The Jeselnik & Rosenthal Vanity Project

A young girl gets shot in the arm twice while waiting to take photo with the easter bunny, a man admits to putting his injured grandma in the freezer and leaving her to die and Seminary student dies in Jesus crucifixion reenactment. Time to clear out your winter bush and join the other 4 million men worldwide who trust MANSCAPED™ by going to manscaped.com for 20% off + free shipping with the code [JRVP]. Go to getroman.com/JRVP today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment Head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes. Visit ATHLETICGREENS.com/JRVP for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.

A Pro-life activist is found with 5 fetuses in her home, a southwest passenger was arrested for masturbating 4 times during a flight, and parents unplug their ring cam as a person keeps offering their 3 year old ice cream every night.   Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at Helixsleep.com/JRVP  Visit ATHLETICGREENS.com/JRVP for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Go to Diet Smoke.com and use promo code: JRVP for 20% off Visit thefreezepipe.com to check out these killer deals or use code JRVP for 10%, that’s thefreezepipe.com and code JRVP for 10% off  Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at AWAYTRAVEL.com/JRVP. 

A woman is hospitalized after refusing to fart in front of her boyfriend, a petting zoo camel kills two people, and a best man professes his love for the bride during his wedding speech. 

We have to start the show with the SLAP heard around the world. A Florida Man was captured on video molesting the family dog, an Arizona company is paying people to poop, and an elderly California man who hired hitmen to kill his wife's podiatrist after her death was found guilty of murder. Yikes. THE SLAP.    Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases at awaytravel.com/JRVP Trade Coffee is offering $30 off your first order. Go to drinktrade.com/jrvp and take their quiz to find coffee you love Visit athleticgreens.com/JRVP for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Sign up for FREE at ZipRecruiter.com

A rescue boat helps a couple and then shoots the man in self defense, a delivery driver is accused of dipping testicles in salsa and a "child expert" grants a dying boy's wish to have sex    Head to policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save. Visit athleticgreens.com/jrvp for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Right now Allform is offering 20% off all orders for our listeners at allform.com/jrvp Go to getroman.com/JRVP today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment. Save big by going to manscaped.com for 20% off + free shipping with the code [JRVP]. 

THE Pig heart man dies 2 months after transplant, a man in a porter potty is crushed by a bulldozer and a box of human heads is found in Denver.   Head to BlackBuffalo.com and use promo code JRVP at checkout for 25% off your first order. Right now, Freshly is offering listeners $80 off your first four orders at FRESHLY.com/JRVP. Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Athleticgreens.com/jrvp  Fill out your free style quiz at StitchFix.com/jrvp, and take advantage of free shipping and returns.   

A teacher left school on a stretcher after 5 year old's attack, a Texas Republican quits the U.S. house race & admits affair with former ISIS war bride, and a young man who allegedly let himself into his friend’s mum’s home and twice bit her nipple to try and seduce her has denied wrongdoing.  Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/JRVP.  Paint your life! Get twenty percent off your painting and Free shipping! Text the word VANITY to sixty-four thousand (64-000).  Coffee ALERT: Trade Coffee is offering a total of $20 off your first three bags at drinktrade.com/jrvp. That’s more than 16 cups of coffee for free!

Mail, mail and more mail. 

A Man dies after masturbating while driving and flipping his car over, a Finnish skier suffers from a frozen penis during a cross country event, and a teacher admits to feeding cupcakes containing husbands semen to students.           Visit athleticgreens.com/JRVP for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.Join the 4 million men worldwide who trust MANSCAPED™ by going to manscaped.com for 20% off + free shipping with the code JRVPGo to getroman.com/JRVP today, and if you’re prescribed, get $15 off your first month of ED treatment. This episode is sponsored by Allform! Go to allform.com/JRVP for 20% off all orders. Start your 100-day trial and shop the entire Away lineup of travel essentials, including their best-selling suitcases, at awaytravel.com/jrvp 

An 80 year woman old gets locked in her basement after a bloody intruder broke in and told her to take bath with him in her nightgown, a transracial influencer plans penis reduction to be "100% Korean" and a man sleeping with his sister, murders her after finding out she slept with another man.       Get 15% off your Codecademy Pro membership at CodeCademy.com, code JRVP Fill out your free style quiz at StitchFix.com/jrvp, and take advantage of free shipping and returns.  Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders at freshly.com/jrvp

A man repeatedly ran over and killed his friend with his car after fight about mayonnaise, Nick Cannon realized he was "out of control" after 8th child, and a worker was flattened by a steamroller in brazil. We list 30 things we love about Erica for her 30th birthday.    Happy Valentine's day! JRVP is brought to you by the freeze pipe! If you’re ready to take bigger hits without the chest or throat burn, go to thefreezepipe.com and use code JRVP for 10% off your next order.  Helix is offering UP TO 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/JRVP  Paint Your Life! Get twenty percent off your painting and Free shipping! Text the word VANITY to sixty-four thousand (64-000).  Athletic Greens is giving you a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.     

Kanye West is allegedly telling people "Pete Davidson has aids", a cat was kicked so hard his penis tore apart and a man being fired brings an emotional support clown to his last meeting.   GO TO keeps.com/jrvp TO GET YOUR FIRST MONTH OF TREATMENT FOR FREE. If you want an easier way to find the right jobs and connect with great employers, go to ZipRecruiter.com today to sign up for FREE. Sign up for FREE at ZipRecruiter.com. Once again, that’s ZipRecruiter.com. Get 15% off your Codecademy Pro membership at CodeCademy.com, code JRVP

Drop everything now, meet me in the pouring rain... Kid Rock has a new song out now. 

A man who had pig heart transplant is guilty of 1988 stabbing, a man  claims he lost 1.5 inches in penis size due to Covid and a model says Drake put hot sauce in condoms to kill sperm and not get trapped.    Visit ATHLETICGREENS.com/JRVP  for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. This V Day, it’s time to join the 4 million men worldwide who trust MANSCAPED™, the leaders in below the waist grooming with our exclusive offer - go to manscaped.com and use code [JRVP] for 20% off + Free Shipping.  Freshly is offering our listeners $40 off your first two orders at freshly.com/JRVP This episode is brought to you by Paint Your Life! Get twenty percent off your painting and Free shipping! Text the word VANITY to sixty-four thousand (64-000)

An arrested driver claims he didn't know a severed head and torso were inside his truck,  a Houston mom is accused of isolating her COVID positive son in the trunk of car and psychologists argue over whether to call patients "sluts".   Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com/JRVP  ZipRecruiter uses powerful technology to find and match the right candidates for the job. Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE at ZipRecruiter.com/JRVP    

A man drops used condoms into donation boxes and says he's spreading the message of Jesus, Alexa tells a 10 year old girl to touch a plug with a penny, and the Taliban orders shop owners in Afghanistan to behead all mannequins. Jason Derulooooo.  If you’re ready to prevent hair-loss, go to Keeps.com/JRVP TO RECEIVE YOUR FIRST MONTH OF TREATMENT FOR FREE. Visit athleticgreens.com/jrvp for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.

A Florida man with drugs wrapped around his penis deny they were his, a man is accused of killing his grandmother as she opened Christmas gifts and a woman kills her boyfriend with a sword on Christmas Eve. We give our top 3 book, album and movie recommendations of the year. Goodbye 2021!  Right now, Dad Grass is offering our listeners 20% off your first order when you go to dadgrass.com/jrvp  For a limited time, you can get 25% off and zero delivery fees on your first order of $15 or more, when you download the DoorDash app and enter code JRVP.  

Demi Lovato sings to ghosts to help them overcome sexism, rampaging monkeys kill 250 dogs in revenge massacre and a robber held up a bank but deposited the money in that bank’s ATM outside, in his account.    Today's episode is brought to you by Fight camp! Go to JoinFightCamp.com/vanity  Today's episode is brought to you by Allform. Get 20% of all orders allform.com/JRVP Head to BlackBuffalo.com and use promo code JRVP at checkout for 25% off your first order. Visit athelticgreens.com/JRVP for a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.

A Michigan woman tried to hire an assassin using a fake website, another woman dies after being injured by a "comfort animal” and an Italian Bishop ruins Christmas by telling kids there is no Santa. 

Motorcyclists remove their dead friend from his casket for one last ride, cash is scattered across the highway, and a headless body falls out of a cannibal's car after a crash.      Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com/JRVP. JRVP listeners can get their first month of treatment for free by going to keeps.com/JRVP.  This episode is brought to you by Zen Business. Get started today for as low as $49 at zenbusiness.com/JRVP.  Paint Your Life! Get twenty percent off your painting and FREE shipping by texting the word VANITY to 64-000 Dad Grass is offering 20% off your first order when you go to DADGRASS.COM/JRVP

Kim Jon Un bans leather jackets so people can't copy his look,  a 'Squid Game' smuggler is set to die by firing squad in North Korea and an adult model shoots herself in her vagina while filming for fans.      This episode is brought to you by zip recruiter. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com/JRVP. This episode is brought to you by Paint Your Life - Text the word VANITY to 64-000. Get 20% off + Free Shipping at MANSCAPED.com/JRVP.This episode is brought to you by Fight Camp. JoinFightCamp.com slash VANITY

A professor of "Happiness" locks his child in a dog crate and beats his wife, a singer peed on an audience member during a concert and an 11 year old girl got gonorrhea from a hot spring. 

A Man gets eaten by piranhas and drowns in lake while escaping a bee attack, a man in upstate NY bursts into flames after being tasered and a woman is held hostage by a sword wielding man in Utah.     

A wife was shocked to learn her husband's cadaver was dissected at a pay per view event, a woman got a massive back tattoo of her boyfriend one week before they broke up, and a man's penis rots after being bitten by a snake while sitting on the toilet. 

A Man is on trial for castrating men in his kitchen, an Ohio Dad has shot his son who wouldn't stop playing guitar, and a school district offers an apology after photos of students giving lap dances to teachers surface online.  

A woman has a baby with a sperm donor instead of her boyfriend, a man is arrested for kissing unsuspected sunbathers butts, and a man is covered in poop after a passing plane. 

A house where a teen brutally murdered his mom and sisters has a graphic halloween display, a man was indicted for swinging a machete during an argument and a New Zealand city wizard was taken off payroll. 

It's amazing that this is even getting posted right now. 

An Alabama man was found sleeping in a press box amidst chicken fingers, candy and meth, a drunk man joins a search party looking for himself and a man dressed up as a ninja attacked special ops soldiers. 

A Man poos out of his privates and ejaculates from his bum due to rare condition, a haunted house actor stabs an 11 year old in the foot while trying to scare him and some gorillas surprise some on lookers at the zoo.     

A teen gets a USB chord stuck inside his penis, a Texas mother interrupts a school board meeting to talk about anal sex and a woman finds out after 9 years that her gynecologist is her biological father. 

What is your favorite bodily function? A Utah woman gets scammed into shaving her head, two teens are caught twerking and kissing on a dementia patient and a rapper surgically implanted gold chains into his skull. 

A man tosses his penis out a window during a police car chase, our favorite pansexual body builder is back, and a woman is found guilty after hiding 26 kids behind a false wall at a daycare facility. 

A Russian man mistook a man for a bear and killed him, a zoo banned a woman for having an affair with a chimp and a man died after gluing his penis shut because he forgot a condom. 

Paw Patrol the movie is out now! Would we host jeopardy? A Zambian pastor died after being buried alive for three days, a man killed his grandma with a piggy bank and a Canadian soldier is in trouble for giving pot brownies to troops during a live fire exercise. 

A Florida mom was shot by a toddler live on a zoom call, a woman marries a man convicted of killing her brother and three brothers die after passing out in a manure pit. 

Two brothers hit and killed by train at a memorial for their third brother hit and killed by train. 

Matt Damon stops using the "F" slur, an aunt drives a car for a year with kids stuffed in the trunk and Canadian authorities mistake a woman's body for a mannequin and toss it in the dumpster. Yikes. 

An 18-month-old floats out a mile into sea, a man nearly masturbates to death, and some parents are disgusted about a rainbow reading monkey actor.

Athletes at the Olympics are sleeping in cardboard anti-sex beds. A student uses a Hitler quote in his yearbook and a Florida Bath & Body Works thief uses bear mace to attack people at a mall. 

The World's first elderly sex robot is created with wrinkles and grey hair. A man is bitten by his neighbor's escaped python while sitting on the toilet and a hot California correctional officer sentenced for "depraved" sex with inmates. Oh and Juvenile creates a banger, "VAXX that thang up" for a dating app.

Mailbag - but voice memo style. 

A fan causes a horrific tour de France crash, a woman claiming to have 10 babies is caught lying and a redneck rave ends in impalement. 

SEAWEED IS DEAD. 

Anthony almost got scammed - if it weren't for Gregg and Erica yelling at him before the show. We'll all have diarrhea after this episode. 

We're all playing checkers while this woman in the storm drain is playing chess. 

Anthony, Gregg and Erica are in person for the first time in months and hilarity ensues. It's Rummy's Gotcha day! 

It's all elbows and eyes on this week's episode of JRVP. A cop mistakes a 2 year old's ashes for meth, the M&M store is held at knife point, and a dead body is found inside a dinosaur statue. 

Gregg and Anthony talk about their week and what they've been up to. Anthony talks about comedians pitching their cities for him to move to and Gregg needs some help with getting his daughter to like fresh air. Eric Andre once set off fireworks on Anthony's set and he talks about if he was really mad before getting to the headlines of the week. A two year old shot both of his parents, a woman faked a wedding, and Bill Gates is on the market. 

Anthony and Gregg are together again to talk about how Gregg is too old to sleep over at a party and Anthony's getting back into standup. Anthony asks how Gregg totally fumbled Mother's Day and gives some advice as to how he should have handled it. Anthony talks about reading and writing comics before getting into some light, airy headlines like a boy hit to death over a cheesecake, a youtube video about Euthanizing a dog going viral, and a woman running over graves and trying to hit people with her car at an ex boyfriend's funeral. Choo choo!