Become A Calm Mama

If you’ve experienced mean mom groups, mom drama, cliques, gossip, rumors, and nastiness, you’re not alone (and you’re not imagining it). Today’s episode is an honest conversation with my friend Danielle about these topics, as well as some loving, kind ways that we can support each other as moms. You’ll Learn:Similarities between matrescence, motherhood, and adolescenceHow insecurity shows up as “mean mom” behaviorWhy I didn’t feel like I fit in with other momsA personal story about mom drama and feeling left outHow to bring more kindness to other momsWe're all trying to figure it out. The more kindness we have for ourselves, the more compassion we can have for others.-------------------------------Danielle and I raised our kids alongside each other. We were in the same elementary school and community, but we also had different friend groups and different experiences. She is one of my favorite people to talk to about motherhood, so I’m so excited she’s here. Experiences of MatrescenceEvery woman in motherhood is going through some stage of matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. During this transformational time, we tend to experience a lot of the same insecurity, confusion, and overwhelm that we felt in adolescence. Maybe you’ve felt insecure or confused. Or thought:I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who my people are. I don't know where I fit. I don't know if I belong.These are all super common during matrescence. Plus, once you think you’ve started to figure things out, everything changes as your child moves through stages of infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary, high school, and beyond. Mom DramaWhen you’re going through matrescence, you’re also likely surrounded by other women who are also going through this transition. When you put a group of moms together, those insecurities can show up as immaturity and drama. And just as teen girls stir up drama because they’re insecure and not sure when they fit in, moms act out their insecurities in a similar way. Particularly when their kids are around early elementary age. When your kids are in preschool, it’s like you’re at war together. You’re sharing stories and struggles, comparing behaviors, and just trying to figure out how to get through it. It’s a very physical time in parenting. You’re picking them up, putting them down, dealing with sleep issues and potty training. It’s a daily battle, and you’re exhausted. Once your kid is out of diapers and strollers and is off to school, there’s a shift from physical parenting to emotional parenting. You start to look around and wonder, “Am I doing this right?” This is the stage when we tend to see “mean mom” behaviors that are driven by insecurity, fear, and the desire to fit in. BelongingThe preschool years are short. You may connect with other moms mainly in the drop-off or pickup line, and you know that in a year or two, kids will be heading in different directions and to different schools. During the elementary years, you might start looking for longtime friends, knowing that your kids will be in school together for the next 6 or 8 or 12 years. Now, you’re looking at other moms and asking yourself, “Are these the people we want to spend time with?” “What group am I going to be in?” You want to make sure that you and your kids are in with the “right” families and groups. What often happens then is that the insecurity of wanting to set our kids up for success and make sure we’re in the right group lends itself to observing, judging, and criticizing other moms. Then you get into comparison. And then you get into gossip. FearDanielle brought up a fear moms have of a “bad kid” rubbing off on their child. Especially if your kid is slightly divergent or working through emotional regulation issues, people tend to run away. It’s like behavioral issues are contagious. There isn’t a lot of grace extended in those early years. It’s a fear not only of their kid behaving badly but also insecurity around the parent’s ability to handle that behavior. Moms think, “I don’t even know how to parent that, so I’m just gonna avoid it.” JudgmentMany people also have the belief that your kid and their behavior is a reflection of you as a parent. So, when someone sees a child behaving badly, they might jump to the conclusion that the mom is a terrible parent. At this young stage of parenting, everybody is blaming everybody. Everyone's judging everybody. There’s this idea that if there’s misbehavior, something has gone wrong. Or if your child has emotional pain, it’s the parent’s fault. Danielle points out that, “we’ve created a culture where we recognize that kids go through painful experiences. They have a lot of emotions and sometimes they're really big and sometimes they lead to behavior that isn't great. And we've done a great job of creating language around that and acknowledging that that happens to children. But we haven't gotten past the fact that all of that obviously lies at the feet of the parent. Eve

Dr. Angele Close is back to talk with me more about matrescence - the transformation and experience of becoming a mother. Motherhood comes with so many changes, identity shifts, frustrations, overwhelm, delight (I could go on all day). You’ll Learn:What matrescence isHow the transformation of motherhood looks different at different stages of lifeCommon experiences and struggles of matrescencePractical strategies for processing the changes you’re going throughWhy it’s so hard for moms to give validation to themselves.It’s a big deal to become a parent! We are forever changed by the experience. Today, we’re diving deeper into what it means to go through this process, how it changes us, how it's like adolescence, and the beautiful gifts that come with becoming a mom. ------------------------------------As you may remember from our previous conversations, Dr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher who draws on the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of healing and transformation to support maternal mental health and well-being. She helps mothers navigate the identity shifts of matrescence, releasing perfectionism and shame so they can embrace motherhood with greater self-compassion, confidence, and joy. Dr. Angele is also a mother of 3 teens and the author of Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom.Transformational StagesWe all go through certain periods of transformation in our lives. Two of the biggest are adolescence and matrescence, and Dr. Angele shared some comparisons between them. She says that each of these is a transformational journey that every woman who becomes a mother will experience. Just as your body, identity, and friendships change during adolescence, your mindset, identity, career, and relationships also change over the course of motherhood. And while we all go through this transformation, every person’s experience is unique. Matrescence begins in the moment that you start thinking, “I think I want to be a mother” (or, “Oh shit, I’m going to be a mother!”). And it lasts as long as you are a mother.Because this covers such a wide range of time and experiences, it can also help to pinpoint where you are within matrescence:Emerging motherhood Early motherhoodLate motherhoodPost-motherhood (this is where I am right now)Depending on your stage of matrescence, there are some common patterns and experiences that Dr. Angele has seen come up for moms. Fantasy v. RealityThis is a big one in early motherhood. Chances are, you had a vision in your mind of what it would be like to be a mom. Maybe it was carried with you from childhood, when you pretended to be a mom to your dolls. Personally, I had a vision of strolling down Venice Beach in a cute outfit with my nails done and perfect hair. I had no idea what it was actually going to be like. The lived reality of motherhood is usually a bit different from the visions in our heads. Suddenly, you’re dealing with sleep schedules, feeding schedules, figuring out how to manage your time and energy in a whole new way. There’s a heavy mental load, lots of new demands, and you’re mentally and physically exhausted. The next thing you know, you haven't showered in days, you forgot to brush your teeth, haven't put a bra on, and can't figure out how to get you and your kid(s) out the door.It can be a little bit of a rude awakening compared to that vision of walking along the beach looking beautiful with the wind blowing in your hair! You probably realize that there are parts of momming that you don’t like. And then you feel like a bad mom. When you’re early on in matrescence (the first 4-5 years), it’s kinda like early adolescence. It feels awful, you don’t know who you are, and you’re confused about what you’re supposed to be doing, what matters, and what doesn’t. That confusion of identity leads us to…The Inner SplitMatrescence isn’t just about schedules and the demands of motherhood. It is a full transformation of identity. Matrescence can be really uncomfortable and isolating. You might feel torn between who you were as a woman and who you are becoming as a mom. Between what you want and the limitations that you’re facing. Dr. Angele explains that most moms make their child a priority, which is natural because babies are so dependent on us for survival. But as time goes on and our inner needs and ambitions are constantly sacrificed, that stuff starts to bubble up and seep out. You might start to test the waters by mentioning the way you’re feeling to family or friends. And too often, it’s invalidated or responded to negatively. When you’re afraid of not being seen as a “good” mom, you’re less likely to be honest about what you’re going through. And social media doesn’t help. Those curated feeds give you the idea that you’re supposed to look or act a certain way. So you think, “Oh, I guess I’m just not doing this whole motherhood thing right.” Then the shame and gu

If you’re a fan of the Pause Break, you are going to love the new and improved tool I’m teaching in today’s episode. And if you’re new here, the CALM Break is going to change the way you show up as a parent!You’ll Learn:Why you feel so stressed out as a parentThe 4 steps of the CALM BreakHow (and when) to use a CALM Break to stop yelling and feel less overwhelmedSome of my favorite thoughts for a more positive mindsetThe CALM Break is the new and improved Pause Break. It’s a step-by-step process for what to do when you find yourself overwhelmed, yelling at your kid, or just not showing up as the parent you want to be. Today, I’m breaking down what it is and how you can use it to show up as a calm mama.--------------------------------Why Aren’t You Calm?We all feel overwhelmed and dysregulated at times, especially when it comes to parenting. Understanding what’s going on can help you to be more compassionate with yourself and feel less out of control.Your nervous system has two parts: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The parasympathetic nervous system is the calm part. It's what we think of as “rest and digest”. It's a state of equilibrium and balance. For the most part, you should be living your life in the parasympathetic nervous system. These are the times when things are relatively easy, you know what to be doing, the demands on you are manageable, and you're able to keep up.When things become stressful - there is too much demand on you and you feel overwhelmed - your nervous system says, “Uh-oh, we can’t handle this,” and it decides that you need a bunch more stress hormones (e.g. adrenaline, cortisol, epinephrine) in order to deal with what’s in front of you. This triggers your sympathetic nervous system. That's the fight, flight, freeze, faint, fawn response. Basically, you either become activated or you shut down. At certain times in your life, this stress response can be really helpful and useful. But we’re not supposed to stay in an activated state all the time. The stressors in our lives aren't supposed to outpace our ability to manage those stressors.But kids (even if you only have one) create a lot of extra stress. You're constantly worried and looking out for their safety. You're constantly trying to problem solve. They’re melting down because their nervous system is immature and misfiring all the time. And then you add the everyday life demands of time, money, work, relationship drama, physical fatigue, and it can feel so overwhelming. A lot of the time, you can handle things as they come up. Somebody spills their juice, you clean it up, you move on. Give yourself a little credit here for not being a raging lunatic all the time! But there are also moments when your stress response takes over. Your brain tells you this is an emergency, your stress response activates, and it takes you out of your logical, thinking response. This is when you need to use the CALM Break to get your parasympathetic nervous system back online to manage the stress juice and get you back to a more balanced state. The CALM BreakListen, if you have kids under 10, it’s probably cuckoo pants all the time in your house. Under age 5, forget it. You've got kids climbing and jumping and throwing and spitting and punching and hitting. And you're gonna feel like you're going bananas (and you kind of are). Your nervous system is not ready for those demands. It’s not built to be. CALM is an acronym that helps you remember the steps to follow when you notice that you are overwhelmed, triggered, or dysregulated. CALM stands for:Catch yourselfAlignLabelMove Step 1: Catch Yourself & PauseThis step is about building awareness of how you’re feeling and when you are dysregulated. You can also think of the “C” as checking in with yourself. This can be as simple as noticing and saying to yourself, “Oh, I’m very overwhelmed right now.” When you interrupt your stress response, you are retraining your nervous system to respond differently to those circumstances. Step 2: AlignAlign refers to getting your nervous system back online with your values and your goals of becoming a calm parent. First, delay. Don’t do any parenting in this moment while you’re activated.Communicate to your kids that you're not in alignment. Say something like, “You know what? I'm getting upset right now. I love you, and I don’t want to yell at you. I'm going to take a CALM break.” Or, “I'm sorry, this is not how I want to act. I will talk to you about this in a few minutes after a take a break.”When you tell your children what is happening in real time, they will feel less afraid. They will feel less activated. Plus, as you start to get calm, they might start to calm down, too. Step 3: Label Your Thoughts & FeelingsNarrate for yourself what you're thinking and what's going on and name those feelings. I want you to do this with kindness and self-compassion. There’s no need for negative self-talk or criticism. Being hard on yourself will only activate mo

I’m back with brand new episodes and a new name for my signature parenting framework!You’ll Learn:Why I changed the name of my signature parenting processThe 4 steps of The Connected Parenting ProcessHow my book is coming along!What to expect in upcoming episodesI want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. Introducing The Connected Parenting Process.----------------------------------------I’m back from a 10-week hiatus of recording new episodes. The reason for that break is that I’ve been busy writing a book! It’s all about raising an emotionally healthy kid using connected parenting. More to come on that later, of course.Through the writing process, I realized some things about how I’ve been teaching about parenting and how I want to talk about it moving forward. For the last several years, my signature process has been called The Calm Mama Process. But now, I see that this title isn’t really fair to moms. It makes it seem like the mom is the person who's supposed to be calm and do all the connected parenting. I realized that in some ways, by titling my parenting philosophy “The Calm Mama Process”, I was putting pressure on moms to be the person who's responsible for parenting, and I was alienating dads in the process. I do not want to perpetuate these gender-typical roles and continue putting the emotional and mental labor of parenting solely on women. Frankly, I’m over anything that puts more pressure on moms. I’m done with it.I want this process to be accessible to EVERY parent - moms, dads, bonus moms, stepdads, even grandparents. I want to talk about parenting in a more holistic way. So, I decided to rename my framework The Connected Parenting Process.The Connected Parenting ProcessIf you’ve been with me for a while, this will sound pretty familiar. My process, whatever the name, has always been made up of these 4 parts: calm, connect, limit set, correct. When you practice those 4 pillars, you raise an emotionally healthy kid and you are a connected parent. Let’s walk through them together.CALMCalm is all about the parent and your connection to yourself. The tools, strategies, and concepts under this pillar support your emotional health and your ability to self-regulate. By learning to process your negative emotion, coach yourself through big feelings, and manage your mindset around your kid’s behavior, you will be calm.This is so important (and the first step) because the rest of the parenting pillars are really hard to access if you are not calm and regulated.CONNECTConnect is about connecting your child to themselves. You're teaching your child the connection between what's going on inside of them and how they're acting on the outside. You give them tools to connect how they're behaving to how they're feeling and then coach them to self-regulate.This is one of the main differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting. Traditional parenting is focused only on behavior modification. It doesn’t matter how the parent is acting or if it’s aggressive. It doesn’t matter what is driving that behavior in the child. The focus is solely on behavior and consequences.In connected parenting, we focus on the feelings that are underneath the behavior and on helping our kids learn to cope with their emotions (which means that they don’t need to act out).LIMIT SETLimits connect your child to the boundaries that work within your family. As a connected parent, you will set, communicate, and hold limits. Beyond your family, you’re using boundaries to connect your child to the world - helping them understand how the world works and giving them clear guidance and parameters on which behaviors are okay.This isn't a feelings-only or a behavior-only model. It’s a combination. You can have compassion for your kid and also not give in just because they’re having a big feeling (no way!). Helping them regulate that emotion and having a firm limit helps them to become resilient.CORRECTCorrect is where you show your child the connection between their behavior and the impact of their behavior. If they fail, they have to fix it. If they make a mistake, they have to repair that mistake. We're connecting behavior to consequences.In this model, consequences are not just meant to modify behavior. We’re helping them to see, in a logical, neutral way, that certain behaviors cause problems. Misbehavior might cause a time problem, an energy problem, or a money problem. You want your kid to start to connect the dots between their behavior and the impact their behavior has on others. And then do what they can to make it right.When you have those 4 pillars it means you are raising an emotionally healthy kid who turns into an emotionally healthy adult.If you are hitting those pillars pretty regularly in your parenting, you can kind of relax. That is what I really want for you. You don’t have to keep feeling lik

It happens to us all - You yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. You’ll Learn:Why saying “I’m sorry” is so important (and why it’s only one piece of repair)4-step formula for a repair conversation (with examples)What you need to do before you have this conversation with your kidHow to repair after a longer period of time when you weren’t showing up as the parent you want to beWhen you create a rupture in your relationship with your child, you first have to forgive yourself. Then, it’s time to apologize and reconnect with your kid.---------------------------------------You know what this looks like…Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner.Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no.Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. It’s normal to lose it with your kid. It's part of being in a relationship with anybody. There are times when we get upset and create a disconnection, or rupture, with the other person. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. What It Feels Like For Your KidChildren are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself). When To RepairHere are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:Seem deflatedWithdraw from youLook confused by your face or your behaviorCryRun awayGet more aggressiveWhen you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect.How To Apologize and Reconnect with Your KidRepair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right. You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.”But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them. Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake. When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner. Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out.Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly ready to take responsibility for your behavior without blaming, criticizing, or trying to assuage

When you lose your temper with your kid, it doesn’t feel great. But it IS totally normal.Perfection is not possible, in parenting especially. All parents lose their temper and speak or act harshly towards their kids from time to time.You’ll Learn:Unhealthy ways parents often handle a rupture10 benefits of repair conversations for kidsHow to lead a repair conversation with your child (and what to expect when you do)In this episode, I’m sharing what’s really going on when you lose your temper and what to do after the dust settles.-----------------------------------When You Lose Your TemperFirst, let’s get clear on one thing.No one can make you angry. Not even your kid.Anger is an emotion that comes from your thoughts about a situation or behavior.And getting angry isn’t actually the problem.What really matters is how you handle the moments when anger takes over and you lose your temper.These moments are sometimes called “ruptures”, because they interrupt the connection between parent and child.When you speak or act harshly towards your child, you create a negative impact and disconnection in your relationship.Have A Repair ConversationWhen you do lose your temper, it’s time to take responsibility for your actions and repair the rupture (in the same way we would guide our kids to take responsibility for the impacts of their behavior)."Repair" is the conversation you have with your child in order to mend the disconnection between you.These conversations teach your kids how to resolve conflict, empower them to make mistakes and repair them and create more emotional safety and connection in your home.A repair conversation has three parts:Acknowledge what happenedRecognize the impact your behavior had on themRepair your mistakeAnd in between, you hold plenty of space for your child to process and respond.I’ll walk you through these three parts in more detail and show you how to have a repair conversation with your kids that actually restores connection and strengthens your relationships.There is no "right" outcome for these conversations. They can be awkward and don't always go smoothly. But, I promise, the benefits outweigh the discomfort.Listen in to learn how so that you’ll be ready the next time you lose your cool.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Ever feel like you are a mean mom? The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing. A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean.You’ll Learn:How to tell the difference between firmness and meanness as a momWhat to do when you’ve been mean toward your kidWhy building firm, strong leadership in your family is so importantGet clear on the difference between being firm and mean and what to do when you’ve actually been mean with your child.-------------------------------------The Difference Between Being Mean & FirmI want you to know…Using a firm voice isn’t mean.Keeping people safe isn’t mean.Having limits isn’t mean.Enforcing your boundaries isn’t mean.Following through on consequences isn’t mean.Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away.Being mean with your mouth is when you personalize your kid’s behavior or mistakes and say something about them as a person.There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage.Lectures are often mean.Insults are mean.Name calling is mean.Physical aggression is mean.Threats are mean.Sometimes rescuing your kid from a mistake is mean.What To Do When You’ve Been a Mean MomAs you hear me share examples in this episode, you might be flooded with shame and guilt.The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it.The best thing you can do is find your firm, strong, leadership voice as a mom. Get clear on what is and what is not allowed in your family. Be firm, without being harsh.I’ll leave you with this quote from one of my clients who said “Firm limits are the shortcut to the behavior you want without making your kid feel like shit in the process”. Yep. Firm, but not mean. You’ve got this.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

One thing moms struggle with is feeling bad about their progress in becoming calm and showing up calm with their kids. We all know we aren’t at our best when we’re stressed, overwhelmed and reactive. But knowing how to calm down in the moment isn’t always as easy as it sounds.You’ll Learn:Why you become reactive and yell, threaten or ice your kid outThree steps to pause and get back to calmClues you need a Pause BreakWhat to do after you’ve reacted in a way you don’t loveI’m walking you through my 3-step process to catch yourself, pause and get back to feeling calm.---------------------------------------Why Do I Still Get So Mad?All moms experience really tough parenting moments. Moments when you’ve been stuck in what I call Mad Mom SyndromeYou know what I'm talking about. Moments when your child is a bit off track and you get upset and all of a sudden you are yelling, threatening, and lecturing, followed by guilt and rushed apologies.Moments you are worried that the behavior you see in the present is a predictor of the future, so you act super strict and controlling.Moments when you are frustrated and say a snide or mean remark to your kid.Then, when you have a mad mom episode and act in a way you don’t think you should, a lot of criticism, guilt, and doubt pours in. You feel bad that you aren’t calm or think you should be getting there faster. But here’s the thing…Becoming calm is a PROCESS. It’s a PRACTICE. It’s something you work on over time. Some days it’s easy, and some days it isn’t. All of that is ok.These types of moments are a clue that you are in your stress cycle and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Your brain is convinced that the circumstance is an emergency. Then, the brain activates a BIG, INTENSE STRESS RESPONSE.You become super reactive and respond to your children with stress, anxiety, frustration or anger. Then they escalate their stress behaviors and the next thing you know you are in a chaotic argument with your kids. The 3 Stages of Becoming CalmBecoming Calm is a process. It takes time. Be gentle with yourself. When you feel yourself spiraling, CATCH YOURSELF AND PAUSE. This is simple but not easy, and it comes in stages.Stage 1 - The AFTER. When you’re first starting out, you may only catch yourself after you've yelled or gotten upset. Stage 2 - The DURING. After a while, you’ll catch yourself while you are yelling or acting upset. Stage 3 - The BEFORE. Eventually you start to catch yourself before you yell or act out your frustration/overwhelm. This is the goal that you’re working towards. No matter what stage you’re in, to get out of Mad Mom Syndrome and get back to feeling calm, you need the Pause Break. There are also 3 steps to the Pause Break:Step 1: STOPDon't Talk. Don't Engage. You can stop yourself at any point when you notice you are in your stress response and are seeing signs of Mad Mom Syndrome.Step 2: DELAYDon’t decide. Don’t act. Don't do anything about the situation (unless it’s a true emergency). Give yourself time to think and get calm.Step 3: RESETActively do something to calm your stress response. During a "Reset", you will move your body, your mind or both. Pause is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this episode, I hope it’s this: You can always PAUSE.This process is what it ACTUALLY looks like when you are changing your brain and the way you show up as a parent. Be gentle with yourself, Mama. You’ve got this! Mentioned in this Episode:Episode 2: Getting to Calm with The Pause BreakFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

In this episode I’m sharing with you my definition of CALM and giving you my go-to strategy for getting to calm using a tool I call The Pause Break. You’ll Learn:Why Mad Mom Syndrome happensWhy your kid’s behavior triggers such strong feelingsHow your stress response influences your actionsThe 3 simple steps of The Pause Break that you can do anytime, anywhereThe Pause Break allows you to access calm, even in the middle of a moment when you feel overwhelmed or angry.----------------------------------------Before we get to that, let’s talk about what the absence of calm looks like. I know you’ve been there, and so have I. Get Calm with the Pause BreakShowing up when you aren’t feeling calm looks a little different for everyone, but you might find yourself:yellingsaying mean thingsmaking threatsrescuingbribingbeing rough with your kid's bodygiving in to your kid's demandsfeeling exhaustedlecturingtalking a lotshutting downnot following through on consequencesnot taking care of yourselfsleeping poorlygrumpiness that you can't shakeescalating things when your kid gets upsetshutting your kid down…generally acting in ways you don’t love.When you have a mad mom episode, it’s easy to beat yourself up and tell yourself things like I’m a bad mom or I’m messing up my kids. Which makes you feel guilty, embarrassed, ashamed, frustrated and confused. The more negative thoughts you have, the more defeated, discouraged, and guilty you will feel. And when you feel bad, it’s hard to change your behavior. So you end up yelling again.I call this Mad Mom Syndrome, and it is a vicious cycle of negative thoughts leading to negative feelings leading to negative actions and then back again. So how do you break that cycle?That’s what we’re diving into for these 30 minutes. The Pause Break is the single most important tool I teach. It is where all of your personal growth happens. It’s the space where change occurs. If you only take one thing away from this podcast episode, I hope it’s this: You can always take a PAUSE BREAK. It’s the first, and most important, step towards CALM.Listen to the full episode now for all the details.Related Episodes:Episode 8: Pause & Reset Your BodyEpisode 9: Pause & Reset Your EmotionsEpisode 10: Pause & Reset Your MindFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn:Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tipsRate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.You’ll Learn:How trauma in your childhood can impact your parentingMy story of childhood trauma and healingHow learning the language of feelings is like talking about waterWhy healing your trauma and taking good care of your nervous system is so important for your kidsHow to start your own healing journeyPlease note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself. ---------------------------------------My best friend, Tiffany Howsam, is here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey.  How Trauma Informed My ParentingWhen my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.  How I’m Healing From Childhood TraumaThere are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool). When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action. Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you.  How You Can Heal From TraumaOur bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off. But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have comp

In order to feel less stressed (and stop yelling), you've got to learn to understand and care for your nervous system. You’ll Learn:The two parts of your nervous system and how they work togetherWhy managing your stress is so importantSignals that you’re in a stress responseSome of my favorite mini stress resets (and where you can get a list of them for free)I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly.-------------------------------------------Your Nervous System ExplainedThere are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve. The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased. Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body. If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger. When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger. It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own. When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting.  Chronic StressYour stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them.This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm.This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated. As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between.Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress. The way to do this is to intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system in times of calm. This helps strengthen the response so it’s easier for you to access when you do get stressed.  Strengthening the Parasympathetic Nervous SystemRegulating your nervous system is like digestion - stress juice comes up and it’s got to get out somehow. The best way to do this is to preset or reset your nervous system most days through rhythm, relationship or reward. In general, I think the best thing is taking 20 minutes of movement a day. If you don’t have a 20-minute chunk of time, the goal is still to focus on soothing yourself, but those 20 minutes can be spread throughout your day. Some of my favorite stress reset exercises take less than a minute to do, but it’s enough to let your nervous system see that you’re safe and okay. Some examples of resets during your day include:Taking a walk before dinnerDoing a YouTube yoga classCalling a friend to chatLighting a candleHugging a pillow while taking some deep breaths, noticing the sensations in your body and observing what is around youThink back to a moment in the past when you felt safe and connectedListen to some music or a podcast you love while your kids are watching a showI also encourage you to reframe the time you sp

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting. You’ll Learn:How stress shows up and why we feel activated even if we’re not actually in dangerWhat the parenting stress cycle is and how to know if you’re in one3 ways to get out of the stress cycleBut it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. Let’s break the cycle.------------------------------------Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN.You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system.Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY!Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you.2 key parts of the stress cycleNotice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after. The stressor.The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc.The stress response.This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response. And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe. But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking.The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset.Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge.Parenting stress cyclesThink about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself.So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated.Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy. These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from others. The type of threat might be different, but your stress response works the same way. The cycle usually looks something like this:Behavior → Reaction → Guilt → Nothing Changes → Same Behavior → Reaction → Guilt3 ways to get out of the parenting stress cycleThere are a couple of places where we can interrupt the parenting stress cycle.#1: Decrease the stressorsOne of the best ways to create less misbehavior (and therefore fewer stressors) is to teach your kids better ways to deal with their feelings. To give them the tools to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about those feelings and what to do with their feelings in ways that don’t cause problems.Creating routines and setting better limits also decrease stressors by removing some of the friction around regular, everyday things.#2: Deal with your stress juiceThe more frequently you reset your stress juice, the less it builds up over time. This is where the Pause Break and Calm Mama Break come in. Think of it as stress hygiene.#3: Reframing behaviorOften we add meaning to a behavior, and this creates even more stress. We regret not doing things differently, feel fear around what the behavior means for our kid’s future or look for someone to blame. If you can think about the behavior differently, you will feel less stressed about it.This week, I want you to practice noticing when y

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. In this episode,you’ll learn:How to view your kid’s big feelings as an opportunity instead of a threatThe question to ask yourself as you move your child through their dayHow to validate feelings in the midst of out-of-bounds behavior5 ways to help your kid manage their big feelings What I hope you take away from this episode is it's actually good for kids to feel upset and have you be okay with their feelings. You do not need to fix your kid’s feelings. You only need to acknowledge them.----------------------------------------"Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it" is an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation. Your Kid’s Big FeelingsThe most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too.The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion. What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” Looks LikeHere are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion. Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it.  Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings.  Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.”Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them.  Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective.  Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling.  Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault. Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it.  Shutting them down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings. This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person.What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid. I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself. We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach. What to Do with Big FeelingsHere are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at

Today I’m talking about misbehavior and the #1 reason it is so hard for parents. Misbehavior creates a lot of conflict in families. It’s one of the main reasons parents yell.You’ll Learn:Why misbehavior often feels like an emergency (even though it’s usually not)How to recognize your body’s stress response and be aware of your reactionsDifferent ways to think about misbehavior - and prevent your stress response from kicking inSimple steps to use limits and rules to effectively manage behaviorIf you’ve ever thought “If they would just listen and stop acting out, I wouldn’t have to yell!” this episode is for you!-----------------------------------------Maybe your brain has offered you the solution of getting your kids to behave better by having more rules and more limits and more consequences. By being more strict. Many parents think the answer to misbehavior is in having better routines, or being more consistent, or being more firm.The problem with this solution is that it doesn’t address the roots of misbehavior.In this episode, I’m sharing why it’s so triggering and upsetting for you, and some concrete and practical steps to handling misbehavior without resorting to lecturing, avoiding, yelling, threatening or shaming.Surprise! It all starts in your brain.As a parent, your child’s behavior often activates your stress response. Your brain wants to INTERPRET your kid’s behavior as a DANGER to your physical or emotional safety. It will TRICK you into thinking that your kid’s behavior is a threat to you.It will tell you that you need to protect yourself. Get bigger. Get louder. Fight back. Run away. And that can make it hard to remain calm.But when you can understand what’s driving the behavior and view it as an opportunity rather than a problem, you can head off the stress response and feel more calm in the situation.Related Episodes:Episode 62: Parenting Stress Cycles [Part 3] Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Today’s episode is the final installment of a series on setting (and achieving!) your goals. This week, we’re talking about making an action plan - one that you’ll actually follow through on. In this episode, I’m walking you through how to tackle a goal that is challenging for a lot of moms - simplifying weeknight dinners.You’ll Learn:A simple 3-step process to creating a goal plan you can actually stick toReal-life examples of simple first stepsHow to make time for your goal and keep yourself accountableWhat to do when you get stuckIf you missed either of the previous episodes, go back and listen to the first two episodes about defining your goal and solving for obstacles. And be sure to grab the free workbook here.-----------------------------------------I once read that former Secretary of State, Madeline Albright, decided to go back to college when she had three small children. She did all of her schoolwork while in the car waiting for them at pickup. Proof that big goals are achieved through manageable, consistent actions.Throughout this series, I’ve used the example of my own 2026 goal to publish a book to illustrate this goal process. Today, I’m tackling a goal that is a little more relatable for most moms - simplifying weeknight dinners.3 Steps to Defining Your PlanStep 1: Do a brain dumpStart by rewriting your goal, so you’ll keep it top of mind. Then, write down anything you can think of that will help you make progress toward your goal. What are all the things you could do in order to make your goal happen?Brain dumps are the time to get EVERYTHING out on paper. There are no bad ideas in this stage. No editing, just brainstorming.Think about what will keep you accountable, too. When I started my podcast, one of my action items was to share my goal with others. Don’t keep your goal a secret. When other people know what you’re working toward, they can check in and cheer you on. Step 2: Choose your first small stepEmphasis on SMALL. The goal here is to start taking action without getting overwhelmed. Taking the first step will help you build momentum to keep going.When in doubt, start small - small, simple actions, small chunks of time. These are much easier to stick to than big, lofty goals that leave you with a feeling of dread.Step 3: Chunk your goal into phasesThere are a few phases that are common to most goals. They’ll look different depending on what you’re working toward, but the overall concept is the same. In the beginning of a goal, you probably won’t be sure what to do or which approaches will work best for you. There’s a lot to figure out, and your actions will take longer at the beginning. As you continue taking action, you’ll build routines and momentum, until your goal starts to feel easy.Getting started - This is the foundation. Start by looking at what’s already working. What have you already achieved in this area that you can build on?Building momentum - Here, you’re starting to take real action. It still feels challenging, but you can see progress. You are building a pattern and a rhythm.Sustaining - Your actions start to feel like second nature - just something you do. You’re in a routine, and things flow more easily and efficiently.Example: Making Weeknight DinnersThe goal: I want weeknight dinners to feel calm and less chaotic.Step 1: Do a brain dumpFind 5 easy dinner that everyone will eatPlan meals ahead of time (not at 4:30 pm every day)Grocery shop with a planPrep food earlier in the dayUse the slow cook, instant pot or air fryer more oftenOrder takeout lessClean out the freezerGet help from the kidsStep 2: Choose your first small stepThis could be something as simple as choosing three dinners and writing them on a sticky note. Pick meals that you already know how to make and that your family likes.Step 3: Chunk your goal into phasesGetting started - What do you already know how to make that your family likes? Pick a few repeat dinners.Building momentum - This is where you’re planning weeknight dinners ahead of time and grocery shopping with more intention. Maybe you’re doing a bit of food prep, too.Sustaining - Now, you’re in the flow. Maybe you have a meal rotation that you work through or a simple theme for each day of the week (e.g. sandwich night, salad night, pasta night, etc.). Perhaps you’ve created a routine of spending 20 minutes meal planning each Sunday.Making Time for Your GoalThe final part of your action plan is figuring out when, where, and how you are going to do your plan. Get specific! We talked about overcoming time obstacles in episode 205, so go back and review if you need to. Check your capacity. How much time are you going to spend on your goal? You can think about this in terms of how much time you have or how much time you think you need to make the progress you want.Do a time audit. Find the gaps in your day where you can work on your goal. Then, commit to it! Make sure nothing and nobody gets in the way. Put it on your calendar. Make an appointm

Welcome to part 2 of the Goal Setting Series! Last week, I walked you through how to figure out what you want and clearly define your goal. Today, we’re talking about defining and overcoming obstacles on the way to your goal.I’ll share some common obstacles, as well as really tangible strategies to help you overcome them. You’ll Learn:5 common obstacles and how to overcome them3 strategies to build belief in yourself and your goalWhat I wrote to myself back in 2022 when I was struggling with negative thoughts and lack of beliefWhy quitting doesn’t mean you’ll never achieve your goalA fun little rhyme to remember when life happens and you get off-track with your goalObstacles are inevitable whenever you are achieving something big (or even something small). By preparing for setbacks, you’ll be less likely to get discouraged and thrown off course.If you haven’t already grabbed your copy of the free Goals Workbook, click here to get it and follow along. ---------------------------------------------I’m using my 2026 goal of publishing a book as an example throughout this series. This is a goal I’ve wanted to achieve for a long time, and I have PLENTY of evidence of the obstacles that have prevented me from achieving this goal in the past. Common Obstacles to Achieving a GoalThere are 5 obstacles that I’ve seen come up in myself and others over and over again. They are:Belief or mindsetKnowledgeJust plain old quittingTimeLife situationsThe good news is that these are all solvable! You just have to be committed and have some helpful tools and strategies ready to go.Obstacle #1: BeliefYour thoughts about yourself, your goal, and what's possible for you play a major role in whether or not you achieve your goals. We know that thoughts lead to feelings, which lead to action. That means that if you don’t have belief in yourself and your goal, you’re way less likely to take the actions needed to achieve it. Some of the negative thoughts that creep up can be sneaky. Watch out for ones like:This is going to be a failure.I’m not good enough.I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve tried before and failed, so of course I’m gonna fail again.Just because these thoughts pop up, it doesn’t mean they’re true!Strategies to Build BeliefThis first strategy is one of my favorites, and I do it often. I call it an “I love you” letter. Sit down and write yourself an encouraging letter, as if your best friend is talking to you. Or your purest core Self that is full of love for you. (You can hear me read one of my old I love you letters to myself in the full episode). The next strategy goes back to last week’s episode and your “why”. When you reconnect with the true reason you want your goal, it often inspires you to action. Another way to build belief is to create an evidence log. When you think that your goal is impossible, your brain will start looking for evidence that that is true. Instead, practice looking for evidence that what you want IS possible, and write it down. Here are some ways to find that evidence:Look back at your life. When have you proven to yourself that you can do things?What is a goal you set in the past that you achieved?These bits of evidence do not have to be directly related to your goal. You’re just building a body of proof that you can succeed. For example, my goal is to publish a book. Some of my evidence includes times I wanted to (and did) graduate from college, start a podcast, build a profitable business, improve my marriage, and eat healthy. As you add to your log, I know that you’ll end up with plenty of evidence that you are a person who is capable of achieving her goals. You can also use this strategy if you are struggling with impostor syndrome or thoughts like, “I’m not smart enough,” “I’m not good enough,” etc. Focus on positive personality traits like, “I am a person who doesn't quit. Even if I've quit before I've come back to it,” or “I am a person who likes to work hard.“Decide that you are good enough, and look for evidence of that being true.Obstacle #2: KnowledgeThe truth is that, sometimes, you really just don’t know what to do. Or you don’t have the information or skills to make your goal happen (yet). When I started my business, I got trained in a bunch of different parenting philosophies. Then a few years later, I went through life coaching certification. When I wanted to start this podcast, I had to do some research and took an online course.The solution to this one is super practical. When you are lacking knowledge, it means that you have to invest in yourself, education, and resources that you need in order to fill that knowledge gap. Obstacle #3: QuittingQuitting is probably the #1 obstacle to achieving your goals. We’ve all done it. You just stop working on it. You can always overcome quitting by starting again.You can un-quit whenever you want. It’s a decision you can make at any time. It's not that big of a deal to quit and then say, “Oh well, I quit, but now I'm going to go back.” Tel

Are you already thinking about things that you want to achieve or create in 2026? For me, it’s publishing my book (eek!). In that spirit, today kicks off a brand-new 3-part series all about getting what you want, prioritizing yourself and your goals, and making good things happen. We’re starting at the beginning - defining your goals. Because you can’t get what you want if you don’t know what it is!You’ll Learn:3 Strategies for defining your goalHow to stay committed to your goalWhat to do when you don’t even know what you wantSome of the fun dreams my friends and I have for our lives (maybe it will give you some ideas)This episode will show you how to figure out what you want and define it in a specific, real, and accessible way.Click here to get the free goal-setting workbook.---------------------------------------How To Reach Your GoalsThroughout this series, I’m walking you through the 4 main steps I take when I am working toward a goal. This has worked for me to build my business, start a podcast, and achieve many other things in my life. Here are the 4 steps:Define your goalDefine the obstacles and brainstorm solutionsDefine the planDo it!I’ll go into each step in much more detail, but here is what you need to know upfront.In order to take action and achieve your goal, you have to prioritize your goal. You have to commit, to say “yes” to your goal and your action plan over and over again.And in order to prioritize one thing, you will have to deprioritize other things. The truth is that you have a limited amount of time available to you. If you want to give more time to your goal, you’ll have to make some difficult decisions about where your time is going.Now, let’s take the first step and define your goal. Defining Your GoalHere are 3 strategies (and a fun bonus exercise) to help you get clear on your goal. I’ll use my goal of publishing a book as an example as we go through this process. Goal GuidelinesMake it specific. If your goal is too generic (e.g. I want to lose weight), it can be hard to make a clear plan, stay committed, or to even know if you’ve reached the goal.My current goal is to publish my book before the end of 2026. There are two things that make this goal specific for me. One is the timeline. The other is a shift in wording from “writing” a book to “publishing” a book. Why is this important? Because I have had the goal of writing my book many times. I actually have written the book many times in many forms. But I have never actually sent a draft to the publisher (even though I have one ready and waiting). I have been NOT doing this for 3 years now. I have a lot of fears and overwhelm around this goal, so I have continued to put it off and prioritize other things. No more.So get specific.Do you want to make money? How much?Do you want to lose weight? How many pounds do you want to lose? What size clothing do you want to wear?Do you want to build a business? What does that mean? How many clients do you want? How much profit do you want to earn?Do you want to sell things on Etsy? When do you want your shop to be up and running? What will you sell? How many items do you want to sell? And give yourself a timeline. WHEN do you want to have achieved your goal?Make it manageable. Your goal doesn’t have to be something grandiose. In order for you to take action, it has to feel possible. Listen, I want you to have a big vision for your life. I also know that, for me, if the goal is too big, I often can’t quite see the path to get there. When your goal feels manageable and realistic, you’ll be less overwhelmed and more likely to actually take the first (and next) steps. Know Your “Why”This is the reason you want your goal. Reaching a big goal is challenging. It's hard. You have to put in continued effort. And when obstacles come up, you need a reason to keep going.If you don't know why you want something or how it's going to benefit you or what it's going to create in you, you are probably not going to be able to stay committed to it.For me, publishing this book feeds into my bigger purpose of healing the next generation in advance. But your why doesn’t have to be about some big higher calling. Another one of my whys is simply that I’m sick of talking about publishing this book 😂. I’m tired of not having achieved this. It’s time. Maybe you want to do something just because it will make you happy. There is no right answer. It’s about what feels right to you and will keep you committed to your goal.  Use Your ImaginationThink about what it will be like when you achieve your goal. Imagine how it will feel. Maybe it’s peaceful, connected, satisfied, joyful, or content. Try that feeling on and practice it. Act as if it’s already done, you achieved what you set out to do. My vision looks like me sitting at my desk, holding a hard copy of my book in my hand. I look around at the books in my office and

When a kid has experienced trauma, their nervous system often fires in ways that are unpredictable, intense, and challenging. Today, my guest Jamie C. Finn is sharing trauma-informed parenting techniques to help you and your child be better regulated. You’ll Learn:How your curiosity can shift your kid’s behaviorThe benefits of staying regulated (even when it feels like a lot of work)Why caring for your nervous system is the most important thing you can do for your home…and how to do itPowerful mindset shifts that will change the way you show up as a momWe cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Whether your child has experience trauma or not, I know you’ll love this episode!--------------------------------------I invited Jamie to the podcast because she is a foster parent, an adoptive parent, and a parent of children she has birthed (7 kids total!). And she has a lot of experience raising kids who are neurodivergent and have a history of trauma. We cover a lot of ground in this conversation, really drilling down to what it means to be a mom. Jamie C. Finn has written 3 books: Foster the Family, Filled, and God Loves Kids. She is also the founder and president of Foster the Family, a national nonprofit that serves vulnerable children and the families welcoming them, as well as the founder of the Filled Gathering, the largest gathering of foster and adoptive moms in the world.  Meet Jamie C. FinnJamie’s family started out as something pretty conventional, but has grown into so much more. 11 years ago, she and her husband had 2 kids - one boy, one girl - living the American dream. Today, they have 7 children ranging in age from 2 to almost 17, including 4 kids that they adopted through foster care, and 1 in a current foster placement. She says it became a life of “keeping our doors open to kids who need us.”She came from a background of conservative, traditional, gospel-centered Christian parenting. And while Jamie still draws heavily from her faith and religion, her approach has changed drastically over the years. The first parent training she ever went to was very authoritarian, and she was immediately uncomfortable with the strategies she was being taught. But Jamie’s first trauma-informed training opened her eyes to a whole new way of thinking about her kids and their behavior. She was amazed to learn that a trauma-informed approach also worked with her biological child who struggled with ADHD and anxiety. She says, “This isn't just about trauma. This is about seeing our kids’ brains and meeting our kids where they are.” It’s not about getting immediate obedience. It’s more like saying, “My heart is for you and I'm with you and I want you to be able to succeed in obedience.” She’s now been on a journey for the past 11 years of learning to love and parent her children well and helping other families to do the same. The Power of CuriosityWhen I looked up “trauma-informed parenting”, I found that it was “based on the concept that behaviors are often windows into underlying emotions or unmet needs.” And I thought, well that just sounds like human-informed parenting to me. To some extent, Jamie agrees. She says that she doesn’t change the way she parents based on whether a kid has experienced trauma or not. She still wants to understand the need and how she can help them meet it. However, she believes that the curiosity goes deeper in a trauma-informed approach, especially when you don’t have the child’s full history. She says, “It leads to curiosity, which leads to generosity, which leads to meeting that need.” This curiosity can almost be harder to access with neurotypical, biological kids. It’s easier to expect them to have it all together. But even if their story, brain, and biology are typical, there are triggers that come up from their hormones, diet, school, schedule, friendships, sleep, etc. There is still plenty of room for curiosity about what is behind the behavior.I like to think of it as the journey to compassion. Judgment >> Neutrality >> Curiosity >> CompassionCuriosity always comes before compassion. It’s looking for a genuine answer to “Why are you acting this way?” Jamie says that “our kids usually can’t answer [that question]. That’s why it’s our job to be little detectives.” Is it coming from something that happened at school today, last week, or from a trauma in their story that happened 10 years ago?Even when you can’t find the answer, Jamie says, ask yourself, “How can I look at them as a full person who needs compassion right now?” Trauma-Informed Parenting ToolsThe thing about trauma is that it actually rewires the brain. It makes the parts of the brain that are reactive bigger and more reactive. And it makes the parts that are thoughtful and do good planning and thinking smaller and less potent. Essentially, the brain is wire

Today’s guest is so special to me, because she is the person who taught me how to become the parent I am today. She’s basically my Darlynn. I’m so excited to introduce you to Jeanette Yoffe, who is here to talk about regulation strategies for kids.You’ll Learn:How to use the PACE Model to support yourself and your childSome of Jeanette’s favorite phrases for connecting with your kid and their behavior (and a few to avoid)7 nonverbal cues to pay attention to12+ strategies to help regulate the nervous systemWe’re sharing our favorite simple strategies to help kids deal with their big feelings. You’re gonna love it!-----------------------------------Jeanette Yoffe is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She's an adoptee, and she focuses on kids who have experienced trauma, attachment disruption, been in the foster care system, or were adopted. In addition to her direct work with families, she has an amazing book out called The Traumatized and At Risk Youth Toolbox, which includes 160 different therapeutic exercises that anyone can do to help kids process their big feelings.I first met Jeanette when Lincoln (my oldest son) was almost 5 years old. At that time, I was so desperate to be a good parent and not be a rageful mom and fuck up my kid.I truly think of her as an angel that came into my life at exactly the right time. She was our family’s therapist, and she introduced me to an entirely new framework for parenting and relating to my kids.  Meet Jeanette YoffeJeanette loves all kids, but her heart is truly with foster children. She says that a lot of the work she does now comes from trying to be what she needed as a kid. Jeanette first went into therapy herself when she was a 13-year-old with suicidal ideation. For the first 15 months of her life, she lived with her birth family, but it was deemed unsafe for her to stay with her mother, who was struggling with mental illness. Then, she spent 6 ½ years in foster care in 3 different homes. Finally, she was placed in another home to be adopted at the age of 7 ½. She says, “Those frequent moves had a great impact on me and my nervous system and my ability to trust and feel secure in any relationship with any parent. Even when I was adopted, I kept asking my mother, ‘When are you going to give me away?’ Because that's all that I knew.”When Jeanette was 13, she was living with her adoptive family, which included 2 adopted siblings and a foster child, who had visits with her birth mother. Jeanette started to wonder, “Where is my birth mother? Why is she not coming back for me?” The conclusion she came to was that she must really be unlovable and deficient in some way. When she watched that foster child be reunified with her mother, Jeanette started questioning her life and her existence. She experienced anxiety and depression. She didn’t know what to do with those feelings. Her self esteem plummeted.Also around this time, Jeanette wrote a suicide note to her best friend and said, “Tonight I'm gonna do it.” Thankfully, her friend told her mother, and she started therapy. Compassion was the biggest piece of healing for Jeanette. She says, “Therapy really changed my life and helped me really make sense of what happened to me. Once I started having compassion for what I'd been through, I could start feeling a sense of relief.” This is now at the root of her work with kids and families. The PACE ModelThis model was created by Daniel Hughes. He teaches it as “PACE your child”. Jeanette teaches parents to “PACE yourself” first. Just as in the Calm Mama Process, you want to regulate yourself first so that you can be compassionate toward your child.You can do these steps in any order. P: P3 - Be patient, present, and playful.A: Acceptance - Always convey, “I accept you, I love you”.C: Curiosity - What’s happening? This is all about your tone.E: Empathy Let’s dive a little deeper into some of the components of PACE and why they work.Playfulness actually releases dopamine - a feel-good hormone that will help you stay regulated. Conveying your unconditional love and acceptance separates the child from the behavior. You may not love what they’re doing, but you love them. Your child is not their behavior. And their behavior is not a reflection or a rejection of you. It is a strategy they are using to cope with their feelings. Curiosity helps your child feel safe. It’s the tone that you really want to understand what’s going on with them (not the critical, “What is wrong with you?”). Your curiosity actually opens up executive functioning in their brain. Empathy and compassion help our kids make sense of themselves. In this way, we can help them build a massive amount of awareness of why they act the way they act and what to do about it.Paying attention to your child’s facial expressions and nonverbal cues is also important and helpful as you practice PACE. Maybe they don’t wan

Today is Thanksgiving here in the US, so in the spirit of giving thanks, today’s episode is all about gratitude, how it relates to children and parenting, and my three favorite strategies for cultivating genuine gratitude in yourself and your kids.---------------------------------What is Gratitude?In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation. This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice. The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings.Gratitude and KidsGratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why. First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10.Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it.In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them.But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for.I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development. The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them.Weaponizing GratitudeSomething I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.”This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings. Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you. What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to.We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful. The Other Side of GratitudeNow don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief.  All any feeling ever wants us to be felt.Gratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all. Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side.Cultivating Genuine GratitudeThere are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find.You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family.#1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it. #2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude! #3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift.Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving.I’m thankful for you, Mama (and yo

As I prepared for our 200th(!!!) episode of the podcast, I realized that I hadn't completely shared a huge part of my story with you. You may already know that I’m an adoptive mom. Today, I’m going deeper and sharing my infertility and adoption story.I sometimes talk about my journey as arriving through the back door of motherhood. In this episode, I’m talking about how I experienced infertility, why we chose adoption, and how that informed me as a mom, ultimately becoming a trauma-informed parent. -----------------------------------------------My hope is that if you have experienced infertility, this episode gives a voice to your pain and a place for you to feel supported and loved. If you have not experienced infertility, I hope that hearing my story might help you have more understanding and compassion for your girlfriends or family members that are going through it. My Infertility StoryAfter a few years of marriage (I married young at 22), it became clear to me that I really wanted to become a mom. Sometime in 2001 or 2002, my husband and I started trying to get pregnant. For the first few months, I didn’t think much of it when my period kept coming. Six or seven months in, I wasn’t super concerned but thought it was a bit strange that I wasn’t pregnant yet. So I started the ovulation strips, the basal thermometer, and all those little at-home hacks to increase our chances. A year went by, and I still wasn’t pregnant. During this time, I was pretty sad. In the beginning, I was so excited for my friends when they got pregnant. But as time went on and it became more evident that maybe it wasn't going to happen for us, I started to feel jealous, scared, and less than. It triggered insecurities and feelings from my childhood of not belonging.At the one-year mark, we decided to go to the doctor and have some testing done. Our results showed that we would need some interventions if we wanted to get pregnant. The obvious answer at the time was IVF. I knew a few people who were going through IVF, and I was hearing about how much it cost and how devastating it was if it didn’t work. So, we decided to consider ALL of our options. After getting our test results, we weren’t closed off to the idea of adoption. In fact, I think there was a part of us that always sort of wanted to adopt. We just thought it would be in addition to our own biological kids.The options were laid out to us in two paths: the medical route or the adoption route. At first, I told my husband that I wanted to pursue both at the same time. Our Adoption JourneyAs we started to look at adoption, I was clear on one thing. I did not want to adopt through foster care. I was so desperate for this child, and I wanted a baby that could be mine. While I now know that this isn’t the risk factor I thought it was, I was so afraid that our relationship would be insecure, that a birth mother could come back and take my child away. So we decided on inter-country adoption. At the time, our main options were Russia, China, and Guatemala. We attended an adoption seminar and learned about the process, costs, and wait times. Russia seemed the most aligned for us in that we could have a baby in about nine months. It felt like the most natural timeline to me.We realized pretty quickly that both IVF and adoption required a lot of time, money, and energy. We had to choose one. When I have a big decision to make or I'm in a lot of emotional pain, I often end up on the shore, by the ocean. So after the seminar, my husband and I drove to Santa Monica, sat on the beach, and talked about it. We both wanted to pursue adoption for different reasons. Kevin wasn’t super invested in having a biological child. And I wanted a sure thing. I didn’t want to go through round after round of IVF. We decided to adopt. Adoption requires a lot from the parents. If you get pregnant and have a baby, you take it home and that’s that. With adoption, you’re evaluated on:Your homePsychological testingFinancial stabilityYour fitness as a parentYour marriage, religion, and valuesWhether you believe in spanking or time outsThey call it a paper pregnancy, and you essentially have about 100 pages of documents describing everything about your life, home, finances, etc.It’s so intimate, like having someone look under the hood of your life and then decide whether you're good enough or not. You have to prove that you are worthy of adopting a baby. It was really hard. I knew that I was a good person, but it also brought up a lot of information, insecurity, and pain.I felt very alone during that time. I didn't really have anyone else in my life who was going through it. And I also didn't know how to deal with the pain of watching my friends have baby showers, give birth, and have newborns. They were afraid to share their joy with me because they knew I was in so much pain. Once our dossier was complete (and translated into Russian), we sent i

If you have a child between the ages of 1 and 5, today’s episode is for you. I’ve invited Devon Kuntzman onto the podcast to talk to us about transforming toddlerhood. She is a toddler parenting expert who is on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible.You’ll Learn:Myths about toddlerhood that lead to frustration for parentsWhy toddlers behave the way they do (and what to do about it)The difference between consistency and perfectionWhen to let your child take the leadWhat to do with, “You’re not the boss of me!”Today, Devon is sharing practical strategies to meet your toddler’s basic developmental and sensory needs, as well as ways to teach them skills to get their needs met and cope with frustration. -------------------------------------------Devon Kuntzman is a wife, mama and the original toddler parenting expert on Instagram. She says she is so passionate about this age group because, “we know that the first five years really set the foundation for the rest of a child's life in terms of their brain development and emotional regulation.”As a certified coach with a degree in psychology, she helps thousands of families each year through courses, workshops, and the annual Transforming Toddlerhood Conference. Her community of 1 million parents and caregivers is committed to transforming their parenting, their toddler’s behavior, and their overall experience of toddlerhood while creating a relationship with their child that lasts a lifetime. Who Are Toddlers?One of my first questions for Devon was how she defines a toddler. I often think of toddlers as being separate from preschoolers, but Devon explains that she groups them together (ages 1-5) because they are all struggling with a lot of the same things. She says, “They still have very immature brains. They're lacking their impulse control skills, emotional regulation skills.”I think of toddlers’ decision making as, “if it feels good, do it.” It’s an emotional process for them. They aren’t really able to think things through and access executive function until around age 6.Devon does split them into younger toddlers (ages 1 & 2) and older toddlers (ages 3-5), largely based on expressive language skills and their ability to communicate their feelings and needs. Putting preschoolers into their own category, Devon says, can be confusing if we think that they should no longer be having the same behavioral challenges as toddlers. The truth is, it is still completely developmentally appropriate for them to struggle. Decoding Toddler BehaviorWhen it comes to toddler behavior, Devon likes to talk about “decoding” behavior. She says, “If we don't understand what's happening with the behavior, then it's going to be really challenging to know how to respond.” I think this is certainly true for all ages.The concept of decoding reminds us that there are layers that we need to peel back in order to really understand what’s going on. It requires us to get curious about the root of a child’s behavior. As you’ve heard me say a million times, the root of any behavior is emotion. A feeling that they are trying to communicate or cope with. They may also be trying to communicate a need, whether it’s a basic need like food or sleep, a sensory need, or a need to feel connection and affection.Devon says that impulse control is a common challenge for toddlers. Some behaviors that come along with this are spitting, wanting to grab things off the shelf at the grocery store, or taking off chasing a cat or a bird down the street. These behaviors are very reactionary. There is no thinking about safety, impact, or the future.  Development in the Toddler YearsSome developmental needs of toddlers include the need to:Experiment and exploreMoveBe independentFeel capableHave a sense of controlFeel powerfulHave a role in the family.Of course, Devon says, these are needs that we all have as humans, but they’re so important in the toddler years because “the whole point of toddlerhood is for your child to become their own unique individual, to develop a sense of self for the first time.”In fact, toddlers are developmentally driven to push against us. Devon explains that babies often see themselves as an extension of their caregiver. Power struggles come into play when your toddler starts becoming an individual, separate from you, and you are still trying to control them.It’s a tricky balance. They want more independence, but they are also reliant on you to meet their physical and emotional needs.Devon says that we can give toddlers a sense of control in areas that are very inconsequential. And if you meet that need for independence throughout the day, you’re less likely to slip into power struggles, even when bedtime rolls around. It’s almost like making a deposit in their control bank.She explains that one of the best ways to do this is by giving choices that are within your boundaries while still giving your child some autonomy. Consider

Dr. Angele Close is back on the podcast! Today, we’re diving deeper into letting go of mom shame and how to build a new relationship within ourselves so we can release that guilt and stress and show up in a more loving, kind, open-hearted way.You’ll learn:Why the myths and expectations of society are like swimming in a fishbowlWhat it feels like to be in Self energyHow something as simple as placing your hand over your heart can soothe you in times of stress4 ways to tap into your SelfDr. Angele’s story of how she became less reactive with her sonToday’s episode is part 2 of my conversation with Dr. Angele Close. If you missed last week’s episode, be sure to go back and check it out here. You can also find links to my previous episodes on the Internal Family Systems model (IFS) at the end of the show notes.---------------------------------------Dr. Angele uses the Internal Family Systems model in her therapy and coaching in order to help moms unburden themselves from trauma, guilt, stress, burnout, overwhelm, and that mental load that you're carrying in your head. She then teaches them how to relate to the stressors of parenting in a different way so that they can feel more joyful, calm, present, and able to actually enjoy the experience of raising kids. Turning Myths into EmpowermentIn last week’s episode, we talked a lot about the myths of motherhood, including the Good Mom myth.There is so much about mom culture in our society that is toxic. The messaging all around us is sending messages that we basically have to be Supermom, or else we’re failing. Dr. Angele says, “It’s oppressive. It’s life limiting…The liberation comes in the awareness of it.” When it comes to these myths, we have to ask ourselves, “What am I believing? What are the parts of me that have come to believe some of this stuff?”When you understand the answers to these questions, you can actually design your own experience of motherhood. It is an opportunity for awakening and empowerment. Dr. Angele says, “I think becoming a mother is a gateway for us to become our true, authentic self. That's the invitation. That's the true power.” Self Energy and Being Self-Led“Self” was conceptualized by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who created IFS. It’s that place inside yourself that is just you. He talks about an energy of being coherent and connected. Your body, heart, and mind are all in the same place.Dr. Angele thinks of it as our soul energy. She says, “It’s the energy within yourself which every human has. And it's not changed or tarnished by anything that you've been through or that's happened to you.”One example Dr. Angele shared was the image of the sky. Your Self energy is the sun, and your parts are the clouds. Even on a cloudy, overcast day, the sun is always there.  Working with Your Parts - the Manager and the FirefighterUnfortunately, we’re not living fully in Self energy every day. That’s not realistic when we live in a complex world that often feels unsafe or stressful. That’s when our “parts” take the wheel. These other parts come in to help us navigate and cope and live in the real world. They’re a bit like our armor, our protection. When we can drop that armor and unburden our parts, we become more aware and conscious to choose our beliefs and energy.The Manager and the Firefighter are two of our Self-protective parts, and they come up a lot with moms. You might also discover parts that are a caregiver, critic, or coach. I’ve even named some of mine: iPad girl and Wild Child. Have a little fun with it! Manager PartsThe Manager can also be referred to as the Taskmaster or Momager. Other versions of the Manager might be the Measurer, the Critic, or the People Pleaser.This is a “doer” part. Moms are juggling so much. The Manager part takes care of it. It helps us achieve our goals and take care of the tasks on the never-ending to-do list. It gets our kids to their activities and puts dinner on the table. And sometimes it might be a bit perfectionistic. This is also the part that wants to be Supermom and is carrying the invisible mental load. When we lead from this part, there’s not a lot of joy. You might often feel rushed, overwhelmed, like there’s never enough time. It can feel like you’re on autopilot, just going through the motions.It also doesn’t leave much space for compassion and patience. In a tough parenting moment, your Taskmaster is watching the clock and pushing to get out the door, rather than connecting with your child. Firefighter PartsYou’ve probably heard me talk about fix it/f*ck it. If the Manager is the “fix it,” the Firefighter is the “f*ck it”. It’s the equally intense opposition to trying to be Supermom. It’s when you want to give up and burn it all to the ground. Dr. Angele describes these Firefighter parts as the Scroller, the Numb-er, the Shopper, the Snacker, the Binge Eater or Drinker. Maybe your Manager has been helpin

I’m so excited this week to introduce Dr. Angele Close on the podcast. We're talking all about motherhood, the myths of motherhood (including the “good mom” myth), and what it's like to be a mom in this modern world. In fact, we had so much to talk about that this week’s episode is only part 1! You’ll Learn:Why motherhood feels so heavyA key concept that can help you drop the self-blame and shame around not feeling good enough as a momHow choosing to value connection over achievement can benefit your childWays that gentle parenting has over-corrected from traditional parenting stylesThe time I decided I was a great momDr. Angele and I talked a lot about the myth of being a “good” mother and the process of matrescence -  the act of becoming and being a mom. We also got into how to release yourself from our society’s unrealistic standards of motherhood so that you can tap into your own internal wisdom and intuition.-----------------------------------Meet Dr. Angele CloseDr. Angele Close is a clinical psychologist, motherhood coach, and mindfulness teacher. She is also a therapist in the Internal Family Systems model. She is about to release a new book called Unburdening Motherhood: A Guide to Breaking Cycles, Healing Trauma, and Becoming a Self-led Mom. I cannot tell you how much I love this book, and I know you will too.Dr. Angele is also the mom of 3 teenagers and shares how, as they entered elementary age, parenting got really tough for her. Her oldest child is neurodiverse, and traditional ways of parenting just weren’t really working anymore. Everyone (including Dr. Angele) was having a lot of big feelings, and she found herself becoming really self–critical and hard on herself. Emotion-focused therapy, mindfulness, and meditation were her profession, but as a mom she felt like she was losing her mind. This led to seeking out help and support, learning about the concept of matrescence, and discovering the Internal Family Systems model. As she healed herself and gained some traction in her personal life, she quickly realized she needed to share it with other moms.  What is Matrescence?The word “matrescence” was conceptualized by an anthropologist Dana Raphael in the 1970s. She was interested in what happens to women when they become mothers. It turns out that mothers go through a significant, profound transformation of identity, similar to in adolescence. It changes every aspect of our lives - emotionally, physically, hormonally, spiritually, our roles, and our careers. Dr. Angele says, “Some people will say it's only the first few years of motherhood. That's not been my experience. To me, it’s lifelong. Our relationship to our children and our identity are forever tied.”These transformations can happen at different stages of motherhood. For me, one of those times was when my youngest started kindergarten. I’d lost myself in the previous 7 years of parenting, and I didn’t even know who I was or what I liked anymore. When you realize that you’re in a transition like that, it’s an opportunity to redefine yourself, your career, whatever it is that feels like it’s shifting. And whoever you become in that transition is okay. We don’t have to make ourselves wrong for any of it.The other piece that is acknowledged in matrescence is that through motherhood, anything we haven’t healed or dealt with from our own childhoods will get reactivated. Finally! A concept that lets us see motherhood as a process. To recognize that we’ve changed, and that’s okay.  The “Good Mom” MythDr. Angele says that a key focus of her book is on the myths in our culture about what it means to be a good mom. These ideas change over time, and we absorb them through society. In the 50s, the standard was the stay-at-home mom/homemaker. Then the feminist movement pushed women back into the workplace and told us we could do it all. Today, we’re in the era of the Super Mom, where we’re actually expected to be superhuman. Society tells us we’re supposed to raise amazing, well-rounded, adjusted children while feeding them organic food, attending ALL the school things, monitoring their grades online, and organizing a full extracurricular and social schedule. Overwhelmed yet?Women are crumbling under layers and layers of pressure. Here are some of the common myths that are floating around our culture. These are the stories we need to shift if we want to move into a new parenting paradigm. And just a reminder: they’re called myths because they aren’t actually true! A good mom gets pregnant easily and naturally. As an adoptive mom, this was a hard one for me. Moms often swap “war stories” of pregnancy, birth, and having newborns. So from the beginning, I felt like I didn’t belong. A good mom is self-sacrificing.She puts everyone else’s needs above her own, often at her own expense.We don’t often hear people talk about the inner split that happens.