The Difference Between Mean & Firm [Stop Yelling Series, part 8]

Ever feel like you are a mean mom? The difference between being mean and being firm can be confusing. A lot of moms think that when they are firm with their children, they are being mean.

You’ll Learn:

1. How to tell the difference between firmness and meanness as a mom
2. What to do when you’ve been mean toward your kid
3. Why building firm, strong leadership in your family is so important

Get clear on the difference between being firm and mean and what to do when you’ve actually been mean with your child.

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The Difference Between Being Mean & Firm

I want you to know…

1. Using a firm voice isn’t mean.
2. Keeping people safe isn’t mean.
3. Having limits isn’t mean.
4. Enforcing your boundaries isn’t mean.
5. Following through on consequences isn’t mean.

Being mean is when you hurt your child’s body. It’s when the moment of holding their arm to protect yourself or others becomes you squeezing too hard, or shoving their body away.

Being mean with your mouth is when you personalize your kid’s behavior or mistakes and say something about them as a person.

There might be a moment or many moments when you’ve been physical with your child in a way that crossed a line. Or moments when you’ve called your child a mean name. Or lectured them into shutdown mode. Cornered them with your rage.

1. Lectures are often mean.
2. Insults are mean.
3. Name calling is mean.
4. Physical aggression is mean.
5. Threats are mean.
6. Sometimes rescuing your kid from a mistake is mean.

What To Do When You’ve Been a Mean Mom

As you hear me share examples in this episode, you might be flooded with shame and guilt.

The way to get out of that shame and guilt is to talk about these moments. To find out what was going on for you in that moment. To be tender enough with yourself that you can say what you did, and ALSO explore what led up to that moment. You can’t change something if you won’t look at it.

The best thing you can do is find your firm, strong, leadership voice as a mom. Get clear on what is and what is not allowed in your family. Be firm, without being harsh.

I’ll leave you with this quote from one of my clients who said “Firm limits are the shortcut to the behavior you want without making your kid feel like shit in the process”. Yep. Firm, but not mean. You’ve got this.

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

1. Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
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