All Episodes — Abject Suffering

Ep 376Abject Suffering 376: Ariel the Little Mermaid

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<html>You may be thinking, "Hey guys! That Capcom NES Little Mermaid game wasn't bad! What gives?" And you're right. The only crime that game commits is being too simple. This week, we're talking about the very bad Little Mermaid game made for the Sega Genesis, which looked at the Dam level from TMNT and said "hold my conch".</html>

Nov 16, 202039 min

Ep 375Abject Suffering 375: Battletoads

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<html>Imagine, if you will, a kind of battling toad. Nobody asked for this episode, we just felt like talking about it. Rare's darling baby that launched a thousand memes, about things ranging from its difficulty to its availability in stores. We don't care for it very much! But we only talk a little bit about why the game doesn't work, and spend most of our time talking about the Dark Queen's Pixar ass, horrible holiday memories, and comparative power ratings of the toad boys.</html>

Nov 9, 20201h 1m

Ep 374Abject Suffering 374: Arctic alive

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<html>This survival horror/survival sim set in an arctic base is notable for one reason: It was made entirely in Blender, which is not a game engine. It would be like somehow making a JRPG run in MS Paint. Other than that, it's got a baffling "barely translated" charm... so instead, we talk about how Gary recently developed hypothermia in his house.</html>

Nov 2, 202027 min

Ep 373Abject Suffering 373: Whiteboyz Wit' Attitude: The Pursuit of Money

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<html>We need to re-calibrate what constitutes an "Abject Suffering Emergency". It's hard to tell how earnest the Whiteboyz Wit' Attitude are. On one hand, the music is pretty bad and farcical, but on the other hand, they've been at it for many years. This Steam game is a gussied up sales pitch for their compilation album, featuring some limited rhythm gameplay set to their low production value videos.</html>

Oct 26, 202040 min

Ep 372Abject Suffering 372: Rockstar!

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<html>This is our second rock band management sim this year, and it's by far the superior to "Rock Star Ate My Hamster". The drug fixation aside, this is a fun little Lemonade Stand sim that has a fair bit of complexity and some of the best procedurally generated names we've seen.<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNVv9y63Kkw" target="_blank">Special Thanks to Beyond Reason for the theme song remix.</a></html>

Oct 19, 202041 min

Ep 371Abject Suffering 371: McPixel

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<html>This week we look at a humble, gag-based point and click puzzle game that's a parody of a parody of MacGuyver. We also talk about the 1994 Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito film Junior. At length.</html>

Oct 12, 202050 min

Ep 370Abject Suffering 370: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

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<html>They turned a good book into a very frustrating text adventure.</html>

Oct 5, 202026 min

Ep 369Abject Suffering 369: Hareraiser

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<html>Back in the late '70s and early '80s, Britain was overtaken by treasure hunt fever, sparked by a childrens' book called The Masquerade and its promises of a valuable gold rabbit for anyone clever enough to solve its puzzles. The contest ended in allegations of fraud, and this cursed rabbit went on to become the basis for an outright scam called Hareraiser, a duo of games for microcomputers that were little more than unsolvable messes. The gold rabbit was auctioned off when the company was liquidated, and we were left with one of the worst "games" in all of history.</html>

Sep 28, 202035 min

Ep 368Abject Suffering 368: Reisdent Evil 0

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<html>Warm up your pipes, you opera singing leeches, because we're going to talk about the game that we blame for murdering classic-style Resident Evil experiences. Taking place shortly before the events of the original Resident Evil, STARS Bravo team medic Rebecca Chambers and failed Chili Peppers clone Billy team up to fight through a train and some anonymous facilities full of zombies and leeches, all while being too ineffectual to hold objects.</html>

Sep 21, 202047 min

Ep 367Abject Suffering 367: Castlevania Judgment

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<html>It's very hard to be a Castlevania fan, especially when Konami decides that this very ugly and shallow Power Stone clone is worth releasing. Famously featuring a story line where a little girl wants bigger boobs, it also has hideous costume redesigns for a large number of beloved Castlevania characters, and a pretty lame excuse plot.</html>

Sep 14, 202038 min

Ep 366Abject Suffering 366: Swords & Darkness

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<html>Swords &amp; Darkness, a game you've never heard of, is a very poorly made side scrolling Demon's Souls game released on the 3DS eShop. It's broken in some pretty entertaining ways, so give this a listen and save yourself the $7!</html>

Sep 8, 202032 min

Ep 365Abject Suffering 365: It Came From the Desert

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<html>This week Gary brings a character with a very ill-advised product pitch, then we get into talking about this charming and not-fun Cinemaware game about ants. Please stow your picnic baskets.</html>

Aug 31, 202058 min

Ep 364Abject Suffering 364: Kingdom O' Magic

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<html>Probably one of the most hideous games we've covered for the show?</html>

Aug 24, 202048 min

Ep 363Abject Suffering 363: Industrial Spy: Operation Espionage

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<html>A baffling game gives way to a discussion on obstinate linguistics.</html>

Aug 17, 202051 min

Ep 362Abject Suffering 362: Blazing Dragons

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<html>We use this kind of okay point and click adventure game as an excuse to eat stunt food. Warning: Mouth sounds abound.</html>

Aug 10, 20201h 3m

Ep 361Abject Suffering 361: Saban's Power Rangers: Lightspeed Rescue

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<html>We head back to the Power Rangers well to learn more about what teens do on the moon.</html>

Aug 3, 202055 min

Ep 360Abject Suffering 360: Mr. Maze

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<html>The conflict that will tear the network apart.</html>

Jul 28, 202055 min

Ep 359Abject Suffering 359: The Sopranos: Road to Respect

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<html>We didn't know there was a Sopranos game, and neither did you, probably.</html>

Jul 20, 202049 min

Ep 358Abject Suffering 358: Eternal Champions

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<html>Gary's favorite game! He says it! He can't take it back!</html>

Jul 13, 202038 min

Ep 357Abject Suffering 357: Executive Suite

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<html>This little businessman sim is actually pretty good, so we do a kind of job interview of our own.</html>

Jul 6, 202035 min

Ep 356Abject Suffering 356: Receiver

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<html>An indie game with a simple premise: highlight how much regular video games make using a gun look easier than it actually is.</html>

Jun 29, 202057 min

Ep 355Abject Suffering 355: Cyber Stadium Series: Base Wars

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<html>We really got cheated when it came to extreme sports. It's all just crotch hugs, with very few robots in sight.</html>

Jun 22, 202040 min

Ep 354Abject Suffering 354: Popeye (ZX Spectrum)

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<html>The Popeye universe is more vast and more pointless than we initially imagined.</html>

Jun 15, 202043 min

Ep 353Abject Suffering 353: Ninjabread Man

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<html>We stretch the concept of "concepts" to the limits.</html>

Jun 9, 202034 min

Ep 352Abject Suffering 352: Rock Star Ate My Hamster!

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<html>We were excited to play a band simulator, but all we got was Lemonade Stand plus puns.</html>

Jun 1, 202049 min

Ep 351Abject Suffering 351: Mega Man X7

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<html>From one of the best games of all time, to an unmitigated disaster.</html>

May 25, 202046 min

Ep 350Abject Suffering 350: Calvin Tucker's Redneck: Farm Animal Racing Tournament

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<html>Episode 350 introduces a beloved character that will endure for decades to come.</html>

May 18, 202042 min

Ep 349Abject Suffering 349: Top Gun: Fire at Will

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<html>How has Top Gun remained a cultural touchstone for all of these years?</html>

May 11, 202046 min

Ep 348Abject Suffering 348: Mystic Towers

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<html>We stumbled into a gross one. Sorry, folks.</html>

May 4, 202044 min

Ep 347Abject Suffering 347: The Coin Game

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<html>Get ready for us to be effusively positive about an extremely strange and nostalgic experience.</html>

Apr 27, 202045 min

Ep 346Abject Suffering 346: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

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<html>Take a good book and make a wonderful movie out of it, then wait 30 years and make a terrible movie and somehow a worse game of that movie.</html>

Apr 20, 202031 min

Ep 345Abject Suffering 345: Silent Service

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<html>Talk about submarine life segues abruptly into the dismal dystopia of Cameo.</html>

Apr 13, 202044 min

Ep 344Abject Suffering 344: Bad Boys: Miami Takedown

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<html>These bad, bad, bad, bad boys don't make us feel so good.</html>

Apr 6, 202040 min

Ep 343Abject Suffering 343: Dreams to Reality

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<html>This very bad 3D platformer has you playing as Anthony Kiedis in a surreally meaningless empty void.</html>

Mar 30, 202026 min

Ep 342Abject Suffering 342: Road Trip Adventure

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<html>Before you head to the polls to vote for the next car president, remember my campaign slogan: Cars are cars all over the world. Similarly made, similarly sold.</html>

Mar 23, 202045 min

Ep 341Abject Suffering 341: Danger Girl

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<html>The 90s really were the pits, weren't they?</html>

Mar 16, 202048 min

Ep 340Abject Suffering 340: Phantasy Star Online Episode III: C.A.R.D. Revolution

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<html>A relic from an era that reached peak Talky.</html>

Mar 9, 202042 min

Ep 339Abject Suffering 339: I must kill...: Fresh Meat

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<html>How do you talk about a game that isn't a game... yet?</html>

Mar 2, 202035 min

Ep 338Abject Suffering 338: Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure (Part 2)

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<html>You have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes.</html>

Feb 24, 202045 min

Ep 337Abject Suffering 337: Cap'n Crunch's Crunchling Adventure (Part 1)

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<html>This is another Abject Suffering emergency as we sail into the sea of madness that is the Captain Crunch Extended Universe.</html>

Feb 17, 202044 min

Ep 336Abject Suffering 336: Facade

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<html>In which we introduce the concept of "offboarding week" to Abject Suffering.</html>

Feb 10, 202031 min

Ep 335Abject Suffering 335: No Escape

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<html>This is based on a movie that doesn't exist, and you can't convince us otherwise.</html>

Feb 3, 202042 min

Ep 334Abject Suffering 334: Frogger 2: Swampy's Revenge

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<html>The Frogger Expanded Universe is no place to raise a kid.</html>

Jan 27, 202038 min

Ep 333Abject Suffering 333: Bullet Witch

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<html>We're aware of the coincidence that an episode about witches is numbered 3:33. It wasn't intentional, and that makes it spooky.</html>

Jan 20, 202038 min

Ep 332Abject Suffering 332: Gears POP!

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<html>Financially ruined by whaledom.</html>

Jan 14, 202048 min

Ep 331Abject Suffering 331: Totally Rad

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<html>It's, like, totally a game that was originally named Magic John.</html>

Jan 7, 202044 min

Ep 330Abject Suffering 330: Hunt Down the Freeman

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<html>You can hear our souls leaving our bodies.</html>

Dec 30, 201956 min

Ep 329Abject Suffering 329: Armed and Dangerous

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<html>Darren accidentally brings us a kind of okay game.</html>

Dec 23, 201939 min

Ep 328Abject Suffering 328: Adventures in the Magic Kingdom

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<html>Doug Lief joins us to talk about the rare misstep in Capcom and Disney's collaboration.</html>

Dec 16, 201949 min

Ep 327Abject Suffering 327: KGB: Conspiracy

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<html>An interesting subject for an adventure game gets tripped up with hostile mechanics.</html>

Dec 9, 201950 min

Abject Suffering