The Mating Grounds Podcast

This week on Helping Joe, Charlie Hoehn and Nils Parker give Joe feedback on OkCupid (see the blog notes) and Tinder after Joe gets frustrated with interactions on the dating app. They also dive into his sleep habits and ask him what a perfect day looks like. Joe does not have a specific answer. They explain why this is a big problem in his life and with his mating goals. “Right now, you have no fucking clue where you are going... You are letting life happen to you and wandering around as a result. This exercise if it does nothing else will give you a destination to point yourself to and work towards.” - Nils Parker This episode is sponsored by Land A Job You Love, a course from our own Charlie Hoehn.

In this preview series, we go over each chapter in our upcoming book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, explaining key takeaways and what to expect. In Part 5, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how to figure out exactly what it is you want so you can direct your mating efforts to honestly getting that with women or a woman who wants the same thing. You not only deserve to ask yourself "What do I want," but you need to. For more on understanding yourself and what you want, listen to our previous podcast episodes.

In this preview series, we go over each chapter in our upcoming book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, explaining key takeaways and what to expect. In Part 4, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils go over the multiple ways women experience the world and dating that are different than how men do, including major female fears, worries, concerns, and thought patterns in mating. These are not opinions or moralizing lessons but based on the best current research on women's psychology and sex differences. For more on understanding what it's like to be a woman who dates men, listen to our previous podcast episodes.

This week is our second episode of Helping Joe with four people on the mics (Tucker Max, Charlie Hoehn, Nils Parker, & Joe). This episode picks up where the guys left off in Episode 23. Joe starts by reading his crazy (but hilarious) inner thoughts that he kept track of during the past week. The guys figure out why Joe has these thoughts and emotional reactions by exploring his relationship with his mom. Joe shares stories from his childhood and learns that every one is dealt a different hand of cards at birth and in life. His job here is to figure out what his cards are so that he can live a good life with lots of great women in it.

In this preview series, we go over each chapter in our upcoming book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, explaining key takeaways and what to expect. In Part 3, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils go over confidence, competence, and the sociometer theory. They explain why there are no shortcuts to building true confidence.

In this Q&A, Tucker Max and Nils Parker explain how to understand women and why they put guys in the friend zone so you don't get stuck there in the first place or can get out of it. Also, it's okay to just be friends with attractive women.

In this special episode of Helping Joe, everybody (Tucker, Charlie, Nils, & Joe) is in the same room to talk about Joe’s progress and problems over the last few weeks. They talk about how women test men to get honest signals, what building real confidence looks like, and how to interpret some dreams. They also dive deeper into Joe's trust issues and perfectionist tendencies and how to get over them so he can be more attractive to women.

In this preview series, we go over each chapter in our upcoming book, Mate: Become the Man Women Want, explaining key takeaways and what to expect. In Part 2, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how Mate is different and talk about the five fundamental principles that need to govern all your mating decisions.

In this Q&A, Tucker and Nils explain how it's best to take this problem head-on, be honest about it, make a joke (they give some ideas), and be clear there that you are heterosexual.

Don't date women that lie to you! In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils talk about what this caller's deeper issues are and why he put up with a bad girlfriend for so long.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Charlie and Tucker break down Joe's recent first date and why it was awkward for him. They go deeper into why Joe doesn't like playful teasing and can't bond with male friends. Joe and Charlie open up with stories about past awful experiences where they were attacked (not teased) by their friends. Tucker gives Joe 2 key takeaways to recognize his ineffective thought patterns and behaviors. Joe also gives an update on a talk he had with the girl he is dating.

This episode is the beginning of a preview of our upcoming book, Mate: Become The Man Women Want. In this series, we go over each chapter in the book, explaining what's in it and what to expect. In the first part of this series, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how this book came about, why they decided to write it, and why men need to read it.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how being a minimalist or financially independent and spending money on experiences are attractive to women but being cheap is NOT attractive. What matters is being generous with what you do have, which doesn't just have to be money or possessions.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how most men misunderstand vulnerability, why your emotional needs as a man are valid ("We're not just walking penises."), and why women actually love emotionally open (but not emotionally unstable) men. They also give small steps you can take to start practicing vulnerability in your everyday life. For more on vulnerability, start by reading Daring Greatly by Dr. Brene Brown, the best book out there on the empirical research. And go listen to the Helping Joe series where Joe is vulnerable in a non-needy way about problems in his life that many men have but few ever talk.

This week on Helping Joe, Tucker and Nils call Joe out on his bull***t and question what his mating goals really are when his actions and priorities do not line up with what he says he wants. They go on to explain how to have a relationship talk, why people self-sabotage, and why it’s difficult to actually do the work and change to have the life you want and the women you want.

If you date the same type of crazy woman over and over again, the problem is not them, it's you. In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how to recognize crazy or bipolar women and avoid them. They also talk about why this caller has a pattern of beign attracted to them and if therapy is needed.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain why high school, ages 15-18, are the worst years for men and dealing with women. It's important to keep this in perspective: it's normal to feel frustrated and your best years are ahead of you. We cover this in more in depth in our What Men Need To Know episode.

In this Q&A Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Nils Parker poke fun at a caller who is looking for a way to absolve himself of his absurd narcissism and ridiculous lack of self-awareness. The words he uses signal problems in his mating life that start with him. They explain where and how to start fixing them (similar to our other narcissism Q&A). On a more serious note, they answer his question of how to balance competing factors (ex. looks, intelligence, personality, etc.) when seeking a longterm mate.

In this week of Helping Joe, Tucker and Charlie talk about Joe's awful room. They dig into why he was sleeping in a closet, how his favela of a room is a reflection of how he thinks about himself, and why this is so unattractive to women. They go on to talk about having basic self-respect, why men have trouble connecting with their emotions, and how society doesn’t teach men how to express their emotions and discourages them doing so. Tucker also tells a funny story about how the Queer Eye For The Straight Guy dudes tried to makeover James Gandolfini. *The woman in the opening clip is Charlie’s girlfriend’s reaction when she went over to Joe’s place to evaluate his room and help him improve it.

In this episode of Bad Advice, Tucker explains how repeated failure, getting rejected over and over again, actually destroys your confidence. This is absolutely NOT how confidence works. You build true confidence only through success and demonstrated performance. We have talked over and over again about the research on confidence and how this works on past episodes.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils strongly advise that this caller break up with his girlfriend if he already has not because there are so many red flags in his call. Her behavior is not normal girlfriend behavior. They also explain how to set normal boundaries with a girlfiriend in a relationship, including ways to bring this up and talk about it.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Dr. Perilloux explain the benefits of dealing with a low-level health problem and why women would be attracted to a guy who overcame that problem and changed his life for the better. They've said this in past episodes: Having a serious disability can be an advantage in mating if you get everything else right and are honest about it upfront. You can become an effective hero or resilient survivor which are very attractive.

On this episode of Helping Joe, Joe talks about his funny improv show and dives deeper into why he has trouble taking genuine compliments from others. He gives the guys updates on the girl he likes from improv (It didn't go well) and the girl he has been dating and having sex with (This was better). Charlie Hoehn and Tucker Max give Joe advice on how to recover and get a girl interested in you again, how to last longer in bed, and how to have the medium-term / casual relationship talk.

This week on Helping Joe we split a longer episode into two parts. In Part 2, Tucker and Charlie talk to Joe about how humiliating rejections from women can get stored in the brain as war trauma. They repeat Joe’s Two Rules for going out and the right way to tease girls to have fun. Joe gives an update with the girl from improv (see Episode 17), and he plays an awful audio message that he left her. Tucker also talks about how Joe can get over situations Joe he is afraid of.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how every guy at some point in this life has had trouble with premature ejaculation. It is nothing to be ashamed about because all men have been through this, especially at younger ages. They also give many techniques and exercises to avoid coming too quickly and have better sex. Dr. Miller recommends She Comes First.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller explain why this is the wrong question to ask and give a better question (“What are my goals?”) to ask yourself so you can figure out where you want to go and what obstacles are in your way. Tucker gives an example from his own life about how he achieved his mating goal through psychotherapy, and Dr. Miller talks about how to reach out to your family for help uncovering your emotional blind spots. They also share advice on finding a good therapist if you really need therapy.

This week on Helping Joe we split this long episode into two parts. In Part 1, Joe talks about updates from past dates, Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn comment on his progress since beginning the podcast, and they dig deeper into his sex shame issues. Joe finally has sex but comes too quick (premature ejaculation), which is the opposite physical problem of his previous issue with getting hard. Tucker explains how this is even possible and gives Joe a few short-term fixes to help with this, including how to find out what she likes in bed. They also talk about one big difference between guys who improve and get better with women and those who don't.

There are no do-overs in life. In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain how this older caller needs to be honest with himself about who he is and where he is in his life to still attract and date great women. Lowering standards a bit and expanding criteria for a mate can greatly increase your dating pool. What matters is finding happiness with someone you are suited for, not someone you wish you had found when you were 28. They also explain where and how to meet women that are a better fit for an older guy. And see our past podcast episode on what older men should do to attract younger women.">what older men should do to attract younger women.

In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils list cities that are great mating markets for men and explain how a mating market is much more than just a city's male:female ratio. It depends on many other factors like your mating goal, your interests, what type of woman you are looking for, her interests, and more.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Dr. Carin Perilloux talk about how it’s unusual to be best friends with an ex and that future girlfriends will be worried about this. It’s best to be upfront with why you are friends because the research says most men want to have sex with their female friends. They explain how to move forward with a new relationship while still being friends with an ex and how to talk about this with your next girlfriend.

In this week of Helping Joe, Joe continues to have the same ED issues and performance anxiety that he talked about in Episode 16. Nils Parker and Charlie Hoehn help him figure out what he can do to get hard again, how to talk to the girl he is having sex with about these problems, and why to work on enjoying sex together instead of just struggling by himself. They also talk about another awful shirt Joe wore (pics on the blog below), an update with a girl from his improv class, why sleep is so important, and how to get better sleep.

In this episode of Bad Advice, Tucker Max explains how "just believe in yourself" is toxic advice that encourages delusional self-confidence, which doesn’t work for 90% of guys. It makes them feel worse because they can’t just believe in themselves. The empirical evidence shows that is not how confidence works. Confidence comes from preparation, practice, and action (doing things). Start small with simple tasks, low stakes. We talked about this in our social anxiety episode. This is also how athletes build foundational skills and get better at their sport.

First, it's important to mention that nearly all guys watch porn. In this Q&A, Tucker, Dr. Miller, and Nils explain why men are into so many different types of porn (US map of top genres by state) and the many reasons why watching porn is good, from emotional self-improvement to decreasing crime. This caller may be using porn as a way to heal the trauma of a bad breakup. Tucker also tells a story about Dr. Miller's funny Amazon recommendations.

When you see a pattern in your life (something happens to you over and over again) it’s likely your fault, not that of those around you. In this Q&A, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Dr. Carin Perilloux lay out many possible issues in your life that could be causing a pattern of women getting to know you and then prematurely breaking up with you. And some women make big dating decisions based on small things that most men don’t even notice.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Joe goes on two great dates with the girl he met from Tinder (see Episode 14), and he follows Tucker’s advice by going back to her place because his has no furniture. However, things quickly go downhill when Joe has problems in the bedroom. Tucker and Nils talk him through what happened, why he has shame around sex, and what to do going forward to fix these issues. They also share sad but funny stories of their own experiences with these problems.

This is an odd call because it’s a classic problem that women usually have. In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller explain how this is a normal issue because both the caller and the girl he is sleeping with are young, inexperienced, and exploring. She just might not want to date him. They talk about how to figure this out and what to do if that’s the case.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller explain how your family can impact a woman’s judgement of you and your mate value, but it’s not a major factor that women evaluate you on. If your family doesn’t accept you, it’s usually due to a family mistake or general toxicity and not your fault. Tucker came from an awful family but was still able to marry a fantastic woman. They talk about when and how to tell your girlfriend about these issues so she doesn't assume the worst. And remember, she's on your side.

In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Dr. Carin Perilloux explain how genuinely connecting and NOT thinking about women as objects or thinking about sex as a separate thing or on a different level will actually lead to more sex with women. There are no right words or moves that work every time, but there are signs to look for if a woman is into you and wants to move foreward. For a good example of this, see Helping Joe, Episode 14 @ minute 55:00.

In this week of Helping Joe, Charlie and Tucker talk to Joe about his second go at speed dating. This time Charlie went with him and some strange and hilarious things happened leading up to and during the event. Joe showed major improvements in confidence by owning his oddness, but his fashion choices are still atrocious. They dig into why this idea of trying to impress women by what you wear is ineffective for most guys and what you should focus on instead to make a good first impression and attract great women.

In this episode of Bad Advice From The Internet, Tucker Max explains how sleeping with a lot of women to get good sexually is the opposite of the truth. Having sex with different women is great, but if you want to get better in bed it's much easier to do that by connecting with one woman and having sex with her over and over. The way you get good at any skill is by practicing and getting good at the skill of sex is about being comfortable and getting reps. That practice with one will help with all because women are more alike than different.

In this special Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller have fun with a narcissistic caller who is upset that he isn’t dating women who he thinks are on his level. This is a case study of problems that come with being over-confident or arrogant. They give a funny reality check and explain why women are better at evaluating your mate value than you are, how high quality women can be very picky, and why it’s important to be honest with her about what you want. If you have these problems with narcissism and overconfidence, see our past podcast episodes.

This simple answer is to just be honest and tell her because it is NOT a red flag to never have had a serious girlfriend at 25. In this Q&A, Tucker Max and Dr. Geoffrey Miller explain why this is not a big deal and how to be honest and tell her this effectively, including conversation scripts if you are totally lost. Also see past podcasts we’ve done on big changes in mate value former fat guy, Impostor Syndrome, and what to do if you have little experience.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Tucker, Charlie, and Nils help Joe figure out what to do after he blows it with another great girl. They explain how to improve his texting and communication to avoid this problem in the future. And while Joe continues to cripple himself by not opening up, he made big improvements by being a little bit vulnerable and connecting with a cute, smart girl he met on Tinder. They explain what Joe did right and why this was a fantastic date.

In this episode of Bad Advice, Tucker explains how being unavailable, distant, or hard to get to signal that you are high status or high mate value is in general a terrible way to attract women. It works for a certain small % of women, but is a huge turn off to most. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

If a guy with cerebral palsy is going out and dating women, you have no excuse to not get out there yourself. In this Q&A episode, Tucker Max, Nils Parker, and Dr. Geoffrey Miller give many pieces of advice for meeting and dating fit, athletic women if you have a physical disability. One important point to think about is that overcoming a disability is a huge positive signal of effectiveness to women. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

We’ve done past episodes on mating markets in the past. This caller is from Charlotte, and in this Q&A episode Tucker, Nils and Dr. Miller dive into why Charlotte is a tough mating market for men. They explain how census data can be misleading (ex. Chicago), what Operational Sex Ratio is and why it matters, and how to test the market to see if the problem is you or your mating market. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this episode of Helping Joe, Joe finishes Level 1 of improv but has insecurities about moving on to Level 2 with his class. Tucker Max and Charlie Hoehn help him put his progress in perspective and convince him to keep going. They refer back to how meditation and journaling can change ineffective thought patterns and explain how with more demonstrated performance, real evidence of increasing success, Joe will build real confidence in his social life and with women. They also dive a little deeper into Joe’s personal history, friendships, and why he has no female friends. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

In this episode of Bad Advice From The Internet, Tucker breaks down the idea of "peacocking" or "dressing like you're somebody" and related ideas about male fashion and style. Very few women decide to date or sleep with you based on what you are wearing. If you dress in a way that isn’t who you are to attract women, you are sending dishonest signals (lying). Women will inevitably figure out who you are (from of everything else about you) and lose any good first impression they had of you. Your first goal is to not exclude yourself through your clothes. This is why Tucker and Nils got so mad at Joe in Episode 9. Being plain is okay if you have other things going for you. Figure out your strengths and what you’ve got going for you, develop those strengths, and display or compete on those strong traits to genuinely attract women. You are better off being who you really are and going to places where people will value you for who you are. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This is a great question for Tucker to answer because he has been through this exact issue multiple times in his life. In this Q&A episode, he, Dr. Miller, and Nils, explain how if you are still dating someone because you think you should, that’s a bad sign. Be honest with yourself about what you want in life and in a woman. If you’re not ready for a long-term relationship, the perfect woman is still wrong for you. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.

This is a bullshit question that we get a lot from guys: “Is it okay for me to feel [insert any desire or subjective emotion]?” In this Q&A, Tucker Max, Dr. Geoffrey Miller, and Nils Parker talk about how whatever you feel and want is cool. Your emotions, what you are feeling, are always valid. If your girlfriend changes, you are not obligated to be attracted to her and those changes. In this case, his girlfriend is trying to shame him into ignoring what he feels. This is ridiculous for many reasons that the guys explain in detail here. This episode is sponsored by Dude Wipes, the first flushable wipes for men. Check them out on Amazon for free shipping and sales this month.