Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

Happy Black History Month! Stop asking for a White History Month. Pat is back this week, fresh off a urination tour around the Grand Canyon. Andrew and Pat definitely “don’t wanna be friendssss” with their seat neighbor at Gaga’s Vegas residency show. Listener Feedback: Fabi’s family is from Venezuela, and she’s a Democrat who… agrees with Trump’s support of opposition leader Juan Guaido. You know the Super Bowl is boring AF when the main takeaway is the infamous, mysterious viral egg. This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arms race when Cold War-era treaties are suspended. If your dick pic game left something to be desired in the past, you’re in luck: Facebook messenger will now allow you to delete old embarrassing private messages. But also no one wants to see your dick. Should Virginia Governor Ralph Northam resign amidst a racist yearbook photo discovery? This week’s episode is sponsored by Openfit (text MIL to 30-30-30 for a special extended 30-day free trial), Away (visit awaytravel.com/mill and use promo code mill during checkout for $20 off a suitcase), and Rothy’s (rothys.com and enter promo code mill for free shipping with no minimum purchase). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s Installment of After Dark: We tune into the State of the Union speech momentarily and offer some commentary on the Orange Menace’s butchering of the English language and American Democracy. Speaking of Mike Pence, let’s talk about our cultural obsession with serial killers! We dive into why serial killers haunt our communities and pique our interests. Andrew shocks the panel with a revelation about how his life was touched by a real-life killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The government may have been re-opened for three weeks, but #Millennial has always been here for you. We welcome #Millennial’s official gaming correspondent (and nothing else), Marc, back to the show! Andrew and Pat are about to head to Vegas where they will enjoy West Coast specialties like In-N-Out and painted rocks. Thoughts and Prayers: Andrew facing sub-arctic temperatures and Laura facing the Super Bowl in her home city. Nintendo and Toei/Namco-Bandai seem to be snubbing major tournaments by not allowing them to host Super Smash Bros or Dragonball Fighterz. We wonder why they’re being such buzzkills and how this would even be enforceable at smaller scale tournaments. In the news: A GAY 2020 candidate, Canada ranked #1 for quality of life in the world, Venezuela’s leader rated the absolute worst with 80% of his country opposing him, and the creators of Fortnite being sued for stealing some sweet dance moves. This week's episode is brought to you by UnTuckIt (use promo code 'millennial' for 20% off your first purchase), Robinhood (visit millennial.robinhood.com for a free stock), and FabFitFun (use code MILL to get $10 off your first box) And in this week’s installment of After Dark: A number of celebrities are sitting out this year’s Super Bowl to protest police brutality and the NFL’s treatment of Colin Kaepernick. When does celebrity activism work, and when does it fall flat? Internet personalities seem to do a better job of keeping narratives constant, while A-listers tend to make one-off statements. As per usual, we get off topic and start talking about random stories from our youth. We’re sorry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• Friend of the show and official #Millennial conservative correspondent Parker joins us again this week to talk about the government shutdown. • We also get Parker’s reactions to the growing list of 2020 Democratic candidates and are surprised by some areas where we agree! • Andrew's got a new side hustle: A Podcast and Patreon consulting business! Hit him up if you need help with your own show or Patreon. • Laura’s rage of the week: Democrats, get the $%#& over yourselves and your ideological purity tests. • With Netflix’s recent release of viewership numbers, it raises the question of how our consumption of content has changed. Is there still a place for network TV? • Netflix has named its biggest competitor, and surprisingly, it’s not another streaming service. • Just in the nick of time, Spotify is rolling out a new feature that will allow you to block R.Kelly or any other artist you don’t want to hear from. • Things get a little… personal in this week’s recommendations. •This week’s episode is sponsored by Joybird (go here for 25% off your first order), ZipRecruiter (try for FREE), and BioClarity (enter code MIL for a FREE Clarifying Masque with purchase of a skin routine). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: • YouTube is cracking down on videos featuring dangerous pranks and challenges. #RIPTidePodchallenge • Banning videos that encourage dangerous behaviors is all well and good, but YouTube doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to restricting “inappropriate content.” • Devil’s Advocate: Government Shutdown/Wall Edition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s 2019, but we peaked in 2009 so don’t expect us to participate in your 2009 vs 2019 selfie challenge. Laura and Pam detail their weekend drama of cheese fries and Bachelor viewing parties. This week’s $10 Patron guest is Shania, who is gracious and speaks openly with us about being on the Asexuality spectrum. AP Choice: What advice to we have for couples getting ready to move in together? Listener feedback proves that cursive isn’t actually useless. We talk about which Dems are in for 2020 and what is officially the longest government shutdown in US history. People are hurting, what can we do to help? And when will Agent Orange realize he’s never getting his wall? UPDATE: R.Kelly is officially under investigation following Lifetime’s docuseries, “Surviving R.Kelly.” GAME: Fact or Fiction: Government Shutdown Edition. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: “Tidying up with Marie Kondo” is taking the world (and our closets) by storm. Laura has cleared out 6 trash bags’ worth of donations, Pam has emptied her closet, and Andrew has always been orderly. Our tips for deciding what to part with and how to “let go” of things. We all share what we have the hardest time parting with and methods we’ve employed to clear our homes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back for SEASON 5! (Sorry Andrew.) We recount our NYE experiences: little brothers, poopy plungers, and dogs shoving things into toilets. It gets weird. Announcing our new Patreon 2019 benefits: Face to Face hangouts, BREAKING NEWS, LANDY becomes one big show, and $5+ Patrons to get Mega Millennial episodes. AP Choice: Andrew and Pat relationship edition. $10 Patrons get to ask our favorite couple anything! New Year, New Laws! Florida restores voting rights for former felons, hard liquor sales are banned on Sundays in Mississippi, and new gender options are available on CA and NY driver’s licenses. Which of these is the lie? What does 2019 hold in store for President Trump? The hosts make predictions about whether the President will resign, be impeached, or remain untouched by the Mueller investigation. Ellen DeGeneres REALLY wants Kevin Hart to host the Oscars. Has Hart redeemed himself sufficiently to deserve the hosting opportunity and Ellen’s allyship? Bubble butt bubble bubble bubble butt. This week's sponsors are Rothy's (visit Rothys.com and enter code 'MILL' for free shipping), Care/Of (get 25% your first order of personalized vitamins with code 'MILL'), and Harry's (Get a $13 value trial set that comes with everything you need by visiting Harrys.com/Millennial) And in this first 2019 installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: Someone is understandably trying to kick some of her student loan debt, but Laura has some concerns about the method employed to do so. In shocking news to no one, R.Kelly is a creep and needs to be shunned by society and the music business. This brings us to a discussion about the all-too-common trend in Hollywood of young girls being groomed by much older, successful men. Is the music world preparing for its own #timesup moment? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The #Millennial holiday spectacular is here! We’re live, on camera, and drinking! Patrons can watch video of our entire recording here. Our $5 and $10 Patrons gained access to a new benefit: an exclusive #Millennial Discord channel where you can chat with each other and the hosts in realtime! Head over to patreon.com/millennial and click Settings > Account > Add Discord to join in the conversation! The Secret Santa exchange is back, and this year’s gifts are decidedly thoughtful (and in one case, sexxxxy). AP Choice: How do YOU plan on relaxing this holiday season? FB Official Patrons sound off. The Number: Holiday Binge Edition. Will the cost of all these streaming services rival cable package costs? Probably. Will we still pay for it? Probably. The EPA may be undoing the Clean Water Act and Facebook continues fucking up. Recommendations include a breakfast product and a particular Christmas movie. We’ll be back the week of January 7th for SEASON 5! This week’s episode is sponsored by BioClarity (bioclarity.com and enter code MILL for 50% off your first month) and Warby Parker (warbyparker.com/mill to get your free at-home try on!). Support the show by supporting these awesome companies! And in this final 2018 installment of After Dark: More feedback about Canadian goose jackets flies in and Andrew reconsiders his stance on the $1,000 jacket. We go over all the the expected and unexpected happenings of 2018, and what we’re most excited for in 2019 (please God let it be Mueller Time). The Number Part Deux: New Year’s Edition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re gearing up for the holidays! Andrew and Pat are baking cookies, Laura is nearly getting murdered by repairmen, and the deadline to sign up for healthcare is December 15th! Listeners sound off: reactions to last week’s CRISPR discussion and a confessional about a sexless relationship. Since Tumblr is removing porn, we can go ahead and say RIP. On a lighter note, our Associate Producer Choice has $10 Patrons sharing their favorite porn sources, so take notes! “Keep your pic in your pants!” Cyber flashing is the hot new way to sexually harass unwitting iPhone users who don’t monitor their Airdrop settings. Get ready to buy your Amtrak passes: the new Boeing 737 MAX has a YUGE problem that caused a Lion Air flight to crash off the coast of Indonesia. As if that weren’t bad enough, several major airlines have thousands of these planes on order. Since we’re doomed to repeat our historic failures, China has begun interning hundreds of thousands of Muslims in concentration camps in the Xinjiang territory. Surprise, Bitch! gets all pharmaceutical and shit. Reminder: Next week’s episode will be our last of the year and will air LIVE over at patreon.com/millennial. If you’ve ever wanted to know what we look like, now is your chance. This week’s show is sponsored by Policy Genius (https://www.policygenius.com/), Scentbird (http://www.Scentbird.com/MILL and use code MILL for 50% off), and Rothy’s (https://rothys.com/ and enter code MILL for free shipping with no minimum purchase). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Holiday etiquette: who to bring, what to bring, and what not to talk about. Holiday firsts! What do you do when you bring someone home for the first time? What are our first Christmas memories? Andrew holds a holiday grudge and shares a touching Christmas story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back this week with guest Jared, who works for a probation and parole department. Will we get through the episode without bring thrown in the clink? Jared schools us on the importance of criminal justice reform, as well as the other areas our justice system has room for improvement. On the first day of Christmas Robert Mueller gave to me… Now that we can’t watch porn at Starbucks anymore, what is the point of going there, even? A Chinese scientist named He Jiankui has reported that he’s created the world’s first “designer babies,” or gene-edited babies. This development confirms that we are indeed living in a hellscape. Devil’s Advocate finds the panel arguing in support of designer super hero babies. This week’s episode is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.com/Mill, Audible.com/Mill, and Homesick Candles (Enter code MILL for free shipping and 10% off any order over $60). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Turkey hangover has passed, the world is still on fire, and #Millennial is back! What did we do when we were off-air the last two weeks? Partied like fucking rockstars, that’s what. Jk, we all saw Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Weak Screenplays. The US spirals further and further into Orwellian dystopia. Merry Christmas, have some tear gas. George Soros, often accused of bankrolling left-wing conspiracies, was blamed by no other than Facebook for the negative press surrounding its various data privacy breaches. This episode of #Millennial is brought to you by the Satanic Church and Netflix. The Number returns to school President Snow about some voter fraud numbers (fun fact: you’re more likely to be struck by lightening twice in your lifetime than you are to commit voter fraud!). Want to check our sources? Brennan Center ACLU: Facts About Voter Suppression Support the show by supporting this week’s sponsors: Policy Genius (www.policygenius.com), Rothy’s (www.rothys.com and enter code MILL for free shipping), and BioClarity (www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for 50% off and free shipping). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: “We live in a society and when you don’t abide by FAA guidelines on planes, you’re part of the problem” the new smash-hit memoir by Laura Tee. Pam and Laura explain that epic tweet thread where they proclaimed their love for one another. Prepare for implosion: we found something Barack Obama and Donald Trump agree on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're joined by Rachel Ritlop, the owner of The Confused Millennial website and podcast! California has had a terrible week -- Pam and Andrew have stories relating to the Thousand Oaks shooting and the horrific fires Midterm update: The Blue Wave's high tide continues, as Donald Trump declares that we shouldn't count all votes We talk to Rachel about how The Confused Millennial became her full time job What are the biggest challenges with being on that work-from-home grind? And are more people hopping on the freelance train? The panelists have a classic millennial issue in common: They all worry about the future. This week's news all involves entertainment: Disney+, Toy Story 4, Detective Pikachu, and Stan Lee We call one of our listeners who enjoys life as a freelancer (but don't expect them to attend a 12:01 AM Fantastic Beasts screening Andrew recommends Joking Hazard, a game like Cards Against Humanity, but with pictures This week's episode is sponsored by Homesick Candles (use promo code MILL for 10% off a $50+ order and free shipping), Lola (use promo code MILL for 40% off a subscription), and Policy Genius! And this week in After Dark: Pam recently visited Disneyland where it's impossible to find short lines. In better news for Pam, she's finally settled on a therapist. She talks about how she found the right one. In other mental health news, Andrew is finally off of Lexapro. However, he wonders if he'd be better off continuing to take small doses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the 2018 midterms, which will never ever #%$&ing end. Light up a fat one in honor of the nation’s most reviled Keebler Elf, Jeff Sessions. Podcast friends! Check out the podcast Other People’s Lives for the inside scoop on being a 40-year-old virgin, a ghost hunter, and much more. The good: over 1 million Floridians had voting rights re-instated, over 100 women were elected to congress, Democrats took control of the House, the first openly gay governor was elected in Colorado, and the Beto effect trickled down to the state level. The bad (and expected): Republicans maintain control of the Senate, Democrats already infighting about Nancy Pelosi, and several key races still too close to call. The ugly: Voter suppression in Georgia, Trump White House bans Jim Acosta, and with Jeff Sessions fired, Trump has a new lapdog overseeing the Mueller investigation. In The Spin Room, Trump, Huckabee-Sanders, and Conway make appearances to defend the President’s post-midterm rhetoric. We take out the Mailbag and touch on some of your questions: outsider funding for elections, vegetarianism, NaNoWriMo, and gay bath houses. This week’s episode is sponsored by SquareSpace (use offer code MILL) and Policy Genius - support the show by supporting these companies! And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons: The Number returns with a midterms edition! How much student loan debt could have been paid off with the amount spent on this election? We Surprise Bitch three listeners. Two pick up the phone, and one gets an interesting voicemail from Andrew. Laura gets some intel on where in Canada she can move to (she’s sort of not kidding). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Election Day in the United States, so we've created a special episode of #Millennial that is as long as the average wait time at the polls. Enjoy 11 minutes of fun, tears, and WTFness. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pam and Andrew watched the LONG World Series, while Laura got heckled by a weirdo neighbor. We create a special 11 minute #Millennial minisode for when you wait in line to vote. Announcing the new $1 Patreon supporter tier - DTF! Come on, aren’t we worth $1? The MAGAnuts are at it again: shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh and pipe bombs being mailed to prominent Democrats and CNN. For a different kind of explosion, check out the AutoBlow AI - the first sex toy capable of delivering a lifelike blowjob (minus the jaw soreness). Millennials are making Facebook great again… by quitting Facebook. Surprise Bitch! Takes us to Maryland and we shittalk our former co-hosts for leaving the show to get educated. REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 6TH OF NOVEMBER AND DON’T BITCH OUT OF YOUR CIVIC DUTY. This week's episode is sponsored by TIVO, ZipRecruiter, Beach Body on Demand, and BioClarity. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available exclusively on Patreon: Travel nightmares: forgetting wallets, bop its thrown in the Rio Grande, and guarding Tyga’s bling on an airplane. Hidden from the Headlines: Big Tobacco is trying to get Montanans to vote against their own healthcare to avoid a hefty cigarette tax. Also, smokers are gross. Montanans: Vote YES on I-185 next week to save Medicaid expansion in your state! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Listener Josh joins us on the show this week to talk Star Wars, Trump supporting relatives, and to make Andrew envious of his silky radio voice. Laura gives a review of Chicago, Hamilton, and a new definition of gang banging. Researchers at Oxford University report that Virtual Reality exposure therapy can help us withstand our anxieties. How might exposure training for the crippling fear of inadequacy be facilitated? Every time you eat a porkchop, God kills a kitten you are killing the planet. 64% of American adults can’t successfully answer questions like “Who was the first President of the United States?” and “Where is the Statue of Liberty located?” No wonder they don’t know where their polling places are. The panel takes the US citizenship test on air - do we pass? Don’t forget to sign up for your first month of Patreon at the $5 level before November 1st and send us confirmation of your voter registration to get your first month FREE. This week’s show is sponsored by TeamiBlends, Audible, and Scentbird. Support the show by supporting these companies: And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Should people have their citizenship revoked if they can’t pass the citizenship test? Josh and Sarah Huckabee Sanders weigh in. A grocery store worker is fired for stealing $9,200 worth of ham over the span of 8 years, New Zealanders are being sued by Israel, and a gender reveal goes very, very wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Elizabeth Warren, like many white people before her, is cleaving to trace amounts of Native American ancestry in her DNA results. Which brings us to the point of who gives a fuck? The Confessional requires some advice from the #Millennial love doctor and friend whisperer. Taylor Swift may have encouraged an additional 56,669 voters to register, but agent orange likes her music “25% less.” Sad! Voter suppression in Georgia has Laura repeatedly reminding listeners to call on Republican gubernatorial candidate Brian Kemp to resign as Georgia’s Secretary of State. We all know streaming is the most popular way to listen to music, but were surprised to learn what the the top streaming medium is. The Number makes a triumphant return in which Pam and Laura try to fill in details from the streaming report covered in the episode. Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba Sithi uhm ingonyama! Surprise Bitch takes us to North Carolina, where Sam’s husband is the Rafiki to their cat’s Simba. And in this week's After Dark on Patreon: The KellyAnne Kanye game returns, and the answers may surprise you! 000000 is the new beat Kanye’s getting ready to drop. JK he’s just an idiot. Discussion: The privatization of our problems. Dominoes is filling potholes, Elon Musk is filtering Flint’s water, and Skipping Rocks Laboratory is creating edible water pods. To what extent are corporations responsible to pitch in? Do we rely too much on them and demand too little of our government? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Want your first month of #Millennial bonus content for free? Confirm your voter registration status and we’ll happily oblige. Click here for more details. UPDATE: Fan Bingbang has been released - sadly, this story ends in tragedy for her bank account. Judge Kavanope was confirmed to the Supreme Court Saturday. Joe Manchin proved that there is no such thing as a West Virginia Democrat, and Susan Collins said “I believe victims of sexual assault, I just don’t care. LOL.” Knock the Vote hopes to bring out the millennial vote by taunting us with a blistering ad about how we so often opt out of the process. This week in creepy tech: BrainNet, Facebook Portal, and new Echo monitors. AP Choice has us giving advice to aspiring rideshare drivers, and addressing Dumbledore’s preferred coital moves. This week's episode is sponsored by BioClarity, TIVO, Skillshare, and Harry's. You can support #Millennial by supporting these companies! Learn more at this link And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Andrew has another wedding to bitch about, and with good reason! Laura gets into an old-school showdown in her Facebook comments with an acquaintance. PSA: Stop complaining about how fat you are. It’s annoying AF. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew's feeling a love for Patagonia this fall, but appears to be the only brand whore on the panel #Millennial PSA: If you know a white man being denied an opportunity because of his history as an abuser, keep him in your #thoughtsandprayers. CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION STATUS. THEN DOUBLE CHECK IT: Vote.org Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was poised, measured, and credible in her testimony. Meanwhile, Dudley Dursley had a partisan meltdown. Will a limited scope, short FBI investigation vindicate Dr. Ford and save us all the agony of watching Kavanaugh do keg stands on SCOTUS for the next 30 years? Also in need of #thoughtsandprayers: Facebook is in the midst of yet another data and permissions breach. Andrew and Laura recommend using a password manager like 1Password or LastPass to protect your credentials. The latest thing millennials are killing? DIVORCE RATES. Are we better at relationships or can we just not afford them? We share our iOS12 screen time results - WE CAN QUIT ANYTIME WE WANT, OKAY?! Listener Helen provides the most sage, insightful Surprise Bitch! experience to date. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available to all Patrons this week: We have more to say about the current SCOTUS drama - sorry not sorry. Andrew provides a mental health and therapy iPad update. Netflix rolling out choose your own adventure programming? How will this affect the way we interpret entertainment? Shut up and take our money: Harry Potter RPG in development. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Live from the #Millennial Pulpit this week, we are joined by Alex, who is both a listener and a pastor. We’re shocked that such a good person listens to THIS show. Offensive Halloween costumes are back in full force this year. What’s sexier than sexual servitude? Do: Dress up like Black Panther if you want! Don’t: Paint your skin brown. Why is this hard for people? Is Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein next on the Trump chopping block? What this would mean for the Mueller investigation and why we should all be prepared to protest. Hidden from the Headlines: Tens of thousands of student loan borrowers under the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program just got screwed out of debt forgiveness after paying on their loans for 10 YEARS. Life pro-tip: Call your lenders to make sure you’re not in “pay-head status” if you’re a PSLF recipient. Surprise Bitch! Brings back a, um, former guest host. Alex tells us all about the process of becoming a pastor, and how he knew from a very young age that this was his calling. He also fills us in on some of the common misconceptions of his field, and some important social justice work he is doing. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Some personal updates from the hosts AND… …Ticketmaster looks to be guilty of some fuckery that would result in them benefitting from multiple processing charges as a result of running their own reseller service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hurricanes, mushrooms, and homeowner woes abound in this week’s #Millennial. The Emmys were a snooze fest for viewers and presenters alike. Brett Kavanaugh gets the Anita Hill treatment: Dr. Christine Blasey Ford has come forward with allegations that the SCOTUS nominee assaulted her when they were teenagers. Did the Chinese government kidnap famous actress Fan Bingbang for tax evasion? Guess which country wants to legalize dueling? Surprisingly, it’s not the US. Google that Shit (or, in Soviet Russia, you no Google Shit, Shit Google you). The Confessional gets personal: casual sex and ending long-term relationships. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: Late Bloomers! According to the University of Michigan’s Transportation Research Institute, millennials are slower to get behind the wheel. Boomers consume more news than millennials, but does quantity of consumption necessarily equate to quality? We can’t defend this one: our generation has the lowest voter turnout numbers of any age group. VOTE LEST YE BE BONED BY STUDENT LOANS. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pat is back with some big news: His fam won Best Cow at the county fair. #BumpkinLife Shockingly, Pat was uninterested in dating Show Andrew but came around once he met Real Andrew. Important Announcement: Andrew has hSv, not hPv. Why the hell do people not leave when a hurricane is coming their way? Stay safe, East Coast! Facebook Official Patrons ask two questions: Is Trump's position on trade justified? How do we feel about horror video games? Apple is back with new products you don't need but will probably buy anyway. Poor Laura: She has no choice but to get one! "I've fallen and I can't get up!' Apple Watch is the new Life Alert. A new tool from the New York Times reveals how much hotter our hometowns have been getting. Do the results surprise us? At least one of us is genuinely shocked.. in the wrong way. A new report has found that taken selfies negatively affects your self esteem. Wait, what? This week's Surprise, Bitch call brings us to Pat's home state of Wisconsin. Brittany reveals she doesn't.. have.. a smart phone!? Hidden from the Headlines: The Trump administration has been denying U.S. citizens passports. And Pam reveals that her grandparents are worried about her. Recommendations: Spider-Man for PS4, Brandless, and Cupping. EW. (Not the sexy type of cupping) And this week in After Dark: MuggleSuck returns and we straight up talk shit on a whacked out person. You won't believe the nonsense they pulled on 9/11. WTF News: A dog mayor, cops wasting time, and a right-shoe robber. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the (shit)show, Angel! Do furries dress as red pandas? BREAKING: A senior White House official wrote an anonymous op-ed for the New York Times confirming the Republic’s dumpster fire status. 2018 Gift for $10 Patrons: a #Millennial sticker set! Facebook Official Patrons can expect to receive theirs in a few weeks (Make sure your mailing address is up to date!). Pledge at the Facebook Official Level now to receive your sticker set later this year! We’ve found the one thing millennials aren’t killing: STDs. The CDC has reported record jumps in the spread of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia. GET TESTED. The one man advocating for student loan borrowers on the federal level has resigned his post in protest. WTF: Proctor & Gamble has come up with a dumb, completely non-innovative marketing strategy. 2 Truths, 1 Lie: Trumpster Fire edition. And in this week's After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons: Laura is allergic to everything - tales of a trip to the allergist. We check in with a former #Millennial co-host and ask if he’s seen any vaginas in his new line of work. The Confessional: when friends with benefits goes awry and thinking your life is super lame and boring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s a full show this week: remembering John McCain, a victory in Georgia, and PSL is comin’ back baby! Actress and creator Mariana Novak joins us to talk acting life, voiceover work, Jason Bateman, and being Russian and American in the current climate. We always knew Paul Manafort would look great in orange… …and that Michael Cohen would flip… …and that the National Enquirer has a safe filled with dirt on Trump?! Looking forward to November 6th, Lyft will be providing free and reduced fare rides to your polling place! These damn teenagers are taking our jobs: the wild, wild west of Instagram influencers. The latest mass shooting in Jacksonville, FL makes us take a look at some numbers by playing The Number. Someone actually answers for Surprise Bitch! on the first call! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: WTF News makes its return, and shockingly, neither of the stories originated in Florida. How does everyday tech use impact our friendships and relationships? Do any of us just need to put the damn phone down? Videogames as a bonding tool: the cheap way to spend time with bae without reproducing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, listener Kelsey joins the show to give us public speaking advice (gulp)! Pam is back from Vegas with an explanation of how she met a Backstreet Boy and why she bought $20 avocado toast and thus will be unable to retire. How to embrace the nerves and anxiety surrounding public speaking? Remember that no one wants you to fail (unless your name begins with T and ends with rump). Facebook is looking to solidify its presence as the internet’s cesspit by introducing an anonymous down-voting system. Uncle Eustace can now upvote his favorite bigoted rhetoric and face 0 social accountability for it! Zillow says that millennials can’t afford homes because we’re attending too many destination weddings. Meanwhile, none of their value estimates are remotely accurate. The election board of Randolph county, Georgia is planning to close 7 of its 9 polling places. Take two guesses which group of people this will disenfranchise. The Confessional gets a little bi-curious, and Surprise, Bitch! isn’t much of a surprise this week. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: An additional bi-curious confessional! How many, uh, verbal fillers did we use in episode 4x30? It is now U.S. policy to support poachers: dozens of permits have been issued to GOP donors, allowing them to murder endangered species abroad and bring their “trophies” home for the mantle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of our hosts spent $20 on avocado toast, so we fired her and warned that she’ll never be able to afford a home. Marc sits in, promoting Andrew to ask a barrage of personal questions as one does. Who’s getting guaranteed salaries, health insurance, bonuses for wins, and subscription payments? Gamers. The panel experiences a sudden desire for a career shift. JFK nOT DeAd CIA tOOK DoWn JFK jr. So hilLarY COulD RuN fOR SEnaTe tOM HAnKS iS A PedoPhiLe tRUMP kNoWs ExaCtlY hOW tO Be prEsiDEnt wE ArE Q Electric scooters are the latest craze in major cities and we all clearly fucked up by ditching our razors. We’re asked via the confessional what we think happens after death and we (probably) disappoint the asker. Surprise, Bitch! 5th time’s the charm. And in this week's After Dark: After last week’s complaining about fitness models on instagram, we can’t wait to talk about our mad gainz. Listener feedback comes with a reaction to listener Kris’s transition to living in her card and a warning to steer clear of a certain credit bureau’s subscription program. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the end of 420 jokes - it’s episode 4x30 maaaaaaan. Welcome Roshni! This week, we kick off a new $10 Patron benefit where we’ll be bringing on listener guest hosts. This week marks the 53rd anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. The best way to celebrate is to check your voter registration status. Listener Kris is moving out of her apartment, and into her car. We call her, and she fields a multitude of questions about her new life. Judeo-Christian ideals are deeply rooted in our culture and politics. Roshni brings this topic to the table, and asks a few very important questions. Namely, will the US ever move beyond these ideals? Should it? If Alex Jones screams into the void after being banned from Facebook and Youtube, does it make a sound? Recommendations: Chicago Architecture Tour, Sharp Objects, Eight Grade, and checking your credit report And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Social media norms that need to die: humble brag gym selfies, expecting people to follow/friend you, vague booking, posting pictures of your perfect fucking relationship with your amazing boyfriend OKAY KAREN WE GET IT. What social media faux pas are we guilty of? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We chose avocado toast over paying the bills, but we still managed to return from our summer break as promised. Where do we stand on Disney’s firing of James Gunn? How false equivalencies and absolutism have made this debate a frustrating one. Andrew made Laura a song, our listeners fap to Andrew, and much more in this week’s confessional. In altogether non-shocking news, then-candidate Trump was presented with evidence that Vladimir Putin sought to interfere in the 2016 election, and a best friendship was born. If a drunk girl doesn’t vomit in an Uber, and the driver reports it, does it leave a mess? Demi Lovato relapses after 6 years of sobriety: we share our take on the growing opioid epidemic. The Trump administration is trying to cut key provisions of the Endangered Species Act, which will result in doom and destruction on planet earth (no, really). And in this week’s episode of After Dark: The MuggleSuck Tales continue with a modern twist. AP choice brings questions from our $10 Patrons: favorite meals to cook, experiences taking anti-depressants, homeschooling, and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On this week’s episode, we take a walk on the conservative side. Listener Parker joins us to talk hot button topics like immigration, funding, healthcare, and abortion. If con is the opposite of pro, isn’t congress the opposite of progress? Several members of congress get duped into publicly endorsing a program that would arm preschoolers. Facebook wants to ensure you’re seeing more of the things you care about: baby pictures, cat videos, and Infowars conspiracy theories. Another one bites the dust: another key pillar of the Affordable Care Act, risk adjustments, have been slashed from the budget. Devil’s Advocate sees us truly crossing the aisle this week, as each host has to argue in favor of an opposing political ideology. Don’t forget to check out our new album art. Kudos to Jon! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: New stories from #Millennial: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Pet Policies, Laura Tee and the Rising Premium Rates. How can companies ensure brand loyalty amongst millennials? What sorts of practices turn us off? Google That Shit! We will be off next week, but Patrons will receive an extra 7 minutes of good content recorded during this episode. It'll be released around the middle of next week! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re joined this week by Andrew’s paramour, Pat! Pat fills us in on that dairy farmer life: tariffs, and hormones, and nut juice, oh my! Speaking of milk, the US delegation to the UN made waves this week when they went rogue and blocked a resolution that would have promoted breastfeeding. Our BFFs over in Russia saved the day though! The “toxic fandom” phenomena continues to gain steam as stars are forced to delete social media accounts to avoid harassment. When does critique go too far? In other fandom news, Game of Thrones has wrapped production on its final season, and Andrew still knows nothin’. How well does Pat know Andrew? The NewlyWed game puts these lovebirds to the test! Anyone in the Chicago area need a personal trainer? Hit up Pat: [email protected] And in this week’s installment of After Dark: TruTV is launching a new show - Paid Off - in which the winners get…. their student loans paid off. We play a mock version of this game show with listener Sara. We can’t pay off her student loans, but we can give her a free month of Patreon! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy 4th of July! The US still has over 2,000 children in cages. This week in more ‘America is fucked’ news, justice Anthony Kennedy resigns from the Supreme Court, leaving a second vacancy for Trump to fill. Disney and Universal Studios are banking on millennial nostalgia in their upcoming theme park ventures. We’re sure there will be an avocado toast stand on every corner! A Hillary Clinton Theme Park? We brainstorm ideas. BREAKING NEWS: North Korea never had any intention of denuclearizing. How could we have predicted this would happen?!?! Sarah Huckabee Sanders joins us again to burn some more truth. And in this week’s edition of After Dark: Andrew’s gonna stick it to the (HOA) man! He also comes up with a homeless outreach program idea that makes the girls grimace. WTF News makes its return: running over pedestrians to get out of work, Texans using rattlesnakes as weapons, shitting diamonds, and much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew and Pam kick off the show with a spoiler free review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Speaking of fallen kingdoms, we provide this week’s update on the US border detention situation. Tl;dr: 2,300 children are still separated from their parents, and border patrol will re-vive the Obama-era “catch and release” policy. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and the Hypocrite’s Podium: as progressives, are we really doing ourselves any favors by taking the low road? Canada? More like Cannibisda! Do we think marijuana should be legal? We’ve discovered by 53% of millennials think they’ll be millionaires: they don’t tip for services! SCOTUS actually made a good call: authorities will need a warrant to access cellular tower location data. Recommendations: MoviePass and “Echo” Liquid Lipstick by Kat Von D And in this week’s episode of After Dark: Google that shit: the Supreme Court is…, Millennials are the worst…, and Marijuana helps…. The Confessional raises questions about familial etiquette: 8 extended family members crashing a listener’s small apartment and a parental invasion of privacy, oh my! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back, sycophants. Marc rejoins us this week to tell us what nerds should be excited for after E3. (The answer is ALWAYS Pokémon, duh.) Just in case you missed it… THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES Got it? Jeff Sessions joins us to share some of his favorite fascist-inspired scriptural quotations. According to a new study 53% of millennials expect to become millionaires. This is not the economy you are looking for. We discuss the recent allegations against Chris Hardwick. Are we too fast to crucify based on allegations? Who said it: Donald Trump or another infamous dictator? Visit Millennial Podcast's website to learn more. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Recommendations: booze edition Vacation shaming: why are Americans so afraid to use their paid time off? How can we counter our culture of working ourselves to death for bragging rights? A new After Dark perk, MuggleSuck, makes it debut. On a monthly basis, we’ll share insider stories about our previous “employer.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who did it better? IHOP marketing their “name change” to “IHOB,” or Agent Orange marketing his summit with Little Rocket Man? All this in this week’s #Millennial and much more! We call Kate, a Canadian listener who schools us in provincial politics and explains the election of min-Trump, Doug Ford. President Trump tells our allies to suck a dick and leaves the G7 summit early to snuggle up with a murderous dictator instead. The University of Pennsylvania has released a new study that shows social change can be brought around by convincing just 25% of your social circle to support it. Time to take Laura’s advice and be the annoying person at parties asking if people are registered to vote. Hidden from the Headlines: the EPA laughs in the face of accurate, straight-forward, and historically proven science… again. The Confessional: Relationship Edition. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Surprise Bitch! leaves us sad when THREE PEOPLE don’t answer their phones. You’re telling us you have something better to do than waiting to hear from us?! Listener Julia saves the day and answers her phone. We talk LA and asbestos. In somber news, we discuss the recent tragic deaths of designer Kate Spade and chef Anthony Bourdain. Why is suicide only ever discussed after we lose someone to it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy June, Happy Pride! We welcome Dr. Sarah Steelman to the show to discuss her research on same-gender pairings and degrees of “outness.” Sarah informs us on a number of topics, including queer theory, the Matrix of Intelligibility, and the impacts of heteronormativity, politics, and history on LGB persons. In the news: Apple’s iOS 12 aims to decrease notifications stress, SCOTUS rules in favor of an anti-gay baker, Facebook proves yet again why they suck at data privacy, and a US Senator attempts to tour a detention center where unaccompanied immigrant children are being held. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Dr. Steelman talks about her doctoral experience and provides some sage advice for anyone thinking of pursuing a PhD. Samantha Bee and “the c-word.” We dive into whether or not we were ok with the joke, and if we agreed with Sam’s apology to Ivanka Trump. Mixed opinions abound! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“Bless me #Millennial for I have sinned. It has been 3 days and 12 hours since the last time I threw my garbage on a movie theater floor.” - Andrew Marc (aka Micah?) joins us and gives us his E3 predictions. He and Andrew plan to get E-rect. We force Pam to answer some cringey interview questions used by employers to be hip and cool with the kids. In the news: The Celebrity President is leading up to an exciting season finale: Will they or won’t they: North Korea edition, The great GDPR inbox flood, Instagram has a mute feature, and the US lost 1,475 migrant children. We wish this were all #fakenews. A familiar voice deigns to join us for Surprise Bitch! and we’re all signing DNRs in case we end up hospitalized in LA. And in this week’s episode of After Dark: Google that shit! What to do when you’re “the other woman.” We try to give some honest, frank advice about getting out of an affair. Traditional definitions of virginity do not cover the range of (super super hot and fun) things you can do that qualify as sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to #Millennial! it’s 4x20 maaaaaaaaaaan. We kick off the show with a new segment, #MilleniHelp. With almost a third of the US population not putting away enough for retirement, what are we doing to save? Patrons sound off and share some of their best savings advice. Here we go again: we discuss the 22nd school shooting of 2018 and no one is surprised. Things the GOP will ban before guns: doors, high-rise buildings, schools. The infamous Laurel vs Yanny debate brings science and linguistics to the show (Let’s be real though, the right answer is Laurel). Hidden From The Headlines: Andrew Smith, the lawyer who represented Equifax after its massive data breach last year, has been appointed to run the Federal Trade Commission. This is the office investigating — you guessed it — Equifax. And in this week’s episode of After Dark: WTF News returns! What blows up in a 7-11 microwave before you go for a drug test? Tune in at 9 to find out! A creepy home invasion story has us all re-evaluating our sense of security at home. “I fought the dog and the dog won.” Good boy teaches owner important gun safety lesson. Somehow we end up reviewing the FDA handbook for legally acceptable amounts of insect parts in certain foods? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! I don’t want to see any more pictures of your mom!” – Andrew Please take this survey so we can help create the best Patreon possible! A Chicago bar stole our logo for their Millennial trivia night, so we’re giving away a free month of Patreon to Surprise Bitch! callers who prove their #lit knowledge. Apple hasn’t come out with a GrayKey condom to protect your phone from law enforcement (yet), but a new patch coming in iOS 11.4 will render the lightening port useable only for charging. The end is near(?) The US-North Korea summit will take place on June 12th in Singapore. A historic moment for sure – but will anything come of it? Texas is late (as always) to the gay marriage party, so a teacher has been put on administrative leave after telling students about her future wife. Android is adding new features aimed at decreasing time spent on mobile devices. I can haz feature to decrease student loan debt?’ And this week’s After Dark is a grab bag of topics! Surprise Bitch! catches up with one our our favorite nEHbors to the north. What tactics do we use to power through procrastination? What are the most embarrassing moments we’ve ever had while dating? One of these stories involves a foot getting stuck in a toilet (no, really). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial is back for another packed episode, and Hawaii is turning into Mount Doom! Is Roe vs. Wade in trouble, and is the anti-choice argument really about the sanctity of life? (Spoiler: Nope.) Love at first poke: Facebook is trying to clean up its #fakenews image and starting its own online dating platform. Californians will have to make a tough choice: avocados or solar panels - can’t have both! Kanye is doing the lord’s work by diluting centuries of suffering into a simple “choice.” “I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery. What do I have to do to get a Persian rug with cherub imagery.” Kellyanne Kanye or Trumpster Fire? And in this week’s edition of After Dark: The Life and Lies of Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani joined Trump’s legal team and violated attorney-client privilege all within a 48 hour span. A Storm is coming: Stormy Daniels continues trolling Trump. Is she hurting her credibility? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

North and South Korea: are they or aren’t they? Speaking of couples who deserve each other, T-Mobile and Sprint are creating one network to rule them all (with shitty reception). Michelle Wolf was savage at the White House Correspondents’ dinner, and we. are. here. for. it. Democrats, Republicans, and the media alike were butt hurt to have the first amendment take priority over their evening of self-aggrandizing and schmoozing. Got an annoying friend who can’t shut up about their genealogy results? Take heart, they might be a serial killer! Joy Reid, the very popular and very liberal MSNBC host has come under scrutiny for homophobic blog posts from a decade ago. Does someone deserve forgiveness for a homophobic past when they can’t own up to that past in the first place? We wrap the show with a SPOILER RIDDEN review of Avengers: Infinity War. Turn the show off when we issue the spoiler warning unless you want the part where Tony Stark adopts Peter Parker and Rocket Raccoon ruined! (Oops!) And on this week’s episode of After Dark: WTF News returns. Would you post on social media to get out of a speeding ticket? Where does New York’s poop go? Better yet, can teddy bears be seen on x-rays? Devil’s Advocate: Social media self-shaming to avoid traffic tickets. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Uncle Andrew lets us peek behind the curtain of MuggleCast headquarters. Let's play a LoveGame, a LoveGame: Laura battles to the death to retain her BFF status, and things get heated. America's Dad is going to prison and we try to figure out what makes this case different from the many others like it. The first successful male genital transplant gives Andrew #hope. This email will self-destruct in 10 minutes. Surprise, bitch! welcomes our new favorite Canuk to the show, who graciously explains to us what it's like to have a normal national leader. And in this week's After Dark: Devil's Advocate: the genital transplant edition. A fitting first run for our new beloved co-host Pam. From our Feed: a listener asks for advice, and we divulge. Kellyanne Kanye blew up Twitter with his #MAGA nonsense. We play a game to see if we can tell the difference between his BS and Trump's. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is there even a 1% chance our boyfriends think we have a pee tape? Find out live, just like we do. This message brought to you by grad school: fuckin everyone over, one podcast at a time. We dig into an explosive news week with a discussion -- and a game -- surrounding the latest Trump/Cohen/Stormy drama. We even stuff our mouths with marbles. A new device allows law enforcement to break into our phones and new credit card terms allow us to save some trees. A listener seeks our sage life advice. Time to get fit and be scared. In this week's After Dark: What parts about being an adult weren't we prepared for? This gets real, fast, as we share genuine experiences and fears. But also, [Seinfeld voice] what's the deal with produce?! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura introduces us to her slampiece and Andrew is erect. The Number takes on a decidedly ominous tone. Hawaii puts itself on the short list of states that allow medically assisted suicide. There are worse ways to go. A Chicago suburb bans assault weapons and we... aren't sure WHAT to feel. YouTubers learn that defining "controversial" isn't as easy as looking it up in Webster's. A very special edition of the Newlywed Game takes us up close and personal with Laura & Marc. 4ever. In this week's After Dark: Online communities are weird spaces. We talk about our best, and worst, experiences. What kind of responsibility do creators have to their communities? Is there any responsibility in reverse? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A warm welcome to Zach, who brings a touch of sincerity and thoughtfulness to the episode. Fuel efficiency standards are being rolled back and we fuckin rampage. Uber fucks up bigly as one of its self-driving cars self-drives its dumb ass into a human being. It's tragic and telling. A fascinating new psychology study concludes that a person's attractiveness determines to what extent they think of society as "fair and just." We ugly. Zach is in it to win it with some much-needed insight into the debate on mental health and gun violence. He wants you to check out this website if you're seeking mental help. Broad brushes are for bitches. In this week's After Dark: The Sinclair controversy reaches a boiling point as a poignant video goes viral. We play the clip and dig in. "This is dangerous to our democracy." 2 Truths, 1 Lie: Fake News style. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A Stormy's comin, 'Arry. And you best be ready when she does. The Journal of Sex Research has released a comprehensive list of reasons (and remedies) for dead bedrooms in long-term relationships. We're fascinated. Cambridge Analytica: What. The fuck. "Surviving middle school is supposed to be metaphorical." March For Our Lives breathes new life into the gun control debate. And no. Knowing CPR won't help. Surprise, bitch! welcomes a fellow marcher to the show. And in this week's After Dark: Laura asks us to consider the growing phenomena of partisan disconnect, and how people are increasingly unaware of their own hypocrisies. Purity tests make the "perfect" the enemy of the "good." Democracy is tough, dirty work. Do it anyway. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The new intro is here! RIP Matt, you'll live on in our earbuds. The Stormy Daniels saga is about to be put on steroids by a new interview. From bikes to trains to video games, it's the biggest toy store to ever go out of business! Gee whiz! A big upset in PA has everyone cautiously optimistic. "SIR I THINK I LEFT MY CLAY FACE MASKS IN YOUR CAR!!!" Uber reveals the strangest items ever submitted to their Lost & Found. Surprise, BRANDON. You're not the only one with connections, BRANDON. And in this week's After Dark: China formalizes its plans for a "social credit" system, whereby citizens' social responsibility is judged based on petty behavior like blocking crosswalks. The penalty? Immobility. Calling George Orwell. What's the danger (and if you're Andrew, the benefit) of a government implementing "social credit" scores? We pretend such a system exists here and reveal the things that would have ruined our social credit score. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

RIP Andrew. The show assumes its final form as the girls take over. We vouch for the wholesomeness of a long lost host. "North Korea meeting? What North Korea meeting?" -The White House, probably. Martin Shkreli, the asswipe who raised lifesaving medicine prices for sheer, obscene amounts of profit, is going to prison. Sad. A bunch of SYCOPHANTS submitted listener questions and we assign each other dog breeds. #sophisticated And in a special edition of After Dark: OkStupid: The girls introduce you to their boyfriends, whom they both met online, explaining why they're both so profoundly creepy. Online dating as a man has its pros and cons. Mostly pros. We get our geek on with some gaming talk. Listeners seek relationship advice and we get real with them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hidden from the Headlines: a new and troubling trend of governors refusing to hold special elections when they fear their party might be on the losing end. This is NOT what democracy looks like. Alexa users are reporting that the AI will laugh creepily. On her own. Unprompted. HARD FUCKIN PASS. "Family Foundations": they love family so much, they want every child to start their own! Surprise, bitch! confuses a listener at work, and Associate Producer's Choice has us worrying about the Potter franchise. And in After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons this week: The truth is out there. So are our conspiracy theories. A program to research aliens, and whether they've visited Earth, is a real thing. We reveal our own extraterrestrial experiences. Andrew calls for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A tapestry of photographs flash before the screen. The collage ends on a glowing photo of Matt, smiling, looking serene atop a mountain of clouds. We feel his presence even as the picture fades to white. His voice echoes softly: "How's my butthole look in these?" And then he's gone. The last piece of him, a memory only our sleeping eyes can see. Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about D and D! President Trump proposes we stop school shootings by arming teachers with guns. We can't afford to arm them with paper and crayons, but sure, this is fine. Foreskins finally get the press coverage they're due as religious leaders condemn a new Icelandic law banning circumcision. #MemoGate enters week 453 (estimation) with a redacted rebuttal. Friends forever. And in this week's installment of After Dark: Someone's sphincter is broken and I CAN'T JUST LEARN IT FIXED AGAIN, OKAY Apart from the great circumcision debate, how are parental norms changing? What differences do we see between the way we were raised, and the way our peers are raising kids? Participation trophies aren't all bad, but denying FUCKING SCIENCE is. The convo turns personal as we explain what we'd do differently from our parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Black Panther is a crazy good success story. One might say... almost too successful. It's happening. Slowly, but surely. Mueller's investigation is inching closer to conclusion, starting with the fuckwads who dared to interfere with the oldest constitutional democracy in the world. Another school shooting. Another town devastated. When will we value our children more than our guns? The Parkland shooting survivors aren't waiting for an answer. The great transportation debate: Uber, Lyft, and the cost of crumbling infrastructure. From Our Feed: Folks are up in damned arms over Fergie's rendition of the national anthem, and we... let you decide for yourselves. Sending thoughts and prayers to a listener's overworked liver. And in this week's After Dark: Google That Shit takes a look at the main show's stories and we remember that people are idiots. We call a bunch of listeners for Surprise, Bitch! and get through to some sexy smart motherfuckers. Physicists? We can barely spell that. Voicemails about getting high. Jupiter shows up in someone's oven. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Time for a feel trip. We wish Matt the worst of luck, and hope he falls flat on his face. "LOOK AT ME. I'M THE POACHER NOW." -Lions Omarosa returns to her reality television roots and immediately starts dropping bombs and freaking us the fuck out. We have the best health care in the world, they said. You'll be fine, they said. Health insurance company Aetna gets caught with their pants down. Vote with your wallet. Drink Dunkin'. The Confessional celebrates the freedom to refuse being labeled or boxed into a single identity. We discuss the true meaning of capitalism I MEAN LOVE in a special Valentine's Day segment. In this installment of After Dark. Would you rather have to suck on your boyfriend's dirty, sweaty toes, or lick a friend's clean and pristine vagina? Would You Rather: Valentine's Day Edition gets gross. We learn even more about each others' butts. Andrew tries to corner the girls. The girls have none of it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Eagles win the Superbowl and MLK rolls over in his grave. Memo Schmemo. Who needs the FBI anyway?! Lolz Stop trying to make the Olympics happen. They're not going to happen. The Larry Nassar case gets heated and the #MeToo movement proves itself tragically relevant. Susan B. Anthony's dream is realized with the introduction of Lady Doritos: for the sexy snacker in every woman. Hidden from the Headlines examines how the Environmental Protection Agency is failing to protect the environment. Also you. The BEST PRESIDENT, LIKE, EVERRRRRR gets a Twitter makeover with our Valley Girl series. And in this week's After Dark: If you see my butthole, I should get to see yours. #relationships101. Plans go off the rails as Andrew regales us with tales from his sex life. We try to be normal and answer some listener questions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices