Being there for your kids

Did you know that stress can be both good and bad? When something good happens, it can be just as stressful as when something bad happens. Allow for either kind of stress, especially when in transition. Transitional times, in and of themselves, are stressful for your kids. When you ask them to change their focus, give them a ten minute heads-up to adjust for the stress of change. Stress is a part of our lives, but they, too, can fuel teachable moments.

You know what? Stuff happens. The question is, what do you do with that stuff? When something bad happens, turn it into something good. The tool for that magic is cognitive reframe. When things aren't working well for your child, that's indication that he has an emotional fever. What to do to help? Use your active listening. When their fever is down, they will be better able to tackle their problem. Offer help if you can, but only with their permission and after their emotional fever subsides. That's when they will be able to listen well. When they succeed in overcoming their problem, heap praises on them for sticking to it and getting through it. Use cognitive reframing to provide them with a teachable moment. See what you can do when you stick your mind to it?

No parent likes to confront their child. No child likes to be confronted. And yet, in healthy relationships, confrontation needs to happen. It's when your child needs correction, admonition, and a reminder to share the load. Effective confronting happens with love and respect. Yelling will get you compliance, but not love and respect. Avoiding confrontation begs the question, "Who's in Charge?" When you confront, prepare for blowback. Use active listening to lower your child's fuss level and then return to the confrontation. Be sure to praise your child when she follows through with your direction. Effective confrontation can nurture love and respect, while also providing a teachable moment.

I can't think of any child who dives into chores gleefully. Yet, we all have to do things that we don't want to do. For children, that's magnified because, by definition, children will always test the limits. Using communication strategies identified in my book, Teachable Moments: Building Blocks of Christian Parenting, you can help your child turn those onerous have-to's into want-to's.

Many parents outright bribe their kids to "be good." Kids will take the bribe but not necessarily follow through with being good. They are not invested in the process. Effective behavior management tools include using The Good Kid Chart. Here, your child invests in the process, as you define what they are working on and they give you reasonable requests for daily and weekly reward for their efforts. It's a win-win system that both provides your child with a teachable moment and also helps them grow "in the ways of the Lord." You maintain parental authority. They engage in positive character development.

Just as our children reach certain developmental stages as they grow older, so too do us parents, depending on your child's stage of development. When they are totally helpless, we do for them, Hands-On Parenting. When we are helping them learn boundaries and relationships, we enter the Directive Stage of parenting. After they have developed the capacity for abstract thinking, but don't quite "know it all," we offer Advice-Based Parenting. Finally, as they reach adulthood and are in charge of their own lives, we offer Consultative Parenting. It's critical that your stage matches the developmental stage of your child. Yes, we parents go through stages of parenting if we are to be effective in raising our children.

When your children are upset, address their feelings with active listening to lower their emotional fever. When they are calmer, look for a teachable moment in their concern. Finding teachable moments in everyday time together both increases the emotional intimacy in your family and also helps turn events from surviving to thriving.

Raising your kids is the toughest job for which most parents are not prepared to do. Balancing the endless demands of childhood with the rest of your live is quite a challenge. Learning to delegate to your "village" and finding "me-time" in the mayhem, gives you the balance to take care of yourself and your kids. In Matthew 22:29, Jesus calls the second greatest commandment to "love one another as you love yourself." Taking care of your needs, through delegating and me-time, creates quality parenting for your kids.

Do we want power or relationship with our kids? When you come off as dominant, my way or the highway, you parent by fear, not by relationship. When you are too submissive and buddy buddy, you do so much for your child that they never learn how to do for themselves. As a benevolent despot, you have the earned authority of relationship, without having to use raw power, you direct the family according to everyone's needs and feelings, and you teach your children how to do for themselves.

Family meetings can be a great way to get everyone involved, and invested in, planning things the family does together. It could be the mundane, like dividing up a chore list, or the exciting, like planning a family vacation. As parents use active listening, productive confronting, and a big dose of pride and encouragement, everybody contributes and each comes away with something that works for them.

Children notice not only what we say but also how we say it. Verbal and nonverbal go together. When they need confrontation, challenge the behavior, not the child. When they need active listening and empathy, avoid the common errors of judging, criticizing, and offering solutions. Help your child become responsible for their words and actions and help them find solutions that are workable and that work for them.

It's not a maybe. It's not just bad kids. It's an imperative. All children will test the limits every chance they get. Why? to be sure the limit is in place. When children are in charge, that is, when there are no limits on their behavior, the result is excessive fear and anxiety. Do you want your child calm and collected? Give them limits on their behavior.

When we take a foreign language in school, we can spend years studying it and still not be fluent. That's because we are not immersed in the language and we have to think before we speak. Active listening, for parents, is kind of a foreign language. It's a way to help kids come to terms with their feelings and then joining with them to help them solve their own problems. While solving our kids' problems for them can be a short-term fix, it deprives our children of the process by which they are best able to solve their own problems. When you are hard-wired to problem-solve with your children, take a breath and first active listen their feelings.

When depression is organic or genetic, treatment may require medication. When depression is situational or reactive, you can beat it with these two simple tools.

How often do you get to savor the moment? Most folks talk about how angelic their child looks when he is sleeping. Wouldn’t you also like to savor the moment when he is awake. Mindful parenting puts you in a place to do just that.

Every teen (and actually, all of us) deals with the impact of hormones. The mood changes, attitude, and body changes all take their toll. Instead of thinking of hormones as a bad thing, let’s call them power surges, and consider them as preparation for greater things in life. Helping your teen navigate through these power surges will ease stress and create teachable moments for them.

As parents, our ultimate goal is to launch our teens as independent, responsible, socially-conscious persons into adulthood. This podcast gives you a glimpse into the trials, tribulations, joys, blessings of a launch well done.

We all are born with a sign around our necks. What it becomes over time is a function of how we are treated by those who love us. What’s the sign around your child’s neck?

As a positive reframe, let’s call hormones an “energy surge.” We can’t avoind them, so, what to do with them?

When helping with character development, The Good Kid Chart gets your child excited about making substantive behavioral changes.

Breathing comes naturally, but we don’t think of taking a deeper breath when you want to manage stress. My “Chillin’ Out” resource on my website, www.THEREFORMYKIDS.com takes you through the steps to manage your stress in the moment, clear your mind, and get back to task renewed and refreshed.

When you correct your child with grace, even a mess-up can become a teachable moment that builds the relationship, rather than break it down.

Getting your child to bed can be exhausting. If you establish a workable routine, with boundaries, and stick with it, bedtime can become a calming, teachable moment.

Your children benefit when you are neither too strict nor too lenient, but rather, just right in your parenting. Promoting teachable moments, along with healthy boundaries, active listening, and engaging problem-solving, will make your parenting just right.

Self-care is equally important to other care. When you balance the two, you and your child are ready for teachable moments.

9 points to effective Christian parenting.

Do you give yourself “Me Time” during the day? Dr. Jon Robinson offers suggestions on how to do that.

What is an “Emotional Fever?” Dr. Jon Robinson explains in this episode of Teachable Moments.