The Cancer Caregiver

Welcome to part two of our interview with Michelle Kolling, in this discussion we talk about the importance of open conversations about death, the value of allowing oneself to grieve, and the need for seeking and offering help during caregiving. Find more information about Michelle and the transcript of our interview at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this insightful conversation, Charlotte Bayala speaks with Michelle Kolling, an end-of-life doula, grief coach, and death educator. Michelle explains her role as an end-of-life doula, providing physical, practical, emotional, and spiritual support to individuals and their families during the dying process. They discuss the importance of early preparation for end-of-life care, navigating the emotional challenges, and making the most of the time left with loved ones. Michelle shares her personal journey that led her to this profession, highlighting the transformative and often beautiful aspects of the end-of-life experience. Find the full transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, we dive deep into the subject of feeling criticized when people tell you to take care of yourself. We'll discuss how others may feel they are contributing to your well-being by pointing out facts you already know, and why people may care about your well-being for their own comfort or convenience. Join us as we question the effectiveness of those who offer help without truly supporting you. We'll delve into the message that no one truly cares if you practice self-care or figure things out, as it is often easier for them to simply give advice rather than provide genuine support. Together, we'll explore the importance of taking control of your own well-being, regardless of how tired or busy you may feel, and why prioritizing yourself is crucial for being an effective caregiver. Find the transcript and access the newsletter at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, we delve into the complex and often conflicting emotions that arise when things go well in caregiving. Charlotte reflects on her experience of receiving positive news about her loved one's illness, and the unexpected mixture of relief, concern, happiness, irritation, disbelief, and guilt that accompanied it. She grapples with how to share this news with others, wanting to avoid misconceptions and maintain a realistic perspective on her loved one's condition. Join us as we explore the challenges of celebrating "unremarkable" test results, the weight of a decade of caregiving, and the importance of embracing vulnerability in the face of uncertainty. Let's dive in and learn to navigate the moments when caregiving takes a surprising turn. Find the transcript and access to the newsletter at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, we're tackling a topic that hits close to home for many caregivers: the fear of judgment and the impact it can have on our lives. From personal experiences of harsh criticism to the hesitation to seek support, we'll explore how fear of judgment affects decision-making, communication, and emotional well-being. Join us as we navigate through the complexities of judgment, share stories of resilience, and remind caregivers that they are not alone in this journey. Find the transcript for this episode and links mentioned at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In today's episode, we delve into the world of caregiving and entrepreneurship, featuring the incredible story of Melissa Miller. Join us as we explore how Melissa has navigated the complex terrain of caregiving while building a successful business. From documenting important medical information to finding systems that work for her, Melissa shares her insights and strategies for balancing family, caregiving, and entrepreneurship. We'll also discuss the importance of self-care, adjusting priorities, and being true to oneself in the midst of life's challenges. Get ready for an inspiring and informative conversation on how to love your caregiving life. Find more about Melissa's offerings and read the transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Let's get real—escaping for a night or a weekend won't cut it. Listen to this episode to learn how not to let your escape make you resent caregiving even more. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Are you a spousal caregiver who yearns for the connection you once had with your partner? I know how caregiving can blur the lines of your loving relationship, but don't lose hope! It's time to bring back the spark and find new ways to connect. Let's dive into creative date ideas that can be enjoyed right at home. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Are you feeling trapped in caregiver mode, unable to switch off and enjoy the summer? In this episode, we'll discuss the dangers of being stuck in caregiver mode and how it hinders your ability to relax and recharge. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this week's episode, we delve into a game-changer: sharing self-care activities with your loved one. It's time to reconnect and bring laughter and smiles back into your lives! Dive into the full podcast episode now for practical tips and inspiring anecdotes to unlock your summer liberation as a caregiver! Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Feeling trapped by caregiving this summer? It's time to break free and reclaim your personal freedom! Join me as we dive into practical strategies that will have you embracing the joys of summer, even as a caregiver. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

As a caregiver, it's essential to acknowledge and validate your emotions, even the difficult ones. Join us as we explore the profound impact of caregiver sadness and how embracing it can lead to personal growth and resilience. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Brace yourself for a no-holds-barred conversation that unveils the unspoken truth of the caregiver's journey. It's time to break free from the suffocating silence and shed light on the raw emotions we've been afraid to share. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Together, we unravel the underlying reasons behind the desire to escape and discuss the guilt and shame that often accompany these feelings. No judgments here—just an open dialogue that aims to empower and uplift. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In episode 210, I dive into the heart of the matter. Caregiving isn't just about supporting someone who is sick or in need; it also entails acknowledging our own struggles and the toll it takes on our lives. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, I dive deep into the captivating world of music and its profound impact on our well-being. Discover how melodies can transport you back to unforgettable moments, elevate your mood, and provide solace during challenging times. Learn how to use music as a tool to enhance your caregiving life. Find more resources at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Ever felt that uncomfortable pang of envy when you see others living their best lives? Let's talk about something that's been weighing on your heart. You know those moments when you stumble upon your friend's vacation pictures or hear about someone's incredible news, and instead of feeling joy, you feel a mix of sadness and resentment? Yeah, it happens to the best of us. But here's the thing: you're not alone, and it doesn't make you a bad person. Let's dive deeper into this emotional rollercoaster together. Listen to Episode 208 and find more caregiving support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Have you ever been shut down by the two most frustrating words of caregiving: 'at least'? In this episode, we talk about why those words hurt so much and how to support caregivers in a more helpful way. Find the full transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

A brief summary of this episode

Feeling stressed about mealtime as a caregiver? It's a common struggle that can create a lot of unnecessary pressure. But what if I told you there's an organization that can help ease that burden? Listen to the latest episode of our podcast as we talk to Courtney Johnson, founder of Culinary Care, and learn how her organization is supporting families living with cancer, one meal at a time. Don't miss out on this inspiring conversation! Find full transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Caregiving can be exhausting, but taking care of yourself doesn't have to be. In this episode, we're talking about the power of an evening ritual to help you feel refreshed and rejuvenated for the next day. From simple habits to mindset shifts, we'll share easy-to-implement tips that will help you make the most of your evenings. Tune in and discover how small changes can lead to big benefits! Find the breathing link mentioned in this episode at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Are you tired of starting your caregiving day feeling stressed and overwhelmed? It's time for a change! Join us in this episode to learn how to transform your morning routine into a calming ritual that sets the tone for a positive day ahead. From simple habits to powerful affirmations, we've got you covered. Let's start your day off right!

Calling all caregivers! Are you struggling to prioritize self-care and feeling guilty about taking time for yourself? You're not alone. In this episode, we discuss the power of creating small rituals to reduce stress and improve well-being. Join us as we share our personal experiences and tips to help you establish self-care practices that fit into your busy schedule. Find more caregiving content at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Are you feeling burnt out from caregiving? It's time to prioritize your own needs! Join us in this episode as we share simple daily self-care rituals that will help you feel centered and calm. Because self-care doesn't have to be a big production, it can be as simple as integrating little rituals into your day.

Are you a caregiver who's anxious about the prospect of needing care yourself? Or are you someone who wants to understand the complexities of caregiving from a different perspective? In this episode, Charlotte explores the flip side of caregiving - when she becomes the care receiver. Listen in as she delves into her experience as a caregiver who had to face her fears of needing care during her recovery from ACL surgery. Through her story, Charlotte discusses the challenges of letting go of control, the guilt that comes with needing care, and the loss of autonomy that occurs when one becomes the care receiver. Charlotte also highlights the importance of paying attention to the needs and preferences of the care receiver and how this can ease the caregiving process. Tune in to this episode to gain a deeper appreciation for the complex interplay between caregiving and care-receiving. FInd show transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, Charlotte discusses resentment as it relates to caregiving. Resentment is a complex and multilayered emotion that can arise in response to perceived wrongdoing, such as feeling invisible or unappreciated as a caregiver. As a caregiver, it's common to feel a range of emotions like fear, anger, and worry, but resentment is different and can be particularly challenging to manage. Charlotte shares insights into her experience of resentment as a caregiver and how she coped with these feelings. T une in to hear about the signs of resentment and how to manage it in a healthy way. This episode is for you if you're a caregiver who has ever felt alone or unsupported. Show transcript can be found at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

In this episode, we explore the powerful benefits of singing and humming, and how it can reduce stress and improve mental health. As a caregiver, it can be difficult to find time for self-care, but singing and humming can be done anytime and anywhere. Charlotte shares how singing has been a source of comfort and self-care for her, and provides tips for incorporating it into your daily routine. Whether it's humming like a bee or belting out your favorite childhood song, singing can help reduce stress and bring joy to your life. So come hum along with us and discover the transformative power of music! Find show transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Knowing that you are unhappy with being a caregiver is not enough. You have to want more. You have to believe you deserve more. Being able to enjoy time with your loved one while they are still here has to mean more. But unless you really want change it will never happen. My words mean nothing. This feeling you have right now whether it be hope for a brighter future or a sliver of inspiration will mean nothing if you don’t act. I can’t make that happen. You can’t find it in a book or in a class because the switch that needs to be flipped is only inside of you. The potential is already there. Listen to find out how and find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

A piece of caregiving advice. When asking someone to help you… play to their strengths. Play to a person’s strengths or interests and you will have a better time getting the support you need. For example… I have a friend that helps me by making meals at times when caregiving is stressful. She just knows when to jump in. She also knows how to mow a lawn… I’ve seen her do it. She’ll enjoy making meals 1,000 times more than mowing my lawn. I have never asked her to mow my lawn and enjoy meals she brings us. Find what someone is good at (or thinks they’re good at) and you’ll find what they would be best at helping you with. In this episode, I discuss how playing to someone's strengths or interests can help you get the support you need in your caregiving journey. I share personal experiences and practical tips on how to identify what tasks your loved ones or friends can help with and how to ask for their assistance. By doing so, you can alleviate some of the stress and focus on self-care. Listen to episode 156 of the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast to learn how to decide who can help you with the tasks you need to stop doing so you can focus on caregiving and yourself more. Find more at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

"It's often the small things that break caregivers down, even though they try to put on a strong front. In this episode, you are encouraged to identify what tasks or chores they struggle with the most and accept help with them. Listen to learn of the importance of letting go of the myth that caregivers should do everything on their own and how slowing down is necessary for self-care. Find more support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Feel like just getting by isn’t enough for you anymore? Yes, you're “getting by” with how things are right now. The purpose is, however, to find a way to help you enjoy life as a caregiver. That doesn’t mean enjoy caregiving. If you do that’s fine but you don’t have to. What I would hope for you is that you can enjoy your life even though you are a caregiver. So let’s just try to consider doing better than “getting by” for a moment. Listen to episode 154 of the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast to learn how you can go from just getting by to actually enjoying life. Find more caregiver resources including the digital monthly subscription Caregiving Confessions at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Would you like to be able to gain the help you deserve but always find yourself at a loss when people ask how they can help you? In this episode, I share the process I go through with caregivers I work with. In short, it all comes down to realizing how much you do all day and most importantly what you really could benefit from not doing. In this episode, I explain how to go about identifying everything you do. Remind you of the things you most likely will forget to put down. Help you through the emotional roadblocks most caregivers come across in going through this exercise. Gaining the support you deserve starts with understanding what people can really help you with. Find more caregiver support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Do you hate it when people tell you to let them know how they can help? Caregiving Confession… over time I started to get angry when people told me to let them know how they can help. It felt like an empty offer. Almost like someone asking me how I was and not expecting me to say anything but “I’m ok”. I found it a little insensitive sometimes because I felt they were giving me more work to think of something they can do. Other times I was so overwhelmed I knew I had to get help with some things but didn’t know where to start in figuring out what to ask for. Listen to this episode to hear why you might be irritated when people ask for help and how you can start to figure out how to take them up on their offers so you can enjoy your life as a caregiver. Find more caregiver support at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

I’ve made the mistake of being a do it all caregiver. I controlled what I could at a time of high anxiety and stress. There were too many moving parts and if I didn’t map out their trajectory from the very start I was worried there would be a cataclysmic crash that would result in me … feeling like a failure! It didn’t take long before I began to feel the effects of doing it all. My outlet became crying. After a while, I finally realized I had to ask for help. So I met with my doctor and I cried as I told her about my crying. After we spoke for a few moments she told me she felt I was crying because of unproductive worry. So I instantly wanted to know how to get better at it! Listen to the rest of the story on episode 151 and learn what productive worry is and how you can address it in your own life so you can have time to worry about things that really matter. Find the transcripts and more at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Historically February is the worst month of the year for me. I just always feel stuck. This is the time of the year that I sit bitterly watching reality tv shows that take place in the tropics or binge watch anything that takes place in another part of the world so I can both hate that I’m not there and fantasize about being there. During this time I have to work hard to limit complaining to my friends, temper my frustration at home with my family and speak more tenderly to myself. I have to remind myself…”It’s ok… you’re going to make it through this. Be ok with being uncomfortable.” How many times have you done anything to forget how uncomfortable caregiving is for you? Listen to episode 150 to learn how being uncomfortable is normal and what you can do when it happens to you. Find more episodes and downloads as https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Caregiving changes relationships. It makes things weird, messy, and complicated at best, and it closes the book on what was our relationship with the loved ones we care for. You just want to be in the story you were living before caregiving. Then one day you look at yourself in the mirror and realize you don’t recognize the person looking back at you. Listen to episode 148 to hear how finding yourself will affect your relationships in the future. Find more at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

This episode is an interview with August Spree from Twist Out Cancer. Listen today to learn about the wonderful art based programs Twist Out Cancer provides for cancer survivors, previvors and cancer caregivers! Find links to Twist Out Cancer programs at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Do you feel like you had a choice in becoming a caregiver? Most people become caregivers because it just made sense. You were the one that was dependable enough, strong enough and the one who didn’t know to or couldn’t say no. That’s the problem. Most of us don’t know we can say no. Listen to episode 147 of the Love Your Caregiving Podcast and read the transcript at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

The other day I was venting to my husband about something that was really upsetting to me. I took my time to set up the scene and explain to him what happened. He actively looked like he was listening and then… he made the mistake of trying to fix it. When my husband tried to fix my problem it made me feel misunderstood. I wondered if he was really hearing what I was trying to tell him or if he was spending all of that time figuring out how to fix it. Feeling misunderstood led to a sharp feeling of loneliness that showed up as anger. Caregivers feel misunderstood often and our feelings of loneliness are strengthened simply by feeling like no one get’s what we’re going through. Listen to Episode 146 to hear, ❤️How you can access what your needs are from the people you speak with. 👉🏼The importance of understanding that we have to be brave enough to be vulnerable in order to be seen. 💪Why we need to be strong enough to ask for what we need and love ourselves enough to know what those needs really are. Find more at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

I’m sitting here writing this to you on the second week of January and I have a confession to make… my Christmas decorations are still up. Things are not going to plan. The constant reminder that a chore needs to be completed is both frustrating and upsetting at the same time. Maybe it isn’t your holiday decorations that are the problem but there is more than likely something that needs to be done that the health of your family and the weight of caregiving has made it difficult for you to do. Christmas decorations in the middle of January may seem like the least of a caregivers worries. You’re right! That is exactly why they’re still up. Listen to episode 145 of the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast to learn how my decision tree works and how it helps me focus on what is most important for me and my family. Find Love Your Caregiving Life at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

This time last year my husband and I started downsizing our lives so we could move from our suburban home in Minneapolis to a condo in Chicago. It made us realize that we were really excited about some of the responsibilities we no longer needed to worry about. Responsibilities stressed me out when my husband wasn’t physically able to do them during the years his cancer took a larger role in our lives. Listen to episode 144 to hear more about ⭐️How downsizing in our life allowed us to enjoy it more. ❤️Work through what you might be willing to let someone else do for you so you can spend more time doing more of what’s important in your caregiving life. 👉🏼Understand how sometimes “because we always do it this way” isn’t always the nest way. Find transcripts and more at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Let’s talk about why hating yourself isn’t a requirement for change. Your needs matter. You don’t have to find a reason to hate yourself in order to justify doing them. Listen to episode 143 to learn, ❤️How to choose the change you want in life without the need to hate yourself in order to do it. ❤️How to make positive life changes that set you up to succeed. ❤️Ways to not fall into the trap of New Years resolutions that will only serve to make you feel bad about yourself. Find more at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Why do we hurt our ability to enjoy the small moments in our lives by being controlled by what might happen in the future? How many times do you find yourself laughing with a group of people and then remember your loved one has a doctor’s appointment next week and suddenly feel your stomach drop? Or maybe living in constant worry of the possibility of losing your loved one to the point that you can never enjoy the day you’re living in with them? Listen to Episode 142 to hear more on how you can enjoy living with your loved one and make more opportunities to enjoy life with them. You can find more at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

When you think of it, aren’t the “bad” times and experiences in your life what make you who you are? When you think about your caregiving do you know you can make it through difficult things because of the vacation you took three years ago or because you were able to advocate for your loved one last month? Listen to episode 141 of the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast to find out why we only document the good and try to quickly forget the things that change us and why my camera roll is only full of Chicago sunsets and smiling faces? Find the Transcript at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

How many times have you been out with someone and suddenly they'll give you a weird look and ask if you’ve been walking around like that all day? Have you had two different shoes on all day or wait, I thought your hair was up when we left. When was the last time you really saw your loved one? It’s so easy to do. I mean in a - why didn’t you tell me I forgot to button up my shirt before we left the house kind of way. We just take for granted that they’re there. We see the space they’re taking up but don’t really look at them. We walk alongside our loved ones for so long that we fail to truly see them. Listen to or read episode 140 to hear more on why it’s important to notice your loved one and how to use that to strengthen your relationship. Find more support at www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Here’s the thing… gratitude isn’t standing around the dinner table holding hands with people you haven’t seen in a year, feverishly trying to think up a new thing you can say you’re grateful for because Aunt Mary already took what you were going to say! Gratitude is not just a holiday theme. It isn’t a one-and-done kinda thing. In fact, I love that gratitude gets the spotlight for one-twelfth of the year because I believe it is a powerful practice and is something I do all the time. Gratitude is a practice. You aren’t supposed to be good at it on your first try. How do you work on it? You try your best to find things you are grateful for and acknowledge when that feeling of gratitude or thankfulness genuinely shows up. For example… Let’s say someone hands something to you and you say “thank you”. If you were practicing gratitude you would take a moment to really be thankful for it. Thank you can be such a mechanical thing to say. If you are practicing gratitude then simply really being thankful for something when you say thank you can be a great place to start. Listen to episode 139 to learn more about what gratitude actually is and ways you can start practicing it today. Find a free gratitude sheet in the show notes at https://www.loveyourcaregivinglife.com/blog/episode-139-gratitude-and-thankfulness-don-t-have-to-be-bad-words-for-caregivers

Usually, the topic of gratitude pops up when life is already too difficult for you to handle as a caregiver. Usually, around the holidays the gratitude message becomes powerful and you can feel surrounded by it. You’ll see it in holiday commercials, on social media, and in almost any conversation you find yourself in. Or worse yet… the awkward gratitude circle your family always forms right before you’re allowed to eat. Listen to Episode 138 of the Love Your Caregiving Life podcast to learn why it’s ok to be angry about gratitude. Find more caregiving support including the digital caregiving magazine Caregiving Confessions at www.loveyorucaregivinglife.com

Turbulence is never a science. You could hear there could be some bumps along that way and on the other end of it realize it really wasn’t anything to worry about. Or the turbulence hits out of thin air and it takes you by surprise. Either way… you’ve learned that there is a certain amount of unpredictability when you fly and you have to choose how you will approach that each time you get on a plane. Caregiving is the same way.

We’ve all been forced to face how unfair life can be… so are you a glass empty or glass full type of person? I think I’m a… hope the waiter comes soon because I’m thirsty type. I do walk through life expecting the best. Don’t you deserve the best? You doubted that when I said it didn’t you? But really… don’t you deserve the best? What if the best isn’t a cure. What if the best is seeing what is good in your life? Listen to episode 136 to find out how I make sure that glass is filled as high or as low as I need for it to be.

Do you have moments when you realize you have a particular thing you do with your loved one that only makes sense to the two of you? Have you been caregiving for so long that the back story would take way too long to explain it to anyone else? Love that you can look at each other, smile and know exactly what the other person is thinking? Or maybe you’re like me and realize sometimes that your caregiving role can look a little weird to people who just don’t get it. Listen to episode 135 and hear how meeting a new oncologist made me realize how dysfunctional some of my caregiving duties can look like from the outside and still make complete sense for my husband and I.