The Mating Grounds Podcast

In this episode of Helping Joe, Tucker and Nils finally get a look at Joe’s deeper emotions after he reads Daring Greatly. They talk about how the book affected him, what he learned, and how to apply the lessons to his dating life. Connecting with friends and girlfriends is essential to living a happy, fulfilling life. Making real connections requires vulnerability, opening yourself up, letting people in, and showing them who you really are. Romantic chemistry is exposing one element (you) to another element (her) to see if there’s a reaction. Being vulnerable and exposing emotion are very difficult for Joe and many other men. It is one reason why Tucker spent so much time in therapy. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this episode of Bad Advice From The Internet, Tucker explains how pushing your honesty onto other people who are not directly asking for it signals a lack of social intelligence, which makes you less likable and less attractive to women. For example, if a woman asks, “What are you looking for?” and you blurt out, “I just want to have sex and not date you,” it’s an immediate turnoff for her. Women look for physical safety, social safety, and emotional safety before dating or sleeping with you. If you are radically honest like this, she worries that you will tell all her friends that you two are just having sex, ruining her reputation. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This is a big question that could take 5 hours to answer. In this short Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller broadly explain love, why we evolved to feel love, what love is not, and how to think about love and the relationship you are in. Watch out for desire, lust, obsession, and analyzing resume traits, which are all NOT love. Also, love takes time to figure out. Tucker developed slowly and didn't figure it out until he was 34. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This call is from a man who was sexually shamed most of his life and is transitioning out of that. In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Nils Parker knock down one big assumption with his question by advising him to ask, "What do I want?" Not "What should I do?" Explore who you are to figure out what you really want (your mating goal). They give many suggestions for how to do this. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This week of Helping Joe is a continuation of Episode 10 where Joe talks about recent dates with girls from episodes 7, 8, and 9 and new girls he is seeing. Tucker and Charlie break down his irrational, ineffective thoughts and how to replace them to get better with women. They also get into advice on texting, going back to her place, being honest and funny about your insecurities, and why you don’t need to have all your shit together before a woman will be very into you. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

Tucker Max explains how this is some of the worst advice that women give men. Being too open with your feelings too early in the relationship signals desperation and low mate value to a woman. Only crazy people over-share with those they first meet or don't know well. When telling her how you feel, it's best to emotionally follow her lead in disclosing more. This happens piece by piece. She gives a little and you give a little, escalating vulnerability and honesty until there is a high level of trust in the relationship. Then you can talk more about your feelings. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This caller has the mating equivalent of a white people problem. He has a great girlfriend but doesn't believe he's good enough. Many guys have this issue of Imposter Syndrome when they are improving in dating and other areas of life. Tucker and Charlie have talked about this on Helping Joe when he loses confidence on dates. In this Q&A episode, Tucker, Nils, and Dr. Miller explain exactly what Imposter Syndrome is, why it's common with rapid improvement, and how it can be ridiculously arrogant. They talk about mental frameworks for overcoming this ineffective thinking, recognizing your high and realistic mate value, and building true confidence when more women are attracted to you. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

After making a few jokes and explaining the obvious, which is to learn skills and get a better job, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller talk about how to be more attractive while poor. Getting in shape with body weight only exercises (Convict Conditioning), wearing simple & clean clothes that fit you, and having a great attitude (fun, kind, smart, or interesting), will put you in the top 25% of men out there. They also give some great free date ideas. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn catch up with Joe on all the dates he has had in the last 2 weeks. They recognize and celebrate these wins to reinforce that Joe is on the right path and making progress. A huge part of building confidence is realizing the strides you’ve made since starting and internalizing positive feedback, from both the women you are dating and your friends (or coaches here). Later they get into mistakes Joe made on these dates, including his funny but self-crippling texts. They also talk about why accepting who you are and being the best version of yourself is more effective than following a successful model that doesn’t fit who you are. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Joe went speed dating for the first time and Tucker Max and Nils Parker break down his mini-dates. They give Joe much needed fashion advice (Joe makes big mistakes here. Jokes follow.), feedback on his first date (and first meeting) conversations, and more ways to reframe his dating mindset and goal so that he has more fun and better results. They revisit Joe’s critical issues like cursing under his breath, not internalizing positive feedback, and changing his ineffective mindsets and irrational thoughts. At the end, Tucker gets very honest and open about his own issues, why he blew up in Episode 7, and why he had to talk to his analyst about Joe. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoff Miller explain the internal worries (How am I doing? Does she like me?) that many guys have on first dates and how to replace those thoughts with more effective ones (How can I have fun? What is interesting about her?). Also, check out the psychology of choking in our Choke Book Notes or buy the book here. Also, Tucker, Charlie, and Nils have spent the last two months answering this question on the Helping Joe series. It’s one of Joe’s biggest problems. Listen to Episode 4 and Episode 5 especially. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoff Miller explain that alcohol lowers your inhibitions and the worries about what others will think or how you will look, which all get in the way of being funny. There may be a deeper problem with your social skills, confidence, or shame. These can all be fixed (check out our other podcasts for more in depth advice).

This episode is a continuation of Episode 7. Tucker Max, Charlie Hoehn, and Joe try to regroup and talk about Joe's other dates that he went on, but they get right back to emotional issues that caused him to completely lose confidence in himself on a different date. The reason for this is absolutely ridiculous. You will laugh when listening to it. Joe thought this girl was out of his league and rejected himself even though she was into him. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from his mistake about attraction, understanding women, and giving yourself the chance to succeed.

This Bad Advice is from old people who are angry about new technology like texting. 20 years ago when calling was the default, this advice would have been valid. Now the default is texting, especially for young people. The data shows that many women under 30 think calling is an intrusion of privacy and inconvenient or rude. To them, you are not more manly, courageous, or gentlmanly. You are just weird. This is why understanding social groups is so important. Everything you do is contingent on that. Whatever is normal to do in that group is what you should be doing: If you are in your 40s asking out a woman in her 30s or 40s, call her. If you are in your 20s asking out a woman in her 20s, text her.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoff Miller break apart this question, the details he gave, and the assumptions he is making. They explain how if you see a guy who is to be subservient to or "pussy whipped" by his girlfriend or wife, you are only looking at a small part of their relationship and making assumptions based just on that. It's unlikely that you know their entire relationship history and all the dynamics going on. Sometimes, a woman is just awful or the man has given up too much control and dominance in a relationship (No More Mr. Nice guy is a great analysis of this problem). But ask yourself, "Why is this happening in the first place and why is he still with her?" Staying in that relationship is a choice that as a man you have to take responsibility for.

If you live in a very racist state (Arizona) or city (Boston) move! In this Q&A Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker explain how sometimes the problem is 100% your mating market and not you. If that’s the case and you want to be successful with women, you need to leave.

In week 7 of Helping Joe, Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn dig into Joe's mess of emotional issues after he has a great date, but ruins it by blowing off the girl he liked. What starts off as a small celebration with good tactical advice gets heated (Tucker gets angry) after they learn what Joe texted after. They rummage through some of his emotional baggage and explain how his fears are crippling his mating opportunities. As Tucker put it, “Joe is a wantrepreneur with women."

This is the idea that the right way to get over a bad breakup, when you feel like shit, is to just sleep with other girls. It's actually only half wrong. For more long-term relationships, where you loved your girlfriend and were together for a while, it's awful advice. In this episode, we talk about how sleeping around in response to a sad breakup pushes off pain that you need to feel. These emotions are inevitable. It’s better to address them upfront. We talk about how to do this and how humans heal in groups.

Both men and woman can have difficulty realizing they are more attractive after a big positive change like losing weight. In this Q&A Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker talk about how to accept and believe you that you are more attractive by getting feedback from women, starting small with exposure therapy, and testing your mating market.

In modern society, there is little threat of violence day-to-day. So how you do you display the Defender part of the Tender Defender model to women? In this Q&A Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker break down a big assumption of being a Defender (It’s not all about violence.) and explain the many ways you can be a Defender without fighting. A better way to look at it is being an Effective Provider can solve her problems.

In week 6 of Helping Joe, Charlie brings in one of his female friends to show Joe first hand what she experiences when dating online or through Tinder. She also gives him feedback on his profile and advice* on what to do and not to do when messaging women. Tucker makes a lot of jokes and draws out great feedback from her. He is also a case study here for one way to tease and have fun with a woman. *She was good at knowing what she wanted but bad at extrapolating this across women in general. Most of what she said was specific to her. It's better to ask a woman what she personally wants and listen, not ask her what all women want because she will project her preferences onto all women and give you bad advice.

What's The Bad Advice? A lot of creepy pickup websites gives lines to use or tactics to ignore, isolate, keep pushing, and "attract" a woman when she says she has a boyfriend. This applies to short-term mating situations. Why This Is Bad Advice? You are wasting your time talking to someone who is not into you. Creepy dudes give this creepy advice because many of the guys they are marketing to who follow pickup crap get this response a lot, "Sorry I have a boyfriend." because the women they are talking to are weirded out. This is a polite way of saying "please, leave me alone." The Better Advice Is Short And Simple If a girl tells you that she has a boyfriend in the first 30 minutes or so of talking to her, she's not into you. Go talk to other girls who are. There are exceptions to the rule (like everything in life), which Tucker talks about in the rest of this episode, but 95% of the time you are just bothering her and better off talking to girls who don't tell you that they have boyfriends.

There are a lot of anecdotes from Reddit's NoFap and YourBrainOnPorn of guys who have issues with masturbation. Unfortunately, there's not much good science and virtually no studies on how much should you masturbate or what is optimal. In this short Q&A episode, Dr. Miller, Tucker, and Nils advise you to experiment, track how you feel, and do what's best for yourself until better science comes out. If you are married, it's better to just have sex with your wife. They also try to figure out why the hell a married guy asked this question.

This listener called in from Boston, which is a terrible city full of awful people. We've had multiple questions about how to handle assholes from there. We decided to answer one of them and rip on Boston in general. In this Q&A, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker explain how male cockblockers are usually not trying to stop you from getting the girl. They are instead asserting their status or dominance by making fun of you. If your friends are doing this, you have shitty friends and need to make new ones. They also give exact comebacks and conversation scripts you can use to deal with these douchebags.

In week 5 of Helping Joe, Nils Parker steps in via Skype while Charlie is playing it away. Nils brings a different set of questions (and jokes) for dealing with Joe’s issues. He and Tucker Max dive a little deeper into why Joe gets nervous on first dates and how to reframe one’s mindset when going into a date to have more fun and be more relaxed, which ultimately will lead to those dates going better. They also talk about understanding women on Tinder and setting better expectations for date.

Women give this advice to guys a lot, but it's useless. A better way for you to "just be yourself" is to first figure out what about you is attractive to women. Then accentuate these strengths by putting yourself in places where those best parts of you will shine and your weaknesses will not show.

In week 4 of Helping Joe, Tucker and Charlie begin by talking about Joe's first improv class, going out to a bar with Charlie, and feedback from girls at that bar. They then dive into having better and more fun conversations, giving a ton of tips, tricks, and ways to re-frame how you look at making small talk or talking with women at bars or on dates. Also, Joe recorded his last date so Charlie and Tucker could listen to it (not on the podcast). They give specific and sometimes hilarious feedback on what Joe did right and wrong in this date. It was better than his last date Helping Joe, Part 3, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. They wrap up by talking about how being in the moment and being a little vulnerable is how people really connect with each other.

When a woman you are sleeping with wants an exclusive long-term relationship (boyfriend), but you are not ready to give that to her, it's best to be upfront and honest about it. Tucker Max was terrible at this when he was younger, and it led to relationship disasters. In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoff Miller explain how it's totally cool not to want to commit long-term to a woman you are having sex with, but it's important to have a clear conversation with her about that. They include how to bring this up and a few conversation scripts to use.

This is a great question, but the way this young caller asks it and the background he gives us, which is great by the way because it helps us figure out what's really going on, shows that there are fundamental problems with his mindset, strategy, tactics, etc. He has gotten a ton of terrible advice and ideas from pickup artist nonsense. Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker explain the four most common reasons why girls flake, cancel, or don't show up to a date; why this will (and should) happen a certain percentage of times, and why looking at it as "flaking" and blaming the woman is the wrong mindset. They also give some harsh but much needed advice on throwing out your pickup ebooks and bootcamp binders. For more on how pua scams work and why their tactics are terrible for long-term success, listen to this episode about the pua scene.

Getting drunk, yelling, and/or being rude with women is not an effective strategy. However, there are traits of an 'asshole' that women do find attractive. This was Tucker's mating strategy for almost 10 years. He wrote 3 books about his stories of being an asshole. It is difficult to pull off and works best with a small percentage of emotionally damaged women. We also have a whole podcast on this in our How To Be Attractive Series.

Jealousy is the emotion of mate guarding, paying attention to the behavior of our mates around others. There are many evolutionary reasons for this, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller explains why a little jealousy can be good. Also, be honest with yourself about why you are in a relationship. Tucker Max and Nils Parker give advice on mate value in different life stages. And Tucker runs through 5 quick questions to ask yourself to understand if a relationship is going to last or if she will eventually look for and find someone else.

This is normal and something every guy goes through. Two effective ways to start getting back out there and regaining confidence are small wins and great friends. Dr. Geoffrey Miller begins this Q&A episode talking about making small steps to be more outgoing, with women and with friends. Tucker Max brings up social relationships and how a great thing to do is engage with good friends in positive, uplifting ways. Many problems start with not having friends. This is something that most dating advice never focuses on. Social relationships are so important to mental health, confidence, and even hormones like testosterone. As humans we need strong relationships, especially during tough times. And as men most of our friendships are made in structured social groups with a common set of goals and values. Sports clubs, the military, and startup culture are good examples but there are 100s. Start with finding those groups. You can listen to the Jack Donovan (The Way of Men) episode for a more in depth talk on this.

This Q&A is for men who are are worried about going bald or gray and losing hair. There are two key takeaways: great hair doesn't matter as much as you think and the simple solution to be more attractive it to shave your head. Tucker Max, Dr. Geoff Miller, and Nils Parker talk about how there's not much you can do to prevent hair loss, but that's OK because women don't really care. Dr. Miller mentions it's not even in the top 30 most important things that women want. However, awful hair like a comb-over or bad hair piece can lower your mate value. And think about it from an evolutionary perspective: If women were turned off by baldness, we would have evolved not to get bald because those men would not have mated. The fact that we evolved this way means baldness doesn't matter much to women. Your bald ancestors still got laid.

In week 3 of Helping Joe, Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn talk about two of Joe's Tinder dates and break down what went wrong and why. They go over his mistakes, including one critical first date mistake that blew any chance he had with a cute Mexican girl. They also talk about improv classes, why they are awesome, and how most guys don't get enough "reps" in real life. They wrap up with a bit about testosterone test results, the importance of social relationships, and how they have a huge impact on your health and hormones.

The idea that just believing in yourself, going out there, and faking it will lead to real confidence and long-term success. Confidence is the realistic expectation that you have of being successful at something given your competence at this thing and the risk involved in doing it. Humans developed confidence as a way to track our competencies so that we make the right decisions about various risks. This is not feeling good about yourself. This is not believing in yourself no matter what. That is self-esteem. You build competence through preparation, practice, and demonstrated performance. You can't fake competence, you actually have to work to get good at a skill. If you aren't good at skiing, you can't fake going down the Black Diamond run. It's the same with talking to women. If you have low social competence (trouble talking to people), you can't fake talking to women. In fact, faking confidence here will make you look even worse because people can tell that nothing is behind it. Faking it is good advice to follow when you are already competent and you have the skills, but subjectively you don't believe that you are any good. Your confidence is much lower than your competence. Here "fake it 'til you make it" can help you become confident when your skills are already there. A better strategy is to get objective feedback. To figure out if you should focus on either building skills to get better or faking it and acting as if, ask people around you, a good friend, who can be honest about whether or not you already have these skills.

Taking yourself too seriously can mean many things like you may have no sense of humor or you're too into yourself. In this episode, Dr. Miller, Tucker, and Nils explain how self-deprecating humor, making fun of yourself, is the best first step you can take to being less serious. Research shows many positives associated with this type of humor. Sometimes, being shy and reserved is a result of your social group. If that is true for you, find people or places where you are more comfortable to open up. Even having one great friend who is more playful to go out with is great. And as a last resort, ask people about themselves. Take a genuine interest in what they know that you don't know and build from there. They also mentioned a past podcast on communication that you can to listen in order to solve this problem.

Women who work are usually paid to be nice to you, especially bartenders and waitresses. If you like her, there are low risk ways to see if she's interested. In this episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoff Miller talk about how to gather information ( Does she have a boyfriend? ), talk to her like a friend, and ask her out in an easy way (think social, not 1:1) so you don't creep out a woman who is 'trapped' at work. Nils, who was a bartender in his 20s, also gives advice on how to tell when a bartender or waitress is into you. Hint: 90% of the time, she's flirting with your wallet, not you. That's her job, dude.

Humor is very attractive and displays many traits like intelligence, social proof, mental health. Not everyone can be a comedian, but you can go out with good friends, make fun of eachother, and bring women into the fun. In this Q&A, Nils Parker, Tucker Max, and Dr. Geoff Miller explain the basics and low risk ways to use humor, be funny, and tease: Making fun of yourself and your friends is attractive Even having just one hilarious good friend is enough to make you better. How to tease women without going too far. Why punching up is better than punching down. How to make funny observations of other odd people around you. And why joke quality is better than joke quantity.

In the second week of Helping Joe, Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn talk about Joe's Tinder profile (what he did right and wrong), his first Tinder date, why small talk is so important and easy it is to do, why making a woman feel comfortable on the first date is critical to it going well (Joe fails at this in later episodes), and how to message or followup with a woman who "goes dark." Also, Tucker and Charlie make fun of Joe and the odd things he says.

The Numbers Game ( the more girls you talk to, the more sex you have ) is bad and ineffective advice, even for short-term mating. There are some big assumptions that pua guys make with this that are just wrong. More effective strategies are to optimize your mating market and change your goal when you go out. If you have trouble talking to women or getting a date, playing the numbers game is almost the worst thing you can do.

Getting over a breakup is tough. This is the other side of a past Q&A we did on breaking up without being a dick. It's fucked up when a serious girlfriend dumps you by text, but it's likely there were signs of this coming. In this Q&A episode, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils talk about the best ways to get closure, what to look for and reflect on, and how to talk to friends (mutual, hers, and yours) to figure out what went wrong.

The short answer is that there's is no right time. Every guy is different. But there are ways to know when to switch from short-term mating to a long-term relationship. Getting tired of sleeping with women that you don't care about is one of them. This decision is best made by emotion, not logic and reason. Listen to your gut. And remember you can always go back to short-term relationships if you want. Tucker starts this episode talking about how he knew it was time to make the switch in his 30s when he felt lonely having sex with a ton of women. Nils and Dr. Miller give more cues to look for and bad situations to avoid. They also suggest looking at medium-term relationships as training for a long-term relationship. It takes time to transition from short to medium to long.

Career or life anxieties can feel overwhelming, but you don't have to know where you're going in life or have a great career before finding a girlfriend. Women don't date a job. They date a person. In this Q&A, Tucker and Dr. Miller explain how your career is only one factor in your overall attractiveness and not a very important one, especially if you are younger. Research on this indicates that women can find a man's potential for success much more attractive than his actual success. This works well for you if you're 25, not so much if you're 35. They also go into some life and career advice not related to dating.

This is a new podcast segment called "Helping Joe." We take a regular Mating Grounds listener and work through his problems with meeting and dating women. In the first episode of this series, Tucker and Charlie learn about Joe's problems and why he's not doing well with women. They dive into how and where to meet women, understanding attractive women, and how to set up a great Tinder profile, including ideas for funny photos and an interesting bio.

Hooking up is awesome but ending a short-term relationship by disappearing or being a dick is harmful to both you and her. Tucker has learned a lot from ending relationships in a myriad of horrible ways. Read any of his 3 books if you want to learn how NOT to do this well. In this Q&A, Tucker, Nils, and Dr. Miller show you exactly how to breakup a short or medium term relationship so you are both better off. They give breakup conversation scripts and examples you can copy verbatim. Be kind but firm. Don't be a coward and disappear.

The strategies you need to get over severe social anxiety are different than past answers we've given on social anxiety and being nervous. Dr. Miller, Tucker, and Nils dive into extinction theory and how to use exposure therapy to take small steps and build on them. They give many short-term and long-term strategies to effectively manage social fear so it won't stop you from meeting women and talking to women.

If you are a classmate, friend, or acquaintance of a woman, you are already a potential mate. Talking is a way to figure out if there is a connection or chemistry. Having anything in common is a great way to talk to her and start a conversation. You can then transition into other conversation topics. You don't have to re-introduce yourself as a sexual being. You already are.

The idea that you should wait a long time before texting or calling a girl after getting her number is wrong; you should text a girl when you feel like texting her. In this episode, Tucker, Geoff, and Carin explain why it's dumb to play games, and tell you what you need to do and what you need to avoid when first texting a girl.

Sometimes a woman may do something that you perceive as rejection, but it's not actually a rejection. If you have a negative mindset and always assume the worst, you're going to have trouble with dating and relationships. In this episode, Tucker, Nils, and Charlie why a woman might try to reschedule a date or otherwise change plans, what the correct way to response is, and how to improve a negative mindset so that you will be more successful with women.

How you move is a key indicator of your sexual fitness, and by developing and displaying physical skills in ways that matter to women, you will become significantly more attractive. In this episode, Tucker and Geoff explain why women find physical skills attractive, how to find skills that interest you, and how to display your physical skills to attract women.