Become A Calm Mama

What’s going on in the adolescent brain? SO much! Between ages 12 and 24 (give or take a year or two), the brain goes through a major remodel. Last week, I talked about how puberty is triggered by changes in hormone levels. Today, we’re diving into another process happening within the adolescent brain called pruning. I’ll help you understand the brain science behind what’s happening, why pruning happens and how it affects development. Changes in the Adolescent BrainThe essence of adolescence can be attributed to the changes in the brain, and one of the biggest changes happening during this time is pruning. Pruning is when the brain keeps the connections that are used frequently and discards those that don't seem to be needed anymore. It's the process that takes us from being open to anything as an elementary aged kid, to becoming an expert at a few things as an adult.Just as you would prune extra, unneeded branches from a fruit tree to increase production, the brain is pruning extra brain cells (neurons) and connections (synapses) that are no longer needed. As a young child, there is SO much to learn, and the brain is constantly creating new neurons to adapt to all of these new experiences and stimuli. At a certain point, it becomes too much, so the brain begins to prune unneeded neurons and synapses.Benefits of Pruning in AdolescentsPruning helps to make the brain more efficient and adaptable. It allows us to think and process faster, make decisions and understand things like cause and effect, time and big-picture planning. It actually makes it easier to learn because the brain is no longer so full of things that it doesn’t need anymore. And with more space, the brain lays down new connections and circuitry toward the prefrontal cortex, where cognitive function happens. You’ll start to see your tween or teen thinking about things differently and making better decisions as this process occurs. They are more able to think for themselves and become more responsible. The prefrontal cortex is also where empathy lives. Our kids will have the ability to be more empathetic when they can take on the perspectives of other people. Stress response will begin to improve. As we talked about last week, puberty creates a lot of work for the stress system in adolescent bodies, but the new circuitry in the brain will then help your kid access better coping mechanisms. Finally, pruning can affect language and communication abilities, making it easier for your teen to express themselves. This helps maintain open lines of communication, which is crucial for healthy parent-child relationships. Challenges of PruningIf you think of your kid’s brain like a house, their primal fight or flight response is the basement, the emotional limbic center is the main level and the upstairs is the part of the brain that does all the thinking.During the pruning process, the staircase is being built. But it isn’t always built in order. Some sections might be built separately or there might be stairs that lead to nowhere and need to be remodeled. It’s not always a clear, straight pathway. As you can imagine, climbing a staircase that’s missing some parts can be challenging. And sometimes the brain overprunes (like an over-eager gardener). It might cut back too many neurons and need to rebuild them. Some challenging behaviors you might see during this time are:Emotional dysregulation and mood fluctuations.Learning and academic challenges (e.g. difficulty concentrating, organizing information or adapting to new challenges). This can sometimes even look like ADHD. Identity and self-concept. As they “try on” new identities or traits to see what fits them, it can affect their self-worth or self-esteem.Risk-taking behavior spurred by changes in dopamine and less adult supervision. Social issues with peers (whose brains are also going through all these changes).Kids this age don't know who they are. They don't feel good about themselves, and they might take that out on other kids or try to people please by acting in ways that we don't approve of or even recognize. It’s important to remember that these disruptions are completely normal AND they’re temporary. Create a Positive Parenting Vision for Your AdolescentKids have to go through this process of adolescence, but it is hard to be around. Here is one simple exercise that can help you not feel so overwhelmed.I always tell parents to parent the kid in front of you, not the one you wish they were or the one you're afraid they'll become. Fear of what they’ll become is what I see most in parents of teens. The kid in front of you right now might be pretty challenging, but it’s normal, it’s natural and they’re struggling through this massive brain remodel.With that in mind, I want to offer you a tool I teach in all my classes called the Positive Parenting Vision. It’s a way to get out

Today we’re talking about puberty. If you have a tween or teen (or even a slightly younger kid), this episode is going to be so helpful. Our kids go through a lot of changes during puberty, so I’m helping you to understand what is actually going on in their bodies and with their hormones and how you can support your child through it all. What Is Puberty?Puberty is the name that we give to the combination of hormone-driven changes that happen inside the body right before and during adolescence. It’s the process of a child’s body growing, changing and maturing (pretty rapidly!) into an adult body. Puberty is triggered by the release of sex hormones. For girls, this can happen anywhere between ages 8 and 13, but is most common around age 10 or 11. For boys the range is closer to ages 9 to 14, with the most common onset between 11 and 13 years old. Note that as we are discussing biological processes, I am referring to gender assigned at birth.Just as the age of onset varies from person to person, the length of puberty varies, too. It can last a really long time, or it can go by quickly. Just as with other developmental milestones, everyone is on their own timeline. What To Expect During PubertyCommon signs of puberty for both boys and girls include oily skin and hair, increased perspiration and body odor and growth spurts. In girls, you’ll also notice breast development, growth of pubic and underarm hair, changes in their figure (e.g. widening hips) and the start of a menstrual cycle. Additional signs of puberty in boys include growth in the penis and testicles, growth of pubic, underarm and facial hair, ejaculations and changes in their voice. These physical changes are the ones we tend to be more familiar with. But there are also a lot of changes that happen with the brain and the stress response. In all of my programs, including the Emotionally Healthy Middle Schooler and the Emotionally Healthy Teen, we talk a lot about stress management and how to help kids regulate their emotions in a healthy way.During puberty and adolescence, there are two main things that are happening in the brain: Hormonal changes (which we’re going deep into today) and a process called pruning, which I’ll cover in next week’s episode.Hormones and the Stress Response During PubertyAs a quick refresh, a stressor is anything (physical or psychological) that your brain views as a threat, and hormonal systems within our body get activated to help us cope. The initial reaction comes from epinephrine (aka adrenaline) through our sympathetic nervous system. This is the fight or flight reaction. The second response is a bit slower and more regulated. Multiple glands and parts of the brain work together, using hormones like cortisol and dopamine, to respond to the stress response and calm our body back down. Basically, you get an energy boost so you have the ability to protect yourself against the threat. Once the threat is gone and we’ve moved through our stress response, our body sends the brain a message that we’re ok and the hormone production stops. During puberty, things get a little thrown off, because the system that is responsible for responding to stress is also responsible for creating all of the sex hormones (testosterone in boys and estrogen and progesterone in girls). Up to age 10, your kid is already working pretty hard to manage their stress response because they’re young. Then, we throw a whole influx of new hormones in the mix. The brain and body need to learn how to regulate these new hormones, and it takes a while. Completing a stress cycle can take 45 to 60 minutes longer in adolescents than in adults. Your middle schooler or high schooler may not have more stressors in their life, but they are actually more stressed inside their body. They’re experiencing a heightened, overactive stress response, and they’re struggling. This is why we see unpredictable, volatile moods during puberty. Tips For Parenting Through PubertyWhat are you supposed to DO with this hormonal, moody person? Here are a few tips to navigate this time of your child’s life. Don’t take things personallyThe behavior that you’re seeing isn’t really about you. It’s about what your kid is going through internally. Set boundaries when you need to, but don’t shut them out or shut them down. It’s time to lean in and get curious about what they’re struggling with. Listen without judgmentWhen you see off-track behavior, you’ll want to jump in with criticism or advice. But if you really want to create a safe place between you and your tween or teen, you need to let them get some things out. Decide which boundaries are most important to youIt can be really confusing as a parent to decide which limits you’re committed to holding, so follow your instincts. Know that this is a stageThe way your kid acts during puberty is not how they’ll be as an adult. This is not a cris

Today, we’re talking about having better conversations with your teens and tweens. How can you continue to feel connected to your kid during this time when it’s so easy to drift apart?I know that you don’t want your relationship to be adversarial and to feel really disconnected, but this often happens in the middle school and high school years. You end up talking about school, chores, grades, their attitude…and the ways they’re not measuring up. You’re not sure how to set limits and follow through with appropriate consequences, so you’re constantly reminding them of things they need to do. And this nagging and criticism creates a lot of disconnection. So when you have only a limited amount of time to talk with your teen or tween, how do you want to spend it? In this episode, I’ll walk you through four different types of conversations to check in, get to know your kid, connect with them in a deeper way and hold them accountable when they mess up. And even though I’m focusing on teens and tweens, these four conversation types are important for all ages and relationships. You can adapt them for your younger kids, too. 4 Types of Conversations to Have With Your Teen or TweenThe Casual Conversation I like to call this the “shoot the shit” conversation, talking about regular, everyday things. There are no expectations or agendas. You’re just getting to know your kid - what’s on their mind, what they’re interested in, etc. Engage with them and get a peek into their world. Just keep it light, like how it feels to hang out and chat with a friend.If they brush you off, don’t give up. Don’t make it mean anything. Just keep trying and be a regular human being with your kids. The Curiosity ConversationRemember how you could watch your kids for hours when they were first learning to walk and talk? Big developmental milestones are still happening in your teen, but they’re internal. Our kids have things in their heads that we don’t know are in there. Curiosity can coax some of it out.The approach is less, “I’m going to teach you something,” and more about figuring out what they know. What are they learning and thinking and doing and planning?Your teen or tween actually does want to talk about what they are thinking and feeling. They just don't want to be told what to think or feel, so you have to leave your agenda at the door. Often, they’ll even start the conversation. You just have to recognize the cues. A couple of warnings…#1: The topics your kid is interested in might be boring to you.#2: They might say things that surprise (or alarm) you. Remember, they’re trying on different ideas as they continue to grow, mature and create their identity. Set boundaries or politely end the conversation if you need to. You can say "I love talking about things with you, but I'm not open to this conversation right now."If you want to build more connection and warmth between you and your kid, these conversations are how you get it. Get curious, ask questions, let your kids tell you what they know and what they think. The Connection ConversationThese are a little bit deeper. Here, you get to learn more about the emotional life of your child. Your teen or your tween desperately wants to feel safe with you. They want to feel seen and soothed by you and secure in your relationship. They also don’t really want you to know all of that. They don't like the vulnerability of still being a kid. They want to act older, show up differently, be mature and not really need their parents. So, while your kid really wants to have these conversations with you, it’s also really difficult and uncomfortable to talk about hard things and be that vulnerable.As the parent, you can provide the opportunity for them to share those hard things with you, but you might need to be a little stealthy and they’ll participate when they’re feeling really, really safe. You can start a conversation by simply narrating what you see (e.g. you’re quiet today, you’re complaining quite a bit today) without any snark or assumption. Then ask, “I wonder if there’s something on your mind?” or, “are you feeling frustrated?”Whether or not they choose to engage in the conversation with you has very little to do with you, and a lot to do with how much vulnerability they can tolerate in the moment. Either way, they will see that you are holding that space for them and are there to listen. Sometimes, these conversations are completely silent. I call this quiet compassion, and it is often enough. You can recognize that they are hurting, connect with that situation and feeling and move into a compassionate place all in your own mind. You will soften toward your kid, and they’ll feel that safety and connection with you.The Correction ConversationCorrection is what needs to happen when your teen or tween messes up (because they will). How do you handle it when they don’t keep a limit you set?&n

What does “success” really look like in parenting? What is the end goal? What are we doing all this for? In this episode, I’m debriefing a huge step in my parenting journey and sharing two keys that have shaped my experience as a parent and my relationship with my kids. Yesterday I dropped off my oldest son for his first year of college – and transitioned him one step further on his journey towards independence.Then it hit me: THIS IS WHAT I’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR ALL ALONG. That point of graduating from high school and launching into adulthood is, in many ways, the finish line of parenting.I’ve been slowly moving Lincoln towards independence, responsibility and emotional health since he was 4 years old. That meant working on myself and calming my own emotional reactivity, so I didn’t dump all my crap on him. It meant learning how to teach him emotional regulation through the practice of compassion, so he would learn what to do with all of his feelings too.I had to have firm limits with him. Let him make mistakes. Not rescue him. I’m still processing a lot of the thoughts and feelings around this big step, but I realized two key factors that made this transition easier for me and I wanted to share them with you right away. 2 Keys to Parenting SuccessYears and years of work have led us to this moment. It’s why he’s going to be ok. And it’s why I know how to process all of this in real time – no stuffing, dumping, avoiding, projecting, or over-dramatizing any of it. Parenting Key #1: Embracing and processing your emotion is so importantLearning to process emotion, especially negative ones, is probably the single most valuable gift I’ve given myself over the past 19 years of motherhood. Being able to feel all my feelings has allowed me to truly be present for the experience of parenting and raising my boys. I was here for it. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I’m so grateful for my willingness to get help when I needed it. To learn. To grow. To become. This is really where self-coaching begins. It’s about noticing, allowing and soothing your emotion, and then finding new thoughts to help you move forward. Parenting Key #2: Celebrating your parenting achievements is a good thingThe hard work of “gentle parenting” is worth it. When you do the personal development work along with compassionate parenting, the result is a kid who feels very connected to you and has a lot of emotional health for themselves - Especially if you combine that connection with firm limits and restorative consequences.Years ago, I chose 3 parenting goals:My kids’ emotional health and wellbeingMy relationship with my kidsMy own mental and emotional wellbeingAs Lincoln steps out on his own, I can honestly say I’ve achieved what I set out to do as a mom. And I’m letting myself be proud of it. I’m not skipping over it to the next thing or pushing myself for more or better. I’m just here in this moment, savoring and enjoying it. When you reach the “finish line”, it’s okay to celebrate, to be proud of what you’ve accomplished.What Will Parenting Success Look Like For You?Ultimately, we want our kids not to need us. We will still be in a relationship, but as two adults who are able to manage their own emotions, move through obstacles and take care of themselves and their responsibilities.I invite you to explore these 2 takeaways yourself, by reflecting on the following questions. Are you letting yourself feel the feelings as they come up? Do you allow yourself to feel fully sad or mad or scared? Do you trust yourself to feel it all and let the feeling pass through you? Are you letting yourself feel proud of your hard work as a parent? Do you quiet your inner critic, at least sometimes, and tell yourself good job?I also want you to know that you have permission - Permission to feel your feelings and permission to be proud of yourself. When you do these things, you’ll show up more often as the mom you want to be. As a parenting coach, my goal is always for you to improve your relationship with yourself, improve your relationship with your child and improve your child’s relationship with themself. And we do all that through the lens of self compassion, compassion, connection and healthy boundaries. One of the main things I teach in my Emotionally Healthy classes is how to fully feel and process your feelings. Because, as parents, we have a lot of them. and we don’t want to dump them on our kids. You have to be able to process your negative emotion first before you teach your kids how.Thank you for celebrating this milestone with me, and know that I’m celebrating with you as you launch your own kids into kindergarten, middle school, high school or whatever step is next. You’ll Learn:All about my “anxiety nest”Why “mom mode” is a way to escape our feelings How to feel your feelings and be ok with whatever comes upThe small and simple w

As we gear up for a new school year, I’m sharing some of my own tried-and-true routines and rhythms for simplifying your daily life. We’re talking mornings, afternoons, dinnertime and more, with tips geared toward families with elementary and middle school age kids. You’ll hear tips that worked for our family, why I made those decisions and how they helped me to establish a peaceful and easy rhythm for our home. These are nuts and bolts, actual HOW of creating your own daily routines so you can get places on time (without forgetting a bunch of stuff) and feel less stressed. Your days will look different than mine did, and you definitely don’t need to use every tip I share here. I do hope you’ll get some ideas for how to structure your days and simplify your life. Start with one or two favorites, and take it from there!Simplify Your MorningsMy goal in the morning was to create the most peace and ease possible, so that my kids would go to school feeling calm and grounded. I noticed that on days we were rushed, stressed and I was yelling or barking at them, they often ended up having a hard day at school. I started by spending a few minutes to connect with each kid while they were waking up. Then, we transitioned into getting dressed and brushing teeth. We did not use any devices in the mornings or have playtime once I was up.Breakfasts were super simple: instant oatmeal, yogurt or frozen waffles (with a little protein if possible). I really just tried to get something in their bellies. I rarely (if ever) made breakfasts I had to cook, like eggs or pancakes, during the week. I didn’t eat breakfast with them but made lunches during this time and was there to connect and be present with them.I made a choice to not really discipline or teach my kids anything in the morning. There just wasn’t time for a big conflict or conversation. I would move through the situation as best I could using limit setting, take note of any off-track behavior and come back to later.The goal was what I call a “gentle handoff” - delivering a well-regulated human to school - so I was always looking for ways to move things along in the morning without anyone getting upset. Creating a timeline helped us arrive on time or early to school. Start with what time they need to be at school, what time you need to leave the house and count backwards from there to figure out the rest. Remember to leave yourself some wiggle room for spills and last-minute bathroom breaks.There are also a few little hacks I discovered to help us get out the door more easily:Keep a shoe bin downstairsStore socks and backpacks near the shoesSimplify the stuff: Each kid had one backpack, one lunchbox, one sweatshirt, one pair of school shoes, and we kept their wardrobes pretty small and simple, tooSimplify School LunchesI made very simple lunches. Sawyer was a picky eater, so I sent him pretty much the same lunch every day. For Lincoln, I had a rotating schedule. My mind was blown when a friend of mine with four kids pointed out to me that I can just give my kids a sandwich everyday. That I didn’t have to make personalized, fancy lunches for my kids. Many parents like to make lunches the night before, and this works for a lot of families. It wasn’t really for us. Lincoln liked more warm foods for his lunch, so I chose to prep lunches in the morning (I’m also a morning person, so it wasn’t a big deal).And I didn’t send water bottles with my kids. At some point, I stopped doing this and they didn’t really seem to miss them. If you want your kids to take a water bottle to school, it can be their responsibility to fill it up and put it back into their backpack each day.Every afternoon, the boys would put their lunch boxes on the counter. I’d load containers into the dishwasher and run it every night so we had clean containers ready to go each morning.Simplify Your AfternoonsMy goal in the afternoons was to give my kids my full attention at the time of reunion. School pickup (or coming home on the bus) is one of those transitional points in the day that can feel hard for our kids. Even if I was talking with another mom at pickup, when my kid came out I’d pause and say, “Excuse me, let me say hi to my kid.” I would turn to them, give my full attention and tell them, “Hi, I really missed you.”I believe this set the tone for our afternoon. Most days we came straight home after school, even if we had activities later on. The boys did chores, like bringing their lunchboxes to the counter and unloading the dishwasher, while I prepped a snack.And we typically only did one sport at a time. I even tried to get my kids on teams with my friends’ kids so we could help each other with carpools. I only signed the boys up for enrichment activities or scheduled play dates if it worked for me, my schedule and our budget. I didn’t really wa

Today, I want to introduce you to (or bring you deeper into) the transformative world of inner child work. By soothing and addressing the pain and unmet needs from our own childhoods, we can discover profound healing and self-compassion. I’ll walk you through some simple exercises you can try to be kinder to yourself and explore how the concept of your child's inner child can help you bring a more nurturing and loving approach to parenting. What Is The Inner Child?Maybe you’ve heard of the concept of your inner child. It’s a really great way to see yourself through a lens of kindness, love and compassion. I’m extending this idea further today and talking about your child’s inner child. A lot of our work in adulthood is about going back and healing our inner child from experiences that hurt us or things that we needed but didn’t receive in childhood.My life mission is to heal the next generation in advance. What if our kids didn’t need to heal from childhood? What if we could raise them with compassion and give them the tools they need to be emotionally healthy adults? I believe that, while we can’t prevent pain, we can prevent trauma in our kids. In order to do this, we need to heal ourselves now, too. How To “Heal” Your Inner ChildI’m not a therapist, but I am a life coach, and I’m sharing some tools I’ve learned along the way to help you on your path to healing. The first comes from my life coach, Martha Beck. It is called KIST - an acronym for Kind Internal Self Talk. To heal from our pain, we have to love ourselves through it. But our self-talk is often very critical, and we tell ourselves a lot of negative stories. Instead of letting our inner critic tell us we’re not safe, we’re not good enough, nobody likes us, we can shift to positive statements that support and encourage us. In my programs, I often call these “thoughts to borrow”. Here are a few you can try out:I can handle this.This moment is temporary.I can figure out how to make this moment more peaceful.I'm doing my best.I have plenty of time.I choose peace and harmony over stress and perfection.I know what to do.This isn't that hard.I can figure this out.The second strategy I want to share with you is writing a love letter to yourself. It starts simply with, “Dear [your name], I am writing to tell you I love you."Next, fill in each of the prompts below:I love you because...I appreciate you because...I am proud of you because...You should feel accomplished because..._____makes me feel happy because...You are awesome because...You are beautiful because...You are unlike anyone else because...I’m thankful to you because...What I wish for you is...Sign it, "I love you. Love, [your name]"You can extend this activity by also writing a letter to your inner child, speaking kindly and tenderly to your younger self.Your Child’s Inner ChildThis concept is a little funny, because your child is living their inner child self right now. Our goal is to imagine their adult self and think about how we can support this inner child now so that they don’t need to heal later. As you think about your own inner child, you’ll think about what you wish your parents had said to you back then, what you wish they’d done or how you wish you’d been cared for. Through this lens, you can also imagine your kid 20 years from now. Your child’s internal self-talk will be inherited from you. We can use Kind External Parent Talk (KEPT) to speak more kindly to our kids. As parents, we often feel rushed or stressed, and we speak impulsively or shut our kids down without even realizing it. That’s why getting to CALM is so important. Speaking more kindly goes so far in your relationship with your kid, and it helps them develop kind internal self talk for themselves. Finally, you can adapt the love letter exercise again and write it or speak it out loud to your child (or write it to their inner child). What do they need to hear from you? Where are they longing to be seen? How do they want you to view them? 10 years from now, what are they going to wish you would have said or done? Of course, we can’t know these things for sure, and you won’t do it perfectly. But you certainly won’t do any harm by being extra kind and loving and acknowledging and appreciating who your child is. I know you love your kid so much that it hurts. I also know they make you absolutely bonkers and that sometimes you don't like them at all. That's okay. You’re a totally normal human. But the deep love is what we want to communicate to them, not the dislike.How can you have more kind external parent talk this week? How can you show your love and heal your child’s inner child in advance and love them as you wish you were loved?The takeaway I want to leave you with today is that you are ALL the parts of you, from all the ages and stages of your life. Thinking of the way you would speak to 8-year-old you will help

The new school year is starting soon, and I want you to be ready! In this episode, I’m sharing my back to school checklist - not for school supplies and new clothes, but to set you up for more peace this school year. I hope this will help you to feel like the leader in your life and give you more room in your life for fun, ease and joy.Your Back To School ChecklistThis is my 3-step process to help you figure out what truly matters to you and how to make the decisions to get it this school year.Step 1: Intentional FocusYou’ve probably heard people talk in January about their word for the year. I like to also choose a word for the school year. It might be a feeling that you want to chase or a theme or mantra. It gives us an opportunity to ask, “What do I want to focus on this year? What is important to me?” If you’re struggling to answer these questions, start by looking back on the previous year. What worked for you? What didn’t? This intention will give your brain a place to focus, and your brain will actually start looking for evidence that it is happening (yay!). It will also point out to you when it’s not happening, when you’re off track from where you want to be, which gives you a chance to reset and refocus. Step 2: Intentional PrioritiesIn order to get that feeling you’re chasing, your priorities and goals need to be in line with your intention. I often think of priorities in categories, like home life, academics and social emotional health. Each category can be pretty complex, and you can’t work on it all at one time. Priorities help you narrow down what you want to focus on right now. In the home life category, for example, you might want to prioritize chores, family time or better balance with screens. Again, looking back at the past year is a great place to start if you aren’t sure what to prioritize. Is there an area where your kid is clearly struggling? What skills do you want to help them learn this year? What goals will help you get closer to that feeling you’re chasing?These priorities will help relieve some of the sheer overwhelm of parenting. There is so much pressure to make sure our kids know how to do everything. But it is all a process, and kids have a lot of years to develop and learn. Step 3: Intentional RoutinesRoutines help you actually create the thing that you want. They are the “how”. At the beginning of a school year, I really like to think about how I want our days to flow. I look at our schedule and my priorities and figure out where these things are all going to fit. There will always be basics that need to happen - meals, sleep, school work, bathing, chores, etc. Once these things are done, what is left in terms of time, energy and money? This is where you can add in some enrichment activities or free screen time. Remember to also account for your own activities. Will you volunteer this school year? Are there hobbies or groups you’re involved in?Looking back to your intention and priorities will help you determine which activities are a good fit, and the rhythms and routines will be a lot easier to figure out. It also means you’re going to have to say “no” to some stuff. Your brain will start to do the “uh-oh” story. It will tell you that your kid is missing out or falling behind in some way. But saying “no” is not bad. It's not going to hurt your kids. So much of what we want our kids to learn can be taught in regular, everyday life. They don’t need ALL the enrichment activities to learn how to build relationships, take risks, overcome obstacles, achieve goals or practice personal responsibility. Anything you do with your kids is valuable.My goal for you is that you feel calm this school year, that you love the decisions you make and that you feel really clear and confident about what you're saying “yes” to and what and what you're saying “no” to and why.You're empowered. You get to decide, and you can do it from a place of leadership, intention and by prioritizing what is truly important to you. You’ll Learn:My word of the year for this school year (and how you can choose your own)Example priorities for home life, academics and social emotional healthThoughts you can borrow when you’re feeling the pressure to do it all right nowHow not to be a victim to an overloaded scheduleFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram&nbs

We hear a lot of names for parenting philosophies (e.g. gentle parenting, positive parenting, compassionate parenting), that all share the same foundation of compassion and connection. Today, I’m sharing the concept of therapeutic parenting - what it is and how it relates to the parenting style I now teach to moms like you.I first heard the term “therapeutic parenting” when I was really struggling with my then-4-year-old son. His temper tantrums, hitting and kicking were triggering and overwhelming to me. I felt so reactive toward him, and the way I responded made me feel terrible. So, I started to get some support. I found a therapist to help my child and me, and I began learning how to help him get out some of those big feelings and process that negative emotion.After these sessions, I would tell my best friend (who’s also a therapist) about everything I was learning, and she said, “That sounds like therapeutic parenting all the time…You know that's impossible. Right?”But I felt like I had no choice. All I knew was that I needed to help my son with his big feelings, and Lincoln needed so much support. Along the way, I realized that I needed a lot of help with my big feelings, too. I needed to heal my trauma response and decrease my stress.So what do we do when the thing our kids need is so hard? In this episode, I share a little background on therapeutic parenting, common challenges parents face and my own therapeutic parenting hack.What is Therapeutic Parenting?Therapy is defined as a way to get help with a mental health problem or get extra support if you're going through a tough time. In therapy, you learn skills to cope, to feel better and get help with the problem that you're having.So when we apply this concept to parenting, we are helping and supporting our children when they’re having a tough time. When you’re a preschooler, a tough time might be having trouble getting your shoes on or your brother looking at you funny, but when we look at it through a compassionate lens, we see that our kids are acting out their feelings (of frustration, anger, sadness, etc.) through their behavior.Someone who hits their brother is having a tough time. Someone who screams at their mom is having a tough time.While you are not your child’s therapist, you can recognize that when your child is struggling or misbehaving, they need support (not judgment, criticism or lecturing). You can learn to see your kid’s behavior as a form of communication.When you think to yourself, “This is a person who's having a tough time. This is pain. This is someone struggling,” you can take on the role of a compassionate witness. When you validate and identify your kid’s struggle and support them, they are more able to move through that negative emotion, feel stronger and solve problems. Challenges in Therapeutic ParentingAs my bestie told me all those years ago, this style of parenting is hard. There are some common challenges that I see come up often (and that I experienced myself).Challenge #1: This only works when you are calm. You can’t show up with compassion and patience if you are dysregulated yourself. When I realized this, I knew that I needed to improve the way that I took care of myself so that I could support my kids in this way. I spent more time by myself and started to do some healing work to deal with my own trauma. I simplified our home life, and brought in rhythms and routines that worked for our family. If you can set your life up in a way that gives you greater capacity for this emotional coaching and connected parenting, then your whole family will benefit.Challenge #2: Not knowing what to do after the big feelings pass.You’ll be amazed at the change you’ll see in your kids simply by getting comfortable with them riding out their big feeling cycles - they decrease in intensity, frequency and duration. But then what?This is not a permissive parenting model. So after the compassion and connection, we still need limits and impact-based consequences - just without the yelling, judgment and shame. We set clear limits and boundaries. And if those boundaries are crossed, we hold our kids accountable and ask them to repair whatever was damaged by their behavior. They have the opportunity to fix the problem.My Therapeutic Parenting HackAs I learned the therapeutic parenting model, along with many other tools, I felt like I needed to find a way to make it easier. This stuff is complicated, and it requires a lot from us as parents. I wanted to make this way of parenting more accessible for myself and, later, for the parents I was coaching. So I created the Calm Mama Process. I think of it as my therapeutic parenting hack. It’s a four-step process that includes:CALM: You can’t do anything until you are calm.CONNECT: Be the compassionate witness.LIMIT SET: State what is allowed in your home and under what conditions.CORRECT: Follow through with an impact

I see a lot of moms burnout by the end of the summer, and while this episode isn’t specifically about burnout, it is about our capacity as parents and what to do when you’re too tired to deal with what’s going on with your kids.As humans, we have limited capacity. Think of it like a 2-liter bottle. When the bottle is full, there isn’t capacity to add anything else to it. If it’s only half full, there is some space to add more liquid. When we think of this same concept in motherhood, it applies to all of the demands and pressures there are on us. Sometimes, we simply don’t have the capacity to take on any more. And if we have too much going on, it’s going to overflow.Today, I’ll give you some tools and tips on how to handle it when you don't have the amount of capacity that you wish you had, or you are not able to show up as the mom you want to be.My Therapeutic Parenting HackMy own parenting transformation began through working alongside my older son with an amazing therapist. She introduced me to the concept and tools of therapeutic parenting.This type of parenting requires a very high level of intention and self regulation. And the truth is that it just isn’t possible to parent this way all the time. The Calm Mama Process that I know teach and coach with is basically a therapeutic parenting hack. You calm yourself. You emotionally coach your kids. You're firm with your limits, let your kids make mistakes and let them experience the impact of their decisions with consequences.When You're Too Tired To DealEven with a simplified process, there are times when you know what to do and you still can’t do it. Your capacity is low and you just don’t have it in you. Maybe you’re busy. Maybe you have a big event or change happening in your life. Maybe you’re going through something emotional, grieving or healing. Maybe you’re ill or exhausted from parenting a newborn. Whatever it is, I want you to know that there are periods of time when you won’t have the capacity to parent the way you want to parent. You just can’t show up. And that’s okay. Here are some strategies to use to help you navigate that place.Strategy #1: Be honest with yourselfTake a close look at what’s going on for you. If you find yourself yelling at your kids, ignoring their big feeling cycles or being really permissive, realize that it probably means that you don’t have the capacity to show up in the way that you want to. Be honest with yourself in naming and labeling that feeling. Narrate back to yourself that you have low capacity, then go through and get clear on what you can and can’t do in that moment. Strategy #2: Be kind to yourselfAfter you get honest with yourself about what you do or don’t have capacity for, be kind with yourself about the answer.Accept where you are right now and remind yourself that it is temporary (all things are). If you want to serve cereal for dinner tonight, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to serve cereal every night for the rest of your kids’ lives. Remind yourself: This is where I’m at right now. This is what I can do. This is all I’ve got, and that’s okay. There’s no need for guilt or judgment toward yourself.Strategy #3: Communicate with kind compassionIf we want to hold our boundaries, we need to be able to communicate those limits and what our capacity is. Moms often wait to communicate how they’re feeling until they’re very angry, overwhelmed or frustrated and end up dumping that negative emotion on their kids. Then, boundaries often come out sounding fast, heated or harsh. I think this has a lot to do with not being honest with ourselves earlier on or giving ourselves permission to say no. We can communicate boundaries more slowly, with love and understanding of other people’s disappointment. You are allowed to say “no” to a request - whether it’s from your kid, partner or a friend. We often say yes when we really want to say no because we can’t handle the other person’s big feelings. The more you go outside of your boundaries, the more you’ll feel bitter and resentful towards your kids or partner.It is okay for people to be angry with you, even though it can be hard to accept. You're not actually responsible for other people's feelings, and you don’t have to go outside of your capacity to make sure other people are happy. It's okay to feel burned out right now, it's okay to say no and it's okay not to have capacity. If you don't want to take your kids to the mall, don't. If you don't want to read books, don't. If you don't have the patience to ride a big feeling cycle, don't. I want for you to have a lot more grace, kindness and love towards yourself. I want you to take excellent care of yourself so that you have capacity later.You’ll Learn:How my own parenting transformation beganWhat to do when other people aren’t happy with your boundariesHow to use neutral listening when you don’t have the capacity to handle your kid’s big

It’s summer - kids are off school, they’re spending more time together and you’re probably seeing a lot more sibling squabbles and fights. And it’s frustrating, right? You spend all this time thinking of fun activities and outings, you do the planning and prepping. Then, when you get them to the location, they’re fighting, arguing and bickering. I know that this is a problem for most parents, especially in the summer months, so this episode is meant to help you understand why it’s happening (which is a game-changer all on its own) and give you more clarity when you go to solve the problems.Why Kids Fight More in the SummerI don’t know about you, but when I understand why something is happening, it frees me from the feelings of guilt and responsibility and helps me think clearly about possible solutions.In general, kids have less capacity to self-regulate and manage their emotions in the summer, and there are quite a few reasons for this. There’s less routine and a different pace and rhythm to their days. When they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing at any given time, it shows up in their behavior. Extra downtime in the summer also leads to boredom. When kids don’t know what to do with that unstructured time, they get restless and dysregulated.Summer is more physical than the school year, too. During school, they spend more time indoors, sitting and learning. In the summer, they use their bodies a lot more, which is amazing and also exhausting. And let’s not forget about travel. We tend to place pretty high expectations on our kids when it comes to long car rides or lines to stand in at the airport, amusement park or museum. There’s a lot of waiting around, and this also feeds into the boredom and dysregulation.Another factor in summer behavior is the way they connect with you. During the school year, there are rhythms to this, too. There’s predictability and you probably have some time built in where you connect with each kid one-on-one. When this gets thrown off in the summer, our kids are missing that one-on-one connection. They miss us even though we’re spending so much time together. At the same time, we are spending SO much time together, that we get burned out on each other. The way this all shows up is that when a kid feels restless or uncomfortable, they dump that discomfort onto their sister or brother. It’s a coping strategy they’re using to try to balance out or express some emotion. It's a way to get some stimulation if they're bored. It's a way to get connection if they're feeling disconnected. It's a way to express their discomfort or frustration. Typical Responses to Sibling FightingWhat most parents tend to do is ignore the behavior until it escalates. Then, all of a sudden you have a huge problem. You yell, you threaten and create extra stress in the situation. This might work in the short term, but it’s kinda like putting a lid on a boiling pot of water - it will boil over again. Another common strategy I see is protecting the victim. This often looks like shaming the kid who was hurting or poking at the other kid. The problem with this is that you’re creating even more disconnection with the aggressor. Consequencing everyone in the fight also tends to create more problems. Sometimes the conflict isn’t about all the children. It may be one kid who needs a limit or more connection. If you take away privileges for everyone, it makes the impact of one person’s behavior impact everybody, and you’re not addressing the emotional need of the kid who is creating the conflict. What your kids are seeking in misbehavior is regulation and support. They want to feel better. They need some help.What I want for you is to be able to pay attention and provide guidance, rather than checking out emotionally, disconnecting or jumping in and solving all their problems for them. It’s a fine balance.A Better Way to Deal with Summer Sibling SquabblesFirst, I want to say that you cannot take on every problem. It’s exhausting, and it’s not serving your kids. So when you do intervene, I want you to intervene in a way that is actually helpful, solves the emotional situation and helps your kids feel better so that they show up better.The foundation here is this: Pay attention, but be slow to intervene. Look at the behavior. What is happening between these people? What is this conflict even about? Then ask yourself what they need. Do they all need some support, or is it one kid who needs a limit? Look for clues before you respond.When you decide to intervene, start with the Connection Tool. Narrate what you see, name the emotion and set a limit. If they're able to be calm and talk to you, you can guide them through a conversation about the conflict, as long as they both speak kindly and one at a time. Narrate and name the situation. Then ask them what&

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track.Why Your Summer SucksWe have a lot of ideas about what summer will be like, and then we get into it. We’re completely out of our regular rhythm, we’re spending a lot more time with our kids and they’re spending a lot more time with us and each other. And summer doesn’t feel so easy anymore. Before you can reset, it helps to understand what the actual problems are that you’re facing. Then, we can solve for them. Here are some top reasons you might be feeling like your summer sucks right now. Weather. When it’s hot, humid and sticky out, people get grumpy. When we’re physically uncomfortable, it’s harder to regulate our emotions. Your kids are fighting all the time. Your kids are spending a ton of time together, so you start to see patterns where they’re bickering, picking on each other or just annoyed with each other all the time. (Come back next week for an episode all about summer and siblings.)Your kids are resistant to summer camp. We think of summer camp as being so much fun for our kids, but it is still a lot of work for them - being physical, spending time outside and being in new social groups can be hard. If they hate it or resist it and are crying and having big feeling cycles everyday, it can feel really frustrating for you.Your kids are missing school and their friends. There’s a rhythm and predictability to school that helps kids feel safe. Kids know where they’re supposed to be and what they’re supposed to be doing. And they have their school friends, who aren’t always available to them in the summer, so they might feel a bit lonely, too. Expectations. Kids create a “Disneyland” version of summer in their minds (and so do we). They want the fun, the freedom and the all-summer vacation feeling. But the reality is that you’re still going to tell them to eat their veggies, clean up, take a bath and go to bed. Those unmet expectations of nonstop fun can lead to disappointment and grumpy moods.Sleep (or lack thereof). Sleep is whacked in the summer. You want to let kids stay up late to do fun things, but then they wake up even earlier. Tired kids are grumpy kids, and the tiredness often shows up as adrenaline, so they’re running wild.Junk food. We tend to give our kids a lot more treats and quick, easy snacks in the summer. So while they get a quick burst of energy, they then burn out pretty quickly. Even if they’re not hungry, their brain starts to crave more of that energy from sugar or fast carbs, rather than foods that stay and sustain energy longer in their bodies. Screens. Lots of kids have extra screen time in the summer. There are a lot more hours to fill. And this isn’t wrong. But what happens is that they often end up feeling more grumpy and dissatisfied afterwards. Do A Summer ResetDon’t get me wrong, there are a lot of fun things about summer. But you’re much more likely to enjoy them when everyone is pretty well regulated. Here are some strategies to get your family back on track.Build back some rhythm. This is a great strategy if you feel out of balance with sleep, food or screens. There are no fast rules about what these limits should be. If you had a pretty good rhythm for this during the school year, start by having a day or two each week where you go back to your old routine. You might choose a day where you focus on your routine around meals or have an at-home night so you can get back into your evening and bedtime routine. Get a break. Go do something fun without your kids. Plan a mom’s night out, get a babysitter for a date night or do a kid swap with another mom so you both get a little time off. Do some things to take care of yourself.Plan a “breathe-in day”. Summer is busy. There’s a lot of movement and energy and stimulation (the breathing out). A breathe-in day lets you chill and recharge. Think about easy, quiet activities like going to the library or to a movie or throwing a stuffed animal party. Check your mindset. When you have a day or a week this summer that’s not going great and you're feeling super grumpy, I want you to actually process that negative emotion. I call this Calm Mama Thinking. Reset your mind to the thoughts that you want to have, so you can feel the feeling you want to have. Step 1: Do a thought dump. List out what you’re feeling and why. Let yourself vent and be frustrated. Step 2: Think about what feeling you are chasing. How do you want to feel instead? Step 3: Do a thought swap. What thoughts do you need to think in order to feel the way you want to feel? The mindset will help you sh

Traveling with kids can feel more like a business trip than a vacation sometimes. You get excited for a break and a change of scenery, but you’re not necessarily off duty when it comes to parenting. In this episode, I’m sharing why vacation feels like so much work sometimes and my top 5 tips for vacationing with kids.Why Is It So Hard?Your ExpectationsOften, when we plan a trip, we think of it in its most idyllic way. We anticipate that it will be lovely and fun and relaxing. We can’t wait for the adventure, the squeals of fun and laughter. Then, reality hits. You’re taking your actual children with you on this trip (not some imaginary unicorn children you made up in your mind).Maybe things fall apart pretty quickly, you start to feel discouraged and think things like, “This always happens,” or “They’re going to ruin our vacation.”Your expectation of how things “should” go is different from the everyday, but the behavior struggles and emotional dysregulation are the same. Emotional Dysregulation When you go on a trip, you’re also taking your kid out of their normal rhythm and routine, so even if it’s really fun the situation will likely cause some stress for them.Excitement can cause dysregulation. Basically, when our emotions go faster than our nervous system can handle, we get thrown off balance.Add long lines, bad weather, sitting for long periods of time, sleeping in new places. possible time zone changes and all sorts of new food to the mix, and you’re facing quite a few challenges.Big Feeling CyclesKids cry a lot and have a lot of big feeling cycles, whether you’re at home or on a trip. Their emotions are not on vacation. The location or the circumstance isn't what triggers their behavior. It's actually their thoughts and feelings that trigger their behavior. Even in what seems like a fun situation, kids can have thoughts that trigger feelings like disappointment, frustration or jealousy, so they end up complaining, pouting or shoving their sibling.When behaviors come up, many parents are quick to make threats, criticize or overparent in an attempt to get the vacation back on track. But while these approaches might work in the short term, they’re not long-term solutions and may suck even more of the fun out of your vacation.Tips for Vacationing With KidsThe tips I’m sharing today are meant to get you out of the command-threat model and help you know how to handle behaviors and situations that come up.MindsetDecide what you want to think and feel on your vacation. We often spend a lot of time planning specific activities but don’t take the time to think about what feelings we are chasing. Why are you going on this trip? How do you want to feel while you are there? What memories do you want to capture?Your memories will reflect the way you felt while you were on vacation. You might look back at the pictures and look so happy, but you won't remember feeling happy because you actually weren't.Here are a few of my favorite thoughts you can borrow to shift your feelings:Wow. They’re really immature (and they’re supposed to be).They’re really struggling right now.This is a temporary moment.My kid’s just having some big feelings.I really love my children.Pause When You’re MadWhen you find yourself activated, overwhelmed, angry or frustrated or in any other negative emotion that you don't wanna be feeling on your vacation, I invite you to pause and reset.You want to reset both the stress response in your body and the thoughts in your mind. Move your body to get out some of the stress juice. Take a deep breath, shake your hands, jump up and down, put some lip balm on, stand up or get a drink of water. You can also try putting your hand over your heart as a form of compassion and comfort for yourself. To reset my mind, I like to do a mini thought dump. Recognize and validate the emotion you are feeling and the thoughts you have. Then think about how you DO want to feel. What do you need to think in order to feel that way? This is the mindset shift.Be a Flexible LeaderYour leadership is even more important for your family when you’re traveling than when you’re at home. As the leader, I want you to feel entitled to change your mind, to decide that maybe something isn't going well and to switch gears. It's okay if something doesn't go as planned. It's okay to skip a planned activity or leave early because if you keep your kids well rested, well fed and give them enough big body movement, they're gonna have more ability to regulate themselves at the next adventure or activity. Your kid's behavior will improve when you can do this with calm confidence. The kids will feel that the grown-ups around them are in charge and are taking care of things, and this helps them to feel safe. Step into that leadership energy.Connect Before You CorrectWhat most parents tend to do when they see misbehavior is to try to fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. Bu

There is a trend in families right now to be more compassionate with their kids. I love it. But compassion is not the same as permission. There’s a big difference, and the two approaches create different results. In this episode I’ll explain the difference between compassion and permission in parenting, why you might find yourself slipping into permissive parenting and how to get out of that pattern. Benefits of CompassionBehavior is driven by emotion. When your kid misbehaves, they are acting out something that they’re feeling inside. There are lots of ways to cope with our feelings, and some of them harm others or ourselves. These harmful coping strategies happen when a person is uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to do with their feelings. They don’t know how to process them in a healthy, safe way.When we experience and show compassion, we recognize how someone else is feeling and acknowledge that their feeling is valid. I believe deeply that we can give our kids the tools of emotional health by helping them name their feelings. When we show up with compassion, we let our kids know that we understand their feelings and help them figure out what to do with them. Why Permissive Parenting HappensWith this trend toward compassion, we’re also seeing a lot of parents who aren’t setting boundaries or following through with any sort of consequences. This is when we cross the line into permissive parenting. Often, this happens because parents are simply confused and don’t know what to DO. They get through the feelings part, but then what? They don’t know how to set limits while still validating feelings. They’re not sure how to deliver consequences without shaming their kids. You might also feel like you’re being mean for following through on consequences or feel overwhelmed by your kid’s discomfort. Maybe you don’t know how to handle their big feelings. Many moms in our society hold themselves to extremely high standards that don’t leave room for you to emotionally regulate yourself, which leads to reactivity in your parenting.Or you might find yourself giving in because you just want things to feel easier in this moment. But rescuing is a short-term solution, and solving your kid’s problems for them ends up hurting them in the long run. If you see yourself in these scenarios, you are not alone! There are strategies you can learn to regulate your own emotions, connect with your child, set clear limits and follow through on consequences without shame and blame.How to Parent With Compassion and BoundariesThe antidote to permissive parenting is validating the feelings, not the behavior.The approach I teach is a feelings-first model, but it is not feelings-only. We address feelings first and behavior second.When a behavior arises, approach it from a place of curiosity. How is the child feeling? What feeling is driving this behavior?Narrate what you see, guess at the emotion behind it and validate their feelings. This is where parents often stop with gentle parenting, but the work isn’t done yet.Next, you talk to your kid about the impact of the behavior and what they can do to make things right (aka consequences).When there are no consequences, kids don’t feel personally responsible for their own behavior.The truth is that letting your kid feel the impact of their actions is a good thing. We want our kids to be emotionally healthy AND we want them to be personally responsible and to understand that their behavior has an impact. Our kids need to learn to deal with their feelings, recognize that their behavior has an impact on others, and make things right when they make a mistake.Through this process, they develop a strong self-concept and know that when they make a mistake, they can fix it. As compassionate parents, we're gonna validate the emotions. We're gonna set limits and follow through on them. We're gonna be okay with our kids' discomfort. And we're gonna take really good care of ourselves so that we have more capacity for compassion. In my programs, I teach you how to manage your feelings and know what to do when you’re upset so that you don't lose your shit and feel terrible. I teach you how to emotionally coach your kids so they learn how to manage their own feelings. I also teach you to use the Limit Setting Formula and a kind and effective way to follow through on consequences that isn't bribing, threatening, or punishing. You can talk to me directly and ask your questions so you get support on the exact behaviors you’re working through in your family. Learn more here.You’ll Learn:The difference between behavior-first and feelings-first models of parentingThe problem with permissive parenting and why it happensStrategies to hold boundaries and deliver consequences in a compassionate wayExamples of neutral consequencesPrevious Episodes:Episode 12: When Your Child Is Aggressive: The “Hard No”Free Resources:Get your copy of the

This episode is coming out on the day of my oldest son’s high school graduation. I’ve been thinking, writing and feeling a LOT of feelings lately. And some of what came out was a poem that I’d like to share with you, titled A Very Long Goodbye. You can hear it in the episode or read it on the blog.My son is about to arrive at the threshold. We’ve been walking this path together for a really long time, and our relationship is about to change. If you are also in this place of transition, this episode is for you.Preparing Your Child for AdulthoodI like to think about what it means to be an adult as having all the freedom and all the responsibility at the same time.When kids are little, they don’t have a lot of freedom or responsibility. You have the power and you are taking care of them.As you parent your kids, you’re teaching them how to be responsible - with their bodies, their physical wellbeing, their social life, their finances and a ton of other practical things.And as they learn, you slowly give them pieces of freedom. The two are tethered together.As freedom increases, responsibility also increases. When we are parenting a child, we have a lot of control over their environment and circumstances. In the teen years, we start to lose a lot of this control. They begin to make more of their own decisions about what they do and how they show up in the world. I like to challenge parents instead of doubling down on trying to regain that control, double down on the relationship with your child. Get to know who they are becoming. That connection is what will be left when they walk through that threshold from childhood to adulthood.The End of ParentingParenting is a verb. It is the actions we take when we’re raising our kids. The things we do in order to help them learn to handle the responsibility of being an adult. We teach our kids with the idea that someday they won’t need us anymore. Ultimately, you should parent yourself out of a job.Parents sometimes forget that their job of parenting ends when their child becomes an adult. And I think it’s because we confuse the role of parent with the responsibility for parenting.Adults don’t parent other adults. Soon, life will give consequences to my son, not me.The tasks of parenting will end. Being a parent will not.I am a mom. You are a mom. That relationship we have with our kids doesn’t end, even though the act of parenting does.What Comes NextI sometimes think about being a mom as being invited to be in the front row, the best seat in the house, to the best show on earth, which is your kid's life. It's a privilege, it's an honor. And I don't know about you, but I want to continue to have that front row view. We're going to keep showing up. We're going to keep inviting them in.It's so easy as a parent to see all the areas that our kid isn't performing well or showing up in a good way. But if your adult kid feels like every time they're around you that you're just parenting and teaching and pointing out stuff, it will feel kind of bad. They don’t want to be scrutinized.They want to be in a relationship with someone who's delighted by them and sees their strengths and all the ways that they are good.My goal for you is that your kid grows up, and they want to be in a relationship with you because that relationship feels so safe. They feel seen and understood. You unconditionally love and accept who they are.When everything is said and done, when they walk through that threshold and they step onto the path of their own life, what’s left is the relationship.Cheers to all of you parents going through transitions right now. I’m in it with you. I’m here for you.You’ll Learn:The relationship between freedom and responsibilityThe difference between parenting and being a parentMy ultimate goal for you and your kidsFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

“Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” is a phrase I use often in my coaching. When you say it out loud, it captures that feeling we have as parents when our kids behave in a way that leaves us feeling overwhelmed, angry or worried. It’s an emotional and physical response to what our kids are doing, and our brain jumps in and tries to fix, change, stop or solve the situation.Your Kid’s Big FeelingsThe most common time I see parents experience this reaction is during a Big Feeling Cycle. When your kid has big feelings, they might express them in ways that are overwhelming to you. The tendency is often to try to shut down their behavior. But because that behavior is a reaction to how they’re feeling, we end up shutting down their feelings, too.The problem with jumping in to fix/change/stop/solve is that you miss an opportunity to connect with your kids and to help them connect with themselves and learn how to process their own negative emotion.What “Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” looks LikeHere are some things I see parents do when they don’t like the way their child is expressing their emotion.Minimizing. When our kids are upset, we want to say, “Oh honey, it’s not that big of a deal. It’ll work out.” This sounds like a nice thing to say, but your child is left feeling like you don’t understand. It feels like a really big deal to them. We want to validate the emotion and acknowledge the intensity of their feelings instead of minimizing it. Comparing. This looks like, “This sort of thing happens all the time,” or, “Other kids don’t complain about this,” or “This wasn’t a big deal to your brother.” It happens when you think their feelings aren’t warranted or justified. We’re trying to get them to think and feel differently but, again, we’re doing it by shutting down their feelings. Ignoring. There might be times when you need to take a break to calm yourself before dealing with a situation. Ignoring is different. This is another way of shutting your kid down, and it makes them feel unheard, unfelt, unseen and unvaluable. Your child might think, “Mom only wants to talk to me when I’m happy.”Talking about their feelings is how they’ll learn to deal with them. Weaponizing gratitude. Gratitude is an incredible emotion. I love it. Weaponizing gratitude is when we use it to bypass negative emotion. You cannot get rid of sadness by thinking grateful thoughts. We have to feel the sadness (or anger or worry) and acknowledge it before we allow the brain to find another perspective. Indulging. Sometimes, you might try to change the circumstance to make your kid feel better. Maybe you tell them they can skip practice or promise to go get ice cream afterwards. Instead of letting them feel upset, indulging tries to give them a positive feeling so they forget about the uncomfortable feeling. Logic-ing. This looks like giving lots of facts, trying to logic them out of their feelings or explaining why the situation is their fault. Facts are facts, but giving people more information doesn’t solve feelings. We can’t think our way to a new feeling. We have to feel our way through it. Shutting down. When your emotion (anger, fear, sadness) gets bigger or more intense than your child’s, it’s common to try to shut them down. You have a big reaction to their big feelings. This often shows up as yelling or other big noises or movements to try to shift your kid’s behavior. It triggers fear, freeze or faint response or people-pleasing. It might work in the short-term, but it isn’t effective in helping your child become an emotionally healthy and self-regulated person.What your child actually needs from you is co-regulation. They need help soothing their big feelings. They need somebody to recognize and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.I know you might be thinking, “Oh no, I do all of these things.” Believe me when I tell you that I am so familiar with them because I’ve done them all myself. We do these things with the best of intentions. We want to protect our kids and ourselves. There’s no need for guilt. It’s an opportunity to notice what you are doing and try a different approach.What to Do with Big FeelingsHere are a few alternate strategies to try. Take them one at a time (not all at once) and see what works. Name  it. Help your child name the feeling. This is a huge part of emotional literacy, which is made up of: I know what I’m feeling. I know how to talk about it. I know what to do with the feeling.Move it. Rhythmic body movement regulates our nervous system. It brings our brain back to balance and lessens the intensity of the emotion.Show it. Ask your child to act out their feeling. How big is it? They can show you with their  face, their body, on paper or with a toy. This helps take something that feels really complicated on the inside and puts in on the outside.Describe it. What color is the feeling? Is it heav

We don’t often talk about fun ways of improving behavior, but today’s episode will give you some strategies to do just that. I’m talking all about how to be a more playful parent so that you actually enjoy your kids more.We also all want to feel connected and create joyful memories with our kids. The moments we remember most are the ones that were emotionally charged. The memories aren’t about where you are or what you’re doing. They’re about how you FEEL. How do you want to feel this summer? Do you want to feel joy? Delight? Do you want to create memories that are filled with laughter and positive emotions?If so, you’re going to want to chase play and decide in advance that you want to feel more joy. Playful ParentingGood memories happen when we are enjoying our kids. when we stop trying to get things done and instead be in the moment and just sit and enjoy something with them.Being playful doesn’t require that you crawl on the ground playing with cars, dolls or building blocks. If you enjoy doing that, great! If you don’t, it doesn’t mean you can’t be a playful parent.Being playful is more of an energy. You might be quick to smile, think delightful thoughts about your kids or notice something silly.As adults, we are so focused on tasks, time and productivity. Kids don’t care about time. They only care about play. So if we can bring a little bit more playful emotion and energy into a scenario, it goes a long way.Benefits of PlayfulnessSupports learning and growthThrough play, kids try and fail. They explore, create and develop mastery. If you have a kid who has a tendency toward perfectionism or is a bit more strict with themselves, bringing in a little silliness frees them (and you). They don’t have to do everything “right” because there are no rules in playfulness.BehaviorWe get so serious about behavior sometimes. I talk a lot about limits, boundaries and consequences. But when our goals are for life to be easier, for things to go smoother and to have more joy and fun in our lives, play is a great way to do it.When you’re playful, you’re close and in connection with your kid. It makes them feel safer and in a better mood.  Processing negative emotionsPlay is also helpful for releasing emotional distress for some kids. It isn’t about discounting their feelings, but more about testing to see if they’re open to a smile or a giggle. Playfulness can be the release valve that turns tears into laughter, which is also a great way to process negative emotion.AttentionWhen you’re playful, it naturally brings your kid’s attention to you, which gives you an opportunity to set your limit or say whatever it is you want them to hear. Your kids are craving for you to play with them. They are craving your joy. They're craving your delight. They can't wait to see you at the end of the school day. They want your eyeballs on them.We love being in connection with our people, and our kids want that, too.11 Ways to Be a More Playful ParentFollow giggles and smilesNotice when your kids are smiling or giggling and come alongside and join in that playful energy. Be exaggeratedIt’s hard not to smile when you see someone being goofy. Singing, pretending to fall, pretending they’re really strong or doing a silly dance are all great ways to make kids giggle (or roll their eyes if they’re a little older 🙄).We want to watch the line here so we don’t cross over into mocking. But you can join in with them in a funny voice, going alongside their emotion and making it a little lighter. The key is to be attuned to their emotions and whether or not they want to engage in this way. Simon SaysThis is a great one to move your morning or evening along. Remember that the goal of these games is connection and positive emotion between you and your kid, not manipulating them into compliance.Simon Says is also a great attention grabber once your child is familiar with it. Kids get really distracted, and this can help bring them back to what they’re supposed to be doing. Freeze TagRun around and play tag. If you get tagged, you have to freeze for 5 or 10 seconds.Walk Like a ______Call out an animal for kids to move like on their way to the bathroom or wherever you want them to go.Gamify Everyday ThingsA few examples of this are, “Hey everybody, let’s see if we can beat this song - Finish breakfast and get our socks and shoes on before the song ends!” Or, “Yesterday, you put your shoes on in 20 seconds. Let’s see if you can do 18 today!”Mystery itemPut some items on a tray and cover them up. Have kids take turns guessing. They can hide items for you, too.Love notesWrite a little love note or draw a heart on a slip of paper and casually drop it as you walk by. This is a great way to create appreciation, love and gratitude.Pillow “fights”Pillow fights or stuffed animal fights can be a great way to get some of that big body movement out before bed. Kid sandwich or burritoImagine a san

On this episode of Become A Calm Mama, we’re going beyond the problems with modern motherhood from last week’s episode and into the details of parenting on your own terms. There is a lot of pressure to fit into society’s expectations, but the way we’re told to measure performance in motherhood can actually be harmful to our kids and to us as moms. The goal isn’t to “perform” as a mom or to prove to others that you’re a “good” mom. This is what leads us to burnout, overwhelm and guilt.Instead, I want to help you prioritize your child's emotional health, focus on building strong relationships with them and create a family and community that aligns with your values. Parenting FearsThere is a lot of fear and worry in parenting. Things like…I don't want my kid to grow up and not like me, not like themselves or not be liked by others.I don’t want my kid to not know how to be in the world or how to be successful. My kid isn’t going to be okay.To alleviate our fears, we often try to do everything “right”.We think that if we do everything perfectly, our kids won't experience pain or discomfort. They won't have any negative experiences, and you will have done your job as a mom. But that's not how the world works. You cannot prevent pain or discomfort. Your job as a parent is to give your kids the tools to navigate negative emotions and negative circumstances when (not if) they happen. And one of the best ways we can do this is by letting them know they’re okay exactly as they are.Parenting On Your TermsRather than parenting from fear, let’s parent from a place of leadership. The first step to parenting on your own terms is deciding for yourself what is important to you.I frame my parenting experience in terms of three goals:My kids’ emotional health and wellbeingMy relationship with my kidsMy own mental and emotional wellbeingSo when I make parenting decisions or decisions about how we spend our resources (i.e. time, money and energy), I always look at them through these three lenses. There are times that I’ve had to drop some expectations on fitting in or showing up in a certain way in order to protect my kids’ emotional health or my relationship with them or my own mental wellbeing. Sometimes, this looks selfish from the outside.But it also allows me to go back to what matters to our family. The goals I’ve chosen for myself help me to look at a situation and ask, “Where are my kids right now, and what do they need help and support with?” External v. Internal ValidationThere are all these external ways that society judges our performance as moms. Things like your kids getting good grades, being kind to everyone, dressing well, being athletic, creative or funny.These are things that society and our communities value. The reward is fitting in, being able to obtain resources and favors and connections because we (and our kids) show up in a way that is socially acceptable. And if you don’t perform in these ways, there is a cost.The fear of not being accepted or our kids not being accepted brings up major insecurities, and it can feel really scary to choose our goals over these social norms because we may not be accepted.The problem is that when you work really hard at earning that social capital and acceptance, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and on your kids to perform at a certain level.We’re afraid of how our kids’ emotional health will be affected by not being accepted. But true emotional wellbeing is internal. It comes from deep self love. What your child really needs from you is to feel unconditional acceptance from their parent. Inoculate them from social harm by giving them the belief that they are okay exactly as they are.When you find yourself comparing your kid to some standard in your head, it is an opportunity to pause, reset and reframe back to your standards and what is important to you.Selfishness in ParentingThe underlying message we’re trying to avoid giving our kids is that they have to conform in order to be acceptable. They need to change in order for people to like them. They need to be better in order to be worthy.And if we don’t want our kids to get that message, we have to get rid of it for ourselves, too.It requires us to heal and gives us the opportunity to work out some of our own insecurities. In our society, women are rewarded for being sacrificial. We are given social capital if we show up in this way. And, unfortunately, we sometimes have to choose to give up some of this social credit or validation in order to gain emotional health. But taking care of your own wellbeing is the way you teach your kids to take care of themselves.You get to decide what's most important to you as a mom, and you get to make decisions based on those things. And yes, there might be some cost to it, but in the long term, the best thing you can give your child is that they like themselves. And you can give them that gift.You’ll

Why are modern moms so burned out? What is the problem with modern motherhood that has us feeling overwhelmed, inadequate and guilty?In this episode, I’m talking about the big picture and the expectations around motherhood to help you understand why you feel so overwhelmed. Because it's not just that your kid is spitting out their food or not cleaning up their room or didn't put their shoes on or got a bad grade or hit their friend or did something wrong at school. That's not actually why we're so overwhelmed. We have created a dynamic in our society where the expectations are too high on moms.Guilt in MotherhoodI’ve had a few conversations recently with moms about guilt. May is a crazy month when it comes to kids. There are extra activities and school events that parents are expected to be at. Some of these pop up last minute or happen in the middle of the workday.Of course, you get to feel sad if you’re missing something, but there’s this other layer of guilt that seems to come along with it. And I think this is often where the burnout and overwhelm begin. Unrealistic expectations lead to sadness and guilt. Then, we criticize ourselves for feeling that way. And we don’t take the time to process any of those negative emotions, so they kinda hang around. Our society has created an ideal mother and a dream of motherhood that has been presented to us primarily through social media. And the standards just keep getting more and more intense. Unrealistic Expectations in MotherhoodIn modern society, as a mom, you're responsible for SO MUCH, and it wasn’t always this way. EducationModern moms get the story that your child's education and academic achievement is on your plate. Parents have been told that there's an ideal standard that you should strive for. And if you don't strive for it, you aren't helping your kid reach their potential.If you didn’t get them into the “right” school and you're not doing homework with them and reading with them every night and monitoring their schoolwork and checking their grades, then that means you're not a good mom.Previous generations didn’t have access to most of this information. But now that we do have access, it becomes our responsibility to monitor it.Most parents are not child development experts or teachers, but we’re expected to know and do all this stuff anyway.FoodYou know the story…feed your kids healthy foods, watch their sugar, have family dinners, but also only feed your kids things they like.We feel bad because our kids like junk food, but they’re offered it all the time. And then if you don’t want them to have junk, you get labeled as “that mom”. It’s too much to manage. We can’t compete with our society all the time. ScreensThe same thing happens with screens. Everyone is telling you not to let your kids do too much screen time, but no one is telling us what is too much and there are all these other “rules” we’re supposed to follow when they do use screens.Our kids love screens because they’re fun and interesting and great. And you know what? So do we.Setting limits and boundaries around screens is a challenge on its own, and then they bring tablets and Chromebooks home from school anyway.All the activitiesWe’re already trying to balance academics, education, diet and screen time. But they shouldn’t just do school! Kids should also…Play sports to develop social skills and leadership and move their bodies.Do something creative, like art or music.Have some kind of religious education (if your family is religious).Learn another language, especially if you speak a language other than English in your family. But then your kids don’t have time to play and you find yourselves overscheduled and doing too much. 😭😭😭But when the pressure to do things is so intense, how are you supposed to opt out?Self CareI want you to take excellent care of yourself, move your body and see your friends. But the message we often receive is that you should prioritize yourself, but also get everything else done - work, making appointments, tidy up, volunteer at school, drive your kids around, organize your house, feed your family healthy food and get them to bed. WorkThere’s also the idea that working is helpful, so if you love work (or need to work), you should…But don’t work too much or your kids will feel neglected. So you better do it right and find the right balance.Gentle ParentingThis is a new one in the last 20 years or so, and I do teach gentle, connected parenting. But sometimes the message becomes that you are supposed to not just manage everything, but you’re never supposed to be unhappy about it. You’re being told to let your kids have all the temper tantrums and big feelings, but you don’t get to express any of yours. I teach you to manage your nervous system in the midst of misbehavior. Then, set limits so that you’re not permissive. Teach your kids how to express their feelings within a limit. We w

As we move through the journey of motherhood, the way we experience Mother’s Day, and what we need from it, changes. Today, I’m reflecting on my own experience of how Mother’s Day changes over time and connecting to different stages of motherhood. Different stages of parenting are challenging in different ways. When they’re younger, what we want most might just be a break from our kids, but as they get older we might crave more time with them.Very early on, I realized that I wanted to create a day that worked best for me, so I started to create an intentional Mother's Day. And I want to give you permission (and tools) to create whatever it is that you want for your Mother's Day experience.Mother’s Day Over TimeMy oldest son, Lincoln, is almost 19 years old. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, including thinking back to the past 18 Mother’s Days I’ve experienced. My needs have changed over the period of time that I've been a mom. And what the caregiving to my kids looked like had a lot to do with what my emotional needs were at that time. And I can look back at the different Mother's Day choices that I've made and I can see how those different needs showed up. When I first became a mom, it was really important to me to create some sort of family dynamic. I wanted to have this idyllic version of our family. I wanted to create a cherished memory on Mother’s Day, and I was trying to create this Instagram-worthy Mother’s Day that I had in my mind (before the actual days of Instagram).A few years in, I realized that this Mother’s Day thing wasn’t working for me. I wasn’t getting my needs met. So, I started to think about what I actually wanted and needed out of this day? How did I want to feel? In those early years, I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to shop, get a cup of coffee, lay in bed and be in my house by myself. And I know it might feel strange to you to have a Mother’s Day where you don’t spend time with your kids, but if they’re little, you might be spending a LOT of time with them every other day. Once the kids were in school, I started to notice that I was really craving time with my friends, with other mothers. So maybe we’d do something as a family in the morning, and I’d go have coffee or dinner with friends.I also noticed that I wanted to be more active, doing things like going for hikes or to the beach. I wanted to get outside and move my body. There was also a season when I wanted to spend time with each kid alone on Mother’s Day.And as my kids got into middle school, I started to notice that my experience of Mother’s Day, and motherhood in general, was a little bit less about my needs because my needs were already being met pretty well.This year, I want to go on an adventure and do something totally different with my teenagers. We spend less time as a full family lately. Our kids have jobs and school and social lives. I want us all to be together just having fun.I share all of this not because you need to do the same things that I did, but because sometimes as moms, we’re not even tuned in to what it is we want and need.If you had a whole day to do whatever you wanted, what would that look like?Your answer will give clues to what kinds of activities you’re craving or missing. Mother’s Day BoundariesNow I’m guessing you are not the only mother in your life. Maybe your own mother, mother-in-law or other women close to you are celebrating Mother’s Day, too, and they want you to be a part of it. This becomes a little complicated once you’re a mom yourself. It’s hard to satisfy your own needs AND you mom’s needs. My maybe unpopular opinion…The person who is currently raising children should have dibs on Mother’s Day. You can celebrate with your mom or mother-in-law on Saturday or next weekend. This might be hard. You might feel guilty. But I want you to feel like you have the right to take excellent care of yourself in whatever way you need and want. You’re not responsible for designing the perfect Mother’s Day for your mother. You can advocate for yourself and find a solution that will work for everyone.What I don’t want is for you to make it work for everyone but you. I don't want you to spend Mother's Day celebrating and honoring everybody, all the other mothers, and then not and not honoring yourself. It is 100% okay for you to say, I'm tired and I have some needs here. I'm lonely and I have some needs here. I'm bored and I have some needs here. And use Mother's Day as a way to get those needs met.I wish you the most precious Mother’s Day. I hope that you fill your cup and have a really wonderful, intentional day. Decide what you want, ask for it and make it happen.You’ll Learn:How our needs as moms change over timeQuestions to figure out what your ideal Mother’s Day looks likeHow to balance your wishes for Mother’s Day with celebrating your own mother (or the other mothers in your life)Previous Episodes:Episode 14 - How To En

Today I'm tackling the topic of screens, screen time limits, devices, all of it. And I am going to help you feel better about your kids’ device use. This is a master class on managing screens in your family. So grab a pen and paper and get ready.Let’s be honest - we all love screens. I love lots of things, like nature, my friends, my kids, my dogs. And I really like being on my phone and watching TV. But the fact that our kids also love devices drives us crazy as parents. We know devices are fun for them, but we’re annoyed when they won’t put them down. We worry about them getting too much screen time, and we don’t like the way they act when it’s time to stop. Why Screens Are HardI see a lot of parents that are really worried that their child is addicted to screens. They ask for device time frequently, and then they don’t want to stop. We use this as evidence that they’re addicted. Parents also have conflicting feelings around screen time, which can be really confusing. We feel compassion because they want to connect with their friends and have something to do. But then we feel guilty because we don’t know if we’re doing the right thing or how much screen time is too much.When you’re feeling worried, frustrated, annoyed, guilty and confused, you aren’t going to make the clearest decisions. What We All Want When it Come to ScreensWhen it comes to our goal for parenting with screens, I’m guessing that you want your family to feel balanced and connected to each other. You want screen time to be a part of your life, but not completely consuming your life. You don't want it to be everything your kids do.I bet you also want there to be less fighting when you say no to screen time or when it’s time to stop. And you also probably want to feel really clear about your rules around screens and to see that it is possible to implement them with more ease.5 Obstacles Parents Face Around Screen TimeYou judge your kid’s desire for the deviceWhen they ask for screen time, you feel upset by their desire. The truth is, we all love our devices, and screens are an easy way for the brain to be entertained or distracted. It helps us get rid of that uncomfortable bored feeling. Their inability to put down the device on their own does not mean your kid is lazy, unmotivated or anything else. Video games and social media are designed to keep the viewer engaged and keep them coming back. The pull of the device is natural.Thinking your kid is “addicted”This is one that I hear a lot. Not only is it not true in the vast majority of families, but this thought creates fear in you and makes the situation more emotionally charged. If you are thinking that your kid is addicted, you're going to look for evidence of that being true. Evidence like:They ask for it all the timeThey don't like to get offThey seem physically affected by screensThey prefer screens over being with peopleThey don't know how to stopBut instead, I want you to think that the desire for devices is normal. It doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong. Kids like things that are fun, and being on a device is fun. Wanting something doesn’t mean someone is addicted. Your kids not being okay with being boredWhen you start setting limits around screens, your kid is going to have big feelings. If your child isn't okay with being bored, it's going to be a big issue for you at the beginning because their brain does not know quite yet how to shift into something new.When kids are bored, they feel uncomfortable. I call this the Boredom Gap. The good news is that the more time they spend away from devices, the more comfortable they will become spending time away from devices. Confusion around what is the right amount of screen timeThis is one that you need to figure out for yourself (but I’m here to help!) What do you want balance to look like in your family?Think about all the things happening in a 24-hour period: sleep, school, meals, homework, chores, sports, play, family time, etc.How much is left of open or discretionary time? Do screens fit into that time?Another approach is thinking about if your kid seems off-balance at all. If so, you can set a limit to create more time and opportunity for the things you think are most important for them. You get to create any rule or limit that you want in your family. The more committed you are to the limit, the more you love your reasons and the more comfortable you are with your child’s big feelings, the easier it will be to set the boundaries that you want. Not having a planParents often feel like they don’t have a lot of power over their kids’ screen use. They need it for schoolwork, all their friends are online, etc. It leads to a lack of parental leadership.Ultimately, I think we’re worried that our kids are being left out or that our kids are going to get behind.You are strong enough to set limits and handle the discomfort that comes with it.Step into

Are you struggling with picky eaters at your dinner table? Do you find yourself making separate meals for yourself and your kids? As a parent, mealtime can be stressful, especially if your kids refuse to eat the food you serve them.Mealtime can be more enjoyable for everyone - including you. On this episode of Become A Calm Mama, we’ll explore why some kids are picky eaters, while others are not and common struggles and mistakes when it comes to feeding your kids. I’ll also share strategies for transitioning into dinnertime and for encouraging kids to try new foods and become healthy, well-rounded eaters.Your ResponsibilitiesBefore we dive into specific situations and strategies, let’s get clear on your role. The fact is, you can’t make your child eat. This is the same idea with any sort of behavior. Our kids will make their own choices. So what part of this equation is under your control?As the parent, you are responsible for providing food and deciding what food will be available, when and where. You provide access to food and the opportunity for them to eat. You are the leader. You can certainly be considerate of other family members’ likes and dislikes, but you ultimately decide what foods are available.Your child is responsible for whether they eat and how much.Creating Peaceful Family DinnersHaving your kids constantly say things like, “I don’t like that”, “I don’t want to eat that”, “That’s not what I asked for” can wear you down. If you want to make one meal, sit down as a family and have everyone eat the same thing, start with the family table.The Family TableThe family table is not just about getting fed; it's also about social, emotional, and cultural values regarding food. It’s about sharing, connecting with others and creating memories.Serving food on platters instead of plating it can strengthen the family table. Think family-style rather than single-plate restaurant-style. This allows each person at the table to decide for themselves what they want to eat and how much. Your child feels a sense of control over what and how much they’re eating. As usual, your state of mind plays a huge role here, too. When your feelings about your child’s eating habits are more neutral, it creates more emotional freedom for your child. It becomes less charged and they will be able to follow their own cues and learn to eat for themselves more easily. Getting Kids to the TableOne of the biggest challenges parents face is the transition from playtime to mealtime. Kids may not want to stop playing and sit down to eat, which can lead to behavior issues at the table. I really like to involve children in setting the table, filling up water cups or other simple tasks to help them transition into the expectations of mealtime. This often works even better when you give kids a choice between setting the table now or in five minutes. It requires them to think and make a decision and gives the brain time to shift into the new activity.Limits for Peaceful DinnersPracticing Good MannersNo mom wants to hear that the dinner she prepared is “disgusting”, so we can set limits around how our kids express their preferences. For example, “It’s okay to not want to eat something. You can say ‘No, thank you’ and choose something else from the table.”Sitting at the family tableThis ties into a limit of when food is available. Maybe when they leave the table, that’s it for the night. Or maybe you include a small before-bed snack in your evening routine. You can also set a limit around how long they are expected to stay at the table. I love using a candle to signify the beginning and end of family dinnertime. I want you to know that it’s okay for your child to feel a little hungry sometimes. This is a big way to learn that it’s good to eat when food is available. BehaviorYou can set limits or rules around behaviors or other things that might be disruptive during dinner. No toys at the table was one of my rules when the boys were younger. Other limits might look like, You are welcome to sit at the table, as long as…Your bottom is on the chairYou’re using your forkThere is no fighting at the tableThere are no problems at dinnerStrategies for Picky EatersHere’s what I know: If you always serve a separate meal to the picky eater, they won’t have the opportunity to grow and become a more adventurous eater. I think of this as consider, don’t cater. You can always have something on the table that your picky eater will like, while still making them a part of what is available to everybody.Children will learn to like new food by seeing it on the table again and again. Kids are naturally inquisitive, and when they are exposed to a lot of different foods, they tend to become less picky.You can even start with a single food that you want them to grow into eating. Plan to have this food on the table consistently and serve it up on a family-style platter.Encourage them to explore it.

Getting your child to bed (and asleep for the night) is often easier said than done. And while it can be super frustrating for us as parents, it’s pretty hard for our kids, too. One of the best ways to overcome common sleep struggles is by helping our kids master self-soothing skills. Today, you’ll learn why getting to sleep and staying asleep is so challenging for kids at different ages and stages and strategies to help make bedtime a little smoother.Our goal is to help them fall asleep on their own, stay asleep, and then put themselves back to sleep if they wake up. There are a lot of ways to do it, and there is no timeline.Why Kids Resist BedtimeYou may not be surprised to hear me say that kids’ ability to self-soothe and fall asleep on their own at bedtime has a lot to do with regulating their emotions. There are a few common emotional situations that come up at bedtime.For many kids, it’s as simple as this: Bedtime means the end of everything good. It’s the end of playtime, time with you and all the fun things.They might also experience fear, disconnection and loneliness being on their own in the dark and quiet.Sometimes, our kids have too much energy. Maybe they didn’t get enough movement during the day or spent a lot of time on screens. They’re just not feeling tired.And even though it sounds counterintuitive, kids who are overtired also have a hard time at bedtime. When they’re overtired but still awake, the brain kicks into a state of alertness, and it can be really difficult to settle the nervous system.Common Sleep StrugglesWhen your child is feeling lonely, sad or afraid (or just disappointed the fun had to end), those feelings come out in all kinds of behaviors.Not wanting you to leave, jack in the box, calling out, taking a long time to fall asleep, night, waking and being afraid of monsters are all really common challenges between the ages of 2 and 5 years old. Then maybe you get to a point around age 4 or 5 where your kid is sleeping great…but then something changes. They start waking up again in the night. What happened?!Between ages 5 and 7, dreams start showing up, and kids can remember their dreams after they wake up. So not only do they have the fear from the dream they just had, they are afraid that they will have those nightmares again if they go back to sleep. This is also the age where kids start to be more aware of the world around them and understand that there are things out in the world that can hurt them and that you can’t always be watching them (including when they’re sleeping).How To Help Kids Self-SootheThe first thing I encourage you to do when your kid is struggling to fall asleep on their own is to validate that this is hard for them. Learning to fall asleep is hard. Being separated from your parents is hard. It’s dark, they’re alone, they don’t get to play or be with you. Bedtime is hard. You don’t have to change this circumstance. You can just acknowledge it and validate how they are feeling.Then, you can set limits. This looks like saying, “Your feelings make sense, but what are you going to do about it? You have to stay in your bed, so what can you do to help yourself feel safe? What can you do to help yourself feel less scared?”Maybe it’s a simple fix like a night light or a noise machine, or leaving something of yours with them for comfort. I love the option of inviting your child to sleep in a little bed made of blankets in your room as long as they don’t wake you up.With kids that are a little older, especially around ages 5-7, remember that they might be experiencing fear of things like robbers, a house fire, etc. In this case, talk to them about those fears and share the ways that you are keeping them safe. Remind them that their bad dreams aren’t real. You can use a worry jar or some visualization to help them calm their minds for sleep.Other Sleep StrategiesRegulate your own emotionsYou know what doesn’t  help your kids fall asleep? Guilt trips, lectures, yelling and threats. Rather than teaching your kid to self-soothe, these strategies actually activate their stress response and make it even harder to fall asleep.Kids who are feeling afraid, worried or stressed need calm parents. So working on your own emotional regulation is going to be really helpful.RoutinesYour family’s bedtime routine can be whatever you want it to be. Keeping that routine the same as often as you can signals to the brain that we're going to sleep soon.New Sleep DisruptionsIf your child has had a good sleep routine, and suddenly they start to get up a lot or resist going to sleep, it’s probably temporary. These disruptions can happen for lots of reasons, like a developmental leap, changes in the family (e.g. new baby, moving, divorce, etc.) or at school.Look for clues of what else could be going on when they are having sleep trouble and having a curious conversation with them about it. Consider what th

I recently got back from traveling across the country to visit New York City with my two teenage sons. There was one moment in particular on this most recent trip that sums up the experience of discontentment and motherhood and how I’ve been able to start moving toward more contentment. I hope that this story and the tools I share today will help you move toward more satisfaction with your own experience of parenthood, as well.Discontentment & MotherhoodBefore we jump into the story, there’s something about my past self that you need to understand.I have this old belief hanging around that things are never good enough. I always thought that things should be better. That I should do more to make our moments better. I have a general dissatisfaction with things and it shows up in parenting, as well as in the rest of my life.This constant feeling of being a little bit dissatisfied with so many things in my life is one of the big reasons I got into life coaching for myself. This is an ongoing struggle for me, and one of my 2023 goals is to cultivate more contentment.Shifting Out of DiscontentmentMy sons and I recently flew across the country from L.A. to New York, checked into our hotel and went to get some dinner. While I was sitting there, I noticed that I felt unhappy, disconnected from my kids and disappointed. So I got curious and started to coach myself through what I was feeling and thinking.I noticed some negative thoughts coming up about my kids, so I made a shift.I looked at them and thought to myself, “These are my kids. These are the people I raised.”And I felt satisfied and content. They’re not perfect. They’re humans. They’re just regular people, but they’re MY people. I’m their mom.I have big dreams, big plans and big desires for my life. And they've happened.But there’s still this tug of, “but it's not good enough”. It’s the thought that I don't have the right to feel settled. If I do, I’ll never achieve anything.But in that moment at the ramen restaurant with my boys, those weren’t the first thoughts that came through. It was, “These are the people you raised. You did it.”Finding Contentment My parenting journey is in a transitional period with one kid going to college and another learning to drive and going into his senior year. These teen years are tricky. On one hand, you need to let them go. To give them more freedom and responsibility. You’re handing them their life so they can go out into the world and be whoever they're supposed to be. And on the other hand, you're scared that if you let go, they'll get hurt, they'll get in trouble, they'll fuck up. You're also afraid that if you let go, they'll leave and not come back, and you won't have a relationship. My goal has always been for them to have the emotional tools and skills to manage their own feelings and thoughts, to move through negative emotion, to be resilient in the midst of hard things and to take personal responsibility.When I look at my kids I see those goals and values I’ve held around being a mom, and I see that they’re on their way. I feel that I've moved from being the leader of their lives. They're making most of their decisions. I am now the guide while they become the leader. Watching us go through this transition has been hard, painful and difficult. But I can look at our relationships and see that I did it. We stayed close. We stayed connected. I have a really genuine relationship with each of the kids, and I am so grateful for that.I’m thankful that I am not looking at my life now, or my children with regret or dissatisfaction.And I’m glad that I’ve done the personal work I’ve done so that I could enjoy it. There was a moment at that table when it felt like my old habit could easily have slipped in. I could have been dissatisfied. I could have criticized or lectured them. But instead, I just slipped into contentment. And the rest of the trip, I was so delighted. This trip was the end of an era of traveling with my children, because now I'm going to be traveling with my adult children. So if you have little kids and you’re listening to this, here’s what I want you to know: Enjoy the ride. It happens in the small moments. If there’s any part of you that can pause and just say, “yeah, these are the people I’m raising. I’m doing it.” Be in the moment as much as you can, even if it’s hard. The feeling I’m chasing right now is contentment, satisfaction, gratitude.What do you want to think and feel about what’s happening right now? How do you want to remember this time? What feeling are you chasing? You’ll Learn:The tricky thought that keeps sneaking up on meA simple thought shift to find more contentment in parentingHow to see the moments of today in a way that you’ll want to remember them in the futureFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop ye

In today’s episode, I’m walking you through all of the developmental stages of your child’s life, all the way from birth through adolescence to 18 or 19 years old. This is going to help you really understand what's normal at different stages or ages, what kids are struggling with and how you can support your child's development.Developmental StagesThe information I’m sharing today is based on the work of psychologist Erik Erikson, who outlined eight psychosocial stages of development. Birth to ToddlerhoodDuring the first year and a half of life, your child is trying to figure out if they can trust the people around them. Am I safe? Are the people around me safe? Are they taking care of me?This is where trust is built with the primary caregiver. It’s also the time when they are struggling and learning to self-soothe. As you can probably guess, the child needs a lot of support in this stage. As a parent, your role is to meet their basic needs in a loving environment. Showing that you are trustworthy and helping them to sleep, stay warm, stay clean, feed them and help them self-soothe.When you can show your child that they can count on you, they will form a secure attachment and feel safe in the world. Late ToddlerhoodFrom about 18 months to 3 years, the question becomes something more like, “Can I do things myself?”They are working to develop control over their body. This shows up in areas like toilet training, picking out their own clothes, deciding what they want to eat, what cup they drink out of, etc. It can sometimes seem like they’re being difficult, but they’re really just trying to assert control over their body and their choices. They also tend to move very slowly at this stage - struggling with getting dressed, putting on their socks and shoes, buckling their seat belt, etc.As the parent, you want to help them get to the answer of, “Yes, I can do things myself.” This helps them build self-confidence. The challenge for you is to slow down and let them do it.Preschool YearsDuring the preschool years, from about three to five years old, kids start to ask themselves, “Am I good or bad?”They use play as a way to experiment with this in different environments. And it’s an interesting balance because they want to feel like they have some power over their environment but also want boundaries to help them learn what is and isn’t okay.They might act very bossy and powerful, but they also feel very sensitive to our feedback. They can’t really tell the difference between their identity and their behavior. So when we say, “I don’t like when you do that,” they hear, “I don’t like you.”The goal in this stage is avoid excessive criticism and to speak the identity we want for them: You are a good listener, you follow directions well, you are a good kid, etc. It can be challenging to give them power over their environment while still keeping them safe, so we can give them lots of choices. This way, you can limit the options they have while giving them the power to choose.As a parent, you don’t have to change the environment for them. You don’t have to fix their problems. You’re giving them power and choice, so they learn how to live within their environment.Elementary SchoolOnce kids get into elementary school, they start to ask, “Am I good at things?”Of course, we want them to answer “yes”. At this stage, they start to figure more things out outside of the home - in school, sports, enrichment activities, church, etc. They also start being evaluated on their performance through grades and scores.Their goal is to develop a sense of competency in learning and doing things. They’re trying a lot of new things and figuring out all the rules.So it makes sense that kids this age struggle with self-doubt. They might start to compare themselves to their peers and where they fall in the levels of competency and achievement. You might also see them not working as hard, saying they can’t do it or wanting to give up. This can be hard to witness. But it doesn’t mean they’re lazy or that they won’t be successful at something. Don’t make their struggle mean anything except that they’re learning.As a parent, adopting a growth mindset for your kid is one of the best things you can do. This looks like letting them be beginners and work up to higher skills, normalizing that they won’t be good at everything and that’s okay. Middle School & High SchoolThe primary question as our kids move into middle school and high school becomes, “Who am I?” This is much more open-ended than the big questions they’ve worked through in previous stages. It is not a yes or no, and there are a lot of different factors that go into developing that identity.Identity is a complex concept that includes all of the beliefs, ideals, and values that help shape and guide a person's behavior. It’s our personal identity that exists within the social framework of society. Your child largely

Today’s episode is part three of a three-part series all about parenting stress cycles. If you haven’t listened to parts one and two, be sure to go back and check them out.In this episode, I’m teaching you how to reframe the way you view your child’s behavior so that you don’t get as stressed in the first place.What are you making it mean?It’s very common in our society to judge kids and their parents based on behavior. But when we do this, looking only at the external, it actually creates more stress for us.It is a normal human response to take a completely neutral situation and attach greater meaning to it. And we do the same thing with our kids’ behavior. You might make the behavior mean something about you…I’m such a bad mom because my kid has bad grades.I’m such a bad mom because my kid is sad.Or you make it mean something about your kid…My kid hit another kid at preschool. If they keep this up, they’re going to end up not having any friends and be a jerk.My kid loves screens so much they’re going to be addicted. Then, they’ll probably end up addicted to drugs and drop out of school and no longer achieve anything in their life.These interpretations leave you feeling insecure, doubtful, angry, disappointed or fearful.When we take a behavior way far into the future and make it mean something negative, it is going to create stress in us. And your brain is quick to jump in and send you all the stress hormones so that you can deal with the threat. The more often this happens, the more often you have to deal with the stress juice, reset and work on calming yourself. It’s exhausting.But you can help yourself to not get activated in the first place by learning to reframe your kid’s behavior.Why kids misbehaveFor all humans (not just kids), behavior is a way to communicate our thoughts and feelings. Your kids misbehave because…They are communicating their feelings to you through their actions.They are trying to cope with a circumstance they don’t like.They are working to change the situation to make it work for them.They don’t like to stop having fun because having fun is the best.Behavior becomes misbehavior when your child acts out their feelings in a way that causes a problem for someone else (this includes you).Reframing behaviorI want you to be able to see that behavior differently, reframe it and view it from a different lens. So that rather than being activated by your kid’s behavior you can either remain neutral or even show up in compassion.You have to understand that your kid’s behavior is not about you.It is 100% about their own thoughts, their own feelings, and how they are processing those thoughts and feelings and communicating them. It is about what is happening for them in this moment, right now. It doesn’t mean anything about you as a parent or what their future will look like.You can look at their behavior as an opportunity to see their thoughts and feelings in action.First, take a Pause Break. In order to show up the way you want, you need to calm your stress response first.Then, get curious. This is where we find the neutral situation and can move through curiosity to connection and compassion. Ask yourself, “Why does this behavior bother me? What am I making it mean?”Really what you want to know is…What does this behavior say about my kid right now? What are the thoughts and feelings that are driving this behavior?As you practice this curiosity, it will help you get out of the stress cycle. And getting to the root of what is driving their actions is where you find connection.The beautiful thing about this is that you’ll feel more compassion towards other people in your life, too. And you’re modeling it for your kids. They will learn to be compassionate through your example.You’ll Learn:Clues that you’re parenting from stressWhat misbehavior really meansHow to see your behavior from a different perspectiveWhy learning to reframe your kid’s behavior can make you more compassionate toward others, tooListen to Part 1 of this 3-part series: www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/parenting-stress-cycles-1 Part 2: Ending a Stress Cycle: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/parenting-stress-cycles-2 Episode2: Getting to Calm with the Pause Break: https://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/getting-to-calm-with-the-pause-break Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

Today’s episode is part two in a three-part series. Last week, I talked about what a stress cycle is and how it shows up in your parenting. If you missed it, you can listen here. Today, we’re taking it to the next step: When you’re in a parenting stress cycle, how do you get out of it?The first step is to deal with the stressor, and this is the one that most of us are already pretty good at. We deal with the situation. But that isn’t the end.Ending a stress cycleTo complete the stress cycle, you also need to deal with the stress juice - that cocktail of hormones and chemicals flowing through your body. Sometimes, this happens naturally, but sometimes you need to take intentional actions to move through the stress and release it.One example of completing a stress cycle naturally is when you drop your kids off somewhere where you feel that they are safe. It’s that “ahhh” feeling. You can exhale, you feel your shoulders relax and your body lighten. You can breathe deeply.For me, these are all signs that I’ve completed my stress cycle. It feels like relief.Bedtime might be another one. That moment when things are finally quiet, you slip into your pajamas and get your Netflix on. You’re off duty.The moments when this happens for you might be different, but it comes down to the feeling of relief and relaxation.The mama stress spiralOften, we take internal stressors with us. So while the situation may have calmed down, our minds have not. Worries, fears and criticisms continue swimming around in your head, creating even more stress juice in your body.If you’re living in a chronic state of stress, you may not even know how to give your body the signal to relax. Your stress juice may have been building up for days, weeks, months or even years of a stress cycle. I think of this as a mama stress spiral, because it feels like there is no end. And this makes it really difficult to be calm and think clearly.Here are a few signs that you might be stuck in a stress spiral:You find yourself in stress-activating situations that OUTPACE your ability to process them. There is so much coming at you that you don’t have a chance to reset.Simple tasks or requests feel overwhelming.You suffer from 'Mad Mom' syndrome.You engage in self-destructive behaviors on a consistent basis (overdrinking, drug abuse, binge watching, excessive news checking, scrolling social media, overeating, over-exercising, restrictive dieting, obsessive thinking, picking at things or your body).Avoidance & checking out; aka ‘hiding from your life’. Not returning texts or phone calls. Declining invitations. Not working on projects.Your body is out of whack. You feel sick all the time. You have chronic pain, injuries that won’t heal or recurring infections.Sadness that won’t go away, rage that feels out of control or negative or anxious thoughts that you can’t shake.How to release stress juiceSometimes, you have to work a little bit to move through the stress cycle and release the stress juice. The cool thing is that just being aware of your stress cycles is enough to help your brain start paying more attention. Getting out of a stress cycle is similar to digesting or metabolizing food that comes into your body. Your body has to process the stress juice, just like it has to process the food that you eat.And if you have to do this more than once a day, that’s ok. When you have more coming at you, you’ll need to reset more often.The most effective way to complete a stress cycle is with movement. Moving your body for 20-30 minutes a day is going to reset your stress cycle and give that stress juice a place to move. This doesn’t have to look a certain way. Any kind of movement, including with your kids, will help. Some other strategies are:Connect with an adult who cares about youDo something that delights youDo a thought dumpSleep or restThis can happen in the evenings, in small chunks throughout the day or whatever works for you.Calm Mama BreaksIdeally, we’re resetting our stress cycles every day. We deal with stress a little at a time so that it doesn’t build up. But sometimes, we need a little more - a bigger chunk of time where you’re not on kid duty. I call this a Calm Mama Break.No matter where you are on the spectrum of stress, I encourage you to plan one of these breaks. First, decide when it will be and for how long. Who will take care of the kids while you’re taking a break to rest and reset? Ask them for help in advance and get it on the calendar.Next, what do you want to do? What recharges you? What did you enjoy doing before you had kids? Will you go alone or with someone? Remember, mama, when you are in a stress cycle, there is nothing wrong with you. Being a mom is HARD, and feeling stressed is normal. It’s good for you and for your family to take breaks to rest and reset so you don’t lose your shit.Next week, we’ll wrap up this series with ways you can deal with stressors - the stressful c

I want to let you in on a little secret. You don’t yell because there’s something wrong with you (or your kids). You yell as a response to stress and what your brain perceives as a threatening situation. In this episode, I’m talking about the stress cycle - what it looks like, why it happens and how it shows up in your parenting. Before we get into the details, I want you to first imagine walking your dog at night and seeing a pack of coyotes. They start chasing you. Your brain activates the stress response, quickly assesses the threat and decides that you should RUN.You get back home, come in and close the door. You are technically safe, but your body doesn’t know that yet. It still has all of the stress juice running through your system.Once you are inside and safe, it’s time to deal with the stress that has accumulated in your body. You do that by getting your breath back, telling someone what happened, getting a hug, shaking, crying. Stress cycle complete. YAY!Now imagine that instead you come inside, but before you get a chance to deal with the stress juice, there is a new stressor. You walk into the house and your kids are arguing and your husband is yelling at them. Then you head to the kitchen and notice the dishes piled in the sink and there isn’t any meat thawed for dinner. Stressful situations keep popping up and the stress juice continues building up inside you.2 key parts of the stress cycleNotice that there are two parts of the story above: the actual threat of the coyotes and what happens after. The stressor.The stressor is the external situation that is happening around you. This can look like your child screaming, crying, being aggressive, arguing with you, peppering you with questions, blaming you for things, etc.The stress response.This is the stress juice. It’s a sort of chemical cocktail of hormones and neurochemicals that course through your body and create your stress response. And it’s not a bad thing. It helps us respond to our environment and keep ourselves safe. But it’s not healthy for us to live in a state of chronic stress. When stress juice builds up in you and isn’t released, it can make you more reactive, less effective and clouds your thinking.The problem many parents face is that we are constantly surrounded by stressors, but we don't give ourselves a chance to release the stress juice and reset.Sometimes, we don’t even realize that stress is building up inside of us. We think we’re handling things well until something unexpectedly sends us over the edge.Parenting stress cyclesThink about some of the stressors above. If you were out in the world and another adult was screaming at you or being aggressive toward you, it would likely mean that you are in a threatening situation and that you need to do something to protect yourself.So when your kid is screaming, crying or complaining, your brain can’t tell the difference. It thinks you’re being attacked, and your stress response is activated.Aggressive behavior isn’t the only thing that triggers us, though. You might also notice yourself reacting to things like dilly dallying, rudeness, bad grades or your kid just being grumpy. These behaviors activate us because we feel we’re being threatened not physically, but socially. As a community-based species, we fear rejection from others. The type of threat might be different, but your stress response works the same way. The cycle usually looks something like this:Behavior → Reaction → Guilt → Nothing Changes → Same Behavior → Reaction → Guilt3 ways to get out of the parenting stress cycleThere are a couple of places where we can interrupt the parenting stress cycle.#1: Decrease the stressorsOne of the best ways to create less misbehavior (and therefore fewer stressors) is to teach your kids better ways to deal with their feelings. To give them the tools to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about those feelings and what to do with their feelings in ways that don’t cause problems.Creating routines and setting better limits also decrease stressors by removing some of the friction around regular, everyday things.#2: Deal with your stress juiceThe more frequently you reset your stress juice, the less it builds up over time. This is where the Pause Break and Calm Mama Break come in. Think of it as stress hygiene.#3: Reframing behaviorOften we add meaning to a behavior, and this creates even more stress. We regret not doing things differently, feel fear around what the behavior means for our kid’s future or look for someone to blame. If you can think about the behavior differently, you will feel less stressed about it.This week, I want you to practice noticing when you are in a stress cycle. And instead of judging yourself for it, get curious about why you got so stressed in the first place. Noticing is step 1. Next week, we’ll get into more tools on how to break out of your stress cycle.You’ll Learn:How stress shows up and why we feel act

Did you know that gentle parenting is one of the most popular hashtags on TikTok? It’s a philosophy that many parents are attracted to, and I’m excited to talk more about it today - what it is, my experience with it and the common challenges to gentle parenting that you might have experienced.What is gentle parenting?Gentle parenting is an approach to parenting where you validate your child's emotion while also setting appropriate boundaries for their behavior. The foundation is that feelings drive behavior.I like to think of it as - Your feelings make sense. And you have to express those feelings in ways that work for everybody. You may have heard me talk about this as connection (validating the emotion) and limits (the appropriate ways to express the emotion).And when your children don't stay within those boundaries, then we want to help them learn through correction. This is a form of discipline that uses shame-free and pain-free consequences, where the focus is on your child fixing the problem that their behavior caused.When we fix that mistake, it actually feels good, and we learn from it. Benefits of gentle parentingI also like to call this connected parenting because the way we approach our child is based on our connection with them, and we help them to build a better connection with themselves.Practicing gentle parenting helps us feel more connected to our kids and helps them feel more connected to us. They learn to regulate their own emotions and have self compassion. They have a healthier self-esteem.And when you teach your kids appropriate boundaries, they develop communication and social skills which help them build better connections to others. The ultimate result we’re after is for your child to grow into an emotionally healthy adult. One who will be responsible for their emotions and know what to do with their feelings; who can overcome challenging circumstances and speak kindly to themselves and others; who has healthy, collaborative relationships.3 common challenges in gentle parentingUnfortunately, parenting this way is not easy, especially in the beginning.You might quickly go from being calm to absolutely losing your shit and screaming at your kid.Or you might go the other direction and figure they’re not going to listen to you anyway, so the consequences go out the window.Maybe you’ve tried all the sticker charts and broad strategies, but they just haven’t worked.Here are the 3 hurdles most parents encounter when they first try to do gentle parenting:#1 Staying calm in the midst of misbehavior. It’s really hard to regulate your own emotions while your child is screaming, hitting, out-right refusing to listen, and totally melting down. It’s easy to be compassionate if you see that your child is sad and crying. It’s much harder when their feelings come out as aggression.Your stress response kicks in, and you can’t even think clearly enough to use the parenting tools you know. To show up as a compassionate, connected parent, you have to deal with your own emotions first.This is why the first step in the Calm Mama Process is to PAUSE. You take a break to calm your own nervous system and process the negative emotion that you are feeling before you go back to your child.#2 Knowing how to help kids express their feelings in appropriate ways. Most parents don’t know what to do after they ask their child “Are you feeling mad?” and the kid screams “YES!”. Teaching kids how to manage their big feelings is hard to do when you don’t know what to teach them. Sometimes, it might feel like you’re indulging in the feelings without actually teaching your kids any skills. Or you might jump in to rescue them because their feelings make you really uncomfortable. In The Emotionally Healthy Kids course, I give you about 100 different ideas for what your child can do with their big feelings. This way, you can actively teach them what to do instead and how to regulate their own emotions.#3 Setting firm boundaries without yelling or repeating. When you don’t use fear or manipulation to get kids to listen, it can be really confusing to know what to say instead. Getting kids to listen in the gentle parenting approach requires that you set limits in a way that makes the consequences logical. These types of limits make your kid actually think about what they’re doing. Then, you follow through in a shame-free, punishment-free environment. When the consequence is a more natural result of the behavior, it isn’t about making your child feel like they’re bad. These three challenges are the same hurdles I struggled with when I started to practice gentle parenting 15 years ago. And they’re the ones I see my clients struggle with in the beginning, too.And to overcome them, you just need a new set of skills. You can learn how to be the gentle parent that you want to be.You’ll Learn:What gentle parenting isWhy I choose to teach the approach and use it with

What are the differences between traditional parenting and connected parenting, and how can you become more compassionate with your kid? I’ve been thinking about the goals and outcomes of different parenting styles lately, and here’s how I think of it.Traditional parenting is focused more on the external - the way somebody looks, presents themselves to the world and the way the world views them. The goal is for your child to be socially accepted and fit into the world we live in. This is driven by values like compliance, obedience, conforming, productivity, perfectionism and people-pleasing.But often, this approach leaves the individual feeling disconnected from themselves. Connected parenting puts more focus on the internal world of the individual. The challenges of traditional parentingMost people were raised in a traditional parenting environment. This is largely the norm in our society. The goal is to look good, behave well, be accepted. And the tools often include fear, shame and comparison; the threat that if you don’t perform or conform, you won’t be accepted in the world.When you learn to look for external validation, you stop listening to yourself. You don't have trust in your own ability to make decisions, and you can end up disconnected from your internal guide. But the truth is that when you feel terrible on the inside, it doesn't really matter what other people think because you don't feel good about yourself. Feeling disconnected from ourselves can lead to anxiety, depression and causes challenges in our relationships with others.What is connected parenting?Connected parenting (the method I teach) goes by a lot of names. Gentle parenting, conscious parenting, feelings-first, compassionate or non-violent parenting. But the underlying goal is the same. We, as parents, want to create an environment that helps our kids grow up to be emotionally healthy.We want our kids to have good relationships with themselves, with us and with others. We want them to trust themselves and know that their worth as a human is not based on performance.The goal is to help our kids understand what they are feeling and why they’re behaving the way they are. Because their thoughts and feelings are what drives behavior.We use the tools of compassion, emotional regulation, clear boundaries and limits and personal responsibility.Obstacles to connected parentingI’ve been parenting this way for 14 years and teaching connected parenting for 10 years, and I’ve seen a few common obstacles that parents face.Lack of knowledgeSimply put, you don’t have a model or map for parenting this way. If your parents used a traditional parenting style, that is the style you know.Maybe you know you don’t want to raise your kids the same way, but you don’t know what to do instead.This is a revolutionary parenting style. Most of us didn't grow up with anybody helping us with our feelings. We don't know how to do it. That’s why I created the Calm Mama Process and the tools I teach - to give you a framework that outlines exactly what to say and do so that you can show up as a compassionate parent and give your kids the tools to manage their emotions. Inability to manage your own emotionsBased on the first obstacle, this makes perfect sense, right?If you weren’t taught to manage your emotions when you were younger, you’re learning to do it now. It’s almost a process of re-parenting yourself so that you can teach your child the same thing. I think of this as healing the next generation in advance. And it’s why CALM is the foundation of everything I teach. This is where you practice soothing yourself, processing negative emotions, dealing with disappointment, overwhelm and stress in a healthy way.You may not have grown up learning this, but you can learn it now.Societal pressureThe third main obstacle I see is the societal pressure for kids to be obedient. There’s a judgment that if your kid is misbehaving, it must be because you are a bad parent (which is totally not true, btw). This can show up in a lot of different communities and contexts, but the message is that “we don’t want to see your kids melt down or make mistakes.”Kids start out not knowing how to manage their big feelings. They don't know how to process anger, sadness or frustration in ways that don't create problems. They’re going to hit, kick, punch. spit, throw, yell, disagree, argue, negotiate, protest and complain.None of these behaviors are because they’re bad kids or you’re a bad parent. They are all because of their feelings. They have to figure out what works and what doesn’t, and they’re going to make mistakes as they learn these new skills. That’s how learning happens. But when they're in the middle of misbehaving and making mistakes, and you can feel everyone around you judging your kid and your parenting, it can stand in the way of you connecting with and helping your kids.In that moment, you have a choic

Delaying your response, the conversation, the consequences when it comes to misbehavior is a valuable tool. In this episode, you’ll learn why delaying helps you stay calm and how to use this tool in your parenting.Misbehavior is rarely an emergency. This is a concept I come back to with my clients again and again. When you think that misbehavior is an emergency, your stress response is activated and you want to deal with it right away. Your brain tells you that you are not safe until you get rid of this behavior.When you’re in your stress response, your reaction might look like:Anger, frustration or disconnectionYelling, shaming or criticizingStruggling to think clearly or set appropriate limitsThreatening or bribingMy goal is for you to get to a place where you are not activated by your child’s misbehavior. A place where you can be calm even when they are not.By delaying consequences, you give yourself time to reset your stress response so that you can show compassion for your kid and teach them new strategies for dealing with their feelings…which ultimately leads to less misbehavior.Why delaying feels hardDelaying can feel really hard to do sometimes. During the delay, your kid might still be misbehaving. Your mind tells you that they’re getting away with it, and this can feel pretty terrible. You might think that they’re not going to learn from their mistakes, they’ve got to experience the impact now or it won’t matter.On top of that, you’re trying to put the brakes on your reaction after it’s already started.And, we feel social pressure to parent in a certain way.Many of us have been taught that our kids have to have an immediate consequence for it to work. In fact, the opposite is often true. Our kids can’t learn something new when they are in their big feelings or when they’re just so caught up in what they’re doing that they aren’t hearing you or thinking clearly.How to delay consequencesIn the full episode, I share what I call “the popcorn story” which demonstrates how reacting to behavior right away can actually undermine our goals and what we are trying to create within our families.You have a choice about when and how you will respond to a behavior. Just because you are not delivering a consequence right away doesn’t mean you have to ignore it completely. You can delay simply by saying something like, “Hmm, I notice you are _____. I’m gonna have to do something about that later.”You’re letting your kid know that you noticed the misbehavior and that you’re doing something else right now, but they’re not off the hook.This gives you the time you need to calm yourself down and think about what the lesson is you want to teach. What skill is missing, and how are you going to help them practice it?Here are few questions to help you decide if you need to delay:Do I have the capacity to manage a consequence right now? Am I calm enough?Have I done connection yet?Do I have time to deal with the big feelings cycle that is going to come along with the consequence?Telling yourself “I’m going to deal with this, just not right now,” reminds your brain that you’ve got this and you’ll figure it out. It’s not an emergency.The difference between delaying and avoiding consequencesYour child is not getting away with misbehavior when you delay, because you actually go back and revisit the incident and follow through with the correction conversation.When we avoid consequences, we don’t follow up. We make a command or threaten a consequence to get our kid to comply. If you keep doing this and don’t follow through, your kid is not going to listen to you. And I get it. Parenting is exhausting. Revisiting all these misbehaviors takes a lot of energy. Find a way that works for you so that you can commit to following through on consequences. One way is to note the behaviors you want to follow up on, then choose a time to review the week and share with your kids how they can make it up to you (i.e. consequences). I call this Restitution Saturday (or whatever day you want it to be).The takeaway from this episode is that it’s okay for your kids to “get away with it” for a short time. You don’t have to respond to most behaviors right away. As you learn to pause and delay, you're going to be able to handle all the situations that come up with way more calm. You have a lot of power over how things go, and delaying consequences can bring so much peace to your family. You’ll Learn:How delaying helps you stay in the present“The popcorn story” and what it teaches us about getting what we really wantMy favorite phrase for delaying consequencesHow to use the “hard no” when the misbehavior is hurting someone elsePrevious Episodes:Episode 3: Connection is Key to Improving Behavior Episode 12: When Your Child is AggressiveFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get

One of the reasons that being a mom is so hard is because of the pressure we put on ourselves to do everything right. We believe that if we can just be a “good” mom, we’ll prevent pain for our kids and ourselves. There's a belief that if we do everything right and we plan it all out, we can prevent our kids from having hard things happen to them. This is everywhere in our society. We’ve all bought into this idea that if a kid is struggling, it must be the parent’s fault.In this episode, you’ll learn why you can’t prevent pain for your kids (and you shouldn’t anyway) and what you can do instead to support them through hard times.Perfectionism in parentingWe have this belief that there is a right way to parent and that we should do it that right way: naptime schedules, feeding habits, routines, school environments, activities, friend groups…the list goes on and on. There is so much pressure to have it all figured out and to do it all correctly.The thought underneath it all is that if we do everything “right”, then our children will not experience pain or discomfort.But a lot of life is outside our control, and bad things sometimes happen to all of us.When we’re in this trap of trying to do it “right” and bad things happen, we feel GUILTY. We judge ourselves. We think that when hard things happen to our kids it must be our fault. We think that if our kid is struggling, that means we haven't done something right. That’s just not true. All the social engineering, micro-managing, hyper-planning, and bulldozing a smooth path for your kids, means you’re working super hard to prevent something you can’t stop.  It’s exhausting and will lead to burnout. We can’t prevent pain As parents, we naturally want to protect our kids and make sure they’re okay, but we can’t control every aspect of their lives. Preventing shitty circumstances from happening to our kids is not possible, because life is full of hard things despite our best efforts. Our kids are human beings, and they are going to experience all the emotions of being human. They’re going to have conflicts, failures and mistakes.None of us has a pain-free life.The good news here is that we shouldn’t even try to prevent it. Through these challenges, our kids will learn how to go through pain and hardship.And as a connected parent, your relationship with your child will even be strengthened by these hard things. Mom guiltWhen we blame ourselves for our kids’ pain and decide that we must be doing something wrong, panic and mom guilt set in and make it really hard to show up for your kids in the way that you want to.You feel even MORE pressure to work harder, work more, be a better mom. That pressure is suffocating and can be brutal on your identity as a mom and as a woman.  Berating yourself (even a little) doesn't actually help your kids. Because then you are making the hard thing about YOU and not helping THEM with the hard thing. You’re stuck in how this thing impacts you and your identity as a mom, more than how this hard thing is impacting your kid. Getting comfortable with discomfortOften, when we find ourselves micromanaging, worrying and feeling anxious about our kids’ circumstances or choices, it is because we are uncomfortable with their discomfort.It’s hard to watch your child struggle or suffer, so we try to prevent their pain to avoid our own discomfort.Instead, you can learn to be a compassionate witness to their pain. Rather than trying to prevent and solve all the emotional problems, you can acknowledge that the pain is there and help them through it. You can narrate what is happening and offer strategies to help them get their big feelings out and cope with the emotion. This way, you make it about your child and what they are going through.What I want you to take away from this episode is this: No matter what is going on with your kid, you might not have done anything wrong.My hope is that when you understand that the hard things in life are often outside your control, you feel a little bit more free to be in the present moment, rather than looking back at what you did or didn’t do. You can relax a little. You can back off a bit. Hard things happen. No matter what you do or don’t do as a parent. Trust that you and your kids can do hard things. It’ll be okay. You’ll Learn:Why we shouldn’t even try to prevent pain for our kidsHow to use curiosity as a tool if you are concerned about a behaviorExamples of common painful situations and ways to address themNext StepsFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you aroun

In motherhood, it’s normal to sometimes look at our kids’ behavior and imagine the worst case scenario. We’re afraid that if we don’t stop a certain behavior, our kids will struggle with it forever. For example, when my son was hitting a lot at age 4 or 5, I thought if I didn’t change that behavior he would grow up to be violent. In this episode I’ll walk you through how to play out that worst case scenario to figure out what you’re actually afraid of and teach you a tool to move out of that scenario.How worst case scenario thinking affects your parentingWhen we are super worried about our kids, we tend to go one of two directions with our parenting. We either over-parent, which looks like being too strict, harsh or controlling. Or we under-parent, where we rescue, bribe, don’t hold limits and we don't hold our kids accountable. These responses are because of our own fear and anxiety, and neither of them serve our kids. When we try to control their decision, behaviors and outcomes, they end up not learning the thing we want them to learn.In some ways, we create our own worst case scenario because we're not actually giving the kid the skills they need in order to change and grow and become the person that we want them to become.  When you’re afraid that the behavior in this moment means that your child is going to have a terrible outcome in the long term, it’s pretty hard to be calm.What are you actually afraid of?Sometimes, our minds spiral into fear and anxiety, and we aren’t even really sure what it is we’re so afraid of. This exercise is for when you’re spiraling and you want to uncover the deeper root of the fear.Is it that…?Step 1: What are you worried about? What is the behavior or situation that is making you scared?Step 2: If this happens, what will happen next?What are all the bad things I think will happen if I don’t solve this problem? Be specific and go deep. Keep playing it out step by step until you get to the end of the line - your actual fear.Note: Stop before you get all the way to “they would die.” This is not a scenario we can solve for, and it is just further than we need to go.The goal here is to fill in the blank: The thing I’m actually afraid of is ____________.Moving past the worst case scenarioOnce you’ve identified the fear, it’s time to move into the next stage and start solving for it in advance.Step 3: Solve for your fear. If one of the bad things you listed above happens, then what? How would you handle it? How would you solve for it? What can you do between now and then to make sure this doesn’t happen? What skill is your child missing?Another approach is to ask yourself, “what would I do if my worst thing happened?” In this exercise, you go all the way to the end and think about how you could solve it. This process allows you to put some space between what’s happening right now and your fear. It shows you that your worst case is probably unlikely, and that you still have time to do something about it. What you’ll start to realize is that you have plenty of time until the worst case happens, you have the ability to take action in the present moment, and you also know that in the future you'll still be an amazing human who can solve stuff. Some thoughts that often come up for me as I work through this are:The likelihood of this worst case scenario actually happening is not very bigNo matter what happens, I will always be there for my kid. My relationship with my child is stronger than this worst case.I can trust myself. I have solutions in my mind and I can problem-solve for this scenario. The worst case is pretty far away. There is no imminent danger, and there is a lot of time between this moment and the worst case. My hope for you is that you walk away from this exercise feeling a little lighter, more confident, relaxed and hopeful. And from these new feelings, you’ll show up in the present moment differently. You’ll Learn:How worry shows up in your parentingMy 3-step process for working through your worst case scenarioExamples of how to solve for your fearsPast Episodes:Episode 42: Perfectionism, Motherhood and MeEpisode 40: Codependency in ParentingFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

Robyn Reynolds is a certified professional organizer.  If organization skills are a genetic trait, it is a dominant gene for Robyn who was found organizing stuffed animals by size, shape and color before she could walk . Robyn has been quoted in the Huffington Post, Real Simple magazine, Yahoo.com, Woman’s Day magazine and numerous other publications. She has also worked on the television show “Hoarders.”Her book, “A to Zen: 26 tips to inspire organization” offers easy-to-follow tips for homeowners to build a life based on organization, routine and simplicity all leading to greater personal fulfillment. When Robyn is not organizing and harmonizing her clients, she is spending time with her teen daughter, whom she treasures.FB - Organize2HarmonizeInstagram - @Organize2Harmonizehttps://organize2harmonize.com/https://organize2harmonize.com/organizing-coursesFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

Struggling with budgeting, saving or paying off debt? Ready to reach your money goals? This episode is for you! I’m talking with financial coach Erin Harmon all about your money and how you can use it effectively to create the life you want. Erin is the founder of Tranquil Finance. She helps individuals and couples get ahold of their finances and manage their brain so they can create the life and money of their dreams! When Erin became a mom in 2013, she started to feel a lot of pressure to provide all the things her child would need. They had student loan debt, car payments and wanted to save for emergencies and her kid’s college fund. It all felt overwhelming and confusing, and it created a lot of stress. On top of it all, she and her husband had very differing views on how to manage their money.She convinced her husband to take a financial course at a local church. It helped them get on the same page, pay off debt and create an emergency fund. A couple more kids later, Erin discovered coaching. Her experience working with a weight loss coach combined with her friends’ interest in her own financial journey led her to start her own financial coaching business.Your budgetErin says many people dislike the term budget because it feels restrictive, when it is really just a spending plan.She teaches zero-based budgeting, which means that your income and expenses should equal out each month. You give every dollar you have a job. Because if we aren’t intentional with our money, it tends to disappear.Maybe you’re overspending or living on your credit card. Or maybe you just want to know where your money is going or have goals to save up for something big. No matter what your situation, a clear budget is essential.A budget not only helps you reach your goals, but it also removes the stress of not knowing what you can spend money on. It is a decision-making tool. It can even turn emergencies into mere inconveniences.Start with your highest priorities and basic needs, like housing, utilities, transportation, food and clothing. The order of these priorities will be different for different families. There’s no one right way. Erin and her husband each get their own “fun money” every month that they can use on whatever they want, which brings a sense of freedom to their budget. Having money conversationsThe first conversation you need to have when it comes to your spending plan is with yourself. What is important to you when it comes to spending and saving? So much of our view on money is related to our values and priorities, the things or experiences we find valuable. And your values may be different from your partner’s.Erin says that it’s actually very common to have one person in a relationship who is all about the numbers and practicality, while the other is a little more free-spirited. It can be hard to get on the same page. In these situations, it can be helpful to have a neutral person (like a financial coach) mediate the conversation. Some common conflicting values are:Material things vs. experiencesQuality vs. quantityStatus or wanting to “match” up with others in your neighborhood or circle (e.g. cars, clothing, etc.)None of these values or priorities is wrong, but understanding where you fall will help you plan for what you value most.The emotional side of moneyWe all know that unexpected things (and lots of thoughts and feelings) come up around money. Money can be a major source of stress, for individuals and in relationships, especially when you feel there isn’t enough to meet your needs and goals. Having a money plan removes so much of the stress and anxiety because it gives you more control. When you have the data you need, you are empowered to make decisions that line up with your goals.And if you feel guilty about spending on something you want, you can remind yourself that you already decided and made a plan for it. You can bring a sense of calm to your finances, and getting clear on your priorities, goals and budget is the first step.Erin says you can get intentional about your finances in less than an hour a week, and start to see clear patterns in your spending after about 3 months. You’ll Learn:Why you need more than just strategies and tools to manage your money wellHow to budget without feeling restrictedWhy it is important to have a goal for your moneyFun ways to involve your kids in the processConnect with Erin:Learn more about Erin and how you can work with her 1:1 at www.tranquilfinancecoaching.comFollow Erin on Facebook and InstagramFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't foll

Today on the podcast, I’m continuing the series of conversations with experts in all areas of life. This week, Dr. Chavonne Perotte is here and we’re talking all about your marriage.Dr. Chavonne is a life and marriage coach who helps couples develop the mindset and skills they need to create happy marriages and partnerships. She also has a doctorate from Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, where she focused her research on communication and intimate partnerships. In 25 years of marriage, I’ve been through a lot of different stages - no kids, babies, young kids and now the teen years. We’re diving into it all.If you’ve experienced a moment in your marriage where you thought, “I really don’t know if we’re going to make it,” you are not alone. Dr. Chavonne calls this the secret thought that everyone sometimes has but is afraid to say out loud. She teaches her clients that there will be seasons and stages to marriage where you might question things. But that doesn’t have to be a problem. It’s what you do with those thoughts that matters.Why you aren’t getting the help you need from your partnerIn a relationship, both people are likely operating from models that they had growing up. Often, in couples with young or school-aged children, this looks like a dynamic of over-functioning and under-functioning. One person is doing more and (intentionally or not) creating a situation where the other person then does less. As women, we often feel uncomfortable asking for and getting exactly what we want. When it comes to asking for help from our partner, we might make it mean that we aren’t good enough as a wife or mom. We might feel guilty for accepting help. Somewhere along the line, we learned that it’s not ok for us to have the things that we need.To have the dynamic and support you want, you first need to define what you really want and what partnership looks like to you. Then, make requests and advocate for what you want.What do you need?As a mom, when you’re feeling overwhelmed with all the things - parenting, home, work - it can be hard to define exactly what it is you want and need from your partner.A request and a complaint are not the same thing, but sometimes we complain to our partner and want them to just fix it without us ever asking for what we really need.The first step is figuring out what it is you want. It doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be the one thing that solves everything. Start by looking for your trigger moments. These will be good clues to where you need some support.What are the things that constantly trigger me? Where am I feeling agitated?What would I need in this moment? What feels off in this partnership? What's a reasonable request that is honoring for both of us? How to make requests of your partnerDr. Chavonne teaches her clients a simple formula for making a request. Share what you’re feeling, state what you would like instead and make a request.Sometimes, your partner will say no to your request. And that’s ok. It’s a conversation between the two of you to figure out what works for you both.Don’t make assumptions about why they said no or didn’t follow through in a certain way. Get curious and continue the conversation. Try to assume the best about your partner. Assume that they’re in it with you, that they want to support you and for you both to be happy.Go back to what you want out of it. What is the need that you’re trying to get met? Maybe your request doesn’t need to be executed in a certain way to get the benefit you’re looking for. Are there other solutions that will still give you what you need and that your partner is willing to do? Dr. Chavonne and I could have talked for hours. There are so many amazing tips in this episode, I want you to hear them all!You’ll Learn:Where many couples get stuck in their relationshipsThree reasons why one person in the relationship often ends up doing more than the otherHow to make requests of your partner that allow you both to have your needs metA foundational belief that changes relationshipsWhy everything doesn’t have to be perfect 50/50 splitConnect with Dr. Chavonne:Podcast: Love Marriage Again with Dr. ChavonneWebsite: https://drchavonne.com/ Email: [email protected]: Voices in Your Ear: New Conversations to Transform Your Mind and Renew Your Marriage.Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

This week on the podcast, I’m talking with certified intuitive eating and body image coach, Victoria Yates. We’re diving into diet, body, what we eat, how we take care of our bodies and how we think about our bodies.As a coach for moms, my focus is on helping you become calm and care for your children the way that you want to. But I also see a lot of the other issues that affect women’s daily lives - and body image and diet are big ones!Why moms struggle with body imageBody image is simply how you think about your body. It has nothing to do with the physical reflection in the mirror. It is all about your thoughts.We live in a society where “skinnier is better” and those messages can be hard to ignore.For moms who have experienced pregnancy and postpartum, you find yourself in a whole new body after your baby is born. There’s a feeling of unfamiliarity in your own body, on top of societal pressure to get your pre-baby body back.We’ve also been conditioned to believe that we have to take care of our kids all day and prioritize their needs over our own, so many moms just aren’t taking good care of themselves. But many of our body image and eating issues go back much farther than that - to the teenage years or even younger. Your thoughts about your bodyExperiencing changes in our bodies is totally normal, throughout many different stages of life. It may be uncomfortable at first, but accepting those changes and developing a respectful relationship with your body leads you to care for it well.When you’re coming from a place of self-criticism and even hatred, you might believe that if you can just lose weight, you’ll feel better about yourself. But this is backwards.Being at war with your body is a choice. Restrictive diets may feel like a way to regain control (especially if you feel out of control in other areas of your life), but these approaches are often unsustainable and even harmful to our bodies.We can choose instead to work on our relationships with ourselves. To respect and love ourselves so that we take action to care for our bodies in a healthier way.What is intuitive eating?The intuitive eating framework was created in the 1990s by two dietitians. Victoria explains it as a “non-diet approach” that involves building trust with your own body’s cues to hunger or fullness. Traditional dieting typically includes a set of external rules to follow about what, when or how much you eat. Someone else is telling you how to feed your body. Intuitive eating is about relearning how to listen to what your body truly needs.It’s based on a few simple concepts. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you're full, eat foods that are satisfying, and just pay attention to how food makes you feel.It allows for more intention and connection with your physical body.Intuitive eating also goes deeper into healing the root of the problem when it comes to unhealthy eating habits like overeating, emotional eating or mindless eating.Victoria says, “It’s never actually about the food. It’s always about something more, like that need of control…or perfectionism or a lack of trust in yourself.”Building self-trustVictoria encourages her clients to focus on how they want to feel more than the number on the scale. To focus on what will bring more joy into their lives and make them feel more confident and energized.Here’s a quick exercise to try. Pick a word that describes how you want to feel. Then, think about the actions you can take that will help you to feel that way. In the full episode, I share my own experiences with body image and intuitive eating, and Victoria answers common questions about intuitive eating and how it works and addresses common obstacles. You’ll Learn:Why traditional dieting may not have worked for you in the pastWhy we still  feel drawn to restrictive diets anywayWhat intuitive eating isHow your thoughts affect your body imageConnect with Victoria:Visit Victoria’s website: victoria-yates.comFollow on Instagram: instagram.com/nondiet_rnGet the Free Intuitive Eating Journaling Guide: (bit.ly/starteatingintuitively)Listen to the Redefining Health Podcast - available on all podcast platformsFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

One of my life missions is to heal the next generation in advance. So today, I’m sharing the 5 things every kid needs for emotional health.I want to give a whole generation of moms the tools that they need in order to raise emotionally healthy kids. I imagine a generation of kids who grow up and already know what to do with their feelings. A generation of young adults who feel like their parents get them and who find support in their family instead of finding pain. And eventually a generation of adults who know how to communicate and be in healthy relationships.We’re starting this process today.This episode is an invitation to gently open your mind and think about where your family is, where you want to be and which gaps you want to work on this year.What is emotional health?Simply put, emotional health means that I feel good inside, I feel good in my relationships and I feel good in the world.Of course, we can’t feel good or happy all the time, but an emotionally healthy person can feel their way and move through the hard things that come up in life.An emotionally healthy person doesn’t need to DO things to feel better, like overeat, overdrink, overwork, overshop, etc.It means that we know what to do with our feelings.5 Things Every Kid Needs for Emotional HealthRaising a healthy adult starts with creating an environment where your child can grow and learn the tools they need to cope with their emotions.Here are five things they need.A parent who is committed to their own emotional health. This is why my program begins with CALM. It’s about how we, as the adults, regulate and process our negative emotions.Because the truth is that most of us didn't grow up learning how to feel our feelings. Learning tools and strategies that help you cope with your emotions in a healthy way then allows you to be compassionate, patient and present toward your kids (and others in your life). Emotional literacy. The four pieces of emotional literacy are:I know what I am feeling.I know how to talk about or communicate that feeling.I know what to do with that feeling.I can do that for someone else. I can recognize feelings in someone else and help them cope (aka empathy).A set of skills and tools to cope with their emotions in healthy ways. This is all about teaching your kid what to do with their feelings. How to process it, move through the feeling and and feel a new feeling.This one involves a little trial and error. There are a ton of ways people can move through a feeling, and you can problem solve for which ones work best for your particular kid.Limits and boundaries that are clearly communicated to your child and held. It is common for parents to threaten consequences to change a kid’s behavior (I’m even guilty of it myself sometimes).Limits flip it so that you tell your kid what they can do, or what you’re willing to do, and under what conditions. When you communicate and follow through on these limits, your child learns what behaviors work in a community (like your family) and what behaviors don’t. A shame-free environment where it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them. In order for your kids to learn, grow and become healthy, they have to act out. They have to make mistakes and show up in ways that don’t work. Yes, you will enforce your limits. There will be consequences for misbehavior. Shame-free simply means that your kid isn’t made to feel that they are a bad person for making those mistakes. Shame says there’s something inherently wrong with you or bad about you.We don't need to attack their character or their personality. Instead, we can validate the emotion that drove their behavior, and then say, “Well, that behavior has impacts and here are the impacts. You made a mistake. How do you think you can fix it?”The most important thing I hope you take away from this episode is that you get to focus on your emotional health. Because every time I watch a mom heal or grow in her own emotional well being, it has a huge impact on her kids and the whole dynamic of her family. You’ll Learn:Why emotional health is such a valuable goal for your kids, your family and yourselfMy journey to emotional healthWhat emotional literacy looks like in everyday lifeExamples of healthy and unhealthy coping strategiesThe difference between a threat and a limitHow to enforce limits without shameFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

It’s the last episode of 2022! And the New Year is a time when many of us think about goals for the coming year. But have you ever set parenting goals?Learn what parenting goals are and how to use them to pivot behavior and teach your kids new skills and values.What are parenting goals?A parenting goal is a goal that you set for your kids based on something that you see as a gap that they need to learn. There are a LOT of things that kids need to learn between the time they're little all the way until the time that they're grown. Kids need to have skills like time management, social competency, conflict resolution, personal hygiene, understanding money, how to cook clean, how to pack for a trip and (eventually) how to drive. You also have values that are important to you as a parent. You might want your child to learn values like kindness, generosity, gratitude, self reliance or work ethic. It can be overwhelming when you look at all these different areas and see where your kid isn't meeting the standards you envision in the long term.Rather than judge yourself or your kids for these gaps in knowledge, you can think about where your kid is now in a certain area, where you want them to be and set a goal to help them get there. And we can’t tackle them all at once. The goal setting process allows you to identify what is most important to you that your child learns now.How to set your parenting goalsSelecting one or two parenting goals at a time will help you be intentional and strategic. And the more intentional we are about our children and what they need to learn, the more likely we'll reach each parenting goal.Step 1: Name your parenting goalWhen you look at your child right now, what specific skill or value would you like to help them learn?Think about where their behavior seems off-track or problematic. Then fill in the blank: If my child had _______ skill/value, they wouldn’t act like this. Often when I talk about limits, I say that when a behavior is driving you crazy, it’s time for a limit. This is also a great clue to your parenting goals. It probably means your child is missing a skill or hasn't had enough practice with a value that is important to you.Step 2: Create a planWhat limits do you need to put into place to reach the specific goal that you have in mind?What will happen if they don’t follow through on their part of the plan or hold your limit?Step 3: Follow throughWe set limits in order to create a container for our kids to pivot a behavior or learn a new skill. And they have to be allowed to fail until they realize they don’t want to mess up anymore.Remember, when your kid experiences the impact of their behavior, they learn from it and the behavior will change faster. Sometimes, we need to bring those impacts into our family because we can’t always wait for natural consequences to take place. Doing this isn’t mean. And we can do it without criticizing, lecturing or comparing them to others. You’ll Learn:What to do when the goal you set isn’t having the result you wantedHow to use parenting goals to help your kids learn the skills and values that will serve them (and your whole family)  long termWhich goals you should focus on firstHow to create a goal plan - with super detailed examplesFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

MAMA DAY HOLIDAY is December 26!About a decade ago, I declared the day after Christmas to be Mama Day Holiday. It was my official day off.On Mama Day Holiday, I do NOTHING. I don't cook, clean, play with kids, or do anything I don't want to do. It's mama's day off.Kids eat cereal for several meals, watch a lot of TV, and hopefully, happily play with all of their new toys.I made this up because the holiday season is a LONG HAUL. It's exhausting. All of the brain-work required to plan gifts, food, photos, cards, is super draining. Plus the extra housework, gift wrapping, errand running, and cooking-cooking-cooking, is tiring!Mamas - you deserve a day off. And no one is going to give it to you. So you have to CLAIM it.So I hereby officially announce MAMA DAY HOLIDAY is December 26th.Enjoy your day off!Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

In this episode, I’m talking about two of your favorite topics - meltdowns (or what I call Big Feeling Cycles) and siblings. In more than 10 years as a parenting coach, these come up again and again as things that are the hardest for moms. They are the core issues that lead moms to yell, then feel guilty and wind up stuck in a cycle of guilt, resentment, overwhelm and confusion. We want to get out of that cycle and make real improvements in the way our kids behave, manage their emotions and take personal responsibility for their actions. Think of the episode as some basic tools for managing meltdowns and sibling fights that you can come back when things feel tough and you need a little reminder. Big Feeling CyclesYou might call this a meltdown or a temper tantrum. I like to think of it as a big feeling cycle. And I especially like to call it a cycle because this reminds us that it will end.It all starts in a moment when your child feels completely overwhelmed. And that overwhelm, whether it’s physical, mental or emotional, shows up in an extreme way like screaming, hitting, throwing, running away, etc. They happen when your child doesn't know how to express their feelings in ways that work.Your role as a parent is to become the observer. When you can see your child’s behavior from a different perspective and understand that it is pain or discomfort that they don’t know how to deal with, you will feel less panicked and it will be easier for you to help them through it.When you soften your heart, your child will sense that softening and feel more calm.So, how do we do that? By using the Connection Tool.Narrate what you are seeing (one simple sentence - just the facts)Name the emotion that might be driving the behavior (I wonder if you’re feeling…)Validate their feelings (That makes sense)What are we going to do next? (This where you can address the behavior and make a plan or set a limit with your kid)First, we let our kids feel heard and seen. Then, we help them express their big feelings in ways that work. This tool can only work when you are calm, but the cool thing is that thinking through the steps will help to calm you down, too. Sibling ConflictIf you have more than one child, I’m sure you’ve experienced times where multiple kids are in a big feeling cycle. Or one kid is having big feelings and another is trying to show how much better they are in that moment. Sometimes you are also having big feelings yourself. It’s a lot to handle.The most important thing for you to do in this situation is to get calm. Take a pause break.Stop - stop talking, stop interacting, stop doing anything for a secondDelay your reaction - don’t talk to anybody or take any actionReset - soothe yourself and calm your nervous systemThere are a few different reasons that siblings fight. They might be having big feelings about something (that may or may not have anything to do with their sibling). They might be competing over something like space, possessions or attention. They might just be bored and looking for some quick entertainment (so fun, right?).I often encourage parents to start by letting the sibling conflict go a little bit longer and see if they can solve the problem themselves. Then, if you do need to step in, your role is to guide them through the conflict. You are not the judge, and it is not your job to solve their problems for them. Your focus is not on the back story and all the details. It's on the future - you are looking for the path forward.You can use a combination of the connection tool and limit setting to help the figure out what is next.There will be sibling conflict in your home. There will be moments when your kids don't listen. And I want you to know that it's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. It doesn't mean your kids are on a bad track. Just get yourself back to that calm place, smile, look at them as a loving observer and find lightness where you can so that you can enjoy yourself and enjoy your kids this holiday season.You’ll Learn:My favorite tool to decrease the intensity and duration of meltdownsHow to take a pause break when you need to calm downScripts to help guide your kids through conflictNext StepsUsing the Connection Tool may feel a little clunky or awkward at the beginning. It doesn’t come naturally, but it does get easier with practice. And it will help your kid’s big feeling cycles to be shorter and less intense (who doesn’t want that?).If you want to learn more about the Connection Tool, how to set limits, what to do with big feelings (yours and your kid’s) and just want to stop yelling and being so reactive, you really should be in The Emotionally Healthy Kids parenting program.It’s 6 week parenting course, taught live on zoom in a small group. You learn every single tool and concept in my Calm Mama framework - in bite-sized chunks with time for you to ask specific questions about your family. The first step

Around the holidays, everything sort of gets unstructured and chaotic. We get really busy. We get overwhelmed. Our kids lose the sense of routine that we've been establishing. And it stresses us out!As parents, it's good for us to stop and think about how we want our winter break to go and how we want this holiday season to feel. And a big part of creating the break you want is getting clear on some of the things that you want to set limits around over the next few weeks. When you pre-decide how you want things to go and set routines and limits around them, you’ll be less confused (and so will your kids). You’ll also have less overwhelm, conflict and yelling. In this episode, we’re talking all about holiday limits for kids - with lots of examples and ideas you can make your own.Why set limits?Limits are good for our kids and good for us. They help our kids learn to think for themselves, take personal responsibility and believe that we're going to follow through. Limits also help us as parents to feel really calm about communicating our expectations and confident that we know how to handle misbehavior when it happens. In the beginning, this might feel pretty hard. Your kids aren’t going to suddenly start complying all the time because you’ve laid out a limit. This is because up until now, your kids may have been trained to believe they don’t have to comply. It’s totally normal for your kid not to do what you ask right away when they have their own plans and no motivation to change their behavior. The “traditional” command-threat model often plays out like this…Request. Repeat. Command. Threat. Yell. Guilt.This is really a fear-based model. And it may get compliance in the short-term, but our goal is to stop yelling and to help our kids learn the social and emotional skills to manage themselves in the long-term.This is where limits come in. A limit outlines both what your child can do or have and under what conditions. The consequence is built in without making it sound like a threat.For example, you’re welcome to stay sitting here and watching the play as long as you are quiet. So, the implied consequence is that if your child is not quiet, you will leave the play.With limits, we’re activating desire, rather than fear. We’re motivating them to get something instead of trying to get them to stop something (which is much harder).The cool thing about limits is that regardless of the choice your child makes, they are going to learn from it. They’ll learn what they need to do to get the things they want and that it’s really in their best interest to listen to you because it benefits them. Following throughJust because we aren’t yelling and threatening doesn’t mean there are no consequences for misbehavior. Remember, it’s built right into the limit. But if you want limits to work, you have to be willing to follow through. Often, a parent avoids following through on a consequence because they don’t want to deal with the meltdown. You want to avoid those big feelings because they are uncomfortable for your child and for you.But I see these big feeling cycles as a GOOD thing, because it allows you to teach your kid how to deal with their emotions in better ways. So they can handle disappointment, hurt, anger and sadness. Setting LimitsAs the leader of your family, you have a lot of control and power over the dynamic in your household. Getting clear on what is important to you and what you are willing to commit to following through on is the first step.If you’ve struggled with following through in the past, it may be in part because that limit - whether it’s sweets, screentime or whatever - just wasn’t actually that important to you. And that’s ok.My favorite way to figure out what limits to set is to think about what behaviors you are annoyed or angry about. This is a great clue that you need a limit. Then, decide what you want to happen and use the limit setting formula to put it into words.In the full episode, you’ll hear a ton of examples related to sweets, screens, sleep, hygiene, cleaning and more that you can borrow or adjust to use in your home this holiday season.You’ll Learn:Why your kids don’t listen, and the early challenges of limit settingThe difference between and limit and a requestHow to use the limit setting formula to create a calmer homeMentioned in this episode:Episode 4: Setting Limits That Workhttps://www.calmmamacoaching.com/blog/setting-limits-that-workFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Foll

This week on the podcast, I’m diving into boundaries - How to say no, how to set boundaries with kindness, and how to communicate your boundaries in a way that works. I’m giving you my detailed, step by step process that you can use with the teens and adults in your life.Why do we need boundaries?Ultimately, we set boundaries because we want to feel better. We want our life to work better for us. We want to have better relationships with people. We don't want to feel angry, resentful or overwhelmed. Showing up as the mom you want to be and helping your kids grow into the people that you want them to become takes capacity and energy. Without clear boundaries, we end up feeling drained and it takes us away from being present with our kids. What’s bothering you?Before you communicate and hold your boundaries, you have to know what they are. You need to figure out what you actually want or how you want to fix or improve your relationships with others. You can even think about behaviors you want other people to change. Remember that we can’t control what anyone else does, but we can make a request and ask them if they're willing to show up in a different way for us.A good clue that you need a boundary is if you often feel annoyed, frustrated, angry or resentful with a certain behavior or situation.Get curious and try to figure out why it bothers you the way it does. How to set boundaries - step by stepStep 1: Make a requestThe first step in setting a boundary is communicating what you are or are not willing to do. This is a request that we make to someone else. We either ask them if they're willing to do something or we let them know what we are willing to do and under what conditions.Start by asking yourself:What do I want? What works for me? What is going to make my life better? What is going to make this situation work?Step 2: Wait for the answerMaking a request or setting a boundary doesn’t mean that the other person will agree. They can respond any way they choose. It might bring up some feelings for them, and that’s ok.Your job is to be open and curious about what comes up.You can let their response just be words and sentences that are coming out of their head. You don't need to justify your request, defend yourself, or fix that uncomfortable, awkward moment. You just listen. Then circle right back to the original request and say, “Yes, I hear you on all of that. And I'm asking you, would you be willing to do this?”Step 3: Observe the situationThis is where you wait and see what happens. How will they show up? Will they hold the boundary you set? Pay attention and notice whether or not the person is staying within your boundary or whether you’re crossing your own boundary to avoid uncomfortable situations or conflict. What I see with moms sometimes is that we actually give up on ourselves before letting the person respond. You decide that your boundary doesn't matter. But what you’re really telling yourself is that you don't matter, that what you want doesn't matter. You actually do really matter. Your energy, your time, your brain and your body. Step 4: Acknowledge what’s happeningIt's important for your own sense of self worth that you acknowledge what is happening to you. Acknowledge whether someone is holding or crossing your boundary. Acknowledge your experiences and feelings. And if you want to (and feel safe), you can acknowledge it aloud to the other person.Step 5: Decide to take action or notIt’s up to you whether or not you take action when a boundary has been crossed. Ask yourself, “How can I take really good care of myself right now? What do I need here?”Sometimes that means not doing anything but noticing what is happening and making note of how you want to be in the future. Action can look like removing yourself from the room or turning down the invitation next time. Or you can choose to talk to the other person about it. Explain that your boundary was crossed and what you want to do next. This is hard, but the more you teach yourself that you matter and take action to care for yourself, it gets easier.  It can even improve your relationships over time when you clearly communicate and hold your boundaries. It becomes more nurturing, supportive, loving, kind and safe.Listen to the full episode for lots of examples and scripts you can use to practice setting your own boundaries.You’ll Learn:Why we need boundariesThe hardest thing about setting boundaries (and how to work through it)My 6 step process to setting and following through on boundariesHow to say “no” and communicate boundaries with kindness (with scripts)Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you

Overwhelm often comes from thoughts like…I have so much to do. I don't know what to do. I'm so behind.I don't know where to start. I'll never get this all done. I suck. These are just thoughts. They are sentences in your head. They aren't necessarily true. But thinking them can lead you to become overwhelmed and self-critical.Sometimes the simple act of writing all the things down that are in your head can help you feel less overwhelmed. In this episode I’m walking you through a simple exercise called “The Holiday Thought Dump”  Doing a holiday thought dump helps you clear out all of the jumble of junk in your mind, leaving space for your brain to work out solutions. Sometimes the key to overwhelm is just about giving your brain one task to solve at a time.The other cool thing I teach you in today’s episode is the YES list. What happens when you dump out all the things you “have” to do, is that you can start thinking about the things you want to do! Kick off December 2022 with hope and clarity, instead of overwhelm and grumpiness. You’ll Learn:✅ Where overwhelm comes from✅ How a holiday thought dump helps give you clarity✅ Prompts to get you thinking about what you WANT to do this holiday✅ Permission to stop worrying about other people’s feelings. NEXT STEPSI want to invite you to start next year off with all the support you need to become the mom you want to be, and raise kids who are emotionally healthy. That’s why I’m inviting you to schedule a discovery session with me.This is your chance to share your parenting struggles with an expert, who has heard it all, and helped moms just like you become calm and confident. During the call I listen as you share what's going on with your family, what you've tried, and what's not working.You share with me what you want to see improve in your family. We talk about your "blind spots" and what it would be like to work together. I answer your questions about my parenting philosophy and the 3 ways you can work with me. Book your free discovery session with me here.

With this podcast episode released on Thanksgiving, I’m talking all about gratitude, how it relates to children, how it relates to parenting, and what I'm calling weaponized gratitude.What is gratitude?In Brene Brown's book, Atlas of the Heart, she defines gratitude as, “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”So it isn’t just about saying thank you, it’s an emotion. And it requires that we look for the good and take the time to fully feel that appreciation. This isn’t something that comes naturally to humans, so it is a perspective and mindset that we need to cultivate and practice. The good news is that when you do that practice, it can become really easy to access those thankful thoughts and feelings.Gratitude and kidsGratitude is really hard for our kids, and here’s why. First, it has to do with their developmental stage. Because of the way their brains are developed, kids aren’t really able to see different perspectives until around age 9 or 10.Also, many of our kids don’t experience a lot of struggle. As parents, we want our kids' lives to be mostly simple, easy and happy. So for them, good is the norm. They don’t have much other life experience yet to compare it with. Basically, they don’t know how good they’ve got it.In many ways, we’ve taught them that. We've taught them to expect ease. We've taught them to think that the world revolves around them.But then we get mad at them for we get mad at them when they're not feeling grateful for a nice house or a loving family whatever you want your kids to be grateful for.I want to tell you that you don’t have to make them wrong for their ignorance or lack of perspective. It’s a part of development. The best way for you to cultivate gratitude in your kids is to model it for them.Weaponizing gratitudeSomething I see often as I coach moms is when a mom starts to share with me a challenge in her life and expresses her feelings, like hurt, disappointment or sadness, and she stops herself and sort of backs up a bit. Then, she says things like, “I shouldn't even be complaining,” “I’m being so whiny,” “I know I have it better than other people.”This is what I think of as weaponizing gratitude. You are using gratitude as a weapon to shut down your feelings. Trying to ignore the feeling, manufacture gratitude and bypass your negative emotions does not work. It doesn’t help you. What you need is a safe place to dump some of the junk that's going on.You need to have your feelings acknowledged, allowed and accepted, either by yourself or by whoever you're talking to.We all have lots and lots of feelings. And sometimes those feelings are not so great. We don't need to judge our negative feelings and then tell ourselves we should be grateful. The other side of gratitudeNow don’t get me wrong - I love gratitude. But I can only feel that feeling of gratitude because I've opened myself up to all the other feelings, the anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, the grief.  All any feeling ever wants us to be feltGratitude is a wonderful emotion, but you cannot fake it. It's calm after the storm. Because gratitude is really perspective. And perspective only comes when we take an honest account of our lives, when we're looking at what is hard and what is great. It's okay to feel disappointed. It's okay to feel angry, it's okay to feel sad. It's okay to feel hurt. None of these are the opposite of gratitude, but we have to acknowledge them all. Once you process your negative emotion, gratitude is on the other side.3 strategies to cultivate more gratitudeThere are three practices that have helped me access gratitude faster. When I use these strategies regularly, they help me shift towards gratitude with greater ease, so that once I move through my negative emotion, gratitude is easy for me to find.You can use these on your own or with your kids to cultivate more gratitude within your family.#1 As part of my daily journaling, I complete this sentence, “I am grateful for _____ because ______.” I love adding the “because” to this sentence. Adding the benefit or reason I am grateful for what I’ve focused on for that day deepens my appreciation of it. #2 Write a list of 10 things you really really wanted in the past and now you have. This is a great exercise for perspective and finding genuine gratitude! #3 Switch the focus of the holiday season from 'getting' to 'giving': Bring your kids into the gift giving process and allow them to pick out gifts for others. Set a budget and talk about the reason you chose that amount for each gift.Let the kids pick gifts within the range. Have them wrap them. The more invested they are in giving, the less focus they will have on receiving.You’ll Learn:Why we have to practice gratitude (it doesn’t come naturally)How to help your kids be more gratefulWhy “good

Today, I’m getting a little personal and sharing my story of perfectionism - how I realized I was struggling with it in the first place, where it came from, what it looked like in my life and some of the strategies I’ve used to get out of my own perfectionism. Of course, I’m also talking about how it relates to being a mom and what happens when we, as women and mothers, try to do everything perfectly.What perfectionism looks likeFor a long time, I didn’t identify as a perfectionist. I thought I was someone who just gets stuff done. But it turned out that getting everything done all the time was what I wanted to be perfect at. What that meant for me is when I didn't do all the things that I had said I was going to do (either commitments to myself or others), I would feel like absolute shit. Even if I was sick. If there was something I couldn’t get done, I felt terrible.And then I would use that crappy feeling to push myself to be more and more productive.Not that long ago, I realized that I actually wasn’t okay. And I wasn’t okay with beating myself up this way.I would wake up in the morning feeling pressure, feeling like I was already behind, immediately running through in my mind all the things I had to do.I thought that getting it all done is what would make me feel better. When really, I was using productivity as a coping strategy for my own insecurity.Where perfectionism comes fromPerfectionism is a coping strategy. The root of it will be a little different for everyone, and figuring it out starts with curiosity.I developed this strategy early in life to cope with a difficult childhood.I was worried that if I didn’t get everything on my list done, people would be mad at me. I felt like I was one mistake away from full abandonment by everyone who was important to me. And I felt so much responsibility for everybody else's emotions towards me. I was trying to keep myself safe from being left or hurt. This pressure is also built into our society. We’re taught that sacrifice is a virtue, especially in motherhood. That the best mom is also the most tired mom. And that our value is based on how we perform.The problem with perfectionismThere's this pressure on women to do it all, do it all well, and smile while you're doing it.It breaks my heart.My coping strategy of high productivity was hurting me. It was putting so much pressure on me. The overplanning, checklists and hyperproductivity were a way to protect myself from the feeling that I wasn’t safe, good enough or lovable. It was like my drug.But I didn't want that pressure anymore. I wanted to find a way to feel lovable, worthy, relaxed and peaceful.I wanted to be free. I wanted to love myself and trust myself. And I didn't want to keep using that old coping skill of shoving it down and getting it all done.I wanted to explore the question, “Even if I don’t do everything, can I still be okay?” Beyond perfectWhat I’ve learned about myself is that I am not a lazy, horrible, mean person - even when I’m not doing all the things. I’m still really lovable, and my family and friends still care about me. I'm not as at risk of abandonment and rejection as I thought I was.I also learned that even if I don't follow my own rules of life for days at a time, I still don’t become my worst fear. I still take care of myself, work hard and achieve goals.I realized that when I listen to my body, my heart and soul, when I take excellent care of myself…the pressure lessens, or even goes away. Because I know that I can trust myself even if I don't follow my own list of rules one day. I’m not a lost cause. I can just give myself what I need and get back to my goals the next day. When I care for myself, I have more capacity to be productive later. This is what self care really has become for me - deep listening and deep trust, letting go of that pressure to be perfect.I’ve also identified different tools to help me cope with my insecurity, anxiety or overwhelm. Things like taking a walk, reading, going to the beach with my kids, calling a friend or just laying down. This stuff is pretty uncomfortable to share, but I think it will help you in your own journey toward deeper self love, self acceptance, and self trust.You are worthy of love and have the right to call yourself a good mom, no matter how your kids behave. You're worthy of love and have the right to call yourself a good mom, even if you prioritize your wellbeing over your children's schedule, diet, schoolwork, sports events, social life, and whatever else society tells you is the most important thing.You are worthy of love purely because you're here in the world right now.You’ll Learn:Why perfectionism is so common with moms - and how it’s hurting usHow our society pressures us to do it allWhat I’ve learned through my own struggle with perfectionismStrategies to find more peace and self loveFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you

In this episode, I’m talking all about boundaries, limits and rules. What is the difference between them? And how can you best utilize them, especially as we go into the holiday season?Rules, Boundaries & Limits - What’s the difference?A rule is when you say what your child can or can’t do. Rules are a first step in teaching your kid how to listen, be responsible and thinkA limit takes it a step further. It communicates to your child what they can do and the conditions that they can do it under.A boundary is what you are or are not willing to do, and under what conditions. It’s a lot more about what you are comfortable with as a person. So, rules and limits tell your child what they can or can’t do, and boundaries tell them what you are willing to do.Setting effective rules, limits & boundariesRules, limits and boundaries all have a place and a purpose. The most important thing is to be intentional about why you are setting them. You have to think in advance about what you want and what results you hope you see.In addition, your rules will become more effective when you can turn them into limits. When your child doesn’t follow a rule, you might be left feeling confused about what to do next. With a limit, that step is built in.Inside my coaching programs, I teach a six-step limit setting process that includes:Choose what you want.Commit to the result. Check your capacity.Communicate your limit or boundary.Check back in.Consequence (follow through on your limit or boundary).Following through on Boundaries & LimitsBoundaries are more about what you as an individual are okay with, and they come into play not only in parenting, but in our adult relationships as well. Remember that you cannot control what other humans (kid or adult) are going to do or say. You can only control the way you respond.Even if you can clearly state what you are or are not comfortable with, following through when people don’t respect your boundaries can feel really hard.Because when you enforce or you maintain your own boundary, other people are going to have thoughts and feelings about that. They might get upset, argue with you, blame you, defend themselves, or rage. They are resisting the consequence or impact of their actions.In people-pleasing, we try to avoid this discomfort. We want to make everybody happy and we don’t want others to be upset with us. But then YOU end up being the one who’s unhappy and uncomfortable. And that’s not what we want.Holding people accountable to their behavior doesn’t have to include shame, lectures or convincing the other person that our boundary or limit is ok.And they are entitled to their thoughts and feelings. They are allowed to have that experience of you or think negative thoughts about you. It's okay. That's the way that they are processing their experience of you holding the boundary.You often only have to really get serious about a limit or boundary a few times before the limit becomes much more clear with your kid and they begin to be more compliant. This is training, discipline - it’s what parenting is all about.You’ll Learn:The difference between boundaries, limits and rules (with real-life examples)Strategies to decide what you want your rules, limits and boundaries to beHow to know you need a limit or boundaryMy 6-step process for setting effective limitsFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

Today on Become A Calm Mama, I'm talking about a concept called codependency and how it shows up in parenting. Our children are naturally dependent on us to care for them. In this episode, I’ll help you understand the difference between healthy dependency and a less healthy codependent model.I’ll also give you some guidelines to figure out if codependency is a struggle for you and what to do about it. What is codependency?As parents, we are responsible for meeting our children's physical, practical, financial and emotional needs that they can't meet for themselves because of their developmental stage. And the goal as they get older is that they become more and more capable of meeting their own needs. Healthy dependency looks like taking care of our kids because they can't take care of themselves yet. This type of parenting is guided by our big picture vision of helping our children become adults who are dependent on themselves. In a codependent relationship, you need something from the other person in order for you to feel good about yourself.You lose sight of yourself and decide that the needs of someone else are more important than your needs. How does codependency show up in parenting?Codependency in parenting is when you, as the parent, need something from your kid in order to feel good. Your identity or self worth as a person gets woven into your role of caregiving, and it creates an unhealthy dynamic in your parent-child relationship. There are three areas where I see this come up a lot in parenting. You need your kid to need you. You are dependent on them to have your emotional needs met. You need to be needed in order to feel valuable and to feel that your life has purpose. This often leads to a lot of rescuing, extreme helpfulness and wanting to make decisions for your child.You need your kid to be happy in order for you to feel happy. Of course we want to have compassion and connection with our kids, but the problem arises when you are not able to shift your own emotion until your child shifts theirs.You need approval from others (your kids or other people) in order to feel secure. You look outside of yourself for validation of your self-worth. This typically shows up as people-pleasing. In parenting, you might put a lot of pressure on yourself and your family to present yourself in a certain way. It can also look like you needing your kid to like you or approve of you, which leads to struggles with setting limits, holding boundaries or allowing your kid to experience discomfort.If you identify with any of these situations, I want you to know you’re not alone. It’s super normal to struggle because we are socialized to be codependent (especially as women). 5 strategies to help you shift out of codependent behaviorYou don’t need to utilize all 5 of these strategies. Just pick one thing that you want to work on and come back later when you’re ready for another.Detach. Rather than detaching from yourself, we're going to detach from the other person and our need for them to be to feel good or our need for their approval. Instead, we're going to begin to look for happiness inside of ourselves. Self-soothe. Learn how to feel your feelings, and find ways to allow those emotions to move through you. Catch yourself and take a pause break. Speak kindly to yourself. Stop being so mean to yourself and learn to coach yourself into new ways of thinking.Cultivate self-trust. Build the belief that you can handle anything that happens. Set better limits and boundaries. Hold your kids and others accountable when they don’t keep within your limits. If some of this feels really heavy to you, I want you to really take care of yourself and give yourself a lot of love and kindness.Beating yourself up and criticizing yourself is not the pathway to change. Awareness is the pathway to change. Let's shift. Let's grow, Let's heal. You’ll Learn:How to tell the difference between healthy dependency and codependency in parenting3 areas where I see codependency come up for parents (and why it happens)Why it is so common to struggle with codependency5 key strategies to release yourself from codependencyResources:Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More”Episode 4: Setting Limits that WorkEpisode 9: Pause & Reset Your EmotionsEpisode 10: Pause & Reset Your MindEpisode 36: Overcoming Fear With Raising TeensFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

Parents often say to me that their child “is being disrespectful” or that “their behavior is disrespectful”. But is it? And if so, what can you do about it?In this episode, you’ll learn how to tell the difference between respectful and disrespectful behavior, why not everything falls into one of those two categories and how to create mutual respect in your family. What is mutual respect?One of the concepts I teach in my program, The Calm Mama Club, is this idea of mutual respect.This means that as a parent you are cultivating community within your family. This looks like: I care about you. I will help you. I am willing to be uncomfortable for your benefit. I'm willing to delay gratification so that you will be more comfortable or have your needs met. AND you are willing to do those things for me.We all have different needs, desires and expectations, and we can come together and figure out how to meet everybody's needs. This won’t be perfect. You won’t make everyone happy every time. The important part is talking about it and considering if it could be possible and how to do it.Between respect and disrespectI share a few different definitions of respect in this episode. Essentially, it means that we are willing to pay attention to and have concern for another person. We look at what is in their body, mind and heart, and we are willing to see it all as important.Parents often think that their child is disrespecting them because the child is not being considerate of their feelings, wishes, rights or traditions. But having disrespect goes beyond just not considering. Disrespect is a way of thinking, an attitude of not caring about another person’s feelings, wishes and rights. It even goes so far as having ill regard for somebody else's feelings or desires.I want to offer another perspective, one that lies somewhere between respect and disrespect. Something more neutral.Non-regard or non-respect.In non-respect, the child is in their own needs, feelings and wishes and they are simply not able to hold your feelings, wishes, thoughts and desires in mind. It's not an active attempt to disregard what you want or need. It's just a non-regard. You're just not part of their thought process in that moment. And this is developmentally normal for kids.How to cultivate mutual respectNow of course you're going to want your kids to learn this concept of mutual respect. We want them to grow and be able to have high regard for us. To have respect for us. To consider our feelings and wishes and rights. We want them to be able to think about our time and our resources and consider the impact that their behavior or request might have on us.  We want to give our kids this ability to grow and to respect others. And we can do it in two ways.Model self-respectYour children will look to you to show them how you want to be treated. You can teach them what it means to be in a relationship with you. That means you must think of yourself with high regard, consider your feelings and wishes and prioritize your own emotional wellbeing. Limit setting is a great tool to hold your boundaries and show your child what respectful behavior looks like. Show respectThis looks like being considerate of your child’s wishes and holding their feelings in high regard. It doesn’t mean that you need to give in to every wish.It looks like recognizing and validating your child’s needs and emotions. This is connection. It's a lot easier for someone to give respect when they feel respected. They know how good it feels and are more willing to do that for other people. That's how you cultivate mutual respect in a family.You’ll Learn:What disrespect really looks like (and what it doesn’t)Why showing respect is challenging for kidsWhat you can do to encourage respectful relationships in your familyFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereWant to connect? Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress Book a free consultation session

The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing.A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean.For example - when you have one of your kids pulling your other kid’s hair, it’s not mean to say “Stop that. Or Don’t do that. That’s not safe. ” with a firm voice. Or when your child is hitting you or spitting on you. It’s not mean to say “No. Don’t hit me. My body stays safe.” Moms will say to me “i was so mean. I’m such a terrible mom.”And I’ll say “tell me what happened” and often as they share the story, they tell me things like i’ve just described. They’ve used a firm voice when their kid was doing something unsafe. Or they set a boundary with their body. Or when they’ve clearly communicated to their child that their behavior doesn’t work.When your 3 year old is screaming in a restaurant, It’s not mean to take them outside and with a very clear voice say “Screaming in a restaurant isn’t ok. We will go back inside when your body is calm. Let me help you by jumping up and down together.”When your 8 year old is using swear words, it’s not mean to say “Those words are not ok. You can stay here with us as long as you use kind words”. It’s also not mean to say “Looks like you are using potty words, you can go into the bathroom and say those and come out when you’re ready.”It’s not mean to let your child know that because they made you late for work 4 times this week you aren’t willing to drive them to the mall on Saturday. It’s not mean to leave your 7 year old at home with mom or day when you go to target (even if you promised) if they called you a stupid wicked woman earlier that day.  It’s not mean to hold a 4 year olds hands when they are hitting you or their sibling. It’s not mean to not give your teen their allowance or let them drive the car or buy them a new dress  or tie  for homecoming  if their room is a mess.Using a firm voice isn’t mean.Keeping people safe isn’t mean.Having limits isn’t mean.Enforcing your boundaries isn’t mean.Following through on consequences isn’t mean.Don’t confuse being firm with being mean. Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away. There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage. And right now, if you are hearing me say these examples, you might be flooded with shame and guilt. The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it. I want to model this for you. I’m going to share with you - right now- a moment when I was too physical with my child. A moments when instead of being firm, I was mean. And this is are hard to admit. But I also know that when we keep moments like this in the dark, we are strangled by the shame of those moments. We get stuck in that shame of feeling like we are bad and wrong. And being stuck in shame is the opposite of becoming calm. Ok, so there was this moment when Lincoln was around 18 months. We were on a camping trip and it was hot and dusty and I was pretty overwhelmed by it. Keeping a baby safe around a fire and with dirt and all of that was hard for me. We hadn’t slept much. It was the morning, and it was just lincoln and I in the tent and he needed a diaper change. While I was changing his diaper, he kicked me in the stomach. I have no idea if it was a hard kick or not, but it hurt. And without a second of pause, I slapped his leg. It was kick/slap. Like that fast. And I saw that red handprint on his little leg and I was filled with GUILT. Guilt is a normal emotion and it makes sense to feel it when we do something wrong. When we hurt someone. When we are mean. Then, almost immediately, I was flooded with shame. Shame is different from guilt. Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there’s something wrong with me. In that moment I was like “I am a terrible mom. I shouldn’t even be a mom, If other moms knew I did this they would hate me. I hate me” Then I catastrophized the moment and made it mean a lot about the future “Im going to fuck up this kid. He’s going to be such a mess. I’m ruining him”. In that moment I didn’t admit I needed help. My shame kept me trapped. I didn’t really address my rage. My reactivity. The trauma response I was acting out. Let me say a quick note on what I mean by trauma response – As a child I experienced a lot of abuse and neglect. One of my coping strategies was to be hypervigilant and protective of myself to make

After 10 years of coaching parents, I’ve said a lot of things. But there are certain pieces of information, advice and mindset shifts that I come back to over and over again. In this episode, I’m sharing the five things I say the MOST as a parenting coach.And even if you’ve heard me say some of these before, they’re always worth hearing again. #1 Be comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. It’s in the tough moments of life where real learning and growing happens. And this can be hard for us to witness as parents. Comfort with their discomfort looks like compassion without blame, shame, rescuing or saying “I told you so”. #2 Feelings drive behavior.All behavior is a result of thoughts and feelings, including your children's misbehavior.When kids don't know what to do with their feelings, they show up in ways that don't work (hitting, shouting, complaining, whining, name-calling, refusal, ignoring, etc).But what if these behaviors don’t mean anything about our child’s character? What if these behaviors are just a form of communication? A way for your child to express their feelings?#3 Parent the kid in front of you.I like to say parent the kid in front of you, not the one you think you should have or the one you are afraid they'll become.If your kid makes a mistake or misbehaves, that's information and insight to what your child already knows and what they still need to learn.#4 Consistency is bullshit. Commitment is key. Parents are always told that they should be consistent. Consistency is based around the idea to do the same thing every time, every day, in the same way.Being consistent isn't possible, really. Because life isn't consistent.I teach my clients to focus on commitment. When you are committed to a new limit, when you really want something to happen (like bedtime, chores, screen rules, no toys at the table, whatever), and it doesn't work out right away, you won't get so discouraged. You won't need to blame yourself.Instead, you will reset and keep showing up for yourself, no matter how many times life gets in the way.#5 Motherhood is a relationship, not a job.When moms feel guilty, it's usually because they are trying to solve problems that aren't theirs.This happens when you think being a mom is your "job".In a job, you are responsible for a specific outcome. You have to complete certain tasks to get a result and if you don't do those tasks, the job doesn't get done and it's your fault.You aren't responsible for your children's outcomes. And that can be a hard thing to accept.I encourage you to pick one of these ideas and practice it this week. And listen to the full episode for a deeper dive.You’ll Learn:5 game-changing parenting conceptsHow different coping strategies show up in your kid’s behaviorThe difference between consistency and commitmentHow the way you view your role as a mom might lead to guilt or disappointmentIf you want help with any of the concepts I talked about on the podcast this week, I encourage you to join Calm Mama Club. There's so much cool stuff happening in that group. You’ll have access to weekly live group coaching calls, a new support group for parents of teens and Calm Mama Happy Hours and Coffee Mornings. You’ll connect with like-minded mamas in the private Facebook group and there are tons of course materials and resources available to you on demand. It’s everything you need to get calm and be more connected to your kid. Join us now.