Being there for your kids

In these difficult times, we are all called upon to make the best of it. With both anxiety and depression on the rise during the pandemic, how can we plan get togethers and still be safe? In my first letter, a mom laments that her 5 year old's birthday may not happen as the little boy would like. I give her some options and encourage her active listening her son's frustrations and disappointment. My second letter comes from a teen, at her mom's encouragement. With her 13th birthday party on the rails, she concludes "This pandemic sucks!!" I help her make plans that are both fun and safe. How can we make the best out of a bad situation?

The holidays are coming up and listeners have lots of questions on their mind. Here are two holiday favorites. The first listener asks how to address her teen's thoughtful question about how Christmas came to be celebrated in December when that wasn't Jesus' birth month. I encourage the mother/son dialogue and offer some research. In the second letter, mom is frustrated with her tantrum-throwing 5 year old. Remember the rule, children will always test the limits. They test them to be sure they are there. I encourage mom to active listen her son's frustrations, set healthy boundaries, and mutually problem solve with him after his emotional fever has gone down.

We all only get physically born once, so it's a big deal. The annual anniversary of our birth is the one day a year that we can claim as our own. As parents, we want our child's birthday to stand out as special. In the first letter, mom is hurt and saddened by her son being left out of another playmate's birthday party. Active listening his feelings and finding alternative ways to help that day be special will help him deal with a tough situation. From the second letter another mom wants suggestions about how to have 2 parties in a single day, with her daughter and her best friend wanting to move away from their joint birthday celebration. I suggest that mom is looking at a problem, when it is really a symptom. Redirecting her will put her more on target.

Hi. I'm glad to be back after vacation. My first letter to me today comes from a mom who is puzzled over whether or not to allow a boy/girl birthday party for her 13 year old daughter. I encourage them to talk it through thoroughly and advise her daughter of the Principle of Responsible Freedom in planning for her big day. In the second letter, "Stuck" fears giving her 10 year old son a surprise birthday party that may undo him. Active listening is the tool for this mom, to help her son sort through all of his feelings about the event and to include him in the details. Blessings, Dr. Jon

Every year children and parents go through the ritual of starting the new school year. Got everything you need? Know where you are going? What's for lunch? Where are your classes? These are things all kids and parents need to know to start the new school year. In my first letter today, mom fears letting loose her middle school son to get his own new school year clothes. I caution that the letting go process should have started with his birth and share some thoughts about applying that principle now. In my second letter her 4th grade daughter is telling mom not to treat her like a baby anymore. Sound familiar? Here's how to cross that bridge of "tweenager" with your child and for yourself. Check them out.

Birthdays can and should be always special. Be creative. Think outside the box. Sometimes, circumstances need to be considered as well. My first reader wrote with questions on how to stop a potential train wreck, with their son's grandparents taking charge. Setting boundaries and being assertive while also being appreciative is the message of the day. My next letter was from a mom whose twin 10 year olds want to do things differently this year. Handling twinship while encouraging individual identity is the message here. Blessings, Jon

A new mom wrote me recently about how overwhelmed she is. Trying to do it all is always exhausting. I encouraged her to share her feelings with hubby and then divide and conquer home chores and newborn bonding time. With the uncertainty of the Delta Variant of the coronavirus and the possibility of a second pandemic lockdown, another mom wrote her many questions that all parents have with the new school year looming. Active listening, honesty, and reliable information will work for her and her family. To be on the safe side, get vaccinated, socially distant, mask, and hand wash.

Two of the letters I received this week both involve handling the new in family functioning. In the first letter, Adam's parents are aghast by 2 yr old Benjy is dealing with newborn brother Adam. I encourage these folks to look at Benjy's behavior not as problematic, but rather as symptomatic. In the second letter, mom is feeling underappreciated as her brood gripe about getting ready for the new school year at summer's end. Active listening, followed by family problem-solving does the trick.

Birthdays at any age are about feeling special and doing something fun. Sometimes, however, things come up and we are thrown into a birthday quandry. In the first letter, mom is hurt and confused when her son is not invited to a neighborhood child's birthday party. I help her navigate that social sleight. In the second letter, best friends have the same birth date and have always celebrated their birthday party jointly. This year, however, they want separate parties. Is this about wanting to feel more special, or is it something else. I help mom encourage her daughter to wonder what else is going on and where this request came from.

As parents, we have lots of opportunity to discipline, teach, and remind our kids. But do we routinely show them kindness? In Scripture, Proverbs 22:6 states, "Raise your children up in the ways of the Lord so that, when they grow old, they will not depart from Him." That's a tall order, but with life-changing impact. By all means remind, teach, and discipline your kids, but also add moments of positivity, praise, and acts of kindness. That's the legacy worth passing on to them.

In this first letter, the writer is having frustration carrying all of the parenting load. I give her steps to help hubby get on board and help out more. In the second letter, mom wonders why her punishment of her child seems to do no good on his behavior. Help your child make good choices, rather than use his power with siblings. Trade in "punishment" for "natural consequences."

My first mom wrote me about wrenching guilt when she wanted "me-time" away from her kids. All of us need me-time. Your options are not either/or, but rather both/and. Creative problem-solving with the kids helps all of you win. The second letter is from a family whose summer plans have been upended by job loss and limited funds. Take time to put together a family meeting where you can share the load and brainstorm ideas for having summer fun with limited expense. Keeping the lines of communication open with your kids is always the path to emotional intimacy, cooperation, and bonding.

Transitioning from school year to summer schedule can be challenging for some families. In this first letter, mom laments that their vacation planning is "never good enough" for the kids, who complain regardless. Including the kids in the planning process always goes a long way. In the second letter, mom is frantic to corral her brood after school is out for the summer. Taking account of structure, supervision, and accountability makes for smooth sailing through summer activities.

The first letter is from a parent who is concerned about whether her child's nail-biting behavior is symptomatic of anxiety. What exactly is stress? My second letter is from a parent who asks if there is such a thing as mental health wellness checkups for the family. What great questions. Check out this podcast to see how I answer them. Blessings, Dr. Jon

Starting school and starting the teen years are two troubled times for all kids. Parents are tasked with helping them navigate these difficult terrains. In the first letter for today, I heard from a mom who wants tips on helping a good teen keep up the good work in school. Praise and revising homework patterns come to mind. In the second letter, the mom of a 5 year old victim of bullying in kindergarten is frantic to stop her child from being bullied. Practicing helpful confrontation and also asking the classroom teacher to have the guidance counselor give an anti-bullying presentation to the class will go a long way toward keeping her precious away from bullying.

Both letters today are about making birthdays special for our kids. In the first, the parents set up a "free pass" birthday rule, where Alex was not punished for any rule infractions, but only on his birthday. Is this a good idea, a good way to make his birthday special? In the second letter, mom wants to know how to handle kid sister who expects to be a part of her big sister's sleepover birthday celebration, when big sister is saying "no way." Can mom find a win-win solution that makes the birthday celebration special for both children?

My first letter addresses adolescent issues with your teen who is really a good student, but seems to be slacking. Considering new homework rules and using the Principle of Responsible Freedom is the ticket. For my second letter, we switch to a petite 5 year old victim of bullying in her kindergarten class. Active listening, role-play, and proactive parenting will equip her to handle the bullying. Have other questions? Email me and I'll respond, both personally and on air. Blessings.

While kids usually accept that they have to go to school, they don't always want to. Even natural transitions can make going to school tough. In the first letter, a mom asks questions about whether and how to get her twins off to preschool. Following that letter, a desperate mom is frantic about her middle schooler's meltdown. Navigating these tough times with our kids is what being there for them is all about.

Being a new parent is the toughest job any of us ever have, for which we have NO training. With just our own parents for reference, we usually want to be just like them, or nothing like them. Navigating nighttime for newborns can be exhausting. Here, I offer some tips. A basic questions all families face is this. Who's in charge? If you don't clearly define that you are in charge, your kids will run rough shod until you take control. Securing rules, boundaries, roles, and expectations is a start. Reward and consequence systems follow and families can be comforting and run smoothly for all.

Two letters I selected typify extremes of the spectrum. In the first, parents want to get back to their lives after being vaccinated. In the second, a little boy is devastated when his best friend is hospitalized. Being creative but cautious is the theme in each of these letters. While we can't let COVID-19 control our lives, we do need to take every precaution.

How to put together a fun birthday party for a 5 year old during the pandemic can stretch your creativity. This young mom of 3 preschoolers has her hands full. What could be available options? Next, a 13 year old young teen is bummed by the pandemic restrictions which, in her words, "suck." Helping her get out of her funk is the challenge. Do you have parenting questions for me? Email me.

More letters on parenting issues. My first mom is really concerned about her spiralling son whose senior year in high school is crashing because of the pandemic. Some thoughts, but also helping her consider getting him into therapy if things don't improve soon. Another letter is from "Freaked" who frets over balancing the needs and demands of her family, as they all stay-at-home. Encoourage detailed scheduling and balancing me-time with family demands.

A year has passed since the first coronavirus infections in the United States. We are all finding our "new normal." Many listeners have been emailing me with questions about adjusting to this new normal in our lives. Today starts a new series on my podcast, where I will be sharing with you some of these letters and my responses. Today, mom laments changes in how she will celebrate her 6 year old's birthday party. Also, another letter decries all the changes in family functioning for everybody to get things done. Message me when you have questions of your own. I will respond personally and within a subsequent podcast. Blessings, Dr. Jon Robinson

Many kids feel banished to their rooms and not come out until that homework is finished "young man!!" Home schoolers can feel isolated throughout their school day. As parents, it is vital that your kids know that you are there for them as they struggle to complete assignments. Draw on and draw in other resources to bolster your child's homework and home schooling experience. As they find more creative, engaging, unique, and interesting ways to tackle assignments, with your oversight, school becomes more of fun experience. Help your kids use all of the resources at their disposal. Be the sounding board. Active listen when you see them being stuck. Be the cheerleader with their efforts and their success. It takes a village to school your child.

Everybody who has failed, raise your hand. Yep, that's everybody. If your hand's not raised, you are lying :( Interestingly, failure is a critical part of success. How can we know what's right, if we first don't know what's wrong? How you handle your failures provides a critical role model for your kids. How you help your kids deal with failure is a critical component in their building character. When you help them see that each failure is also a blessing in disguise, you help them build up steam to learn more.

Getting your child to embrace homework can be rough. Complaints, stall tactics, moaning and groaning can abound. After clearing the way with active listening and helping him get down to task, help him see and start with his strengths, what is shorter to complete, what he's good at. This strategy helps him build up a positive head of steam heading into the hard stuff. Find ways to break down the hard stuff into more time manageable pieces. Go for shorter work times with alternating break/fun times. With these successes, he will be better able to tackle the harder stuff.

Everything happens for a reason. If your child is not getting down to task as you directed, try to understand the context for his stalling. Such questions as, "What else is going on?" and, "Why now?" are good starters for conversation. Use your active listening to help him lower his emotional fever, and then help him problem solve before redirecting him to task. Understanding the context for his delay, and resolving his distraction, will clear the way for his focusing fully on the task at hand.

As important as the 3R's of schooling are, and adding to the list the fourth "R," the goal of parenting our kids through their school experience is helping them build character and develop a growth rhythm. That's what serves them best in being all they can be as an adult. Being a good role model, helping them make good decisions, teaching them about putting their energies into what's most important are all ingredients to good character and a good growth rhythm. Our kids find 80% of their personality in their interactions with us, only 15% with their peers, and just 5% on their own. How we are with our kids will define how they will be with others. Are you up to the task?

What kind of home school teacher are you? It's tough bouncing back and forth between being parent and teacher to our child.How do you navigate that? It is critical in this context to embrace the 4th R of schooling. The original 3Rs are reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic. Most important, however, and the best context within which to teach the first 3Rs is the 4th R, relationship. Of course, as the parent, you are constantly aware of building your relationship with your child. As home schooling parent, you want to come from a position of earned authority for your new role. By understanding your child's school needs, wants, and feelings, you can better craft a learning experience for him. Therein lie multiple academic and life-based teachable moments.

When helping your child with schooling, balance your approach. As you can work with each other with mutual respect, the task becomes easier and quicker for each of you. Use your active listening to settle your child into task. Brainstorm options for task completion. Plan ahead and use a daily planner dry erase board so that your child knows what to expect each moment of each school day. Give clear, specific, and time sensitive for better cooperation. The more creative and unique you can make the tasks, and the more involved you can get your child in the process, the better the outcome.

You wouldn't start a DIY project at home without the proper tools, would you? Of course not. Some parents, however, just let their kids do homework and home school willy nilly, whatever. There's a saying that applies here: For anything worth doing, you get out of it what you put into it. To help equip your child for academic success, give him the proper tools to get the job done. To create the habit of homework and home schooling, equip your child with structure and routine. Application of these tools consistently leads to their ultimate tool, muscle memory. Muscle memory enables your child to get it done without hassle, distraction, or excuses. It leads to greater efficiency on task and greater retention come test time. Structure, routine, and muscle memory are tools for academic success

Quick changes in activity level tend to throw a child off kilter. While this might save time, such quick changes actually extend the fussing and delaying before getting into the rhythm of the activity. Double for homework and home schoolers. To make the most of difficult situations, active listen your child's foot dragging and frustration about doing schoolwork at home. Make sure ahead of time that the time alotted for study is consistent and dedicated. Add a 5-10 minute transition time both to address stall tactics and excuses, and also to help your kids gear up for the task of schoolwork. Finish school time with another transition of 15-30 minutes where you can heap praise and positive reinforcement on them. Transition sets the tone for home schooling.

Having to deal with all of this pandemic stuff and we also have to help our kids stay on top of their schoolwork? Really?? Yep, that's a sign of our times. How you get started with this task will set the tone for how it's achieved. Use your active listening to hear your child's upset and frustration. When you see the emotional fever subside, start problem-solving. Plan ahead and stick to your plan. Set parameters. Alternate fun with work. Be with him in the moment. You've got this. You can get through it together.

So, you don't have enough to do? Now, with stay-at-home orders, you have to collar your kids to do their on-line schoolwork as well? Can we get back to normal yet? If you have these questions, you are not alone. I've compiled a list of my top ten tips for parents helping kids with schoolwork, whether its just homework, online, or full out home schooling. Keep these things in mind as you make the best out of difficult circumstances, while also building a positive relationship with your forever child.

Whew! We are all under the gun. This COVID-19 pandemic has each one of us scrambling to stay safe and trying to do our part. Stress management strategies are at a premium in these tentative times. As parents, we all need to model effective stress management and promote resilience with our kids. Included in this podcast are four suggestions for dealing with our current crisis. Also, remember, find the blessing in the tough times. What a great time to really meaningfully connect with your kids. How are you gonna do that?

Many of us, sadly, tend to live beyond our means. That's a problem for two reasons. First, it's an easy way to find trouble. Second, it's a poor role model for your children. If you start keeping a budget early in your marriage, then when kids come along, it's easier to keep the budget going. Kids learn to manage their money as well. To avoid living beyond your means, budget your needs first. Then, and only then, factor in your wants with the money left over. If you are living hand to mouth, practice saving, scrimping, and planning ahead. Where you come up short and wants are out the window, use a family meeting to let the kids know the circumstances, active listen their frustrations to lower their emotional fever, and then brainstorm options for living within your means.

News flash!! You don't have to do this parenting thing alone. Even if you are not lucky enough to have a village, even if you are a single parent, the buck may stop with you, but there are lots of options along the way. As you are able to expand your parenting resources, both you get relief and are able to manage your stress better, and also your children learn new things and experience new relationships. Of my top 10 tips for parenting success, tip number 10 is this: Draw on and draw in other resources in your children's lives.

You know what? Stuff happens. It happens to you, to me, to your children. It's not the stuff, but rather, what we do with the stuff after it happens that matters. As parents, we are constantly teaching our kids about how to be good people. Most all of those lessons come from helping them turn failures into blessings in disguise. Many parents kneejerk their reaction to their child's pratfalls. Instead, I encourage you to take a breath, comfort, active listen, and then help her problem-solve to turn that failure into a blessing in disguise.

With the current stress of pandemic on all of our lives, and possibility for discouragement as our routines are disrupted, I'm breaking into my top 10 parenting tips to help out. Our new normal, shelter-in-place, can lead to parents and children going bonkers! Or we can adapt, do our part to stop the spread of this killer virus, and make the most out of difficult times. In this podcast, I give you 4 suggestions for keeping stress and discouragement at bay, while also finding quality time with your family. What a great opportunity for emotional intimacy and teachable moments!

That old parenting adage is true. What you pay attention to grows. If you focus only on the bad behavior, it will grow. If you reinforce the good behavior, it will grow. When helping your child get over the rough spots, use their strengths to help them overcome their weaknesses. Use your active listening to understand their feelings. Join with them where you can. Supervise their efforts. Some how make the tough stuff fun. Who knows, you might find a teachable moment in there somewhere.

Wouldn't it be great if we, as parents, could raise our children by ourselves, in a vacuum devoid of school and social influences on their lives? Yeah, well...uh, no. Our children's lives are so much more enhanced by their interactions and learning experiences with others. We are, however, tasked to give them a firm foundation, both in personality and in life. This gives them opportunity to navigate school and life more successfully. We also need to be aware of the school and social influences they encounter in their lives beyond our family. How can we help them make good choices if we don't at least know the broad strokes of their lives. The trick is to be informed without appearing intrusive. This is where active listening and receiving permission to jointly problem solve helps.

Parenting tip #6 for parenting success is this: Be aware of developmental stage influence. Parenting is tough enough without taking in all the extraneous variables. One of those variables is developmental stage influence. Throughout our lives, we are in one developmental stage or another. Sometimes, these stages collide with each other if the family. For healthy, positive parenting, know both what developmental stage influences there are in play both for your child and for yourself.

As parents, our lifelong task is to help our children build character. Through good times and bad, how can we do that? Three functions contribute to this outcome. First use active listening to help convey that you understand what your child is going through. Second, consistently use the Good Kid Chart to give him target behaviors to work on and reward and consequence based on his efforts. Finally, use Restrictions That Work, a process of showing your Judgment, Compassion, and Grace based on how well he gets the impact of his actions on self and other. With your efforts to help him build good character, he will become a responsible, respected, empathetic, and compassionate adult.

Kids tend to gravitate toward immediate need gratification. If it isn't "now," what's the point? While we all want need gratification, and the sooner the better, there is a place for advanced preparation in tackling life's challenges. As parents, we can help our children choose process over outcome in their decision-making. While at times, focusing on the process feels like swimming upstream and is a hard sell for kids, the result is stronger character, better decision-making, and learning how to develop a means to a desirable end.

While many families mistakenly believe that parental respect is a right and deserved regardless, such beliefs put that family at risk. Parental respect is earned by our words and actions. Many parents use fear to command respect from their children. However, we can use active listening, healthy boundaries, and direction to earn the respect of our children. When we fear and power to demand respect, the relationship is lost and kids are just going through the motions to survive a difficult situation. When we focus on relationship, not power, a mutual respect grows and thrives.

Normal daily transitions for all of us include asleep/awake, to/from work or school, coming home, day/night activities, and awake/asleep. These and other unusual or specific transitions all can give us pause, if not trouble. In particular, children are susceptible to disruption around transition activities, unless you plan and prepare for the transitions ahead of time. Usually, a 5-10 minute transition time is sufficient to help smoothen it out.

Start where your child is. That's tip number 1 of my top 10. Your child's words and actions will give you a hint as to where he is emotionally at the time. As best you can, let him be and give him time. Make observations and offer to be his sounding board. Active listen when you get his permission, but don't try to change him. Help him figure it out for himself. Help him understand the impact of his words and actions on himself and on others. Help him be mindful. Being present where he is forms the foundation of a healthy parenting relationship.

I know you really want to do your best at this parenting thing. With all the distractions, confusion, and mixed messages, successful parenting can be hard. As a quick reference, and to make it a bit easier, consider my top ten helpful hints for successful parenting. These helpful hints will both help you put your concerns in context and also lead you to a strong, relational bond with your children.

None of us has ever been a parent before we had our first child. Parenting is often doing the best you can in sometimes difficult, trying times. While you do have to set limits, give direction, and follow through on consequences, it also helps to "catch them being good." What does that mean? Well, it's a kindness thing. Kindness comes in three forms: focus on being positive, practice praise, and demonstrate acts of kindness, especially when least expected. Not only are you parenting with kindness, you are also modeling for your children how to be kind to others. That teachable moment is quite a gift.

First newborn baby? Can we say equal parts of joy, love, and terror? How do we do this parenting thing. Most new parents determine to parent just like their parents or, (where there were bad experiences), just opposite of their parents. In any case, it's a new experience for you. So, be physically present. Cuddle lots, coo, tickle, play peek-a-boo. Also, be aware of how your new baby talks to you. Babies have different cries, you know. There's the I'm poopy cry, the I'm hungry cry, the I want your attention cry, and, of course, the I'm just messing with you cry. Learn to interpret their cries, and expand their world with new things and with new curiosities. You baby will truly be a bundle of joy.