Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? What You Need To Know

When a woman searches, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me,” she is rarely asking out of curiosity. She’s asking because she feels rejected and confused. She wonders if something is wrong with her body, her weight, her desirability.

But after interviewing hundreds of betrayed women and speaking with a certified sex therapist, one pattern becomes clear:

A husband’s lack of sexual interest usually says far more about him than it does about her.

If your husband isn’t interested in intimacy with you, rather than listening to his gaslighting, see if he’s using any one of these 19 different types of emotional abuse. Take our free emotional abuse test.

Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me? maybe it’s HIS problem

9 Reasons His Lack of Desire Says More About Him Than Her

1. He may be using inappropriate media

Many husbands who lose interest in their wives are not uninterested in sex. They’re uninterested in relational intimacy.

If he is using inappropriate media for stimulation, he is training his brain toward:

• Novelty
• Fantasy
• Escalation
• Secrecy

That rewires desire away from real connection. So his lack of desire for his wife isn’t about her attractiveness.

2. He may be having an affair

When a husband directs sexual energy elsewhere, whether toward another woman or toward online fantasy, he’s bonding outside the marriage.

Women often blame themselves first.

But if he has:

• Hidden time gaps
• Increased secrecy
• Emotional withdrawal
• Defensive reactions

The question is not “What’s wrong with me?” The question is, “What is he hiding?”

3. He may be emotionally abusive

Many husbands who withhold sex simultaneously:

• Blame her for not giving enough
• Criticize her body
• Accuse her of being cold
• Rewrite history

That is gaslighting, which is one of 19 different emotional abuse tactics. To see if you’re experiencing any of them, take my free emotional abuse test.

4. He may perceive himself as the victim

Emotionally abusive men often see themselves as deprived.

• “If she would just…”
• “Maybe If she were different…”
• “If she were more available…”

That entitlement mindset turns sex into something he is owed, not something that you create through partnership. So he seeks out sex online or with people who he doesn’t have a relationship, so he’s not bothered with the honesty and connection required in a real relationship.

5. He may be avoiding emotional intimacy

Some men avoid sex with their wives not because they don’t want sex, but because real sex requires:

• Eye contact
• Vulnerability
• Emotional presence
• Mutual care

If he is hiding things, he cannot show up vulnerably. So he withdraws.

6. He may be using sex as control

Withholding sex can also be manipulation. That’s NOT the same thing as saying no to unsafe sex.

If he:

• Withholds affection
• Initiates only when he wants
• Rejects her repeatedly
• Then accuses her of being distant

He’s likely using sex to maintain power and control over her.

7. Trauma affects her body — not her worth

When a woman discovers betrayal, her body can react physically:

• Nausea
• Panic attacks
• Weight loss
• Insomnia
• Loss of appetite

It is the nervous system recognizing danger. So whether he’s disinterested in her in general, or whether she’s not interested due to his emotional abuse, either way, it’s his problem not hers.

8. Coerced sex is not healthy sex

If a woman feels she “has to” have sex to:

• Keep him from cheating
• Keep the family intact
• Be a “good wife”
• Prevent criticism

It can feel especially hurtful if he’s not initiating it.

9. Healthy sex has five components

Healthy intimacy includes:

1. Safety
2. Honesty & Transparency
3. Respect
4. Playfulness
5. Joy

You cannot build joy on deception or manipulation.

When a husband withholds intimacy while hiding betrayal, women often:

• Compare themselves to other women
• Question their bodies
• Overextend sexually to “measure up”
• Feel ashamed
• Doubt their intuition
• Lose trust in themselves

Why This Is Not Her Fault

No matter what he says, there is nothing she could have been, done, or acted like to prevent betrayal. That was his choice.

Women in our group sessions for betrayal come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and backgrounds. Betrayal does not target a body type.

If You’re Asking, “Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me?”

Start with safety.

• Is he honest?
• Is he transparent?
• Does he respect you?
• Is he emotionally present?

If not, the problem is not your desirability. The problem is relational integrity

Transcript: Why Doesn’t My Husband Want to Have Sex with Me?

Anne: On today’s episode, a certified sex therapist will talk about what it means to have safe sex. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman. We’re going to call her Maria. All right, so thinking about this topic of safety. Especially the question, is healthy sex possible after intimate betrayal? I mean, where do we even start?

Maria: You know, when we choose our spouse, it’s really a matter of, I’ll keep you safe and you keep me safe. And we’ll look out for each other. So when our person has secretive behaviors. Whether with another person or with pornography, this is a safety risk.

Anne: Yeah, because the lying and the gaslighting is all emotional and psychological abuse.

Maria: Yes, in the support group, I often hear stories of how women feel. Some throw up, some can’t breathe. Some can’t get off the floor, because their person is their person for safety. And when they are betrayed, they are not safe.

Anne: I felt that right after my husband’s arrest, when I realized that things were bad. Because before, I didn’t understand my true situation. I didn’t understand what was going on. And after his arrest, I lost like 15 pounds in three weeks. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. Realizing that the person I’d been relying on was never safe. But I didn’t know that.

Maria: Yes.

Navigating Safety After Betrayal

Maria: So many times in the aftermath of betrayal, We experience come here, go away, come here, my husband, come here for safety. Oh, wait, you just betrayed me. You’ve lied. You’ve cheated. Go away for safety. Wait, wait, wait, where are you going? Come back for safety. No, no, go away for safety. This can happen emotionally. We can want to go to our husband emotionally for safety. And we can go toward our husband for sexual safety, for physical safety. We are so vulnerable when we are going to be sexual with someone.

When we take off our clothes, when we are naked with someone, that leaves us tremendously vulnerable. And for women especially, the sexual act is one of our most vulnerable times ever. Doesn’t get more vulnerable than that. For those who choose to stay with their abusive spouse. This means they’re choosing to stay with the source of pain.

And the source of their safety risk and to navigate not only how to function daily with someone they don’t trust, but they also do this tough job of trying to figure out how to maneuver physical and sexual intimacy. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Anne: In my case, once I realized my husband wasn’t safe, I observed from a safe distance. To watch what he would do. And he shut down my bank account, and he didn’t make any effort to see the kids. And he was lying about what had happened. He actually said to people she wouldn’t have sex with me. How am I supposed to be in a loveless marriage?

Determining Your Level of Safety

Anne: She also won’t talk to me. How are we supposed to work out our marriage issues? If she won’t talk to me? And so it’s traumatic either way, whether you stay or are separated. In both cases, the first step is to determine your level of safety. Which is what the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Living Free Workshop is for. Because you might determine that he’s not even safe enough to talk to, let alone have sex with.

Maria: Yes. I agree with you. Safety must be the first step. We cannot be that vulnerable with somebody unless we know we are safe with them. Sometimes women will choose to be sexual to try to keep him from cheating on her again. And women often compare themselves to their husband’s affair partner, whether it’s a pornographic image or a prostitute.

Women will compare themselves to that affair partner and wonder what’s wrong with them and why they don’t measure up . And sometimes partners will choose to be sexual in ways they wouldn’t otherwise, to try to measure up to what they imagine that affair partner was like or to measure up to the person in the pornography. That’s what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Anne: Which is sexual coercion. I mean, that’s a form of sexual abuse.

Maria: Always, because we’re at risk. Women who decide to be sexual with their spouse who has betrayed them are at risk. When we get scared, we might feel like I need to do this so that he won’t cheat on me again, or he won’t leave me. They do something they don’t want to do, that they might never have done, out of fear and desperation. We really experience distress from having that experience.

What lack of intimacy does to a woman: The Impact of Sexual Coercion

Anne: Yeah, of course, we’re going to be distressed when we’re a victim of sexual coercion.

Maria: Yes, why do I still want to be with him? Why, after he’s hurt me so much, do I want to stay? In that place, it’s important that I realize I’m not staying because there’s something wrong with me.

Anne: Yeah, part of the sexual coercion is his manipulation. Manipulating us to think that if we’d been somehow different, he wouldn’t have cheated. And that’s also a threat. That’s the definition of sexual coercion. You feel like you have to have sex. Because you’re threatened and manipulated. That’s when we realized that we’re a victim of a type of sexual abuse. And what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Maria: Really, there’s nothing you could have been, done, or acted like to keep the betrayal from happening. That is their choice. It’s not because you did or said something wrong, or weren’t enough or too much. It’s because that person chose, that’s on him. I joined the support group, and there were women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, ages, educational backgrounds, and socioeconomic backgrounds. And it proved it didn’t matter how I showed up in the world. It’s not my fault he betrayed me.

Anne: One of the fears I felt was that my husband would say to his family or other people she’s not giving me sex, because in society, that’s like terrible. If a husband says she refuses to have that, then all the problems are my fault because I’m saying no. They don’t know, that’s sexual coercion. If she can’t say no, then she can’t say yes. So that’s a really serious form of sexual abuse that people aren’t recognizing.

The Fear of Saying no

Maria: Yes. And addicts tend to use that as justification, which is not fair or accurate. I get really scared here and often wonder, is it okay to say no? I fear being criticized for saying no or being condemned. And I feel a fear of being a bad wife or a fear of being alone. On the one hand, I value being a good and loving wife, and I might tell myself that being that kind of wife means. I show up sexually, at the very same time wanting to pull away from him to be safe.

So on one hand, I think I should show up at the same moment. Oh, I think I shouldn’t show up. Again, do I go toward him? Or do I pull away from him? That’s what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Another example, I value keeping an intact family unit. So the kids have limited exposure to emotional abuse, gaslighting, or other safety issues. And I feel like I have to have sex to maintain an intact family. Some think honoring God means honoring or submitting sexually to their husband. I honor God by being authentic, by protecting this body that God gave me, by protecting my heart that God gave me.

Am I honoring God by being sexual when I don’t want to? Or am I honoring God by not and protecting myself?

Anne: Yeah, with sexual coercion, it’s so difficult to sort through the manipulation and gaslighting. To figure out how you actually feel.

Maria: Yes, it gets really confusing.

Taking physical intimacy off the table

Anne: Yeah, so many of us have been manipulated so much, and our emotions have been hijacked by the emotional abuse. Because he wants us to focus all our energy on him. We’re thinking, how does he feel? How is he doing? What can I do to help him? What can I do to ensure our families are intact? So many women have said that to me. I didn’t even recognize that I felt emotionally unsafe, and I didn’t even know what emotional safety meant. Before they recognize the emotional abuse, they don’t even know they can say no.

About six months before my husband was arrested. I decided that I did not feel emotionally safe during sex. And so I stopped initiating. Historically, I had initiated sex, and I told him, you’re welcome to initiate if you want, but I’m not going to initiate it anymore. I’m not going to say yes if I don’t feel emotionally connected. He didn’t attempt in any way, shape or form to connect emotionally with me.

I really remember this, I had purchased a workbook for the two of us to go through, to improve our marriage. And one night, I pulled it out and he was so excited about it. He was like, this is going to be amazing. And I said, if you want to do it again, you’re going to need to be the one that initiates it.

And he was like, I’m going to do that. That’s going to be great. And he never did, not once. Like he never initiated that workbook. He never initiated sex. So I learned what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

What lack of intimacy does to a woman: The abuser perceives himself as a victim

Anne: So for me, it was helpful to see that he was exploiting me to do all the work in the relationship. And he used emotional and psychological abuse to do that.

Maria: There’s real value in taking sex off the table. Let’s imagine, the husband is not reaching for his wife. She is not having emotional intimacy or physical intimacy. Instead, he has sexual experiences outside the relationship. The hope for the couple is that if we shut down the sexual experiences outside the marriage, we will now have intimacy inside the marriage. Except that’s not what happens.

One of the common beliefs of someone with a sex addiction is that sex is my most important need. It’s not their most important need. We could live without it. If someone is not sexual, they’re not going to die or spontaneously combust. They’re emotionally abusive behaviors. We need to know what we’re dealing with, so we can make choices.

Anne: Yeah, one of the things I’ve learned is that abuse is a character issue, a way that they perceive the world. The abuser perceives himself as a victim. And that’s what causes him to be emotionally and psychologically abusive and use sexual coercion. Because he’s a victim, he’s entitled to these things, and he’s not getting them. When in reality that’s just not true.

Maria: Many addicts exhibit profound gaslighting behaviors because they’re trying not to get caught. They’re trying to get their spouse to back up, to not find out about their secret. They will be manipulative, bullying, mean, and say critical and contemptuous things to get the wife to back up. What lack of intimacy does to a woman.

The Role of Gaslighting

Anne: Yeah, I just wish I could have seen that for the emotional and psychological abuse it was. I mean, when I went through it, and I think most addicts think like this. My ex was like, Oh, yeah I’m a sex addict. So now I’m going to recover, and I’m going to be sober for six weeks, and then we can have sex again. And he was just checking boxes off the list, to groom me.

A lot of times we talk about healthy sexuality. I assume everyone else assumes we’re talking about actually engaging in sex. But I’d like to point out that healthy sexuality could mean abstinence. Healthy sexuality refrains from sex, with someone emotionally abusive. Who’s gaslighting you and lying to you. And who doesn’t respect you. I mean healthy sexuality in that scenario is abstinence.

Maria: We need to talk about gaslighting here and the consequences of gaslighting because he will do and say things that distort her reality. If he’s rewriting history, she’s going to wonder what’s true. The consequences of gaslighting are she will doubt herself, her intuition, what’s real. Over time, a decline in her ability to trust herself, to trust gut instincts. We often talk about how our intuition has been damaged. Our ability to trust our gut instinct has been damaged.

They doubt themselves, and if they doubt themselves, they doubt their ability to stay safe in the world. They doubt their ability to pick a safe partner. How will I not get back into the same kind of relationship with the next guy? What’s gonna keep me from picking another sex addict? The gaslighting erodes our intuition, and confuses what feels safe. That’s what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Healthy Sexuality & Abstinence

Anne: Yeah, I feel like being in touch with ourselves, and our intuition, is the first line of defense before even attempting to date again.

Maria: Absolutely, yes, I hope to take the time to heal before getting into another relationship.

Anne: And for single women, I think that’s what healthy sexuality looks like. I mean, for someone who has either never been married or divorced. Healthy sexuality looks like I have a voice, I can speak it, I have boundaries, I can say no.

Maria: As a sex therapist, a series of conversations I often have are, how did you learn how to be a sexual being? Where did you learn? What did you learn about your body parts, how to be in relationship? And what did you learn about sex or being sexual?

What did they believe about their body and challenge some beliefs they may have learned, because that’s what someone told them to believe. And really come to terms with what they authentically believe. To help them define their value system. So that when they approach a romantic relationship with another partner, they can have their behavior align with their values. That’s healthy sexuality.

Anne: Yeah, that’s been really important to me. Well, Maria, thank you so much for talking with us today about what lack of intimacy does to a woman.

Anne: A member of our community. Sandy is on today’s episode. Not her real name, she’s using an alias. Because she’s going to be talking about how she experienced abuse. The perpetrator was her husband. We won’t go into details. Welcome, Sandy. Why don’t you just go ahead and start where you want to start.

A Husband Can Abuse His Wife By Sharing Explicit Photos

Sandy: It’s hard to know where to start because I feel like the timeline is complicated. I was raped by my husband and then about a week after that happened. I found out that there were pictures of me on pornography sites. They were two completely separate incidences because the pictures happened about eight years before. I just didn’t know about them until a friend of mine told me. She said I don’t think you know this but he puts pictures of you on pornography sites.

Anne: Wow. So you’re raped by your husband and then a week later, a friend says, you might not be aware, but there are some pictures of you on a pornography site.

Sandy: When I heard that, I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like horror. The sentence can knock the wind out of you and just make your spirit, my soul, like just torn apart. That’s the only way I can describe it.

Abusive Men Dismiss Their Partner’s Feelings & Desires

Sandy: I went home and I asked my husband if it was true, are pictures of me on pornography sites? He said, yes. I look back now and I think about that as the end of everything. We were married for 13 years at that point, but we were together for 15. This person that I had loved for 15 years, it’s like he didn’t exist anymore. I didn’t know who this person was who would do this to me.

Sandy: At that point, I hadn’t identified what he had done to me as rape.

Anne: Can you describe what you thought at the time had happened?

Sandy: I knew it was not good. I knew it wasn’t loving. It was very confusing. Why it was happening, what was going on. We had just had this terrible fight. The next thing I knew, he followed me up to the bedroom and I had my bathing suit on. I was taking it off. And the next I know, we’re having it, and I didn’t know why. I thought if I would ask him to stop, then he would yell at me more.

Clergy, Faith-Communities, & Friends Can Help Victims Of Marital Abuse

Sandy: I talked about this with some with some friends, and they said, that’s rape. I said he didn’t pin me down, didn’t hurt me. They said, yeah, but he didn’t have your consent. I said, no, I didn’t realize that at that point, there are actually degrees of rape. The rape hotline online support has first, second, third and fourth different grades or degrees of rape.

It was actually third or fourth degree rape. Friends and leadership from my church at the time told me, this is rape, call this hotline. They’ll point you in the right direction. You need to get help. And they kept pushing me to get help because they were very much, you’ll heal faster if you process this right away. This is abuse.

Anne: That’s not very common that your church people were telling you what happened. I actually haven’t heard a story like this in a really long time. Instead I hear how they’re telling women they should stay married after infidelity.

Sandy: Yeah, I definitely feel the Holy Spirit watching out for me, putting people in my life to really push me in the right direction.

Anne: That’s not a very common thing for clergy to help a rape victim identify the rape, especially when it’s her own spouse.

Sandy: And he didn’t punch me. He didn’t push me down.

Seeking Therapy & Reflecting On The Relationship

Sandy: They were really the ones who urged me to go to therapy by myself for abuse and trauma. It wasn’t one of these, “Oh, you guys need to get into couples counseling.” The church, all the friends I had, they were like, you need to heal from this before you can ever work on a relationship again. The same thing for him, they were like, he obviously has major issues. He needs to figure out what those are and get help for them before he can be in a relationship with you.

I felt like that all started me out on the right track, even though it was the harder track in some ways because I was very much just wanting things to get back to normal. I wanted my life back. Not to say that I had this perfect relationship or something like that. We definitely had issues.

Anne: Are you saying that at the time you didn’t really understand the extent of the issues?

Sandy: Yes. That’s a better way

Anne: Okay. So at the time you’re thinking, I know we have issues, but really, do I have to go through all this stuff?

Sandy: Yeah, I knew that it was bigger.

Men Abuse Their Wives By Stalking & Recording Them Without Consent

Sandy: Once I found out about the pictures especially, yes, there is more going on here than I ever realized. I think I was in denial for many years because at one point I found a hidden camera in our bedroom. I asked, what is this about? He said, when I take the kids to school, you get undressed and I miss taking pictures of you. Because he was always essentially stalking me when I would take a shower or when I would get undressed.

He always had the camera and he was always wanting to take pictures. And I was always like, oh my gosh, this is so annoying just let me take a shower. But I thought he’s my husband, he likes to see me naked that’s good, right? It all was warning signs. So anyway, I found the hidden camera and I was to really angry about it. He was like, okay, I won’t do it again. That was years before I knew about the pictures online or anything like that.

https://youtu.be/1FKUE9ep8n8

Anne: When you find out about the pictures, what becomes clear to you at this point? I mean have you been going to therapy at all before the rape, before these things? Or, have you been thinking, there’s something not quite right with my relationship, something’s weird going on. Or were you thinking, oh I have a great relationship.

Men Abuse Their Wives By Ignoring Familial & Emotional Needs

Anne: Can you talk about your thoughts before the rape, and then also before you found out about him posting porn?

Sandy: It’s hard to explain because I wouldn’t say there was anything seeming super wrong. Our relationship beforehand seemed fairly normal to me. I wanted him to pay attention to me more. I felt like I’m the mother of three kids and I was a stay at home mom and I was always just wanting him to come home and spend some time with me.

He had an excuse to go do something else, and he had decided he wanted to start this new business. I was like, Why? Don’t! Don’t start this business, please. I never see you, I need you to be home. I need you to be a part of this family. He just was like if you don’t want to be a part of it, you don’t have to, but I’m gonna do it anyway.

I was, of course, upset about that, but to me, it’s It’s nothing to get divorced over, but I just thought he’s going do what he wants to do, and I’ll stay out of it if I don’t like it.

Anne: Well, ironically, going to therapy at that time, you not knowing about abuse, couple therapy wouldn’t help you a whole lot.

Men Abuse Their Wives By Overtly Or Covertly Threatening Infidelity

Sandy: Yeah, I had no idea and so it was just this sort of we both felt busy, had my own business, he was starting a business, I just remember thinking like, I can’t wait till we can spend more time together. Looking back at everything, it’s a weird combination of, I was begging for his attention and he was also obsessed with me. He was obsessed with me in a that way. It was almost like I couldn’t have his attention any other way.

Anne: Because he’s taking pictures of you all the time, and he’s doing these things that make you feel uncomfortable. At the same time, at least it’s something.

Sandy: Right, and there was one point where I even thought I wonder if he’s seeing somebody else because he never comes straight home after work. I would call his work and I would say, Hey, has he left yet? They would say, yeah, he left two hours ago. I didn’t know what that was about, so I thought I’ll just put out when he wants because then he won’t have a reason to sleep with anyone else. Looking back, that was so stupid.

Anne: We’ve all been there Sandy, no it was not stupid. It makes total sense.

Sandy: Yeah. You don’t know what else to do. Our kids were so young. Looking back, I can tell I was like in a complete state of denial, really, about everything that was going on.

In Denial & Discovery Of Betrayal

Anne: I wouldn’t call it denial , because denial puts the fault on you. I would say that you were seeking safety. At the time, the safest thing to you was to have a good attitude or give it more because the alternative seemed terrifying. I wouldn’t call it denial as just really seeking safety and the alternative was too scary. The reason why I don’t want to call it denial is because they purposefully confuse and manipulate and lie.

So it’s not like you’re in denial about something that you know. It only confirms that you were a victim of psychological and emotional abuse. It sounds like you tried the oh, I’ll have it with him whenever he wants. I’ll try to be a better mom. I’ll try to, be better. Those things didn’t work. Then you find out about the pictures. Where do you go after that? What happens after you find out, he produces porn, of me. And he’s posting this online without my consent.

Sandy: Obviously, as I said before, I just felt torn apart. I did not know which way was up or what to do. I started therapy and the therapist was like, have people around you that help you to feel safe. Have people that you can talk to at any point, friends, family, whoever that is. Maybe it’s just one or two people.

Do everything you can to get back into doing things that you enjoy, that you find interesting. In the meantime, I was trying to figure out, okay, but how do I live with this person? Because at the time, I didn’t know that I wanted to get divorced or anything. I was just trying to figure out which way was up.

Considering Pressing Charges For Abuse

Anne: Did anybody at the time, did anyone indicate to you that you could press charges?

Sandy: Yeah, because I was still speaking with a person on the rape hotline pretty regularly. So I mentioned to this person about the pictures. They said I would need to get the police involved to get the pictures down, but be aware that if you go to the police, they may, in fact, press charges even if you don’t want them to. If he gets put on the offender list, he would lose his job. I could not make a decision, in regard to that, in my state of shock and trauma.

Sandy: I told him we need to get these pictures taken down. He said, okay, I’ll hire a private company. He told me the pictures were taken down by this private company that he hired.

Anne: One of the questions I have is, looking back now, do you think it would have been better to press charges?

Sandy: I do now. Obviously I’m not completely healed from the trauma, but I’m in a place where I can talk about it a little easier.

Going To The Police

Sandy: I actually did go to the police because I had panic attacks that the pictures weren’t actually down and I thought, I don’t know. He just continues to do things that make me nervous even though we’re not married and we’re not living together or anything.

We share custody of the kids but trauma comes back and I just sometimes I freak out, right? I thought, Okay, I’m just gonna go to the police. I had the list from the company that he hired of all of the links, which was six pages worth of links to my images. This is obviously abuse. When I take this to the police and they say okay, we’ll look into it.

Two years has passed since the crime. I did find out that yes, they are officially down. The company took them down, but they didn’t seem to think I could press charges. They didn’t really seem to care that this had been done and anything was told well, there’s nothing we can do.

It was two years ago, how can something be such a crime? He could have gone to jail or put on the offender list. So many things could have happened two years ago if I would have reported it. But now that it’s been two years, they’re like I don’t really see anything happening if we report this.

Is It The Abuser’s Voice Telling You Not To Report The Abuse?

Anne: One of the things I’m trying to help women understand is that when you don’t report something immediately, there are good reasons to report and good reasons not to report. We’re never judgmental around here about women reporting or not reporting. I want women to know that sense of, I can’t report this or I shouldn’t report this for some reason is usually the abuse talking.

Generally speaking most women, once they get past the trauma and they’re feeling better, really regret not reporting. If any victim is listening right now and they’re thinking, yeah my husband did do a crime and I haven’t reported it and should I report it or not. I would submit that the most likely thing happening currently is that it’s the abuse telling you not to report.

You’re so used to this abuse voice in your head and also the societal scripting or perhaps religious scripting, like he will lose his job or what about him? I had a discussion with a friend the other day and she was like, we really need to do these things and hold them accountable out of compassion for them. So that they can change.

But I said, it’s interesting as a victim of abuse, you don’t really have to, justify your actions through it’s the most compassionate thing he can change. You could also do it just out of sheer anger. You don’t have to be like I need to do it from a place of love. No, you can actually call the police from a place of anger or from a place of trauma or from a place of anything that you want. It’s fine.

Victims Can Let The Justice System Decide The Legal Consequences For Abuse

Anne: I think society has said to victims you can’t be an angry, bitter woman. If you’re going to do it, you have to do it from some place of forgiveness or some place of compassion. It’s just something for people to think about that as a victim of abuse you don’t owe your perpetrator anything.

Sandy: I had to get to that place because I completely agree now. There’s no way it was my fault.

That’s how I look at it now. Whereas before it was like you said. You can’t do this to him. It would destroy him and be so bad. It would be bad for his job. As well as thinking about our kids too. Besides, I did not do these things. I should not have to make that choice of whether or not he goes to jail. I was the victim. And I felt like that weight was on me to decide what his fate was.

Anne: Right, and just leave that up to the justice system, really. If someone witnessed someone stealing a car, you might be shaken up, you might pick up the phone and you might be like shaking because you saw this car get hijacked, let’s just pretend. Someone would not say to you, Oh let’s stop shaking before you call the police. Let’s make sure that you’re doing it from a place of really loving and having compassion for the guy that stole the car. Nobody says that.

Abusive Men Usually Commit to Stop, But Keep Doing It More Covertly

Anne: Talk about when you decide that you need to end the relationship and get a divorce.

Sandy: I feel like I spent about a year convincing him. That what he did was, obviously not right. He knew what he did wasn’t right, but he didn’t understand why he needed to go to therapy. He basically was like, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.

I said, no, you need to get help. In fact he had one that he spoke to for a while, and I asked to sit in on conversation to talk about some of my concerns. I realized, with this therapist, he did not tell her half of what was going on. And I said what about this and this?

I said, don’t you see there’s a pattern, with the pictures, him following me around with the camera, the camera in the bedroom and pictures online, there’s a pattern here. There’s something wrong with him. At this point I was just starting to learn about addiction, pornography addiction, that kind of stuff. And the therapist says oh, you didn’t tell me about that. And I just thought, Oh my gosh. At that point he moved out.

Anne: Did any of the therapists that work with you or him say that he’s an abuser?

Sandy: No, they didn’t.

Non-Consensual touch Is Abuse

Sandy: At one point I was reading a book about abuse and I was like, I feel like he abused me. I’m pretty sure he has and it was my investigation, although when my mom asked about what’s going on with you guys. I said he’s been abusing me.

I used those words before, but it was almost like I had to convince myself that this was abuse. Because he wasn’t hitting me. It wasn’t all the things that you normally see or hear about. The moment I remember looking up: Is non consensual pornography abuse. Is rape abuse. It’s okay, yes, of course, these things are. I shouldn’t have to be Googling this.

Anne: Is that when you found Betrayal Trauma Recovery?

Sandy: I found Betrayal Trauma Recovery through a friend who is from a different support group.

Anne: When you got here to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, were you like oh, this makes sense. Because a lot of people will Google that stuff, and they won’t find anything. And then when they find us, they’re like, Oh, finally, somebody gets it. Or did you find some other places that you felt understood?

Sandy: I think when I was Googling things, I was really just strictly looking for definitions. Definition of rape, definition of nonconsensual pornography, voyeurism. These are crimes, these are things you go to jail for it seems pretty obvious that’s abuse. For whatever reason, it gave me sort of comfort to have the correct terms, to have the right labels.

Challenges With Therapy

Anne: Yeah, he’s going to a therapist, you go to the therapist, and you’re like Whoa. Therapy’s not gonna work. You’ve also got that going on, where you’re recognizing the abuse, but nobody’s saying, he’s an abuser

Sandy: Yeah. So he moves out, he continued to see his therapist, I continued to see mine. It was interesting because he admits to me at that point that his therapeutic goals were just to be a better husband. Whereas my therapeutic goal was to heal from trauma. We were not going down the same path.

Anne: His therapeutic goal was not to “not be a rapist.” His therapeutic goal was not, I want to stop raping my wife and I want to stop being abusive. That is not his therapeutic goal. His goal is just to be a better husband. So you’re recognizing, wait a minute, there’s some serious stuff wrong here.

Sandy: I feel like even after he moved out, I was always trying to relay the seriousness of the situation and he never quite got that. Even when I pointed out, this is abuse and addiction, you need to see somebody who maybe specializes in that. He just said there’s nobody in our area. I’ll just get some books and I’ll read up on it.

Anne: Did you ever confront him and say you’re abusive at that time?

Sandy: I didn’t. Essentially after a year of trying to convince him that he needs to work through these big Issues. That he needs to essentially be able to protect me from himself is what needs to happen, which he never understood.

When Men Abuse Their Wives: The Consequences Women Face

Sandy: That’s when I said, I can’t do this anymore. It felt like every time I turned around, he was doing the bare minimum. He’d be look, I’m in therapy. I’m doing good. How many other guys would go to therapy? I couldn’t do it anymore. It felt like playing this game, I was done. I can’t describe it any other way.

Anne: That makes sense. What happened at that point?

Sandy: It took me a while to file because I think I wanted to make sure for whatever reason. I could tell he was getting desperate and didn’t know what do. He found a therapist at that point who wanted to talk to me, they’re very much we usually work together and I said my therapist says no.

Anne: I’ll interject here that an addiction therapist. We absolutely do not recommend that women go to an addiction therapist. . We do not recommend the victims try to get the pornography addict to go to therapy with an addiction therapist because they don’t recognize the abuse.

They don’t view him as an abuser. Even if they did, because abusers lie. When abusers go to therapy, they end up weaponizing the therapy that they learn against their victims.

When Men Abuse Their Wives, They Are Also Psychologically & Emotionally Abusive

Sandy: One of the comments I should share. This an example of how serious, or not serious. I guess when they first enter in, they tell them, no stimulation for 90 days because you need to completely reset your system. And he comes to me saying, Can you believe I have to go three months without it and it’s swimsuit season? I was like, Oh my gosh.

Anne: But the other thing we need to talk about is that you went to a so called expert and they didn’t tell you this is an abuse situation.

Sandy: No, I never really saw her. I met with her once for 10 minutes.

Anne: They’re looking at him as a addict, not as an abuser.

Sandy: No, they don’t. They don’t look at it as abuse.

Anne: So that is super dangerous for victims as well because what this really is emotional and psychological abuse. So he’s going to the addiction recovery person.

Sandy: He seemed like he was committed to it, I guess is the best word. But I thought if he wants to get healthy on his own, that’s great, but I can’t stay in this relationship. I just knew it.

Mediation To Heal From Marital Abuse

Sandy: We decided to do mediation instead of hire lawyers for our divorce, which worked well. Thankfully, he was cooperative about it. At some point, I think I just realized that I could never trust him again. Whether he was doing the recovery or not, I just wasn’t going to be able to do that. Essentially I just had to let him go because, you can’t have an intimate partner relationship with somebody that you can’t trust.

Fast forward, and, I find out he has a girlfriend. I’m like, of course he does, because I don’t think he’s in recovery anymore. He must have given up on it a while back, Of course, we’re not married anymore. It’s none of my business at this point what he does, except that, we have three kids together and I want to make sure they’re safe. I don’t want to raise them thinking that the way he treats women is all right. That, that’s my main concern at this point.

Anne: I think it’s validating to see that their behaviors haven’t changed. The fake recovery, we’ll call it, was a grooming phase where they thought, oh, I can show that I’m a good person or I can “prove” I’m a good person. Current boundaries are awesome now that you’re divorced and you recognize that he’s still abusive and he still exhibits abusive behaviors. What have you found that is helpful for your ongoing healing?

Sandy: I’ve done a number of things.

Processing Trauma Through Art

Sandy: One of them is creating sculptures that depict women either struggling or holding some emotion. Basically what I did is because I’m a ceramic artist, sculptor, I just ended up pouring my