Growth Marriage

About once a week I get a message from someone asking what to do about porn... Here's how it usually plays out. (Not always... but usually.) Husband secretly watches porn. He's been doing it off-and-on for a while. Often times it's when he's feeling lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or depressed... He hates himself for it because it's against his values... He feels like he can't stop... And he's afraid that if his wife finds out, she'll divorce him and he'll lose everything. Then, his wife finds out...

I've been listening to a 35-hour lecture series called "Maps of Meaning" by Dr. Jordan Peterson, an author and psychology professor. The lectures are an exploration of the psychological principles and ideas that give meaning to life. A few weeks ago I was driving home from the hardware store in a rain storm with a friend of mine. We were listening to the last few minutes of the final lecture when something Dr. Peterson said hit me with a ton of bricks I find myself thinking about that little section of his lecture often. I've re-listened to that 8 minute excerpt at least a dozen times. In that excerpt, Dr. Peterson asks a question… and to my estimation, it might be the most important question you could ask yourself. How much good could you do if you oriented yourself towards the greatest possible good? There's so much possibility built into that question. First is the fact that you are capable of doing good. Second, there is an implication that you're capable of being a better version of yourself (more aligned with the greatest possible good) than you are right now. Third is the idea that you may not know just how much good you could do. You likely have more capacity for doing good than you can even imagine. And fourth, you can do SO much good even when faced with extreme suffering. Your circumstances don't determine how aligned you are with the greatest good. Peterson advises that if you want to test out the power of this idea in your life, the best way to start is by taking responsibility for something in your life that you 1) have control over, and 2) want to change. So… Because I am who I am, and I do what I do, I want to pose a question to you… Is your marriage as good as it could be? As a partner, are your actions, words, and thoughts aligned with the greatest possible good? Are there issues you face, burdens you carry, or conflicts you struggle with that could be overcome if you let go of your resentment and hatred? How would your relationship with your partner change if you TRULY started striving towards the highest possible good? It's hard to know. But one thing is for certain, we can all be better. All of us. And there's NO way to know what kind of impact we could have on our marriages, families, communities, and beyond if we were simply… better. If we gave the people we loved regular, meaningful compliments. If we looked for ways to remove suffering from their lives. If we took responsibility for our own self-esteem, and didn't require our partners to prop us up and make us feel good. If we greeted them with a smile and a loving hug every day. If we truly cared about their problems, and desired that they have a fulfilling life. If we were willing to always assume good intentions of our partner, or if we worked to tame our tempers, or to take an interest in the people and things that are most important to them. Can you imagine how things might change? It's impossible to measure the impact this one small idea could have on our lives. Maybe this is too cerebral or idealistic... but I believe it could change the world. And if you want a place to start aligning your thoughts, actions, words, and desires with the highest possible good, check out the Are We Roommates? Summit. It's jam-packed with ideas from the world's top relationship experts. I think you'll love it.

I have a confession to make… My marriage has slipped into Roommate Syndrome. I could blame it on a lot of things: My wife surprised me with an announcement last year that she was pregnant… which was AWESOME! But it also meant that the next few months were full of nausea, exhaustion, and weird food aversions, which made date night hard. Then COVID hit. My wife is an ICU nurse, so she's been on the front lines, dealing with this pandemic mess. It's been very stressful. And to keep everyone safe, we have been VERY quarantined for the last 8 months. We rarely go out to eat. We haven't been on vacations. And then baby Aurora arrived. Along with all the cuteness came diaper changes, puke, late nights, and feedings every 2.5 hours. And of course, intercourse was off the table. So… We mostly just sit around and watch Netflix in our sweats. *shudder* It was a few weeks ago when I realized it. It was embarrassing to admit. We had let our marriage drift into Roommate Syndrome. We were in a serious slump. And I help people create epic marriages for a living!!! I knew I had to do something. I didn't care how many forces were working against us, we were not going to get stuck in this black hole of passionless mediocrity. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I reached out to 30 of my favorite marriage experts. I said, "I can't be the only one dealing with this right now… and I want to DO something about it!" They were on board! So I interviewed them all separately and asked them one important question: "If you had to get your marriage out of Roommate Syndrome in 30 days, what would you do to get that spark back and make sure you never ended up in Roommate Syndrome again?!" The answers I got were incredible. They changed my life. (I'm not wearing sweats anymore, and last week, my wife and I went on a proper date – at home, mind you, but still a date!) And they will change your life too. You can get those interviews for free here, but only for a limited time starting on December 8th. Don't miss out!

"My husband is just an extra child I have to take care of." "I feel more like his maid than his lover." "If I don't take care of everything, nothing would ever get done around here." These are the types of statements I hear from "Overfunctioners." What's an Overfunctioner? Ultimately, it's one way you might manage your anxiety. We all do it from time to time. (But women tend to overfunction more often than men.) Here's how it works… It all starts when you start to worry that something important might not get done. "Will my husband stay on the health plan the doctor put him on?" "Will my son turn off his video game and take out the trash before our guests arrive tonight? "Will my daughter finish her math homework? She's in danger of failing that class…" "Will my dad take his meds so he can control his blood pressure?" You worry because you have NO control over whether or not these things will actually get done. And because it's all outside your control, your brain starts to do HORRIBLIZE. You start thinking about the most horrible scenario that could play out if these things don't get done. "If my husband doesn't stay on the health plan, he might have an early heart attack and die!" "If my son doesn't take out the trash, our guests are going to think we are uncivilized slobs!" "If my daughter fails math, she'll never get into college… and then she'll never move out, find a creer, get married, or have a family!" "If my dad doesn't take his meds, he's going to die tomorrow, and mom will have to move in with us! I'm not ready to plan a funeral!" When you start to HORRIBLIZE, it makes you very anxious. And when you get anxious, you start thinking of solutions to get rid of the anxiety… And that's when you have the brilliant idea! It's the answer to all your worries! "What if I just wake up extra early to make my husband a healthy lunch every morning, then I take out the trash, then I sit next to my daughter to make sure she does her math homework correctly, and then I call my dad every night to make sure he takes his meds?! "If I just put myself in charge of all of this stuff it will definitely get done. Which means, BONUS… I don't have to worry about it anymore!" Genius, right? And the best part of all? Everyone thinks you're pretty amazing for being the engine that keeps your marriage, your family, and your friendships going. At first you feel a bit like a hero. You love that everyone depends on you. It makes you feel important. Valuable. Irreplaceable. But, after a while, you start to realize that people have started see your help as an expectation, not as a kindness. And eventually, you start to feel resentful. What used to feel like an act of love and service now feels like a burdensome obligation that has been placed on your shoulders. And then you reach a breaking point and your world comes crashing down... You learn that your husband regularly leaves your thoughtful, pre-packed lunches in the fridge at work so he can go to "business lunches" at restaurants with colleagues… Your son is driving you nuts, because he never does his chores, and refuses to turn off his video games... Your daughter makes you want to pull your hair out because she has learned that if she plays stupid for long enough, you'll just do her math homework for her… And every time you talk to your dad it ends up in an argument about his health. You don't talk about anything but his pills anymore. You can't live like this anymore! "Am I the only one who cares about getting anything done around here?!" "If I just disappeared tomorrow, their whole world would fall apart." "They have NO idea how much I do for them that they completely take for granted!" You'd do anything for the people you love… So, why don't they love you enough to see that you're burned out and lend a hand… or at least say thank you? UGH! (Is this hitting home yet?) So… what's the solution to dealing with the resentment? Well, one solution would be to stop doing everything for everyone. But that terrifies you. What if they don't follow through?! Or worse… what if they try to do it, but they fail or do it wrong? The anxiety that comes with watching the people you love fail is too great. So, you opt for option #2… You complain. You start nagging your husband. You start harping on your kids. You call your friends to gripe about how everyone misbehaves and takes you for granted. You seek validation from anyone who will listen. Meanwhile, everyone starts to resent you for being a giant fun-sucking, black hole of happiness. You become unpleasable, angry, and no fun to be around. You whine that nobody helps you. Then when people try to help you, you complain that they're doing it wrong. There's no winning. You're miserable. They're miserable. Everyone's miserable. All because of a little anxiety that you just wanted to go away. So… how do you fix it? How do you stop overfunctioning? That's what we talked about in today's interview with Dr. Kathleen Smith, author of Everything Is

This week I listened to a podcast featuring a guy named Richie Norton as the guest. In his mid-20's he was invited by Stephen M. R. Covey (son of Stephen R. Covey… the 7 Habits guy) to help train business professionals to be better leaders. When he was offered the opportunity he freaked out. He felt too young and inexperienced for the gig. "You want me to go train these grey-hairs? What are they going to think?" Mr. Covey responded with some epic advice: "A lot of people say they have 20 years of experience when in reality they only have 1 year of experience 20 times." BOOM! This perfectly summarizes why I hate it when people say they (or someone they know) have a great marriage because they've been together for XX years. Just because you've been married for a few decades doesn't mean you've been successful at marriage. Sometimes it just means you're really good at enduring being miserable and walking on eggshells, or you've just stopped caring, or you're too scared to speak up and say what you've got isn't what you want… cause the relationship you've got - as bad as it is - might be as good as it gets. Have you noticed the problems you have in your marriage are almost always different versions of the same thing? The same argument about how you spend or save your money, or the same argument about who initiates sex, or the same argument about which in-laws you visit over the holidays… It sucks to feel stuck in a cycle like this! I hate it. Yet I see it ALL THE TIME. This is what I call mediocre love… reliving the same arguments, struggles, disappointments, frustrations, and challenges year over and over and over for decades. If you want an incredible marriage you've gotta get unstuck! You need to grow, to learn, to improve, to advance, to invest in the things that matter. You need to confront your shortcomings, to speak up, to assess what works, what doesn't and what needs to change. And you can't do this just once. You have to be doing it consistently! There is ALWAYS room to grow. Think of your life experience. Do you have X years experience, or 1 year of experience X times? Are you stuck in one area of your life? If you are stuck, what do you need to learn to get unstuck? What do you need to get better at? What conversation do you need to have that you've been avoiding? What needs to change in you so that you can have a different outcome? If you need help figuring out how to break out of the cycle you're stuck in, let's talk. -Nate

I'm sick of seeing so many couples and friends be completely lied to by their therapists. So, I figured it's finally time to lay out some seriously-needed education. Therapists are the people we trust with our deepest, darkest, most personal and oftentimes shameful secrets. They're supposed to help us navigate the most turbulent and challenging times in our lives. We trust their counsel explicitly and without question because, well, they're professional counselors. But there's something the therapist community rarely talks about that you should absolutely know before choosing a therapist! A good therapist will let you in on the secret, but most won't… because if they tell you they might lose your business. To understand what I'm about to reveal, you have to understand how a therapist becomes a therapist. Where do Therapists Come From? Most people don't know there are at least half-a-dozen different ways you can become a therapist. You can become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), a Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMHC) often referred to as a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT). Even though each of these degrees will provide you the title "therapist," the stuff they teach you in each program is completely different. It's similar to the way doctors work: You've got ear nose and throat doctors, pediatricians, cardiologists, pulmonologists, orthopedics, etc. They all call themselves doctors, and they probably took the same courses in their first year of med school, but the specialized training they receive is just that: specialized. The patients doctors serve and how they apply their skills is completely different based on their training. The same is true for therapists. They have specialized training. Here are a few examples: Some therapy grads might get most of their training on how to work with patients in a hospital system, while others learn to counsel students inside the school system. There are therapists who get lots of their education helping adolescents overcome substance abuse, eating disorders or addictions, and some who learn specifically about treating entire family systems, while others learn how to help couples overcome struggles in their marriage. Now, back to the doctor analogy... if you have a bad case of pneumonia, I'm guessing you wouldn't want to see a gynecologist. You'd want to see a pulmonologist, right? The same should hold true for your mental and emotional health! Mothers with postpartum depression shouldn't be meeting with a therapist who specializes in helping teenage boys overcome their addiction to adderall. It wouldn't make any sense, and the therapist likely isn't qualified to properly treat such a patient. A therapist "mismatch" can be really harmful… and it does happen quite frequently. But it doesn't stop there! Treatment Methods Beyond the differences in training a therapist receives in school, and even the types of struggles they've trained to help people through, there's another layer of differences which might be the most important: Different therapists specialize in different treatment methods called "modalities." For example, one therapist might use equine therapy (therapy with horses) to help a client learn to build trust, while another therapist might use recreational therapy (physical exercise and training) and have their client exercise in a group setting to achieve a similar outcome. Some therapists use art therapy, some prefer music therapy, a lot of therapists use emotionally focused therapy (EFT) which focuses on how people form emotional attachments to and bond with others. A lot of marriage therapists will likely use the Gottman Method, which focuses more on teaching skills and techniques to practice in parenting and marriage. Mastering many of these modalities require hundreds of hours of study and training. And different treatment methods work better for different people. Do you see how if you're not familiar with this industry, it can be really misleading and very confusing? And I'm not even finished yet! There is one more bit of crucial information that many therapists won't tell you about. If you know me, you know spend nearly every waking hour studying, writing about, or thinking about marriage and relationships. I was shocked to find that of the 500,000+ therapists in the US, only a tiny percent (less than 10%) have any formal training or education specific to couples or marriages. And... Of those who do work with couples, only a tiny portion have any training or education around... wait for it... sex! (Not trying to put myself on a pedestal, but simply from my own curiosity and voracious reading, self-directed research over the last few years, and attending a dozen seminars from the world's top sex experts - even without grad school - I probably have more training and education around sex and marriage than most therapists.) If all that wasn't enough... Here'

Stoicism is an ancient Greek philosophy designed to make the practitioner more resilient, happier, more virtuous, courageous, and wise. Some of history's greatest leaders were Stoics: Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, George Washington, Theodore Roosevelst, and more recently, people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tom Brady, Bill Clinton, and prominent author Ryan Holiday. The foundation of Stoicism is built on 4 virtues: Courage - The ability to be brave Temperance - The ability to practice moderation and self-control Justice - Always doing what's right, and dealing fairly with others Wisdom - Truth and understanding When practiced, these virtues help us remain focused on what's truly important in life, and unlock our potential. I'm a firm believer that if you really want to have an incredible marriage, you will practice the principles of stoicism whether it's intentional or not. Today, I'm going to share 10 powerful questions based on the principles of Stoicism that can help you be a better person, and a better partner. These questions were curated by a Reddit user by the name of DickieBush. How am I complicit in creating the conditions I say I don't want? This is a powerful question that, when answered honestly, will expose you to all sorts of uncomfortable truths. It will help you identify areas of your life where you might be talking the talk… but you're not walking the walk. It's easy to commit to doing something that will make your life better, then fail to do them out of laziness, forgetfulness, procrastination, or avoidance. When you stop lying to yourself, you can learn a lot about how you can get out of your own way, so you can stop perpetuating your own problems, and live a more fulfilled life. Where am I feeling the Resistance? The Resistance is a concept introduced in Stephen Pressfield's book, The War of Art. What triggers the Resistance? Any time you choose to avoid immediate gratification in favor of pursuing some sort of long-term gains. You feel the resistance when you put your phone down to clean the house. Or when you try to turn off your video game so you can go work out. Or when you try to stop watching YouTube, so you can plan that date night. The areas where you feel and then succumb to resistance are clues to areas of your life where you can adjust your behavior in order to have the life or relationship you want. What would I do to make today horrible? This question leverages the Inversion Principle. Avoiding a poor decision is easier than making the right ones. Instead of thinking of everything I want to accomplish in a day, I think of everything I could do to make today horrible. Then I just avoid doing those things. Where am I making things more complex than they need to be? It's human nature to over-analyze our problems and struggles. Overcomplicating life just creates stress, anxiety, and burnout. And it keeps us stuck in problems we could easily solve. Asking yourself this question will help you stay focused on taking action and keep you from getting caught in analysis paralysis. What would this look like if it were easy? A while back, I interviewed Celeste Davis. In the interview she said, "What if the words 'I don't know' were eliminated from your vocabulary?" What possibilities would arise for you? Sometimes we get in our own way by assuming our own problems are above our paygrade. We get mired in the complexity, and end up feeling defeated and exhausted. But what if this thing you were facing were easy… What if you DID know what to do? How would things be different? When you give yourself permission to make the answers easy, it's amazing how many of your problems become solvable… or at the very least, manageable. What if I did the opposite in every area? Do you ever get stuck in a funk? Maybe it feels like the routine you have developed just isn't working for you anymore? What if you do date night on Monday instead of Friday What if you start having morning sex instead of nighttime sex? What if you swap chores? If you normally cook the meals and your partner does the yard… switch it up! Is our partner the one who always initiates? Why don't you try being the instigator of affection? See what happens when you mix things up. You might discover something magical. If I could only work for four hours this week, what would I work on? Do you glorify busyness? I know I do. Sometimes I spend hours "working." Then, at the end of the day, I try to figure out what I've accomplished… and for the life of me, I can't figure it out. Same thing often happens in my marriage. My wife and I will spend time together… but it's not quality time. We've killed so many hours in front of the TV, or sitting on the couch together while both on our phones. Sure we're spending time together… but is it quality time? If you could ONLY see each other for a few minutes every day, how would you want to spend that time together? How would that time be spent differently than the time you spend together now? Now… how

Have you ever had "Soul Talk?" You know what I'm talking about… Soul Talk is when you have a deeply connecting connection with someone. None of the superficial small talk… No discussing the weather, or how to get billy to soccer practice. None of that, "How was your day?" "Fine… how was yours?" stuff… Soul Talk is when you learn about someone's passions, fantasies, and secrets. The conversation takes you places you've never been before. You learn about yourself while you're learning about the person you're talking to. Soul Talk is the best… It's conversations like this that often make us fall in love. You let down our defences. You stop pretending to be someone you're not. You are honest with your answers instead of trying to think what the other person wants to hear. These conversations require you to be vulnerable and authentic. But a lot of people don't have time to go there very often… Or they completely forgot how to get there in the first place. That's why Authentic Relating exists. Jason Digges is the author of a new book called Conflict = Energy: The Transformative Practice of Authentic Relating. He has dedicated his life to helping people tap into their authentic selves so they can connect deeply. I recently had a conversation with him live in the Epic Marriage Club where he shared TONS of amazing tips on how to create more authenticity in our lives and in our relationships. This is a recording of that conversation. If you want access to live workshops, trainings, and interviews like this one that will strengthen your marriage, check out the Epic Marriage Club.

Changing human behavior is typically really hard. Don't believe me? What percentage of people who made a New Year's resolution to hit the gym and get in shape are still committed to it 4 weeks later? Not many. Because it's HARD to change a lifetime of habits - like the time you wake up, the way you fold your socks, how you brush your teeth, or how you load the dishwasher. Here's something you can test out: Try mixing up your shower routine tomorrow morning. If you always wash your hair first, try starting out with your legs. Not only will you probably forget, but if you try it, it will feel SUPER unnatural.

The cost of your marriage license (depending on where you live) was probably around $40. The average cost of a wedding in the US last year was over $35,000. If you were to get divorced today, the cost would likely be around $15,000. Lots of people - including the government, dressmakers, photographers and lawyers - are out there trying to tell you what your marriage is worth… but have you ever stopped to think what the true value of your marriage is? I love this quote by Simon Sinek: "Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it." So, what's the value of your marriage? The answer is whatever you are willing to pay… and I'm not just talking dollars. Here's an awesome example of a good buddy of mine who has just leveled up the value of his marriage and family by increasing his investment. He reached out a few months ago and asked if we could grab lunch and catch up. When we sat down and started eating, he dropped an amazing bombshell. "I want to share something with you, because I think you're one of the only people who will get it without any weird judgment or anything." "Hit me," I said. "My wife and I have been talking about the kind of life we want to live as a family. For a while now we've felt like we've been caught up in the hamster wheel of life… which is fine if that's what you want… but we don't. So, next year we're selling our house and we're going to take our whole family on a trip around the world. We're going to visit 5 continents, and around 30 countries. We're going to expose our kids to different cultures, and have adventures, and make incredible memories!" I almost cheered for joy in the restaurant! Life is short! He's putting his time, energy, and money where his mouth is… into his marriage and family. Now, I don't think everyone should quit their job, sell their house and jet-set across the world for a year… because what's best for my buddy isn't best for everybody. But I DO think everyone should invest more seriously in their dreams. That means putting a little more thought, effort and creativity into the way they want to live their life. If you want to prove you truly value your marriage INVEST IN IT! Is there a dance class you've been talking about? Sign up! Is there a vacation you've always dreamed of going on? Plan it out! Figure out how much it will cost you to do it and start saving today. Do you long for the days when the passion was super intense, and everything you did had a thin veil of romantic tension and suspense around it? What can you do to recreate that romantic excitement? Buy some sexy underwear? Meet up for a date where you pretend to have never met before, and try to pick up on each other? Reenact your first date… or your honeymoon? Remember that quote I shared earlier: "Value is not determined by those who set the price. Value is determined by those who choose to pay it." What price are you determined to pay? What is the value of your marriage? -Nate A new year is right around the corner. If you want to make 2018 the best year EVER for your marriage, click here and book a quick 30-minute phone call with me. I have something cool planned!

last night our oven caught on fire! Something had spilled in there and made a mess. My wife (being the incredible partner that she is) was cleaning it up. She had turned the oven up to like 500 degrees.I walked in and saw smoke coming out of it and said, "Is there supposed to be smoke coming out of there?" "Uhhhh, nope," she responded. I opened the door and saw flames. My wife calmly retrieved some baking soda from the cupboard, opened the oven door, and tossed it on the flames. They went out instantly. The calmness she displayed while dealing with the flames was impressive... and pretty hot (literally and figuratively). It made me think... (here's a look into how my brain works). In life, we experience all sorts of craziness. We get hit with surprises, crisis, injustice, pain, loss, grief, and struggle. Metaphorical kitchen fires, if you will. Does what happens in your life keep you from acting with compassion, justice, generosity, self-control, sanity, prudence, honesty, humility, straightforwardness and kindness? Sometimes we freak out because, well, we think we should. We hear about neighbors freaking out. We see people on TV freak out. We see leaders freaking out. We assume it's the only way to respond. The truth is, YOU GET TO CHOOSE HOW YOU RESPOND. When something goes wrong in a surgery, a surgeon can't afford to flip out. They stay composed and lean on their experience. They've been training for years for moments like this. They know freaking out doesn't help anybody, so they stay calm and do their best deal with the issues as they arise. When something goes wrong on a space shuttle, an astronaut has no time to panic. They are practiced in handling stress in all sorts of scenarios. They revert to the procedures they've run through hundreds of times to get back on track and stay safe. When a professional athlete falls behind in an event, they know panicking and beating themselves up will not help. They breathe deep. They stay focused. They do not give up. They grind away until they accomplish the task at hand. The same can be true in your marriage! When your partner is disrespectful, when you feel like you're not being appreciated or treated fairly, when you are feeling angry or tired or betrayed, you have a choice... Will you allow what happened to give you an excuse to be the worst version of yourself, or will you choose to be at your best You get to write your own story. You get to choose your reactions. With practice, you can determine how you respond when you're under duress or when things aren't going your way. Pain, loss and unfairness are never an excuse for being the worst version of yourself.

In May of 2015, Pablo Picasso's painting Les femmes d'Alger sold at auction for $179.4 million. Until recently it was the highest price ever paid for a painting. Guess how much time Picasso spent painting this work of art? Oh… about a day. In his lifetime, it's estimated that Picasso created roughly 50,000 works of art. That's nearly 2 pieces every day! It's easy to assume Picasso's greatness came as a result of raw talent, a natural gift, or his unique style. But the reality is that the reason Picasso is probably one of 5 famous painters you can name off the top of your head, and the reason his paintings sell for millions, is because he was relentlessly dedicated to his craft. He created every single day. And a lot of his creations didn't look anything like the abstract stuff you probably think of when you hear the name "Picasso". What made Picasso special was his tens of thousands of paintings. He painted when he felt inspired. He painted when he felt hungry. He painted when he was sick, when he was angry, when he was depressed, and probably when he didn't feel like painting. As he painted and created and hustled he found what made him unique. He found his groove and his style. He created his legacy. This is not much different from love. I love thinking of love as art. You get better with practice. You have to invest, grind away, and do the work on the days you feel like it, and especially on the days you don't. The only way to find your unique relationship style, your strengths in partnership, and discover what little things hold the highest value for you is to love every single day. You don't create a $180 million marriage overnight. It's 50,000 foot massages while listening to her tell you how her day went. It's 50,000 sincere compliments. It's 50,000 apologies and 50,000 hours of self-reflection. It's 50,000 attempts to shut your mouth and listen instead of explaining or providing excuses. It's 50,000 deep breaths before giving him the benefit of the doubt. It's 50,000 requests for help and saying "thank you" when she helps. It's 50,000 attempts to show up at your best. Every day you're creating your legacy. Every day you get to decide whether or not you will put in the work to become a master, or whether you'll be just like everyone else. "Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone" ― Picasso What will you choose today?

Did you brush your teeth this morning? My guess is that you did... at least I hope so. You've probably brushed your teeth almost every day of your life since you had teeth. It's a pretty logical thing to do. It prevents cavities, bad breath and gum disease (obviously) as well as a bunch of other great health benefits like preventing heart disease, dementia, and diabetes. But you probably don't think about all those things when you brush, do you? You just do it because it's a good habit you've developed (or it feels gross if you don't). Brushing your teeth is important! You can't just go to the dentist once every 6 months and get a really intense, professional cleaning and call it good. WHEN IT COMES TO THE THINGS THAT MATTER, CONSISTENCY ALWAYS BEATS INTENSITY! So, what's the "brushing your teeth" equivalent that keeps your marriage thriving and healthy? That's what we cover in today's episode.

Some people think that to have a good marriage you have to get really good at letting the little things go. They think a good partner will look past the minor dysfunctions that show up in marriage. You just gotta ignore the little hurts that get inflicted over time. I mean, what good is marriage if you're constantly talking about stuff that isn't working, right? The science of researchers Gottman, Swanson and Murray shows that couples who have a low tolerance for negativity in their marriage are actually happier, and more likely to have lasting, satisfying love. In a nutshell, happy couples don't let things build up and fester before addressing them. They call this having a "low negativity threshold." You might be thinking, "But Nate, didn't you just write an article about not complaining? This seems a little contradictory." I hear you. Just bear with me for a minute. I promise I'll provide a good explanation. First, let me start out with a story... One evening a few weeks ago my wife and I were in a hurry to get somewhere. She made dinner, we ate, then left the dishes in the sink. The next morning we both ran to work early and left our breakfast dishes in the sink. That evening we got home and began making dinner again… the mountain of dishes was growing. The pile was magnified by the smallness of our kitchen. There was no space, no clean dishes, and a lot of frustration. My wife - champion that she is - dug through the pile of dirty utensils and food-covered appliance attachments to find something she needed for the food processor. Then I heard her scream. There was blood everywhere. She cut her finger on a sharp blade buried in the mess of dishes. She was in pain, she was frustrated, she was overwhelmed. I was panicking, stressed, and upset. All of this emotional tension, the stress, the literal mess, and the blood and pain could have been avoided if we had just taken a few minutes to manage the mess when it was small before it turned into a mountainous problem! We could have cleaned while we cooked. We could have scrubbed dishes and thrown them in the dishwasher before leaving the house. We could have stayed up a little late, or woken up a little early to make a dent in the pile. We could have hired someone to come help us clean. The problem that too many couples face is that they let the dishes pile up, and pile up, and pile up until someone just can't take it anymore! They get so frustrated, or hurt that they snap, explode, and lash out. Are you getting the analogy yet? I'll spell it out for you, just in case. Rather than maintain a clean kitchen (healthy, happy, resentment-free relationship) by taking care of the dirty dishes (small hurts, disappointments, and arguments) when they're manageable, they instead build a tolerance for living in a filthy kitchen (miserable, lonely, anxiety-ridden marriage). Sounds miserable, right? I know you don't want this. You want epic love... not this miserable counterfeit we try to convince ourselves is an actual marriage. Now let's talk about how to keep your emotional kitchen clean so these meltdowns don't happen. How You Start Is Important For me, the hardest part about cleaning the kitchen is starting. Once I make some progress and gain a little momentum, the cleaning gets easier… Sometimes it's even fun. The same is true with the "emotional kitchen" the most important part is simply starting the conversation… and starting it the right way. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, marriage researcher, John Gottman talks about the importance of a "Soft Startup." A soft startup is a kind way to begin a conversation about something that's bugging you without picking a fight, or pushing your partner to shut down emotionally. The Soft Startup is all about being gracious and kind and setting your partner to respond with the same kindness. You're ensuring you tackle conflicts as a partnership. Instead of conflict being you vs. your partner, it should be a tag team of you and your partner vs. the problem and your emotions. Last week, after writing the article about not complaining, I got an email from a reader whose partner had an awkward issue to be addressed. It will make a perfect demonstration of how a soft startup should work. A harsh startup might sound like this: "Holy crap, I can't take it anymore! Your toothbrush is disgusting? How can you not smell that!? It makes me nauseous every morning when I walk in the bathroom. Don't you have any respect? Your breath is nasty." Yeah, your partner won't react well to that, or anything like it... Start a conversation with accusations, anger, frustration, an aggression and you won't get what you want. You'll just end up with a fight. Now let's try a soft startup. "Hey babe, can I talk to you about something that makes me uncomfortable? (Asking permission is a great place to start) I just noticed recently that your toothbrush has a really strong smell and it's kind of grossing me out. I don't want to embar

People frequently complain to me about their marriages. They tell me secrets they would NEVER tell anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I love it. (If you're unhappy in your marriage, and you reach out to me, that means we're moving in the right direction.) Today I want to share with you an important pattern I've noticed during these with hundreds of frustrated, disconnected, and unhappy couples. They all want the same thing… Freedom. I know this, because the way they talk about their marriage often sounds like a prison. "I feel trapped…" "I feel stuck…" They feel like they're at the mercy of a disengaged, or unpleasable partner… "He doesn't ever help with anything. I feel like I'm his mother, or his maid." "I can never do anything right. Even when I do my best to give her what she wants, she's still unhappy." My heart breaks when I hear the desperate stories of a lonely partner who just wants to be set free from their prison, and feel that deep connection they once felt. Inevitably the conversation takes a turn… typically with the same question. "What do I do?" The answer is ALWAYS the same: Freedom from pain, tyranny, and misery always comes with a heavy price. The price is personal responsibility. Wherever freedom exists, someone, somewhere has taken responsibility for a problem, an injustice, or the suffering of others. Harriet Tubman made 13 trips to the south through the Underground Railroad to free over 70 slaves. She made their freedom her responsibility. Maya Moore (a WNBA star) recently stepped away from her basketball career at the peak of her success to help exonerate Jonathan Irons – a man who's been wrongfully imprisoned for the past 20 years. Maya stepped up and made herself responsible for righting a wrong that she did not commit. Healthcare workers all over the world are putting themselves at risk to take responsibility for the wellbeing of sick people everywhere. I witness that sacrifice every week as my 7-months-pregnant wife puts on her maternity scrubs, and spends 13 hours a day, 3-4 days per week on her feet, running from room to room, caring for patients. And I see the tears, anger, and anxiety she experiences when she comes home exhausted and angry at people on social media who refuse to protect themselves and those they love. She knows that their lack of responsibility will inevitably put more responsibility and pressure on her and her coworkers… who are already near a breaking point. Responsibility is hard. And ultimately, if you're feeling trapped, stuck, or imprisoned in your marriage, you have two choices: Wait for someone else to take responsibility for changing your marriage Step up and take responsibility yourself What does that look like? Well, to start, you've gotta be REALLY honest with yourself. You need to carefully consider, and take responsibility for the choices you've made that created your current situation. That type of honesty is never easy. When you peel back the layers and stare the truth in the face, it can be incredibly painful. I've seen women who were absolutely furious at their childish and irresponsible husband. That fury transformed into tears when these women realized that they had contributed to their husband's childlike behavior by treating him like a child… These amazing women didn't know how to deal with the inherent anxiety and worry that comes up when you have to truly trust someone else to help you get things done. Trust can be scary! It was much easier to micromanage, nag, and complain about their husbands when things were done "wrong way" until, eventually, their husbands decided, "If every effort I make results in disappointment, why even try?" Ooof… that's a heavy truth to face. I've seen husbands hang their heads in shame when they realized that they'd spent decades focused so much on work that they completely missed the opportunity to forge a relationship with their wife or kids. "We'll go on a date next weekend," and… "I'll make it to the next game," turned into the dread of realizing the people they love most in the world look at them like a stranger. Or husbands who realized that they have been objectifying their wives for years… Using them as a maid, a chef, and a sex doll without ever stopping to ask what their desires, interests, or dreams are. A piece of them dies inside when they realize how cruel and selfish they've been. Or maybe someone simply realizes that they should have said, "No! The way this relationship is headed is not ok with me," a LONG time ago. The truth can be incredibly harsh. But this is the first step on the path back to connection, deep meaning, profound purpose, joy... and freedom. The next step? Make a different choice. Take responsibility for the words you use, and the tone you use to convey them. Take responsibility for asking for what you want, and holding firm to your righteous desires. Take responsibility for your past mistakes. Apologize for them. Ask what you can do to make them right. Take responsibility for

It's not often I get so excited about a package that I run to the mailbox to get it. But today, my package arrived. It was death in an envelope. My memento mori necklace. If you're not familiar with a memento mori, it's an object meant to remind you that you life is finite, and one day, you will die. Why did I buy it? I wanted a physical reminder that I could have on my body every single day to remind me to be present, and cherish every moment. I've been doing battle with distractions lately. TV. My laptop. Social media. My phone. Sometimes I get through a week and think of how much I could have accomplished, how many books I could have written, how many lives I could have touched... if I had just not gotten on Facebook/Netflix/Youtube/Reddit etc. Can you relate? Sometimes I'm tortured by my unrealized potential... My unfulfilled dreams... They are one of the root causes of my most depressing and anxious moments in life. ESPECIALLY when the unrealized potential can't be blamed on anything but me. My memento mori necklace is a reminder that my time here is limited. I don't want to waste a minute of it... Do you have a memento mori? Something that reminds you of your limited time here on earth? If so, I'd love to hear about it.

Do you feel like the closer you try to get to your partner, the more they pull away? Maybe you feel like no matter what you do, your partner won't open up to you, they dismiss your needs and feelings, and things just get swept under the rug? Or... Maybe you feel like you're always failing. No matter what you do, or how hard you try, it's never enough. Your partner always ends up feeling disappointed, and you always end up blindsided by the "problems" they have with your relationship. In today's podcast, we're going to be talking with Kyle Benson about Attachment Styles, and how they impact our ability to connect with each other, and deal with conflict.

Have you sat on the toilet playing Candy Crush until your phone battery dies, and then though, "What the heck am I doing? Or maybe you spent an entire day laying on the couch in a heap watching The Office… when then you notice the sun has set, and you're still wearing your pajamas. You've wasted the entire day. And then you tell yourself, "I deserve this. I deserve a break." Yeah, I've been there. Actually, a few weeks ago I had a massive depressive episode. Things had been building up… My wife is pregnant, hormonal, stressed, and tired. Coronavirus drama is everywhere. Civil unrest all over the world. I recently parted ways with a business partner. I hadn't been working out like I normally do. And I was in a massive funk… Ironically, the thing that sent me over the edge?... It was the realization that I have such high aspirations and big goals for myself… … and yet I'd been wasting an embarrassing amount of my time! Netflix. Reddit. Youtube. Facebook. Instagram. Video games. Choose your poison. More than a dozen hours in front of a screen day after day. I thought about the hours I'd lost. And how those hours added up to days… that added up to weeks… Wasted. Time I could never get back. Books that could have been written. Memories that could have been made. Creative projects that could have been launched. Talents that could have been developed. All that potential squandered. My guess is that you aren't much different from me, and that not living up to your own potential is one of the most depressing things you can experience. And it's 1,000 times worse when the only person you can blame for wasting your life away is… yourself. And what's worse, when I get depressed like this, I often withdraw from my relationship with my wife. Shame does that to me. Can you relate? When I was in the dumps, I reached out to my writing buddy, Sini. We're both working on books right now. His is about Technology Dependence and how it's destroying our lives. I said, "Sini. I'm in a funk. I need help. Can we talk about this? And can I record it in case anyone else finds it useful?" "Of course!" he said. (He's a good dude like that.) We all know that technology can completely ruin our relationships. But if you're REALLY honest with yourself… like, really, truly honest… how is technology impacting your emotional and mental health? Does it uplift you, or leave you feeling empty? Does it energize you, or drain you? Does it help you stay engaged and present, or does it distract you? Does it make you feel better about yourself, or does it exploit your insecurities? When you turn off the screen do you think, "Wow, I'm glad I did that?" or do you feel a sense of regret? And if the impact is generally negative on you… what are you going to do about it? (I honestly want to know! If you have had a positive experience disconnecting from technology in some way, I want to hear about it.) We're in this together. I don't want to look back on my life and realize I spent all my time looking at cat memes, playing with filters on my camera, and watching #Fail videos on Youtube. I want it to be full of memories, and laughter, and adventures. And I can't get that from behind a screen.

Wanna hear some of the worst relationship advice I've ever heard? "If you prioritize your partner's needs, and they prioritize your needs, your marriage will go well." *Hnnnnnnggggh!* Sorry, that was the sound of me having an anger-aneurysm... This advice a recipe for disaster. Keep reading if you want to understand why. Here's something I've seen happen more than once... Jonny falls in love with Sally becauses he makes him feel competent, and valued, and important. He loved that she relied on him a lot for her self-confidence. He felt like a hero when he could swoop in and save the day by fixing her problems. It was a massive ego-boost. Then one day, something happens… Sally got depressed. She stopped responding to Jonny's efforts to save her. If anything, his attempts to fix everything just made her feel worse. Jonny starts to spiral. His identity is so wrapped up in being the savior for his wife, that he doesn't know what to do with himself. He doesn't know how to tolerate the anxiety of being faced with a problem he cannot solve. To cope with the negativity, he completely checks out of the marriage. Meanwhile, Sally is stuck. Jonny has saved her from so many of her past problems that she hasn't built up the skillset or resiliency to take responsibility for saving herself. Their marriage gets really dark really fast. This happens ALL the time. If you lean too much on each other to feel safe, happy, or simply to get your needs met, this is the inevitable result… Women who build their entire identity around their role as a mother often experience this when the kids grow up and move out. It happens to working professionals who become obsessed with their jobs… and then they get laid off or have to start thinking about retirement. This happens to wives who can only be happy as long as their husband doesn't look at porn. Or husbands who demand that their wives have sex with them X times per week. Rabbi Abraham Twerski calls this Fish Love. Here's how the story goes: An old fisherman goes down to the docks and sees a young man eating a steamed fish. "Young man why are you eating that fish?" he asked. The young man replies, "Because I love fish." "Oh, you love the fish? That's why you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it? Don't tell me you love the fish... "You love yourself, and because the fish tastes good to you, therefore you took it out of the water and killed it and boiled it." So much of what is love, is fish love. If you want to have true, lasting, meaningful love, it requires you to Stand On Your Own Two Feet. That's what I talked to Big Rich and DeAnne about this week. (Go leave a comment on the video, and you could get a free copy of their new book.) Standing on your own two feet means you make an effort to show up as the very best husband or wife you can be… … NOT because you get a "thank you," or praise, or sex in exchange… But because that's the kind of partner you want to be. It means learning to manage your own emotions – like anxiety, depression, or fear – instead of managing other people's behavior so you can avoid experiencing those emotions. Go back and read that paragraph again. It was important. It means cultivating interests, hobbies, and friends outside your marriage so you don't lose your identity. It means learning to say "no" when it's appropriate, to set boundaries, and to communicate what you want – and deal with the anxiety that comes up when you say these things. It means learning to love and accept your partner for who they are right now, even in the midst of the struggles and imperfections that cause you pain. Not holding out on your love and acceptance until they reach their potential. Your marriage will not thrive if you rely on your partner to meet your needs, solve your problems, and soothe your wounded heart. It will thrive when you develop the courage, awareness, and resilience to heal and care for yourself. As David Schnarch says, "Stop working on your marriage. Instead, let your marriage work on you." -Nate

Do you think your husband is a narcissist? When you first met him, he was extremely likable. He was charismatic, charming, and flirtatious. Everyone who met him immediately liked him… and you felt like the luckiest girl in the world that he chose you. Then, over time, things started to change. You started to notice that most of your conversations revolved around his needs, his wants, and his accomplishments. He didn't seem to care as much about what was going on in your life. He rarely asked you questions that allowed for any deep emotional connection. Life was good as long as his needs were met. You started to plan your life around making sure he was happy… because if he wasn't, he'd often lose his temper, or say things that would make you feel as if you'd done something wrong. When you were hurting, he'd dismiss your emotions. And if he was the cause of your hurt, he'd somehow find a way to turn it around and make it your fault. When things really started to get rough, you tried to talk to him about it. Maybe you suggested you go to therapy. He didn't take that well. He was hypersensitive to anything even remotely resembling criticism. He would withhold affection from you as punishment, or to gain leverage. You noticed that he started to find pleasure in tearing you and other people down. It seemed like the longer you were in the relationship, he was thriving more and more. You, on the other hand, seemed to get sicker and sicker. You were exhausted, stressed, depressed, and sad. You felt like a shadow of your former self. You started to wonder if you were the crazy one. "Maybe there's something wrong with me… everyone seems to love him. He's thriving. Maybe I'm the one who's broken." You began to float through life feeling lonely, guilty, ashamed, invisible, unimportant… You didn't want to be judged. You didn't want to appear disloyal. You believed that maybe this was a "phase," or that it wasn't a true reflection of his character. You became a shadow of your former vibrant, caring self. You lost the light in your eyes. *DEEP BREATH* Being married to a narcissist can be incredibly draining and difficult. Recently I had a conversation with Wendy Behary. She's a licensed clinical social worker who has specialized in working with narcissists and those in with relationships with narcissists. She shared three powerful tips to help you deal with a narcissistic partner: 1. Get Help Most people simply don't have the tools and resources to navigate the complexities of a relationship with a narcissist. If you want your relationship to survive and thrive, you will absolutely need to get help from a trained mental health professional. Specifically, someone who specializes in working with narcissists. Don't be afraid to ask a prospective therapist questions about the experience or training they have working with narcissists. Ask them about their approach to treatment. Ask them about any success stories they've experienced working with past clients in situations similar to yours. Hiring the wrong therapist can actually cause more harm than good. So make sure you do your research here. 2. Be "Sturdy" When you're sturdy, you are grounded. Rooted. You don't give in easily to the storms of life. Being "sturdy" in relationship with a narcissistic partner means you have the self-control and self-respect to stand up for yourself without getting emotional or defensive. When your partner loses his temper and flies off the handle, you can calmly but firmly look him in the eye and say, "I don't appreciate being spoken to that way. That might work with other people, but it won't work with me anymore. I'm going to go for a walk while you cool down. Let me know when you're ready to speak to me with more respect." Being "sturdy" means you won't let him bait you back into an unhealthy and unproductive cycle by escalating his emotions. Being "sturdy" means that you care enough about your own emotions, experiences, and values that you will not allow them to be dismissed, ignored, or swept under the rug. You cannot have a healthy relationship with a narcissist unless you are "sturdy." (Which is why so many narcissists seek out partners who are "pleasers." Those who will accept or even accomodate their selfish and entitled behaviors.) Being "sturdy" is definitely a skill that can be learned and mastered over time, even if it doesn't come naturally to you. 3. Use Leverage Narcissists HATE being criticized. They don't like to be wrong. They don't like to accept help. They despise staring their own weaknesses, insecurities, and faults in the face. That means, inevitably, most narcissists will resist change – especially if it means meeting with a therapist to "talk" about things. They'll dismiss, invalidate, manipulate, and throw emotional fits to get out of it. But you can get them to do the work… if you have leverage. Behary says that most narcissistic people don't respond to positive incentives like the rest of us. "If you do this, you'll

I hate working out… My lungs burn. Sometimes I feel like puking. And the next day I'm sore. ...But I love the results of a strong body. I hate cleaning the kitchen… Getting the gunk off the dishes. Wiping down the countertops and sweeping the floors. Loading and emptying the dishwasher. Nothing about any of that is fun for me. … But I love the resulting feeling I get when my house is clean. I hate going to the dentist… The anxiety of whether or not I'll have a cavity. Getting poked and prodded. Shots. Drilling. Pain, slobber, trying to talk with my mouth open. ... But I love the results of having a clean, healthy mouth. I hate having hard conversations… They are stressful. Lots of big emotions. I'm not always great with my words. Sometimes I hurt the people I love. … But I love the result of having a strong relationship. The things that cause you pain and discomfort are sometimes really good for you. And, conversely, the things that make you feel good in the moment are often damaging over the long term. Chocolate chip cookies. Scrolling for hours on social media. Sleeping in all the time. Avoiding the hard conversations. Not managing your budget. Saying, "Yes." to everything. It's important to remember that in your marriage… Just because something makes you feel bad doesn't mean it IS bad. And just because something makes you feel good doesn't mean it IS good. You can't have the life you want without truly understanding this lesson. Now, the important question: What painful thing that is GOOD for you are you running from? What easy or pleasurable thing are you holding on to that's holding you back? And… what are you going to do about it?

Last week, New York Times bestselling author, Rachel Hollis, and her husband announced they are getting a divorce. Why should you care? Because whether you follow, admire, or even know who the Hollises are, there are some lessons to be learned in their failed relationship that could help you avoid their same fate. Rachel and Dave are arguably the most popular self-help couple on the planet right now. Rachel has written two New York Times bestselling books, "Girl, Wash Your Face," and "Girl, Stop Apologizing." She is the host of a popular podcast titled "Rise." And she hosts a second marriage-themed podcast with Dave called "Rise Together." And over the last several years, the Hollis' have traveled the world sharing a message of "vulnerability," "authenticity" and that you can create the life you want if you're willing to put in the work to arenas full of devoted followers. Despite secretly contemplating divorce for the past few years, they sold out arenas, and pricey marriage retreats under the guise that they had it all together. They were the #PowerCouple. So, it's no surprise that people felt betrayed and outraged when they announced their divorce. Millions of people admired them and aspired to be like them, after all. And, if this couple who talks openly about going to therapy, writes personal-development books, and hangs out with Oprah can't make their marriage work… it begs the question… who can? It's a valid question. The answer? You can. Here are 3 things you can do to help you a ridiculously awesome marriage: You Need A Strong Foundation For Your Relationship Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman says, "The simple truth is that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this, I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company." Developing a strong friendship means you know what's going on in your partner's world. You are curious about their fears, interests, hopes, and dreams. You know what they're stressed about, and what they're proud of. You know who the most important people in their life are. You enjoy spending time with them. You see and acknowledge the good they bring into your life. You trust each other. You have each other's backs. You're there for each other in a pinch. Without a foundation of friendship, love can't flourish. In her book, "Girl, Wash Your Face," Rachel talks about being in a relationship with a man who was manipulative and selfish. She breaks it off with him only to wake up the next morning and have him waiting at her door. Turns out, that man was Dave. Obviously I don't have a window into their marriage… but based on that information, it sounds like their relationship started off on a foundation of manipulation, obsession, and infatuation. Not true friendship. If you want to have a love that lasts, cultivate your friendship over everything else. Your Marriage Dynamics Will Change... So Should You Every couple goes through major transitions in their relationship. Some of them are planned, and some aren't. I remember coming home from a long day of work one day expecting dinner to be ready. I found my wife laying on the couch, playing a game on her phone. I got frustrated. I almost always have dinner waiting for her on the days she works, and she typically does the same for me… but the last few nights it had been her turn, she'd flaked on me. As we talked, I learned that the first trimester of pregnancy was more exhausting for my wife than she expected. She was just to wiped out to make dinner most evenings. The dynamic of our relationship had shifted, and we hadn't talked about it… and things would have kept getting worse until we did. And the reality is that most couples don't have those conversations. The world outside their marriage changes, but they want everything inside their relationship to remain predictable and consistent. That's why things like loss of a job, an unexpected bout with depression, the death of a family member, extreme weight loss, a shift in religious beliefs, an unexpected windfall of cash, or any other major life transition can often send a marriage into a downward spiral. If you can't accept that roles and responsibilities need to shift when your circumstances change AND have a conversation about it, your marriage could be in trouble. The Hollis family has undergone some MAJOR transitions over the last few years. They've stepped into the spotlight where millions of people can freely judge, scrutinize, and publicly critique their choices and actions. They've experienced massive growth in their business which can place major demands on their time and attention. They've experienced unexpected financial success which often amplifies peoples' character traits… both good and bad. From the outside, a lot of these changes can appear really positive, and even make others envious. But, inside the marriage, it can be a different story. The couple is exposed to a brand new set of stressors and problems, and an amplification of

A few weeks ago I had to get to an important appointment. Lots of important people were at this meeting. They couldn't have it without me. I was nervous. Wanted to make a good impression. Maybe even impress some people I really admired. I got in my car, drove out of the suburbs where I live, and got on the freeway only to realize… … it was COMPLETE GRIDLOCK. Bumper-to-bumper. A semi-truck had flipped, blocking nearly every lane of traffic. My anxiety levels shot through the roof. I started to sweat. I got angry and panicky. The man in the car next to me was screaming at the improvised parking lot of cars in front of him. He was trying to wedge himself between cars in the next lane. It was obvious he wanted to get into the emergency lane and drive around everyone to get off at the next exit. Few things are more stressful and anxiety-provoking than unplanned traffic on the freeway. And few things are more convenient (and taken for granted) than a freeway where traffic is moving freely. In your marriage, your freeway is your communication. Remember when you first fell in love? One of the best feelings in the world was feeling like someone really got you. You could be 100% yourself, and they would love you and accept you exactly as you were. No walking on eggshells. No pretending to be someone you're not. Best. Feeling. Ever. You could talk about anything! All the lanes of communication were wide open! But then… for most of us, reality eventually sets in. You have an argument. You get your feelings hurt. Your partner is dismissive, insensitive, or uses "that tone." It's like an "accident" happening in one of the lanes of your freeway. Suddenly, communication doesn't "flow" like it used to. The relationship starts to feel tense. You're riding your brakes in areas where you used to just cruise on through. And, if you don't clean up the "wreck," it can actually lead to other careless fender-benders. More lanes shut down. Your communication freeway becomes gridlocked. Lots of anger. Lots of stress, strain, and anxiety. Lots of frustration. Very little trust. Very little productivity. Very low connection, joy, or satisfaction. What's the solution? YOU HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE ACCIDENTS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE! Sometimes it's as simple as pushing the car off the road and having a quick exchange of information. Sometimes it means calling in the paramedics and a tow truck. (Maybe a good therapist?) If you don't clean up the mess of conflict quickly, it will destroy your ability to communicate. And nothing is worse than expecting to be able to connect, bond with, and coordinate with the person who is supposed to "get" you better than anyone else on the road… But there's just too many past arguments, mistakes, and hurt feelings in the way preventing you from that connection. If you are experiencing "Gridlock," and you don't know how to clear the path so you can re-open all the lanes of communication in your marriage, a GREAT place to start is with the 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work workshop. Think of it as AAA for your marriage. We give you the resources you need to deal with anything from a flat tire to a 20-car pileup. You can rest easy knowing that you have everything you need to keep your lanes of communication wide open.

I almost died rafting the snake river. Six other friend and I were paddling down the river when we got caught in an unexpected current created by a tight bend in the river. Our little raft slammed into the base of a cliff. The boat flipped. Bodies and oars went flying. Our river guide (who was not wearing a helmet) slammed his head against the rock and was bleeding badly. I heard people screaming, and splashing as they tried to get back to the upturned raft. Some were even trapped underneath. I looked down the river and realized that some pretty serious rapids - class III and IV - were coming up quickly. We were in trouble. Suddenly, the safety training our river guide gave us before we started our journey popped into my head. "If your raft capsizes, there's only one way to flip it back over. You have to climb on top, hook the handle of your paddle into the rope on one side of the raft, then use your body as leverage as you pull on the paddle to flip the raft over." (It looks like this.) I hauled myself up onto the raft, grabbed the rope, leaned back and flipped it over. One by one we got everyone back into the raft, gathered our paddles, patched up our bloody river guide, and muscled through the rapids. As things calmed down, my buddy leaned over to me and asked, "How on earth did you know how to flip the raft back over?" "I just paid attention during the safety training," I said. (It didn't hurt that I'd been working out and had the strength to haul my wet body up onto the raft.) I don't tell you this story just because I want you to think I'm cool… but if you do, I guess I'm ok with that. This lesson is more parable for marriage. Life is like the river. It gives all sorts of surprise currents, rapids, and rocks to navigate. And sometimes it even upturns your raft. When your raft gets upturned (you're arguing a lot, you have a new baby, a parent passes away, someone gets really sick, you lose your job, etc.) it can be scary and dangerous! You might panic. You might freak out. You might feel trapped, or doomed. But if you've taken the training, developed the skills, and you FOLLOW THE PRINCIPLES AND TOOLS THAT LEAD TO SUCCESS, you can right the ship, recover, and finish the trip. And you can have a BLAST doing it! The real danger comes when you experience a challenge and you don't have the training or skills to overcome it. You feel helpless as you flounder and struggle in the water. You can exhaust yourself swimming against the current. You can panic, and pull people under the water in an effort to save yourself. In your marriage, this kind of "drowning" behavior often shows up as blaming, criticizing, shutting down, attacking your partner, name-calling, having the same arguments over and over and over, and immense amounts of shame. In order to survive and thrive in marriage, you HAVE to have emergency safety training. You HAVE to have a plan in place for emergencies and crises. You have to know how to right the ship by repairing the damage that was done, keep yourself safe and panic-free by learning to manage your own emotions, and help your shipmate if they're in trouble. So, how do you get this training? That's what I'm here for. The best way is to come to a workshop or join the Epic Wives Experiment. These experiences are designed 100% to help you navigate the rapids of marriage, keep your raft upright, and keep yourself and your partner from drowning. But most importantly… I want to help you enjoy the journey! If you feel like you're in over your head (literally or figuratively), please click here and sign up for our upcoming workshop. Don't drown when you could have gotten help.

The other day I came home from work. I walked in the door and saw my wife on her phone at the table. "Hey honey, how did your day go today?!" She looked up at me with a hurt expression on her face. She told me how she felt judged and micromanaged. She felt like she was failing as a wife. She felt like she could never live up to my expectations. I was speechless. "What the heck are you talking about?" Turns out my wife – along with millions of other humans all over the planet – has a BRUTAL inner critic. And when I asked her how her day had gone, that inner critic took on my voice. When I asked, "How did your day go?" the inner critic translated that into me judgmentally asking her, "Were you productive today? Did you get everything done that you planned? Do you feel good about yourself? Did you live up to your fullest potential?" She felt judged. She felt attacked. She felt like a failure. And immediately her defenses went up. I've been a marriage researcher for almost a decade. I teach people regularly that defensiveness and criticism nearly always manifest themselves together. If one partner is overly-critical, the other is often overly-defensive. But only recently did it occur to me that sometimes when we feel criticized by others, it's really us using other people to reflect our own self-judgment back at ourselves. We seek any opportunity to validate our deepest insecurities of not feeling good enough, loveable enough, ambitious enough, _______ enough. My weakness? Taxes. My wife can bring them up in the sweetest, most sensitive, and non-threatening voice ever, and I often (and almost immediately) interpret it her questions about taxes as, "I'm a failure because I haven't taken care of this yet. I'm unreliable. I'm incompetent. I'm a disappointment…" That inner critic is out of control. The temptation is to retreat into my fortress and put up my defenses as if my wife was waging emotional warfare on me. Can you relate? Defensiveness is dangerous. It can create an enemy out of an ally in seconds. This is why learning to acknowledge and manage your inner critic is absolutely necessary. It will keep you from going to war with your partner over something that's completely made up in your head.

Pelvic Floor Disorders occur in 1 out of every 4 women. Things like urinary incontinence, fecal incontinence, uterine prolapse and chronic constipation are incredibly common. But just because peeing your pants after you have a baby is a common problem doesn't make it normal. And here's the kicker: 80-90% of women who experience a pelvic floor disorder experience some type of sexual dysfunction. Do I have your attention?

Growing up, I believed a horrible lie. I had this idea that when I got married, my life would revolve around my wife, her needs, her wants, and her dreams. And her life would revolve around mine. We would travel together… Pursue hobbies together… Clean the house together… Watch shows together... Raise kids together... Basically, we would do everything together. Neither of us would ever find anyone else attractive. We wouldn't even have friends of the opposite sex. I would be all she needed. She would be all I needed. It was going to be just me and her… together... against the world. Honestly, it sounded kinda romantic. But now that I'm a little older and wiser, I have learned this "romantic" idea is a recipe for disaster. Here's why. In order to have a thriving marriage, it requires you to balance the needs of 3 different parties. Your needs. Your partner's needs. And the needs of your marriage. When you treat your needs, your partner's needs, and the needs of your marriage as if they are all the same, all the time… someone will end up regularly sacrificing their needs. When this happens, you might start to feel suffocated, or smothered. Or maybe you'll begin to feel frustrated and resentful. Or you could just lose your identity. Completely forget who you are. This is called Enmeshment. It can feel safe for a while… but eventually it feels terrible. Here's why. As renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel says, "Modern relationships are cauldrons of contradictory longings." You need comfort, predictability, stability, and safety. But you also want spontaneity, surprise, mystery, and desire. You want to feel a sense of togetherness, companionship, and connection with the one you love. But you don't want to feel like a prisoner. And that means, deep down, you need to have some freedom, a sense of independence, and individuality. When your desires, needs, interests, and dreams are sacrificed for, or consumed by your partner's (or vice versa) you lose something vitally important. You lose half of yourself. You exist in the world (and in your relationship) as an incomplete person. You start to feel your partner's worries, anxieties, pains, and frustrations as if they were your own. The quality of your life is directly tied to your partner's moods, struggles, and insecurities. It's hard to distinguish between what thoughts and emotions are yours… and which ones belong to your partner. It can get confusing and overwhelming. Balancing these opposing needs requires thoughtful effort. To continue Esther Perel's quote, "Reconciling the domestic and the erotic is a delicate balancing act that we achieve intermittently at best. It requires knowing your partner while remaining open to the unknown, cultivating intimacy that respects privacy. Separateness and togetherness alternate, or proceed in counterpoint. Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole."

I'm not much of a sports guy, but I'm LOVE learning about people who are the very best at what they do. So over the last few weeks, I've been binging Michael Jordan's new documentary, "The Last Dance." In 1993, Jordan retired from Basketball and went to play Double-A baseball. The world was shocked. He was the best player in the world! He had just won 3 NBA Championships! Why wouldn't he defend his title, and go for a fourth? The world was shocked. Nearly two years later, right as the playoffs were beginning, he came back to his struggling Chicago Bulls team and strapped on his infamous Air Jordans again. The world held its breath. Would MJ be what the Bulls needed to reclaim their title? Nope. The Bulls lost to the Orlando Magic in the second round. In the documentary, MJ says, "I just didn't have enough time to rebuild my body." He had the talent to win more championships. He had the work ethic to win more championships. He still had the potential to be the best basketball player in history. But at the time, he'd spent so much time playing a different game (baseball), that he wasn't prepared to play basketball at the level he needed to play in order to win. He simply lacked some training and conditioning. When I heard him talk about this, something clicked in my brain. I know so many couples who have the potential for greatness! They have the capacity to be world-class lovers, and create epic marriages that make everyone else jealous of how amazing they have it. (You're probably one of them… no lie.) But they're not there yet... They're not currently training to be a champion. Michael Jordan left basketball because he was stressed. He was under immense pressure. He was mourning the loss of his father. He needed a break. Maybe you are living beneath your potential because you're stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Are you mourning the loss of something or someone? If you're REALLY honest with yourself, are you distracting yourself from the things that could make you a champion in marriage, or with your family? These are important questions. Here's why… When MJ lost to the Magic, he looked at his trainer, Tim Grover, and said, "See you at the gym tomorrow." He decided nothing would come between him and a championship again. He and Tim started training for next year's goal the very next day. And then… he won 3 NBA Championships in a row, along with three Finals MVP awards, 3 MVP awards, 3 All-Star appearances, 2 All-Star MVPs… and more. Now, I have 3 questions: If you're not where you want to be in your marriage, do you have the commitment to get there? Do you have a clear game plan to get there? Do you have the right coach or trainer in your corner like Michael Jordan did? Success leaves clues regardless of the discipline. If you're committed to the right goal, and you take the necessary required actions every day, you will get the results you want. That's all it takes. If you are interested in doing some "training" with me, I'm taking applications. -Nate

Did you know there are TWO types of anxiety? (By the way, there's a difference between feeling anxious and having an anxiety disorder. This email is about the common, everyday experience of feeling anxious. I just want to make sure we don't trivialize a mental health disorder that can be really challenging to deal with… ok, onwards.) Your brain creates the feeling of anxiety for two reasons. The first is to prevent you from dying. So, if your brain thinks there's a tiger in the bushes, or a robber hiding in a dark alley, or if you're at risk of falling from a great height like this dingus... … you get a shot of anxiety. Your brain is basically saying, "Hey… you might die. So, exercise some caution here, would ya?" But let's be real, your life probably isn't at risk very often. So, 90% of the time the life-and-death anxiety isn't the type of anxiety you're experiencing, even though it might feel like it. Most people deal with the OTHER type of anxiety. This second type of anxiety typically hits when you're stepping outside your comfort zone, pushing your limits, or challenging yourself. It's the anxiety associated with growth. Remember the first day of school? Ever have to give a big presentation at work? Have you gone back to the gym for the first time in a long break? Need to have that conversation about the budget? Has your partner ever challenged your opinion on something important? You get that rush of adrenaline. Your heart rate increases. You can feel the butterflies in your stomach or tightness in your back. Your sweat glands go into overdrive. That's ALL Growth Anxiety. It's your brain saying, "Heeeeey! This is something we haven't done before! Why didn't I get notified? Are we ready? Are we SURE we're not gonna die?" If you push through Growth Anxiety, amazing things happen. Just like an airplane needs wind resistance to create lift… Or your muscles need to experience resistance to grow stronger… The currency you must pay to become a better version of yourself is pushing through the resistance that comes from Growth Anxiety. As you do this, you learn. You evolve. You become stronger and more resilient. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is confusing Growth Anxiety for keep-you-alive anxiety. Do this and you'll get stuck. You'll experience the same problems, arguments, and struggles over and over again. Your life will be full of regrets, unfulfilled dreams, and broken relationships. All this… because you treated a growth experience as if it were going to kill you. Think about what's causing you anxiety in life. If it's not going to kill you, ask yourself, "What's the lesson I need to learn? What's the growth I need to experience? What can I learn in order to turn the things that are worrying me into things that I can manage with confidence? What did you think of this post? Learn anything? Let me know in the comments...

"My husband and I have been going to therapy off and on for over a decade. We made more progress in our marriage during the Epic Wives Experiment than we ever did during our time in counseling." Over 500 women have gone through the Epic Wives Experiment, and I've literally spent hours sitting at my computer overwhelmed with emotion as I read the breakthroughs, testimonials, and transformations experienced by these Epic Wives. So, why does the Epic Wives Experiment work so well? Why are we so good at helping these women get ridiculously awesome results? (At the end of the day, that's what we all really want, right? Results matter!) Honestly, it's a combination of things. First, you get to be part of a STELLAR community of women. You're in the trenches with hundreds of other amazing wives who are committed to leveling up their love. You have a massive cheering section. You have people to bounce ideas off of, and learn from. You have a compassionate group of humans to lift you up when you're feeling discouraged, or hurt. When you read a relationship book, go to therapy, or listen to a podcast… you're typically on your own. When you have the support, encouragement, and comradery of a group of amazing women, you're WAY more likely to stick with your commitments and goals to do better and be better. Second, you have passionate guides who care about your success! If you've gone to therapy, you know you get about an hour to discuss your paints, struggles, and issues. Then you create a plan, and a week or two later, you check back in with the therapist ot see how things went. In between appointments, you're on your own. There's nobody there to coach you. Nobody to help you stay grounded when things inevitably get tricky. Nobody to help you implement what you've learned. In the Epic Wives Experiment, you get access to me and Laura Heck, one of the top Marriage and Family Therapists in the world. We coach you every Monday. We give you specific action items to help you implement what you've learned Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Then, we sit with you in a live Q&A on Friday. (For context, we each charge over $100 per hour for individual coaching/therapy… if we have openings) And throughout the week, we are active in the Facebook group, answering questions, encouraging you, celebrating with you, and encouraging you. No other marriage resource provides you an experience like that. For real. Third… you follow a specific path. Learning is addicting. It feels good to learn new tools, strategies, principles, and tactics by reading and listening to books, binging podcasts, or even attending workshops. When you learn something new, you think, "Woah, I'm a better person now." But the knowledge doesn't make you better. The application of knowledge is what makes you better. The only way to create transformation is to take action. There's literally NO other way. But a lot of people get stuck when it comes to implementation. "I get the principle… but how do I put it into practice? Where do I start?" In the Epic Wives Experiment, we've developed the path for you. No stressing about what to do next. No wondering "Am I doing this right?" If you trust the process and show up a few minutes every day, and follow the path… you have no choice but to become an Epic Wife! And here's where it gets crazy… When you change how you show up, it automatically impacts how your partner will show up!!! That's why every time we've done this, we have wives losing their minds when their husbands buy them flowers, turn off ESPN to have meaningful, connecting conversations, or willingly help more around the house without being asked. These are just a few of the reasons the Epic Wives Experiment works. And by "works" I mean gets wives the results they want. Come try it out. If you show up and do the work, and you don't get results, I'll give you your money back! That's how confident I am that I can help you take your marriage to the next level. Please don't miss out.

"It's the little things done often that make the difference." This is my favorite quote from the world's most notable marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman. It's easy to dismiss the quote as a great soundbite and miss all the wisdom that's packed into it. So I want to spend a minute and tell you how this quote can change your life. Most people want to live a happy and fulfilling life. And the key to a happy life is great relationships. Research has shown again and again that the factor most directly correlated with the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. And the relationship that has the biggest impact on your life is... you guessed it, your marriage! When your marriage sucks - when you're constantly feeling lonely, disconnected, frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, disappointed, unappreciated, neglected, or attacked - it negatively impacts EVERY other aspect of your life. On average…. You are significantly more likely to struggle with depression and anxiety. You're more likely to get sick more often Your body will heal more slowly from infections, injuries, and diseases You'll have fewer friends You'll struggle with productivity at work You'll have less sex You'll make less money You'll live a shorter life So, having a great marriage is REALLY important at the very least if you don't want to be miserable. What most people get hung up

"5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 0. All engine running… Liftoff! We have a liftoff!" In the summer of 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldren, and Michael Collins were strapped to the tip of a rocket containing over 500,000 pounds of fuel, staring at the sky. The burners had been lit, and the rocket catapulted them towards a mission that had never been accomplished before: Putting a human on the moon. I can't imagine what was going on in the astronauts' minds at that moment. What I do know is that for the years leading up to this mission, the astronauts, and the teams at NASA who built the rockets had been doing something VERY important… pressure-testing. The rockets had to withstand over 7.6 million pounds of thrust without exploding in order for hte launch to be successful. That's more power than 85 Hoover Dams. So, before the launch ever happened, the teams at NASA would pressure-test them. They would pump the prototypes full of gas or water at insanely high pressures to simulate the pressure created during launch… and they'd look for weaknesses. Pressure exposes weaknesses. This isn't just a literal principle. It's also an awesome metaphor. High-pressure situations also expose mental, emotional, physical, and relational weaknesses. (This is why astronauts have such intense training. They try to simulate the chaos that can occur during a rocket launch to strengthen their weaknesses so they don't panic if something terrible or unexpected happens.) And right now, most of us are under some real pressure! A worldwide pandemic. Social isolation. A suffering economy. Depression and anxiety. Kids out of schools. Family members in possible danger. And if you live in my neck of the woods... earthquakes. *ugh* All of this pressure will expose the weaknesses in your marriage. The arguments, insecurities, tensions, and frustrations you already have will be amplified. If gone unchecked, the pressure can tear your marriage apart. In China, as mandatory lockdowns were lifted a few weeks ago, the divorce rate skyrocketed. But this doesn't have to be the case for you! If you're in a difficult spot right now, and it's being exacerbated by the conditions of the world, you can choose to see this time of high-pressure as a gift. You're being exposed to your weaknesses. Weaknesses that might have otherwise been invisible to you, or easy to ignore. Now, you get a chance to fix them! You can face them head-on, create a plan, and patch them up before they do irreparable damage. Pressure exposes weaknesses. The pressure isn't going anywhere for a while. And you get to choose how you deal with it. It can accelerate and amplify the things that are already broken... Or, it can be a gift. If you choose to face it head-on, it can open the door to a marriage far better than you ever could have hoped. What will you choose?

A reader reached out to me a few weeks ago. "My husband hasn't talked to me in 3 days. We had an argument, and he just shut me out. Is that normal? I want to talk about it… but maybe he still needs time to process. Maybe I just need to lower my expectations." If I had a dollar for every time I had someone talk about how low expectations are the key to a happy marriage, I'd be a very wealthy man. And it's heartbreaking… Because the idea that the key to happiness is low expectations is a complete myth! Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should go out there and develop ridiculously high expectations all around for your relationship. You aren't always going to agree on everything. Your partner isn't going to constantly be in a good mood. Sometimes you won't get to go on vacation when you want, eat at the restaurant you want, or work the job you want. Your partner won't always be in the mood to do/watch/talk about the exact same thing you want to do/watch/talk about… That's just silly. Those types of expectations are just resentment waiting to happen. What I'm talking about right now is a study done by Donald Baucom. Dr. Baucom found that in marriage, people typically get what they expect. If you've got low expectations about how your partner will treat you in your relationship, you will tend to be in relationships where you are treated poorly. If you've got high expectations about how you'll be treated by your partner, you tend to be in a relationship where you are treated well. These expectations matter! So, here are 3 things you should ALWAYS have high expectations for in your relationship: Being Treated with Kindness Even During Conflict Being Treated with Respect Problem Solving As a Team

Gerritt was working long hours as a police officer. The job was intense and stressful. He'd come home at the end of the day exhausted after a long 13-hour shift, dealing with criminals and paperwork. He'd walk through the door, and it often felt like he was just met with a to-do list from his wife. He could tell his kids were growing more and more distant. Many nights they'd already be asleep when he got home. Then he started hitting up bars after his shift to unwind with a little alcohol. After a while, the alcohol wasn't enough of an escape. He started getting depressed. So he met with a doctor who gave him some medication… which he abused with the booze. He started working longer hours to avoid going home where he'd have to face his failure as a husband and father. Nothing he did could fill the hole of inadequacy and emptiness he carried around with him. His marriage was falling apart. Eventually he even turned to another woman to give him what he wasn't getting at home. It didn't help. In fact, it made things worse. One day after a particularly long shift, he sat in his car in the parking garage and took a look at the gun on his belt… and he wondered if the world would be better without him. It was at that point that Gerritt decided to turn his life around. He decided instead of blaming people, substances, and circumstances for not filling the hole he felt in himself, he would take responsibility for filling it himself. Over several months and years he completely turned his life, and his marriage around. (To hear more about his story, listen to today's podcast episode embedded above.) The POWERFUL lesson I was left with after I interviewed Gerritt is that the best way to transform your life, or your marriage, is by transforming yourself. The marriage you currently have is the marriage you've chosen for yourself. And if you want a different marriage or a different life, all you have to do is start making different choices. It's so simple, but it's SO powerful. If Gerritt can dig himself out of addiction, depression, divorce, and suicidal thoughts - and create a life with a vibrant, fulfilling marriage, meaningful work, and a desire to lift up everyone he comes in contact with - imagine what YOU could do if you chose to outgrow your problems! What's the problem you continue to bump into? The thing that's standing between you and the life or marriage you want? What's the thing preventing you from taking that next step forward? How could you approach it differently to maybe get different results? Leave your ideas in the comments!

I saw another heartbreaking announcement on my Facebook feed a few weeks ago. "If you haven't heard yet, my partner and I are getting a divorce…" This couple had been married for over a decade. They had multiple children together. The news, as it almost always is, was heartbreaking. For many divorce can seem to come completely out of nowhere. For others, it feels like it's a long time coming. And the first question people inevitably ask is "Why?" Why did it happen? Some people assume, "They must have had a terrible sex life." Other people guess, "They were probably struggling financially." Some even jump to the conclusion that there must have been an affair going on. "I wonder who it was…" But the reality is that money, sex, inlaws, poor communication… Almost all of these are just surface problems. It turns out that the REAL cause of divorce is something deeper. As a matter of fact, one study shows that over 80% of divorces can be attributed to one thing: I call it "Emotional Drift." Drift /drift/ verb 1. to be carried slowly by a current of air or water. The idea is that couples drift apart over time. Little by little their friendship fades. They stop making fun memories with each other. They lose interest in each other's lives and get distracted by their jobs, their children, finances, and other obligations. They stop being playful with one another or laughing together. They stop kissing each other. They stop holding hands, creating inside jokes, or having deeply meaningful conversations. They stop relying on each other. They are more critical, less patient, more judgemental, less empathetic. And over time, the current of life slowly pulls them away from each other. The reason couples can't can't navigate the struggles of finances, sex, parenting or anything else together is because… well, they've emotionally drifted apart. They're not in sync. They're not together. They're not attuned to each other's emotions, needs, thoughts, or desires. If you truly want to prevent divorce, you need to be like a pair of otters. Otters often sleep while floating in rivers and oceans. The reason they don't drift apart from each other? They stay connected. [OTTER GIF] Otters know that when they hold hands, they can rest comfortably… because when they wake up, their partner will be right there next to them, whether the current is calm or chaotic. Here are 5 things you can do to prevent Emotional Drift from ever destroying your relationship: 1. Ask Better Questions Stop asking questions that can be answered with only 1 word! How was your day? How are you feeling? What do you wanna do? Gross. These questions don't help you stick together, and defeat the dreaded "Emotional Drift." Just nix them from your vocabulary! Instead ask open-ended questions like these: What's something you've been worrying about lately? Outside our family, who is the most important person in your life right now, and why? What was the most exciting/frustrating/interesting/hilarious part of your day today? They'll give you a window into your partner's life, and help you stay connected, and enamored with them! 2. Create Cool Rituals Legendary marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman says, "It's the small things done often that make the difference. Most people live lives centered around rituals of convenience. You always take your phone into the bathroom with you when you poop. You wear the 3 or 4 outfits over and over even though you have a closet full of different stuff. You wash our body in the shower in the same order every day… because it's just what you do. But something amazing happens when you get intentional with your habits and rituals. What would happen if every time you took your phone into the loo, you texted your partner something you loved about them before checking Instagram? How would life be different if every day after brushing your teeth, you wrote a love note to your lover on the bathroom mirror? How would it be if every evening before taking your first bite of food, you shared a passionate 6-second kiss? It's the small things done often that keep you from drifting apart. 3. Be a Safe Space To Land In her book on affairs and infidelity, "Not 'Just Friends,'" Dr. Shirley Glass says the first warning sign that your marriage might be in trouble is that you're keeping secrets from each other. People keep secrets for lots of reasons. It's hard to share something with your spouse when you know it will hurt them. One of the greatest gifts you can give your partner is being a soft place for them to land. Here's what that means… Tell your partner right now that no matter how painful something might be to hear, you promise to always receive it without flying off the handle, or an explosion of emotions. When you can absorb the impact of tough news without imploding or lashing out, your partner is more likely to share everything with you… even the hard things. Which means… no secrets… and no Emotional Drift. 4. Prioritize Together Time Married couple

Are you a problem-solver? When your partner gets upset or frustrated, or you get in a little tiff, do you go right into solution-finding mode? If you are, welcome to the club. I, also, am a problem-solver. It's hard to beat that feeling when you can make an annoying problem disappear. Unfortunately, our amazing problem-solving skills can be terrible for marriage. Research shows that 69% of conflict in a marriage is unresolvable, perpetual conflict. The kind of problems that don't go away… ever. Ugh! So dumb. So, if over half of your problems can't be solved, what the heck are you supposed to do with them? That's exactly what I talk about in today's podcast episode! But for those of you who like reading, and not listening, I'll clue you in. When you bump into unsolvable problems like: I'm an extrovert, she's an introvert I'm a neat-freak, he's cluttery I am a rule-follower, he's a rule-breaker I'm an early bird, she's a night owl I'm a saver, he's a spender Or any other marriage issue… I want you to do one thing before you try to "solve" the problem. Seek mutual understanding!When you get curious and seek to understand what's going on in your partner's head and heart during (or after) a time a conflict, the solvable problems almost always get solved, and the unsolvable problems get minimized. It's like magic! Start by saying, "Help me understand." Listen to your partner as they share their feelings. Repeat back to them (word-for-word) what you hear until they feel like you really get what's going on for them. Then switch roles. You'll be amazed at how NOT focusing on solving problems actually makes them go away. Try it out and let me know how it goes! -Nate P.S. Want to learn more about this? Check out Say What You Need To Say. It's the communication course I've been working on for the last year. The purpose of SWYNTS is to give couples everything they need to feel confident that they can handle any obstacle or trial life throws at them and still keep their marriage strong.

Today I want to teach you the most important lesson I know. I've written hundreds of thousands of words in my past emails and courses. I've probably said millions more words in my podcasts. And don't get me wrong, those lessons are all pretty good (if I do say so myself). But they don't mean jack squat without the lesson I teach in today's podcast. Knowledge is NOT power! Knowledge is the POTENTIAL of power. True power - power to change your life, your circumstances, your marriage, and your reality - comes through action. It's that simple. These emails that I send out on the regular, my podcast, my courses, my videos, the books you might be reading - they're all packed with insights. And gaining insights feels GOOD! It tickles that reward system in our brains. When I learn something particularly awesome, I always feel the need to pat myself on the back for how awesome I am. But being an insight-chaser doesn't magically change your life, or turn you into a better person! The magic comes from being an action-taker. Being an action-taker means you step outside your comfort zone to put into practice the things you're learning. It means you risk failure. It means you take chances. Insight-chasing almost always happens inside your comfort zone. Growth, progress, miracles, and results always happen OUTSIDE your comfort zone. So, my big question for you today is, "What's something you know you could be doing to make your life better… but you're not doing it?" And the followup, "When are you going to do it?!" Get committed today to turn your knowledge into power. Get out there and take action! Be an action-taker, not an insight-chaser. It will change your life. -Nate

I'm not a math guy. It's a lot like folding laundry. I'm not bad at it, but I don't enjoy it… like at all. But there's one math formula I can get behind. It's called the "Magic Ratio." (Listen to today's podcast on the Magic Ratio here!) If your ratio is on point, your marriage is almost guaranteed to be amazeballs. If your ratio sucks, so does your marriage. (It's not me judging you… it's the math.) Here's how it works. Several decades ago, Dr. John Gottman had married couples come spend a weekend in his "Love Lab." It was basically like the set of Big Brother… but with more science. They had cameras set up to record the couple's interactions. The couples wore heart rate monitors, and they had "jiggleometers" on the bottom of their chairs to measure how much they were fidgeting. They took urine and blood samples to measure their hormones. They even had one of those two-way mirrors with interns on the other side coding their facial expressions and body language. The goal was to gather as much data as possible on these couples. After studying these couples in the Love Lab over and over again for YEARS, Dr. Gottman found some monumentally life-changing things. One of them is called the Magic Ratio. He found that the happiest, most fulfilled, and most successful couples experienced an average of 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction. For every one criticism, tough conversation, or angry word, there were 20 smiles, kisses, compliments, encouraging words, booty-pats, winks, offers to help with chores, small gifts, back scratches, etc. And during times of conflict, that ratio dropped down to 5:1. Sure these couples get frustrated about whose turn it was to change the diaper, or whether or not to pop the zit on his back. But they still found ways to build positivity in their relationship with a comforting hug, a hand on the leg, or cracking a dumb joke to ease the tension. The most miserable couples? Their ratio was around .8:1. Now for the important question… if you had to guess what your ratio was, what would it be? 2:1? 5:1? 50:1? If it's under 20:1, I want you to set a goal for today. Make it a point to bump up your Magic Ratio by a few points. Send your lover a thoughtful text. Write them a thank you note. Offer to take care of their least favorite chore. Flirt with them… like the way you did when you were dating. Get that ratio up to 20:1, and see what a difference it makes. I promise you, it will be "MAGICAL." (They don't call lit the Magic Ratio for nothing!) -Nate

What would you do if you had to stand up and speak in front of 6,000 people without notice? Yeah... that happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at a conference, and the speaker, a very intimidating guy named Garrett White went out into the audience to do some coaching. (Save some veiny muscles for the rest of us, Garrett. Sheesh…) Anyway… I'm sitting in the audience, taking notes and minding my own business when suddenly Garrett is standing in front of me. He hands me a microphone and says, "Let's talk." So, without emptying my bladder (I'm proud of that), I stood up and introduced myself. He reached out and stroked my beard, something I only let my wife do… but how do you say no to a scary dude like him in front of 6,000 people? And then we started to talk. He asked me what I'd learned from his talk so far. Luckily I had been paying attention and I shared something that had hit me quite hard. I told him his talk made me want to die. But not in the literal way. I wanted to die metaphorically. I knew that in order for me to become the person I want to be - the person who will impact millions of marriages, lower the divorce rate, rid the world of mediocre love, and be the most kick-butt husband imaginable - it meant the person I am now would have to die off. Who I am now is not sufficient. Although I am making progress, I currently lack the necessary focus, commitment, knowledge, leadership, and fortitude to accomplish my goals. My ability to reach my goals in a shorter time span hinges on my willingness to kill off the parts of myself that I need to let go of to make space for the "new me" to come into existence. I'll be real with you… there's a lot I can let go of or "kill off." For starters, I tend to run away from my weaknesses… like budgeting, or anything that involves "processes or operations." I avoid doing things that scare me, like talking to strangers. Especially when I feel like those strangers have a higher "status" than I do. I sometimes choose to eat like garbage, and waste a lot of time in front of screens. I find it easy to point out the faults of others and I resist recognizing the faults in myself. And these are just the things I'm AWARE of! There are plenty of other things that need to "die off" that I'm blind to. It's easy to buy into the pop-culture narrative that you're "good enough" exactly how you are. Now, I do NOT want to perpetuate self-loathing. But the older and more experienced I get, the more I realize that the people who really make a difference in the world, in their communities, and in their relationships never feel satisfied. They are always looking for a new way to grow, a weakness to let go of, or a problem to solve. Check out today's podcast and ask yourself the question, "What part of me needs to die off in order to have the life I want?" The best lives are filled with 1,000 tiny deaths. Opportunities to let go, forgive, move forward, and be better. So yeah… I (more or less) explained that to Garrett. He didn't have much to say to me. He took his microphone back and walked back to the stage. I guess he saw that I'd learned the lesson. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Shoot me an email, or leave a comment if this created a shift for you! Are there parts of you that need to die off? If so, what are they, and what are you going to do about it? -Nate

Two years ago I hosted the first ever Utah Date Night. Hundreds of people showed up to hear some of my favorite relationship experts speak for a few hours. At the very end of the event we did a powerful activity. We had the entire audience stand up and dance to an amazing, upbeat song. They got their hearts pumping, and their adrenaline going. Then, we cut the music and turned on a romantic slow song. Hundreds of couples spread across the auditorium, hugging each other tight, and swaying to the music. Some of them started to cry. Others held each other more tightly than they had in a LONG time. It was an amazing, magical experience. The reason this was such a powerful emotional experience for so many is that we tricked their physiology! Many of these couples showed up feeling a little bored in their relationships. Others were feeling "stuck." A few even felt like they'd lost their mojo, or that the passion they once had had faded. When they all stood up and danced to the fast song, the music and the movement released endorphins into their brains. The very same kind of endorphins that they felt when they first fell in love. Then we had them hold each other close and dance to the slow song. And their brains released Oxytocin, the bonding chemical. We essentially simulated the physiological experience of falling in love. When I saw Tony Robbins speak a few weeks ago, he reminded me of the power we all have to alter our own physiology. If you're in a bad mood… If you're feeling resentful or angry… If you're bored with life… If you're feeling stuck, distant, or disconnected… Often times all it takes to change your mood is to change your physiology! Do some push-ups, take a dance break, go for a walk or a jog, lift your arms above your head and let out a primal scream, take 2 minutes and completely fill your lungs with every breath, take a cold shower… When you change your physiology, you change your emotions. When you change your emotions, you change your attitude and your choices. This is a POWERFUL tool that you can use to get unstuck in your marriage, and infuse it with passion and energy if it's feeling lifeless. Has your physiological state been reflective of a funk you've been in lately? Try this principle out… alter your physiology, and see how it changes your attitude and your emotions! -Nate

I want to tell you about this thing my wife does that gets me completely addicted to loving her. It gets me to turn off my phone and help around the house, be more empathetic and emotionally supportive, kiss her passionately every day, and buy her flowers, pick up her favorite drink from the store, and write her love notes. Sounds pretty magical, right? Maybe even a little hard to believe? That's what today's podcast is all about. (You can listen to it here.) The best way to explain what she does is to quote Myron Golden, a speaker I heard at a conference last month. He asked the audience, "Why does anyone do anything?" The answer? "Because they feel like it." When something feels good, we want to do more of it. Essentially, it all boils down to drugs. (The drugs in your brain, and the illicit kind as well.) The reason people do drugs is because it makes them feel good! Taking a substance like heroin, ecstasy, cocaine, or even alcohol releases a boat-load of reward chemicals into your brain, like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and norepinephrine. I'm oversimplifying the brain science here, but essentially, when someone does drugs, the release of these brain-chemicals is so POWERFUL that they will do ANYTHING to experience more of it. They'll stop eating. They'll stop sleeping. They'll even sabotage the relationships that mean the most to them. That's how strong these reward chemicals in your brain are! But illegal drugs aren't the only way you can get a hit of those reward chemicals. You get a similar hit from the reward-center of the brain when you accomplish a big goal, receive a compliment, serve someone selflessly, fall in love, or when you eat a really delicious meal. So… why do I help around the house, make an effort to be emotionally supportive, encourage my wife to spend time with her friends, buy her flowers, and kiss her passionately? I do those things because she is my drug dealer… My wife is really good at giving me what I need so that I actually crave investing in our relationship. She knows that if I do something she likes, and she can respond by releasing those reward chemicals, I'm gonna want to do more of that thing! She's making me "addicted" to loving her. That's #SCIENCE It's crazy what happens when you know how to get your partner "addicted" to your marriage. How would you feel if your partner would give up anything to make sure they're putting your marriage first? How would it be if they started looking forward to help you around the house without you even asking? What about if they started making decisions with regards to finances, or parenting, or in-laws based on the impact it could have on you? Now… think about what you could do to reward your partner for any effort towards those things, no matter how small. Give them a dose of those reward chemicals. Do this over time, and they'll get addicted to loving you just like I'm addicted to loving my wife. -Nate P.S. Do you struggle with planning cool date nights? I recently put together something to help you out with this. If you go to GetFreeDates.com, I'll send you a date-plan every week for 5 weeks. Each plan includes activities, links to cool products, treats, and conversation-starters to make sure your dates are creative, fun, and awesome! Ya' welcome. (Feel free to share this with your friends. The more awesome dates we can get people on, the better!)

Monica Tanner is the host of the "On The Brighter Side" podcast. She recently interviewed me for her Epic Marriage Summit, and it was a blast. Her passion for marriage is infectious, so I thought I'd have her on to tell you what she learned interviewing some of the top marriage experts around! Bonus? She's about to launch a 14-day "Complete Intimacy Challenge" You should check it out!

Pearson's Law states: "When performance is measured, performance improves. When performance is measured and reported back, the rate of improvement accelerates." We see people tracking, measuring, and improving their performance in business. We see it happening in sports. We even see it in government… although whether or not improvement accelerates is debatable. But why don't we see it in marriage? Probably because it's hard to measure marriage.

I just got back from the gym. Today's workout was TOUGH. My legs are wobbly. My lungs are burning. I have sweat dripping down my back. And I'm THIRSTY! Sometimes I forget my water bottle when I go to they gym. I leave feeling like my mouth is a desert and my tongue is sandpaper. Have you ever felt that way? It's like the only thing you can think of is how and where you'll get the next drink of water. It's a normal problem to have. Now, let's suppose you came home and you told your partner, "Holy smokes, I'm so thirsty!" Then your partner responds by turning on the garden hose full blast and spraying you in the face while saying, "You need more water! Open your mouth, dang it! I'm trying to help you!" As your partner borderline waterboards you, you get angry. You resist the water and think, "This is so not helping!" Or let's suppose you walk in the door, completely dehydrated and your partner rolls their eyes, pours themselves a glass of ice cold water and drinks it in front of you. "If you drank more water like me, you wouldn't be so thirsty. You always do this to yourself. You're never drinking enough water. It's no wonder you're always so thirsty. Drinking water is easy if you just put your mind to it… see? *gulp* AAAAAAAHHHHHH... Once again, not helpful. Not encouraging. This approach doesn't help you feel less thirsty. It just makes you feel guilty… or that your partner is a jerk. Or what if you walk in the door 99.9% parched, and your partner has a tall pitcher of water in their hand, and an extra glass. You say, "Oh my gosh, that water looks amazing. I'm so thirsty." And they respond, "You should be more prepared. You know after a workout you'll be thirsty. Go find your own water. I'm sick of sharing mine with you." They take a long draught while you lick your chapped lips. Ugh. These scenarios are making me even more thirsty! Here's my point. Sometimes our partners suffer and struggle. They walk in the door and they hope for some relief. The way you offer your support or help them alleviate their suffering has a HUGE impact on the quality of your marriage. Sometimes rather than helping them get what they need, we turn on the firehose and overwhelm them with solutions. Before they even get a chance to express what they need, we're slamming answers down their throats and emotionally suffocating them. Other times we punish them for struggling in the first place. We guilt them for allowing things to get to this point. We chastise them for not being smarter, or for not thinking ahead. We berate them for being thoughtless. And often times we become resentful. We abandon our partner to fend for themselves. We shut down. We create a barrier between us and our partner and leave them feeling lonely and overwhelmed in addition to "thirsty." So what's the alternative? How do you help your partner without making things worse? Here's a great recipe: Step 1 - Be Empathetic Before you can help your partner solve a problem you must understand what the problem is and how they're perceiving it. So, before you offer solutions ask questions like: This sounds really tough. How is this affecting you? What is your desired outcome? What have you tried? Then, listen for the answers. Repeat back what you hear so your partner knows you understand. Step 2 - Make an Offer Before just taking action, see if you can get your partner to ask for what would be the most helpful to them. Try some of these questions: Would you like some help? What can I do that would be the most helpful? Will you ask me if you need anything? I'm here for you. Step 3 - Show Up The last step is possibly the most important step for building a trusting, committed relationship. Show up the way you commit to show up. This proves you're a dependable, reliable partner. It creates a bond of safety and security between partners to be able to count on each other when things are hard. Whenever you commit to do something for your partner, do everything you can to follow through. Next time your partner is struggling with something, make sure you're not fire-hosing them, ignoring them, or hanging them out to dry. Be empathetic, supportive, and reliable. In what ways have you been less-than-helpful when trying to help your partner? What's your go-go bad habit? How can you be better about supporting your partner? Leave your thoughts in the comments. I read every single one!

1. You don't know how to find a good therapist When you're struggling in life with your mental health, with past trauma, or in your relationships, it's normal to hear the advice, "You should go talk to someone." The implication is that a therapist - any therapist can help. But searching for a good therapist is a lot like searching for a good doctor. You want to find someone who knows what they're talking about. You wouldn't go see a foot doctor if you had a sore throat. You'd be much better off seeing an ear, nose and throat specialist. Both are doctors, but only one has the knowledge and skill set to help you! Therapists are very similar. The very best therapists have a specialty. They've devoted the majority of their career helping a specific type of person navigate a specific type of problem. Not all therapists have experience working with couples. And not all couples therapists have experience helping people navigate sex issues, or betrayal in the relationship, or the unique challenges that come when you become empty-nesters. It's important for you to find someone who has some experience helping people through what you are currently dealing with. But more importantly… A good therapist is someone you can relate to. One of the number one determining factors of whether or not you'll get results from seeing a therapist is whether or not you get along with your therapist. (It's called "Client-Therapist Fit.") It matters whether or not your therapist "gets" you! And if you're a couple looking for a therapist, it's important that your therapist "gets" BOTH of you. It might take some time and research to find the right "fit." Which brings me to my next point... 2. Not all therapists are created equal Ever had a really bad haircut? I once had a barber who cut my hair while he had the hiccups… you can guess how that turned out. Or maybe you've had a Jiffy Lube experience like mine where the technician completely forgot to put the oil cap back on after my oil change. Not all barbers (or hair stylists) are created equal. Not all mechanics can be trusted to get the job done well. And not all therapists are good therapists. And not all therapists are honest therapists. Did you know a therapist doesn't have to go through any formal training to call themselves a "couples therapist" or a "sex therapist"? There's no title protection in the industry. So, it's very possible that a therapist who spends the first 5 years of their career helping drug-addicted criminals as a Social Worker, or teenagers with eating disorders could wake up one morning and say, "You know what? I'm sick of this. I need a change. I'm going to start treating couples. I hear there's good money in that." Then they can get on their website, or their LinkedIn profile and update their title to "Couples Therapist," and start seeing couples the next day. That's shady. And it's not uncommon. It's important that you spend some time shopping around for a therapist before you commit to one. Try to get a handle on their education, how they've treated similar clients in the past. Ask yourself if you could see yourself spending hours hanging out with this person. A great way to find a good therapist is to ask a friend for a referral. If they love their therapist, and you love your friend, there's a high likelihood that you'll love their therapist too. 3. People wait 6 years too long to find a therapist Research shows that the average couple waits 6 years after experiencing a marriage problem that makes them unhappy before they seek outside help. Six. Years. If you broke your leg would you wait 6 years before going to the doctor? If you answered yes, you deserve a spanking. That's NOT something to be proud of. One of the biggest reasons marriage therapy doesn't work for so many couples is because they wait too long! They go to therapy only when they are in the midst of a crisis as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage from impending divorce. Marriage therapists aren't miracle workers. I like the way my friend Maggie Reyes puts it: You can't un-burn a pie! If you burn a pie, and then you think, "I'll just take my pie to a professional pastry chef. They'll be able to help me fix it!" You are going to be disappointed. Even the best pastry chef in the world cannot un-burn a pie. If your "pie" (marriage) is burned, you have to start over. And it's your choice whether you start over with the same person, or not. If you're experiencing consistent resentment, frustration, and unhappiness in your marriage right now, it's an emergency. Do not wait 6 years! If you start looking for a good therapist when you really need one… you're too late. Most couples divorce because they were unprepared to deal with the challenges that came their way. If you want to have an epic marriage that withstands the test of time, start building out your tool belt now! Find experts and educational resources you trust. Find a therapist you relate to in case you ever need them. Talk to your part

Have you ever heard 3,000 people gasp at the same time? Back in September, I interviewed Drs. John and Julie Gottman in front of an audience of 3,000+ people. If you haven't heard of them, what Michael Jordan is to basketball, they are to . About 30 minutes into the interview John Gottman dropped a serious truth bomb. Some new research he's been doing has led to some findings that shocked the entire room. (Here's a link to that part of the interview.) John and his team were measuring stress hormones in the urine of young children. He found that kids with high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in their pee had parents that argued a lot. He then went on to explain that there's research that shows that children as young as 3 months old experience higher blood pressure when their parents argue in front of them! "The kids are carrying around their parents' conflict with one another." If your marriage is struggling it literally HURTS your kids. Why do I share this with you? I promise I'm not trying to guilt you. I know that there's no such thing as a perfect marriage. Not even the Gottman's have a perfect marriage. My hope in sharing this is to show you YOUR MARRIAGE ISN'T JUST ABOUT YOU! The quality of your marriage matters. It directly impacts the people around you more than you think! So, if your marriage is struggling… if you're feeling lonely, resentful, or burned out… If you're having regular arguments, you're not affectionate towards each other, or you don't feel like your marriage is THE priority to both you and your partner… It's a BIG problem! I have no qualms in saying it's an emergency. If your marriage is not in a good place it is actively hurting you, hurting your partner, and it's hurting the people you love the most. That's why I send out these emails! I want to show you the pathway to having a better marriage today than you did yesterday. Having an amazing marriage makes life so much better for everyone! I literally wake up every morning hoping to motivate you to treat your partner with more kindness and respect. To maintain healthy boundaries. To be the kind of partner that inspires the love of your life to be your best self. So take a few seconds right now (that's all it takes) and think about your marriage. Is it as good as it could be? How could you make it better - like right now, today? If the emotions in your marriage right now were as contagious as the chicken pox, what would you be infecting the people around you with? Connection, purpose, respect, love, encouragement, and joy? Or something else like stress, anger, resentment, apathy, anger, or contempt…

Flinching is kind of a strange phenomenon. It's not something you consciously do. It's an instinct. Your brain forces you to pull away from the thing that could cause you pain. A hot stove, a pointy needle, or a ball flying at your face… It doesn't matter what it is, if your brain senses it as a threat that could hurt you, it will do its best to protect you. Now, here's something most people don't know. Physical pain and emotional pain… they're processed in many of the same areas of the brain. And your brain tries to protect you from both! You've probably noticed the emotional flinch. You pull away from people when they say or do things that hurt your feelings, or make you feel bad. You create a safe, emotional buffer between you and them so that you can avoid getting hurt again. Sometimes you get hurt over and over by the same person. They may not be big hurts… But when you add up lots and lots of little emotional flinches caused by little hurts over a long period of time, you end up with a grand-canyon-sized chasm between you and the person inflicting the pain. Ever hear of roommate syndrome? Maybe you've heard people say, "We just grew apart."? This is how that happens. The only way to prevent it is to constantly repair the damage you do to your partner. Especially the small things. When you accidentally step on someone's toes in a crowd, you don't tell them to get over it. You simply say, "Ooops! I'm sorry!" Accidentally hurting your partner's feelings is no different. Apologizing doesn't mean saying you are malicious. It doesn't mean you did anything on purpose. It doesn't even mean you're wrong! Most of the time it's about taking a little responsibility, and being willing to see things from their perspective. "I can see how my tone could have been hurtful." "I totally get why you are upset that I didn't come home on time." "It makes sense why you'd be hurt by that comment, even though I definitely didn't mean it to be hurtful. I'm sorry." When you apologize to your partner for hurts that you cause them - whether intentional or unintentional - you are giving them the gift of emotional healing, and building trust and intimacy. If you're feeling distant right now, maybe there are some things you need to apologize for. (Or things you need to forgive.) Try it out… see what a difference it makes.

I still remember the thrill of scoring my first soccer goal as a kid. I felt a rush of endorphins and surge of confidence (which I severely lacked as a kid) as my team rallied around me and cheered! I remember running down the field holding up 2 fingers. My parents were on their feet screaming at the top of their lungs. It was an amazing feeling. I was hooked. I loved every aspect of the game. I loved playing it, watching it, coaching it. I even had a Brazil national team poster and a Mia Hamm door poster hanging up in my bedroom. I think everyone has a game they love… Is yours a sport like soccer, volleyball, or basketball. Maybe you're a hardcore board-gamer and you like staying up late at night playing Canasta, Pandemic, or Settlers of Catan (outlawed in our house because it always ends in a fight). Maybe you love playing video games, and your schtick is Lego Harry Potter, or Call of Duty… or Fortnite? (Please don't let it be Fortnite.) Whatever your game is, take a minute and think about why you love it so much. Is it because it's a great distraction from the stresses you've got going on in your life? Maybe it's a fun way to connect with the people you love? Or are you one of those super-competitive people (like my wife) who simply loves the feeling of crushing your opponents? Now for the weird transitional question… What if marriage was your favorite game? If you've never thought of marriage as a game, you're not alone. For most people, marriage feels like the complete opposite of a game… it feels like work. However, if you treat marriage like a game, it can change EVERYTHING for you. But you can't play "marriage" like you play most of your favorite games. Winning at marriage requires you to shift your thinking. You see, there are two kinds of games: Finite games, and infinite games. Most of the games you know and love are finite games: They have known players (the people sitting around the table, playing on the field, or holding a controller that's plugged in (sorry little brothers around the world holding unplugged controllers, you're not a real player.) They have unchangeable rules that everyone needs to play by or the game breaks There is a clear end to the game, typically with a winner, and often… many losers. If you play the marriage game under the conditions of a finite game, you will likely end up competing against your spouse, blaming them for your failures, or treating them like your adversary. (This is something competitive people are particularly susceptible to doing.) This can lead to a marriage filled with resentment, loneliness, anger, and distrust. It might even result in divorce. If you want to play the marriage game successfully, you need to to approach it differently than you would a finite game. You have to treat it like an infinite game: In an infinite game, there are both known and unknown players The rules are flexible and can change at the players discretion The objective of the game isn't to "win" but to keep the game going - and make it so enjoyable for the other players that they want to perpetuate the game as well The most important and meaningful games you will ever play in your life are infinite games, like parenting, friendship, business, and of course, marriage. If you can learn to succeed at playing an infinite game, it will bring you SO much more long-term satisfaction than winning any finite game. Succeeding at an infinite game means you've learned to cooperate with the other players to create an experience that everyone wants to participate in. And when you play the game together it gives you a sense of meaning, fulfillment, and joy. Better than the last game of Monopoly I played that made me want to flip the table and walk away. Here are some strategies to help you succeed at the infinite game of marriage: Have an Inspiring Vision: At the center of every successful infinite game is a vision or cause that inspires people to join up and contribute their time, energy, and resources. The vision can be something grandiose like "solve world hunger." Or it can be something simple, like "Wake up every day feeling loved, cherished, and lucky to be married to your partner." I recently did a whole podcast on the importance of having ideal or a goal that inspires you as part of the Marriage Ecosystem series. A good vision will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It is something you want badly enough that you'll be willing to sacrifice and endure some pain to see it brought to pass. Now, think about your marriage… What's your vision for it? What kind of marriage would inspire you, motivate you, and make you excited to sacrifice so it could become a reality? Does it involve traveling the world together? Or maybe retiring by age 40? Maybe it's about leaving a legacy for your kids? For Ty and Terri, a huge piece of their marriage vision involved giving back to their community. They founded "The Hope Center for Kids" in Omaha, Nebraska. It's a place where underserved

Over the last few weeks I've been laying the groundwork for the Growth Ecosystem - the 3 fundamental principles you need to have in place to achieve your goals over the long-term, and experience explosive growth in your life (and in your marriage): Have a goal that inspires and motivates you (just like plants strive towards the sun). Surround yourself with a supportive and nurturing community (just like plants use soil to hold them in place during rough weather). Develop a system of regular accountability you can rely on to facilitate your journey towards your goals (just like plants rely on a steady supply of water… or they die). After nearly a decade of interviewing, studying, and learning from the top marriage experts on the planet, the Growth Ecosystem is what I believe sets apart the most extraordinary marriages from the ones that fail. It's not just about having a growth mindset! That's only part of what you need to create a life you love. You are limited by your mindset if you don't have an environment that will enable your growth. This idea of the Growth Ecosystem is at the foundation of everything I do here with the Growth Marriage. Every email send you, every course I create, every podcast episode I publish, every social media post I… uh… post… It's all in service to this mission: Can I help you get closer to the life and marriage you want? Can I provide you with an encouraging and supportive community? Can I help hold you accountable so you can accelerate your growth? So, here's 2 weird things about me… I think about my death a lot. I'm weirdly altruistic At the end of my life, I want to be remembered for being the guy who helped people have amazing marriages. I want that to be my contribution to the world. My legacy. That's it. It's literally what I think about every single day. With that context in mind, today's podcast episode is about something special that I've been working on for quite a while with my good friend, Laura Heck. It's called the Epic Wives Experiment. Here's why I'm excited about it. Laura and I talk to wives who feel overwhelmed, burned-out, and lonely nearly every day. Maybe you can relate? (I don't know about you, but when I got married, that's not what I hoped my marriage would feel like.) Ultimately, here's what we want for wives: We want you to feel cherished, loved and adored by your husband We want you to carry less of the emotional and mental load in your marriage We also want your marriage to feel fun, exciting, and flirty again Does that sound good? That's exactly why we created the Epic Wives Experiment. We see so many wives spinning their wheels, trying to get more done in less time, carrying the bulk of the responsibility for the quality of their relationship on their shoulders… and frankly, they end up burned-out, tired, and resentful. We don't want that for you. Most women do one of two things when they're feeling burned-out: Some women put on their super-hero cape and take on all the responsibilities they wish they had help with… even if it means sacrificing themselves in the process. Then they guiltily complain about a husband who isn't pulling his weight. The other group of women completely shut down. They turn off the physical and emotional intimacy in their marriage so they have the energy to do everything else. They pretend nothing is wrong, and accept this intimacy-free version of life as normal. I don't know about you, but neither of those options sounds very fun to me. So Laura and I have spent months creating an alternative. We've put together a series of powerful experiments for you to conduct in your marriage that are designed to get you more love, connection, and support… all while putting in less time and effort. Regardless of whether you've been married for 7 months or 70 years, you're going to wake up next to a partner who wants to contribute more around the house, free up your time, support you emotionally, and be excited about doing it! Maybe you'll even start to reconnect with that flirty… (and dare I say seductive?) side of yourself that might have gone into hibernation for a while. So, here's what you're gonna get when you join us in this month-long experiment: First, every week for 4 weeks you'll get a dynamite LIVE lesson developed by me and Laura. These lessons are jam-packed with the information and tools that most people would pay hundreds of dollars in coaching or therapy to get from us. Next, we're giving you 3 powerful experiments to test on your partner every week. These experiments will help you discover new and effective ways to create positive shifts in your partner's behavior. Third, we're going to give you access to our Epic Wives Facebook group where we'll be holding you accountable, answering any questions you might have, and celebrating your wins with you. (Do you see how we're giving you every piece of the Growth Ecosystem here? An inspiring goal, a community, and a system of accountability.) Now, those are the things that