Growth Marriage

6 Intimacy Skills to Transform Your Relationship Self Care – In any relationship, you are responsible for your own happiness. If you rely on others to fill your self-worth tank, you'll inevitably end up stranded on the side of the highway of life, broken down, frustrated, and alone. Rather than relying on others to fill up that love tank, take initiative and fill it up yourself. This means you must love yourself, not just with words, but with actions.Make a list of things that fill you with joy, energy, and happiness then do those things every day. Make them a priority. Whether it's sitting down to enjoy a cup of coffee, calling an old friend, writing in your journal, meditation or yoga, reading out of a good book, or some intense exercise, make a commitment to do the stuff you love religiously… make it as big of a priority as brushing your teeth – which you do regularly (I hope). Relinquish Inappropriate Control – Did you know that something as simple as telling a man he's doing something wrong – even when well-intentioned – can be incredibly emasculating? As a man, I feel a sense of pride when I can provide, protect, or otherwise take care of those that I love. Often times, correcting things (especially small things), make us feel like we can't do anything right. It's easy to feel defeated, incompetent, and worthless when you can't even dress yourself, or clean a mirror properly.Sure, many of you may say that I'm being over-sensitive. We men just need to "pony up" and "be a man" when it comes to taking criticism. Well, as a man, I'm telling you from the bottom of my heart: If you want more intimacy in your relationship, think before you speak. Your words can fill us up with courage, open us up to vulnerability, and give us the courage to slay dragons… or they can strip us of our confidence. The ball is in your court. Receive Graciously - When a man gives you something, whether it's a gift, a compliment, or some form of help, he's reaching out in an attempt to connect. It's a display of his love and care. A rejection or dismissal of his effort to bond with you are not only a rejection of the offer itself, but a rejection of his attempt to connect, and subsequently a rejection of him.Rather than play the "not good enough" card, thank him and tell him how much you appreciate him… because he thinks you're good enough, and sometimes that's all that matters. Respect – For this skill, I quote Mrs. Doyle herself. Her words are just too perfect: "Lack of respect causes more divorces than cheating does because for men, respect is like oxygen. They need it more than sex. Respect means that you don't dismiss, criticize, contradict or try to teach him anything. Of course he won't do things the same way you do; for that, you could have just married yourself. But with your respect, he will once again do the things that amazed and delighted you to begin with — so much so that you married him." Gratitude – Good men don't do kind things with the expectation of thanks, but honestly, nothing is sexier than a woman who regularly expresses gratitude… especially for the things that you don't expect them to be grateful for. When a woman expresses appreciation for something I did for them, it makes me feel like $1 million. It makes me want to do more nice things more often.Cultivating a habit of expressing gratitude every day will also put you in a mindset of looking for the very best things. When you see and recognize the best in a man, he will rise to the occasion, and become the best version of himself. Your gratitude has the ability to unlock hidden reserves of potential, intimacy, and overwhelming love. Vulnerability - A truly intimate and trusting relationship requires vulnerability at its very core. Getting naked emotionally with someone often requires a lot more of that trust than getting naked physically with them. Being vulnerable requires honesty and assertiveness, and responsibility. Merely expressing how we feel is now vulnerability. Rather than nagging or criticizing, state your desires. "I feel lonely," is far more vulnerable than "You never come home on time." "I miss you so much," is far more vulnerable than, "When was the last time you took me on a date?"Striving to come to the table palms-open to express your feelings and your needs is courageous… and this approach not only avoids putting men on the defensive, but encourages them to do what they love doing most: step up to the plate and make their women happy. Most of us do not realize how much individual power we possess to influence, change, and improve our relationships. We get stuck in the tedium of the day-to-day. We forget that little things can make an enormous difference. I hope you have the courage to give these 6 tips a try in your relationship… especially if you see it suffering.

One of the reasons Kiran and MeiMei have one of the most beautiful relationships I've ever witnessed is that they have both failed. Not only have they failed, but they've failed big! They have put their hearts on the line, and swung for the fences only to be met with rejection, or disappointment, or a big old strike-out. What they so desperately dreamed and wanted did not unfold the way they had envisioned. And yet, these big failures did not break them. Kiran and MeiMei choose to use their failures as catalysts for growth and learning. But using failure as an asset is not easy! It requires crazy amounts of courage, because failure is scary! It's this irrational fear of failure that most often stands in the way of our ability to fully live our lives and love others without reservation.

Patience: The Art Of Being OK Not Getting What You Want When You Want It I remember that feeling I experienced when I had to wait for each Harry Potter book to be released. For months, and even sometimes years, I'd be left on pins and needles, wondering what was next, who would die, and how Harry would defeat Voldemort. Kids now-a-days who get to read through the whole series without having to wait don't understand the months of anxiety and speculation and drama that preceded the release of each book, and the overwhelming joy that ensued when I finally got my greedy little hands on a copy. I experience similar feelings recently when I got introduced to Breaking Bad. It had been a long time since I had to count down months, then weeks, then days until the big finale. The waiting was almost torturous. I'd find a way to bring the series up in conversation at nearly any opportunity, and when people didn't know what I was talking about, I'd try to convert them. Harry Potter and Walter Wight… They have taught me the virtue of patience. Or at least that's what I thought. It wasn't until I met Roger and Judy that I realized the "patience" I exercised while waiting for cookies to bake in the oven is just a drop in the bucket compared to what is often required to experience a deeply loving and satisfying relationship… the kind of relationship that some people only dream of. When What You Want Means Waiting… Roger and Judy met in a very small town where everybody knew nearly everybody else. One day he walked into a hotel, and saw this beautiful woman with amazing legs answer the phone, and he was sold. He knew they had to be together. Over the next few months as they became fast friends, feelings began to develop. They wanted to be together, but Judy was already married. Her husband – a helicopter pilot – had been sent off to the Vietnam War and was proclaimed Missing in Action after he was shot down behind enemy lines. The military informed Judy that it was highly unlikely that anyone would survive a crash of that nature, but until they were certain, they could not proclaim her husband as Killed in Action. Their friendship grew as Judy overcame the hardship of losing her husband, and Roger patiently acted as a friend and support to her. Even when feelings began to develop between them, they exercised patience, and did not disrespect the vows Judy had made with her missing husband. Over a year later, Judy received confirmation that her husband had, in fact, been killed in action, which allowed for Roger and Judy's relationship began to progress into something more serious. Roger attributes this time of healing, and waiting, and building a solid, steady friendship as essential to creating a the strong, stable foundation their relationship now rests on. The care and love they developed for each other ran incredibly deep before they were ever romantically involved with each other. Their willingness to be patient added a whole new depth and dynamic to their relationship. Sometimes You Get What You Want… Just Not The Way You Planned After getting married, Roger and Judy wanted to have children. It wasn't long before they found out that they couldn't have kids on their own. Anyone who has struggled with this can attest to the fact that it is maximum suckitude. It can take a toll on a relationship. When people get married, nobody plans to not be able to make babies. It's not something you can anticipate. The realization can make a person feel empty and hollow. It can be incredibly overwhelming, emotional, and discouraging. But rather than lose hope, Roger and Judy decided to try for adoption. They filed their paperwork and began the familiar process of waiting. They waited for weeks. Then months. Then a year. They prayed. They hoped. They leaned on each other for strength. They practiced patience until their patience ran out… and then they practiced some more. Then, the call came, and they welcomed their first child into their home. In a matter of years they had 3 more children, all adopted, and all incredibly loved. What does it mean?! I guess the point of all this is that life just doesn't often work the way we expect it to. The plans we make for ourselves are often foiled by serendipity and happenstance. Our biggest struggles and unexpected challenges can lead us to our most satisfying victories. The longest waits often result in the greatest payoff. So, if there's something you're fighting for, or working for, or wishing for… hang in there. Be patient. Keep focusing on that goal. But don't forget to check your peripheral vision. Sometimes the answers we're most ready for aren't exactly where we expect them to appear.

Alicia and Peter were such a joy to sit down with and interview. Nate and I laughed so hard the entire time. That's the thing about incredible couples: when you're around them, you cannot help but feel more energized, alive, and joyful. It was clear from the way they gazed at one another and laughed together that they were completely comfortable being fully themselves around the other person. In essence, they brought out the best, most authentic versions of each other. That was the first lesson Peter and Alicia taught us: You know you've found a great partner when you can be completely yourself around the other person. This includes not just the positive range of feelings, but also the freedom to be messy, neurotic, and hurting. You're with your partner more than just about anyone else- and the only person you're with more is yourself. So, choose someone who embraces and catalyzes your fullest self. This isn't to say every second is perfect and you should never feel negative feelings in the presence of your partner. It just means you get through them more gracefully, because you feel like you have a teammate rather than an opponent. The second lesson we learned from these two: "Don't be weird." Just be yourself. If someone doesn't like you for the person you really are, they aren't for you. You don't need to do the robot. It also means you have to like yourself, though. Are you happy being you? How do people feel when they are around you? How others tend to feel around you a self reflection of the kind of person you are to others and how much you love yourself. Don't be weird about being your true self- even if your true self is super weird. And the third great takeaway from Peter and Alicia: "People put too much emphasis on things that aren't important, and too little emphasis on things that are." – Peter Make sure you're clear about and proud of your priorities. What's important in a relationship? What's really a big deal, and what isn't worth fighting over? Communicate clearly about how you feel, and be honest with your partner. That honesty, when coming from a loving, well-intentioned place, will make you stronger as a couple. Why? Because there's nothing quite like having a partner you can go through life with, knowing he or she accepts you, even for the things you're embarrassed to admit or afraid to share. That honesty equates to an undeniable freedom, and thus, a deeper love than you could ever imagine. Thanks, Alicia and Peter, for the great interview- and for making us laugh for over an hour straight!

Do you want your marriage to be rewarding, and happy for over 70 years? Reed and Allene have done exactly that. I believe their relationship has lasted so long, and been so amazing because they have stuck to some incredibly effective and simple (though not always easy) values throughout the entirety of their relationship. Here are a few things you should do if you want your marriage to last as long as theirs: Always Speak Kindly Of Each Other When Allene was younger, she had a speech impediment. Even though we can all admit that it's wrong to tease people for a stutter, or mispronouncing their "R's," we've probably all thought about it. (Ok, I've definitely thought about it.) But Reed's number one priority was always to make Allene feel good about herself. He never made fun of her for the way she spoke. He was always supportive and encouraging. "We make it a point to always speak kindly of each other." They don't gossip about each other. They don't call names, or say hurtful things. They know words carry weight, and you can't take them back. After 70 years of kindness, and compliments, it's no wonder they get along so well. Help Each Other Be At Their Best When Reed got the lead for South Pacific at the university he was attending, Allene said, "Aw, crap!" She knew this meant she that she had to sit in the audience and watch her husband kiss another woman… and do it convincingly. Rather than hold a grudge, or discourage him from pursuing his goals, she decided to help him be the best Emile de Becque that ever was. She helped him rehearse lines, understood when he had to stay late for rehearsals, and attended every performance. His success was more important than her discomfort. The tables were turned later in their marriage when Allene was asked to be the president of a local women's organization for her church. Her leadership role meant she would spend many hours and late nights worrying about, serving, and visiting the women in her congregation. It was a big investment of her time and attention. Rather than complain that his wife was away, or criticize her decision to take on so much responsibility in addition to raising their 7 children, Reed supported her, counseled her, and stayed up late to wait up for her when she was out dealing with unexpected situations. When we help other people achieve their goals and become their best selves, we do not lose anything. We gain everything. When Things Get Tough, Get To Work! At one point in their relationship, Reed and Allene opened a jewelry shop. The shop was robbed several times, and they struggled to pay their debts. Rather than complaining about their circumstances, blaming each other, or asking for a bailout, they went to work. They encouraged each other, took any opportunity that came along, and conquered their challenges head on… together. When things get hard, don't run away from each other, or push each other away. Instead lean on each other, and support one another. Kiss Get in the habit of showing your significant other how much you love them through physical affection. Hug them. Touch them. Hold their hands. Kiss them on the mouth. It's so easy to let physical intimacy grow stale. If you're feeling like things are getting dull, surprise someone with a bit of unexpected (and tender) physical touch and see what happens.

Imagine how it would feel to have the most important person in your life suddenly torn away from you without explanation. You are forced to sit and watch your soulmate deteriorate piece by piece as they slip out of your life. You hope and pray every day for a miracle… for just one more day together, one more kiss, one more smile, one more look of affection. Meanwhile, couples all around you choose to give up, throw in the towel, and abandon their relationships when all you want is one more day, one more minute with your true love. The unfairness is almost too cruel to comprehend. Heidi lost her husband, Benji, to cancer one month ago at the young age of 32. During that time, they learned to live in the moment, making the best of every day they had together. Fighting and arguing was a waste of time. During their marriage, the most serious disagreements Benji and Heidi ever had came were a result of differences of opinion on how to spend the money, or Heidi getting after Benji for being messy. Looking back, Heidi says she'd give anything to have to clean up after him again. Life is so incredibly fragile. We never know when the things or people most important to us will slip through our fingers. Here is my challenge to you: If there is something that is a source of contention in your relationship today – be it with your spouse, a friend, a parent, or a sibling – ask yourself, "If I were to wake up tomorrow and this person had been taken from me, would this issue matter at all?" Let go of petty differences. Admit you're wrong, even if you don't feel you're wrong. Say you're sorry. Fighting and arguing are a waste of time in this short life. Now go out and tell someone you love them.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

Most of us monogamous folks have hefty assumptions about plural marriage. Particularly in the case of polygyny (when a man is married to more than one wife), these descriptions aren't uncommon: Misogynistic. Exploitive. Unethical. Ungodly. Distasteful. Selfish. Sexist. But, how much do you know about it, really? How many of us have actually ever interacted with a polygamous family? (And, no, watching Big Love doesn't count). Growing up, polygamy was a concept semi-grasped intellectually, but I had no observational understanding of it. In doing my research to prepare for this interview, I came across this very interesting statistic: Globally, in a survey of 1,231 societies, only 186 were monogamous. Among the rest, 588 had frequent polygyny, 453 had occasional polygyny, and 4 practiced polyandry (when one woman is married to more than one husband at a time). (Source: Ethnographic Atlas) …That means only about 15% of societies are monogamous. This statistic alone raises a plethora of questions: Is polygamy the human tendency? Is monogamy the reason for our high rate of divorce in America? Are the reasons for polygamy around the world primarily economic? What does the Bible have to say about all of this? Is it more unnatural to be married to multiple people…or to one? There are so many more, and this interview only covers the very tip of the iceberg. But, what I can tell you about my experience during the interview is this: The Darger family had some of the most interesting things to say about love and marriage. Any assumptions I had going into it completely melted away within moments of sitting down with them. We were greeted with open arms and hearts. The husband, Joe Darger, said, "I feel undeserving of these three women." The wives, while admitting to struggles with jealousy, seemed to love not just their husband—but also one another. I listened to the pitter patter of their children's happy feet in the background (they have 26 kids in total, with 16 still living with them), and felt their warmth toward one another. Polygamy is, perhaps, uncommon and frowned upon by most Americans. But, it is also misunderstood. While my heart still desires a loving, monogamous relationship, I now have a deeper understanding of polygamy—and why some people choose it. No matter what your stance on the topic, give this podcast a listen. If you take away from it what I did, you'll come out of this episode with an appreciation of people who love differently than you—and a richer knowledge of what it means to love big, communicate well, and honor the commitment of marriage.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

Religions Preach Virtue… But Do They Do It Right? Most religions throughout the world ask their members to follow a model of sexual purity. The rules and consequences vary in their intensity from church to church, but I believe the overall intention is typically good and pure. However, anything – including good things – if taken to an extreme can be damaging. Self-confidence if taken to an extreme can become self-absorption. An optimist can quickly become unrealistic. Loyalty can become blindness. Honesty can become rudeness. Courage can become recklessness. Virtue and chastity, if taken to an extreme, also possess a dark side. When sexual purity is celebrated, sexuality tends to become demonized. Sex, and even feelings of pleasure, begin to be associated with extreme feelings of guilt and shame. People develop a fear of their own bodies. Misperceptions of Virtue = Bad Sex Unintentionally, we create a culture of unhealthy sexual beings. Religious individuals get married and are so scared of sexual arousal that they don't have sex for weeks or even months. Or, when they do have sex, it's associated with guilt and feelings of evil and darkness. Many couples never have good, enjoyable sex because they never explored their own bodies to understand what makes them feel good. Nor do they feel they have a right to feel good. Sexual pleasure has been portrayed as something evil. How sad that something so beautiful, and intimate – when taken to an extreme – can tear an otherwise healthy relationship apart. What Sex Should Be Sex should be something that brings couples together. It is the ultimate act of unity. It is foundation of the creation of family, and the most physical manifestation of love and vulnerability. Good sex requires work, communication, openness, selflessness, and a willingness to be in the moment and experience pleasure. If religious-types want to raise informed and sexually healthy individuals (which I believe most do), it might be time to reframe some of the ways we teach virtue and chastity. The following is a great start, developed by Kristin Hodson and Alisha Worthington, the guests on today's podcast. If you want to learn more about the BE HEALTHY process, and hear a bit more about how to find a healthy sexual balance for yourself, check out the podcast (at the top of the screen). BE HEALTHY Balance intimacy (physical, spiritual, emotional, sexual – pyramid) Embrace your growth edge (based on trust and Risk not safety) Have realistic expectations on range of experiences (how sex is like dining, good enough sex) Engaging your partner (being deliberate, increase the eros, flirt, desire to desire) Authenticity (be present in your sex—emotions, sensations – wanting to known and be known as you/they are) Learn how your body works and your partners (this also includes knowing your sexual history) Take time and treat it like a skill (schedule it – make it matter) Have conversation and negotiate You know best (sexual agent – trust your experience, not looking to other sources to be experts on you)

What Is Addiction? Whenever I hear the word "Addiction" I think of a junkie in the back of a dark alley shooting up, or an angry, violent husband who beats his wife, or a college student blacked out in a puddle of his own vomit. And yes, addiction is all those things… but it's not solely confined to those extremes. Addiction is a much more intricate, widespread, and personal issue than it is often portrayed. Essentially an addiction is an unnatural compulsion or dependency on a substance or action. One of the most widely-accepted myths regarding addiction is that it functions like a light switch. You're not addicted until you cross some ambiguous moral line, and then suddenly you find yourself on an episode of "Intervention." Suddenly, you're addicted. Addiction is not binary. It is spectral. Just like cancer, addiction can be mild or very extreme. The right treatment depends on the severity in each individual case. Addiction is not always debilitating. You can be addicted to alcohol without blacking out in a bathroom stall every weekend. You can be addicted to porn and only consume it once every few weeks. You can even be addicted to love, or kindness if you're using it as an emotional escape, or a coping mechanism to avoid your reality. (Don't believe me? Listen to the podcast above.) Addiction Is A Disease Addiction is a disease of the mind just like diabetes or cancer is a disease of the body. All too often, those affected by addiction see it as a harmful decision that just needs to be stopped with the simple choice to "not do it anymore." It's similar to blaming a cancer patient for not wearing sun screen. At this point, you can't un-choose something. You have the disease. The only cure is proper treatment. The best way to deal with addiction is to avoid blame and accusation. Instead, we need to promote education, empathy, love, and understanding. Otherwise, addiction will terrorize our relationships, and leave them an empty shell of what they had the potential to become. Twelve-step programs are an amazing resource for those with addictions and those people who are affected by addicts. Addiction affects us all.. and together is the only way we'll overcome it.

Holy crap we're talking about porn! Yup, Porn… that thing that so many of us quietly indulge in behind closed and locked doors. That thing that causes the hyper-conservatives to recoil in fear. That thing that causes religious leaders and mothers alike to shudder at its very mention. For many people, porn has become as much a part of every day life as a regular bowel movement. We sit in a darkened room staring at a screen, clicking a mouse, opening dozens of tabs. Buffering… buffering… buffering… Always on the lookout for that perfect scene. Watching for something new and exciting. Envisioning the ultimate erotic fantasy. People say looking at porn is completely normal. It isn't hurting anyone. I've been one of those people. I've been the lonely, depressed, or just plain horny guy who just needed a safe and private sexual outlet. I've been the guy who said, "I can stop looking at porn when I find a girlfriend or get married. No problem." I've been the guy who felt insecure, helpless, lonely and ashamed. I've felt unwanted because, as I've heard over and over and over in one way or another in my life, "Who would ever want to be with someone who looks at that disgusting stuff?" There are countless people who feel stuck. They're hooked and they don't even know it. Their only escape from porn is more porn. Thousands of wrecked relationships that are living proof that porn can be devastating to love. Nobody sits down to dinner with friends and says with a twinkle in their eye, "You know what? Me and porn, we have such a great thing going. I'm just really happy with our relationship. I think we're really going places." We have a problem. It's time to fix it. And to fix it, we need to be willing to talk about it and learn about it.

Jeff and Kelly are two of my best friends. They were in town last week and hinted that they'd love to be interviewed for the podcast. I'm so glad I got to interview them. One of my favorite moments in this conversation comes towards the end of the conversation. I asked the couple what they were looking forward to in the next 50 years of marriage. The entire conversation to that point had been dedicated to what they had learn, done, and accomplished together. I could see that the question took them a little off-guard. After a moment of contemplation, Jeff looked at me and said that what he was looking forward to most was helping his wife fulfill her dreams. The first several years of their marriage had revolved so much around his goals… grad school, moving around the country pursuing several different jobs, working long hours, etc. His desire is to make the next chapter about her. I love this for two reasons. It shows that a relationship requires both parties to be sensitive not only to each others needs… but their desires. When was the last time you asked the person you loved what big goals they hope to achieve? More importantly, what did you do to help them do it? It shows how important it is to grow together as a couple. If one person is consuming all of the resources and emotional energy of the couple, they are not growing together. If you are not sharing the big responsibilities of your relationship… at least a little (see: Jeff not being recognized by his kids then making it a priority to be home to help put the kids to bed) the relationship suffers. I love Jeff and Kelly, and I hope you enjoy their episode. (Sorry I montaged the first 2 minutes, Jeff. I couldn't help it.)

A man's wife undergoes brain surgery and emerges a completely different woman. (Her personality was altered.) Find out why he has chosen to stay with her for the last 30 years regardless of her becoming a completely different person than the one he married.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen. Recorded at the 24th of July Parade

True Love still exists...you just have to listen. Recorded at the 24th of July Parade

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

I recently sat down and had a chat with Maurice Millett. Maurice was married for 54 years. He got married to his sweetheart, Diane, when he was 19. He was so young that his mom had to sign off on the marriage paperwork for him. Recently, Diane passed away, and I asked him to share some of his experiences from his 50-plus years in a happy partnership. He was kind enough to oblige, and we had a pretty long conversation. I've cut it down a bit for time and focused on sharing his most relevant relationship advice with you all. Maurice and his wife were both raised as a Mormon (or member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) and raised his children as very active members of the church. It is very evident in the stories he shares that religion was a big part… if not the biggest part of their lives. To give you an idea of how their relationship was, take a look at the poem below. I copied it (with permission, of course) from a huge binder full of love poems that Maurice has written through their years together. It's obvious that he loved Diane 100%. And in this interview, it's apparent that she loved him 100%. This is the type of love I aspire to, and a story we can all learn something from. Summer, Winter, Good Times, Bad – Here's how I see the life we've had. I've loved each and every year since you became my bride. I love how you've supported me in everything I've tried. I love you in the morning, I love you every night. I love you even when Im' wrong, I love you when you're right. I love you when you're happy. I love you when you're sad. I love it when I know that I have somehow made you glad. I love your kind and generous heart. I love how much you care. I love my safe and welcome home. I love knowing you are there. I love you gave yourself to me without my even proposin'. I love the children you have borne. I love those that we've chosen. I love the greatest grandkids that any two could know. I love our years together as we have watched them grow. I loved you when we both were young, I love you now we're old. My youthful love was silver, now, my love is gold. -Maurice Millett

True Love still exists...you just have to listen.

The Loveumentary has been a project in my mind for a long time. For years, actually. And over the years, the project has taken many shapes in my brain. It evolved and changed and morphed. With each new iteration in my brain, I got closer to launching this idea to the world. The day after I published my first episode, I had a few close friends reach out to me and tell me how much they loved the episode. And then they gave me ideas. Feedback. Pointers. Advice. This was my project until I shared it. Now it's not mine anymore. It's ours. For the past few months, I've grown. A lot. I've grown emotionally as I've learned truths about myself through these real, honest conversations. I've grown in my ability to record and produce a podcast. I've grown as an interviewer, an artist, and a creator. What I didn't realize until having this conversation with Devin and Julia, is that all of this growth can only be attributed to you. Seriously. I can't be my best self in life (or create the best version of The Loveumentary) alone. I need others to share their perspective, their experience, their knowledge, and their encouragement to help me see and experience things that I would not otherwise have the capacity to see. A good partnership accelerates and encourages growth and progress. We cannot be at our best selves alone. Part of a truly loving relationship… at its core, is the ability to see your partner as presently perfect, but to hold a future vision. This conversation helped me realize that what I'm truly yearning for is to creating my life with someone who sees me and encourages me to live to my greatest potential. It's like finding a co-founder for life. This concept is the most appealing and compelling reason for me to look forward a relationship than I ever could have dreamed of. Commitment scares the bejeezus out of me (which is another post for another day), but the way Julia and Devin painted this picture, they lit a fire in my heart, and a desire to find a partnership like they have. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me. Big thanks to them for inviting me into their home, feeding me amazing food, and being phenomenal hosts and friends. This episode is just so so good! GAH!

Wherein four bachelors talk about love… a topic on which we are definitely not experts. We cover why it's important to know what you want and who you are before you can really fall in love. We talk about the simplicity of the concept of love, and how complicated it gets when you involve people. We crack jokes, get deep, and revel in awkward silences.

Vegor and Errin are two of my favorite humans on the planet. They are hilarious, and quirky, and not ashamed to be themselves… which is why they are such a perfect match for each other. In this episode, Errin and Vegor talk about the importance of being with someone who "gets" you. Someone who can be your best friend. Someone who understands and loves the way you see the world. I've spent many hours with Vegor and Errin, and it's so refreshing and entertaining to experience their friendship. They're like a well-practiced comedy duo full of pop culture references, dripping sarcasm, and kind-heartedness. Errin and Vegor also struggled with infertility for many years. Listening to the story of the time, effort, and pain they went through add their little daughter to their family was both touching and heart-wrenching. It's interesting to see how each couple in this series has their own unique struggle to overcome. Their own challenges to face. Each struggle is unique, and can only be overcome by two people coming together in mutual support for one another. It's a beautiful thing to face struggles with someone you love by your side.

Just a quick heads up, there are a few swears in this episode, and there is also light discussion around the idea that most romantic couples have sex. So if you don't like either of those things, this episode may not be for you. This episode with MeiMei and Kiran was recorded at The Bold Academy. The Bold Academy is the reason I've been MIA for so long recently… well, that and the holidays and a slight lack of motivation. This episode is a little different than past episodes because it was recorded in a classroom setting with 20 or so people in the room. So it's more of a discussion led by MeiMei and Kiran. MeiMei and Kiran are two amazing people. They are even more amazing together. You'll love hearing their love story… and you'll love even more hearing about how they keep their love alive. We also talk about when is the right time to leave a relationship, whether or not monogamy is a natural human tendency, open relationships, and a lot of other fun stuff! Hope you enjoy.

Neil and A. Rae have been through a lot. And when I say, "a lot," it's not an understatement. I daresay they've been through just about everything you can imagine… and they've made it out alive, and with smiles on their faces. The most touching moments in this podcast, for me, are when Neil and A. Rae talk about losing their son, and how it transformed their lives, and when Neil talks about how mistaken he was to believe that the single life is/was better than married life. Talking to A. Rae and Neil made me realize that I have a tendency to give up too easily on things that are important. True love is worth fighting for. It's worth enduring misery, and heartache. It's worth forgiving and learning and struggling together. Without the struggles, the mistakes, and the fight, love is weak… and it may not even be love at all.

When I first set up this interview through Alisa, I was excited to see what the marriage of a marriage therapist and dating coach would look like. I didn't know their backstory, their current situation, or even Eric's name for that matter. But I had heard a lot of what Alisa teaches, and I liked it. I was curious if putting her tactics into practice in a marriage would pay off. I figured the best way to find out was to talk to her and see. After spending well over an hour with them, I can tell you from my experience that it works. Although they are busy working and raising a family (Eric works as a fire fighter and running a business on the side, while Alisa acts as a marriage and relationship therapist and dating coach), their worlds are centered around each other. They have made an effort to understand each others love languages. They are kind and giving towards each other. They have fun together. They are still a couple, not just two separate individuals legally bonded together and living under the same roof. Eric and Alisa are a perfect example of what I would love to have in a relationship one day. I hope you enjoy their hilarious stories, and learn as much as I did from this conversation.

Cole, my cousin, and JaCee have been married for 9 years, and have three amazing kids. They were in town last weekend for the holidays visiting the family. I got to spend an entire day with their little family, and we had a blast playing games, reading stories, and catching up. After they left, I was talking to my Mom and she said, "They'd be perfect for your podcast, wouldn't they?" It was like she'd taken the words out of my brain. I tracked them down, and this interview is the result. What really impressed me with Cole and JaCee is how important their faith is to the success of their relationship. On the outside the have the image of this idealistic, perfect family. After talking to them, though, I realized that every couple – no matter how happy, how strong, or how perfect they are for each other – has their own struggles and challenges. In this interview, we talk about how faith and trust in one another is vital to a relationship, how JaCee and Cole deal with going long periods of time without seeing each other, and how they've battled pornography as a team, and how that battle has brought them closer together. Their love is a fairytale kind of love… but only because they make it that way. Love is an investment. You can only get something out of it if you put something into it.

On my way to visit Tommy and Jason in Salt Lake this week, I turned on my Beatles mix on my ipod. Right as I pulled off the freeway exit for their home, the song "All You Need is Love" came on. It played right until I pulled up to their doorstep. It was the perfect beginning to a fantastic interview. Tommy and Jason have been together for almost 4 years. Unlike Torben and Marissa from last week who have tons of things in common with each other, Tommy and Jason have fundamentally different personalities and interests. But as you'll hear in the interview, these differences have really helped to bring them closer together, and to understand themselves and individuals in a more complete way. In this interview, we cover the importance of continuous love and support, the ability to be vulnerable. We talk about the struggles a couple can face when family isn't fully supportive of your relationship choices, and how the state of limerence (or Twitterpation, as some call it) can be addicting, and prevent us from ever fully experiencing the fulfillment of investing in a long-term relationship. If you want to be part of The Loveumentary, or you know someone who might, please drop me a line here. The same goes for if you have any ideas or suggestions on how to make the podcast better. Here's a link to the intro and outro music for the podcast in case you want to check it out. If you like this podcast, it would mean a lot to me if you'd share it with your friends. Love you all!

Torben and Marissa are a pair of documentary filmmakers , jazz-music lovers, and insightful question-answerers. During our near-hour conversation together, we talked openly about the importance of honesty and vulnerability, and why it's so hard to have those two things in a relationship. They enlighten me on why a relationship (the right relationship) will actually help you grow and experience more, not less. We ponder on gender roles and traditions. And we discuss the interesting concept of power dynamics in a relationship… specifically why Marissa's healthy dose of "unimpressed" is what really helped Torben fall head-over-heels for her. The first time Torben and Marissa met, they ended up having a long and meaningful conversation. It was obvious that they had a connection. In a sense, they just "clicked." But that feeling of meant-to-be can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. It can create an expectation that things always have to be angel giggles and unicorn kisses as Torben explains: Having an amazing connection comes in tandem with the fear of losing it. And so that makes you behave in a lot of odd ways… at first we we were both experiencing it separately, and we thought that we were the only ones experiencing it. And almost as if we were to say it out loud, it would represent the ruin of our relationship. And at some point, that became the very thing that empowered the relationship, was talking about it. Talking about the good and the bad. One of my favorite parts of our conversation was listening to Marissa and Torben explain how they had to stop forcing themselves into roles that weren't natural or a good fit for them. They had to invent their own way to be happy in their relationship, and that meant throwing out some of the ideas of what they previously thought it meant to be married. When we first got married, we both had inherited certain ideas about what marriage looked like. What I was supposed to do. What she was supposed to do. Different gender roles. I was out dutifully working 2 jobs and going to school full time. Marissa felt like the pressure of keeping the house clean rested solely on her shoulders. We had to throw that out because it wasn't working for us. That's not who we are. We were unhappy trying to fulfill roles – trying to will them into being – when that's not who we are. I hope you enjoy this podcast as much as I did. I really appreciated how thoughtful and deliberate each answer was. It has helped me shift my paradigm. I have spent days mulling over the things I learned about how many of my own ideas of what I want in a relationship or even a partner might be completely wrong. Every day we get a chance to create the relationships and memories we want in our lives. The question is, "Are we willing to have the hard conversations, say no to the things that don't feel right, and love the people closest to us so that we can create that life for ourselves?"

Chandler and Candace have been married for 6 months, but I have no doubt their marriage will last a lifetime if they keep doing what they're doing. They understand that love is an investment. You must give something up… and sometimes the sacrifice is painful, but the return is unmeasurable. Talking to these guys helped me realize that a true friendship built on trust and communication is far more important than mere physical attraction. One day, our looks will fade, our bodies will deteriorate, and our minds will start to go… when that day comes, I can't imagine anything better than having my best friend at my side. I hope you love this episode. It was so much fun to record. Apologies for any wonky audio levels. I'm obviously still learning what the heck I'm doing.

Meeting with John and Hailey was a bunch of fun. They are fantastic human beings, and together make a fantastic couple. The day we did this interview was their 3-year anniversary from the day they first met. I don't think they've ever looked back since. The thing that I took away from chatting with these two is the importance that trust and understanding are in a relationship. It's not true love when you only love the good parts of someone. You have to love them in their entirety… warts and all.And likewise, to be loved, we must be willing to put it all out on the line. If we hold back and hide parts of ourselves from those we love, it's a sign of distrust. One day I hope to have the type of vulnerability and trust in a relationship that I know John and Hailey have. I admire their bravery, their selflessness, and over all, their love for each other.