It's All About Connection! NVC With Dr. B!

The ACE Study is from the early 1990s, where they sampled about 17,000 people, having them take a survey that asked them, "From the ages of 0 to 17, how many of these things happened to you?" And they listed out 10 indicators things like sexual abuse, physical abuse, did you grow up in a household where there was mental illness, did you grow up in a household where there was drug abuse, did you grow up in a household where your parents were separated or divorced, where you saw a mom being treated violently? There were 10 of these, and they would have folks say yes or no to that, and then they would walk away with a score from 0 to 10, 0 meaning no trauma. 10 meaning the most. And what they found, after giving that survey to 17,000-plus people is two-thirds of the people said that they had had at least one of those things, and many of them said many of those things happen to them when they were between the ages of 0 and 17.Key Points Discussed:People that have had trauma tend to respond in a very particular way because they need to create safety for themselves. (2:30)In the program that I ran, my friend looked at me and she said, Well, that's great, but how are you going to transfer that behavior? And I was stopped in my tracks by that statement, in fact, it kept me awake for two weeks. I was waking up in the middle of the night trying to think to myself, she's right, what if we can't transfer that behavior, what good is the work that we're doing. After two weeks of thinking about that question, the answer came to mind, and I think I literally woke up, sat up in bed with the answer, and that's my cliffhanger right there. (3:28)When people have had trauma, they need safety, their brains are actually wired to be on this heightened alert for safety because they haven't had safety. And we see a lot of these behaviors where people fight by yelling or raising their voice or saying obscenities. Or flight, running away. Or freezing. And this is all in service to get people safe. There's a part of the brain called the amygdala. And that's what it does. It's on this alert. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. Keep me safe. (4:06)I ran this program for eight years with kids from the juvenile justice system, and talk about trauma, you're talking about some of the deepest trauma. Lots of people dying, lots of situations where folks are starving, seeing their parents be very physically abused over and over again, I mean all kinds of stuff. And yet, we had this amazing level of cooperation and connection with the youth. (8:50)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:Some people when they hear non-violent communication, they're turned off right from the get-go because they're thinking, well, I'm not violent with my communication, and non-violent communication came out of Gandhi's understanding of non-violence., and this idea that anything that disconnects us from another human being is a form of violence. (0:58)It's an extreme form, obviously of judgment and how it can play out and be disconnecting between people, for sure. And I think most of us can relate to it. Most of us have been in a situation where you're in conflict, and so then you go and you talk crap about a person either directly to them or away from them, and it's usually not very helpful. (5:54)So beware of these absolute terms. There's also just so many people who get confused between feelings and thoughts. This is a big thing in NVC, that we start to get really clear about feelings or internal sensations, thoughts or what goes on in your mind, but we say things like, I feel abandoned, I feel disrespected. Those are not internal sensations, those are actually judgments of something you think somebody is doing to you. (8:41)We are so habituated to judgments and they are very, very dangerous. That's a judgment too. But they are, they do not typically lead towards connection. Remember, connection is the ease and flow that occurs within you and between people when they experience being seen, heard and valued without judgment, it's this concrete thing that we could start being very mindful of, especially when we are in conflict. (11:51)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed:The folks in Washington that were running the whole thing, they wanted those of us on the forefront to do peace differently, because they had said back in the 60s, when people were trying to make peace come about, they were kind of often out of integrity with the piece that they wanted to bring. (1:43)And a note, mind you, this had not even been 24 hours to receive that said, this is a high price to pay, you've seen nothing yet. (6:40)My daughter was a senior in high school and I had been trying to think about what I could do to give her a special gift, and all of her friends a special gift for their graduation, and it dawned on me, what I could do would be to teach them in NVC, if I could give them that before they got out into the world, it could be the greatest gift that I ever gave to them. (10:25)I think that's when I gained more interest in it and have slowly, I guess, over the last eight years, started implementing it more and more into my life, deeply listening, giving empathy and it's really strengthened my own sensibilities and skills, communication and how to communicate. (15:10) Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com

Key Points Discussed: I've been training youth and community volunteers in the NVC process, and I'm getting ready to launch my business called The Bigbie Method to operationalize peace in America schools by using NVC as the backbone.(1:20)There's a lot of people that hear the term Non-Violent Communication and they think this isn't for me, I'm not violent. When in fact, the term Non-Violent Communication comes from Gandhi's term of non-violence, and it's kind of based in this idea that anything that disconnects you from another human being is actually a form of violence. (2:01)Over the evolution of this podcast that we're going to go over the key NVC concepts, we're going to talk with people who are struggling with NVC. Because that's a real thing, people, whether you have a lot of experience or a little experience, people really struggle with this. It's like learning a whole new language because it's hard, we are so habituated when we're in conflict. (4:11)Most people come in and have a mental model of empathy and think, Oh, I know empathy, but empathy and NVC is a very specific process that can be taught and learned and replicated. Yeah, so our objective with this podcast is to inform, inspire and support. (4:56)Additional Resources:Website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.comFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/thebigbiemethodTwitter: @TheBigbieMethodInstagram: @thebigbiemethodLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cindybigbienvcYouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channelBe sure to leave a rating and review on Apple Podcasts and share it with a friend that would get some value!The Bigbie Method website: https://www.thebigbiemethod.com