Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners? Bye boi! Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good reason. What do you want to hear on your death bed? "You are loved"? "Heaven is real"? "Donald Trump's in prison"? Are the last two the same thing? The hosts investigate. Uber gets a smackdown from Apple and Andrew starts his own religion. And in After Dark: Hidden From the Headlines: Dow Chemical asks President Thundercunt to ignore a new government study that found Dow's pesticides are fuckin up 1,800 endangered animals. "WHAT WILL DONALD DO?!" wonders nobody. "Dear Diary, I am about to receive terrible advice. But here's go nothing." We respond to a few listeners' requests for sage life wisdom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog. Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nintendo Switch. Jesus may have come back on Easter and all, but can't we agree he's just a one-trick pony at this point? Snapchat is doomed, but Instagram stories are here for all of Andrew's sex taping needs! Infowars' resident sociopath and MAGA baseball cap conossieur Alex Jones must admit he's either a playing the role of a neo-Nazi or a shitty dad. (Spoiler: it's both.) United airlines has decided to give peace a chance by softening their ass beating de-boarding policy to simply deny boarding to paying customers in favor of last minute crew bookings. Surprise Bitch leaves the hosts content now that someone finally answered - welcome to the show, Mallory! Since you picked up we won't shit talk you. And in this week's edition of After Dark: We share our most embarrassing sex stories, from losing our virginity all the way to weird dirty talk. Life pro tip: anal and poop go hand in hand. Our listeners outdo us with their sparkly purple dildos, though. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth. "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them. The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists. "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies. President Trump (hahaha still soul-crushing to write) launches tomahawk missiles in Syria, attacking the airfields President Assad used to launch last week's chemical attack against his own civilians. Someone should've bought baby Trump a game of Risk so he could understand that war is a fucking strategic enterprise not a God damned Atlantic City craps table. Happy Passover, Jewish friends! This holiday, kick back and let White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer school you on Holocaust history. #KnowledgeIs(White)Power Surprise, bitch! continues to be an actual fucking bitch. In this week's After Dark: Laura's quarter-life crisis continues as she details the many policies that are holding first time home-buyers (such as herself) back. Andrew is down to clown with the nearest real estate agent willing to waive closing costs. Life sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself. Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners. Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feedback - tl;dr if you’re flying for free, don’t be a dick or dress like a hobo. In News, we cover a myriad of cheerful tales such as chemical attacks in Syria and the stolen SCOTUS seat and impending filibuster of Neil Gorsuch. Andrew saves us with some tech talk. Student loan debt holders have 99 problems and they’re all Navient/Fedloan. Devil’s advocate forces Laura and Matt to defend Pepsi’s latest advertising gaffe. Nothing says “grab a Pepsi” like racial discrimination and police brutality! Surprise, Bitch! returns. Prepare to be disappointed. And on this week’s edition of After Dark: We have a voicemail number specifically for Patrons! Call and tell us to call barf bag of ice. UN Women and Mexico City Officials have installed “penis seats” on metro cars in an effort to show men what it feels like to get an unwelcome boner rubbed on your ass during your daily commute. Mens’ reactions range from discomforted chuckles to deep offense, which is a bit of an overreaction - the seats are just paying them a compliment. Andrew and Matt argue about why movie theater attendance is up. Laura goes catatonic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck Off, Cupid introduces us to pickup lines so egregiously bad, we question evolution. In this week's After Dark: Uber, Lyft, GrubHub, OKCupid - the rise of smartphone apps has led to a growing conversation about whether these services are responsible for user safety. Yes, even GrubHub has horror stories. Laura reports. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr. Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty and The Beast gets positive reviews, even from folks who didn't care to see it. Will Belle finally address her Stockholm Syndrome? A high school teenager in the Mid-West went viral last week after her school sent her home for exposing her shoulders. The girls get angry. The Number reveals one of us spends too much money on Pokemon incubators. And in this week's Special, Forever-Long Edition of After Dark: We make up for our Spring Break stint with a special appearance by Andrew's little brother, Ryan, who reveals precisely how he found out Andrew was gay... years before he officially came out. Spoiler alert: video footage. #TheresAnAppForThat Okay guys. Let's dive into TrumpCare. What does the GOP's new healthcare bill actually do, and who would it most directly affect? A Confessional has us feeling all kinds of Dr. Phil-y as we dissect the complexities of friendship. Thankfully we can offer completely objective advice given we don't have friends. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship. We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community. Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole country relies on for clean drinking water, but ha ha it's okay it's not like we need that to live. #blessed Do 1st amendment rights apply to robots? They should when they're recording you. Amazon fights to keep Echo users' personal privacy intact from law enforcement. We're off next week for Spring Break, but don't worry, we're sure nothing big will happen between now and then. ​And in this week's After Dark: ​Laura and Andrew discuss the not-State of the Union address. Shit. Is he learning how to sound presidential? Healthcare was a prominent topic, as was this VOICE nonsense. We discuss both matters and praise low co-pays. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To anal, or not to anal? What you've all been waiting for: the answers to what happened in Aruba. Columbia University accepts, then unaccepts, 277 applicants. In related news: 277 teenagers are spared the trauma of attending Columbia. Should food stamps be used to buy candy and soda? The State of Maine asks, #Millennial (kind of?) answers. #ItGetsBetter is more than just a catchy phrase: a new study finds that since gay marriage laws were passed, the teen suicide rate has dropped. Michigan State has 99 problems but a whiteboard ain't one. Where were you when Sweden was attacked by its immigrant population? We can't remember. Neither can Sweden. Listener feedback unravels a deep, serious confession from somebody admitting to being transphobic. We welcome the thoughts and experiences of any trans listeners who would like to respond on the next episode. MAKE THAT DENTIST APPOINTMENT YET ANDREW? And in this week's After Dark: How to Adult 101: Listeners have questions about commuting to work, buying homes, and getting married. Our advice can be summed up as: don't get married, have a funeral instead, coffins < solo cups, and fuck commutes longer than 10 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

1/4 of our panel is celebrating Valentine's Day in Aruba, so the rest of us are here to talk shit on her. We're not jealous or anything. The Grammy's were just asking for #GrammysSoWhite to trend, and they lived down to expectations. Something something 50 shades something Katy Perry. Laura and Andrew both became single in time for Valentine's Day and have an 85% match on OKC. OTP! Listener feedback leaves us feeling like we're still too old for that clubbing shit and that sexuality is weird. Tracking Trump is a our new segment in which we attempt to contain the diatonic new world order to 10 minutes of our show. It still feels like shit, sorry. AP choice asks us to relive our best and worst years, for book recommendations, and our thoughts on Jason Carter using a certain four word expletive on Twitter. Laura and Matt rock our new favorite game - Who said it - Voldemort or Steve Bannon? And on this week's edition of After Dark: Given the extreme weather events we're seeing in Louisiana, Northern California, and the northeastern United States, we want to tell you some sweet cozy stories about times we've nearly died in natural disasters. All you need to know is that there is a weather phenomena called a "microburst" that will make you want to nope off of this planet. Our stories of earthquake and tornado survival pale in comparison to one listener's story of surviving an avalanche. Fuck. That. Shit. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There may be big changes coming for one of us over Valentine's Day. Stay tuned. Listener feedback takes a dump on Andrew and weaves a tale of panties and bushes. We guarantee we're the only podcast that will go from anal to the Constitution. #blessed "Fuck those immigrants, amirite?!" -Native Americans and/or Donald Trump We discuss Betsy DeVos (Note: This episode was recorded before she was confirmed as Education Secretary). One gay, two gay, three gays, four. Five gays, six gays, seven homos more. A new survey reveals Americans greatly overestimate the size of the LGBTQ community. Adam Sandler, or a gay club? Matt gives us the name. We guess (badly). And in this week's After Dark: #NeverForget the Bowling Green Massacre. We each share our stories of where we were on that fateful day. How, and why, does the Trump administration get away with such outrageous lies? What's their strategy here? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Good News, the Boy Scouts are now cool with transgendered youth joining their organization. Hollywood no longer hates Mel Gibson, which is SAD! Will Facebook's latest News Feed changes have a positive effect on curbing fake news? Our $10 Patron offer a few discussion topics, including feeling useless when you're in a Democratic state like California, and long distance relationships. And this week in After Dark: How do you stay sane during these difficult times? We offer a few solutions, including major social media breaks and escaping to other worlds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else. Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight. News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident. Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither. And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing of us all. The perfect penis? Pre-sex hygiene habits? Pegging? This After Dark has it all. Except class. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millennials get shit on from every direction, but we're still expected to live up to past generation's successes. FUCK YOU MOM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both. Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users. U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart. Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere. Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately. The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about. Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim. In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patrons!): What constitutes a "hate crime"? A case out of Chicago, wherein four black teenagers live streamed the torture of a white classmate, has the country asking. New year, new laws: we take a look at the laws going into effect around the country this year, including a tax on sugar and a change in online shopping. Help us, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You're our only hope. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In our last show of the year, we streamed LIVE for Patrons and welcomed back a long-lost host. Happy birthday, Laura. We hope this embarrasses you, Laura. News jumps off with a report from Aleppo, Syria, where thousands of unarmed civilians have been slaughtered. Know what it is now, Gary? Biden/Obama 2020: Because Obama's departure feels too real after his last-ever press conference of the year. Get into the holiday spirit with our annual GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Who the fuck got Andrew that?! Farm girls have great calves. #FYI Goodbye, 2016. What will 2017 hold? We guess the new year's upcoming headlines. In this episode's After Dark: We bring Devil's Advocate back and challenge ourselves to argue: why was 2016 the best year? (Lol) World peace. Or world destruction. Our individual hopes for the new year vary. Andrew relives a tragic New Years Eve story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In our penultimate “fuck this year” episode, all of our hosts return! Except the other chick “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games - we got volcanoes exploding.. right in your face.” The Hamilton Mixtape is now available on Spotify! (Or for purchase if you’re 1000 years old). The Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) has been struck down for now, but what will happen under a Trump Presidency? Amazon Go is here to scan your phone for all those dick pics. “Put the Magnums down, Jonathan, the Lifestyles are right in front of you.” Afraid President Pussy Grabber Elect might lose access to his Twitter? Never fear - technology is being expanded so POTUS can use the cellular emergency alert system to let us know what else he thinks is overrated, sad, or bad. Trump the Distractor: Laura explains why the GOP has warmed to Trump, and why all of his gaffes and faux pas are intended to distract us. Meanwhile, Senator Turtle McTurtleton of the Galapagos is threatening to scrap the filibuster if Democrats try to obstruct GOP SCOTUS nominations. Texas is now legally allowed to force aborted fetus burials. Foreign diplomats are staying at Trump hotels in droves because that’s not a conflict of interest. Andrew does another check in on the savings habits of millennials and we still don’t have any. Are you gonna eat that ramen? Surprise, Bitch! brings us to the UK, where Phoebe commiserates with three yanks about the bucket of suck that is watching an alt-reich takeover. Dictionary.com chooses an actual word for this year’s “Word of the Year,” and it’s more evidence that the US needs to take some time to be alone and try to find itself. And this week’s After Dark is available to all $2 Patrons, so don’t miss out on our discussion of Uncle Joe’s remarks about running for President in 2020! Would Joe Biden have won against Trump this year? We invent a series of mostly stupid, somewhat fucked up campaign slogans for Joe. Asking the important questions: Can he beat Kanye? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Andrew and Matt show on this week's #Millennial, so we're doing things a little differently! Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday: We recap these four… uh… holidays. Updates: The New York Times has seen some major growth since the Election, while fake news continues to spin out of control. We share our thoughts on Disney's latest musical, Moana. Did they try to create another Let It Go 'moment'? Andrew thinks so. NASA wants help in making it easier for astronauts to poop. Listeners write in with their questions regarding fandom, heartbreak, Los Angeles, good habits, and holiday traditions. Surprise Bitch: Redemption Edition. One person answers, another doesn't (but we end up speaking to the latter in After Dark!). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Buckle up, minions: we’re so deep in the Dumpster Fire the theme music is no longer audible. What are we thankful for? Nothing (except Bruce Springsteen). Trump was shocked to learn that the leader of the free world tends to live in the nation’s capitol. Alexander Hamilton has a thing about picking fights with Vice Presidents, which is a convenient distraction for the $25 million Trump University settlement. But for real, We talk Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (hint: the West Wing circa 2017) BEWARE: Here there be spoilers! Listener Earnie piques Andrew’s interest in being a cross-contintenal road whore. And on this week’s installment of After Dark: "Hello darkness my old friend,” said the Walmart employee as he ventured into the dimly lit megamart at 3 am for a long day of scanning barcodes and questioning the life choices that led him to this point. Who the fuck goes Black Friday shopping anyway? (hint: Andrew) Can millennials and our lack of disposable income save future generations of retail workers from this most heinous of shopping holidays? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out. Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry. We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels. Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you! New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets. Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!). Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward. And in this week’s After Dark: Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said. “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths daily.” We report - you share to your racist cousin’s wall like a fucking idiot. Is this really happening? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're sad y'all. What does this mean for the future of the country? We offer our early reactions and how to cope with such a devastating vote. In the next episode we'll discuss the GOOD parts of hanging out together! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Halloween was an identity crisis for one of us, who faced the toughest Harry Potter quiz of her life. We've got 99 problems and Anthony Weiner is literally all of them. Dumpster Fire: The Penultimate Edition questions how one man's dick can exert so much power. Who will take Florida? How many beers will Andrew drink? Will Laura drunkenly hit on strangers at the bar? These and more important election night predictions. Goodbye, Clusterfuck 2016. We hardly knew ye. Standing Rock Sioux protests against an oil pipeline that would run through their sacred land are finally getting more attention. If you want to help: Call North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple at 701-328-2200. Tell him to stand with Standing Rock. Sign the White House petition here. Donate to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe to help fund their protest efforts. Perhaps most importantly, call the Army Corps of Engineers and demand that they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903 And in this week's After Dark: We discuss our upcoming election trip; Andrew and Laura confess they're nervous. Are we even prepared for the possibility for a Trump win? No. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial reporting live from the end of the Republic, with only two more weeks left before the next - and depending on how it goes, maybe the last - presidential election. -Is Wonder Woman an empowering role model for girls worldwide, or just over-sexualized spank bank material for boys? The UN deliberates. Tonight at 9. -AT&T announces it's buying Time Warner for a monumental $85.4 billion. Harry Potter asks if this means he'll get free roaming. -A new installment of Trumpster Fire 2016 comes with a PSA about polling booth selfies, brought to you by: Justin Timberlake - bringing felonies back since 2004. -The Number asks us to guess which state has the highest per capita number of sex toys, and spoiler alert, it's NOT GEORGIA. NICE SLACKING THERE LAURA. -Surprise, bitch! is a massive failure, much like this show. In this week's After Dark: -Halloween is almost here, and we kick it off with another creep ass story from our resident ghost hunter. -Close the portal. -Where should costumes draw the line between fantasy fictional characters, and cultural appropriation? No one knows for sure, but avoiding skin makeup is probably a good fuckin start. -How should we each dress up, and why don't boys' costumes show off their ass cheeks? SEEMS LIKE A DOUBLE STANDARD. Thanks Obama. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the show, Pam! Note: This episode was recorded BEFORE the debate. This week's After Dark will have our thoughts on the third and final brawl! Shit is real now in the fight against ISIS. We discuss the Battle for Mosul. Andrew tries to share some health tips for those in their 20s, but Matt apparently knows them all. The Montreal Protocol just got a lot tougher and COOLER. Canada decides to "Tell America It's Great," and we decide to return the favor. Warning: NSFW ;) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Haiti's death toll from Hurricane Matthew has soared past 900 -- and thousands more are suffering from the rapid spread of cholera. Donate whatever you can spare to Unicef's Haiti mission or Hope for Haiti. "BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP SHOCKS WORLD, REVEALS RAMPANT SEXISM" said no one who's watched him speak longer than 10 seconds before today. TapeGate does reveal one new thing, however: Donald Trump isn't just a minsogynst. He's also a sexual assaulter. And he brags about it. These. Aren't. Just. WORDS. The second presidential debate: where no one won, because we all lost. Pol Pot. Kim Jung Un. Donald Trump. Which of these is not like the other? (Trick question.) Hidden from the Headlines warns against fear mongering with a new, surprising revelation: the world is actually doing okay. (Mostly.) Surprise, bitch! Have you ever heard of Harry Potter? And in this week's After Dark: Pence/Trump: the new GOP dream, why everyone is advocating for it, and why it won't happen. "Yer a wizard, Thomas." We sort the Founding Fathers - and the presidential candidates - into Hogwarts Houses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew met Bruce Springsteen and died from exposure. RIP. But he'll be resurrected in time for election night - where we'll all be hanging out in D.C. to watch the results roll in. Think you might want to join? Let us know here. BREAKING NEWS: Using loopholes to avoid paying millions in taxes unironically lauded by campaign whose slogan is "law and order." "How to Win at Debating by Being a Keebler Elf," a novel, by Tim Kaine. Hidden from the Headlines brings us the story of the poor, downtrodden plastic industry, yearning for freedom from France's tyrannical environmental laws. #NotTheOnion Fuck Off, Cupid - and an associated tirade against people who can't handle rejection. And in this week's After Dark: Laura's been vlogging live from her car - what are some of our biggest pet peeves re: rules of the road and terrible drivers? AP Choice investigates. AP Choice also asks us about marriage. Where do we stand on it? Will any of us attain it? Why do listeners email us asking why we aren't already? More at 10. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Americans: You're running out of time to register to vote. Get on that NOW if you haven't already! Shout out to our friend Sarah at the HP-Alliance - their most recent campaign is called Wizard Rock the Vote, and its endeavor is to register new voters and empower people to get out the vote in their own communities. Hit the link above to participate, and enter for a chance to win a Harry Potter book signed by J.K. Rowling! Laura wants us to get our flu shots, while Andrew wants to know what we'd save in a fire. Surprise, Bitch: It's Laura's son! He's drunk, alone, and watching Narcos. Laura wants to give him a lesson in 'playing with his phone' ;) ;) ;) This week, in After Dark… Laura's phone is wet. We discuss business horror stories. Who's screwed us over, and what are we doing about it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The FBI director says it's a good idea to cover up your camera. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING is back. And Laura confesses to being a white girl. In Dumpster Fire 2016, we discuss a Bush's vote for Hillary, Trump using charity money to settle legal problems, and the damn birther movement. What do we expect to happen in next week's first Presidential Debate? Surprise, Bitch! It's your lucky day! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some MVP listeners ask Andrew why he thinks "a hole is a hole." Andrew digs his grave deeper. HAPPY 9/11 MATT!!! The birthday boy reminds us two national tragedies were born that day. Dumpster Fire 2016: Deplorable Lives Matter. Overheatin' Hillary. Real time election results. The end of our Republic. We welcome Trump spokeswoman MaryAnne Katherine Kelly Sue to the show. An American oil company is asking Native American tribes in North Dakota to trust them, seriously, everything will be fine, when has the U.S. ever steered you wrong? "North Korea is best Korea," civilians said sarcastically. Now they're in internment camps and we're hiding under our desks. It's getting hot in herre. So pay the IRS before they burn the rest of your house down. And in this week's After Dark: One of the hosts spends 10 consecutive minutes talking about their ass. #ButtPlugGate is revealed. #Millennial PSA: Vomit is not an aphrodisiac. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew isn't here, so we answer all your burning questions about him. Warner Bros' legendary failure of the week has us asking: if company slogans were 100% honest, what would they be? This week in science: antibacterials don't work, and neither do your genes. Why the FDA ruled against antibacterials and why you're probably fat. Tonight at 9. Lions and tigers and zika, oh my! And bees and butterflies and pollinators across 48 contiguous states dying from a new zika-targeted pesticide. Oh... shit. Don't set cars on fire. Use your feces instead. And in this week's installment of Dumpster Fire 2016: technology continues to be Hillary Clinton's greatest nemesis, but taco trucks may be her savior. In this week's After Dark: As aging Millennials, we're starting to get asked a lot about having kids. Why. How do we want to raise our kids? Why is Laura's daughter named Pedro? An impromptu round of Google that Shit reveals a lot of Americans are losing their children. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bienvenido a Jacob, nuestro último ganador del Boleto de Oro! We bring a little culture to the show with a story from Mexico. But we don't steep in our newfound intellectualism for long. Mayo or man juice? Trick question: both. Surprise, bitch! takes us on the road with a traveling listener. Google that Shiiiiiiiit: Sponsored by the End of Human Intellect. Colin Kaepernick: the new face of terrorism in America. Donald Trump visits Mexico (we're sorry), Twitter has given up all fucks, and there's a clown stalking children in the woods. Abandon Earth. And in this week's After Dark: Laura apologizes for making the AD theme song so much better than the main show's. We do not accept. WHAT IS GOING ON ANTHONY WEINER. Y U DO DIS. No seriously. What the fuck. Slate argues in favor of "ghosting" at parties, and we find out Millennials are destroying the soap industry. No one likes scraping pubes off a bar of Irish Spring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Britney, bitch. Burning to ashes in this week's Dumpster Fire: the GOP-black community relationship. Then again, what do they have to lose? Clinton's hashtag!emails are back in the news cycle with more expected to be leaked just in time for election day. Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle's continued courting of the Satan vote, and an Obamacare problem without a clear solution in sight. But wait, there's more! If you order your news right now, you'll get a free: 1) Ryan Lochte scandal - brought to you by Speedo 2) Gawker debate - brought to you by questionable journalistic standards 3) Justice Department memo - sponsored by the tears of private prison executives 4) And more! Surprise, biiiiiiiitch. And in this installment of After Dark: "Let's play a game." -Jigsaw/Matt Who said it? Trump, or Mussolini? Trick question: Kanye West. We call listeners and see if they can tell the difference. "Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in America will see that some day." Too real, bro. #Mussolini Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Golden ticket winner Claire toughs out a packed show about Trump's downward spiral. But first: Bucket Lists: what's on ours, and why do they all entail the same thing. Trumpster Fire 2016: further and further down the rabbit hole we go. The Donald doubles down on his "Obama is the founder of ISIS" remarks, then claims sarcasm, then says he wasn't being sarcastic. Some people are saying he's become psychologically unhinged. We're not saying that, but some people are. An ideological screening test for immigrants - coming to an authoritarian regime near you! Hidden from the Headlines asks why the recent shooting in Milwaukee has fallen of the media's radar so fast. The Number. Sponsored by generational poverty. And this week's After Dark is ratchet AF: Fuck Off, Cupid! features our latest gems from the online dating world. We read another part of Andrew's now-famous Scorpius/Albus Severus fan fiction... some of us in front of our parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Golden ticket winner #2 hails from Australia and brings her pet wallaby onto the show! Not really, but you fucking believed it for a second. Team USA is dominating the Olympics right now, so when the GOP completes our country's transformation into a fascist hellscape, maybe Brazil will take us. A new report says Millennials are having less sex than any other generation of the past 60 years. In related news, a newer report says #Millennials have offered up their services for the greater good. What's a podcast without a little emotional whiplash? AP Choice takes us from fun to tragic in 5 seconds flat. Dumpster Fire 2016 has some bad news for the country's resident demagogue, but also WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is this about assassination rhetoric? How can we become complacent to this? No kidding guys, normalizing implications of violence is how despots begin removing their political foes from power. Jenna takes us down under and quizzes us on everything Australia. We know enough to know we'll never visit without a suitcase full of anti-venom. And in this week's After Dark: "Many people are saying..." is how Trump has been getting away with outlandish statements. So we cultivate a few of our own, and Andrew asks us to defend them. Two Truths, One Lie: Aussie Edition. We learn that Aussies wear thongs all year round. Even the men. Sisqo would be proud. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​This week's episode welcomes guest host Zach to the program, because Zach was unlucky enough to win a Golden Ticket from our t-shirt sales. Sorry Zach. Andrew realizes the fate of his sister's marriage is in his hands. Surprise, Bitch! takes us to Portugal, a country wisely deciding to avoid Trump over-saturation. But we're not. Dumpster Fire 2016 covers the final convention controversies and looks ahead to the campaigns' general election strategies. With primary season over, will Trump change course? Will we see a more presidential candidate? Do pigs fly? YOU get an anxiety disorder! YOU get clinical depression! WE ALL. GET. A PROBLEM!!! Mental health issues are surprisingly common and shouldn't be taboo or embarrassing. Zach leads the conversation with beautiful candor and a killer accent. Which organization's donation average is $69? Find out why it's not fucking us on "The Number." And in this week's rousing installment of After Dark: With the Cursed Child play officially in bookstores, Andrew introduces us to the new world of Albus Severus/Scorpius fan fiction. No foreplay. He just makes us dive right in. You might say he inserted it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​This week's episode of #Millennial will just be Michelle Obama's DNC speech on an eternal loop. Thank you and goodnight. Harry Potter and the Cursed Fan Fiction comes out this weekend - only one of us defends its honor.​ Dumpster Fire 2016 takes aim at the DNC: Tim Kaine is a bowl of warm grains, but he's cute, so fuck it. In more important news: San Diego Comic Con revealed some cool new info and the first superhero trailer worth a damn. Hidden from the Headlines gets real about climate change destroying the oceans and how we should all enjoy our sushi while we can. Surprise, bitch! Goodbye, bitch! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode brought to you by Monday Afternoon: a great time to record if you want to make your convention coverage as dated as possible. ​The night is always darkest before the dawn, and this week, "the dawn" is Roger Ailes ​getting thrown out of Fox News. AP Choice and listener feedback asks us about dealing with ignorant family members, the new gay Bachelor, and more. ​A failed military coup in Turkey initiates a massive despotic crackdown by President Erdogan, and we bring on a Turkish native to give us his POV. How much is your butthole worth? Andrew's boyfriend is ready to pimp out our favorite host on a new escort service disguised as dating app. Devil's Advocate asks whether the RNC should walk the walk by allowing open carry at this week's convention. Speaking of the convention: our new election coverage segment, Dumpster Fire 2016, discusses Trump's VP announcement and puts in a call to Mike Pence's press secretary. ​ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Bitch we're back. By popular demand. Brave new world: a lot has changed in two short weeks and we're still working to process it. Dumpster Fire 2016 is upon us, and #Millennial has some live Google hangouts planned for the upcoming conventions. All bones matter. But when you need a doctor, it's because one of them is fucking broken and requires additional attention. How difficult of a concept is this? We discuss the horrific murder of several black men, as well as the tragic murders of five cops in downtown Dallas, welcoming people of color to the show to speak on the matter. Goodbye, job. Goodbye, friends. Today we pledge our lives and livelihoods to Pokemon Go, God of Smartphone Apps. George Takei has a problem with new!Sulu being gay, which is weird, because George Takei is kind of gay himself. Do you even #pride bro? And this week's After Dark might be our funniest installment yet. Douchecanoes of the Internet, starring: Mischa Barton being tone deaf as fuck; A former podcaster endorsing violence; And creepy ass fundamentalist Christian Jennifer Mayers spying on her kids' vaginas. Culminating with a phone call to said psycho, wherein we interview Mayers about ham sandwiches and the antichrist. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's our last show before a two week summer break, so eat it up sycophants. Andrew is, officially, an Uber driver. Welcome to the jungle. The Department of Justice is editing the Orlando shooter's 911 transcripts -- is this what everyone means by "PC culture"? "Here's a novel idea," they said. "Let's do nothing," they said. The Senate votes down all four gun control bills. A new era of Trump? Campaign manager Corey Lewandowski gets fired and The Donald embarks on a scapegoat tour of the U.S. Britain, you already lost the American colonies. Don't also lose your marbles. We explain "Brexit" and why it's the worst idea since Yorktown. Welcome, redcoat! Laura from Englandtown joins us for a jolly good spot of tea. Fuck Off, Cupid features new dramatic readings and grave concern over OKCupid's matching methods. And in this week's After Dark: You have been granted the opportunity to send a birthday gift to your 16-year-old self. What would you give them? We answer for ourselves, and for each other. Someone needs the gift of adult supervision. Associate Producers' Choice asks us about wrestling and we meander down a twisted road toward gay stuff. We're also asked about celebrities running for office and offer up one of our own. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A major tragedy in the United States calls for a special episode of #Millennial. We discuss the horrific Orlando shooting in-depth. The facts as we know them so far. What issues were at play? And what aspects are standing out this time? Connections to politics: The GOP blocked a bill in December that could’ve prevented this from occurring. We listen to a town hall from a couple of weeks ago in which Obama predicted that something like this would happen. Eerie. Given the gravity of the situation, we speak to a few of our LGBTQ listeners to get their feelings on what happened, and how they’ve responded to the tragedy. Thank you to Mark, Sarah, Jerry, Haley, and Nancy for speaking with us. We turn back to Obama to give us a laugh as he slow jams the news on Jimmy Fallon. - Andrew was in London last week for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, so we discuss the J.K. Rowling’s eighth story. Warning: MAJOR spoilers during this part of the show. Don’t listen to this part of the show if you don’t want to be spoiled! We offer a spoiler warning before we get into the juicy details. This week in After Dark we play a spin on “The Number” and discuss whether or not authors should let go of staying in their fictional worlds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Andrew survives his flight across the Atlantic, eliminating any hopes we had of being on CNN. ​Primary season sings its swan song as California and five other states go to the ballot box. If I call Laura an ill-begotten slag, is that hate speech, or historical fact? Facebook, Twitter, Microsoft and others implement a new content policy in Europe and we straddle the fence between "okay sure" and "okay... no." BREAKING: Great swimmers everywhere exonerated of moral responsibility. Talented writers now free to commit acts of treason. In related news, the Stanford rape case is serving as a grotesque but important flashpoint for rape culture. FBI Director James Comey asks Congress for help spying on American citizens' internet history without a warrant. That's not how this "legal system" thing works, Director Despot. If your senator sits on either the Senate Judiciary Committee or Senate Intelligence Committee, call or email them -- tell them your porn preferences are yours and yours alone. Devil's Advocate puts Laura in a super awkward position. And in this week's After Dark: We plan our election season coverage, including a new segment idea and the possibility of a live in-person show in Washington, D.C. We pack a Trump survival kit and decide we're giving it away to a listener. Surprise, bitch! I mean Secretary Clinton. Sorry. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Trash ass alcohol. Melancholy music. Gays. Welcome, summer. ​Two new confessions ask for our advice about coming out of the closet and online dating, and we handle the quandaries with the grace of a lemming. This week in uplifting news: Johnny Depp turns out to be an asshole and the Catholic Church turns out to still have some assholes. No NSA? No problem. For a couple million dollars, you too can spy on your citizens! New York City is officially recognizing 31 different genders and it means… well, nothing for us. But potential acceptance for others. A new segment examines a day in the life of social media and rewrites these platforms' Terms of Service. Our Surprise, Bitch! guest realizes she's super qualified for a 19-year-old. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Celebrate Andrew's birthday with us and a Dunkin Donuts near you. Golden Ticket winners won't get a lifetime supply of chocolate, but they will get a lifetime supply of embarrassment. News summons the spirit of Alex Trebek in a Jeopardy-style rundown of whatever the fuck is even going on anymore. One country fires half its police force for corruption, while another country just straight up catches on fire. Guess why. "How do you fight a franchise that owns a day of the week?" -Will Smith/Aristotle, probably. The only tale older than time is that of Andrew and Matt being categorically wrong about cinema. Sorry we don't want to watch Hermione Granger sing to a set of teaspoons for 2 hours. Fuck Off, Cupid returns with three new dramatic readings and a ton of questions about why, merciful Lord, tell us why. AP Choices wrap the show and we all leave pissed at each other over a Disney debate. In this week's After Dark: Fuck Off, Cupid gets extended into a game. We all answer the matchmaking questions from OKCupid and wager a bet. Andrew reads us his profile. Laura messages an idiot. Old Beauty and the Beast wounds are healed. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If a host turns her hair green, but no one sees it, does it still make a sound? A new oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is trashing shit up -- and no one even knew it was happening until a random helicopter pilot was like, oh look, a rotting ecosystem. Flying is officially not the safest way to travel, because even if the plane makes it, the stress of it all will fucking end your life. President Obama went Super Saiyan on labor law this week, mandating that salaried employees making less than $47k be eligible for overtime pay. "No bueno." -Retailers Everywhere France's lower parliamentary house gets real on work-life balance laws, but we aren't quite buying their communist agenda. Congratulations to Thomas Manning of Halifax, Massachusetts on his new penis. Reports are mixed as to whether it will be detachable. Matt investigates. Tonight at 9. A round of No Context and Surprise, Bitch! introduces us to Erin, dear Erin, who deserves a Medal of Honor for her valor in the face of so much dick. And in this week's After Dark: Listeners stick it to us with a horde of both thought provoking and Rated-R questions in an Ask Me Anything-style segment. "Where's the strangest place you've had sex?" asked the listener who now has an answer she really didn't need in her life. "What's the sickest you've ever been?" asked someone else who also, now, regrets their choices. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Performers who don't show up on time SUCK. Obama hates how the media is covering Trump, but loves bison. The Political Minute: Goodbye Kasich, hello President Trump. Goodbye endorsements from past Presidents, hello Nickelback. Facebook has supposedly avoided putting conservative topics in its Trends section. Is this a problem? And why do government officials care? California has raised the age at which you are allowed to purchase cigarettes. Will this help stop the kids from starting to smoke? The Number: You spend 50 minutes a day doing THIS. Our Surprise Bitch victim will be starring in the new Finding Nemo sequel next month. Our AP Choice is about protests: Are they worth attending? Laura shares her experiences attending protests. And this week, in After Dark… Pizza, pizza, PIZZA! In this unique installment of After Dark, we spend nearly 25 minutes talking about everything pizza. What are our earliest memories of pizza? What could we do with pizza in the bedroom? At the end of After Dark we prank call the Papa Johns feedback hotline and complain about a particularly nasty pie we received. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Podcast Where It Happens celebrates Hamilton's slew of Tony nominations! Too bad we'll never see it live. Andrew plugs the new Hypable, but if you're like Micah you won't be visiting it. We offer a few dramatic readings from Fuck Off, Cupid, and discuss what the hell it means when someone describes themselves as a Nice Guy. The news portion of the show is politics-heavy, and as we record we learn that Ted Cruz has dropped out of the race. Trump is now the presumptive nominee. God help us. (Note: This episode was recorded before John Kasich dropped out on Wednesday.) Should Bernie step out of the way now that the Republican side of the Presidential election has been decided? To lighten the mood we play some highlights from Obama's White House Correspondents' Dinner speech. Damn, can this guy get a job as a stand up comedian after his term ends? The trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie is one of the most disliked videos in YouTube history. Gee, I wonder why? We play "The Number" and "Game of Moans" -- the latter is a fun new game from Matt! And this week, in After Dark... It's Teacher Appreciation Week! Each of us discusses one (or a few) of the teachers who've impacted our lives. Spoiler alert! We go in-depth on Game of Thrones, the Jon Snow twist, and what we hope to see in the future. Game of Thrones newb Andrew raves about The Wall. According to Laura, raves happen there. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop doing things, people. We can't keep up with all this shit. Harriet Tubman was a baller way before she was a $20. "Can you move to the right a bit, I need a clear shot of this for my blog." -Andrew, having a threesome with his new Uber passengers. Beyonce will be on the $10 someday if she keeps this up. Lemonade resonated even with those of us who aren't part of the Beyhive. Hidden from the Headlines reveals that, sometimes, the disadvantaged are targeted by the powerful specifically because they're disadvantaged. And round and round we go. And in this week's After Dark: Depressing but hopeful stories abound as we tackle the issue of quarter-life crises. Quarter-life crises are historically known to result in launching podcasts. Why has depression skyrocketed for 20-somethings? Why are our listeners so much stronger than we are? What is Matt even trying to say here? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew returns from last week's stint in prison to find his world has collapsed. "I've got transparent pandering in my bag. Swag." -Hillary Clinton News kicks off with a brand new study that reveals either we're all morons, or the study's authors are. New legislation in Congress would permit 9/11 victims' families to sue Saudi Arabia for their role in funding the terrorist attacks. In related news, submissions now open for our #sueme photoshop challenge. Bruce Springsteen and other A-List artists take North Carolina to school, protesting the new anti-LGBTQ law through the power of song and dance. Or lack thereof. Inky the octopus chooses liberty over safety in this year's new Pixar flick, "Get Me the Fuck Out of Here." Rated G. A new segment called "The Number" tests our knowledge of the Millennial generation and unearths precisely how below fucking average the four of us are. Surprise, bitch! introduces us to Megan, the perfectly kind music teacher from Pennsylvania who absolutely did not deserve to be harassed by Matt for 10 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fuck Off, Cupid: introducing a new segment for singles, by singles. Best and worst experiences, lessons learned, and real online dating interactions -- submitted by you, dramatically read by us. Visit fuckoffcupid.com to get in on the action. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? It's somewhere in Afghanistan. Let's play No Context, they said. It'll be fun, they said. And in this week's After Dark: We expand on our online dating discussion and dive into just… regular dating. It isn't much better. Why is dating even important, developmentally? Have we learned things from it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew talks about visiting the Grand Canyon and throws this show off the rails 3 minutes in. Hidden from the Headlines gets our heads out of the U.S.'s ass and into a complicated international conflict. Look at us being all worldly and shit. "To sex, or not to sex?" -Hamlet or something, and also this one listener who wrote in. What if elected officials had to wear jackets with the logos of their top ten donors sewn all over it? Well, lube up, California. This could hurt. The regularly scheduled shitshow that is Washington, D.C. would lose its charm without another scandal, and luckily, Laura brings us the details. Sorry not sorry, Ted. Ruth Bader Ginsberg: great Justice, or the greatest Justice? Trick question. Both. A rousing game of Two Truths One Lie reveals SOME OF US ARE MONSTERS and others piss on snakes. This is a sophisticated show, okay. Wait, But Why? commands you to cut your hearts out, literally, if at all possible. Less than 1/3 of Americans are registered organ donors in the event of death, and let's be clear, people need your kidneys a lot more than the dirt does. And in this week's After Dark: The Panama Papers -- what the actual fuck, though. What are they and why do they matter? What's the difference between a leak of this nature, and a leak akin to the D.C. Madam story? The ethics of data leaks and whistleblowing. Are we holding politicians to a higher standard, or ourselves to a lower one? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices