Shutdown Fullcast

Michigan won the charity bowl, again, and Spencer and Holly bring Randy and Jason Sklar on to discuss important Wolverine matters. Because this is the Fullcast, this turns out to mean “the episode is mostly about Grey’s Anatomy.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- There is no describing this episode. Look, just play it. You’ll get there. - Alternate title was going to be THE TICK WAR EPISODE - The LEAST upsetting voice in this episode is Spencer’s Joe Paterno, if that tells you anything - In a shocking revelation, at least one member of this podcast thinks it used to be “too easy to obtain dynamite in this country”! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When you think about it, we’re all just running downhill for Jesus Second Easter of quarantine, reviewed (bad!) Presidents’ Days of the future, improved Ryan invites the ire of nautical cocaine traffickers worldwide, for business purposes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• How much y’all reckon it would cost to just buy a football program outright? • Short on new can’t-miss business ideas this week, but almost positive we’re the first media outlet to suggest militarizing rodeo clowns • Who are you, “officer," to tell us we “cannot” jetski through the Suez Canal • Ryan invents a game that reveals just how easy Spencer would be to steal from • There are manatee noises! It’s not cute!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Jason, Spencer, Holly, and Ryan break down early-round action in the 2021 NCAA men’s and women’s basketball tournaments. Like and subscribe to our college football podcast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Please welcome Skylab Carl, Tequila Derek, and Judge Catfish Which tiger-affiliated school is the least equipped to handle rapidly moving water? Spencer fights against the strictures of both biology and physics, again Thrill to Ryan’s tale of Florida’s sovereign sinkhole! A robust debate: What is the perfect size of bird to fight? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Imagining the world’s first gig economy coal mine! See beautiful Hispaniola, by crate! Spencer operates the annual coaching carousel quiz and it turns out Wakeyleaks has leaked entirely out of our skulls SOME SORT OF BUTCH JONES WORMHOLE OCCURS Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Hey y’all, Les Miles got fired in the middle of this show, and we pivoted about as adeptly as you might expect. - Which American fast food chain serves a CHICKEN SANDWICH AS A SIDE ITEM AT BREAKFAST, but NOT IN AMERICA? - What color y’all reckon Prince Philip’s blood is? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You’re probably not going to play professional football, so how should you decide where to attend college? Our academic survey can tell you! The “Which school has the most convenient parking" answers won’t surprise you; the “Which school has the best food" answers definitely will! Also covered: The crucial categories of “waterslide availability" and “places to take a nap in public" Eat shit, US News & World Report The University of Texas’s clutch of Panera-level fascist boosters don’t deserve a good-faith argument, and you shouldn’t give them one! A Charity Bowl challenge is issued! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Stop asking us if it’s Blood Week every time a ranked team loses, you’ll know when it’s Blood Week, this applies to FCS ball too Holy shit that was an amazingly bloody Blood Week of FCS ball even by our own hemoglobin-happy standards Spencer is trying to get us into F1 Why have none of y’all ever informed us that “international go-karting” was an available career option Does anybody know how to determine if we have any remaining international go-karting eligibility Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Hey y’all, it’s the FCS draft episode, where we overcome our current general disdain for sports to pick spring football teams! - Featuring a brief but violent detour into the Boise State-Idaho rivalry! - Our collective safari into perfecting our Maine accents continues? - Never admit what is or isn’t gumbo on the internet. - “Spencer, I have a money question" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- It’s our advanced sports analytics episode! How advanced? Advanced past what? Mind your own business! - What are we using our film review skills for? Breaking down that Oklahoma bathroom fight, are you new here? - As a team, we feel pretty confident we could perform a number of basic medical procedures in the field. Listen along to find out which! - Adding to the ever-expanding roster of basic concepts Spencer has no grasp of, we can now add “sitcoms” and “human bones” - Dabo will never be a great leader of history because Genghis Khan paid his players Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Can't sleep, must think about Baconator --an ode to the most essential Panda Express on the planet --All Gus Malzahn does is cash checks he will never spend --Everyone belongs to one of four human tribes: The Zappers, Wild Aces, Beasts, or Glacier Boyz --Holly challenges us to work onside kicks into every sport --YE ATE ME DART --Spencer just wants to steal horses Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Why is Ben Franklin smiling on the 100 bill? Because he's pantsless --NCAA FOOTBALL IS BACK! (Again. Not more than it was. On the way? BACK.) --Ryan on why Congress should pass legislation to bring back Banjo and Kazooie --A brief diversion into a musical about Aaron Burr slapping Alexander Hamilton to death --Which schools in the new NCAA video game that should be inherently corrupt --The challenge of putting fake facilities in the game more absurd than the real ones --Did you know Auburn's current football facility has a flight simulator? You do now! --A proposal for real coaches, i.e. your staff might be mostly inept family members --BOOSTER MODE --Holly issues an amazing challenge for next week's episode Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Spencer is described by his co-workers as "a dog with a plunger" --Play the game "EPL name or NFL Assistant" --Jason demands that you LEARN. FOOTBALL. --Tom Brady, the ultimate "let's get a game-winning FG" QB ever --An alternate history where Mike Vick steals whale sharks from the GA Aquarium --We turn Kirby Smart into a Turkish soccer team --Imagining the living hell of raising five Gronkowskis Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Spencer and Ryan duel to see who can hold the longest WELLLCOME, and Spencer almost dies --a review of the DIAMOND HANDS LIFESTYLE, or how the whole world is living the #FullcastLyfe now --A review of Ren Faires, and why they are not Med Faires --Jared Goff is smarter than all of us --Matt Stafford, Daydrinking Nap God --Picking out teams clearly free-riding on other teams' effort --How almost every SEC team is quantitatively trying toooo hard --Has anyone ever peed on the moon? --We pick the LUCRATIVE DEAD MALL STONKS OF THE FUTURE for you Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Why are you even asking if we bought GameStop stock? Of course we bought GameStop stock Spencer invented a game! That’s not as bad as it sounds! Why are you flinching? Anyway, the game goes like this: Can you pick hit or miss coaching hires throughout history based solely on their records? Turns out we can’t, but we CAN reunite Ryan with his coaching spirit soulmate Which former Colorado head coach is Holly’s new life coach? With Enough Flex Tape, You Can Live Forever (Shutdown Fullcast not currently sponsored by Flex Tape) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It’s the cryptocurrency episode! Spencer wants to invest $100 in bitcoin live on the air, and we may not be able to talk him out of it! The Vitruvian Man, updated for the modern age! (it’s Kid Rock, sorry) The four bodily humors, updated for the modern age! (one of them is Fritos, sorry) In honor of the NFL playoffs, the team goes looking for the best clam chowder in Tampa, sorry Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We can exclusively report that Homophobic Country Ham With A Headset On It has turned down the Tennessee job An abbreviated list of players and coaches about whom we have been Quite Wrong, footballishly speaking So we’ll be talking about Josh Allen for quite a bit Just draft Bama guys, anybody named after an Egyptian allfather, and Rondale Moore Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In keeping with Fullcast tradition, we belly-flop into the offseason by restarting our Disasters Playlist, this time centered around “times you have set things on fire that were not supposed to be on fire.” Includes the following instant-classic story elements: • “We did not have a fireplace.” • “The smoke was visible for miles around.” • “Ants survived.” • “It was like a terra-cotta jet engine.” Also, this very quickly becomes our long-awaited musical episode. Surprise! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ill-advised napping locations we have known Sark Week goes sideways, fast Injuries invented during the course of this episode: sex hernia, gamer’s knee, online toe Right, the title game So: What is “the failure state”? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Definitely forgot we had to do one more show before the title game! We are so tired! - Magnets, fondly remembered - Make time for an old friend, and for Meatloaf - If you’ve read this far, we feel comfortable disclosing you are now a member of the John Wick Fitness Empirium. Cancel anytime! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

* Folks, they called the Senate runoffs pretty much right in the middle of recording this thing, and then they cancelled Caillou, and we found out about all of this mid-show, so just bear with us okay * There may or may not be a title game in five days, sure * Holly becomes the final Fullcasteer to come up with a voice that she is never allowed to do on the show again * A robust amount of NFL coaching carousel analysis * You’re probably overpaying for snakes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

—Jacksonville’s mayor wants to fight people —Why you can’t legally call paying Lane Kiffin “an investment” —Ryan tells Notre Dame why you can’t be aggressively cautious during a football game —Clay Helton, formulated for the sensitive stomachs of senior cats —KIRBY! —The Italian Christmas Donkey was the Lamborghini of 32 AD —#Justice4Han Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ted Lasso, McDonalds meme history, and surprisingly affordable Soviet underwater spear guns: You’re g-d right it’s bowl season Ronald Reagan’s arming Bills fans! Flee for your lives! We finally get Ryan to admit he’s our lawyer, on tape One (1) reader question, answered Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Christmas gifts, reviewed Fast food chicken situations of the Roman Empire, reviewed Some football, reviewed A slightly abridged history of medicine Cheez-It Bowl preview! Sure! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Lotta sniffles in this episode folks! Hope you and yours are holding up better than we are On the anniversary of Spencer revealing he thinks reindeer are some sort of dog, we have just about got him convinced sharks are mammals A rare appearance by our producer, Surber, with thrilling results An extended bedtime story to remind our readers of the true reason for the season: goat festival crimes Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Jetski crimes, again - But different jetski crimes, this time - Playoffs, sure, whatever - Ryan makes Holly cry, not for any of the usual reasons - Any of y’all ever try fishing with a Taser? Please let us know Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--A man jetskied across the Irish Sea for love and he wasn't even from Alabama --How a dad jailed for jetskiing to another country could never parent effectively again --Ryan auditions for the CFB Playoff committee --Actual impassioned profane hollerin' about the very bad playoff rankings --No one cares about downtrodden underdog USC (no really, it's a thing) --"When Greg McElroy is on the barricades with you, it's over" --Talking about games no one wants to happen this weekend because everyone is very tired --Texas A&M vs. Ole Miss: The game where everything's made up, and nothing matters Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome to the Spartacus multiverse Which US state has the most snakes? The answer may surprise you! Jason and Ryan conduct a protracted legal battle of wills Auburn’s up to some Auburn antics, Auburnly Investment advice for the newly wealthier Gus Malzahn Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--We TALK ABOUT THE BUCKS. (Because we have to.) --The super-cursed excellent life of Justin Fields --The playoff rankings are still scared of Coastal Carolina --Army/Navy is happening in a regular weekend, world is ending --LSU is the problem that never gets fixed --"I watched them take my team apart like a cheap chicken" --What ancient empire built a wall around its recruiting territory? --How Barry Switzer was obviously Julius Caesar in a former life Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Coastal Carolina and BYU played the Game of the Century --We learn about CCU's best majors, Theft and Rhetoric --Don't let your friends take the South Carolina job! --Dusty Rhodes should have played Gandalf in LOTR --Iowa State is currently having their best season ever --Another edition of "Spencer Knows Musical" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--An opener with the most amazing glitch in Fullcast history --20 minutes about Scottish food and booze including the legend of CLAPSHOT --We apologize to Michigan for our sins against The Mitten --BYU could have gone 30-0 and still missed the playoff --Jason shares a terrifying Notre Dame stat --We ask: Did the Russians put an ape with a shotgun into space? --Spencer does one accent passably well? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--what is the Pac-12 even doing, at all --Jason goes on a voyage to cook his gigantic turkey --Maryland is a state made entirely of panhandles --the Egg Bowl and how Elijah Moore still got flagged --Mike Leach lectures on the Kung Fu Empire --The underwater booing of Jets fans in bronze diving helmets --Another edition of "Is this a real musical?" (with South Carolina connections!) --We accidentally say insightful and accurate things about Michigan football Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Is Notre Dame just Fat Navy? The gang takes genuine offense on behalf of BYU and Cincinnati It’s not a real rivalry game if you’re not psychotic with anxiety beforehand; anyway, here’s Georgia-South Carolina This IS the internet’s only Texas volleyball podcast DO IT AGAIN ELIJAH, ASCEND THE THRONE OF HEAVEN AND CLAIM YOUR CROWN OF IMMORTALITY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Aw shucks it’s just li’l ole Dabo, tryin’ to shove a camel through the eye of a needle again! Ain’t he cute, folks? - Please lift our brother Matt Leinart up in your thoughts while he braves as many as several weeks without a trip to the Burbank Cheesecake Factory - Rutgers and Michigan star in, “Valentino Ambrosio Imbroglio.” Ten stars. - Where were YOU when you realized every morsel of happiness you experienced this weekend emanated from the Big Ten? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Mail(SINGULAR)bag! One (1) reader question, answered in detail, concerning the looming Big Ten Championship Game - Spencer begins with an apology and promptly says a whole bunch of other shit he’ll have to apologize for next week - The entire crew has some shit to say to Martin Luther - A display of what is guaranteed to be the worst Queen of England accent you have ever heard in your natural lives Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- WILL MUSCHAMP WILL HEADBUTT YOUR FAVORITE DONKEY IF YOU DON’T GIVE HIM ANOTHER JOB - The Big Ten football story everybody’s talking about: Tom Allen vs. Inhuman Amounts Of Lasagna - Introducing the Hacksaw Gantry series of airport novels - Northwestern would like to remind the proctor that some classmates don’t have their cameras on! - Lenin’s corpse: good rivalry trophy?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Another 60-minute half-hour of college football preview content, beginning with at least one game that doesn’t exist anymore! - Spencer has robot blindness, to the surprise of absolutely no one - Introducing NanoCrabs™! #TheSplotchWasGood - Miami Batman answers to the Council of Badgers - One (1) reader question, answered in thoughtful and thorough detail - It used to be a lot easier to just buy dynamite! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- A real-time on-air exploration of the small business community of Appomattox, Virginia - A frankly uncomfortable amount of seriously-taken football analysis, sorry bout it - Ryan accidentally opens the ark of the covenant of Holly’s Tennessee football feelings, and everyone pays the ultimate price - The gang engages in a little discourse with the mechanisms of government - Jason has some things to say to Clemson Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

—state-themed candles reviewed, including one that literally explodes, and also a shocking Missouri one —Ryan makes Spencer cry with a reading —Jason surveys the wonders of Texas beating a clearly superior OK State team leading to LONGHORN GRAVITY GUN CONSPIRACY THEORIES —Dan Mullen did the thing he does: making it worse —Georgia is the Ohio of the South —Oregon continues the most efficient season in college football history —The Feast of the Rowdy Uncles is this week, aka how Pliny the Elder vaped a geological phenomenon —yes we know there is a beer named after Pliny, we did not go to UGA and therefore do not care Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--A now completely obsolete discussion of the canceled Nebraska/Wisconsin game! --Why Indiana Jones never got tenure and was a serious national security risk --Mizzou/Florida should be interesting, no it will, please, come back nooo --- --SICKOS TIME (Hello Northwestern/Iowa) --Let's all pray that Auburn/LSU comes down to Jason's proposed "Three point safety" --Our reader question this week leads to Ryan living at a driving range Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Cajun Aquaman controls all the crawdads --A review of the weekend of special teams wonders, aka The Night of the Punter --INDIANA WON THE FOOTBALL GAME, THAT HAPPENED --Jim and Dan called a Michigan game and our dads got into a fight --A celebratory reading of Kentucky's amazing box score --Proposed: The Wisconsin Marathon (with post-race beers and brats, of course) --Holly dares the Donner Party to email her with complaints Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--A brief discussion of the World's Strongest Men and why they listen to the Fullcast --Will a Strongman eat your pets? We ask important questions here --We're calling that shot: Nebraska is going to beat Ohio State! --No one will remember this! If we're wrong, and we will be, it won't matter! --If we're right we will never let anyone forget how we called it! --Ryan and Jason invent the concept of "Fresno as America's 'base' in hide and seek" --A big discussion of this week's mailbag question: What is the worst kids' book? --And why is it a book about a child rampaging through a New York hotel without punishment or correction? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

-- Intro: Larry King is insane, and Spencer cannot pronounce "Tyra" -- Jet Pack Guy is the only person fully embracing 2020, and even he wouldn't land at South Carolina/Auburn -- Ryan believes Georgia failed in the second half against Bama due to simple math -- "Not only do they never run the ball, but they are terrible at it when they do" -- Jason, accurately, on Mississippi State -- How the Pac-12 might end up with no ranked teams -- Nothing in UNC/Florida State made any sense! -- A closing discussion of Larry King and why he is a legit crazy person Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Our 30-minute show centered around one reader question a) is 47 ½ minutes long and b) spends the first 11 minutes of the episode sharing our respective feelings about planets - Six (6) minutes later there is another brief detour back to the planets and our opinions thereof - All hail Jupiter, the stoutest Kentucky running back of the galaxy - An important opportunity for careful listeners to steal Spencer’s identity - A reader question is finally addressed. Was it yours?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--This week, Georgia is the pontoon boat with attached putting green of everyone's dreams --A thorough dissection of the AP poll for the first time in the show's history --Lane Kiffin had a panty on his head during the Alabama game --A review of Greco-Roman gods of the Georgia Piedmont --Note: This was recorded before Vandy/Mizzou got canceled! --Note: We talk about COVID and the season! In an accidentally prescient fashion! --Final note: Second show drops on Wednesday! Listen! Subscribe! OBEY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- Jason is back, show still falls apart in under a minute; it’s still Spencer’s fault so never say we’re inconsistent - Holly forgets what consonance is, shame her - A crockpot-based Twilight Zone episode ensues - Ryan leads a game of WOULD YOU RATHER: have a squirrel crawl down your throat OR call Lions games for 31 years?? - Definitely the most times we’ve ever said “jicama” on this show - One (one) reader question, answered at length. Was it yours??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

- SURPRISE MONDAY SHOW NONE SHALL KNOW THE HOUR - Jason is absent and it takes the rest of the gang all of one (1) minute of airtime to just completely fall apart - [CLAP CLAP] Oklahoma, one loss this time [CLAP CLAP] Two losses now! [CLAP CLAP CLAP] - Well it’s year 3 for Jimbo and it looks like WHO CARES GOT ATVS - Auburn spoils their own narrative arc with an early FIRE GUS spoiler - Please meet Ryan’s most devastating creation yet, “Sexual Anarchist Lane Kiffin” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices