Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

Andrew recalls a horrific dream he had recently. ~What does it mean??~ We share our thoughts on Trump's SOTU.. the parts we watched, anyway. Oprah has announced she's not running for President. That's a big win for the Dems. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of this Damn Series. What the hell is going on with David Yates' latest comments? Mark Salling is dead of an apparent suicide, and some people seem happy about it. Sorrynotsorry that some of us feel sympathy for his family and tragic life. GET. VACCINATED. Flu season is really bad this year. Surprise, Hosts! Our latest Surprise, Bitch victim is a Republican. We talk about what it's like to be a conservative and listener to a liberal podcast. The Number: Sleep and Facebook Editions. Our first sponsor of the year has done wonders for Andrew's and Laura's faces: Visit BioClarity.com and use code 'MIL' to get their 30-day skincare regime for $9.95, including free shipping! This week in After Dark: Bad Neighbors, Part 2. Matt and Andrew tell Laura how to deal with her shitty upstairs neighbor. We read horror stories from listeners. They involve cannons, nudity, and brooms. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-The government shitdown unfolds as we speak, and we all pray that pinky promises are legally binding. -An Irish woman finds love in the arms of her new husband: the 300 year old ghost of a Haitian pirate. WTF News is back! -#FakeNews NASA says our solar system contains a mysterious 9th planet... that we just haven't found yet. In related news, science determines all reality is a sham. -Pennsylvania's Supreme Court made big waves when it struck down gerrymandering this week, prompting many in the Republican Party to comment, "Fuck." -Women descend on the nation in droves demanding crazy feminazi shit like "equal pay" and "reproductive freedom." -Trump assumes his final form as a Reddit comment troll. -China's new, freakishly efficient air purifier might be the answer to our ailing air quality. Also, trees. -USE A PHONE. -The Confessional pedals conspiracy theories, and Surprise, Bitch! surprises absolutely no one. In this week's After Dark: -Bad neighbors. We've all had them, and right now, Andrew is seething over his. He shares his latest horror stories and we empathize. -"Hi, can I show you how best to close a door?" Fuck off you lying shitburger. -We plot revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and we are it. Let's act like it. -MOUNTAINS, GANDALF!!! takes on a decidedly different meaning. -President Trump refers to particular, mostly people of color-populated countries as "shitholes," and the veneer of "this isn't about race" washes straight off. -YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. HUG YOUR CAT. HIDE YOUR KIDS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. -Apple users have something useful to celebrate for the first time since that Coldplay ad stopped airing. -New Years resolution: getting Facebook to give a fuck about propaganda. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Germany and the Midwest. We ask how they like their dirty talk. And in today's After Dark: -Andrew gets gross on us. Again. #RegularDick -The Tide Pod challenge has us reliving our dumbest moments and revealing our worst life choices in a game of 2 Truths 1 Lie. -BREAKING NEWS FOR THE HP FANDOM. We learn who was behind the infamous Acid Quill, and who was responsible for outing Andrew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back! It's officially season 4. Time to jump the shark and disintegrate into a heap of failure. Highlights from our break include a Rated R coffee mug, a tropical trip from hell, and an acute injury to one of our boyfriends. Merry Christmas. New Year, New Laws: we take a look at some of this weird, but mostly pretty cool, state laws taking effect in 2018. (Suck it up, Oregon.) YOU get a Super PAC! YOU get a Super PAC! YOU… can take a seat. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the Oprah for President trend. Fire and Fury makes major waves as the retelling of an age-old story you might better know as, "The Emperor Has No Clothes." Surprise. Why it's important to carefully support real, honest journalism right now, even if it means being critical of reporting you like. And in season 4's first installment of After Dark: Game: Guess what people got stuck up their assholes in 2017! Literally. This isn't metaphor. There is an actual list of items people got caught in their hammies. "You're still fat." New Years Resolutions suck. But we make them anyway. Andrew becomes a motivational speaker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-Happy birthday to the heart and soul of this show, our dear Laura. Champion of the downtrodden. Warrior for the underrepresented. Purveyor of the sex. -We finally unwrap our Secret Santas and find out WTF is in Laura's giant box. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Utah where we creep on a listener who was just creepin' on us. -Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the debate happening now over microtransactions in video games, and whether they constitute gambling. -We look back on 2017 with horror and a little bit of sap. In this year's final installment of After Dark: -SPOILER ALERT (no, seriously): Star Wars, The Last Jedi. -This film did one thing impressively well, then did all other things... not well. -How did we feel about the big reveals? Will they even stick? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-The Force is strong with us as we get hyped THE FUCK UP for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Florida, where grandparents and presidential campaigns go to die. -Transgender military recruits are shown the respect they deserve by our judicial system. -YOU get a cake! YOUUU get a cake! YOU -- maybe don't. -Facebook Messenger for Kidz: For the bad parent in all of us. -WTF News makes a comeback with some unsavory developments out of Canada. -Listener Feedback validates Andrew's nasty side. And on this After Dark: -Fetishes 101, written and directed by Andrew NeedsHelpALot. -How women should embrace whatever sexuality they feel, and how the porn industry should embrace women. -A Confessional asks us to consider what we would do if our significant other wanted to buy a gun. And keep it in our house. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We kick off with a graphic update on our Thanksgiving sex lives. #blessed Surprise again, bitch! welcomes back a sly motherfucker who somehow figured out how to con the system. It's beginning to look a lot like a merry Mueller Christmas. Royal wedding bells are a' ringing, and this time, there's interesting social ramifications. SAT question 2017: Smallville is to ___, what Jonestown was to ____. Rutgers University tells everyone to grow a spine because confronting racist family members actually works to reduce racism. A game of Google that Shit has us wondering: how do you move a family in Skyrim? And in this week's After Dark: - Two titans of delivery meals battle it out in this rendition of Hello Fresh v. Freshly - Tipping your delivery person: a necessity, and an evil. - We get personal about our food delivery habits, how new smartphone apps are helping or hindering those habits, and what services are worth the price tag. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're back from break and recap our -- Thank God -- smooth Thanksgivings with the family. This discussion prompts some memories of our closeted pasts. Dictionary.com reveals their Word of the Year, and it's a word that isn't in Trump's vocabulary. It looks like we're about to lose Net Neutrality, and we can't understate how bad this is for the future of the internet. Here's some sample language that you can use when writing to the FCC via their website: “I support the current Net Neutrality rules under Title II of the Communications Act of 1934. Net Neutrality is a core principal of the internet, which protects all of us by preventing ISPs from throttling service to benefit the highest bidder.” There's been a terrible attack in Egypt. Also terrible: The latest man accused of sexual misconduct towards women. A couple of our top Patrons want help with their careers. Where do they go from here when their jobs suck? In The Confessional, another listener comes out as a conservative! :O This week, in After Dark: Thanksgiving is over, so it's time to celebrate Christmas! Andrew forces Matt and Laura -- two Grinches -- to listen to all types of Christmas music, from new tunes to weird classics. We debate the merits of a few songs and also scoff at a new Frozen single. Merry Christmas! ... From Andrew only. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Australians show us how voting is done. Congrats to the LGBTQ community down under! Literal. Fucking. Nazis. show up to protest in favor of a "white Europe" -- 60,000 of them, to be exact, because fuck this whole year. Want to stop your nudes from being posted online? Send 'em to Facebook, who will only post them to their cork board. "Obesity is about to hit you across the face." Too late. One Show to Rule Them All. One Show to Fuck Us. One Show to Bring Them All, and in Your Roku, Depress Us. And on this week's Thanksgiving Special version of After Dark: How do you handle being horny over the holidays? Is it acceptable to have sex in your parents' house? We discuss and play Devil's Advocate. Holiday Horror: Families. We relive our childhood traumas. What are we LEAST thankful for this year? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We say goodbye to Kevin Spacey as he says goodbye to his career. The stomach-turning shooting in Texas has us grieving yet again. But we have reason to hope. Popular conservative Twitter accounts, like @Jenna_Abrams, have been outed as #FAKE. They were found to be created by the Russian government -- which isn't, by the way, only targeting conservatives. Papa John's goes apeshit and Amazon apparently doesn't consider the fact Americans have dogs??? Submarine-ing is a thing. A brave listener writes in to warn us of Andrew's treachery. And in After Dark: "It was enough to butter a bagel." Andrew regales us with a thoroughly unsavory tale about his genitals. Matt asks us a series of oddball questions that expose us for the idiots we are. Stairs are a challenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Kevin Spacey fucks up bigly. (Since recording, HOC has now halted production) November 1st: be there, or be stuck with whatever health coverage you currently have. New voicemails prove that regret is a universal feeling. News kicks off with #MuellerMonday and we. are. here for it. Twitter and Facebook announce they'll start labeling political advertisements to help users identify propaganda. Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle is IN YA NEIGHBORHOOD ONTARIO. GET 'EM THE FUCK OUT. The Confessional comes back with a bang. Heh heh. Recommendations: Bigelow Apple Cider Tea and Until Dawn And in this week's After Dark: Halloween Special: We share more of the scariest, weirdest shit that's happened to us. One guess who's got the most fucked up story. The Confessional continues with three more crazy ass confessions. Breakups = take your dick with you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew goes full fuckin fanboi, Laura signs up for NaNoWriMo, and we all warn against the dangers of cucumbers. PSA: FOOD DOES NOT BELONG IN YA SNATCH Surprise, bitch! takes us to the scorching hellfire that is SoCal. The Distraction Game: a new and twisted kind of "leadership." A new study out of Yale uncovers at least one reason why socially conservative people are conservative - and how it's possible to change their minds. Hidden from the Headlines gets real on the largely unreported truck bombing in Mogadishu. This song's for you, ladies. And in this week's edition of After Dark: The Confessional opens a discussion on the unique challenges bisexual folks face. What if you're gay, but don't fit in with gay culture? The question hits close to home as we seek advice from Andrew. We all learn a lot about bears. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take a step back into time in lovely Pennsylvania, where sewing machines and malt shakes still = viable business model. Oh and btw 3 million Americans in Puerto Rico still don't have power or water. California goes full Captain Planet on puppy mills. STOP USING ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP YOU'RE LITERALLY DESTROYING MODERN MEDICINE How are JFK and spontaneous human combustion related? Find out live, October 26. "Me too." The merits and the caveats. The Confessional asks us how to deal with racist relatives. Doubly fucked: the family in question has people of color in it. MuggleFuck, A History: available now. In this week's After Dark: Planning for Apocalypse: nuclear war edition 20% joking but 80% DEAD SERIOUS The best countries to run to, the best states to hide out in, and tips for if something goes wrong near you We formulate a plan. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to a special edition of The LANDY Show. Our other two bitches have lives, and we have podcasts, so who’s the real winner? Rape culture is insidious and present at all levels of of culture. WHO KNEW? (Harvey Weinstein sure did.) Every year is en election year and no one wants the hot potato of bump stocks to land in their hands. Nuclear winter is comin’. Ya know nothin’ Don Foe. Since we can’t take care of our own citizens, Elon Musk is coming to the rescue with a proposal to rebuild Puerto Rico’s power grid with solar power. Have we found jobs in our respective fields? Nah fam. Is Jeremy the scientist vaccinated? Stay tuned to find out! And in this week’s edition of After Dark: Friend of the show Sarah shares with us another reason why many Millennials don’t have paying jobs: unpaid internships. Sarah is a baller with a PhD and 5 years experience in the field, and still gets asked to work pro-bono. Young people are expected to live on a shoe string in exchange for experience just to get into college. Was it always like this? What benefits would we require in exchange for working for free? (We’re actually thoughtful and our answers don’t involve “buttsex.”) LANDY have decided a social media break is coming soon. We can’t deal with this shit anymore. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our hearts ache for Las Vegas right now. And we would send them our thoughts and prayers, but thoughts and prayers are worth approximately nothing. We need gun control. Now. Help us, Justice Kennedy-- you're our only hope. The Supreme Court just heard oral arguments in a historic gerrymandering case and there seems to be room for optimism. Is it possible for a show to have too many Trump jokes? The return of Will & Grace answers that question. As well as the hopes of dreams of 90s gay kids everywhere. Not even God is awake at 6 AM, but we expect our kids to be. A new study proves early ass school days are bad for teenagers' health. FUCK OFF, CUPID. The segment makes a harrowing return with the help of several crushed dreams. #ForeverAlone And this week's After Dark is available to ALL Patrons: WTF News edition. Now there's a throwback. "YESSS." German ecstasy pills in the shape of Dear Leader. Semen-laden flutes. Cow farts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew witnesses casual sexism up close and personal in a hotel elevator. Ruh roh. Surprise, bitch! digs into the uncomfortable dynamic between family, politics and Facebook. #triggered America's predominant religion, football, comes under attack by President Fuckwaffle and we are NOT HAVING IT. GANDHI WASN'T PROTESTING THE EFFIN FOOD YA'LL Tax reform, schmax reform Twitter announces it's considering changing the very thing that makes it Twitter. Water is wet, the sky is blue, and PUERTO RICANS ARE AMERICANS WTF Hidden from the Headlines: Gill v. Whitford, the upcoming Supreme Court case about gerrymandering, is set to decide the very nature of our democracy. And in this week's After Dark: A new national poll shows today's teenagers aren't driving, drinking or fucking -- what's going on? What were WE doing at 16? Spoiler alert: exactly this. Exactly... fucking... this. Our kids are gonna be ballerz. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With two more natural disasters this week, Andrew predicts The Big One is finally upon Los Angeles. West Coast Patrons: Please make sure your credit cards are up to date. Surprise, Bitch: Detroit ain’t so bad after all. A Canadian confesses that she’s jealous of America’s student loan systems. ~You can’t always get what you want…~ In the news: A White House lawyer makes a major mistake, and Toys R Us files for bankruptcy. Plus, there’s a tragic story out of Georgia Tech. In AP Choice we debate what CDs we’d take to a remote island, and offer tips on how to save money. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Introducing... the LANDY Show! Happy birthday to our favorite national tragedy. Where were you when Matt turned 16? Surprise, bitch! Can... can you hear us? We lament the end of the summer and all that makes life worth living. u say wot m8? this iphone is a wot? da fuq u mean there's too Go cut your teeth somewhere else, n00bs. Keep your filthy hands off Star Wars. Chocolate company Mars (M&Ms, Skittles, Twix) is STEPPIN UP to kill the climate change game. Well done. And here's why their involvement matters. Laura's feeling so fresh and so clean clean. In this week's After Dark: What are Millennials killing? Matt has a... comprehensive list. We don't LIKE this, we just have no other CHOICE. Long live bar soap. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-FUCK IT. WE'L DO IT LIVE. But seriously we're doing this live, buckle up. -We've completely revamped our Patreon benefits so that they're simpler, but better, than ever before. Example: personalized, handwritten letters from one of the hosts are coming your way. Check it out at Patreon.com/Millennial -Surprise, bitch...es! -The sky is blue, water is wet, and Russia fucked with our election. -Star Wars director Colin Trevorrow is giving us all anxiety about the future of the saga with his mysterious departure. -President Trump has officially rescinded DACA, the program that allowed undocumented people who were brought here as children to stay. In related news, has anyone seen this country's soul? Anyone? Hello? -Hurricane Irma is on the move, and we take listener feedback from Texans with a bit of knowledge on the subject. -Google That Shit makes a weird but glorious comeback. "Why is Trump's..." And in this week's After Dark: -Micah and The Chair: the Untold Story of the Muggle Who Doesn't Move. -"Thank you soooooooo much!" Laura couldn't be on, so we take turns answering personal questions as though we were her. -Oh, and a bit of actual news: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has announced she's rescinding Title IX protections for survivors of campus sexual assault. We ask again: anyone seen our soul??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's ladies night! And the girls outline a newly-revamped Patreon. MuggleFuck: A History. Coming to a theater near you. Hurricane Harvey breaks records as the largest and most intense hurricane in Texas history. We discuss the ramifications and encourage everyone to donate: The Houston Food Bank The SPCA of Texas Texas Diaper Bank Who is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? Why did he get a pardon? When will he assume his final form as a factory reject dildo? Fact: if you blame children for the decisions of their parents, you're a self-righteous piece of shit. #DACA On this installment of After Dark: AFTER DARK: GAME OF THRONES EDITION. Spoilers are coming. What the fuck was up with the time travel this season?! WHY IS EVERYONE EXCUSING IT So wights can't swim... except when they can. Dat finale tho... Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

BLIIIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT, wrapped up like a douche you know the rumor is you're tight. (Nailed it.) BANNON. IS. OUT! But T-Swift is about to be back in. Bigly. Remember that place "Afghanistan"? Where we've been at war for 16 years? Yeah, that's still happening. "War is peace" and "climate change is 'weather extremes'," according to Big Brother. And you love Big Brother. Disney is divorcing Netflix and, as usual, the kids are the ones who suffer. Surprise, bitch! makes a grand re-entrance to the show as we call not one, not two, but three listeners... all of whom are too mature for their own good. Associate Producer's Choice and Listener Feedback make us think more critically about the removal of confederate statues, and how to handle dating someone who's religious when you're not. In this installment of After Dark: What. The fuck. Was that. Trump's rally in Phoenix, Arizona revealed the most unhinged, incoherent and tone-deaf president in modern times. Explain It Like I'm 5: Laura's new game for us, wherein we're asked to explain shit we don't understand in terms that a five-year-old would. Andrew understands Game of Thrones better than actual fans. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

"In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King Jr. imparted wisdom that still speaks to us today. So let's not stay silent. Charlottesville, Virginia was a repugnant display of violent racism. We try to break down what happened, why, and what the real takeaways should be. THERE IS NO "ALL SIDES" HERE. THERE'S THE NAZI SIDE AND THEN THERE'S THE SIDE FIGHTING THEM. FULL STOP. ZERO ROOM FOR NUANCE. GTFO. We want to hear from people of color and Jewish listeners, so we place some calls and get some insightful remarks. A new round of The Confessional lightens the mood slightly, and Andrew promises to turn over a new leaf. And in this week's After Dark: David from London writes in with his insight into last week's conversation about women in the tech industry. There's sexism, for sure, but it's often misplaced. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to conjure Harry Potter-themed pregnancy announcement ideas. Announcing: a new service that lets you go to the movies an unlimited number of times, for just $10 a month. Cue: AMC having a meltdown. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who the hell gets married over Facetime? After only dating for 3 weeks? Well, let us tell you. It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel like it's a good time to cleanse our souls. We discuss rising tensions with North Korea and take a BUNCH of your pre-apocalypse confessions. Say it with me now: FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. Hawaii becomes the first state to ban texting while... crossing the street? What the fuck kind of micromanaging shit is this? Thanks Obama. Trump TV: The next spiraling slope down our descent into fascism. Listener feedback reveals Andrew is not above slutting up our listeners. And in this week's After Dark: Get up close and personal in our private lives, including a new (and relatively major) relationship development. Pro-tips: do things apart sometimes. Have hobbies and a life outside your partner. Always flush the toilet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pay for Bae: how should couples split things like dates and bills? Is it okay for that dynamic to be lopsided? How are trends (and gender norms) affecting this discussion? AP Choice asks us how to start a new podcast. We have literally no good advice. And in this week's (long) After Dark: We air out our guilty pleasures and learn about some… weird ways of making sure you're all clear to poop. AIM is a treasure trove of embarrassing, 10-year-old conversations between the hosts back in their tender teens. We read through some and regret it instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey what's going on guys? Anything new? Been a pretty slow news week? NOT. But first, listener feedback spends some time sucking Laura's dick. Trump announces... via tweet... a ban on transgender troops. #FUCK. #YOU. What's worse: Trump shitting on Sessions, or Sessions gleefully smearing it all over his own face? "It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right - I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiife." Goodbye Spicey. The CDC releases a new study finding that half of all female homicide victims are killed by their partners. The girls, sadly, aren't surprised. Devil's Advocate begs Spicey to come back. And in this week's After Dark: HOW. DEEP. IS YOUR LOOOOOVE? Trump might take his relationship with Putin to the next level. Andrew dishes the details on Kyle. A very... personal game of "Never Have I Ever" engenders some raw confessions about phone sex, break ups, SPITTING???, and uncomfortable secrets. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ANDREW. MEETS. KYLE!!! And the crowd roars. (See photo below) Ten years after the release of Deathly Hallows, Laura reflects on her life choice. Andrew airs those life choices for all to see on Patreon. MySpace struggles with a serious security flaw that lets you log into someone's profile with just their birthday and email address. In related news: the hosts learn MySpace still exists. "If I'd known he wouldn't be a willing pawn in my sham government, I wouldn't have picked him!" said the President of the United States. ALMOST VERBATIM. LIKE REALLY. Obamacare lives... for now. Don't drop your guard. And don't pretend you're never gonna fly United again cause you fuckin will. Hidden from the Headlines: our own imminent death. Surprise, bitch! and AP Choice make comebacks, with a question about the Founding Fathers that was divinely inspired just for one of us. And this week in After Dark: We parse the ramifications of John McCain's cancer diagnosis and pray to all that is holy he'll be all right. Voicemails!!! Ya'll need Jesus. Devil's Advocate takes a swing at Warren Buffett and the abhorrent practice of charitable giving. #BootstrapsNation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

America is all "ain't no party like a covfefe party cause the covfefe party don't stop" or some shit like that. - The found footage nightmare of our favorite haunted house is coming soon to a Patreon near you. - Donald Trump Jr, the little engine that colluded: when life gives you Russians, rig an election. - Net Neutrality is in danger and why you should care. Tweet @AjitPaiFCC and let the FCC director know you want to stream that Japanese Bukake in HD without being throttled because Pornhub can pay for a faster connection. - A confessional by a millennial about millennials rankles some of the hosts. And in this week's episode of After Dark: - What to do about douchebag relatives? No really, tell us - we're actually asking. - How relatives can put strain on your marriage, and some advice for remaining a unit in the face of familial fuckery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're live streaming the episode on Patreon! Throughout the episode our supporters chat with us. The next iPhone will be getting rid of the fingerprint scanner. We wonder what this experience will be like for those of us with double or triple chins. The rest of the show is all about the listeners! We do a Surprise Bitch call who's being all Hollywood on us from Pittsburgh. In AP Choice, our listeners ask about feeling confident in yourself and comedy specials. Three confessionals focus on family, virginity, and blowjobs -- three of God's favorite things. That last one brings up a whole fight over condom BJs. Voicemails request our Game of Thrones predictions and ask us to praise Canada in honor of their 150th anniversary. In recommendations, Andrew says to go to the Museum while Laura says to leave State Farm. This week in After Dark we talk about an e-mail from Luke who asks about compulsory voting. Why isn't it a thing in America? Also, what the hell are sausage sizzles? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Patrons are in for some sleepless nights next week. Brace yourselves for a ghost tour. Voicemails makes a triumphant return with a hilarious drunk message for the hosts. "3 kisses are demanded upon entry of the abode, whether morning or night, on pain of death." Relationship contracts are a thing. What would be in ours? "Transparency is that thing that happens when I pee, right? The burning sensation?" -President Trump, who refuses to broadcast any of his press briefings for the first time in (televised) presidential history Lose/lose: a new study found that pregnant women are judged in the workplace no matter what they do. Working women around the globe feign shock and surprise. Hidden from the Headlines reveals Norway is one bad mothafucka. 73% of Democrats would give up ________ to see Trump impeached tomorrow. Fill in the blank with us on The Number. And in this week's After Dark: A study reveals Google knows a fuck more about us than we'd even guessed - and Andrew gets real. Google That Shit tells us more about ourselves than others. Speaking of Andrew: life update! Find out which city he'll be moving to in a few months and how best to stalk him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Introducing: #Millennial voicemails. A way for you to harass us and an even better way for us to laugh at you. Not in my house: liberals get a' talkin' to for some blatant, disturbing hypocrisy that's run roughshod over the Otto Warmbier story. Justice is an elusive hero, and this week, we question whether it's just that a girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself is found guilty of voluntary manslaughter. Gun Rights Matter, unless you're black. We lament the tragic outcome in the Philandro Castile case. Amazon and Whole Foods, sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g. Patron's Choice topics and a quick game of Who Said It? round out this mess of a show. And in this week's After Dark: It's the economy, stupid: but the economy is changing. For the first time ever, solar jobs outnumber coal jobs in Virginia. Questions to Make You Fall in Love: Part III. The Dark and Dirty. When did you last cry by yourself? What would you regret most if you suddenly died tomorrow? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Breaking personal, family-related news sends the hosts into shock... and pride. The Confessional asks for advice on a Friends With Benefits situation. Step one: don't live with your ex's family. Sometimes we should worry about what's NOT making headlines. America's Dad is about to have his life shattered and we couldn't be happier. "Why, this line of questioning is givin' me a case of the vapors!" -Attorney General of the United States Ya done fucked up, poppet: U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May initiates a snap election and nothing goes according to plan. Chip chip. Surprise, bitch! introduces us to a much cooler Laura. And in this week's After Dark: 36 Questions That Lead to Love: By Psychologist Buzzfeed We dive into these questions, legit formulated by a popular psychologist, to see whether they can make us like each other. "Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" delivers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Women and girls across the globe shout COME AT ME BRO into the night, emboldened by the power and mystique of Wonder Woman. Associate Producer's Choice - topics submitted by our rockin' sockin' $10 Patrons - gets goofy. #EatEverything "I'm here to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not the citizens of Paris," said a president who REALLY THINKS PARIS CAME UP WITH THE PARIS ACCORD?? REALLY? But actually. What is the Paris Climate Accord? What did it do, and why did Trumpacolypse withdraw the United States from it? If you're just as infuriated as we are, demand your mayor and governor join wearestillin.com Bill Maher ain't no Mark Twain. He's just a dick who used the N word. But what should be done about it? Apple creates a new kind of "Do Not Disturb" mode, presumably for people who like to carry phones but not use them. #wut Hidden from the Headlines: Puerto Rico. And the Founding Fathers spit on us. In this week's After Dark: COMING SOON: COMEY'S REVENGE. THURSDAY. 9:30 AM. BE THERE, and we'll record and release our reactions to the hearing immediately after. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy birthday to our own Founding Father, Andrew Simsjefferson, without whom none of us would be here. (He is our literal dad.) Getting an IUD is like entering the Gates of Hell and your doctor is Lucifer. We start news off on a serious note, as reports roll in of a terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. Why a concert venue? Why Ariana Grande? Look at these young whippersnappers with their funny clothes and rock music! Hmph. The Russia investigation heats up and goes full fucking General Hospital on our asses with even more mounting drama. What's the end game here? Hidden from the Headlines: Actual News. New Justice Department policies and White House budget proposals may upend millions of lives, but few people are talking about it. Surprise, bitch! gets flirty. In this week's After Dark: The Spin Room: Matt and Andrew put on their best Sean Spicer suit and defend the president. Thank you for your question. Can an old tv show make new waves? With the country in chaos, television is quickly becoming everyone's favorite escape. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's been going on this week, guys? Nothing? Yeah, same here. EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK. Someone at the FBI leaks a memo former Director James Comey wrote wherein he describes Trump pressuring him to drop his investigation - meanwhile, President Fuhrer tells the Russians ALL KINDS OF CLASSIFIED SHIT Oh and P.S. a special prosecutor has been appointed to take on the Russia-Trump investigation. No big. Does anything else even matter? Yes, as it turns out, because no one can afford homes (or food) anymore. One journalist suggests Millennials cut back on the avocado toast. Mmmkay. Hidden from the Headlines digs into some partisan shenanigans going on in North Carolina. Surprise, Bitch! gives us blue balls once again. And, oh yeah, we did also talk about Harry Styles and baby gravy at the top. Yes, you read that right. In this week's After Dark: Why stop at avocado toast? Cut out ALL the fun things! We delve into our own weird habits and guilty pleasures that are keeping us from being homeowners. Listeners chime in. A small nugget of economic theory is your prize for listening. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew, Laura, and Matt recap their recent adventures: Andy's back on the east coast, Laura is about to own a home, and Matt's saying bye to his parents. All of this is good news, it seems. Andrew extends his in-person interactions with #Millennial listeners to a new level: Dating. Frankly, there's only one news story to discuss this week: Comey. We offer a quick recap of the week and what it means for the future. Is it possible to dislike Comey AND dislike Trump's decision? Yes, absolutely. Come on, crazy Republicans. Family Feud: Trump Adjectives Edition. The Number: What's the age that 20 - 26 year olds think it's lame to move in with your parents? Andrew shudders to read the answer. In Surprise Bitch, Andrew and Laura apologize for ghosting one of our listeners. Laura recommends El Techo in San Francisco's Mission, if any of you want to eat in style. In After Dark, we discuss recent cybersecurity flaws that've wrecked havoc across the globe. What can we do to keep ourselves secure? Or should we just throw our hands up and admit nothing can keep us safe? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Fuher Laura. YOU get manipulated! *YOU* get manipulated! EVERYONE. GETS. MANIPULATED!!! -Oprah if she worked for Facebook. Why was there a Civil War? What was slavery? Is the sky blue? What's even, like, REAL, man? President Trump asks the tough questions and the lamestream media just doesn't get it. Shutdowns and border walls and bombs, OH MY! A budget deal was struck and Commander Cockwaffle isn't having it. Amazon Echo: For the sadomasochist in all of us. Brought to you by Matt, copyright 2017. And in this week's After Dark: We decide to get more personal than usual (yup, it's possible) and discuss the nitty gritty details of our love lives - with the explicit goal of embarrassing each other in front of our boyfriends. Some of whom are present. We each describe how our first kisses went down. Surprises abound. Welcome to Jeopardy, with your host, Awkward Vanna White! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners? Bye boi! Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good reason. What do you want to hear on your death bed? "You are loved"? "Heaven is real"? "Donald Trump's in prison"? Are the last two the same thing? The hosts investigate. Uber gets a smackdown from Apple and Andrew starts his own religion. And in After Dark: Hidden From the Headlines: Dow Chemical asks President Thundercunt to ignore a new government study that found Dow's pesticides are fuckin up 1,800 endangered animals. "WHAT WILL DONALD DO?!" wonders nobody. "Dear Diary, I am about to receive terrible advice. But here's go nothing." We respond to a few listeners' requests for sage life wisdom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog. Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nintendo Switch. Jesus may have come back on Easter and all, but can't we agree he's just a one-trick pony at this point? Snapchat is doomed, but Instagram stories are here for all of Andrew's sex taping needs! Infowars' resident sociopath and MAGA baseball cap conossieur Alex Jones must admit he's either a playing the role of a neo-Nazi or a shitty dad. (Spoiler: it's both.) United airlines has decided to give peace a chance by softening their ass beating de-boarding policy to simply deny boarding to paying customers in favor of last minute crew bookings. Surprise Bitch leaves the hosts content now that someone finally answered - welcome to the show, Mallory! Since you picked up we won't shit talk you. And in this week's edition of After Dark: We share our most embarrassing sex stories, from losing our virginity all the way to weird dirty talk. Life pro tip: anal and poop go hand in hand. Our listeners outdo us with their sparkly purple dildos, though. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth. "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them. The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies. President Trump (hahaha still soul-crushing to write) launches tomahawk missiles in Syria, attacking the airfields President Assad used to launch last week's chemical attack against his own civilians. Someone should've bought baby Trump a game of Risk so he could understand that war is a fucking strategic enterprise not a God damned Atlantic City craps table. Happy Passover, Jewish friends! This holiday, kick back and let White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer school you on Holocaust history. #KnowledgeIs(White)Power Surprise, bitch! continues to be an actual fucking bitch. In this week's After Dark: Laura's quarter-life crisis continues as she details the many policies that are holding first time home-buyers (such as herself) back. Andrew is down to clown with the nearest real estate agent willing to waive closing costs. Life sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself. Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners. Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feedback - tl;dr if you’re flying for free, don’t be a dick or dress like a hobo. In News, we cover a myriad of cheerful tales such as chemical attacks in Syria and the stolen SCOTUS seat and impending filibuster of Neil Gorsuch. Andrew saves us with some tech talk. Student loan debt holders have 99 problems and they’re all Navient/Fedloan. Devil’s advocate forces Laura and Matt to defend Pepsi’s latest advertising gaffe. Nothing says “grab a Pepsi” like racial discrimination and police brutality! Surprise, Bitch! returns. Prepare to be disappointed. And on this week’s edition of After Dark: We have a voicemail number specifically for Patrons! Call and tell us to call barf bag of ice. UN Women and Mexico City Officials have installed “penis seats” on metro cars in an effort to show men what it feels like to get an unwelcome boner rubbed on your ass during your daily commute. Mens’ reactions range from discomforted chuckles to deep offense, which is a bit of an overreaction - the seats are just paying them a compliment. Andrew and Matt argue about why movie theater attendance is up. Laura goes catatonic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck Off, Cupid introduces us to pickup lines so egregiously bad, we question evolution. In this week's After Dark: Uber, Lyft, GrubHub, OKCupid - the rise of smartphone apps has led to a growing conversation about whether these services are responsible for user safety. Yes, even GrubHub has horror stories. Laura reports. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr. Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty and The Beast gets positive reviews, even from folks who didn't care to see it. Will Belle finally address her Stockholm Syndrome? A high school teenager in the Mid-West went viral last week after her school sent her home for exposing her shoulders. The girls get angry. The Number reveals one of us spends too much money on Pokemon incubators. And in this week's Special, Forever-Long Edition of After Dark: We make up for our Spring Break stint with a special appearance by Andrew's little brother, Ryan, who reveals precisely how he found out Andrew was gay... years before he officially came out. Spoiler alert: video footage. #TheresAnAppForThat Okay guys. Let's dive into TrumpCare. What does the GOP's new healthcare bill actually do, and who would it most directly affect? A Confessional has us feeling all kinds of Dr. Phil-y as we dissect the complexities of friendship. Thankfully we can offer completely objective advice given we don't have friends. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship. We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community. Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole country relies on for clean drinking water, but ha ha it's okay it's not like we need that to live. #blessed Do 1st amendment rights apply to robots? They should when they're recording you. Amazon fights to keep Echo users' personal privacy intact from law enforcement. We're off next week for Spring Break, but don't worry, we're sure nothing big will happen between now and then. ​And in this week's After Dark: ​Laura and Andrew discuss the not-State of the Union address. Shit. Is he learning how to sound presidential? Healthcare was a prominent topic, as was this VOICE nonsense. We discuss both matters and praise low co-pays. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To anal, or not to anal? What you've all been waiting for: the answers to what happened in Aruba. Columbia University accepts, then unaccepts, 277 applicants. In related news: 277 teenagers are spared the trauma of attending Columbia. Should food stamps be used to buy candy and soda? The State of Maine asks, #Millennial (kind of?) answers. #ItGetsBetter is more than just a catchy phrase: a new study finds that since gay marriage laws were passed, the teen suicide rate has dropped. Michigan State has 99 problems but a whiteboard ain't one. Where were you when Sweden was attacked by its immigrant population? We can't remember. Neither can Sweden. Listener feedback unravels a deep, serious confession from somebody admitting to being transphobic. We welcome the thoughts and experiences of any trans listeners who would like to respond on the next episode. MAKE THAT DENTIST APPOINTMENT YET ANDREW? And in this week's After Dark: How to Adult 101: Listeners have questions about commuting to work, buying homes, and getting married. Our advice can be summed up as: don't get married, have a funeral instead, coffins < solo cups, and fuck commutes longer than 10 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

1/4 of our panel is celebrating Valentine's Day in Aruba, so the rest of us are here to talk shit on her. We're not jealous or anything. The Grammy's were just asking for #GrammysSoWhite to trend, and they lived down to expectations. Something something 50 shades something Katy Perry. Laura and Andrew both became single in time for Valentine's Day and have an 85% match on OKC. OTP! Listener feedback leaves us feeling like we're still too old for that clubbing shit and that sexuality is weird. Tracking Trump is a our new segment in which we attempt to contain the diatonic new world order to 10 minutes of our show. It still feels like shit, sorry. AP choice asks us to relive our best and worst years, for book recommendations, and our thoughts on Jason Carter using a certain four word expletive on Twitter. Laura and Matt rock our new favorite game - Who said it - Voldemort or Steve Bannon? And on this week's edition of After Dark: Given the extreme weather events we're seeing in Louisiana, Northern California, and the northeastern United States, we want to tell you some sweet cozy stories about times we've nearly died in natural disasters. All you need to know is that there is a weather phenomena called a "microburst" that will make you want to nope off of this planet. Our stories of earthquake and tornado survival pale in comparison to one listener's story of surviving an avalanche. Fuck. That. Shit. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There may be big changes coming for one of us over Valentine's Day. Stay tuned. Listener feedback takes a dump on Andrew and weaves a tale of panties and bushes. We guarantee we're the only podcast that will go from anal to the Constitution. #blessed "Fuck those immigrants, amirite?!" -Native Americans and/or Donald Trump We discuss Betsy DeVos (Note: This episode was recorded before she was confirmed as Education Secretary). One gay, two gay, three gays, four. Five gays, six gays, seven homos more. A new survey reveals Americans greatly overestimate the size of the LGBTQ community. Adam Sandler, or a gay club? Matt gives us the name. We guess (badly). And in this week's After Dark: #NeverForget the Bowling Green Massacre. We each share our stories of where we were on that fateful day. How, and why, does the Trump administration get away with such outrageous lies? What's their strategy here? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Good News, the Boy Scouts are now cool with transgendered youth joining their organization. Hollywood no longer hates Mel Gibson, which is SAD! Will Facebook's latest News Feed changes have a positive effect on curbing fake news? Our $10 Patron offer a few discussion topics, including feeling useless when you're in a Democratic state like California, and long distance relationships. And this week in After Dark: How do you stay sane during these difficult times? We offer a few solutions, including major social media breaks and escaping to other worlds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else. Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight. News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident. Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither. And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing of us all. The perfect penis? Pre-sex hygiene habits? Pegging? This After Dark has it all. Except class. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millennials get shit on from every direction, but we're still expected to live up to past generation's successes. FUCK YOU MOM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices