Millennial: Pretend Adulting, Real Talk

As the season finale gets closer and closer, we get a little nostalgic and invite ex-host Micah to join us for a very Trump-filled episode. The holiday season is about gift-giving (and nothing else) but sometimes it's a little stressful to find the perfect item for a loved one. So, the hosts have a few suggestions to help you out this festive season. We take a moment in the show to discuss the horrible mass shooting that happened in San Bernardino, California. The four of us are just so fed up with having to hear our politicians give their “thoughts and prayers” instead of getting off their asses and doing something! Andrew pledges that gun control is going to be his main focus in 2016 and isn’t afraid to be a dick about it! Jimmy Carter is cancer-free! Now, the 91-year-old former president has his whole life ahead of him. STD! Yeah, you know me! There’s this sexy new STD that’ll surely make the ladies bleed and gents cry (down there). Beijing has gone full “red alert” on their ongoing smog problem. Laura, tries to give us details on the matter but her usage of metric terms just confuses the boys. It is an Associate Producer’s Choice EXTRAVAGANZA! This week we are asked for advice on the responsibility of moving to a new city with or without the promise of a job. Plus, our favorite moments of 2015! And this week, on After Dark: In our second 'Favorite of 2015' segment, we share our favorite uplifting news moments of the year. Laura makes a huge confession that she's never told any of us before. Andrew is in shock and has several follow up questions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are we still doing this? Yes? Okay. This week's episode kicks off with a Secret Santa announcement that's going to have all four of us at the top of this year's Naughty List. Quickfire News takes us through the week's most gripping headlines 2 minutes at a time, wherein we try to wrap our heads around the cowardly Planned Parenthood shooting, Jeb Bush's dwindling credibility, and why ISIS fucks with ducks. #SueMe Andrew picks songs of dying animals screeching in foreign languages for our "No Context" game. Because biodiversity and clean air are about to become unicorns, we explain the climate change conference happening in Paris right now, and why, please God, it needs to include binding commitments. "The dress is white," they said. "Trust us," they said. In this week's Surprise, Bitch! we meet a listener in Chicago. Don't climb into Andrew's bed. Or let his dog lick your face. This show concludes with our favorite listener Confessionals, which seem to mirror our own secrets eerily well. And in this week's installment of After Dark: A woman has her ribs removed-- on purpose-- and West Point bans pillow fights. All in a week's worth of WTF News. Laura tests a new game called "Expert Opinion," wherein Andrew is forced to describe the flesh light manufacturing process and Matt has to write a show for Netflix. Shitty kitty and wanky spanky! This new gamey shwamey exposes how the world would communicate if it were run by Dr. Seuss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s a holiday week here in the United States, so the hosts are thinking less about ISIS and more about FUN in the 42nd edition of #Millennial. Congratulations to our raffle winners who’ve won a free month of Patreon for supporting us on iTunes! With Thanksgiving on the horizon we share family dinner horror stories from our listeners. We pray none of you have similar experiences this Thanksgiving. Black Friday is also upon us: Are any of us participating in the festivities? A bit of entertainment news: HBO is messing with us concerning the Jon Snow debate, and Mockingjay, Part 2 opened at the box office to a series low. Games games games! In “Who Said It?” Laura asks us to guess which legendary figureheads said weird-ass things. We play another round of Host Confessionals, in which the four of us unveil new secrets from our past (or present). Note to self: Don’t give (spoiler) any dolls this Christmas. We address a few fun questions from our listeners, including one in which we figure out which Harry Potter character each of our hosts are most similar to. Music Recommendations: Each of us gives you a great song to listen to while traveling for the holiday! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To our French listeners and friends: we know you've heard so many condolences over the past week, so we hope ours don't sound rote or insincere. We hope you believe us when we tell you that our hearts bleed for you. We were nauseated by the unconscionable attacks orchestrated by those psychofuck pigs. But if there's one thing our shared history has taught us, it's that France is built of stronger stuff than anything-- anyone-- that has ever attacked it. You were the United States' first ally, before there even was a United States. We will always be yours. Vive la France. In this week's episode of #Millennial: We take some time to deconstruct the heinous terrorist attacks in Paris last Friday. The four of us were in constant communication while the tragedy unfolded, and we share our thoughts from that night and our hopes for the coming weeks. Somewhat despicably, 28 United States governors (and counting) are now refusing to accept Syrian refugees within their states' borders, citing the fact that one of the terrorists allegedly disguised himself as one. We're all embarrassed. In an effort to lighten the mood for those who need it most, we move on with the rest of the show, disseminating some exciting and bizarre entertainment news. Speaking of Katniss: someone give that girl a(n equal) paycheck. Jennifer Lawrence recently wrote about gender inequality in Hollywood, and while no one can relate to haggling over millions of dollars, most women can relate to her message. YOU get a civil rights violation! SHE gets a civil rights violation! EVERY.ONE.GETS. A CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATION. Hidden from the Headlines reveals attorney-client privilege may be a thing of the past. Associate Producer's Choice asks us about our gaming experiences: favorite consoles, favorite games, childhood nostalgia, and why Call of Duty is (sorry not sorry) overrated. And in this installment of After Dark: We wrap up our earlier conversation about Paris, addressing in particular the calls to support the victims of terrorism in Beirut as well. Fair point, but we have some conditions. Nick asks us how we keep our faith in humanity through these crises. And finally, Oxford English Dictionary's Word of the Year? Emoji. -_- Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial turns 40 (weeks) in this mid-life crisis of an episode. Shooting the Shit opens the show with a new raffle opportunity for anyone who wants to leave an iTunes review and win a month of free Patreon. (After you've reviewed, enter here: https://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/c46bdea41/ ) The birds and the bees are important, and not just because they serve as convenient euphemisms for sex. They also pollinate our food, which is kind of, somewhat important. But the USDA is allegedly punishing their top scientist for publishing a report on how insecticides are killing them all off. Metrojet 9268 was a confirmed case of ISIS terrorism, and CNN is a confirmed case of journalistic failure. Their fear-mongering worked on at least one of us. SeaWorld announces a change to their usual Orca whale routine, but don't worry, they aren't changing the fact they're assholes. The U.S. comprises just 5% of the world's population, but 25% of the world's prisoners. But last week, the Justice Department released 6,000 of them in an effort to acknowledge that nonviolent drug offenders shouldn't be locked away for life. Hear us all struggle to connect Justin Bieber to prison reform! It's obvious, right? Bieber should be in prison? No Context comes back with a vengeance. What's this? The Confessional is back too?! It's been a while, but we bring back the segment to advise someone not to feel shame for what happened to them as a child. Surprise, Bitch! lands us a really cool listener single-handedly battling Donald Trump in Idaho. We make her play No Context, and she nails it. And in this week's After Dark: We devote the whole installment to discussing various Associate Producer's Choices-- topics submitted by our $10 supporters. Thanks babes. Questions include: What are our long-term plans for the show? (Spoiler: dating service.) What's our take on the whole Starbucks cup controversy? What's our favorite thing to complain about each holiday season? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s an Andrew-less episode this week. Buckle up, this is gonna be a rough ride. Our friend John Thrasher joins us - check out his podcast, Currently! And in this week’s After Dark: A viral video of a school resource officer beating a teenage girl apparently isn’t evidence enough for some that we have a police brutality problem. We also can’t stop talking about Paul Ryan. GTFO our show, Paul. Laura and Matt are subjected to a round of Devil’s Advocate in which we learn that property damage is to be expected from UN staff and the average Joe doesn’t really need privacy anyway. Drunk or Kid features hair cutting, snot, marshmallows, and…. a strange liquid concoction. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Welcome back, sycophants. Episode 38 opens with a quick recap of the presidential election, wherein we bemoan the loss of both Joe Biden's and (probably) Jeb Bush's campaigns.​ Murdering toddlers: not as clear-cut of an issue as you might think. News kicks off with a warning for the small percentage of the population that eats meat. Harry's back! And not just Harry, but his son, Albus Severus Sirius James Carrot McNugget Toyota Steve Potter Jr. too! Hidden from the Headlines reveals historians recently discovered the origins of the King James Bible, and with it, perhaps a bit of realism about how best to interpret the Word of God. Surprise, BITCH! welcomes Paige and her deathly fear of sidewalks. Halloween inspires us to take a look at the history of the holiday, and more importantly, our own creepy-scary stories. And in this week's After Dark: Andrew asks us what other babies we'd kill, because why not. Our funniest Halloween stories reveal a lot about our childhoods and our friendships Somehow this segues into reliving the embarrassing tale of how the girls met, and how they collectively cyberbullied an online robot. It gets weird. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The new Star Wars movie is on the way, and Andrew reminds us all why it's important to stick a light-saber up your butt. Also: ​Congratulations on your hot new Prime Minister, Canada! Speaking of elections, we recap last week's Democratic debate and fight over who won versus who only appeared to win. Listener feedback reveals our listeners hate us. And this week's news kicks off with some gay shit. Why is everyone coming out over Facebook? Is there something about cat memes that evokes sexual empowerment in you people? Everything's bigger in Texas, including the sexism. Lawmakers in the state just banned taxpayer funding to Planned Parenthood and we… still don't get it. Surprise, bitch! is a miss then a hit that takes us right on back to Canada. And in this week's installment of After Dark: On the heels of all the Planned Parenthood controversies, the girls seek to dispel some common myths about the vagina and its health challenges. Buckle up. This is going places. Andrew squirms his way through a discussion about periods, but shares some critical insight about ball sacs. Have you been a good girl? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices