Shutdown Fullcast

The Playoff has been settled upon and it's fine. It's all fine. We mostly ignore that in favor of picking our own Playoff Of Teams You Don't Want To Face, including USC, LSU, Florida State, and, yes, Pitt. We also: - Praise Virginia Tech, one of 2016's most confusing and wonderful teams - Acknowledge the one Playoff truth: it's all a long prank at the Big 12's expense - Handing out the People's Heisman - Prepare for Dana Holgorsen, Wise Elder of College Football - Try to guess at Breaking Bret Bielema news - Talk way too much about Florida - Including a brief Outback Bowl discussion EVEN THOUGH WE'RE ABOUT TO DO A TON OF BOWL PREVIEW EPISODES UGH STUPID SPENCER Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Football season's almost done and you're still listening to this terrible podcast, which says something about mankind's collective inability to change for the better. But since you're here, we: - Imagined the Playoff that has 3 Big 10 teams but Bama still winning - Let Spencer go way, way out on a Pac 12 limb that will almost certainly collapse - Figured out the fan base happiest to be done with 2016 - Identified the best part of the SEC Championship Game - Picked the worst coach Florida realistically hires if McElwain leaves for Oregon - Found out from Jason in real time that the Oregon job was open, making that McElwain replacement discussion so so so real Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yes, we talk about the Ohio State-Michigan game, but it takes longer to get there than it should because we podcast like your grandmother drives: far too slowly and dangerous to others at night. Other topics! - A coach-by-coach analysis of which SEC coaches are crap - Pitt-Syracuse broke math - Nodding approvals of Arizona, Iowa, and NC State - The scenario in which Brian Kelly gets carried off the field by his players - How tragically bad our preseason predictions were - Oregon, the hell are you doing? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode has a little bit of Thanksgiving: - Analyzing how drunk you can get in front of family - Ham thoughts - A plea to eat whatever you want A little bit of football: - Rivalry week, AKA Ruin Someone Else's Season Without Really Improving Your Own - How A&M can outfox Texas - Don't bet money on an Arizona game - Or an Arizona State game - The worst FSU hire(s) possible And a little bit of personal failures: - Ryan and Spencer are bad at dating - Spencer is also capable of immense meanness - Jason is the only good person here Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Though apparently you can lose to Iowa State, if you have really really really good hair. You can also lose to Boston College, but you have to be UConn, which, no, don't do that. You CAN'T lose to Central Michigan if you're Oklahoma State. They ran the numbers and it's mathematically impossible; please correct your flawed record book. Other topics! - Rutgers, and Paul Wulff proves it could be so much worse - Standing outside in the cold to prove you're tough - Colorado won't make the Playoff but dang that'd be awesome - An exploration of the madness that is the Apple Cup - Vanderbilt tuned up Ole Miss, in case you missed it - Tom Herman's airport habits - Notre Dame is 4-7, just FYI Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This is the block of text where I tell you what goes on in this week's episode, but, honestly, who can even remember? I know we talked about ice cream as it relates to the SEC-SoCon challenge, and what kind of butt each ACC team is. I vaguely recall a listener asking us how to make money, even though we're all financial idiots. Maybe there are game previews, but they're probably ill-conceived. Oh, Jason definitely called Florida moving back into the top 25. And Spencer made Ryan feel bad about himself. Plus some other stuff? In theory? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Fair warning: if you listen to this episode, you're going to hear Spencer scream IOWAAAAAAAA for a longer time than seems necessary. You will also hear - A tribute to Hawkeye punter Ron Coluzzi and Tales of Kinnick Intoxication - Actual positive discussion of Pitt, no fooling - Actual positive discussion of USC, what is wrong with us - Checking in on Boston College, that's more like it - Conference championship nightmare scenarios imagined - Auburn's um, interesting quarterback situation - Congratulating Wake Forest on their big hockey win Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The ass-ingest week of the college football season is here, and we are here to do two things: kick said ass, and chew bubble gum. And we are all out of bubble gum. Because we ate it. Because bubble gum is delicious, and something that tastes that good shouldn't be something you aren't supposed to eat. Topics of interest for week eleven: --We're going to talk about football, because that's our job! Nothing else. At least, not much of anything else before we go about our business. --It's a less-than-luminous week on the slate, but USC/Washington is happening. Do you call all USC quarterbacks "Matt" by default? Spencer does, and it makes so much sense when you start remembering that everyone who has ever played QB for the Trojans is actually a secret Matt. --How Washington coach Chris Petersen's greatest asset as a coach is calling an offensive game like a complete dick. (He's fine, personally! But calling plays like he does? Total dick, which is what you want when you --Hey listen Will Muschamp has had success with a young QB before, it's just not fun to remember when you're yelling about "LOL MUSCHAMP." Oh, and a reminder that there is the real possibility that a kid who could be playing his senior season in high school might have to face Alabama in the SEC Championship Game! That should probably be illegal! --Arkansas also plays LSU in the week's only other matchup of ranked teams. One is ranked #24 and one is ranked #25 but that still technically means ranked in the weakest possible definition of ranked. --A proposal for Oregon to hire Hugh Freeze, the man least personally compatible with living in Eugene, Oregon and working for Phil Knight --SOMETHING'S GOT TO GIVE BECAUSE O-5 IN BIG TEN PLAY MICHIGAN STATE PLAYS 0-5 RUTGERS LET'S KICK THIS SHIT OFF AT NINE A.M. AND SEE HOW SOON WE CAN GET IT OVER WITH --Notre Dame is playing Army in San Antonio, for some reason? --Let Jason do his best Dana Holgorsen impression, which he describes as "drunk Shawn Michaels." A meal eaten at 1 a.m. still counts as breakfast. --Washington/Cal is happening again so be prepared for seven hours of something sort of resembling football that will end in tears Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Ohio State-Nebraska! Vandy-Auburn! Iowa-Penn State! TCU-Baylor! These are but a few of the games that we managed to not discuss this week, in part because Spencer's internet connection died before we could. (The other part: we're biased and hate your team.) What did we talk about instead? - How Alabama is sabotaging its own championship hopes - When we decided LSU was dead - Designing a fitting trophy for Michigan State-Rutgers - Why the Pac-12 gives Spencer maximum entertainment - Ryan's the one mad at Florida now apparently - Special guest Brian Floyd breaks down Arizona - The holiest path ahead for Hugh Freeze Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Jason's outside again, which, yeah, means the sound's going to be a total disaster. Oh, and we talked about some football stuff, like: - What the Big 12 is for, if anything - The bowl prediction that pits Charlie Strong against Georgia - How to fix GameDay with more guns - Jim Harbaugh goes to a baseball game - Spencer's new nickname, Captain Beef - Which QBs we've seen absorb the most physical punishment - Notre Dame is playing Navy - In Jacksonville - Before noon - Why you shouldn't knock on Alabama's door on Halloween - Finding Ed Orgeron a home, possibly in the Marvel universe Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

West Virginia and Boise and Baylor and Nebraska were all undefeated. They aren't now, which, well, sorry y'all. This episode has a good five minutes of I don't really know what at the beginning, followed by this: - A conference referee taxonomy - Pointing out that Tennessee lost to a child quarterback born after the last Volunteer national title - Admiring Notre Dame's persistence in trying to lose yet again - Explaining how PJ Fleck will beat USC three times in 2017 - The origins of the universe as they relate to Georgia football - Doing Louisville a solid by saying very little about how they almost lost to UVA - Doing Ohio State a MAJOR solid by not even talking about the Northwestern game - A celebration of Wyoming winning by safety - DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES DUDES Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Week 9's games: pretty okay! There's an interesting Virginia Tech-Pitt clash on Thursday, a number of noon games you can watch instead of Kentucky-Mizzou on Saturday, a Baylor-Texas matchup that surely won't turn into a bunch of yelling and accusation hurling, one of Washington's last regular season chances to do something people will pay attention to, a Wisconsin-Nebraska game that one team will leave still undefeated, and Clemson-Florida State. Some of these games we talk about with analysis and thought! Many of them we do not and it's the same old bullshit and dumb jokes! One nice-ish thing is said about Notre Dame! Sort of! Papa John is discussed aaaaaagain! And we check in on Jason's bet with Steven Godfrey on whether or not Kansas can win 3 games. (Spoiler: maybe, but you'll need to wait a little.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Penn State knocked off #2 Ohio State with a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown, so naturally we take 10 minutes to get to that game and talk about LSU-Ole Miss first because we're terrible at identifying meaningfulness. Other points of digression include: - Whether Todd Graham has what it takes to use "chickenshit" in conversation - How to defeat Jim Harbaugh by preying on his crippling addiction to competition - Bill Snyder is not a nice person, don't fall for his kind grandpa thing - Kirk Ferentz does the job you paid him to do - Our government mandated statement of fealty to Alabama - A very rude trip through the Arkansas-LSU box score Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FULLCAST BACK. This time without Ryan, who we subbed out for Jane Coaston, MTV News writer, Michigan fan, and Hammering Panda evangelist. It’s like all the other podcasts where we bring someone else in: better by subtraction of one of our three inept selves, and then improved further by having an actual competent person on the show. TOPICS: The Hammering Panda and Man Berg, aka the Big Ten’s two best-named players taking the same field for Illinois/Michigan. This is the only reason to even think about this game. Discussion of the biggest game of the week...EASTERN MICHIGAN AT WESTERN MICHIGAN Fine, fine, we talk about the various fictions one has to write in order to get to a competitive and real Texas A&M/Alabama game. Remember how it’s in Tuscaloosa? That’s neat! Jason points out that the SEC West is set on random this year. See: Gus Malzahn, tough-minded, defense-first coach. Oregon/Cal exists? Why? What NC State is (a kind of demon raccoon that thrives in trash fires) and why they could theoretically be a problem in a noon game with Louisville The IT JUST MEANS MORE game of the week is MTSU/Mizzou, which Mizzou could totalllllllllllly lose Jason leaves like Mack Brown in the middle of the broadcast, meaning Jane and Spencer take advantage of the opportunity to yell about Colorado, which SEC coach is secretly a democrat, and why Chick-Fil-A needs to stop this stupid shit where they insist no one believed in chicken for breakfast WE ALWAYS BELIEVED IN CHICKEN FOR BREAKFAST Oh, and in those reader questions, we talk about how Baylor is the most hated team by media this season because almost no one in college football media has the faintest clue how to start talking about what happened at Baylor. That’s bad! As in really bad, as in almost as bad as conducting a report/review that you just summarized in a separate summary of public findings without naming individuals at all. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Because we cannot agree on whether Week 7 was good or bad, we broke it up into its constituent parts. GOOD: - Ohio State and Wisconsin, even though only one of them could win - ACC Lead Detective Mitch Trubisky - A bear eating hot dogs at a casual yet alarming rate (there's a connection here, don't worry) - Papa John being as Papa John as possible - Dino Babers and the Syracuse offense BAD: - Referees (see Tulsa v. Houston; In re Luke Falk Pass Attempt) - Spencer's attitude towards Florida - Kliff Kingsbury and the Texas Tech offense - Attempting to out-motivate P.J. Fleck - Georgia running the ball with a 5'8 wide receiver on 4th and 1 - Against Vanderbilt - Georgia lost to Vanderbilt NEITHER GOOD NOR BAD BUT MERELY FACT: - A lot of meanness concerning Notre Dame - Historic Purdue accomplishments - Arkansas 34, Ole Miss 30, a game we barely mentioned but please don't take it to mean anything, sometimes we just get distracted and stupid Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Some exciting pre-show banter definitely not left unintentionally in the audio --Reminder that Ole Miss/Arkansas is on this week, and unless it involves converting a 4th and 25 on a backwards pass it probably can't top last year --A definitive discussion of who gets purpler: Alex Jones or Brian Kelly? --Also a diversion into the oldest software in use to discuss college football on the internet, aka ND NATION, and a look at just how bad the rest of the season could be for Notre Dame. Put on Stanford/Notre Dame on the screen on your fridge! Let it simmer there for a while, like a fine reduction. --This is not a short conversation, we mock Notre Dame for at least ten minutes --MICHIGAN WE KNOW YOU'RE SMART, YOU TELL YOURSELVES AND US THAT ALL THE TIME -- --Who in the top ten is secretly assy, and about to display said assedness in the second half of the season? (Baaaaaadgers) --More desperate thrashing to create an argument against Alabama winning their game against Tennessee this week --Reader Kenny probably totally hates Ryan, but we let him stay at the party anyway and answer his question about Baylor probably hiring Sonny Dykes --This leads to noticing the Big 12 is pretty much loaded with gun-toting mascots, or those who need them immediately --Why Ohio State will play just fine this weekend against Wisconsin and still get dinged for it --Teams that don't have live mascots who need live mascots, like the Indiana Hoosiers, who just need a regular guy from Indiana to sit on the sidelines in a sweatshirt and cheap jeans --West Virginia's only played four games? Cool, on that throwback schedule --WAKE FOREST PLAYING FSU WITH A BETTER ACC RECORD ON THE TENTH ANNIVERSARY OF 30-0 IN TALLY ALL IN LET'S GO DO IT FOR GHOST ARNOLD PALMER --Jim Harbaugh drinking milk, it's just gross, man Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Week six is done, and so is Rutgers football after losing 78-0 to Michigan. Topics! --The Notre Dame/NC State game, a.k.a. THE BEST 10-3 GAME EVER and MORE PROOF YOU SHOULD JUST PUNT AND HOPE YOUR OPPONENT DOES SOMETHING STUPID --"Will Notre Dame make a bowl game?", a question we actually have to ask at this point --Notre Dame could miss a bowl game this year --How many points can we make about Notre Dame being horrible and Brian Kelly being a wretched man, well, how many points ya got --A SALUTE TO RUTGERS SURVIVING AN EPIC DEFEAT SO BAD IT BECAME NEAR-NOBLE --A discussion of what did and didn't make sense in Tennessee/Texas A&M. Tennessee had seven turnovers and almost won! Guess which category this falls into here! --A deep analysis of how the LSU/Florida game played out --The Count of Monte Cristo Game, which you may also call the Washington/Oregon game, or also call the most thorough debacling of a rival this year (unless you call Rutgers/Michigan a rivalry) ( Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

THE FULLCAST RIDES FOR WEEK FIVE, which hits status as “a pretty good week” because it contains both “college football” and “passably good college football.” We tried to be quick about it, which went about as well as that usually does. TOPICS: --Spencer gets very excited about the best noon slate of the year, while Ryan and Jason remind him that it is still a noon slate --Why Tennessee suddenly can’t lose football games, aka “the Butch Jones cashes in a decade of collected football karma skymiles all at once” stratagem --Ryan finds a matchup so repellent even he cannot hate-watch it (good god, y’all) --Did you know Maryland is undefeated, and could very realistically beat Penn State this weekend? That won’t be awkward at all for anyone, especially you, person who just realized Maryland is undefeated. --Miami and FSU might be playing in a hurricane, which would be cool --Georgia and South Carolina might be playing in a hurricane, which really wouldn’t be any different since South Carolina always looks like they’re playing in a stiff wind and driving rain even in clear skies and bright sunshine --The Red River Rivalry is happening this weekend! Abandon hope, wake up early, and just see how nothing you anticipated happening happens again for the 111th time in a row --Ryan leaves the podcast early, a la Mack Brown in the middle of the Toledo/BYU game --Jason and Spencer answer reader questions as fast as they can, including the all-important question of what game is better for freakish weather than the 2000 Independence Bowl where it snowed in Shreveport? (A: nothing, ever) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Florida State now has the same conference record as Boston College. This is just a fact we're offering you, and not in any way a commentary on the quality of the 2016 Seminoles. Other facts we discuss this week include: - Tennessee's smart decision to spend all its bad luck in 2015 so this year can be nothing but amazing comebacks - Washington making Stanford look Walt Harrisian - Identifying the secret, true El Assico - We're seriously asking if Oregon is going to make a bowl game, what the hell has happened to you Oregon - Mike Gundy's not going to T. Boone's graduation party and we heard they're not even friends on Facebook anymore - Spencer kind of sort of propositions Mack Brown for group sex - I know, again - Cal's defense won a game, Colorado is ranked, USC embarrassed someone else, and none of us know a single thing about UCLA-Arizona Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Okay, so we recorded the preview episode for week five during a thunderstorm and that went about as well as it could during a thunderstorm. That is, it went badly, even by the already low audio standards of the Fullcast. The topics. covered through difficult conditions because we are GRITTY: --Tennessee/Georgia playing a game that if the SEC East made sense would end with a decisive Tennessee victory, meaning it probably won't --How you kind of have to watch every game Houston plays even though they're playing overmatched teams like UConn, because they somehow managed to lose to UConn last year, and you wouldn't want to miss that even though they're probably still going to pummel them in revenge for that? Because they're a national power with an iffy schedule? --A lengthy discussion of offensive lines, including the absurd lengths the Stanford offensive lines will go to make you dig a hole to get lower then they are --We discuss how far Wake Forest has to go into an undefeated season before we start to realize this as a real thing and not some error of math and fate --Memphis/Ole Miss! A.k.a. THERE'S GONE BE A FIIIIIIIGHT --A reflection on the raw thrill of seeing Lamar Jackson playing real football again, and how Dabo will put 50 points on Louisville if he can to redeem Bobby Petrino's soul --Huh, what game was USC playing when they fired Lane Kiffin, hey look, that was Arizona State, who's USC playing with a 1-3 record this week, oh hey that's undefeated Arizona State, that's weird and not at all ironic-- --A plea for someone to Periscope the Hawaii game for us, and the world at large Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week Jason and I are joined by new SB Nation recruit Richard Johnson for what is mostly an hour plus of commiseration over the following: --The immense hole in our hearts the departure of Les Miles has left, and who can attempt to fill it but fail --Who will end up taking the LSU job, and why they won't be as cool as Les Miles, even though they might be a better coach and win more games and stuff, but won't have interesting press conferences or make GIFs of himself Dikembe-blocking his daughter's jump-shot --WHY DID YOU FIRE LES MILES okay we know, we know, but we're still going to yell about it because our hearts hurt --Richard and I mumble about Florida being trash for a minute --Wisconsin seems mean, that's something we talk about for a second or two --The only really joyous discussion in this whole podcast comes around the 52 minute mark when we discuss Chad Kelly's bliss at getting the opportunity to throw the ball downfield with zero regard for what's waiting for it when it lands. --Oh look, Mark Richt's ranked ahead of Georgia --Look, we're just going to admit that we've all watched Washington at least twice now and can't figure out why people keep ranking them --WAIT IS ARIZONA STATE GOOD, THIS IS NOW A SITUATION AND WE HAVE TO START TALKING ABOUT IT --A salute to Jabrill Peppers of Michigan to make a business decision and not get trucked by Penn State's giant kicker Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Did we need to drop a 15 minute express SPITECAST for Florida/Tennessee? No, but if we told you we got Holly Anderson for it? THEN IT BECAME ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Holly and Spencer talk about the essentials of the rivalry, which is now basically about fear and a mutual hatred of what this has turned us into after 15 years of enforced mutual hatred. WE ARE MONSTERS. BORED, HATEFUL MONSTERS. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The theme for week four -- which we decided after an arduous twenty seconds of thought --- is that there is nothing but pain in every direction, and that every team playing this weekend can only lose. There are no victories to be had, and only losses of varying degree. Topics explaining this bold thesis! --Oregon playing Colorado, a team they can't beat by enough point to feel good about after a shaky loss to Nebraska --The entire SEC West playing games where someone will lose badly and edge closer to total disaster, and another team will kick the aforementioned team into a canyon --Amazing Gus Malzahn facts that should horrify even a non-Auburn fan! --A vicious hypothetical spin around the SEC coaching carousel that ends with Hugh Freeze at Auburn! We did it, and it didn't even take the introduction of natural disasters or anything like that into the storyline --BYU and West Virginia are playing a football game at FedEx Field. Why? Whyyyyyyy? --A real inquiry into whether Vanderbilt needs to have a football coach or not --USC has already replaced its quarterback, which is a great thing going into a game against Utah on the road. We hope Max Browne transfers, and in the meantime enjoys his stay at USC as irresponsibly as possible. --Why Florida is the Atlanta airport of college quarterbacks --A despondent preview of the Florida/Tennessee game, so: the usual Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Week three is full of extremely random but extremely good games, so most of this podcast is actually taken up by football talk. Like, at least 51% of the podcast, a new record for the Shutdown Fullcast. TOPICS: --A warm-up on light regional accents, including the unbelievable Pittsburgh accent and a quick review of how delightfully ironic it is when people from Wisconsin call you a hick --We swear we'll tell you the one thing Bama needs to do to beat Ole Miss, but first we talk about Houston going on the road to play Cincy. Delicious platelet-rich plasma shots for everyone. --Miami/App State, per ESPN's ticket index, is the second most expensive ticket in the nation right now. KIDD BREWER STADIUM, HOME OF ARISTOCRATS AND TYCOONS. --All three of us foolishly talking ourselves into Louisville beating Florida State --At least ten minutes of conversation about Papa John, aka John Schnatter, aka Big Daddy Garlic Bowls, aka The Worst Commercial Actor and Brand Presence Ever --Oklahoma hosting Ohio State, or how that really shouldn't be a close game if we're all being honest about Oklahoma at this point versus the monster Ohio State should, in theory, have. (In theory.) --Anxiety Week in the SEC West! Someone's getting fired and everything is bad. Ooh, and Georgia plays Mizzou, a game no one should watch, at all. --Pitt plays at Okie State, for some reason? --Finally, we reveal the secret to Alabama beating Ole Miss Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Week Two's review is, like the week itself, far more interesting than advertised, even if it did drive Verne Lundquist to openly ask for distraction during the death throes of the Kentucky/Florida game. (Death throes = anything past the first quarter.) TOPICS: --How Jason just skipped this whole weekend and almost cried when Andre 3000 came out for "Black Ice" at the Dungeon Family reunion show --Maybe we discuss Kentucky football too long, but also come up with a fascinating solution to Kentucky's problems with an impending showdown with Alabama? (Don't go, and pass the savings on to your fans!) --The thousand ways Louisville quarterback Lamar Jackson is not real right now --Ryan finds the saddest scene from Illinois State/Northwestern, which is quite an accomplishment --A suggestion for new rivals for Penn State since Pitt is unfit to be their rival despite losing to the Panthers 42-39 this weekend --A review of the hilarity of Arkansas football and the brutal and irritating ways they found to antagonize TCU --OH WE GET TO TALK ABOUT GEORGIA ALMOST LOSING TO NICHOLLS AND HOW NICK CHUBB DIDN'T HAVE 100 YARDS AGAINST NICHOLLS --A detour into the disastrous ending of Washington State/Boise State where no one wanted to win the game --A review of the Navy/UConn game, where UConn definitely did not want to win the game, and threw 15 seconds into the trash because time is free, and points are something you can pull out of your pocket after the game and apply retroactively --How Tennessee scored 45 points and still looked worrisomely bad on offense against Virginia Tech, aka how we really don't want to see Josh Dobbs get hurt this season --Central Michigan shouldn't have won, and did, and if it's Monday we just kicked you in the balls again, Oklahoma State fan --Nick Saban, furious after a 38-10 win where Western Kentucky's QB politely decided to "leave the game" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

--Week two is so bad Spencer stumbles over the intro before the show even starts --Oh, we get to discuss Texas/ND and Ole Miss/FSU! Which were both pleasing to the hater in different and yet still equally satisfying parts --A review of Iowa v. Iowa State, aka ¡El Assico!, the game some Iowa fans get mad at us for even noticing. "It's like you're pooping in the woods and someone looks." ---Jason Kirk, football genius, giving us the perfect analogy for this. --A discussion of relevant airplane drinking --Okay we're done discussing Iowa --NOPE. Ryan goes off on Iowa extending Kirk Ferentz to a contract that none of us understand, but that Ryan REALLY doesn't understand. --Okay Ryan goes on for a while longer about this, and we point out other coaches who did what Ferentz did and got fired. Hi, Mark Richt! --A lengthy discussion of how having a child will not make Ryan a better, more mature person, and also that one time Spencer yelled at a pair of FSU fans in front of his children. Also calling Florida State fans "headcrab-ass people", which is to be expected here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Remember that thing where SEC teams were going to start playing real teams to start the season, and not cupcake games against the overmatched dregs of FCS? THAT MAY HAVE BEEN A MISTAKE. Ryan, Jason, and Spencer review the first weekend of the season up until Sunday, which we do not cover because we recorded this early on Sunday, when Notre Dame lost to Texas. It would have been fun to talk about Notre Dame losing painfully in OT to a Texas team it beat by thirty points and more last year, but we did not have time to discuss how Notre Dame could not stop the offense of a team that last year lost a howler to Iowa State. Again, we did not discuss this hilarious failure by Notre Dame, a team whose disappearance into a crater or timefold or other deep hole opening into another dimension would diminish the overall value of college football and society at large by zero percent. We also did not discuss how ugly-ass the ugly-ass Under Armour shirts Notre Dame's staff had to wear on the sidelines. Static-ass ugly-ass 1992-lookin-ass shirts. So since we did not discuss that, we talk about the following instead: --How the SEC faceplanted so very badly on opening weekend --Why the team with the kicker with the longer hair will always win a game, i.e. why Mississippi State lost at home to South Alabama --A special breakout on whatever Kentucky did, which was bad even by the deplorable and intense standards of Kentucky-level failure --We don't even discuss Alabama because this is a football podcast not an avalanche report --How FCS teams beating FBS teams is a bad thing for your FBS team as long as your team isn't Washington State, which now will reel off nine straight wins and go to the Rose Bowl because this is a new tradition they have and you can't mess with tradition Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

WEEK ONE IS HERE. The internet's only college football podcast starts off the 2016 college football season with: --a super important conversation about people Spencer does not look like, because...football? --how we love Cal for not mattering, ever --why we decide to begin the greatest sport's season every year with South Carolina football, a brand sure to drive horrified new viewers away in droves --how Jason once pulled a D in a British Lit class despite going to the wrong classroom and class the entire semester, go Kennesaw State Owls --which ranked teams face upsets in week one, even though we don't actually know who's good or not, and thus don't really have too many upsets? (SEE: OLE MISS VS. FLORIDA STATE, or any other ranked v. ranked matchup) --Ryan singing "NORTH CAROLINA, BEATING GEORGIA" jauntily --Who's going to lose to an FCS team in their opening week besides Iowa State, who's totally losing to UNI because UNI specializes in this thing --More excited discussion about Auburn QB "White, Sean" and how sneaky fast he is --The introduction of 2016's hottest college football scoreboard cam gimmick: FIGHT CAM. We just send six cartoonishly costumed prospectors into a sparsely populated part of the stadium to stage-fight one lucky fan selected at random. The whole stadium gets to watch! It'll be delightful. --Texas plays Notre Dame, who they should want to beat very badly after last year's 35 point loss to the Irish. It's good to want things, even if they probably won't happen. --A final conversation about Ole Miss vs. FSU, the game where we see if Chad Kelly can outdo his predecessor Bo Wallace in throwing perfectly matching sets of TDs and INTs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Two former SEC linemen join Jason and Ryan while Spencer is lost in the mountains. They talk about: - fried chicken chains and the unspeakable world of on-campus food delivery - the merits of blocking vs. muting on Twitter - whether college offensive linemen are really as unprepared as NFL scouts complain they are - strength coaches - the merits of scheduling FCS opponents - the very small difference between Heaven and Hell Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The fire code gets tossed out the window on this episode, with special guests Bill Connelly (Podcast Ain't Played Nobody), Dan Rubenstein (The Solid Verbal), Bud Elliott (Tomahawk Nation), and Brian Floyd (Lost in the Upside Down). This ragtag crew is faced with the task of: - Figuring out what the hell we did with those season predictions, and why - Selecting the most generic FBS school - Threatening to murder turn of the century German teens - Identifying the worst conference game of 2016 - Picking the teams that will go from great to trash and vice versa this season - Failing to know the best Van Morrison song It's...surprisingly coherent? Sure, let's go with that. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The final preview episode! We're there, at last, but not before an intro where we talk about how playing in Detroit in the NFL is like the Dark Souls of football career challenges, and maybe a quick diversion into Botched, the best worst show on television. These two concepts are definitely related. The final teams: --BAMA. Mostly just us making things up about how they're not going to drag everyone on this schedule except for Ole Miss --OLE MISS. A fond discussion about a team that will probably beat Alabama, and then somehow lose four games along the way. The Rebels remain the team that wins the lottery on Monday, and is out of money by Tuesday; the Rebels remain "As I Lay Dying: The Football Team." --TEXAS A&M. That thing where you look at the schedule and make some very charitable advances in the Aggies' direction and still come up with a 7-5 record at best. Good luck, Kevin Sumlin! --UCLA. Josh Rosen could be really good, and it still might not matter if UCLA manages to get half its roster injured like they did last year. We also examine the philosophies of Jim Mora, Profane Zen Master. --West Virginia. Dana Holgorsen has been in Morgantown six years! He's almost an institution, which is probably just about when he up and leaves before creditors find him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know, just because we say you're getting two podcasts in a week doesn't mean you're getting a good pair of podcasts. This isn't entirely our fault: the random assortment of teams came up with not one, but TWO teams in the state of Illinois. This was doomed from the start. Topics include: --A quick discussion of the hierarchy of cheap-ass grocery store chains, and a reminder that HEB hands out beers to drink while you're shopping --A review of all the bad things that have happened to every single one of these teams --A discussion of South Carolina football that devolves into "Will Muschamp, hostage negotiator" --How Northwestern is exactly the team to start 4-0 and end up 6-6 --A thing that will get us at least two angry emails about how Chicago is a college football town --Oregon State gets fast-forwarded to next year, let's just come back and see how they're doing next year, y'all, look away, this is definitely something for 2017 and eyes away, please --Ryan talks very seriously about Baylor, and not about football alone Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh it's DOUBLE FULLCAST WEEK. This one might as well be the Brunch episode, because it involves a few prime ingredients (look, we're talking about Florida State, an excellent football team) mixed in with the lesser leftovers from the week you might not want to serve by themselves. (Hello, Indiana and Vanderbilt.) Topics include: --More yelling about FSU's Dalvin Cook, who should have been the Heisman winner last year, and how his football team might be real, real good around him already before you add in his unearthly talents. --Vanderbilt discussion centers mostly around a.) Vandy improving to a lofty five win standard again, and b.) a lot of reminders about how dismal Vandy has been historically, like that's something that will make Vandy feel better about getting their teeth kicked in by Tennessee consistently again. --Indiana! AMERICA'S MOST ZANDER DIAMONT TEAM. --Texas Tech! They're just Indiana football, but dustier and blessed with Pat Mahomes at quarterback. --Finally, Kansas State, which just gets kind of sad because it really, really feels like Bill Snyder's last season. (Even though it turns out that Bill Snyder is younger than man/chicken hybrid Kenny Rogers.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

WE BACK. The summer preview quite literally rolls on, at least in Jason's case, since he recorded his portion in the car this week in transit to SEC Media Days. Does Jason, recording in his car on a phone over the ineptly paved and uneven highways of Alabama, still sound better than recording over Indiana internet? Yes, yes it does. You're better than Indiana at something, Alabama! STICK THAT CHEST OUT AND ROLL TIDE. This one is...actually good? Actually GREAT. The teams this week are: --MICHIGAN STATE. A team that somehow feels like they'll be fine by scoring fewer points, playing uglier football, and losing a quarterback whose personality was considered cancerous even by NFL quarterback standards. Then again: when has an experienced backup upperclassman being considered a given at QB ever gone wrong, we ask, when, when in the entire history of say, Florida football has that ever gone wro-- --NC State! They're definitely a football team? They have a pretty good defense? They'll play sort of ineffective offense, but do it quickly? They're in the ACC, and not named Florida State or Clemson, so [bucket of shrug emojis]? --GEORGIA. A preview where we definitely do not say that Kirby Smart is Will Muschamp part 2, and where Jason yells out "ALL DAWGS MATTER" after suggesting you can get an undergraduate degree in conservative talk radio at the University of Georgia. Remember when Grayson Lambert went 24 for 25 against South Carolina, and was going to win the Heisman, and then five months later Mark Richt was coaching Miami? We do. --Louisville! Summary: Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson Lamar Jackson --TCU. Where when you play Pokemon Go, you find Gary Patterson and you find a Squirtle. We all agree that they're going to go 11-1, which is nothing but doom for TCU. SQUIRTLE WINS. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Jason joined us from Indiana to record this one from inside what sounds like a steamer trunk filled with spiders. We will never, ever let Jason do this again, or we will put him back inside a very real steamer trunk filled with spiders. The teams previewed this week are: --Mississippi State! Goddammit, Dan Mullen, you gigantic idiot. That and "Dak Prescott is gone" are your whole preview. --LSU! Where Jason, from inside that spider-filled steamer trunk in Buttsville, Indiana, tries to sell us all on Brandon Harris being more than the typical LSU Quarterback Of The Moderately Damnable Quality. --Arkansas! We mostly debate the various calendar-themed types of Arkansas teams Bret Bielema has created over the years: the SeptemBERT variety, the OctoBERT one, or the rarest and most potent of them all, the NovemBERT strain that still goes like 2-2, but does so with a powerful, entertaining vigor. Please don't firebomb our houses for discussing your football team, Arkansas fans. --Penn State! Now with 100% less Christian Hackenberg, which might be a good thing? Oh, and they turned over their whole coaching staff, basically, so...JAMES FRANKLIN RECRUITING SOMETHING SOMETHING --Duke, which we don't really preview because honestly we know nothing about them, will do no research, and are very glad David Cutcliffe will probably get them somewhere between 5-7 and 7-5 and better than Duke football should by any rights be. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Why did we discuss USC? Mostly to remind you no one knows who their coach is, and so we could play out the gag of not saying his name to make you look up who it is. Oh, and to make Ryan go back when Spencer forgot the gag, said his name, and then forced Ryan to edit in some extremely dope music over the guy's name at the 9:30 mark. Topics! (THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN.) --What USC will look like in 2016, which will probably be "a lot like other USC teams in recent history, but with an absolutely brutal schedule including Alabama in week one." You'd want a few warmups if you were a new coach. UNNAMED COACH does not get one, and that should be extremely entertaining for everyone but USC fans. They get to break in a new QB, too, and most of a new front seven! Just lean on the phrase "IMMENSELY TALENTED AND GROWING EVERY DAY," Trojan fans. It's a rhetorical rock that won't budge for at least a year of steady support. --Missouri! Don't listen to this part, it's just depressing to talk about, we shouldn't have talked about Missouri at all. --Kentucky! Man, just don't listen to this either. You chose poorly, listeners. You chose so poorly when you picked this selection. --Cal! When you look at a team and they could conceivably go 3-9, that's...seriously, why did you give us these teams to talk about. --A quick look at Oklahoma State, the school where Mike Gundy is still coach. We checked and called and everything, he's actually still there despite feuding with the school's biggest booster every three years or so when his contract comes up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FARMERS ONLY THIS WEEK. The Shutdown Fullcast this week covers the agriculturingest slate of teams we've covered yet, including: --Nebraska, a team that on further examination reveals itself to have absolutely no predictability whatsoever for 2016. None. Look at that schedule and find more than two sure wins or two sure losses in either direction. Do it and die. --Virginia, an outlier here because a.) Virginia has not farmed since the 1800s and b.) all three of us admit that we will not watch more than three combined quarters of UVA football this year even with a new coach, because we never watch more than three combined quarters of Virginia football in any calendar year --Clemson! The thinkin' farmer's school, which happens to be good enough at scoring points to realistically outpace anyone trying to keep up with them this year. Deshaun Watson ran for a thousand yards and threw for over 4,000 last year and gets his best receiver back. Do not stare directly at the Clemson offense; do not handle it without protective goggles and lead aprons. --Oklahoma! Watch how much we don't talk about Bob Stoops having Joe Mixon as someone who somehow gets to play football this year. --It would be a shame to demean the sucecss of Iowa football in 2015 and their promise for 2016 by just talking about ¡EL ASSICO! and how badly Iowa got trashed in the Rose Bowl by Stanford. This, however, is a podcast built on shame. This is pretty much what we do. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Shutdown Fullcast Random Previews continue with four very interesting, important, and/or intriguing teams. There is also Maryland. We're sorry, but there is also some Maryland in there. Topics include: --Maryland! We talk about the Terps first, largely to get them out of the way because it's gonna be a rebuilding year even if it will be an interesting one. Spencer thinks they'll lose to FIU! Take it to the bank, if your bank also takes bets on obscure Friday night out-of-conference games. --We all agree that Auburn is an extremely dangerous team in 2016. (Mostly for Auburn, but dangerous is dangerous is dangerous.) --Did we all just somehow agree that Texas is a nine-win team? Did this just happen? THIS JUST HAPPENED, GO CRAZY AND HOOK 'EM, DEFINITELY RUN WITH THIS ABSURD OPTIMISM AND DO NOT QUESTION IT, LONGHORN FANS. --All three of us come to the realization that Washington State has become something reliable in the Pac-12. The definition of reliable, it turns out, is flexible beyond all utility. --We finish with Ohio State, the team that somehow still has a J.T. Barrett on the schedule and pulls next to nothing out of the Big Ten's other division in lining up what looks like a ten-win rebuilding season that will leave very few people happy. Don't ever let your football team become good enough that ten wins satisfies no one. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

SO after last week's debacle where our readers accidentally selected the worst slate of teams possible to preview for 2016, we took matters into our own hands. This week we preview five teams that could not only be very good this year, but who could also theoretically win things and be fun to watch and stuff. Also, Jason is not broadcasting from the middle of a driving rainstorm this week. He's in a car, which sounds way better than you expect it to, really. Topics: -- How Spencer got a forty dollar go-cup, and why it's effectively worthless -- Speaking of things staying cold for extended periods of time: TENNESSEE FOOTBALL, PREVIEWED. Did you know the only interesting game the play after mid-October is against Will Muschamp, the ultimate obstruction? Isn't that potentially hilarious, especially now that he doesn't coach Florida? That's potentially hilarious. -- Ryan calls for Michigan to go 12-0 and it seems fairly reasonable? Particularly with their schedule, a spread so luxurious that it features a bye week before playing Illinois. -- Virginia Tech will have offense and defense at the same time, allegedly, per reports, hypothetically, maybe. It's different now, and we'll all have to watch Bud Foster look real confused as his team scores unheard of "points" without intercepting the ball or forcing fumbles. -- Arizona! They're definitely a team that will play this year? (We did very little research on Arizona before working with them, much like Rich Rodriguez did.) -- Washington could be very good this year if they do not do the thing a lot of Pac-12 teams do in dropping the weirdest conference games imaginable. Washington is a Pac-12 team. They will probably drop a weird conference game. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

SO that whole thing where Ryan assigned random numbers to teams and had readers select our previewed squads by those numbers? It flopped a handful of unsuited garbage this week, as the randomness called forth pure Lovecraftian horror. (Spoiler: Lovecraftian horror in football terms equals not one, but TWO BOTTOM-DWELLING ACC TEAMS IN ONE PREVIEW.) We'd apologize, but y'all opened this hellmouth, not us. Topics covered and cringed through include: --Syracuse, you did something good! It feels just as weird for us as it does for you. Listen as we somehow talk our way into thinking this might be a bowl team. --A devil's bargain engineered by Ryan where both Jason and ourselves choose to go on a roadtrip around America's least glamorous corridor rather than go to West Lafayette, Indiana, ever. --We could talk about Wake Forest or we could talk about how Jason is literally walking back and forth between the inside of his house and a roaring late spring thunderstorm like THAT'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ON A PODCAST Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The non-preview preview editions of the Shutdown Fullcast continue into...well, into some dark territory. Let's be honest and just say that we talk about Pitt and Rutgers NO WAIT WE COME BACK WE TALK ABOUT OTHER SHIT WE PROMISE--- Things like: --Hey did you remember that Mark Richt is the head coach at Miami, and he gets to work with Brad Kaaya, and that could be really cool since they're both pretty good at their complimentary jobs? And that Miami plays Appalachian State this year? In Boone, North Carolina? --More talk about Pitt football than anyone's had since 2007 when the greatest thing ever happened to Pitt which was just ruining a rival's best shot at a national title which is a negative positive but we are talking about Pitt so they'll take it --Two minutes of Rutgers talk that no one wants to hear so just skip it --We realize that Wisconsin, after years of missing the swinging hammer of a rotating schedule, takes a full-force shot to the face this year by basically playing every real good team in the Big Ten in one season --Stanford! The team with the best and coldest player in the nation, even if you don't know who is handing the ball off to him this year. (Probably someone named Keller Chryst, but you could have guessed that or some other name like that.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

SHUTDOWN FULLCAST BACK. This time we continue our preview series with a random selection of schools best described as...well, very, very random indeed. Topics and teams covered: --Charlie Weis STILL GETS PAID DOLLAZ BY NOTRE DAME. He last coached for them in 2009. You can laugh about this, because the goal is to pull off a Charlie Weis as hard as you can in life and get paid too much money to do things you demonstrably cannot do. --How Oregon football 2016 is still best described as "waiting to see if Mark Helfrich can really do his job, because the Ducks are so talented it's hard to tell whether they're about to implode or not". Also remember how they lost to Utah by 42 at home this year? And hired Brady Hoke to fix their defensive problems? --A leisurely stroll through Utah football's prospects, including an appreciation of how damn long Kyle Whittingham has been in Salt Lake City, and how often he's worked out there. (Every day, and never, ever skipping bicep day.) --Kansas is still playing football! And will probably lose eleven straight games this year. :( --Minnesota is also still playing football! Big, ponderous, ice-cream fat football we think will win like, five games or so. --The internet's most extensive and thorough Notre Dame preview! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Shutdown Fullcast this week boldly attempts to go where Shutdown Fullcasts so rarely go: INTO ACTUAL FOOTBALL. Ryan assigned random numbers to every college football team, and then asked readers to send him numbers. The five teams selected were Arizona State, Georgia Tech, North Carolina, and Colorado. We did no research, and attempted to discuss them! Topics of actual football content covered include: --Why Georgia Tech is the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" of college football teams (the points don't matter!) --a lawnmower goes off in the background while we're discussing Georgia Tech, which is the most DGAF Paul Johnson country shit ever besides finding the upside to missing a bowl game in 2015 --Why Arizona State will bounce back form a 6-7 season to have a spellbinding 7-6 season. (Also: yet another explanation of the important concept of boat muscles.) --We spend most of the time on our UNC preview talking about how gutted their defense was by Baylor in the Russell Athletic Bowl, when Baylor ran EIGHTY-FOUR TIMES FOR 645 YARDS IN A SINGLE GAME. They passed 18 times, too, which is real funny. You know what UNC loses from that defense? Linebackers! THE POINTS DON'T MATTER. --How Colorado will have the most brutal 5-7 season of 2016! You have no luck in anything, Colorado. --A mean turn through the Florida Gators football schedule, which is the standard Jeremy Foley-endorsed trash. It is trash, Jeremy Foley. Straight fuckin' trash. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Shutdown Fullcast this week features all three cast members reunited at last. This is good because it requires the full powers of Ryan, Spencer, and Jason combined to admit the painful but obvious truth: that Ole Miss delivered for once, and saved everyone from the tedium of an event-free offseason. Topics covered include: -- "New York is the Reebok Pump of cities" -- The debut of "Neil deGrasse Tyson, Football Analyst", and the debut of the gritties noble gas -- How Laremy Tunsil had the absolute worst possible night on draft night, and how nothing should change at Ole Miss whatsoever, and how the SEC is the laziest conference imaginable in every lazy way possible because they are lazy. LAZY. -- nope nope nothing happened at Alabama nope don't look no biggie nope -- "Stand Up! With George Wallace", aka the most popular podcast in Birmingham -- Reader questions, including a discussion of what the worst possible expanded universe would be, aka WHY THE GILMORE GIRLS IS THE MOST TEDIOUS SHOW EVER MADE Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Andy Staples of Sports Illustrated joins us at the last minute to take Jason's spot. Where is Jason? Jason was at Disney World, and needs several weeks to recover from the experience. This seems like a paltry amount of time for this, but he's a soldier and we can't keep him away from the front lines for long. Topics covered include: --The time Andy yelled "IRON" in Italian at terrified Florentines until someone finally sold him one for 19 euros --How to care about anything in what might be the driest, most boring offseason college football has ever known (A: you can't, really) --Why the Department of Justice has solved every major issue facing this country --A brief discussion of how USC might be one of the most incompetent athletic departments in the country and yet still get bailed out by resources, beautiful surroundings, and UCLA never caring enough to be good --Which conference will be the first to construct a giant monster truck made entirely of Mini Coopers? (Texas, it's gonna be Texas.) --Yet more epic tales of poor and stupid living from Alachua County --The unveiling of the Andy Staples Perpetual Motion BBQ machine --The first and only edition of "Joel Osteen or Mack Brown?" Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Fullcast grabbed Holly Anderson to fill in for Ryan who is SOMEHOW STILL ON VACATION WHAT ARE YOU EUROPEAN OR SOMETHING. Anyway, she's the captain now, and Ryan's gone and can keep mooning about the continent and eating street waffles for all we care. HOPE STREET WAFFLES WERE WORTH OUR LOVE, FAITHLESS MAN-SCAMP. Topics covered include --Why there's a traffic reporter in ATL who is called "Cracker", aka "there's a different racial dynamic when you're in a helicopter." --How Holly forgot the name of USC's coach, again, and how USC really did hire three USC offensive coordinators in a row like that's a thing that isn't hilarious and absurd --A brief discussion of South Carolina's Boom Bus, and how no one ever leaves Will Muschamp with enough floss --Bud Elliott's hot prom fashion tips for 2016 --An analysis of Ludacris' tour rider, including a positive review of his taste in candles and deodorant (SECRET GANG) --Holly explaining why "Your dad" jokes are so, so much worse than "Your mom" jokes, and then proceeding to making Spencer very, very uncomfortable --An appreciation of various outdoorsy drunk-states, including a solid plea for the superiority of "lake drunk" --Was there more to this podcast that we didn't record due to technical incompetence? YOU BETCHA, TAKE IT FOR THE LOW PRICE OF FREE ANYWAY. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The Shutdown Fullcast for this week subs out one Ryan for another because SOMEONE decided he needed a "vacation in Italy." In Nanni's place we substitute Ryan Van Bibber, SB Nation NFL editor, who despite his chosen subject matter has very little respect for the Cult of the NFL Draft. Topics covered include: --the splendors of Branson, MO --which Florida Gator will be the steal of the draft, and what school he ended up playing football at after being kicked out of the University of Florida (because that happens to every football player at the University of Florida) --a community agreement that all quarterbacks are busts coming out of college, and will be called this just to make life easier on them until success is attained --an analysis of the least literate fans in college football re: the draft, and yes, it's Tebow loyalists --the sandwich analogy for amateurism and theft --a review of the 2000 draft, where Sebastian Janikowski might really be the best pick overall --why you should draft anyone on a mid-major team where the mere mention of their name makes you go OH THAT GUY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week's Fullcast features nothing but reader questions thanks to a bumper crop of quality inquiries. This happens whenever you start asking people about bad financial decisions, because if there is one clarion theme in life, it's making terrible financial decisions all the time. Topics covered include: -- A full disclosure of tattoos, including a terrible anchor Jason couldn't be bothered to finish --Should Mississippi State have paid the alleged $180K for Cam Newton YES YES YES THE ANSWER IS YES AND THERE IS NO OTHER ANSWER OTHER THAN "YES AND MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE PAID HIM MORE" --Why Randy "Macho Man" Savage would have been a fine suicide hotline operator --A deeply personal discussion of personal dance moves --"You know what'll never hurt you? A calliope." --A definition of realistic prices for the service of being stunned by Stone Cold Steve Austin --The invention of a wrestler named "CPAP", and the assignment of a Face role for Ryan where he wears briefs (or he's Paul Bearer, Jr.) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices