Become A Calm Mama

I’ve just dropped off my youngest son at college. And rather than focus on my home being an empty nest, I like to think of it as my roomier nest. You’ll Learn:How to find the wisdom in procrastinationThe different ways feelings show up in our bodies and mindsMy take on an empty nestWhat I want out of this next stageI hope that by sharing my story and perspective, you’ll feel less alone and understand what we’re really going through during this time. ---------------------------My Roomier Nest StoryOn Sawyer’s drop-off day, I really didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t start the day in my big feelings, but I recognized that I’d been finding ways to procrastinate and avoid this day all summer. I really didn’t want to even think about him leaving. Even as the time grew closer, I kept myself busy with the practical pieces, the shopping, the planning.When move-in day came, I noticed that I was grumpy and testy, which is unusual for me. When I got in my car after a physical therapy appointment, I suddenly felt so sick - nauseous and heavy, like I’d been punched in the stomach. The closest name I could give the emotion was dread. But it wasn’t in my head. It was fully in my body. Something in my very core did not feel good. As soon as I got home, I started to cry really hard. I pulled it together for an amazing call with the Calm Mama Club, and when I got off of Zoom, I went numb. I kept going through the motions of running errands, packing up the car and riding to Santa Barbara. But through the whole drive, I could tell that my nervous system was on fire. I didn’t feel safe. I was anxious and on edge. I was breathing quickly and sweating. Again, it was such a physiological reaction. We got him moved in and met up with my older son for dinner. Afterward, it was time for Sawyer to go to an orientation meeting and start his dorm life. There wasn’t really a reason for us to go back with him, so we said goodbye in front of the sushi restaurant and he drove away. It wasn’t how I pictured it. I thought we’d go back to his dorm, I’d take some pictures, we’d have some more time. As my husband and I started driving home, I wasn’t having a ton of feelings and I got really chatty (the opposite of my reaction when we left Lincoln at school the year before). But as we took the exit toward our house, my body went haywire. I got this overwhelming feeling in my stomach. Without getting too graphic, I made it home and spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. It was like a physiological grief. I wasn’t thinking my feelings. I was feeling them fully in my body. To be honest, all of this was a bit of a shock to me. I hadn’t been feeling much. I thought I was okay. But the body never lies. We store stress in our bodies, and our bodies communicate with us. Finally, I fell asleep. When I woke up, I felt like someone had died. It was a deep, deep grief. My past experiences of grief have been physiological, too. I get very tired and achy. I need to be cozy in my bed. So that’s what I’ve been doing - getting up for the must-dos of my day and then retreating back to my bed.All of this to say, your reaction to this change may not be what you expected. It might sneak up on you or show up in a surprising way. Whatever you feel and however those feelings come up are okay. A New StageMy youngest son moving out marks the end of my motherhood years. Some part of my identity and my existence has ended. I need to allow this chapter of my life to come to a close.I loved raising kids, and the experience changed me on a deep level. I’ve used this opportunity to become aware, heal, evaluate and grow. Of course, I’m still a mom. But my kids are adults. They’re grown, and I am about to embark on a new journey.In order to move on, we have to allow ourselves to grieve. To let go of motherhood as we’ve known it so far and make room for the next stage. You can grieve and feel sorrow while also holding hope for what’s next.I’m calling my next stage the roomier nest. With more room in my home and my life, I’ll have more time, energy and capacity to love my children and love myself more deeply. To use the metaphor of our kids’ lives being a sporting event, I no longer have a courtside seat, but I can’t wait to hear the recap. I love hearing their stories and what’s going on in their lives. And I’ve realized that I want even more than that. I want them to come to me before the game and share their strategy. Tell me what they’re thinking and the decisions they’re going to make. I want to be their sounding board and mentor. In order to make that happen, I have to step back further and further. I have to let go and be okay with the transition we’re experiencing so that I can create space for what’s next. I think this is what we all want. The end goal isn’t just to launch our kids into adulthood. We also want to have amazing relationships with them when

Over the course of my experience being a mom and coaching hundreds of other moms, I’ve noticed 3 distinct stages of motherhood. No matter what stage you’re in right now, I want you to feel seen and understand more about why you feel the way you feel. In this episode, I’ll explain these stages and give practical advice for surviving the 3 stages of motherhood.You’ll Learn:The 3 stages of motherhoodHow to get a break when your body is exhausted and your brain is overwhelmedMy favorite tool to soothe your heart during the tween and teen yearsNone of these stages lasts forever, and there are things you can do to support yourself along the way.-------------------------------The Body StageIn the first 6 years of your kid’s life, parenting is very, very physical. Your kid is all over your body, wanting to be held, holding your hand, just wanting to be close to you. You’re using your body a lot so you’re physically drained, but you might also feel really bored at times because it’s not that mentally stimulating. When I was in this stage, all I wanted was a place where I could lay down and not have anybody touching my body. If you’re in this stage now, the goal is to take excellent care of your body. I’m not talking about fitness or the size or strength of your body. The key is thinking about how to rest your body and take care of it in a way that feels really good to you. Maybe it’s taking a long shower or bath, getting a massage, watching TV or laying down in the afternoon while your kid is napping. Be gracious with yourself. Of course you're tired. Of course you need rest. If you have the resources, you can also think about getting a babysitter for just a few hours a week so that you have a bit of a break. A family member or friend might be willing to help you out with this, too. The Mind StageWhen your kid is between 6-12 years old, you move into the mind stage. These years feel like a jigsaw puzzle of scheduling. You're trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table, get homework done, manage appointments and schoolwork and get your kids to the practices or activities that they need to get to.With your kids, this is also a time when you’re doing a lot of teaching and talking. They have questions. They want to complain and problem solve with you. The mental load during these years is huge. Your mind is going to be taxed during these years, so you need to figure out how to take mental breaks. What can you do to just relax and have fun? This is a great stage to spend more time with other moms. Maybe you love to read or want to do something creative or artistic. Maybe you just want to mindlessly watch Love Island for hours. No judgment here!If you’re at home during the day, taking a break before the kids get home from school will help you feel recharged and ready for the problems, sibling squabbles, homework, activities, etc. that start when they come in the door. The Heart StageWhen your kid gets into middle school and high school, you enter a stage where your heart is concerned for them all the time. It feels existential. It feels scary. It feels like you don't have as much power or control. Your kid is making decisions. They're creating new friendships. They're away from you a lot more, often for longer periods of time. This is the stage that I’m reaching the end of right now. My heart is so tender. I feel for myself. I get scared sometimes. I get overwhelmed. I get angry. I get worried. I have a lot of emotions. And I also feel for my kids as they go through all these hard stages of life. It feels like the only thing that’s really left at this stage is your heart connection with your kid. It’s beautiful, but it can also be heartbreaking. You’ll need to soothe your own heart a lot through this period of time.My favorite strategy in this stage is to practice a Positive Parenting Vision. Think about the future, and imagine the best case scenario that you want for your child. Hold a vision that they are going to grow and overcome and become whoever they're meant to be.If they're making mistakes right now, imagine them overcoming and learning from these mistakes. If they're struggling with something socially, emotionally or academically, imagine them getting the resources they need and overcoming, becoming that next version of themselves. It used to feel like I had a front row seat to my kids’ lives. Now, I’m not even in the building. I get the highlight reel after the game is over. When I start to worry, I go back to that positive parenting vision. Other ways to support yourself during this stage are to rely on friends and create hobbies or interests outside of motherhood. Focus on things that bring you satisfaction and joy so that when the “empty nest” time comes, you won’t feel so empty. Take care of your heart. Tend to it. Talk about it. Get support. Talk to other parents who are going through it. Find new interests and hobbies so that yo

It’s that time of year, so I’m back with an encore episode sharing my top 5 back to school tips. In this episode, you’ll find strategies (and a few reality checks) for a smooth transition into the new school year. You’ll Learn:5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle themThoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transitionWhat your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school yearAn exercise to help you prepare your mindsetThe transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. There are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. ------------------------------I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.  My Top 5 Back To School TipsUnderstand that your kid may not like their teacher. Especially in the beginning and with younger kids, they might feel shy or not want to talk to their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Going back to school is really tiring for kids. They’re sitting still, having a lot of sensory input, learning new rules or routines and meeting new people. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing. Your kid really needs time to connect with you when they come home, and it is the antidote to sibling conflict and annoying behavior.Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort. When you believe that they’re going to be okay, it’s easier for them to believe it, too.Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more Big Feeling Cycles (aka tantrums or meltdowns) are likely to happen.  Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.  Helpful Back To School ThoughtsFeeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. It will take time to figure out our rhythm and routine. These first couple weeks are a time of curiosity and exploration. What feels difficult? Where’s the friction? What’s working well?I have plenty of time. As you’re figuring out your routines, it might take longer to get out the door in the morning. Dropoff and pickup lines might be long and slow. Give yourself time and permission to figure it out.I don’t have to be perfect today. If you’re stressed because you’re trying to reach an unreasonable “perfect mom” standard, you’ll put pressure on your kids and they will feel it - which leads to acting out and big feelings. My kids are 100% going to master the back to school routine. There’s no timeline here. It will take as long as it takes, but they will get there.Take a few moments to write out a list of thoughts that you want to be thinking during the first week of school. Feel free to borrow mine or come up with your own.  I also want to leave you with the idea that your job is to deliver the calmest, most emotionally regulated kid you can to school in the morning. I call this a gentle handoff. In order to do this, you need to be calm yourself and have realistic expectations for the morning. Your stress is contagious. But so is your positive thinking and calm.You are the leader in your home, in both mindset and operations. Your family WILL figure this out.   Free Resources:Episode 30: Make Mornings EasierEasy Mornings With Kids: The Ultimate Morning Routine RoadmapGet your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Shee

It can feel really hard when your kid is unhappy or uncomfortable. It’s easy to blame yourself and feel like you should have done something differently. But your kid’s happiness isn’t your job. In this episode, I’ll explain what I mean by that and how you can help your child process their emotions without trying to solve all their problems for them. You’ll Learn:How much responsibility you have for your kid’s happinessWhy making your kid’s happiness your job might actually be creating other problemsHow to support your child through negative emotion in a way that empowers them to soothe and regulate themselfWe all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.--------------------------------Motherhood is confusing. There are so many different stages and phases. Babies are so vulnerable. They rely on you for everything. But as kids get older, we have to figure out how to back away, give them more responsibility & freedom, let them grow, change & make mistakes so that they build the skills and resiliency that they need in order to launch into adulthood.One of the biggest skills you can teach your kid is emotional literacy - understanding what they’re feeling, how to express it and what to do with their emotions. Your Kid’s Happiness Isn’t Your JobWe all want our kids to be happy. But what I want even more is for your child to be able to move through any emotion. I want them to be able to be flexible and to have resilience in the face of hardship. To develop those skills and traits, they need to experience discomfort.Often, when your kid is upset or uncomfortable, you go into problem solving mode. You try to figure out how to help them feel better and how to prevent that kind of discomfort in the future. It’s normal not to want your kid to be unhappy, but there are a couple things that happen when you work so hard to prevent it. First, it might keep you from showing up the way you want to and being the emotional coach for your kid. When you think it’s your responsibility to make your kid happy, you might end up thinking negatively about yourself. You might think you’re not a good mom, that you should have planned/done/said something differently. You might see your child’s struggles as being your fault. Or think that you have to work harder and be better. This is a really hard place for you to be. And I want you to know that you don’t have to take on that guilt. Second, you end up paving such an easy path for your child that they don’t have the opportunity to work through problems on their own, which is how they develop resilience and emotional literacy. It simply isn’t possible to prevent all problems and discomfort. Even the most “perfect” parent (not a real thing anyway) cannot prevent unhappy situations from happening. None of us feels happy all the time. Your kid is going to have hard things happen. It’s a part of life. We don’t want them outsourcing their happiness to you or anyone else. Instead, we want them to believe that they have the power to make themself happy even when shitty stuff happens.Your job isn’t to eliminate discomfort for your kid. It is to teach them how to handle it and move through their emotions in a healthy way. Guide them when they are unhappy. Allow them to see that they can handle their feelings, that they know how to feel unhappy and how to shift to a different emotion. How To Support Your Kid’s EmotionsBefore you can coach your kid, you have to shift your own thoughts. If you are thinking, “It’s my fault. I have to fix this,” or other bad thoughts about yourself, you’re going to get dysregulated. You won’t be able to stay calm. If you are judging or blaming yourself for their feelings or you are anxious about their negative emotion, you will likely try to shut down their emotion or rush them through it. You want them to feel better quickly so that you can feel better. But trying to soothe your kid so that you feel better is backwards. Start by soothing yourself so that you can show up for your child as that calm, neutral, compassionate witness. A more helpful thought than, “It’s my job to make my kids happy,” is “It’s my job to make sure my kids can handle all their feelings.” When your kid is upset, sad or disappointed, give time and space for them to feel those uncomfortable feelings. Be in the Big Feeling Cycle with them. Be neutral, show compassion and trust that they will shift out of the negative emotion. Shifting between different pieces of the nervous system takes a little longer for kids because they don’t have the same perspective and experiences that adults have. As an adult, you’ve been through hard things. You know that you can overcome them, and you have a different pers

If you’ve ever thought, “But my kid only listens when I yell,” this is for you. Today, I’m explaining why threats aren’t great when you’re trying to change behavior and what to do instead.You’ll Learn:Why threats might work short-term but aren’t great in the long runThe difference between threats and limits How to set limits that workWhat to do when your kid doesn’t stay within your boundariesIn traditional parenting, fear is often used to pivot a child's behavior. We get mean and harsh and threaten that something bad will happen if they don’t comply. But when you want to raise emotionally healthy kids who think for themselves, you need a different approach. ---------------------------------Why We ThreatenOne reason parents use threats with their kids is simply because it’s what they know. It’s how they were raised.But even for those of us who are practicing a more compassionate approach, threats still creep up.The reason is that when your kid misbehaves, you get into your limbic (emotional) center. You feel frustrated or overwhelmed. Changing the behavior feels like an urgent need, even an emergency. You get into “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy. You want your kid to listen to you and do what you tell them - right now. And when they don’t you might use threats to trigger fear in them and get them to comply. Why Threats Aren’t GreatThe truth is that when we use threats to trigger fear in our children, they are more compliant. It’s effective in changing behavior. However, there is a long-term cost to that short-term gain.Threats put your child into their fight, flight, freeze or fawn instinct, where they are driven by emotion. They feel vulnerable When you’re really upset with your kid and threatening them, it not only triggers a fear of the threat. It can trigger a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment. I don’t want your kids to respond to you because they’re afraid of being hurt, physically or emotionally. The other problem with the command-threat model is that when you tell your kid to stop doing something, their brain doesn’t really know what to do instead. We want to help them move from the limbic center (where everything is driven by emotion) to executive function (where they’re actually thinking). We want them to choose to do what’s in their best interest. By communicating limits, we tell them what we want them to do and help guide their brain toward the behavior we want.  Shifting from Threats to LimitsA limit helps kids understand what is expected of them and what they get when they meet those expectations. In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct, you set clear boundaries and then let your child experience what happens when they don’t keep that limit. The goal of limit setting is not to get compliance in the moment. It is to get your kid to think about their actions and start to connect the dots between how they behave and what happens when they behave that way.Here’s how to get started with limits.Step 1: Flip the threat into a limit. Often, when a limit is needed, you’ll see a pattern of behavior that you want to change. Identify the problem and the limit you want to set around it, and communicate it clearly to your child.When you’re first practicing limits, it can help to start by saying it the “wrong” way - like a command along with a threat or a bribe. You might tell them that they need to stop doing something or else something bad will happen. For example, “If you don’t stop fighting with your brother, I’m turning this car around and going home.”Then, shift it slightly to focus on what the child can do or have and what conditions they must meet. For example, “We can go to the park for a playdate as long as there are no problems in the car on the way there.”Step 2: Don’t rescue. Rescuing looks like reminding your kid over and over again or not following through on the limit you set. You are trying to rescue them from the consequence by giving them more chances to comply.Step 3: Follow through on your limit. Let your child experience the impact of their behavior. The first few times you set limits, your kid probably won't believe you. They’ll think it’s just a threat, and they probably won’t listen. In the short term, the behavior might not change. That’s kinda the point. We want them to experience the negative impact of their behavior, because that is how they learn.Step 4: Ride out the big feelings. When you follow through on a limit, your kid won’t like it. They might be sad, mad or disappointed, they might cry or yell. It’s normal for them to have a negative emotion when they experience a negative consequence. Don’t be afraid of their feelings. They will pass. Hold firm on your boundary.  After a few times of experiencing the consequences within the limit, you kid will start to realize that it's in their best interest to listen to you. They won’t

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer.If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. You’ll Learn:Why this late summer with kids feels so tough (it’s totally normal!)How to get what you want out of the rest of the summerWhat to do when your kid’s behavior has gotten out of controlHow to fit mini breaks into your busy dayI’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you.-------------------------------------Believe me when I tell you that you are not the only one feeling this way. We’re in the doldrums of summer, where the initial excitement has worn off but it’s not back-to-school time just yet. Whatever You’ve Done Is EnoughIt’s easy to look around and think that other families have it easier, other moms seem happier and other kids are having more fun. But whatever you’ve done is enough.Whether your kids are home or at camp, no matter what they’re doing, they’re probably going to look back on their summer as being pretty great. Because they’re not at school. Summer is magical for children. There’s fun and late nights and ice cream and maybe a vacation. You don’t have to create some unicorn magical experience for your kid in order to create a good feeling for them. So whatever you've done or whatever you've planned, I want you to sink into the fact that it's enough. Your kids are having a great summer because it's summer. That is enough. Late Summer StrategiesThat being said, there’s some summer left to go, and you might need a little boost to help you through it.This time of the summer can be a great time for a reset. I’m sharing 3 different strategies you can try. Option #1: Mindset ResetThis reset will help you figure out what you want out of the rest of the summer and make it happen.I often talk about chasing feelings, and this is exactly that. How do you want the rest of your summer to feel? How do you want to feel while it’s happening? Personally I have been feeling a bit discouraged, sad and disappointed lately, thinking things like, “This summer was wasted,” and “I didn’t plan well. I didn’t do it right.” So I’m working to shift to a more positive mindset. For the rest of my summer, I’m chasing connection. I want to feel really close to my kids. I’m practicing thoughts like, “I can make family time happen,” “My kids love hanging out with us,” “My kids want to be part of a family,” and “Connection happens in simple ways.”From these thoughts, I’ll decide on some actions I want to take to feel that connection. Then, I’ll ask my kids if they’d be interested in or willing to do those things. If not, we’ll brainstorm together and come up with some new ideas. Choose the feeling you want to chase, come up with some thoughts that will help you feel that way and make a list of actions that will help you get the thing you want for the rest of the summer. Option #2: Limit ResetIf your kids seem super dysregulated or you’re seeing a lot of sibling squabbles or out-of-bounds behavior, it might be time for a Limit Reset.A big thing that happens during the summer is that we go outside of our boundaries and get loosey goosey on limits around bedtime, sugar or screens. It’s fun in the summer to let some of the structure go and be a bit more free. But healthy diets, good sleep habits and limited screen time help our kids’ nervous systems stay regulated (and they behave better). If you feel like things have gotten out of balance, take a beat and reset to your typical family rhythms.Build the normal rules you have during the school year back into your day. Take a day or a few days to get back into that old routine. A thought that might help with this (especially if things don’t go quite as planned) is, “I can always get back to our rhythms and limits.” You can also think of this as a “breathe in” day. We’re out and about a lot in the summer. When there’s a lot going on, it’s a lot of stimulation and can be hard on kids’ nervous systems. During a “breathe in” day, you just chill and recharge. Do quiet activities, relax at home, bake some cookies or make popsicles. Settle everyone down and let their nervous systems get back to a baseline.  Option #3: Reset Your BodyThis one is about managing your own burnout. If your body is crying out for a break, you need to take one. You get to take breaks.Ideally, you can get at least a couple of hours to rest. Swap childcare with a friend, take an afternoon off

Today, I’m talking about how to do a digital detox, why you should consider trying it and the benefits to your kids. Plus, I’ll give you tips and some ideas of what your kids can do when they aren't on screens.You’ll Learn:What a digital detox is and why you might do oneHow to know if now is the right time for a detoxWays a digital detox can benefit your kidsTips for doing a digital detox in your familyI always say my life’s mission is to heal the next generation in advance. One of the ways I want to help you do this is by giving you strategies to avoid overexposing your children to the virtual world while underexposing them to real life opportunities.A digital detox takes screen time limits to another level. It is an intentional period of time (usually 2 to 3 weeks) when you’re taking screens off the table and resetting your child’s brain and nervous system. -------------------------------When our kids spend a lot of time in the virtual world on screens, the big opportunity cost is that they aren’t spending that time doing real life stuff. Before we really get into it, I want to remind you that just listening to this podcast or reading this blog shows that you care about being a parent (and you’re already a really amazing one!). No need to judge or criticize yourself if you realize that there are some things you’d like to change. Does Your Kid Need a Digital Detox?Kids’ brains were not built to be exposed to high levels of stimulation and dopamine all the time (which is what they get from screens). Digital entertainment can overload children’s nervous systems, increase their cortisol (a stress hormone) and make everything else seem boring. In our family, we introduced tech pretty slowly to our kids. They had really limited access to screens, and we didn’t give them video games until they were 10 and 12 years old. When the video games started, I immediately noticed intense dysregulation, more fighting and agitation. So, one summer, I decided to do our first detox. The first couple of days were a little rough, but I very quickly noticed that the intensity, dysregulation and frustration in our house cooled down. The kids started to play together more. They were more compliant. They were happier. So every once in a while over the next few years, we did a 2 or 3 week detox.Tantrums and Big Feeling Cycles are normal, but these are some signs that there could be some screen overuse going on:Screen time is getting in the way of real life connectionBehavioral concerns after screen time ends (tantrums, outbursts)Loss of interest in non-screen activitiesChild seems sad, anxious or withdrawnDifficulty expressing themselves or making eye contactIntense sibling fightsConstant complaints about being boredChild feels difficult to get along withStruggling in school or campChild has low-frustration toleranceChild’s ability to concentrate has decreased or not expanding Each kid’s nervous system and tolerance to screens is different. Ultimately, if your kid seems a little off-balance, I invite you to consider a digital detox.  Benefits of a Digital DetoxOne of my clients recently shared with me that she thinks the reason they’re having such a good summer is because they’ve pulled back all devices, and the kids are just playing all the time. When you do a digital detox and your child knows in their mind that they don't have the option of getting a device, it forces their brain to find other solutions. If you give the brain the chance, it will rise to the occasion.Here are some of the biggest benefits.You’re giving your child the gift of time. This creates a giant opportunity for other real life experiences and skills. They play more, read more and use their creativity. They can get into drawing, practice an instrument or basketball or swimming, ride a bike. They get to practice failing. In play, kids experiment and try things. Some things work and some don’t. They have the opportunity to problem solve and figure it out. They build resilience to frustration and learn to work through challenges. Your kid will learn that they can handle things, that they're smart and creative, which boosts confidence.Behavior improves. Without digital entertainment, the nervous system gets a chance to balance itself. When your child is not stressed by ups and downs in dopamine and cortisol, they aren’t as frustrated, irritated or anxious. They behave better because they feel better. Sleep and mood can also improve.  How To Do a Digital DetoxA digital detox can be hard, but it’s probably not as hard as you think. 2 weeks might sound like a long time, but it actually goes by pretty quickly. Step 1: Look at your calendar and choose 2 weeks for the digital detox. Choose a time when you feel capable and ready to handle it, to give it your attention. If your kids are in camps this summer, starting on a Monday might make the transition easier. Personally, I think the 2

Cultivating a screen free mindset is the first step to helping your kids develop a healthy relationship with technology. Today, you’ll learn what it means to have a screen free mindset (it doesn’t mean no screens ever!) and how to get started setting new limits with your family.You’ll learn:The problems with too much screen timeScreen time best practices for kids of all agesHow I managed screen time for my kids from the early days through the teen yearsGuidelines to help you adopt a screen free mindsetExamples of limits around screen use (including what to do when they won’t turn it off)While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be. --------------------------------As a parenting coach, I’ll never tell you what your values should be or what you should or shouldn’t do. My goal is to help you understand what your values are and give you strategies to help your life align with the values you choose. Ultimately, what I stand for is raising kids in a way that does not cause harm. As more research comes out about technology and screen use, we’re seeing that too much screen use actually does harm children. There aren’t a lot of protections for kids in the virtual world. Tech companies aren’t interested in limiting children's use because they get more money and data from that use. This means that it falls to parents to create those limits.Today, I’ll provide some best practices for kids and screens. While you may not approach technology use in exactly the same way I have with my family, I hope this information will help you figure out what you want your family’s guidelines to be.  Screen Use Best PracticesWhen it comes to things like sleep and nutrition, most of us have a general idea of what kids need. You can use those guidelines as a baseline ideal. You know how you want your kids to eat and how much sleep you want them to get, but you also know that some days will be closer to that ideal than others. The Centers for Disease Control, Pediatrics Magazine and the Journal of Adolescent Health (among others) are starting to establish similar guidelines for kids and screens. For our purposes, screens include tv, phone, tablet, computer or any other devices. Here’s what they’ve laid out by age:0 to 3 years old - no screens3 to 7 years old - 30-60 minutes per day7 to 12 years old - about an hour a day12 to 15 years old - 1.5 hours per day16 and older - 2 hours per dayCurrently, most kids ages 5 and up are getting around 5 hours per day of discretionary screen time - far beyond the recommended amount.And studies have shown that kids who have more than the recommended amount of screen time tend to have worse executive functioning, declines in academic performance, delayed language development and detrimental effects on social and emotional growth. They are also more likely to have obesity, sleep disorders, or mental health conditions like depression and anxiety.  Screen Free MindsetIf this is a little overwhelming to you, you’re not alone. Kids love screens, and you’re a busy mom. It’s hard to manage the time and boredom and all of it. But you can start with small changes, including the way you think about screens and your family.  Screen free mindset means that you make an intentional decision that your child's free, unstructured time should be screen free as the default choice. For example, if you’re waiting at the doctor’s office or in a restaurant, rather than handing them your phone, you decide that it will be screen-free time. The idea is that, instead of automatically giving screen time as the default, you are being intentional about when people are allowed to use screens in your family.  Try thinking about it like this: When you think about your child’s diet, you plan meals, and dessert is a bonus. With a screen free mindset, devices are the dessert - not an essential. There is an opportunity cost every time your child uses a device. That means they could be using that time to do something else with their brain and body, including:Moving their bodiesFree playOutdoor timeReading, writing or drawingInteracting with people face-to-face Screen free time gives kids opportunities to find other ways to entertain themselves and cope with hard moments or feelings without using technology as a pacifier. It also allows them to practice waiting, impulse control and attention to their bodies. Kids are wired to create and explore and be bored. Your work is to cultivate the mindset that most of your child’s life is going to be screen free. Managing Screen TimeIf your child has been using screens more than the recommended amount, I don’t want you to stress out or feel ashamed. You’re a great parent, and you have lots of time. They are still developing. The goal now is to work on that screen free mindse

During the summer, kids have the opportunity for more leisure time, free play and creativity. But as a parent, you might not like the way your kid acts when they’re bored. In this episode, you’ll learn why encouraging boredom is a good thing and how you can feel more at peace when your kids are bored, dysregulated and frustrated this summer. You’ll learn:Why kids act out when they’re boredHow to handle your kid’s boredomWhy encouraging boredom is great for the whole familyHow to create opportunities for your kids to practice being bored and working through itWhen we give our kids opportunities to be imaginative, creative and overcome boredom, they also develop resilience, grit and confidence. It is powerful for your child to realize that they can deal with discomfort and figure out a solution.----------------------------------The Boredom GapIt can help to think about boredom as the time between activities. I call this the “boredom gap”. Kids are used to having most of their day filled with structure and adult-directed activities. But the way they act when they’re bored is often an obstacle to giving them more of that free unstructured time that kids need.When kids are bored, they get dysregulated. Basically, they feel out of balance and uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with that discomfort, so they start acting out. They start bugging their sibling, complaining, being grumpy, having a big feeling cycle, or doing something naughty.Your tendency might be to jump in and give a bunch of suggestions of things your kid can do. I love having some ideas for boredom busters handy, but you have to offer them up at the right time.Often, we jump in with suggestions before our kids are ready. There’s a cycle that your child’s brain needs to go through when it is dysregulated, and they might not be ready yet for solutions. When your kid is bored and dysregulated, their brain is uncomfortable. It is looking for the easiest way to soothe that discomfort. Screens are a really common request when kids are bored because it’s an easy dopamine hit. It’s the quick fix that makes them feel better in the short term, but it isn’t going to truly satisfy them. Think of it as being hungry and choosing a brownie over broccoli. Plus, the more time kids spend on devices, the more their brains crave that fast, easy stimulation.  How To Handle BoredomWait. You have to get comfortable with your kid’s discomfort. Be compassionate and acknowledge what is happening. Look at your child and think, “Oh, they don't know what to do with themselves. They're bored, and they haven't figured out something to do with their brain yet.” If you need to calm yourself during this time, try thoughts like, “I can handle this,” or “I know they’re going to find a solution.”Connect. If your child is acting dysregulated, you can use the Connection Tool to ask them if they’re having a rough time or feeling frustrated. Instead of trying to shut down their complaining, recognize that they are struggling and give them space to release some of that stress juice. It’s important to soothe before you solve. Narrate what you’re seeing. Help them name what they’re feeling. The mental discomfort of boredom can also bring up feelings of loneliness, frustration or annoyance. Offer strategies for them to soothe themself. Encourage problem solving. Once they are a bit calmer, say, “It’s normal to feel bored. That makes sense. I’m sure you’ll figure out a solution.” You can ask about their ideas or if they want suggestions from you. Invite them to think about what comes next and allow your kid’s brain to find its own solution. .  Encouraging BoredomHow long the boredom gap lasts depends on how often your child has experienced boredom. The more your kids are bored, the better they get at overcoming and moving quickly through the boredom gap. With practice, their brain gets trained to solve the boredom problem.Decreasing reliance on screens is one part of this. The brain is naturally going to crave screens, sweets and other easy solutions. When you take these options off the table (at least sometimes), the brain has to work harder, but it’s better for it. Essentially, the more screen breaks you create, the easier it will be for your kids to shift from restless protest to creative exploration. There will be resistance. Allow for some of that, be compassionate and trust that your child will figure it out. Allow longer blocks of unscheduled time. In the summer (and even during the school year), many families have gaps of 30-45 minutes between planned activities. This isn’t really enough time for kids to figure out an activity and really get into it and enjoy it. When you have these smaller gaps, it can help to have a plan in mind, like quiet reading time, coloring or some chores.When you can, block out longer periods of time for your kid to practice working through bo

We know that play is fun, but there is so much more to it than that. Today, I’m talking about the importance of play-based childhoods, why our society has moved away from them and some strategies to bring play back into your family and create a play-based childhood for your kid.You’ll Learn:The importance of play for our kidsWhy play is a challenge in our current societyThe key elements of playHow to create a play-based childhood for your kidIdeas for child-led, open-ended games and toysOne of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging.-----------------------------------Kids want to play, and they need to play. They have a lot to learn before they become adults, and experience (i.e. play) is the key to emotional, psychological, physical and cultural development.Why Play Is ImportantThe true purpose of play is for kids to learn how to be adults. They have to learn to move their bodies in a variety of ways, navigate a complex environment, develop fine motor skills, learn to interact with others and build lots of brain skills (both neurological and psychological). One of the most important things to understand is that learning happens through experience, not information. I like to joke that if lectures worked, I would not have a job. Kids don’t listen when we tell them how to act. They have to go through hard things, experience the impacts and figure it out for themselves. Play allows kids to struggle and learn in ways that feel fun, interesting and challenging. It works best when kids have unstructured time to explore their creativity, relationships, conflict, responsibility, and lots of other valuable skills. When we provide this open time, our kids learn faster and they start to understand how the world works. Play in our SocietyAs a society, we have moved away from play-based childhood and more toward structured, academic enrichment environments or screen-based childhoods. There are several reasons this has happened. Sometime around the early 90s, a lot more kids started applying to college and it became much more competitive. So, as a society, we started to work more to prepare kids for academic achievement and college admissions, even from a very young age. This led to more academic enrichment activities and a lot more structure. Don’t get me wrong - learning a foreign language, practicing an instrument, playing sports and taking art classes are cool, but when we fill kids’ schedules with more and more of these adult-led activities, there’s less time left over for unstructured play, curiosity and creativity. Sometimes, even families who want that unstructured time struggle because their kids’ friends are unavailable to come over to play or go to the park. So they end up enrolling their kids in more activities because that’s what their friends are doing. We are also living in a car-centric society. Many of us live in cities or areas where our kids can’t really get places on their own. There aren’t open spaces to explore, and they rely on parents to take them places. And many of us have lost some social connection. Maybe you don’t know your neighbors very well or your kids don’t go to the same school as other neighborhood kids. Finally, 24-hour news channels and constant alerts on our phones and social media feeds are putting negative news stories in our face that are meant to alarm us. Because of this, we don’t trust other adults as much, and we want to protect our kids.I share this because I want you to see that you are parenting in a system that makes a play-based childhood hard to achieve. But there are ways that you can opt-out of some of this stuff and provide your child with more unstructured playtime. The Value of Risk in PlayIn his book, The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt explains two different modes that we have as humans - discover and defend. Discover is about curiosity, learning and trying new things. This happens when your brain detects an opportunity - something interesting. You feel excited and motivated to do something. It activates behavior.Defend inhibits behavior. When your body or brain detects a threat, you’re flooded with stress and negative thinking, so you pull back. When we are in this mode too much, it can create chronic anxiety. We want discover mode to be our kids’ default. Here, they come up with mini challenges. Can I climb that branch? How many blocks can I put on my tower before it falls? These experiences train their brain to what their body can or can’t do. It helps kids learn to judge risk for themselves (a skill you’ll definitely want them to have when they’re older). We want them to have real world experiences and make affordable mistakes that they learn from. This way, they learn their limitatio

Who better to talk about strategies for grandparents, than one of the best grandparents I know? I’m so excited to have my mother-in-law, Judie Childress, on the podcast with me today talking all about how parenting has changed over the years and what happens when the worlds of parenting and grandparenting collide. You’ll Learn:How my mother-in-law learned about compassionate parenting as I raised my sonsWhy it’s sometimes hard to be a grandparentHow to communicate your parenting approach to your parents or in-lawsStrategies for grandparents to be a supportive part of your parenting journeyIn most cases, grandparents likely aren’t trying to control you and your family. They love you and your kids. They worry about you and want the best for all of you. Learn how to include them in your parenting journey.-------------------------------A Different Way of ParentingJudie and her husband raised their kids with a more traditional parenting style. She explains that in those days, there was no parenting class. You parented your kids the way that you were parented. It truly was a tradition that was passed down from generation to generation. As parents, we’re all doing the best we can with what we know. And for the most part, kids raised with a traditional parenting model turn out okay. The problem comes in when it works on the outside (managing behavior), but the inside sometimes doesn’t get the same support. You might grow up to be successful and know how to function in the world but still lack emotional awareness. It can also erode the relationship between parent and child and the relationship your child has with themself.When my kids were young and I was starting to get into compassionate parenting, Judie says there were a few incidents, times when her traditional parenting style was not working, that made her a believer. She realized that she needed a new way of communicating that wouldn’t lead to explosive episodes with the kids. She also shares that she would get really triggered when the kids blew up because she still had things to work through herself. Judie says that our feelings “don't just evaporate. They get buried in us, and they stay with us until we can deal with them, or they come up again somehow.” She sees how, even as adults, people try to keep their feelings below the surface because nobody ever taught them what to do with them. Grandparent StrugglesOften, grandparents struggle because they still feel the need to parent their child (you) to teach you how to parent your own child. They’re still thinking that it’s their job to teach you how to be, what to do and how to live. If you’re seeking advice or trying things that are outside of your parent’s experience or values, they might feel that they’re being disrespected. They might fear that you’re being too permissive or that you and your kid are going down the wrong path. And it’s true that traditional and compassionate parenting look different from each other. Behavior modification is quicker with traditional strategies of rewards, bribes, threats, disconnection or fear. With compassionate parenting, you often don’t get immediate compliance. It’s a slower, longer game.  Strategies For GrandparentsIn Judie's view, if you want your parents or in-laws to understand this new way of parenting, the best thing is to live it out in front of them. Let them see the way you interact with your kids and how you handle big feelings and behaviors when they come up. Another thing that can be helpful for grandparents to understand is that this is not a feelings-only model (aka permissive parenting). We address feelings first and behavior second. After getting calm and using connection, we bring it back to limits and consequences. The child isn’t “getting away” with misbehavior. Trust is huge in these situations. Judie says that her relationship with her son and me was more important than winning an argument or proving a point. Instead, she tried to trust that we were present and figuring it out. She had to trust that we would all be okay.Having conversations about your parenting approach and strategies you’re trying is also helpful to let grandparents feel involved. When you share your plan and intention, they see that you are making an effort, both with your child and with them. One statement that I love is, “It might look like I’m being permissive, but I’m not. I’m delaying consequences.” This helps the grandparents feel more calm about the situation at the same time that you’re parenting your kids. Remember the power of love. Judie says, “I think as long as you can keep loving, whether it's loving the grandparents or loving the kids, it's gonna work because you're caring more about the relationship than you are how it's done.” We can all give each other the benefit of the doubt and assume that we’re coming from a place of love. When grandparents have concerns, you

If you’re anything like me, you sometimes find yourself feeling grumpy, discontent or dissatisfied. And you’d rather be feeling joy, hope, trust or safety. Today, I’m sharing my step-by-step process for how to shift any mood. You’ll Learn:My step-by-step process to shift any moodWhy we tend to slip into negative moodsHow your thoughts help create the feelings you wantWhen to use this mood shifting practiceWhether you’re gearing up for a beach day, a long drive or a visit with your in-laws, I’m going to teach you how to feel the way you want to feel during that experience.----------------------------------How To Shift Any MoodFirst, it’s important to understand that your brain is like a muscle. Whenever you have a thought or an emotion that gets repeated in your brain, a neural pathway is formed and reinforced. Maybe you’ve gotten into a pattern of looking for problems or feeling discontent. By using more intentional thinking, we can reroute those pathways. As Robin Sharma says, “What you focus on grows, what you think about expands, and what you dwell upon determines your destiny.”Decide what mood you want to be in. Ask yourself, “How do I want to feel during this experience?” Define the feeling. Go a little deeper into what the feeling that you’re chasing really means. For example, if you want to be present, what does being present look like? If you want to feel joyful, calm, grateful or trusting, what does that mean to you? By focusing on the feeling and defining what it actually looks like and feels like in your body, you’ll be more able to experience it. Identify obstacles. What might come up that would prevent you from feeling the way you want to feel? Your brain will probably come up with these pretty naturally. It will tell you that you can’t feel joy, belonging or ease for all kinds of reasons. Now, challenge those obstacles by soothing and reassuring yourself against that fear. If you want to be present, but you’re worried about the future, remind yourself that you don’t need to worry because you’ve overcome a lot of obstacles in the past. Be intentional with your thoughts. Ask, “What thoughts help me feel the feeling I want?” List them out and choose a couple that feel good to you. You’ll use them a bit like a mantra. This is intentional thinking, and it’s how you stay in the feeling that you want and shift back into it. Reinforce the new thoughts. Chasing a feeling often feels like exactly that - it's not easy to catch. It's right in front of you, and when you grab it, it pulls away again. Your brain is resisting this new neural pathway, so it takes work to keep getting back to the feeling you want. When you notice yourself slipping into more negative feelings (getting grumpy, short-tempered, etc.), use your intentional thoughts to bring yourself back. You can use this process at any time (I love it as a daily practice), but there are a few situations when I find it especially helpful:Before a vacationBefore visiting family or in-lawsBefore holidaysWhen you’re struggling with how you feel in your bodyI invite you to do this practice and decide, on purpose, how you want to feel this summer. Chase the feeling, be intentional with your thoughts and shift any mood. Free Resources:Get the free Summer ToolkitGet your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Summer Break can somehow be both easier and more stressful for parents. Create a rhythm and make sure your kid’s (and your) needs are met with these 7 family essentials this summer.You’ll Learn:The 7 essential ingredients every family needs to thriveWhy boredom is super important and how to deal with itHow to troubleshoot when your kid is complaining, grumpy and over-tiredWhat to do to calm all the nervous systems in your home this summerIf you start to see your kids fighting or complaining a lot, seeming lethargic or unmotivated, this episode will help you to know what to work on to get them back on track and enjoying summer again.---------------------------------7 Family Essentials This SummerDuring the summer, we tend to get out of balance as a family. The kids stay up later. We travel a lot. There's a lot of extra screen time. And so we get out of our rhythms and routines.In some ways, there’s a bit more ease, but it’s also a lot of work for parents. When you are able to give your kids access to the types of things they need in order to stay self regulated, you'll have a lot less misbehavior.It’s impossible to meet every single one of your kid’s physical, emotional and mental needs all the time. But what we can do is build a framework that helps you know what it is that you should be working on if your kids seem off balance. #1: Family Touch PointsThese are real, in-person moments when everyone in your family puts down the devices and does something together. This could be eating a meal, watching a movie together, going for a walk or bike ride, doing a craft or whatever you enjoy doing as a family. The point is that everybody is doing the same thing at the same time. Research shows that when families enjoy activities together, kids develop a higher self esteem because they feel important. They feel like they matter to the grown ups in their life. It also strengthens your communication with them, and you get better behavior because you’re filling their cup. Plan these times and be intentional with them.#2: BoredomBoredom is good for kids’ cognitive and emotional development. They will resist it because it’s uncomfortable. The brain wants fast, easy sources of input. But if you don’t try to solve that problem for your kid, if you let them struggle through the boredom, they will get to the other side - and often come up with really creative ideas. One way to give kids the opportunity to have boredom is through screen-free breaks. This is a period of time when your kid doesn’t have access to technology. Once their brain realizes that the quick dopamine fix from screens isn’t available, it will solve the problem.#3: Time In NatureChildren desperately need to be in nature in order to grow up with good physical and emotional health. Kids who spend a lot of time outdoors are less distracted and have a higher ability to focus. They are also less likely to be depressed. Create as much time as you can to be outside. And when you are in nature, try to move slowly. Look at the sky. Notice the clouds. Look at the birds. Try to find out which one is making which noise. Notice the different colors of green. Let them take their shoes off and dig in the dirt a little bit.#4: Movement & RestKids need to move their bodies more than adults. I call this big body movement. They need to be running and swimming and throwing and jumping. This movement helps to grow their brains, bodies and nervous systems. Kids under 10 need 2 rounds of big body movement each day - preferably before noon and again about an hour before you start the bedtime routine. And because movement leads to better quality sleep, kids who are really active during the day also tend to sleep faster and better. Rest is equally as important as movement. If you’ve had a busy day and a lot of activity, your kid will need to rest their body (and it doesn’t have to be with a screen). They can read a book, snuggle with a stuffed animal or lay and listen to music.#5: SolitudeAs a mom, you are going to need time without your children so you don’t burn out. Build some alone time into your daily rhythm. This is a time to recharge your batteries. Anything you can do to get some help from a partner, spouse, babysitter or friend is really helpful here. Your kids also need alone time, so plan for breaks when they can have time to themself. #6: SocializingKids need to play with their peers. Often, we over-rely on siblings, cousins or neighbors for social time in the summer, but it’s also important for your kid to see their school friends. It makes the transition back to school easier in the fall. Ideally, they’ll socialize in an unstructured environment, without adults telling them how to behave or video games telling them what to do. This helps them to learn self governance. This is when we see kids make up games, make up rules and figure out how to enforce them. Summer is also a great time for healthy risk taking, like climbin

Inspired by the Netflix documentary “Stutz”, these 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting are actually unavoidable aspects of life. They’re universal truths that we all have to deal with as humans. You’ll Learn:The 3 unavoidable aspects of parenting (and life)The lies we tell ourselves that keep us doing more, more, moreHow to cope with pain, uncertainty and constant work as a parentWhy the inevitability of these 3 things is actually a huge reliefWe will all experience pain, uncertainty and constant work. It’s part of life as a human. If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace. I’m sharing tips to help you do just that - and guide your kids to do the same.---------------------------------------This podcast was inspired by a Netflix documentary I watched recently called “Stutz”. In it, therapist Phil Stutz explains three unavoidable experiences that we will all have: pain, uncertainty and constant work. 3 Unavoidable Aspects of ParentingAs I was watching, I realized that these 3 things are also true of the parenting experience. I actually found it to be a relief that no matter what you do or who your kids are, pain, uncertainty and constant work are unavoidable. If we know that these things are inevitable, we can stop fighting against them and find more peace.PainIn this context, I think of pain mainly as emotional pain or psychological discomfort. It might look like grief, anger, anxiety or a combination of emotions. Pain can be brought on by actual situations of loss, rejection, disappointment or trauma. It can also come about simply through the nature of being a child’s caregiver. Your kid is also going to experience pain. We can’t protect them from all painful experiences, but we can give them the tools to be able to handle the discomforts and pains of life. And while pain is inevitable, it is not constant. It’s a short-term experience. Suffering is when we dwell on that pain and keep bringing it back up. We don’t need to create this unnecessary suffering for ourselves. UncertaintyThere are a lot of unknowns in parenting (and in life). We can try to plan or predict what’s going to happen, but we never really know. The real underlying fear with uncertainty is that something will happen that you won’t be able to handle. So you try to predict and plan and run scenarios through your mind. But this puts you in an anxiety spiral, because you’re trying to solve an imaginary problem. Constant WorkThis isn’t about your job, though that is one part of it. Just to live as a human, you have to take care of your body - eat, drink, clean yourself, etc. Caring for your emotional and spiritual health and your relationships also takes work. Plus, there’s the caregiving aspect of parenting. When your kids are little, it can feel relentless. You are using your body to care for them all the time. You’re picking them up, carrying them, cleaning up messes. Then between the ages of 6-12, the work shifts to your head. You’re problem solving, managing schedules and so many details. In the tween and teen years, the work moves to your heart. During this time, there is a lot of worry and feeling for your kid as they go through tough times. This is also where a lot of uncertainty comes into play. The Brain’s TricksI bought into a lie that I could avoid uncertainty with constant work. My brain tricked me into believing that if I was really, really productive and managed everything, that the future would be settled. So I was hyperplanning, overworking, controlling and not letting others do things. But the truth is that uncertainty still happened, and when it did, I would get really overwhelmed.I also thought that constantly working would help me avoid pain. I was overworking and overperforming in parenting and life because I was so afraid of pain in the future. And when pain did come up, I tried to fix and solve it immediately. The problem with buying into these lies is that when uncertainty and pain happen (which they will), you blame yourself. You think that bad things happen because you did something wrong or didn’t work hard enough. But it’s not your fault that bad things happen, even to your kids. You can’t prevent it, and you don’t even actually want to. Coping with Pain, Uncertainty and Constant WorkIf we can’t get rid of these 3 aspects of life, we have to find hope in changing our relationship to those things. Instead of resisting, fighting and avoiding pain, uncertainty and constant work, we can allow, accept and embrace them. Our work is in changing the way we think and feel about these things when they happen.And if we can teach our kids to handle these 3 inevitable things while they’re young, they’ll grow up to feel really capable and resilient. Here are some strategies to try:Make friends with pain. We need to become less afraid of hard things happening - to us and to our kids. Because

There are 4 primary parenting styles out there, but they aren’t all completely separate from each other. Like so many other things, they exist on a spectrum. You might fall into different parenting styles in different stages or situations. You’ll Learn:The 4 main parenting styles, and how to recognize when you are using each oneThe benefits of authoritarian parentingHow to shift away from being overly strict, permissive or detached and get to a more connected and healthy space with your childIn this episode, I hope you’ll become more aware of your own parenting style, be a little more understanding of where other parents are coming from and learn to shift your approach closer to where you want it to be.---------------------------------------It can be easy for us to judge parents with a different style from our own, but you’ll notice as we go through them that, while we may have tendencies that match most with one style, none of us fits into just one of these categories. In this episode, I hope you’ll become more aware of your own parenting style, be a little more understanding of where other parents are coming from and learn to shift your approach closer to where you want it to be. What Is Your Parenting Style?3 of these parenting styles were identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind in the 1960s. The neglectful parenting style was added later on. There will be moments in your parenting where you fall more into one of these styles than others. There will be moments when you will act controlling, permissive or unengaged. It happens to us all.These periods of time do not make you a bad parent. Our goal is to be aware of how you’re showing up so that you can bring yourself back to where you want to be (the authoritative style).  Authoritarian parenting is like being a dictator or a drill sergeant. This is what I think of as “traditional” parenting. This parent wants a high level of control over their children. There are rules that you must obey, and if you don’t, there are consequences. It’s very direct and doesn’t really take the child’s feelings and emotions into account. There isn’t space for conversations about what is underneath the behavior. In this style of parenting, we often see yelling, screaming and spanking, which triggers a fear response in the child. This can change behavior but damage the relationship. Kids raised with this style also tend to have a lot of repressed emotion because they don’t know how to process their feelings. It can show up as hostility, aggression or poor self esteem. I don’t believe that any of us really want to act this way. We do it because it’s what we saw when we were growing up. And often, there is some kind of worry or fear beneath it. We worry that a behavior will continue or get worse, that our kid won’t change or grow, that they will somehow not be okay. Indulgent parenting is also known as permissive parenting. It’s really common for parents who don’t want to be in the dictator role to go a little too far in the other direction. In this style, you might have rules, but you don’t really enforce them. Being liked by your kid takes higher priority than being their parent. The truth is, when you follow through on a limit or consequence, your kid is probably going to get upset. That makes it really hard for these parents to enforce consequences. In this style, your child might be really connected to you, but they aren’t getting the rules and experiences they need in order to grow. Being too permissive can even impact their health and safety when it comes to things like getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, brushing their teeth or wearing shoes so they don’t hurt their feet. And if they aren’t expected to do school work, practice their instrument, stick to a sports team, etc. they might also miss out on opportunities to grow, learn and become who they’re meant to be. In a child-centered style like this one, kids also often struggle with disappointment, boredom, working with others and not getting their way. They’re missing out on the chance to build emotional resilience and learn to self soothe and self regulate.  Neglectful parenting sounds pretty harsh, but this is where the parent is uninvolved and disengages or detaches from the child. It’s an attitude of, “I don’t care what happens.” This can come up when a parent is overwhelmed and they think that the situation or behavior is too much for them to handle. There is no connection and no limits or consequences.This can also happen when there are other intense emotional experiences, like deaths, happening in the parent’s life. It can stem from illness, mental health issues or struggles with drugs or alcohol. These parents are rarely uninvolved because they don’t care. They are simply struggling to take care of themselves, and they don’t have the capacity to take care of someone else. Authoritative parenting

I’m a little fired up on this one, so get ready! Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve read a few different headlines that have gotten me really mad, because these articles want to blame parents for pretty much every societal problem. I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. There are much larger issues at play here. In this episode, you’ll learn:Why so many of the issues being blamed on parents are really not your faultThe difference between individual and societal issues when it comes to raising our kidsHow to filter which information is helpful or true and when someone is just looking for a scapegoatWhy I believe we’re all going to be just fineAs someone who works with moms (and parents in general), I see how much time and energy you are investing, how hard you are working at parenting your kids. You don’t have to be a scapegoat.-------------------------------------As a mom, you’re making a lot of decisions about your child’s health and education, making appointments, looking at different schools and figuring out enrichment activities. You probably internalize that it is your job to have “good” kids, and it’s easy to view your child and their behavior as a result of the work you are putting in. I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. You can just ignore them and move on. There are much larger issues at play here than individual parents and families.  The ArticlesOne of the articles I read on ScaryMommy.com titled A Teacher Says The Problem With Kids Today Is A Parenting Problem shares a statistic that 23% of teachers left their school in 2023. In the article, a teacher of 24 years is interviewed and says, “We have raised children to think that they are absolutely the most important person in any room. They are so special that whatever they want to do, or whatever they think, or whatever they say is the most important thing in that moment.”Throughout the interview, she seems to be holding parents responsible for classroom behavior, but she also goes on to say, “Let’s reevaluate our family cultures, our community cultures, and our larger society cultures.”Another article from the LA Times, Millennials gave birth to ‘Generation Alpha.’ Are these kids already doomed?, says that this next generation (born between roughly 2010-2024) are already widely being called “feral”, “illiterate”, and “doomed”. The article goes on to blame bad parenting by millennials, tech companies or both.These kinds of headlines are so discouraging to parents who are doing the best they can, often under really challenging circumstances.There are so many things outside of our control. For example, tech companies and the decisions that they make or curriculum and use of technology in schools.  We also had no control over the pandemic. Of course there is going to be an effect and a delay in social and academic skills when much of society was shut down for 18 months during the early years of these kids’ lives. Sometimes, no one is truly at fault. It’s just a crappy situation that we’re trying to work through and figure out. And it’s not fair to put that blame on the parents. Screens in Our SocietyThe LA Times article also references, “the iPad kid is a child who cannot sit through a restaurant meal or a brief ride on the bus or whatever without mainlining YouTube from a tablet in a plastic case,” and wants to blame parents for overusing technology and screens. Moms often ask me how much time their kid should have on screens. And while I have so ideas about what I think are healthy rhythms for screens, I can’t make that decision for you. I can’t tell you not to give your kids screen time when you’re busy, overworked and just trying to get dinner on the table. It comes down to your capacity. Because when you set limits, you have to also be able to follow through on them. You have to be ready to handle the big feelings that come when it’s time to turn off the device or when you say “no” to more screen time. Maybe you need better screen time limits, and it’s also true that there is a ton of programming designed for children, it’s easy to access, parents are overworked and overstressed and screens are used more and more in the classroom, too. Ultimately, we cannot take a societal issue and turn it into a personal one, putting the blame on individual parents. If we want to change the way our kids use screens and interact with social media, we have to start making pledges as a society to wait to give kids access to these things. We don't let kids drive cars until they're 16. We don't let kids drink alcohol till they're 21. We have decided, as a society, that certain things are okay for grown ups and not okay for kids. We have figured out some of these pro

Mother’s Day is coming. And if you've had a few Mother's Days that end with you getting into bed feeling totally wiped out and resentful, this podcast episode is for you. I’m talking all about how to create your best Mother’s Day plan for a day you actually enjoy!You’ll Learn:Why Mother’s Day can be so hardSteps for creating your best Mother’s Day planHow to process the “Mother’s Day Hangover” of disappointment, resentment or sadness on Monday morningThis Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.----------------------Mother's Day has a way of ending up the OPPOSITE of ideal for most moms.A lot of times, moms spend Mother's Day cleaning up the kitchen after a messy breakfast in bed, followed by a lunch that's focused on their mother or mother-in-law, and then capped off by a rushed take-out dinner with all the regular bedtime routine shenanigans. Taking Back Mother’s DayI’m just going to say it - Mother’s Day is FOR moms!Usually, two things keep moms from creating their ideal day: guilt and not asking for what they want.I want you to know that it is okay to not want to spend every minute of Mother's Day with your kids. Getting breaks from your kids is actually super important, so if you want a few kid-free hours on Mother's Day, it’s okay.You might also feel guilty about balancing how to honor your mom, mother-in-law, etc. with getting what you want from the day, too. It can be a lot of people to please, especially if you live in the same town. People-pleasing is not what Mother’s Day is about, and you might not be able to satisfy everybody. Think about what you want from the day and take it from there.I want Mother’s Day to be amazing for you, so I’m going to help you work through these common obstacles and make a plan and design a Mother’s Day that actually feels good to you. One where you get what you truly want from the day. Make Your Best Mother’s Day PlanIt is your job to figure out what you want and then ask for it. Here’s how… Step 1: Decide what you wantWhat does your ideal Mother’s Day look like? Take a few minutes to really think about this or journal on it. What do you really want? How do you want to spend your Mother’s Day?Is it a break from kids? Time with your friends? Alone time? A visit with your own mom? A special family activity?Do you want to sleep in? Shop? Go out to lunch? Spend time outdoors? Step 2: Communicate your planIf it's going to be a day where we honor and celebrate our experience as mothers and let the people around us honor and appreciate us, then we need to figure out a way to communicate what we want.Talk to your partner (if you have one) about your vision for the day. Ask them if they think that plan will work. Are they willing to try something new if that’s what you want? If there are other mothers involved, reach out to them and see what they have in mind for the day. If you’re hoping for a more relaxed day, ask if you can have a shorter visit or if they’re open to celebrating together on Saturday or a different weekend. If they aren’t willing to change their plans or expectations, can you take your ideal day a week later? Having these conversations in advance is really, really helpful because it helps you get on the same page and make a real plan. The Mother’s Day HangoverIf Mother’s Day can be hard, the day after can be even harder. Even if you manage to have a wonderful Mother’s Day, you’ll probably still have what I call the Mother’s Day Hangover. On Monday morning, when you walk into the kitchen and start packing lunches, getting kids up and off to school and doing your other regular parenting and work tasks, you might feel a little disappointed that life is back to normal. Your special day is over.Or you might feel resentful that you didn’t get the Mother’s Day you wanted. Maybe your partner wasn’t supportive or your family left a big mess in the kitchen waiting for you. This is the time to reset. Acknowledge and recognize those feelings. Sit down with a journal and write them out. Be honest about what happened and how you’re feeling. Let it pass through you. Take care of yourself and give yourself some compassion. I also know that some of us are sitting with feelings of grief and loss on Mother’s Day (myself included). If this is you, give yourself a little tenderness and consider this when designing your day.This Mother’s Day, I send my love to all the mothers. For the first mothers, the forever mothers, the motherless mothers, the childless mothers, and the not-yet mothers. I love you. I see you.And I’m wishing you YOUR most ideal Mother’s Day yet.Previous Episodes Mentioned:Episode 9: Pause and Reset Your EmotionsFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (Thi

Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page as your coparent with limits and consequences. You’ll Learn:Why learning to regulate your emotions is like learning to read and write3 coparenting scenarios and how to navigate themWhat to do when you’re not on board with your coparent’s limits & consequencesThe good news about your relationship with your kidOur goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way?---------------------In last week’s episode, we talked about what it means to be on the same page as your coparent, particularly when it comes to self-regulation and connection with your kids. Today, we’re focusing on being on the same page with limits and consequences. Our goal with a feelings-first parenting model is to hold our kids accountable in a calm, mutually respectful way. We want to help them to regulate their emotions and take responsibility for their actions without lashing out, hurting or shaming our kids.But what can you do when you and your coparent don’t handle limits and consequences the same way? 3 Types of CoparentingYou and your coparent will fall into one of three scenarios. Based on your situation, there are different conversations, approaches and tools you can use to guide your parenting.  Scenario #1: Two people who live together and have a mutual commitment to calm and conscious parentingOnce you’ve determined that you’re on the same page with your parenting values, goals and approach, you also have to figure out how you’ll stay on the same page.  Getting on the same page. The first step here is talking about your values as parents, which you can learn more about in last week’s episode. Next, talk about what happens if you notice that your kids are off track, especially if you find yourself arguing about the behavior.When you notice off track behavior, have a connection conversation about the pattern that you’ve seen. It’s really important that neither of you are judging or getting defensive in this conversation. Lean into curiosity - What do you think is going on? Why do you think they’re acting this way? What’s happening underneath? What do they need?You might realize that this is more of an emotional issue. Maybe your child needs some more skills around managing their feelings or there is an emotional need that isn’t being met. A lot of times if you meet the emotional need of a behavior, you can kind of the behavior lessens. You might also find that you need to set a limit around the behavior.  Staying on the same page. What will you do when your coparent gets off track? I recommend that, as long as the coparent isn't being explosive or hurtful, you let it play out. Be a compassionate witness, notice what’s going on with your coparent and with your kid and get curious about why. Then, later on when everyone is calm, talk to your coparent about what happened. Again, you aren’t bringing it up to criticize or blame. The goal is to evaluate, problem solve and troubleshoot. Go through the steps of the Calm Mama Process (Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct) and pinpoint where the issue was and how you can solve for it. These conversations are what help you do the fine-tuning to move you closer to your parenting goal of raising emotionally healthy, personally responsible kids.  Scenario #2: Two people who live together and have different parenting approachesYour coparent may not be on board. In this case, it’s important to remember that each person is in an individual relationship with another person. Your relationship with your kid might be very different from the relationship they have with their other parent. Ultimately, we all want to have a good relationship with our kids. We want our kids to grow up and like us. Strict, firm, authoritarian parenting (the way most of us were raised) tends to lead to emotional disconnection. The child grows up feeling like their parent cares more about what they do than who they are. Start by asking your coparent, “What do you want your future relationship with our kid to look like?” It’s a good way to get them thinking and open up conversation about connection. It’s also possible that you won’t come to an agreement on this. And that’s on them. They get to make a choice about how they interact and the relationship they’re creating. If you’re not on the same page with the parenting approach, and you’re each doing your own thing, then you each have to take responsibility for the way you want to parent, and follow through on it. It doesn’t mean that your kid is messed up forever. You can still emotionally coach them, set limit

I’m often asked, “How do you handle it when your husband or your coparent isn't on board?” or, “How do you handle it when you're divorced and you don't know what's going on with the other parent?”In this first episode of a two-part series, I’ll start answering these questions and share some essential conversations to have with your coparent.You’ll Learn:Why I know your kid is going to be okay.How to determine if you and your coparent are on the same page (and where to start if you’re not). Essential conversations for before, during and after explosive incidents - with scripts!Using the “hard no” with other adults.The parenting you're doing is not in vain if your co parent isn't on board. Your child's other parent isn't unraveling all of your hard work. What you are doing is not pointless. You can give your child everything they need to grow into an emotionally healthy adult.--------------------------------The Real QuestionThe real question at the root of these concerns is, “Is my kid going to be okay if my coparent doesn’t practice compassionate parenting?”There is fear of what will happen in the future if your coparent is harsh, too permissive or just on a different page when it comes to parenting your kid. But what does it really mean to be okay? The way I think about this in my programs is that we are setting our kids up for success by teaching emotional literacy - knowing what they’re feeling, how to talk about it and what to do with it. This is the key to raising kids that are confident, self-aware and love themselves. No matter what happens in your child's life, there's going to be pain and struggle. Things won’t always go their way. In the long-term, when they know how to process that pain, they can handle anything. You’re giving your kid the resilience that they need for the future.  Being On the Same PageFor our purposes, being on the same page means two things:  You and your coparent agree on the same parenting philosophy. In this case, that means agreeing that compassion and helping your child process negative emotion are important to you. You share the same approach to the philosophy. You’re using the same strategies and tools. For example, compassionate parenting is a philosophy. The Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set, correct is the approach. A beautiful place to start is by asking your coparent (whether you live with them or not) what they value when it comes to parenting. You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I'm learning a lot, and I want to make sure that you're on the same page with me. I believe that feelings matter and that it's important for our kids to have a safe place to express those feelings and learn how to deal with them. Do agree?” When You Aren’t On the Same PageI know that you want to have a good relationship with your child, and you want them to have a good relationship with themselves and with the world. You get to decide how you show up. You can put in the work to make sure your relationship is connected and loving. Your coparent also has a relationship with your kid, and it’s their job to decide how they want that relationship to play out and take action to create the relationship they want. It is not your responsibility to preserve your child’s relationship with their other parent. Ultimately, your responsibility is only to the emotional health of your child. If you’re struggling with your coparent, look at where the disagreement is. Is it about the philosophy or the approach?Maybe you agree on the philosophy, but your coparent struggles to manage their stress and calm themselves. Or they’re avoiding following through on consequences. When you understand where the disconnect is, it is easier to problem solve.  Dealing With an Explosive ParentIf your coparent is dysregulated and not calm, it might look like being explosive, needlessly critical, aggressive, insulting or using shame for discipline. They might shut down or walk away in steely silence. This parent is probably overwhelmed and stressed. They’re in their own ego or fear. Maybe they’re scared that their kid is getting away with something or being disrespectful. I want you to recognize that this parent is dysregulated. It's not that they're a jerk or they don't care. And you won’t be able to support them if you’re coming from a place of judgment and criticism. Compassion for your coparent will help your whole family. Your responsibility is not to try to change your coparent and their behavior. It is to emotionally coach your kid and help them process what’s going on. There are a few different ways you can do this. Preventative Conversation. This conversation happens outside of an emotional moment. You’re discussing the pattern that you’ve been seeing and telling your coparent in advance how you will intervene if you see it in the future.You

We all know that parenting is enough of a challenge on its own, but what about when you’re coparenting with an abusive ex, someone who may be acting more for themselves than the best interest of your kid?My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. We’re talking all about:The goodness and peace that are on the other side of the pain and struggle.What to look out for when it comes to coercive control, loyalty conflict and reacting to your ex.Ways to support your kid and help them navigate difficult situations.How to get the support you need to care for yourself and your child.If coparenting with an ex has been a struggle for you, or if you are making a decision to leave a relationship, this real-talk conversation will give you the information you need to make the best choices for you and your child and support them through it all. -------------------------------My guest, Lisa Johnson, is a certified domestic violence advocate and the cofounder of a divorce coaching program called Been There Got Out. She works alongside her co-founder and romantic partner, Chris, to help people who are dealing with high-conflict separation and divorce, custody battles, and coparenting hell so that they can have the best outcome in family court and beyond. Lisa’s StoryOf course, there is much more to Lisa’s story than what we could cover in this conversation, but there are some elements she experienced that she has seen to be pretty common with her clients, as well. When Lisa was making the decision to leave her previous marriage of 18 years, her now-ex-husband made her feel like if she left, then she would be responsible for breaking up their family, which included two kids. She would be to blame for destroying their kids’ lives. So she did everything she could to stay and keep the family together. Ultimately, she realized that one person can’t make both people better. They wanted two different things, and it just wasn’t working. Like so many others, Lisa knew she had to leave her marriage for herself. She didn’t know what would happen with the kids. She would figure that out later. But for her to survive, she had to go. She describes the feeling of carrying a ball of pain inside of her trying to keep it all together. And when she admitted that it wasn’t working, and her ex left, there was such a sense of relief. A weight had been lifted. She didn’t know what would happen next, but she knew she couldn’t try to control it, and letting go was so freeing. Now, she’s on the other side, has found the love of her life and created her business to help others through those same kinds of struggles.  Coparenting With an Abusive ExLisa’s clients are often dealing with ex-spouses who are not handling things with maturity and who are trying to take back control. There are a lot of hurt feelings and, often, a history of abuse. In many of these cases, Lisa sees instances of coercive control, which means that some freedom has been taken away from one person in the relationship. It might look like financial abuse, where one person doesn’t have any control over the family’s money. It can also show up as social isolation or other types of verbal, psychological or sexual abuse. Although they’re now in different living spaces, the parenting relationship is not over. Lisa says that the three main areas where conflict and abuse come up after a divorce are money, kids and court. Legal abuse related to money and court conflicts go hand-in-hand. It’s all about winning and losing. The abusive partner wants to take everything - kids, money, time and control. Conflict around the kids lasts the longest and is the most painful. In these situations, the child is often put into something called loyalty conflict, usually by the abusive parent. Kids are expected to choose sides and be loyal to one parent over the other. They’re then rewarded for rejecting the parent who's often the target of the abuse, often the safe, healthy, protective parent. The child may also be punished for showing affection or love to that parent.This often starts even before the relationship ends. One parent might try to undermine the other or grill the child on everything that happened while they were at the other parent’s house. One of the most common things that they do is send poisonous messages about the other parent to the child, wanting them to believe that that other parent is unsafe, unloving or unavailable (even though the opposite is usually true). This feels so scary and dangerous, because sometimes your kid will absorb these messages. They’ll be angry and confused and lash out at you. You feel triggered the same way you are by your ex, because you see that same behavior coming through your child. We talk about this behavior as “poisoning the well”. As the parent, your challenge is to take t

I often talk about parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Today, I’ll explain three thoughts that you’ve probably experienced when you don’t like your kid’s behavior or parts of their personality, why judgments about your kid aren’t helpful and what to do instead.You’ll Learn:The parenting advice I give the mostWhy behavior is really just information - and what to do with itHow raising a kid is like baking a special kind of cakeThe long term benefits of unconditional acceptance.It’s never too late to commit to shifting how you think and feel about your kid. ----------------------------------------I just got home from a trip to Paris with my newly-turned-18-year-old son. I got to spend a lot of time with him, getting to see and know who he is right now. We had an amazing trip, and there were also times where I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable, sad or disappointed about his views or attitude toward certain things. I’m continuing to work through some of those feelings even after we’ve returned home, and I hope my experience will help you parent the kid in front of you, too. Why Parenting The Kid In Front of You Is ImportantWhen we’re in a relationship with someone and we make their behavior mean something negative, then it is going to sour the relationship and the way that we interact with them. When you perceive your kid in a certain way, thoughts and feelings come up, and these drive your actions. It's really important to work on how you think and feel about your kid and not put that negative attitude or judgment on their behavior.This can be really hard because as a parent, it is your responsibility to help your kid learn how to be in relationship with themselves and others. You’re trying to teach values like politeness, generosity and kindness. But sometimes, you see your kid behave in ways that are opposite to those values. What often happens is that you get so caught up in the behavior and what it means that it prevents you from actually parenting and teaching them the skills they need in order to become who they’re meant to be. Your child is on a journey of development. In order to help them grow, you have to accept how they are right now, from a neutral place, and see it either as a part of their personality that hasn’t fully developed or a skill that they haven’t yet learned.  3 Negative Mindsets to AvoidWhen your kid behaves in a way you don't like, it's easy to make their behavior mean something negative - either about you as a parent, them as a person, or their future.All of these negative stories impact how you show up as a parent; and have a negative impact on your child.These are the three negative mindsets I see causing the most long-term harm.  #1: Making your child’s behavior mean something about you. If you look at your child’s behavior and think, “I’m a bad parent,” it makes it feel really personal. It puts you into your own story and takes you out of what’s going on with your kid. You might find yourself overparenting, being overly strict, harsh or mean. Often, this is where I see parents skip past calm and connection and go straight to correction and consequences. Behavior is a coping strategy, and the behavior you’re seeing is just information, data about where your child needs support, tools and skills. Instead of thinking, “How does this behavior affect me? How does it reflect on me?”, try asking, “How is this behavior going to affect my child? What skill is missing here? What do they need to learn?”When you see that they’re acting the way they are because they’ve overwhelmed and don’t know how to cope, you can show up with compassion and help them problem-solve.  #2: Making their behavior mean something about the future. This is where you find yourself jumping to the worst-case scenario. You assume that this negative behavior will play out long into the future and become a part of their identity. One example is that your kid lies to you, so you think, “they are going to become a liar.” Instead of giving them this negative self-concept, acknowledge that this is where they are right now, and they have so much time to learn and grow. Think back to when you were in middle school or high school. I’m guessing there were times when you (like me) said or did “bad” or inappropriate things that you didn’t necessarily know were wrong. You needed to be taught. Think about how much you’ve changed since that time. We all go through different versions of ourselves, and we learn through mistakes. But our core self is true and lovable and worthy and wonderful. Your child’s core is unconditionally worthy of love and acceptance. And some of their behaviors might need work. Your job as a parent is to help your kid learn so that they can grow into the person they’re meant to be.  #3: Making their behavior m

When kids lie, it can feel personal or like a moral issue. But just like so many other challenging behaviors, it is a strategy that your child uses to communicate their negative emotion. It’s normal kid behavior (not a character flaw). In this episode, I’ll share a handful of common reasons kids (or anyone for that matter) lie, why trying to get the truth out of them usually doesn’t work and what you can do instead when your kid lies.You’ll Learn:Common lies kids tell and what might be behind themWhy getting your child to confess isn’t actually that helpfulHow to step into your leadership energy to deal with misbehavior What your kid really needs when they’re using lies to copeYou don’t need to get caught up in the lie. Listen to learn how you can step into your leadership energy, connect with your kid, hold them accountable and move on! --------------------------------------Often, lying happens when your kid has a problem that they don’t know how to solve or get out of. It seems like an easy solution to them. They can just lie and avoid dealing with it altogether. It’s really as simple as that.We don’t need to cloud the issue with arguments about respect or disrespect. We can simply look at it as a skill gap. It is your job as a parent to teach your child how to solve problems in better ways.  Why Kids LieWhen you understand why your kid is behaving the way they are or using a certain coping strategy, it helps you to have more compassion as you look at the underlying issue and try to solve for it.Lying is interesting because the underlying motivations can be a little bit complicated. Sometimes, they lie and actually talk themselves into believing that what they’re saying is true. The underlying emotion that drives lying is usually fear of some kind, but it shows up in several different ways. These are the most common reasons kids lie.To Avoid Trouble. Maybe they forgot to feed the dog or do a chore. They don’t want to do it, and they don’t want to get in trouble for not doing it, so they tell you it’s already done. This can also show up with siblings in the old, “I didn’t do it; She did it,” type of argument. To Protect Themself (or you). Your child might want to protect their identity and your thoughts about them. They don’t want to see the disappointment or negative judgment on your face. They’re afraid that you won’t like them anymore or will think they’re a loser, a bad person, etc.They might also try to protect you from feeling disappointed in them. They want you to continue thinking they’re a good kid. To Get Something. Sometimes, kids lie to get something they want, like telling you their homework is done so they can have screen time. To Be Seen. We’ve all heard a kid tell a really grandiose story about themselves or something that happened in their life. These kids likely feel uninteresting or unimportant, and they lie in order to get someone’s attention. To Avoid Embarrassment. This can show up with kids who are being bullied (although there are many other things they might feel embarrassed to share, too). Either they can’t find a way to tell you or they don’t trust that you won’t tell someone else about it. Little kids, in particular, lie a lot. Especially under age 6, they want you to believe they’re good. They’ve found this strategy to avoid discomfort, so they go all in on it. If they see that you can handle their behavior and believe they’re a good kid, they’ll grow out of it. Connect with them, set a limit, give a correction and move on.  What To Do When Kids LieWhen our kids lie to us, we tend to have a lot of negative thoughts about them. We get really angry, so we're not neutral or curious about their behavior. That’s why, as always, getting calm is the first step. Get curious about their reason for lying. This is really helpful, because then you can tap into compassion and soothe that underlying fear that they have. Your response might change based on the need they are trying to get met with the lie. Don't corner your child. This is more challenging than it sounds because we feel strongly that we want our kids to confess. Especially as they get into the teenage years, it can feel like the decisions and behavior that they're lying about are dangerous. We get really worried, and we want them to tell us the truth so that we can problem solve with them. We might try to trap or trick them into telling us the truth, but this really isn’t helpful.Think about it from your kid’s perspective. If they admit to the lie, they're busted for two things. They're busted for the problem behavior, and now they're lying. So they might as well just stick to the lie. There’s no benefit to them to confess.Assume that they’re struggling, and that the lying is part of their coping. Don’t make it mean something terrible about them or about your relationship. Deal with the behavior, not the lying

Hearing your kid say, “I hate you” can be one of the hardest things to hear as a parent. Today, I’m giving you tangible, easy to apply strategies for handling “I hate you,” including ways to feel less upset by it and change the pattern. In this episode:Why kids say, “I hate you,” even though they don’t really mean itHow to protect your feelings Why saying, “I hate you” hurts your child, tooHow to change this pattern of behaviorYour child doesn’t actually hate you. They just don’t have the skill or language to describe their feelings in a healthier way (yet). Listen to learn how to give your kid better strategies for dealing with their big feelings and coach them toward emotional literacy.--------------------------------What Are They Actually Saying?When your kid tells you they hate you, it’s easy to jump to thoughts about how disrespectful, embarrassing and hurtful they are being. For the most part, kids don’t hate their parents. So, when they say, “I hate you,” what they’re usually trying to say is, “I hate this,” or “I hate this rule,” or “I hate this situation.”Your child is communicating their frustration, disappointment, anger or hurt about the circumstance they are in. The strategy they’re using is to blame you because, in their mind, you are what is blocking them from getting the thing they want. Handling “I Hate You”Of course, saying, “I hate you,” when they are disappointed is not how we want our kids to cope with negative emotion, so we will work to change the pattern. But we’re not trying to change the pattern because it’s disrespectful and rude. We want to change it because it hurts our child to communicate their emotion this way. It is not a healthy way to cope. What we may not always see is that after the “I hate you,” they also have to deal with guilt and confusion over saying that to someone that they really love. Our goal is to give them better tools to deal with discomfort and disappointment. Step 1: Get neutral (CALM)Start by reframing the statement. Remember that they are using that sentence to cope with discomfort or pain - a feeling that they don’t know how to deal with. Letting yourself know that it really isn’t about you will help you feel calm. Next, find the pattern that you want to change. Is there something that seems to trigger the  “I hate you”? Maybe it has something to do with screen time rules or when you tell them they can’t have a treat. Step 2: Talk to your kid about the words (CONNECT)Your child might not have the words for what they’re feeling or why they are upset. Have a connection conversation with them outside of the “I hate you” moment. Share the pattern that you’ve noticed, and help them name the anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt, or whatever they might be feeling. Here’s an example: Hey, honey, I've noticed a pattern that when you get really mad about something, you say, “I hate you.” And saying, “I hate you” makes a lot of sense because you are really angry and you want to tell me that. Listen, I know you don't actually hate me because we love each other so much. I think you’re trying to say, “I hate this. I don’t like your rules. I don’t like when you say no to me.” Give them some time to talk here, to complain a little about their life. Create space for their thoughts and feelings to come up. Just listen. Don’t try to defend yourself or convince them of anything. If there is something you do in that situation that is really causing a problem for them, take responsibility and apologize. Step 3: Problem solving (LIMIT SET)This is where we teach a new strategy. Set a limit with the goal of raising a kid who is able to communicate their real feelings with their parent (and others in their life). This is a kid who doesn’t have to show up in ways that don’t work and then feel bad about it and carry that guilt and shame. We want our kids to be able to talk about the situation and separate the situation from the person. We’re giving the message that it’s okay to be mad about a rule or a situation, but it’s not okay to make it personal and tell someone you hate them.Ask your child what they can say instead when they want to say, “I hate you.” Preview the situation and get their brain to think and problem solve in advance. They probably won’t always remember to use this new strategy, but you can practice and remind them of the plan. Example:I am not going to let you say, “I hate you” anymore because I know you don't hate me. I know you feel bad about it. I want you to be able to say, “I don't like the situation,” or “I hate this thing.” When you say, “I hate you,” I’m going to tell you to try again. Step 4: Delay the conversation (CORRECT)A big part of the parenting process is letting our kids make mistakes. They’re not always going to get this right and be able to self-correct in the moment. When things get heated, delay the conversation and consequences. Give

I want you to feel really great as a parent. I want you to get out of mom guilt and instead feel a deep sense of calm. This calm leads to confidence, compassion for your kids, clarity on what you should do, and so many other good things.What I've noticed, though, is that when moms first come to me, they often feel really embarrassed that they are not already calm. This mom feels ashamed that she yelled at her kid or emotionally checked out or was a little bit too physical. She thinks she should know better or that something is wrong with her. Listen to learn:Why it’s hard for you to feel calm (and it’s totally normal!)How getting calm is like learning to drive a carWhat to do after you lose it on your kidWhy shame is not the way to change your behaviorIf you can relate to that embarrassed mom, I want to tell you that there's nothing wrong with you. Today, I’ll help you learn how to feel more calm and less guilt.---------------------------------When You Don’t Feel CalmYou're human. You have a human nervous system and stress response. And raising children is stressful. Especially in the first 11 or 12 years, parenting is relentless. The waves keep coming and coming, and it feels like you never get a break.Sometimes, you might be able to catch yourself before you totally lose it on your kid. This is a great time for a Pause Break. When you notice that you’re starting to take your feelings out on your child, just stop. Like you’re slamming on the brakes. It’s going to feel weird and sudden. You can say, “You know what? I love you, but I don't want to yell at you. So I'm gonna go wash my hands.” Then, go and reset. Other times, we don’t even realize that we are overwhelmed or frustrated until we find ourselves yelling and losing our sh!t. We act our feelings out on our kid. And then later, we feel really bad about it.The truth is that, eventually, you always regulate yourself (or else you’d still be yelling hours later). Your brain comes back online, and you stop. The goal is to stop earlier and come back to calm more intentionally.  How To Get Out of Mom GuiltI see a lot of moms go into self-criticism with thoughts like, “I'm hopeless. I'm not like other moms. I'm not good enough. I'm not cut out for this.”We have this subconscious thought that if we’re mean enough to ourselves about how we acted, we can shame ourselves into behaving better. But shame doesn’t motivate. Shame creates pain, which just continues the cycle. That’s why we don’t do it for our kids, and I don’t want you to do it to yourself, either. As a woman, and especially as a mom, it is so easy to be so mean to yourself. But all that ends up happening is that you feel really hurt, sad and discouraged, and then you take those feelings into the next encounter with your child.When things escalate and you find yourself yelling before you pause, you don’t need to judge yourself for it. Instead, offer yourself the same compassion you offer to others. Just like we teach our kids, your feelings are okay. You might just need new strategies to handle your emotions.  What To Do When You Lose Your CoolSelf-compassion is so important after you lose it on your kid. It's time to step back and give yourself a bunch of love. You always have permission to pause. Literally just stop parenting for a moment, and go take care of yourself.Compassion is the way to move towards better behavior. It's a deep understanding of what was happening for you and a validation of that emotion. You can use the Connection Tool on yourself the same way you would use it with your child.Narrate the situation for yourself. Give words to what was so hard. What was the circumstance that triggered your big feelings? Instead of criticizing yourself, you can just say, “So, this morning sucked. That's not how I wanted my day to go.” Name the feeling. For example, “I'm feeling really disappointed.” Now what do you want to do next? How can you take excellent care of yourself? How can you soothe your disappointment? How can you feel this feeling and let it move through you?Find a small, soothing thing you can do for yourself that will make you feel a little bit better. When you take care of your emotions, you won’t dump that disappointment or frustration onto your kids.  Becoming More CalmBecoming calm is a process that requires a set of skills. It’s not something you are born knowing how to do.In the beginning, you may not be able to pause and reset until after the fact. That’s okay. You don’t need to judge how fast you were accelerating or how long it took you to put on the brakes. You can still give yourself compassion, soothe yourself and then think about how you want it to go next time. How do you want to handle it differently? What limit do you need here? Is there a routine you need to fix?After a while, you might catch yourself when you’re in the middle of yelling or lecturing. If you notice

My guest, marriage coach Maggie Reyes, and I are talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship, how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better.You’ll learn:How to shift your thoughts when you’re bored with your partnerWhat to do when you feel like you don’t matter to your partnerHow to reconnect (and it’s not just more date nights!)Where to look for clues about your values so you can be more intentional with your energyEven if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. _____________________Today’s guest, Maggie Reyes, is a marriage coach who is sharing her advice to make any relationship better. Even if you aren’t married, you’re going to want to stick around, because her model can be applied to any relationship in your life. We’re talking about the 4 essential elements of a great relationship and how they apply to marriage, parenting, and all types of relationships. Plus, we dive into how to reconnect with your spouse when you feel like you’ve been drifting apart and why they don’t have to change for your relationship to feel better. 4 Essential Elements of a Great RelationshipIf you’re in a relationship with someone that’s not feeling amazing, you might not even know where to begin. The four elements Maggie shares give us a starting point to narrow down where the issue(s) might be and offer possible solutions.They each come with their own question to get you started.Perspective. Is there a different way to look at this? For example, if you feel you aren’t getting what you need in a certain situation, is it possible that your partner is trying but not doing it the way you would want?Partnership. Are we on the same team? Do we have collaboration and rapport? This works like an emotional bank account. You need to make a lot of deposits into the partnership in order to make the withdrawals you want.Pleasure. Are we having fun and enjoying our connection? In a marriage, this also includes having a sexual connection. This is where tools like the Delight List I often teach come into play. Personal Power. Am I thinking that I matter? This allows you to explore what is and is not okay with you. You have to believe that you matter enough to even ask for what you want and need in the relationship. You get to ask for things that you find pleasing or delightful, and you get to say “no” to things that don’t fit your priorities and values.These elements are often connected. For example, if you’re enjoying each other’s company, you likely also have a strong rapport and partnership. If there is one that really stands out as you ask yourself these questions, that is a great place to focus your attention.  Give and Get What You Both NeedMaggie believes that people love us the best they can, but it isn’t always the way we want to be loved. You and your partner might express your feelings and what matters to you in completely different ways. Sometimes we miss each other or we miss the mark on what the other person wants or needs. We're trying to do things, and the other person isn't seeing them. It’s easy to tell ourselves, “Oh, they don’t care. They’re not thinking about me.” But often, this isn’t the case. A shift in perspective can help us see things that we weren’t noticing or looking for before, or we might see that they are expressing love in a different way that we would. Try asking what is meaningful to the other person. What would they like? What would be delightful when they get home? You may be scared of asking these questions because we think they’re going to want something that's beyond our capacity, but sometimes what our spouse needs from us is much simpler than we think. And because you matter, you can give feedback, too. I’ve experienced situations with my own husband when I had to tell him, “I love what you’re doing, but I don’t like the way you’re doing it.” Reconnect With Your SpouseBusy schedules, work, kids activities and chores fill our days and often leave us feeling disconnected from our spouses. In her work, Maggie sees a direct correlation. The people who struggle the most in marriage are the people who spend the least time together. The people who are thriving spend the most time together. The natural inclination in any relationship is to drift apart. So you have to choose to turn toward each other on purpose. Maggie’s suggestion is to build in small pockets of “together time”. This can be 5 minutes of coffee together in the morning or 20 minutes together to check in and just breathe after the kids are in bed. If you love date nights, that’s great, but they’re not required (thank goodness!). Making a plan to curl up o

If you’re tired of repeating yourself, yelling, punishing and keeping up with the dreaded sticker chart, I want you to know that there is a new way of parenting - one that actually works. Listen to learn:Why your kids don’t do what you tell them to (and you end up yelling)The 4 steps of the Calm Mama ProcessMy favorite sentence for validating feelingsHow to get help and learn a new way to parentWhen I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior. So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools.----------------------------------I’ve been a mom for almost 20 years. And in the beginning, I thought I just needed to manage my kids' behavior and teach them how to be good people. I didn't really know much about it.I was raised with a traditional parenting model that used punishment or praise to keep kids in line. Nobody talked to me about feelings. Nobody cared about that. The adult world was the adult world, and the kid world was the kid world. When I became a parent, I realized that I didn't like the way it felt to be punitive. I didn’t want to yell, criticize or spank. I had to find a different way, but I didn’t really have any other tools in my toolbox to manage my kid’s behavior. So I learned a TON about different parenting styles. And I created my own toolbox. In this episode, you’ll learn the steps of the Calm Mama Process and what sets it apart from other parenting models and tools. Parenting StylesThere are four main parenting styles out there.Authoritarian parenting, which is very strict. This is where we hear a lot of, “Do it because I said so.”Authoritative parenting (this is what I teach), where there is a balance between respecting feelings while also holding boundaries. A mixture of being strict and connected. Permissive parenting in which there are no boundaries. Neglectful parenting, which is also thought of as uninvolved or detached parenting.  A New Way To ParentWhen my kids were young, I was trying to do traditional parenting stuff, like time outs and sticker charts, and my kid’s behavior was escalating rather than improving. Then, I learned about what we now call gentle parenting. You may also hear it referred to as nonviolent or compassionate parenting. I learned that feelings drive behavior, and behavior is a form of communication of emotion or unmet emotional needs.When I started using these gentle parenting tools, my son’s long, intense tantrums became less intense, happened less often and were over more quickly. And it didn’t take long for me to notice a change.I see this over and over with my clients. As soon as the parent starts to practice genuine connection, the child's Big Feeling Cycles decrease. The Calm Mama ProcessOver time, I created the Calm Mama Process, a parenting approach that includes both emotional coaching (helping your kids with their feelings), as well as how to set boundaries and follow through with consequences.The process is made up of 4 steps: Calm, Connect, Limit Set & Correct. Calm is the first step of the process, but it was actually the last one to come about. I saw my clients getting amazing results with the other three steps, but I was also hearing the same problem come up over and over again. The process worked…except when they were mad. In those moments, they couldn’t remember the steps and the scripts or what to do. Their stress and inability to manage their own emotion was standing in the way. Calm has to come first. It is all about YOU - managing your stress, your nervous system, your mindset (aka your thoughts about situations, your kids and yourself as a parent) and your self-care. When you are calm, you’re able to stay in your thinking brain (instead of being reactive) and follow through on the other steps. Connection is where you get curious about what feelings are behind your kid’s behavior. You narrate what you see, name what your child might be feeling and coach them through it. Isn’t possible to always emotionally coach your kids. It’s exhausting, and it doesn’t really give them motivation to change their behavior. Commands also don’t create motivation, and threats and bribes use fear to motivate (which feels yucky for you and for them).So we need some other tools. Limits help you create structure and routine so that your kid knows what to expect and what you expect from them. They also deliver the “rule” in a way that makes your child think. The limit setting formula goes like this: You are welcome to _______ as long as _______.&

When I first became a parent coach, I talked a lot with moms about how feelings matter. Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift. Now there's a lot of awareness about emotions and validation, but I find myself talking more and more about how important it is to have consequences and teach kids that their behavior has an impact.In this episode, you’ll learn: Why gentle parenting information is often incompleteWhy it’s not enough just to stop yelling and talk about feelingsHow we experience real-life consequences as adults (and how we can use it as a model for parenting)How to protect your own energyThis confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution. When you’re calm AND you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model to raise emotionally healthy humans. Listen to learn how.--------------------------------------Parenting culture in the US has come a long way in terms of recognizing and validating our kids' emotions. And at the same time, we’re seeing more instances of the “accidentally permissive parent”. Why Permissive Parenting HappensIn a recent study of parents who were practicing gentle parenting principles, 40% said that they actually don't know what they're doing.Many of these parents have values around staying calm during a conflict, not yelling, identifying and naming their child’s emotions and trying to help their kid cope with those emotions. They’re trying to break cycles of shame and punishment and pain. This is amazing and beautiful. But it is incomplete, because they don’t know what to do with the misbehavior. There isn’t really language around setting limits or having consequences. This confusion over, “Ok, I validated their emotion. Now what?” is why I teach the limit setting formula and the concept of restitution. When you’re calm and you put limits, consequences and connection all together, you are teaching your child how to integrate all the parts of their brain. It’s a complete parenting model. Over time, you end up with an emotionally healthy person who knows how to manage their feelings in ways that work for them and others. That is our goal.  How to Avoid Being an Accidentally Permissive ParentMany moms who are interested in gentle parenting (also called compassionate or nonviolent parenting) are familiar with the first two steps of the Calm Mama Process: Calm and Connect.In CALM, you regulate your own emotions. This might include healing from past trauma and definitely includes managing your stress levels. In CONNECT, we name, validate and emotionally coach our kids through their Big Feeling Cycles.I believe we need to take connection a step further, and help our kids manage their big feelings within limits.When your kid is struggling with a big feeling, you might feel like you can't set a boundary. You might want to let the misbehavior go because they’re already upset. You don’t want to bring on more big feelings by dealing with the misbehavior. You can be firm while still recognizing your kid’s feelings. In a situation where a kid is throwing things or hitting, this might look like The Hard No. “Everyone stays safe here. You can have your big feelings, but you cannot hit me.” LIMIT SET is the third step. Here, you set clear limits and what your child may do (or what you’re willing to do), and hold your boundaries. For example, you tell your child they can play outside after they’ve finished their homework. They aren’t doing what they’re supposed to do, and time’s up. We’re not going to play outside. When you hold a limit, your kid is going to have feelings about it. They’re going to be uncomfortable, disappointed, mad or sad. When your kid is upset because you’re holding firm to your limit, they might try to negotiate with you to get what they want. If you can hold the line and let them struggle a little bit, they will find a way to move through the emotion.  Finally, we CORRECT any misbehavior that happened. When your kid makes a mistake, they fix it. Consequences don’t have to involve pain and shame. You can practice empathy and compassion while following through with a consequence. Consequences are not about threats or fear. It’s about teaching our kids to think through their actions and the result of those actions. To recognize when their behavior has caused a problem for someone else and fix their own mistakes. It takes a long time to parent a child to become an adult. So we bring in small ways to show them that their behavior has an impact. “Hitting your brother causes a problem. Here’s how you can fix it.” “Not cleaning up your toys causes a problem. Here’s how you can fix it.” You might be thinking, “Darlynn, this sounds like an awful

I’m just gonna say it. Parenting is confusing! There are a lot of decisions to make, and you want to be an amazing mom for your kid. In this episode, I’ll explain why parenting is so confusing and offer some words of encouragement that I hope will make you realize that you’re already doing a great job.We’ll talk about:Why parenting is confusing (it’s not just you!)How parenting is like learning to driveWhat it looks like to be a beginner and how to advance your skills in parentingIf you are struggling in your parenting and you are confused and overwhelmed, I want to say that's normal. Nothing's wrong with you. Listen to learn how to embrace being a beginner and build confidence in your parenting skills.---------------------------------------As a parent, there are a lot of times when you don't know what to do. You think you should know, so then you feel bad because you don't know. You judge your confusion, and it's a whole messy spiral.Especially in the beginning, you might think, “What is wrong with me? I have no idea how to do this. I'm so overwhelmed.” I want you to know nothing is wrong with you. Why Parenting Is ConfusingThe reason parenting is confusing is simply because you have never done this before. It's normal to feel confused in the beginning of doing something new.Parenting is a long line of decisions and things you need to learn how to do, from when and how to introduce solid foods to signing your kid up for sports to teaching them how to drive.There are lots of opinions out there, from friends, family and, of course, the internet, but YOU are the one who has to decide. It feels like you're flying blind. You make the best decision you can with the information you have and see what happens.This doesn’t always feel great, but it’s the same with anything new that you’re learning how to do.  Being a BeginnerI’ve taught three teenagers to drive (both of my sons and my nephew), and I was struck by how little the kids actually knew about how to drive. They thought they knew because they'd been in a car a lot. They'd watched their parents drive. But when they got in, they barely knew where the brake was and they had no idea how much pressure to use on the pedals or how far to turn the steering wheel.Parenting is the same. You had parents or other adults who raised you. You’ve seen other people parent. Maybe you’ve even read books about it. But doing it yourself is a whole other story.I want to release you from the guilt or the shame around thinking that you should know better and give you permission to be a beginner, especially in the first 7 or 8 years of parenthood. This is not something that you should be great at right out of the gate.You’re already a great parent because you’re a wonderful human, but these unique experiences of parenting are new. You have not dealt with this before. For now, I want you to adopt a beginner mindset in parenting like you would with any other skill. Right now you’re looking for answers, figuring things out and deciding what areas you should seek out help with.  Building Your Parenting SkillsEvery time we want to we do something new, especially if it matters to us, we learn. We get help, we find a teacher. The cool thing is that as you do something, you learn the basics and start to get better at it. Some of those basic things that you used to feel confused about no longer feel so confusing.You get to know your kid a little bit more. You make some decisions and build up experience and wisdom. You start to realize that you’ve already figured out a bunch of things, and you’re not necessarily a beginner anymore. You’re more of an advanced beginner.Not everything feels so heavy and hard and weighted, and not everything feels like it's going to matter for the long term.You realize that parenting is about making choices, and when they don’t work out, it’s not a problem. We can pivot. Not everything you or your child does at 4 years old is what will be happening at 14. And as you move into the intermediate stage, you use your beginner skills to problem solve and build even more confidence as a parent.  An Instruction Manual for ParentingParenting isn’t confusing because you don’t have the intuition for it or you're not cut out for it or because something’s wrong with you. It's an actual skill gap.Just like someone taught you how to drive and to deal with obstacles along the road when they came up, sometimes you need actual teaching in parenting. You need new skills and “advanced” level parents who have gone ahead of you, who've seen a lot of obstacles, who've gone through these scenarios and can give you perspective and can tell you what's coming down the road.People often joke, “I wish this kid came with an instruction manual.” And it's not a joke. It's a legit desire. Because this stuff is hard!That's why I have spent the last 12 years trying to create the instruction manual for parent

If you’re a mom, you know there are times when you don’t like your kid. Of course, you always love and care about them and want what’s best for them, but there are also tough stages or times when they’re showing up in ways you just really don’t like. This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (because we’re ashamed of feeling this way). In this episode, you’ll learn:Why only you can control the way you think and feel about your kid (no more waiting for them to change)Examples of how to reframe behavior and use it as information2 simple exercises you can do right now to shift to a more positive view of your childHow your feelings toward your kid are like an Instant PotListen in to learn how to change your thoughts and feelings about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky place of judgment, anger and resentment, find compassion and improve your relationship.-----------------------------------------------If you’re a mom, you know there are times when you don’t like your kid. Of course, you always love and care about them and want what’s best for them, but there are also tough stages or times when they’re showing up in ways you just really don’t like. .This happens to parents all the time, but it’s something we hardly ever talk about (probably because we feel ashamed for feeling this way). We think we aren’t supposed to have these negative feelings about our kids. When You Don’t Like Your KidThe truth is, there are stages of parenting that are really hard. Little kids fight for more power. Teenagers try to define themselves and might show up with values that don’t feel good to you. Personalities clash. Your kid has big feelings that they don’t know what to do with. These challenges can be even bigger if your child is neurodivergent or has experienced trauma in their lives.I want you to know that, no matter what is going on, your kid is not just an asshole. They’re not wired to be a jerk. They are a human struggling with their negative thoughts and big feelings, and they don’t know how to handle it.These are hard things to be around, so it’s normal if there are periods of time when you don’t really like your kid that much.It becomes a problem when you stay stuck in that place and start to harbor resentment, frustration and anger. When you bring that “dislike” energy and all of your negative opinions and thoughts into your relationship, the dislike (and even disgust) grows. You act unkindly toward them, they get defensive or attack you back, and you can end up in a really yucky place.And if you feel overwhelmed by the frustration and hurt and want to emotionally check out, you’ll lose that connection, too.It’s easy to think that your child needs to change their behavior or personality in order for you to feel differently about them. But this is pretty much completely out of your control, and as you wait for them to change, the relationship gets worse and worse. How To Shift From “Dislike” To “Like”There is a better way, and it starts with you. The strategies below will help you to change how you are thinking and feeling about your child so that you can shift out of that yucky mindset and improve your relationship.So much of parenting is about your mindset, which is great because you have control over how you think about something (including your kid and their behavior). Your thoughts then create your feelings, and your feelings drive the way you show up and act with your kid.You get to choose how you think and feel about your child. You can also reframe the way you think about their behavior, remembering that behavior is always an expression of how that person is feeling. What’s going on inside of them is showing up on the outside. This idea can help us be more curious and compassionate, and it is the root of gentle parenting. The Delight ListThis is one of my favorite tools for building closer connections between moms and their kids (or really anyone in your life).It’s an exercise that helps you train your brain to look for the good things about your child. Here’s how to create your Delight List:Write a list of 30 things that you like about your childRead this list aloud to someone - your partner, your friend, your mom, or your parent coach Commit to reading your list once a day.Think "delightful thoughts" while you are near your child.Tell your child one thing you enjoy or like about them each day.If you need some help, here are a few prompts to get you started:I like [blank] about my kid.My kid is really good at [blank].I feel the most happy when my kid does [blank]. II know my kid is great because [blank].Write your delight list in a journal, on your computer, in the notes section of your phone, speak it in a voice memo, or add it to your journal. Do it in a place where you can look at it a few times. The more you practice delight, the more you’ll feel it.The “I'm Mad at You” LetterSometimes, you can’t find t

You’ve probably heard about the value of play for kids, but did you know that it’s just as important for adults? Today, I’m joined by TJ Matton, who helps people find enjoyment in the everyday, playful ways to manage stress, and empowering ways to greater fulfillment.You’ll Learn:The value of play - for kids and adults alikeWhy we stop playing in the first placeHow embracing play affects your parentingWhere to start if you’re feeling stuckListen in to hear playing in your own way helps you organically manage your time, feel embodied and find purpose and meaning in everyday life. -----------------------------------------TJ Matton is a social worker, psychotherapist, coach, and educator. Through her business, The Playful Revolution, she helps adults learn to liberate their minds and bodies through play. Most people automatically associate play with children (or playing with kids). But play is a primal need of all humans, and TJ’s goal is to help adults re-engage their natural drive for play. Why Do We Need Play?Besides the fact that it’s enjoyable, play is a tool that we can use to regulate our nervous systems and manage our stress responses.In her work with moms, TJ has explored how mom rage is related to a play-deprived state. When we yell and scream at our kids, it gives us a feeling of power and control. It puts us back into our bodies. But we can get these same feelings from play…without the wave of guilt, shame and embarrassment that often comes after an episode of mom rage. Play helps us release the pent-up energy in our bodies and shift out of an activated state more easily. We often think of being playful as silly or humorous. And while it can look this way, play is really about being interested, engaged, curious and connected. It can be physical, intellectual or in our imaginations. Even tasks like cooking can be playful, if you’re feeling engaged and creative in the process.  Why Do We Stop Playing?As kids, play is everything! So, what happened?  VulnerabilityFor adults, play can bring up feelings of vulnerability, powerlessness or fear of failure.It requires us to abandon power dynamics. We might have to change rules or adjust a game to even the playing field and make it playful and fun for everyone involved. And there is often some risk taking involved. The point of play is to test limits, like when you build the tallest tower you can, knowing that it will fall.  This limit testing means that we are going to fail pretty much every time (and that’s what’s supposed to happen). But the older we get, the less acceptable we see failure to be. Instead, we can look at life from a place of curiosity and resilience. “My tower fell over, but that’s what’s supposed to happen. I didn’t do anything wrong. Now I get to try again. I wonder how tall I can get it next time?” Previous experiencesOur learned response to play also plays a role in how we approach it as adults. As a child, were you often told that your play was too loud, big, chaotic or messy? Were there gender expectations put on your play?  Gender differencesThe majority of girls lose play between the ages of 8 and 11. 70% of girls drop out of sports between 7 and 10 years old. They start to shift focus to peer and family relationships and behavioral expectations of being well-mannered and kind. They are encouraged to get out of self-connection and prioritize others instead. Types of PlayMost of us have an idea of what play “should” look like. TJ tells us that play isn’t something we have to go out and do. It’s more of a state we try to achieve. An experience that we feel within ourselves of feeling interested and engaged. Our play is like a blueprint of ourselves, and it is continuous throughout our lifetimes. This is so powerful because it means that the playful part of you is not gone. It is still there, waiting. And reconnecting to your preferred style of play feels like coming home to yourself.TJ introduces the 8 play personalities outlined by Dr. Stewart Brown and what play typically looks like for some of these common personalities. Some examples are kinetic play, which uses the body; competitive play, which challenges the player to accomplish something within a set of rules; exploration; collecting things; and jokers who are drawn to humor and vibrancy.She also highlights that some of us thrive as solo players, while others prefer parallel play or collaborative play.  Obstacles to PlayIf play is so good for us (and it’s enjoyable), why aren’t we doing it? TJ says that the biggest obstacles she sees are the expectations that we put on ourselves and expectations we feel from others. Those expectations are stressors that push the body down. Many of us have a story in our minds about how we “should” be. But where d

You know how some moms’ kids seem to listen to them and others don’t? What is it that makes some kids listen and follow directions more than others? What is it that allows the parent to have more ease in those moments?I believe leadership has a huge impact. In today’s episode, I’m talking about leadership energy in parenting and how it can shift the dynamic of your home (in a good way!).We’re getting into:The benefits of bringing leadership energy into parenting momentsHow to get more compliance and ease in your family (and less chaos and arguing)How to build the leadership traits of clarity, commitment, confidence and calmThis episode is an invitation to you to see the value of leadership and the value of connecting with your own leadership energy. --------------------------------------------What kind of energy are you bringing to your parenting, the decisions you make and the way you show up with your kids? I believe leadership has a huge impact on how well your kids listen to you, the ease you feel and the overall dynamic of your home.Individuals with leadership energy seem to be able to get people to work together and motivate people to follow their vision and plan. What I’ve seen with parents is that when you bring that leadership energy, there is a lot more compliance and ease and less chaos and arguing.  Why Is Leadership Important in Parenting?You may not be a leader in your job, but inside the four walls of your home, someone has to be in charge (and it’s not the kids). As the adult, you know what’s best. You understand time and money and nutrition and sleep. Your kids don’t. Plus, kids are wired to look to the adults around them for safety and to be guided and taught. The energy that you bring to that role will impact the way your kid responds. Imagine a situation where you ask your child to do something (get dressed, clean up their toys, get in the bathtub, etc.). When you tell your kid what to do, they will have some kind of response to it. They’re humans, after all, with their own personalities, desires and interests. If they don’t want to do what you’ve asked, you’re going to see some resistance and protest. This might look like ignoring you, saying “no”, complaining or negotiating.What happens next can go a couple different ways… Without Leadership EnergyYour kid’s resistance makes you feel powerless, overwhelmed, angry or resentful. You might think, “I don't have any control over this kid.”Often, the parent then tries to get the kid to buy in and agree to what they’re being asked to do. It turns into convincing or coercing them to behave a certain way. You might notice yourself explaining why something is important (and they usually start arguing back). Or maybe you try to bribe them with a promise of some future reward (which they’ll also try to negotiate). Or the threats of punishment come out and you use fear to try to get them to comply. Shame or comparison might even make an appearance. “Other kids get to school on time. Why can’t you?”When we get into these convincing strategies, we’re communicating that we feel out of control and we’re not sure how this is going to go. And it actually makes your kid feel unsafe because they’re looking to you to be the grown-up. On some level they know they shouldn’t be the one in control. These ineffective strategies come out when you feel like you’re backed into a corner and you don’t know what else to do.I want to offer that you DO know what to do. You have tons of evidence from times when your kids have listened to you. Maybe not always on your timeline or without protest, but you do know how to get what you want from your kids. With Leadership EnergyThe opposite of convincing is confidence. When you are in your leadership energy, you show up like, “100% these people are going to school” or “This kid is 100% going to bed.” You have clarity about what needs to happen. You’re committed because you know the outcome is inevitable.You may not know how long it’s going to take, but that kid is going to put their pajamas on and get into bed.Let yourself notice that, in fact, most nights your kid does put on their pjs and go to bed. Look for the patterns and evidence that you DO get the result you want. You ARE capable. You are the grown-up and you know best. 4 Traits of Leadership in ParentingThere are four common traits that make a strong leader, and they are skills you can learn and practice.#1: Clarity You see the big picture of how you want something to go. You are the grown-up, you have a lot of experience and you know what is best. If you aren’t feeling clear on what needs to happen, start by asking yourself what you want it to be like.Your kid might protest, but you know that feelings come and go, and feelings are okay. You can acknowledge feelings without changing your goal, having to negotiate,

Victoria Yates is back on the podcast today to talk with me about teaching kids to love their bodies and have a great relationship with food and their bodies. We’re addressing some of the challenges and fears that we face as parents, how society has told us to view our bodies, and then she’ll share some strategies to help you support your kid’s health in a positive way.Victoria is an intuitive eating and body image coach for women. She is also a former labor & delivery and pediatric nurse. The last time she was here, we talked about how we, as women, can heal our relationships with our bodies and move toward body acceptance and self love at a deeper level. Today, we’re taking it a step further to develop a body positive dynamic for the whole family. If you’ve been here for a while, you know that my mission as a parenting coach is to heal the next generation in advance. To help our kids get to adulthood without a bunch of trauma and insecurity that they need to heal from. One of the things that women (myself included) are healing from is our relationship with our bodies and with food. What would it be like if our kids didn’t need to heal these wounds? What is Body Positivity?Recent culture tells us that a small body = health. And there’s pushback against body positivity by people thinking this means that accepting our bodies means that health isn’t important anymore. Victoria explains that her idea of body positivity is not that there are good or bad bodies. Everyone has a different body. It’s a part of human diversity. Body positivity is really about saying, “This is the body that I was given,” and being a little more neutral and accepting of it. We aren’t all made to be one specific size, and there are a lot of factors that go into our size and weight. Some are things we can control, like our eating habits, movement, sleep and stress. But a large component also comes from our genetics. And our bodies are always changing. You can think of your relationship with your body like a relationship with another person (e.g. your kid or your spouse/partner). You’re always learning new things about them. You might be frustrated with them at times, but the acceptance and love is still there.  What Our Culture Says About BodiesThere is an anti-fat bias in our society. On the flip side of that, there is privilege that comes with being thin. Society uses our bodies to decide what is beautiful, healthy and even moral. And this translates into seeing a fat body and labeling it as not beautiful or healthy, like they’ve done something wrong. Living in a body that isn’t accepted by society comes with the risk of being made fun of or passed up for opportunities. As parents, this can feel scary. We want to keep our kids safe, and they are more likely to be valued in society if they are in a thin body. You might jump to thinking, “I’ve gotta put my kid on a diet,” or “I’ve gotta make sure they move.”I see these concerns about weight and body shape come in often around age 9 or 10, as kids are entering puberty. Their bodies are changing in a lot of ways, and kids seem to put on weight before they have growth spurts (not a doctor here, just an observation). It can be scary for parents to see those changes, and I sometimes see diet culture start to creep in. Victoria shares that most of her adult clients first started dieting in their teenage years. This can be generational, starting with a girl going to a Weight Watchers meeting or doing a diet plan with her mom. The truth is, people might judge your kid by the way they look. We can’t control that. They might even judge your parenting based on how your kid looks. It can be really hurtful. So how do we own the idea that their body is the right size, they’re in a relationship with their body and food and that they’re learning and figuring it out?It starts with the question, “What are you actually worried about - health or fitting in?”Victoria shares a few strategies parents can use to help their kids develop body positivity.  Teaching Kids To Love Their BodiesWhen it comes to food and bodies, instead of focusing on weight and size, here are some emotionally healthy frameworks to consider.Focus on health-promoting behaviors: movement, nutrition, sleep hygiene, being outside, and spending time with others. (Instead of focusing on weight loss.)The book Health At Every Size explains that the things we do, not our weight, determine our health. Eating intuitively, moving our bodies regularly, sleeping well and managing stress are the factors that actually impact health. Our weight is secondary. Ultimately, we want to cultivate a home environment that promotes a healthy relationship with food and body. Look at what your kid is doing and what habits are encouraged in your home. Are you bringing nutritious foods into the house? Are you moving as a family? Practice the d

Over the past 15 years, I’ve seen a shift in our society’s approach to parenting. We’re moving away from punishment and shame and toward compassion (I love it!!). But gentle parenting has its pitfalls, too. Today, I’m talking about why consequences matter and how you can use natural and logical consequences to help your child understand and take responsibility for the impact of their behavior without hurting your relationship. A Shift From Traditional To Gentle Parenting I've spent the last 15 years advocating for a shift in the way we approach discipline and consequences with our children. In the early days, it was revolutionary to me to learn that I didn't have to use pain, punishment, shame, spanking or time-outs to get through to my kids. Teaching parents this new, more compassionate approach was an uphill battle. These days, more and more moms are aware of gentler parenting philosophies. I’ve been able to see firsthand the shift that has happened over the last decade and a half. In working with moms of different generations, I’ve seen that Gen X struggles a lot more with trying to release themselves from those punitive measures and lecturing and shaming. It’s a lot of work. We didn’t have a model or map for this, but you’re here listening. You’re doing the work.In millennial parents, there is a deeper desire to show up for your kids with compassion. You’re connected and committed, and I love it. I also want you to see that permissive parenting is a pitfall of gentle parenting. We need to still parent our children, which means we need to help them understand that their behavior has a result.We’ve reached a point where parents are so aware of not wanting to hurt their kids that they’re often afraid to say no, to acknowledge that a behavior is causing a problem or to follow through with consequences. Why Consequences MatterThis shift to a gentler parenting approach can even go so far as not wanting our kids to experience any kind of discomfort and doing whatever we can to prevent that from happening. We try to rescue them from their own choices and behavior, from the results of their own actions.What I find myself teaching more and more now is that consequences aren’t mean. They’re necessary. It isn’t wrong to teach your kids that their behavior has an impact that is not okay.I completely understand the desire to protect your kids from discomfort. But the truth is, if you constantly rescue your kids and don't let them experience the negative impact of their behavior, their behavior will not change.The way that we teach our kids that their behavior causes problems is by showing them the problems and letting them experience the impacts of their behavior. If you don't bring impacts to your kids, how do they learn? What alternative do you have? You can talk and explain, but experience is the teacher.You can be firm. You can be strong. You can be the leader in your family. And you can do these things without being harsh, mean or hurting your relationship with your child.We do this by using natural and logical consequences, rather than punitive ones that focus on punishment, pain and shame. Natural and Logical ConsequencesNatural and logical consequences are two ways to let your kid experience the impact of their behavior. With natural consequences, the impact comes to your child. It is a direct result of their choice.For example, you provide breakfast before school. Your kid chooses not to eat, so they’re going to feel hungry later. You did your part by giving them the opportunity to eat. A hungry belly is a good lesson. They’ll feel a little uncomfortable, but they aren’t going to starve because they’ll have other chances to eat later in the day.With logical consequences, you bring the impact to your kid so that they see the connection between their behavior and the result of their behavior. Sometimes a natural consequence takes a long time to play out (e.g. hitting and insulting their sibling now might mean they don’t have a good relationship later) so we, as parents, need to bring the impact a little closer to our kids. Experiencing that impact is the motivating factor for them to change their behavior. The difference between a logical consequence and a more traditional punishment is that it isn’t our goal to make them feel pain or shame. Logical consequences usually start with a limit. For example, “You’re welcome to go play or use screens after your homework is finished.” So logically, if they don’t finish their homework, playtime or screentime doesn’t come. I also often teach the concept of restitution - restoring back the impact and fixing the mistakes that your behavior caused. Sometimes we have to get a little creative with these impacts. If you’re stuck, think of the three main resources we have: time, energy and money. Which of these is your kid’s behavior affecting? There is always a way you can transfer that impact bac

We all have them, those days when things are going well, you’re having a nice day with the kids and things feel easy…But then a switch gets flipped and everything goes to crap. In this episode, you’ll learn my process for resetting crappy moments so you can get back to feeling calm and connected (and maybe even have a little fun!).I know firsthand the challenges that come with managing unexpected meltdowns and dysregulated behaviors. Maybe your kid has a tantrum and you have no idea why or you hit your threshold before you even realize you’re starting to feel overwhelmed. Bonus points if you’re at the grocery store, out to eat or visiting someone else’s home. When Happy Turns to CrappyThis scenario of things escalating quickly is so common. I see it sometimes at restaurants. A family comes in and orders food. The kids are doing fine. They’re occupied while they wait for the food to come and eat it really fast because they’re hungry. Then, they start to act out. Mom’s thinking, “All I wanted to do was sit here and enjoy myself. Now my kids are super wild, and I don't know what to do. Do we leave? Do we not leave?” She’s about to lose it (and maybe she does).The problem here is that the kids now have full bellies. They have energy to burn and don’t know what to do while they sit and wait for everyone else to finish eating. And when mom runs out of patience and becomes harsh or starts to make threats, the situation escalates. Why Crappy Moments HappenIn these moments, your child's amygdala, the part of their brain that activates the stress response, is sounding an alarm. At the restaurant, it might be triggered by boredom or restlessness. This discomfort causes your child to become dysregulated, so they come up with strategies to communicate or cope with that uncomfortable feeling (like getting noisy or wild with their body). They’re feeling a certain way and showing it with their body. But we tend to bypass the emotion and jump straight to “fixing” the behavior. When your child is dysregulated and acting out, your brain is going to tell you to start threatening and punishing. To discipline the behavior and get them back in line. It sees their behavior as a threat. But this is not the time for consequences. It will only escalate the situation even more. Resetting Crappy MomentsThe first step is to simply recognize that these moments happened. At first, you might only realize it after the fact, but with practice you’ll learn to see it while it’s happening. When you feel like things are going off the rails and your kids are escalating and things are just really hard and feel awful, I want you to take a pause break with everyone. When you notice that your child is having feelings about something, take a moment to address it. This might mean pausing a conversation or activity. In the restaurant scenario, you could take the child aside or go sit next to them and calmly say, “We need to talk here for a second.” Taking this pause to calm yourself and your child comes from a leadership energy of believing that you are actually in control here. You know what to do. You know how to reset. Rather than making commands or threats, turn to your child and connect with them. Either in your own mind or with your kid, narrate what is happening and name the emotion that might be causing it. Then ask them what they’re going to do next. Empower them to make a decision about the next steps. Set some limits, and if they can’t hold them, you’ll have to pivot. If that pivot costs you anything (time, money, energy, etc.), it has an impact that you’ll pass back onto your kid later (aka a consequence). We don’t let our kids get away with bad behavior. Your child’s feelings are valid, their behavior makes sense, and they're still responsible for the impact of their behavior.I want your kid’s nervous system (and yours) to calm down before you deliver the consequence. This is what I call delaying a consequence.  When you take a beat to regroup, pause, connect and limit set, you are actually teaching your children how to pause and reset themselves. The long-term goal is that our kids will be able to notice when they’re getting dysregulated, they’ll have words for what they’re feeling and they will have healthy ways to cope with those feelings. It’s a life skill that will benefit them forever. The process is always the same. You and your kids can learn and practice it right alongside each other. Head to my website to learn more about upcoming programs and how you can get the tools and support you need. As you move through this week and challenging moments come up, ask yourself, “Can I choose my peace in this moment? Can I choose my kid’s emotional well-being in this moment?” You’ve got this, Mama! Take a pause, give yourself a chance to reset and start again. You’ll Learn:Common scenarios when things get off-t

In compassionate parenting, we talk a lot about emotions. In today’s episode I’m explaining the 5 emotional needs of kids, how unmet needs show up in behavior and how you can support your child’s emotional health.In last week’s Parenting 101 episode, I talked about the core needs of attachment and authenticity for humans, including how we can teach better coping strategies while validating our kids’ emotions and authentic selves.This week, we’re diving deeper into what is really going on when your child is misbehaving. Remember, feelings drive behavior. As parents, we can use our kids’ behavior as information to help them deal with the emotions underneath. 5 Emotional Needs of KidsThese five needs are essential for all of us, and anytime we have a need that isn’t being met, we’ll look for a strategy to cope or try to get what we want. The same is true of our kids.Please don’t judge yourself as we go through these. It is not your responsibility to meet every one of these needs at all times, but it is important to recognize that when your child has an unmet need, they will have feelings about it (fear, worry, sadness, etc.) and these will show up in their behavior. AttachmentFor humans, attachment means safety. Kids need to feel safe, secure and connected in their relationship with their parents. An unmet need for attachment feels unsafe, insecure, worried, anxious, scared or hurt. AcceptanceThis relates to our core need for authenticity, the ability to be accepted for who we are, without conditions or expectations. Your child doesn’t want to believe that they have to earn your love. They want to feel like, at their core, they’re great and there is nothing wrong with them. When kids start to sense that they aren’t being accepted for their authentic self, they might feel rejected, unwanted, neglected or abandoned.AffectionOur children thrive on physical touch and affection. This physical affection can serve as a symbol of your connection and attachment. Unmet affection needs show up as feelings of loneliness, fear or sadness. AppreciationWe all have work to do in the world. We have a primal need for our lives to matter and to feel like we have purpose. Even kids need to feel seen and that they matter. They need to feel valued and recognized for their efforts and achievements. Feeling unappreciated can also look like feeling unworthy, disapproved of or even unlovable. AutonomyKids crave a sense of independence and control over their lives (as becomes obvious when they learn the word “no” as toddlers). The need for agency and autonomy is there at all ages, but becomes especially true during the teen years. In order to go out into the world, they need to believe that they have power over their lives and be trusted with that power. When this need isn’t met, we feel powerless, trapped and scared.  Supporting Your Kids’ Emotional NeedsI sometimes call this therapeutic parenting, because you’re learning how the brain and psychology work so that you can become your child's emotional coach, guiding them through navigating their emotions and understanding their needs.When you see arguing, blaming, stalling, hitting, kicking, spitting, complaining, intense crying, hiding, lying or other challenging behaviors, you can get curious about what feelings and unmet needs are underneath.Step 1: Tune into your child’s emotional state. Be present, listen actively, and offer empathetic responses. Our kids need to feel seen, heard, and valued for their emotional experiences. We need to be present and attuned to their needs, but it doesn’t mean we have to solve every problem for them. Step 2: Recognize the need. Get curious about what need isn’t being met. As you look at your child’s behavior, ask yourself what is going on under the surface? What is the unmet emotional need here? Then, narrate to your child what they might be missing. This will help them start to understand themselves more and communicate their needs.Step 3: Offer solutions. Try to give them a little way to get that need met. Sometimes, our kids don't need us to solve the problem. They just need us to acknowledge their feelings and provide a supportive presence while they figure it out. They need to know their grown-ups have their back and they can trust them.  When a child feels that deep sense of safety, then they can take risks, problem solve, be creative, play and feel good. When they are able to be themselves, express their feelings and get their needs met, they are less anxious and irritable. There are fewer behavior problems because your kid feels good. This attachment comes from having a warm, attuned interaction with you. When you do this over and over, your child starts to learn that they can handle their feelings, they know how to take care of themself and that they can trust their parent. They grow up to be more content and know how to get their needs met. We wa

As we kick off 2024, it seemed like a good time to return to the basics of compassionate parenting. Plus, “Parenting 101” is a really fun title for our 101st episode! Today, I’ll walk you through some foundational principles and invite you to think about what you want to focus on as a parent this year. The Basics of Human NeedsIn his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté talks about the two essential needs of humans - attachment and authenticity. Attachment is what drives human behavior. It’s primal. Our nervous system is wired to seek physical and emotional closeness with other humans because we are safer when we are in a community. This need is even stronger in children, because they are completely dependent on their caregivers for a pretty long period of time. The attachment between child and caregiver is vital to their survival. This attachment looks like physical safety, biological needs being met and emotional safety. Ultimately, if I feel attached, I feel safe. The second primal need is authenticity. This means being able to know yourself and express who you are inside. This is a more individualized drive to understand ourselves, and includes building our intuition, trusting our gut and knowing what we’re capable of. It is at the root of self-esteem and self-concept.Ideally, we want to feel unconditional attachment with the freedom to express our true selves.  The Struggle Between Authenticity and AttachmentTension arises when being our authentic self threatens our attachments. This can happen a lot during childhood.  Kids (and all humans) express their thoughts and feelings through behavior. What often happens is if the caregiver finds the behavior unacceptable, they detach from the child or do other things that threaten their sense of attachment and safety. In parenting, this might look like:Time outsSpankingIgnoring our kidsOnly giving them our attention when they’re behaving the way we wantTime outs are often used as a punishment, rather than the original intent of providing a break for the child to calm themselves. The message is that your behavior (and therefore you) is not acceptable, and you cannot be here with us until you can act right. It tells them that your attachment is conditional on behavior. Spanking is another example where attachment is broken. The message is that you are going to hurt their body in order to teach them how to behave. Ultimately, they learn that they are not safe when they misbehave.You can threaten attachment to get control over your kids and manipulate them into behaving a certain way, but they’ll likely develop a low self-concept in the process. The child only learns to be performative. They try to figure out how to get their needs met through behaving a certain way, which leads to suppressing emotion, people pleasing and insecurity. It turns into a feeling that, at their core, they are not okay. Kids are constantly looking for reassurance that they are safe in the relationship and that they can rely on the adults around them. Attachment should never be conditional. The process I teach allows you to acknowledge that your child is struggling, set limits around the behavior and help them handle their feelings in a way that works for everyone. You can think of this more as a “time in”. On the flip side, when we reassure our kids of our unconditional love, they grow into adults who are secure and feel safe and worthy. They’ll be able to take risks, work toward big dreams and overcome obstacles. If you’re using any of these strategies I’ve mentioned, I don’t want you to freak out, blame yourself or think you’re a “bad” parent. These are traditional strategies designed to get compliance. Realize that you do these things because you don’t know what else to do with misbehavior. You aren’t intending to hurt your children. You just don’t have the tools and skills (yet). By reading this blog or listening to this podcast, you are learning a new way.  Parenting 101: The StrategiesThe strategies I teach are meant to give you the skills for parenting in a way that your kids won’t have to heal from. We do this by strengthening our kids’ feelings of attachment, safety and authenticity. The most important thing to remember about behavior is that it is always driven by feelings or unmet needs. There are behaviors that we need to work on, but we’re not going to use attachment as a way to control our kids. Instead, we reassure them that the attachment and our love is never in question as we guide them toward better behaviors.  Communicate Your Unconditional AttachmentWhen misbehavior happens, your kid will be upset when you follow through on a consequence. Younger kids, especially, might worry that you don’t love them. You can hold your limit while still reassuring them. “Listen, you’re safe. You’re okay. I’m not mad at you. This is just part of learni

Welcome to our 100th episode of Become a Calm Mama! Today, I’m getting pretty personal about things I experienced in my childhood and how trauma informed my parenting. We’ll also talk about some ways to feel better and heal from traumatic experiences in your past.I also have my best friend, Tiffany Howsam, here with me today. Tiffany is a licensed marriage and family therapist, as well as a certified life coach. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years, and she has created a safe place for me and been a big part of my healing and parenting journey. Please note, this is a really emotional episode, for me and possibly for you listening. If you feel stressed, embarrassed or overwhelmed at any point, please stop reading or listening, and take care of yourself.  How Trauma Informed My ParentingWhen my son Lincoln was 4 years old, he was having major meltdowns, getting in trouble at preschool and being aggressive. And I was screaming all the time.There were times that I felt like a victim, like I was being abused by my son. When I told Tiffany this, she explained that it was not normal to feel this way and that I didn’t have to continue feeling this way. That is when I realized I needed some help. One of the first parenting workshops I attended was also my first experience with inner child work. I realized that when Lincoln was being aggressive, I felt like I was in danger, being attacked. As a result of my adverse childhood experiences, I never really felt safe in my body, environment or relationships. Everything always felt dangerous, so I was constantly seeking security and a sense of control. I tried to find the rules of how I was supposed to live, and it often showed up as perfectionism. I wanted to crack the code on everything - figure it out so I could do it “right” and be safe. This trauma also showed up for me in the form of eating disorders, people pleasing and a high sense of vigilance, When I had kids, there were so many decisions to make, and I didn’t feel like I knew the right answer to any of them. And when it came to behavior, I didn’t know how to not yell at them. So I’d yell. Then I’d feel ashamed and beat myself up, tell myself that they were bad. When you don’t have good parents, you actually don’t know what else to do. There’s no template to follow.As parents, we can have the best intentions. Then, we’re triggered and an old wound or stress response comes back up, and we’re in it, doing the thing we don’t want to do. There are so many things I went through that I wanted to protect my kids from. I made their emotional health my #1 parenting goal, which meant that I lowered my standards in other areas. I just wanted them to feel safe and held and cared for.  How I’m Healing From Childhood TraumaThere are several choices I made and strategies I used over the past 15-ish years to help me out of the trauma response, overreactivity and toxic stress. A lot of my childhood stress came from growing up in an unpredictable environment. When I was a kid, I never knew what was happening. There was so much confusion, and nobody talked to me about it. As a mom, I became really focused on not having chaos in our family. I wanted everything to be simple and flow smoothly. When my kids were young I was doing a lot of healing work, and I needed routines to support me. I did a lot of work on my mental health, through journaling, therapy and other people in my life who I could trust. I learned all I could about parenting. I read books, attended classes and workshops, completed workbooks and put a lot of time and energy into it. Then I combined all I’d learned about parenting with skills I’d used to work on my mental health to coach my kids through their feelings. I practiced being more honest with my kids, narrating circumstances and helping them name the emotions (what I now call the Connection Tool). When I think about the things that have healed me, it’s radical listening, radical honesty, radical self-love and radical action. I’m willing to be honest with myself, trust my love for myself, listen to what I’m saying and then take new action. Tiffany thinks of this as showing up for yourself how you want to show up for your kids. I see it as showing up the way you wish adults had shown up for you.  How You Can Heal From TraumaOur bodies and behavior give us clues when we are not well. If you find yourself being aggressive, yelling, being physical, emotionally checking out, looking at your phone all the time, not paying attention…these are all signs that something is off. But instead of jumping to self-judgment, we can have compassion for ourselves and get curious about where it’s coming from. What is happening underneath? What are you protecting yourself from or running away from? What are you trying to create that is lacking? Be gentle with yourself, Mama. Doing something new is not easy. Learn to sp

In today’s episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns. Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared. Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season. Make Your Life Work For You This Winter BreakWhen you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break. Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list.Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have. If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself.  Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing.Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle. When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids. It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly. Tip #3: Ask for help.This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to help and be involved in the holiday preparations. When we do it all ourselves, we usually end up really tired and sometimes resentful (again). It’s okay to invite your partner into it if you have one. It’s okay to ask guests to bring something to the dinner or take your neighbor up on their offer to watch your kids. Your people want to help you. So let them.  Tip #4: Decrease the noise.This is something I’ve really been trying to practice in my own life. It might look like keeping clutter down around the house, turning off some notifications on your phone, reading less news or taking a break from social media.Hearing our phones ding all the time actually upsets the nervous system and activates cortisol.When we spend less time listening to and responding to these other things, it opens up time and space to connect with yourself, your kids or in nature. Maybe you’re laughing, playing games or going for a walk as a family.The goal with all of these tips is that you feel better and more calm this holiday season. Not frantic, rushed, too busy or overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy it and remember the feelings.  How To Support Your Kids This Winter BreakThese strategies will help you be more attuned to where your kids are (mentally and emotionally) this winter break, how to support them and how to create better scenarios that decrease misbehavior and meltdowns.  Tip #1: Know that kids are feeling stressed, too.Believe it or not, winter break can be pretty stressful for our kids. Their routines are disrupted and they’re more easily dysregulated. They get bored and are spending more time than usual with siblings, if they have them. Adults are often distracted or busy doing other things, so kids might feel left out. There’s also a little bit of a letdown when Christmas and all of the anticipation is over. You might see your kid’s complaining and dysregulation as them being selfish or spoiled. I want to offer the idea that your kid is not an entitled, indulgent brat. They’re having an emotion.What they really need is compassion. You can think things like, “They had something in mind that didn’t work out,” or “Wow, they’re not used to staying up this late,” or “This is a really different kind of day.” Tip #2: Let your kids know what’s going on.When routines are disrupted, kids don’t know what to expect. One fun way to include them is to create a calendar where you/they can write down or draw pictures of activities that are coming up. Knowing what’s happening helps us feel more safe. Sometimes, people don’t like to tell their kids what’s going on because they’re afraid they’ll be disappointed if plans change. I disagree. Yes, there might be a meltdown and you need to be able to handle that. But in general, it's better to prepare your children and teach them how to handle dis

Whether it’s during the holidays or just on the drive to or from school, meltdowns and tantrums are part of parenting life. In this short and sweet episode, you’ll learn why tantrums happen and get tools and tips for how to handle a meltdown, help your kid deal with the impact of their behavior and cut down the frequency, duration and intensity of big feeling cycles. Why Is Your Kid Having A Meltdown?You might call it a meltdown, a temper tantrum or a fit. I like to call it a big feeling cycle. I like to use this term for a couple of reasons. First, it reminds you that this situation is temporary. Cycles typically have a beginning and an end, and your child’s big feeling cycle is no different. This can be really helpful when you’re in it and it feels like it’s going to go on forever. Second, I want you to recognize that feelings are the root of this behavior. Sometimes, your kid has really big, overwhelming feelings that they don’t know what to do with. And the strategies they use to cope with those feelings (like hitting, kicking, yelling, blaming, etc.) might not be ideal. Their brain has thoughts about some circumstance that they don’t like or that is uncomfortable. This triggers the big feelings. Meltdowns are often triggered when you tell your child no or correct their behavior. They don’t know what to do with the big fear, anger, sadness or other feelings they’re experiencing, so their body takes over and they do anything they can in order to soothe themselves. Of course, we don’t want our kids to hit, kick, and throw things when they get upset, so what’s a mama to do?  How To Handle A MeltdownThe first priority during a meltdown is to keep everyone safe. If your kid is doing some kind of behavior that hurts others, step in and use the Hard No. Say something like, “It’s okay to feel sad. It’s not okay to hit.” Be firm here. Separate kids if you need to.The Hard No is just about facts (no moralizing, lecturing or logic). Your feelings are okay. Your strategy isn’t working. That’s all. In most cases, everyone is safe. You just have a kid who is melting down. Maybe they are complaining, whining or crying. The two things that calm and soothe a big feeling cycle most are connection and moving the body. Step 1: Recognize that your kid is in a big feeling cycleYour brain might see your kid’s behavior as a threat, so you’ll need to remind yourself that this is a big feeling cycle. It’s happened before, and it will end.  Step 2: Validate the emotionCome alongside your child to validate and help name their emotion, either out loud or inside your own heart. This is the Connection Tool. You can say something like, “Honey, you’re kicking and screaming. Are you feeling sad? Okay, that makes sense.”Just your connection and validation will be soothing to them. It’s important to recognize that you can’t use the Connection Tool to end a big feeling cycle. You have to ride the wave and let the cycle complete itself. Our goal in validating and naming the emotion and offering solutions is not to interrupt the big feeling cycle but to decrease the length and intensity of it.  Step 3: Offer solutionsNext, you can ask them to tell you more about how they’re feeling and what’s happening. Or, they might need to show you. The idea is to replace the strategy that they’re using with one that is more “acceptable”. We’re giving them a way to move through the emotion and push it out through their body. If they want to hit, offer them a pillow to punch. If they want to kick, tell them they can stomp their feet on the ground.Look at how they’re naturally using their body, and use this as a clue to find a healthier way to process the emotion. Step 4: RepairSometimes during a big feeling cycle, your kid might hurt someone, break something or cause another type of negative impact. Big feelings don’t excuse the impact of our behavior. So if your child used a strategy that impacted someone else, they will need to go back and repair it.Parents often try to deal with these impacts while the big feeling cycle is still happening, but this only triggers deeper levels of overwhelm for the kid. Adding threats and consequences will intensify the meltdown and make it last longer. Instead, wait until they’re through the cycle and feeling calm again. With kindness and compassion, remind them of what happened and what the impact was. Then, ask them how they would like to fix it. We’re not trying to punish or shame them. The purpose is to show your kid that their behavior has an impact and that they are responsible for their behavior.  We want our kids to feel really loved, supported and validated in their big feelings, but we don't want them to use strategies that hurt others. Their emotions are part of our life, and it's our job to teach them strategies to cope with those emotions.I know that this process will have a huge impact on your

As we head into the holiday season, I want to give you some ways to prepare your nervous system for ALL the things coming your way. With all of the holiday buildup, family visits and kids being home for winter break, your nervous system is going to get activated and you're going to need to work harder to reset it. You’ve probably heard me talk about your stress response. As a parent, your stress response gets activated pretty often. Your brain interprets misbehavior or another everyday situation as an emergency, your brain sounds the alarm and your body gets flooded with “stress juice”. Today, I’m zooming out to talk about the bigger picture of your entire central nervous system. And I’ll show you how you can use your own nervous system to calm yourself more quickly.  Your Nervous System ExplainedThere are two main parts of your nervous system. The first is your sympathetic nervous system. You might also have heard this talked about as your fight/flight/freeze/faint/fawn response). The second part is your parasympathetic nervous system, which includes the vagus nerve. The two parts work together to help you respond to stressful situations and then decrease that stress response, kinda like a teeter totter. One is activated at a time, while the other is decreased. Think of your nervous system as an information highway running through your body at all times. It takes in information through your senses and tells the brain how to respond to what you are experiencing. Neurons (brain cells) carry this message all throughout your body. If your brain interprets any of this information as dangerous, it triggers your stress response and activates the sympathetic nervous system. To your brain, a threat can be something like a kid spitting in your face or getting a bad grade or spilling juice all over the table. Stress juice floods your body, giving you the oomph to respond to the danger. When your stress response is activated, there is a period of time where you aren’t able to regulate your nervous system. When that threat has passed, you start to come back online and your parasympathetic nervous system comes into play. The parasympathetic nervous system is your best friend when it comes to managing your stress response. It has its own network of nerves and helps relax your body after periods of stress or danger. It typically activates on its own after a stressor, but when we have triggers coming at us all the time (like in parenting life), it gets weakened and doesn’t respond as well. That’s why you need tools to reset the system on your own. When we talk about calm and taking pause breaks to reset, the parasympathetic nervous system is the piece that we’re resetting.  Chronic StressYour stress response is healthy and necessary. But often, our brains misinterpret things (like spilled juice being a life-or-death emergency). Parenting is a lot. What ends up happening is that you have a lot of demands and stressors coming at you one after the next, and you don't always have enough time to recover from them.This causes us to be chronically stressed. We constantly have stress juice pouring through our bodies, and it makes it really difficult to stay calm.This is what’s going on when you find yourself getting angry and annoyed about every single thing your kid does. You’ve probably been in an activated stress response for a while, so you are dysregulated. As a mom, you’re dealing with stressors all day long, especially if you have more than one kid. But there are little breaks in between.Our goal is to practice getting ourselves into the parasympathetic nervous system so that we can more easily recover from stress. We want that teeter totter to go easily up and down so that we flow smoothly between the two states of stress and non-stress. The way to do this is to intentionally activate your parasympathetic nervous system in times of calm. This helps strengthen the response so it’s easier for you to access when you do get stressed.  Strengthening the Parasympathetic Nervous SystemRegulating your nervous system is like digestion - stress juice comes up and it’s got to get out somehow. The best way to do this is to preset or reset your nervous system most days through rhythm, relationship or reward. In general, I think the best thing is taking 20 minutes of movement a day. If you don’t have a 20-minute chunk of time, the goal is still to focus on soothing yourself, but those 20 minutes can be spread throughout your day. Some of my favorite stress reset exercises take less than a minute to do, but it’s enough to let your nervous system see that you’re safe and okay. Some examples of resets during your day include:Taking a walk before dinnerDoing a YouTube yoga classCalling a friend to chatLighting a candleHugging a pillow while taking some deep breaths, noticing the sensations in your body and o

This episode is coming out on Thanksgiving Day, and the holiday season is officially here. But sometimes, as humans, we’re in pain even when we are doing celebratory things. Today, my friend and grief coach, Leslie Gelfand, is here to talk about navigating grief as a parent, especially around the holidays.As a grief recovery specialist, Leslie helps her clients navigate through many different kinds of grief and become complete with the pain associated with the loss. I’m so grateful to Leslie for all that she’s taught me and helped me to work through in my own life, and I am so glad she is here to share her expertise with you, as well. What Is Grief?Leslie explains grief as “the normal and natural reaction to a loss” that is caused by an end or change in a familiar pattern or behavior. It is the end of how things were.We can feel grief over a loved one dying, losing a relationship, pet or job. In fact, Leslie shares that there are over 40 different kinds of loss that people can experience that cause grief. Of course, grief shows up differently for different people and situations, including the type of relationship you had with someone you’ve lost. And we often have conflicting feelings. For example, a combination of sadness, relief and guilt.  Anticipatory GriefAnticipatory grief comes up when you know that a big loss is coming. I know that a lot of you are in a stage of life where you have children in your home, and you’re also caregiving for aging, ill or dying parents. I call this the “Panini Place” because it isn’t just a sandwich. It’s hot, you’re feeling pressed and there’s a lot of pressure. This is also a time when you’re likely experiencing anticipatory grief. It’s almost as if we’re pre-grieving. We’re anticipating that the loss and pain is coming. In some ways, this anticipation brings the pain to us early. But it can also aid us in helping to prepare for the loss. It can make the pain a little easier to digest by spreading it out over time. It can also help us to be more present, because we’re aware that each time we see that person it may be the last time. And anticipatory grief gives you a little bit of a preview of how you're going to manage this loss and how you're going to come through it.  Navigating Grief as a ParentAs parents, there are two main concerns that come up with grief: How can I take care of myself and mourn while still caring for my kids? And how do I talk to my kids about what is going on?Many kids’ first experience of death is with a pet, but with any loss at a young age, it feels really, really intense. When my kids were young and experienced the death of a pet, they really followed my emotional lead. They took a cue from me, how I was responding and the emotions I was showing. Our kids don’t have the capacity to take care of us, and they’re looking to us to see if they’re going to be okay. This means that we want to process some of that emotion before bringing it to our kids so that they understand the feelings without it being overwhelming.Kids start to understand the concept of death around age 5. When talking to kids about loss and grief, Leslie says that the details of diagnosis, treatment, etc. don’t really matter. She recommends that for kids up to age 12, explaining death as “the person’s body stopped working,” is a simple explanation they can process. Older kids will ask more questions. They might want to know how or why their body stopped working. She also explains that it’s important to use the terms “death” or “died” rather than more abstract phrasing like “passed away” or “moved on”. We want to use language that is clear and that kids can understand, not nuanced terms that might be confusing. Many of us were taught by our parents to not show emotion. Stay busy, stay strong for the kids, push through (maybe even eat or drink your way through it). We weren’t taught to grieve in a healthy way. This is an opportunity to model healthy grief for your kids.  Coping with GriefWhen there are a lot of big feelings coming forward, we naturally feel a need to distract our mind and body. Your brain and your heart both need a break. Many of the coping mechanisms we use, like exercise, eating, drinking, binge-watching TV, scrolling social media, gaming, shopping, working, etc. are okay in moderation. Sometimes we need to decompress and check out to get that break. When it becomes a problem is when we take these behaviors to an extreme. When we’re trying to fill that hole in our hearts with other stuff and the behaviors take the place of actually dealing with the emotions.As Leslie says, “There is no wrong way to grieve. What you’re feeling is what you're feeling, and it is 100% valid.” A few healthy strategies that most of us need are:Talking to others and letting them help youFinding ways to honor your loved oneTalking about your feelings and how the experience has been for you Navi

Thanksgiving is about a week away here in the U.S. This is a day that can be challenging for kids and adults alike, so today’s episode will help you to prepare yourself and your family to have a calm Thanksgiving with kids. Think back to the past few Thanksgivings. How did they go? Were there some things you’d like to change (or was it just a complete shit-show)?Whether you’re hoping for small or large changes this Thanksgiving, I’ve got four strategies to help you prepare yourself, feel connected to your kids and enjoy the holiday more.  Why Thanksgiving is Challenging for KidsThere are a few things I see come up often (and that I experienced myself with my two boys and ten nieces and nephews).First, kids seem to get into a lot of mischief during Thanksgiving. There’s a lot going on and, especially if you’re at someone else’s house, they might feel confused about their boundaries. They get into stuff they shouldn’t and go into spaces where you don’t want them to go. Plus, they’re bored. Thanksgiving is a long day, and all the adults are focused on other things. Kids are often left to their own devices, but they also probably don’t have access to all their favorite toys and activities. When it comes to mealtime, parents often feel embarrassed by their kids’ table manners. This is something that takes kids a long time to learn. Even just fork food versus finger food is a confusing concept to kids. Sometimes, they act out at the table, don’t want to eat the food or can’t seem to sit still. They may not want to participate in all the traditions, which can feel chaotic, disappointing or embarrassing as a parent. Ultimately, for kids, Thanksgiving is just a bit overwhelming. They might look to you to see if everything is okay. But if they sense that you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it might make them feel more anxious, too. Strategies for a Calm Thanksgiving with KidsAs moms, holidays can come with a lot of pressure. We want ourselves and our kids to be seen in a certain way and are afraid of being judged. But if this overwhelm builds up you might be the one who has a meltdown and has to leave the table (that’s not what we want!). Have A PlanThrough your Thanksgiving celebrations, you're exposing your kid to some traditions, values and cultural experiences that you care about. You don’t need them to buy in and participate in every aspect (this idea alone can relieve a ton of pressure). What your child really needs from you throughout the day is connection and co-regulation. Having a plan in mind to do this makes things feel less chaotic. Spend some time thinking through the day itself (almost like how a teacher would map out a school day). What will the day be like? What time are you leaving? If you’re hosting, what will your kid’s morning look like? Which parent or adult will help move the kids in and out of activities? Who will co-regulate with them when they need it? If you’re the host, you’ll probably need to ask for some help here.Think about which parts of the day might be difficult for your child and decide on 2-3 times you will intentionally connect with them. While you might not want to do this because you’d rather be talking with the other adults, connecting with your kid throughout the day often means that you actually get more uninterrupted time in between. A little bit of focused time with you early in the day will go a long way, and a little connection can buy you a lot of compliance. Connect again in the middle of the day for some kind of structured activity. Then, do some big body movement to get the wiggles out before the meal. Jump on a trampoline, go for a walk or do a dance party. Know what you’ll do if your kid has a meltdown. Instead of pressuring your child to participate or act a certain way, take a pause break together. Go co-regulate with them and spend some time reconnecting. Let them feel safe with you, and then offer a solution and a plan.  Preset Your Nervous SystemSpend some time preparing your nervous system in order to calm your stress response. You can actually train your system so that you don’t stay in a stressed state as long. And it’s kinda fun! It looks like taking time to go for a walk, listen to music, sit and drink your coffee…doing small things that delight you. Ask yourself, “How can I take excellent care of myself this week?” The goal is to proactively get that stress juice out so that you can lower your set point.  Imagine Future YouThink about yourself 10 Thanksgivings from now. You’re not gonna say, “I wish I had spent less time with my kids. I wish we had done fewer things as a family. I wish I had been more stressed about my turkey and how the table looked. I wish I would’ve yelled at my kids more.” You’re probably going to say things like, “I wish I had been more present. I wish I laughed more. I wish I savored and enjoyed my time as a mom. I can

Today’s episode is a collaboration with my friend, Jennifer Delliquadri, and her podcast Raising Happy Teens. We’re diving into the concept of social engineering in parenting and the urge we often feel to shield our kids from discomfort and keep them on the “right” path.My guest, Jennifer Delliquadri, is a life coach for teenagers and their parents. With over 14 years of experience working as a classroom teacher, Jennifer is an expert at connecting with teens. She’s also a certified yoga instructor with years of experience teaching meditation and mindfulness to all ages. When she’s not coaching, you’ll find her volunteering at a local dog shelter, spending time outdoors, and hanging out with her husband and two teenage daughters.Join us as we talk about what social engineering is, what it looks like in parenting, why it’s a problem and how to put more trust in yourself and your child. We’ll challenge the idea that discomfort is bad and look at how it actually provides our kids with valuable experiences and opportunities for growth. What Is Social Engineering in Parenting?You may not have heard the term social engineering before, but I bet you’ve seen it (in other families or in your own). Social engineering is purposely orchestrating your child's environment for maximum popularity and success and minimum disappointment.Social engineering seeks to create a situation where a kid is never put in the position to be hurt or disappointed. The parent tries to inoculate them from social harm. It’s kinda like putting bowling alley bumpers on your kid’s life so that they stay in the lane that you want for them and don’t fall into the gutter.It creeps into academics, athletics, other extracurriculars and even kids’ social lives. And it can cause a lot of problems for kids, even though that’s exactly what parents are trying to avoid. Where Does Social Engineering Come From?There are few common sources of this desire to control and engineer a child’s life, and most are based in fear. Guilt, insecurity and societal pressure often come into play, as well. The parents that Jennifer and I see in our coaching practices are often so afraid. They fear that their kids will be uncomfortable, they won’t be in the right social groups or have all the advantages other kids may have. They fear their kids will fall behind and not have access to opportunities. And they fear that others will judge their parenting. It’s likely that you’ve experienced some (or all) of these fears, too. Between school, sports and other enrichment activities, kids these days are so busy. Parents see what other families are doing and think it’s normal, or even expected. Moms, especially, think they’re not doing enough for their kids. They think they could (and should) be doing more. We also want our kids to be successful and happy. So when we see them disappointed, it feels bad to us. If you felt left out or like you didn’t belong when you were younger, you might want to protect your kid from feeling that same hurt and insecurity. Or maybe you want to give your kids things you didn’t have -experiences or opportunities that you felt you missed out on in your own childhood or adolescence. Basically, we feel like it’s our responsibility to make sure our kids are okay. And this pressure leads to overparenting. Why Social Engineering Is HarmfulThere’s an energy in mom culture right now, an undercurrent of anxiety and scarcity. From an early age, we’re already worried about our kids going to the right school, getting good grades and getting into college.  From working with teens, we’ve seen that even when the path is paved, it doesn’t guarantee that a kid gets into their dream school. The path a parent paves for them might not be their path at all. Often, social engineering comes from the parent wanting more for their kid than the kid actually needs or would benefit from. We can’t truly know which experiences and relationships are going to be in the best service of our kids. When we over-engineer and manipulate their social circle and activities, we could be denying them valuable experiences.The deeper problem with engineering the outside is that we’re not actually building them up from the inside. Without the opportunity to explore and find their own way, kids don’t know who they are, they struggle with identity or they’ve worked so hard to achieve that they end up in a mental health crisis. When parents do everything for their kids, it robs them of the opportunity to develop a good work ethic and positive self esteem. Confidence comes from overcoming challenges. Good relationships with others begin with a good relationship with yourself. What To Do InsteadYou cannot orchestrate perfection. And even if you could, perfection doesn’t prevent pain. Your kids are going to go through hard things. They’re going to feel sad, disappointed and lonely at times. Supporting YourselfSupporting you

Cold and flu season is here, and it’s just a reality that kids get sick a lot (which can be really stressful for parents). Today, I’ll help you manage when kids are sick at home. While taking care of sick kids is a part of parenting, it is also a big disruption to your life. And if they’re not sleeping well, it can be pretty exhausting, too. In this episode, I’m sharing ways to manage your mind and energy when kids are sick, how to create a sick day plan and what to do with them while they’re home. Before we really get into it, there are a few thoughts that I think really help when your kids are sick at home. Thought #1: This is normal. As I researched this episode, I came across a statistic that small children routinely get 8 to 10 colds or viruses per year. That's nearly 1 per month! I don’t share this to worry you, but to let you know that it is totally normal for your kids to get sick (and it does get better as they get older). Thought #2: It is not your fault that your kid is sick. It's not because you're not a good mom. It's not because you aren't feeding them right or they're not good about handwashing. Even in a “perfect” scenario, kids are going to get sick sometimes.Thought #3: You are not powerless. You may not have control over the timing of your kid’s sickness, but you are not powerless in how you handle it.  Manage Your Mindset When Kids Are SickThere are two parts that are frustrating when it comes to having a sick kid at home: The disruption to your routine and the exhaustion and energy drain.You are entitled to feel that frustration, but I don’t want you to stay stuck there. There are strategies you can use to manage your mind and feel better about the situation when your kid is sick at home.  Adjust your scheduleMaybe you have a big meeting at work, plans with a friend or a doctor’s appointment on the calendar. Look at the calendar and see what you can be rescheduled or put off to make the next few days as simple as possible. Shift your prioritiesImagine a Ferris Wheel. Each bucket or seat holds some part of your life - physical health, mental health, social life, hobbies, work, your kids, etc. When things are flowing and the Ferris Wheel is turning, everything has a place and moves along beautifully. But there are also times (like when the Ferris Wheel is loading or unloading) when things stop, and only the bucket at the top is getting the good view. When your kid is sick, for instance, you aren’t going to be able to take care of ALL the other things on the Ferris Wheel. I like to remind myself that the things at the bottom of the Ferris Wheel are still there and that I trust myself to get back to them once the wheel is turning again.Remember, this is a temporary adjustment. When your kid is feeling better, you can readjust your priorities again and do a little catch-up. Lower your standardsYou probably have some rhythms and routines around the things that are important to you. As a mom, you take care of a lot of things. And there are times when you can't take care of them all.Maybe you only allow your kid to sleep in their own bed, and they want to sleep with you. Maybe you have rules around screentime, but you decide it’s okay for them to lay and watch Daniel Tiger all day when they’re sick. Or they don’t have much of an appetite and don’t eat their vegetables. Changing the routine for a few days is okay! You can still set boundaries around what they’re watching etc., but know that it’s an unusual circumstance that won’t last forever. Rest when they restWhen your kid is first sick, they might nap a lot or want to snuggle up with you more than usual. You do not need to spend this time running around and trying to get a bunch of stuff done. Taking care of a sick kid is not easy. It’s work. Rest so that you can have patience with them. Rest so you can keep yourself healthy.  Use the 3 Rs to regulate your nervous systemWhat we really want to avoid is you dumping all of your frustration and fatigue onto your kid. Compassion fatigue is real, so you have to work extra hard at regulating your nervous system and stress response so that you have the capacity to keep showing up for them. Rhythm: Move your body. Do a little stretching or a workout. Put on some music and dance. Get your energy up and out of your body.Relationship: Talk or vent to your partner, friend or family member. Get some emotional support.Reward: Get a little dopamine hit. Sometimes getting a small task done can make you feel good, but make sure you’re doing it with the intention of helping yourself (not just powering through a to-do list). Get a break if you canTake a break to shower, lay down, go for a walk, meet up with a friend, etc. If you have a partner, ask for their help so that you can step away from nursing duty for a little while. Be clear and communicate your need for support. Then follow thr

I admit, I’m a little obsessed with the Enneagram. And, of course, I’m also obsessed with tools that can help you in parenting. Today, we’re combining the two (along with some expert advice) on parenting with the Enneagram.The Enneagram is a personality test that explains how we react to and relate with the world. In this episode, my guest TJ will share a little bit about the Enneagram and how you can apply this tool to parenting.TJ Teems is a counselor, teacher, Certified Enneagram Educator and mom to three teenagers. She is passionate about pursuing personal growth throughout life, and has found the Enneagram to be especially helpful in this goal.   What Is The Enneagram?TJ explains the Enneagram as a personality theory that describes how we see the world. It’s like we each have our own set of binoculars, and depending on our Enneagram number, there are certain things that we see and understand very well, while we miss other things that are sort of like blindspots.The goal in learning your number is to celebrate what you see well and open your mind to what you might be missing, what is still there for you to learn.She says it’s a tool that is used for personal growth, self-awareness and relationships. It has a ton of different applications, and it’s been around for over 2,000 years! Parenting With The EnneagramTJ reminds us that no Enneagram number is better than another. No number is good or bad. It’s just information that encourages you to notice your strengths, blindspots, what you tend to focus on and why you do things the way you do.Each Enneagram has a “superpower” and a “downfall”. It’s often when we over-use the superpower that things can get distorted and become a downfall. As we work through each of the 9 Enneagram types, TJ shares how they show up in parenting, how you can use your strengths to better support your kid and what to look out for. She also helps us to simplify it further by grouping the 9 types into three “stances”.Note: If you want to find out your number before going any further, you can take a test here and, as usual, there are even more details and tips in the full podcast episode. The Dependent (or Earning) Stance includes Enneagrams 1, 2 & 6. These types make sense of the world through relationships. They tend to be emotionally intuitive, compassionate and concerned with the greater good. While they are all caretakers, 1s care more for their environment, 2s for individual relationships and 6s for the group.Enneagram 1 is "The Perfectionist/Reformer" They seek a perfect world and work diligently to improve both themselves and the world and people around them. They are often very organized and driven to make the world a better place. The downside is that they can be overly critical and focused on details that don’t really matter to others. This parent might be concerned with needing to do it all and do it almost perfectly. This might show up in homework, grades, chores or extracurricular activities.Enneagram 2 is known as "The Helper/Befriender". They want to be liked, try to meet the needs of others, and attempt to orchestrate the people and events in their lives. Enneagram 2 parents can be really warm and encouraging. They tend to be very intuitive and relational and connected with feelings. On the flip side, because they also want their kids to be liked, they can tend to micromanage their kids and overdo things in an effort to “help” them. A good question for Enneagram 2 parents (like me) to ask themselves is, “Is my helping helping?”Enneagram 6 is "The Questioner/Loyalist". 6s have insightful minds, are prone to worry, and create worst-case scenarios to help themselves feel prepared in case something goes wrong. This makes them vigilant and protective parents. However, they can tend to communicate to their kids that the world is unsafe. Loyalists are also the do-ers. They’re very group-minded, show up and get stuff done. The Independent (or Aggressive/Assertive) Stance includes Enneagrams 3, 7 & 8. These types make sense of the world through action. They tend to be high-energy, direct and persuasive. This group is really future-oriented. They are about forward motion and energy, but often struggle with feelings. Feelings can slow progress down and make things confusing. They must work to balance feelings with actions. Enneagram 3 is called "The Succeeder/Achiever" . They're really focused on being seen as successful and organize their lives to achieve specific goals. Notice that the focus is not just on being successful, but appearing successful in order to gain the respect and admiration of others. 3s have a lot of energy and capacity and can get a LOT done in a day. They’re great cheerleaders and encouragers to their kids, but problems can arise when their kids are not interested or able to do things to the leve

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re diving deep into the topic of bullying. Bullying can be a difficult and painful experience for kids and parents alike.None of us want our kids to be the bully, and we also don’t want them to be bullied. Today, I’ll describe what bullying actually is (and what it is not) and help you learn to spot the risk factors and signs that your kid is being bullied or that your kid is doing the bullying. And, of course, I’ll help you figure out what to do about it if you find your kid in either situation. What Is Bullying?StopBullying.gov explains bullying as unwanted and aggressive behavior among school age children, middle schoolers and teenagers that also involves a real or perceived power imbalance. There are really three parts to bullying: the behavior being unwanted, the imbalance of power and repetition of the behavior. We know how to recognize when a behavior is unwanted. The kid being bullied doesn’t like it. They ask the other person to stop or try to get away from the behavior.The imbalance of power is a little trickier. It can be physical strength, access to embarrassing information or social status. Some of these are easy to see, while others are not obvious. Whatever the advantage, it is then used to control or harm someone else.The power dynamic is also not permanent. Kids go through growth spurts, social circles change and it can be different from one setting to another.Repetition tells us that bullying is not a one-off thing. It has the potential to happen more than once, because the other person is vulnerable in some way. In order to stop the bullying, we need to change something about the circumstance. 4 Types of BullyingWithin this definition, there are four main types of bullying .Verbal Bullying involves saying or writing mean things. Teasing can become bullying if it’s paired with an imbalance of power and repetition. Name-calling, inappropriate sexual comments, taunting and threats are all examples of verbal bullying. Social Bullying or relational bullying involves hurting someone's reputation or relationships. This can look like intentionally leaving one kid out, telling other kids not to be friends with someone, spreading rumors, calling attention to differences or embarrassing someone.Physical Bullying involves hurting someone’s body or their things - hitting, kicking, punching, spitting, taking or breaking someone’s things, making mean hand gestures, etc.Cyberbullying is any type of bullying that happens digitally on phones, computers, texts, social media or other devices or online forums. Cyberbullying is really hard to get away from and can be even more persistent than other types. It’s a 24-hour a day risk. It’s also more permanent because there is a digital footprint. These, combined with the fact that we often aren’t seeing it happen makes cyberbullying especially scary for parents because it feels harder to protect our kids. Early Childhood and BullyingAt some point both of my kids were accused of bullying other kids. I also see this come up with my clients, especially when their kids are younger.Around preschool, ages 3 through 5 or 6, we often start to hear about bullying. But that’s not actually what is happening in most cases.At this age, kids are learning how to cooperate and share. They're learning how to understand their feelings. And in that process, they might be aggressive or act out and get angry when they don't get what they want. But that is not bullying. It is normal developmental stuff. Our challenge here is to continue teaching them how to manage their emotions and how their behavior impacts others so that we prevent them from becoming bullies later on. We don’t ignore the behavior, but we also don’t need to start labeling them. Instead, help them regulate their emotions, set boundaries around what’s allowed at school or home and let them deal with the impact of their behavior. Children At Risk of Being BulliedUnfortunately, kids who seem different from their peers are a bit at risk. Perceived differences like being new to the school, looking different or not dressing the same as their peer group can create a risk factor. However, kids who are really confident in the way that they’re different are a lot less at risk because they aren’t perceived as weak or vulnerable. So it’s really a combination of factors that put a kid at risk, including perceived difference, not defending themselves, low self esteem or inability to read social cues. The solution is not changing the way kids look to help them fit in. The real solution is helping them to love themselves and feel good about who they are and how they show up in the world…whatever that looks like for them. That confidence is almost like a shield against being bullied. And if they do experience some bullying behavior, being able to stand up for themselves is likely to shut t

Understanding ADHD in kids and how to best support them can be pretty overwhelming (I know from experience), so today I’m so excited to have an expert here with me to help you through it! Lainie Donnell is an educational therapist, a college counselor, and the cofounder of Lila Learning. For the past 16 years, Lainie has been in private practice as an educational therapist and college counselor, bringing to her clients an empathic, enthusiastic and pragmatic approach to their educational journeys.Her philosophy has been to meet her students where they are currently functioning and help to develop their skills, providing them with a “toolbox” to meet their challenges head-on.  She’s here today to share her expertise on ADHD - from how it might show up in kids to ways you can address challenges related to ADHD and find support for your child.Lainie’s own experiences with dyslexia, auditory and visual processing issues and ADHD led her to this work. During college, she fell in love with teaching and the classroom and got her Masters degree in special education. She says that as a child, even though she had a lot of support, she continued to struggle. Finally being diagnosed with ADHD in the 10th grade gave her a new understanding of herself and how she functions (in her case, meds helped a lot, too).Lainie’s children also have ADHD, so it is both a professional and deeply personal topic for her that is infused into all areas of her life. Parents of kids with any kind of neurodivergence often feel fear around their future and ability to be successful. Lainie says, “There are so many success stories, and I just think it's a matter of approach and attitude and a willingness to embrace.”  What is ADHD?ADHD refers to issues with self-regulation, working memory, sensory integration and the self-management part of the brain. Beyond the general diagnosis of ADHD, there are also three subtypes: inattentive, hyperactive and combined.The inattentive subtype is actually over-attention. The child is paying attention to too many things at a given time. There is too much stimulation, and they can’t prioritize where their attention should go. These kids may not have a lot of behavior issues because they sit quietly, drifting off. Think of a classroom setting with many other students around, stuff hanging on the walls, sounds out in the hallway, etc. all competing with the teacher’s voice.The hyperactive-impulsive subtype is what it sounds like. The child doesn’t think before they act. They understand consequences but just don’t think about them ahead of time. These are the kids who are often labeled “bad” early on because their hyperactive and impulsive behavior is much more obvious.The combined subtype combines elements of both. Inattention, hyperactivity and impulsivity might show up at different times and in different situations. ADHD affects many areas of executive function. Think of executive function like the conductor of an orchestra in your brain. It tells you when to get started with a task, when to manage your time, when to shift to another task, etc. Working memory is one piece of executive function. It allows us to hold on to information while we’re manipulating it and doing something else. It shows up in so many areas of life, including math, writing and social interactions. In kids, this might look like interrupting or not responding to social cues. It doesn’t mean that they don’t understand those cues. It’s simply a challenge for them to notice the cue, pay attention to the other person and also hold on to what they want to say. In the ADHD brain, development of executive function is delayed 3 years, on average. This is one reason why kids with ADHD struggle in relation to their neurotypical peers.  Understanding ADHD Challenges and Self EsteemBetween the ages of 2 and around 5 or 6, the developmental question kids are trying to figure out is, am I good or am I bad? It’s very black and white at this age. And at this age good/bad is largely based on behavior. As they grow between ages 6 and 12, the question they’re answering is, am I capable? If the answer is no, they don’t think they’re capable, it creates more struggle in academics, learning and trying new things. As Lainie explains, school can be a challenging environment for kids with ADHD. Their self esteem gets wrapped up in recognition, success and benchmarks - academic and social. If they aren’t getting the stars, stickers and check marks, it starts to tear away at kids’ self esteem and there becomes a clear divide between ability levels.And the cycle perpetuates itself, because when kids have low self esteem and are unhappy, the learning stops. To parents and caregivers, ADHD can look like a disorder of choice or motivation. They might even view it as laziness. But in the vast majority of cases, no kid wants to fail or let down th

Today (for the first time ever!) I’ve invited a couple of mamas onto the podcast to tell their stories of taking the Emotionally Healthy Kids parenting class. I am so excited for you to hear straight from other moms who have been exactly where you might be right now. They’ll tell you all about why they signed up, their experience in the class and the impact it had on their parenting and beyond.Be sure to listen to the full podcast episode to hear Nicole’s and Kristin’s stories in their own words. Nicole’s Story“If you could give your class to every parent ever, I think we actually could change the world for generations.” When Nicole first found me, she felt like she was totally failing as a mom. Everything was a little out of hand and overwhelming, and she wasn’t showing up as the mom she wanted to be. She was trying to run a business, be a spouse, maintain friendships and care for herself…all while her daughter was starting to show some behaviors that Nicole wasn’t prepared for, like bedtime defiance and outbursts.What she was doing wasn’t working. She was wasting her energy and upsetting her daughter even more. She wanted a better way, but she just didn’t have the tools. Like many parents I work with, she just wanted me to tell her how to get her kid to behave. Nicole’s first “aha” moment came when she learned to reframe her daughter’s behavior. Her daughter isn’t a bad or defiant kid. She’s having really big emotions. Nicole realized that she was having a lot of big feelings, too, and she wasn’t dealing with it. She was the one who had to do the work. The class shined a light on ways that she and her husband were showing up on default - generational things they hadn’t been aware of before. Now, they’ve shifted them into more intentional ways of responding, and it’s brought so much more peace to their household. The second big realization was that she was not taking good enough care of herself physically or emotionally, and it was impacting her ability to get regulated, stay regulated and help her child through her big feelings. She says, “As I have shifted a lot of that for myself, I'm showing up the way that I want to, and [it’s] magical, exactly how I want to actually be as a mom.” Learning how to connect with empathy for her child has given her so much more confidence. An unexpected result of the class is that Nicole has also seen her marriage improve because of the way she can regulate herself and tune in to how her husband is feeling.Nicole says the simple structure of the 4-step Calm Mama Process, along with clear tools and scripts are what helped her make a change and share what she was learning with her husband. Her goal is for her daughter not to need a class like this when she grows up, because Nicole can learn it, practice it and do it now and teach her daughter these emotional regulation skills when she’s young.“That's what I think is so beautiful about your model,” Nicole shares, “is we have room for our emotions as humans, which we all are (news flash!). And then there are still also strong boundaries, consequences when there need to be, lessons learned, but with much greater impact than any of the yelling or lecturing or frustration or blow ups were ever doing. And it's just so beautiful how it's impacted our family.” Kristin’s Story"Working with you…each time, I get more clarity. I feel more confident, empowered." Kristin is a mom of five kids, ranging in age from 7-11, including twins and kids with sensory issues. She also owns and runs multiple small businesses, some of which are childcare centers and preschools. Despite her professional experience with early childhood education, Kristin struggled in parenting. It just didn’t come easy for her. She says she spent a lot of years being really frustrated and overwhelmed as a mom.Before the class, Kristin experienced a lot of shame and guilt. She admits, “I’ve always felt like kind of a fraud…I’m the person who owns preschools. I’m working with kids, and I’m losing my mind at home with my own children.”Parenting felt complicated, and as her oldest entered middle school, she was afraid she’d wasted too much time or spent her energy on the wrong things.She’d read in parenting books before that she needed to be calm...but that just made her more angry because it wasn’t clear how to actually do it. The small group format in the Emotionally Healthy Kids course felt like a safe space to Kristin . It helped her see that she wasn’t alone. Other moms could relate to what she was going through, and she was able to learn from the other families in the group, too.And the realistic, compassionate approach of the CALM step in the Calm Mama Process gave her practical, actionable tools to manage her stress response.Now, she is more confident and able to connect to her kids. She knows what to do. It feels clear, simple and easy.Her fa

Whether you call it a tantrum, meltdown or big feeling cycle, I think we can agree that these moments are overwhelming and stressful (for you and your kid). On today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do during a meltdown and the steps to co-regulation, which allows you to calm yourself and your kid at the same time.If you're like most parents, you've had moments when your kid hits their sibling, they won't do their homework, they constantly ask for more screentime and won’t get off their device. Or you say “no” and it triggers a meltdown. These moments can feel totally overwhelming. You might feel angry, resentful or like you are out of control and powerless in the situation. Your thoughts and feelings about your kid’s reaction can set off your stress response. You have no idea what to do, so you yell and threaten. Then, you feel guilty and second-guess yourself as a parent. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a great parent. Let's get you out of that spiral and back on the road to parenting with peace using the power of co-regulation.Regulating Your Stress ResponseWhen your stress response is triggered by a meltdown, you might feel like you have to do something about it right now. Fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. Your brain interprets your child’s behavior as an emergency and floods your system with a mix of hormones I like to call “stress juice”.Your reaction might show up as yelling, threatening, talking too much, emotionally checking out or disconnecting. These reactions are all totally normal. They’re signals that you are becoming emotionally dysregulated.Dysregulation, simply put, is a temporary emotional and physical state in which you’re struggling to understand and express your emotion in an appropriate way. We’ve all been there!And it happens the same way for our kids.The big challenge comes in when your kid’s dysregulation or big feeling cycle puts you into a dysregulated state, too. When you’re in your stress response, you can’t think straight. Your brain only wants you to react as quickly as possible to get out of danger.As humans, we are going to get dysregulated. There are going to be temporary moments when we feel overwhelmed. The goals are to not get as dysregulated and to learn to calm yourself when you do. This is self-regulation, and it’s all about calming yourself and your own stress response.Steps to Co-Regulation During a Meltdown My programs teach you how to regulate yourself and how to give your kid the tools they need to self-regulate. We want our kids to grow up to know what they’re feeling, how to talk about it and what to do with that feeling. So, how do kids learn these emotional literacy skills? Through a process called co-regulation.Most moms are experts at co-regulation when their kids are babies. We swaddle and shush and soothe because we understand that they’re newborns. They’re going to cry, and they need soothing from us. They need to learn that they are safe and okay. This starts to become more difficult as we reach the toddler years. When we start to see tantrums and meltdowns in 2, 3, and 4-year-olds (and beyond), we think “they should know better.” But they don't. They don’t know how to deal with their feelings yet. In the Calm Mama Process of calm, connect, limit set and correct. Co-regulation falls into those first two steps. First, you calm yourself. Then, you connect with your kid.When your kid has a big feeling cycle, it is not your job to fix anything or change the circumstance. Nothing has gone wrong. Take a pause break to calm your stress response, and then co-regulate. So, what do you actually DO in co-regulation?Step 1: Get calm. Co-regulation starts with you being calm and present. This means that you must self-regulate before you approach your child. Step 2: Name and validate their feelings, using the Connection Tool. Narrate what you see and wonder how they might be feeling. Help them name the emotion. They may not have words for it yet. Let them know that whatever they’re feeling makes sense and is okay. Step 3: Listen. Maybe they want to complain or protest. Step 4: Offer ways to manage their big feelings. If they want to hit, offer them a pillow or your hands. If they want to kick, offer to take them outside to kick a ball. Step 5: Trust that your child can handle their feelings. Our kids’ big feelings can seem pretty scary to us sometimes. Deep down, I want you to believe that even when they’re sad or scared or mad…that they’re okay. The emotion is temporary. Your kid might cycle through the same big feelings over and over again (which can be exhausting for you), but the goal is to decrease the frequency, intensity and duration of those cycles. Think like a scientist and look at the facts. How many meltdowns were there today? How intense were they? How long did they last? If you start to see these numbers go down over time, that’

This is the podcast where you learn how to become a calm parent and raise emotionally healthy kids, but what do emotional health and emotional regulation actually mean? Today I’m sharing a framework from the book, “What Happened To You?” and outlining the 3 Rs of emotional regulation. You can start using these simple concepts right away to help calm yourself and coach your kid when they’re having big feelings.   What Is Emotional Health?When I talk about emotional health (which is the goal of all my programs), I'm really talking about emotional literacy. Emotional literacy is made up of three parts: I know what I'm feelingI know how to talk about what I'm feelingI know what to do with my feelingsWe all have an emotional life, with lots of messy stuff inside. We're constantly responding to experiences and stimulation from the outside world. As things happen around us, we have thoughts and feelings about it. And those feelings show up as behavior. When we are overwhelmed by a circumstance or it feels like we're in danger or something bad is about to happen, we get flooded with a lot of big feelings. When our kids act out these feelings, it often looks like temper tantrums or meltdowns. I call it a Big Feeling Cycle. When an adult gets overwhelmed, it looks like them freaking out, losing their shit and being a hot mess. In these times, we are dysregulated. Our brain is flooded with hormones and chemicals that are meant to help us deal with a stressful situation and keep us safe. The brain wants us to respond FAST. But it ends up looking like someone who is out of control, wild or raging. I want to help you see that that behavior is really just somebody who's struggling to manage their emotions. They're doing their best to move through their big feelings. They're in a dysregulated state, and they're doing things to regulate themselves.Knowing what to do with feelings is the biggest thing I help parents learn - for themselves and for their kids.  Three Rs of Emotional RegulationWhen you find yourself yelling at your kids, lecturing or grabbing their bodies, you are dysregulated. Your stress response is activated and you are seeking regulation. In kids, dysregulation often looks like crying, kicking, punching, threatening or yelling. It is helpful to remember in those moments that your child is using those behaviors as tools to cope with the overwhelm. They are trying to regulate themselves, but they don't really know how to do it in an acceptable way yet. These 3 Rs come from the book "What Happened To You" by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey. RhythmRhythm involves moving your body in some kind of rhythmic way. It is what we do during a Pause Break. You take a break to move your body and your mind. Stomping your feet, jumping up and down, going for a walk or doing a shimmy shake are all ways that we use rhythm and movement to calm ourselves. RelationshipThis can mean your relationship with yourself or with others. In your relationship with yourself, this looks like self-compassion. Being able to put your hand on your heart and say, "Geez, this is hard. I'm very overwhelmed. These kids are a lot. I'm having a hard day." In relationship with others, it might look like calling a friend or talking to your partner for support.RewardRewards are the things we do to distract ourselves and get a little dopamine kick. We might have a treat, scroll Instagram for a few minutes or get something checked off our to-do list. All of these things are good and healthy. The key is to start having more awareness around yourself in the process. Notice when you are doing something because you are dysregulated. When you can identify it and intentionally calm yourself, it happens more quickly.  Emotional Regulation in KidsWhen kids are dysregulated, they need support from the adults around them. And in order to help your kid through their big feelings, you have to be calm and regulated yourself. Once you're calm, your child needs you to validate their emotion. Help them figure out what the heck they're feeling and let them know it's okay for them to feel that way. You may not think that whatever they're going through is a big deal, but compassion requires us to get out of criticism and judgment and get into the heart and mind of the other person. You can validate their emotion and understand that they're mad/disappointed/sad, listen to their complaints and offer them other ways to deal with their big feelings. I call this the "Now What?" and it's where the 3Rs are really helpful.  What does your kid need? Do they need rhythm (movement, looking at a fountain or fish tank, rocking)? What do they naturally do with their body when they're dysregulated? This can be a clue to the type of movement that will be helpful. Do they need relationship (kindness and compassion from you)?