The Baggage Reclaim Sessions

Have you ever experienced stonewalling in a relationship (or possibly engaged in it yourself)? In another episode about understanding and improving communication in our intimate relationships, Natalie breaks down stonewalling including delving into three common scenarios: Shutting down expressing of feelings, thoughts and concerns. Using stonewalling and silent treatment to communicate displeasure or be punitive. Stonewalling and then blindsiding with a breakup. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie talks about why not knowing what you want doesn't have to mean something terrible and why it's going to be tricky to listen to what you want if you're not listening to and meeting your needs. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Meeting someone new sometimes causes us to become preoccupied with answering the question 'Are you trustworthy?' When things are going well in an area of our life, this sometimes also causes us to wonder 'When are things going to go wrong?' Natalie talks about the anxiety of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Something that makes so many of us nervous is navigating conflict within romantic relationships. Natalie revisits her five stages of relationship framework to explain conflict and how it's part of deepening intimacy in relationships and becoming more self-aware. *Please note*: The correct date for the New York workshop mentioned in the episode is May 24th not 23rd. Doh! Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Some people feel confused, angry and hurt when their relationship doesn't work out because they believed that the person 'should' have delivered because of self-care practices they engaged in. Natalie explains why just because someone journals, meditates, goes to yoga or therapy, it doesn't mean that they're super emotionally intelligent, really good at relationships or, yes, 'better' than you. Instagram | Events | Blog| Membership

Have you ever freaked out about something, noticed that you are, continued to freak out somewhat, but then calmed down? That's what happened to Natalie recently when her daughter had to prepare for five exams in one day. She shares lessons from that experience, including why we panic about "failing" at a decision and this notion that our younger self had to get everything "right" for us to have a good life today. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Texting anxiety has become increasingly prevalent over the years. Between read receipts, being able to see if they're online or when they were last online, seeing someone type and then pause, and seeing their likes on social media while you await a reply, it's pretty easy to destroy our inner peace. But what about when you're experiencing this while dating? Natalie explains why we drive ourselves crazy over strangers and why we have to use the recognition of our anxiety to change our relationship with texts and dating. Instagram | Events | Blog| Membership | How To Say No ebook

Trying to get something or someone to live up to the picture we painted in our mind can be a great source of hurt for us humans. It's something we have to strive to do less of to heal, grow and learn. What Natalie highlights in the first episode of 2020, though, is how part of what keeps us stuck in this disappointment cycle is that, sometimes, the very people who can't or don't want to meet those expectations *still* want us to continue expecting. Why? Because they benefit from it. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie gets ready for her Christmas break and the new year and decade ahead by sharing her thoughts on the gift of acceptance. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

So many people wonder if they're in the right relationship, but plenty wonder if they're in the right job. Given how much time we spend at work, it's understandable that disillusionment or uncertainty about it can significantly impact our sense of wellbeing. Natalie takes a deep dive into the subject of work, including what causes us to question whether we're in the right job in the first place and the signs that suggest that we're not. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

In the second of this two-part episode (part one), Natalie shares ideas for breaking the cycle of comparison. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Do you feel inadequate around certain people or suddenly feel as if your life that you're normally happy with is like poop beside theirs? Do you come away from using social media feeling really low without realising it? Is there a persistent feeling and belief that you're not 'good enough'? These are all signs of comparison, something that all humans do but that we're often unaware of how much and how damaging it can be. In the first of this two-part episode, Natalie breaks down comparison, including sharing her own recent experiences of it. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

All humans desire acceptance the most, but a hell of a lot of us are scared of the real us being rejected and so we struggle to be ourselves. But this always leads to problems. Natalie shares lessons she's learned from spending the last few months conducting an experiment on being even more herself in a particular area of her life. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Have you given you a hard time about interested in something or someone that turned out to be wrong for you? Or, has someone's change of interest in you or a relationship left you baffled and hurt? In this week's episode, Natalie explains why it's time to rethink our attitude to interest and recognise that interest is a hypothesis that we can learn from so that we can be more us and choose the relationships and things that reflect this. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

If you've ever been self-critical because you're stressed or feeling overwhelmed or low-energy, it's time to pay attention to these messages from your life. Natalie talks about the importance of recognising that we're stressed and over our bandwidth without having to burn out or melt down. Instagram | Events | Blog| Membership You Tube episode about mental health and black women

Tend to be hard on you and, for example, struggle to ask for help, feel like a burden, feel guilty for saying no, being you or having boundaries, or feel as if you parented your parents, raised your siblings or brought yourself up? There's a reason for that! Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

When we think that we (or others) are 'damaged goods' because of what might be a lack of relationship experience or time spent in unhealthy or unfulfilling relationships, this dents our confidence, limits our options, but also creates unnecessary judgement. Natalie offers up a different perspective on what the experience on our proverbial relationship resume means (and doesn't). Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

What's the similarity between engaging with an ex who didn't treat us very well, feeling burnt out and resentful after taking on extra work, and deliberating about or regretting something that we know isn't/wasn't a fit? They're all things that we've done or are contemplating doing *because* we perceive them to be "opportunities". Natalie breaks down why we need to be more discerning about opportunities, including sharing some tips on recognising when something *isn't* the opportunity we think it might be. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Do you hoard, clamp, shoot, get chatty, deny/mask or cry when you need to deal with uncomfortable feelings. Natalie follows up on the previous episode about why we don't talk about our feelings by sharing six key ways we express (or don't express) our feelings and how to evolve our habits. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Expressing our feelings, not just to others, but also to ourselves, is crucial to our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing as well as to the health and wealth of our interpersonal relationships. So, why then, do so many of us have a pattern of not expressing our feelings? Natalie explores these reasons and more in this episode, plus in the follow-up episode next week, she'll get into the practicalities of talking about our feelings and evolving our relationship with our emotions. Instagram | Email | Events | Blog| Membership

When people ask or expect you to do something, or you're wondering whether there's a boundary issue, do you question whether you are being fair and reasonable in wanting or needing to say/show no? Or do you struggle to work out whether *they're* being unfair and unreasonable? If so, help is at hand. Natalie breaks down how to figure this out by acknowledging the context including your bandwidth, feelings, what's being asked/expected, and how they're going about things. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

If you've ever played matchmaker and had it backfire, or you've felt confused after being set up or recommending somebody, today's episode is for you. Natalie delves into some of the assumptions, biases and judgements that impair our judgement and shares tips for removing blind spots and enjoying more successful outcomes. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

How do you feel when you realise or sense that someone doesn't like you? If intrusive thoughts about this have popped up more than you would like and even kept you awake at night, you are far from being alone. Natalie shares some of the reasons why humans dislike each other. She also talks about why not being liked bothers us so much, how we are often most bothered when it's someone we don't like or when we don't feel that we've 'earned' their feelings, and she also shares some questions for self-exploration and moving forward. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie does a quick catch-up before going on her summer break until September. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

If you hardly knew somebody and something felt off, would you dismiss what you were sensing, seeing or hearing, or would you pay attention? Well, if like so many of us do, you ignored you, you're not alone. If you get niggling messages from within but dismiss them because they don't make sense or are 'inconvenient', you're definitely not alone. Natalie talks about how turning 42 and leaning into her forties has caused her to double down on listening to herself and shares ideas for tuning in. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

So many people experience shame around having needs, which is like being ashamed of breathing! Natalie delves into emotional needs and the importance of being our primary caregiver. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Ever had somebody say something to you that *seems* like it's supposed to be taken as a compliment, but it's totally not? Or, have you been in a situation where someone's making sly digs under the veneer of a smile or being helpful? In this week's episode, Natalie delves into put-downs and how to handle them from an assertive place instead of putting you down in response. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Many of us have some level of fear of being alone, and when this drives us, it leads to some pretty painful and dubious choices. Is being with ourselves really that bad? Natalie delves into alone versus lonely, why alone doesn't equal 'unloved', and more. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

When things don't go according to plan and we feel baffled by someone's behaviour or the outcome, retracing our steps will inevitably reveal the slippery slope that we were on with our boundaries. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

There are 5 stages of relationships, and stages 0-1 set the foundation for what lies ahead (or doesn't). Natalie talks about the parallels between dating and job searches and how adopting a recruiter mindset keeps us grounded during these crucial stages so that we can be more discerning and set ourselves up for being available for the type of relationship we say that we need and want. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie explores why so many of us don't realise that the pressure we feel to be or do certain things isn't always about what we actually want. Often it's about what we think we're supposed to want because we're, for example, approaching or in our forties, are a woman of a certain age, or because it's what our parents told us was the way life works. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

When Natalie had to train for the 2018 London Marathon in less than four months, it didn't take long before she realised that she was employing lessons she'd learned from doing No Contact and her initial struggle to create healthy boundaries. If you battle an inner critic that encourages you to do stuff only to switch things up and scare the bejaysus out of you about those same choices, or you wrestle with perfectionism or backtrack on changes you've decided to make because of the discomfort you experience, this episode is for you. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

How good do you feel about yourself and a relationship if it feels like you had to campaign or even hound your partner into committing? Yeah... exactly. Natalie talks about commitment-resistance and why it's time to stop trying to drag commitment out of people. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Do you know the difference between empathy and overempathy? Well, if you feel as if you've been burned by rescuing or helping, or you've stayed in situations long past their sell-by-date, it's time to discover the difference. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Have someone's lies baffled you because you thought that it was so ridiculous or unnecessary or that it was undeserved given how much effort you've put in? Has discovering a white lie caused you to question your future with someone because of how honest you believe you to be? Do you find it really triggering to be lied to, or to try to be honest with others? In this week's episode, Natalie delves into the topic of lies, including what motivates us to lie and why we sometimes need to check ourselves when we're insisting that we "never, ever lie". Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Do you know where you learned your break-up habits? It's safe to say that it wasn't on the curriculum at school. Old memories and associations, especially ones we may have long forgotten, along with underlying concerns about avoiding things we fear or dislike, contribute to how we respond to being broken up with or us ending a relationship. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

For many of us, the idea of willfully crossing somebody's boundaries sends a shiver through us. In fact, we'll often cross our own boundaries to accommodate those of others! But some people just don't give a fiddle about other people's boundaries, something we'll often blame ourselves for. Natalie explains the reasons behind their boundary aversion. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

A key factor in people feeling stuck in a painful situation or stuck obsessing about what went down is an extended period prior to the events of being starved of, for example, attention, affection, connection or intimacy. In this episode, Natalie explains The Lean Period and how being activated and then eventually hurt and disappointed leads to the loop of entitlement that creates stuckness. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Many of us find it difficult to let go of past situations whether it's about our actions or those of others. It's not that we don't want to per se, but our confusing relationship with forgiveness, including believing that it presses the reset button, actually gets in the way of us moving forward. Natalie talks about what letting go truly means. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie talks about blind spots and why we've got to stop clinging to assumptions about what a relationship-worthy person looks like (hint: it's more than "charming, good-looking, smart") or them claiming that they're in therapy, meditators or working in a particular profession. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Ever felt as if you did wrong by asserting a boundary because the other party didn't respond positively or you didn't get what you wanted? Well, having healthy boundaries isn't the problem, and in this episode, Natalie explains what's really going on in this situation. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

It's been two years since Natalie's father passed away. In this week's episode, she talks about how grief, something that we go through when we experience any form of loss, not just bereavement, grows you... whether you want it to or not. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

So many people who have a frustrating pattern are unaware that they're driven by negative and contradictory associations with love, relationships, success and being more of who they really are. In this episode, Natalie talks about why fear of sacrifice, loss and being trapped are so prevalent in our experiences. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Did you know that three days before Natalie met Em, she broke it off with a guy that she'd been dating for three weeks? She would have finished it sooner had she not doubted herself and listened to well-meaning friends who told her that she was being "hasty" and "picky". In this episode, Natalie talks about why loved ones give bad advice and why we don't have to go along with it to spare their feelings. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

A challenge that often presents itself while dating is the struggle to stay hopeful and grounded while pursuing our need or desire for a relationship. Natalie talks about the key sources of anxiety and why, ultimately, 'efforting' isn't going to control (or change) the time frame or what prospective partners do so we might as well get on with the business of being us and living. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Does someone really need to do the equivalent of giving us a one-star review by going out of their way to make us aware of their dislike of us? Do we need to let our ex know that we're "over" them? Why did they put themselves on Tinder right after they made plans to move or be away for some time? What's the craic with people doing us wrong and then saying "It hurts me more than (or as much as) it hurts you"? And why are we saying that it's wrong that the relationship with the person who didn't treat us very well has ended? These are just some of the things that make Natalie (and others) go hmmm. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Are you feeling typecast by your experiences and pattern? A role is a job or function that we take on within our interpersonal relationships in order to 'be good' and 'help out'… even if what we're doing is harmful instead of helpful. In this episode, Natalie breaks down why we play particular roles including sharing 60+ examples and why roles, ultimately, sabotage intimacy as well as our potential and purpose. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

When you go on dates or are in a relationship, who is it that shows up? Is it you, the whole you and nothing but you? Or, is it your representative, the persona you send out that's a glossier or more watered-down version of you that you think does the best job of selling you as future partner or spouse material? Natalie talks about the perils of letting your 'dating and relationship self' overshadow the real you. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

What do you do when you feel as if you've failed at something? Shame you? Shrink into yourself and isolate? Pick you apart in an attempt to figure out what's wrong with you? Turn your failure into a secret that you need to cart around in your emotional baggage? Natalie shares why she won't be doing any of these things and uses a recent experience and its parallels with dating and relationships to reframe disappointment, rejection and loss. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership

Natalie explores our reluctance to so much as tidy our emotional baggage and shares a quick exercise that highlights where we can make space for more of the things we want to be, do and have. Instagram | Events | Blog | Membership