Being there for your kids

The thing about attention is that it has absolute qualities. That is, in terms of getting it, both negative attention and positive attention work. Sadly, negative attention is usually a lot easier to get, and so kids go there a lot, when they need attention. While you do need to confront your child's bad behavior and correct them to get them back in line, wherever possible, try catching them being good. The opportunities may be less than you would like, but the reward and benefit to your child will far outweigh the impact when you have to respond to their negative attention efforts.

To have healthy, emotionally intimate communication with your kids, actually with anybody, you need to attend to both your verbal and nonverbal communication. Verbals and nonverbals are two sides of the coin. When they don't match, the listener is left with, "Wait. What???" What you say and what you do need to convey the same message. If I'm having a conversation with one of my friends and they consistently look away, I will likely stop what I'm saying and ask, "Are you okay? You seem distracted." Their words and actions are not matching. In giving your child your attention, give her all of your attention. Otherwise, she might be left with the conclusion that you don't care about her, or that her words aren't really that important to you.

A timeout for our children is only meant to be an opportunity for her to cool her jets and think about alternative behavior. Where punishment is warranted, a timeout can morph into a restriction or a natural consequence to correct the bad behavior. If timeouts are given just to get some peace and quiet, the fix will only be temporary. As a rule of thumb, limit your child's timeout to no more than minutes that equal no more than twice her age. So a 10 year old would top out at a 20 minute timeout. Check frequently with your child during their timeout to assure the time is being used wisely and for reflection. Here's where active listening is your best friend. Before ending the timeout, ask her how she could have done things differently and avoided the timeout altogether.

Weight can be an issue for kids. Some parents just conclude that kids will grow into their adult bodies, or that he's just being "all boy." However, weight issues can affect both your child's physical involvement in his life, but also his emotional well-being. When you see an emotional fever that indicates your child's size is affecting his body image, use active listening to get to the underlying feelings. When you see his emotional fever subside, ask permission to suggest some specific activities and attitudes he can adopt to bring his body image back in line. Be proactive and involved in your child's healthy choices. Remember, with weight, don't wait.

It's sad but true. We all lie. It's part of the human condition. There are a variety of different types of lying, none of which justify the behavior. When your child lies, you are faced with a critical choice. Do you laugh it off and maybe reinforce this attention-seeking behavior? Do you come down hard on your child and maybe show your power but at the expense of the relationship? Try looking at the lying as a symptom, rather than as an outcome. "Gosh, son. This isn't like you. What else is going on here? Where did that lie come from?" When you see the lie as evidence of an emotional fever, active listening is your go-to response both to get to the bottom of the event and also to turn the lying into a teachable moment. Using natural consequences rather than pure punishment as consequence for lying will also help your child understand the impact of his lying on himself and on others around him. When he is clearly caught in a lie and he denies it, use "the two troubles principle." His behavior buys him one trouble. Does he want to buy two troubles by lying about it?

Many families talk about having meetings, but rarely do. If, as the parent, you are a tyrant or a doormat, family meetings will be boring. If you are a benevolent despot, they can be fun and engaging. As benevolent despot, you understand the needs and feelings of all members and make every effort to include everyone in the decision-making process. Family meeting work best when they are routine, relatively short, and the outcome is clear. Where decisions are made, post them for all to see on the family activity calendar in the common area of your home. If you are trying something new, give it a week to breathe and then review how it went. Make sure to include every family member in the discussion. Like a well-oiled machine, family meetings can fine tune and keep families chugging along.

Children get frustrated trying to learn sometimes, or even just trying new things. While you always want to active listen your child's feelings when you see that emotional fever, try giving him a sandwich to help him with change and with difficult tasks. Your sandwich for your child is a way of encouraging him. That is, start with praise for his effort. Then active listen and acknowledge how hard the task is for him, and make helpful suggestions. Then follow up with another praise comment. When the critique is sandwiched between two praise comments, it goes down better and your child is more likely to try, try again.

In Matthew 22:39, Jesus gives us what I call "The Codependent's Commandment." He tells us to love one another as we love ourselves. We can't love one another well until and unless we love ourselves. As parents charged with raising our kids, we need to both show them how to, and model for them, loving themselves. Four specific habits help the process along. First, eat and sleep well and make time for fun. Second, develop a confidante friend with whom you can share your feelings. Third, keep a personal journal for reflection and self encouragement. Finally, make time for individual and family prayer and devotion. Developing these four habits, and teaching them to your children, will help your children love themselves.

Are you overloaded and overstressed? Do you have too much to do and not enough time or resources to get it all done? It doesn't have to be this way. First, get a dry-erase calendar and put it up in the kitchen or other common area in your home, for all to see and use. Second, use a weekly family meeting to reflect on what happened and plan for the next week's events. Third, and most importantly, you can't delegate enough. Sharing the load is halving the work. Being all things to all people is an impossibility. Everybody loses. Create group-think in your family and everybody wins. Don't be overloaded and overstressed.

What is a teachable moment, other than a great title for my parenting book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting. Teachable moments are the heart of effective parenting. They are the pathway for your raising your child to become a caring, helpful, responsible, independent adult. They happen in good times and in bad, if you are looking for them. It's when your child "gets it." His face softens, eyes light up, and magical insight occurs. It's when you feel closest to your child. It's especially powerful when you are able to build a teachable moment out of a crisis or problem your child faces. Teachable moments build character, empathy, creativity, problem-solving, emotional intimacy, and healthy relationships. Finding teachable moments with your child is you being the best parent you can be.

If what you focus on grows, then it makes sense to focus on the positive. Our kids, and actually all of us, seek attention. The thing about attention is that it has an absolute quality. That is, negative attention fills the bill just as much as positive attention. The problem is that it is lots easier to get negative attention. So, the the extent possible, focus on the positive. Also, if there are good and bad parts to us, they balance out to 100 parts. That means, if your child has 63 good parts about him, he then has 37 bad parts. The proportion always adds up to 100. So, if you focus on the good parts, remember that what you pay attention to grows, the good parts go up and the bad parts go down. Even when correcting your child, help him think about how he could have done things better, rather than blaming or shaming for what he did wrong. What you focus on grows into a teachable moment.

If you are looking for a trouble-free home, forget about it. All kinds of trouble, big and small, kid and parent, will visit your family at some time or another. You have no control over whether trouble comes. You have every control over what you do with it. The longer you wait, stall, rationalize, or stew over the trouble, the more of it you are going to eventually buy. The best option is to address troubles as soon as you are aware of them. Confront the situation with the offender, and then use your active listening to understand the feelings and context. Set the boundary, in terms of your expectations, and then talk together about how the offense can be avoided in the future. Set rules through family meetings and post them for all to see. Act as soon as trouble occurs and you will be buying very little of it.

When your daughter is getting ready to start her menstrual period, it can set a whole house spinning. Most teen girls see their period as a bother, not as a blessing. How you prepare her for her first period, and help her adjust to her monthly schedule can make all the difference in the world. Use your active listening to help her get all of her feelings out. When you see the emotional fever go down, let her know, "You know, sweetheart, I have some thoughts about how you can make do here. Can I share them with you?" Asking permission always helps open the door. It also invests your daughter in your ideas working. For a few months, help her get a rhythm that works for her, and involve her in activity and dietary options that can minimize her discomfort during her periods. Cut her some slack in mood and attitude, as long as she remains respectful. Hormones can wreak havoc in a home, but with planning and patience, you can weather this storm as well.

All parents use restricting your child's privileges, access, or time as a consequence for unacceptable words or actions. But there are two kinds of restriction models. The correctional model is like our country's prison system. While it may work as punishment, it is clearly power-based. I've introduced a relational model of restriction. In this model, your child is actively involved in just how long his restriction lasts. As he "gets it." you can lower the number of days he is on restriction. In this way, he is motivated to change his negative behavior. As you monitor his process, you can reward him along the way for making effort to change. The whole process brings the two of you closer together and creates teachable moments.

Angst is the sum of every bad feeling you can imagine. Attitude is, well, we parents all know attitude when we see it. Kids in general and teens in particular really don't want to share their feelings. When have you heard your teen say, "Hey, Dad. Can I share my feelings with you?" If you have, good for you. It's rare. Usually we see the attitude first. Actually, attitude is your teen reaching out to you. If you come back with power, attitude yourself, judgment, or even good solutions, you missed the mark. These responses may leave your teen feeling they are a burden to you. Use your active listening, as attitude is a hallmark of an emotional fever. Draw him out with a comment and question like, "Gosh, Son. This isn't like you. What else is going on?" If you get a shut-down response, turn this essay question into a multiple choice question. You know your teen well enough that you will probably hit the mark. Best option for parents of teens? Hang in there.

Most of us want to parent either just like mom and dad, or just opposite mom and dad. However, conventional wisdom shows us that we are drawn to the familiar, even if that familiar is unhealthy. We need to make a conscious choice to practice what is healthy but unfamiliar to us long enough for it to become familiar. When quality time with your child comes around, choose to be there for and with your child. Your quality time together is a great source for teachable moments.

If your child is going to have difficulty during the day, chances are it will happen during a transition time. Even with expected transitions, like changing classes, things are different. We have to adapt on the fly. Mostly it's easy, but sometimes not. To curtail potential difficulty engage in pre-planning with your child. Help him expect possible negative outcomes. Streamline the transition process so he has less to think about. Transitions can be tough, but with active listening and joint problem-solving, you can help ease transitions.

When your child is melting down, are you quick to go into damage control? Or are helping her settle down and re-group? Active listening is the go-to response to your child's upset. Try to avoid solving her problem, lecturing, or criticizing, as they only increase your emotional distance from her. When you are trying to active listen, most parents use 5 words or less to convey what you think she might be feeling in the moment. The more words you use, the more confusion and distance you might create, despite your best intentions. Remember, when you really want to help, less is more.

As our children grow, our parenting needs to change. There are four stages of parenting, depending on your child's age. They will be most receptive and you will be more effective as you parent accordingly. Youngsters require hands-on parenting, as they can't do for themselves. Children require directive parenting, as they test the limits of their abilities. Teens respond best to advice-based parenting, as they find their individual identity. Young adults and our grown children benefit from consultative parenting. As your child struggles, use active listening to settle her down. When you see that emotional fever go down, ask permission before offering help. "I have some thoughts about what's going on, sweetheart. Do you want to hear them?" You will always be their parent.

Parents who know, understand and respond to their child's needs and feelings are practicing servanthood parenting. That does not mean giving in all the time. Always giving in just promotes your child's sense of entitlement with no accountability. Yet, if you are truly practicing servanthood in your parenting your children, you help them manage stress better, develop emotional intimacy, and speak up for themselves. You are still the boss, and there are still boundaries and accountability, but there are also more teachable moments and a stronger family bond.

We are all born with the IALAC sign. How it evolves over time depends on our life experiences and how we handle them. Your gift to your child is to use active listening and teachable moments to nurture them through difficulties, so that they maintain the IALAC sign they were born with.

Most of the time you and your child get each other. But, when you don't get each other, there's a disconnect. Disconnects usually occur when your verbal and nonverbal behavior don't match up. When your child has an emotional fever, active listen. Verbal, use feeling words. Nonverbal, look at him, get down on his level, lean in, all nonverbal behaviors that tell him you are listening and that he is the most important thing to you in the world at that moment. When your child's verbal and nonverbal don't match up, observe and confess. "Son, you are telling me to go away, but you are crying. I'm confused. I just want to help." If he runs into your arms, you got your answer. If he yells, "I said go away," then leave, for the moment. Follow with, "when you want to talk about it, I want to listen." Both you and your child say things with your actions as well as with your words. How you say something is just as important as what you say.

In this age of internet and social media, it's easy for the tail to wag the dog. That is, if you don't have family rules for use of the internet and social media in your home, it could easily get away from you. Mental health professionals are now treating internet and social media addiction. To circumvent such difficulties, start with a family meeting. Kids get an equal say in voicing their feelings and opinions. List the where's and how's that personal electronics are on in your home, and then talk about the impact of these devices on your family time and functioning. Come to agreement on how they can be used without interfering with personal and family function. This podcast concludes with examples of three frequent rules for electronics use in your home.

As parents, we all have lots going on. When our child has a problem, it's always easier to just solve the problem for him. After all, we are bigger, smarter, more experienced in the world. Just solve it, right? If expedience is your goal, then sure. But do you want expedience with your child? Or, do you want relationship and teachable moments. When Joey shows words and actions that he has an emotional fever, use your active listening to calm his feelings. Then, tell him, "You know, Joey, I have some thoughts about what you are going through. Do you want to hear them?" If Joey declines your offer of help, don't force your solution. Let him choose. If he wants your help, help him think through all the options, evaluate them, and plan a solution. This is relationship-oriented, healthy, creative problem-solving, and a great teachable moment.

Unless your child is the one in a million who dives into homework each night with great joy and abandon, you experience the homework wars in your family. You know, they don't have to be awful. While you might active listen your child's reluctance to get started on their homework, doing it is not an option. They may have some say in how they do it, but getting it done each night is the goal. Think about how you can include your child in this problem-solving process, so that there are no casualties from your homework wars.

Isn't it great when things are going great? No fuss, no muss. Everybody's getting along. Things are getting done. There's a delightful playfulness in the air. Uh oh. What's wrong? Well, how about nothing? You are enjoying the fruits of your parental labor. Your relationships in your family are humming along. Remember, communication is relationship. How to be when things are going great? Be in the moment, Be mindful. Use the time with your family to instruct, to direct, to check in, and to find teachable moments. These things drive healthy parenting and family relationships.

Stress comes in two forms, the bad struff, distress, and the good stuff, eustress. Each form, however, can generate symptoms that take you off task. Who wants to work with sleeplessness, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal upset? While we can't avoid stress altogether, we can do something about both our mindset and our symptoms. Turn your what ifs into I wonders, and adding a positive outcome to your I wonder, changes your mindset from worrying to being curious. Eating right, making time for sleep and physical workout addresses some of the symptoms of stress. Don't let stress shut down your progress. These kinds of stress management strategies keep you on track for creating and using teachable moments.

At this holiday time of the year, what greater gift for your child than to really listen to her. Not just hear her words, but interact with your whole body, mind, and soul. That's the power of active listening. You are all there, all in. When your child knows she has your undivided attention, she feels free to really express herself and to let her into her world of needs, behaviors, and feelings. Give your children the gift of really listening, and spending time with them, this holiday season and every day of the hear. Happy Holidays!

Parents often parent according to what they have been used to, when they were kids in their growing up homes. That can be bad, or good. Most parents want to be just like their parents were with them when they were kids. Some parents want to be just opposite of the kind of parents they grew up with. When you focus only on acquired parenting, you are taking the job of parenting and ruling with an iron hand. My way of the highway. No relationship there, except one based on fear. When you focus on earned parenting, you make decisions based on the needs, feelings, and best interests of all involved. With earned parenting, you are choosing relationship over power. What you say still goes, but with sensitivity to all involved. Earn your authority over your kids by promoting healthy relationships.

All children are defiant at times. It's their way of exploring their environment and developing their identity. How we respond to their defiance will set the tone of what kind of person your child will become. If you focus on their defiance and your upset, you are power-oriented. You miss a critical teachable moment. If you are relationship-oriented, you will draw closer together, as well as maintain your authority. After settling down with active listening, draw your child out with this critical question, "Honey, this isn't like you. What else is going on here?" If they don't respond to this essay question, make it a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to figure out several possibilities of what might be going on. Once the air is cleared return to discussion about a reasonable consequence for their defiant behavior.

In healthy families, people talk to each other...a lot. Such talk, however, consists of both verbal and nonverbal communication. If the two are out of sync, then you have double-speak. Then, your child says, or does, "Wait...whaaat??" Double speak also can get parents in trouble. The world's worst parenting model is, "Do what I say, not what I do." That's trouble waiting to happen. Make sure both your verbal and nonverbal communication are in sync. Point out when you see your child's speak out of sync with something like, "Your words don't match your actions. What else is going on here?" Be prepared to active listen to help him reduce the emotional fever that is throwing him out of sync.

There are all kinds of parents. What kind are you? Are you a dictator? Overbearing? Pushover? Whatever? Or are you an absent parent? All of these types of parents diminish the relationship, even though they may be well-intended. When you make an effort to balance your needs, wants and feelings with those of your children, you are offering a meaningful relationship to them.

Worrying is good in terms of figuring out your options and planning ahead. But worrying too much can be debilitating. It can get your stressed out, anxious, and withdrawn from life. To knock out 80% of your worry, the destructive kind, focus on what you can do to make a situation better, which is constructive worry. Then, turn your what if thoughts into I wonder thoughts. Focus on a positive outcome and then make it happen.

Transitions are always hard. The one from teen to adult is probably the hardest, for both parent and teen. You want it all to go well, but you can't do it for your teen. Their stress in leaving is enormous, whether they want to go or not. You can help them most by active listening, asking their permission to comment after they have calmed down, offering suggestions, but letting them make their own choices. Be there for them emotionally and let them fly.

No, it's not a maybe, surely not a hope-they-won't. Teenage rebellion is a developmental imperative. In your child's young life, he goes from parents being the best thing since sliced bread, up to age 10. From ages 10-12, the jury's out. In adolescence, children forge their own direction, on their own, but with your help. Their rebellion is the source of their individual identity. It's what makes them different from you and who they are. So, help them with guidance and supervision, but let them be who they are becoming. Catch them when they fall, and give them as much freedom as they demonstrate responsibilty. Your reward is their becoming an independent, responsible, socially conscious young adult.

Yep. We all have hormones. While teenage girls get all the bad press, boys, girls, men, and women all have hormones. They help regulate our bodies and prepare us for change, both physically and emotionally. When raging hormones are evident, use your active listening to lower the emotional fever and then problem solve together

Goldilocks had it right when she went into the Three Bears home. She was hungry and tasted the three bowls of porridge. One was too hot, one too cold, only the last one was just right. Authoritative parents are too hot. It's my way or the highway. They parent by fear and the relationship with their children is lost. Permissive parents are too cold. Allowing their children to get away with misbehavior, after all, kids will be kids, sends a message of entitlement. I can do what I want, and with no consequences. To these kids, their parents are only a means to an end, still with no meaningful relationship. Mindful parenting is just right. We find an understanding of needs and feelings for both parents and their children, engage in meaningful problem-solving with both reward and consequence, maintaining accountability and supervision without sacrificing relationship. With mindful parenting, there are lots of relationship-building teachable moments.

Moods come and go. We don't like it when our child is in a mood, but we deal with it. "This isn't like you. What else is going on here?" is a great way to start active listening her. If it's attitude or disrespect, confrontation and consequences may be in order. Symptoms, however, are more enduring and require more time and attention. The 6-8 week rule helps determine whether she is in a mood or has a symptom.

A round tuit is a play on words that can help your child motivate the "do I hafta's?" to "get it done." Sometimes our kids get stuck in bad behavior. Use your best active listening to help bring his emotional fever down. Then ask permission to offer some solutions. Work together on finding rewards and consequences to help him make the necessary changes. The round tuit is a fun way to help him stay on task and make the necessary changes.

Did you know that stress can be both good and bad? When something good happens, it can be just as stressful as when something bad happens. Allow for either kind of stress, especially when in transition. Transitional times, in and of themselves, are stressful for your kids. When you ask them to change their focus, give them a ten minute heads-up to adjust for the stress of change. Stress is a part of our lives, but they, too, can fuel teachable moments.

You know what? Stuff happens. The question is, what do you do with that stuff? When something bad happens, turn it into something good. The tool for that magic is cognitive reframe. When things aren't working well for your child, that's indication that he has an emotional fever. What to do to help? Use your active listening. When their fever is down, they will be better able to tackle their problem. Offer help if you can, but only with their permission and after their emotional fever subsides. That's when they will be able to listen well. When they succeed in overcoming their problem, heap praises on them for sticking to it and getting through it. Use cognitive reframing to provide them with a teachable moment. See what you can do when you stick your mind to it?

No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" When you confront, prepare for blowback. Use active listening to lower your child's fuss level and then return to the confrontation. Be sure to praise your child when she follows through with your direction. Effective confrontation can nurture love and respect, while also providing a teachable moment.

I can't think of any child who dives into chores gleefully. Yet, we all have to do things that we don't want to do. For children, that's magnified because, by definition, children will always test the limits. Using communication strategies identified in my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, you can help your child turn those onerous have-to's into want-to's.

Many parents outright bribe their kids to "be good." Kids will take the bribe but not necessarily follow through with being good. They are not invested in the process. Effective behavior management tools include using The Good Kid Chart. Here, your child invests in the process, as you define what they are working on and they give you reasonable requests for daily and weekly reward for their efforts. It's a win-win system that both provides your child with a teachable moment and also helps them grow "in the ways of the Lord." You maintain parental authority. They engage in positive character development.

Just as our children reach certain developmental stages as they grow older, so too do us parents, depending on your child's stage of development. When they are totally helpless, we do for them, Hands-On Parenting. When we are helping them learn boundaries and relationships, we enter the Directive Stage of parenting. After they have developed the capacity for abstract thinking, but don't quite "know it all," we offer Advice-Based Parenting. Finally, as they reach adulthood and are in charge of their own lives, we offer Consultative Parenting. It's critical that your stage matches the developmental stage of your child. Yes, we parents go through stages of parenting if we are to be effective in raising our children.

When your children are upset, address their feelings with active listening to lower their emotional fever. When they are calmer, look for a teachable moment in their concern. Finding teachable moments in everyday time together both increases the emotional intimacy in your family and also helps turn events from surviving to thriving.

Raising your kids is the toughest job for which most parents are not prepared to do. Balancing the endless demands of childhood with the rest of your live is quite a challenge. Learning to delegate to your "village" and finding "me-time" in the mayhem, gives you the balance to take care of yourself and your kids. In Matthew 22:29, Jesus calls the second greatest commandment to "love one another as you love yourself." Taking care of your needs, through delegating and me-time, creates quality parenting for your kids.

Do we want power or relationship with our kids? When you come off as dominant, my way or the highway, you parent by fear, not by relationship. When you are too submissive and buddy buddy, you do so much for your child that they never learn how to do for themselves. As a benevolent despot, you have the earned authority of relationship, without having to use raw power, you direct the family according to everyone's needs and feelings, and you teach your children how to do for themselves.

Family meetings can be a great way to get everyone involved, and invested in, planning things the family does together. It could be the mundane, like dividing up a chore list, or the exciting, like planning a family vacation. As parents use active listening, productive confronting, and a big dose of pride and encouragement, everybody contributes and each comes away with something that works for them.

Children notice not only what we say but also how we say it. Verbal and nonverbal go together. When they need confrontation, challenge the behavior, not the child. When they need active listening and empathy, avoid the common errors of judging, criticizing, and offering solutions. Help your child become responsible for their words and actions and help them find solutions that are workable and that work for them.