Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal? TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary? [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction? [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it. [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing. [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do? [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do. [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place. TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it. TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again. [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’? [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice. [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out. [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support. [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history? [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what? [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple. [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…? QUOTES: “I didn’t know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What’s the impact of you living authentically? It’s one thing to be sad about the life you had, it’s another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we’?”

Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again. TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on? [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you’re going to war. You’re no longer in a time of peace. [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn’t get divorced and that is not the same. [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won’t be able to help you with that. [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change? [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it’s important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can’t be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true’ persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Doctormoniquethompson.com/ Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples QUOTES: “If you’re choosing to stay, you’re choosing to go off to war. You’re not at home during peace time.” “Sometimes, people really didn’t choose to stay, they just didn’t get a divorce. That’s not the same.” “I ask couples if they are willing to set a peace treaty down for a period of time to be able to begin the work.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps. Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally. TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook? [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it’s accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy. [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie? [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they’re also reliving it? [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma? [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame. [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It’s important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really? [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing. [50:20] What books should you start with first? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjamiemarich.com Drdansiger.com Traumamadesimple.com QUOTES: “There is not a separation between trauma therapy and 12 Steps, and Buddhist practice. It all goes together.” “Hurt people hurt people, but how I really like to reframe that is trauma is this phononym where you can bleed all over each other.” “Yes I am responsible for adult behavior but I am not a bad person. I wasn’t responsible for what happened to me, but how I learned to adapt and survive, I am responsible for.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal? [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe. [7:25] What do couples complain the most about? [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don’t understand the internal errors that they’re making. [15:25] What happens if you’re stuck in a relationship ‘role’ that you don’t like? [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why. [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin QUOTES: “There are cultures where it’s emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don’t understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love. TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let’s talk about conflict in a relationship. [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important’? [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up’, so it’s important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship. [9:25] Someone might be something you’ve always wanted, but they’re also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don’t want’. It’s important to navigate through that. [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love. [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously? [23:00] When you’re in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way? [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It’s a team sport. [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you’ll make mistakes, you won’t be perfect, but you will get better at it. [33:30] How do you have agreement when there’s been a betrayal? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other’s Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you’re a human primate, you’re going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we’re still accountable if we’re going to play fair and work together.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Jay and Larry, two men in recovery, to help people understand that addiction is a lot more complex than it seems on the surface. The opinion you have of yourself can keep you stuck in destructive patterns. It’s so important to consciously put yourself in healthy and positive environments, like in a recovery or group program, if you ever wish to break free from the power of addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Larry had this internal dialogue going through his head, “This is just who you are.” [3:20] Larry’s wife found out about him acting out at least 4-5 times. He shares how it completely tore her about. [6:55] Larry didn’t realize all of his lies were causing his wife PTSD. [7:25] If there was anything that Larry could change, it would be to tell the truth and to tell it faster. [8:45] Jay was living in a fantasy world and he didn’t realize it was destroying the people who loved and cared for him. [13:05] Why did Jay go to a residential program? Wasn’t group therapy enough? [15:45] Jay was able to prove through actions that he was taking his recovery seriously. [18:00] Larry’s experience with Dr. Rob was life changing. [22:15] Mentorship is a very important piece to recovery. Jay has taken this on as part of his recovery and healing journey. [24:00] When you lose trust with the people you love, then you lose what really defines the relationship. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “What other people don’t know won’t hurt them; is probably the biggest lie in addiction.” “I would think I was telling the truth, but I wasn’t. I’d change a slight detail.” “A residential program accelerated my recovery. I was surrounded by people who were experts in the field and at the same time I had peers who made me feel safe.”

Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn’t fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction. [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn. [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife’s problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay’s first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn’t he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn’t stop. [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers. [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn’t sustain it. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “I tried to do this on my own, but it wasn’t until I got group therapy where I was able to get through my shame.” “Just going to a weekly meeting wasn’t enough. It wasn’t working. I was in a state of denial.” “I never realized what I was doing was part of an addiction. I thought I was just being a guy.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma. [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma? [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with. [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn’t technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person. [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group? [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality. [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means. [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy? [23:30] With the internet, you’re just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn. [31:05] Are you sure you don’t need help? Remember that denial is the enemy. [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it’s not the spouse or children’s fault. [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When our family [appears] perfect or you don’t talk about it, we don’t learn.” “Nobody comes to treatment to grow personally. People come in because they’re in crisis.” “We adapt to situations that are intolerable when we love somebody.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. What happens to these children when they become older? Should children know about their parent’s substance abuse and sex addiction issues? And what should adult children be aware of now that they’re no longer in an alcoholic home? All these questions and more are answered on this week’s podcast. TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] A little bit about Gary and his work in the mental health field. [5:55] Why did Gary pursue this work with adult children of alcoholics? [12:00] What are the symptoms of these adult children who grew up around or in alcoholic homes? [16:30] Why was there such a need for young adults of alcoholics to have a rooms program? [21:10] Addiction is a family issue. No one is truly suffering alone. [22:20] Gary shares some of the people he admires over the years that have done great things in this field. [24:30] In the early days of these adult children of alcoholic conferences, it was the first time some of these people could voice their pain and hurt with others who also understood. [25:20] Addiction is passed on generationally. It doesn’t just stop at the addict. [30:10] Remember, going into rehab is only the beginning of your rehab journey. [31:25] Gary shares his own personal experience with addiction and recovery. [37:25] What does recovery mean to Gary? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn QUOTES: “John Bradshaw brought to the public consciousness the idea the dysfunction is not just in the addict, it spreads to the entire family.” “Addiction is really a family affair.” “For every addict, there are 3, 4, 5 people who are deeply affected.”

Dr. Rob invites Spiritual Counselor and Pastor, Jason Swilling, on to the podcast today. Jason works with Dr. Rob at the Seeking Integrity clinic. It doesn’t matter what religion you believe in, or do not believe in, this is a great podcast episode for anyone who wants to understand their connection to a higher power and what that might mean for you. It doesn’t matter if you are Muslim, Christian, or even an Atheist, Dr. Rob and Jason have some answers for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] A little bit about Jason and how he found Dr. Rob and his clinic. [3:00] Although Jason studied Christianity and comes from that background. How does he work with people of other faiths? [5:55] How does Jason help people work with some of their regrets and the things they did that went against their religious and moral beliefs? [7:40] It’s not about failing God, it’s about failing yourself. [11:05] How do you find your way back to God/religion? [17:25] What about the people who do not have any religion or faith? How does Jason navigate that? [18:00] In the 12-step program, you need some kind of faith. How do atheists manage or stay sober? [23:20] It all comes down to your connection with others. Unfortunately, a lot of religious communities have forgotten this aspect. [29:20] Dr. Rob feels like a lot of people are not welcomed in their religious communities and people then feel compelled to hide their shame and imperfections. [35:15] As you share your secrets in a safe community, people in recovery get to experience something really beautiful for the first time. [39:25] Your recovery program works if you work it. Jason is proof of that. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “The spirituality of 12-step recovery is all inclusive. There is no discrimination against certain religions.” “Often times a spirituality of a person is that it’s just me and God alone. I can take God off the shelf and I can put God on the shelf. And usually I put God on the shelf whenever I act out.” “I have friends who are atheists who are long-time sober and don’t believe in God. Religion or any of that, is not necessary to work the recovery program to stay sober.”

Dr. Rob joins this week’s podcast in a solo episode to talk about the concept of forgiveness. The truth is, there is no true deadline or timeframe as to when you should forgive someone for all the hurt and damage they’ve caused you, so how do you move forward? Dr. Rob shares the stages of forgiveness and offers context and support on why you might still be resentful and/or revengeful towards the person that hurt you the most. TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] How do you forgive someone you do not trust? [3:45] Many people believe they don’t think they could ever forgive or forget the damage their addict has caused them. [4:20] Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. [9:30] Other people were able to see it, so why couldn’t you? Dr. Rob shares why. [13:20] There are many stages of grief and we can flutter in between each of them back and forth. [17:15] You have the right to be upset! You have the right to be furious! [20:20] No one is truly ready to forgive. You can’t just say ‘now is the time’. [23:30] How do you not hold a grudge/be resentful when your addict is on their path to recovery? [28:15] If someone doesn’t want to act with empathy and to think of the other person, then they shouldn’t be in a relationship. [33:00] It’s so attractive and validating to want to punish your addict for all the transgressions they’ve done to you. [36:10] What are the stages of forgiveness? [37:35] You can get stuck during the forgiveness process. This isn’t an easy thing to do. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “The whole idea of forgiveness creates conflict within us because we feel we need to reach a ‘certain point’ and at that point, we’re ready to forgive” “A lot of us struggle with forgiveness because, in part, we blame ourselves. We say, ‘We should have known.’ and that’s when forgiveness becomes complicated.” “There’s a great reality of this loss and its effects. We can’t deny them, we can’t push them away, and we can’t say to ourselves ‘it’s time to forgive’.”

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction. [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it. [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory. [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability. [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again. [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake. [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done? [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com Shifting Criticism guide Empowered Relationship Podcast link Dr. Jessica Higgins Website QUOTES: “There’s an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it’s counterintuitive. It’s going to create a false sense of trust.” “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn’t think about how much I really needed you. You didn’t open up to me and I felt alone.” “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It’s not that you make a mistake, it’s you going back and saying you didn’t do that right.”

After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica. [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal? [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed. [10:35] It’s a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity. [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger? [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner? [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me? [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they’re teaching the other person a lesson. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “A lot of spouses are looking for a guarantee. What you’re doing [today] isn’t really real and I want you to prove it.” “There is a part of me that really wants to trust you and feel like I’m not managing you.” “There are 350 definitions of forgiveness. There are some nuances and it can be hard to pin down what you’re dealing with.”

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra’s book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship. [4:35] What should couples do when they’re in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances? [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing? [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money. [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish. [18:45] What’s Debra’s new book about? [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Debrakaplancounseling.com Financialtherapyassociation.org QUOTES: “If there’s been infidelity, secret keeping, and lies around money, absolutely seek help.” “I had to say no to something I wanted and every time I saw that [dream] car in the street, I feel bad, but I did the right thing.” “You don’t have to be talking about money, you can be talking about ‘coupleship’ like raising your kids, but money is the biggest one.”

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life? [7:20] What’s so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents? [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries. [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it? [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did. [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what’s a normal sexual experience. [30:35] Children aren’t stupid. They know what’s going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father’s anger towards the sex addict. [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems? [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He’s Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman’s parents.” “It’s always the parent’s job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.” “Your children are not your children. They’re life’s longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.” “88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent’s sexually addicted behavior.”

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week’s episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure’, and so much more on this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part. [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts? [11:40] Why can’t you cure addiction? [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They’re ‘white knuckling’ it. [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another. [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction? [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it’s based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results. [36:25] There’s still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss DoctorHiggins.com QUOTES: “The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.” “We all strive to make our lives easier.” “We now know we can change the expression of genes. That’s so powerful. We can make changes in someone’s life.” “No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.”

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they’ve suppressed and compartmentalized. TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can’t they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don’t want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you’ve relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict. [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family. [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people? [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it’s equally important to understand how it’s happening and how to stop. [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it’s natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem. [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “I’m an addict and I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.” “One of the things I see betrayed partner’s looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they’re still assholes.” “Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why’. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.” “We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.”

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career. [4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood. [7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance’ addictions exist? [9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible. [10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn’t click on the same addictive apps over and over again. [13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction? [16:00] It’s easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions. [18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge’ on movies or ‘be addicted’ to video games. [22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won’t consider a gaming disorder. [25:40] What is an FMRI? [27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn’t exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means. [29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “Someone’s life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we’re having an anger point with consequences, it’s societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It’s very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about how betrayed spouses can take care of themselves, especially if their addict is not showing up in a way that they need to. They also answer a question from an emotional man, who has been in recovery for the last two years, and use it as a showcase on why recovery really does work when you put in the work. When you commit 100%, you will see the results. TAKEAWAYS: [:45] My SA husband never wants to have sex. What gives? [6:10] As a betrayed partner, you need to do self-healing work. Your partner has lied to you for over 2 decades. [7:20] It’s common for addicts to gaslight you and confuse you whenever you stand up for yourself. [10:25] My betrayed spouse doesn’t seem as invested in this recovery journey as I am. I am trying my best, what can I do? [13:10] I’m interested in taking the Out of the Doghouse course. When does it start? [15:50] I’ve been in recovery for two years. I’m more emotional than ever, and my wife thinks this is strange. How can I help her understand what’s happening? [20:30] ADHD and addiction? Is there a connection? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you’re struggling with a substance problem. TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug’s wife stay by his side? [2:10] This is an illness. [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again. [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so. [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict? [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What’s it about? [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility? [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility? [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.”

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he’s currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public’s perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we’ve undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who’s been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades? [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict’ had a willpower issue. [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising. [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat’, where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that’s one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma. [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem? [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people? [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem. [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time’ in his adult children’s lives? [28:50] Doug’s DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There’s so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn’t have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we’re unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.”

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy. In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach. Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can’t seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more. TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up? [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times. [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset. [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal. [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression? [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you’re nowhere near forgiveness? [25:45] You don’t need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it. [27:45] If you’ve been betrayed, please consider therapy. [33:10] What do you do if your family members get angry for you? [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain. [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Crystalhollenbeck.com QUOTES: “It’s normal to be angry, but you can’t hurt yourself for somebody else when you are angry.” “Sometimes anger can be very non-productive.” “No matter how much you’ve hurt him back, it’s not going to make him understand how much he’s hurt you.” “Forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting.”

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it’s possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating. TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn’t actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why. [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They’re look for reasons to stay with you! [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity? [14:25] Every partner feels like it’s their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home. [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn’t cheat.’ That’s a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support. [17:20] Crazy is your new normal! [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend. [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go? [31:05] What is disclosure? [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner. [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship? RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “All your betrayed partner is looking for is reality, is for clarity.” “When a partner of 30 years hears that you’ve been cheating for 25 years. It’s not going to go well.” “Why would you have sex with a sex addict if you don’t trust them?” “The truth is, the more they know, the less it will hurt. What your betrayed spouse wants is honesty!”

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman’s mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met. TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy. [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment. [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn’t your fault? [14:55] Why doesn’t he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn’t work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner’s trust? [29:45] Remember, when it’s all about you, that’s not empathy. [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper. [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences. [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “No man I’ve ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you’re doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you’re saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we’re sitting here actually saying, ‘you don’t matter.’”

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward. TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children. [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed? [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved’ really feel like? [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don’t deserve it. [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks. [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It’s okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs. [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help. [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed. [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You’re not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can’t survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.”

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it’s possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you’re not a bad person. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself. [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking? [10:45] Young children don’t understand what’s going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings. [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family? [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed. [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out! [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there’s something wrong. [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don’t even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “We’re not bad people, we’re broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn’t matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use? [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated? [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix. [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush. [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that? [18:35] How can you change the behavior? [19:45] It’s important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like. [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can’t quit eating altogether. [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like? [24:40] Addiction feels great but it’s a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It’s an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that’s why they seek external ways to cope and escape. TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans’ considered porn? [9:10] If you’re using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it’s not ‘porn’, then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What’s the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem? [13:55] It’s not about how much porn you look at, it’s about what it does to your life. [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference. [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem. [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness. [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone. [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography? [33:15] If you’re looking at porn, chances are you’re also looking at victims of sex trafficking. [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon! RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it’s easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you’re still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they’re using porn. Life is going bad, they’re using porn. The sun is up, they’re using porn. The sun is down, they’re using porn. That’s an addict.” “As addicts, we’re afraid to be vulnerable. We’re afraid of rejection. We’re afraid that if we know the real us, you’ll run screaming.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of? [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity. [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism. [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers. [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle. [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present. [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers’, they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions. [16:10] As long as you’re oblivious to the pain you’ve been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you’re causing others. [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can’t afford therapy? [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he’s a part of to help others. [24:15] Don’t have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they’re 4 or 14. That’s one of the ways we don’t get an understanding of what we need.” “It’s never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don’t mean to be.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction. [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped. [6:10] Addicts aren’t bad people, they’re broken people. [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior? [9:10] My addict is sober, but they’re still a jerk. What’s going on? [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill? [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself. [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability? [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose. [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better? [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to. [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What’s the difference? [28:15] So many people aren’t taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense! [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can’t sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn’t the only piece. It’s the whole presentation that you’ve been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I’m a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

In today’s episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy. TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn’t work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why. [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero’s journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they’re these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you’ve been in a good relationship, then there’s obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I’m not condoning it or saying it’s right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that’s what we have to look at.” “You’ve got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you’ve put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”

Dr. Janis Roszler is a licensed marriage and family therapist, board-certified sex therapist, registered/licensed dietitian, master-level addiction professional (MCAP), and award-winning medical media producer. She is currently an instructor at the International Institute of Clinical Sexology and has a private therapy practice in Miami, Florida. In this episode, she talks about intimacy more than just being sexual. She shares seven different types of intimacy that don’t necessarily lead into the bedroom and the value of taking time off from being sexual with your partner. TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] A little bit about Dr. Janice and where she and Dr. Rob got connected. [3:35] Intimacy is not only sexual. Dr. Janice talks about the other seven types of intimacy. [5:40] How can affection be different from the affection you have for a friend? [7:25] Dr. Janice also shares what physical activities partners can do together that are not sexual. [10:45] What is spiritual connection? [11:30] Dr. Rob shares what intellectual connection means for him and his husband. [12:25] Another way to connect is social. Dr. Janice explains further. [13:20] Emotional connection is when you share your feelings about something. Dr. Janice talks about “I” statements when sharing your feelings. [16:05] These other areas of intimacy can help you grow your sex life. Dr. Janice explains how. [19:20] Can people with differences come together in a passionate way without disagreement? [23:20] Relationships are not magic. Dr. Janice shares the ups and downs of her 40-year marriage. [26:15] Sensuality vs sexuality. Dr. Janice tells the difference. [29:45] How do you get to sex by not having sex? Dr. Janice talks about the value of couples not being sexual for a period of time. [30:33] Addiction vs yearning. How do you differentiate the two? [35:33] Dr. Janice summarizes the eight types of intimacy and how to use them to connect with your partner. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dearjanis.com Dr. Janis’ Books QUOTES: “Intimacy is not only sexual.” “We’re talking about building the wealth of friendship, not just sexual partners. But we hope that the person you are involved with is also a friend with whom you have a deep connection with.” “Esthetic connection means that you view something of beauty together. You experience it at the same time.” “You’re not blaming, you’re not saying ‘Look what you did’, you’re just sharing your feelings. And the thing with feelings is that they are never wrong.”

Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron are both the Founders of Trauma and Beyond Center, based in Los Angeles. They provide outpatient trauma programs for trauma, mental health, and co-existing disorders. They have written a book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook, to help people ask reflective questions that allow them to go deeper to heal some of their trauma. In this episode, Lynne and Dr. Joanne go deeper on the impacts trauma really has, how it shows up in addiction, and so much more. TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Why did Lynne and Dr. Joanne start a trauma center? [5:50] How do you define trauma? [8:40] Our first relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. [10:40] Dr. Rob has seen a lot of trauma survivors who have taken on addiction as a way to cope with their past. [11:40] One of the best defense mechanisms a child has is to numb themselves and disassociate from their feelings. [13:10] Children end up blaming themselves, instead of their parents. They feel like they’re responsible for ‘all the bad things’ happening to them. [14:10] What type of therapists should trauma survivors be looking for? [16:35] How can people heal their past when they don’t even remember? [21:30] Whenever we are dealing with pain, it compounds because we use the past as a reference. [27:20] We unconsciously match with other people who have similar attributes to our own dysfunctional families. [30:35] Lynne and Dr. Joanne talk about their book, Intergenerational Trauma Workbook. [33:10] If we have unprocessed trauma, we will unknowingly pass it on to our children. [37:10] We all make mistakes and learning how to apologize, forgive, and recover from those mistakes is an important part of life. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Traumaandbeyondcenter.com Drjoannebarron.com Recoverypsychology.com Intergenerational Trauma Workbook by Lynne Friedman-gell and Dr. Joanne Barron QUOTES: “So many clients suffer from developmental trauma and they don’t even know it, and there’s no place for them to go.” “Our earliest relationships set up a template of what we’re going to expect in the world. We develop a tolerance for [bad] behavior and see it as love.” “As you get older, the way you respond to life and the problems you have, are causing more and more pain.”

Ken Donaldson has been one of Tampa Bay's leading change specialists since 1987. With a 25 year background as a mental health and relationship counselor, he has a unique perspective in winning in the game of change. Ken's credentials include: Licensed mental health counselor; board certified as an addictions professional and clinical hypnotherapist; and certified as a master relationship coach. In this episode, Ken talks about his book, Marry Yourself First, and the proud change it can bring when you live by your purpose and values. TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] Ken shares why he wrote the book, Marry Yourself First. [8:15] How do you ‘marry’ yourself? [14:30] What areas of your life do you currently feel disappointed in? [18:05] Sometimes we get frustrated because we unknowingly have expectations surrounding that situations and we’re leaving ourselves disappointed. [21:20] Your reaction is a reflection of you, not a reflection of the person who is triggering you. [25:40] Ken explains what the MVP and VIP acronyms stand for and how you can live within your values and purpose. [31:20] How do you know what your priorities are when trying to maintain your values? [34:55] What happens if you never really do find the partner of your dreams? [39:00] You have to figure out your own drum beat and march to that beat. [41:35] Ken has created a structure to help people find inner happiness. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Kendonaldson.com Marry Yourself First by Ken Donaldson QUOTES: “Usually frustration comes from an expectation.” “When you have a reaction to somebody else, go look in the mirror first.” “We go back to know, like, and trust yourself. Well, you said you knew yourself, but apparently you didn’t trust yourself because you broke your own rules, and by doing that, what does that say about liking yourself?”

Alex Avila is a Master CSAT and the Founder and Director of Relationship Institute of the Rockies. He works with men, women, and couples on their sexual intimacy and helps them explore, and overcome, their trauma so that they can connect deeper and more emotionally in their relationships. Alex is also the author of, 40 Forms of Intimacy, in which he dives into how couples can strengthen their relationship through communication and understanding. Find out more on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] How do you build intimacy while also recovering from addiction? [3:15] What is intimacy? Intimacy is sex! No, not so fast. [7:55] What does intimacy look like in the context of a romantic relationship? [9:30] Alex explains what attunement means and why addicts often struggle in this area. [11:00] How do you truly express appreciation for your partner? [16:00] If things get too heated, take a break. You’re responsible for half of the relationship, and you should be able to communicate that in a healthy way. [22:10] Build a ritual together, build a space in your home where it’s a safe space to air out some of your grievances. A safe space to communicate openly. [28:30] Remember, we are human. Sometimes when we express vulnerability, the other person can take it down a completely different road than where we wanted it to go. [34:25] If you’re not in a relationship, would you still benefit from Alex’s book? [37:00] Feel free to reach out to Alex for more information! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing Relationshipinstitute.org Alex on LinkedIn Alex on Twitter Grab Alex’s book: 40 Forms of Intimacy QUOTES: “Sometimes we appreciate things, but we don’t turn those thoughts into words.” “When someone says something, it just triggers a thought and then we grab the conversation and take it in a whole different direction. That can be painful.” “In all these topics we’re talking about respect, safety, and being sensitive to each other.”

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares part 2 of a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. When Dr. Rob was at the height of his addiction, he felt terrible all the time. He felt ashamed, he was suffering from depression, and he was wondering why. Despite this, he never wanted to pin his depression on his addictions. He was looking for every excuse in the book to not live a life of integrity. Addicts love to live in their own fantasy and will do everything they can, blame anyone they can, to keep that ruse up. Healthy people live in their reality and realize ‘Oops, that hurts me. I need to stop’, and they do! Dr. Rob talks about how to wake up and start living in reality again. TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The breaking of trust is what destroys our spouses. [4:00] A healthy person recognizes their reality and changes their bad actions. Addicts blame reality because it means they can keep living in their fantasy and in their addiction. They choose to blame reality for their bad actions. [7:40] Addicts shift their focus to, “How can I keep doing what I’m doing and get away with it?” [8:10] At the height of Dr. Rob’s addiction, he wondered why he was so depressed all the time. It was because he was having sex with strangers who he had no connection with! [10:30] Dr. Rob realized he had been running away from home his whole life. Yet home was what he deeply wanted! [13:00] Let’s talk about plate spinning. [13:55] We live in our own lies. [18:00] How do addicts compartmentalize their lives so well? [19:50] What is the true path to happiness? [23:25] Dr. Rob answers a listener's question about compartmentalization. [25:25] Dr. Rob answers another question. “I feel like being real with my spouse is hurting more than helping.” RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing QUOTES: “We make bad decisions because we’re not facing our choices in reality.” “Reality wins. It will eventually catch up to you.” “We are more vulnerable than most men. We think we’re stronger, but we’re not. We run away from our reality.”

In this week’s episode, Dr. Rob shares a webinar he did about addiction, relationship healing, low-self esteem, the power of denial, and so much more. As addicts, we become so disintegrated in our everyday lives. We do not believe our loved ones when they say they love us. We do everything in our power to push love away because we feel we do not deserve it. There’s a lot of internal shame that we face. Dr. Rob talks about how you can begin to live a life of integrity and value, and connection with your loved ones. It is possible! You just have got to take it step by step. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What Rob is about to talk about is not therapy. It’s supplemental therapy. [3:55] Rob started doing this work when he was 26 years old. [4:55] Get a piece of pen and paper folks. You’ll be writing some notes down! [5:25] DENIAL: Don’t Even Know I Am Lying. [7:15] Here’s why denial is powerful to our survival. [12:25] Why is the word ‘integrity' so important? [13:40] In our addictions, we are disintegrated. [14:00] Addicts already have low-self esteem and hold a lot of shame. [14:50] What is the definition of intimacy? It’s not sex. [16:10] What breaks your partner’s heart is that they can’t trust you anymore. [20:10] Of course your spouse would be the last to know! They love you! They trust you! And now that trust is broken. [22:10] Spouses are looking through your phone to find that they can trust you again. [23:35] Rob wants you to write out the words ‘Addict’ and ‘Healthy Person’. [26:25] Healthy people choose reality. Addicts choose to live in fantasy. [28:40] You’re living in denial if you believe that your actions won’t affect others. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dr. Rob Guest Lecture on Sex and Relationship Healing QUOTES: “Disintegration allows us to do what we want to do, but it keeps any real love away.” “Intimacy is being known fully by people who love you. Letting yourself be known with no secrets.” “He’s being honest. That has a profound meaning for the partner even if you don’t have your stuff together.”

Rob and Tami talk about the biggest emotion you should fear in your marriage is not hate, it’s indifference. When they no longer care, that’s when you know the relationship can not be salvaged. They also share how you can recover from a betrayal, and how long it truly takes to ‘heal’ an addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Dissociation and decompartmentalization, how does it work? [3:50] Addicts don’t trust that people can soothe and comfort us. [6:25] At the end of the day, reality is what wins. [8:00] How long does it take to really heal from sexual addiction? [15:35] Been with your addict for a long time? Tami and Rob have a support group for you. [16:35] How does an addict’s emotional abuse get addressed at Seeking Integrity? [20:45] When should I tell my daughter about our toxic relationship? [23:40] My wife is hurt beyond belief. She wants to know how to make the pain stop? [29:15] Partners are searching through everything you have because they’re looking for reasons to stay. [29:45] The opposite of love is indifference. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “Addicts don’t trust that other people can soothe and comfort us. We’re the only ones who we believe can make ourselves feel better.” “We don’t ever heal addiction. Addiction is a form of mental illness.” “If you pursue your recovery with the same energy you pursued when you’re acting out, you’ll do really well, but it’s going to take a lot.”

Harriet Hunter has been on a long journey of sobriety and uses her experiences to help others overcome their addiction to alcoholism and drugs. Her drug of choice these days? Journaling. Harriet started this practice to finally be ‘seen’ for the first time. As someone who was always hidden in the shadows, journaling provided Harriet an outlet where she could explore her thoughts, emotions, and more in an organized way. Through journaling, Harriet found healing. Find more about her story in this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Harriet and the kind of work she does. [3:45] Harriet started her journaling practice just to feel like she existed. [6:00] Despite getting married and having a child, Harriet’s addiction was still going strong. [7:15] Both Harriet’s husband and daughter, who was only 26, passed away. [7:55] Journaling allowed Harriet to go places where she wouldn’t let herself go in ‘real life’. [8:55] Harriet had a terrible marriage with her husband, but he would often say to her that he liked her better when she drank. [10:00] What is journaling? [11:30] When Harriet’s husband passed, she realized she never had been alone before. [12:45] What’s the difference between ‘standard’ journaling and journaling with purpose? [15:10] How does it make you feel? Harriet didn’t even know how to answer that question. [17:30] Harriet is grateful she’s alone. [21:25] When Harriet was watching her daughter die, she had to connect herself to a spiritual purpose. [23:35] God wasn’t punishing Harriet. [26:25] What is the patient bill of rights all about? [27:35] This is a journey between Harriet and her higher power. [28:15] Life is a big session of teaching us how to let go. [31:55] What is Harriet’s course all about and how does she help people with a journaling practice? [33:45] Harriet’s book was written shortly after her daughter passed away. [36:30] Harriet is alive today to help bring peace to others. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Harriet: Harriethunter.org & Miracles of Recovery QUOTES: “I was successful at nothing. I had jobs to sustain my lifestyle. To pay for my addiction.” “Journaling is a walk to the heart. When I pick up a pen, it allows me to see what I would not see otherwise.” “I got sober online. I never had the guts to walk into a room. I was terrified.” “The end goal is to find the positive and find our own truth of positivity inside of us.”

Dr. Merry Frons has been working with individuals’ and couples’ relationship issues for the past 25 years. Her training as a sex therapist grew out of her experience working with couples when she realized that sexuality issues were part of couples' concerns and had a large influence on the underlying couples’ dynamic. Dr. Merry is out with a new book, The Trust Solution, where she talks about how two spouses can work on building trust and a healthy relationship again; A topic both her and Dr. Rob dive into on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] A little bit about Dr. Merry Frons [3:25] Why did Dr. Merry decide to write her book, The Trust Solution? [5:20] So many people are dealing with intimacy betrayal issues and they need guidance and help. It’s difficult to navigate this space alone. [6:55] What does the betrayed partner go through after they’ve discovered infidelity? [8:15] Dr. Merry shares some of the important steps a hurt partner needs to focus on. [10:45] If the cheating partner wants to work through this, what can they do? [12:20] The biggest step to a better relationship is by being honest and coming clean. [14:25] Sometimes a betrayed partner wants to know everything and anything, but there are limits to knowing everything. [16:15] The betrayed spouse doesn’t want to continue the relationship, now what? [18:40] if both parties want to make it work, what are the next steps? [23:20] What does Dr. Merry mean by attunement in this context? [26:45] The spouse that has broken the relationship is trying, but they might not know about the tools available to them to help build healing. [27:25] How do you build a two-party system when you’re so hurt and angry? A real partnership? [31:10] What does Dr. Merry mean by ‘flow’? [33:50] There’s no right or wrong decision on whether to stay or go. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Merry: Renewcounselingpllc.com QUOTES: “How could you do this if you loved me? You say you loved me, and yet you did this to me.” “The hurt partner needs time to process these emotions. They need safety, support, and soothing.” “You can’t heal what is not acknowledged.”

Carol Jeurgensen Sheets is a certified CSAT, Social Worker, and has been in this space for over 40 years. It is Carol’s mission to help both betrayed spouses and addicts overcome their own hurts and challenges so that they can live happy lives together. As a betrayed spouse, it’s important that you do inner work to heal your wounds and hurts that your addict has caused you. In this episode, Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power, and how you can use it (along with her other online workshop resources) to practice self-care and to heal. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Carol and her background in this field. [4:25] What is Carol seeing on the ground after a partner has experienced betrayal? [6:20] How does Carol help a betrayed spouse grow and heal from these events? [10:15] Some betrayed spouses feel like they’re going crazy because they’re doing things they’d never thought were possible because they’re so hurt and angry at their spouse. [12:30] When you go through a transformation, you end up on the other side enlightened. [16:20] Carol talks about her new book, Unleashing Your Power. [19:40] How can someone love you and hurt you so deeply at the same time? [21:45] What kind of homework or work does a betrayed spouse need to focus on? [24:05] You need to work on healing your hurt and working on your own self-care as your addict goes through their own journey.

Stefanie Carnes, Ph.D., CSAT-S is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals, a training institute and professional organization for addiction professionals, and a senior fellow for Meadows Behavioral Healthcare where she works with sexually addicted clients and their families. Dr. Stefanie talks about the recent tragedies that happened in Atlanta, and how the shoot claimed he struggled with porn addiction, and more. Do sex addicts commit violent crimes? TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Let’s talk about the tragedies that happened in Atlanta. [3:35] Sex addiction and murder, are they connected? [7:55] We also have a high rate of suicides. Most times people turn their aggression inwards. [8:20] Did the shooter have other underlying mental disorders? [8:50] Sex addiction has always been seen as a ‘joke’. [12:05] There is so much research on this topic and yet people don’t take it seriously. [14:55] A huge portion of the population is struggling with this. [16:45] People want to see criminals being held accountable. [17:45] The public sees really big stories of what sex addiction can do, but they don’t see how it affects the everyday man and woman. [20:35] Why can’t someone just read a book and then do this work? [22:25] Are people just going to these therapists to treat a problem they don’t really have? [24:30] There is simply not enough resources for sex addicts. [27:35] What are some of the common feelings a betrayed spouse might face/experience? [31:25] Want to learn more about this work? Reach out to Dr. Stefanie. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Stefanie: Iitap.com & Stefaniecarnes.com QUOTES: “10% of men and 7% of women were struggling with porn addiction.” “The industry was created because there was a need. They’d go to a sex therapist and they’d say this [form of] addiction doesn’t exist.” “72% of betrayed spouses are having trouble functioning. Just getting through the day is difficult.” “They find themselves confused and overwhelmed, which are all symptoms of trauma.”

Welcome to Sex, Love and Addiction 101! Your host, Rob Weiss, is a licensed therapist, sexologist and author of numerous books on sex, relationships and addiction. This podcast is a way to discuss these topics in frank and informative ways. Rob will talk with everyone from experts from around the world to regular people just looking to make their relationships better. In today’s episode, Rob breaks down what sex addiction is, and isn’t. He also discusses the recovery of sex and love addiction, and resources on ways to further expand your education on the topic. TAKEAWAYS [1:17] Sex addiction is a repetitive pattern of using sexual fantasy and behavior as a way to escape difficult feelings or emotions. It is a lifelong struggle, and is not the same thing as sexual orientation or gender identity. [6:29] Rob equates a sex addiction to an eating disorder in the way that we have a primal need, but it can become disruptive and harmful to our normal lives. [8:44] The life of a sex addict ends up being a double life, and many times affection and connection is compartmentalized away from intensity, fantasy and stimulation. [11:36] It is rarely about the partner, and addicts may try to blame their spouse to take some of the distractions away from their own compulsion and need for recovery. [14:19] Sex addicts have a responsibility to work on themselves, get support and commit to recovery. [16:02] Real love is knowing someone fully, and accepting them fully as they are. It takes about two years to truly know and understand who someone is. The love addict looks for these experiences with blinders on to soothe and mask their loneliness, obsession and emptiness. [19:44] Rob explains how sex and love use pleasure to escape reality, and how Intermittent Reinforcement is used to perpetuate this behavior and lose focus of the reality of the situation. [23:55] Being a sex addict does not excuse the behavior, but does mean there is a lot of work to be done in order to clean up their act. RESOURCES Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Out of the Doghouse Cruise Control Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Out of the Shadows Always Turned On Charlotte Kasl Brenda Schaeffer

Kristin Snowden and Scott Brassart collaborated to write a book, based on the 12-step program, that can help anyone, of all walks of life, find coping strategies when ‘life just happens’. Not an addict herself, Kristin struggled deeply when crisis after crisis happened in her life and she was completely unable to cope. She used the 12-step program to help her through this journey and give herself a newfound sense of accountability. Scott, a person in recovery and has gone through the steps himself, underlines the importance of each step within the book and how it can completely change your life. Find out about Kristen and Scott’s story on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] A little bit about Kristen and Scott and what they do. [3:45] How did Kristen and Scott get to working together on this book? [6:35] The 12-step program really helped Kristen get through a lot of interpersonal conflict within herself even though she is not an addict herself. [8:10] Is there a 12-step program for ‘normal’ people? That’s what Kristen’s and Scott’s book is all about! [10:40] Is the 12-step program a cult? [11:40] We are tribal people, we find our tribe and we follow it. There’s nothing wrong with that. [13:20] What is a 12-step program, really? [16:40] How does the 12-step program help ‘regular people’? Kristen shares how it helped her. [20:40] What was Kristen’s ‘bottom’ that made her seek additional help and get accountability? [24:45] When bad things happen, how do you deal with it? This book is to help you get the right coping strategies. [28:00] Scott breaks down how the book is structured. [32:30] Kristen shares who this book is for and why it can help you! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristen & Scott: https://www.kristinsnowden.com/book & Life Anonymous book QUOTES: “When I didn’t start getting what I wanted, my life crumbled and I realized I had such poor coping skills when life was coming at me and I couldn’t control it.” “I was a transactional Christian. I did good to get good. I put up superficial fronts to say I was good and great.” “Addiction is a maladaptive coping skill and it works until it doesn’t work.” “People find soliance and guidance in all kinds of places. The 12-step program is painfully underutilized. The 12-steps teach coping skills.”

Rob and Tami talk about codependency and why the term actually shames betrayed partners, not supports them. They also dive into some of the misconceptions people have about the partners of addicts. In this week’s episode, they share how you can find a therapist that understands you and what you’re going through, and doesn’t shame you. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Is it a good sign my addict is apologizing or is this a manipulation tactic? [2:15] Dr. Rob, are you offering partner meetings? [3:50] Can codependency delay the addict’s recovery? [8:00] Your partner stays with you because they love you! Not because they love your addictions! [9:10] I can’t find a CSAT in my area. What should I do? [12:50] My therapist told me I am addicted to my sex-addicted partner. Can betrayed spouses be addicts too? [17:35] What have been some of the biggest changes Dr. Rob sees from the people leaving his treatment center? [21:25] When addicts go through treatment and realize the damage they’ve caused, they become afraid that their spouses will leave them. [24:45] I am struggling to understand addiction. Why do people do it? [29:30] Do addicts have moments of clarity? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “The partner that’s just been trying to hold things together is just being blamed (for being codependent).” “The word codependency has brought a world of harm onto women for many, many years. It mirrors our history of shaming caregivers.” “There’s a lot of negativity assigned to the spouse for being in this situation with your partner, who is addicted. We love who we love and we stick by who we stick by.” “One of our jobs is that nobody goes out there and does it again without understanding how it’s going to affect the people they love and themselves.”

Dr. Rob does a solo episode this week to talk about the concept of home and what it means to us and how it differs from people who aren’t addicts. No matter where you are, home is meant to be a safe place, but for addicts, it’s a place we run away from. If you grew up in an environment where home was hell, then it makes sense why you never want to go back there. Dr. Rob discusses how you can rebuild and really find ‘HOME’. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Let’s talk about the concept of home. [2:30] Why do addicts keep running away from home? [4:20] Home is not what kind of furniture you have or what kind of car you drive, or your computer. Home is the people you come home to or that place where you feel like you’re at peace. [4:50] If you have an intimacy disorder, you’re not going to be able to maintain the home you’ve created for yourself as an adult. [5:30] We deeply love the homes we create, but we’re broken people and we’re unable to stay there. [6:25] The minute something goes wrong, we run away. We live double lives. [7:10] While you’re starving for connection, behind you there is a banquet waiting for you. [10:45] We often don’t see what’s right in front of us. [15:10] It makes sense why you want to run away from home. If you grow up in a nightmare, why would you want to stay there as an adult? [18:00] Going ‘home’ for the holidays was just a crazy concept. Home was a scary and unsafe place. [22:30] You can only have one life. Do you want to spend it just running away from everything that’s important to you? [23:00] How can we make home a joyful and exciting place to be? [25:30] When we get caught for our bad behavior, home ends up being another unsafe place for us. But this time, instead of running away, you need to fight your way back to it. [26:55] It’s taken Dr. Rob years to stop running. [29:10] How do you find and rebuild connection again? [32:00] Your life is going to change for the better. Just put in the work. [33:25] The most important word is ‘Home’. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “Home is the most sacred place in our lives, no matter what kind of foundation that means for us.” “What addicts and those who cheat and/or are unfaithful do, we leave home like everybody else, but then we never come back.” “The nature of an intimacy disorder means you’re constantly running away from home. Constantly looking for intensity and distractions because you can’t deal with home.” “Healthy people don’t have to live a double life.”

Rob and Tami explain in depth what a betrayed spouse is going through during the first year and a half after a reveal, and what a person in recovery can do about it. They also answer listener questions about porn addiction since the age of 10, and what to do when a CSAT therapist sides with the addict and not with the betrayed spouse. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My wife hates me. When will it stop? [2:25] Dr. Rob explains why it’s important for betrayed spouses to find a place to vent outside of your home with the addict. [4:25] He’s just not getting it! Will I ever get empathy from my addict? [8:00] I have been a compulsive user of sexual fantasy since I was 10. I’m struggling. How do I become normal again? [13:15] As a betrayed spouse, I’m seeing red flags with my husband’s current therapist. The therapist blames me! [15:40] Not all therapists are good therapists. You do get a mixed bag and it can be a journey to find the right one. [18:45] My addict broke my boundaries. What do I do? [25:35] At Seeking Integrity, Dr. Rob and his team turn boys into men. [27:35] Is there something wrong with me that I want to be intimate with my untrustworthy addict? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES “After a year and a half, I will say to betrayed spouses that, at a certain point, your anger can be unproductive.” “I think it’s important for every betrayed spouse to have a place to go where they can vent because addicts need some space from you in order to grow, even though we deserve [the anger]!” “Stopping the bad behavior I can do in a month or two, but becoming a good person can take a long time. A lot of therapy.” “Stopping the behavior is critically important, but also address the underlying issues. There’s a reason we use these addictions as an escape.”

Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, popular Psychology Today blogger, and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. Ken was desperately looking for love but found himself chronically single as the years went by. What was he doing wrong? Through his own exploration and diving into the research, Ken shares how we can build intimacy and find a loving and healthy relationship on this week’s episode. TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] How can single people in recovery safely find their life partner? [3:45] Ken understands. He was an awful dater for the longest time. [4:50] Ken really wanted to find someone, but he was always single for one reason or another. [6:35] Although Ken is gay, the lessons he teaches applies to anyone, no matter their sexual orientation. [7:55] One day, Ken found himself being called to be a dad. Things changed for him. 9 months later he adopted a child and it led to Ken finding his husband, too. [9:40] How do you date so that you find a good match for you? This is rarely talked about. [9:55] Ken walks you through an intimacy map. [12:45] How can you put your best foot forward while still remaining authentic? [14:00] How do you bring your most intimate self on a date? Ken shares an example. [14:45] Keep a journey for two days and note the things that hurt you and note the things that fill your heart. [18:00] Sometimes, we would rather die than reveal our true self. [19:20] Does my soul feel safe with this person? [20:40] Are you pushing love away while you are also looking for love? [23:40] Can you find true love on Tinder/Grindr? [27:55] Your deepest gifts are underneath your defense mechanisms. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Ken: Deeperdatingpodcast.com & https://deeperdating.com QUOTES: “You’ve been talking about looking for love for a really long time, but you’re always single. I don’t think you really mean it.” “As you move closer to the center of the target, that’s you becoming more authentic and the further in you get, the closer you are to the beating heart of humanity.” “It’s an internal journey first to embrace your gifts. When you do that, our dating life changes.” “We all have a true self and we create a false self around that to protect ourselves.”