It's All About Connection! NVC With Dr. B!

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Other Conversational Responses (OCRs) are all the ways people tend to respond that are not empathy. In this Episode, Dr. B shares about a recent situation where someone was upset and all the folks around her responded in those OCRs. Dr. B and Heather discuss why this was not connecting and the unconscious fallout that often occurs from these habitual ways of responding.

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People tend to have a typical way that they respond in circumstances, we call this in NVC, other conversational responses. Here are a list of them; there's giving advice, consoling, relating one-upping, if you're in the fight, you might use other conversational responses like blaming, judging, correcting, explaining. We also do things in general, claiming playing devil's advocate, sarcastic humor, all of which are the more subtle ones.Key Points Discussed:You have ways that you respond when you're just having a conversation with someone or friends coming and you're sharing to some time together, and what's going on in my life? What's going on in your life? We have ways of talking in those moments, kind of like we're doing right now, there are also certain ways that we respond habitually when we're in conflict, and some of these what I call other conversation responses. (1:41)As you grow in your NVC process, you start to have more of an awareness of what you do in conversation and what other people do in conversation, and then you start to pay more attention to what works, like what do you like, what's annoying for you. Before you might have felt annoyed but weren't able to pinpoint it, now that you have this contrast of all the different ways that a person can respond and then the empathy, saying that we tend to practice a lot while you're really learning in NVC, practicing it and noticing, trying it on and seeing what that is like to have that as a response. (4:23)It feels like you're yet learning a whole new language and you're like pausing, it feels almost robotic. You know what, the empathy process, it becomes smoother and maybe you're not repeating verbatim what the other person has said, you can put it into your own words and it has more flow and ease. (5:50)What happens is you're relating, so now the conversation has turned back on you, not on the other person that was just talking. So this idea of being seen, heard and valued, and you might have just taken away from that person experience and being seen heard and valued when you relate... no right or wrong with relating, but again, you might want to ask, or if you give advice to somebody, we all want to help. When we see somebody in a situation, we want to help, and so we tend to give advice unsolicited, and there's nothing wrong with giving advice, but let's put it in the context of that definition of connection, which is being seen, heard and valued without judgment. (12:23)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

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Episode NotesThe ACE Study is from the early 1990s, where they sampled about 17,000 people, having them take a survey that asked them, "From the ages of 0 to 17, how many of these things happened to you?" And they listed out 10 indicators things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, did you grow up in a household where there was mental illness, did you grow up in a household where there was drug abuse, did you grow up in a household where your parents were separated or divorced, where you saw a mom being treated violently? There were 10 of these, and they would have folks say yes or no to that, and then they would walk away with a score from 0 to 10, 0 meaning no trauma. 10 meaning the most. And what they found, after giving that survey to 17,000-plus people is two-thirds of the people said that they had had at least one of those things, and many of them said many of those things happen to them when they were between the ages of 0 and 17.Key Points Discussed:People that have had trauma tend to respond in a very particular way because they need to create safety for themselves. (2:30)In the program that I ran, my friend looked at me and she said, Well, that's great, but how are you going to transfer that behavior? And I was stopped in my tracks by that statement, in fact, it kept me awake for two weeks. I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to think to myself, she's right, what if we can't transfer that behavior, what good is the work that we're doing. After two weeks of thinking about that question, the answer came to mind, and I think I literally woke up, sat up in bed with the answer, and that's my cliffhanger right there. (3:28)When people have had trauma, they need safety, their brains are actually wired to be on this heightened alert for safety because they haven't had safety. And we see a lot of these behaviors where people fight by yelling or raising their voice or saying obscenities. Or flight, running away. Or freezing. And this is all in service to get people safe. There's a part of the brain called the amygdala. And that's what it does. It's on this alert. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. (4:06)I ran this program for eight years with kids from the juvenile justice system, and talk about trauma, you're talking about some of the deepest trauma. Lots of people dying, lots of situations where folks are starving, seeing their parents be very physically abused over and over again, I mean all kinds of stuff. And yet, we had this amazing level of cooperation and connection with the youth. (8:50)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

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