Betrayal Trauma Recovery

If you’ve endured repeated betrayal from your husband, you’re not alone. Many women in our community have faced the long-term effects of emotional abuse in their marriage. Florence, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, a victim of her husband’s emotional abuse for over 40 years, shares her story. If you relate, consider attending on of our daily online support groups TODAY. The Long-Term Effects Of Emotional Abuse Being in an emotionally abusive relationship for a prolonged period often leaves women feeling deep loss and regret. We tend to reflect on the years spent enduring mistreatment, unaware of the full extent of our husband’s harmful behavior. This realization can lead to feelings of missed opportunities, wondering what life might have been like. The long-term emotional impact includes grief over lost time and the struggle to reclaim their sense of self and hope for the future. The effects of emotional abuse, can be felt long term and include: Panic Grief Devastation Anger Fury Fear Terror Apathy Guilt Shame Loneliness To know if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: Long-Term Effects of Emotional Abuse in Relationships Anne: I’m honored to have a member of our community on the podcast today. We’re going to call her Florence. She’s 75 years old. She’s experienced over 40 years of betrayal trauma. She discovered her husband’s infidelity just 3 days after their wedding. She is strong, insightful and courageous. Florence, can you talk about your first reaction finding out about your husband’s double life? Florence: My first reaction was devastation and fear. Back in those days, women didn’t have the same options as they do today. I had just moved my two daughters and myself to a new location where I had no friends or associates. And very little opportunity to find gainful employment to support myself. In doing so, I had cut off any support systems that I might’ve had, and I was really on my own. Additionally, I didn’t know that this was the start of long-term effects of emotional abuse. Anne: So were you married before this? Florence: I was, this was my second marriage. And I had two daughters; they were five and eight. I went deep into a place of trying to comprehend. At that time in my life, I didn’t call myself a spiritual person. In fact, I did not have a religious persuasion, and I found myself searching. To do that, I did what I think many people do. What I’ve read is that they explore with their spouse. And try to figure out what their spouse is looking for and needing. And of course, that leads one into probably the darkest places on earth, because it’s a world of debauchery. It didn’t take me long to figure out that was not for me. “He apologized and swore that he would never make those choices again.” Florence: I had to make a heartfelt decision and tell my husband that I could not live that kind of life. In fact, it was not the right thing for me at all. It hurt my heart. It didn’t help my heart, and he apologized and swore he would never make those bad choices again. And we started over until the next time. And the next time I became aware of his activities, I knew enough to go for help. Then we both went through a lot of counseling. It came trailing back in. And the problem was that I didn’t realize he had regressed back to those activities. I was only experiencing the negative behavior and the abuse. Which after 20, 25, 30 years of marriage, you get to the point where you do your own thing, you make the best of it. Because I experienced the long-term effects of emotional abuse in rmy marriage. And if somebody wants to be a damn fool and act like a child. Let them be a damn fool and act like a child. You just can’t let that run your life. Anne: Did you know you were being abused? Or did you think of it as … Florence: I knew I was abused and I knew he was sick. I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, because the last year has been a year of repeated difficulties and such a challenge. And I remember when my youngest daughter was 15 years old, and she and I took a trip out west. “I became aware of the fact that nobody would believe me.” Florence: We visited a childhood friend of mine. And he asked me face-to-face, “What’s wrong? You’re not right.” I said, “Well, my husband isn’t right, he’s sick.” I didn’t elaborate on it. How could I? I didn’t have the words for it. I remember thinking many years later, the only people I could tell were people I’d known for a long time. Who actually had some confidence in me, because I became aware that nobody would believe me. People will say, “Oh, he’s so charming. Oh, he’s such a sweet man.” And he is. He’s a beguiling, needful chi

If you’re wondering, “Is my relationship safe?” It’s important to look at patterns of abusive behavior. Physical abuse never happens without emotional abuse, so the first step is to understand the patterns of emotional abuse. To discover if your husband is using any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. This Is the Second Episode With Dave CawleyWarning Signs Your Husband Is Dangerous – Susan’s Story With Dave CawleyPatterns To Look Out For In Your Relationship (THIS EPISODE) Transcript: Is My Husband Abusing Me? Anne: I’ve invited Dave Cawley, an investigative journalist and host of the Cold podcast, back on today’s episode. We have already talked about season one of the Cold Podcast, which we re-aired last week. He calls that episode Signs your Husband might kill You. It’s important for every woman experiencing emotional and psychological abuse to recognize it, and know is my husband abusing me? Because physical abuse never happens in a vacuum. Dave and I will talk as if you’ve heard all the Cold podcasts, seasons one, two, and three. And if you haven’t, don’t worry. You’ll still benefit from listening to our analysis as we discuss the themes of all three seasons. Welcome Dave. Dave: Thank you so much, Anne. I appreciate being with you. Anne: So the three seasons of the Cold podcast, Dave, you cover in season one, the murder of Susan Powell. In season two, the Murder of Joyce Yost. And in season three, the murder of Sheree Warren. And you started season three by introducing us to a man named Cary Hartman. You describe his abusive behavior toward women in the form of what some people might call prank phone calls. Law enforcement called it an obscene phone call. Really, these phone calls abused the women who received them. Even if they didn’t realize it. And even if they didn’t define it that way. Can you talk about why these abusive phone calls define Cary’s character? Dave: Sheree Warren disappears in October of 1985. She was dating this man, Cary Hartman at the time, and at first Cary Hartman is not on the radar of the investigators. Cary Hartman’s Criminal Activities Dave: Police identified Cary Hartman as a suspect in a series of home invasion assaults a year and a half later. Where he literally breaks into women’s homes and attacks them, raping them. And so I actually start this story way before we ever meet Sheree with Cary Hartman’s first arrest in 1971. Where he makes one of these calls, he tells this woman, basically a threat, that if he she will be harmed if he doesn’t get what he wants. And to your point, Anne, she was a victim. He abused abused her, right? Anne: Yeah, at the time you interviewed her, did she recognize she was a victim of his abuse? Or did she just think like, oh, a criminal called me and I helped the police identify this guy? Dave: At this point in her life, she was I wanna say about 86 years old when I interviewed her. Heidi Posnien, she’s an amazing woman, but her life experience was so different. I mean, she literally survived Berlin at the end of World War II as a child. And so her perception of how much risk she may or may not have been in at the time. I think it is different than you or I in the same situation. And I think like many victims of abuse, she doesn’t like thinking about whether her husband is abusing her. When I sat down and interviewed her about it, it brought up bad memories even after all these years. It brought up emotions that she was uncomfortable with. You do this kind of thing. Systemic Issues In Recognizing Abuse Dave: Every day Anne, talking to people who have been through abuse. You know how difficult those conversations are. I was grateful Heidi was willing to take us there for the story. Because it allows the listener to begin to see the bigger picture. Like, what are the systemic things that are taking place in our society? That caused these kinds of things to be brushed off? It’s a minor crime, voyeurism, telephone harassment and nothing serious. Anne: He has all these abusive episodes. Law enforcement doesn’t define them that way. There’s a difference between an obscene phone call, which is what they had written on their documents, right? And an abusive phone call. Like when people say something like, one out of every four women are domestic abuse victims in the state of Utah. Then women wonder is my husband abusing me and if so how do I divorce an abusive husband? They’re not saying a man abuses one out of every four women in the state of Utah. Dave: Yeah, that’s a great point. I think, the investigators at the time, thought they caught him. He’s shamed, he’ll change. And if you have that perspective in law enforcement, you’ve gotta step back and look at it and say pattern wise, like what is happening here? And with Car

If you’re searching for warning signs your husband is dangerous it’s important to know that many victims “only” experience emotional abuse until . . . Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, talks to Dave Cawley, host of the Cold podcast series, about the Susan Powell case, empowering victims to protect themselves and seek safety now. This Is the First Episode With Dave CawleyWarning Signs Your Husband Is Dangerous – Susan’s Story With Dave Cawley (THIS EPISODE)Patterns To Look Out For In Your Relationship Abuse Doesn’t Always Mean Physical Battering Many abuse victims do not have proof. They don’t have bruises or broken bones to show the world that their partner is abusing them. Instead, their bruises and brokenness are hidden beneath the surface. They can be found in the way they doubt their own worth, in the way they feel they are responsible for their husband’s choices. Other forms of abuse, just as serious as physical battering, include: Emotional abuse Psychological abuse Financial abuse Sexual abuse Sexual Coercion Spiritual abuse Covert physical abuse Like many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community, Susan Powell was not a victim of physical battering, as far as experts can tell. But she suffered deeply from the abusive behaviors of her husband, Josh. To see if you’re a victim of this type of abuse, take our Emotional Abuse Quiz. Susan Powell’s Story Teaches Us That Victim-Blaming Harms Questions and statements like: If it was so bad, why didn’t she leave? It takes two to tango Why did you push his buttons? Why don’t you work harder on making sure he’s happy? He’s not hitting you, are you sure it’s abuse? Even after Susan Powell’s ten year disappearance, many still blame her subtly by asking, “If it was so bad, then why did she stay?” As Dave says, the societal focus should be on why so many men are abusing women, not why women are staying in abusive relationships. Susan Powell’s Story Teaches Us That Anyone Can Be A Victim Josh Powell was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, even those who are not diagnosed with NPD can be narcissistic abusers. The mental and emotional toll that narcissistic abuse takes on victims is extreme. Becoming educated about narcissistic abuse. And protecting themselves through effective boundaries can help women find safety from this insidious form of abuse. 3 Tips For Seeking Safety From Abuse Trust your gut. If it feels like something is off, it probably is. Don’t ignore that feeling. You have more support than you realize. A lot of times, we don’t recognize how strong and wide our network is. Reach out, you might be surprised. If you leave, you’re going to be okay. It’s scary to leave, but it’s not as scary as you probably think, once you’re on the other side. Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group meets multiple times a day and offers women a community of supportive, validating, and knowledgeable women to help them find safety from betrayal and abuse. Join today and share your story, process your trauma, ask hard questions, and vent painful feelings. Transcript: Warning Signs Your Husband Is Dangerous Anne: I recorded this interview in 2019. At a very intense time during my ex-husband’s post-separation abuse. I interviewed Dave Cawley, host of the cold podcast. And I want to give a shout out. He was so willing to listen to me back in 2019. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for using the interview to learn more about my story and other victims. I genuinely felt like he cared about me personally and that he cared for all victims. So thank you to Dave Cawley and all men who are standing up for abuse victims. Dave is a graduate of the University of Utah’s journalism school. And then went to work as a field reporter in Salt Lake City. Dave joined KSL. And then in 2018, he moved into a new role as executive producer of digital content. On December 14th, 2018. KSL and Dave launched the podcast series Cold. The first season focused on the unsolved disappearance of Susan Powell. That story was close to Dave because he reported on Susan’s suspected murder from the beginning in December 2009. And continues to dig for new details. Cold reached number one on the Apple podcast chart on the day of its release. Welcome, Dave. Dave: Thanks, Anne. I really appreciate being on. My Personal Connection To Susan’s Story Anne: The story of Susan Powell broke the year after I was married. I got married in 2008. And so in 2009, when Susan first went missing, I closely followed the story. I had a sense at that time that something was wrong in my own marriage. I wouldn’t say at the time that I could comprehend what was happening, or even verbalize that my husband was abusive. Something about Susan’s story was calling to me. On the day Josh murdered his sons and proved himself a murderer, I was at a family dinner wi

It’s shocking how common financial abuse in divorce is. Here are the best ways to protect yourself. Divorce is hard. If you’ve been married to a narcissistic abuser, it can feel even more impossible to break free. These individuals often don’t stop their controlling behavior after a divorce is filed. Instead, they escalate their attempts to assert power. One of the most common—and devastating—ways narcissistic abusers do this is through financial abuse. If you’re a woman divorcing a narcissist, it’s vital to understand how financial abuse works and how to protect yourself. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. What Is Financial Abuse in Divorce? Financial abuse is an abuser’s way of gaining and maintaining power by controlling access to money and resources. During a divorce, this often includes tactics like withholding financial support, hiding assets, or intentionally complicating legal and financial processes. To wreak havoc on their victim’s stability. The abuse doesn’t necessarily stop after divorce—it can take on new, cruel forms, keeping victims entangled in elaborate schemes long after ties should have been cut. Why Do Narcissists Use Financial Abuse In Divorce? Narcissistic abusers are motivated by control. They want to undermine your autonomy, manipulate your decisions, and make you dependent on them. Anne Blythe, the founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, explains it clearly, “Narcissistic abusers are very calculated. They control where, when, and how they show their true colors. At home, they ‘lose their temper.’ Outside of it, they maintain a polished, socially acceptable image. Financial abuse is yet another method for them to assert power at your expense.” When you understand that financial abuse stems from their need for control—not because of your mistakes or shortcomings—you’re better equipped to set boundaries and protect your well-being. Financial Abuse In Divorce Tactics Financial abuse takes many forms. These are some of the most common examples of what narcissists might do to use financial abuse in divorce proceedings to maintain control over your life: 1. Hiding Income or Assets An abuser may attempt to conceal money, savings accounts, or investments to make it appear as though they have less than they do. This could limit the entitled financial settlement. One victim shared, “He told us he was so poor that our church had to pay his mortgage and car payment—almost $2,000 a month. But when my lawyer looked at his financial records, we found out the truth. He spent thousands of dollars on alcohol and other bad stuff, and even putting a lot of money into his retirement account while pretending he had no money.” 2. Cancelling Credit Cards or Withholding Financial Support It’s not uncommon for abusers to cancel shared credit cards or refuse to pay child or spousal support during the divorce process, leaving victims unable to meet daily expenses. 3. Overwhelming With Legal Delays Dragging out divorce proceedings is another method of control. By filing unnecessary motions, refusing to negotiate, or missing deadlines, abusers increase costs and prolong the emotional strain to maintain dominance. 4. Sabotaging Employment Some women report that abusers interfere with their ability to work—such as creating emotional stress, harassing them at work, or withholding child care arrangements—to keep them dependent on the abuser’s finances. The abuser uses these tactics to exhaust you, and designed to make you feel stuck. The good news? You can overcome them. 5. Manipulating Child Visitation They might withhold child support payments or use visitation schedules to intentionally disrupt your financial planning. What It Feels Like Post-divorce financial abuse can feel relentless. Another victim of financial abuse after divorce said. “For over two years, I dealt with him purposefully withholding child support and blocking me from accessing what the court decided was mine.” How To Protect Yourself From Financial Abuse Protecting yourself from financial abuse requires awareness, preparation, and boundaries. Here are the most effective actions to take: Work With a Trusted Family Lawyer: Hire an experienced lawyer who understands financial abuse. They can help you subpoena records like bank statements and tax returns, ensuring hidden assets don’t slip through the cracks. Discuss protective measures like restraining orders, mediation, or legally established limits with your divorce attorney. These can stop further harassment or financial tampering. Collect and Organize Financial Documentation: Gather everything—pay stubs, credit card statements, bank records, tax returns, and more. Keep copies in a secure, private location or store them digitally for easy access. Open Individual Accounts: Set up a personal checking and savings account in your name. Immediately update your paycheck direct deposits and remove your abuser’s access to shared acco

By the time many women find Betrayal Trauma Recovery they’ve already spent years trying to get answers to the reasons behind their husband’s betrayal. They’ve gone to couples counseling, addiction therapy, or programs focused on marriage therapy for infidelity, hoping a professional will finally uncover the whole truth. Even if you’ve never formally tried marriage therapy for infidelity, you may still recognize the experience of trying to piece together what really happened. You’re probably asking questions like: “Did you have an affair?” “When did it start?”“Is there more that you’re not telling me?” Therapists in recovery programs like these sometimes use a tool called a therapeutic disclosure. The idea is that a therapist guides the couple through a structured process to uncover the “root cause” of the husband’s behavior and document his history of addiction, secrecy, and infidelity. In theory, this is supposed to bring the full truth into the open. On the surface, that sounds reasonable: stop “trickle truth” and finally give the betrayed wife the answers she needs. But when deception or abuse are already part of the relationship, therapeutic disclosures used in marriage therapy for infidelity can actually create new risks instead of bringing real clarity. To see if any of the things he’s disclosing qualify as emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Below are five reasons therapeutic disclosures used in marriage therapy for infidelity can delay safety. 1. Marriage Therapy for Infidelity Often Starts by Asking a Liar to Tell the Whole Truth Many therapy models frame infidelity primarily as addiction, shame, or a relationship issue that needs healing. But when deception, coercion, and emotional abuse are present, the core problem may not be addiction or communication. The issue may be exploitation and manipulation. When therapy focuses on uncovering the psychological “why” instead of addressing ongoing deception, the betrayed wife can remain exposed to the same harmful patterns while waiting for the process to work. 2. Manipulation Can Continue Inside Marriage Therapy for Infidelity Being in marriage therapy for infidelity does not automatically stop harmful behavior. A man who has been deceptive, coercive, or controlling can bring those same patterns into recovery programs or counseling environments. If the underlying issue is character rather than coping skills, therapy can become another environment where manipulation continues, sometimes with new language and new tools. The presence of a therapist does not automatically create safety. 3. Therapeutic Disclosures in Marriage Therapy for Infidelity Can Miss the Real Problem: Emotional Abuse Because therapeutic disclosures often keep women in close proximity to emotional abuse, it’s important to understand how manipulation can continue during the process. Abusive men often use “trickle truth,” revealing small pieces of information over time. What looks like honesty can actually be a calculated way to control the situation and prolong the manipulation. Emotionally abusive men aren’t abusive simply because of trauma or shame. Abuse is a choice. Many people experience trauma or struggle with shame and choose healthier ways to cope—exercise, hobbies, talking to friends. Abuse is one option among many, and it’s a deliberate one. Therapy is meant to explore why someone behaves the way they do. But with an emotionally abusive man, the search for a “root cause” can become another opportunity for manipulation. He may offer explanations or excuses that shift the focus away from his behavior. Instead of bringing clarity, the process can leave both the therapist and the wife chasing reasons while the abuse continues. In situations like this, it’s often safer for the betrayed wife not to participate in the abusive partner’s therapy process at all. 4. Marriage Therapy for Infidelity Can Teach a Manipulator How to Sound Empathetic If a man is lying, marriage therapy for infidelity can backfire. Instead of creating honesty, it can give him new language to manipulate you more effectively. In many recovery programs, therapists teach things like empathy statements or communication tools meant to help him express remorse. But if he isn’t actually empathetic, those tools can make the situation worse. He may learn how to sound understanding without truly changing his behavior. Before, you might have been able to tell when he lacked empathy. After therapy, he may simply have better words to hide it. 5. Therapeutic Disclosures in Marriage Therapy for Infidelity Can Prolong Manipulation The process of crafting a therapeutic disclosure in marriage therapy for infidelity can take months or even years. And he’s likely going to manipulate you throughout the entire process, so it just prolongs his manipulation. Instead of convincing a husband to do a therapeutic disclosure, women who experience betrayal can focus on their own

Hidden abuse is characterized by lies and manipulation, and it causes trauma that’s hard to recognize. To discover if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of hidden abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. This episode follows Penny’s StoryHow to Start to Heal From Emotional Abuse – Penny’s StoryHealing Trauma From Hidden Abuse – What Gets In Our Way? – Penny’s Take (THIS EPISODE) What Is Hidden Abuse? One of the biggest obstacles in healing trauma from hidden abuse is understanding what’s happening to you. The constant barrage of lies and manipulation from the abuser can make it incredibly difficult for women to see the reality of their situation. Gaslighting, a common tactic, can distort a woman’s perception of reality, making her doubt her judgment and experiences. Traditional therapists, clergy, and even well-meaning friends and family may not recognize hidden abuse for what it is. Barriers To Discovering Hidden Abuse: Lack of Understanding: Many women fail to recognize lies, pornography use, and infidelity as forms of emotional and psychological abuse. Misguided Strategies: Conventional advice focuses on improving communication and forgiveness rather than educating about abuse and implementing safety strategies. Isolation: Feeling misunderstood leads to social withdrawal, making it harder to seek support. Being Dismissed: Without a supportive network that acknowledges abuse, women begin to question their experiences and feelings. Stigma: Fear of judgment and the stigma of “giving up on the relationship” or not being a good wife prevents women from seeking emotional safety. Guilt and Shame: Self-blame (or being blamed by the abuser) stops women from reaching out for help. Trying to Fix Yourself: Believing the problem lies within themselves keeps women from finding emotional safety. Confusion: Manipulation tactics like gaslighting cause confusion and self-doubt. Entrapment: Continued manipulation leaves women feeling trapped. Pressure to Reconcile: Cultural and religious norms prioritize preserving the marriage over individual well-being. When You Go For Help, But They Don’t Identify Hidden Abuse If you’ve tried to figure out what’s going on and you haven’t been able to feel more emotionally safe, there is help. The Free Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast helps women learn more about how to spot hidden abuse. Healing Trauma From Hidden Abuse IS Possible If you’re struggling to heal the trauma from hidden abuse, consider attending a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY and take the first step toward a brighter, healthier future. Transcript: Healing Trauma From Hidden Abuse Anne: Penny is back on today’s episode. You can find her story in an episode called How to Start to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Penny’s story. We wanted to talk about the aftermath of emotional abuse, how it’s misunderstood by people in general, and how to face that. So welcome back, Penny. Penny: Thank you. Thank you for having me. Anne: So this type of hidden abuse where you don’t have someone charged with domestic violence. Why do you think it’s so hard for people to understand what it takes to heal trauma from hidden abuse? Penny: Yeah, I think like you said, they don’t see any bruises, scars, or black eyes. We want to fit in and be accepted. We don’t want to be different. And so we look normal on the outside, but the inside is where the pain, results, and leftover baggage from emotional abuse is. Things like fear, anxiety, and unsureness. Am I doing the right thing? Am I saying the right thing? And so this kind of stuff lingers with a person for a long time, or at least in my case, a very long time. And still does, even though I’ve been working on recovery for decades. Anne: Yeah, the lack of self confidence is due to emotional abuse, because that was the purpose of the emotional abuse. This is why it’s so important to find a betrayal trauma support group. For years, someone intentionally undermined your sense of self, and also purposefully undermined your, I call it a sacred internal warning system, where you know something’s wrong. Rebuilding Self-Identity Anne: You’re trying to resist something that’s harming you. You don’t have the words to describe it. You’re going to the person who is harming you and telling him, “You’re harming me”, but he already knows. He knows he’s exploiting you. So he takes that as a cue, “Okay, I need to undermine her sense that something’s wrong.” Otherwise, I’m not able to exploit her.” So it doesn’t help to share your feelings with him. He purposefully erodes your sense of self over time. And when you’re safe from the abuse and not exposed to it anymore, rebuilding that sense of self is such a process. Penny: Part of the emotional abuse I was put through was w

Is it possible to heal from emotional abuse and betrayal trauma? Everyday, brave women resist in a variety of ways. Penny shares her story of how she resisted abuse and finally was able to heal from emotional abuse. Attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today to share your story with other women who have endured the same type of emotional and psychological abuse and begin healing from emotional abuse TODAY. This episode follows Penny’s StoryHow to Start to Heal From Emotional Abuse – Penny’s Story (THIS EPISODE)Healing Trauma From Hidden Abuse – What Gets In Our Way? – Penny’s Take Transcript: How To Heal From Emotional Abuse Anne: I have Penny Lane on today’s episode. She’s a writer, wife, and mother with an insatiable passion for life and books. Originally from Queens, she loves being outdoors. Cycling, hiking, traveling, and connecting to and inspiring people. She has a master’s degree in industrial and organizational psychology from Golden State University. And in her spare time, she helps underserved youth learn to read, apply to college and find jobs. Penny’s Journey Healing From Emotional Abuse And Helping Others Anne: Her book, Redeemed, A Memoir of a Stolen Childhood, she recounts how she was pressured into marriage and endured years of forced confessions, Salem style accusations, secretive disciplinary actions, and excommunication. Penny finally reached her breaking point, and we’re going to talk about her story today. Welcome, Penny. Penny: Thank you for having me. Anne: Why do you feel it’s important for you to speak out about your abuse and write this memoir? Penny: For one, I feel compelled to write it. Because I met a lot of people who have childhood trauma of different sorts and they tend to be ashamed of it. And the opposite is actually true. When we talk about it is when we begin to heal from emotional abuse, find relief, solace and community. I think it is important to write my story to remove some of the stigma involved with abuse or trauma. It will help others heal from emotional abuse as well. Anne: You were coerced into marrying your husband. Can you talk about the abuse that led to that and then also the abuse that you experienced from him? No Opportunity To Heal From Emotional Abuse From Childhood Penny: I was a 16 year old runaway when I met my husband. He was my boss. I worked at an IHOP as a waitress and he quickly saw that I was a very hard worker. He promoted me and then took me out on dates . Because I was a runaway, you know, it was basically living with a family and paying rent. I had no time to heal from the emotional abuse from my upbringing. Pretty soon he said, why don’t you move in with me? Then I was working for him and living with him. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t have any family because I was a runaway. He started asking me to work more hours. At first I said yes, because he paid me a little bit extra and I made a lot of money waitressing. It was great. But then he wouldn’t take no for an answer. Let’s say I worked three double shifts in a row. Even though I was 16, it’s exhausting to be on your feet in a very fast moving restaurant for 12 hours, 14 hours a day. I tried to say, no. I’m too tired. Get someone else. And he’d say, this wasn’t a question. You need to get to work. Be there in five minutes or I’m coming to pick you up in five minutes. Manipulation and Control Anne: How old was he? Penny: He was six years older than me. He was 23, he left college, and was a restaurant manager for four or five years before I met him. So he was managing a staff of 30 or 40 people in a very busy, high revenue restaurant in a busy location. And he was domineering. A little while after we started dating, he started disappearing and I didn’t know where he was. The girls I worked with said, Oh, he’s got another girlfriend, blah, blah, blah. You know, I didn’t think that was true. Half of you doesn’t believe and half of you does. Religious Pressure Penny: So one time I went along with him to where he was going, because he said he was going to church. I thought, this guy gambles, drinks, curses and I didn’t think he was a very honest guy. And I didn’t think he would possibly be going to church. So I went along with him. And he had indeed gone to church. He went to a very fundamentalist, Bible believing, evangelical type church. This was in the 70’s, and it was quite emotionally wrought. The services were long and drawn out. At the end of the service, there was a call to walk the aisle, to accept Jesus as your personal savior. I wanted nothing to do with that. I thought it was totally weird. Besides, I had just run away from home. I didn’t want to belong to something else. I wanted to be free. Anne: Were you raised religious at all? Penny: No, I was born Catholic and communion at 12, under duress. I didn’t know anything

Making the decision to divorce is a challenging time for any woman who is facing her husband’s addiction or emotional abuse. Anne Blythe, M.Ed. and Caroline talk about complexities surrounding her decision to divorce, shedding light on the profound impact of her husband’s pornography addiction. If you’re struggling with the impact of your husband’s addiction, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Secret Pornography Use in Marriage Caroline’s journey began with awareness of her husband’s secret explicit online materials use, a revelation that unfolded over the course of their relationship. Initially, she had difficulty articulating the reasons behind her divorce. One critical element in Caroline’s journey is the revelation that addiction is not isolated; it often fuels other destructive and abusive behaviors. She enrolled in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine her husband’s true character, and began using emotional and psychological safety strategies. Seeing Red Flags “Too Late” Many victims of betrayal and abuse can identify red flags after they’re already married or pursuing separation or divorce. Often, those who don’t understand abuse will covertly blame victims for identifying red flags “too late” or choosing to “ignore” red flags. It’s important to understand that most abusers are master-manipulators and mimic healthy behaviors to lure victims in. If you are now identifying red flags, please understand that it isn’t your fault for “not seeing them sooner.” To know if you’re seeing red flags in your marriage, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: Making The Decision To Divorce Anne: I have Caroline on the podcast today. She is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery client who recently made the decision to divorce. So we’ll talk to her about her experience. Welcome Caroline. What is your response when people ask you why you divorced? Caroline: Although I knew about my husband’s addiction from the beginning, I didn’t know what that entailed. Anne: Is it a triggery experience to talk about it with people wondering why you got divorced? Caroline: It’s definitely like a panic zone, because you don’t know how people react. Some people are educated on addiction, and others believe it’s normal. So the reactions vary. It’s only been in the past few months that I feel like I can actually say the word pornography when talking about my divorce. Anne: You mentioned you knew about his use while you were dating. Or before you married. Did you see any other red flags? Caroline: As I thought about it post divorce. I was surprised at how many silent red flags in my relationship there actually were. Some of those narcissistic traits were that our dates were always extremely lavish and expensive. And it seemed he just had untapped funds from the get go, date one. He would hardly give me any time alone. And always stayed by me, knowing what I was up to, surprise visits. He would fake sick at work just to come see me. It seemed like he almost forced himself into my life. And he flattered me at the time, I thought, wow, this guy likes me. He’s so cute, he’s got all this money. He’s got a good job. But now I see it as him controlling and insecure, and kind of practicing those narcissistic traits. The Illusion Of A Perfect Partner: Love Bombing Caroline: Yeah, he was a strong member of his church until a few months before we met. And he said a lot about his inactivity in the church. He made a lot of excuses. Like how they treated him unfairly. He undermined his parents while still having them in the palm of his hand. He constantly seeks praise and validation, down to like the littlest things. If he wiped off the counter, he would say, hey look, look what I did, I wiped off the counter. Just fed off of what other people thought of him constantly. Anne: I was just thinking about my ex. He contacted some people in my life. Because he was trying to find information about filing taxes before we divorced while we separated. He said things like I love Anne so much. I need to make sure I do this for her. And how amazing he was for filing the taxes. Like he felt like he needed tons of praise for just like everyday normal things. That literally he had to do, like if he hadn’t done it, he would have been breaking the law. And it’s like, you’re not going to get a ton of praise for filing your taxes. Every person has to do that. Like, I don’t know why you’re the hero for filing taxes. Women need education about narcissistic behaviors that is super important, especially if they are making the decision to divorce. So that they can know, that was not a man being completely and totally in love with me. That is love bombing. That’s about them, not about me. This is an unsafe situation.

Did you know that it’s considered child abuse to expose a child to inappropriate media? Here’s how to protect children from online threats. To discover if you’re emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse quiz. When A Child Is Exposed To Online Dangers A child’s accidental exposure to online inappropriate material. It traumatizes children who view it. They need immediate trauma-focused care to process and heal. Trauma from exposure can affect children in many ways. Often, traumatized children experience: Sleep disturbances including nightmares and insomnia Mood swings and behavioral issues Somberness, sadness Preoccupation with sexuality Fear and anxiety about safety You Can Set Boundaries To Protect Young Kids From Online Threats Courageous women who face the devastation of betrayal trauma, emotional abuse, and betrayal can find help, healing, and support as they set and maintain boundaries that keep their children safe from exploitative media. An example of a boundary that would protect women and children from the chaotic harm and abuse of exploitative media use. Is asking the user to relocate to a different living space. So that his material cannot harm anyone in the family. You Can Be Proactive In Teaching Children About Online Harms Often, children have a trauma response. All children exposed to it are abuse victims. They should be treated with compassion, respect, and the intentional care that any trauma victim would receive for abuse. In addition to trauma-focused care, women may find resources helpful in helping their children understand the truths about it. The book Good Pictures, Bad Pictures may help teach children about it. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions offer support, validation, and community to women all over the world who seek safety and healing if their husband’s exploitative content use betrayed them. Attend a session today. Transcript: How To Protect Children From Online Abuse Anne: I have a good friend on today’s episode. Her name is Kristen Jenson, and she’s the founder of Defend Young Minds, an organization that helps protect young kids from online threats by teaching them strategies and skills to use as they go about their lives. Welcome, Kristen. Kristen: Thanks, Anne. It’s great to be here with you. Anne: My kids love your books. We have them all around our house. My youngest, loves non-fiction. and so she reads them frequently. So thank you so much. Can you just start off talking about your books? Kristen: Good Pictures, Bad Pictures and Good Pictures, Bad Pictures, Junior, A Simple Plan to Defend Young Minds. They’re both number one bestsellers on Amazon and have been so for years. And you know, speaking of number one bestsellers, I know your book has been a number one bestseller, Trauma Mama Husband Drama. I love it. I mean, the illustrations are awesome. I’ve read many books that try to rhyme, and some work better than others, and yours works great. I love how you approach that. It helps it not to be so heavy, and yet you’re talking about serious topics. Women get trapped in this place where her husband looks great on the outside, but there’s a lot of trauma going on. And then I love how in the back, you’ve got lots of charts that help explain a lot of the issues. Anne: It’s frequently a bestseller in the category of teen and young adult nonfiction on abuse, which is interesting to me because I did not expect my book to be for kids. Many people have said, my children love this book. That surprised me. The Importance Of Talking About Exploitative Media Anne: I think the thing that probably surprises both of us is how ready and capable children are to learn about these difficult topics. Kristen: Kids love these books because they respond to the truth. When a book clearly shines light, I think kids just gobble it up. It’s a relief to them when you’re willing to open up and talk about it or about the effects of expolitative media in a relationship, marriage, and family. Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for, and it’s great that they have these books to help them. Anne: Can you talk about why some parents might think that not talking about it may be better for their kids? Kristen: Yeah, I totally get that it may be intuitive, because we want to protect our children from online danger and keep them innocent. Some parents think, what if I tell my kid about it, and then they get curious and look for it. Well, we owe it to our children to teach them how to thrive in this day and age. The goal is not innocence, the goal is teaching a child to make wise decisions. We teach them about all the other dangers and have drills, but somehow we think that this is different. It’s not, it’s a danger, just like every other danger. You need a proactive, intentional approach where you are working to create digital defense skills. When kids know what it is, why

If you’re struggling to deal with an addict husband, we get it. We’re here for you. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are for women who have done everything they can to fix their marriage, but their addict husband is still causing trouble. To see if your husband’s addiction causes him to be emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz. And listen (above) to Evangeline’s story to see if you relate, or read the transcript below. You’re not alone. Transcript: How To Deal With An Addict Husband Anne: A member of our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community is on today’s episode. We’re calling her Evangeline. Welcome, Evangeline. Evangeline: Thank you for talking with me, Anne. I’m so grateful for the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community. Anne: Let’s start at the beginning. Can you talk about how you felt about your husband at first? Evangeline: Ours was like a real romance. I thought I married the man of my dreams, that I earned and deserved this as a good Christian girl and woman. I was in love, head over heels in love. He checked all the boxes. He had faith, honored and respected me, and did many thoughtful gestures. Anne: Back then, did you notice anything a bit off, and how did you define that? Evangeline: There were moments. I suspected he may be an addict early on and thought he acted out in his “addiction” in isolated moments. Like, just a few times a year. He’d apologize and say it wouldn’t happen again. I never told anyone because it was infrequent. I just thought he’s growing up, he’s figuring it out. As long as it doesn’t get any worse, I’m going to be okay. We’re going to be okay. How To Deal With An Addict Husband When He Lies Evangeline: He introduced pornography into our marriage. I said, no, I didn’t like that. I became uncomfortable. He’s telling me he’s watching pornography to learn how to be a better husband. How to maybe be a better lover or to be more educated. Anne: A flat out lie. He’s constantly on his phone, watching it. Evangeline: Totally. It didn’t help him be a “better” anything. I found infidelity 15 to 20 years into my marriage. The reality was, I can’t tell you how many incidences. I lived in fear. There is no way to deal with this when your husband says he’s an addict. The Reality of My Husband’s Addiction Evangeline: And really why would I know how to deal with an addicted husband? My parents raised me sheltered and uninformed. And he seemed to love and adore me. I felt so blessed at the time. This was a godsend, an answer to prayer. Anne: It makes total sense. That is exactly what you would think, especially under the circumstances. You think he’s a man of God, because that’s what he has told you. Evangeline: The first 10 years of our marriage were a blur. Our two youngest out of three kids had severe medical issues. Those years were just survival. I took women’s Bible study and women’s leadership. The Sacrifices You Make When Your Husband is An Addict I did bookkeeping for multiple churches and nonprofits. He also played a part in my business. He did taxes for some of the customers I had. My business was thriving. About 13 or so years into our marriage, we decided to move across the country. He wanted us to go down to one income, one job. So I sold my business to another accountant in our city. And I became a full time stay at home mom for the next 16 years. I didn’t know what would happen when I gave up my financial security and ability to take care of myself. I needed safety, because my husband was an addict, and that was an unsafe situation. The Christian evangelical community promoted and encouraged us to be stay-at-home moms. I didn’t realize that as a woman, I was putting myself at risk for the situation I’m now currently in. He Wanted Power & Control Evangeline: I can see it now that he wanted more power and control. If he’s an addict, you can start seeing the patterns. Like, when I started going back to school, he was not supportive. He would call me in the middle of my day, interrupt me when he’d never done that before. This behavior felt like more that just being an “addict husband.” I would keep my study time to only the hours my kids were at school. I could only study when I had no other duties. He Didn’t Want Me To Improve Myself Evangeline: It was obvious he didn’t want me to improve myself, or show interest in any of my hobbies. And that was shocking. His addiction meant he only wanted me the version of myself he married at 22. He didn’t allow me to grow and change. I wasn’t allowed to be an educated and degreed adult. I had to be the high school graduate. He simply wanted my attention only on him. Anne: One part of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop teaches that we all have special

Have you experienced betrayal trauma in relationships? Have you been betrayed, emotionally abused, and abandoned? Disbelieved, dismissed, and even shunned? If so, listen as these betrayal victims share their advice for other women. If you need actual support from women who understand, attend a live Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. The Right Support To Help You Identify if Betrayal Trauma is in Your Relationship If you discover your husband betrayed you, knowing what to is difficult. Sometimes clergy, therapists, even the legal system dismiss women’s trauma after betrayal. Betrayal Trauma Recovery empowers women when they become educated about what to do. One of the key things to do if you’ve been betrayed is determining if there has also been emotional abuse. To discover if his betrayal includes emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Transcript: Betrayal Trauma In Relationships Anne: We have a very special episode today. Victims of Betrayal, trauma in Relationships share their stories about what helped them heal, I asked them to record what their thoughts were and send those recordings to me so here are those recordings. She Learned How to Create Boundaries Due To The Betrayal Trauma In Her Relationship Betrayal Trauma Victim #1: We tried many counselors, including CSATS, and have been doing that quite some time. Being on BTR for just a few weeks has made all the difference, and I can see the behaviors now much more clearly, the dysfunction. Being on every day and getting the validation from the coaches and other women has been tremendously helpful to me. Life changing. She Received Life-Changing Support Betrayal Trauma Victim #2: I’m grateful for Betrayal Trauma Recovery. I was able to get clear thinking about what I witnessed and what was going on. Listening to the podcast and then having the coaches talk with us individually helped me classify and figure out strategies for handling, grooming, gaslighting, and things that I didn’t have words for until I got into BTR. It’s the best support for betrayal trauma. But I think the most significant thing was to get that outside myself and apply it in different situations. And one was with my husband’s counselor. Very traditionally, he would like to do marriage counseling, and I learned with BTR that there has to be a certain level of health before that would be successful. I was able to state that with my husband’s counselor to say to him, his sex before marriage, the pornography, all those things are not marriage problems. They cause marriage problems, but they are his personal problems until he addresses them. Marriage counseling will not be successful, and I will not participate. But it was BTR that empowered me to understand, one, I have a voice, and two, that was a very logical way to handle the situation. And the counselor was taken aback, but he saw what I was saying, and he took another course with my husband, which actually helped my husband more. So I’m very grateful for BTR and the coaches, and thankful for the daily presence of having somewhere to go. Where the craziness around us can be processed and we can come to a place of peace. She Learned That She’s Not Crazy Betrayal Trauma Victim #3: BTR Group Sessions have amazing coaches who have also walked this path. They can give appropriate advice, encouragement, and help answer questions and guide you along the path of recovery. BTR gave me the words and the terminology to put to how I was feeling. And knowing the right words to describe my feelings helped calm my soul and helped me to not feel so crazy. There have been several moments when I was full of panic, anxiety, and fear because of the situations at home with my husband, and I was able to get on Betrayal Trauma Support Group within a couple of hours and talk through it, get the comfort and validation that I needed and advice if it was needed. BTR Group has been a lifesaver for me on many occasions. It’s a safe place where I can cry and let it all out and share my fears, no matter how silly they may seem to others. The coaches and other women in the group understand and get it. It’s a judgment free zone where I can be me and fully accepted for who I am, for all my faults and failures and my accomplishments. Gave Her Strength When She Needed It BTR helped me to set and hold appropriate boundaries for my safety, which helped me to feel confident and empowered. The coaches and other women in the group give me validation to know I am not crazy, and that others have been through the same thing. I love being in the group and hearing other women’s stories and questions. And often they have the same questions I have, and sometimes questions I had, but I didn’t know that I had, or how to ask. And so many times the advice given to other women was just what I needed to hear. I’ve been doing BTR groups since the beginning, and it’s great to

Here at BTR, we hear this over and over again: betrayal trauma in marriage doesn’t just come from discovering a husband’s lies. For many women, it deepens when they reach out for help—and aren’t believed, supported, or protected. Most women respond to betrayal the way they’ve been taught to respond.They seek counseling.They ask spiritual leaders for guidance.They work on themselves.They try to explain their pain more clearly, more gently, more compassionately.And instead of finding relief, they find silence. Or minimization. Or subtle pressure to endure. For so many women, the most painful betrayal isn’t only what happens at home—it’s what happens when they finally ask for help and realize there’s nowhere safe to land. Before you spend one more day confused, you need a clear, simple framework for understanding what’s happening. That’s why I pulled together Clarity After Betrayal. It’s the starting place women told me they desperately needed before they wasted years trying to make sense of mixed messages, gaslighting, and chaos. When Years of Betrayal Trauma in Marriage Takes a Toll Nikki’s husband betrayed her for years: infidelity, lies, constant emotional attacks. He convinced her she was “too sensitive” and “too needy,” when the real issue was his pattern of betrayal. If you’re thinking his behaviors might amount to emotional abuse here’s some examples of emotional abuse to check out. Transcript: Betrayal Trauma In Marriage Anne: Today we have a member of our community, we’re going to call her Nikki. She’s from Australia. Welcome Nikki. So, tell me your story. Did you recognize your husband’s abusive behaviors at first? Nikki: Not at all. Goodness me, no. I was 15, just had my 16th birthday when I met my husband. I was in the UK. And we’ve been together ever since. I was six months pregnant with our first child. And he bought this little black bag home. And I hadn’t seen it before. We weren’t living together at the time. And he brought it back into my little flat, and being curious, opened it, and there was all this horrible material in there. And said to him, this is not what I want as part of my life. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted, and he said, “Oh, I’ll get rid of it, I’ll get rid of it.” And there were other bits in this bag, which just baffled me. I was just horrified, and the next day I went into labor because I was just that traumatized, I guess. So from that point, it kind of never stopped. I would continually find magazines under the couch. I mean, we tried getting help before we’d gone to several pastors who were basically just more about the codependent model. But I’d done nothing except to protect myself from betrayal trauma in marriage. Anne: And try to protect your marriage, right? It creates betrayal trauma from infidelity. Nikki: Yeah, and I didn’t want our children to spend time with me and then time with him, because he’d gone down the rabbit hole. I didn’t want there to be a point where he was left with them alone. Life in Australia, Lack of Support & Self-Education Anne: Where do you live in Australia? Nikki: I live in Melbourne, Victoria, but I’m from Tasmania. Anne: Okay, how do you feel like the support is there? Nikki: None, I have struggled to find anybody in this field that can help. So no, I never recognized the abuse, not until I started educating myself. And then it was when I came across the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Facebook page that I knew that what he was doing was abuse, and I was experiencing betrayal trauma in my marriage. Anne: Before you found BTR, when you were trying to get help, what types of things did you do to try and like, improve? Nikki: Yep, I thought if I looked better, if I tried harder, if I loved him more, you know, I learned the love languages. I was always trying to improve myself, and even going to counseling to try and improve something. Yeah, I took it on board, but I think that’s much more to do with how I was raised to be a better wife. And then he wouldn’t do this thing. Anne: There is so much you don’t know, there are so many powerful truths about emotional abuse. So you knew about the watching stuff online. Did you recognize the other types of abusive behaviors, like lying, manipulation, and gaslighting as betrayal trauma in marriage? Could you identify those back in the day? Or did you not realize all that was going on too? Nikki: I knew there was lying and manipulation. Because that kind of goes hand in hand with sneaky behavior, doesn’t it? Yeah, it wasn’t until the internet came about and you could Google this kind of stuff that I became aware of it. It wasn’t until much later in our marriage. Realizing Common Advice Doesn’t Work With Betrayal Trauma In Marriage Anne: So when did you realize that common marriage advice, look good, love, serve, forgive, make sure dinner&#8217

There is no fear or pain quite like the trauma a woman experiences when your ex uses the kids to hurt you. Whether it’s through the family court system, co-parenting, or everyday chaos, abusers know one of the most effective ways to harm a woman is through her children. If you’re going through this and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. FIVE TRUTHS: WHEN YOUR EX USES THE KIDS TO HURT YOU My ex husband’s emotional abuse didn’t stop after divorce. I thought leaving would end the chaos. It didn’t. It just changed form. In my case: My ex used the kids to hurt me in new ways—canceling their medical appointments, undermining their care, and creating daily disruption through them. The system didn’t protect me. I believed that if I showed the truth, the court would fix it. What actually happened: Six years later, I went back to court to reduce his custody… and he got more. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, the system doesn’t always see it for what it is. Doing more didn’t fix it. I tried being clear, cooperative, and reasonable. I tried to document everything. But: None of that changed his behavior. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, more effort often just gives him more to twist, escalate, and use against you. He didn’t want resolution, he wanted control I kept thinking we could figure it out. That we could land on something that worked for the kids. But his goal wasn’t peace, or parenting, it was control. He contradicted what I said, ignored what the kids needed, and created conflict, even when it made no sense. Strategy, not effort, is what changed everything. The turning point wasn’t trying harder. It was doing something completely different. For me: I stopped focusing on getting him to understand, or getting the court to fix it. When your ex uses the kids to hurt you, the only thing that changes the outcome is strategy. This led me to develop the strategies that eventually became the Living Free Workshop. And about a year later…everything changed. LETTING ANGER FUEL STRATEGIC ACTION Abusive men use the courtroom to not only torment victims, but also to manipulate court professionals and seek validation. They don’t want parenting time or a peaceful resolution, they want to win. They want chaos and enjoy the fight. To know if your ex is emotionally abusive, take our free emotional abuse quiz. When he uses the kids to hurt you in the courtroom, it is essential that you seek support, practice radical self-compassion and self-care, and develop good boundaries. Family court systems all over the world are broken. Outcomes are completely unpredictable. However, you can determine now to love and accept yourself no matter what happens. You can determine now to surround yourself with people who love you and build you up. You will need support and community as you face your abuser in the courtroom. It’s understandable and reasonable to be angry. Your anger is a powerful force that can drive you to take action. Anger is a catalyst for change. The reason why so many people fear an angry woman is because an angry woman is unstoppable—she takes action and challenges the status quo. This is precisely why abusers and oppressors work so hard to suppress women’s anger. They know it can dismantle their control. Anger, when channeled constructively, becomes a tool for empowerment, inspiring bold steps toward justice. When Your Ex Uses The Kids To Hurt You: Abuse By Proxy If an abuser harms or manipulates the children to harm you, it’s known as “abuse by proxy.” This tactic involves using the children as tools to control, intimidate, or emotionally damage you, often by turning them against you or causing them emotional distress. It is considered a severe and harmful form of post-separation abuse, with long-lasting effects on both the targeted parent and the children involved. Learn strategies to protect yourself from post separation abuse in The Living Free Workshop. Transcript: When Your Ex Uses The Kids To Hurt You Anne: It’s just me today. You’re about to hear something that I recorded years ago before I really understood what my ex-husband was doing to me and my children, and I certainly didn’t know what to do about it. At the time of the recording, I was divorced. On paper, I had a decent custody arrangement. But behind the scenes, my ex is an attorney and he was still emotionally and psychologically abusing me and neglecting the needs of our children on almost a daily basis. In fact, he still is now. I have a son with a processing disorder. He was undermining his medical care. Canceling his appointments. He refused to support any of our children’s extracurricular activities. Every day was chaotic. So I did what I thought was in the best interest of my children. I went back to court thinking that if I could just present the truth, things would get better for my kids. Instead, he got more custody. I was devastated, and you&#8

There’s another word for toxic – abusive. If you’re asking, “Is my husband toxic?” What you’re really asking is, is he emotionally or psychologically abusive. Here’s three things you need to know. What Does “Toxic” Mean? A toxic person uses manipulation, control, lies, and chaos to get what they want. Often, toxic men use emotional or psychological abuse tactics, which can be harder to detect than physical abuse, but is just as damaging. See if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. If he is, he’s toxic. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out. Here are some red flags of toxic emotional or psychological abuse to watch out for in your marriage: 1. Manipulation Does your husband often twist situations to make you feel like you’re the problem, even when he’s clearly at fault? 2. Control Does he lie to control your perception of him, rather than meet you on equal grounds by telling the truth? 3. Objectification Does he objectify women or exploit women? Questions to Determine If Your Husband Is Toxic If you’re unsure whether your husband’s behavior is toxic (abusive), ask yourself these questions: Does he belittle my emotions, making me feel like I’m “too sensitive” or imagining things? Does he undermine me by saying my friends or family don’t know what they’re talking about when they’re doing something to empower me? When I express concerns, does he block conversation by storming off or shutting me down? Or start attacking me with the exact same “concerns” he’s never brought up before? Does he dismiss or “forget” promises? Has he ever lied to me about things he’s planning or what’s going to happen that he has no intention of ever actually planning or doing. Does he frequently criticize, judge, or blame me instead of taking responsibility for his actions? Do his words or actions make me feel small, unsafe, or like I’m constantly walking on eggshells? If you answered “yes” to any of these, take our free test for emotional abuse that will help you know for sure. What Your Husband’s Toxic Behavior Does to You Living with emotional or psychological abuse can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, and feelings of worthlessness. It can make you question your reality, leading to something called “gaslighting,” where you’re manipulated into doubting your own experiences or memories. Over time, these effects will erode your mental health and self-esteem. Yep, Your Husband Is Toxic. What Can I Do? Acknowledge the Problem The first step is recognizing that your husband’s behavior is abusive or toxic. It’s not “just how he is,” nor is it “your fault.” To learn more about this type of abuse, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Seek The Right Support Talk to trusted friends or family members about what you’re experiencing. You might also consider attending Group Sessions, like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. These sessions provide a safe environment to share your experience with women who understand. Learn Strategies To Protect Yourself If your husband is toxic, going to couples therapy or talking to a priest might make things worse for you. Toxic men often use tricks to blame you for the problems. They might even say your relationship or marriage is toxic, trying to make it seem like it’s partly your fault. His mean behavior isn’t your fault, even if it hurts you. Before talking to a counselor or Pastor, learn what he’ll do next by enrolling in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop. That way you’ll be one step ahead. Transcript: Is My Husband Toxic? – When You Discover His Double Life Anne: Jessica is on today’s episode. She holds a bachelor’s degree in media studies and has an in-depth understanding of how the media impacts our lives and shapes our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors. Jessica is a feminist and activist. She is also on the board of Culture Reframed, a nonprofit organization founded by Dr. Gail Dines, whose mission is to build resilience and resistance to hypersexualized media. Welcome, Jessica. Jessica: Thank you. I’m glad to be here. Anne: Jessica, a lot of women come on my podcast. In fact, it’s the #1 podcast for betrayal trauma. These women share their stories.And when I told my friends and family, they were like, “Calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. Why are you freaking out? He’s such a good guy.” Even feminists say it’s not a big deal when he’s toxic in this way. Is He Toxic If He Lies? Anne: So as an activist, let’s talk about why feminists should be opposed to this type of toxic behavior. Jessica: There’s a lot of confusion and divisiveness around this topic, and a lot of misguided intention and misinformation. I just want to start by reading a quote

What’s the difference between emotional abuse and normal conflict? I’ll dive into that below. When we’re figuring out the difference between emotional abuse vs normal conflict, it’s important to focus on emotional safety either way. Step one would be to take an emotional abuse quiz to see if what you’re experiencing is emotional abuse. Understanding Emotional Abuse vs Normal Conflict Emotional Abuse: Emotional abuse is manipulating someone’s emotions to exploit them. Because it’s aim is exploitation, it causes significant damage to the victim’s sense of self. Normal Conflict: Normal conflicts are an inevitable part of any relationship. These types of benign conflicts are caused by differences in opinions, values, or expectations, but there’s no exploitation involved. Normal conflicts happen with two healthy people who care about each other and want the best for each other. When a husband uses online explicit material or cheats on his wife, it’s a form of emotional abuse that deeply affects her. Normal conflicts don’t cause infidelty, it’s emotional abuse. What Is Emotional Safety Many women in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community share stories of feeling alone—when friends dismiss their accounts of emotional abuse. Sometimes clergy or therapists discount emotional abuse victims, especially when their emotionally abusive husband lies to the clergy or therapist about what’s going on. In many religious communities, marriage is more important than a person’s feelings or emotional safety. Which doesn’t make sense, since the point of marriage is emotional safety. This type of abuse violates the essence of marriage. Choosing safety doesn’t mean ending your marriage. Your husband’s decision to be emotionally abusive has already broken that trust. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we emphasize that safety encompasses several aspects of life: Physical Safety: Make sure you meet basic needs like shelter, food, and clothing. Removing yourself from immediate emotional threats. Emotional and Psychological Safety: Finding an environment where you can express yourself without fear of judgment or retaliation. Spiritual Safety: Your beliefs are respected and not used against you. Financial Safety: Gaining control over your financial resources and decisions. Sexual Safety: Having autonomy over your own body and choices. Steps To Begin Your Journey: Separate Yourself from Harm: Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop to learn what type of abuse you’re dealing with (or even if he’s actually abusive), and then what strategies to use to keep yourself emotionally safe. Surround Yourself with Support: Connect with support groups or communities like Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions where you can share your story without judgment. Practice Self-Care: Focus on basic needs like nutrition, hydration, and sleep to maintain your physical health. Educate Yourself About Abuse: Understanding abuse dynamics can empower you and provide clarity on your situation. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Transcript: How to Tell Emotional Abuse vs Normal Conflict Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. This is Anne. I’m so excited to have Natalie on today’s episode. She’s the author of All the Scary Little Gods, and I’m so excited to have her on today. Welcome, Natalie. Natalie: Thank you so much. I’m excited to be here. Anne: You’re amazing. I’ve always appreciated your work. Especially all the interesting and fascinating deconstruction that you do with spiritual abuse. I love it. You’re so smart. And it’s just, it’s fun to have you here. Let’s start by talking about your new book, All the Scary Little Gods. Natalie: I wanted to tell my story. Because I wanted to help women stuck in fundamentalist programming. Who maybe weren’t able to read. Or had the capacity and interest in reading a scholarly type or non-fiction book about deprogramming. In fact, that might even scare them off a little bit. But they might want to read a story about it. So, instead of telling people how to walk this journey, you know, do step one, two, and three. I wanted to show them what a potential journey of deprogramming and deconstructing might look like. Especially for women who weren’t ready to give up their faith. But wanted to figure out how their faith aligned with goodness and love and their core values. I think it was like the English teacher in me saying, show, don’t tell. Anne: I loved that it felt so honest, you are expressing that inner dialogue. Helping women know you’re not crazy. Everybody thinks these things. Discussing All Types of Emotional Abuse Natalie: Yes, exactly. The first part I wrote from my younger self. So you kind of hear about my childhood from that perspective. And it can be kind of humorous, because as adults rea

Do you have betrayal trauma symptoms? Did any professional that you went to help you understand that you are a victim of emotional and psychological abuse? If not, you’re not the only one. Attend one of our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions to join a community of women who can validate and support you. Most Professionals Miss Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Tragically, family, friends, clergy, and therapists further abuse victims. When they don’t recognize that betrayal trauma symptoms are caused by emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. “That was the hardest part of my betrayal trauma symptoms. I felt like I was screaming, waving my arms for help, going to everyone I could think of, from clergy to therapists, and no one helped me.” Anne Blythe, Founder of BTR.ORG Women With Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Are Victims Of Abuse Many women in our community share that they did not understand where the betrayal trauma symptoms were coming from. They thought it was from the discovery of their husband’s infidelity or pornography use, and it was. But they didn’t know that his infidelity and use signaled that he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. To know if you’re a victim of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. What Are Common Betrayal Trauma Symptoms? Wondering if you are in betrayal trauma? Here are a few of the most common symptoms: Grief Numbness Rage Depression Insomnia and other sleep issues Difficulty eating or overeating Anxiety Terror Paranoia Headaches Body aches and pains At Betrayal Trauma Recovery, we understand how to help you heal from betrayal trauma symptoms. Enroll in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop to determine your husband’s true character. Transcript: The Truth About Betrayal Trauma Symptoms Anne: I have Kathy or Justice Jones on today’s episode. She is a justice advocate who promotes outside the box solutions. And best practice responses to families living under the chronic oppression of abusers and counter-parents. I invited her here because the truth is that domestic abuse causes betrayal trauma symptoms. So we need to discuss domestic abuse and how professionals are missing it. Especially betrayal trauma professionals. They’re not identifying the symptoms of betrayal trauma as responses to emotional and psychological abuse, and coercion. So we’re going to talk about that today. Welcome Kathy. Kathy: Thank you for having me. Anne: Listeners to my podcast who have experienced this understand on a deeply personal level. How the entire system does not understand emotional and psychological abuse and coercion. And the continued abuse post separation or post divorce, when you’re fighting a narcissist for custody. So let’s look at the system as a whole, including court professionals, therapists, all the people involved. When you say trauma responsive professionals, do you mean people who actually really get it or people who just say they get it? And can you also talk about the difference between those two things? Kathy: Yes, certainly. The System’s Failure To Recognize Abuse Kathy: I’ve been hearing the code word “trauma informed” probably for about 10 years in national conferences and the like. It quickly became apparent to me that just because you’re trauma informed, it doesn’t mean you’re responsive. It doesn’t mean you take the knowledge imparted to you and actually work towards the benefit and healing of the survivor. Meaning that if you’re a trauma informed professional, trauma informed is not enough. Even in your good intentions, you may be acting in ways or putting the survivor in situations that actually aggravate or re-traumatize that victim. Anne: From my perspective, there are so many so-called “betrayal trauma therapists.” Or even addiction recovery therapists, or other therapists who say they’re trauma informed. But they don’t understand anything about abuse and abuse dynamics. And so their counsel to the victim with betrayal trauma symptoms ends up harming the victim more. Many women don’t know this when they are looking for a therapist for their abusive husband. Kathy: So the first story I have for you is eight years ago. I worked at my local domestic violence crisis center, and was invited to become part of a local mental health program. Part of their invitation was so that I could inform their practices to do domestic violence related issues better than what they knew. It was a real opportunity for me. And the first training I provided for these folks, they were wonderful people, but it became clear they did not know enough about domestic violence, counter-parenting, and just any issue related to family violence. Lack Of Training In Domestic Abuse Kathy: So I was compelled to ask the question of the 15 people in the room. They had well over 300 years total of real time practi

If you’ve typed “I dislike my husband” into a search bar, you probably didn’t do it lightly. Dislike usually follows a buildup of emotional neglect, manipulation, broken promises, or repeated lies. Often, you still care about him and even love him. But something inside you feels shut down. What makes it even more confusing is when he says he’s changing. Maybe he apologized, started therapy, joined a recovery group, or stopped yelling. This efforts probably seem sincere. And yet, you still feel irritated or sometimes even repelled. Why Disliking Your Husband May Signal Something Deeper If the fact that you dislike your husband keeps rattling around your head, most women end up asking painful questions like… Why do I dislike my husband when he’s trying? Is this normal resentment? Am I too unforgiving? Or is my intuition picking up on something deeper? In emotionally abusive relationships, temporary behavior shifts can look like progress. The apologies may increase. He may use therapy language or spiritual language. But real change is measured by consistent patterns over time, not short bursts of compliance. It’s Okay to Dislike Him Even if He’s Getting Therapy If you’re wondering if you dislike him because he’s emotionally abusive, that may be the case. And that’s a really good reason. To discover if you’re currently being emotionally abused, take this free emotional abuse test. Feeling like “I dislike my husband” may not mean you’ve fallen out of love. It may mean your nervous system no longer feels safe. This is exactly what we walk through in the Clarity After Betrayal Workshop, how to discern the difference between if your husband can really change into someone you could enjoy being around and how to evaluate emotional safety without pressure to stay or leave. Whether victims stay married, separate from, or divorce a man they dislike, boundaries are absolutely essential in protecting women and their children from further harm. BTR.ORG Supports Victims Of Emotionally Abusive Husbands For women who choose to stay married wondering “can my husband change into someone I like?” We believe that as women educate themselves about trauma and abuse, they are better equipped to make informed decisions and become empowered to begin their journeys to healing. Tune in to The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to learn more about the real, valid reasons you probably have to dislike your husband. Transcript: I Dislike My Husband Anne: Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. A member of our community, Cece is here to share her story about the emotional whiplash so many women experience after betrayal, when apologies and effort create hope, but something still feels off. How do you know if he’s truly changing? If you’re sitting with that quiet tension, thinking, “I dislike my husband, but don’t want to feel this way.” So what am I supposed to do now?” You’re not alone. So Cece, you’ve experienced this whiplash, and you’re gonna talk about your story today. Welcome. Cece: Hi Anne, thanks for having me on. Anne: I’m so grateful for women who share their stories. For many listeners who quietly wonder, “I dislike my husband… but he says he’s changing,” conversations like this matter. I’m honored to talk with you about how to tell whether an emotionally abusive husband can truly change. So Cece, you’re divorced now, but let’s start at the beginning—when you first met your husband. How did you feel about him at that time? Cece: So I went to a Christian college, and there was a lot of the purity culture stuff going on there. I had grown up with an alcoholic dad and was kind of a scapegoat in my family of origin. So my self-esteem was at the bottom of the barrel, unfortunately. But he and I were friends, and we got to be friends the first week of my sophomore year in college. He was a freshman. He was actually studying to become a youth pastor. So when I met him, I thought, oh, he’s this nice Christian guy. He had a girlfriend at the time, and I was not interested in him like that. We really did hit it off as friends. Early “Green Flags” That Later Made Me Question Everything Cece: And I didn’t see any red flags at that point in his character. Interestingly enough, he was dating a girl in my hall. It was actually an abusive relationship where she was abusing him. Which made me think he could never be that way towards someone else. Anne: Really quick, what made you think she was abusing him as you’re observing this? Cece: I would see the way she would talk to him, and she actually hit him a couple of times. So it was very serious. And other people were witnesses to those things even when I wasn’t, so… Anne: The reason why I ask that is that we don’t know what he was doing to her. Cece: Right. Anne: A lot of times when you see a woman doing that. It could be that she’s resisting abuse, and you don&#821

If your husband betrayed you, and your husband apologizes, how do you know if it’s genuine? Do you need support? Check out our Group Session Schedule. I received a letter from my ex claiming he wanted to make restitution. But instead of acknowledging the years and years of lies, betrayal, and emotional abuse, he only wanted to make restitution for one week. If your husband apologizes, but you doubt his sincerity, this will help you figure out if his apology is sincere. Transcript: When Your Husband Apologizes, How Do You Know If It’s Genuine? Anne: So years ago, I recorded a podcast episode about how I receive a restitution letter in the mail, and my husband apologized. In the mail from my then ex husband after we were divorced. If you’ve ever received an apology from your husband or ex husband, it seems like he’s showing remorse. And you’re wondering, can my husband change, what does this mean? Is this genuine? This is the episode for you. It’ll also give you a snapshot of how I felt years ago. I was still hurting and confused. Just a quick recap. Before we married, he lied to me and was abusive, but I wasn’t aware of it. Because he manipulated me and presented himself as somebody he wasn’t. Instead, I just thought he had an anger problem and needed to go to therapy. Escalating Abuse When Your Husband Apologizes And Tries to Make Restitution Anne: He said he would go to therapy. But continues to lie to me and yell in my face, two inches from my face. He continued to lie about his explicit material use. I believe now, he manipulated me and lied to me about his use our whole marriage. Still lying about it, not only to me, but also to large groups of people as he’s doing public speaking. Then, came his arrest for domestic violence. Then doing nothing to acknowledge what has happened at all. And, not trying to get back in the home, not trying to repent, not trying to take accountability, not being honest, and not being humble in any way. Then he files for divorce, claiming it’s because I’m not forgiving him or something like that. Now I want to tell you a little bit about what happens on the day my husband apologized for. In 2015, we spoke at UCAP. He and I were going to speak together about how he recovered from his addiction and how to do it successfully. However, both before and after the speech, his abusive behaviors were escalating. He put holes in a bunch of our walls. He broke his door. At that time, I thought, well, this is part of the recovery process. So we spoke at UCAP. Right after I said, “You’ve got to shut down your website”. I can’t do this with you anymore. This is a sham, and he got more and more angry. The Turning Point: Legoland Incident Anne: That summer we go to Legoland, and on the way there I am driving, he grabs my head in the car violently and screams at me to shut up in front of my children. I was so terrified that once we parked, I jumped out of the car with my kids and ran into the Legoland hotel. And I just sat there and cried for a while, and then handed my kids to my parents. I thought, well, I guess I can’t leave him in the car. So as I was walking back to the car to get him, I was praying out loud, like, please, I need a miracle. I need a miracle. I cannot do this anymore. The rest of the day at Legoland, he screamed at me in public, in front of my parents and a bunch of other people. It was awful. And on the way home, I was sobbing uncontrollably, still driving, just to try and get him to calm down and stop. I said, I want you to know that no matter how abusive and terrible you are to me, I will always be respectful to you. I’m sorry if I was not respectful today in confronting you about your abuse, more or less. I can’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something like that. And he looked at me with the most evil, look in his eyes and said good. How do I know you’ll never act like that again? He blamed me for HIS emotional abuse. There was no remorse, there was no anything. There’s no acknowledgement of me crying, I was taken aback by his response. I was horrified. So the rest of the trip, I tried to avoid him as much as possible. Understanding Restitution vs. Forgiveness When Your Husband Apologizes Anne: I slept in a separate bed. He wondered why he couldn’t be close to me, and why I didn’t want to kiss him. So before I read the so-called restitution letter he sent, where my husband apologized. I want to talk about the difference between what modern clergy and maybe therapists say about restitution. Which they frequently confuse with forgiveness. My church had their semi-annual conference. In conference to illustrate the “power of forgiveness,” one of the speakers shared a story. About a drunk driver who had killed a couple, a husband and wife. He shares this touching part of the story, where after the drunk driver is sentenc

Is therapy causing you to feel worse? Do you keep going, thinking maybe the next session will be the breakthrough? Here are the warning signs of an abusive therapist every woman needs to be aware of. Amy Nordhues, a victim of an abusive therapist, and author of Prayed Upon, joined Anne Blythe, M.Ed. on The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast to talk about the warning signs of an abusive therapist. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Transcript: Warning Signs Of An Abusive Therapist: What To Look For Anne: Amy Nordhues is on the podcast today. She’s a survivor of both childhood sex abuse and abuse as an adult at the hands of a mental health professional. She is a passionate follower of Christ and expert on the healing God provides. She has a B.A. in psychology and minors in sociology and criminology. Her devotions are in the Secret Place devotional series. Her memoir, Prayed Upon, won the Inspire Christian Writers Great Openings Contest for nonfiction and the Next Generation Indie Award for inspirational nonfiction. As a married mother of three, she enjoys spending time with family, writing, reading, photography, and all things comedy. We will talk about warning signs of an abusive therapist today. Welcome, Amy. Amy: Hi, it’s so good to be here. Anne: We have comedy in common. When I first learned about my husband’s lying and deceit. I actually started writing comedy to deal with it, like to process it. So I wrote a comedy blog for a few years that wasn’t showing what was actually happening. When my book comes out, I will actually publish that comedy blog in book form simultaneously. So that you can see what was happening. Amy: Oh, interesting. Anne: I think a lot of comedians use jokes to deal with their trauma. Amy: Yes. Anne: So maybe we’ll make a few abuse jokes today. Amy: Yeah. Anne: Oh, wow, don’t worry. My audience, my audience gets it because they’re all abuse victims. The Pastor’s Wife’s Suggested This Therapist Anne: So let’s start with your story. Amy: Yeah, I started attending Celebrate Recovery. I wanted to work on issues from past abuse and a disconnected marriage. I had depression and anxiety. And when I was in that program, the pastor’s wife became my mentor, and at some point she recommended I see this therapist. He was also a psychiatrist, which was good because he can manage my medications. He was an elder at the church where the Celebrate Recovery was hosted. I had just started attending there. So it seemed to line up perfectly. So I started to see him, and he was an odd character, more like a bumbling grandpa. Very Christian, wore a cross necklace, sweet, kind of goofy, and right away he played a father figure role. He learned that was something I didn’t have. So he played into that, and at first it seemed like an answer to prayer. It seemed like my depression was lifting. I started to see I guess you could say red flags in this relationship. Anne: At the time, what was your thought process? Did you know they were red flags? Would you define them that way? Can you talk about your thought process? Amy: In retrospect, I realized the red flags started from day one, and those things I didn’t see as red flags. I just thought they were quirky, silly, like he would get an afghan out of his cupboard. And like kind of match it to what clothing I was wearing. And then playfully cover me with it. Well, my alarm bells went off. But I certainly didn’t think this is a predator trying to weasel his way into my personal space or see them as warning signs of an abusive therapist. The First Red Flags: Coerced Shoulder & Foot Rubs Amy: I thought, this is just a silly, older gentleman therapist trying to put me at ease in an awkward therapy situation. He would bring me tea, and I didn’t see any harm in that. We both would drink tea during the sessions. So they were little things like that. And I brushed them off. But when he offered to rub my feet or shoulders for a Christmas present, I panicked, he’d never touched me in a session. He sat across from me in his chair, and the sad reality is that I didn’t think I could say no. I had voices screaming in my head, like, pick one, pick one, this is awkward, this is brutally awkward. So I said, shoulders. He came over and sat next to me in the chair and started to rub my shoulders. And I panicked and said, “feet, feet,” just to get him away. And the touch felt creepy. Sadly, I say sadly, because now I wish I could have just stood up and left. But I kind of slumped down in my chair and put my feet on the ottoman, and allowed him to rub my feet. Anne: Because we reject victim blaming here at betrayal trauma recovery, would you feel comfortable saying coerced rather than allowed? Amy: Yeah, I didn’t think no was a choice. Anne: Right, so that’s coercion, right? Amy: Do it quickly, and g

If you’re wondering how to get back to yourself after emotional abuse, listen to how Anne Blythe, M.Ed. came back to herself through writing, exercise, and boundaries. Do you need support through your healing journey? Check out our Group Support Session Schedule. Transcript: How To Get Back To Yourself After Emotional Abuse Anne: A few years ago, I was doing an interview for The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. There was this freaky Friday situation. and the guest started interviewing me. I wanted to replay a portion of that episode for you today. Juliane: What are some steps you’re taking and have taken that have helped you regain your own sense of balance? Healing Through Writing After Emotional Abuse Anne: I’m a writer. Writing has been healing for me. I wrote every abuse episode that I could think of. Every instance of gaslighting. Every instance of emotional or psychological abuse helped me sort out what was real, what wasn’t real. It was like a hundred pages. It was crazy. When I started using that as a draft to write my book, because I want to give people concrete examples. I was so sick of my own story. I thought that was a good sign after emotional abuse. So instead of thinking, I have to prove that he was abusive, which is how I felt before. Now that I’m healed more, I don’t need to process that anymore. Now I’m deleting huge sections out of it, because now I’m thinking, which examples will help other women? Juliane: And you don’t have to prove why it was so crazy making for you. Anne: Yeah, totally. Reclaiming Physical Health After Emotional Abuse Anne: My no contact boundary is actually the most helpful thing to me. Because any interaction with him is insane, focusing on my own physical health has been good. I’ve always been really athletic, and everything went out the window the moment I married him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZj_YL19POM I didn’t ski anymore or mountain bike anymore. And I didn’t row anymore. I didn’t do any of the things I love doing. And now I’m getting back to that after emotional abuse. So I’m doing yoga every day and I’m weightlifting again. I may work at the ski resort the weekends when my kids are gone. Juliane: I love that phrase, by the way, coming back to myself. Anne: Yeah, and part of that was the abuse. And also part of it is that I have three kids under the age of six, and getting out of the house is really hard. They’re getting older now. My youngest was eleven months old when he was arrested. Time has helped a lot, too. It took a lot of time to process. Emotional Struggles & Support Anne: In fact, I just went through a pretty hard period. I went off my antidepressant, and decided I wasn’t emotionally eating anymore. So there’s about a month where I was crying every day. I mean, really bad, in the shower. At church, finding a room where no one was, and locking myself in there. Sitting on the floor, full on bawling my head off about everything that had happened. Because I didn’t have the crutch of food anymore, and I didn’t have my antidepressant. So there were some feelings that I hadn’t quite felt. My sister was worried about me. So was everyone else. I was like, guys, I’m gonna be okay. https://youtu.be/yu4b-nA3gaM I just need to feel this right now. I’m not going to eat popcorn, and I’m not going to eat Oreos. I’m not going to take an antidepressant. I just need to feel these feelings that I was not ready to feel years ago because it was too much. It would have killed me if I had to feel everything simultaneously. So I used an antidepressant for years, and I ate a lot and gained a lot of weight. Which is fine. Both of those things are fine. Do it if that helps you. Navigating Single Motherhood After Emotional Abuse Anne: Now I’m stronger. Knowing even if you’re making progress, be gentle with yourself. Because women, at least in my situation, have all kinds of problems. We have financial problems. What will we do for work? Juliane: A woman working with three children that are young on her own. I mean a round of applause for all the single working moms out there. It’s so hard to do that alone. Then, you’ve got these multiple betrayal traumas. That impacts you emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Anne: And they were coming from therapists. My clergy took his side. And friends, family, when I say family, I mean his family. This is not a small thing. Considering Medication After Emotional Abuse Juliane: No, it’s not. For me, five years out, I was still hurting. It was like the pain would come rushing forward with all the fear and insecurity. It’s a long process. I love that you gave yourself the freedom and permission to just feel your feelings. Anne: Because I knew that feeling these emotions is important for me now. Women are strong, and they’re sm

Do you feel like something is “off” with your husband? If you’re asking, “Why is my husband constantly on his phone?” Here’s what couple therapists or clergy won’t tell you. Dr. Hastings and Dr. Lucero Jones are on the podcast talking about their groundbreaking research on how a husband’s pornography use affects his wife. You deserve support, learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. 4 Ways To Find Support When He’s Constantly On His Phone Listen to The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast Attend a BTR.ORG Group Session Meet with a BTR Coach for an Individual Session Call a safe person to share your feelings. No Matter What He’s Doing On His Phone, You Can Choose Emotional & Sexual Safety Here at BTR.ORG, we understand the overwhelming chaos you feel when you discover your husband is constantly on his phone because he’s using exploitative material. Just brushing your teeth can feel like an insurmountable task. Try to remember to give yourself grace as you process this new information, and give yourself the space to create emotional safety for yourself, rather than immediately “working on the marriage”. Transcript: Why is My Husband Constantly on His Phone? Anne: I have Dr. Heidi Hastings and Dr. Rebecca Lucero Jones on today’s episode. Dr. Hastings recently completed her PhD in family studies at Texas Women’s University. Her research is on religious women who married men who are constantly on their phones using exploitative material. Dr. Lucero Jones is a practicing marriage and family therapist and professor of marriage and family therapy at Texas Women’s University. Together, they have researched women who have experienced betrayal, and I’m so excited to share their research with us today. Welcome. Heidi: Thanks, Anne. We’re happy to be here. Rebecca: Thank you. We’re glad to be here. Research Focus: Religious Women & Betrayal When He’s Always On His Phone Anne: So in your studies, you develop the five stages of betrayal and self development. Why don’t we start there? Heidi: So we are interested in the experience of religious women when their husbands are always on their phones. We recruited women from non-denominational Christian religions, from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, several Protestant Christian religions, fundamentalist Christian religions, Jewish religions, and we had one Muslim participant, and Catholic. We also had a few women in different religions who moved towards spirituality instead. So, our range of religious representation here is pretty broad. Rebecca: We conducted interviews with 31 women of various denominations and sects of different religions, and wanted to understand their experience as a whole and understand the process they go through. Maybe even before they find out that their husband has some sort of compulsive behaviors. Then what happens afterwards, and kind of where do they eventually land. As we asked them these questions, they told us their stories of their experiences of discovery that what’s he’s always doing on his phone is looking at online exploitation. And also of how they coped and what happened with the marriage. What kind of help they sought out. Their experience with their religions, religious leaders, other family members, friends, just anybody in their social circles. From that, we developed this model that showed us that there were actually five distinct stages that women went through. But we also noticed a lot of self-development throughout their healing process. When He’s Always On His Phone: Understanding Religious & Cultural Scripts Heidi: So the first stage is religious, family, and cultural scripts. Which scripts are, if you think about a play, somebody gets a script that tells them this is how they behave. Before the discovery that their husband was using his phone for secretive things, often even before marriage. This understanding from a religious perspective facilitated her creation of beautiful, yet innocent core beliefs. About herself, her marriage, her faith, and her relationship with God. Her personal identity was often abandoned, for the couple’s identity created at marriage. While these women had innocent beliefs that are beneficial to many women. For women I interviewed, their innocence later proves problematic. Innocent Beliefs & Their Consequences When He’s Always On His Phone Heidi: So the things that religion brings to many beautiful marriages. Actually compromised some parts and made them susceptible to danger, abuse, and trauma. They described these initial innocent beliefs as naive and shallow, shameful or confusing later on. Their naivety was also seen in women who knew about their husband’s constant phone use before marriage. So we did have several women for whom it wasn’t secret. Most of the time, they tell her it’s not

Does your husband promise you that he will do anything to help heal your marriage from his betrayal, lies, and emotional abuse? Then then doesn’t do anything? “I fight for our marriage, but he doesn’t follow through,” said Kirsten, a member of our community. Does this sound familiar? We’re here for you, learn about our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcript: Why Won’t My Husband Fight For Our Marriage? Anne: I have Kirsten on the podcast today. I know her personally, and she’s amazing. She’s a member of our community. She is a divorced mom of four, and she’s also an incredible artist and writer. Who likes to write to explore being a real human being breaking through destructive personal and generational patterns. And how handling hard times with humor can make life more palatable. Kirsten strives to not take herself too seriously. To help balance out the very serious things she’s been through in her life with humor and art and other modes of coping. We’re going to talk about a phrase that she invented. I’m not going to let the cat out of the bag. I’m going to let her set up what this term is and then we’ll have a discussion about it. So can you talk about the background of this term, first of all? Kirsten: So a little bit about my personal backstory. I had been about 17 years into my then marriage, and we were about a year into an in house separation. And working on him trying to recover from his addiction. And me trying to recover from 17 years of long term premeditated and fairly disturbing mind games and lies and betrayals. What Is “Meatloafing”? When He Says He Will Fight For Our Marriage Kirsten: We were doing an in house separation, and he said that he would do anything to fix the damage that was happening in our marriage. And I believed him. I wanted to believe him when he said he would fight for our marriage. One night he came down from his bedroom that he was staying in and asked me when I would drop my boundary of him Not being able to initiate any physical touch in our marriage. I reminded him that he had not followed through with the task that he’d been given by his therapist and by our religious leader. That my personal therapist had suggested that I may even need some really specialized therapy to be able to heal. To get back to that point where I’d be comfortable being physically intimate with him. He asked me how long it would take for me to do this healing. And I said, I don’t, I don’t know. Six months? A year? I don’t know. He let me know that that was too long. That my boundary was impeding his recovery. So, that’s kind of when I knew that that marriage was over. I’m a pretty visual thinker. I’m an artist. I have a brain full of all kinds of ridiculous cultural references. When he said that, I could see in my head this video and song that came out in the early 90s from this rocker, Meatloaf. Why Won’t He Do This One Thing To Fight For Our Marriage? Kirsten: He did this ridiculous video called, I will do anything for love. And I could hear his voice in my head. You know, I can do anything for love, but I won’t do that. I just started laughing and walked out of the room. I’m sure that it appeared very rude to him, but I just, the ridiculousness of it. You know, 17 years of really awful behavior and damage, and he couldn’t give me this. This one thing that I was asking for him to do. I’m in the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, and one day a woman said her partner was not going to do the thing that she had asked him to do. To be able to receive healing in their marriage. That came back to my head and I said, Oh, he’s Meatloafing you. Of course, you know, I often forget that I’m one of the older members of the community. You probably have to be over maybe 35 to kind of get that reference right away. But he said, what are you talking about? And I said, don’t you remember that song by Meatloaf? I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that. And that just started a whole entire thing of hilarity where we made up memes about Meatloaf and what he would and wouldn’t do. It was fun. And we need the laugh, quite frankly, things can get quite heavy in the community at times. They are all saying I will do anything to fight for my marriage, but in reality won’t do what it actually takes. But it’s a really appropriate term to describe the way that sometimes when addicts try to keep all the things. I Want To Fight For My Marriage: When Abusers Use The Meatloaf Technique Kirsten: Why wouldn’t they? They have a loving partner and a family, they’re taking care of all their stuff. Then on the side, they also have their addiction and whatever life they’ve built around that. They’ll say they want to fight for our marriage.” To be able to try and pr

If your in-laws enable emotional abuse, you’re not alone. Tragically, this is an extremely common occurrence for victims. Tanya shares her heartbreaking story of living through financial, physical, and emotional abuse – all while her in-laws enable her abuser. If you need live support, learn about our online Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions. Transcription: When Your In-Laws Are Emotionally Abusive Too Anne: I have a member of the BTR community on today’s episode, we’re going to call her Tania. I recorded this a few years ago. Welcome, Tanya. Tanya: Thank you so much for having me. Originally, I’m from Africa, but I moved to Canada when I was 16 years old. And I was young, my first time living without my parents. In our culture, we’re not supposed to marry out of the African community. But he was a football player. He moved to Canada from Africa to play a minor league, and when we met, it was pure bliss to meet someone like him. Because I came from a society that men are very, I can say, machos. Peer Pressure & Relationship Continuation Tanya: I had a couple family members involved in a very abusive relationship. And for me, it was easy to recognize, but I couldn’t break it off right away. Because it would be like dumb of me. So I had to get to know him and see what was going on. Anne: When you say dumb of you, why did you think at the time it would be dumb of you to break it off? Tanya: Because I thought that I didn’t give him a chance. Tanya: I had friends around me also that were like, you need to get to know him better so that you can make that decision. So I felt like because of the peer pressure that I had around me. Anne: So people are saying you can’t just judge him right off the bat. Because you need to get to know him better. How does it progress from there? Tanya: At that time I was only 18 years old. Also it was the first time living in a different country by myself. I was just like, okay, I can make my boundaries. Because I’m not married to him and he’s not really like my boyfriend. Additionally I have my apartment and I don’t have to go to his house. Long-Distance Relationship Challenges Tanya: But that summer, he got laid off from football, so he had to move back to the United States where there is another league that wanted him. I just felt like, yeah, he’s moving back to the United States. Also he’s an American. I just thought, yeah, our relationship is done. I don’t have to pursue that relationship anymore, but we reconnected again and we start dating. Then he decided, oh, do you want to come to visit? I said, yes. I just felt like, oh, I can rescue him for some reason, I just thought like, I can talk to him. Maybe influence him in a better way because the difference between me and him in what I felt like it was too wild. He was a football player, but I just started noticing differences amongst our values and whatever I believed about family. When I came to visit him here in the United States, I just told him, I don’t, think this is going to work. One, because I’m just starting to see that our personalities don’t really go together. First Major Incident Of Anger Tanya: And right away I saw this anger come out of him. I couldn’t believe so I grabbed my phone and called my friend. I said, he is angry. In fact he shows anger that I don’t think I can deal with. My friend said, again, I think you’re judging him for just one time situation. You are in his country. So you should chill out and calm down. He’s a good candidate for marriage. He would speak to my friends about marriage, saying he would like to marry me. That I’m a good person. That he likes me because I am not like this American woman. Instead, they’re more into material things, and I’m very grounded. So my friend said, you know, I think you should try it. First Major Incident Of Physical Abuse Tanya: He asked me to marry him. My friends threw a big engagement party. I left my job, left my apartment, my car, I moved to the United States. And that time his friend was also married with a woman from Columbia. She said, oh, let’s go to brunch. When we were at the brunch, it was only two hours. We took a long time to come home, because our car stopped and we were looking for someone to help us see what was going on with the car. He was calling me, was calling me, was calling me. It took us three hours to get back home. As soon as we get back home, he pushes my phone. Then he throws the phone on the floor and grabs my computer. After that, he throws the computer on the ground. So everything is broken. My friend said, Tanya, what are you going to do now? Because you already accept this man proposal. So now do you want to return to Canada? What’s everyone going to say? Anne: Where’s your friend from Tanya: A couple of them were Canadians. When Your In-Laws Enable Emotional

If you’re experiencing narcissistic abuse, know that you’re not alone. Here are 5 ways to spot narcissistic abuse – Rachel shares her story. If you relate and need support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Transcript: 5 Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse Anne: I have Rachel and Megan Wilford on today’s episode. They are cousins, and they also recently started podcasting and their podcast is called the Traumedy Show. Which is of course, a mix of trauma and comedy. Welcome Rachel and Megan. Rachel: Thank you so much for having us. We’re so excited to be here with you. Megan: Thank you. Narcissistic Abuse: Discovering A Secret Life Anne: When I first found out that my husband was using explicit material, and that he had this secret life that I didn’t know about, we just had a baby. I think if I had not had children, then my life would have taken kind of a different turn at that point. But because I had a child. Also because he was saying, “I’m going to go to a pornography addiction recovery.” I thought okay, I’ll try and work this out because we’ve got a kid. Comedy As A Coping Mechanism For Narcissistic Abuse Anne: Anyway, instead of, starting podcasting about that at that time, I actually started a comedy blog called Coming To Grips. I got a lot of followers, which was fun, but I never wrote about what was actually happening. So I was processing my pain through the lens of comedy. I think a lot of comedians do that. I’ve since pulled it from the internet. When my book comes out, I will be simultaneously publishing my comedy blog. So people can kind of read them side by side, to be like, okay, this is what was really happening. And then this is how she was kind of . . . Anne: This is the public face that I was showing online. I was telling people in person, but I wasn’t really publishing online about it. Megan: Processing it. The Traumedy Show Came Out Of Narcissistic Abuse Rachel: I love what you just shared about using comedy to process what you were going through. Because that’s what we do too. I think we would say that we come from a family of traumedians. We have a big family and we all lean into dark humor and laugh a lot. We’re a bunch of jokesters. When my life started blowing up, I definitely was leaning into comedy about it pretty quickly. The day that I left my ex-fiance, I started dreaming about what I could do with my whole story. Coming up with one liners about it. I was thinking about like a standup comedy set, just dreaming big. Then I ended up getting into another relationship in the winter. About six months after, that also imploded in a similar way. And for about a week after that relationship ended, I was in this really crazy creative processing mode. Where I was writing all the time and I was so mad and all these words were coming to me. Then all of a sudden I lost it. Like it was like a cord was cut and I started asking God, okay, where can I channel this now? So I started creating our podcast all day long, came up with the artwork, came up with the name. I invited Megan over and sat her down and pitched it to her and she was down for it. That’s how the podcast came to be. Anne: Let’s start with that. Five Ways To Spot Narcissistic Abuse Anne: This episode is called Five Ways to Spot Narcissistic Abuse. So as Rachel tells her story, I’m going to flag the things that indicated, hey, this is a situation that is emotionally dangerous, that is psychologically dangerous. So I’ll be pointing those out as she shares her story. Can you start at the beginning? How did your relationship start? Did you recognize any red flags at first? Rachel: I would say that there were red flags from the beginning, but I started dating him really young. I was 17 and he was 20 and he was from my same hometown. We had never met before, but he friended me on Facebook. It was back in the day when everybody was just kind of friending everybody on Facebook. But we quickly started talking and quickly started dating. I’m 29 now. I was with him for about 10 and a half years. Just as a spoiler alert, there’s two engagements in this story too, with him. Yeah, wait. Anne: Can’t wait. Rachel: Good. So, I would say pretty early on I started spotting lying and hiding things. 1st Sign Of Narcissistic Abuse: Making You Think Something Is An Accident Rachel: He pretty quickly put me and his ex in a group chat accidentally a couple of months into our relationship. Anne: “Accidentally?” Do you think it was on purpose now? Rachel: No. He had a lot of technological blunders over the course of our relationship. That kind of led to me finding things out and the demise of the whole thing. Anne: Maybe that’s going to be number one red flag. I’m going to say here that they do things on purpose sometimes. And they make you think it’s an accident. That’s not

When a man chooses to have a secret sexual basement, he’s abusing his wife. Here’s why. A secret sexual basement refers to a hidden life that a man conceals from his wife and children. This hidden life may involve activities such as pornography, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, or workplace sexual harassment. Having A “Secret Basement” Is Abuse Here are all the abusive ways a man keeps his behaviors hidden from his wife: Manipulation Lies Gaslighting Emotional neglect Did you know there are 19 different types of emotional abuse? Take this FREE emotional abuse quiz to determine if your husband’s secret basement qualifies as emotional abuse. A Secret Basement Is Abusive Even if a man is fully transparent about his activities – thus having no “secret” basement – if he feels entitled to sex, he is still abusive. At BTR.ORG, we understand how difficult it can be to accept that your partner’s betrayal is abuse – especially if you have been conditioned to believe that your partner is addicted and needs your support to “heal”. If your husband has been lying to you about his secret life, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session TODAY. Get the support you need. Transcript: What Is A Secret Sexual Basement? Anne: It’s just me today. I’m going to talk about the secret basement. A secret basement is when a man has an entire life that his wife and kids don’t know about. That life can include any or all of these things: pornography, masturbation, prostitution, sexting, affairs, sexual assault, sexual harassment at work . It could be why he’s on his phone all the time. He compartmentalizes his life so that when he’s with his wife and children, he’s an upstanding member of society. Then he has this other part of his life. He participates in behaviors that would absolutely devastate and shock his family, colleagues and church community. The type of man who would have a secret basement is, at his core, a liar. He doesn’t live in truth, because there’s no truth in him. The character of a man with a secret basement has no respect or care for integrity. Meaning he doesn’t care if his actions are inconsistent with his statements. He doesn’t have an integrity disorder. He just doesn’t have integrity. So this isn’t necessarily him breaking his marriage vows, although he absolutely has broken his marriage vows. It’s the opposite. Like he saw this public act of making marriage vows as a good way to deceive people about his true character. Let’s pretend for a minute that he was very genuine when he made his marriage vows, he did those honestly. If he is honest, then when he wants to break his marriage vows. He would tell his wife, hey, I know I made these marriage vows. I now would like to break them and I’m going to break them in this way. Traits Of Men With Secrets Anne: I’ve never heard of a cheating man or a man who uses exploitative material doing that, not once. Why? Because a man with a secrets is a liar. That is his character. A man with a secrets is also exploitative. His character is based on the belief that he’s entitled to exploit people, especially his wife. When it comes to it, he puts his desire for it and his ability to do whatever he wants when it comes to it. Above the basic care or rights of other people. So in a nutshell, a man with a secrets lies and exploits people. The addiction, industrial complex or treatment complex would like women married to men. Who have this type of character to believe it’s an addiction issue. But entitlement isn’t an impulse control problem, a brain problem, or a willpower problem. It’s just a character problem. This is a man who thinks, I deserve to watch it. It’s my right. If you get in my way or cause me problems, complain or whine about me doing this thing that I’m entitled to do. You are taking away my rights. You’re oppressing me. I am entitled to it from you. And if you don’t give it to me or let me do it in some other way, it’s a miscarriage of justice. And that’s how men with this type of character end up playing the victim over and over again. Because a man with this type of character will feel very oppressed when he’s not able to get what he thinks he deserves. He’s going to think you’re taking his rights away. Or oppressing him if you confront him about his use, or how he’s harmed you. The Role Of Deception & The Impact On Wives Anne: Men with secret basements use deception, as they use. That they don’t want their wife or anyone to know about. They’re not engaged in those behaviors because they’re an addict, although they are an addict. They believe, at their core, entitled to that. And believe their desires are equal to air, and if they don’t “breathe,” they&#

Betrayal trauma occurs when you’ve experienced (or are still experiencing) your husband’s emotional and psychological abuse. If you recently found out your husband has been lying to you, using pornography, or other infidelity, here’s what you need to know. If you relate and need support? Learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Support Sessions. What Is Betrayal Trauma? Betrayal Trauma is caused by your husband’s chronic and systematic betrayal. This betrayal includes infidelity in the form of affairs, hook ups, secret pornography use, etc, and is covered up or justified by emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual, and financial abuse. To discover if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take this FREE emotional abuse quiz. Am I Overreacting Or Am I Traumatized? If you’re second-guessing whether you have Betrayal Trauma, look at the list of symptoms below. Keep in mind that not every victim will experience every symptom. And please remember – it’s normal to be deeply affected by your husband’s betrayal. You’re not crazy or overreacting. 26 Symptoms Of Betrayal Trauma Feeling helpless Hopelessness Sleeplessness Restlessness / Over achieving Anger / Rage Fear Forgetfulness Difficulty concentrating or focusing Hyper-vigilance Sensitivity Anxiety Nightmares Flashbacks / Intrusive images / Reliving Conversations or events Immobility / Agoraphobia Withdrawing Avoidance Mood swings Panic attacks Depression Confusion Dissociation Inability to eat Overeating Chronic fatigue Immune/endocrine system problems Tight and sore muscles I Have Betrayal Trauma – What Next? First and foremost, please offer yourself radical compassion. As you come to accept that you’re experiencing Betrayal Trauma. At BTR, we encourage victims to focus on their own emotional safety and wellness as the first priority. To do that you need to learn more about what’s been happening to you. Listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. For more information about what’s really going on and how to find peace. Choose To Focus On Your Emotional Safety & Wellness You didn’t cause your husband to betray you. But now that you know, you will need support. Please know that you are NOT alone. At BTR.ORG, we know the seemingly endless and daunting devastation of betrayal trauma. The horror of realizing that your life is not what you thought it was. We understand the loneliness of waking up next to someone who has broken your heart. We know the anger and sadness that seems all-consuming. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process these difficult feelings. And find a community of women who understand your pain. Attend today and begin your journey to healing. Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms Transcript: Do I Have Betrayal Trauma? 26 Symptoms Anne: It’s just me today. We’ll talk about betrayal trauma. I’d hazard to say, at least millions of women across the globe experience betrayal trauma. The best way to explain betrayal trauma comes from the Greek word wound. Trauma is the resulting wound from whatever occurred in an event or situation. If it injures us, we end up with a wound. So we can use either the word wound or trauma. Trauma means going through something really upsetting that leaves a mark or a wound. This could be a wound on your body, like if you get hurt in a car accident or get shot. People can see these kinds of wounds. But trauma can also be something that hurts your feelings or mind, like if someone is mean to you all the time. This kind of wound is not visible, but it can still hurt a lot. All types of trauma come from things that are really hard to deal with. Psychological and emotional trauma isn’t visible to anyone, even the victim. Because no one can see it, and because generally men do not believe women. There’s this sense that the wound doesn’t exist. Instead, you’re broken, which isn’t true. This is where things get dicey. Because, if you have trauma and been wounded, there was a cause. A wound doesn’t just occur out of thin air. Which is why men don’t listen to women. So the proof he injured her is their hurt or trauma. And if he’s the type to exploit and objectify women. He has no concept of her actually having an inner world. Denial & Exploitative Behavior’s Wounds: Psychological & Emotional Trauma Anne: If he’s using a hammer, he never thinks, is the hammer going to be injured? He doesn’t think the hammer has feelings? Or that it even could be injured. If it breaks, he might need to get a new hammer. So if it’s not working the way he thought it should, he might want to get a new hammer. A man with an exploitative character thinks about women in that way. She’s a tool, and if she’s not working. If she’s not useful. Then it’s time to get a new one. This absolute deni

If you’re wondering, “How do I know if my husband is abusive?” You’re not alone. Hearing the stories of other women can help you know what to do next. Coach Jo is a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Coach who had to ask herself that question in two different marriages. f you relate with her experience learn about Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions here. Your Husband Is Abusive If His Exploitative Materials Use = Coercion Women have the right to information about their partner’s behaviors before choosing to be intimately involved and committed to him. A man is not giving his partner the ability to make informed consent if he withholds information about exploitative materials use. This is called coercion and it is abusive. An appropriate conversation would include her partner disclosing the full truth his use and other behaviors prior to intimate contact. Often, women find that they are in a relationship for several months or years with a user before discovering his secret behaviors. He’s Abusive If He’s Using Psychological Control Tactics Gaslighting, lying, and manipulation are all psychologically abusive tactics. Psychological abuse differs from emotional abuse in that it is intended to make the victim question her own reality. Often, psychological abusers will take the stance that they “didn’t do it intentionally” or that it “wasn’t calculated.” Perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so depressed from their abuse that she fantasizes about suicide every day…. or perhaps they didn’t intend for their partner to become so unsure of her reality that she truly wonders if she is insane… but they were intentionally choosing to protect their acting-out behaviors by not being honest and forthright. Every abuser is completely accountable for their every word and action. The consequences on victims can be overwhelmingly tragic and abusers must face the reality that even if it wasn’t “calculated”, it was still intentional. Exploitative Material Use is Emotionally Abusive Betrayed women suffer from Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal Trauma is a symptom of abuse, not addiction. Betrayal in and of itself is emotionally abusive. It creates feelings of immense anguish, rejection, terror, and grief. At BTR, we understand that it’s not “just pornography”. We understand that your world is crashing down around you. We’re here for you. Transcript: How Do I Know If My Husband Is Abusive? Anne: I’m so excited to have coach Jo on today’s episode. She’s one of our amazing BTR coaches. All of the coaches here at BTR have been through this and are now able to live free through strategy and boundaries. I’m so passionate about only having women who have been through this on our team. Jo facilitates Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions and also Betrayal Trauma Recovery Individual Sessions here at BTR. She’s incredible. And I’m so grateful to have her. How To Tell If My Husband Is Abusive Anne: Coach Jo was married to two different abusers. Let’s start with the first one. Did you recognize that he was an abuser at first? Coach Jo: I didn’t have a clear understanding of what abuse was before we were married. Then pretty quickly it became apparent that there was something wrong, and that it wasn’t safe. I didn’t have the words for that initially, but it became clear very very quickly. It started on the honeymoon. The second night of the honeymoon he left me in the hotel room for a couple of hours. I had no idea where he had gone. This is pre cell phone. I was distraught and wondering what the heck had happened and what I had gotten myself into. Is My Husband Emotionally Abusive? Anne: At the beginning it’s hard to know the difference between emotional abuse vs. normal conflict. What happened after this? Coach Jo: There were explosions at the house, a lot of angry outbursts, a lot of name calling, a lot of breaking things. I had no idea what to do. Then we went on a trip together and got lost in the middle of the night. We were circling around looking for our exit or the connecting road, this was before GPS. He was cussing and screaming and driving like a maniac. Every time we went over an overpass, he would threaten to drive off the overpass. This went on for probably a good hour and a half. And by the time we reached our destination, I locked myself in the bathroom and couldn’t move. There was 20 years of that kind of behavior. We have five children together. Anne: How did you describe his behavior when you didn’t know it was abuse? Coach Jo: I told one relative and she said communicate better, try not to trigger him, walk on eggshells around him. It never even occurred to me to ask myself, is my husband abusive? I did bring it to clergy. Of course my husband was in the room too, and the response that I got was, &#

Emotional abuse survivors overwhelmingly report that hearing other emotional abuse survivor stories helped them get to emotional safety. If you’re experiencing your husband’s emotional abuse, check out our daily, online support group for women. We’d love to see you in a Session TODAY. Key Points from Emotional Abuse Survivor Stories Hearing Survivor Stories Offers Hope and Validation: Many emotional abuse survivors find that listening to others’ stories helps them feel less alone, validated, and supportive in their journey toward emotional safety. Support Groups Provide Crucial Comfort and Community: Joining online support groups, like BTR, offers emotional survivors a sense of routine, understanding, and connection with others who share similar experiences. BTR Helps Survivors Recognize and Understand Abuse Patterns: Through coaching and community, survivors learn to identify abusive behaviors, understand their trauma, and develop strategies for healing and safety. Stories Show the Power of Education and Resources: Sharing survivor stories helps women realize they are not crazy, empowering them with the knowledge needed to break free from abuse and seek healing. Healing Is Accelerated Through Connection and Support**: Continued participation in groups and therapy, along with shared experiences, significantly transforms survivors’ lives, helping them feel safe, validated, and stronger. Transcription: Emotional Abuse Survivor Stories Anne: Today’s episode is a montage of stories from emotional abuse survivors. I’m also super humbled as I listened to these stories. I honor all the women searching for answers. Who are genuinely trying to save their families. Not knowing what to do and getting harmful information from therapists, internet articles or clergy. Including resources that haven’t helped them understand the abuse. Honoring Survivor Stories I want to thank everyone for listening. Above all I hope that BTR is helpful. The thought of any woman being in an abusive situation and not understanding what it is, is heartbreaking to me. Also, a thank you to all of you who have shared our material on social media or shared it with friends. In an effort to educate more women. So with that, here are their stories. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #1 I have been in therapy for 12 years. Only now have I felt that I have the expert care and clarity that I have been searching for. You and this whole group are what I call, proactive. Where before it was just wishy washy, hit or miss, psycho-babble type of therapy. This group is exactly what women need, to recover from betrayal trauma, and I cannot thank you enough. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #2 This group is new to me. I have been in not a good place for about three years. This is the first time that I have had other people share their stories. Where I felt so validated. I could totally relate. This isn’t just me. I’m not going crazy. I can stand my ground and create boundaries to keep myself safe. To keep my kids safe. I have multiple daily options to check in, check out, share, not share, listen. The isolation that I felt before is starting to dissipate. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #3 I arrived at BTR in full blown trauma. Never having known what he was doing for years, and prior to we were married. Thank God that this is the place that I found. Because there was love and nurturing and education. All of the coaches are friends to walk with me and support me and I will forever be grateful. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #4 I had been in therapy for a while, years, and at least a year with Chuck before I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery. There were no breakthroughs or anything. It was just the same cycle. Now that I know what it is, it was the same cycle of abuse. Happening over and over and over again with no real solution. When I found BTR, I I honestly was trying to find reasons in my head as to why the group wouldn’t be good for me. Because I knew it was gonna change everything about my life. It did because I joined the group right before I initially separated from Chuck. So having BTR during that time of separation got me through. And then helped me make the decision to separate permanently and just not want to be with him anymore. I wouldn’t be here and be growing the way that I am without BTR. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #5 Betrayal Trauma Support Group has been very important for me through this journey. I can just very succinctly say that it has saved my life. Chiefly I would say just simply that. Without BTR I wouldn’t be here. Emotional Abuse Survivor Story #6 For years we’d have fights. I would go to the internet to find out how I could be better. So that we could stop having fights, I would always search. And article after article was never right. I just knew. And finally one day I stumbled upon the BTR podcast and I don’t really like listening to them. I like to read

Voicing the agony of betrayal trauma can come in many different forms. Ralynne Riggs, a professional singer and victim of betrayal and abuse, shares her experience. She created a YouTube cover of the song Anything Worth Holding On To. Transcript: Voicing the Agony Of Betrayal Anne: I’ve posted the music video we’re talking about today on our YouTube channel. So after you’ve listened to this episode, click here to find Betrayal Trauma on YouTube. This music video really captures the emotions that women go through when they’re experiencing betrayal trauma. So many women feel this way. They’re going to relate when they see it. Once you see it, you’ll know what I’m talking about. It’s incredible. And I really want to get this video out there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0UGEHQNHKw The Agony Of Betrayal: Help Us Go Viral Anne: So maybe with your help. We can get it to go viral. Anything you can do to help us go viral would be greatly appreciated. So go to YouTube and watch it. Like it, share it, subscribe to our YouTube channel. Ralynne Voices Her Agony Through Music Anne: Ralynne Riggs is the woman who created this music video. She was born and raised in Chandler, Arizona. Her passions include singing, dancing, acting, horseback riding, baking and making movies. As you will see when you go to our YouTube channel. As well as being the favorite aunt to her beautiful nieces and nephews. Since she was young, her greatest passion has been the stage. She received her bachelor’s degree in vocal performance from Brigham Young University and has performed as a leading soprano throughout the U. S., China, and Austria. After graduation, she became a lead singer for Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida and on a Disney cruise line. Ralynne has learned the importance of hard work, confidence, self worth, and perseverance in bringing one’s dreams to life. Her mantra is you can do anything. If you just do it. Welcome Ralynne. Ralynne: Thank you so much Anne. Anne: So I’m hoping by this time people have paused this podcast. They’ve gone to our YouTube channel. They have seen this amazing music video that you made. I hope they shared it and commented. I’m hoping that they’re letting their friends and family know about this incredible video. Also that they’re understanding that this can help their friends and family. And other people understand the pain that victims go through. So you were prompted to create this video to help educate people about betrayal trauma. Initial Discovery Of His Betrayal Anne: But before we get to that and what happens with that, let’s start with your own personal story. Did you know about your husband’s pornography addiction before you married? Ralynne: I did know a little bit about his addiction before we were married. There was one night when after things were more serious in our dating that he approached me. He said there were things in his past that he wanted to make me aware of. So that I truly knew everything about him. He shared with me that he struggled with this throughout his teenage years. But you know, I was kind of naive to the problem, to how serious a addiction could be. What that all entailed. I didn’t know the right questions to ask. I thought, well no one’s perfect, and I asked him if he had struggled with it since. Because he said he had cleaned up and didn’t struggle with it at all. To me, I thought, well, that was brave of him to bring that up with me and share it with me. And I believed him and I didn’t know what else to ask about it. The Agony Betrayal: Your Husband Is Lying To You Anne: Even if you had, because we know that users often lie about their use. Or abusive men often lie and manipulate. So even if you had known the so-called right questions to ask, that likely wouldn’t have helped you. What we find helps women more, and you know this now, is what behaviors to look for. And you also didn’t know that at the time what a cheating husband says. What was your reaction to his disclosure about viewing and acting out with explicit material after you married? The Agony Of Betrayal: Infidelity Ralynne: Well it was about five months into our marriage that he called me very distraught and crying. And telling me that I needed to come home because he needed me. I didn’t know what was going on. And then I got home. He shares with me that he viewed and acted out to explicit material. In my mind I was thinking, okay. So all of a sudden after four or five years of not viewing it, you’ve gone back to it. Why? So, as a new bride, I of course was sitting there in utter shock. I felt immediately like it had something to do with me. Was I not enough? Why would he go back to this now? And I mostly was just in shock and disbelief. But he also seemed so sorry when he told me that. My immediate reaction was, I love you. Thank you for being hon

Have you experienced emotional abuse from your husband? Maybe in the form of sexual betrayal. If so, here are five affirmations for emotional abuse victims. 1. I Am Enough Abusive relationships often diminish a person’s self-worth. Victims are led to believe they need their abuser for validation. By repeating the affirmation, I AM ENOUGH, victims can begin to rebuild their self-esteem and recognize their intrinsic value. Say out loud: I AM ENOUGH 2. People Have To Earn My Trust & Love Many victims are conditioned to give unconditional trust and love. This affirmation encourages survivors to set boundaries and engage only in healthy relationships. Saying PEOPLE HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST AND LOVE empowers victims to take control of their emotional well-being. If you’re still struggling to know if your husband really is emotionally abusive, take my free emotional abuse test. Say out loud: PEOPLE HAVE TO EARN MY TRUST AND LOVE 3. What Happened To Me Is Not My Fault Victims often internalize blame for their abuse. They may question their actions and feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior. Repeating WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NOT MY FAULT helps survivors shift the blame away from themselves and recognize the true source of the abuse. To learn more about why emotional abuse isn’t your fault, listen to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Say out loud: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME IS NOT MY FAULT 4. I Will Grow While nothing justifies the pain of emotional abuse, using affirmations can help victims find strength and meaning in their experiences. I WILL GROW motivates survivors to transform their pain into personal growth, promoting resilience and healing. Say out loud: I WILL GROW 5. I Feel Compassion For Myself Practicing self-love and compassion can be challenging after experiencing emotional abuse. This affirmation encourages survivors to be gentle with themselves and prioritize self-care. Joining a Betrayal Trauma Group Session can offer additional support and understanding. Say out loud: I FEEL COMPASSION FOR MYSELF Why Affirmations Matter for Emotional Abuse Victims Affirmations are more than just words; they’re a powerful tool for cutting through the trauma and the emotional abuse left over in our heads. By integrating these affirmations for emotional abuse victims into daily routines, survivors can gradually heal and feel powerful in their lives. These positive statements serve as daily reminders of self-worth and potential for growth. Here’s a link to the first betrayal meditation, you can listen to for free. Transcript: The Best Betrayal Meditation To Heal From Infidelity Anne: Three betrayal survivors are joining me today to talk about how meditation helped them heal. For me too, at some point in my recovery, meditation was the only thing that helped me. So even though I searched for meditations on YouTube or the library or other places, there weren’t any meditations specific to our situation. We’re going to start with Pat. So Pat, how did the affirmations in my meditations help you heal? Pat: I love the focus on safety. I don’t think we talk about our safety enough in our culture. I found myself during the meditations really contemplating safety in my life. And I appreciated the process of walking through the idea of safety in all aspects of my life. It opened the door for me to process. I realized that I have never felt safe in my environment ever, especially with my ex husband. But I see how. It was a slippery slope, as I was numb to safety in my immediate environment during my marriage. I was conditioned to not feel safe as a woman in the culture. It was very helpful. I have four daughters, three adult daughters, and I still have one minor at home. Because I didn’t feel safe in my marriage. I subconsciously protected them from my ex husband, and now I know why. Empowerment Through Meditation Pat: After listening to the meditation, I’m feeling more empowered to help them. I noticed that they are also numb to experiences that risk their safety. Because they’ve been conditioned to not process their safety in their environment. Anne: So did the meditations, help you also heal from the emotional abuse you experienced and all the ways your husband was holding you back? Pat: Absolutely, the interesting thing about the meditation is that it’s not specific. Anne: It’s general, because I wanted women to adapt it to their own situation. Did it surprise you how specific it was to you and your experience, even though the meditation itself was relatively vague? Best Betrayal Meditation For Women Pat: Oh, absolutely, there’s a part in the meditation where you go through many ways that we can feel unstable. Really at risk in our environments, and you name off lots of different areas. And the one area, it was just safety. Safety was huge for me. I had no idea it was so big for me. You know, I’m almost three years into this si

For many women, signs of emotional manipulation don’t stop with their husband. It often spreads outward, into families, faith communities, friend groups, and even professional support systems. When a husband is emotionally manipulative, he rarely sounds cruel or obvious. He may speak in calm, loving, or reasonable ways that leave others confused about why his wife is so upset. Over time, this can create a painful dynamic where outsiders, often well-meaning people, begin echoing his version of events. Without realizing it, they may repeat messages that minimize her experience or pressure her to respond in ways that aren’t emotionally safe. Emotional manipulation can be especially destabilizing when it comes from people a woman expects to be supportive. Friends, family members, clergy, therapists, or neighbors may unintentionally reinforce harmful patterns, leaving her feeling isolated, blamed, or unsure where to turn. Here are seven signs of emotional manipulation that often appear after a woman reaches out for help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCFNQiZpDsg 7 Signs of Emotional Manipulation When SEeking Marriage Help 1. Advice that centers on him instead of your emotional safetyComments like, “He needs your support” don’t take into account that he might be lying or manipulating you. 2. Spiritual or moral language used to silence you.Phrases like, just forgive or don’t keep score, pressure women to look on the bright side, when really they need to seek emotional safety. 3. Undermining reality.Statements such as “it’s not that bad” or “you’re overreacting”, erase facts and blur the truth. 4. Discomfort disguised as reassuranceOften when someone is uncomfortable with hearing the truth, they rush to shut it down with statements like, “Everything will be okay.” When really they’re just pressuring a woman to stay silent. 5. Protecting his image over the truthIf you go for help and the people you ask for help are more worried about protecting his image than they are the truth, they might say something like, “You shouldn’t talk about your husband like that.”being. 6. Isolation through nicenessWell-meaning nice responses can leave you feeling alone, misunderstood, and less likely to reach out again. 7. Pressure to explain, convince, or educateBeing expected to justify why emotional manipulation is harmful drains energy that is needed for healing. Recognizing these patterns is an important step toward clarity. Emotional manipulation becomes even more powerful when it is reinforced by others, especially at the moment a woman is seeking understanding and support. How Education Helps You Recognize Signs Emotional Manipulation Sooner Many women have found answers listening to The FREE Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe place to ask questions, process trauma, and express your emotions. If you’re unsure if what you’re experiencing is normal or toxic, take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if he’s using any one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. TRANSCRIPT: Signs of Emotional Manipulation in Marriage Anne: I love hanging out with my good friend, Kate. Today we’re talking about signs of emotional manipulation, not just from your husband, but from other people he’s using to manipulate you. Because if he is manipulating you, he’s sometimes saying things in a loving, kind way and so he’s gonna talk to other people that way, and they’re gonna be like, “He seems so nice.” This is something that almost all 200 of the women that I’ve interviewed have faced, and Kate is really good at explaining why this happens. Kate: It’s not just religious. All culture is like, “Oh, you got to support your husband. You got to be the good wife.” I’m just like, “Support? What kind of support are you thinking? You mean like the first two years we were married where I just gave him so much love and support and it was amazing?” and then he lied. Anne: Sometimes really well-meaning people don’t realize that he’s been manipulating them. It’s extremely destabilizing when they don’t know what’s happening. Kate and I are going to focus on the manipulation that comes from outsiders like therapists, clergy, friends, family, whose responses, even though they’re well-meaning can leave women feeling isolated, blamed, or unsure of where to turn. So if you’re having marriage trouble, you need to hear this. We’re gonna talk about how you might respond to these comments. A lot of these responses might be for our own entertainment or benefit, like in our own head. We wouldn’t necessarily say this out loud, right, Kate? Kate: Yes! Anne: We need to be strategic in the way that we speak. If you’re interested in learning strategy, please take my workshop, go

“My husband lied to me,” she repeated over and over. For a woman who finds out her husband has been lying to her for years, she always remembers the day she discovered his secret life. We frequently call it D-day or discovery day. Has this happened to you? If you feel alone and need support, we’re here for you. Learn about Group Support Sessions. Transcript: My Husband Lied To Me: What Is D-Day? Anne: Women who discover something awful about their husband always remember the day they found out. We frequently call D-day or discovery day, and generally they realize, “My husband lied to me.” It could stand for destruction day. Women who go through this divide time by before and after. Over the years, I’ve heard hundreds of thousands of D-Day stories. If you’re listening, I want you to think about your D-Day or how many D-Days you have. Some women have multiple D-days. My Personal D-Day Story When My Husband Lied To Me Anne: My first D-day is when my husband lied to me and said. “I’ve used porn a few times in the last few weeks, and I worry I might be a porn addict. So I’m going to start attending 12 step meetings for sex addicts. I’m so sorry. I’ll never do it again. I will totally get on top of this.” My second D- day is when I find out my husband lied to me many times. About all the lies he told and how much porn he used. It was shocking, but I still didn’t even know the truth. And my third D-Day is the day he is under arrest for spraining my fingers. You can read all about the details in my book, which will come out soon. https://youtube.com/shorts/KrRxSCGxPys Corrie’s D-Day, My Husband Lied To Me Anne: A member of our community, I’ll call her Corrie recorded her D-Day story and sent it in to share it with you. Corrie: I just wanted to share about my D-Day, mostly because today is the three year anniversary of it. It was a Sunday, I was at church, and at that time I had a young, colicky baby. So, church for me meant a lot of walking the halls and dealing with a sad baby. But that particular day, they had a special visitor come. I guess, from the Church’s Addiction Recovery Program, specifically on pornography addiction recovery. They came and talked to the women and men of my congregation about the Addiction Recovery Program. I was only able to hear a little bit of it. Since I was in and out with the baby, but I was just thinking at the time, wow, I’m so grateful I don’t have to deal with that. So we went home after church, and we got the baby and my older daughter down for a nap. And I was just talking to my husband, and I said something like, “I’m glad you don’t have that problem, so we don’t have to deal with it.” Then he has this look on his face, just this green, almost sick look. I said, “Am I right? We don’t have to deal with that, right?” I had thought it wasn’t even an issue. Before we married, I had asked him about it. But, my husband lied to me, he hadn’t been truthful. He had been living a lie. It was three days before our three year wedding anniversary. Which really pissed me off, because I was looking forward to our anniversary. The Trust Is Shattered When My Husband Lied to Me Corrie: I can’t even remember right now what we had planned, but it just changed the whole thing, and I didn’t know what to do. After that, I just froze. I couldn’t trust my husband anymore. That trust is completely shattered, and I didn’t know where to go from there. I have struggled with emotions, dealing with, sharing with, just feeling emotions. I grew up in a home where, especially negative emotions, were not okay. We don’t talk about real things or negative emotion. We don’t talk about depression, anxiety, or pornography addiction. I didn’t know how to handle it. So I just froze. It took me a long time, in fact, it wasn’t until this year. When my husband had another relapse, and I was done. I started focusing on me, and that has helped me. It’s been good for me to look back on this, the third anniversary of my D-Day. And see the crushed person I was back then, and how it didn’t destroy my life. Anne: Corrie, thank you so much for your bravery and recording your D-Day story. Getting The Right Support Anne: If you would like to record your D-Day story, you can record it on your phone using voice memo, and then email it to [email protected]. If I get enough of them, I’ll compile them into one episode and air that in the future. If you’ve just had a D-Day, the first one or the second, no matter what D-Day it is. When you find out “My husband lied to me.” And you don’t know what to do. The first step is to educate yourself about this type of abuse, and get the right support. When I went through it, even though I went for help. The professionals I went to knew no

If you’re searching for an emotional abuse checklist, you’re looking for clarity. I’m an emotional abuse expert. My team has helped over 8,000 clients identify emotional abuse and thrive. And I’ve noticed that most victims of emotional abuse in marriage have been told, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You expect too much.” You’ve probably wondered, Is it me? Emotional abuse is often subtle. It hides in half-truths and conversations that never quite resolve. This emotional abuse checklist will give you a clear picture of the patterns. Because emotional abuse isn’t just isolated incidents. To learn more, take my free emotional abuse test. What Is Emotional Abuse? Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior used to control, confuse, belittle, intimidate, or dominate another person. But it likely won’t feel that way. It’s usually not obvious yelling or cruelty. Many emotionally abusive men seem like really nice guys. That’s why having an emotional abuse checklist matters. Emotional Abuse Checklist Use this checklist to look for patterns. One isolated moment does not mean someone is emotionally abusive. Repeated patterns do. 1. Chronic Lying Your husband lies about serious matters, such as: His whereabouts How he uses his time Money or financial decisions Porn use or masturbation Emotional or sexual affairs The real reasons for his actions When confronted, he minimizes, deflects, or becomes angry. 2. Withholding Information He: Rarely shares his thoughts or feelings Says, “You wouldn’t be interested” Gives vague or incomplete answers Plays dumb when asked direct questions Refuses to provide financial transparency Withholds access to accounts or income details Walks out when discussions get serious Withholding is a way of controlling your perceptions. 3. Discounting Your Thoughts and Feelings He says things like: “You’re too sensitive.” “You’re jumping to conclusions.” “You blow everything out of proportion.” “You always have something to complain about.” “Why do you always twist everything around.” “You’re looking for a fight.” He says your valid concerns are unreasonable. 4. Mood Control He: Makes the house tense with his moods Refuses to acknowledge obvious problems Pretends everything is fine when it clearly isn’t Everyone adjusts to him. 5. Disparages You, But Disguises It as A “Joke” He says: “You’re my ball and chain.” “You would get it if you were smarter.” “What else can you expect from a woman?” “Your blond is showing.” When you object, he responds: “You don’t have a sense of humor.” “You can’t take a joke.” Humiliation disguised as humor is still humiliation. 6. Blocking Conversation He: Pretends not to hear you Looks at his phone while you talk Storms out mid-conversation Says, “The discussion is ended.” Rolls his eyes while saying, “Quit yakking.” Says “Who asked for your opinion?” Stonewalling is a control tactic. 7. Financial Secrets When you ask about money, he says: “You have plenty.” “I’m not going through receipts.” “It’s too complicated for you.” “All you married me for is my money.” “Do I have to account for every penny?” He shifts accountability back onto you. 8. False Accusations When you raise concerns, he says: “You don’t respect me.” “You don’t love me.” “You’ve never supported me.” “If you won’t have sex with me, who are you having it with?” He accuses you of things that aren’t true. 9. Blame Shifting He says: “When you pester me, of course I get mad.” “I wouldn’t look at porn if you met my needs.” “I was going to do it, but not if you keep bugging me.” He blames his bad behavior on you. 10. Character Attacks Instead of addressing issues, he says: “The trouble with you is…” “You’re stupid.” “Really? It’s like you’re never satisfied.” “You’re a bad mom.” “You don’t care about anyone.” He attacks your identity. 11. Trivializing Accomplishments He minimizes your efforts: Makes sarcastic comments about your projects Dismisses your work as insignificant Claims shared ownership of what you built alone You feel small instead of supported. 12. Undermining the Family He: Prioritizes his wants over family needs Disappears for hours or days Leaves you to manage all responsibilities Makes decisions without considering impact The family orbits around his desires. 13. “Forgetting” or Denying Reality He says: “I never said that.” “You’re making that up.” “We never had that conversation.” “You’re upset about nothing.” This is gaslighting. Over time, you question your memory. 14. Ordering and Demanding He says: “Get rid of this.” “You’re not wearing that.” “Shut that off.” He commands rather than collaborates. 15. Subtle Threats He says: “If you act like that, I’m going to…” “When you do that, it makes me very angry.” “If you won’t meet my needs, I get depressed.” Threats do not have to be overt to be effective. 16. Anger as Control He: Yells Glares Punches walls Throws objects Gets inches from your face Unpredictable anger creates fe

If your narcissist ex won’t leave you alone—even after the divorce—you’re not imagining it. Whether he’s using the kids to keep contact, pretending he “doesn’t understand email,” or insisting you “just talk like adults,” the truth is this: it’s not communication—it’s control. Here are 6 powerful strategies women are using to break free from a narcissistic ex-husband who won’t back off. These are real, battle-tested tools used by women like Lee, a mother of three who shared her story on The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. You can read the transcription of her interview below. 1. Believe Yourself If he says, “You’re being dramatic”, that’s a lie. The anxiety you feel before checking your phone—that’s real. If something feels off, that’s because it is. The first step to escaping a narcissistic ex’s manipulation is recognizing what’s happening. It’s harassment, not communication. 2. Get Everything in Writing If he says he “doesn’t know how to use email”—he’s lying. He just doesn’t want proof of what he said. So, no more phone calls. No more casual conversations. Everything goes through written communication—ideally, a parenting app, like the message strategies taught in The Living Free Workshop. 3. Use the Broken Record Strategy Pick one clear sentence. Repeat it.Over and over and over. For example: “That won’t work for me.”“I’m sorry, I can’t do that right now.” Don’t explain, justify, or negotiate. Let him exhaust himself trying to manipulate you. 4. Don’t Fall for the “I’m Not Good With …” Act For example, if your ex-husband can Venmo his buddies, post on Facebook, or use GPS to track your location—he can send a basic email to your child’s teacher. The whole “I’m just not tech-savvy” excuse? It’s an exploitation tactic. 5. Learn Strategic Boundaries You don’t need to “communicate better.” You need a strategy to protect your sanity. Inside The Living Free Workshop, we walk through real-life scripts, tech setups, and boundary language you can start using right now—even if you’re still married. You can create emotional and logistical distance without waiting for permission. 6. Focus on You Once Lee created distance from her ex, she didn’t just survive—she started to thrive one small step at a time. You deserve more than survival. You deserve to rebuild your life on your terms. Start small. One clean spoon. One quiet night. One bold choice at a time. If you’re exhausted and terrified because your narcissist ex won’t leave you alone, you’ll relate to Lee’s story. Anne Blythe, M.Ed. and Lee talk about how the strategies from The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop helped turn the tide. Transcript: When Your Narcissist Ex Won’t Leave You Alone Anne: A member of the BTR community, we’re going to call her Lee, is on today’s episode. She’s going to be sharing her story. And then also how she implemented the strategies in the Living Free Workshop. Welcome Lee. Lee: Hi, thanks for having me. Anne: Many women in this situation go through years and years of emotional abuse and psychological abuse and they don’t even realize it. So let’s talk about your experience. You married really young. In the beginning did you realize it was abuse? Lee: No, I did not. Not until pretty much in my mid 30’s. I got married at 19 and we were really young. so I thought it was just a maturity thing and that eventually we’d get past that. There was also addiction and again I thought that was a just a thing. That we would be able to at some point get over once we grew up. I Thought Divorce Would Remove Me From My Ex-Husband’s Chaos Anne: What were some of the things that he was choosing? Lee: He really struggled throughout our entire marriage with exploitative material. Unfortunately, it just became a bigger and bigger problem. It was always in our home. I think I just became immune to that part of it. So I thought, Oh, as soon as we grew up, he’ll stop drinking and looking at it. Anne: A lot of victims have that feeling. Like okay, once he can get this thing under control, then he’s not going to act like this anymore. That’s hard to recognize that they are experiencing betrayal trauma from infidelity. That all of these behaviors are abusive. They’re not going to get better. What do you think was the biggest contributing factor to not recognize it was abuse throughout those years? I Didn’t Recognize How Comparing Myself To Other Women Kept Me From Seeing The Truth Lee: Comparison, and I feel like so many women do this, and this is something that I am so glad we get to talk about today, because I’ve been thinking a lot about it as I hear different stories from friends and family members. Just the idea that someone else’s situation is worse than yours. Or your life isn’t that bad because you have a nicer home, or my life isn’t that bad because he doesn’t say this to me. Or he comes home

If you’re Googling what is emotional adultery, you’re probably trying to make sense of something that feels wrong in your marriage—but isn’t obvious enough for anyone around you to take seriously. Maybe you’ve found videos on his phone. Or he’s glued to inappropriate media late at night. Maybe he swears it’s “not cheating” because “he’s not with a real person.” But in this podcast episode, Anne Blythe, M.Ed., founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and her mom break it down with startling clarity: If he is using inappropriate media and stimulating himself to it, he is having virtual sex. And virtual sex is adultery. Not metaphorical adultery.Not “almost cheating.”Actual adultery. And once you understand why, emotional adultery becomes much easier to recognize. Emotional Adultery Starts With THIS Here’s the simplest test: When he wants comfort, excitement, escape, or connection… who (or what) is he turning toward? If he’s giving his emotional energy, sexual focus, and bonding hormones to a virtual world (or to women on a screen) rather than you, then emotional adultery is already happening. It’s a real betrayal because it breaks the emotional, sexual, and spiritual exclusivity of the marriage. Why Using Inappropriate Media Is Emotional Adultery 1. It’s not “just looking”, it’s a sexual act As Anne’s mom says, men used to call this “phone sex.” The only difference today is the delivery method. If he is viewing inappropriate media and stimulating himself, he is performing a sexual act—just not with you. 2. He is forming a sexual experience with real people It’s not “a computer.” It’s a real woman on video (or it’s based on one). He’s using people as a product for his own gratification. 3. The body responds the same way it does in physical sex The same hormones and neurological bonding. Your marriage isn’t exempt just because the other person can’t see him. 4. Christ taught that lust itself is adultery “If a man lusts after a woman, he has already committed adultery in his heart.” That was long before smartphones existed. The principle still stands. 5. Most people minimize it because the truth feels awkward. No one likes picturing their husband sitting in front of a phone or computer, doing what he’s doing. So society softens the language. They treat it like a hobby. But minimizing something doesn’t make it less harmful. 6. Many of the women in these videos are exploited or coerced (or it’s AI based on real women) Emotional adultery isn’t “victimless.” 7. And finally: he is having sex with himself instead of you Part of the betrayal is that he’s bonding with himself while using another woman as the stimulus. This is not intimacy, it’s isolation to have sex alone. So What Is Emotional Adultery, Really? Emotional adultery is when a husband gives his emotional and sexual intimacy to something outside the marriage. It can look like: Virtual sex Obsessive use of inappropriate media Escaping into digital fantasy while avoiding real-life connection Arguing that it’s “not cheating” Hiding devices or deleting history Becoming emotionally unavailable, irritable, or defensive Prioritizing screens over the marriage It’s the slow, steady siphoning of intimacy away from you and into a world where he holds all the control. If you’ve been trying to convince yourself it’s not adultery because “he wasn’t with a real person,” this episode gives you permission to trust what your body already knows: It is adultery.It is betrayal.And it is abuse. The Hidden Signs of Emotional Adultery If you’re still unsure, here are some common signs women notice: 1. He’s emotionally distant or irritable without explanation. 2. He defends inappropriate media as “normal.” 3. He hides his screen, his phone, or his late-night habits. 4. His libido seems unpredictable—either detached or suddenly demanding. 5. He gets defensive when you ask basic questions. 6. He insists “every guy does it” to shut you down. 7. Your gut is screaming that something is wrong. Women almost always sense emotional adultery before they can prove it. You Deserve Safety, Clarity, and Support If your husband is engaging in virtual sex or any pattern that fits emotional adultery, you deserve support from women who actually understand what this means, not people who minimize it or blame you. Our daily support group is designed FOR YOU. We never shame you for refusing to accept emotional adultery as “normal. Transcript: What Is Emotional AduLTery? Anne: My mom is joining me today because lately she’s been on a soap box, an awesome soap box. That we should talk more about how exploitative media isn’t just viewing videos. Or pictures, but it’s actually virtual intercourse because it involves masturbation. It involves the bonding chemicals that you release during intercourse. I have a section of this in my book that will be coming out soon, about how masturbation is always part of the equation. It’s Emotional Adultery Because Of What He&#82

Have you been searching for the best support for betrayal trauma? Do you feel alone, scared, heartbroken, and sick over the betrayal and the consequences of his emotional abuse? Victims of betrayal and abuse deserve a safe space to process trauma, openly speak truths, ask hard questions, and receive validation. What is the best betrayal trauma support group? Here are 4 things to look for . . . 1. Is Your Emotional & Psychologial Safety The Top Priority? The best betrayal trauma support group will make your safety the top priority. No matter if you’ve discovered your husband’s betrayal today or been on your healing journey for decades. Here are some indications that a betrayal trauma support group isn’t safe: They don’t identify what the trauma is from They don’t identify you as a victim of emotional and psychological abuse You’re encouraged to not make any decisions that would distance yourself from the abuser Maybe they ask you to ignore what your husband is doing that is harming you Here are some indications that the betrayal trauma support group IS safe: No one cares about what’s going to happen to the abuser or how you getting to safety will affect him. You are validated. The other women in the group have been through what you’ve been through, and so they understand it on a very personal level. You’re not made to feel like your deficient or that you did anything wrong. In our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions, abuse is abuse. We’ll never blame you for any of it. 2. They Do Not Offer Services For Abusive Men Before you start attending a support group for betrayal trauma, make sure the professional you’re going to doesn’t offer services for abusive men. True experts on emotional and psychological abuse know that working with abuse victims AND abusers simultaneously is unethical If any therapist or program lets you know that they offer services for abusive men, you can know that’s not a support group for betrayal trauma that will be safe for you. 3. No One Will Ask You To Look Into What Part You Played Unlike traditional addiction therapists, we do not use the codependency model. We use the abuse model. This means we’ll never label you “codependent.” Too many therapists and clergy focus their energies on blaming the victim, rather than accurately treating the betrayal as abuse. If you go to a support group for betrayal trauma, and anyone there even suggests you played some part in your own emotional and psychological abuse, this is not a group that understands abuse. To avoid a support group that blames the victim, before you go, ask someone who goes to the group what the “trauma” you need a support group for is from. If they don’t say emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, don’t try to convice them. Just move on. 4. They Trust You To Follow Your Own Intuition If the betrayal trauma support group mentions or implies that you’re too sick or diseased or weak to follow your own intuition, it’s not ethically run. One of the hallmarks for abuse is undermining a woman’s confidence. If they’re telling to you “trust” them or they know better than you, look elsewhere. Women make a lot of progress by enrolling in The BTR.ORG Living Free Workshop that gives women lessons and exercises to get back in touch with theselves, so they can make decisions that are in their best interest. If you’re looking for the best betrayal trauma support group, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions are facilitated by specially trained betrayal trauma specialists who understand this type of abuse. We’d love to see you in a Session TODAY. Transcript: The Best Support For Betrayal Trauma On this week’s episode, I asked women their thoughts about the best support for betrayal trauma. betrayal trauma share their experiences with our coaches to see if Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Clients would want to stay after their group session and share their feelings and experiences with our podcast listeners. Some of them wanted to talk, and others wanted to write their thoughts and have me read them. Additionally I’m also going to read some reviews that we’ve received. When Therapy for Betrayal Trauma Falls Short Betrayal Trauma Victim #1: I had been to three therapists who told me it was all my fault and I needed to go do my family of origin work and stop trying to control my husband, but my husband was just continuing to stomp all over everything that was sacred that I was trying to build with him. He and the therapist and I were sitting there. I felt like there was a severed artery. It’s just spewing all over and nobody’s saying a word, and it felt just like gaslighting to me. I think therapy was very abusive because three different therapists in that codependent model were telling me those things. It’s infuriating that women are made to feel this way when they’re trying to get help. That’s all we did for the last two to three years we were together was S groups and CSATs

If you’ve been betrayed by your husband, you’ve probably replayed every conversation in your head. What he said. What it meant. Here are six things a cheating husband says that may seem innocent—or even remorseful—but are actually manipulative and abusive. 1. Cheating Husband Says, “It’s because you were pregnant.” At first, this sounds like a confession wrapped in vulnerability.But let’s be clear: blaming betrayal on your pregnancy is a covert form of abuse. He’s saying, “You made me do this.”He’s shifting responsibility for his betrayal onto your body, your choices, and your vulnerability. This isn’t guilt—it’s manipulation. 2. “I’ve had this addiction since I was a kid.” If your cheating husband says this, it might trigger your compassion—and that’s the point. Yes, trauma is real. But past trauma is not a free pass to traumatize others. When a man uses his childhood as a shield against accountability, he’s not trying to heal. He’s trying to keep you from leaving. 3. “Let’s” get help. This one is tricky. At first, it seems like progress. Counseling. Support groups. Healing. But what if he’s lying in those sessions? What if he’s telling the therapist half-truths—or worse, —or worse, repeating the kind of things a cheating husband says to shift blame onto you? Many women spend years in therapy trying to “fix” the marriage, when the real issue is that he’s abusive, not confused. 4. “You’re just not supportive enough.” If your cheating husband says you’re the problem, he’s counting on you to believe him. Women in these situations often over-function—working double-time to prove they’re loving, patient, faithful. Meanwhile, he’s lying, gaslighting, and keeping secrets. This isn’t a marriage. It’s a mind game. 5. “I’m sober now.” He might say he’s changed. That he’s not using anymore.But his actions don’t match. He’s distant. Emotionally cold. You feel invisible in your own home. But in public? He’s pouring your coffee. Smiling like the perfect husband. This tactic—acting loving in front of others while rejecting you in private—is covert emotional abuse. 6. “You’re emotionally Abusive.” This one is the hardest. When you finally draw a boundary or leave, the cheating husband says you’re the toxic one. He tells your church, your family, your friends:“She’s crazy.”“She ruined the marriage.”“I tried everything.” This tactic is called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. And it’s one of the most psychologically damaging parts of betrayal. Why It Hurts So Much When your cheating husband says things like this, the trauma goes deeper than infidelity. It’s not just about sex or secrets. It’s about emotional coercion and psychological manipulation. And if you feel confused, isolated, or like you’re slowly losing your grip on reality—you’re not crazy. You’re experiencing betrayal trauma. What You Can Do Next You deserve safety. Clarity. Truth. Take my free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing this. This interview dives deeper into one woman’s story. Pay attention and you’ll hear how her husband used every one of these to make her thing his cheating was her fault. Transcript: 6 Things Cheating Husband Says Anne: Kathleen a member of our community is on today’s podcast. She’s going to share her story. Welcome, Kathleen. Kathleen: Hi Anne. Thanks for having me on today. Anne: We’re grateful that you’re brave enough to share your story to help other women. We’re talking about how your cheating husband says that it’s your fault. So why don’t you start with your backstory? What was your situation? Kathleen: I guess from day one of my marriage, I felt like something wasn’t right and I could never put my finger on. We were, I thought, happily married, had a child. Then shortly after my second child was born, I just felt that something wasn’t right. Discovering His Infidelity Kathleen: I found out, unfortunately, that my husband was into exploitative material, and that was just devastating. I felt like everything was over. Although I didn’t want to end the marriage, I felt like my perfect world with my newer marriage, my two sweet children, our sweet little family was just ruined. It just was not what I thought it was. We immediately tried to get help. Unfortunately, he was lying to me. He blamed it on my pregnancy with my first and second child—something I later realized is exactly the kind of thing a cheating husband says to avoid taking responsibility. For years this went on with him dabbling in help. I just kept with it, trying to stay strong, trying to stay in the marriage. I never even thought this type of infidelity was abusive. We kept going and we had our good times and then our bad times. When things were bad, they were very bad. Things were good sometimes, but it was really not much to hold on to. So, we went on like this for probably fourteen to fifteen years until we got help together.

A lot of people say marriage is hard work. But what if it’s not? What if healthy marriage is easy and what you’re going through is something else? What if Marriage is Only Hard When… The so-called “hard work” of marriage may stem from unforeseen external circumstances, like health challenges, financial strain, or extended family issues for a short period. If your marriage is hard work, all of the time, it may be due to unseen harm inflicted by your husband through emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse. It’s often difficult to see that his behavior is manipulative or coercive. Take our free emotional abuse quiz to find out. And what’s worse, when we try to get help by going to couple therapy, or maybe clergy, or even friends and family, they don’t help. They often just say what everybody else does – “marriage is hard work.” If you need live support, attend a Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session today. Because we’re kind and empathetic, of course, we’re going to give our husband the benefit of the doubt, reframing what’s going on. We may say, “he’s just stressed” or “having a bad day.” We may also blame ourselves for not being able to make our relationship work (I know I did), not realizing that his exploitative character doomed the “relationship” from the start. So let’s find out if this is going on in your relationship. What If Emotional Abuse is Hidden? Does the Hard Work of Marriage Involve these 6 things? If the hard work you’re talking about involves these 6 things, it’s likely there’s something else going on: Confusion Going For Help (Over and Over) The Wrong “Diagnosis” (Several Times) Despair Abuse Education Making Your Way To Emotional Safety Here’s how these 6 things will show up if what you’re going through isn’t just the “hard work” of marriage. Transcript: If People Say Marriage is a Hard Work, Here’s What They Don’t Know Anne: All the abuse I talk about in Betrayal Trauma Recovery is hidden. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community is a community for women who trying to figure out how to improve their marriage. 1. Is Confusion Part of the Hard Work of Marriage? [Women know when something is wrong. We often don’t know what the issue is if there are cycles of confusion.] We resist by trying to figure out what’s going on. Most victims blame themselves or believe marriage is hard work. So, we try harder to improve our safety by learning to communicate better, believing the issue lies with us, especially if our husband says so. At first, we trust him without question. We believe that being a better wife or more patient will make things better. We convince ourselves that changing our behavior will fix the situation. Later, we realize the “hard work” involves trusting a man who doesn’t deserve our trust. Because we lack education or terminology to describe what’s happening when we talk to our friends, our friends might say, “oh, did you hear about the personality types?” [They give us basic relationship advice, or even just healthy living advice, because they don’t see the patterns or understand the dynamics. Even if marriage is hard work, it shouldn’t involve ongoing patterns of confusion.] 2. IF Marriage is Hard Work, Does It Mean searching for expert Help Over and Over Again? If your marriage is causing you to keep trying to find the right help, that’s not just “hard work”. Victims are smart. We can tell when we need help, and we can tell when we’re in over our heads. So consider this analogy. Let’s pretend like you’re in a college writing class. You write what you think is an incredible paper. You turn it in and you get a C. Hidden Emotional Abuse Leaves No Scars If you’re a smart person, you’re not afraid of hard work. So you say, “There’s apparently more for me to know. I’ll go get help from the expert, my writing professor.” You’re willing to trust them more than yourself at this moment, because they’re the writing expert. In this situation, a smart person would say to themselves, “I understand that my perception of my own writing may not be accurate. I’m actually not an expert writer, and my professor is. Plus, I’m not afraid of hard work. I’m willing to put in the effort to learn what I did wrong and improve it.” Analogy of the Writing Class Contrast that with a student who gets a C on a paper and thinks, “my writing professor is dumb. I know more than her.” Their writing isn’t going to improve much, and people probably think they’re delusional. I was a writing teacher for a time, and I had those two different types of students. https://youtube.com/shorts/tfDqyzHOKLI Some students thought their wr

Has your husband betrayed you? You are not alone. Anne and Missy share insights on healing from betrayal through recognizing betrayal, understanding manipulation, and finding support. If he’s betrayed you, there are resources available to support you. You are not alone, check out the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Session Schedule. Transcript: If Your Husband Has Betrayed You, You Are Not Alone Anne: Missy, a member of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community is on today’s episode. She is technically still married, although they’ve been separated for two years. She has two children. One is a teenager and another is a preteen. Let’s start with your story. Talk about how things first started and if you recognized your husband’s abusive behaviors at first. Missy: I don’t think that I did recognize his abusive behaviors at first. I think in a way I was the perfect person for his abusive behaviors. I grew up in a home where my father was very detached. He adopted me. My mom and I came as a package deal. There’s a lot of provision, but not a lot of love. My mother is also a very broken person. She grew up in an alcoholic home, a lot of domestic violence. There were a lot of behaviors and things. I learned, to love people despite it. I didn’t really question if this behavior or these words or any of this stuff was abusive. It was just when I married my husband. I think we were about two years in. We were in the ministry, he was a youth pastor. I had noticed a charge on one of our cards. I asked him, you know what is this? He was just very easy about it. He said something like, “Oh, it’s just a fraudulent charge. I’ve already called the credit card company. I’m working on getting it refunded.” I assume it’s a charge for porn, yes. I’m not even sure exactly what it was. I’d never seen it before. It is something x rated. I think that was my first instance with it. Confronting The Betrayal Missy: Then another one happened. I went to him again. What is this? What’s going on? Do we need to change this card? This time he wasn’t as easy with it. He was a little bit more agitated, a little more ugly about it. My questioning it, I think that was the seed for me then. When I started to realize the doubt, possibly this is not just an error. Maybe there’s something more. He was acting so weird about it. Maybe he wouldn’t shut down the card. He was like, we don’t need to shut it down. The first time he said it was fraud. We’re just going to take care of this. I think his exact words were, “You just need to get off my case about it.” We were still in the ministry. We lived considerably far away from my family. I didn’t have children at the time and would go home and visit for a week or two at a time. I had gone to visit and I came back. There was a VHS videotape that I found. Really dates me there. I remember handing it to him, I knew that it was a pornography tape because of the name. That’s when it blew up. Unfortunately, that night we were heading to a youth activity. Public Outbursts & Feeling Alone Missy: We were fighting all the way to the youth activity. We get there and there’s a youth team that’s waiting to come together in prayer. He and I are fighting. We pull up and he just loses it, jumps out of the car and starts walking down the road. Anne: That is a really common abusive thing to do. Did you know that? I don’t know if you know that. Jumping out of a car to say, I’m not going to take this anymore. Sort of, I’m not going to participate. It’s a strange form of control that most people aren’t aware happens. I just want to point that out if other women have been like, oh he has jumped out of the car and stomped away. https://youtube.com/shorts/mHgIHT2Dtrw Missy: Yeah, it’s a rural area. There isn’t any mistaking that he’s walking down the road. I’m so embarrassed because he’s basically throwing this temper tantrum walking down the road. I’m not gonna tell people what’s going on. The youth leader was like, what’s going on? He knew something had happened, he’s upset. He went and talked to my husband. They came back. I thought I was stuck. I didn’t know what to do at that point. We’re miles and miles away from support and family. We’re brand new to this ministry, this is our livelihood. He’s supposed to be the leader of the home. What am I supposed to do? There’s so much shame. You definitely don’t want to betray your husband by saying anything to anybody. It didn’t die, it just became this ugly thing between us that slowly deteriorated the ministry and us. I felt so alone. Truth Sinks In Anne: Did you go down the pornography addiction recovery route at all at this time? He needs help, let’s get him some help? Was there any

Victim blaming is an insidious form of abuse in and of itself. In the betrayal trauma community, abusers, clergy, therapists, and others blame victims for “their part” in the betrayal and abuse they experience at the hands of their partners. Recognizing victim blaming is an essential skill in the toolkit of every victim. Our Betrayal Trauma Recovery Group Sessions meet daily in every time zone and offers women the unique opportunity to process trauma, share their stories, ask important questions, and express hard feelings in a safe place. Victim Blaming Is Harmful To Women “We see time and time again women thinking: If I would have done something differently, if I looked different this wouldn’t have happened to me.” Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery When women are blamed by abusive partners, family, friends, and professionals for their partner’s abusive and compulsive behaviors, there can be deeply harmful effects. Because victims are conditioned to be compliant, many internalize false and harmful claims and begin to blame themselves. Furthermore, those close to the victim have the unique opportunity to help and support her. When they choose to blame her, overtly or covertly, they are enabling the abuser and putting the victim into harm’s way. What Does Victim Blaming Look Like? Wonder if you have experienced victim blaming? Here are some common statements that indicate that others are blaming you for the abuse and betrayal. How have you contributed to your husband’s infidelity? If you make yourself more available, he wouldn’t need to act out. If you take care of yourself a little more, he would be more interested. You need to be a safe person, so he won’t lie to you. You should forgive him and move on. How can you ever stay with him after this? Listen to the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast for more information on what victim blaming looks like. Transcript: How To Recognize Victim Blaming This episode follows Jenna’s Story:Part 1: Is It Wrong To Check Your Husband’s Phone? – Jenna’s ExperiencePart 2: The Best Way To Explain Betrayal TraumaPart 3: How To Recognize Victim Blaming – Jenna’s Story (THIS EPISODE)Part 4: When He Lies About Small Things, This Brilliant Analogy Offers Insight Anne: I have Jenna on today’s episode, she’s a member of our community. And she follows us on social media. We have accounts on Instagram @btr.org_ we’re on Facebook. You can see our page if you search betrayal trauma recovery. We’re also on YouTube at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, and TikTok @btr.org. Online Encounter with Misogynistic Advice Anne: Jenna has been seeing a lot of misogynistic advice. That’s actually common, and people don’t realize it’s misogynistic. She’s not seeing it on our social media accounts, of course, but other therapists or so-called experts. Also from family and friends, so she contacted me because she wanted to talk about this harmful advice. That she hears both on social media and in real life. Welcome. Can you talk about how this topic became important to you? https://youtube.com/shorts/f42gMRWCYd8 Realization of Victim Blaming Language Jenna: I had never noticed it before, because it was so normal. I had heard these phrases or words. terminology used quite often. So I never stopped to think about the way words are used, or how we talked about women in our everyday language was actually very damaging to women. I had a friend point it out, so I thought it would make a good conversation, because maybe there are other people who haven’t realized that yet. Anne: I think it’s interesting that it’s not just men who use this type of language. It’s women too. Jenna: Right. I mean, I still catch myself using terms or phrases or making assumptions about other women. I’m catching myself and trying to shift how I speak. Anne: Can you state the specific example that brought this to your attention on Facebook? Jenna: There were a couple. Personal Experience: Happy Wife, Happy Life Jenna: One of them was, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” The one that was personal to me was, “A happy wife. Happy life.” Because that one was actually shared the night before my wedding. At the rehearsal dinner. My then father in law gave a toast, and he shared his advice to my then husband. The only thing he had to share was “Happy wife, happy life”. That was it. At the time, I laughed, and everyone kind of laughed. And I never stopped to think that just seemed off. Throughout our marriage. I felt like my husband had that mindset, but it wasn’t authentic. Of I want to live in a way that we can both be happy, comfortable, and safe, but it was like whatever I can get away with as long as you’re happy is okay. If I can just fake it, if I can just put on this facade, if we can just keep women placated and hid

Abusers are enabled, as these myths are embedded into the population: therapists, clergy, friends, family, and neighbors, and random people on the internet, like a recent Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast reviewer who left a comment riddled with the 7 Toxic Myths about Emotional Abuse. If you need support from coaches who really understand abuse, check out our Daily Group Session Schedule. 7 Toxic Myths About Emotional Abuse Women with strong opinions, religious views, and world views should not be taken seriously. Emotional abuse advocates usually try to find someone to listen to their own story, and aren’t actually helping victims. If it doesn’t include physical violence, it’s not abuse. If it only happens once, or occasionally, it’s not abuse. A man can harm his partner, and it’s not technically abuse. Pornography use isn’t abuse. Betrayal isn’t abuse. These myths are dangerous: they enable abusers to keep abusing and they encourage victims to stay in abusive situations. 7 Powerful Truths About Emotional Abuse All women deserve a voice, especially victims of emotional abuse. As women share their stories, they can begin the journey to healing. Furthermore, strong world views, opinions and perspectives are absolutely necessary for women to begin healing. In an abusive situation, it is black and white: there is an abuser and a victim. There is the truth and there are lies. It does not take “two to tango,” and there are not “two sides” to the story of abuse. The most powerful advocates for victims of abuse, are survivors of abuse! As women courageously tell their stories to other victims, powerful communities filled with hope, healing, and validation are created. Physical battery is absolutely abusive, but there are many other forms of abuse that are equally destructive to another human being. Emotional abuse, psychological abuse, coercion, and betrayal are all forms of abuse that are just as serious as physical violence. When a man harms a woman, even once, it is abuse. Pure and simple. The phrase “isolated incident” has enabled too many abusers and has put too many women in mortal danger. Harm is another word for abuse. If someone is harming you, they are abusing you. Pornography is abuse: it’s abusive to partners, it’s abusive to children, it’s abusive to the women and children used in the industry. Betrayal is an excruciating form of emotional abuse. Transcript: 7 Truths About Emotional Abuse Anne: Today, I’m going to talk about seven toxic myths about emotional abuse. What Can Be Learned From A Bad Review? And this man’s review illustrates every one of these toxic myths. It’s the perfect example of what every victim is accused of when she’s trying to get to safety. It’s a perfect example of all the reasons she can’t get help, of all the reasons people dismiss her concerns. There are so many emotional abuse survivor stories and his review enlightens their struggles. So here is his review. He says, “To be fair, there are some nuggets of truth in this podcast. But there are still disproportionate numbers of problematic things going on with it. First of all, there seems to be a clear agenda with this podcast.” This statement makes me laugh, because it’s obvious there’s a clear agenda. He’s saying that like it’s a bad thing that I have a clear agenda. Of course, there’s a clear agenda. I say every week that men who use explicit content and commit adultery lie, manipulate, and psychologically abuse their wives. Adultery, lying manipulation, gas-lighting are abusive to your wife. So, yes, you hit the nail on the head. https://youtube.com/shorts/oK159VgBNyo Religious Overtones and Anti-Porn Sentiment Then he says, “It has lots of religious overtones and strong anti-pornography sentiment.” So here, he says if you’re religious, you should be dismissed. Because if you’re religious, then your opinions don’t matter apparently. And then secondly, if you oppose pornography, then you should be discounted. Why? I don’t know. On the betrayal trauma recovery team, we have agnostics, Catholics, Evangelicals, women from different faiths. We are interfaith and inner paradigm here. And all the women on the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Team are anti pornography because it is abusive. So, if he says we shouldn’t be listened to because we think it is abusive. He’s entitled to his opinion. We just disagree. So sir, religious people can be logical, and they can have something important to say. Also, people opposed to it can be decent logical people. But people who don’t want to see it as abusive will use any reason they can to discount people opposed to it. Validating Personal Experiences Anne: Then he says, “It comes across as the host uses the podcast to validate her own experiences and values”. Ye

Divorcing a narcissist is a nightmare. Anne Blythe, M.Ed. continues her heartfelt conversation with June from the BTR Community one year after she shared the first part of her story. Here the next chapter of her journey divorcing a narcissist. If you need support while experiencing narcissistic abuse, learn about BTR Group Sessions here. This episode follows June’s Story:Part 1: He Blamed Me for the Emotional Abuse – June Checks in One Year LaterPart 2: Divorcing A Narcissist – June’s Story Part 2 (THIS EPISODE) Transcript: Divorcing A Narcissist June’s One-Year Follow-Up: Divorcing A Narcissist Anne: I checked in with June one year later to see how she was doing. This interview happened one year after the episode you heard last week, but still a long time ago. You’ll hear my today voice popping in from time to time talking about The Living Free Workshop that I developed years after this time. I actually use these strategies and tools to completely deliver me and my kids from abuse without going to court. If you didn’t hear the beginning of June’s story last week, listen to that first. It’s called He Blamed Me for the Emotional Abuse June story part one. Then come back and listen to this interview, which we did one year later. Welcome June. It’s been a year since we spoke. How are things going for you one year later? June: We left off last time going through the court process of the custody issues and the divorce proceedings. We have since concluded at least custody for now because my husband appealed the custody from the family court and he appealed it to the circuit court, which in my state is the next higher court. It took us six to nine months to get into the circuit court to have that case heard. That was an eye opening experience for me. I feel like we’ve had all of these issues, divorcing a narcissist is horrible. All of this bad behavior, all of this conflict between us and it really hasn’t been between us. It’s been him finding the gray areas in the order and exploiting those in ways that might be small and minor, but when you add them all up, it takes its toll. Experiences With Her Ex’s Divorce Demands There shouldn’t be any changes, or at least any big changes. Get this part over with and we can move on. In the circuit court, it was just a different experience. The judge had a lot less patience. The judge labeled the conflict as marital fighting and just conflict between my husband and I rather than abuse. That is very, very problematic. I brought two witnesses. The judge didn’t want to hear from them, so he didn’t hear from them at all, which was a problem. I can say I’m happy with the outcome. For the most part, the custody didn’t change too much. A lot more freedom, discretion and leeway are in the order. In The BTR Community, that translates to a lack of boundaries in our new order. I know that will be a problem. It already has been a problem. That’s what I’m dealing with right now. Currently it is just an order for custody. I’m still the primary parent. I have the kids 75% of the time, which is great. I feel that my influence on the kids and having a safe and stable home environment for them and a connected parenting relationship with them is super important. When they’re going through this, their dad does get a certain amount of days each month and it’s when he wants to see them. He can get a certain amount of days. That creates a bit of a problem. Husband’s Narcissistic Behavior Anne: We’re personal friends, so we talk a lot about this. One of the things that surprises me, and I’d like to know how you feel about it, is that so many of the things that your soon to be ex does are just not smart. He doesn’t seem smart at all. He seems narcissistic, clueless, and way more confident in his own abilities than he actually is. At the same time, he can exploit all these little areas of the law and he actually is really smart at the same time. He is a doctor, he’s not a dummy. How do you reconcile this crazy, nonsensical, irrational behavior and all of the bad choices that he makes with this ability to exploit the law in a way that works for him? This is a huge part of divorcing a narcissist. He’s sort of like this evil genius kind of thing. How do you feel about that? June: I definitely feel that is such an accurate representation of reality of what is going on. There are times that I feel his chaos and disorganization is really, really to his detriment. Obviously it is to the detriment of the kids. It affects them. It’s chaotic. He can’t show up for appointments on time, he can’t get the kids to where they need to be on time. He won’t return things that they need, important things. For instance, when has the kids on vacation, the court order says that the kids call me on the middle day at a certain time. Up to this

It’s common for victims of emotional abuse to say, “He blamed me for the emotional abuse.” If this has happened to you, here’s what you need to know. To see if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take our free emotional abuse quiz. If you need help, the safety strategies in The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop can help you protect yourself from emotional abuse. This episode follows Junes’s Story:Part 1: He Blamed Me for the Emotional Abuse – June’s Story (THIS EPISODE)Part 2: Divorcing A Narcissist – June Checks In One Year Later Transcript:He Blamed ME For The Emotional Abuse Anne: June and I did this interview years ago. At this time, my ex was abusing me and my kids on almost a daily basis under the guise of co-parenting messages that were emotionally and psychologically abusive. He was undermining my children’s medical care, their extracurricular activities, and their school work. I constantly had a pit in my stomach. Although I was actively trying to figure out how to deliver myself and my children from the abuse, the answers hadn’t come yet. When I listened to this episode again, I could hear the anger and frustration in my voice. I was doing everything right, at least everything I’d learned up until that point. I did everything the typical therapist and clergy told me to do. Everyone told me that I should get over it and move on. They couldn’t wrap their head around the fact that I was still being emotionally and psychologically abused and my children were being undermined. Yet I was being blamed by the court and guardian ad litem. Thankfully after years of study and prayer, I discovered emotional safety strategies that in stages delivered us from the abuse when I implemented them. I didn’t even have to go to court. My children and I no longer have to deal with my emotionally abusive ex, and I still use these strategies. I wanted to make sure that my experience wasn’t a fluke and that these strategies weren’t just specifically for me. I tested the strategies for years with other sheroes who confirmed that they worked for them too. Being Blamed For The Emotional Abuse Once we knew they would work for any woman in any situation, I created the Living Free Workshop. In our BTR Group Sessions, women ask questions about how to implement these strategies and find support there. Make sure you check out the Group Session schedule. I’m still angry that women trying to get to emotional and psychological safety are thwarted and blamed at every turn. I think we should all be angry about that. In this interview, a member of the BTR Community, June shared her story. June found out that her husband used pornography and had affairs with multiple partners. He continued to do it after they were separated and going through the divorce process. At the time, June’s four children were very young and all of them have special needs to varying degrees. https://youtube.com/shorts/ehlocZ9sLag We’re going to start by talking about the challenge of having special needs children when your husband is emotionally and psychologically abusive. Then she shared her story of how she met her husband and how she discovered the truth. You guys are going to be really curious about June’s story. June, let’s start with you talking about your children. The Challenges Of Parenting Special Needs Children When You’re Being Blamed For His Emotional Abuse June: I have four children. They range from age nine to three, two boys and two girls, and they each have some level of special needs. My 9-year-old has autism spectrum disorder, sensory processing disorder, auditory processing disorder and also ADHD. He’s probably been most impacted as far as special needs go and on the disability range. My other children have speech and language issues, and all of my children have been affected by trauma. Which is really important to note because the treatment for trauma impacted children as well as special needs children can overlap sometimes. In my own home and in my own parenting, I do a lot of things to address that; things to help them feel safe, things to help them process that trauma and process those emotions. It really is no different, many times the work I do with my profoundly impacted child as opposed to the rest of my children that have suffered the trauma is the same. Anne: Let’s talk about your nine-year-old son who is on the spectrum for a moment. Would you say that some of his behaviors have escalated due to the trauma in the home? Do you see that? They’re a little bit correlated. Impact Of Emotional Abuse On Children”s Behavior June: I see that my son who has autism can have a very hard time processing those things. He can have a more difficult time than the other kids processing the actual separation and divorce. He can tend to perseverate on that and ask w

Women often ask, “how do you live with a husband you don’t trust?” If you’ve discovered something about your husband that made you question if you could live with him, he’s likely using at least one of the 19 different types of emotional abuse. To find out, take our free emotional abuse quiz. Did His Manipulation and Lies Break Your Trust? Most women who can’t trust their husband discover he’s been manipulating, gaslighting, and lying. It’s important for emotionally abusive men to protect their secret behaviors and maintain the privileges they receive from being “good guys”. Manipulation, gaslighting, and lying may follow, it can look like: Flat-out denial of the pornography use, whether there is evidence or not (in cases where there is evidence, he might say, “I have no idea how that got on my phone, it must have been the kids/my brother/a co-worker) Blaming the victim (if you would ____, I wouldn’t have to use it) Minimization (I downloaded it but I didn’t look at it; I texted her but never had met with her) Blame-shifting: “Why are you checking my phone in the first place?” Partial truths: “I was just studying for a test and it popped up – I did look at it, but I wasn’t searching for it” Gaslighting with questions like, “Do you really think so low of me?” “How could you accuse me of something like that?” When You Find Out You Can’t Trust Him, It’s Usually The Tip of The Iceberg Women who can’t trust their husband almost always discover he’s participating in some type of destructive behavior, like… Coercion Emotional affairs Solicitation of prostitutes Consensual affairs Marital Non-Consentual Touch Marital Assault Voyeurism Eploitation of a spouse If you relate and need support, check out our Online Daily Group Session Schedule. Transcript: How to Live with a Husband You Don’t Trust Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. Her name is Cristy. She’s going to talk about when she discovered something that made her wonder if she could ever trust her husband again. Cristy: Thank you. Anne: Just like so many members of our community, you went through. Years and years of pain, but you didn’t understand what was happening. Cristy: No, I did not. We both went to a Christian college that’s where we met and we talked through our values. after we graduated, we got married. Our first year of marriage, I knew something was wrong and couldn’t pinpoint it. I asked him and he lied he yelled a lot I even at one point had found myself in the car for hours, not knowing where else to go. I knew something was wrong. Discovering I Couldn’t Trust My Husband Cristy: Then I found it on my husbands phone. He said he had looked at it and I firmly said well, I’d like to go to counseling together about this. It’s very hurtful towards me I don’t think this is something good. You know, I want to be there for you and be enough for you like, this isn’t good for either one of us. Cristy: So we went to counseling together, he treated it as an isolated incident. He didn’t yell at me anymore, he was very regretful, remorseful, could see how it hurt me, never wanted to do that again. Now I know he lied, but I didn’t know at the time. Anne: It’s really interesting that you say that, because what I see there is that he became better at manipulating you. Cristy: Yes, I know that now. Yeah. Anne: It was less obvious because he wasn’t yelling at you anymore, but he was still lying to you, manipulating you, and hiding the truth from you. So really, he just got better at psychological abuse as a result of couple therapy. Even your husband’s therapist won’t know this. It’s so hard for us to understand. It was hard for me to understand. The things that I viewed as good, like once he started going to therapy, he didn’t yell as much. Sometimes he acted nicer. But I didn’t get that it was coming from a place of manipulation, so it wasn’t like he was good and then he was bad. He was always bad. But then the bad felt good sometimes because of the grooming. So he’s grooming you. Secret Alcohol Use Anne: But things still don’t feel right. What do you do at that point? Cristy: I’m like, Oh, are you still looking at it? He said he had people he felt comfortable talking to about that and I said, okay, are you talking to them? You know, I just try trusting him and then life got busy. I pushed it to the back of my brain like, this isn’t going on. I think he got a smartphone. It was happening. but I couldn’t see it and didn’t know it was going on. Anne: In the meantime, I’m guessing your husband’s gaslighting and manipulation and the lying was still occurring. Cristy: It was. We fast forward a couple of years

A narcissistic husband can make marriage a nightmare. Below you’ll find expert advice for women married to a narcissistic man. If you need support dealing with your narcissistic husband, check out our daily online Group Session Schedule. 5 Tips For Surviving A Narcissist When You Choose To Stay Knowing what to do when your husband is a narcissist is difficult. At Betrayal Trauma Recovery (BTR.ORG), we offer compassion and empowerment – not judgement. Women sometimes stay with their narcissistic husband for a variety of (often) complex reasons. It’s important to have specific tools in your emotional arsenal so that you’re equipped so that you can thrive no matter what. Dr. Ramani’s 5 Tips: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Spouse Recognize They Won’t Change Avoid Arguments Have Realistic Expectations Have Compassion For Yourself Invest In Healthy Relationships “If you choose to stay in proximity to your narcissistic husband, the safest course of action is to keep things very surface level. Talk about the weather, talk about your new lawn mower. You’ll never be emotionally safe with a narcissist.” Anne Blythe, M.Ed. – Host of The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast is my husband a narcissist Transcript: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Husband Anne: I’m so honored to have Dr. Ramani with me on today’s episode, she’s a licensed clinical psychologist. You’ve most likely seen her on YouTube. She’s a professor of psychology at California state university, Los Angeles, and the author of lots of books. One of them, should I stay or should I go is amazing. The link is available on our books page. Later in the episode, I’ll be calling out Dr. Ramani’s five tips for dealing with a narcissistic husband. So stay tuned for when I start calling those out for you. Anne: Dr. Ramani received her ma and PhD degrees in clinical psychology from UCLA, and her research on personality disorders has been funded by the national institutes of health. At BTR, we’re talking a lot about how addiction is abusive to a spouse. What Tools Can A Woman Use To Survive A Narcissistic Husband? Anne: So my first question for you is, while narcissistic behavior patterns seem to be a hallmark of addiction, those who get into and maintain recovery tend to cease those behavior patterns, indicating lasting change is possible, at least for those who choose to do the hard work required to get into and maintain recovery from their addiction. Yet for some, no amount of recovery work seems to bring change on. Maybe they’re not doing it right. Anne: I don’t know, but short of investing years to wait and see, are there indicators that wives can look for to determine if their loved one with narcissistic abuse patterns is capable of change? Dr. Ramani: It’s a great question because when you have something like addiction, tangled up with narcissism, just like if it’s addiction, substance addiction. Survive A Narcissistic Husband: Learn To Recognize Manipulation Dr. Ramani: That’s an entanglement of two patterns. Now, if you had someone, addict for example, but not narcissistic, then those are the clients where, whether it’s 12 step, trauma wor. Ongoing therapy, that’s going to work well. They’re going to commit to whatever they’ve promised to or promised to themselves in terms of their growth, in terms of distancing themselves from these patterns. Dr. Ramani: When you have both patterns present, The addiction and the narcissism, you’re not going to see as much change. You got to remember that the addiction pattern is very much focused on the other patterns. The, the lack of empathy, the entitlement. I have a right to do this, I have a right to five orgasms a day. I need lots of people who tell me I’m attractive like a spoiled child. So, I would then argue that the addict, who also has significant co-morbid symptoms of narcissistic personality, is not going to get much better. What you might be able to do is less time spent on exploitative content. They may be less likely to engage in another infidelity, especially if the stakes are high. For example, an expensive divorce, potential loss of custody of a child, a financial hit, shame in the eyes of their community. So dealing with both a addict and a narcissistic husband is a real double whammy. A Narcissistic Husband Has A Barrier To Treatment Dr. Ramani: But when you have that narcissism, because that tends to be what’s driving the compulsive behavior and the compulsive need for validation, that’s often going to be the reason treatment doesn’t work. So I would view narcissism as the barrier to it working, because there’s very little evidence, other than in the most rare of cases, that narcissistic patterns are amenable to significant change in treatment. And please note the use of my word significant. So a narcissistic hus

“My husband says I’m the problem, so I went to therapy for years. But things are still bad.” J.R. spent nearly a decade trying to improve herself so her marriage would improve. She didn’t realize she was never the problem in her marriage. To know if you’re the problem, take our free emotional abuse quiz to see if you’re experiencing any of the 19 types of emotional abuse. If you are, it’s unlikely you have anything to do with the problems in your marriage. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CKes84VS8GE Many victims may blame themselves because that’s how a master manipulator will continue to exploit. Convincing her that she’s the problem is part of psychological abuse. Signs You’re Not the Problem You’re not the problem if your husband does any of the following: Uses gaslighting to contort your perception of reality Betrays you, including secret exploitative content use Blames you for his choices Transcript: My Husband Says I Am The Problem, Is He Right? Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’ll call her J.R. She’s a mother of four. She spent almost a decade of her life, married to a psychologically abusive man. Welcome J.R. J.R.: Thank you, Anne. I’m so happy to have this opportunity. Anne: You said you attribute your healing to Betrayal Trauma Recovery. Do you want to start there, and then we’ll circle back to the beginning? J.R.: In 2020, I discovered the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast. To be honest, I was trying to rack my brain to figure out how I found the podcast. I can’t remember, I feel like it’s a God thing for me anyway. I had known about his use throughout our relationship. We had been through a lot regarding his addiction at that point. But I never would have been able to classify it as emotional abuse. I didn’t have the terminology. At that time, we lived in Washington state, and I was driving through gorgeous Oregon countryside, like mountains, just a really beautiful landscape. Listening to episode after episode of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery podcast, and I remember this feeling, like, this is me. I heard a description of what I was going through for the first time. I think in the past I had seen myself as the villain, because hearing some women talk on the BTR podcast. And hearing you Anne talk about safety, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. It became clearer to me that was my situation. Because my husband says I’m the problem. So yes, there was the relief in like, my husband says I’m the problem. But I’m not alone. I finally feel understood. I finally feel seen. When J.R. Discovered The BTR.ORG Podcast, She Still Thought She Was The Problem J.R.: I had no idea what I was going to do, and dreaded that. I wasn’t that far yet. There was a sense of dread. And like, I’m driving right back into this situation. I hear a lot of the women on the podcast talk about their husband’s anger, whether it’s verbal assault or even physical, but with my ex, I didn’t see a lot of those signs, I didn’t see anger. I didn’t see any sort of violence or undertones of agitation. It was so covert. From the beginning of a relationship, my husband gaslit me. And creating this alternate reality for me. My husband says I’m the problem. And I believed him right away. So I was immediately hooked. I feel like maybe he didn’t need to go to another tactic as far as being more aggressive, or maybe that’s just not his flavor of abuse. I’m not sure why. But I didn’t see him as an angry person. I just thought I was the problem. We would get into these fights, but he wasn’t actually fighting back. It was just me basically fighting with a wall, because I knew there was something going on. I knew he was lying to me, but I could never prove it. He just capitalized on that and made me believe I was crazy. So from the beginning, I started therapy and have gone to multiple therapists on and off over the past decade or so looking for what’s wrong with me. How do I change me to make this work? He Took My Honesty, And Used It To His Advantage Anne: Would you define his behavior as like problem solving? He seemed reasonable and that you just had some serious problems that you needed to work through. Had he manipulated you to that point? Is that kind of what I’m hearing? J.R.: Yes, that’s accurate. When you said manipulating, that stirred something in me to remember when we started dating. I have a keen self awareness, and I told him flat out. I’ve struggled with jealousy in the past. And it is something that I am trying to work on and move through, but I just want to be upfront that is a struggle of mine. So I think right there, he took my honesty and used that to his advantage. Anne: So in that way, he weaponized your vulnerability against you, but you were not aware of this at the tim

Are you wondering how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids…maybe even part of you is still hoping things will change…for the kids’ sake. That makes sense. In fact, here’s the five stages most women go through when thinking about leaving a toxic man. THE 5 STAGES OF How to Leave a Toxic Relationship 1. Things Get So Bad That You Wonder If There’s Something Better Sometimes, things have to get really bad before you even start thinking about how to leave a toxic relationship when have kids and you realize things need to change. Maybe something big happens or things just keep getting worse and worse until you can’t ignore it anymore. It’s like waking up one day and realizing, “I can’t do this anymore.” Maybe you even discover he’s emotionally abusive. To discover if you’re experiencing any one of the 19 types of emotional abuse, take my free emotional abuse test. 2. You Start to Do Something About It After you decide you can’t take it anymore, the next step in how to leave a toxic relationship is, to do something about it. This might not fix everything right away, and that’s okay. Trying to do something, even if it’s small, means you’re learning and getting stronger each time. It’s like practicing for a big play, trying different things to see what works best. 3. Commit To Protect Yourself (No Matter What) This step is when you decide to make a big change and stick with it. It could be deciding not to do something for the person hurting you anymore, or maybe even moving away from them. It’s like crossing a bridge and making sure you can’t go back to the way things were before. 4. DEVELOPING NEW Protective Strategies Even after you’ve made the change, it might feel strange for a bit. You’re getting used to a new way of living where you’re in charge. This time is for healing, finding out who you are, and starting to build a happy life. You might pick up new hobbies, make new friends, or work on your career. Little by little, things start to get better. 5. You Can See A Clear Path To The Peaceful Life You Want In the last step, you start to really believe you can have a happy life without being hurt. It feels like seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel. You think about having a safe home, doing things that make you happy, and being with people who treat you well. This step is all about going from just getting by to living a great life, finding out who you are, and doing things you love. Thinking about a happy life helps you make good choices for yourself as you move away from being hurt. It’s like a light guiding you to a future where you’re happy and safe. Transcript: How To LEAVE A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS Anne: We have a member of our community on today’s episode. We’re going to call her Janet. As we describe the processes we went through in determining how to leave a toxic relationship when you have kids, listen for how you can protect yourself from his emotional abuse. As you’re listening, if you can’t quite visualize this. There is a map embedded in this transcript below. And you can see that map. I’ll share part of the story of how I discovered The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop Strategies. The strategies work, whether you’re married or divorced. Before I discovered these strategies. I was trying to leave a toxic relationship with kids, becasue my ex-husband, even eight years after divorce, was being emotionally abusive almost daily. He was messaging me all the time. And was counter-parenting. He cancelled my kids’ medical appointments. He was trying to manipulate the situation so my kids wouldn’t take sports, so he didn’t have to pay for it. It was just constant stress and trauma. And I got really, really angry because I was like, I’m so good at boundaries. I was doing everything “right”. And the court wouldn’t help me, and clergy wouldn’t help me. I thought like, is there no way to actually live free from abuse? And people often said things like, well, you got to move on with your life. Why don’t you just get over it? You got divorced eight years ago, they’re thinking the abuse happened eight years ago, and I’m like, it happened today. When he messaged me today, he lied to me, and he tried to undermine my children. So I wondered how to stop emotional abuse from husband? The Communication Trap With Abusive Ex-Partners Anne: Janet before you enrolled in The Living Free Workshop. Can you talk about all the things you tried, in knowing how to leave a toxic relationship with kids? Janet: A lot of us have gone through counseling, marriage therapy, or 12 step for wives of pornography addicts, and most of the time they focus on our communication skills with our husbands or our exes. I felt that I could change the outcome if I could just c

As Diane shares her devastating story of surviving narcissistic abuse. She empowers women to become educated about abuse and trauma and start seeking safety. If you need support check out our Group Support Schedule. He just became increasingly mean to me, to the point where I thought something was seriously wrong with me. I started going to a therapist because I thought, ‘What is wrong with me? I am nothing.’ Every day, he found something wrong with me. He would tell me how horrible I was, just horrible things. Diane, victim of narcissistic abuse Transcript: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Anne: I randomly met an old friend from college. I was so excited to see her. And I learned that she had been surviving narcissistic abuse, the same thing that all of us who listen to this podcast have been through. I’m going to call her Diane. I said, don’t tell me anything, come on the podcast. So I have not heard the whole story yet. Welcome Diane. Diane: Thank you. I’m so happy to be here with you. Diane’s College Years & First Marriage Anne: So in college, you had a one-year-old daughter. And you married, and then you divorced. Diane: Yes, well, she’s 23 now. Yeah, right after I graduated from college, I had another child, and then we divorced. Anne: And when you divorced, you didn’t know why the divorce was happening. And then, because you didn’t understand who he really was. You ended up remarrying him. Diane: I remarried him because he returned to me, and then we were together for another 17 years. And in the last two years, I found everything. So for that entire 17 year period, he was a sex addict, and he had multiple things going on. Surviving Narcissistic Abuse With First Divorce Anne: Let’s talk about the first divorce. What did you think was the cause? Diane: What’s so hard about all this is, I thought it was me. And for so many years, I thought it was me and needed to be better, and I wasn’t enough and was always trying. And now going through all the things, that’s why I saw you and I was like, I’m so happy. I wish I had found your podcasts and your website a year ago, because it’s been this journey of hardship for a long time just surviving narcissistic husband. But that first time he actually had an affair, but I didn’t know that, so I just thought it was me. And so then when he came back to me, I was like, “Oh I’m changed, I’m better”. I’m good. https://youtu.be/gvxpK9yloco Anne: So he says I’m leaving you. I’m just not happy in this marriage. You’re not good enough, and he takes off. Meanwhile, he lies to you, manipulates you and abuses you. Because the things he’s telling you aren’t true. And he’s putting you down on purpose to hide his own stuff. You don’t know any of this. Two years after the divorce, he returns and says I messed up. You are amazing. Remarriage & Continued Struggles Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Diane: And honestly, now I look at it and it was like love bombing. Totally like I love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to be a good dad to our kids. And so of course I was like, yes, I want to save my family. I want him to be the dad, he can be in my kids lives. So I thought, Oh yes, he’s changed. I’ve changed. We’ve grown up a little bit. So then we got back together, and we had two more kids. Throughout this time, it was always that word line of, I need to be better. If I was thinner, if I’m cleaner, then he’ll be happy. And so I look at it now, and I’m like, what was wrong with me? But I was in this cycle of trying to make him happy, while giving more and more. And taking less and less from him. Anne: So not knowing the details of your story. There’s the abuse that everybody recognizes as abuse, physical violence. And then there’s the abuse hidden: the narcissistic abuse, lying. Was it narcissistic abuse, physical violence? What types of abuse were showing up? Surviving Narcissistic Abuse & Realizing The Truth Diane: He was never physically abusive to me. But he would get in my face and make me feel like, why is the house so messy? Belittle me in front of our kids, and I look at it now, and I’m like, how did I not know? It’s crazy to me. Anne: Well, you didn’t know because he was lying to you and hiding everything. You were resisting abuse the entire time. Doing everything you could to try and resolve it. Surviving narcissistic abuse is no small feat. You’re crazy smart. Diane: Well, I would think so, right? I have two master’s degrees. I should be smart enough to see this, but you don’t. And that’s one thing I really, whenever I talk to people, I’m like, you don’t realize because they’re master manipulators. He makes the world fit his needs. And I was totally okay with that. I just went a

Three factors determine how long does it take to heal from emotional abuse. If your husband betrayed you, here are the strategies to speed up the healing process so you can feel peace again. 1. Has His Emotional Abuse Stopped? The first factor that affects how long it will take to heal from emotional abuse is to ensure that the emotional abuse has stopped. Emotional abuse includes various behaviors that come out of his exploitative privilege. If he thinks his “needs” and “rights” are more important than yours, chances are he’s emotionally abusive. Is he currently doing any of the following? Lying Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault Stonewalling Criticizing Gaslighting Using pornography / infidelity If the emotional abuse is currently happening, whether you’re still married, separated, or divorced, if his emotional abuse hasn’t stopped or you haven’t put enough distance between you and his abuse, your healing from it can’t begin. To determine if the emotional abuse has stopped, take our free emotional abuse quiz. 2. Have You Learned How to Separate Yourself From His Emotional Abuse? Healing from emotional abuse takes as long as you learn how to separate yourself from the abuse. If you have the right information, healing time can be significantly reduced. The good news is, you’re strong and capable. The only thing holding you back has been having the correct framework for what’s been happening to you. It’s not your fault. No one teaches the public how to separate from emotional abuse. The other good news is, you’ve come to the right place. Betrayal Trauma Recovery specializes in teaching women how to recognize emotional abuse and exactly what to do if you’re experiencing it. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop teaches victims of abuse exactly what’s going on and exactly what to do to make her way to emotional safety. It also includes 13 incredibly healing meditations. 3. Do You Have the Appropriate Support to Heal from His Emotional Abuse? Healing from his emotional abuse takes time, but the duration of the healing process can be significantly reduced when you have appropriate support. Appropriate support comes from women who have experienced their husband’s emotional abuse and developed emotional safety. It’s validating and empowering. You’ll heal faster if the support doesn’t blame you for any abuse or suggests you somehow caused it or enabled it. Betrayal Trauma Support Group, a daily support for women who want to heal from emotional abuse, is the safest place to both learn about and heal from emotional abuse. On the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Podcast, emotional abuse expert Anne Blythe shared her insights on how she developed specific strategies to heal from emotional abuse as quickly as possible. How to Recover from Emotional Abuse: The Evolution of My Workshop Let me give you some background about the origins of my workshop. I had been divorced, and he was still emotionally and psychologically abusive, like post-divorce for eight years. My life was very difficult. Every day. I lost a big court case to him. He got more custody. I mean, things were just hard. He was counter parenting. He was cancelling my kids’ medical appointments. Anne: Many of you have listened to the podcast for a long time, you’ll know my ex wasn’t paying half of what he was supposed to pay from the divorce decree. He justified it through constantly undermining me and our children. Emotional Abuse Post-Divorce So those of you who are married, when we were married, he was difficult the whole time, but I didn’t realize it. I thought back then that boundaries meant telling him clearly how upset I was with his behavior. Also, maybe giving him an hour long lecture, which didn’t help me be safer. He never changed his behavior. We’d go to a lot of therapy. We’d do a lot of addiction recovery stuff, so that didn’t help. As I started BTR, I started thinking, how do we really get to safety? What is the path? Anytime any woman experiencing emotional and psychological abuse and coercion, if her husband uses exploitative material or if he’s having affairs. If you try to go the therapy route or the addiction recovery route. Why This Workshop Helps Heal Emotional Abuse Over the years, dealing with thousands of women who come to BTR, and just my experience helping people, that doesn’t tend to get us to safety. In fact, we end up being more and more unsafe. Especially because we’ve been vulnerable with someone who’s just weaponizing our emotions against us. As I’ve been the executive director at BTR for eight years, I’ve been podcasting forever. I thought, we need clear action steps. The Betrayal Trauma Recovery Workshop has examples of men who will have the same facial expressions that your husband is giving you. So you can actually see the concepts and process them a little better. I worked with women over two years personally writing their messages,