, weeks, months, or years, we want you to be safe, as you figure out if it’s time to leave your abusive marriage. As you’ll hear in Vicki’s story, her abusive ex-husband reached new and terrifying heights of violence and intimidation. When he realized she was on the precipice of change. Victims Can Prepare To Safely Leave An Abusive Relationship By: Creating a safety plan with a BTR.ORG coach or local domestic violence victim advocate. Reaching out to safe people and letting them know the plan, and ways to offer support. Pack a hidden emergency bag that is easily accessible in case the need arises for a quick exit. BTR.ORG Is Here For You For those currently on the path to freedom and figuring out when it’s time to leave, Vicki’s story is a testament to resilience. It reinforces the message that leaving an abusive marriage is courageous, requiring careful planning, support systems, and commitment to one’s safety. Vicki’s journey serves as an inspiration for victims taking the first steps toward reclaiming their lives. You are not alone, and there is strength in breaking free. Consider attending a BTR.ORG Group Session today. Transcript: This Is How You Know It’s Time To Leave – Vicki’s Story Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We are going to call her Vicki. She is going to be sharing her personal experience, what she has been through and knowing when it’s time to leave. So welcome Vicki. Vicki: Hi. It’s great to be here. Anne: I don’t know if great to be here is the exact right way to put it, right? Vicki: If it’s going to help anybody, then yes. Anne: Yes, and going through what you’ve been through is terrible. But a lot of victims who come on the podcast to share their experience find it like a step on their journey. To peace, in that they can share their story with a community of women who get it and benefit from it. So we’re grateful for you taking the time to share today. So let’s start at the beginning of your story. Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Vicki: No, I mean, of course, at first he was Prince Charming, you know, so there wasn’t anything to notice at first. Then shortly after we married, I noticed things that I was like, I’ve never seen that before. Where did that come from? But this went on for a while, for months and years without me being able to say, wait a minute, that’s not okay. That’s totally abusive. So I definitely did not recognize it. Anne: How did you define these? I’ll just put in quotes, “strange behaviors” or things that you were like, I don’t feel good about that. How did you define that behavior at the time? What reasons did you give? Excusing Abusive Behavior By Blaming Others Vicki: Well, I just thought he had a lot of bad things happening to him through no fault of his own. So he was discouraged, and it made him touchy. And so in my mind, I was like, well, after all this behavior is understandable. He’s demoralized because of these tough breaks he keeps experiencing. And, I just excused it. And later, I found out that all the things I called tough breaks were literally just consequences of his choices and behaviors. Anne: But you didn’t know it at the time? Vicki: Oh no, no, he kept everything so covert and hidden from me. Anne: Okay. Vicki: Yeah Anne: Let me guess, one of them is getting fired from a job? Vicki: Oh yes, that was definitely one of them, on more than one occasion. He went through ten jobs. And every single time it was because there was a “departmental restructuring.” Or his boss was a horrible jerk, and it was time to leave, or something like that. It was definitely not due to behaviors he was doing on the job, on company time with the company computer. It was definitely not that. Anne: I mentioned in another interview recently. The situation usually begins for them, in their head, on with what other people do in response. It doesn’t start with them. So they do something wrong. You know, they use exploitative manterial on their work computer, and then their boss starts treating them “badly,” maybe because they’re like, you’re a bad person. He Was Fired From His Job Repeatedly & Abusing Me Anne: When I say “badly,” I’m putting that in quotes, like you’re not a good employee. It’s time to leave. And that’s where

Armchair Pathology: The pathologizing (diagnosing, whether by a formal diagnosis or simply a suggestion) of an individual without thorough, knowledge-based, individualized care by a provider or advocate. If you’re a victim of betrayal, here are some armchair psychology examples you need to be aware of. When a provider or advocate labels a victim with a certain pathology, without being educated or trained in abuse, it can be damaging to the victim. Too many so-called experts subject women to severe harm. If you’re being blamed for your own emotional and psychological abuse, we’re here to help. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Why Is Armchair Psychology A Dangerous Practice? The symptoms of trauma often mimic mental illnesses, disorders, and pseudo-psychological conditions (like “codependency.” Meaning that when providers do not factor in trauma and abuse to a client’s profile, any diagnosis or suggestion can be completely inaccurate. Have YOU Experienced The Dangers Of Armchair Psychology? Some victims have experienced the dangers of armchair psychology without even realizing it – because this practice has become so normalized. You can ask yourself these questions: Has a provider or advocate diagnosed me with a mental illness, disorder, or something else, without ever having seen or spoken with me? Have I been prescribed medication without having been given a diagnosis? Was I given a serious diagnosis after only one visit, or after a telehealth appointment? Did the provider give me a diagnosis after speaking with my husband? Transcript: Armchair Psychology Examples: What YOU Need To Know Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode, I’m going to call her Paige. Paige is a certified midwife. And she wanted to come on today to talk about armchair psychology examples. And how armchair psychology harms victims. Welcome, Paige Paige: Hi, thanks for having me. Anne: So Paige let’s start with the definition of armchair psychology and why that harms victims. Paige: When people are labeled with a disorder or a diagnosis without actually having had interactions or contact with a provider or advocate. We see it a lot in the betrayal trauma community, “You’re just not healed enough.” Or, “You’re just triggered because you’re not healed.” https://youtu.be/QleyqobSRCQ Armchair Psychology Examples: Harmful Labels and Misconceptions Paige: This is especially when women are countering armchair psychology. They diagnose the woman as codependent, trauma-bonded, or any of these victim-blaming labels. And they’re like, “No, that’s not the case. He actively abuses me. What you say is harmful and perpetuates abuse and abuse mindset.” The armchair psychologist dismisses them as not healed. Because they don’t understand, they’re not healed, they’re triggered. Anne: So many people say if you’re angry, it’s because you’re not healed. It’s not that you’re actively being abused, it’s that the abuse happened long ago and you’re still making a big deal out of it and you shouldn’t be. Codependency falls into this cateory as well, you are not codependent. Paige: Exactly, it’s amusing to me, because many betrayal community women I interact with have gotten to that place where they are like, “Yeah, this is harmful language. This is a systemic problem that needs to be addressed.” They are some of the most healed individuals I’ve met, because they’re really putting in that inner work. They’re not doing a lot of the bypassing. Anne: I think it’s interesting that the more healed she gets, the more likely she is to know what she wants. And to be more confident to set boundaries. Paige: Oh, absolutely. Anne: If she says, “I’m upset. This is frustrating, and I don’t want to talk to you about it. Will you please leave my presence?” Dismissal of Victims’ Experiences: Armchair Psychology Anne: People might be like, “Whoa, what’s wrong with her? She must be traumatized. She can’t even handle a conversation!” Instead of realizing, she just doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. She’s more healed than before. She can see what’s going on and separate herself from it more quickly. With armchair psychology people might think she’s not healed when she is very healed. Also when she’s actively abused, so she can’t be healed, and they’re saying, “You’re not healed enough.” That’s probably true, except they’re not enabling her to be healed because there’s still ongoing abuse. Paige: When you’re still experiencing ongoing abuse, you’ll have parts of you being re-traumatized. That doesn’t necessarily mean that an advocate or provider telling you that yo

In this faith-focused podcast episode, Anne Blythe, M.Ed, talks with a victim of ritual abuse. Here’s how one woman’s story can help protect you and your family. We recognize that many victims of spiritual abuse find religion and spirituality traumatizing, while others find religion and spirituality comforting and healing. Please know that you are welcome and loved in this community, no matter where you are on the spectrum of spirituality. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process the grief that often accompanies spiritual abuse. Please attend a session today. How Does Spiritual Abuse Affect Victims? Spiritual abuse takes many forms. From abusive men using scripture to coerce wives, to clergy counseling victims to “forgive and forget” abuse and infidelity. Victims of religious abuse may find that religion and spirituality are traumatizing. Women in our community experiencing spiritual abuse share that they get triggered when they: Enter a place of worship Hear certain verses of scripture Clergy, other male leadership or congregation members approach them Hear or sing spiritual songs or hymns Pray In the case of Anna M. Jonathan, a member of the BTR.ORG community. The severe spiritual abuse she endured in the form of ritual child abuse did not deter her from engaging in healthy religious and spiritual practices later in life. Can Victims Of Spiritual Abuse Find Healing? Many victims of spiritual abuse find healing. Some through disengaging from religious practices, and others through finding a new relationship with their Higher Power. Victims experience trauma and feel powerless in a scary or painful situation. When this happens over and over, as in instances of psychological and emotional abuse, infidelity, and coercion. Victims may experience a unique level of trauma that makes healing feel impossible. However, as victims take courageous actions to protect themselves from harm, educate themselves about abuse, and seek community and validation. Healing becomes possible. Spiritual abuse is one of the most insidious forms of control over another person. Abusers taking advantage of, or completely ruining, another human being’s relationship with their Higher Power is purely cruel. At BTR.ORG, we want you to know that we trust you however you need to heal from spiritual abuse. Whether that’s by re-engaging with religious and spiritual practices in a new way, or stepping away. We understand and support you. Transcript: Faith Triumphs Over Ritual Abuse – Anna’s Story Since this episode deals with Ritual Abuse, to find out more about Ritual Abuse, here are some reputable resources: US Department Of Justice Information For Ritual Abuse Survivors National Library Of Medicine Ritualistic Abuse of Children: Dynamics and Impact Anne: I have a special guest on today’s episode. Her pen name is Anna. We’re not going to get graphic. We will talk around that, we will also talk about how this interacted with her faith. She and I share the same faith tradition. We’re both still active in our church. So we’re going to be talking about that. For those who are agnostic or different Christian religions or, you are Jewish or Muslim, you are welcome here. We will share our own faith experience. She is a victim of satanic ritual abuse. Welcome Anna. Anna: Thank you. I was born into a family where my father was already a member of a satanic ritual abuse occult. And this particular occult was loosely based on the Law of Moses and Mosaic law. There are different definitions of numbers and how things were done. Ceremonies were done according to the ages of people. They would loosely follow that, but yet would use my church, which I grew up in as a cover. So they were all good members of the church, supposedly, on the outside. But they would meet together and loosely base everything on a Mosaic law. They felt like they were interpreting things in their own way. Anne: So quickly, when I hear the term satanic ritual abuse occult, I think the people involved worship Satan. You know, they talk about Satan, but you’re saying that’s not the case. The reason why it has that satanic label is because of its evilness. Ritual Abuse Mimicked Church Heirachy Anne: But in their actual rituals, they could be referencing God. They could refer to scripture, or in this case, you’re saying the law of Moses. And so like a little kid might not realize this is evil. They might think, “Oh this is just a religious ceremony.” Am I making sense? Anna: The occult I associated with mimicked the hierarchy in the church. There was a bishop, a prophet, and people in the church type thing or in the occult. So they would mimic certain things. But yet they were strong to do things that made you know, to let you know physically and tangibly that Jesus was not all powerful. Satan was more powerful than Jesus Christ. So, when I say satanic… Anne: S

Women all over the United States think they’re doing the right thing, divorcing their abusive husband. That the court will help them protect their children from abuse. But instead, the court orders the children to reunification therapy. Here’s what everyone needs to know about reunification therapy. Tina Swithin from One Mom’s Battle and Anne Blythe, M.Ed. from The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast talk about what you need to know. Therapy should, first and foremost, empower children. Reunification therapy does the exact opposite. “Professionals” re-abuse children, subjecting them to reunification therapy by gaslighting them into blaming their protective parent for the negative feelings they have for the abuser. Abusers not only traumatize the children by the gaslighting itself, but also children are: Often forced into participation against their will. Accused of lying about the abuse. Forced to spend time with their abuser. Isolated from their protective/preferred parent. Considering how harmful Reunification Therapy is, how can it possibly exist? It’s a “lucrative cottage industry” that abusers have weaponized to gain access to their child victims, while causing inexpressible pain to the protective parent. And those in the reunification industry continue to push for it because it lines their pockets. If you’re experiencing the trauma of the family court system, please attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today – you are not alone and you do not have to endure this on your own. We love you, we believe you. Transcript: What You Need To Know About Reunification Therapy Anne: I have a super special guest on today’s episode. It’s Tina Swithin, and so many of you are familiar with her. Tina is an internationally recognized blogger and champion of children’s rights in the family court system. She endured a 10 year family court battle representing herself, and against all odds was successful in protecting her children. Tina works to raise awareness on the shortcomings and failures of the family court system, while educating the public on post separation abuse and narcissistic abuse. Anne: Welcome Tina. Tina: Thank you so much. Happy to be here. Happy to connect. Anne: We had the privilege of meeting in person in a protest in Utah about family court and how it does not protect children. You may have seen us do an Instagram live during that time. So I wanted Tina to talk about a few issues related to family court, and how in most states, for a protective parent seeking a divorce from an abusive parent, that protective parent has a very hard time protecting her children. Anne: On my podcast, because our audience is women who have been abused by men, I speak in gender segregated ways, simply because that is our audience. But I want to recognize that women can also be abusive. However, for our listeners, since they’re all women victims of male abusers, that’s why I talk like this. Reunification Camps, DCFS & Therapy Anne: Should we start with reunification camps and maybe reunification therapy? Tina: Yes, I think that’s a good place to dive in. And it’s a hot topic right now. It’s something that has infiltrated the family court system and is definitely not in a child’s best interest. Anne: So I have a friend who’s a pediatrician, and sometimes she refers cases she sees in her pediatric office to DCFS, which is Division of Child and Family Services here in Utah. She reports cases in Utah, they never return as supported. Every time she reports child abuse in the state of Utah, it comes back as unsupported. And the reason it comes back as unsupported is because usually it’s the safe parent, like a safe mom, that brings the child into the pediatrician’s office, and it happened at an ex-husband’s home. And when DCFS talks to the man accused of the abuse, as long as he has a reason. If he says, “Oh, no, that didn’t happen.” What happened was I was trying to, help with her homework, or explain to him how to do this. Or he says, “Sorry I lost my temper, but I’m a good dad.” As long as he explains it, and he doesn’t say yes, I am an abuser. It comes back as unsupported. She has no way to help these protective moms protect their kids from abuse. In many cases, kids don’t want to go. Tina: To piggyback on what you said, it’s a universal problem across the entire country. And I believe there are two things at play. Bias Against Protective Moms In Family Courts Tina: Number one, there is a strong bias that moms make up abuse allegations to get a leg up in custody. So as soon as they hear there is any type of family court case or child custody situation, they cannot close it fast enough. That’s a lot of what we’re up against. The second factor is that they see horrors daily. And the threshold for what’s acceptab

If you’re staying married after infidelity, it may be helpful to hear the stories of other women who have also chosen this path. If you want to stay married, but you’re also looking for safety, consider The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to give you strategies to use to keep yourself emotionally and psychologically safe after his betrayal. Transcript: Staying Married After Infidelity? What You Need To Know Anne: We have a member of our community on today. I’m going to call her Linda. She discovered her husband of nearly 17 years had been repeatedly unfaithful to her throughout their marriage. Linda decided to use some of The Living Free Strategies while staying married after infidelity. The Living Free Workshop is to help women determine the type of character their husband has through strategy. In Linda’s case, she decided to use the strategies and stay with her husband. So Linda, let’s start with your story. How would you have described your marriage before you discovered your husband’s infidelity? Linda: Before I found out, I would have called our marriage an idyllic marriage. I would have said that we had pretty much a storybook relationship. We were best friends, were each other’s favorite person in the whole world. We’ve always enjoyed spending time together. All of our friends, all of our family, a lot of them look to us as the example for marriage. It seemed, it seemed really great. The Devastation Of Discovery Day Anne: What was it like to realize that everything you believed was a lie? Linda: It was devastating. It shattered my whole world. I’ve described it to people like a puzzle. If our life is a puzzle. And before that day, I felt like my puzzle was all together, all the pieces fit. It was a really pretty puzzle. And that day, when I found that out, it was as if someone took that puzzle and just threw it. The pieces went everywhere, maybe some of them even broke and went under pieces of furniture or something. And, for the next however many months staying married after infidelity, it was this scramble. This panicky scramble to try and find all those pieces and get them to fit back together. Except now I realized they don’t fit. All this perfect picture that I thought I had, isn’t what I thought it was, and it doesn’t fit together like I thought it did. Anne: We’ve talked about D-Day on the podcast before, which means Discovery Day. The day you find out that your husband lied to you, d-day the reality you’re living in is not actual reality, right? It is mind bending. Navigating The Fog Of Infidelity With Truth Linda: if I’m honest, I would say the first at least three months, maybe longer than that. After the first D-Day, I didn’t navigate it. I went into this deep, deep, deep fog staying together after infidelity, and I didn’t know which way was up, and I didn’t even try. I call it a zombie phase where you’re dead on your feet. You get up, and go through the motions. And you do the things that need doing. I have very few memories of that time, and it was almost like I was just a robot or something going through that time. I don’t know. My brain was just off. I really, really struggled with my relationship with God during that time. And didn’t understand how he could let that happen. I had spent my whole life following him, praying for my husband and for our marriage. It felt like God had betrayed me too. I was angry, really angry with him. I would pray and say terrible things to him. It was an awful time, but he pursued me through that time and was patient with me through my tantrums. After several months, I did eventually start to believe what he says in his word about me, about him. Eventually I got through that fog by believing truth. Anne: I felt a similar thing during the worst fog, which was a nine month period after my husband’s arrest. I couldn’t feel God at all. In spite of my prayers, in spite of my scripture study, and it was such a difficult time. Linda: Yeah. Staying Together After Infidelity? Finding Comfort In Scripture Anne: And now out of the fog, I can see him during that time when I was staying with my husband after infidelity. And I’m grateful for his patience, because what we went through that fog is a classic trauma response where we are very wounded and can’t process things. He, Is there even if we can’t feel him. Linda: And he’s so patient that the scripture, especially the Psalms and also Lamentations, helps me be at peace. I think with that time and to recognize that I would even say like God was okay with it. So I think he appreciated that I was coming to him with my raw honesty. I wasn’t holding back and pretending. You know, everything was fine when it wasn’t. I screamed at him when I wanted to scream at him and was real. I think he wants our authentic selves. He knows we’re

The term “Biblical submission” has long been considered an essential principle of a sanctified partnership. But more and more women describe that people use this term to perpetuate a pervasive type of abuse. That all too often goes unnoticed. Perhaps one can ask, is the term “biblical submission” synonymous with spiritual abuse? If you are experiencing spiritual abuse we’d love to see you in a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Coach Sharon focuses on exposing incorrect thought patterns that lead to the weaponization of spiritual truths. Sharon, as a survivor of physical, emotional and spiritual abuse, is determined to support women to regain their voice. She wants to help them reframe their value, and maintain their spiritual footing. This is what makes her valuable to our community of women who know this pain. Coach Sharon shares a profound part of her personal story. How Can I Know If Biblical Submission Is Being Used To Abuse Me? Told or made to believe that the wife must submit to the husband, regardless of circumstances Feel that your thoughts, opinion, voice does not matter Told or made to feel that God wants you to forgive no matter what Told or made to feel that God has control over your body, not you Made to believe that you have no choice or decision-making role in your own relationship Defining women’s role in non-compromising terms Coach Sharon describes the scattered, confusing thinking that many victims feel when they experience this type of emotional and spiritual abuse. We understand that when spiritual beliefs collide with abuse, it can be messy, confusing and bewildering. Sometimes you can feel lost or hopeless. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we are here for you, no matter what you believe or do not believe. We have a strong, supportive, robust and vastly knowledgeable array of amazing coaches here for you—to help you sort through the chaos and find peace. Join Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group today. We get it, we get you. Transcript: Is The Common Interpretation Of Biblical Submission In Marriage Wrong? Anne: I am so excited. Coach Sharon is on today’s episode. She is one of our betrayal trauma coaches here at Betrayal Trauma Recovery. She’s passionate about exposing incorrect thought patterns. That lead to the weaponization of spiritual truths. I’m so excited to talk to her about that today. As a survivor of physical, emotional, and spiritual abuse, Sharon is determined to support women. To reclaim their voice, reframe their value, and maintain their spiritual footing. As a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach, Sharon speaks the truth directly, yet compassionately. As she challenges arguments, opinions, and mindsets that seek to undermine a woman’s mental and spiritual health. Welcome, Sharon. Coach Sharon: Thank you, Anne. Anne: Coach Sharon is, of course, one of our Betrayal Trauma Recovery coaches. She coaches several sessions of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery group. So when you attend a group session, you can meet her and interact with her. You can also schedule an individual session with Coach Sharon by going to our website. So Sharon, because you’ve been through this, can you talk about your experience? What did you think happened before you had the word abuse to describe your experience? Coach Sharon: I thought we just had problems. I thought we had problems communicating like every other couple. And if we could just get the tools needed to communicate, that would set us straight. And that for whatever reason, we just kept missing each other. Misunderstanding Abuse & Seeking Help from the Church Anne: So what kinds of things did you do to try and not miss each other? You know, to get help for this? Coach Sharon: We tried a variety of different things. We did the marriage counseling a couple of times, numerous times. But we relied more on pastoral care as a source of support. Some people in our life within the church community offered support to us in terms of counseling. But that always seemed to shine back on me and my direction in terms of my responsibility to satisfy him. So that he would not fall into temptation or submit without question, no matter how it was affecting me. So we have these help and professionals that were trying to support and help. But they were unaware of the varying forms of abuse. Because my husband didn’t assault me physically the whole time, the full length of our marriage. They did not see that I was actually in abuse. So I suffered a lot of harm, because the people in my life who offered support did not have a working knowledge of varying forms of abuse. And expected me to adhere to Biblical submission. And I believe these people meant me good in terms of the support they were trying to offer. I think there was the desire to help, but there wasn’t the knowledge to speak to emotional, psychological and intimate abuse. Fundamentalism and patriarchy fuel abuse. Recognizing

If you’ve experienced your husband’s lies, infidelity, manipulation or any other type of abuse, here are the best songs about healing from trauma. To discover if you’ve experienced any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Here’s the list below… Betrayal Trauma Healing Playlist on APPLE MUSIC Infidelity Healing Playlist on SPOTIFY Betrayal Trauma Healing Playlist on YOUTUBE Songs About Healing From Trauma Because music has a unique way to help us process emotions, find strength, and heal. So if you’re navigating trauma from your husband’s betrayal, lies, and infidelity, these 71 songs will empower you on your healing journey. 1. She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles A heartfelt ballad that beautifully captures the pain of losing yourself. Secondly, the strength to rediscover who you are. 2. Try by Colbie Caillat This song reminds you to focus on inner beauty and self-worth. Because others manipulation is intended to exploit you. This song will help you do what’s right for you. 3. mad woman by Taylor Swift Of course, reveals the anger and frustration systemic misogyny causes. 4. Who Says by Selena Gomez & the Scene Above all, a reminder that you’re amazing just as you are. 5. Girl Can’t Be Herself by Alicia Keys Consequently, this anthem of authenticity urges you to celebrate your identity in a world full of expectations. 6. Surface Pressure by Jessica Darrow Feeling overwhelmed? This song from Encanto commiserates while reinforcing your strength. 7. Just Be Held by Casting Crowns Altogether a powerful reminder to lean into your faith and trust the process of healing, even through dark times. 8. Rescue by Lauren Daigle For when you feel hopeless, this song promises that you are never too lost to be found or supported. 9. U Matter by Bonner Family (feat. Aaliyah Rose, Yahosh & Daysha) Above all a heartfelt reassurance that you are valued and loved, no matter what. 10. Never Alone by Lauren Daigle Overall an uplifting song that assures you there’s always someone with you, walking alongside you in your struggles. 11. Walk Me Home by P!nk For the moments when you feel lost, this song offers a comforting push to keep going. 12. Come Alive (Dry Bones) by Lauren Daigle Also a motivational anthem encouraging you to rise and rebuild after facing destruction. 13. Million Reasons (Andrelli Remix) by Lady Gaga A beautifully raw track about searching for hope and purpose when everything feels impossible. 14. With or Without You by Boyce Avenue & Manuel Costa This poignant cover brings depth and clarity to themes of letting go and moving forward. Songs about healing from trauma motivate us. 15. Sit Still, Look Pretty by Daya A bold reminder that you are more than an exploiters expectations—you’re strong and capable of building your own future. 16. Quiet by MILCK An empowering song about finding your voice during hardship, and refusing to stay silent about your pain. 17. Ain’t Your Mama by Jennifer Lopez This sassy anthem serves as a wake-up call that he’s a full grown man and capable of doing basic tasks. 18. What About Us by P!nk In essence a raw exploration of broken trust and the resilience it takes to stand back up after betrayal trauma. 19. I Never by Jessica Simpson Exploring the pain after betrayal, this track leans into themes of regret, growth, and healing. Songs About Healing From Trauma 20-39 20. Not Ready to Make Nice by The Chicks For those moments when you’re not ready to forgive, good for you. 21. Breadwinner by Kacey Musgraves Outlines exactly what happened when he targeted you for exploitation. 22. My Own Hero by Andy Grammer This anthem will help you be your own hero. Because songs about healing from trauma encourage us. 23. Superheroes by The Script An ode to all who’ve fought battles unseen, this song is an inspiring reminder that your struggles have shaped you into a strong and capable woman. 24. Sister Suffragette by Mary Poppins Cast Above all this classic from Mary Poppins celebrates women breaking barriers—a reminder of the systemic, historic misogyny we’re all standing against. 25. This Is Me by Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble An unapologetic anthem for self-acceptance, this track encourages you to own your scars and march forward bravely. Healing from trauma often involves accepting and reclaiming who you are. 26. Let It Go (Bearson Remix) by Bearson Summarizes the futility of trying to work with an emotionally abusive man. 27. If You’re Over Me (Key Remix) by Years & Years This upbeat remix tackles moving on from the trauma caused by his abuse. So it’s a perfect track to dance through the healing process and regain your clarity. Songs about healing from trauma lift us. 28. Say Something by Pentatonix Hauntingly beautiful, this song captures the heartache of losing love. Because sometimes, healing starts with acknowledging the hurt and letting yours

Have you ever asked, “Is it wrong if I want to leave my emotionally abusive husband?” Here are some things to consider. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take our FREE emotional abuse quiz. 1. What would you tell someone else if they asked? Pretend like you’re having a conversation with someone else. Listen to your own story as if you’re someone else. What would you say to this “other” person? Would she be wrong for wanting to leave an emotionally abusive husband? 2. What would a domestic abuse expert say? Since most therapists, clergy, and almost everybody else doesn’t understand the ins and outs of domestic abuse. Especially when it comes to emotional and psychological abuse, they’re not the right people to ask whether your desire to leave your emotionally abusive husband is appropriate. Anne Blythe, M.Ed, Producer & Host of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helps women assess their level of emotional safety everyday. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, emotional safety is the top priority. So rather than asking yourself if it’s wrong to leave or even if you should leave. The team at Betrayal Trauma Recovery will support you in your journey to discover what it means to be emotionally safe. And to take steps to become emotionally safe, in whatever way works for you. 3. Who told you it’s wrong to leave an emotionally abusive husband? If you’re wondering if it’s wrong to leave an emotionally abusive husband, consider why you’re even asking this question in the first place. Does the question even make sense? Who has told you or where have you picked up the idea that it could be wrong to leave an emotionally abusive relationship? Anne wrote The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Meditations so that women can look inside themselves to sort out their own thoughts. And separate from the society scripting in their heads to determine what is the best course of action. Start listening to your intuition, rather than people who don’t understand what it’s like to live in your situation. 4. Consider asking, “How do I establish emotional safety?” Instead of, “Can I get to emotional safety?” One thing’s for sure, all women can get to emotional safety. So it’s important to focus on HOW. Anne developed The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop for this reason – to help victims get to emotional safety. Whether you’re fully committed to separating from your husband, or have gone back and forth on this painful decision, consider these tips and strategies Anne and Karen discuss in the transcript below. Transcript: I Want To Leave My Emotionally Abusive Husband Anne: I have Karen DeArmond Gardner on today’s episode. She wrote the book, Hope for Healing from Domestic Abuse. Thirty years, four months, and two days after she said, “I do,” Karen left an abusive marriage. She walks with women as they learn to reframe what is normal, real, and necessary. So women can rediscover who God is and who they are; moving from hopelessness to hope. Her passions include Jesus, her husband, healing, and coffee. Welcome, Karen! Karen: Thank you for having me on, Anne. I am so excited about this. Anne: Obviously, from her bio, Karen is a woman of faith. So am I. If you are agnostic or atheist or anything else, you are welcome here. We’re going to talk about our faith from our own perspective. Karen and I don’t share the same faith tradition per se. Everyone is always welcome. And also, if you come on the podcast, you’re always welcome to share from your own faith or non-faith perspective. Anne: Karen, can you tell me a little about your story? Karen: Oh, gosh. Where do you start in your story? When you left or when you got into it? As you shared already, I stayed 30 years in an abusive marriage. But at 20 years old, I did not know that. He was charming, kind, and funny. He listened to me, I told him secrets I had never told anybody in my entire life. And I had no idea who he was or that I would eventually want to leave my emotionally abusive husband.. I Recognized Red Flags, But Rationalized Karen: Were there red flags? Yes, do you pay attention to them? You do, but because he’s this guy over here, he’s always telling me how amazing I am. So it must be like a one-off. We got married after two and a half months of dating, and I had no idea what I was stepping into or might need to leave my emotionally abusive husband. I noticed things changed, but I thought it was just marriage and getting used to each other. Because I didn’t have anything to compare it to. I didn’t have a frame to put it next to. My mom sought a divorce in the sixties because my father was abusive. Then the man she was married to while I was growing up was an alcoholic. So I didn’t have anything to compare to what is normal and what’s not normal. Anne: So many women have that situation. I remember telling my internal medicine, family practice doctor, I don’

You don’t have anything wrong with you if you left an emotionally abusive marriage and your new husband is abusive too. This episode follows Chandra’s Story:This Is How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims – Chandra’s First MarriagePart 2: When My New Husband Is Abusive Too – Chandra’s Second Marriage (THIS EPISODE) When women experience a second abusive husband, they may blame themselves: I’ve already been through this once, how could I make this mistake again? What is it about me that attracts me to abusers? Why didn’t I see the signs sooner? Why didn’t I do this, this, and this differently? Here’s the truth: you are not to blame for his behaviors when your new husband is abusive too. Blaming yourself for abuse by another man is needless torture. You have been through enough – please exercise compassion for yourself rather than judgment. Many women, including Chandra, experience embarrassment and shame when they realize their new husband is also abusive. This shame and embarrassment may deter them from seeking safety early on, believing that with enough grit and determination, they can make the marriage work. BTR.ORG Is Here When Your New Husband Is Abusive Too Victims of abuse who have a new husband may feel discouraged, embarrassed, and hopeless. Sometimes, victims express feeling silly or pathetic for having entered into a second marriage. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. In fact, this is a normal part of being human. What is NOT normal, is being abusive. You are not the problem here – the abuser is the problem. If you are experiencing trauma from a second husband, please join our BTR.ORG Group Sessions today. You deserve a healing community of loving, compassionate women who understand. Transcript: When My New Husband Is Abusive Too Anne: Chandra, a member of our community, is back on today’s episode. Last week, she told the story about her emotionally abusive first husband. This week, we’ll talk about her second husband, her new husband is abusive too. If you haven’t heard about her first marriage, go back and listen to last week first, and then join us here. Chandra, welcome back. Chandra: I’m still wrapping my head around grace for myself for not knowing before that my new husband was abusive. And getting into that situation again. I feel like, why didn’t I see the red flags after what I’d been through? Maybe it was too soon? I hadn’t learned the lessons I needed before another relationship. And I thought I was ready, but I must not have been right. Anne: I’m going to disagree with you, sorry. Chandra: That’s okay. Anne: It’s not your fault that someone abuses you. There are so many women who don’t know much about abuse, or who don’t know how to recognize red flags. And they marry great guys. Chandra: Yeah. Anne: Because the guy’s not abusive. Chandra: Right. Anne: It’s never your fault if someone intentionally deceives you. It’s never your fault if someone intentionally grooms you, and you don’t know. Those who’ve been through it tend to know more, I would say, than the average person. The average person who marries a healthy person doesn’t know about it. Their husbands didn’t abuse them. Anne: Even though you went through an abusive situation, this second abuser abused differently than before. I remember talking to a friend who was in a horrific abusive situation. And I was newly married. I went to her and said, “Hey, you know, what’s happening with my husband? Is this kind of what you experienced?” Early Signs Of Trouble & A Vulnerable Time Anne: She said, “No, your husband’s amazing compared to my guy.” Right, and so she thought my husband was healthy and great. She’s like, yeah, but nobody’s perfect. But like, man, he’s so much better. And so I was like, Oh, okay, well then he’s not abusive because she would know. Because she’s been in an abusive situation. But that’s not necessarily the case, because abusers know how to groom people. They can groom you in a way that “works for you.” So I just don’t think it’s ever our fault. However, I think we learn a lot of skills along the way. Chandra: Oh my, yeah. Anne: So saying that, I just want to say no. Not your fault. Chandra: Yeah, that helps. It’s nice to hear that. It’s just frustrating to have spent another eight years with somebody that was also not a great partner and hurt me again. And especially after all the promises. Like, oh, your first husband did you wrong, and I’ll take care of you and never let that happen to you blah, blah, blah. So, I met my second husband at work. He was not working in the same company. But he was in sales and would visit and attempt to get me to specify his company’s equipment on projects. He was

Have you wondered how abusers manipulate their victims? Chandra shares how her first husband manipulated her to keep her in the dark. Chandra, a Shero and member of the BTR.ORG community, shares the first part of her incredible story of surviving abuse despite her first husband’s many attempts to control the narrative. If you’re in this situation and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. This episode follows Chandra’s Story:This Is How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims – Chandra’s First Marriage (THIS EPISODE)When My New Husband Is Abusive Too – Chandra’s Second Marriage Abusers Control The Narrative By Talking First It’s strategic – the way they control the story. This is how abusers manipulate their victims. And the first step they take is telling the story first. The first to talk is generally the one that people believe, unfortunately. So if the abuser seeks religious counseling, back-up from law enforcement, or “emotional support” from family and friends before the victim. They are more likely to be believed and discredit the victim. Furthermore, abusers manipulate their victims by spinning the narrative to make themselves look like the victim. They often do this by admitting to a degree of abuse, but giving an excuse that draws pity or praise: “Yes, I did cheat, but I’m working a therapist on overcoming my childhood trauma, and I’m hoping she’ll forgive me for my attachment issues that led to me betraying her…” “If it wasn’t a sexless marriage, I wouldn’t have to do the things I do…” “My family was abusive, and I’m working so hard to be a better man. I just wish she’d stop ignoring my texts so I could tell her how hard I’m working. Can you ask her to talk to me?” To discover if your husband is emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Abusers Spin The Story: “I’m The Actual Victim Here” Whether they blame the affair partner, like Chandra’s ex-husband did, or blame the abusive family they grew up in: “I was raised to _____” (objectify women, use exploitative material, hit, sexually abuse women, etc) Blame society: “I’m a man! What do you expect?” Or blame a host of other situations or people, including their hormones, friends, alcohol, drugs, or stress. Abusers who manipulate their victims and are adept at shifting blame from taking accountability for their own choices. To make it appear they were the victim of just about anyone and anything else. The message is loud and clear: “I’m the victim! So feel sorry for me! Stay distracted from trying to ask me to stop hurting you, and don’t even think about asking me to be accountable. I want to be catered to. And given all the so-called privileges that I perceive victims receive!” Abusers Control The Narrative Early & Often Healthy people are generally compassionate, and abusers manipulate their victims by using this. It’s common for abusers to disclose childhood abuse and other traumas early in the relationship. To elicit a blanket of pity that allows them to behave as they want, without consequences. This way, they can be as awful as they want, and can never be held accountable because of the pain from their childhood trauma. But here’s the thing: Many, many adults have severe childhood trauma, but they don’t choose to abuse others. This is how abusers manipulate their victims: When abusers control the narrative, it’s terrifying. Sometimes we don’t even believe ourselves. But at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we believe YOU. You aren’t alone, and we know you are not crazy. You’re safe here. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: This Is How Abusers Manipulate Their Victims Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. I’m going to call her Chandra. She’s a mother of four children. She’s a professional mechanical engineer, and a running enthusiast. She happens to be a Boston marathon finisher. So yay, good job there! She loves yoga and happily married for three years to a healthy, kind, humble man. Chandra married two separate abusers. So part one will be about her first marriage, and then part two next week will be about her second marriage. This episode will focus on how abusers manipulate their victims by controlling the narrative. And then of course stay tuned for next week about her second marriage. Because so many women have gone through that. Where they get out of one abusive marriage, and then through no fault of their own, find themselves in a second one. Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, Chandra. Chandra: Thank you, Anne. Anne: Our stories, Chandra. That’s where do we even start, right? Chandra: Yeah. Anne: Yeah, so because you have, I would say, your own

How to know if my abusive husband is changing? Perhaps like Claire, you hope he can change. If you want to discuss the possibility of your abusive husband changing with other women who feel the same way, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. A man who is changing will consistently reject misogyny. This means that he will: Not expect or ask others to cook, clean, or “take care” of him. Not expect, ask for, or coerce you or others for sex. Clean up after himself and others, taking on household and yard tasks without being prodded, asked, or encouraged. Avoid organizations and situations where misogyny and patriarchy are systemically significant. Reject patriarchal leadership roles. Forfeit financial control and take proactive steps to learn how to have a mutual financial partnership Heathly Men Don’t Exploit Women Healthy men don’t use exploitative material, period. They understand that it is exploitative and abusive to the victims in the industry, as well as destructive to their wives and themselves. It’s NOT a “temptation” to a healthy man. It’s a no-brainer. If your husband is truly changing, he has done the work to understand the exploitative nature of the industry. To know if your husband is emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz. How To Know If My Husband Is Changing The effects that his use has had on you and your family. And he will never return to it. Not even once. A healthy man respects your right to make decisions, large and small. He understands that he has zero right to make demands on your time, body, and energy. He gives you space. But you’re not a mind-reader and abusers are VERY good at mimicking these healthy behaviors. So how to know if my husband is changing? At BTR.ORG, we know it can be dangerous to live in close proximity to an abuser who claims to be changing. If you’re invested in staying married to the abuser, believing he is willing and capable of change. To discover your husand’s true character and learn emotional safety strategies, enroll in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop. If you need live support today, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session. Transcript: How Do I Know If My Abusive Husband’s Changing? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. I’m going to call her Claire. Claire and I are from the same faith background. We’ll be talking about some particular programs specific to our faith, but it will relate. Because a lot of you have been through programs similar to this. Either faith based or secular programs, or maybe 12 step programs. As always, all faiths, all paradigms are welcome here. So no matter what your faith or paradigm is, if you’d like to share your story. Email me at [email protected]. We want to help you know if my husband is changing. So Claire, tell me your story. Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Claire: Not at all. I went into the marriage thinking it was going to be equal. Not knowing anything about intimacy and what’s normal. We just had our 25th anniversary. The abuse is mainly coercion and covert emotional abuse. He wants to look like the good guy. And so I had put in a lot of effort. This is the whole like love, serve, forgive thing, like our whole marriage. Trying to be a good person and learn how to communicate. And I had been listening to some podcasts about intimacy and how it should be for both people. I was really frustrated with that, because I felt like it’s a true principle. That marriage and intimacy are supposed to be for both people, but it still wasn’t working, and I could not see why. Anne: Did his coercion involve using exploitative material? While giving you the impression that he was a faithful Christian man? The Role Of Faith & Misconceptions Of Abuse Claire: So this is actually my main frustration with our church’s addiction recovery program. They want to tell you that marriage is hard work, That he did tell me about the use one year into marriage. But he felt entitled to it. On the podcast, you said this is abuse, and I was like, no, I totally didn’t believe you. I was like, he’s like needy. And then I listened to one of your podcasts about, emotional abuse. I was just completely blown away. How to know if my abusive husband will change is so important. This is the part that I feel is super important, because it took me a little bit of information to see the pattern. Like all I needed to know, abuse is a pattern of control based on entitlement. Emotional abuse is just a tool that is part of domestic abuse. And the whole thing with, like, abusers typically looking like they’re charming. They’re the ones that look good, and they’re the ones that show up for service projects. That the one being abused is more likely to look crazy. And I’m like, hey, that’s me. And yeah, so that k

Have you ever read a news article that describes a domestic abuser as a “good guy”. Can an abuser be a good person, really? Jane Gilmore, award winning journalist from Australia, talks with Anne Blythe, M.Ed. about how media coverage of domestic abuse doesn’t help victims recognize the truth. If the media didn’t help you recognize your husband’s abuse, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY to get the support you need. Transcript: Can An Abuser Be A Good Person? Anne: I’m honored to have Jane Gilmore on today’s episode. She’s an author and award-winning journalist. And has a master of journalism degree from the University of Melbourne. Welcome Jane. Jane: Thank you, lovely to be here. Anne: I’ve invited Jane to talk about news stories, movies and TV and how the media portrays domestic abuse. When it comes to journalism, I’ve had some personal experience with this, because my friend, Leah Moses’s son, was murdered by her ex-husband, and Leah asked me to be the spokesperson for her in the immediate aftermath of that event. And so I was on the news quite a bit. If you go to our YouTube channel Betrayal Trauma Recovery, you can see I’ve created a playlist for that. It’s called Betrayal Trauma Recovery in the news. A lot of the news outlets at that time, all of them actually reported it as a murder suicide, but they didn’t talk about abuse at all. Most reports said this murderer was a respected psychologist. They interviewed people who knew him, who said the abuser was a good person. Knowing Leah’s story, he was one of the most abusive people. There were multiple DCFS reports for the welfare of her children. Police called multiple times. This was a classic domestic abuse situation. Why would any reporter put in print that an abuser is a good person? So the question of, can a murderer be a good person? Why is that even a question? Parth Gandhi was a murderer. He murdered his son. There’s no more proof. Like if murdering your own son isn’t proof that you’re an abuser. There’s never enough proof for them, not in the media, not in the courts. Not anywhere. The Impact Of Media On Society’s Perception Anne: Instead, they said, it was the result of a prolonged legal battle. And some reports suggested that due to the prolonged legal battle, he was so upset or frustrated, it led to a breakdown. Rather than both the prolonged custody battle and the murder were due to his abuse. This is one of the things that can happen when fighting a narcissist for custody. So Jane, let’s talk about how the media reporting of abuse cases shapes society’s perception of abuse and abuse victims. Jane: We had a case a few years ago where a man killed his wife, his daughter, and his three grandchildren. I think the youngest was three, and he was reported as a loving father. It was just obscene. It developed this huge debate in Australia about journalists calling abusers goog people. I swear to you, debating whether it’s okay to call a man who killed his wife, his child, and his grandchildren a good guy. And women in Australia were just like, I’m sorry, what? He’s just killed his family. Of course, he’s not a good guy. Anne: Why were they arguing for it? Jane: Because one of the things journalists will do after something like that happens is they’ll interview people in the community. Like people in his church, people in his sports group, or people on his football team. And somebody inevitably will say, Oh, but he was such a great guy. They weren’t married to him or living with him. They saw him once a week where he’s doing that good guy act. And that was all they ever saw. And journalists will say, well, it’s a legitimate thing to report because somebody said it. People used to say Ted Bundy was a great guy. Clearly he was not. The Role Of Gender In Media Reporting Anne: Yeah, objectively speaking, how do women know if their husband is abusive? No, it is incorrect reporting to say he was a good guy. Yes? Jane: Or just because you can find somebody who says he was. It doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s not like journalists are sitting somewhere stroking a white cat and thinking of ways to excuse the terrible things that some men do to women. A lot of it happens without them knowing it. Particularly when it’s men that journalists feel similar to. If journalists can make sure that, it’s some other, he’s not a good guy like me. He’s nothing like me, my friends, and the men I know. He’s the balaclava clad stranger that jumps out of the bushes at you. But most types of exploitation and abuse aren’t from strangers. Then that’s okay. But if it’s, and often is, somebody they think, Oh, that could be my friend. That could be my brother or even worse. That could be me. They’ve got to find a way to

Too often, we expect abuse victims to look a certain way: downtrodden, economically-dependent, and submissive. But that’s not true. Abuse is exploitative in nature. What do emotional abusers look for in their victims? Strength and ability, here’s why. If you relate to this episode and wonder if you’re experiencing emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Leslie, a successful doctor with multiple degrees, a victim of her ex-husband’s horrific abuse – shares her story. Here’s What Do Emotional Abusers Look For In Their Victims: Financial Resources Financially independent women may have difficulty accepting they are being abused. Because they are well-educated and respected in the workplace. The discrepancy with the way their abusive husband treats them at home may cause them to question reality. And create a disconnect in their ability to identify as a victim. Interestingly, financial abuse is a very sad reality for women who are breadwinners in their families. This form of financial abuse may occur when the abuser: Refuses to work and/or contribute to family expenses. Uses the victim’s earnings to fund extravagant expenses and/or abusive expenses (dating apps, pornography, drugs, alcohol, etc). Takes the victim’s paychecks and diverts them to his account. Demands a portion of the victim’s paycheck and refuses to account for where the money goes. Attempts to sabotage the victim’s career. Promises to earn an income, but either cannot hold down a job or doesn’t try to secure a job. Forces the victim to be the breadwinner, then makes her feel guilty for doing so. Places an expectation that all expenses are the responsibility of the victim. Is constantly resetting the time horizon as to when the financially playing field will be leveled. Refuses to contribute to daily household tasks while the victim works to support the family. But I Thought I Was Smart” Many victims berate themselves for “allowing” abuse. They say things like: “But I thought I was smart!” “How could I be so stupid?!” “I don’t look like an abuse victim.” “Resources for abuse victims go to them – I should get myself out of this.” “I was stupid enough to get into this, I need to get myself out of this.” Victims who have the capacity to earn a living can be extremely hard on themselves. If you have experienced financial success, you are just as valid as any other victim of abuse – you deserve safety. You are entitled to every resource available to victims. Transcript: What Do Emotional Abusers Look For In Their Victims? Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. Leslie is a successful doctor caught in the throes of a horrendously abusive relationship. All of our listeners get that. One of the purposes of having her on the podcast today is to talk about how abuse does not discriminate, and how difficult it can be for even successful or well spoken women, and all of you are like that. Maybe we didn’t recognize it because we didn’t identify as victims, but also no one else would identify us as a victim. And so we want to dig into that today: What do emotional abusers look for in their victims? So welcome Leslie. Leslie: Thank you. Thank you for having me on. I hope my story can help others. There were many dark times that I never thought I would get to the other side, but here I am. Not only surviving, I am thriving. Anne: Like you, now that I’m thriving, the podcast sounds so much different than it did when I started. So if those of you who are listening. If it’s a little difficult or you’re like, don’t talk to me about the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m never going to feel good. My life is over, Leslie and I have been there. I just want to acknowledge that many of our listeners will be like, oh, I don’t want to hear that. That’s not possible for me. Leslie: I agree. I lost myself so much within that whole abusive relationship, it was hard to think that I could ever climb out. Recognizing Red Flags Leslie: Then I joined the BTR.ORG Group Sessions and listened to the stories told. They’re all so similar, but different in their own ways. And then I saw women change things around. I greatly appreciate it. Anne: So Leslie, let’s start at the beginning of your story. Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Leslie: He was my second husband. My first husband was my high school sweetheart. Unfortunately, we lost him. So I was at a very vulnerable time when I met my second husband. And I think he knew that. Maybe that’s part of what he was looking for in a victim. I think he used that to his advantage. He was a coworker with whom I worked a few years before that, just kind of an acquaintance. We connected on Facebook, and of course, he came in on his white horse a

It’s super common for an emotional abuser to lie about his ex, but did you know that tradition is centuries old? If you’re wondering, “Why does my ex lie about what happened?” Here’s a bit of history you absolutely need to know. Why does my ex lie about what happened? Labeling a woman as crazy is a powerful tool that men have had in their arsenal for centuries. And it’s a little confusing: when a woman is clearly sane and healthy, why in the world would someone lie and say she’s crazy, unstable, and even dangerous? This is a form of emotional abuse. To discover if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. This is WHY Your Ex Lies About You Rather than own up to his lies, some abusive men convince those in power that the victim is crazy. It isn’t hard to convince others that women are crazy. The odds are stacked against us. Kate Moore, best selling author talks about why abusive men lie about their ex’s. Transcript: Why Does My Ex Lie About What Happened? Anne: Kate Moore is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of the Radium Girls. It is a winner of the 2017 Goodreads Choice Award for Best History. And voted U. S. Librarian’s Favorite Nonfiction Book of 2017. And named the Notable Nonfiction Book of 2018 by the American Library Association. A British writer based in London, Kate writes across various genres and has had multiple titles on the Sunday Times bestseller list. Her latest book is The Woman They Could Not Silence. Welcome, Kate. Kate: Thank you so much for having me. Anne: It is such an honor to have you. Thank you so much for all your hard work, like bringing these issues to light for women all over the world. It’s really important, and I appreciate your work. Kate: It’s my honor to do it. And I have to thank you for the work you do. You do so much. What you’re doing is helping people. Having worked with survivors of domestic violence and abusive relationships, I know how important it is to have that support network. So thank you for inspiring people and supporting them through these difficult times. Anne: It’s an all hands on deck effort to stop abuse. And help women asking the question, Why does my ex lie about what happened? Kate: It needs to be across the size, you know, so you’re doing an awesome job. So thank you. Synopsis Of The Woman They Could Not Silence Anne: For those in our audience who may not be familiar with your book, without revealing too much, can you please provide us with a synopsis of your book, The Woman They Could Not Silence? Kate: It is my honor to introduce your listeners to The Woman They Could Not Silence. Her name is Elizabeth Packard. It’s not surprising if none of your listeners have heard her name before. Because as often happens to feisty women who stand up for themselves. History has chosen to commemorate instead those men who tried but failed to silence her. And Elizabeth’s story and voice have been lost in time. Her story starts on the cusp of the American Civil War in June 1860. It starts with Elizabeth, a 43 year old housewife and mother of six, lying in bed in her marital home. It starts with a simple question. What would happen if your husband could commit you to an insane asylum just because you disagreed with him? Anne: You know, that question is strangely relevant today. Why does my ex lie about what happened? Not that men commit their abuse victims to an insane asylum. But they are committing them metaphorically to other people, thinking they’re crazy. So this concept is relevant today to abuse victims. Anne: How did you come across Elizabeth’s story? Kate: How I came across Elizabeth’s story is a little bit topsy turvy. Because I decided what I wanted to write about first, before I even knew her name. So I wrote The Woman They Could Not Silence because of the Me Too movement. And you probably remember how incredible that fall was, when everywhere women were speaking up against abuse and harassment. The Silencing Of Women Through History Kate: Crucially, people listened and believed us. And that got me thinking, well why has it taken so long, because it’s not like the fall of 2017 was the first time. That people had spoken out about these things. People took us seriously for the first time. I thought that for centuries, whenever women used our voices, we are called crazy. That is something that resonates with your audience so much. Because gaslighting and calling you mad is going on in relationships every single day. It happens also, I think, on a sort of political stage, you only have to look at Nancy Pelosi or any sort of public female political figures. She is called crazy because she speaks up and uses her voice. I decided to write about the way women are silenced through our mental health. I searched for a woman to whom that had happened, and found El

If you’re like many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, you’ve spent hours scouring the internet, researching why your husband has no empathy for you. Is it mental illness? A history of trauma? Is it physiological? Due to addiction or pornography use? Or is it a choice? Maybe he’s emotionally abusive? To discover if he’s using any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Nora is on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast with Anne, taking a deep dive into why some men abuse their partners. And refuse to connect in a compassionate, healthy way. All The (Wrong) Reasons… Many women in t have tried to find the cause for their partner’s cold, distant, abusive behaviors. That do not include abuse – hopeful that their partner can change or be fixed so that the marriage can stay intact. Therapists, clergy, internet research and others may point them in the direction of: Mental illness Addiction Alcoholism Anger problems Pornography use Personality disorders Childhood trauma Stress Poor examples of marriage/relationships While abusive men may have any combination of these. Abuse is a choice that men make – not a condition that they cannot control. So alcoholism, for example, may exacerbate abuse, but it is not the cause of abuse. Abusing You Is His Choice: Now What? Understanding that he is choosing to abuse you. Despite whatever his “reason” is or a “reason” his therapist may give you. Victims may feel trapped, wondering how to proceed. When a disorder, addiction, or other external issue is to blame, victims get distracted from their own emotional safety. Women seeking education regarding an abusive partner may benefit from these resources: Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast Transcript: What To Do When Your Husband Has No Empathy Anne: I have a member of our community on today’s episode. I’m going to call her Norine. She’s a victim of betrayal and emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. Her ex-husband is a former police officer and serving a sentence in federal prison after a child abuse material conviction. Sometimes people call that child pornography, but we know it’s child abuse material. Her ex-husband staunchly denied he knew anything about the abuse material on his computer, and insisted she was responsible for “planting it there.” Welcome. Norine. Norine: Thank you so much, glad to be here. Anne: As women are trying to figure out what is going on, like is he an addict, does he have a personality disorder? Sometimes CSAT therapists start start going down that path, so I think many women will be interested in your story. And the ways you have processed this. Norine: I’ve thought, you know, personality disorder, narcissism, abuser, and he was abusive. But at the time, I’d only done as much research as I could and loved him for as long as I wanted to fix things. He was involved in a shooting incident at work. As a person in law enforcement, I assumed PTSD, but he said, “No, you’re my problem.” Therapy & Misguided Support With Assessment Norine: So, my ex got his own therapist, wonderful, through work. He told them, I don’t need support, I need this because my wife is so awful to me. My husband had no empathy. That therapist even called me in to talk to me and didn’t believe me. He dismissed me. He invited me in and then didn’t want to hear from me. I think, again, he was looking for me to be the problem. There’s something wrong with her. He spent our entire marriage thinking any emotion I had was wrong, so I was just whining. And didn’t seem to understand that I had feelings, he had no empathy. He wasn’t capable of compromising often. Context blindness was another aspect, it was the forest for the trees issue, which he couldn’t see. He couldn’t see what I call the connective tissue between decisions we made or things we were arguing about. He cannot take responsibility for his own actions. That’s one of the primary issues. He believes he’s always right, despite plenty of evidence. I was hurt by the time he spent on his computer, even if I wasn’t aware of what he was doing. I was just trying to, it’s what everybody views as a label, but I wanted an answer, a reason. So I started with personality disorder. I said, can you look into this? I want to help him, I want our family back together. This wasn’t to label him and… Anne: It was to solve a problem. Norine: Right, the assessment I booked it and I paid for it. We drove to the assessment together. I went home with him. He Received A Diagnosis Norine: And yes, buying into this idea that oh, it’s a disorder. We can address this now, because we know what it is. I hadn’t identified it as abuse, from my point of view at that point. My husband

“Is my husband gaslighting me?” If you’ve asked yourself this question, here are three types of gaslighting to watch for. Dr. Robin Stern, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, details the three types of gaslighters and the tactics they use to make YOU feel crazy. To discover if you’re experiencing this type of gaslighting, take our free emotional abuse quiz. The Glamorous Gaslighter The glamorous gaslighter grooms victims by using manipulative kindness – a tactic that lures victims into believing they’re loved and safe. The Good Guy Gaslighter The good guy gaslighter uses covert abuse to condition everyone, including the victim, into believing that the victim is the problem, rather than his deceit and manipulation. The Intimidator Gaslighter The intimidator gaslighter uses overt verbal abuse, bullying, and physical abuse. If you need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. I Think My Husband Is Gaslighting Me Transcript: Is My Husband Gaslighting Me? Anne: I am delighted to have Dr. Robin Stern on today’s episode. She is the co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. And a senior consultant at the Yale New Haven Hospital. She is a licensed psychoanalyst with 30 years of experience treating individuals, couples, and families. She’s the author of The Gaslight Effect, How to Spot and Survive Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life, and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide Your Personal Journey Toward Healing from Emotional Abuse. Dr. Stern has been a guest on many local and national radio shows and has traveled widely to lecture on emotional intelligence, women in leadership, and relational bullying. Welcome, Dr. Stern. Dr. Robin Stern: Thank you so much, Anne. Thank you so much for having me on this show and for doing this work to help women. I’m delighted. Anne: Let’s start with the definition of gaslighting, because a husband gaslighting is crazy making. Since you’re the gaslighting expert. Dr. Robin Stern: So gaslighting is a form of manipulation in a power dynamic. Where the person more powerful seeks to sow seeds of doubt in the person less powerful, to lead them to question their memory, sanity, and character. Anne: What is their intent in doing this? Dr. Robin Stern: Most of the time gaslighters intent is to destabilize their gaslightee. To cause them to wonder if they’re going crazy, and stay connected to them. So that they, the gaslighter, become the source of stability and reality. And undermine the ground they’re standing on. Anne: Are you familiar with the Allegory of the Cave by Plato? Dr. Robin Stern: Yes, of course. Using The Allegory Of The Cave To Describe Gaslighting Anne: We use that allegory of the cave quite often, and instead of having the fire, and then people walking in between the fire with the shadows. We make the man the fire itself, and he’s holding up these objects. So basically, he wants to be the person who defines reality. Oh, one other thing, Dr. Stern. I talk in a gender segregated way, because this particular podcast is specifically for women who have been emotionally and psychologically abused by men. Dr. Robin Stern: That works for me, because even though gaslighting happens in any relationship, the pairing I’ve seen most often is where the man is the gaslighter and the woman is the gaslightee. Anne: So we use that allegory where he is setting himself up as the person who’s defining reality, keeping her oppressed, and stuck. And that’s interesting that you also say they want to define reality for this person. Dr. Robin Stern: More than that, in a moment of feeling out of control, a gaslighter will go to gaslighting to feel more cohesive, grounded, and in control. And so it’s not just, I want to do this. It’s I need to do this to feel in control of the moment and the relationship. Anne: Control, it always comes back to that. I have heard some people say, “Well, everyone gaslights, but just some people are more dangerous than others.” This example that maybe a mom might gaslight a child into, like, eating a salad. What would be the main difference between telling a child, like, “Oh, of course you like vegetables. Eat your vegetables.” When they’re like, I don’t like vegetables. What would be the difference between that and someone intentionally deceitful? The Husband Gaslighting Her Is Intentionally Deceitful Dr. Robin Stern: Just what you said. There is an intent to deceive to maintain control with a husband gaslighting.. And most importantly, it becomes the core dynamic of the relationship. In a moment, a mom might gaslight a child either to eat a salad or eat their vegetables. Or my favorite is when you go into a grocery store and you see a mom grab the child’s hand and say, “You’re not hungry, you’re tired.&#82

What is victim blaming? It’s when someone blames you instead of the person who harmed you. It’s a tactic used, not only by abusers, but also by everyone else. Victim blaming invalidates our experience as victims of emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. If you’re being blamed for your husband’s lies, manipulation, and infidelity, you need support. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. To discover if you are a victim of emotional abuse, take this free emotional abuse quiz. 7 Victim Blaming Examples In this episode, to answer the question, “What is victim blaming?” We’ll highlight seven victim blaming examples: Connection is the solution to addiction Reactive Abuse Drama Triangle Trauma Bonding Stockholm Syndrome Learned Helplessness Pro-dependency The Addiction Recovery Complex uses many of these victim blaming tropes to harm women. Here’s everything you need to know about victim blaming. Transcript: What Is Victim Blaming? Anne: Kate, you’re a member of our amazing community, and you see these themes come up over and over. Anne: Let’s start with number one, connection is the solution to addiction. What is victim blaming about this? 1: Connection Is The Solution To Addiction Kate: “The opposite of addiction is connection,” that is all crap. Connection will not heal or fix them. It’s not going to be, “If I connect with him more, he’s not going to be abusive.” That does not happen. They gave the example of rats addicted to cocaine. Then they put them in the other rat park, and suddenly the rat didn’t want the cocaine anymore. He wanted to be with other rats. That doesn’t happen in reality. If it did, most of our husbands would not be abusive. Because we’ve given them all the connection, attachment, and love in the world. And it doesn’t work. Anne: It doesn’t work because they’re not connect-to-able. It’s like you’re velcro and capable of connecting, and they’re a rock. But after that Ted Talk, where the guy says the opposite of addiction is connection. So many wives were like, oh, I can do that. “I can connect with him more.” That can solve our problem. This is what women need to know about their abusive husband’s therapist. Kate: It’s not even what wives interpreted. It’s literally what the guy in the TED Talk said. He gave examples of helping an addict and wiping the sweat off of his brow and blah, blah, blah. He made it seem like you just got to be there for them and help them through this. That does not work with sex addiction. Addicts Need To Learn How To Connect Anne: If the Ted Talk guy had said, “addicts need to learn how to connect, and until they stop using their drug, people who try to connect with them won’t be able to.” That would have been more accurate. You need to know that many CSAT therapists will blame the victim. Kate: That would have been much better. That’s not what he said sadly. Anne: It is victim blaming if anyone suggests you can fix him or help him by connecting with him, or his infidelity is because he feels shame. Just no, that’s not even possible if he’s not connect-to-able. And then we all know that if he’s connect-to-able, he starts making efforts to connect with you consistently over time. If he initiates it. If he starts the hard conversations, asks you how you’re doing, is vulnerable, is instigating all those things. That might be an indication. Kate: Sometimes wives feel like he was in this raging river, and it must have been so hard. You got to remind yourself that he jumped in that raging river. His choices led him there. If he does show up at the door, one way you might notice he is safe is if he is more vulnerable about his experience versus come rescue me. I need a towel. Anne: “Where’s dinner? Why isn’t dinner on the table? I can’t believe I was out there struggling for my life and you did not make dinner.” Kate: Yeah, instantly walk in there like, “I’m entitled, give me stuff.” So you already know, you’ve got connection, reactive abuse, the drama triangle, trauma bond, Stockholm syndrome, learned helplessness, and pro-dependency. All of these are victim-blaming. 2: What Is Victim Blaming? Reactive Abuse Anne: All right, let’s talk about “reactive abuse” next. What is victim blaming about reactive abuse? Many victims may have heard this term. Can you describe what it is and why it’s victim blaming? Kate: Let’s say a husband is standing in the doorway, a wife wants to get out, and she pushes him or throws stuff. They call that reactive abuse. You are reacting abusively. Or you were being mutually abusive. So he’s being abusive, and you’re being abusive. That whole thing is completely bogus, because of the intent behind it. If

Many women wonder, “Can trauma affect your sex drive?” Yes, trauma can have a profound impact. Especially if your partner emotionally traumatized you. It’s a basic fact that emotional abuse isn’t attractive. There are 19 different types of emotional abuse, to see if you’ve been experiencing any one of the 19 types, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 1. It’s Normal To Not Want physical contact When A Man Lied To You If your husband lied to you, of course, you’re not going to want to have contact. Healthy intimacy is based on trust and empathy. If he’s been lying to you about anything, that will affect your drive. However, if he’s been lying to you about his pornography use or his affairs, of course you won’t feel emotionally and physically safe with him. If you feel unsafe with your husband, learn more about this by listening to the FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. 2. Can Trauma Affect Your Drive? Yes, many women don’t understand the different types of trauma you may be experiencing. For example, some men traumatize their partners by not caring about her experience. If your husband has never cared if you enjoy it, or if you get anything out of it, that’s traumatizing. Why would any woman want to under those circumstances? It’s normal to not want to do something that isn’t enjoyable for you. And if your husband insists you owe it to him for whatever reason, that’s coercion. And coercion is an absolute turn off. It’s completely normal to not want to be intimate with someone manipulating and exploiting you. 3. Detaching From Your Body Is A Trauma Response If you find yourself numbing out or emotionally detached during just to get it over with, there’s a likelihood that the experience is abusive in nature. If he doesn’t care that you’re not engaged or that you have to detach to get through it, he doesn’t possess the empathy required to be a healthy partner. It’s normal to not want to have it with someone who doesn’t care about you. Whether you’ve experienced emotional, physical, or psychological trauma due to his emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, it’s normal to experience anxiety, dissociation, and even fear. You don’t owe anyone this for any reason. It’s not a crime to not want it. It’s not immoral or unethical to not want it. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to have it. He feels entitled to it with you, that is the problem. And is emotionally and psychologically abusive to manipulate you to do it when you don’t want to. In fact, it’s called coercion. It’s Not You—It’s Him Understand that couple therapy or improved communication won’t solve his abuse problems. It’s normal that your drive only comes online when you’re with someone who… is honest and transparent. Shows genuine empathy for your feelings. doesn’t exploit you emotionally or sexually. doesn’t objectify women through the use of exploitative material. Remember, it’s normal to be disgusted by someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive. If you’re navigating the impact of trauma on your sex life, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, and you’re not broken. Wondering, how can trauma affect me? Find support in our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: Can Trauma Affect Your Drive? Anne: It’s just me today. Many women ask, can trauma affect your sex drive? And the answer is, absolutely. And here are three things to know. If you’re listening and thinking when I found out about his use of exploitative material or affairs, I actually wanted to have it more. We will cover that in a different episode. Indiana Jones & Childhood Memories Anne: I grew up on Indiana Jones. In my home, we had a VHS player and a tape of Raiders of the Lost Ark. I think I recorded it off of TV. There’s a period of my life where every Saturday I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark via VHS. So I have a lot of this movie memorized. With this new Indiana Jones coming out, I’m so excited to see it. Of course, I’m going to be there. And I’m going to love it. But I have mixed feelings about Indiana Jones in terms of, maybe, how media and culture have affected my sexuality. And I say that because I’m not interested in getting married and dating. I’ll go on a date every once in a while, and I am noticing lately that I have more maybe interest. Betrayal Trauma Recovery. When I say that, I like a hundred percent of the time I’m not a hundred percent disgusted by it. And that did occur for a long time. I’m 90 percent disgusted by it 90 percent of the time. There’s like 10 percent where I’m like, oh, maybe I would want to have it again. And I feel like that 10 percent of the time. When that occurs is usually

We’d all like to believe that divorce stops abuse, but post separation abuse is so common. The truth is, abusers don’t stop wanting power over their victims, even after divorce. To learn if your ex-husband is continuing to abuse you after your separation or divorce, take my free emotional abuse test. What Is Post Separation Abuse? Post-separation abuse refers to the continuation of emotional, financial, and psychological abuse by an ex-partner after a relationship has ended. It can manifest in various ways, often leaving the victim feeling trapped and stressed. Understanding and identifying the signs of post-separation abuse is crucial for taking steps towards healing and protection. 1. USING THE LEGAL SYSTEM TO STAY IN CONTROL Post-separation abuse often is enabled by the court system that court orders women to co-parent with men who are manipulative and undermining them, lying to them. It causes so much chaos. He might be threatening to take you to court or using court orders that are meant to help you co-parent, to make things harder. 2. MAINTAINING FINANCIAL CONTROL Many men withhold things like child support or alimony so that you have to contact him to get it. That is actually a form of post-separation abuse, and they do it on purpose to make sure that they’re still relevant, that they can control what you’re doing so you have to be put through the wringer of contacting them every single time. 3. Manipulating Your Children’s Lives Post-separation abuse can also include creating chaos for your children in order to exert control over you. Such as, refusing to adhere to set schedules or neglecting to take your children to extracurricular activities. They may also send subtly intimidating emails. They are difficult to pinpoint as dangerous. But they intend to cause fear and anxiety. Get The Right Support while you are experiencing Post-separation abuse At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we recognize the difficulty of understanding post-separation abuse. And are dedicated to providing the support you need. Our community offers: Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions: Join one of our many group sessions for support, guidance, and understanding from women who have been through similar experiences. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Individual Sessions: Receive one-on-one attention and strategies tailored to your situation with our specially trained betrayal trauma coaches. Why Choose Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions? Expert Support: Our professional coaches experienced personal betrayal trauma. They are equipped to help you find peace and protection for yourself and your family. Accessible & Affordable: For just $125 a month, you have access to over 92 group sessions—providing real support at the cost of just one therapy appointment. Immediate Help: Attend a group session within hours and start receiving the support you need today. Take Action to Protect Yourself During Post-separation Abuse You don’t have to face post-separation abuse alone. Betrayal Trauma Recovery is here to help you take the steps necessary to protect yourself and your children. Attend a group session today, and join a community that understands your struggles and supports your healing journey. If you’re going through post-separation abuse, consider enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to learn the secrets of why an ex would continue to cause chaos after divorce. With Post Separation Abuse, Boundaries Are Key Boundaries help victims separate themselves from abusive behavior. Boundaries are not: Ultimatums Consequences for bad behavior Mechanisms to control another person’s behavior Instead, boundaries are courageous actions that victims take to ensure they are as protected as possible from harm. Setting and maintaining boundaries in a divorce is key to navigating post separation abuse. What Are Some Boundaries That Can Help Me Navigate Post Separation Abuse? Remember that boundaries aren’t going to stop your abuser from being abusive, but they are intended to limit your exposure to your ex-husband’s post separation abuse tactics. Some ideas of boundaries you can set and maintain include: Using a parenting communication app, like Our Family Wizard, as your sole mode of communication (consult with your attorney). Determining certain times of day, or days of the week, that you will check and respond to messages from your ex Bringing a family member or friend with you to drop off/pick up the children A Strong Support System Is Essential When Navigating Post Separation Abuse Post-separation abuse can sometimes feel overwhelming. It’s imperative that victims develop a strong support network. Post separation abuse victims can find support from: Safe family members The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Trauma-informed specialists, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coaches Transcript: The Truth About Post Separation Abuse Anne: What is post-separation abuse? Marcie’s

Fairy tales have harmed women for centuries. Fairy tales often vilify women’s anger, undermine their pursuit of financial independence, and set unrealistic expectations. These biases shift the focus from abusers to women, making them see themselves as the problem. Join Anne Blythe, M.Ed, Host and Jane Gillmore as they discuss misogyny and fairy tales. If you relate to any of this episode, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Fairy Tales Harmed Women: Vilification of Women’s Anger Society often labels women’s anger as overreacting, in stark contrast to men’s anger, which is seen as justified. This double standard shifts the focus from the abusers to the women, conditioning them to see themselves as the problem, rather than addressing the root cause of their frustration. Of course, women will be angry if they’re oppressed and abused! To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. Fairy Tales Have Harmed Women: Financial Independence Double Standard Women are often condemned for seeking financial independence, a desire celebrated in men. This contradiction highlights the gender bias in societal expectations, undermining women’s right to financial security and autonomy. The expectation for women to set boundaries calmly is unrealistic and unfair. It parallels the absurdity of asking women to call the police without anger if they witness a crime, illustrating how these societal scripts demand unrealistic levels of composure from women, even in distressing situations. Fairy Tales harm Women by Normalizing Misogyny Stories like “Beauty and the Beast” perpetuate misogynistic tropes by suggesting that men need women to become better people. This harmful narrative places undue responsibility on women for men’s behavior and personal growth. Which reinforces gender roles that confine women to supportive and transformative roles. Without considering their own needs for autonomy and respect. Transcript: How Fairy Tales Have Harmed Women Anne: I have Jane Gilmore on today’s episode. Jane is a writer, speaker, and feminist, and you can find her at janegilmore.com. Welcome Jane. Jane: Thank you. And it’s so lovely to be here. Anne: I love talking to you. Jane is on today to talk about her new book, Fairy Tale Princesses Will Kill Your Children. The Little Mermaid is a personal nemesis. So I wanted her to talk about this new book and how it can help all women who are going through abuse recognize it, set boundaries and get to safety. So let’s start, Jane, with what gave you the idea that this book needed to be written? Jane: Well, I’m living in Melbourne, and we had such a long lockdown during the first part of COVID. Like, basically two years we were in and out of lockdown. And you start going into weird places when you’re at home that long. I haven’t paid much attention to fairy tales since I was a kid. For some reason, I watched the Snow White movie on the Disney Channel. I was horrified. This is a children’s movie, mostly aimed at little girls, and the misogyny in it was so deep, but it was more than that. It was this idealization of women being not just helpless and submissive, but actively participating in other people abusing them. And I was thinking, oh, this is just because it’s old. This is not what they’re like. So I started looking into them and the five stories I chose for this book, which I retold. Along with an essay about why, were Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid. I show how fairy tales have harmed women. Themes In Fairy Tales Jane: And when I started looking into them, it was so clear that Snow White was about making other women the enemy, not men. Sleeping Beauty is obviously about consent. Cinderella is about women’s unpaid labor that we are supposed to do, not just uncomplaining, but enjoying our manipulation to serve mostly men. The Little Mermaid is about staying silent in the face of somebody, constantly diminishing you. Beauty and the Beast is coercive control. If you love him enough, he will turn into your handsome prince. This angry, dangerous, violent man just needs you to love him more. And if he doesn’t turn into your handsome prince, it’s your fault for not trying harder. And that’s what these fairy tales are about. They’re telling little girls that the way to be a good woman, a proper woman, a fairy tale princess that the defining characteristic is what they call unselfish. Which is to not ask anything for yourself, to not think that you deserve respect, kindness, agency, or money. That to even ask for those things, to even want those things, even if you don’t ask for them, makes you morally culpable. And you don’t see it when you first look at it because, Oh, aren’t they pretty? They get the handsome prince and everybody gets married and l

Emotional abuse affects your body in a variety of ways. Many women in The BTR.ORG Community have experienced devastating emotional, physical, and mental symptoms. Here’s Joyce’s story. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are here for you if you’re experiencing negative health affects of emotional abuse. Transcript: Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body Anne: I have a special friend who came to my house today. She is in my basement recording with me. We’re gonna call her Joyce. She’s a member of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, and I know her in real life. The story takes a dramatic turn. We’ll start with her story and then near the end we’ll talk about how all how emotional abuse affects your body and your health. When you met your husband, soon to be ex, Joyce how would you define his behavior? Joyce: We met on Tinder and I had actually canceled our first date because I was getting very exhausted by dating. But when I got home from my first date, I thought he was so nice because he told me that he had picked a smoothie place because it was public and it was short and there were cameras. He thought that would make women feel safe. In my mind, I thought, oh that is so considerate. This guy is looking out for women’s needs. Awesome. Anne: Man Joyce: Within a month, we were dating, and within three months, we were engaged. Anne: I, too, had a very quick engagement. Ah. Even First Time Emotional Abuse Affects Your Body Anne: When did you start recognizing that some of his behaviors weren’t what you were looking for? Joyce: You know, I struggle with ignoring my first instincts. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even while we were dating, there were times where I was like, that’s a little odd. I am better at doubting myself than doubting other people. I remember he got really angry at a bill on one of our dates. He thought they had overcharged us and he apologized to them after. It was not something I was comfortable with and didn’t really know how to address. If I’d known better or was more comfortable with accepting that something is a red flag, I would have made different choices. Even first time emotional abuse affects your body. Anne: We’ve all been there. You just don’t know what you don’t know, right? Right. Yeah. You get married and when you start recognizing things are really kind of strange, what reasons do you give for this behavior? Joyce: Yeah, it happened really fast. Honeymoon Red Flags Joyce: On our honeymoon, in fact, we went to Hawaii, his choice. At a restaurant, I ordered a ginger beer, which is a non alcoholic beverage, it reminded me of my childhood. My dad would get us ginger beer around Christmas, it was fun. The drink cost six dollars, it infuriated him that I had spent that kind of money on something. He wasn’t yelling, but he was very stern in the restaurant. When we got into the car, he wouldn’t speak to me. A tactic that he started using then and used throughout our marriage was to say, “Help me understand why you made that decision, Joyce. Why did you do that?” I said, “I don’t understand what the big deal is. I I don’t know when I’m coming to Hawaii again. It’s our honeymoon. I just thought it would be fun. Why you’re so upset about a drink.” He apologized. I think that’s one of the few times he apologized for an overreaction. I know it’s triggering to say overreaction, but it is actually an overreaction. Oh, for him, yeah. Joyce: Yes, for additional context, I paid for the meal. I was not putting an expense on him, I was paying for it. The next morning I was still feeling unsettled and anxious. He was still asleep. I went for a walk around the block and I thought, okay, this must be what marriage is like. It’s going to be fine. It was in fact, not fine. Anne: It was not fine, but you didn’t know that. Right, you didn’t know that. Marriage & Emotional Abuse Isolation Begins Anne: Did you tell anyone about this back then? Joyce: No. For context, this was his second marriage. He was married before, very briefly in his mid twenties. Other people potentially inferred he was the issue. He said he was very uncomfortable with us talking about things to other people. He started putting restrictions on what I could and couldn’t say to people very early on. The restrictions increased. Anytime he caught me talking to someone, or if I said anything out of line, it would result in a serious argument. Anne: Okay. An emotional abuse episode. But you didn’t know to call it that back then? No. Joyce: Yeah. Anne: What did you think about him? Did you think it was you? Did you think it was him? What was your thought process back then? Joyce: I one hundred percent thought it was me. Absolutely, I thought it was me. I’d never been in a long term relationship. He seemed more well spoken

In a world that has normalized explicit media and romanticizes unhealthy relationships, parents need to teach children about healthy relationships. Luckily, there are resources to help parents teach children about healthy relationships in a way that works for everyone. One of the first steps to teaching healthy relationships is to teaching about emotional abuse. If they understand emotional abuse, chances are they’ll avoid unhealthy relationships. To learn more about the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 3 Ways Parents Can Teach About Healthy Relationships When you teach children about healthy relationships, it’s important to ensure that the resources you use help your kids: Initiating open & honest conversations to teach children about healthy relationships. Conversations relating to various aspects of body image, the potential influence of media, and relationships. Teaching media literacy. As children and teens begin to understand the intents and impacts of the media, they may be better equipped to seek out and develop healthy relationships and a healthy understanding of intimacy. Emphasizing the importance of healthy relationships. In the BTR community, we understand how difficult it can be to teach children about healthy relationships when emotional & psychological abuse have been present in your home. However, Educate and Empower Kids has many resources available to help parents teach these concepts. Not only do they have incredible resources for children, but also for parents. Transcript: Teaching Children About Healthy Relationships Anne: I have Dina Alexander on today’s episode. She’s the founder and CEO of Educate and Empower Kids. That’s educateempowerkids. org. It’s an organization determined to strengthen families by teaching healthy intimate education. Including education about the dangers of exploitative media. She’s the creator of How to Talk to Your Kids About Pornography and The 30 Days of Sex Talks. She received a master’s degree in recreational therapy from the University of Utah and her bachelor’s from Brigham Young University. She tries to be a great mom and loves spending time with her family. We’re talking about how to teach children about healthy relationships. Welcome, Dina. Dina: Thank you. It’s great to be here. Anne: So Dina and I have known each other for a long time. We’re personal friends. We know each other in real life. And over the years, she has sent me all the books that Educate Empower Kids has produced. And my children love them. My daughter always pulls them out. I think she likes nonfiction better than fiction. Dina: She wants to figure out life, not just fantasy, right? Anne: My kids like them so much that I’m kind of sick of them. Isn’t that good? Dina: Yes, because we all have that as moms. You get this book, you love it. And then after the 10th time, you’re like, Oh my gosh. Anne: That’s how good they are. I’m like, do we have to read this body image book every night for four months, can we just read Little Red Riding Hood or something? And she’s like, no, we need to learn about positive body image. She’s seven years old. The Popularity of Educate Empower Kids’ Books Dina: She’ll never regret it though. As an adult, she can say to her friends that still all hate their bodies. Wait, didn’t your mom talk to you about this? And then be sad for her friends, whose moms did not teach them to care for their bodies and love them as they should. Anne: So they’re that good. They’re that good that even when I’m sick of them, my kids still want to read them. So that I think is like the biggest endorsement there is. Dina: That’s hilarious. I love it, love it. Anne: So, Educate Empower Kids just came out with a new edition of 30 Days of Talks. It has the same topics, but it’s more in depth. Can you talk about the feedback you received between the first and second edition, and why you decided a second edition was important? Dina: We did a couple of updates over the years, just fixing some language. We find that these topics still intimidate parents. So helping them understand that they are the best source of information, right? None of us have to be experts, but that you as the parent love your kids more than anybody else. And so part of it is helping parents realize you can have these conversations. Also just giving a little more background, each layout has more information. That doesn’t mean you have to cover every piece. You’re going to see some of it, like where you’re going to go, okay, I’ve covered a couple of those. Oh, but there are five more pieces that I can add if I want to prepare and empower my child with knowledge. Challenges Parents Face in Discussing Intimacy Anne: My situation is a little different, because I do this for a living,