Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr’s. Ginger and Bill Bercaw are the founders of The California Center for Healing in Pasadena, CA. The Bercaws are nationally recognized relationship and sexuality experts, appearing regularly on Access Hollywood Live and Fox News as well as being Huffington Post columnists and cited in Men’s Health, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and the LA Times. Drs. Ginger and Bill discuss how a betrayed spouse can become intimate with their love or sex addict, ways couples can build intimacy, and how to prioritize therapy when we all live busy lives. TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] How do you reintegrate healthy sexuality and trust after betrayal. [5:40] Couples who have made it through the traumatic effects of the betrayal are still going to struggle in the bedroom. [6:55] When a partner finds out about a 12-year affair, some of them want to jump into bed with them right away. Why is that? [11:15] Most recovering sex addicts are not familiar with what intimacy means. [12:45] What can couples do to take the first step to building intimacy? [20:00] The next step is communication to help restore sensuality in the relationship. [23:50] In Drs. Ginger and Bill’s model, the next step or critical piece to healing is education. [26:20] How do Drs. Ginger and Bill keep their couples motivated to keep pursuing therapy and work on themselves? [28:45] What makes certain couples struggle vs. other couples that thrive? It comes down to the person’s trauma. [30:50] We all have busy lives. Who has time for therapy? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Drs. Ginger and Bill Bercaw: Drsbercaw.com QUOTES: “By and large, we don’t typically see couples who have great sex lives before discovery.” “We were introduced to a model of communicating and I remember walking out of that therapist’s office and just shaking my head. Normal people don’t talk to each other this way! However, maybe we should try something that’s abnormal.” “If you do have the willingness to prioritize your relationship. It doesn’t have to be an hour every night, it can be half an hour 2-3 times a week. Something to give you traction.” “You can’t ‘will it’ that way or ‘wish it’ that way. You have to be willing to put in the work just like anything else.”

Kristin Snowden is a specialist in helping clients recover and heal from addiction, depression, anxiety, trauma, loss, and relationship challenges (namely infidelity and divorce). Kristin has seen women come into her office completely unsure why they feel depressed, why they feel lost, why they feel so broken. And upon further investigation, it’s because these women hide their true feelings and they’re being gaslighted by their addict. Kristin discusses how you’re not crazy about the feelings you have and how to own your power and work on building trust again with your addict. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] What is it like working with Dr. Rob? [4:15] Kristin wanted to get Dr. Rob’s thoughts on how betrayed spouses navigate depression and their sexual traumas. [10:00] When someone has been betrayed. They mentally choose to move forward not move on, but their bodies don’t react the same way. [11:15] How does the betrayed partner end up being convinced they’re the problem or they’re the ones with depression? [14:40] Do not invalidate what your body is telling you. [17;55] If something is bothering you and it’s triggering your feelings of betrayal all over again, speak up. You don’t need to hide it. [21:05] You don’t need to deeply examine yourself when the problem is right in front of you. You don’t need to feel more shame about that. [24:00] Some people discover that they’ve really been shamed by their partner for having very real feelings and decide they’re completely done and don’t want to put up with the lies anymore. [26:15] The key is to practice humility and to show up better for yourself despite being hurt and wanting to kick and scream and throw things. [28:05] How do you be strong for yourself when your partner is gaslighting you? [30:50] Group therapy is critical in making you realize you’re not crazy. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kristin: Kristinsnowden.com Kristin on YouTube QUOTES: “It’s the person you’re supposed to be the most intimate with and love the most and you feel the most unsafe with them.” “That’s why I encourage therapists who specialize in sex addiction and trauma to really understand the deep unconscious traumas around this as well as shame resiliency work.” “You can’t fix anything you’re not aware of. You can’t change any patterns that you don’t realize exist.” “We say depression is anger turned inward.”

Rob and Tami discuss how to best keep boundaries with your mother, how to work through betrayal as a betrayed spouse in a way that encourages your addict to be honest with you, and Rob explains how sexuality works and why you might be attracted to men vs. not. TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How can I communicate my boundaries without making it into a threat? [7:25] There are three rules you want to keep in mind when you want to make it work and there’s been a betrayal in the relationship. Dr. Rob explains. [9:50] How do I set boundaries with my mother who subjected me to covert incest? [15:05] Can a man be bi or gay without being sexually aroused by male bodies? [21:45] My wife caught me and is now hypersensitive to stress. How long will this last? [28:20] My boyfriend has a porn addiction. What’s next? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss QUOTES: “My focus in early recovery would be if he is being honest with me. Is he talking regularly about what he’s doing in therapy?” “You can’t fix your wife. You can only work on your addiction and your healing so that you’re aren’t showing up being the betrayer over and over again.” “We knew what we were doing. We chose what we wanted to say to our spouses and hide.” “We kept this a secret from them and we worked hard at it. It’s often a tremendous shock to your spouse and we need to give them the grace at the time to be angry and hurt for a while.”

Rob and Tami dive into whether you can rewire your sexual tastes after being exposed to hardcore porn. They also discuss how to have a successful open relationship (when you’re not an addict) and so much more on this week’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [0:30] Can I rewire my sexual tastes? [6:10] I don’t think I can handle my partner relapsing. What can I do? [10:45] How can we have a successful open relationship? [13:45] Should addicts reveal their addiction to their family members? [18:00] I stumbled upon child porn and I felt guilty ever since watching it. How do I get over this? [19:45] How do you create healthy boundaries as a sex addict? [24:15] My husband of 28 years has paid for prostitutes for the last 8 years. Will this pain ever end? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Book by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating Book by Robert Weiss Cruise Control Book by Robert Weiss

Kelley Gunter is an internationally acclaimed speaker, life coach, and author of the memoir, You Have Such a Pretty Face. She is a survivor, emotional warrior, and a woman in recovery who is unafraid to tell her truth. She went through a 243lb weight loss journey and opens up about her multiple addictions in this week's episode. If she can get through to the other side, so can you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] For many women, it's very hard to tell their truth due to society's expectations of them. [3:35] Kelley shares why now is the perfect time to share her truth and her story. [4:05] Kelley made a promise to God that if she could get past this dark time in her life, she will use her voice to empower others. [6:15] When Kelley was 400lb, people would often tell her it was 'such a shame' she was so overweight because 'she had such a pretty face'. It killed her soul every time she heard that. [7:40] When trying to give a compliment, drop out the qualifier. Just say you're pretty! [9:10] Kelley shares her experiences on what it was like to be 'that fat girl'. [11:25] A lot of women end up consciously gaining a large amount of weight because it makes them feel safe and keeps an arm's distance away from men. Kelley shares her thoughts on this. [12:45] How does someone gain 400lb? [14:45] Our pain speaks to us in different languages. [21:10] Kelley was terribly insecure and would often try to buy everybody’s love. [23:50] Most of our addictions don’t come up as ‘just one thing’. It’s a host of issues. [24:45] Kelley’s gambling issues brought everything and her whole life to her knees. [26:30] Kelley knew she wasn’t a bad person, she was a broken person. We all make mistakes, but we aren’t our mistakes. [31:40] Remember, tomorrow is a new day. [34:45] Kelley talks about her upcoming second book. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Kelley: Kelleygunter.com Kelley’s book: You Have Such a Pretty Face QUOTES: “I was in such a dark place in my life, I was praying to God to let me die, and I couldn't find any truthful stories of people who had made mistakes, people who had suffered, and came out on the other side of it.” “The world can be very, very cruel. Even more painful than the mean comments was that I was just invisible. The world just sees right past you, like you don't even matter.” “Food was the one thing I could go to that would never let me down. I wasn't trying to push people away, but it was the only thing I loved and it loved me back.” “Unhealed trauma will sit quietly in the control room of your soul dictating every calamity.”

Jenna Riemersma is the Clinical Director of The Atlanta Center for Relational Healing. She is a teaching faculty member for the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). Jenna holds a Master's degree in Public Policy from Harvard University and a Masters’ Degree in Professional Counseling from Richmont Graduate University. Jenna is the recent author of Altogether You, which better explains IFS therapy and how every part of you is meant to be (and should not be shamed for it). TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] What is Jenna’s book about and why did she write it? [5:15] How do we best manage or process the different parts of ourselves? [7:15] We each have a core or a deep self within us. It is whole and it consists of the 8 C’s. However, our different parts (traumas) jump up and obstruct our access to our deep self. [10:55] Dr. Rob shares an example to better understand what Jenna means. [14:30] How do you bring healing to your different parts to become connected to your core self? [15:50] Why do we have such high relapse rates in addiction? [18:50] When we live in our core self, we instinctively embrace all parts. [21:45] Rage and sex addiction are not okay, but the part underneath it all is what we’re trying to help: the individual. [24:10] We all have parts at war within ourselves. For addicts, it might be they want to act out sexually and at the same time, they desperately want to be faithful to their partner. [28:00] IFS is applicable not for addiction, but for relationships and conflict. [33:15] How does MDMA help people with complex PTSD? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Jenna Riemersma: Jennariemersma.com Jenna’s book: Altogether You QUOTES: “The more effective way to bring healing to a part is by recognizing this is a wonderful part that’s gotten stuck in a very damaging role.” “It’s really about befriending the parts of us of which we are the most ashamed and the parts we feel are the most unacceptable.” “All parts of them are welcome and there’s another way besides shaming ourselves that we can heal.” “We all have parts at war and they look different in all of us.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and the author of several books including, Trauma and the Twelve Steps and Trauma Made Simple. On this week’s show, Dr. Jamie discusses the healing process between the Twelve Step program and addressing your trauma. She also discusses her philosophy with the Twelve Step program and why it’s important to update the language in it to help people grow and recover. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] Dr. Jamie has recently revised one of her books, Trauma and the Twelve Steps. [4:00] People who have worked heavily in the trauma world had a low opinion about the Twelve Steps and vice versa. Why is that? [5:45] Wounds can come in all shapes and sizes, but healing can take on all different forms. [9:00] People use the Twelve Steps as commands, but Dr. Jamie has always seen it as suggested steps. [13:35] The wound itself is not the issue in trauma. It’s how it gets addressed and healed that is. [14:20] A lot of people think they have dealt with their trauma, but they really haven’t. [19:35] Admitting your powerlessness over alcohol or your addiction does not mean you are a powerless person. [21:45] We have to be willing to update the language with the times. The Twelve Steps was written in the 1930s. [28:30] Trauma is never fully healed, but it does evolve. [32:30] We have to validate ourselves, the reality of what’s happening, and we have to validate each other, and then we have to challenge it. [35:35] Is it true we will never truly ‘thrive’ in life? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Jamie: Dr. Jamie Marich Dr. Jamie’s Book: Trauma and the 12 Steps, Revised and Expanded: An Inclusive Guide to Enhancing Recovery Traumamadesimple.com Instituteforcreativemindfulness.com Jamie Marich on Twitter QUOTES: “Why is trauma not the problem? The wound itself is not the issue. It’s how does it get addressed, how does it get healed, and what is the existing system of the person experiencing it.” “There’s a lot of people who think they’ve dealt with their trauma or it hasn’t affected them, but they really haven’t.” “A principle I teach in trauma-informed care is there is always a modification, and I think more people would be opened to the twelve steps if we allowed for that.” “After everything you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’ve become an alcoholic, what are you going to do about it now?”

Michelle Holleman is a Sex Addiction Therapist based out of Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle councils pre-teens and teenagers about their porn addiction habits and teaches children the difference between reality and fiction. Young children are being exposed to porn and it can deeply impact their brain. Michelle shares seven tips parents can use to have a healthy conversation with their children about porn, and why they need to talk about it with them; not avoid it. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Who is Michelle and what does she do? [3:45] Michelle works with a lot of teens who get caught with porn on their school computer. [6:25] Usually when Michelle gets called in, parents are very concerned. Michelle tries to calm them down and normalize the situation. [9:35] Anything that can turn into porn, will be turned into porn, which means that there are pornographic cartoons out there. [12:00] Parents are very bad at talking to their children about sex. They mostly explain how babies get made, but not the act itself. [13:35] Locking down your child’s phone doesn’t solve the underlying problem. If it’s not at home, they’ll be exposed to it through their friends. [18:15] How do the conversations differ between a pre-teen child vs. teenager about the conversation of looking at porn? [21:25] Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age. [22:45] Porn changes our children’s brains. [24:15] It’s important to tell the truth when talking to your children. [28:45] Don’t punish your child for looking at porn, it sends the wrong message and they will try to hide it from you. [32:55] The real problem with porn is that it takes the intimacy and connection in sex away. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Michelle: Lifehealingcounseling.com & LinkedIn QUOTES: “The parents get called in and then they start to find out how much porn is on the computer, and that’s where it becomes alarming.” “There are ways we can teach our kids early on about pornography and the difference between porn and healthy sex, which includes intimacy.” “The average age kids are actually seeing porn is around 9-years old the first time they see it and the biggest consumers of porn are boys ages 12-17.” “Between the ages of 8 and 16, 90% of children have seen porn by that age.”

Dr. Louise Stanger is an Ivy League Award winner (2019 Interventionist of the Year from DB Resources in London and McLean Hospital – an affiliate of Harvard), educated social worker, popular author, internationally renowned clinician, interventionist and speaker and an expert on mental health, addiction, process disorders, and chronic pain. In this episode, Dr. Louise provides insight as to how families can best cope and provide support when it comes to a loved one’s addiction. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] I can’t stand my family, but I can’t live without them. [6:55] Dr. Louise’s family was very successful in their careers. However, they all had underlying problems with their mental health. [8:15] We can’t turn back time and be 4 again to get our needs met, but even as we grow into adults, we have cravings to get our needs met from our family. [9:00] Sometimes we have to grieve the fact that we never got our needs met by our parents. [10:55] When it comes to our relationships, we might have to live without our loved ones in order for us to fully grow. [12:00] Why is it hard for us to not see the abuse happening to us? [15:20] Your unwillingness to change can be the cause of stalled progress. You don’t have to change the way you love someone, but by changing the behaviors/actions around that person can help them progress in their own therapy and healing. [16:45] What does a good intervention look like? [23:20] As a family member, it’s very important to take care of yourself spiritually and emotionally. [25:00] When an addict comes back from therapy, why can’t it just all go back to the way it was? [26:50] Have you ever said to yourself: ‘If he/she would just fix themselves, everything would be fine.’ Dr. Louise offers advice on how to better approach this. [29:20] We don’t hear what we don’t want to hear. This is why having an outside/expert opinion matters because it allows you to hear what your spouse has been saying to you for years for the very first time. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Dr. Louise: Website & Learn to Thrive Call Dr. Louise: 619-507-1699 The Definitive Guide to Addiction Interventions: A Collective Strategy by Dr. Louise Stanger QUOTES: “People don’t call me unless their hearts are hurting and there’s some kind of event or crisis that happened with their loved one.” “Relationships with mothers are tough. Like many of us, we are people pleasers. They really want that approval. And all of a sudden, when they’re 40 or 50, they realize they’re never going to get that.” “There’s always been an elephant in the middle of the living room, that behavior has been there, but somehow they haven’t been able to face it until there’s this tipping point.” “Family & friend work is so important because nothing changes until something changes. And if you’re sending your loved one away to be fixed, and then you expect them to come back without a parallel process, that person is doomed.”

Troy L. Love is a two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author and has a third book, A Year of Self-Love, which was published in 2019. Troy shares why we feel such deep shame and dives into the six attachment wounds we carry around after a traumatic childhood. He also helps visualize these six attachment wounds through characters to help people in recovery better understand themselves and their journey. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Troy shares his journey and why he is passionate about helping people with trauma. [6:15] It took Troy roughly 10 years to feel grounded enough to move forward with his trauma and help other people. [7:15] How is shame related to addiction. [10:15] Our shame is connected to our attachment wounds. There are six attachment wounds: Loss, Neglect, Rejection, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. [12:25] How does someone discover whether or not they have childhood trauma or not? [15:45] Can we get over these childhood traumas? [19:30] Narcissism can be cured. [22:55] Our loudest voice is our own judgments. [29:15] How can someone best recover from their own inadequacies when they have a partner at home who is very upset and hurt over the actions they have done? [32:15] Darling, I know you suffer, but I am here for you. [34:05] The use of compassion and empathy are the only ways out! [36:20] There are places all over the world that can help you. Your location to get good care is no longer a barrier. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Troy: Website & A Year of Self Love by Troy L. Love QUOTES: “Shame is the deep and abiding belief or experience that I am flawed and defective and therefore unworthy of love or belonging.” “I wasn’t acting out anymore, but man, I was still causing damage and it was fueled by the shame.” “Shame is anger turned inwards and when you stop being angry at yourself, you might start biting at people around you.” “As long as you can start doing the work and start to create some empathy and someplace, that creates space for your spouse to also begin to heal.”

Lulu Cook is an expert in eating disorders and food addiction. She is a coach and dietitian. Lulu helps her clients feel good about their emotional and physical health. Food addiction can show up in many ways and it can be a big struggle to stop binge eating. Lulu provides information on why people typically develop eating disorders, how to best recover/manage their relationship with food, and so much more on today’s episode! TAKEAWAYS: [3:25] Lulu shares her food addiction journey and story. [6:10] What is the difference between an eating disorder and food addiction? [14:00] Do people with eating disorders also typically have body dystopia? [18:00] Why do people typically develop eating disorders? [24:20] People need to eat food. How does Lulu help manage her client’s addictions? [29:25] Food addiction can destroy people’s lives. Lulu shares some examples. [31:05] How do weight and food fit together? If someone is big-boned or a little heavy, how do they recognize they might just like to eat vs. have an addiction? [33:05] Food touches everything in our lives. Our relationships, faith, environment, and health. [38:20] Lulu works with clients all over the world, so location is no obstacle if you’re interested in getting some help! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Lulu: Lulucook.com & Email: [email protected] QUOTES: “Food is medicine and the impact of food on my mood was so profound.” “A higher proportion of people who are in bigger bodies will have binging behaviors than smaller people, but that’s not always necessarily the case.” “This stuff is not easy. We don’t get to stop eating if we want to keep living. We just need to learn how to nourish ourselves in ways that feel more healthy.” “I came for the vanity, but I stayed for my sanity.”

Helen E. Fisher, PhD biological anthropologist, is a Senior Research Fellow, at The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University. She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships-- what she calls: slow love. In this week’s episode, Dr. Helen shares how people fall into love addiction and why it can feel hopeless to find the right partner to spend your life with. TAKEAWAYS: [3:00] How did Dr. Helen become a sex expert? [6:15] There are a lot of misunderstandings about how men and sex. [8:10] What is love addiction? How is it different from sex addiction? [10:00] Romantic love addiction can actually be very positive. [12:20] What do you lose when you get rejected? An important partner to have babies with. [16:45] How can couples celebrate sexuality? [20:00] A good positive relationship lowers blood pressure, cortisol, and more! [22:00] Romantic love grows quickly, but attachment grows slowly. [24:00] How can we better help love addicted people? [25:30] Covid-19 is a good time to find love? [29:25] In Dr. Helen’s study with Match, 34% of singles have had sex before the first date. [31:35] Women are getting married later in life. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Connect with Helen: Helenfisher.com & Theanatomyoflove.com QUOTES: “Both men and women have some tremendously effective traits and we need to put our heads together, but to pretend we’re exactly alike is factually incorrect .” “When you’re madly in love with the right person, at the right time, with the right vision, is probably an adaptive mechanism to send their DNA into tomorrow.” “You’re threatened with genetic extinction when you’ve been rejected in love.” “People in long-term good partnerships, positive relationships, can live up to 5-7 years longer.”

Dr. Rob is back with a continuation of last week’s episode about explaining what prodependence is. How can we better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved ones? Spouses feel terrible enough being married to an active addict, our jobs as therapists is to not make them question themselves, but to help them through their feelings. They are in crisis mode and this means therapists need to do crisis counseling, not codependency counseling. Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency when they are going through a completely natural reaction. TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] The women who wrote these books about codependency had traumatic abusive fathers and they ended up married to alcoholic or abusive husbands. However, this does not mean it’s a universal experience. [4:50] Women were focused on paving their own way in the 1980s. It was needed, but the writings of that time also reflect that. Today? We can tell a different story, but we’re still stuck in the 1980s dialogue. [7:40] So many addicts say, “I could get sober if my wife wouldn’t nag so much.” [11:00] A loved one is in a crisis and they need support, not stigmatism or judgement. [11:25] How does Dr. Rob define a crisis? [12:40] How do you help someone through a crisis? What are the steps in crisis counseling? Dr. Rob explains. [14:45] The partner has been victimized and they should not be victimized further by their therapist. [19:25] We ideally should respond to addicts with love and compassion, to remind them that they are loved. [25:20] Codependency tells people they’re living in denial. They’re not. [28:40] How do addicts feel about codependency? [31:35] Dr. Rob shares what he helps people with at his treatment center. [32:15] Some treatment centers cut the family members off from treatment and they lose their connection with the addict. [33:55] With social distancing, how are people staying connected? [34:55] Dr. Rob believes two broken people working to heal together are going to get further than individuals trying to heal by themselves. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak QUOTES: “91% of therapists believe that the person who was married to an active addict is in a major crisis.” “Until their family life is settled down, their loved one has gotten sober, they are in a crisis too.” “My job, as a therapist, is to help them through the crisis. Not ask them to question or doubt themselves.” “Crisis is a state of emotional turmoil for an acute emotional reaction to a powerful stimulus or demand.” “With the addicts in my life that I want to deepen my connection with, I say to them, I love you, whether you’re using or not, I love you whatever state you’re in, and if you need me, I’ll come and sit with you.”

Dr. Rob understands that there might be some confusion over what prodependence is, and sheds some light on how we can better navigate and not stigmatize the people who are just trying to care for their loved one; who so happens to have an addiction problem. We support/feel sorry for the spouse trying to care for their partner’s cancer treatments, but why are they shamed for trying to do the same with mental health or addiction issues? Dr. Rob is tired of seeing spouses blamed for codependency. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Dr. Rob explains what prodependence is by providing a hypothetical example of his wife going through cancer vs. drug addiction. [5:15] How would your friends and family, and community, react differently to a cancer diagnosis vs. a drug addiction diagnosis? [8:55] Codependency is just another way of blaming, labelling, and shaming innocent caregivers. [11:55] Codependency is underappreciated and is not a mental health diagnosis. [14:00] When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they read every book and every resource to help the people they love. [17:00] When it comes to codependency, which book should you be following? There’s so many and some of them are not qualified. [21:00] Maybe the reason why we keep writing about this over and over is because it’s never quite worked before? [24:00] As people help people through addiction, they shouldn’t be labelled as ‘broken’. [25:00] When did therapists ever do treatment and blamed clients for not fitting into our ‘model’? Yet this happens with supportive partners within addiction all the time. [29:40] Therapy goes much faster when you don’t label, and blame, the spouses for trying to navigate their partner’s addiction. [33:15] Stay tuned for part two next week! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency It Will Never Happen to Me! by Claudia Black Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Diagnosing and Treating Co‑dependence by Timmen L. Cermak QUOTES: “What is the difference between someone who is medically ill and someone's in crisis and someone who is mentally ill and addicted and they’re in a crisis?” “Codependency is just another way of blaming, labeling, and shaming innocent caregivers who have done nothing more than try to rescue the person they love.” “As far as insurance companies are concerned, codependency doesn’t exist and as far as mental health is concerned, codependency doesn’t exist.” “This angers loved ones, leaving them wondering why so much attention is being placed on their dysfunction when they’ve been the hyper-functional ones all along.” “Not being where the client is leaves clients feeling more judged than understood.”

Dr. Rob shares some insights on what goes on in the mind of a cheater. Men do not see cheating as big of a betrayal as women do because they have the ability to detach sex from the relationship, whereas a woman will see sex as deeply connected to the relationship and when that breaks, a whole foundation comes down which can take over a year to recover from. TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] What is considered cheating? Is porn cheating? How about webcamming? How about talking to your exes? [4:05] Cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship. [5:40] Cheating doesn’t have to be sex, either. You can lie to your spouse about money and that is also considered to be cheating. [7:20] Men, for the most part, have the ability to detach sex from the relationship. [8:45] A man typically doesn’t know how to fully heal their infidelity without professional help. Men just don’t understand women. [11:35] It can take a year or more for a woman to overcome the betrayal and men want to repair the relationship way faster than that. [13:15] Partners are often last to know about their partner’s infidelity. [15:25] What goes on in the mind of a cheater? [19:40] Spouses get caught in a cycle of trying to discover the true infidelity of the cheater because cheaters will only reveal information in steps or based on what you have uncovered. [23:40] Are cheaters narcissists? [29:20] Cheaters cheat because it gives them some form of control. [31:15] Healthy people reach toward people for support and the addict reaches away. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “I call cheating the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.” “If you love somebody, you’re deeply connected to them, you’re not looking for what they’re doing wrong, you’re looking for what they’re doing right.” “Secrets kill relationships. Secrets kill trust. Trust is the backbone of the relationship.” “I have been running away from home for years. When all we really want to do is go ‘home’.” “When you’re in an affair, it’s very controllable. Nobody’s going to hurt you or let you down.”

Dr. Rob went on The Mel Robbins Show with his colleague Noah Church to help a couple work through the man’s porn addiction. Dr. Rob also offered the couple resources they needed to better understand porn addiction after the show. The male partner has felt a lot of regret over his porn use and wants to better understand how to make it stop. His girlfriend is feeling betrayed and doesn’t know where to go from here. Listen in to Dr. Rob’s insight and advice. TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] The girlfriend is worried about what other lies her boyfriend has told her throughout their 9-year relationship. [6:00] The boyfriend is feeling a lot of shame right now. He has felt like he’s led a double life for a long time. [8:20] How can the couple recover from this? [13:20] If he wants to change, it’s important that he goes to therapy and support groups. [15:40] Noah weighs in as a former porn addict. [16:40] How has Noah been able to live a sober life? [17:35] The boyfriend doesn’t see this as an addiction. He sees the lying as something to be ashamed of, but not the act itself. [19:25] How does addiction impact the brain? [22:00] How can we talk to our children about porn? [23:25] What are some of the signs that your partner might be watching porn? [24:00] Why is porn considered cheating? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency The Mel Robbins Show Addictedtointernetporn.com QUOTES: “People see addiction as only related to substances and pornography is treated very lightly in our society. We’re coming to understand that internet pornography can become very addicting as well.” “There are changes that we can see across all addictions that are similar and those changes include sensitization, we are more sensitive to cues that lead to use.” “Young kids now first come into contact with pornography. I read that the average age is 11, and in many cases younger.” “There’s a false idea, which is if you talk to your kids about sex, they’re going to want to have it. The truth is if you want to protect your kids from porn, you have to teach them early what’s healthy or what isn’t.” “In the digital age, cheating is the keeping of profound secrets in an intimate relationship.”

Karl Staib is the Author of Bring Gratitude, a book to help people unlock their mindset and build a more resilient and confident life. Karl tried to have a head-strong approach to building gratitude, but he realized he was doing it all wrong. Instead of trying to change the way he feels, he started paying attention to how he was feeling, and when he did this, he realized a very important shift happening in his life and wellbeing. TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Why is Karl so passionate about gratitude? [4:25] Watching his father become sicker and sicker made Karl realize he didn’t want to live on grit and willpower alone. [6:45] By analyzing his gratitude journals, he realized he had a lot of mental blocks holding him back. [10:05] Interested in starting a gratitude practice? Figure out your ‘why’ first. [11:25] Every night Karl writes what he is grateful for and why. [13:35] Karl has a post-it note on his mirror to remind him to think about gratitude when he is brushing his teeth. [15:45] Use this lockdown period as a transition time to start small and build it into something big. [17:00] Small baby steps build into sustainable habits. [19:45] Gratitude is the foundation of mindfulness. [25:05] The idea is to not change how we think or how we feel, it’s giving yourself a moment to think about the emotions these thoughts bring up for you. [28:15] By having gratitude in Karl’s life, he is more confident and happier. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bringgratitude.com Bringgratitude.com/plan Bring Gratitude: Feel Joyful Again with Bite‑Sized Mindset Practices by Karl Staib QUOTES: “We are hard-wired to see the negative. It’s helped us survive for thousands of years.” “Create micro habits by building on a regular habit.” “We’re locked in our houses right now, but the reality is we get locked in our own heads every single day.” “Right now is an opportunity for us as a transition time to add little habits.” “Is this the thought I want to continue acting on?”

Forest Benedict is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Sexual Addiction Treatment Provider (SATP), and the author of the book, Life After Lust: Stories & Strategies for Sex & Pornography Addiction Recovery. Forest Benedict has taken his practice online! He lives in Washington State but conducts therapy sessions in California, where he is licensed. He discusses how online therapy differs from in-person therapy and what might be the best options for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:50] Can you do therapy online? [5:40] Therapists need to consider both the legal and technical part. [6:45] Dr. Rob struggles with where to look at the patient. Should he look into the camera or on the screen where he sees the patient? [8:00] What kinds of concerns do patients bring to Forest about having counseling online? [10:10] What are some of the advantages of doing therapy online? [12:30] Forest does notice a difference between hosting virtual sessions with older clients vs. younger clients. [14:45] Dr. Rob recognizes that you’re talking about intimacy issues in a very non-intimate space, meaning, the online world. It’s a bit of a contradiction. [15:30] Some patients feel like when they go to see a sex addiction therapist in person, they might be outed by someone they know. By doing it online, it can be much more discrete. [17:30] Because of what’s happening in the world, the therapy world will never be the same again. Therapists are being asked to help in any way they can. [19:15] Does Forest also do couple’s therapy online? [21:05] Why did Forest decide to move his business online? [24:05] Should patients go with an in-person session or an online session if they liked the therapist equally? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Forestbenedict.com QUOTES: “Just because it’s [dealing with technology] difficult or new, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful.” “When I go to recovery meetings, it’s almost always majority men, especially when dealing with intimacy and sex issues. But when you go online, there are all women. They feel safer.” “I would invite you to try an online session to see if it’s a good fit or not.” “The convenience aspect of attending an online session is very different. One client said it was so much more cost-effective and time-effective.”

Dr. Rob went on The Doctors TV Show with his friend Alexander Rhodes, from NoFap, to discuss porn addiction and its impacts on today’s youth. The guests on the show discuss whether porn addiction is just used as an excuse to escape criminal behavior, young men preferring porn over sex, and so much more. In this podcast episode, you will be hearing some clips from the TV show and some of its key highlights. TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is Porn really a health crisis? [5:20] People who enjoyed porn vs. addicted to porn had a difference in the way their brains light up. [8:45] Are we really dealing with addiction or is it just compulsion? [9:45] Is porn just a convenient excuse to get a lighter criminal sentence? [12:55] “Porn addiction destroyed my life.” [15:40] Why would a young person prefer porn over sex? [17:00] If you’re discovering sex through porn, then porn is going to play a big part in your sexuality. [18:00] Young people have so much shame for watching porn alone at home. [19:35] You need to talk to your kids about porn! [21:10] For example, drinking alcohol isn’t that bad, but if you spent 10 hours a day drinking it, then you would have a problem or addiction. The same applies to porn. [22:40] The good news is that if you have an issue, you can work through it. It’s not your fault. [23:50] Interview multiple therapists to find the right one for you. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Nofap.com Clips from The Doctors show about porn addiction Dr. Robert Weiss on Thedoctorstv QUOTES: “Can you control the porn or is the porn controlling you?” “Every addict has an underlying issue. They all have trauma, depression, anxiety.” “Digital porn is available any time, anywhere, and in unlimited amounts.” “It went from an innocent curiosity about the female form to out-of-control compulsion.” “Porn is a super stimulus. Like sugar.”

Carol Juergensen Sheets is a Coach, Therapist, Speaker, and Author of the book, Help. Her. Heal, in which she discusses how a relationship can recover after sexual betrayal. Carol knows men desperately want to stop their sex addiction and stop hurting the people they care about, but can’t seem to control their compulsion. She wrote her book to help couples through this difficult time and to overcome sex addiction together. In this episode, she explains how to find the right coach to help without breaking the bank, working with a hurt spouse & the person who hurt them, and so much more. TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] Carol used to do radio about sex addiction before she got into podcasting. [4:45] How can therapists better help patients who can not afford therapy but desperately need it? [6:20] What are some of the best ways to find a coach? [10:10] After a betrayal, the partner or spouse no longer feels safe with the person who has hurt them. [11:15] Some men are not ready to give up their sex addiction. [13:25] Carol’s book, Help. Her. Heal, shows couples that you can overcome a sex addiciton. [14:00] When couples seek therapy, Carol knows the man wants to fix this. He hates seeing his spouse in pain, but he just doesn’t know how to stop it. [16:40] Carol asks the person who has betrayed their spouse to step into the spouse’s shoes and to understand what kind of pain they are currently experiencing. [18:00] 95% of self-help books are brought by women. Men aren’t reading books like Carols’. [19:10] Some men have good intentions, but for some reason, they simply can not sustain them. Carol has resources for these men. [20:30] What has changed over the last 15 years when it comes to helping spouses through sex addiction? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Sexhelpwithcarolthecoach.com Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal BlogTalkRadio — Carol the Coach Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube APSATS QUOTES: “People get so overwhelmed [by betrayal] that they completely emotionally disengage, they can’t think clearly, and they can’t make sense of the world.” “Avoidance is a big issue in a sex addict. He thinks if he waits long enough the spouse’s feelings will go away.” “When a man is discovered, he may not really be ready to give up his sex addiction because it was his best friend and medication.” “Unfortunately, oftentimes the partner feels like his actions are the direct reflection of how he feels about her, but it has nothing to do with how he feels about her. It’s a compulsion.” “When he helps her heal, he gets better too. It improves his self-esteem.”

Eddie Capparucci is a licensed therapist and certified in the treatment of sex and porn addiction. He runs a private practice with his wife in Marietta, GA and works with men struggling with sex/porn addiction, as well as their wives who are dealing with betrayal. Eddie recently wrote the book, Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction and talks with Dr. Rob on how men can build their emotional IQ and reconnect emotionally with their families. TAKEAWAYS: [4:30] Eddie believed he was a broken and perverted person when he struggled with his own porn addiction. [6:20] If you want to work on your addiction, you need to be able to sit with discomfort. [9:45] When you’re by yourself after the wife and kids are gone, do you experience anxiety and discomfort? [11:10] How does Seeking Integrity work with trauma? [14:05] Eddie wants you to move away from shame or thinking that God hates you. [15:10] Men, you don’t have to be absent in your family’s lives because you’ve worked long hours! [16:40] A lot of men that walk into Eddie’s practice have a low emotional IQ. [19:00] Despite living through a chaotic childhood, you don’t need to distance yourself from your current family. [21:45] Men get a lot more satisfaction in their work lives than they do in their home lives and that might be because men don’t know how to seek satisfaction in their home lives. [24:05] Your partners are asking you for memorable moments. Whatever is on the computer or TV is just not as important. [25:15] What you’re about to do, is it good for the relationship? [26:35] Eddie and Dr. Rob are not just talking about sex or porn addiction, they’re talking about all addiction. [29:05] What’s wrong with watching porn? It’s not hurting anyone! [32:50] Who should read Eddie’s book, Going Deeper? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Innerchild-sexaddiction.com Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci Email: [email protected] QUOTES: “We can’t sit with our emotional pain so we learned to distract and escape.” “Don’t just assume something you don’t like or doesn’t interest you, don’t assume that’s the way it is.” “Maybe there’s a part of you inside that’s longing to play with your family and longing to be loved and connected.” “It was like that in the past, but it doesn't mean it has to continue.” “We don’t necessarily know how to grow closer to others at home, so it’s kind of avoided.”

Porn is not only a guy’s issue. Women struggle with porn addiction, but you never hear about it. In fact, one in three visitors to adult websites is women! So why is there such silence for women looking for recovery resources? Alice Taylor overcame her addiction to porn by finding healthier, non-sexual, ways to have her needs met. She is the author of Restored: A Woman’s Guide to Overcoming Pornography. On this week’s episode, she shares her journey of recovery and the shame that surrounded her about sexuality and porn. TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] What are the cultural differences between the U.S. and Australia? [5:20] Alice grew up in a household that absolutely didn’t talk about sex or sexuality. Why is this a problem? [6:50] Alice was 12. She was horny and she found porn on the internet. [8:50] The best way to talk about pornography online is by having a healthy conversation about it with your children, even when they’re 4 or 7, or 14. [10:35] When did Alice realize her porn addiction was a problem? [12:35] Alice entered into an abusive relationship because she was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy. [16:40] Alice is very thankful for therapy. She saw her therapist every two weeks for five years and it helped her process all her feelings and emotions. [20:55] How does Alice’s husband feel about Alice’s sexually disconnected past? [23:20] Before therapy, Alice was always afraid. [24:00] Boys and girls get caught up in porn often for different reasons. [27:30] Why did Alice write the book, Restored? [30:20] If you don’t heal your deeper issues, the porn addiction will come back. [33:30] Before Alice dated her husband, her previous sexual experiences were all bad. It was disconnected and unhealthy and Alice didn’t want to be there anymore. [35:20] Alice wants to help other women experiencing the same thing she did realize their power and overcome any shame they might have. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Thegracespot.com Email Alice: [email protected] Restored: A Woman's Guide to Overcoming Pornography Book by Alice Taylor QUOTES: “The bible says no. Sex is for marriage. Think about it when you’re married.” “When you don’t introduce healthy sexuality into a child’s language, it’s either shamed or tell them it’s bad, that creates problems for them.” “By the time I was 18, I was a vulnerable mess desperate for intimacy, affection, loving touch.” “Therapy was just a huge part of healing for me because when I healed those broken places and acknowledge what my needs were, and have them met in a non-sexual, non-porn way, I had less of need to find porn.” “I had so much fear and PTSD. Every person to me was a threat that will hurt me.”

Dr. Larry Hedges is a psychologist, a psychoanalyst, owns a private practice in Orange County, California and specializes in the training of psychotherapists and psychoanalysts. He is also the Director of the Listening Perspective Center and the Founding Director of the Newport Psychoanalytic Institute in Tustin, California, where he is a supervising and training psychoanalyst. Dr. Larry is the author of numerous papers and books and through his contribution to psychoanalysis over the years, was awarded honorary membership in the American Psychoanalytic Association. TAKEAWAYS: [3:05] Where do our thoughts of suicide come from? [4:20] All therapists are required to take a 6-hour course in suicide prevention. [6:50] Nobody truly knows why people are driven to commit suicide. [9:40] Suicidologists determined that the first two years of life will determine whether someone becomes extremely suicidal or not. [12:15] It all stems down to trauma and deep attachment issues. [16:35] Should you let your child cry or should you comfort them? [21:20] Between 4 to 24 months, the mother and baby have a set of attachment scenarios they go through. [27:55] If the needs of the baby are warped by a depressed, narcissistic or broken mom, the baby becomes stuck in how they become comforted during distress. [30:30] Suicide manipulation doesn’t aim to kill oneself but to get the attention of others. [33:10] What happens if you have an adult daughter or son trying to kill themselves? What can a parent or loved one do? [36:15] Dr. Rob and Dr. Larry discuss medical treatments available now to help someone going through suicidal thoughts. [39:10] Dr. Larry’s book The Call of Darkness is available on Kindle for free! [41:45] What should you do if you know someone who is suicidal? RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Listeningperspectives.com The Call of Darkness: A Relational Listening Approach to Suicide Intervention (Listening Perspectives in Psychotherapy) by Lawrence E. Hedges Ph.D QUOTES: “Our ability to predict and treat suicide is less than chance. We still don’t know what suicide is about.” “The same challenges [we all face] can trigger someone who is deeply vulnerable. It’s the deep vulnerability that goes back to the first two years of life.” “The child learns when I am in pain, I can call on darkness to stop the pain.” “The child may learn to have needs in a certain warped way. If I take care of mother, then she’ll give me what I need.” “What tells us who we are is how the world responds to us.”

Dr. Tian Dayton is a Senior Fellow at The Meadows and she has also authored 15 books on the subject of recovery, trauma, addiction, and more. Dr. Tian is the director of the New York Psychodrama Training Institute and served on the faculty at NYU for eight years as a psychodrama teacher. In Dr. Tian’s latest book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery, she says that “All of us who have been touched, directly or indirectly, by chemical or behavioral addictions and related mental health disorders can benefit from this continuing journey of self-awareness and recovery.” TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] What is sociometry and how does it help patients? [4:15] Who should read Dr. Tian’s book, The Soulful Journey of Recovery? [6:35] Finally, people are finally realizing that trauma is a medical problem! [7:30] Dr. Rob shares an example of how childhood trauma carries over into adult life. [11:20] When we run into the ability to have our needs met, we also run into all of our fears. [12:30] Dr. Tian wants to tell couples not to worry about years of unrest. It’s to be expected! [15:35] Children are unable to psychologically see their parents failing. They blame themselves and this is where a lot of shame and low self-esteem come from. [16:55] Do you keep picking unavailable people? [18:55] Dr. Tian recommends to use the book but to also go into a 12-step program. They’re free! [19:25] As a therapist, Dr. Tian believes 52% of the work has already been done the moment you walk through the door. [23:25] Our biggest challenge we’re facing today is our lack of community. [30:45] Isolation is how you punish people. When it happens in your home, it becomes incredibly hard to detect where the true trauma happens. [31:00] How can couples overcome their childhood traumas? [33:30] Sense of self can get lost in the relationship as you get closer, but if you let go of that fear, you end up having a stronger self. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Tiandayton.com The Soulful Journey of Recovery by Dr. Tian Dayton Healthy.kaiserpermanente.org Elizabeth Smart QUOTES: “What increases doctor visits? And they did not expect to find that what increases doctor’s visits are traumatic experiences.” “One of the top traumas that kept popping up was growing up with parents who were addicted.” “Early childhood trauma can lead to problems in adult life. There still seems to be a stigma in our culture that ‘you should have worked through that.’” “When we had parents who hurt us deeply and rejected us deeply, then our childhood fantasies don’t become lived through and made mature.” “It’s so easy to point at the person who is acting out, but if you want to get through and have a marriage, you both are going to have to self-examine.”

BONUS Episode: Today's episode was pulled from Dr. David Fawcett's podcast "Sex, Love, and Addiction: Healing Conversations for Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Men". Dr. Fawcett had the one and only Dr. Rob on to discuss sex addiction and chem sex in men. Dr. Rob dives into why we shouldn’t separate the relationship with drugs and sex in therapy because it’s often combined and needs to be addressed together. He also believes there’s a lot of benefit for hosting gay and straight group therapies together because the commonality of being men can open up a big dialogue and he believes that for most people in therapy, the biggest thing we are seeking is a real and meaningful connection. TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] Dr. Rob didn’t realize in the very beginning how drug addiction is so closely linked with sex addiction. We have to look at both, not either/or. [3:55] How does Dr. Rob see the effect of trauma play into these addictions later in life? [6:50] Gay, transexual, and transgender people struggle a lot with their relationship to sex, and culturally we still haven’t gotten to openly talk about these issues. [9:35] Dr. David has seen two worlds collide in a beautiful way. Gay men had their reservations/thoughts about straight men and vice versa. By sharing group therapy sessions together, a real dialogue has begun to open up between them where it’s just men sharing their experiences and trauma. [11:55] Dr. Rob shares a story about a man who hated what turned him on, but when he did drugs, he was able to indulge in these sexual interests. The work Dr. Rob does has a lot to do with helping people come to peace with their sexual desires. [12:40] Seeking Integrity gets a lot of clients that have a misunderstanding that treatment and addiction are about ‘curing’ themselves, but it’s about self-acceptance. [16:50] Dr. David breaks down why alcohol is a drug. [21:25] So many people that Dr. David and Dr. Rob treat are looking for a connection and use drugs to fill it, but in reality, it creates more emptiness. [25:45] There’s so much more to you than your bodies. As you get older, you’re just not going to get noticed that much and it can be very hurtful to the ego or identify about yourself. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men by Dr. Robert Weiss Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Email Rob: [email protected] QUOTES: “People are what grounds us, not substances or behaviors.” “Which one defines your entire life more? Being male or being gay? Man trumps gay every time.” “To define sessions as ‘gay’ or ‘straight’ is to sort of like saying why don’t we have a program for African American men or Asian men? There’s so much in common being a man struggling with sexual issues.” “Our work is a lot about teaching a person to come to peace or celebrate their sexuality without having to use drugs and alcohol.”

Lacy A. Bentley is the Founder and CEO of Women United Recovery Coalition, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of female pornography addiction. She is the author of Addicted to Love, an international bestseller, and is currently collaborating with Dr. Rob on a book about sex addiction. Lacy shares some of her thoughts on why so many women feel like they have to hide in shame because of this addiction and how this addiction gets developed in the first place. TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] How did Lacy get into this line of work? [4:05] What does it mean that women ‘don’t have’ porn issues? We are ignoring a huge population here! [5:15] Female security is changing. Women are becoming much more visual. The porn industry has been marketing to women since at least the early 90s. [7:45] For some women, porn addiction is very real. They become compulsive with it. [13:00] Women suffering from porn addiction experience a deeper level of shame compared to their male counterparts. [14:15] When you say addiction doesn’t exist, you make people who are experiencing very real feelings feel invalided and shamed. It takes away their hope. [15:45] Every woman is different. Why they get addicted to porn it is often for very different and varied circumstances. [22:00] There is an important distinction between determining whether porn addiction is real or whether the person just has some guilty feelings come up from watching porn. How does Lacy help her clients realize it’s an addiction vs. not? [25:25] Why do some women struggle with porn and others don’t? [28:15] Feel free to reach out to Lacy if you have any questions! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Email Lacy: [email protected] Addicted to Love: Recovery, Empowerment and Finding Your True Self by Lacy Alajna Bentley Lacy on LinkedIn Women United Recovery Coalition on Facebook Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power by Charlotte S. Kasl QUOTES: “I go up and talk to a Ph.D., who is the head of a big recovery program, and I say to him, ‘Why do you not address female porn?’ and he says to me, ‘Women don’t have those problems.’ You just double shamed and invalided many women.” “Women certainly carry a lot more shame because women aren’t supposed to look at porn. Women are supposed to be nice. Women don’t do that!” “I have my own moral code and it’s not my job to assign mine to my client.”

Jason Swilling is the Program Manager at Seeking Integrity and works alongside addicts at the treatment center. He is on the ground working one-on-one with individuals seeking recovery from sex addiction and shares his experiences with Dr. Rob on today’s episode. How is a treatment center different than a support group? Does drug addiction differ from sex addiction? All these questions answered and more! TAKEAWAYS: [2:35] Jason has worked with addicts in some form for over 20 years. [3:35] Is there a difference between patients who are recovering from sex addiction vs. drug addiction? [4:55] Older patients take recovery much more seriously than a 25-year-old in recovery because they have established a stable home life and they are completely scared to lose everything. [7:15] What’s the difference between going through a treatment center vs. a support group? [11:55] Jason explains the differences between people who experience guilt vs. self-hatred for their actions. [15:15] There’s something magical about treatment where everyone develops a very strong bond within a short amount of time. [16:35] The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances. [18:30] In this therapeutic environment, the first thing people learn is how to be intimate in this safe environment. [21:05] When people go through treatment, their hearts begin to open up for the very first time. [23:20] How does spiritual work help with recovery? [27:15] By hearing each other’s stories, people going through recovery are able to grieve and really reflect on their own journeys and decisions that they’ve made. [31:35] Jason shares a story of a man feeling comfortable enough to reveal a trauma that he has held on to (and never told anyone) for 50 years. [33:25] The goal at Seeking Integrity is to develop healthy lives without shame or guilt. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency QUOTES: “The opposite of addiction is connection.” “The person who is sharing realizes they’re not alone whereas when we’re isolated in our addiction we do feel like we’re alone.” “Our body seeks to heal. The body will heal if you put it in the right circumstances.” “As an addict, in our addiction, we have this lack of intimacy, this inability to be intimate with others. We have to hide.”

Charlene Benson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and fluent in American Sign Language. She is out with a new book, Unstuck: Move From Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships, which details the ways you can get out of a relationship (romantic or non-romantic) ditch. When we are experiencing conflict in our relationships, we tend to want a complete 180 change from that person. However, it’s important to realize that it takes time to develop good habits and it takes time to overcome past development experiences that have consciously or unconsciously shaped who we are. TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] What inspired Charlene to write her book? [6:15] Charlene’s book, Unstuck, is for every relationship, whether it be romantic, work-related, or platonic. [9:40] Our deepest fear is abandonment and rejection. A ‘me’ focused person tries to protect themselves from feeling abandoned. The ‘others’ focused person tries to protect themselves from rejection. [13:55] The first thing towards getting unstuck is to develop awareness and the second is to set realistic expectations for yourself; huge change comes from tiny steps. [14:55] Sometimes you have to take two steps back to take one step forward. Your brain takes time to adjust to new changes. [17:35] Name your fears out loud when you start to feel like you’re being abandoned or rejected. Where are these feelings coming from? [24:30] Why is it that therapists constantly look at the past/childhood development when dealing with trauma? [28:15] When we understand what our natural default behaviors are, we can change them and become more empowered. [31:55] Running away from our fears to protect ourselves can actually be the very thing that makes your fear come true! RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bensontherapist.com Email Charlene: [email protected] Charlene on LinkedIn Unstuck: Move from Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships by Charlene Benson QUOTES: “When we don’t know how to balance what I want and what you want at the same time, we will default to our pre-programmed pattern of either giving up what I want or being the one that leads the way.” “Until we become aware of what’s going on and what we’re doing, we can’t make any change.” “We so want our spouse to change 180 degrees yesterday, but they can’t. Look for the tiny little changes instead.” “We wake up every day with the sum total of our past experiences.”

Michelle Mays is the Founder and Clinical Director of the Center for Relational Recovery with offices both in Leesburg, VA, and Washington, DC., where she and her team deliver treatment to addicts and betrayed partners. Today’s topic covers how couples can overcome betrayal after infidelity and why it’s perfectly normal to have an attachment ambivalence pattern towards the person who has hurt you. Michelle dives in on some of the challenges couples face as they build the trust back up again and underlines why the hurt partner needs a support group to help them through this chaotic time in their life. TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] If a partner cheats on you, how do you define love after that? [8:00] Dealing with cheating is difficult because it presents itself as a unique type of trauma. You begin to experience an ‘I love you today’ and ‘I hate you tomorrow’ attitude. [9:35] Our brains give us two contradicting messages at the same time. One is to repair the damage so you can find safety again in your partner and the other is to run away. [16:55] Things might seem like everything is back on track in therapy, but it takes time for the hurt partner to not be reminded by the pain. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. [19:15] Love becomes a big question mark after infidelity. It is not a given. [20:25] If you’re going to cheat, tell your partner first. Do it in real-time, not after the fact. [23:20] Michelle explains the benefits of getting the betrayed partner into a support group. [29:20] The partner recovering from betrayal is left with a massive hole for which they can get their support. You need a safe base in this chaotic time in your life. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Partner Hope Center for Relational Recovery [email protected] Dr. Barbara Steffens QUOTES: “The person you usually turn to for safety is now the person that has hurt you.” “People who have been cheated on experience attachment ambivalence. The word ambivalence means to feel two opposing things at exactly the same time.” “It starts to feel like when I’m in a safe space, I get hurt. Betrayal really takes the safety out of that.” “Cheat all you want, but ask your partner first. It’s the lying, it’s the disconnection in the relationship. This will kill a relationship.”

Rob wanted to take some time to express some of the challenges he is facing in communicating the importance of his work on this week’s episode. Rob recently attended a conference in Australia that was a bit frustrating to experience. Facts matter in the therapy world and it seems that people prefer to listen to the loudest of voices instead of the experts who have dedicated their lives and education to addiction and therapy. Everyone wants you to take a side or to think in absolutes, but therapists don’t take sides. Therapists guide you in choosing what’s right for you. TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] We don’t really have all the research about porn addiction yet. [3:50] Porn can be bad for some people, but it doesn’t mean that it’s bad for everyone. [4:35] When Rob spoke at a conference in Australia about his neutral beliefs about porn and porn addiction, people were disappointed. When attending scientific conferences, it’s important to present facts; not opinions. [5:55] Unfortunately, people who are anti-porn hold very strong beliefs about it, but they might not necessarily have the clinical knowledge on how addiction really works. A lot of speakers were not citing statistics or facts in their talks. [7:45] It’s a catch 22. Anti-porn people do not want to talk about the positives of porn and sexual health professionals don’t want to talk about the negatives of porn and sex addiction. What you need is a balance and you can’t have that if you are very biased towards one belief or the other. [8:15] Rob makes the connection about how people feel about porn addiction to how people felt about prohibition back in the day. It was deeply rooted in moral, religious beliefs, with conservative overtones. [9:15] Fear sells. All you have to do is pick a side and think in absolutes, and you will be very popular. Rob doesn’t believe this is the best approach. [12:55] Rob and some of his fellow colleagues, who hold PhDs on the subject, were turned down to speak because event organizers preferred the speaker who had more media contacts, who were ‘marketable’, or even paid more for a booth. It’s a sad state when fame is preferred over expert knowledge at scientific conferences! [17:20] How can you do mental health treatment without asking about human sexuality? It sets Rob’s hair on fire when there is such a big disconnect in this area. [22:05] When you use the word ‘addiction’, you are not shaming yourself. You are embracing your vulnerabilities. You have limits and you learned what they are. That’s a good thing. [24:55] You can never debate facts to people who have very strong emotional beliefs or opinions. You will always lose. [26:15] Rob doesn’t understand why the sexual world is so split on certain issues when we all use the same methods and techniques to treat patients. Life would be so much better if we can just come together and work together. RESOURCES: The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Dr. Gail Dines Dr. David Ley Prohibition: A Film by Ken Burns and Lynn Novick QUOTES: “I don’t really decide for you or for anyone else whether porn is good or porn is bad because I think I would be a bad therapist.” “Believe me, fear sells. I can show you a thousand images from online porn that would make you tell me porn is horrible.” “When we’re talking about our pleasures and our human desires, I think it’s always a bad idea to be in black and white.” “That’s an anti-expert experience. When the person who shouts the loudest on Twitter or online or on TV gets the most attention, it doesn’t mean they have the most knowledge.”

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized author and expert in both the management of chronic pain with opioids and in addictive sexual disorders. She returns to the show to talk about the important topic of the difference between addiction and physical dependence, and what each experience looks like in terms of diagnosis and treatment. Dr. Schneider also talks about what physical dependence is, the signs of addiction, and why the two continue to get confused. Dr. Schneider and Rob also discuss how we can manage situations as consumers truly looking for effective pain management, and provide resources where people can learn more and reach out for further help. TAKEAWAYS: [4:53] Dr. Schneider defines physical dependence as the drug-producing a change in your body as a response to no longer taking the drug. [6:48] When you stop taking a drug suddenly, you will not only experience withdrawal symptoms resulting from your physical dependence, but you will likely also resume the symptoms responsible for taking the medication in the first place. [8:20] Opioids have two different effects. One is that they cause physical dependence, or your body’s response of adapting to them. The other is they cause addiction. [9:55] There is a misunderstanding when using the term “chemically dependent” and referring only to an addict. Physical dependency happens to everyone that is on an opioid after a few days, and the body adjusts to the prescribed dosage. [13:42] Dr. Schneider categorizes addiction into these following descriptions: The loss of control and inability to stop, or to use the medication as prescribed. Continuation to use despite significant and adverse consequences. Preoccupation with use of the drugs. [19:48] Although it is harder than ever to get a prescription for opioids to manage pain, the drug-related overdose deaths are at an all-time high. This is for many reasons, one being that now people are starting to get their drugs on the street, leading to them taking drugs that could be mixed with dangerous and even lethal substances. [22:14] There have also been some findings that opioids may treat depression and anxiety, and people may find themselves feeling better not only because their pain is treated, but their mood may be better than ever. [26:10] Tolerance is still a concept that there is much misunderstanding about. With opioids, some side effects people develop a tolerance to, and some people continue to have the same effects. Dr. Schneider shares a personal story on how pain isn’t the same due to the disease progression, not the opioids. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Back from Betrayal Closer Together Further Apart Always Turned On Jennifer Schneider The 5 Most Misunderstood Terms in Pain Medicine QUOTES: “There’s been confusion about the word ‘dependent’.” “We need to avoid the word ‘dependent’ because it’s good to rely on a medication that can save your life.” “Addiction is about behavior.” “There are people who are in genuine pain and now the response is ‘You are just going to have to deal with it’.”

Dr. Sonnee Weedn, Ph.D., is a clinical and forensic psychologist in private practice in Novato, CA with a newly added satellite office in her hometown of Newport Beach, CA. She is also the author of Many Blessings and a contributor to Making Advances. Dr. Weedn joins the show to talk about the 8 Ways to Wellbeing For Recovering People Workbook, and how her work with Dr. Walsh led her to pull together these foundational habits that create profound results for those in healing and recovery. Dr. Weedn names the 8 ways to wellbeing, and actionable ways we can get started in moving ahead with each one. TAKEAWAYS: [5:20] Dr. Weedn was asked to present at the Tibetan Medical Conference, and she thought long and hard about how to best inform an International audience made up of many types of culture. She was previously introduced to the work of Dr. Roger Walsh, a professor at UC Irvine Medical School, and realized how his evidence-based research could very much work for those in recovery. [6:23] Lifestyle habits are foundational to support both our physical and mental health. [10:03] These healthy lifestyle habits are cross-culturally relevant, and anyone can do them at little cost. It’s also important for people to note that they won’t see drastic change all at once. The point is not to get overwhelmed, it’s to make little changes here and there that will bring their emotional life into as much balance as possible. [13:55] The 8 Ways to Wellbeing: Nutrition. Having good, nutritious and pure food is important. Read food labels and feed yourself well. Good nutrition is so important for recovery from any malady, physical or mental. Exercise. Exercise keeps the brain healthy and the blood pumping. We are meant to move every day, and even just a brisk walk is a great start. Relaxation. Dr. Weedn refers to it as rest without sleeping, and something that takes us away from the hustle and bustle and creates a sense of peace and mindfulness. Recreation. This aspect is important, especially for people with addiction. Relationship. May be the most important in terms of mental health. The more positive interactions we have, the better off we will be mentally. Good relationship skills can be learned over time. Time in nature. Nature is healing. Get outdoors every day. Giving back. A spirit of altruism reminds us that there is life beyond us. Spiritual Practice that is definable. Whether it’s religious or you make up your own, it needs to emphasize love, acceptance, generosity and meaning. [31:48] It’s all about accountability, and holding the space for yourself and others to do the work. In the workbook, there are sections where you can name who will hold you accountable. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Dr. Sonnee Weedn Eight Ways to Wellbeing Angeles Arrien 8 Ways to Wellbeing YouTube [email protected] Dr. Roger Walsh Tibetan Medical Conference QUOTES: “Our daily healthy habits support our mental and physical health.” “We have to feed people well in order to help them heal.” “This is the work of a lifetime, and it doesn’t happen in 30 days of treatment.” “Nature is always changing, and it’s a good place for us to be when we are in change.”

Dr. Jennifer Schneider, M.D., PhD, is a nationally recognized expert in addictive sexual disorders and in the management of chronic pain with opioids, an area that certainly needs more exposure. She joins the show to talk about what happens when a betrayed partner feels as though they want to end the relationship and a few real-life examples of why someone may want to leave for good. She gives her own personal experience with the subject and discusses the personal growth that needs to occur in order for someone to walk away. She and Rob also discuss the books they have written together, the importance of support groups, and resources for betrayed partners experiencing trauma. TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Dr. Schneider is the author of 15 books and numerous articles in professional journals. She and Rob also have written two together, including Closer Together, Further Apart and Always Turned On. [4:00] Dr. Schneider was a betrayed partner herself and discusses the self confidence and awareness she developed to get clarity and realize she was ready to leave the situation. [5:26] Betrayed partners need support, and they have to be okay with the independence and inner work that comes with leaving a situation that no longer serves them. [13:15] The partner that acted out may have a totally different story after recovery than while they are in a mode of lying and cheating. It is possible that partners will find out later that there are even more lies than they thought, and they have to decide whether they want to stick around to make that distinction or not. [15:48] Dr. Schneider found that things shifted for her own personal relationship once she was able to understand the patterns and behavior of her then husband. She took a first step by going to Al-Anon, and began to get the skills and self esteem to build up her own self confidence. [18:10] There is power in support from others. Dr. Schneider has found it very beneficial to attend support groups and found the benefits one of the biggest gifts in healing. [21:55] Betrayed partners are going through a major trauma, but Dr. Schneider doesn’t see them as solely a victim. [24:02] By healing our own wounds we become less needy and vulnerable, and are able to make better decisions intellectually about love. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Back from Betrayal Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness Closer Together, Further Apart Always Turned On Al-Anon Jennifer Schneider QUOTES: “The answer comes from who you are, and what you want from life and yourself.” “As long as it’s too fearful to end the relationship, you will stay and make excuses.” “All of our needs come up when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.”

Dina Haddad is a family law mediator and principal of Families First Mediation. She joins the show this week to talk with Rob about the options couples have when being together isn’t the best option, and how she helps her clients navigate the often painful and rocky road of not being together. Dina talks about what it is they do in meditation, the difference between mediation and litigation, and why it’s important for couples to try and work together on coming to an agreement that works in the best interest of everyone. TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] Reconciliation can work for some couples, but it is not always the best answer. Dina works with clients who feel they are better off parting ways, and explains the different choices they face when getting divorced. [5:02] Litigation uses the court system to complete divorce. Through attorney representation, litigation can be very cut and dry and much of the time is used on rule abiding and procedural matters. Mediation puts the parties in control while still getting guidance and support on the laws through experts like Dina. Mediation is also far less expensive than traditional choices such as litigation. [11:10] The process of divorce can be extremely emotionally challenging for all parties, especially betrayed partners who are experiencing much hurt and anger. If it’s appropriate for the situation, Dina can recommend a therapist for her clients to work with throughout the process. [13:13] Working with a professional also provides structure, confidentially, and an objective third party. [17:28] Dina has created a DIY program for divorce in California called The Complete Divorce. This takes couples from beginning to end in the process and explains all the forms with step by step tutorials. There are also resources provided if they do want to talk with a professional for even further support. [23:08] When there is hurt and pain involved, couples will want to punish their partner, come up with scare tactics, or even just make things “fair”. The law doesn’t always cater to this, and this is why it’s important for couples to take a step back and come up with a manageable and efficient parenting plan for all involved. [28:12] Parenting schedules can be different for every family, and can suit whatever is best for the children and the parents. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Families First Mediation San Jose Counseling QUOTES: “The scariest part of divorce is being confronted in a very difficult time in your life with a very difficult legal process.” “Healing your relationship doesn’t always mean staying together.” “Everybody has a different sense of fairness, it just depends on what side you are sitting at.”

Dr. Todd Love is a board-certified coach, licensed professional counselor and licensed attorney with a unique and broad background. He joins the show to talk with Rob about his own clinical practice in Athens, GA and exactly what ADHD is, how we diagnose it, and why it so strongly affects both the healing of addictions and relationship issues. Dr. Love shares his own personal experience with ADHD, what he has seen change in the field of diagnosis and treatment for ADHD throughout the years, the symptoms and signs, and what recovery may look like. Dr. Love and Rob also discuss how it shows up in childhood, relationships, and addiction, as well as resources where someone could get an evaluation. TAKEAWAYS: [2:54] Historically, people thought of ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) as something that affected only children, and more specifically, young males. It is now a more or less equal issue and shows up in more places than just the early childhood classroom. [4:38] ADHD is a whole other different type of issue than mania. [5:27] If you run into a therapist who has worked with that issue for a while and have safety and understanding, work with this person as they are likely to have empathy and compassion towards that subject. [6:08] Up to 20-40% of “intensity seekers” have an existing ADHD problem that is contributing to or the cause of an addiction. Intensity seekers can be thrill seeking or novelty seeking that leads to problem behavior patterns such as gambling, sex addiction and overspending. [8:41] In order to get the ADHD diagnosis, the addiction would need to be quelled. A lot of treatment centers don’t screen for ADHD and instead look for disorders, and they may even have people stop their medications, which makes the problem worse. [13:41] It can be a very emotional shift for an adult who gets diagnosed and treated after years of struggling with symptoms and consequences from problematic behaviors due to their ADHD. [19:40] The partner of someone with ADHD needs to have compassion and understanding on this issue, otherwise it may cause a lot of frustration, miscommunication, and resentment. Dr. Love makes himself vulnerable and discloses that he does have ADHD, so others know he isn’t being rude or dismissive if he is moving around or distracted while talking. [26:43] Official diagnosis come from doctors or neuropsychological testing, since school systems require formal diagnosing. This information can then be brought to a therapist or psychiatrist. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) among longer-term prison inmates is a prevalent, persistent and disabling disorder The Couples Guide to Thriving With ADHD CHADD ADD.org DocToddLove.com QUOTES: “Don’t be afraid of those who have worked through their own issues and are now working with you.” “You make yourself intimate to people by telling them things you would rather hide.” “In order to make it intimate, and for us to be real with each other, I have to tell you my truth.” “If you live with someone with ADHD, it requires a consistent compromise to make it work.”

Carol Juergensen Sheets, Coach, Columnist, Therapist and Speaker joins the show today to talk about her best selling workbook and roadmap, Help. Her. Heal, written to help both betrayed partners and addicts overcome the trauma associated with infidelity. She and Rob talk about her focus on empathy towards the betrayed partner, and resources within the workbook where couples can start rebuilding trust and intimacy. Carol is always one step ahead in the field, and spreads her message to thousands using her coaching, videos, books, and podcasts. TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Many times sex addicts struggle with truly feeling empathatic towards the partner they betrayed. Carol’s techniques and formulas help the addict learn to acknowledge pain, validate the partner’s feelings, and reassure that things in the future will be different. When we work from the premise that the sex addict is the one responsible for the pain, we can start to rebuild (or build) empathy, and it is a cyclical dance of healing for both. [5:32] Carol describes her formula for empathy and building trust: Acknowledge the issue and the source of pain (take responsibility). Validate the feelings of their partner instead of dismissing or minimizing them. Learn to identify what they see on their partner such as anger, sadness, loneliness, fear or happiness. Identify the plan in forward-thinking and be ready to be a safe container for all their fears and feelings throughout the process. [11:34] After a betrayal, it may not always get back to normal right away or even ever at all. It is important that both parties stick through the process and continue to do their best to be honest and vulnerable. [11:51] Carol explains that out of every trauma that anyone can go through, partner betrayal ranks very high towards the top. A trauma bond occurs and if not worked through, the partner will most likely not be able to trust again. [13:02] Healing isn’t an overnight process. It may take the same amount of time in healing for betrayal as it does for an addict to heal their brain, sometimes even over 3-5 years. [18:40] Working on the relationship provides an opportunity for parents to show their children what it looks like when two adults trust, respect, and listen to each other. [23:11] Help. Her. Heal is something the addict will read and buy, but the betrayed partner is encouraged to be in on the work as well. It will work best when they use it and apply the principles together. The work can also be shared with any therapist or clinician the couple is working with. [24:55] Carol has the oldest running podcast in the field of sexual addiction and partner betrayal on the internet. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Out of the Doghouse Help. Her. Heal BlogTalkRadio -- Carol the Coach Carol the Coach Carol the Coach YouTube Patrick Carnes APSATS QUOTES: “Addicts want empathy in their life, and they want to learn it because they don’t have it.” “A partner wants to know that the addict gets her pain, and he caused it.” “Partners typically want to stay in the relationship.”

Kim Buck, CSAT and Clinical Director of Family Strategies Counseling Center in Arizona, joins the show this week. Kim and Rob discuss the differences between the Prodependence model vs. Codependence, the interesting results she is finding using this model at her own center, and what is helpful for partners to understand when dealing with betrayal and loving an addict. She and Rob also share why the Prodependence model gives betrayed partners support and compassion in crisis rather than judgment or blame, along with the freedom to examine themselves as much as they wish, when they wish. TAKEAWAYS: [5:05] Betrayed partners are typically in deep trauma and crisis when dealing with the bad behavior of their addict, and understanding Prodependence gives the perspective of supporting them in their desire to just try and be helpful, instead of being the cause or the one to blame. [9:30] Kim has her clients look at what is right in the relationship, and what, if anything, is worth saving. [11:33] Instead of looking for a pathology or reason the betrayed partner caused the addicts behavior, Prodependence deals with the crisis at hand to try and let the partner feel their feelings and begin to get some sense of safety while in such trauma. [13:50] While other models talk more about the betrayed partners history and past, often times they are just there to get support in the moment. [16:04] Betrayed partners tend to let go of their own care while attempting to save their relationship and family. In this time of emotional freefall, judging them only produces more fear, hurt, shame and self doubt. [22:22] It is very common for addicts to blame the spouse, and that also is very hurtful. [24:10] Kim works with her betrayed clients to validate and support them, show them it wasn’t their fault for the addicts behavior, then help them find boundaries and useful ways to show up in the relationship if they choose to continue. [26:33] Codependency often calls for detaching from the addict so they can suffer on their own, but this is not always sustainable or healthy for either partners. We have to figure out what is saveable and why they want to be in the relationship, and then work on it from there. [29:22] Kim finds it’s a natural process to want more understanding down the road, but they can explore the past later once the crisis is over. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] William White [email protected] Family Strategies Counseling Center QUOTES: “We have to look at strengths individually, and what has gone right in this relationship and what you want to save.” “When you love someone, you just do what you can to make their life better.” “Don’t question your love for someone.” “What I really need, is just space to feel.” “It’s very easy for caretakers to find themselves in a deficit.” “The most power you have is a gentle invitation that is offered by example.”

Dan Griffin, M.A. is an internationally recognized author, thought leader, and expert who has dedicated his life and work to redefining what it means to be a man in the 21st century. He joins the show this week to talk with Rob about rewriting the rules and rigidity of what it means to really be a man, and the benefits men can get when they get in touch with their own feelings and deeply connect with others. TAKEAWAYS: [2:57] A few of the rules that the world has set up for boys at a young age to define what makes a real man: Don’t cry. Real men don’t cry, and if you do it shows weakness. Don’t ask for help. Don’t be weak or vulnerable, or “like a girl”. Don’t be gay. Be a protector and provider. Use sex as the main form of intimacy, and have as sex with as many hot chicks as possible. Success defines who we are, and second place is the first loser. [8:04] A large portion of men find they have no one to talk to or deeply communicate with, and this further creates a disconnection to self and the tendency to shut out others. [11:21] We’re all like fish in the water, feeding off the same environment affecting each other with our actions. When an environment is supportive and fosters growth, it is more likely a man will shine and feel comfortable to show his true self. [12:03] The rules themselves aren’t bad, but get in the way because they mandate without choice. There’s nothing wrong with strength and power, it's rigidity that blocks emotion and connection. [14:43] Gay men have an experience of having multiple rules: ones set up for gay men, women and straight men all at once. [20:38] We would all benefit if men are able to get in touch with their own emotions, and in turn they could access more empathy and understanding when women share their story. [28:02] Crisis can be an opportunity to get vulnerable and open us up to meaningful, deep conversation. [28:39] Each man has the right to choose what type of man he wants to be, which Dan terms as conscious masculinity. [29:44] Men define intimacy via sex, and it is important to talk about breakdowns in the area before it gets to point where the partner cheats. [33:18] With suicide rates being higher than ever, the impact of feeling isolated and disconnected is more serious than it’s ever been. [35:17] We highly benefit when we go below the surface the people in our lives and show them the true authentic selves. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Dan Griffin A Man’s Way Through Relationships Terry Real I Don’t Want to Talk About It Dr. Allen Berger American Psychological Association The Good Men Project QUOTES: “This is the armor that protects us, and it’s not a well constructed identity.” “When you are alone and you look in the mirror, can you hold eye contact with the man that you see?” “Such an amazing opportunity for connection and love gets undone because we can’t talk to each other.” “It starts with taking a risk, and men have to be willing to take a risk to open up to somebody else.” “The man rules are antisocial and narcissistic.”

Ian Friedman is one of the most sought after criminal defense lawyers in the country, and a partner at the Cleveland based firm Friedman and Nemecek. He joins the show to talk with Rob about the diverse nature of cases that he takes on, including criminal, cyber crimes and white collar manners. He talks about the law needing to catch up with the new crimes we are presently dealing with, and how sexually based charges fall within one of the toughest areas of law. Ian discusses how he and his clients deal with the potential major stigmas and penalties attached, and resources available to people who want to discover more. TAKEAWAYS: [1:04] Based in Cleveland, Ohio, Ian Friedman has served as chief legal counsel on behalf of individuals and entities from coast to coast and as far as Europe, Asia, and South America. In addition to his legal work, he is also an Adjunct Professor of Law at the Cleveland-Marshall College of Law teaching Computers & Criminal Law. [2:38] Despite handling countless murder cases, people look at those that are merely charged with offenses with a hefty amount of judgement and paint the term “sex offenders” with a very wide stroke. To Ian, a sex offender can be many things on a broad spectrum. For example, it can be at 19 year old engaging in a sexual relationship with a girlfriend that is 16, or as far as people exploiting children, or engaging in non consensual physical acts with adults or minors. [4:37] Ian has taught about cyber crime since 2006, and it all changes so fast that it is necessary to talk about present cases in order to even catch up. Cyber crime examples can be online exploitation, hacking, third party intrusions, crypto currency offenses, online stalking and any sort of online financial crimes. He teaches his students to be able to both educate while still showing respect for the bench. [7:49] The Fourth Amendment touches about people’s right to privacy and prohibits unreasonable searches and seizures. This has also shifted and expanded a great deal as more and more cases deal with uncovering things within a people’s computer and search history. [9:53] Misdemeanors could (all jurisdictions are different) be anything from soliciting prostitutes, exhibisionism, etc. These carry very harsh consequences of embarrassment, loss of relationships and work. [13:02] Our laws are not caught up to technology, and we are using dated laws to fit new offenses in. There is a lack of understanding, and Ian believes it’s not always law itself but the sentencing of that law. [17:55] Charges on sexual offending also have one of the highest rates of false allegations because there can be ulterior motives. This stresses the importance of taking into account the motivations behind an accusation. [21:17] When Ian meets with a client for the first time, they are often terrified and mortified. Ian lets them know there is no judgement. He also has set up a network of former clients and family members to help support the new client. Treatment and rehab are not the final step, but more like an important step in the right direction. [30:11] Due to the strong stigma and penalties associated with accusations of this nature, it is so critical to work with people who have expertise in this particular area of the law. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] American Board Criminal Lawyers [email protected] Ian Friedman Cleveland-Marshall College of Law QUOTES: “It’s a very tough landscape for anyone that finds themselves involved in allegations of a sex crime.” “We are dealing with crimes that we weren’t dealing with 6 months ago, and that’s why I can’t even order a textbook for this class. By the time it comes, it’s outdated.” “Sexting is a little bit like sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” “You need to go to people who have been doing the work for a while.”

Tim Stein is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, engaged in helping couples find the love they are meant to have. Tim is the co-founder of Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and works with sex addicts and their partners providing individual, group, and couples therapy. Tim is a bright and rising star in the field of sex addiction, and speaks about the expected betrayed partner responses, along with the honesty that must be present in order for true healing and recovery to occur. TAKEAWAYS: [3:19] Tim co-founded Willow Tree Counseling in Santa Rosa, and this gives an opportunity to people on the central coast of California a place to go during this time of trauma and recovery. [5:32] Tim understood addict recovery, and got to understand the trauma betrayed partners really went through after working with a colleague. This folded into the partners sensitivity movement, which also goes along with the idea of Prodependence. [7:38] When a partner is betrayed, there are certain “predictable unpredictable” behaviors and responses. This individual has just had their bottom fall out beneath them, and also may have felt denied of their intuition and devalued for quite some time. [11:04] Even before a cheating partner is caught, chances are their energy is less than completely loving and connected with their partner. They may start to be even more forgetful, cold or distant, and may be resentful towards their partner to try and justify their bad behavior. [16:10] Partners can pick up on this energy can have autoimmune or libido issues before the cheating is out in the open. They can pick up on the possible shame and guilt the addict feels, and these cues can cause real physical and emotional symptoms. [19:02] It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability, and even tougher when the addict is in recovery. However, it is part of the important process of building back true trust with their partner and loved ones. [23:05] Most of the relationships that Tim sees fail occur when the addict isn’t able to do the rigorous work of total honesty and disclosure to make their partner feel safe and understood. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Seeking Integrity Tim Stein MFT Willow Tree Santa Rosa Out of the Dog House QUOTES: “It’s hard to love someone and hurt them at the same time.” “Every lie is going to be seen as an example about how you are probably lying about everything.” “It’s not a comfortable thing to admit struggle and vulnerability.”

It’s a solo show today as Rob discusses treatment and the crucial healing elements that must be in place when working with addicts. He talks about his experience running the Seeking Integrity treatment center for over 25 years, and how groups can model the closeness and connection that addicts may miss in their upbringing. He also discusses the role of integrity, and how addiction is not an excuse for bad behavior but rather an indicator that one is struggling with issues and trying to work on them. TAKEAWAYS: [1:58] Often times someone will say they are entering themselves in a treatment center for one reason, but first we have to really understand why they are coming in. While being a better person is certainly an appropriate goal, it’s really about having integrity and living in a way that doesn’t harm yourself or someone else. Integrity is so important to healing, that is why Rob named his treatment center Seeking Integrity. [4:05] Addicts are usually unable to get their needs met in healthy and positive ways, and this leads to them living a separate and compartmentalized life, and getting what they want through manipulative behavior. Healing will begin as they start to take care of their own emotional needs and the needs of others instead of slipping into behavior that allows them to disappear into fantasy. [8:33] Many addicts did not have a model for healthy families or intimacy from their own family while growing up. Understanding that this would cause trauma is called Trauma Informed Treatment. Therapists will understand they have a deep and enduring problem with intimacy and closeness and perhaps are using drugs as an escape. [11:26] Trauma is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to honor and acknowledge triggers and emotional touch points that keep us disconnected and separated from true intimacy and connection. [14:33] One of the most important elements of healing is relationships. Groups and programs can give addicts the kind of family experience they never had growing up, and for the first time ever they can learn to depend on other people. [25:02] If treatment is done right, the clients will get a deep sense that people can be there for them and still give them support. [29:08] Integrity comes from integration and bringing separate parts together into a whole. Recovery is about not having anything to hide. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “The primary problem is not sexual addiction or drug use — that’s the symptom.” “Groups bring isolated people together in a place to talk about painful topics and get support — that’s almost like a healthy family.” “If you put me in the right environment with the right support — I will get better.” “You don’t recover alone.” “Being an addict is not an excuse, it’s a responsibility.” “In order to receive love you have to live a life of integrity.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is an EMDR therapy master trainer and author of 5 books including Process: Not Perfection and creator of the Dancing Mindfulness approach to expressive arts therapy. Dr. Jamie joins the show to talk about expressive arts solutions for trauma recovery, what trauma work is, how someone knows if they have trauma, and the resources to begin working on it. She and Rob also talk about both the similarities and differences of trauma work in addiction and therapy and what the two could stand to learn from each other to give even more support to those affected. TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Jamie worked in Humanitarian Aid in Bosnia in 2000-2003, and she met Janet, a mentor that got her on her own path to recovery. Janet validated so much of her experience in addiction by telling her “It’s no wonder you became addicted after everything you went through, but what are you going to do about it now?”. This was the first time someone framed it in a way that made sense, and put her own trauma into perspective. It challenged her to take action and really work on her issues. [5:54] Often times we associate trauma with putting the responsibility on someone, especially when it is from our early childhood. Jamie explains that it is good to practice mindfulness, but first we have to explore why one is difficult to stay in the moment in the first place. [10:46] The idea of safety and a commitment to the well being of the addict is strong from both the addiction and therapy treating camps. It’s not productive to keep citing trauma without addiction, so to explore one we have to consider the other. Jamie will have a conversation with her clients about what safety really means, and how it’s okay and not “bad” or “wrong” if they aren’t able to feel perfectly safe right away, or even ever. [12:21] Jamie defines trauma as any unhealed human wound. It can come in different forms such as physical, mental, emotional, and trauma work is the broad spectrum of connection and activities that helps us know that we are not our thoughts, feelings and sensations, we are just the person that has them. [17:23] Whether your trauma is associated in your memory or not, it can play out in how the body responds. The body may react thinking it’s protecting itself, and so much of trauma work needs to involve embodied activities that help you realize a more adaptive kind of coping. It is possible that through this work, people will feel their feelings for the first time in a long time. [25:40] Jamie encourages us to give it 3 sessions with a therapist to see if there is a connection and see if they give you choice with the treatment options they offer. For example, they may be able to work with you through cognitive therapy, expressive arts work, and EMDR. [28:20] Both a 12 Step Group and expressive arts work allows us a safe place to connect with ourselves and others. [31:55] Jamie provides much value and resources for everyone. Her latest book, Process Not Perfection, can be an addition to therapy or a self guided resource for healing. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Dr. Christine Courtois The Body Keeps the Score Trauma Made Simple Process Not Perfection Dr. Jamie Marich Jamie Marich YouTube @drjamiem Dancing Mindfulness QUOTES: “I had no idea that trauma had so many broader applications.” “It’s not the wound itself that causes us problems, it’s when the wound remains unhealed.” “Part of healing and empowerment is realizing you have a choice in the matter.”

Even those of us with the most education and opportunities can still end up struggling with intimacy, drugs, and addiction. Executive Coach Dr. Ryan Bayley joins the show today to discuss his work helping professionals redesign their life events to close the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Ryan draws from his own experience in Emergency Medicine to coach physicians from anywhere to burnout to just looking to find more stability in their life. He also shares why physicians have a high burnout rate of almost 60%, what burnout looks like, what types of situations tend to get professionals in trouble, and how working with a coach can help. TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Ryan himself is double-boarded in Emergency Medicine and Emergency Medical Services, and holds an adjunct faculty position at the Duke University School of Medicine. Ryan went to medical school at Vanderbilt University School of Medicine and completed his undergraduate at Harvard University. [2:05] Ryan became a coach because he feels physicians and high performing individuals should feel engaged and challenged, and yet not at the cost of being able to honor what is important to them outside of work. [3:08] Often the high performing professions are in an environment where they have a lot of responsibility and there is little tolerance for error or weakness. This is especially true for physicians, and burnout will cause them to act out and possibly lose a career for which they sacrificed years and much of their identity. Physicians have a 60% burnout rate, and a single act of disruptive behavior can lead to them losing their license completely. [14:37] As a coach, Ryan sits down with his client and helps develop a vision step by step of where they want to be from a holistic point of view. They then map out action steps to get there, and the accountability steps it will take to move forward towards that vision. This is similar to the mindfulness and support that a sponsor for a 12 Step program would give someone they are working with. [22:25] It is possible to be very smart, and yet emotionally empty and dissatisfied at the same time. Physicians especially are often very high achievers, perfectionists and do extreme work. They “need to be needed” and Ryan works with them to have them achieve as much health in their career, or possibly realize they are ready for a career change. [28:42] Since physicians rely on trust from their patients and the families of their patients, there is little room for instability and symptoms of burn out. Having a coach like Ryan can help them find stability and reflection to do their best, so their health is in good shape to in turn help others. [32:41] Working with a coach is a two way street, and it is important to discuss goals with your potential coach to see if it is a match for both parties. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Physicians Health Program Ryan Bayley, M.D. (919) 951-7709 QUOTES: “Our intellect and emotions can run on two different tracks.” “Knowing what you want to move towards is likely to result in sustained change.” “You can be very smart, and also very empty emotionally.”

Debra Kaplan, MA, LPC, LISAC, CMAT, CSAT-S specializes in helping adults and adolescents overcome addictions, issues related to sex and love, relationship struggles and unresolved traumatic stress. Today she shares information on how sex, money, and power play a role in addiction, what her experience was like working in the heavily male-dominated environment of Wall Street, what monetized rage is, and the first steps one must take in order to break free of the need for external validation to feel worthy and safe. TAKEAWAYS: [3:35] Although we do see abuse of sex and power in a large public forum, it can also happen in subtle ways. It may even be hard to notice that one is being abused, and not always understood by the one being controlled. [5:16] Monetized rage speaks to the monetary exploitation of one individual by another. It can be an exchange of sex for money, cutting off funds, or only giving funds when a certain monetary need is met. [6:20] There is a self centeredness that exists with sexual exploitation. It can take place when there is a power differential, at any level of income and any demographic, age or gender. [12:46] It is almost a universal experience that women have to put on some type of armor to just exist in a culture where remarks and suggestive behavior run rampant. [17:22] Women gear up to protect themselves one way or another in subtle ways. This can look like dressing down at work intentionally, or trying to also be overtly sexual to deflect unwanted attention. [23:09] The greatest factors that negatively impact relationships and cause divorce are finance and work stresses, and cheating / infidelity. Debra works on helping couples realize their individual value, and what each of them bring to make the relationship better. [27:40] In a culture that thrives on showing off money, sex, and power, it is imperative for people to know their self worth as a human individual. [32:41] Social media has given us a 24/7 access to keep up with the Joneses, so it’s important to know that it’s just a highlight reel of people’s lives, and there is much under the surface we don’t see. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Debra Kaplan Debra Kaplan Counseling Facebook Debra Kaplan Counseling LinkedIn For Love and Money Decades After ‘Boom Boom Room’ Suit, Bias Persists for Women QUOTES: “What can go wrong when you have sex, money, and power?” “Abuse can happen in subtle, overt ways.” “Whatever I accomplished had to be 3x what my male colleague achieved.” “Wall Street has been immune from the front page social media fodder.”

Rob is joined with colleague and friend Andrew Susskind in today’s episode to talk about the issues that surround recovery and healing. They discuss what to expect during recovery, and where some may still be stuck even if they are moving forward. Andrew is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Brainspotting Practitioner and Certified Group Psychotherapist. They also discuss his book It’s Not About the Sex, Andrew’s work with the nervous system, and the resources available to help others understand themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [4:02] Addiction, in general, is typically based in broken-heartedness and feeling unworthy. This could be something from someone’s past or early developmental trauma that gets them into a pattern where they are seeking to fill the “hole in the soul” with addictive compulsive behavior. [7:39] It’s a double problem between the shame that the addiction brings, and the actual feelings that cause the addiction in the first place. [10:50] Unless there is real help offered in the early stages, it is common for people to act out what has been done to them. Once there is some kind of abuse or trauma where our nervous system has trouble balancing, it can feel like anxiety, panic, or dissociation. [14:15] Andrew helps his clients with somatic awareness to understand more about what’s happening in the body including thoughts, memories, and sensations. When he discovered this work, it opened up a whole new level of questions to get down to the core of the information coming from their body. [18:02] As a social worker, it is Andrew’s job to help people find help and healing despite how much money and time they have. [21:12] We are biologically hardwired for connection, and true recovery lies in being able to feel loveable, desirable, and worthy of others believing in us. [22:49] Some of the themes that Andrew addresses in It’s Not About the Sex have to do with grief, shame, narcissism, emotional sobriety, regulating the nervous system, and knowing there will be stumbling and fumbling along the way. [24:49] Connection is important, but having people that are emotionally dependable who can be there in a meaningful and deep way is crucial. [29:12] It takes two whole people to come together and make a really meaningful relationship and true emotional contentment. [30:56] For some it’s about trusting others, and some people may want to feel safe in the world. It comes down to each person experiencing intimacy or a meaningful connection in their life, whatever it means to them. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] It's Not about the Sex: Moving from Isolation to Intimacy After Sexual Addiction Seeking Integrity Westside Therapist [email protected] QUOTES: “It’s human nature that often what is done to us, we do to others.” “This is an opportunity to learn about yourself, and find ways that work better for you.” “Healing does not take place in isolation, you have to sit with another human being.”

Dr. David Fawcett returns to the show today to talk with Rob about all the different ways that drug and sex addiction intersects, what exactly chem sex is and announces their new project Seeking Integrity, the first series of treatment environments that address both issues. David is a therapist, author of Lust, Men and Meth, and expert in methamphetamines and stimulants in sexual behavior. They also discuss the traditional challenges in treating drug and sex addictions together, the biological explanation of why the two fuse together, and how Seeking Integrity helps others within their connection with themselves. TAKEAWAYS: [2:07] Over time, the behavior becomes fused so that the person is unable to separate the drug addiction from the sexual problem. When you do two things at the same time and dopamine is involved, it bonds the two things together much like a Pavlovian conditioned response. [3:56] When an addict experiences an uncomfortable emotion, they go to their “medicine” such as drugs or acting out sexually. As these two become combined, they have an even harder time recovering. [4:31] Seeking Integrity’s goal is to evolve and advance treatment for addicts of all kinds so they can heal long term. One of the challenges is that this topic is not addressed in drug and alcohol recovery centers, and the two are often treated separately. [7:53] We still view sexual addiction as a moral issue rather than a medical issue. David finds it helpful to show scientifically based documentation such as brain scans to show that this is not always the case. [9:20] At Seeking Integrity they work on developing coping mechanisms to lower the chance of transferring one addiction to another. [11:21] The goal of treatment is to not be perfect right away, but to make strides towards being healthy. [13:19] The brain has to regenerate dopamine, and while the addict is recovering they may experience long periods of depression, which is why it’s important for them to work with a professional and realize that healing takes time. [17:38] A lot of addictics have a lot of trouble with intimacy, and much has to do with how they were raised and what they learned about it. [20:58] Addicts need to reset their brain chemistry so they can learn to be still, and develop relationships that foster connection, joy, and pleasure. [24:18] Finding connection is at the cornerstone of Seeking Integrity, as that is one of the strongest and most profoundly healing feelings any human can experience. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] David Fawcett Lust, Men, and Meth: A Gay Man’s Guide to Sex and Recovery Seeking Integrity What’s Wrong With Addiction Treatment Sex, Love, and Addiction - David’s podcast QUOTES: “What fires together wires together.” “We as clinicians are under trained in how to talk about sex.” “The manifestation of shame may be different, but shame underlies all addictions.” “People can have different tastes, but when it’s paired with drug behavior it’s going to link.” “Love, intimacy, and connection are the deepest sources of healing.”

Mari Lee is an author of best-selling books Facing Heartbreak and Healing Betrayal, speaker, and LMFT, a Sex Addiction Therapist, Specialist, and Supervisor. She also is the founder of Growth Counseling Services and Shine Women’s Retreat. She talks with Rob about what it is like to be a woman in her job working with both partners and addicts healing from betrayal, and how she helps her clients feel heard, resources for hope and healing, and why she loves working with addicts. TAKEAWAYS: [2:37] Mari didn’t always want to work with sex addicts. When she came into the work, her passion was about supporting traumatized partners. There wasn’t a lot of support or knowledge about working with betrayed partners, and much of it was based in codependency rather than prodependence. [4:31] Mari began to understand that the choices the addict was making had little to nothing to do with their partner. [7:25] Mari does a lot of psychoeducation with her clients about what is going on in the limbic and nervous systems. [8:55] If a partner grows up in an environment where there is shaming and much negativity, hiding and deceit become coping mechanisms and they develop a core belief that they are unloveable. Their actions then reinforce that behavior, and they need to first get help for the relationship they have with themselves. [13:18] It is often more difficult for the partner who has to look at their spouse as troubled because they want to have empathy but they are so hurt, shocked and angry. [16:45] The disclosure process, or “clinical formal disclosure” can be a very painful and traumatic time. This is a very thorough process where the addict and partner agree to come into a sacred healing space to disclose all the betrayals and hidden secrets. [17:43] Over time, a partner that is being gaslighted feels fear, obligation, and guilt. One of the most healing tools is for the addict to work with a therapist and give their partner full disclosure and truth, and the power to decide if they want to continue the relationship. [26:45] Mari wrote Facing Heartbreak for partners who can’t afford to see a therapist, or are unable to see one due to logistics, insurance or financial means. [30:14] Mari refers to her clients as survivors and thrive-rs. They may be scared at first, but she helps them move away from the idea of victimization and towards empowerment and understanding how to set tangible boundaries. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] Shine Women’s Retreat Growth Counseling Services Facing Heartbreak Healing Betrayal QUOTES: “I knew I wanted to be somebody that created healing spaces, materials, support, and community for partners in pain.” “Therapists need to educate their clients in what is going on in their nervous system and brain.” “I help a partner understand how she can share her truth.” “The intuition of human beings is one of the most powerful gifts we have. When you send a woman out in the world doubting her own intuition, you make that woman very vulnerable.” “We need to have a focused roadmap for the treatment team.”

Dr. Sue Johnson is profoundly known for her work on bonding, attachment and adult romantic relationships. She paved the way for much of the work being done now on attachment and intimacy, focused couples therapy, and her work changed the landscape of emotions based therapy. Today, she talks with Rob about EFT, Emotionally Focused Therapy, her best-selling book Hold Me Tight, and why EFT gives people hope, validation, and the connection necessary to heal themselves and possibly their wounded relationships. TAKEAWAYS: [3:04] Sue got a firsthand look at adult interaction as a young child working in her family’s pub. Through witnessing the many people night after night, she saw the power in vulnerability and compassion. This fascinated her and led her to work with distressed individuals, and ultimately distressed couples. [7:05] In a distressed couple, the conflict is just a symptom of the real problem — disconnection. [9:11] Much disconnection comes from one person pushing to be heard and the other partner shutting them out. Dr. Sue works with couples to move from the dance of automatic anger into vulnerability. [12:45] EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, helps individuals and couples look at where they may be stuck in their emotions, fears and needs and then introduces the feeling of love and safety. Through this, bonding occurs and partners have what Dr. Sue refers to as “hold me tight” conversations. [14:05] When therapists first ask how a couple fell in love in therapy, it helps them remember that there once was a connection and may diffuse some of the initial anger. [18:57] EFT first gives people hope, then validation for feeling wounded. Their partner has to understand how their actions caused so much pain, and why their wounded partner now needs safety and predictability. [22:28] After a betrayal when the wounded partner is doing “detective work” they are usually not looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay. [27:03] Technology can drive us apart, or it can call for us to be more committed than ever to human connection. [29:01] Dr. Sue follows the Pro-dependence model, and knew there was something more than the codependence model after working in many clinics and large hospitals. [30:18] Dr. Sue’s work encourages people to get addicted to the natural good feelings that come when we reach out to others as a resource, and experience authentic connection. [33:31] The more we feel connected, the less we turn to behaviors that are addictive and destructive. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] John Gottman Hold Me Tight Hold Me Tight Dr. Sue Johnson https://iceeft.com/ QUOTES: “We are all human beings that need closeness, connection and reassurance.” “You need to help your partner feel safe when you’ve wounded them.” “We need to help people connect. When they feel connected they don’t need to turn to addictions.” “Betrayed partners that do detective work aren’t usually looking for a reason to leave, they are looking for a reason to stay.”

Therapist and counselor Enod Gray joins the show today to talk about how people are affected by neglect. She and Rob discuss the types of family dynamics that often lead to neglect, how people are affected by neglect, and what solutions are out there for folks dealing with this painful and under-discussed subject. Enod is based in Houston and offers counseling through her True Self Transitions business. She also discusses her new book, Neglect — The Silent Abuser and how one can begin to heal from childhood neglect. TAKEAWAYS: [3:01] Neglect often goes undetected and unrecognized. While clients report overt abuse, neglect can be so foundational in so many issues. When neglect happens pre-verbally in a child's development, there is typically a feeling of emptiness and pain that feels as though it comes from an unknown source. [5:03] Enod names the types of situations where neglect most occurs in families. Some of the biggest ones are: When a family has a sick or handicapped child that gets the parent’s attention. When there is another sibling that is very talented in one area and it overshadows the others. Mental illness/addiction in the family. Really large families causing children to get “lost in the shuffle”. A child that was a mistake. A child that was a “miracle baby”, and the parents have everything planned. This causes the child to miss out on developing their true self. [10:21] A few crucial elements for the neglected to heal: they must go within themselves and tell the truth about what happened, and how they are going to reenact now in the present day. They must seek professional help for distractions/addictions, learn to play, and learn proper boundaries. [13:28] It often is tough for neglected people to trust others and to find an intimate connection. This isolate, in turn, can lead to depression and anxiety, so it is very important for them to find ways to connect. [16:26] Addiction can take on many forms. A few examples can be sexual addiction, the addiction to work and achieve, love addiction, or a need to prove themselves worthy so they can find “the one”. [20:02] It can be tough for men to deal with the true pain and grief neglect causes, as society tells them to be strong and stoic. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] [email protected] True Self Transitions Neglect — The Silent Abuser QUOTES: “Children need guidance, but they don’t need to be told how to feel.” “It doesn’t take much to hurt a child’s little soul and make them feel as though they shouldn’t be here.” “Inside every human being is the desire for connection.” “You have to know where you end and the other begins. First you have to know who you are.” “Allowing yourself to cry and allowing yourself to grieve is a strength, not a weakness.”

Dr. Lou Cox is a Clinical Psychologist with over 55 years of experience. In his private practice, he works as a Psychotherapist and Awareness trainer, and Addictions Specialist. Today, he and Rob discuss both the healthy and unhealthy functions of the ego, why we have an ego, and how it relates to our need for love and connection. He also shares why compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego and talks more about his book The Ghost in the Machinery. TAKEAWAYS: [1:53] Dr. Louis Cox is a Clinical Psychologist, expert in the area of addiction and alcoholism, author and also has the organizational consulting practice: EgoMechanics Inc. [3:01] We typically think of “ego” as someone that is loud, bossy and attention seeking. Dr. Cox discusses that there is the “self aggrandizing” ego, however there is also a “self diminishing ego”. This is where one presents themself in a way that doesn’t cause any conflict or rock the boat too much with the fear of losing love and feeling shame and abandonment. [4:19] We develop defenses and start conditioning our behavior by the age of 7. As we are out in the world getting feedback from our caregivers and those around us, we learn how to act in order to feel connected and accepted. It is where these behaviors become compulsive that the problems lie, and addictions typically surface. [10:32] Our egos tell us that in order be feel loved and worthy, we must create an image of what we think deserves love and connection, and then compulsively act according to it. [11:15] The ego can function both in ways that are healthy and detrimental. We need our ego to keep our connection, but it is a balance of making sure it doesn’t hinder the authentic expression of our real selves. [15:19] Addicts use for the purpose of feeling okay, where most people use primarily to have fun. [18:20] The need for autonomy and the ability to be ourselves is crucial for children. Often times when they feel as though they aren’t able to fully be themselves, issues arise. One characteristic of addiction is the denial that one is out of control. [22:18] Much of what we see as addiction and character personality problems in our culture relate profoundly to early childhood experiences of love, stimulation, validation and acceptance. [22:27] Our ego often tricks us into not speaking up about our needs due to fear of rejection and abandonment. It also may lead someone to deny their need for love, and create abusive and destructive behaviors. [27:58] Dr. Cox titled his book The Ghost in Your Machinery because our egos often operate silently and unconsciously. This book is for the community of people who have had a wake up call and are seeking good inner guidance besides the ego. It provides a set of resources to access all that the ego usually blocks for a need to stay in control. [31:31] Left to our own devices, we will default to what we learned as a defense mechanism in our early childhood. [35:41] Compassion and courage are essential to getting loose with the ego. RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency [email protected] EgoMechanics QUOTES: “The ego has upsides and downsides.” “Abandonment creates shame.” “Addicts look like everyone else, and they drink like everyone else, but their reasons are different.” “If we don’t find ways, we start to turn to ways that become problem makers rather than problem solvers.” “I write from a human experience point of view, from mine and others’.” “The ego doesn’t want any surprises.”