Being there for your kids

Part of effective, healthy parenting is your ability to say "no," mean it, and stick by it. Confronting bad behavior, setting boundaries, and role modeling all require your ability to say "no." Put your hand up in stop sign fashion and firmly tell her "no." When you get blowback, use your active listening to soothe your child's upset, but maintain the "no." Remind your child to accept your decision to avoid further consequences. This will be hard the first several times, especially if you're "the cool parent." Stick to your guns and both of you will survive. Saying "no" is a big part of healthy parenting.

When do you reflect, "Ahh. This is what parenting is all about." Those are the best times ever. You don't have to wait to win the lottery or to go on your dream vacation. These best times ever happen daily when you get to soothe your child and impart your wisdom as well. You see your child's eyes light up. They are calmed and they get it. Teachable moments occur at any time on your life's journey, in good times and even in bad times, depending on how you reach out to her. Don't miss having the best...times...ever with your child.

Oh, boy! You did it now. You and your partner just had your first baby. Parenting is a 24/7/365, full-time, never-ending job. Like a circus act, just how do you keep all those plates spinning in the air at the same time? Several things come to mine. With newborns, when they sleep, you sleep, or at least rest. You can get other things done while your baby is awake, and they will get more quickly used to sharing your time and attention. Also, use your extended family and village to delegate, organize, schedule, make lists, and the like to keep from being overwhelmed and yourself on track. Finally, don't forget to balance self-care with other-care. Good nutrition, rest, play, and exercise is not only good for you, but also increases the quality time you do have with your baby. Try these things when you wonder what to do when there's too much to do.

If you are not parenting an only child, then you contend with sibling rivalry. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. Younger children tend to look up to their older siblings and want to be just like them. Help you older children be good role models for the younger ones. Siblings close in age tend to grow up together. If there are 3 years or more between the siblings, they tend to have separate peer groups. Siblings may fight likes cats and dogs together, but let someone else pick on one of them and they stick together. They also always want to know which one of them you love better. Don't fall for that. In fact, you love each for the unique qualities each brings to the family and to the world.

Because you are a parent, you use some form of behavior management with your children. The question is, does what you are using hurt or help him grow responsibily? Just because your parent may have used the belt on you doesn't make it the right form of discipline. What does your child learn from such punishment, except maybe to fear you? In Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting I share with you The Good Kid Chart. This is a relational, involving, 4-step process to help your child invest in responsibility and character-building. In addition to correcting him, you can also develop a teachable moment.

When things are going well, make lots of conversation with your children. Direct, instruct, or just check in with them. When you notice signs of emotional fever, use your active listening to help your child calm down and get perspective. When her fever seems to have subsided, ask permission before offering your own thoughts and perspective. Healthy parenting is the are of balancing talking and listening to bring the best our of your child.

Most parenting falls into one of three categories. Some parents are way too power-oriented. That would be authoritative. My way of the highway. Don't give me any backtalk. Do it now! This parenting breeds cowering children who just can't wait to be grown and gone. Other parents let their children get away with just about anything. That would be permissive. Okay, honey, whatever you want. Here, can I do that for you? This parenting breeds coddled, clueless children who feel entitled. That is, they can do what they want and with no consequences. This parenting breeds self-centered bullies who never want to leave home. Why would they? In parenting, shoot for just right parenting. Here, you understand your child's needs and feelings through active listening, set healthy boundaries, and encourage cooperation in the family process. Be a just right parent.

It's hard to try on new things. As a rule, we are used to the familiar, even if it is unhealthy. We have to make the switch to the healthy and keep with it long enough for it to become familiar. When learning new ways to interact and to talk with your child, don't keep your efforts a secret. Let them know how you are trying to change and get their feedback. When you go from scolding and power parenting to active listening and relationship parenting, your child will notice the difference. Feedback from him helps you gauge how well trying on new things is working for you. It's all about changing old habits and making your efforts known.

As families, we all want to make it well. Unfortunately, many families just get by. In Scripture, Jesus calls us to "have life and have it more abundantly" (John 10:10). I look at this encouragement as the difference between just surviving as a family, being functional, getting things done, as opposed to thriving as a family. When we thrive, we are joyful, cooperative, helpful, engaging, and we want to be together. Is that your family? There's a balance between learning independence, enjoying your alone time, and contributing to the family whole. Help your family move from surviving to thriving by being clear about rules and expectations, modelling the behavior you encourage, and establishing electronics-free times and places in your home. Instead of just getting by, you will find your family making it well.

Getting and keeping organized, especially as a family, is an art form. The bigger the family, the more important that you are organized. Everybody has a job to do, responsibilities, and accountability. If you are already there, great!! If not, consider these starting points. Assess with your spouse how your family can be run more efficiently. Think about all the everyday tasks for each person's needs and feelings to be addressed. Plan for a family meeting with advanced notice. After all of the grunts and groans, use your active listening skills to hear the needs and feelings. Use a planning calendar where all upcoming events (both individual and family) are posted. Create a chore chart and post house rules. Review and revise during weekly family meetings. Your goal is to organize, delegate, and revise. With these things in place, your family can reach all systems go.

Going from a loving couple to parents of a newborn is one heck of a major life change. Because that baby is completely helpless on her own, you are who she calls on 24 hours a day. The learning curve for both of you is very steep, but the love and reward is boundless. Learn the types of cries your child lets out. Is this the I'm poopy cry? I'm hungry? I want attention? I'm hurting? or the most used form, I'm just messin' with you? Find ways to do tag team parenting, when one of you is on, the other on is off-duty. This keeps both of you fresh and engaged. When your newborn is down, so should you be. That's when you both need your rest. Use both verbal and nonverbal active listening to understand what she is feeling, what her needs are. Newborns thrive on contact comfort. This new bundle of joy is now part of your family.

Parenting is a lifelong job for which few of us have training. Often, we either wing it or model the parenting we grew up with. One of the great mysteries of parenting is tracking your child's behavior to help determine whether what she's going through is a mood or a symptom. Several child development theorists have chimed in on the subject from different perspectives. Do your homework. Also, use active listening to help relieve your child's emotional fever and be available whenever she wants to unload. In particular, track whether what's going on in he life is a function of her current mood? Or could it be a symptom of a mental health issue? I suggest following "the 6-8 week rule." If what you are noticing is occurring for less than 6-8 weeks before easing, then it's probably the result of a mood. If it occurs for greater than 6-8 weeks, it might be a symptom. That's when you consider the help of a professional.

As a child, growing up, what are some of the best...times...ever that you remember with your family? As a parent in your own family now, what can you do to help your children have the same kind of "best ever" memories to take from their childhood? To the extent that you develop healthy relationships with your kids, make quality time with them, and nurture their kindred spirit, creativity, and effective problem-solving, you have the foundation for great times with them. Such times can be in the moment and not cost you a dime. They can also be a well-planned family vacation, where each family member has opportunity to relax, enjoy, and explore their interests. Active listening your child's needs and feelings, brainstorming possibilities, and using family meetings for specific planning will give you opportunity to let the good times roll.

Not only is "me time" allowed. It is essential for you to be at your best as mom and dad. In Matthew 22:36, Jesus calls us to "Love one another as you love yourself." It's hard to give your all to healthy parenting if you don't take care of yourself. This is not an either/or. It's a both/and. Consider the Pyramid Effect. First, God is above the pyramid on which you perch. As your relationship with God is healthy and loving, you have resources to love your spouse. As your marriage is loving and healthy, you have resources to love your children, and so on. Set these priorities. Also, delegate and set boundaries through family meetings, to make sure you set time and opportunity aside for yourself, to recharge your batteries for taking care of your family. "Me time" is both allowed and essential. Not selfish, but self-caring.

The prize vase is broken. Could the accident have been avoided? Probably. Was the vase broken on purpose? Probably not. Does your son need to learn the lesson to be more careful? Absolutely. Now, your job as parent is to construct circumstances where that lesson will be learned and appreciated. If you choose punishment as your lesson-learning tool, your child may become more careful, but out of fear of further beatings. If you choose natural consequence as your lesson-learning tool, your child will also become more careful, but out of love and healthy relationship, understanding the cost and impact of his not being careful. Use active listening to calm his emotional fever around the accident. Then ask questions that will prompt his thinking about what he needs to do to make things right again. When in doubt, always choose natural consequence over punishment.

If getting your child to bed is World War III, how's that working for you? Bedtime can be the best time with your child, depending on how you structure it. Give her some settle down time, where she can transition from the day to snuggling in bed. This is where you talk about your days, read stories, sing lullabys, and get all of the stall tactics out of the way. After settle down time, consider using what I call the "Snuggle Bunny," as a calming technique. Structuring your child's bedtime in this manner will help convert it from a battle zone to the best...time...ever, for both of you.

As parents, we all are faced with a parenting choice. Do we want power over our children? Or do we want relationship with out children? Don't confuse power with authority. As mom and dad, you always have authority. The question is about how you use it. You can use power, by yelling, spanking, and exercising other forms of discipline. Power gets you compliance, but at the expense of relationship. Do you really want your child to fear you? When you choose relationship, you use active listening to understand what your child was thinking and feeling at the time of the problem. You help him understand the impact of his actions on himself and others. You may decide on a natural consequence to his inappropriate words or actions. In doing these things, you likely keep the relationship intact. When you want relationship, you get love and understanding.

Sometimes chaos just breaks out and you have to go into crisis mode. When your children aren't getting along, what to do? Each of your children is precious to you and you love each uniquely, but you still have to maintain order and keep them from killing each other. Several steps in the process are important. Separate for each (and you) to cool down. Active listen each child's emotional fever without judgment or blaming. Levy appropriate natural consequences, and moderate their talk with each other about how to avoid such conflict in the future. This process is a great way to help your kids get along.

A space launch is a great metaphor for shepherding your teen into adulthood. The journey begins at birth, and you will always be his mom and dad, but letting go helps your teen launch into adulthood. You and extended family are part of his launch crew. The lessons you have shared with him along the way, the teachable moments, are all part of his training for mission. As he leaves Earth's atmosphere (your home) and ventures into outer space (the real world), he will have occasional mid-course corrections to reach his target destination. This is where your wise counsel guides him. It's his life now, so be careful not to give advice, but rather to ask for permission to share your perspective. This is your consultative stage of parenting. As you beam with pride for the young person your teen has become, it's mission accomplished.

Your kids will get your attention, one way or another. Sadly, negative attention is often easier to get. It's more immediate and all-consuming. Punch your sister when she's not playing fair? Mom will be on you like white on rice. Positive attention usually takes longer and can be set aside with a brief response. Come home with good grades and showing mom? "That's nice, honey," as she continues on the phone with her friend. So, the key is that what you pay attention to grows. If you want to give your child more positive attention, make a bigger deal of it to her and to others in her earshot. Because attention has an absolute quality, the more positive attention you give her, the less negative attention she will seek. Promote positive attention with your kids.

"Okay! Who made this mess?" Your question is met with a chorus of "not me's" When and how do you get to the truth? First, how important is the mess? If it directly affects you in the moment, then it needs to be straightened first. Deal with the lying later. Whatever the timing, when confronting the Not Me-er, make sure you child understands his choices. If he messed up and owns it, you have a teachable moment. You active listen his upset, ask permission to offer counsel, and help him with corrective steps. He may also get a consequence for his actions. If he messes up and lies about it by saying "I didn't do that," confirm the infraction independently, and then give two consequences, one for the mess up an one for lying about it. Lying can double the trouble.

Everybody who says, "yaay. We get to do household chores today," raise your hand. I didn't think so. And yet, all families have chores to do. The saying "more hands, less work" is true. Also, we parents need to get our kids involved to help teach them order, cleanliness, organization, and accountability. Help younger children until they get the hang of it. Assign older children according to their abilities and age. Active listen the griping, but persist. It's one of those "you'll thank me later" moments where you are preparing your child to be an adult, in a meaningful relationship, and passing blessings on to their children. Doing chores are both part of being a family and chock full of teachable moments.

Worrying is unavoidable. Productively, it helps us prepare for upcoming events. Worry also comes in two forms, constructive worry and destructive worry. It's about a 20/80 split. Wow! Almost 80% of our worry time is destructive. That's the stuff over which we have no control. Thermonuclear war? Girlfriend liking somebody else? Teacher's mood? Not much we can do about these and other things. When your worry is destructive, give it up. Deep breaths, prayer, distractions. Vocab test tomorrow? Getting everything on your to do list done? Staying in shape? These are matters of constructive worry. Think about each and decide what you can actively do to ease your worry and generate confidence, commitment, and completion. If you worry too much, you are probably putting your worry time on destructive worry. Determine what you have control over and use constructive worry to take care of it.

Being a parent is always a 24-7-365 opportunity. But, it's impossible for you to be there for your child, in a high quality way, if you are not there for yourself. Taking time to understand your wants and needs and to nurture your own feelings puts you on top of your game when you are there for your kids. In the Bible, Matthew 22:39, Jesus taught that the only two rules we have to follow are to "love your God completely, and love yourself as you love others." Loving yourself means making time for you. Quiet time. Devotional time. Alone time. Schedule these times when child care is minimal, such as before the kids get up or after they go to bed. Schedule these times also when the cavalry is available and you can be "off duty." Not only are you re-energizing for the long parenting haul, but you are also modeling for your kids their abilities to understand their needs and feelings and to take care of themselves. That's a profound teachable moment.

It's true! We live in the age of cybertechnology. Now, that's not a bad thing, and we have all kinds of benefits from having the world at our fingertips. However, when electronics come into our homes, as parents, we need to identify and enforce rules for their usage. In addition to prohibition apps to keep your child off certain sites, you can also install a timer that shuts down their gaming for the day after a certain time. Also, safeguard electronics-free zones (the dinner table?) and balance computer play with outdoor, fresh air play. With these and other rules that come from a family meeting, you can enjoy our age of cybertechnology, as well as healthy family fun and teachable moments.

As parents, we often feel it is our responsibility and obligation to punish our children when they mess up. So, it feels natural to us to yell, admonish, and threaten our kids, and then to spank, give work, or time out as a corrective measure. But, tell me this. What's natural about punishment? My answer? Nothing is natural about punishment. It merely diminishes your child, only enhances your power, creates distance in your relationship with him, and leaves no room for teachable moments. Instead of punishment when called for, consider natural consequences to your child's behavior. Stealing? Have her return the item with apology. Yelling and hitting siblings? Have him do her chores as well as his for a time week. Being disrespectful? Have her look up key positive words in the dictionary and write a one-page description and example. Natural consequences yield positive outcomes to child misbehavior and create teachable moments.

So, so, so much to do these days. Where does the time go? How can we fit it all in? We live in an accelerated world and our kids can get caught up in it too. Times to connect meaningfully with your child might not only be a weekend camping trip. It might just only be a five-minute car ride. You're already tuned in to possible emotional fever, where you use active listening to calm your child down. Also be tuned in to teachable moments, where you have your child's ear and you can impart your wisdom. Make the most of opportunities to connect with your child, in both large and small ways.

Parents come in all shapes and sizes...and types. Some parents are blustery power mongers. They expect to be obeyed without question. They holler both direction and consequence. Don't be a blustery power monger. Your kids will be eager to leave home and start their adult life. Some parents are doormats. "What? Sure, honey. Anything you want....Anything else?" They don't want their child to mess up, be hurt, fail, or any other character-building experiences. Being a servant parent sounds like being a doormat, but it's not. As servant to your child, you are eager to understand their needs and feelings, wise to distinguish what's best for them, and always there to catch them when they fall, turning obstacles to opportunities. What type of parent are you?

For us involved parents, listening is the good stuff. We usually are on target. We get affirmation from our kids when the light goes on in their head. Listening sets the stage for getting permission to help them out. It's the confronting that "good guy" parents don't like doing. And yet, the two are linked, if you want to be an effective parent. If you only listen when things are going great with your child, or even when they have an emotional fever and you are helping them out, you run the risk of being a permissive parent. Permissive parents are high on self-esteem, but low on responsibility. Without confronting, when the situation calls for it, your kids can get a sense of entitlement, where they feel like they can do anything they want and with no consequences. Effective parenting is both listening and confronting.

Do we as parents embrace our teen's adolescent years? Do we control them? Do we tolerate them? None of the above. When your child enters her teenage years, the best you can do is endure them. Moods? Attitude? Disrespect? Challenges? All of the above. A German psychologist talked about the "sturm ung drang" of adolescence, the "storm and stress." If you use heavy-handed parenting, your teen will either comply or rebel further, both responses at the expense of healthy relationship. Instead, appeal to their better side with observation. "Wow! This isn't like you, Ben. What else is going on here?" If Ben doesn't answer the essay question, make it multiple choice. You know your teen well enough that you'll likely hit on something bugging him. Then follow with active listening to help lower his emotional fever. Yep. That is your teen. Endure the journey.

Parents come in all types. Some of us are power dudes. My way or the highway. You get results, but our of fear, not relationship. Other parents treat their children like cut crystal. Don't set boundaries or challenge them, or they will break into tiny pieces. Such a doormat parent yields entitled children who grow up not being able to do for themselves. Servant parents seek to understand their child's needs and feelings with active listening and, with permission, helps them grow in the ways of the Lord. Servant parents encourage individuality, but with respect for others, and community, to help build healthy relationships. If you have the choice of being the power dude, doormat, or servant, choose servant.

Which gets through to your child better---talking or listening? That's a trick question. The answer depends on how your child's doing. If he is having problems, listening is better, specifically active listening. Active listening helps your child know their feelings, lower their emotional fever, and bring all their resources to bear on working things out. If he is not having problems and life is just moving along, talking is better. You can instruct, direct, and share your wisdom. You use "check-in" comments to gauge how he's doing, and then bask in the opportunities for teachable moments. Listening opens your child's heart up to figure problems out. Talking gives your child opportunity to expand his knowledge base hanging out with you.

Active listening is your go-to communication tool when your child is having difficulty. You are sharing with her what you hear her feeling. That comes from your heart. If you try to fix her problem, judge or criticize her, or guilt her into behaving, you will be correcting her, but it comes from your head. Will she really learn anything, other than to do what she is told? If you share what you hear her feeling, she feels heard, valued, and perhaps able to try again. When her emotional fever subsides, ask her permission to help her. If what you share is not what she is feeling, your words still spur her on to identify what she is feeling. With active listening, you are right when you are right and your are right when you are wrong. Let your parenting come from your heart.

When parents choose to come from their head, they run the risk of getting all power-oriented with their child. This can lead to distance, dejection, and dismissal. Trying to figure out your child's feelings in the moment is the way to come from your heart. And, it's a win-win situation. If you say what you think she is feeling, she feels affirmed, her emotional fever goes down, and she becomes re-energized to move past her upset. If you miss the mark in what you think she is feeling, she will correct you. this gives her an opportunity to figure out what that is. With active listening, you are right when you are right and you are right when you are wrong. That's win-win parenting.

As parents, we correct, teach, encourage our children to do things right and the right way. That comes with the job of good parenting. However, can you be grateful and affirm as well? Your child will be uniquely himself. He may do or say things differently than you. That's okay. It gives him a chance to explore his creativity and explore who he is. Would you really want a mini-me? As you interact with your child, take time to express your gratitude and affirmation of who he is becoming. It's a teachable moment and he will glow from your words.

When you want something, do you just take it? Or do you ask? Most folks will ask, out of respect for the giver. You know what? Our kids deserve the same respect we would naturally give an adult. When your child has shown an emotional fever, and you have used active listening to calm her down, now's the time to offer suggestions and help. The key is to ask her permission, regardless of her age. "You know, sweetheart, you've had such a rough go of it. I have some thoughts about what's going on and how to handle it. Do you want to hear them?" Just plowing on risks your relationship with your child. They may feel judged, inadequate, not smart enough to figure it out. By asking permission to speak, you are conveying respect, and your words matter more. If she says "no," don't continue anyway. Simply let her know that you will wait until she is ready for your comments. Just ask!

You parenting style determines how your child will turn out. Too hard? He becomes timid to you, but passive-aggressive, possibly a bully or juvenile delinquent. Too soft? He becomes anxious and fearful because he really does not want to be in charge. Self-serving and entitled are his trademarks. Just right? He gets it. Life is cooperation and compromise. He becomes an independent, responsible, community-minded adult. Get your child on the right path. Be a just right parent.

You want a relationship with your child. Then communicate. You can't, don't, don't want to communicate? An old saying is that children should be seen but not heard. Good luck with that. Without communication, all you are left with is your power. Power does not make for a good relationship. Active listening and emotional intimacy make for good relationships. In all families, communication is relationship. In healthy families, that communication focuses on emotional intimacy, not on power. With emotional intimacy, you can use your earned authority to execute effective, and appropriate power. Communicate, both verbally and nonverbally, with your child. Be congruent with what you say and do. Use active listening to "get" your child. Be on the same page with your child.

After breaking up the bedlam between your children, how do you sort it out? Who started it? How did each contribute? Who gets consequences? What ever you do, don't start with these questions. After separating the combatants, use your active listening to lower emotional fevers, ask permission to make suggestions, and by all means include each in the problem-solving process. The basic question is, "What can each of you do to avoid these bad things with each other in the future?" Family history will plan a part, and you won't get it right the first time, or the tenth time :( However, make sure your kids know you are trying and that getting along is the goal. With time, practice will make prefect.

Okay. You've learned about active listening when your child is upset. You've got the "you feel" down pat. Even though you are on target, a repetitive "you feel" statement fro you could well annoy your child or, worse, be tuned out with a dismissive "whatever!" The key to helpful active listening is not only reflecting back to your child what you believe she is feeling. It is also tuning in nonverbally, perhaps a hug?, as well as verbally, with feelings. Most importantly, be creative and dare to be different with your words and presentation. "It sounds like you're..." "I'm not sure I'm hearing you right. Is it...?", "Wow! You're really..." Such variations tells your child that you are really trying to capture what's going on with her and not just trying to score points with "you feel..." When you notice her emotional fever going down, then you can switch to problem-solving with her permission. "I've got some thoughts about how you can handle this. Do you want to hear them?" Now you are connecting with her in her emotional pain and helping her move past it without owning it yourself. Dare to be different.

As parents, it is part of our job to direct our kids and, as needed, to confront them. Neither of these go well with yelling and frustration. If you power up, so will your child. A way to avoid such power struggle is to use active listening after directing or confronting. If your child stalls or refuses your direction, assume that there is a reason. Using active listening will help you understand where her bluster came from. The bluster is actually evidence of an emotional fever, because it's not usually like her. Active listening is your go-to when you see her emotional fever. Once her fever is calmed, you can go back to your direction or confrontation, but without the power struggle

It's not a maybe. It's a certainty. Kids will always test the limits. Why? If feels like the reason is simply to get on your last nerve. However, it's deeper than that. Your child is navigating his world. Imagine doing that blindfolded in a blackened room. Feeling your way would be terrifying. When your child is testing the limits, he is doing so to make sure the limit is there. They want your guidance and direction, your confrontations and boundaries. Your authority is like taking the blindfold off and turning on the lights, so your child knows where he is and how to get where he wants to go. While being firm, celebrate your child's limit-testing as a new teachable moment.

When I work with couples in marriage therapy, I take mental note of the approximate proportion of talk time each has. A telling sign of difficulty is when one spouse talks way more than the other. This is also true of parenting, especially with teens. If you want to have a meaningful relationship with your teen, enter his inner world of thoughts and feelings. Your access is by listening in general and by active listening in particular. When teens feel heard, even if you don't fully understand, they feel valued and they will be more likely to give you a pass into their world.

Children are hard-wired to test our limits. But why do they do that? First, it's a vital part of growing up and transferring power from the parents to the child. Second, kids test the limits to be sure that they are there. The last thing a child wants to be is in charge. Being given no limits creates fear and anxiety in the child. So, they act out to assure that you will set them straight, confront, set healthy boundaries for their behavior. Aaah, thanks, mom. That was scary there for a moment. When you child is plucking your last nerve, their words and actions are code for "Help me. I'm in over my head and need you to be back in charge."

It's easy to get by. You know, function, do the bare minimum, get to the next day without drama. That's called surviving. But can you work on raising your family's standard from surviving to thriving? That would be making time for each other, mattering in each other's lives, looking forward to quality time together. We all tend to get in a rut and just do what we are comfortable doing. We can, however, step just a little bit our of our comfort zone and do the unexpected. Things eating together as a family, with no electronics at the table, planning a family game night, talk about how our day's went, talk to each other about our hopes and dreams for the future. These gestures are the hallmark of a thriving family life. When you move from surviving to thriving, you make the most of the precious time you all have together.

Good, bad, or indifferent, you are a role model for your children. When our kids are toddlers, they hang on our every word. As they get older, not so much. Regardless, what you say and do, and how you say and do it, sticks with your child. As you set the example for your child, you want your character, temperament, and priorities to shine. He won't be a carbon copy of you, but the personalities that our kids develop over a lifetime come 80% from you, 15% from their peer group, and are only 5% unique to them. Being a good role model for your child will be your gift to him that will pay dividends for his whole lifetime. What kind of role model are you?

With busy families, there is always too much to do and not enough time within which to do it all. Getting and staying organized will reduce the stress of getting everything done and also build family relationships. Three rules come to mind. First, plan upcoming events with at least 3-days' notice. Second, delegate, delegate, and, oh yeah, delegate. As your kids get older, they can help out. You may have to show them and teach them at first, but doing for themselves will lighten your load. Finally, use weekly family meetings to look at how the past week went and to plan events coming up in the next week. Keep a large, dry erase calendar where everybody can post things as they come up. No surprises equals better planning. Lighten your load by staying organized.

When you are able to help your child stay in the moment, you are clearing out the potential emotional baggage that clutters life decisions. Focusing on past situations and issues tends to ramp up depression. Focusing on future situations and potential issues tends to ramp up anxiety. Mindful parenting promotes focusing on both yours and your child's needs and feelings at that moment. It is the best opportunity to successfully sort things out. It can also be a source for teachable moments and will enhance emotional intimacy. Be a mindful parent and help your child stay in the moment.

Sometimes, too much is going on. It feels like chaos central at your home. Guess what? You are not alone. Chaos leads to feeling overwhelmed and not in charge. As parents, you want life to be as neat and orderly as possible. When everything seems to be out of control in your home, consider these 3 steps, prepare, instruct, and reward, to regain rule and order. First, after getting a reading on how over-the-top things are, plan a family meeting to lay it all out for the kids. Prepare to use your active listening during the meeting as the fur flies. Use the meeting to find things that can be scheduled, and then make the schedule. Find things that can be planned for. If morning routine is chaotic, find all the things that can be done the night before, so that mornings are less hectic. For example, pack lunches in the fridge the night before, lay out clothes to wear, secure backpacks. The less cluttered crunch time is, the less chaotic. Second, make a list of instructions so that the planned tasks will occur accordingly. Give a copy of these instructions to each family member, both for compliance and accountability. Set the following week as the time to implement a "test run" of your plans. Finally, reward the efforts by all to follow through on the instructions by setting aside a family reward. Of course, things won't go perfectly, so consistency is the name of the game. Chaos central conquered.

When you notice your child not "getting it," it may be time to help him out. One way is to help him manage his behavior effectively. The Good Kid Chart is a tool I've developed to help parents involve their kids in managing behavior. Putting together your child's Good Kid Chart becomes a joint effort, with ample effort from him in identifying target behaviors and coming up with multiple options for short term reward, longer term reward, and consequences. Children go from fighting with each other to getting along better because they see it as in their best interests to do so, not just because it's in the house rules. When your child needs correction, use The Good Kid Chart to gain his cooperation and it becomes a teachable moment as well.