Become A Calm Mama

We’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. You’ll Learn:Real-life examples of shifting plans and expectationsOne of the guiding principles I follow to help with parenting pivotsHow planning and flexibility work together to create more peace and connection5 steps to pivot when things are going the way you hopedI’m talking about parenting pivots and flexibility when you’re dealing with grumpy moods, “I don’t wanna”s, and plans that get off track. -------------------------------------------------Let’s start with a little story…Years ago, my family was in Yosemite for a vacation, and we were all going bike riding. It was getting really, really hot, and we stopped along the trail so that we could go into the river and cool off. And one of my sons did NOT want to go in the river. I was really stuck on this idea that we were all going to cool down in the river. We were cajoling him, trying to convince him to get into the water. Finally, I realized that I could pivot from my expectation or my need for him to go in. I just let it go. I decided to enjoy myself in the water and let him enjoy whatever he was doing. With that pivot, the whole energy shifted between the four of us because I settled down as the emotional leader in my family. My other family members settled down, and we were all at peace. We started to include my son in a different way that allowed him to participate. He would go to the backpack to get us some water or chips or take a towel back to the bikes. He loved it, and it ended up being a really fun experience for us all. Because I was able to detach and pivot and shift into acceptance. To allow for people to be people. To allow for my own feelings and desires to be met. I trusted that it was going to be okay. When you can detach from the desire for your child to participate in a certain way, you’ll be fine with whatever happens. Maybe they join you in the activity, maybe they don’t. Funny thing is, when you detach, kids often come back around and want to be involved. But if they don’t, you’re still okay.  Structure Submits to SpiritThis was a core principle of a church that I went to for a long time. The idea is that we have some basis of structure - a routine, plan, event, etc. But then something happens that you have to submit to. Maybe it’s a big feeling cycle, an illness, bad weather, or a new opportunity. And you have to adjust your expectations. Being flexible and pivoting our plans was a huge struggle for me for a long time. Maybe you can relate. Childhood trauma had me using hypervigilance and overplanning as a way to cope. And as a mom, I was really scared that if I didn’t overplan, my kids would act out, I would not stay calm, I would lose my crap on them, and I’d be a bad mom. I thought that by being really organized, I would keep myself and my kids safe. But this isn’t an all-or-nothing. Having a plan is a really good idea. And we can be flexible in the way we respond when things don’t go the way we expect.Every family needs an adult with some idea of how things are going to go. You need some kind of structure for when people are going to eat, what activities are coming up, how dinner, bedtime, and cleanup will go. Most families work well when there is some kind of rhythm and flow to your days and weeks. But we also need to be able to submit to the spirit. In parenting, I think of this as attunement - connecting with the kids that are in front of us right now. The activity you planned might not be aligned with the energy your kids are bringing. For example, maybe you want a quiet afternoon at home, but you have two kids that have a lot of loud, big-body energy. You might need to shift to something outdoors or more active. On the other hand, if you’re planning a big beach day, but your kids are overly tired or overstimulated, you may need to shift to a quieter activity.  Parenting PivotsWe’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. If a moment doesn't feel like it's aligned, you're struggling to stay calm, and you're getting resistance (from your kids or from within yourself)...you might just need to pivot away. Here’s how: #1 Let yourself off the hook. You know that thing you think you’re “supposed to” do as a mom, but you really don’t want to? Maybe it’s playing trains or dress up, teaching your kids to drive, or baking cookies as a family. Don’t do it. You don’t actually have to.Even if you’re alrea

Let’s face it.  Summer is great.  And it’s a lot.A lot of time with kids. Traveling. Extra meal prep. Day trips with snack bags. Feeling like there’s not enough time to get work done. Long days. Late nights. Sibling fights. Loneliness. You’re going to need a plan to enjoy the season - and avoid burnout.You’ll Learn:Why burnout happensSigns that you are approaching burnoutThe benefits of taking a breakHow to plan your Calm Mama Break When you decide that taking care of yourself this summer and avoiding burnout is a PRIORITY - you will be creative and find a way to make it happen!  And I’m here to help you do it.-----------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

On today’s episode of Become A Calm Mama, I have 2 guests - Angie and Megan - co-founders of Front Row Moms. We’re talking about what it means to be a working mom, as well as the benefits and obstacles to being a working parent. You’ll Learn:What “having it all” actually meansMindset shifts to relieve mom guilt4 strategies for managing overwhelm as a working momWhy empowerment is better than perfectionWhether you are a working mom out of choice or necessity, I know you’ll get some helpful tips and lots of encouragement from our conversation. (And if you’re not a working mom, stick around anyway, because there are some great life management and mindset tips in here for you, too.)--------------------------------------------Meet the Front Row MomsAngie Macdougall and Megan Corey are the powerhouse duo behind Front Row Moms, a dynamic community redefining what it means for women to “have it all” — with heart, health, and high impact.Angie, a mom of two teens, ages 16 and 19,, thrives on being active year-round in the beautiful Okanagan Valley, British Columbia. With over 28 years of leadership at Vector Marketing/Cutco Cutlery, she has recruited and trained thousands, becoming the first woman in the company’s history to balance an executive role with motherhood. Megan Corey is a mom of two boys, ages 10 and 11, and the CEO of 4CORE. As she moved up the chain and was being groomed for a senior leadership role in her previous job, she realized that it didn’t feel right. She didn’t want the burnt out, stressed out, work-first-and-forget-about-family kind of life. So she started her own consulting company where she’s known for simplifying complexity, fostering strategic alliances, and building impactful communities. Angie shares that her biggest fear used to be that she’d have to quit a job she loved in order to be a mom. At that time, she didn’t have an example in her company to look up to. Her journey of navigating career and family inspired her to seek and create a community of women who support one another in embracing life’s challenges and opportunities. Together, Megan and Angie created Front Row Moms to be the kind of community they craved — one where women could grow without guilt, connect deeply, and support one another in every season of life. The Myth of Work Life BalanceLots of working moms feel the pressure to “balance it all”. Balance isn’t an end point you reach, it’s a constant process of shifting priorities and time. Megan says, “We don’t have to be doing all the things all the time 100%.” She and Angie are redefining what “having it all” actually looks like. Angie believes that one solution is looking at results over how long it takes to get something done. You may not be able to fit into the traditional 9-5 schedule, but you can still be counted on to complete tasks and projects. Working from home adds in some unique challenges, as well. When Mom is at home but not available, it can be confusing to kids. In this case, setting clear expectations and boundaries ahead of time is so important. And sometimes, going into the office actually allows you to be more present with whatever it is you're focused on at the time. Each woman has to define “balance” for herself. What does “having it all” look like for YOU, in this stage of life? It’s not always going to be the same. And it probably won’t look like your favorite Instagram feed or your friend’s idea of balance.  Dealing with Mom GuiltThere can be so much guilt that comes with being a working mom, whether it’s missing school pickup, after school conversations, or sports. But it’s okay for your kids to wish you were with them, for you not to be at every single game. You get to prioritize your professional achievement and success.There is no one right way to be a mom or a woman. You don’t have to fit into the stereotypical image of mother, wife, homemaker (unless that’s what feels fulfilling to you). We’re all just people. In fact, kids with working parents tend to be more resilient. They learn to overcome obstacles and deal with disappointment.Megan says to start with what’s important to you right now. Do you really want to be able to volunteer in your kid’s class or chaperone a field trip? Do you want to be able to pick them up most days? When you figure out what you’re working toward, you can look for ways to adjust your schedule and make it happen. The truth is, you probably won’t be able to be there all the times you want to be. Megan goes on to say that when she can’t pick her kids up from school she tells them, “Hey, I'm not gonna be able to pick you up today, so at 5:00 (or whatever time you choose), I'd love to make sure that we sit down and talk about your day.” Then, during that time, you are completely present with them. Angie says it’s “better to be present for a short period of time than kinda there for a long period of time.” As her kids g

Summer Break can somehow be both easier and more stressful for parents. Create a rhythm and make sure your kid’s (and your) needs are met with these 7 family essentials this summer.You’ll Learn:The 7 essential ingredients every family needs to thriveWhy boredom is super important and how to deal with itHow to troubleshoot when your kid is complaining, grumpy and over-tiredWhat to do to calm all the nervous systems in your home this summerIf you start to see your kids fighting or complaining a lot, seeming lethargic or unmotivated, this episode will help you to know what to work on to get them back on track and enjoying summer again.You can read the full show notes here.----------------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

On today’s episode, we’re talking about child-led versus values-led parenting. Last week, I walked you through how to define your family values, and this week we’re putting them into practice - letting them be your guide in parenting. You’ll Learn:The difference between child-led and values-led parentingHow to be compassionate while still holding your limitsExamples of value-based limits I used in my own familyTips for leading with your valuesQuestions to ask as you look at your own boundariesLeading with your values lets you feel good about the “why” behind your choices, set boundaries that actually work, and keep your family on track with where you want to go. Listen to learn how.🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now.------------------------------------------As a parent, you're faced with a lot of decisions, and it might not always be clear what you should do. It’s easy to make an emotional decision in the moment that you might not love when you look back on it later.Child-Led vs. Values-Led ParentingOver the past ten years or so, we’ve heard a lot about how feelings matter, and we need to validate our kids’ feelings. This is completely true and important. And it’s led to a lot of child-led parenting. Where parents get confused is knowing what to do with those feelings after we validate them. Are we supposed to give in?Child-led parenting is sometimes called horizontal attachment. You and your child are essentially on the same level when it comes to decision making. You are focused on your child’s feelings and what they think of you. You want them to like you, so it’s harder to set limits and hold boundaries. Parents using the approach often want to give in so that their kid feels good. They let the child decide what they're doing, what they're getting, and how they're acting. It is a form of permissive parenting.Values-led parenting falls under the category of vertical attachment.  Here, you are the guide, mentor, leader in the relationship. There is some type of hierarchy, and the kids are not in charge. Let’s say your child is on a sports team, and they’re sad because they don’t get a lot of playing time. They don’t want to go to practices or games anymore. They want to quit. In a child-led household, you might let them give up because of the way they’re feeling. In a values-led household, you might remind them that one of your family values is commitment, so they are expected to finish out the season. Values like integrity, reliability, and teamwork could also apply. You can say, “We’re going to continue to do this even if you’re uncomfortable. I believe in you. I know you can handle it.” There’s still room for lots of love and compassion, even as you hold your boundary. Downsides of Child-Led ParentingIn the short term, child-led parenting can feel really good. You get the perceived feeling of being liked or loved by your child. The problem is that kids miss out on opportunities to grow in your values, to trust you, and to build resilience. Kids learn about themselves when they have to work through hard things. Low Self Esteem. The increase in child-led or feelings-led parenting is even leading to a self-esteem crisis in kids. They haven’t been given the opportunity to learn to handle discomfort and work through that emotion. Life is full of hard and frustrating things. Plans change. We have to wait. We don’t get things that we really want. Emotional upset is a part of life. It’s inevitable that our kids will experience pain and discomfort. When you teach your kids when they're young how to deal with that emotional upset, you help them learn healthy coping strategies so that they can be emotionally healthy in the long term.Insecure Attachment. The truth is, kids shouldn’t be in charge, and they don’t even actually want to be. When you move into a more permissive, horizontal attachment style of parenting, it creates insecurity for your child. When kids are insecure, they may be defiant, hyperactive, stubborn, or obsessive. They might gang up on you or fall into people-pleasing. These are all examples of maladaptive coping strategies. Instead, we want to create a secure, strong, trustworthy attachment where kids know that there is an adult in the room who has their best interest in mind. Who knows and understands more than they do. Who can be trusted. More Conflict If your child doesn't know whether you're going to be permissive or not, whether you're going to give in or change your mind, they will stay in negotiation longer because the boundary does not appear as firm. The truth is that we’re all permissive sometimes. We all give in. Don’t judge yourself. Just be aware of why you’re doing it. And if you find yourself in a pattern of permissiveness, recognize that you’re not helping your

To have a stress-free summer (or at least something close to it), you’ve got to create the right mindset.  And that’s exactly what I’m teaching you to do in this encore episode of the Become A Calm Mama podcast. You’ll Learn:How to design an ideal summer dayHow to create your summer bucket list5 new thoughts to practice this summerHow to shift out of a grumpy mood This can be the summer that you feel good, actually enjoy the extra time with your kids and create some incredible memories.------------------------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

What decides the direction of your family? Today starts a two-part series on defining your family values and how you can make decisions based on the things that are most important to you. You’ll Learn:How my husband responded when I asked him (out of the blue) about his biggest personal valueHow to figure out your family’s core valuesSome of our family values and what they look like in real lifeAn example of a simply family value statementThe goal with this exercise is to find 5-8 core values that you’ll share as a family and as a couple in your parenting. 🎁As a special gift to my listeners, I’m also giving you a FREE Defining Your Family Values worksheet. Click here to get yours now.---------------------------------------------Parenting can be really, really confusing. Maybe you’ve wondered…What am I supposed to do here? Do I let my kid go to this birthday party? Do I let them quit the sports team? Do I let them not go to our religious service? Do I let them blow off steam by swearing?These are hard questions to figure out, and it’s easy to find yourself making decisions based on what your kids want, how you feel in the moment, or how your children feel in the moment. Your family values can serve as a guide when you’re answering the tough questions of parenting. You can look at your values and decide…Is this aligned with the things that are important to us? Is this decision going to help us get our kids closer to our values and where we wanna take our family? Or is this decision going to undermine our family values? Defining Family ValuesValues are defined as a person's principles or standards of behavior. So, you're figuring out what is important to you, how you want to show up and act in the world, and then putting words to those values.This is a very simple thing, AND it requires a lot of thinking and self-reflection. If you don’t have the capacity to dive into this right now, that’s okay. Come back to it when you’re ready. Some times that I feel are natural times to talk about values are:The beginning of a new calendar yearThe beginning of the school yearAround a birthdayAround a day of grievingReligious holidaysThe change of seasons can also be an invitation to look at your intentions for the coming season, how you want to show up, and what you want your kids to work on. How To Define Your Values as a FamilyThe goal with this exercise is to find 5-8 core values that you’ll share as a family and as a couple in your parenting.  Start with yourself. Before you think about your family as a whole, look at your life as an individual. What is important for you as a person? Looking at what's important to you and what bothers you about other people or yourself is going to be a big clue about what you value as a person. When you get angry about a behavior, what value is that rubbing up against?I give you a ton of examples to get you started in the free Family Values worksheet.  Discuss values with your co-parent (if you have one). Encourage them to do their own individual reflection, and then come together to talk about it. Take turns talking about your values and asking each other questions about what that means to the other person and how it shows up for them. Identify shared themes. As you talk, look for some values or themes that you have in common.  Define the values you chose. This is where you make the idea of your values a little more concrete. Let’s say one of your family values is kindness. What will that look like in your home and your family in a practical sense? For example, in our home kindness means speaking gently (even when we’re upset), offering help without being asked, saying “please” and “thank you”, apologizing and forgiving.  Create a family values statement. This piece is optional, and it can be simple. Turn your core values into a very short paragraph that weaves your values into a shared vision or commitment. You can display it in your home to remind you of your values as you move through the day. Call a little family meeting and share the core values with your kids. We used to talk about it as “this is what it means to be a Childress.”  Revisit your values regularly. Come back to your value statement every 4-6 months. Are you on track? Where are there gaps? What do you want to add more of? Have any of your values shifted? Living Your ValuesValues aren’t something that you figure out once and then do perfectly. We’re all still learning and evolving - especially our kids.So what happens when your child does something that doesn’t align with your values? It’s going to feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t mean they’re a jerk or that something is wrong with them. They are demonstrating immaturity and emotional dysregulation. This is just showing you an area where they still need to grow. There’s a gap between where yo

My son recently sent me a text with a big question about how to live an intentional life. As moms, we’re all trying to figure out how to make the most of this experience. How to balance  all of the different stressors and demands while also enjoying the process. You’ll Learn:The big question my son asked me (and what I told him)Some of the goals and feelings I’ve chased over the years.How to figure out what you want (so you can actually get it)Why you may not be following through on what you want (and how to overcome those hurdles)The time I got jealous and climbed Half DomeIn this episode I’m sharing his question, my response, and how to embrace intentional living and motherhood.----------------------------------------The Big QuestionThis is the text I received at 2:11 am…Hey. This is a pretty random text, but I've been really wondering - How do you live every day to its fullest without wishing you had done something? In life, we only get to live every day once, and I can't seem to grasp how to make each day the best it could be, because regardless of what I do, there's always some alternative thing I could think of that I should have done. I really just wanna make the most of my college years, because they're flying by. Before I know it, I'm gonna be 21… As someone who's lived through college and has a pretty fulfilling life, it seems to me, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this. ..It also just seems so hard to stay rooted living in the present and feeling gratitude for what you have.Wow. I’ve talked to a few moms about this same thing recently. There are so many things that we feel like we should do, but yet we might be missing out on the richness of the moment and living life to the fullest. The key to making the most of each day is intention - understanding what you want, how to get it, and bringing yourself back to the present moment over and over again. Intentional LivingThere are four ways I’ve cultivated more intention in my own life. These are all things you can do right now to start feeling better about the way you spend your days. Work toward a goal. To me, living intentionally means having really specific goals. When I have a goal, it gives me clarity about what I'm supposed to be doing each day. I like to know what I want and where I'm going. I’ve noticed that if I don't know what I'm working toward in my life, I end up in a restless no man's (or no woman's) land, this mindless haze of nothingness. Some of my goals over the years have been to be a really present and loving mother. To have a good marriage. To have a strong body. A beautiful home. A meaningful career. To make money. To travel. To have good friends. To be honest with myself and others. To be helpful to others. To grow as a person - especially in feeling less insecure. To have fun. Having a goal, meaning, and purpose helps me to structure my days. You don’t need to think of yourself as a super ambitious person (I’m not). Intention doesn’t have to be big. But it requires that you look at what you want, and how you can make it happen. And sometimes you have to ask yourself really hard questions to figure it out. Chase a feeling. In addition to my goals, I’m also really intentional about how I want to feel in my life. The most common feelings that I chase are joy, fun, and lightness (though I love seriousness, too). For a long time, I had a lot of anxiety, so I was chasing calm. Now, from that calm place, I want to feel joy. I also want to feel proud of myself and my work. I want to feel grateful. So I work a lot on my mindset - practicing thoughts that make me feel these things. Maybe the feeling you're chasing is peace, purpose, achievement, quiet, power, or knowledge. It can be whatever it is at this time in your life. Notice when you get off track. If you’re not doing the work that is taking you toward your goal. If you’re not feeling the way that you want to feel, catch yourself. Stop, reflect, and ask yourself, “Why am I sabotaging my own goals?”As I talk about in the Hierarchy of Healing series, judging yourself or beating yourself up about this will not help you make progress toward your goals. Instead, be loving, gentle, and curious with yourself. Look at your actions, your results, and gently ask yourself what’s going on.You might notice some patterns here. Here are some of the reasons I’ve found for not doing what I say I’m going to do (and how to overcome them):Boredom. Bring in some fun. For example, if you’re avoiding a hard conversation in your marriage and realize you’re bored with the situation, plan a fun night at home or a project you can do together while you talk. Insecurity. Work on your self esteem by finding positive things about yourself that you already know are true. Pump yourself up a little bit!Jealousy. If you’re thinking, “Everyone else has what I want, and I can’t get it,” as

Today, I've invited my friend and fellow coach, Jennifer Delliquadri, to come talk with me about midlife, post-motherhood, and being a woman at this time in our lives. You’ll Learn:Why it’s natural for transformation to be messyTimes when Jennifer and I have experienced dissatisfaction in our own lives, and some of the shifts we madePandemic challenges we’re still working through when it comes to community and friendshipsTwo ways to get in touch with what you truly want in your life (that you can start right now)Often, when you feel dissatisfied with something in your life, that first step looks like saying, “I don’t know what it’s gonna look like yet, but I need to find a different way.”------------------------------------------Jennifer is a life coach who has worked primarily with teens and her parents, but she has has recently shifted into coaching women in midlife. The change was driven by her own “midlife wake-up call” and the method that she has used to transform her identity at different stages of life. She is also a mom of 2 and the host of the Subtle Shifts podcast. What Even is Midlife? For many of us, this shift away from day-to-day parenting into more of a consulting role with our kids marks that transition to midlife. I am currently in a stage of life where I’ve pretty much retired from parenting. I’ve raised my kids. They are no longer living at home. I’m not thinking about what they’re going to eat or doing their laundry. These days, I’m pretty free, and my kids are doing pretty well. There’s a lot of open-ended excitement, but it’s also a bit overwhelming. Jennifer talks about why this happens. “For so long, we haven't had that freedom. And so it can feel unsettling, like something must be wrong if I have so much time or I'm not used to having this time, and I don't know what to do with it.”I have also noticed that there is a gap in models. You may not really have a concept of what it looks like to be a woman post-child rearing and pre-grandmothering. Most of our models of womanhood revolve around caregiving. So if we see caregiving as our role and purpose, and then we don’t have anyone to care for, what value do we have to give?Maybe you carved out all this time for other people, and now that it’s just you, you feel a little lost. If you’re feeling isolated, maybe thinking that you’re missing something or have done something wrong, know that you are not alone. There are so many of us who feel this way. Going Into the CocconJennifer shared a story about her own midlife confusion. She says, “there was a point where I was on vacation - I was in Hawaii with my family, and, you know, it's beautiful. And I was getting ready to turn 50 and, like, excited about that and proud about that. But at the same time, I have this kind of feeling like, ‘what the fuck?’” She was postmenopausal, her body didn’t feel like her body anymore, and she just generally didn’t feel like herself. She felt like there was nothing to look forward to or be excited about anymore. And with her kids getting older, she was just going to fade away.She had everything she ever wanted in her life - a husband she loves, great kids, a business she enjoys and is proud of. She was on a trip in a beautiful place, and she still felt like shit. She says, “I could hear things that people say like, ‘Oh, this is where the magic begins,’ or, ‘This is when you finally have time to focus on yourself.’ But I'm like, I don't even know what that means for me. What do you mean focus on myself?”She decided to take action, starting with dialing in her nutrition and exercise. She started going to therapy. Finding areas where she was dissatisfied and taking actions to work on them.  Eventually, the cloud started to lift, and she started to feel optimistic for the first time in years. She started to feel like herself again. To feel excited and not so heavy about everything. She realized, “What I'm here for is beyond what I am doing. What I have to share is way beyond what I am sharing.”Jennifer likes to call this “going in the cocoon." She says that “this is where the chaos happens,” because you’re unsettled. You’re uncomfortable and trying different things, but nothing is really changing (yet). Transformation isn’t something that feels soft and lovely. It takes time.I love this concept of metamorphosis. When a caterpillar goes into a chrysalis, it doesn’t just shift directly into a butterfly. It dissolves and breaks down into this goop before the cells can be rebuilt into something new. And this is true for transformations in our lives, too.There are periods in our lives - when you become a partner or wife, when you become a mother, when you change careers, when a parent dies - that you lose a piece of your identity and build a new identity. And it can get pretty messy. Often, when you feel dissatisfied with something in your life, that first step looks like sayin

If you have kids under the age of 7, you’re going to love this episode! I’ve invited Kelsey Cook, founder of Learning with Kelsey, to share easy ways to entertain little kids. You’ll Learn:Why you don’t have to be involved in everything your kid doesHow to feel more playful and fun as a mom 4 ways to encourage play (and make it easy)My hide-and-seek hack for when you need a quiet moment🤫We’re talking about how to get into a playful mentality as a parent and how to entertain your kids in a way that feels easy and good to you.-----------------------------------------These are the kinds of activities you want to have in your toolbox to keep your kids occupied (and happy!) when you’re taking care of a baby, getting up early, making lunches - or when you just need a break.Kelsey Cook is a certified teacher, entrepreneur, mom, and advocate for early childhood learning. With a degree in Early Childhood and Elementary Education, she spent six years teaching before launching Learning with Kelsey, a subscription box company designed to help parents engage their young children in meaningful, hands-on learning. As a mother of four, Kelsey understands the challenges of early education at home and created her boxes to simplify the process while strengthening parent-child connections. Kelsey says, “The years before kindergarten are so hard and so special because you are your kid's teacher. You're with them. But then also you feel this pressure of, ‘how can I get them ready [to start school], because there's nobody else getting them ready?’”What started as a small passion project has grown into a nationwide resource, helping families in all 50 states prepare their children for lifelong learning. Easy Ways to Entertain Little Kids These activities are super fast and easy, and they’re created for KIDS, so it’s not totally necessary for you to be right there doing it with them. As much as they are about engagement and learning for your child, they’re also a coping strategy for you. Parenting little kids is exhausting. It’s very physical and takes a ton of energy.Think about one of those mornings when your kid wakes up early. You still just want a little time to get dressed and have a cup of coffee, but your kiddo needs engagement. They are ready to go! As moms, it’s easy to feel guilt about pretty much everything. Simple activities like the ones Kelsey creates allow your kids to learn while being entertained (without screens), so you don’t have to feel guilty about taking a moment for yourself. It’s a total win-win!One of my favorite ideas Kelsey shared is creating “morning starts” for her kids. These are simple activities that she sets up the night before (in just a couple of minutes) so that they have something to do when they get up in the morning. She recommends using an activity that kids have done before so they can do it independently. Of course, these activities also provide an opportunity to connect with your child when you want to. And connection breeds compliance. Spending that one-on-one time and giving them your attention leads to better behavior. Your kid behaves better when they feel really loved, seen, and supported by you.Plus, they get a little dopamine kick when they succeed at a challenge or solve a problem.Kelsey and I agree that any activity Mom can lead from the couch is a winner! Here are some of our favorites:Freeze Dance - Put on some music and let your kid show off their moves. When the music stops, they freeze in place!Statue - Challenge your kid to pose like statue of different animals or objects that you call outEaster egg hunt (or other objects) - This one does require you to move around for a minute - Hide the eggs and ask your child to find them and bring them back to you one at a timeSing a song, like “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” Set the Stage for PlayIn the world of on-demand entertainment, kids figuring out how to entertain themselves has become a lost art. Kelsey’s activities and boxes teach kids to engage their own brain, creativity, and problem solving. These are activities they can come back to over and over and put their own variations on them.  Include movementWe both hear moms all the time say, “My kid won’t sit still to do an activity.” And it’s not a problem.Kelsey loves including gross motor skills in her monthly activity boxes and calls them “brain breaks”. Some examples for springtime include rolling an Easter egg or hopping like a bunny. For kids who need to move, it can help to do these activities before they sit down for something calmer.She also shares that a 5-10 minute attention span is pretty normal for preschool-age kids. So planning for short activities with movement in between is a great way to keep them engaged. You’ve got to figure out what works for your child and family, so get creative! When Kelsey’s boys were young, instead of sitting at a table to do a sticker activity, they would get the st

Today, I’ve invited occupational therapist Alisha Grogan on the podcast to share simple sensory activities for kids to help them become calmer and more regulated. You’ll Learn:What’s actually happening when you think your kid is manipulating you3 “hidden” senses that we all have The 2 main types of sensory sensitivitiesLOTS of simple strategies you can try to help soothe your child’s senses (including some that we used with our own neurodivergent kids)If you’re parenting a kid who struggles with sensory issues, picky eating, or big feelings, you don’t want to miss this conversation!----------------------------------------------Alisha Grogan is a licensed occupational therapist and founder of Your Kid’s Table. She has over 19 years experience with expertise in sensory processing and feeding development in babies, toddlers, and children. She’s also a mom of three kids between the ages of 10 and 15. She uses her OT background as well as her experience as a mom of ADHD and anxious kiddos to provide resources to parents around sensory processing, picky eating, emotional regulation, and executive functioning. Behavior as CommunicationOne of Alisha’s favorite things to say is, “All behavior is communication.” And if you’ve been in my world for a while, you’re already pretty familiar with this concept. So often, I hear parents say that their child is manipulating them. But in reality, they are trying to communicate an unmet need. They’re trying to manipulate the environment or circumstances to get their needs met, and they’re using the best strategy they have at that time. As parents, we can see this as information, get out of criticism, and look for ways to guide our kids through the overwhelm they’re experiencing.Unfortunately, many of the behaviors that can help kids regulate their nervous systems aren’t considered “acceptable” in our culture and society. Maybe stomping their feet, banging on something, or hiding under a blanket helps them get back into their body and feel more calm, but depending on where they are at the time, these behaviors might not be “allowed”. Neurodivergence in our SocietyAs moms of neurodivergent kids, Alisha and I both see the special gifts our children bring to the world, and have often felt frustrated when others fail to recognize them. I believe that in many cases, the label of “neurodivergence” is based on what works best in our society - with the way we structure time, school, technology, noise, etc. We've created a pretty messy environment that then requires a lot of order as a society to keep it together.But not every kid is built to sit quietly in their seat all day long. And what we'd label “neurodivergent” is actually a very vital and important part of our species that just doesn't quite fit in this society that we've created.Alisha shares that her oldest son has been labeled gifted, while her middle son has ADHD. She says, “This system was created for my oldest son and the way his brain works. And it continues to propel and push him forward while it continues to edge out my son that is creative and spontaneous and has all of these other really wonderful gifts.”It’s easy for parents to feel overwhelmed when their kid gets a diagnosis of ADHD, sensory issues, or autism. It is challenging, but we can also choose to see the beauty of it. These kids aren’t broken. It’s just a mismatch. A missed opportunity in our culture to let those types of brains flourish. But there might be hope on the horizon. Alisha says that she’s seen “some exciting stuff coming out with schools being set up in different ways, like movement based schools and different styles of teaching where kids are just excelling in really exciting ways.” Sensory Inputs & SensitivitiesYou’re probably familiar with the 5 senses we hear about most often - sight, sound, touch, smell, and taste. Alisha shared 3 “hidden” senses that we all have, as well.Propreoception. This is body awareness. When you do things like jump, give or get a hug, lay under a heavy blanket, you’re getting a lot of proprioceptive input. It is also the sense that grounds almost everybody. Vestibular. This is deep in our inner ear. Our movement is perceived by fluid swishing around in combination with what we see visually. If the two aren’t synced up, you get that carsick feeling. This is not typically an issue for young kids, but becomes more common as we get older. This is why kids can spin and spin and spin. And it’s so important for development that they get this kind of stimulation. Alisha says that, according to research, kids who don’t process vestibular input correctly can actually have reading difficulties down the line. Interoception. This is the sense of all of our internal sensations - think hunger, fullness, or tightness or lightness in your chest when you’re feeling anxious or joyful. These physical body sensations send a message to y

Jill and Mary of Girls Mentorship are back! We’re continuing our conversation and talking about specific tools and strategies for supporting and raising teen and tween girls. (If you missed part 1, be sure to check it out.) And even though Jill and Mary focus their work on girls, these are great tips no matter the gender of your child.You’ll Learn:The pitfalls of labeling all negative interactions as "bullying"Times when your daughter might need extra support4 tips for raising teen & tween girlsSimple talking points for digital safety & responsibilityJoin us as we dive into which situations might require a little extra support for your daughter, strategies for supporting your teen or tween girl, and other resources that can help.-----------------------------------------Why Parents Seek Support A lot of people are resistant to needing help outside of the household. It truly takes a village, and it is okay to have a community of people to raise your children. It doesn't need to be one person at a time, and getting support doesn't say anything negative about your parenting. In fact, seeking out services shows that you care about your child’s wellbeing and success - not just on paper, but in life. It’s normal to notice changes in your kid in the teen and tween years. They’re going to spend more time in their room. They might roll their eyes or slam the door a little more. These things are somewhat expected. So how do you know when you and your daughter might need a little extra help?Jill says that transitional periods are often when parents seek out their coaching and mentoring services. For example, the jump from elementary to middle school or middle school to high school. During these times, parents often want to make sure their kids have the skills to handle themselves in these new environments. And Mary adds that these transitions are even more challenging when there’s friend drama involved (also super common at this age). We’re talking cattiness, gossip, backstabbing, being left out, etc. She says, “As parents, we expect our kids to understand how to navigate social situations or what to do at certain chapters of their life, and that's simply not true. We have to be able to teach them these things for them to be able to understand and know them. On the other side of that, we have to give them space to practice and not jump in to try to solve.”A certain amount of conflict is a normal part of life. Arguments with friends, make-ups, break-ups, and even name-calling are a part of growing up. These situations give our kids a chance to learn how to work through conflict in a healthy way. Finally, parents seek out Mary and Jill’s support when they are in an emergency situation - their child is severely depressed, maybe even having suicidal ideations - and nothing else has worked. Friendship issues, disordered eating, conflict, isolation, or pulling back from activities they used to love are all issues that Mary and Jill see a lot of in their coaching practice and programs. Their ultimate goal? To help girls become the brightest, most authentic versions of themselves.  Tips for Raising Teen & Tween GirlsThings like self-awareness, conflict resolution, and emotional health are all skills that can be learned. And learning them at a young age sets girls up for better experiences now and as an adult.In our society, we’ve lost places where kids are mentored and get the opportunity to learn and practice these skills. Schools are not equipped to do this work (nor should they). There’s not room for all of the emotional parts and needs of our kids. Organizations like Girls Mentorship help to fill that gap by teaching these valuable life skills to girls and their parents. Mary says that they start every program with self-awareness and the power of perspective. Here are a few of their favorite tools and strategies. Do a Temp CheckMary and Jill have every participant in their programs do a temp check when they arrive. Basically, on a scale of 1 to 5, how are they feeling when they walk in the room? 1 is pretty lousy, 5 is ready to go! This gives the kids better self-awareness of how they’re feeling and allows the adult to acknowledge how they’re feeling, talk to them about it, and ask them what they need. Then, at the end of the session or activity, they do a check-out on the same scale. Are they feeling better than when they walked in? Why or why not?Mary says, “It's just that simple acknowledgment. It's being seen, heard, loved, and valued for how we're feeling in the moment,” that our kids don’t often get as they’re busy moving from one class or activity to another. Practicing this teaches kids to check in with themselves and recognize how they’re feeling and whether they’re showing up as their best selves. Try it when your kid leaves for school in the morning and comes back home. Or when they get home and again before the

Why do women in mid-life give less f*cks? It's all about the estrogen crash. On this episode Darlynn and her friend Jennifer Delliquadri talk all about how estrogen plays a role in why moms are biologically wired to worry about their kids and the profound shift that happens when our estrogen crashes.Plus, you'll hear how Darlynn spiraled deep into a "I'm not good enough" self-worth crisis and how she used Radical Self Love to get herself out.

Today on the podcast, I’m joined by Jill and Mary, founders of Girls Mentorship. We’re diving into what teen and tween girls need and what they’re going through at this stage of life. You’ll Learn:What makes teen & tween girls so awesome!Benefits and pitfalls of greater emotional awareness in this generation of kidsHow small shifts can make a big difference in identity and self-esteem5 ways to support the tween or teen girls in your lifeListen in for tools to start helping your teen or tween daughter with her confidence, self-esteem, and emotional health.--------------------------------------Today on the podcast, I’m joined by Jill and Mary, founders of Girls Mentorship. We had so much to talk about, we had to make it two episodes so you could get ALL the goodness out of our conversation. In this episode, we’re diving into what teen and tween girls need and what they’re going through at this stage of life. Next week, you’ll learn what you, as a parent, can do to support them.Jill and Mary are the founders of Girls Mentorship. They say, “Everywhere we looked, we saw girls struggling—grappling with confidence issues, battling negative self-talk, wrestling with poor self-image, and navigating the tricky waters of anxiety and depression. It hit close to home. Hadn’t we been in those exact same shoes 20 years ago?” Girls were STILL missing the vital tools to rise about these challenges. So Jill and Mary decided to become the guides they wished they’d had - offering young girls the skills and support to build confidence, resilience, and self-worth. They now teach life and personal development skills to tween and teen girls so that they can become the brightest, most authentic versions of themselves.Life As A Tween GirlWith all the conversation about kids and anxiety and how much girls are struggling, it’s easy to forget about the beauty of this age. Mary shares that girls this age speak their mind. They’re curious. They make you question things, and you get to learn from their questions, too. They’re experiencing all the firsts, and it’s really fun to walk that path with them and see their eyes get really big when they understand a concept for the first time or realize that they're not alone in what they're struggling with.Jill says they’re also hilarious, creative, and talented. They have access to so much information that if they’re curious about something, they will just go and seek it out. And with a lot more awareness of mental health in today’s culture, these girls are genuinely curious about it. When they experience anxiety or other feelings, they now have words to articulate and express themselves, which leads to really rich conversations.  Mary says that when you’re talking about girls ages 10 through the teen years, the distinction between tween and teen isn’t all that big. She says, “the conversation doesn't really change much, neither does what the girls in particular are struggling with.” The differences come up in their maturity level, experiences, and what topics they’ve been exposed to.  Challenges for ParentsNo matter how old your kids are, you know that each stage comes with it’s own unique challenges. Two that we see come up most often are generational differences in the ways we talk about and deal with emotions and how the way we define success for ourselves can trickle down to our kids…whether we want it to or not. Expressing Emotion - The Generation GapWe all agree that we’ve seen a shift in the way people express emotions from our parents’ generations to now. Gen X parents wanted to act like everything was fine. Stuff the feelings down, and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Now the pendulum has swung toward being very open and honest in expressing our feelings. But we can see with our kids how this sometimes goes a little too far and becomes hurtful. We don’t want our kids to get stuck on the labels of being anxious or depressed. When they identify too closely with these, it can actually hold them back. I’ve even noticed what I think of as pathologizing adolescence. We take these normal, hard things that adolescents go through around their identity and try to diagnose the problem. Kids aren’t necessarily experiencing more pain these days. They are just expressing it more because we’re allowing them to. When I was an adolescent, I was in so much pain, and I didn't have anywhere to put it. So I developed my own negative coping strategies. Our kids now are more able to talk about their feelings, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily know what to do with them.  Defining SuccessAt some point along the line, our culture decided that the way children behave and perform is a direct result of parenting. So, as parents, we feel like we need to check certain boxes and see certain outcomes from our kids in order to show that we’re doing a good job. Extracurriculars, good grades, cute outfits, nice manners…

Today, I've invited Jessica Koosed Etting onto the podcast for a conversation about family life, the mental load on moms, and how we can make things a little bit simpler and easier. You’ll Learn:Why motherhood feels so overwhelming (it’s not just you!)Why your own parents might not be able to relate to your mental loadHow to reduce your mental load, involve your family, and feel more calmWhile perfection is impossible, there are ways to be more proactive and organized, so that we feel a little less pressure, stress, and overwhelm.---------------------------------------------Jessica Koosed Etting is the co-founder and CEO of Jam, a pioneering family calendar app designed to dismantle mental load and make family life more efficient and equitable. She’s also a mom of 3 boys, ages 10-14.  The Mental Load on MomsYou know the scenario… You drive your kid to soccer (or whatever activity you’re going to) and get there only to realize they’re missing some important piece of gear or equipment. You get frustrated with yourself, your partner, or your kid, and you dump your emotions on them (i.e. yelling, arguing, blaming). Then, you get out of the car and pretend like everything’s fine, even though you know it was just a total shitshow. There’s this bit of shame or embarrassment that you forgot something, that you made a mistake. As moms, there is a LOT coming at us - appointments, kids’ activities, assignments, shopping lists, to-dos, and all the expectations that come with them.In the digital age of parenting, information comes at you constantly from a ton of different sources. You’re getting emails (maybe from multiple schools), notifications from WhatsApp or other group messaging apps, text messages, and trying to keep it all straight. And because people are so connected, plans can be changed very quickly (and often!).It’s easy to look around and think that something’s wrong with you because you can’t seem to hold it all together. But it’s not just you. You’re not going crazy, and you’re not just a hot mess. Motherhood is overwhelming. Information keeps coming at us, faster than we can process it. And we put so much pressure on ourselves to get it all right, all the time (aka perfectionism). In case you aren’t familiar with the term mental load, it’s basically that ticker tape that’s constantly running through your head. It’s all the schedules, to-do lists, the things that everybody needs. The “what’s next?” that never seems to end. You’re carrying all the things that keep your family running inside your own brain.Jessica shares that, according to research, moms typically carry 90% more of this mental load than their male partners. It takes its toll, leading to stress, anxiety, depression, and burnout. And it affects our relationships, too. You can’t be truly present with your kids, partner, or friends when your brain is constantly working. It’s like you can never turn it off and recharge. Plus, when you’re feeling stressed and anxious, you’re more likely to snap at the people you love. In short, you get dysregulated. You can’t find that calm, connected place. Simplifying Family LifeAs we talk about strategies to manage complex family life, keep in mind that a little grace and compassion for yourself goes a really long way, too.While perfection is impossible, there are ways to be more proactive and organized, so that we feel a little less of that pressure, stress, and overwhelm.Jessica and her sister, Amanda, created the Jam app to help with managing the mental load in a few ways: Take the information out of your brainKeeping track of everything in your brain is a sure-fire way to feel like a failure.Jessica tells us how she used to lay down in bed at night and immediately start running through all the things that had to happen the next day. Sound familiar? In an attempt to calm her mind, she’d grab her phone and email herself reminders. But then she woke up the next morning to a series of emails that no longer made sense. Sure, you can remember that there’s a dance recital Friday night, but what about all the little things that need to happen in order to be ready for it? You need a reliable place to store information and details. Create space to relaxWhen you’re trying to remember it all, you can get into a constant state of vigilance. It becomes a habit of stress and makes it nearly impossible for you to relax.When you have a place to put that information, you can start to shift the stress habit by reminding yourself, “Yes, I already thought about this. I know where it is. I won’t forget.” You’re more able to relax in the present because you’ve got the future handled. As you practice this, you’ll learn to trust yourself more. Share the loadWhile creating Jam, Jessica and her sister also talked to a lot of husbands and male partners. And they learned that they’re not happy with the way things are going, ei

Over the past 5 weeks, I’ve walked you through the hierarchy of healing and how to go through the phases of healing I call radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, listening, and acceptance. Today, we finish the series with radical action - the part where we DO the things that actually improve our lives and create the lives that we want.You’ll Learn:How to hold both contentment and a desire for changeThe 3 types of action (and which is best)How to chase the glimmers in your lifeA surefire way to know if you’re taking the right actions5 enemies of aligned radical action and how to overcome themRadical action doesn’t have to be big. In fact, sometimes a lot of the big actions in life start with really small changes. In this episode, I’ll show you how to figure out what you ought to be doing and how to overcome the obstacles that come up along the way. ----------------------------------------------I also want you to keep in mind that any action you take must be rooted in radical self-love. This isn’t meant to be some giant checklist you now have to do. If all you ever do is learn to fall deeper and deeper in love with yourself, you have already won.  Taking Radical ActionRadical action is about making a commitment to changing an area of your life where you are not satisfied. This typically happens in three areas:Your relationship with yourselfYour relationship with othersYour relationship with the outside worldThe first part of action is simply committing to the change you want. Then, you decide which actions will support your goal and commit to those, as well. Let’s take a closer look at these 3 relationships.Your relationship with yourself. This includes your mental health and the way you talk to yourself. It is internal. If you're feeling anxious, depressed, directionless, or trapped and you don't have contentment, then this is something that you might want to work on.You might decide that you want to improve your mental health, experience more meaning or purpose in your life, or commit to your own peace and contentment. Your relationships with others. Maybe your marriage isn't working, or the way you're parenting your kids isn't working. Maybe you have some toxic friendships or some family conflicts. Your goal might be something like, “I want to have a happy marriage,” “I want to be a more calm parent,” or “I am committed to setting better boundaries with my in-laws.”Your relationship with the outside world. This includes how you contribute to the world and how you feel in the world. This can also encompass your relationship with time, money, your environment, etc. If your home is messy, cluttered, and it’s driving you crazy, let’s take radical action to make your home function better for you. If you are constantly stressed and overwhelmed about money, you can commit to finding peace around your finances and managing your money in a healthy way.  Step 1: Define the change you wantWe can’t create the lives we want unless we know what we want, right? So the first step is to make a decision about what change you want to create. If you’re having trouble with this, try flipping your current state around. Here are a couple of examples:“I feel dissatisfied in my life,” becomes, “I am committed to figuring out what brings me joy and doing more of those things.”“I’m tired of being taken advantage of,” becomes, “I am going to work on my boundaries.” Step 2: Commit to your actionsYou might not know all of your action steps right away, and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you know what you’re chasing. The way you’re feeling right now is the symptom. Identify it and look for the root cause. What is causing this problem? When you understand the root cause, solutions will start to appear. The most important thing to remember is to take these actions not from a place of scarcity, insecurity, fear, or overwhelm, but from a place of confidence and belief that you can get what you want.Then, list out the action that you are committed to take. For instance…I will do things that bring me joy.I will speak kindly to myself.I will do mindset exercises. The Tension of Contentment & GrowthYou’ll probably find some areas of your life where things are okay, pretty good, but you believe that they could be better. That’s totally normal.The truth is that everything probably is pretty good. You have a home, children, warm clothing. You’ve probably had something tasty to eat or drink recently. Look for evidence that most things are okay. As you stay rooted in love and trust, look at an area that you want to change and realize that you can have things in your life that you’re unhappy about AND ALSO your life can be perfectly fine. There is no emergency here. It is possible to feel deep contentment in your life and know that there is even more contentment available to you. More peace, more jo

When we set out to create positive change and healing in our lives, those actions must come from a place of love and trust in ourselves. The key is practicing radical acceptance of ourselves and our circumstances. In this episode, you’ll learn:Why we struggle to accept realityThe truth about acceptance and taking actionReal life examples of challenging circumstances and how we can be more accepting of them4 steps to practice radical acceptanceThe faster you can accept the hard things in life as reality, the faster you will be able to get into action and take the next right step.-------------------------------------------As you move through your healing journey, you may have experienced times when you made a decision to change something in your life. You made a checklist or a set of rules to follow, but then you didn’t end up making as much progress as you wanted. You thought you just must not be good at healing or taking control of your life, so you gave up.Often, this happens because your actions are rooted in shame, guilt, buffering, or trying to avoid pain. To make positive change, you have to come from a positive place. This starts with our previous steps of radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, and listening. The next step in the hierarchy of healing is to accept where you are, accept your current circumstances.  Radical AcceptanceAcceptance is the idea that you are okay with what’s happening in the present moment. You don’t need to judge the moment or your behavior. It’s saying, “This is the way things are right now and that's okay.”We’re often afraid to fully accept our circumstances because we think that if we’re okay with how things are, it implies that we don’t care. That we’re powerless, defeated, and we’ll never take action to improve or grow.But the opposite is true. Acceptance is not about excusing yourself from responsibility or giving up. In fact, the faster you accept your current reality, the easier it will be for your nervous system to calm down and to problem solve. It will be easier for you to show compassion to yourself and get into action.It reminds me of the Buddhist saying that “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”There are facts, and there are our interpretations of the facts. Often, it’s what we make things mean that hurts us the most. And it is entirely unnecessary. Imagine that you’re sitting in horrible traffic. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to be sitting there waiting for so long. But when you become frustrated, angry, and try to resist it, that’s where suffering comes in. You are adding more pain to the moment. Instead, you can choose to accept that there is always a lot of traffic on that particular road, you plan for it, and take different actions (e.g. driving a different route or leaving earlier). When we struggle because we believe something should be different from how it is, we’re fighting reality. When we resist our feelings, ourselves, and our experience, we create suffering.Acceptance is going with the flow, and it’s what you see in people that seem to be at peace, even when things are chaotic.  Accepting Other People’s BehaviorRadical acceptance applies to other people’s behavior, as well. Maybe your spouse or partner committed to doing something and didn’t follow through. Or your kids are misbehaving. You can choose to accept that they are acting the way they’re acting. Of course, as parents, we also have a responsibility to teach our kids better ways to behave, manage their feelings, get their needs met, and demonstrate their emotions. So, we do have to take action (more on that next week). For example, you’re going through the bedtime routine with your child, and they start kicking and screaming. Try thinking something like, “Okay, this kid is having a big feeling cycle. I thought we were going to bed, but now here we are. This is hard. I didn’t anticipate this (Soothe yourself a little bit). Well, what’s next?”It’s an exercise, a practice:Look at the situationNarrate it as true and factualAccept itDecide whether you need to take action or notThe faster that you get to the point of accepting what is happening right now, the faster you can give yourself some compassion and figure out the next right thing.  Challenges to AcceptanceLack of Self-Trust. For many years, I had a lot of trouble when plans changed because I felt out of control. I felt like all my planning and work was for nothing. I would then get defensive. I would blame. I would get frustrated.The reason this was so hard for me was that I didn’t trust myself to be able to handle what was going on if I hadn’t anticipated and planned for it in advance. That’s why it’s so important to start with a foundation of self-love and self-trust as you begin to heal. Comparison. Another challenge to acceptance is comparison. When we don’t feel comfortable within ourselves, we look to the world or ou

My healing journey began as a 19 year old, wandering drunk and alone on a beach in San Felipe, Mexico. This is the story of my first attempt at healing and what I learned early on.

Welcome to part 4 of the How To Heal series. In this episode about radical listening, you’ll learn strategies for listening more carefully and trusting your intuition and inner wisdom so that you can build a better relationship with your core self.You’ll Learn:How to practice radical listening with compassion The 4 parts within you that you are listening toExamples of patterns that might not be serving you5 steps to radical listening and a deeper understanding of yourselfThe closer you move to your authentic, core self, the more content you will feel. This truest version of you feels peace no matter what is happening. -------------------------------------Healing is really about wanting to feel better. To feel freedom, joy, gratitude, peace, safety, and calm. To be kinder to yourself, become a good friend to yourself, notice your patterns, and make small changes to influence them. Those are our goals here.As my mentor, Martha Beck, says, “Your true nature, the part of you that always remembers what it is meant to be and never stops trying to be what it is, no matter what happens to her. Your birthright is to feel peace and joy and gratitude and love. And in your core, you carry all of that.” Radical ListeningThe goal of radical listening is to find your inner guidance to move away from the patterns that you've created to protect you from pain and toward new patterns that help you get what you actually want. We all have patterns in ways that we think, feel, and act. We need to look at them and ask ourselves where they’re coming from. Are you trying to avoid pain? Are these patterns protecting you, or are they sabotaging you because you don’t think you’re worthy of feeling freedom, love, peace, and joy? The statements we’re working with as we learn to radically listen are:I will listen to my needs and wants and see those as valid and important.I will listen to my intuition and trust my inner wisdom. Who Are You Listening To?When you practice radical listening, you are having a conversation with yourself. But who are you talking to? In his book No Bad Parts, Richard Schwartz outlines four parts that live within each of us: Your Inner ChildYou may have wounds or patterns that you developed in childhood. These were really important to you as a kid, but they might not be necessary now. These wounds are often based on attachment or authenticity. Perhaps you were conditioned in childhood to believe that you don’t matter or that your needs aren’t important. Or your need for security and attachment wasn’t met, so you didn’t feel safe. You may have been told all sorts of negative things about yourself. Or you were taught that you had to look or perform a certain way in order to be loved, valued, and accepted. For example, I grew up in a household where it often felt like there wasn’t a grown up. As a result, I developed patterns of hypervigilance, overthinking, overplanning, overstructuring, and then getting easily dysregulated when things weren't going to my plan. Now that I am the adult, I’ve had to teach myself (and my inner child) that I am safe. The grown-ups are here.Were you taught that your value depended on your grades, performance in sports, or how nice you were? Did you hear that you were dumb, ugly, mean, selfish, lazy, rude, or a problem? What messages did you hear in childhood that you might still be acting out today? Maybe it’s time to look at those messages and examine them. Where’s the evidence?  Your PainOur wounds and patterns can also come from culture - religion, materialism or consumerism, racism, or other social problems that make it hard for us to feel safe, free, and loved. When you start to look more closely at your patterns, you might see that they are your protectors. They’re there to prevent pain. To keep you safe and stable. But these protectors are in what I call “fix it” energy. These patterns are trying to manage the narrative, manage the moment, and perform. On the other side of the coin, we have patterns with “fuck it” energy. This often happens when we get overwhelmed. You say, “Fuck it. I don’t care anymore,” and you sabotage all the work that you’ve done.  Your Essential SelfThis is where it gets good! You have a bunch of dreams and goals and wishes, and they need to be heard.There are beautiful seeds inside your core self that want to be expressed and shown - things that make you super happy, ways that you feel joy, ways that you feel purpose, ways that you feel love and express love. You already have all of that in you. What you want to start doing is listening to your core self and figuring out how she can feel more safe to express those parts of her.Sometimes, a seed can get buried too deep, so it doesn’t receive the light that it needs to sprout and grow. So a part of listening to those dreams and goals that we’ve buried is figuring out how to bring them into the

In this third installment of the How to Heal series, I’m talking about radical honesty - why it’s important, what happens when we’re not honest with ourselves, and how to get more honest.You’ll Learn:What it means to be radically honest Why it’s so hard for us to be honest with ourselvesSigns that you might have some healing to do4 strategies to increase your self-awareness and honestyYou can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. Listen to learn how.---------------------------------In this healing process, we’re trying to tap into our most pure state of being, where we have a deep sense of peace and wholeness so that we can be okay no matter what is happening around us.  Why Honesty MattersYou can't heal from anything until you’re aware of what it is that is causing you pain. Often, we are unwilling to look at our patterns and our pain because it creates a discomfort in us that we don't know if we can handle. But the truth is, what you resist persists. If you resist your pain, it will stay. Being willing to really look at ugly, hard, difficult things about ourselves and our lives requires us to be radically honest with ourselves. Ultimately, you’re healing yourself so that you don’t harm your kids. Because, in full love and safety, yelling at your kid, shutting down, or being rough with their body hurts them. I want your children to grow up and not have to heal from childhood wounds.Now, everyone is gonna get hurt in childhood. In life, pain is inevitable. It's how we deal with pain, how we talk about pain, and how honest we are that actually creates the healing in real time.When you start to get honest with yourself, you’ll probably start to notice some clues.Thinking negatively and critically of yourself…Feeling despair, discontentment, discomfort, anger, resentment, confusion, or lack of clarity …Behaving in ways that hurt you or others (like your kids)...These are all really good indicators that you might have something to heal from. Why Honesty Is So HardI think of radical honesty as being willing to admit how you are thinking, feeling, and acting - even when it’s uncomfortable. Being honest about your pain is the key to healing your pain. So, if honesty is so important, why aren’t we honest with ourselves and each other about our pain?We often don’t even realize how cruel we’re being to ourselves with our thoughts, we don’t understand why we’re feeling or acting the way we are. We also live in a society that tells us we should be happy all the time (good vibes only😒). And we’ve taken a lovely thing like gratitude and weaponized it as a way to bypass negative emotion. Maybe you feel ashamed if things aren’t going well - embarrassed because you think you should have it all together.Sometimes, we’re scared to get honest about what we’re really thinking and feeling, especially if they’re negative thoughts about our kids or our life. We’re afraid that if we have a problem, we won’t be able to fix it - and we also won’t be able to ignore it anymore.And what I see more than anything is that most people are simply unaware. They’re just not paying attention. They're going through life a little bit unhappy, a little bit dissatisfied. It’s all just kinda meh. Sometimes it all feels too big to deal with, so we avoid feeling the pain by shutting off awareness. Pushing the pain away actually blocks you from getting a life filled with hope, healing, love, joy, peace, and all the things we want. You can’t heal something unless you take a look at it. Think about if your kid has a physical wound, like road rash. They are so afraid for you to get in there to look at it. They’re holding on so tight. Even though the pain of the wound already happened, they’re almost more afraid to have it cleaned and taken care of. The same is true of emotional wounds. Even though the initial trauma has passed, there is fear around examining it. Before you can fix any problem, you have to narrate what it is and acknowledge it. Radical honesty means that you get to be really honest about how you think, feel, and act. And when you look at those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you don’t have to judge them. Instead, you can love yourself and be compassionate. Understand that that’s unresolved pain talking, whether it’s fresh or from years and years ago. Patterns to Look ForFirst, I want to let you know that if you notice any of these patterns in yourself, it’s okay. You’re human, and this stuff is hard. Our goal is not to judge, but to notice and make gentle shifts toward healthier responses.Here are some common signs that you have some healing to do.Difficulty feeling good about yourself. You might feel purposeless, like you're a bad parent, or notice yourself being defensive or trying to prove your worthiness. Some clues might be that you find your

This is part two in my How to Heal series. Today, we’re talking about radical self trust and how to build more confidence and trust in yourself. You’ll Learn:How past emotional wounds show up in the presentWhy building radical self trust is so important for healing and creating positive changeHow to be your own grown up3 strategies for building radical self trustWhen I think about trust, I believe the entry point is when you have an experience of feeling really safe with somebody. So, let me ask you…Is there anyone in your life that you feel completely safe with? That you can say or admit anything to (even the shameful, embarrassing, negative things), and you trust that they can handle your vulnerability with unconditional love?In this episode, I’m going to help you become that person for yourself. So even when the hard stuff comes up, you know that your love for yourself will never change.------------------------------------How to Heal is a 6-part journey for healing from emotional pain, figuring out what’s not working in your life so that you can make small changes to be less reactive, feel happier, and show up as the Calm Mama I know you want to be.  What Are You Healing From?In this context, I'm talking about healing from emotional pain - going back and looking at moments in the past when your core emotional or physical needs were not met. Understanding these core emotional needs is also super helpful as a parent. These are tools to help you heal your past and parent your child in the present so that they don’t have the same wounds to heal from.The core emotional needs are really questions we’re trying to answer:Am I safe? This is a big one for kids. Babies and young children are incredibly vulnerable, and they know that they are not able to take care of themselves. They need adults to keep them safe.Am I loved unconditionally? When we tell our kids that we don’t like something they’re doing or the way they’re behaving, they often take that to mean that they are bad. They can’t separate themselves from their behavior. It’s up to the adults in their life to let them know that they are unconditionally loved and accepted. When you experience moments where you feel unsafe or unloved, core wounds can form, and they show up later in our behaviors. There were definitely times in my own life when I did not feel safe. I experienced abandonment when my dad left our family. I experienced sexual abuse as a child. My mother had depression and undiagnosed ADHD, so she was not always available for me and sometimes chose men that were not safe for me. I started to decide that the world is not safe. When I looked around, I saw that adults were unreliable. They hurt you. They leave.Later in life, this core wound showed up as hypervigilance, constantly scanning for hazards, being controlling, looking to see if I fit in, and lots of insecurity and anxiety.If you have felt that you aren’t loved unconditionally, you might notice that wound come up as people pleasing, pushing others away, over-performing, perfectionism, or over-planning. We develop these coping strategies, often even in childhood, to help us deal with the pain and discomfort. As a parent, when these old wounds are aggravated by life circumstances or your kid’s behavior, you might find that you react really intensely. Overreaction is a good indication that you have something to heal from. Something is triggering you, and you might want to change your reaction. This is the WHY of healing. You see that you are reacting in ways that create pain for yourself or others. Your past emotional wounds are affecting the way you respond to current circumstances.  ReparentingIn many ways, healing is a form of reparenting. I think of this as being the parent for yourself that you need right now. We all want our parent to say to us, “You’re safe and you’re loved. I’ve got you, and I’m here.”I want you to do this for yourself. Tell yourself, “Hey, girl. There is no danger here. I’m right here. You’re safe, and I love you. There’s nothing you could do that would make me love you less.”In order to admit that you’re struggling and ask for help, you first have to feel safe and loved. That’s what we’re working on here.What unmet emotional need could be driving this behavior that you want to change? Radical Self TrustIf you want to change something in your life, you have to teach yourself that you're safe. Building this trust is a conversation between you and you. You have to be willing to look at your own behavior and get curious about where it is coming from. If you want the shift, you have to go through the junk and be honest about it all - and know that you’re safe with yourself to do that.Here are some statements to support your self trust: I am safe with me. I unconditionally love and accept myself. I trust that my love for myself is unconditional. To build radic

A conversation with Kristin Lafontaine about a time I almost died in the ocean, how Shrek is my life coach, and our messy kitchens

Today’s episode is the start of the How To Heal series here on the podcast. We’re starting with the foundation of it all - radical self love. A person who experiences self love and demonstrates self compassion has less depression, less anxiety, less stress, and less shame. Isn’t that what we all want?You’ll Learn:A mantra to help you practice radical self loveHow insecurity shows up for me and how I return to my core self4 tools to deepen your self loveRadical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. ------------------------------------------This is such an important topic that I’ve had a lot of feelings come up as I get ready to share this with you - tenderness, insecurity, and impostor syndrome (just to name a few). But the truth is, I’m not trying to solve all of the world’s emotional pain problems. I’m creating this series to share with you my own journey of healing from trauma, uncertainty, and difficult experiences and the things that have been fundamental to me on that journey. Over the course of this series, I’ll help you to:Become kinder to yourselfMake friends with your thoughts, feelings, and behaviorsNotice the patterns or strategies that don’t work for you anymoreMake small changes that influence those patternsThis isn’t about making a huge overhaul of your life. It’s about picking one or two patterns in your life that you want to get curious about and explore…and loving yourself all along the way. Radical Self LoveRadical self love is the foundation of healing. It is vital. It is a gift that you give to yourself. You are entitled to loving yourself and feeling good about yourself, and I want that for you so much. Repeat after me: I unconditionally love and accept all the parts of me, no matter how I think, feel, or act.Write this statement down, put it somewhere you’ll see it often, and practice saying it to yourself throughout the week. Then, I challenge you to practice self love through connection and compassion (sound familiar?). Step 1: Recognize the worth of your core selfAt your core - your essence, your soul, the divinity that lives within you - you are good. You are worthy of love. You are lovable, and you are good enough exactly as you are.Think of a newborn baby. Think of how deserving it is of love and care. There are no expectations of the baby. It doesn't have to prove anything. It doesn't owe anybody anything. It's just this love being. You have that same pure soul inside of you. There is an essence to you that is pure and loving and good. It is worthy of love. It is worthy of being cared for and treated kindly. Step 2: Connect to your core selfUnfortunately, we don’t always live in connection to our core self. We have subconscious thoughts and behaviors. Our environment influences how we think, feel, and act (e.g. parents, teachers, peers, religion, childhood experiences, etc.). Sometimes we lose our connection to that core self, and we start using strategies that we think will either help us get better or help protect us. And these strategies aren’t always very loving to ourselves or others.Our thoughts become ruled by our inner critic. Feelings come up that we don’t know what to do with - like anger, hurt, or resentment. We use strategies to soothe, protect, or punish ourselves. You might recognize these as people pleasing, yelling at your kids, overthinking, drinking too much, overworking, buying new things, pushing away love, not accepting help, focusing on your external appearance, complaining a lot, being greedy or selfish.I don’t want you to see these as horrible things. All of your behaviors make perfect sense. They are actually a form of love that you think you need to protect your core self. These thoughts, feelings, and behaviors give you valuable information.But you don’t need to do those things when you can connect to the pure love that is already within you - that thing you can trust and hold on to and rely on. Healing requires you to grow a relationship between your core self and all those other parts of you. Step 3: Be compassionate with yourselfSelf compassion means that not only do you unconditionally love and accept all the parts of you, you also know that you are not your behavior. If self love is the decision to love yourself, no matter what, then self compassion is the tool you use to get there.Self compassion is a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most. To become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy. To quiet that inner critic, and even make friends with her.You cannot push away negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. You have to explore them with love, curiosity, and compassion, or you’ll end up swapping one not-so-great strategy for another. For example, you can say

As we approach Valentine's Day and my upcoming series on radical self-love, you are getting a love letter from two life coaches that I recently recorded on accident. What you’ll hear today is a conversation between me and my coach and friend, Kristin Lafontaine, as we talked about what it means to heal yourself from pain, how to regulate your emotions and process hard things. We are two life coaches, two mamas who have been through the ringer…and two people who love you. ❤️Even if I don't know you, I care about you. I think about you. You are important to me. I want to be a voice of hope and support for you on your journey towards deeper well-being.The upcoming “radical self-love” series is meant to help you:Be kinder to yourselfMake friends with your thoughts and feelingsNotice patterns and strategies that are no longer serving youMake small decisions to change those patternsGet a sneak peek in today’s episode, and come back next week as the series kicks off. You’ll Learn:How loving yourself and deciding to change can happen at the same timeA new way to think about “past you”Why trusting all stages of yourself is so importantThe 3 words I love to add onto difficult feelings or circumstancesFree Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

In last week’s episode, I talked about how to forgive yourself when you yell, shame, hurt, or otherwise show up in a way you don’t love as a parent. Today, we’re talking about what comes next - saying “I’m sorry” and having a repair conversation with your child. You’ll Learn:Why saying “I’m sorry” is so important (and why it’s only one piece of repair)4-step formula for a repair conversation (with examples)What you need to do before you have this conversation with your kidHow to repair after a longer period of time when you weren’t showing up as the parent you want to beIt’s normal to lose it with your kid. What’s important is how you choose to handle it afterward. ----------------------------------------------You know what this looks like…Your kid keeps complaining about what you’re serving for dinner. Or they keep asking for something over and over, even though you already said no. Or they start hitting their sibling while you’re trying to make an appointment on your phone. You lose your compassion and patience and get angry, overwhelmed, irritated, or frustrated. You get dysregulated, short-tempered, and disrespectful toward your child. What It Feels Like For Your KidChildren are very self centered. That's their natural way of viewing the world. They're pretty sure the world revolves around them. So when they notice that you’re mad, they will automatically think that they are the reason. And further, they’ll think that something is wrong with who they are. They don’t know how to separate their core self from their behavior yet. They internalize our anger, and it's very easy for them to go into shame. This means that when you yell or get upset, you have to go back and give your child some understanding of why you behaved the way you did. We call this repair. You explain to them that you were in a big feeling cycle, and you didn’t use your tools of taking a pause or deep breathing or moving your body or whatever you typically use to calm yourself. The conversation is about repairing your relationship with your child, as well as their self-esteem and internal self-talk (basically your kid’s relationship with themself).  When To RepairHere are some signs that your child might need a repair conversation with you. You might notice that they:Seem deflatedWithdraw from youLook confused by your face or your behaviorCryRun awayGet more aggressiveWhen you act out your big feelings on your kid, it activates their stress response. They go into fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fawn. Anytime you notice that you’ve created a rupture, go make a repair. If you’re at the beginning of your Calm Mama journey, you’ll probably have to do this a lot. You haven’t developed the skills yet, and that’s okay. You are still learning. Another thing to note is that the repair conversation should happen separately from parenting, limit setting, or correction. You might feel tempted to say something to your kid like, “I’m sorry I yelled, but I wouldn’t yell at you if you would just put your pajamas on.” Discussion about your child’s behavior is a whole different conversation. You are responsible for how you respond to misbehavior. Repair is the time for you to fix your mistake and reconnect. How To Have a Repair Conversation: Saying “I’m Sorry”Repair is the act of returning to a moment of disconnection, taking responsibility for your behavior, and acknowledging its impact on your child. You caused a problem with your behavior, and it is your responsibility to make it right. You’re essentially saying to your child, “Hey, I know that happened. I was wrong. I’m sorry, and I’m working on it.”But it’s not enough just to say, “I’m sorry.” We also want our kids to have a chance to talk about how they felt in that moment and have their feelings acknowledged. We want them to understand that your behavior was not about them. Remember, it’s not your kid’s job to forgive you and make you feel better. You have to do that work for yourself first. Take the time to reflect, get calm, and forgive yourself for your mistake. When you’re ready, you are the one who should initiate the repair conversation. Don’t wait for your kid to come to you. Whether it’s the same day or a couple of days later, come back to the incident in a timely manner. Step 1: Narrate the moment of disconnection. Let your child know that you’ve been thinking about what happened. Talk about how you acted out.Step 2: Take responsibility. This is the “I’m sorry.” Before you go into this conversation, make sure that you are truly ready to take responsibility for your behavior without blaming, criticizing, or trying to assuage your own guilt. You have to be neutral and compassionate toward yourself. Be ready to receive your child’s story and experience of your behavior (which can be really uncomfortable). Step 3: Acknowledge the impact on

Darlynn shares the story of a big ol' fight she had with Kevin on Thanksgiving. Who knew how bad things could get just by asking "What do you want for thanksgiving dinner?"

A shopping ban?? What!? Yep, this year I'm committed to buying only essentials and not buying stuff online. I'm especially avoiding Amazon! On this episode of Confessions, Danielle Walsmith dive deep into the REASON I'm doing this and all the 'rules' I've created for the shopping ban.

I'm the host of the Become a Calm Mama podcast, which is a podcast that is all about parenting and mama mindset and how to get calm and how to get your kids to listen and how to stop feeling like a piece of crap parent. I love that podcast! And I'm going to keep teaching you how to parent and show up as the mom that you want to be week after week.As much as I love talking about parenting, I also love talking about so many other things that I'm interested in. So I decided to start a NEW segment on the Become A Calm Mama podcast called Calm Mama Confessions. On episodes of Calm Mama Confessions, you’ll hear me share things that have been on my mind that are outside of parenting.Calm Mama Confessions is the place where I’ll dive into different experiences I’ve had, things I’m learning, life-situations I’m working though. Some examples could be:Marriage: I've been in a long marriage, and so I've learned a lot about being married. I've been married for twenty seven years so there’s A LOT of wisdom to share about that (and a lot of mistakes). The first episode is all about a BIG FIGHT Kevin and I just had over Thanksgiving about mashed potatoes. Recovering From Childhood Trauma:  I also want to go into my backstory a little bit and share how I’ve recovered from a variety of childhood traumas - things I’ve alluded to on the podcast - but haven’t discussed throughout. Like what it meant to have experienced sexual abuse as a child, to experience abandonment, to grow up with a mother who was clinically depressed but untreated, to be poor, tons of stuff around that. Empty Nest & Aging: I now have young adult children, and so I'm thinking about what it means to be an empty nester or a roomier nester. I'm going through menopause, and so I'm talking about hormones with my friends and all the physical changes we're experiencing. Disordered Eating/Body Stuff: As most of you know, I’m in recovery from an eating disorder, so I think a lot about diet and my body and body image and how to heal myself from that.I also love talking about homemaking and money and travel and goals and dreams. In an upcoming episode I share all about my No Buy/Low Buy commitment for 2025. I’ve always got a new goal or challenge or situation I’m diving into. Expect to hear about whatever is going on in my life or whatever experiences I've had or things I've been thinking about that I think might help you feel less alone.There will be a ton of random topics!Also, you won’t just be hearing from me! I’ve had so many amazing conversations with my friends over the years that have changed me, that have informed me, that have helped me grow or understand something about myself. That’s why I'm inviting some of my dearest friends to be on this new podcast to talk with me about a variety of topics. This is the podcast for you…If you love storytelling…if you love listening to people's back stories...If you love the journey of how someone became who they are today..If you love self-help…If you love learning from me…If you're outside the parenting stage and you're finding it hard to relate to some of the things I'm sharing about on the regular podcast…New episodes will drop whenever I feel like it. There won't be a regular schedule so be sure to subscribe to the podcast to get notified of new episodes of Com Mama Confessions. I hope Calm Mama Confessions brings you a smile, a laugh, a big AHA, and is an inspiration to become more and more YOU everyday. 

None of us is perfect. Not your kids, and not you. We all mess up, lose our cool and act in ways we aren’t proud of. It’s normal to feel guilty after you blow up on your kid, but there is a path back to connection. It starts with learning how to forgive yourself. You’ll Learn:What to do after you lose it on your kid.The difference between guilt, shame, and remorseWhy you have to forgive yourself before you make amends with your childThe 4 steps to self-forgivenessWhen moms come to me worried that they’re messing up or traumatizing their kids, it’s often because of a few isolated experiences of them losing themselves in an angry moment and acting in a way that they don't love, like shaming their kid, name calling, being threatening, acting in a way that causes fear and pain for their child. Afterward, they feel this overwhelming regret, guilt, and fear that they have done permanent damage.But these isolated moments don’t define you as a mom. The only thing you need to do now is attune and repair. This idea is so simple, so beautiful, and absolutely true. -------------------------------------------Guilt, Remorse, and RepairWhen you have a rupture with your kid and you show up in a way that doesn't feel good, or you end up not connecting with them when they're doing a bid for connection, and they feel hurt and sad, you probably feel really bad. It feels existentially wrong when we cause our children pain.You had a big feeling cycle, you weren’t calm and emotionally regulated, and mama had a meltdown. After this happens, it’s normal to feel yucky. It’s also important to have a conversation with your child to reconnect and repair the relationship. When you repair, you’re helping your child make sense of what happened when you yelled, shamed or otherwise caused them fear or pain. It helps them to understand that the way you acted wasn’t about them. It was about you.But before you do this, you need to deal with your guilt. If you go into the conversation feeling like a monster or like something must be wrong with you, your kid is going to feel like they have to convince you that you’re not a monster. You can’t rely on your child’s forgiveness to make you feel better. That’s not their job. It’s your job to deal with your guilt and shift to remorse. Guilt can be informative. Guilt is when you realize, “I’ve done something wrong.” But when we focus only on guilt, we can feel really alone and ashamed of ourselves. It is a self-centered feeling that keeps you focused on worthlessness and self-loathing.Guilt can keep you stuck in a destructive cycle of, “I’m a bad mom,” “I’m not good at this,” or “Something’s wrong with me.” It will keep you from actually taking action to make things right. I’m here to tell you that you are not a bad person or a bad mom. You had a moment of overwhelm. You are a human, and you're going to have human reactions.So rather than guilt, let’s shift toward remorse. Remorse takes it a step further to, “I have regret. I did something wrong, and I don’t like that I did it.” From this place, you can process those yucky feelings and start to make amends.  How To Forgive YourselfThe keys to self-forgiveness are to separate the behavior from your core self and to have compassion for yourself and the feelings that led to the behavior. When you act in a way that you don't love, you are acting that way because of your own emotional needs, because of something that's going on inside of you. The temporary overwhelm, anger, resentment or frustration that you felt and acted out is not YOU. You are not a bad person, you had a bad moment. You are a human who had a human reaction. One of the obstacles to self-forgiveness is the fear that if we forgive ourselves, we won't change our behavior. And that's just not true. In fact, the only way you will change your behavior is through this act of self forgiveness. You can’t move on when you’re trapped in a cycle of self-hatred and shame.Before we start going through the steps, I want you to put your hand on your heart and repeat this sentence: I am worthy of love and forgiveness. If, like me, you feel that pain in your gut when you hurt your kids, you can also try placing one hand on your heart and the other on your belly. Tell yourself that you get to be forgiven. You get to let yourself off the hook.You can’t ask your child to forgive you if you haven’t forgiven yourself. And while it feels uncomfortable, the process is really quite simple. Step 1: Acknowledge. Be honest about your part in the rupture, your wrongdoing. Write out what happened, what you said or did. Acknowledge what happened to your kid. What was the expression on their face? How did they react to your behavior? Lay out the facts without judgment.Step 2: Allow. Let yourself feel the pain of remorse and regret. Feel whatever shame, anger, betrayal, confusion or self-doubt comes up. These are all tempor

If you feel worried about messing up your kid, today’s episode is for you. I’m teaching you how practicing attunement will help you build a more connected relationship with your child and create emotional health within them. You’ll Learn:What attunement is and why it’s important for emotional health2 simple steps to practice attunementExamples of what it looks like to be attuned to your childWhat not to say when your kid is strugglingCommon obstacles to attuning to your child (and what to do about them)As moms, we feel really scared that we’re going to mess up our kids. This is a normal fear, and it comes up because you really care a lot. You want to do a good job and raise emotionally healthy kids. Attunement is a big way that we do this. Listen to learn how.-----------------------------------What Is Attunement?Emotional health and feeling secure are rooted in having a strong attachment with your parent. So, the way to trauma-proof your child is through attunement, which is about seeing them and soothing them. In the Calm Mama Process of Calm, Connect, Limit Set, Correct, attunement the “Connect” step. When we talk about validating emotion, we're talking about attunement. In this process, you are becoming aware of your child's emotional state. If they're misbehaving, crying, asking for something - whatever you’re seeing on the outside, you are also trying to figure out what might be going on on the inside.You’re understanding that your child has an inner life. They're walking through the world experiencing something. They have their own thoughts, feelings, reactions, and a perspective on life.When you are regularly attuning to your child, they feel safe and secure. And from that secure place, they are willing to trust others, to be vulnerable, to take risks, to grow, to change, to self-reflect, to have self compassion - all these traits that are part of being an emotionally healthy person.Attunement also normalizes emotions, creates a shame-free environment for processing negative emotion, and helps your child become more self-aware (another key for emotional health).Of course, there are no guarantees. There are always factors that are out of our control. But generally speaking, the more secure a child’s attachment is with their parent, the more likely they are to have an emotionally healthy life.As we talk about attunement, the goal is not for you to do a, b, and c to make sure your kid turns out okay. It’s an opportunity to look at yourself and decide how you want to show up as a parent and what kind of strategies you want to use in your family.  Practicing AttunementBeing seen and validated is really, really powerful. And a little bit of attunement goes a long way toward compliance. Not only is it an effective parenting strategy, but it’s also helpful for your kid in the long term. It models the process of emotional regulation. You help them understand the messy inside feelings. You give them language to communicate it and to cope with it. When you do this over and over again, your child eventually learns how to do that for themselves. Step 1: See. Attunement starts by just paying attention - looking at your child’s behavior and wondering what could be going on underneath. You’ll see clues like their behavior, body language, or words. Your role as a parent is to try to slip into their narrative, their emotional state. Then, you can respond to that emotional state and try to help them through it.Step 2: Soothe. When your child is in distress or having a negative experience, they need soothing. Sometimes this is as simple as communicating to them, “You are not alone. I see you. I’m here to support you.” Soothing is not about solving problems. “Fix it” energy is not really soothing energy. Rescuing your kid from their problem, convincing them that things are okay, or trying to minimize it and tell them it’s not a big deal will not make them feel supported, either. Attunement is coming alongside them and validating their experience, recognizing that their experience is real and true. Listen to them, respect their state of mind, and try to see the world from their point of view. At the same time, we recognize that not all behavior is acceptable. If your kid is acting in a way that causes a problem or just doesn’t work for your family, we want to validate their feelings without validating the behavior. Offer other ways to communicate, process, or cope with their feelings.  Common ObstaclesA child’s natural state is to seek support from their caregivers. And we want our kids to believe that we are their safe space, their home base. You are your kid’s anchor in a storm. My mom used to say to me, “Home is where I am,” and I love that. We want to offer our children reliability and consistency in our caregiving, but we aren’t always able to do that because we aren’t always calm.  The biggest obstacle to attunement is our own emoti

The recent fires in Los Angeles (not far from where I live) have me thinking a lot about resilience. As I hear more and more stories of families who are displaced, who have lost their homes, I’m overwhelmed by thoughts of the resilience that these individuals, families, and communities will need in order to recover.You’ll Learn:What resilience is and why it’s so important to start practicing at a young ageWhy parents try to prevent pain for the kids (and why we shouldn’t)3 strategies for helping your child build resilienceWhen we experience adversity, it’s almost like we’re being forged in a fire to become stronger and more beautiful. So as parents, how can we develop resilience in our kids so that they can overcome adversity and hard things throughout their lives? -----------------------------------------Preventing PainWe want our children to face disappointment with bravery, courage, and strength. But at the same time, we often try to prevent them from ever experiencing hardship.When your kid is struggling, you might feel guilty because you see their discomfort as a kind of failure on your part. Try shifting your thinking to, “Hard things are gonna be inevitable, and my job is not necessarily to prevent those things. My job is to equip my child so that they are able to experience pain, discomfort, and hardship, and overcome it so that they become more and more resilient.”Another big reason why parents don’t like their kids to experience hardship is because they feel ill-equipped to deal with their child’s big feelings (and the crying and complaining that come with it). Parents even fear that going through hard things will “break” their kids. The truth is, humans aren’t actually that breakable. And you can’t prevent your kids from ever getting hurt or going through tough things. Even if you did it “perfectly”, it is impossible to stop anything bad from ever happening to your child. And you’ll burn yourself out in the process.Kids are going to face challenges from potty training accidents to not getting into the college of their choice and many, many experiences in between. Life is filled with beauty and pain and loss. Hard things and really beautiful things. In fact, you don’t really even want to protect your kids from all hardship. Preventing problems (or trying to) creates a different set of problems. It’s important for our kids to experience small disappointments so that they feel confident in their ability to overcome those hard things. Give them your support, care, and love through tough times. Resilience is really all about this internal belief that’ “I'm okay. I can handle it. I'm good enough. I can figure things out.” It's a mindset that comes from the inside.If you let your kids go through little hardships as they age - struggling to put on their shoes, going back up to the bedroom and remaking their bed, losing their water bottle and having to pay $10 to buy a new one - it will give them that inner belief that they can handle it. Building ResilienceIt’s natural for big feelings to come along with a difficult or uncomfortable situation. Processing feelings allows us to overcome them. When you give your kids space to cry, to grieve, to be sad, mad, hurt, frustrated, or afraid, their nervous system will find its way back to equanimity, balance, and calm. You can give them the tools to process those negative emotions.Don’t rush to problem solving or finding the silver lining. Building resilience really comes from allowing the pain, hurt, sadness, anger, or frustration to be fully digested and processed by the nervous system. Trust that your child can handle those feelings. If it seems that your kid is getting stuck in the big feeling cycle, suggest a short break to take a walk or have a snack. You can also put boundaries around their processing. For example, “I'm happy to talk to you more about the sad thing that happened tomorrow. Right now, it's time for bed.”Allow time for them to get through some of their emotions, and then guide them as they learn to solve their own problems. Give them the idea that they have the answer inside of them. Start to offer some solutions, but in a way that makes them think.You can help bring it out by asking really good questions:Why do you think that happened? What do you want to do next? What would be the best solution for you? How do you want to handle this? Do you want to try…?For example, if your kid gets cut from the baseball team, what can they do to get better and make the team next season? Encourage them to keep working at it, and let them know it’s not over. They can work at getting the grades they want. They can work at getting a friendship back. They can work at getting privileges back that they’ve lost.Let them know that, no matter what happened, they’re safe and they are okay exactly as they are. They can always try again. You also want to remind them that

There are so many options out there for sports and extracurriculars for kids…and so many questions that come with them. Should you have your kids play sports? When? Should you make them stick with something they hate? The list goes on and on.You’ll Learn:How to create more opportunities for free play (including windows of screen-free time)The difference between structured & free play and the benefits of bothHow to decide which sports and extracurricular activities to commit toWhat to do when your kid “doesn’t feel like it”Today, I’ll give you some guidance on all of these questions. And we’re not just talking about sports. Whether it’s football, gymnastics, music, religious education, learning a new language (or pretty much anything else you can come up with), this episode will help you decide what’s best for your child and your family.-----------------------------------------Formal vs. Free PlayOne important distinction to make between kids’ activities is whether it is formal (i.e. structured and usually adult led) or free play (open, freely chosen and participant led). Lego is a good example. Using instructions to build a kit is an example of formal play, whereas making their own creations from a bunch of random blocks is free play. Free play is play without a purpose in mind. Think Hot Wheels, playing with dolls, pretending to cook, having a party with stuffed animals, etc. It’s all just for fun. They’re not trying to achieve anything except what they’re doing in the moment. Plus, there are a lot of benefits that come with open play, including better emotional regulation, self-soothing, problem solving, resilience and knowing their own likes and dislikes. They learn to manage conflict with their playmates.For the most part, kids under age 5 do not need to be in any organized sports or activities. Their primary job at this stage is to learn how to move their body, listen, understand basic rules and directions, and play with others. They are likely getting plenty of formal training during preschool or kindergarten, and they don’t really need more than that. I often see parents wanting to put kids in activities because they struggle to keep their children entertained all day. Their kids are restless, overwhelmed, dysregulated, and easily bored. As an adult, it feels good to bring in some structure and put something on the calendar. There’s nothing wrong with this, but I want you to recognize that it is for you, not for them. When kids aren’t used to this open, unstructured time, they’re going to be uncomfortable figuring out what to do with themselves. They’re used to having a lot of direction from grown-ups. As the parent, you might see this and think that your child only does well when they’re in a programmed environment, but it’s really just a skill they haven’t developed yet.Ultimately, we want to see kids having more and more time in free play. This looks like kids moving their bodies with open-ended equipment (e.g. blocks, figures, scooters, balls, trampoline, etc.). Imaginative play is the beauty of being a kid, and we want to give them as many opportunities as we can to do that. Rather than running soccer drills, give them a chance to kick, run and play. Go to the park and set them loose to run, pretend, and make up their own games. Let them jump off low walls, muck around in the mud, play tag, have foot races, pretend to sword fight, and use their body to develop their muscles and motor skills. And if they want to play sports later, this experimentation and movement is also how athleticism is built.  Pros & Cons of Structured ActivityWhen your kids are in organized sports and activities, it takes away time for the free, open play we know they need. In many cases, kids spend a lot of time waiting their turn or listening to directions during group activities. So, at the end, they might seem even more dysregulated than when you took them there. It can help to give them some free play after their formal activity ends to release some of that energy. Of course, organized sports are good for physical movement. And many extracurriculars involve a team, which helps kids learn how to cooperate and problem solve with others. Even when an adult is leading, it’s cool to be a part of a team that is working toward something together. The commitment of organized sports can be both a challenge and a benefit. Your child signed up for it, it’s paid for, their team is counting on them…so they have to go do it even when they don’t want to. This can be tough for your kid (and for you), but it also builds resilience, integrity and character.  How To Decide About Sports & ExtracurricularsFirst, think about what’s important to you. Why do you want to put them in an organized activity?It might be because you want structure to your schedule. You might feel pressure to help your kid keep up with their peers or want them to be strong and athletic. It

If you’re setting goals or resolutions for 2025, this episode is for you!This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting. The end result was goals that made me feel joyful instead of shitty.Now, I’m sharing that question with you.You’ll Learn:My theme for the yearWhy thinking you need to “fix yourself” will sabotage your goalsHow to use the 7 “life areas” to set meaningful goals The reflection question that stopped me in my tracksListen to learn the process I used to create a vision, goals and some actions steps for 2025. ------------------------------This year, I was asked a question that stopped me in my tracks and shifted my entire approach to goal setting.What about your life doesn’t need to improve or change?When I read the question, I immediately felt myself push against it. I was like, “Oh, I don't want to think about what’s going well.” To be honest, it took me a couple of days to get back to this question. Maybe you’re like me when it comes to goal setting: I usually approach them from a kind of a “manager type” - let's find out all the problems in this system, and let's address those problems. I usually start with questions like: Where are the gaps? Where are the problems? What are the things that are going wrong? What needs a Re-Solution? The “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” thing. But this year, when I opened up Ameila Knott’s “Reimagining Resolutions” workbook and she asked me to look at “What about my life doesn't need to improve or change?" I saw very clearly how much I was using goal-setting as a “whip” to compare, measure, and criticize myself.(This workbook is SOOO good, and Amelia is sharing it with the Calm Mama community for free! Get your copy of Reimagining Resolutions by clicking here.)   Reimagining Resolutions in 2025Creating goals and dreams from a negative headspace of scarcity and “not good enough-ness” is like letting our inner critic give us a pep-talk. Not fun. (My inner critic can be pretty mean, although she’s much nicer than she used to be.) When we let our most negative self define us, we’re left feeling “less than” and hopeless. No wonder most of us give up on our goals by mid-January…But this year, very cool things happened when I spent time reflecting on my life from a place of gratitude, hope, satisfaction and contentment. Mostly I didn’t feel like shit. Instead I felt so joyful!The best thing you can do for yourself right now is...Imagining that your life is GREAT exactly as it is today. Acknowledging what you’ve already achieved and created. Giving yourself credit for the things you’ve overcome. This is the mindset you want to be in BEFORE you think about what you want to create or do in 2025.From that headspace, you can take a look at the 7 major life areas (Spirit, Mind & Emotions, Body, Relationships, Livelihood, Play, and Space & Things) and decide if you WANT to work on anything new or different. I talk all about these in the episode. You don’t have to do any of this, btw. You can let everything be good exactly as it is. Contentment is a super power. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Many people believe that thinking about regrets is a waste of time or unimportant. But I think it can actually be informative and instructive. Today, I’m sharing some of my parenting regrets as I look back on the decisions I made when my kids were younger. I want to show you how you can use regret in a positive, supportive way.You’ll Learn:Why regret can actually be a good thingRegrets I have from my own parenting journeyHow to handle regret in a compassionate and useful wayHow to use regret as fuel for your future goalsBut regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life.---------------------------------As we wrap up 2024, it’s a good time to reflect on where you’re at and do some gentle reflection. Through this process, you may notice mistakes you made or areas of your life where you don’t think you’re doing that great.Often, when we think or talk about our mistakes, we end up feeling a lot of embarrassment and shame around them. We tend to beat ourselves up, and we don’t really know what to do with those regrets. But regret doesn’t need to be destructive. You can process those feelings and then use that regret to fuel you. It can lead to forgiveness, a deeper compassion for yourself or action toward changes you want to make in your life. Instead of ignoring it and pushing forward, you can gain something from that mistake or regret.  Dealing with Regret as a MomIt’s normal to make mistakes as a mom. It is normal for you to pick an educational path and then decide that it wasn't right for your kid. It's normal to make them stay in a sport and then find out that they were getting a chronic injury that you didn’t know about. You're going to act in ways you don’t love. You’ll create disconnection with your kids. You'll sometimes say things the wrong way or say things you wish you hadn't. You’re going to push your kid too hard sometimes and not hard enough at others. It’s impossible to do motherhood perfectly. Especially when so many of the decisions we make as moms are based on an unknown future. You make the best decision you can at the time with whatever kind of capacity you have.And that’s okay. You don’t want to do it perfectly anyway. Because when you make a mistake, you learn from it, grow and change.When you feel regret starting to creep in…Accept that you have limited capacity. Not everything can be the most important thing. If there is something you can’t fully commit to now, you might regret it later. This is where forgiveness comes in. Instead of getting stuck in the coulda, woulda, shoulda, you can say, “Well, I guess I didn’t have it in me at that time.”Balance compassion and responsibility. This is the same thing we try to do for our kids. You don’t need to bury yourself in guilt and shame. But you do want to be willing to accept feedback, take an honest look at the situation. Love yourself through the process of using your mistakes to serve you instead of hurt you. This way, when your kid comes to you with feedback, you can receive it without it crushing you. You can be ready to make amends, apologize or make things right. Here are five ways to handle regret when it comes up.Undo it. As soon as you realize you’re making a mistake, go back and fix it. “At least” it. If you can’t go back and fix it, reframe the situation for yourself. Look at it from another angle and try to find the positive. What is good here? If you were late to a baseball game… “at least we got here.”Disclose it. Share your mistake and your shame. Say it out loud. Admit to yourself that you have a problem.Normalize it. Recognize that what you’re experiencing is probably pretty normal. In my work, this comes up a lot with normalizing yelling, wanting a break from your kids or feeling bitter when they come back from time away.Distance it. Imagine it from someone else’s perspective or imagine it 10 years from now. This can help you separate yourself a bit from the problem. The cool thing is that you can always repair anything, but you have to be honest with yourself.  My Parenting RegretsI am a parenting coach, and I know that I’m a really good parent. I have a lot of information, a lot of privilege and a lot of access. And I have still made decisions and done things as a parent that I don’t love. Part of my parenting manifesto is, “Parenting is my opportunity for growth”. I use these experiences to learn about myself, my kids, how the world works and what my values are. I’m defining my values in real time with my kids.  My “undo it” storyAround 2020, in the middle of lockdown and the pandemic, I started to realize that I had been triangulating myself between my younger son and my husband. I had created a dyna

Winter break can be hard for us and our kids. What often happens is we sort of just start going into the holiday season and winter break without a plan or being prepared. You’ll Learn:How to get through winter break without feeling exhausted and sick by the endWays to support your kids and decrease meltdownsWhat to do when your kid is disappointed by a change in plans or something not going the way they hopedHow to find more “sparkle” and delight this winter breakIn today’s encore episode, I’ll give you 4 winter break tips for you and 4 tips for your kids. You’ll learn strategies to take better care of yourself, feel less overwhelmed, be compassionate with your kids and reduce meltdowns. -------------------------------------Today, I hope you’ll feel empowered to put the brakes on if you need to so that you can actually enjoy this time with your kids and have fun doing the things you want to do this holiday season. Get What You Want Out of Winter BreakIn order to have the experience you want this winter break, you have to know what that is. What do you want?Before any sort of winter break, holiday, summer experience, vacation, birthday party, or anything like that, I spend a few minutes making my own personal bucket list of what I want to do or experience and how I want to feel during that experience. I’m a big fan of chasing the feelings we want. What feelings do you want to chase during this break? Maybe you want to feel connected, calm, or joyful. When you know how you want to feel (and what kinds of things make you feel that way), it’s easier to make a plan. Decide in advance what you want to feel, and then make a plan to create opportunities for it. Look at your calendar and figure out what you want to do and when you will do it. For example, if you want to create intentional one-on-one time with each kid, decide when it’s going to happen, put it on the calendar and communicate the plan to your family. And as you look at what’s already on the schedule, ask yourself why you are doing it and if it aligns with how you want to feel. Remember, you don’t have to do it all. Winter Break TipsWhen you are overwhelmed and you have no time or energy to take care of yourself, it's gonna take away from enjoying the season with your kids. These four strategies will help you to be more calm and present this winter break. Tip #1: Be realistic about your schedule and to-do list.Before you jump into a bunch of activities, take a moment to ask yourself, “What can I actually handle right now? What’s been going on for my kids, and how are they doing?” Think about how much time, energy and mental capacity you have. If you’re really depleted (or if you just know it’s always a disaster when you go out to eat in a restaurant) I want you to opt out and say no. Change your plans rather than push yourself.  Tip #2: Stop people-pleasing.Similar to the first tip, this is about not doing things that are outside of what you want to do or what you can handle. When you try to please others by going outside of what you have capacity for, you end up feeling like crap. You don’t enjoy the thing or you feel resentful or you get home and dump all your overwhelm and feelings on your kids. It is okay for you to disappoint people, change your plans or decline invitations. Friends or family might feel a little sting when you say no, but that negative feeling will likely pass quickly. Tip #3: Ask for help.This is a hard one for moms. We feel like it’s our job to do all the holiday stuff, but sometimes there are people in our lives who actually want to help and be involved in the holiday preparations. When we do it all ourselves, we usually end up really tired and sometimes resentful (again). It’s okay to invite your partner into it if you have one. It’s okay to ask guests to bring something to the dinner or take your neighbor up on their offer to watch your kids. Your people want to help you. So let them.  Tip #4: Decrease the noise.This is something I’ve really been trying to practice in my own life. It might look like keeping clutter down around the house, turning off some notifications on your phone, reading less news or taking a break from social media.Hearing our phones ding all the time actually upsets the nervous system and activates cortisol.When we spend less time listening to and responding to these other things, it opens up time and space to connect with yourself, your kids or in nature. Maybe you’re laughing, playing games or going for a walk as a family.The goal with all of these tips is that you feel better and more calm this holiday season. Not frantic, rushed, too busy or overwhelmed. I want you to enjoy it and remember the feelings.  How To Support Your Kids This Winter BreakThese strategies will help you be more attuned to where your kids are (mentally and emotionally) this winter break, how to support them and how to cr

Recently, I’ve coached a few different moms about allowance and chores. These concepts often go together, but I think about them as two separate pieces. Today, I’ll teach you how to use giving allowance to teach financial literacy to your kids. You’ll Learn:Why I don’t believe you should pay your kid to do choresFinancial lessons all kids should learnThe value of giving an allowanceHow to use allowance to teach financial literacy Giving allowance gives your kid the ability to have some money in their pocket so they can learn how to spend, how to save, how to have regret, and how to feel proud. Listen to learn how.----------------------------------Why Financial Literacy MattersManaging money is a skill - and an important one. When you want to teach your kids how to read, you give them books. When you want to teach your kids about their feelings, you emotionally coach them about their feelings. When you want to teach them how to count or do math, you give them small items that they can count and manipulate.So if you want to teach your kids about money, you have to give them some money. There are a lot of things I want my kids to learn and understand about money. In order to do that, they have to make decisions and have a lot of different experiences with money.I want them to experience the feeling of having some money and then spending it. I want them to spend money and be thrilled by the purchase. And I also want them to have the feeling of spending money on something that’s not good quality that breaks right away or that they regret.I want them to have the feeling of saving their money in order to get something. But I also want them to have the feeling of wanting something and not having enough because they didn't save.I even want them to have the experience of paying for fines. Sometimes, in life, we make a mistake and we have to pay money to fix it. Ultimately, I want them to experience both success and failure when it comes to making decisions and spending money. This is how we learn. The Allowance-Chores ConnectionMy take on allowance and chores might be a little different than you’re used to. While the two are connected, I don’t actually believe that you should pay your kids to do chores. Allowance is meant to teach financial literacy. Chores teach kids how to be in community. As a part of your family community, they should participate and help out…just because they live there. Both help teach responsibility.So if you’re not paying your kid to do chores, how do they fit together?As a member of the family, your child will have jobs to do around the house. There will be expectations for them to meet. If they don’t do their jobs, what happens? Often, you end up doing the job for them, and they’ll need to pay you back for the time and energy it took you to do that. Not doing their chore is a mistake. When you make mistakes, you have to pay for them in some way. You have to make it right. One way is for them to pay you back in time. If you did one of their chores, they can do one of yours. Another way is to pay you back in money.For example, you might give your kid $5 a week for allowance. One night, you realize they didn’t take out the trash, so you do it before bed. The next day (or the next time you pay allowance), you say, “This chore that I did cost $1,” so they owe you that or you take it out of their allowance for the next week. The shift is that the amount of their allowance is set, but you are docking their pay for things they didn’t do.  Giving Allowance to Teach Financial LiteracyThese are some tips and things to think about to use an allowance as a financial literacy tool.  Decide how much allowance you’ll give. This is a personal decision that depends on your financial situation, how many kids you have, etc. The cool thing is that when you start giving your kid allowance and stop buying extra stuff (if you have been), you’ll have a better handle on your own money.In my opinion, $1 a week is great up until age 5-7. Then, you can raise it a little bit. We did $5 a week for a really long time with our boys. Once they hit high school, it was more like $20 a week, because they were paying for food, movies, bowling, etc. when they were out with their friends. Now, in college, we give them slightly more than is necessary for the week or month, and they use that to pay for any extras.  Decide what you’re willing to pay for and what your kid has to pay for themselves. For example, if you’re going to a carnival, what will you provide? What extras does your kid have to buy for themselves? Maybe you pay for their admission or a ride wrist band or one sweet treat. Anything beyond that, they’ll need to pay for on their own. Decide in advance and communicate it clearly.The idea is that you are still providing for them, but your child has some money for extras.  Have a safe place to keep money. For kids 12

Parents often ask me about how to approach giving their kid a phone for the first time. Today on the podcast, I’m joined by Kristi Bush, founder of Protect Our Kids. We’re talking about strategies to use before you give them the phone, as well as tools for monitoring their use. You’ll Learn:Examples of kids accessing internet content that they shouldn’t (and how it often happens)Why it’s important to have boundaries and guidelines from the startCommon pitfalls of gaming consolesHow to prepare for giving your kid their first phoneStrategies for monitoring device useIf you’re concerned about technology use and want to establish good practices in your family, you’re going to love this conversation!-------------------------------Kristi Bush is a coach and speaker who helps families navigate the overwhelming challenges of social media and devices. She’s worked with kids and families for many years, including as a licensed social worker. She combines science and storytelling to give a unique perspective of the benefits and threats associated with social media and technology.  Giving Your Kid Their First PhoneKids are curious (they’re supposed to be!). But this curiosity can lead them to seeing things online that are not developmentally appropriate. Using technology and social media is a skill. Your responsibility as a parent is to teach your kids those skills, slowly and in stages. You don’t want to jump in with an all-access pass right away. Kristi agrees with the guideline of waiting until 8th grade before giving your child a smartphone. However, she also acknowledges that some families might need ways to communicate with kids who travel home from school on their own, have sports, etc. So, how do you know when it’s the right time?First of all, don’t give your kid a device if they aren’t even asking for it. This is just a win for you as a parent.Kristi says that parents’ relationships with their kids change after they get that first phone, “Once you give your child a phone, you will always wonder, are they okay? What are they doing?” It changes the whole dynamic.You’ll know that they have access to some pretty serious things and that you’ll need to have some adult conversations. Of particular concern are pornography, predators and bullying. Your kid might see things that really stick with them. The other concern is when your specific child is mentally, emotionally and psychologically ready for the responsibility of a phone. This answer is different for everyone, even within the same family.If your kid is already obsessed with gaming or their appearance (which can be intensified with constant access to a camera), these issues will be magnified if they have a phone that is with them all the time. Ultimately, Kristi wants parents to feel good about their decision. She talks to a lot of parents who gave their child a phone because all the other kids their age had one, but they didn’t feel okay with that choice. The decision was driven by fear that their kid would be left behind socially, and they didn’t follow their gut. Whenever your kid jumps into texting, social media, etc., they will catch up. They won’t be left behind. Just as with other developmental stages and skills like potty training and reading, it’s okay for every kid to be on their own timeline.  Set Up StrategiesHere are some steps and strategies to prepare your child and their new device:Decide (along with your co-parent if you have one) on the boundaries and guidelines ahead of time. Set up the phone with passcodes, settings, etc. before you give it to your child. This way, it will be ready for them to use as soon as they open it.Kristi says, “Settings are your friend.” This is where you find a lot of privacy features. And don’t worry - You’re not going to break the device. If you mess something up, you can always backtrack and redo it. Limit access to the outside world. Many apps and games have chat features or even internet search functions that can expose kids to strangers or inappropriate content. In some cases, you can turn off this feature or limit it to approved contacts. Keep your settings up to date. A challenge for parents is that apps and operating systems are always updating and changing. Kristi recommends revisiting your child’s device settings at least every 90 days. Take a close look at the settings to be sure none of your guidelines have been bumped off due to an update (which happens all the time). Take it slow. Don’t give your kid multiple apps or games right off the bat. You’re going to have to learn how to manage the settings for each individual app or device. Make it easy on yourself and go one at a time. Learn as much about it as you can, set it up in a way that feels safe for your family and wait awhile before adding anything new.Start with just an internet browser or a little bit of controlled access to an approved app, and see how your child

Today is Thanksgiving in the U.S., so I’m sharing a simple gratitude practice that you can do as a family, along with a guided gratitude meditation. What you focus on is what you create more of. When you focus on things that bring you joy and delight, you’re going to feel better and more positive about your life. You’ll Learn:Why your kid isn’t wrong for wanting thingsHow to flip the wish list into a simple family gratitude practiceWhat I’m thankful forA guided meditation to bring more gratitude into your lifeGratitude is a powerful tool for feeling more content in your life. Instead of chasing after something new, better, different, more, we can learn to appreciate the things we have.-------------------------------------The Antidote to EntitlementIf you’re reading this around the time it comes out, we’re heading into the holiday season. If you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or another gift-giving holiday, your kids probably have gifts on the brain. First, I want to remind you that this is normal. Kids naturally have a lot of desire. It’s okay for them to want things and ask for things. It’s also okay for them to not get those things and feel disappointed.But, if you’ve worried that your kid is going to be spoiled, entitled or always wanting, wanting, wanting…The antidote is gratitude. A Simple Family Gratitude PracticeThis gratitude practice is about being okay with desire, wants and the wish list. In fact, this exercise is kinda like a wish list in reverse. Challenge your kids (and yourself) to ask themselves…What are some things that you used to want that you now have?Look back on these things and take a moment to be grateful for them. It doesn’t have to be formal, or even written down. Just start a conversation. You can use some of the prompts below to get you started:Do you remember what was on your wish list last year? Did you get it? Isn't it amazing that you used to want something, and now you have it? Do you still love it? Are you glad you have it? It doesn’t have to be stuff. You can also express gratitude for an experience, relationship or opportunity. We’re cultivating the ability to reflect and be thankful, challenging the brain to think of things in a slightly different way. This podcast was something I wanted for a long time. I am so thankful for you and for the opportunity to share the things I’ve learned. I’m grateful for my difficult experience as a mom because it allows me to connect with you and help make your life a little bit easier and more calm.If you want to listen to the guided meditation in the podcast recording, you can find it at [8:54].I wish you a joyful holiday and lots of love and gratitude in your life. Free Resources:Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

If you’ve ever wished you could make life less complicated, you’re going to love my guest on today’s podcast. Brenda Yoder is here with me talking about contentment - what it is, how to cultivate it and what is keeping you from feeling satisfied with your life.You’ll Learn:Why there is more discontent in our current society that in past generationsHow contentment and happiness are different from each otherCommon challenges to feeling content7 strategies for bringing more contentment into your lifeThe exercise I used to create more contentment in my marriageMy invitation to you today, Mama, is to chase contentment. Choose it. Figure out how to bring more of it into each moment. You’re already good enough.-------------------------------My guest, Brenda Yoder, is a licensed mental health counselor, school counselor, speaker and educator. She is also the author of Uncomplicated: Simple Secrets for a Compelling Life; and Fledge: Launching Your Kids without Losing Your Mind.She’s the cohost of the Midlife Moms Podcast and Facebook community. She also hosts and writes the Life Beyond the Picket Fence podcast and blog, covering a variety of topics on faith, life, and family beyond the storybook image. Uncomplicating Your LifeBrenda lives in a small Amish-Mennonite community, and sees how tourists flock there because there is something in that lifestyle that they want in their own lives.How many of us watch Hallmark movies at the holidays and long for those quaint towns and communities? We’re drawn to the uncomplicated, less chaotic, less busy way of life. Visitors to Brenda’s town think they would have to be Amish in order to have that simplicity and satisfaction. But contentment isn’t about where you live or what you have or don’t have. It’s more internal - how you view the world and what you value. As a working mom to 4 kids and now a grandma to 3 little ones, Brenda understands that there’s more to an uncomplicated life than just “slowing down”. She says, “It really is a sense of values clarification.” Clarifying our values, modeling them and seeing them lived out is not as common as it was in previous generations. Instead, we’re inundated by technology, social media and other distractions.In Brenda’s book, Uncomplicated, she outlines ten virtues, mindsets and behaviors for an uncomplicated life: resourcefulness, practicality, fidelity, equanimity & forbearance, stewardship, interdependence, being grounded and humble, foresight prudence and, of course, contentment. A Culture of DiscontentBrenda defines discontentment as “that one thing that’s always out of your reach.” Maybe it’s always looking to a new goal or experience as soon as you achieve something. As a parent, you might find yourself constantly looking ahead to the next stage, wishing for your kid to have better grades or better behavior. When you are discontent, you’ll always be looking at what’s out of reach, rather than seeing what you already have that can fill you up. You take things for granted, and nothing ever seems to be enough.Finding contentment comes back to asking yourself, “What if today is as good as it gets?” Can you be content and satisfied with what is here? Brenda explains that many people confuse contentment with happiness, but they are not the same. She says, “Contentment is a sense of ‘I am full, and I don’t need more’.”In helping moms raise emotionally healthy kids, contentment is huge. We don’t want our kids to grow up and be people who are chronically dissatisfied with their life. Our kids pick up on what we model and how we view our lives. Obstacles to ContentmentMany aspects of our society tend to steer us toward discontent. Social media (and lots of other types of media), ads and algorithms want us to feel unsatisfied so we keep buying. And there are some common thought patterns that you’ve probably fallen into yourself.Performance. In our American culture, we are driven to perform. It can even make us fear contentment. There’s a belief that we can’t be satisfied with what we already have because it will make us lazy. We think we always need to be doing more, being more and achieving more. Doubt. This is the if/when type of thinking. If I can…I’ll finally be satisfied. Or, when I achieve…I’m finally going to be at the place I want to be. You’re relying on something outside of yourself to make you feel better. If you can find contentment first, then you can pursue something more, better or different knowing that you already have everything you want and need. You don’t need anything from that next step.Putting off contentment. Maybe you think you’ll finally be content when your kids are older and more settled or when you’re retired. But there are no guarantees in life. What can you do to cultivate a sense of content and gratitude right now, in this season, exactly where you and your family are? What can you jump into and&

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapeutic models to help people move through negative emotion and create long term change in the way they think, feel and behave in their lives. Today, I’m showing you how you can use the powerful concepts behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy  in parenting.You’ll Learn:Why Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is such a powerful toolHow your thoughts affect the way you show up as a parentHow to feel less triggered by your kid’s behaviorSome of my favorite tools and strategies for seeing your child in a more positive lightA big part of CALM (the first step in my 4-step Calm Mama Process) is calming yourself when your nervous system gets activated. But I want to take it a step further. I want to help you learn how to not get activated in the first place. Imagine if you were able to stay in your calm state of mind and not get triggered by your kid’s behavior. How cool would that be?! ---------------------------What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?Cognitive (or cognition) is just a fancy word for thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) teaches strategies to think differently so that you act differently. It was created in the 1960s by a psychiatrist named Aaron Beck when he realized that there are three separate parts of cognition. Automatic thoughts - Default thoughts that come from how we were raised and what we’ve learned from societyCognitive distortions - “Thought errors” where our thoughts can be extreme or untrueUnderlying beliefs - Core beliefs we have about ourselves and the world, which guide our point of view but may or may not be true for usCBT invites you to examine your thinking so that your beliefs help you show up the way you want to. The coaching model that I use is based in cognitive behavior therapy. The idea is that something happens (a circumstance) >> I have a thought about what happened >> That thought creates a feeling >> I act on that feeling. Basically, your thoughts and feelings create how you show up for your kid (and the rest of your life). I don’t know about you, but I want to show up as a parent that feels confident and hopeful for my children. I want them to be able to borrow my belief in them when they’re struggling to believe in themselves. This is possible for all of us, but there are some patterns that might get in your way. Common Thought Errors in ParentingThere are several common ways we can get caught up in thought errors or cognitive distortions.  Negative thought bias. A viewpoint that the world is not so great. My kid’s behavior isn’t good. That’s just the way it is. You expect that things will go wrong.Whether you have a positive or negative outlook, no matter what thoughts you are thinking, your brain will find evidence to prove you right. Some people naturally have a more negative outlook, while others will have an easier time thinking more positively. Either way, you can train your brain to look for the good more often. Black-and-white thinking. Viewing a behavior or your kid as good OR bad. Watch for all-or-nothing or extreme kinds of thoughts. Try to notice what is actually happening right now without projecting it into the past or future. Focusing on the negative more than the positive. Let’s say you went on a family vacation that was mostly good, but there were a few negative experiences. When a friend asks you how your trip was, will you say it was mostly good or that it was a disaster? If you want to feel more happy, joyful and calm, look for the positives, and choose to focus on those experiences. You have the power to frame your life to tell the story you want to tell.  Future forecasting. Looking at today and deciding that tomorrow is gonna suck. This comes from thoughts like, “If my kid keeps behaving this way ,” or “If they don’t change…” bad things are going to happen. You think they’ll be in trouble down the road, and you feel trapped and afraid. You try to use the present to predict the future.  Mindreading. Trying to assume what other people are thinking based on their behavior. Some common assumptions we make with our kids are that they are manipulating us or that they should know better by now.  “Should” statements. These are rules we have for ourselves. Some of them come from our default thinking, and often there is an “or else” beneath it which creates fear and anxiety. For example, “I should never yell or else I’m a bad mom.” Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Strategies in ParentingA lot of parents have a lot of default, automatic thoughts when it comes to their kids. A lot of their thinking is distorted. It's not necessarily true or factual. When you keep blindly thinking these things, you continue to show up in ways you don't love.Getting to this point is really about normalizing how kids act. What if your chi

The term “accidental neglect” might sound a little harsh, but it also describes what your child experiences when you’re on your phone. You might be disconnecting from your kid without realizing it. Today, I’m talking all about what your child sees and feels when you are on your device and strategies for better phone etiquette around kids.You’ll Learn:Why your kid often bothers or interrupts you when you’re on your phoneHow kids experience your phone useThe difference between real-life and online interruptions4 simple strategies to be more intentional with your tech and connected to your kidAs a society, we really aren't doing our kids a solid by having a distracted parenting experience. It's actually changing our children's nervous systems and their brain patterns. I believe that we can figure out new ways of relating to tech so that we can have a more connected experience for our kids and future generations.Listen to learn how!---------------------------Accidental NeglectEven as an adult, I’ve noticed that I feel a little lonely when I am in a conversation or with someone and they look at their phone. You see them kinda glaze over, and their mind becomes totally consumed with whatever they’re looking at on the screen. And when someone is on their phone, you don't know what they're doing. You don't know if they're responding to a message, reading a news article or playing a game. You can't really see what's on someone else's device.As adults, we can imagine what they might be doing because we also have these online worlds that exist on our devices that we engage with. We can take a guess at when they’re doing and soothe ourselves. Kids who don’t yet have an online life don’t have the ability to go through this mental process and put themselves in your shoes. They have no mental map of that online world. They don’t understand what you’re being drawn to.So, when you are having a conversation with your child, helping them with their homework or playing a board game and you pick up your phone to check a notification, your kid feels rejected. They experience that moment as neglect, even though that’s not your intention. To them, the phone is almost like a sibling that they’re jealous of. When you get distracted, they get dysregulated. Next thing you know, you’re frustrated with your kid and think they’re being rude by interrupting or bothering you when you’re on your phone. You find yourself in a conflict or disciplining them. But in this situation, their nervous system is truly being affected. They feel like they’ve lost connection with you. It’s unsettling, and they don’t know how to deal with it.  Real Life vs. the Online WorldIn real life (aka not online), when there is an interruption, the other person can see what’s happening. There is etiquette that we practice around this. With real-life interruptions, like an in-person conversation or a phone call, your child sees the other person or hears the phone ring, watches you pick it up and hears you speaking to the person on the other end. They experience it along with you. We also usually explain what is happening. We say, “Excuse me for a minute, I need to step outside and talk to my colleague.” You probably give them something else to do, like look at a book or color a picture. We communicate a lot of information and let them occupy themselves. You pause and provide a little mental map so that your child knows what is happening. They don’t see you as absent for an unknown amount of time. Online interruptions are not something your child can embody in this way. It’s nothing they can see or hear. What they see is that you are leaving them, you’re distracted and you seem to drift away. The goal here is not to never be on your phone. That just isn’t realistic for most of us. What I want you to do is begin to practice communicating to your child what it is you're doing. Strategies for Better Phone Etiquette Around KidsKids under 10 years old really don’t have the ability to cognitively connect dots. That’s why it’s so important for you to narrate and communicate what is going on to help your child understand what’s happening. These strategies also help us to have a healthier relationship with our technology, create better boundaries about when we use technology and when we don't and decide on times that we want to fully connect with our kids. Retrain your brain. The pings and dings coming from your phone create a sense of urgency to respond. But that urgency is fake. Very few things actually need your attention right then and there. Slowing down and remembering that this is not an emergency will help you so much. Turn off notifications or put your phone on “do not disturb”. This gives you more power over when you interact with your device. Pause and communicate what’s happening. Let your child know what you’re doing, how long it's going to take and give them a litt

Today on the podcast, registered psychotherapist, art therapist and author Amelia Knott is helping us discover the art of thriving online and sharing ways to reconnect with yourself, your thoughts and your sense of wellbeing.You’ll Learn: Common challenges that result from the online space and being constantly connectedHow to reconcile the good and bad of the internet and social mediaWhat art therapy is and how it helps us connect with ourselves and our needsIdeas for starting your own creative practiceEven (or especially) if you don’t think of yourself as an artist, stick around. This is not like your middle school art class! ----------------------------------Amelia Knott is a Registered Psychotherapist + Art Therapist. She's also an artist, content creator and author. Her book The Art Of Thriving Online was recently published. Her mission is to support people in their mental health by combining psychotherapy, counseling and art making.Art as TherapyAmelia’s passion for this work came from profound experiences as a young person who was given the opportunity to use her creativity to work through significant grief and trauma. She explains that, for many of us, language can feel quite limiting. It can be difficult to put our feelings into words. But art, whether it be writing, collaging, painting, drawing or any other creative medium, allows us to tap into our intuition and deeper parts of ourselves. Art creates another access point to emotional regulation, communication, self soothing and self awareness. It has the capacity to surprise us when we look at something from another vantage point and helps us grapple with two things being true at the same time. Art gives us agency in what type of art we create, what materials we use and what we choose to do with them. It allows us to practice being imperfect without consequences. Whereas a drawing or painting class is focused on teaching a technical skill (and may end up making you feel like you aren’t a creative person at all), art therapy is much more about how the process feels. The final product isn’t so important. It’s about finding meaning in creating it.  Challenges in the Online WorldIn her new book, The Art of Thriving Online, Amelia helps us bring awareness to how our online existence might be impacting us. While we both agree that there is a lot of value to the online space, it also comes with a lot of challenges. In many cases, it messes with our attention, sets an unrealistic standard and gives the sense that the world is more divided, scary and dangerous than it actually is. Pretty much all online platforms, from social media to ecommerce and news websites, are designed to keep us engaged for as long as possible. They’re also designed to make it hard to stop. There’s no limit to what you could discover or feel inspired by, which means there’s also no limit to the things you could miss out on. You could scroll forever, but it often pulls us away from what we truly want and need. Because of this pull and easy access to a screen that is distracting us in 10 different ways at once, our attention is fractured. It becomes hard for us to focus and actually get stuff done, which leads to overwhelm. We’re no longer accustomed to spending time getting a task or set of tasks done all at once. Our nervous systems get activated by the type of information we’re fed online. In an effort to hold our attention, more “captivating” content (i.e. content that is inflammatory, divisive, negative or scary) is usually pushed out more readily than positive and hopeful posts and articles.Comparison is also a huge challenge in the online space, particularly on social media. We’re not just comparing ourselves to people we see in real life (which can be unhealthy already). We’re comparing ourselves to curated, filtered feeds. The pressure we feel to do things differently or better can be devastating. This is a big one in motherhood, especially if moms are isolated.  Defining WellnessWellness means something different for each of us. Amelia talks about helping people become the author of their own definition of wellness. She doesn’t believe in a one-size-fits-all solution. Rather, it’s something we all have to figure out for ourselves. A lot of what we see about wellness online are things that can be sold, performed or shown. But what about creating metrics like how many books you read with your kids this week or how many times you got out into nature?What does it mean for you to be well? How will you know if you’re well? She says, “if we don’t author those definitions for ourselves, then the default is gonna be whatever performs well in an algorithm.” It’s also important to be flexible, give ourselves grace and know that our definition will evolve and change. It’s not a failure if you can’t keep up with a new habit. It might just be a sign

Just like the rest of the body, your brain needs times of attention, focus and activity as well as times of rest. Today, I’m talking about two different networks within the brain and how to toggle between them. It will help you understand how to get your brain to do more and rest better so you can feel more focused and less overwhelmed. You’ll Learn:What the Task Positive Network and Default Mode Network do in your brain and why they’re both importantWhen and how to toggle between the two networksDifferences between neurotypical and ADHD brainsWhy screen free default mode is importantStrategies for getting more high quality rest for your brainYou can apply this to your own life and also use it to understand what’s going on for your kid when you’re trying to get their attention. You’ll learn how to create better quality downtime for yourself and how to help your kids get back on task when it’s time. ----------------------------Understanding The Networks in Your BrainThe two networks we’re talking about today are called the Default Mode Network and Task Positive Network. Default Mode Network (DMN). This network is exactly what it sounds like - it’s our brain’s default. You can think of it as wakeful or active rest. You’re not really thinking about or focusing on anything in particular. Your mind gets to wander. It’s where we daydream and let our imaginations go free. This is the part of the brain that helps integrate what you've learned and take it from short term memory into long term memory. The DMN is not present minded. It helps you relive the past, reflect on things that happened, and also imagine the future. It’s linked with bigger picture thinking.However, this part of your brain can also be a little like a toddler in a toy store. Without any boundaries, it’s going to go everywhere and be really scattered. For many of us, our unchecked brain defaults to a negative perspective. We get into fear-based and anxious overthinking or ruminating. You might find yourself over-processing the past and anticipating the future. So instead of the daydreaming creating a happy, relaxed state, you end up spiraling into negative anguish. The DMN can be a very positive place if we harness it a little bit. We can train our brain to make this network a really safe, fun place to be (more on that later). Task Positive Network (TPN). This is the network where your brain is very active, and you’re doing tasks that require your conscious attention. Here, you’re processing sensory input, working with your short-term memory, thinking abstractly and solving problems. As a parent, you spend a lot of time in the Task Positive Network throughout the day. You’re focused on all sorts of tasks - scheduling, meal planning and preparation, keeping up with homework and school papers, and so many other pieces. Your brain goes into overload, and you end up feeling overwhelmed or burned out. At its best, TPN is sometimes also called “flow”. It’s when you are really focused on what you’re doing and tuning out everything else. The brain loves to be in TPN and this flow state, but it takes a lot of work to stay there, and it’s easy to get distracted. If you see a person with ADHD, anxiety or depression, they often say things like, “I can’t even think straight,” “I can’t seem to get anything done.” This is probably because they aren't able to stay in TPN long enough to achieve something. This distractibility is becoming more and more common, even in people without ADHD, because as a society, we’re spending less time in the TPN. It’s like a muscle that we need to train so that we can stay on track. Some things that pull us out of TPN are boredom and input from the environment like phone notifications or kids interrupting your flow.  Get Your Brain to Do More and Rest Better with TogglingThe neural network in your brain works a little like a seesaw. It toggles between on-task and off-task or between inattention, default attention and intentional attention. Our goal is to have a little more control about when we go back and forth between the two networks and to be able to spend longer periods of time in each. We want to be in control of what our brain is doing and regulate ourselves. In a neurotypical brain, when one network is up, the other is down. With an ADHD brain, the Default Mode Network is more powerful. It shouts louder than the Task Positive Network, so it is much harder to switch into TPN and stay there. However, if the ADHD brain is able to get to TPN, they can stay there much longer. The first step in gaining more intentional control over your brain is noticing and being more aware. Getting into TPN is more difficult when you’re mentally overloaded, fatigued or stressed. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or easily distracted, it’s a good sign that you need to focus on getting some quality rest time before trying to get back to tasks.&nbs

In this episode I'm talking about what I call the screentime dilemma - basically the overwhelm and frustration you feel around figuring out screens. I’m helping you understand why it feels so hard and why it actually falls outside of your wheelhouse as a parent. You’ll Learn:Why figuring out screentime is so confusingHow screentime is following in the footsteps of driving, smoking and dietary recommendationsCurrent best practices for kids and screensWhat I’d do about screens if I ran the governmentWith tech and screens, we’re all making it up as we go along. And - news flash! - it’s not working out very well. Listen to learn how to handle this confusing topic in your family.-----------------------------------There are a lot of areas of parenting where you know what’s best. Adults need about 8 hours of sleep every night. You shouldn’t eat a bunch of sugar at every meal. Your kid can’t drive until they have a license. For these things, there are laws or guidelines that give you a mental map for how things should go.The Screentime DilemmaIn my opinion, screentime limits are a little above our pay grade as moms. It’s kinda the Wild West of parenting, because there aren’t a lot of guidelines or oversight. So, you have to be the sheriff in a house full of robbers that want it all the time. You don’t really know what the rules are supposed to be or how to enforce them. There’s no Surgeon General’s warning or food pyramid of screens. And you’re (probably) not an expert on childhood development and the human brain.So we, as regular people, are left trying to figure out what’s normal and what’s best for our kids. No wonder you’re overwhelmed!Guidelines in Our SocietyIn this little history lesson of rules and guidelines in our American society, you’ll see that when something new comes around, it takes almost an entire generation to set clear rules around it. And until the government realizes that something is causing a problem or that our kids need to be protected, we’re pretty much on our own.  Here are a few examples…Cars. The first car was invented by Carl Benz in 1886. It was 20 years before states slowly started to require a driver's license, and it was even longer before age restrictions came into play. It was 30 years before the first stop sign was installed and 66 years until the seat belt was created. 70 years after the first car, driver’s licenses were required nationwide in the United States.In the beginning, there were no rules or restrictions, and now there are a lot. As a society, we agree that an 8-year-old shouldn’t drive a car. We’ve decided that somewhere around 16 or 17, people are mature enough to handle a vehicle, but we don’t yet know how old someone should be to handle the internet.Food. Prior to the 1960s, most food was prepared at home with basic ingredients. After World War II ended, manufacturing shifted from creating machinery and supplies for the war to machinery for the home and agriculture. The way we processed, stored and distributed food changed. More cheap, processed foods solved the problem of there not being enough food to go around, but we also created poorer quality food in order to get it to more people. 20 to 30 years later, the Surgeon General started to notice that nutrition and health were decreasing in our society, and chronic diseases were on the rise. Mandatory nutrition labeling on all packaged food went into effect in the 1990s, but a lot of consumers didn’t really know much about carbs, fiber, sugar or calories, so they created food guides.When I was a kid, we had the 4 basic food groups as our guideline. Then came the pyramid, which was just confusing, and now we have the simplified “My Plate” model. The purpose of these is to help you, the consumer, make an informed decision about what food you are serving to yourself and your family. I think that this is what technology guidelines will ultimately look like - the “My Plate” of screentime. The government essentially says, “Here’s all the food at the market. You can have it all, but these are the best practices for your children.”Smoking. The technology and agricultural revolution also made cigarettes easier to get, so more people started smoking. Again, the government started to see the impact on health in the form of a lung cancer epidemic. When the evidence became so clear it could not be ignored or denied, more rules came in.First, we saw the Surgeon General’s warning published in 1964 and added to labels the following year. TV and radio advertising were banned and age limits were put into place. Screentime Best PracticesThe Internet has been around for about 20 years now (more intensely since smartphones became common), and we’re starting to see that there is foundational harm to kids. They are deprived socially, sleep is impacted, attention is fragmented and it creates addictive tendencies. The good news is that answers are coming. The Surgeon General of the U

One of my kids has pretty severe ADHD. When he was younger, it showed up a lot in the form of hyperactivity and impulse control. The challenges have evolved as he’s gotten older. Today, I’m talking about my experience of parenting a kid with ADHD and sharing what I’ve learned along the way.You’ll Learn:Why ADHD is about way more than behaviorsWhat it’s like to experience our modern world with an ADHD brainHow societal expectations for order can clash with the spontaneous and creative nature of those with ADHD.What ADHD brains need and how to give it to your kidI’m not an expert on ADHD. I’m a parent who’s been there, and I’ve helped lots of other parents navigate life with a neurodivergent kid, too. Listen in to learn strategies you can use to help your kid and work with their unique brain.-----------------------------------Rethinking ADHDMy goal is to help you understand ADHD more, because the more you understand, the more you can help your child understand. The more you understand what's going on for them, the more compassion you'll have and then the less critical you will be. When someone is neurotypical, it simply means that their brain is developing in a typical way, they’re hitting common milestones, etc. With a neurodivergent brain, a child will hit milestones at a different pace, and different challenges will come up. Their development is diverging from the typical path.It's important that you don't compare your child's development with their peers who are neurotypical. Instead, you want to compare your child's development to themselves - their past self to their present self and their future self. The sooner you're able to recognize that they're on their own timetable, the less frustrated you'll be when you see some of the traits and behaviors that come up with ADHD. The ADHD ExperienceThe main three features of ADHD are attention deficit, impulse control issues and hyperactivity. Imagine being in a really crowded room, and everyone around you is talking all at once. No one's talking to you, but you're hearing everybody talking. Then, somebody suddenly asks you what the person next to you just said. You would have no idea, because you weren't listening to that one person. You were listening to the entire room speak. When there’s a lot of stimulation, noise or activity, an ADHD brain can’t figure out what it’s supposed to be paying attention to. This is the “attention deficit” piece. Overstimulation is very overwhelming for someone with ADHD. Attention deficit can also look like someone putting their attention on the “wrong” thing. And it’s difficult for an ADHD brain to change direction once it gets going. It’s like a train stuck rolling down a track, but it’s not the track that we want it to be on. We want them to slow down or change direction, but the braking system is very difficult to activate. Impulse control is also common with ADHD. These kids might have more trouble with delaying gratification, procrastinating, understanding how time works or creating a plan or sequence of events.Hyperactivity can also be thought of as hyper-arousal. In daily life, you might notice behaviors like:Missing details or making careless mistakesNot staying on taskSeeming to not hear when spoken toTrouble organizing tasks or creating orderLosing things easilyBeing easily distracted or forgetful in daily activitiesRestlessness, getting out of their seat, always on the goTalking excessively, interrupting or blurting out answers in schoolTrouble waiting to take turnsAvoiding tasks that take a lot of mental effortAll of these behaviors are common, to some degree, in young kids. When we see traits that are atypical for their age (i.e. most other kids their age have outgrown them), that’s when we think something else might be going on. Encouraging Positive Self-ConceptA lot of kids who grow up with ADHD end up with a negative self concept. They might be labeled as lazy, stupid, a troublemaker or problem child. They’re told that they aren’t reaching their full potential or that they’re too much. The child then often feels isolated, misunderstood, broken or like they just plain suck. They go into adulthood with a collection of negative thoughts about themselves. I don’t want your kid to spend their 20s and 30s healing from that (and I know you don’t either). Instead, we want to give them the awareness, positive mindset, tools and coping skills they need to grow into emotionally healthy adults.The way Brené Brown explains the difference between shame and guilt is a helpful example here. Guilt is recognizing that you did something wrong. It’s external. Shame is when you internalize that and make it about who you are. It is internal.It’s the difference between, “I did something wrong,” and “I am wrong.”The same concept can be applied to the ADHD brain. We want to help our kids understand that their brain is driving their behavior, but ADHD is not who they

A manifesto is a list of principles to help guide you how you want to live each day. Maybe you’ve made one before and didn’t even realize it. Today I’m sharing my parenting manifesto and showing you how to create one of your own.You’ll Learn:What a manifesto is and why it is so helpful in parentingThe commitments behind my parenting manifestoWhat I would add or change if I wrote mine over againHow to create and use your own parenting manifestoI first went through the process of creating a manifesto in a business coaching program years ago. And I realized that, if raising my children is the most important thing in the world to me, I also wanted to have a list of principles to commit to as a parent. ----------------------------------The Calm Mama ManifestoThis manifesto is included in the Calm Mama Handbook that all of my clients get. You can also click here to download a printable PDF.This particular manifesto is not our family’s. It is mine. This is what I wanted to commit to as my kids’ mom. It’s also represents what I help other moms do inside my programs. Parenting is my opportunity for growth. I wanted to look at this experience of raising children as an opportunity to become a more whole and healed person. To invite learning in and not fight against the obstacles that come with parenting. Demonstrate love without condition, no matter what they say or do. I didn't want to be a parent that only showed love, kindness or care to my kids when they were being good. I would not just love my kids. I would demonstrate that love, and I would never pull it away. Listen with curiosity and compassion. I wanted to commit to listening to my children and being curious about their lives, their thoughts and their interests. I chose to think that they are really interesting people and to listen to them because I want to get to know them. I also wanted to listen with compassion to understand what is driving their behavior.Model work, play and rest. I wanted to be a parent who showed them what hard work looked like. I also actively chose to be a playful parent and bring in strategies that teachers would use to connect and play with kids. And I let my children see me rest. Provide. I always say that you can give your kids access and opportunity, but you can’t make them take the opportunity. My manifesto includes providing food, shelter, education, opportunity, support, advice, guidance, modeling and love. Take care of myself so they don’t have to.  My mom didn't always really take good care of herself, and she allowed her health to deteriorate, which created problems for me in adulthood. I decided I was going to be healthy and strong. I would eat well, move my body, manage my stress, have a good social life and have meaning and purpose in my life. Be comfortable with my kid’s discomfort.  No matter what is going on for them, no matter how overwhelmed or stressed or sad or mad or hurt or confused they are, I am going to be okay with the mess that they bring to me. I'm not going to let it rile me up or tip me over. I’ll be the anchor in a storm of their life. Show up for them, not for me. I didn't want to make their life about myself. I wanted to parent for them; not because I got something out of it. They have a whole life and a whole set of choices that I actually don't control. I'm letting myself be okay with that.Respect myself and my boundaries. I believe that what I want is valuable and important, and I am worthy of my boundary. I don't have to wait for my children to respect me in order to feel respected.Be forgiving, and admit when I am wrong. I will forgive my kids when they make mistakes and not hold it against them. When I’ve done something wrong, I will admit it. Speak kindly. I don't swear at my children. I don't insult them. I don't criticize them. I'm not mean. I wanted to speak kindly and patiently and lovingly as much as I possibly could.Be 100% honest. I still let my kids believe in fantastical childhood things, but I wasn’t a sneaky mom. I decided to tell it like it is when tough things were going on in our lives. If they ask me a question, I give them an honest answer. Radical love, radical grace, radical listening. I am willing to go above and beyond to show love where it doesn't even make sense anymore. I'm willing to give grace, the benefit of the doubt, forgiveness and mercy. I listen on a deep level to what my kids are saying (and not saying) without judgment. Let them make mistakes. I actively chose to let my kids fail (and they have). I let them make mistakes and then let them fix those mistakes. See them as they are and allow them to change. It’s hard for a lot of parents to parent the kid in front of you - not the one you wish you had or the one you’re afraid they’ll become. Meet them where they are. Observe the behavior rather than judging. Then, le

Today on the podcast, I am interviewing Tracey Yokas, the author of Bloodlines: A Memoir of Harm and Healing. She is here to share her experience of navigating a teen mental health crisis with her own daughter, including the struggles and what she learned through the process that helped them both cope and heal. You’ll Learn:The true cause of eating disorders (it goes much deeper than you might think)A mindset flip to help you navigate hard timesWhy addressing the behavior is not a long-term solutionHow to support yourself so you can show up for your child when they’re strugglingToday, 10 years later, Tracey’s daughter, Faith, is healthy, and they have a beautiful relationship. I think you’ll love this conversation about compassion, sitting with your child in the struggle, hope and much more.---------------------------------Prior to writing her recent book, Tracy earned her master's degree in counseling psychology, and she lives in Newbury Park, California with her family, her cats and her fish. And when she's not writing about mental health, she can be found playing with paint, glitter, and glue. She loves to bring people together through art in order to help women in their journey towards authenticity. A Teen in CrisisI’ve described Tracey’s book as a story about healing from grief. In this case, Tracey’s mom passed away suddenly. Her daughter, Faith, had been close to her grandmother, and her grief showed up in the form of eating disorder, self harm, depression and anxiety. Faith’s first symptom appeared about three weeks after Tracey’s mom died. She suddenly wasn’t as hungry as she usually was. She began eating less, and that quickly escalated into not wanting to eat anything at all. Tracey knew pretty quickly that she was not consuming enough food to stay healthy. Faith also started doing self harm in the form of cutting.Tracey describes the overall experience of this time as devastating. Their lives were “normal”. Then, it was like a switch was flipped and it no longer was. It was isolating, terrifying, as if the rug had been pulled out from under their feet. Tracey withdrew from her friends and activities and committed (to an unhealthy degree) to her daughter’s recovery. She did the research, read the books, went to the appointments - did everything she could to try to solve the problem. She now sees that she was operating under a lot of false assumptions about what she was supposed to do and how she was supposed to be. And wounds from earlier in her own life were exacerbated by this perceived loss of control over her family’s well being. There were so many pieces that came together to heal Faith, Tracey and the rest of their family, including residential treatment, individual, couple and family therapy. Tracey says that, for them, learning to truly understand compassion between human beings was a “hugely life changing” part of the process. Unhealthy Coping StrategiesAs we talk about so often on this podcast, all behavior is a strategy to communicate, cope, or change our circumstance. Tracey’s story is no different. Through this crisis, she learned that eating disorders are really about someone struggling in their own life with powerlessness, control issues and low self esteem. It’s much deeper and more complicated than wanting to look thinner. In the book, she says, “Eating disorders are an unhealthy attempt to change low self esteem, and their coping mechanism for being terrified of not measuring up.”Often, eating disorder and self harm behaviors like cutting go hand-in-hand. You might see someone get into healthier eating habits, but then the cutting resurfaces, or vice versa. It’s an attempt to replace one coping strategy with another. Symptoms keep popping up because there is a deeper root cause that hasn’t been healed. When you understand that disordered eating, self harm or other symptoms are a strategy for something that's going on inside, you can realize that it's not against you as the parent. It's not personal. It's not because you did something wrong. Tracey shares that, looking back, she thinks it did her family a disservice to be so hyper-focused on the behavior. This is easy to do because the behavior is what you see. It is what scares and overwhelms you. But it’s also easy to get lost in the behavior (the symptom) and lose sight of compassion for the deeper struggle.  Navigating a Teen Mental Health CrisisWhen Tracey saw her daughter suffering in this way, she says she hit an emotional rock bottom. The baggage she’d been carrying with her throughout her life came to the surface. She realized that she couldn’t actually control anyone but herself. As a mom, you’re going to want to eliminate the pain for your child. You want to fix things for them. But you can only actually do your own work. Tracey breaks down her healing journey into three parts: self care, self trust and self love. Self care. Tracey shares t

Today on Become A Calm Mama, you get double the parent coaches! My guest, Eileen Devine, specializes in supporting parents who are raising kids with neurobehavioral conditions. Signs that your child might be struggling with a neurobehavioral conditionCommon challenges for kids with neurobehavioral conditions and their parentsEileen’s favorite mantra for difficult moments3 key factors to find strategies that work for your kid’s brainListen as Eileen’s shares her “brain first” approach to parenting, along with practical strategies to support your child and yourself as you figure out what works best for your kid’s unique brain.--------------------------------If your child is experiencing a neurobehavioral condition or if you’re seeing behavior that seems really out of bounds, extreme or scary, this episode will give you hope and tools for a calmer future.Eileen Devine works in Portland, OR as a therapist and coach supporting parents of children with special needs. Eileen has over 15 years of clinical experience and is the adoptive mother of a child with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD), a serious neurobehavioral condition. She believes that when we understand the way a child's brain works, we then understand the meaning behind challenging behaviors. You’ve probably heard me say that feelings drive behavior. Eileen will show you how the way your child’s brain interprets the world influences their behavior, too.  What Are Neurobehavioral Conditions?Simply put, neurobehavioral conditions happen when someone’s brain works differently. As a result, a person experiences the world differently than society expects, and it can show up in behaviors. There are a lot of reasons why this can happen (sometimes we know the reason, and sometimes we don’t). There might be a medical diagnosis of ADHD, autism, fetal alcohol spectrum disorder or prenatal or postnatal trauma. Neurobehavioral conditions can also show up in kids with neuroimmune conditions, brain inflammation or rare seizure disorders. Eileen explains that, while some parents get a clear diagnosis or explanation of the cause of their child’s condition, not all do. And it can be discouraging for parents to relentlessly search for a diagnosis, thinking it will tell them everything they need to know.The fact is that all of these diagnoses point to the brain, and no matter the cause, you need to work with the symptoms to see behavioral change. Parenting Mindset Shifts The behaviors that come with neurobehavioral conditions can be really challenging for parents. You might struggle with deeply held beliefs about what it looks like to parent a child of a certain age. It’s easy to become reactive when your child is rigid in their thoughts or lacks tolerance for minor frustrations or can’t understand other people’s perspectives. You might even make that leap that these are more than behaviors - they are your kid’s character. It’s scary to think that your child isn’t growing into a good person.But your child is not their behavior. And with these brain-based differences, it will be necessary to make certain accommodations. A major mind shift that Eileen helps her clients make is realizing that these behaviors are not because your child doesn’t care. They’re not lazy. They’re not manipulating you. They might simply be in an environment or have expectations on them that they don’t have the skills to meet right now. Some other mindset shifts that Eileen loves can also be used as mantras when you’re in a difficult moment:My child would be doing better if they could.This is as hard as I think it is. And also, I’m going to be okay.Stay soft. I am dealing with this.Another major shift comes when you can fully accept who your child is. From this place, you can begin to set yourself up so that you have the endurance to parent your unique child for the remainder of their life, even when many people in our society won’t understand. A Brain First Approach to ParentingIt’s one thing to understand that your child’s brain works differently. It’s another thing entirely to figure out how to manage your relationship and their behaviors on a daily basis. The brain first lens is really two sides of the same coin. One side is about your kid’s neurobiology, how their brain works differently and their fragile nervous system. The other side is about regulating your own nervous system.Just as we start with Calm and taking a pause break in the Calm Mama world, Eileen encourages parents to take a second between their initial, visceral reaction and what they do next. As long as everyone is safe, focus on calming yourself.She says, “It really is a waste of a parent's precious and limited energy to try to do anything else except to regulate their own nervous system.” Stop talking, stop reacting. Give yourself permission and however much time it takes to regulate yourself so that you can come back and l

Recently, the U.S. Surgeon General issued an advisory saying that parents aren’t ok. There’s a lot that goes into raising emotionally healthy kids, and a huge part of it is your own mental health, including how you handle stress and negative emotions. In today’s episode, I’m breaking down this 36-page advisory and sharing some of the highlights (or lowlights) of the report in simple terms.You’ll Learn:Why parents are so stressed out (it’s not just you)The problems with parent stressThe Surgeon General’s recommendations for supporting parents in our societyWhat you can do to better manage your stressI find it encouraging that someone in a position to make change is acknowledging this problem. And I hope that as I talk about the issue of parent stress, you feel seen and it helps you understand what’s going on for you. ------------------------------------Why is Stress a Problem for Parents?Your mental health affects the well-being of your children. When you have a lot of stress in your life, particularly if it is severe or prolonged, it’s going to have an effect on you. And the way you handle it is going to affect your kid.If you’re dumping your stress or negative emotions on your kid, emotionally checking out or not doing things that need to be done because you’re overwhelmed, it might create a problem for your child. The Surgeon General says, “The stresses parents and caregivers have today are being passed to children in direct and indirect ways, impacting families and communities across America.”We live in a society and parenting culture where stress is pervasive. And this stress on parents impacts the health and well-being of our entire society.  The Parents Aren’t OkAs I outline these different types of practical, mental and emotional stress, you might relate to some and not others. Notice what is causing you the most stress right now. Parenting itself is stressful. We’ve known this forever, right? You’ll experience different stressors during different developmental stages, but they all have their own challenges. I talked more about the 3 stages of parenting on the podcast a few weeks ago.Money and financial strain. Financial worries continue to be a top stressor among parents. We likely all feel some level of financial insecurity, if not for ourselves then for our kids’ futures. And if your family struggles to even meet your child's basic needs, pay for child care costs, and provide for health and education expenses, the stress is more intense. Time. The amount of time parents spend directly caring for their kids has increased significantly in the past 40-ish years, but we still have the same number of hours in the day. When you’re trying to balance work, kids, aging parents, and other responsibilities, of course you’re feeling conflicted, guilty and burned out.Mental load. There's a significant amount of mental labor involved with parenting - Balancing complex schedules, anticipating your kid’s needs, making hundreds of decisions a day on behalf of them, monitoring their progress. When so much mental capacity goes to your kid, there isn’t a lot left to focus on other things. It can negatively impact your own cognitive functioning and psychological well-being. Because when you are consumed by thinking about someone else's well-being, you're not thinking about yours. This is one of the big reasons why self-care is so hard for moms. Fears about your kid’s mental and physical health & safety. We see that our kids are vulnerable, and it’s scary. From gun violence to drugs and alcohol and bullying. There are a lot of safety concerns. Plus, the report shares that “nearly 3-in-4 parents are extremely or somewhat worried that their child will struggle with anxiety or depression.”Concerns and confusion over tech & social media. According to the advisory, “Nearly 70% of parents say parenting is now more difficult than it was 20 years ago, with children’s use of technology and social media as the top two cited reasons.”Cultural Pressure. It’s very common for parents to perceive that everybody else is doing it right, and you're doing it wrong. You might think there’s some standard or expectation that you aren’t meeting. These might come from culture, comparing yourself with other moms, your own parents, etc.Our children’s future. We don’t understand the future. Things are changing so quickly, and we don’t know how to set our kids up for success. You cannot prepare your child for everything in the future, and trying to do so leads to burnout. Parental Isolation and Loneliness: The Surgeon General states that, “Social isolation and lack of social support can lead to heightened stress.” When you are alone and you feel like you're not doing a good job, you're going to feel more stressed. You’ll think you need to do more, do better, and this just leads to burnout. Let me be clear: If you're feeling s

Today I’m talking about Venmo moms, volunteer moms and everything in between. If you haven’t heard of a “Venmo mom”, it’s a term that’s been going around on TikTok and Instagram lately. Essentially, a Venmo mom is someone who isn't really interested in being a hands-on volunteer with their kid’s school, team, etc. They wanna just send some money to support those programs. You’ll Learn:Why Venmo moms and volunteer moms may not be so different from each otherThe good, bad and ugly of volunteeringWhy there’s so much mama drama, especially in the elementary school yearsHow to start showing up as whatever kind of mom you want to beIn my opinion, one is not better than the other, but we can learn something from both approaches.---------------------------Venmo MomsI recently saw a TikTok from @nealfamilychaos, who was talking about how she doesn’t want to do all the hands-on stuff, but when she just sends cash, she feels judged by other parents who volunteer a lot. She said, “I don't want to be on PTO, PTA, room mom, team mom. I don't want to do any of that.” And she said that she feels really stressed when they start asking for volunteers. Her video went viral, and there were a lot of comments from other moms who felt the same way. Even moms who do volunteer shared how much they appreciate the moms who send in money. There’s a place for everyone. It's easy to compare yourself to other moms and to judge yourself or think that other people are judging you. But the truth is that there are so many ways to be a mom, and we all have different capacities and amounts of time, energy and money. I love this TikTok mom for owning her own story and reality. She’s okay with who she is and the way she’s willing (and not willing) to contribute. You can let your no be no - No, thank you. I'm not interested. I'm not available. I'm not open to volunteering this year. That's not gonna work for me. And just let that be okay. You're doing your best. You're doing what is right for your family, what works for your kids or you or your finances or your time or your energy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.  Volunteer MomsThere are benefits to being involved, on the inside and having some influence, but it can also come with a lot of demands, pressure and time. I’ve been the volunteer mom at certain stages. The first year my oldest son was in elementary school, I really didn’t know anything about our Parent Faculty Association, and I didn’t want to do anything. Over time, I started to get more involved. I became a room parent, started to take on some leadership roles and eventually became the president of our PFA. There’s a lot of unpaid labor in the mom world, and this video really made me think about all the things we’re paying for - either with our money, our time or both. It brought up some questions for me that you can use to determine where you want your time, energy and dollars to go. Is it necessary? Maybe we don’t actually need to be doing all this stuff for our kids. Maybe we don’t need a special treat after every soccer game. Some of the things that have become expected or the norm really might not be necessary at all. And by overparenting, we’re creating too much work for ourselves. How can we distribute the workload? Of course, some things are necessary. It’s not fair for the stay-at-home parent or the primary parent to be giving all of their time and energy to the school. It’s a huge sacrifice. Can we outsource or do things in a different way that puts less burden on the parents? It’s not really cool that we’ve built a society that is dependent on the unpaid labor of parents. If there’s a group of parents who are willing to give money but don’t want to volunteer, can they hire someone to do what needs to be done? What are you getting out of it? Personally, I got a lot out of volunteering when my kids were in elementary school. I got to know the teacher really well, along with the other kids in the class. I met some of the other parents and got to connect with them. I grew in my leadership, relational skills, problem solving, decision making and conflict resolution. I learned Google Docs and how to manage a huge budget. Ask yourself what you want from your volunteer experience (if you choose to get involved). Maybe you want a challenge or to meet new people. There are growth opportunities there if you’re willing and able to pay the cost in time and energy.  Creating a No-Judgment ZoneThe ugly parts come in when the drama begins. This can be true of any organization, but seems even more intense with elementary school moms because there are so many expectations, hopes, dreams, needs & fears they have for their kids and the school experience. When you put a lot of that anxious, perfectionist energy together, there’s going to be some drama and chaos. Venmo moms aren’t the only ones who face judgment. Ther