Crafting Solutions to Conflict

Carolyn Wilkes Kaas, Esq., Co-director, Quinnipiac University School of Law Center on Dispute Resolution, discusses the Center’s comprehensive and creative perspective on dispute resolution. Carrie is also Associate Professor of Law and recently became Associate Dean of Experiential Education, a reflection of the Law School’s commitment to that teaching philosophy. The Center’s innovative approach to law is clear from its mission and vision statements. Mission: “To partner with diverse communities in developing creative and compassionate approaches to resolving conflict”. Vision: “Re-imagining law as a healing profession”. Learn more about the Center’s role in the School of Law, trainings open to the public, and the QU-Yale Dispute Resolution Speaker Series here: https://www.qulawdisputeresolution.org/. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

As William Ury has phrased it: “Try to expand the pie before you divvy it up.” When a potentially damaging conflict is about dividing resources, think creatively about how big the pie can be. Getting to Yes, a bedrock book in the world of conflict resolution, was published by Roger Fisher and William Ury in 1981. It is filled with ideas and suggestions related to finding effective ways to reach agreements. One concept set out there is the idea that the “pie” we first envision might become bigger, to everyone’s benefit. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/

Although we value speed in many contexts, hitting the pause button can serve us well in managing conflict. We can benefit from taking a breather in an ongoing attempt to address a conflict, from thinking deliberately about when to raise a difficult issue, and when stopping for a moment before spewing a snarky comment or reacting instinctively to a statement that pushes our own hot button. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Steve Legler, family legacy advisor, shares his insights as a facilitator, mediator, and coach. Steve is based in Montreal. He has a personal perspective on family enterprise transitions and a commitment to education to help him serve families effectively. You can learn more about Steve, his books, and his blog at his website: https://shiftyourfamilybusiness.com/about/ Steve is on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/steve-legler-259065a/. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

: Embracing collaboration, creativity, and compassion allows us to handle conflict more effectively. The Purposeful Planning Institute (PPI) held its annual Rendezvous in Denver, Colorado last week. In a keynote address, founder John A. Warnick spoke of the value of Collaboration, Creativity, and Compassion as cornerstones of the work that PPI members do. Those three ideas can also be effective tools, taken together, for addressing conflict effectively. You can learn more about PPI at www.purposefulplanninginstitute.com. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Publishing my 30th episode is a marker and a cause for celebration. I started to learn to host and produce a podcast in fall, 2018. The Podcasting Fellowship was a great experience. I published a trailer in December, 2018 and then began publishing weekly in January, 2019. It’s a blast. Podcaster Joanna Penn has been at it for 10 years. I heard her anniversary episode in March, in which she spoke of the 30th published episode as an indicator that a podcaster is committed. The idea stuck with me. And here we are: episode 30!

Andrew Karlen, Esq., provides counsel to serve the legal and human needs of his client business owners. Business owners should be clear about their ultimate business goals as early as possible, and put those goals in writing. They should plan for a business exit that allows them to achieve their financial, family, and community goals – recognizing that the implementation of the plans they make with a collaborative team of advisors will likely take much more time than the planning itself will. Andy recommended the book Finish Big, by Bo Burlingham. You can reach Andy at [email protected] or his cell, 914.629.7678. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Bad conflict (the damaging, anything-but-creative kind) happens. Knee-jerk reactions don’t help. When enmeshed in a bad conflict, it can be tempting to hunt for someone to blame. That’s not always useful. Think about what may have caused the problem (objective causes? subjective causes?) and then carefully consider your next steps.

Declarations in interpersonal relationships, such as ultimatums, can do unexpected lasting damage. Ultimatums, threats, and lines in the sand are hard to walk back, can cause a loss of face, and can lead to stalemate. It’s smart to think through the risks and rewards or the costs and benefits of declarations – before issuing them. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Dr. Vanessa Avery shares insights on religious diversity training, conflict in religion, and her role as Consulting Director to the Sharing Sacred Spaces Initiative (SSSI). Vanessa shares her academic and professional path, including her interest in René Girard, the late French historian, literary critic, philosopher of social science, and author of Violence and the Sacred. Her work with SSSI has a tangible effect on those who participate in the program. Vanessa’s other work, including religious diversity training and consulting, is both practical and inspiring. You can reach Vanessa Avery by phone at 203.500.0166 or by email at [email protected]. Her website is https://vanessaavery.wordpress.com/ You can learn more about Sharing Sacred Spaces here: https://sacredspace.world/sss-initiative. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Approaching conflict with authenticity may seem difficult. Even if it is, it’s usually worth it. Perhaps the biggest advantage of authenticity is avoiding its opposite. And that’s because fake frequently fails. People usually know when the other person is not being genuine and resent it, even more than the genuine disagreement. Being authentic allows everyone involved to engage and move forward.

The phrase “yes, and” sends a different message from “yes, but”. “Yes, and” can lead to further discussion instead of rejection. The “yes, and” phrase comes from theater improvisation, where a statement is affirmed (yes) and then built upon (and). The same concept can apply in discussions about ideas and suggestions: instead of rejecting them with a list of their shortcomings (“yes, but”), acknowledge the ideas and work together on them. It’s the best kind of conflict: ideas that clash -- and also invite collaboration and creativity.

Rogério Faé Rodrigues, currently a visiting scholar in the U.S., talks about helping enterprising families, in the U.S. and in his native Brazil. Rogério describes his work, as one of the founders of Une Consultoria, as a being a facilitator as much as a consultant: helping families to decide and implement what is best for that family. He noted that “there is no way of doing succession by imposition” (a valuable insight on avoiding damaging conflict). He also named dialogue as “the most valuable tool for my work” (always good for both preventing conflict and resolving conflict.) Rogério recommended “The Power of Openness and Trust: How to Increase the Impact of Your Management Team” by Lars Clemedson. You can reach Rogério at [email protected]. His company website (which translates to English very well) is https://unesucessao.com.br/.

Managing conflicting memories of a past event can be essential to preventing and undoing damage in interpersonal conflicts. At times, it’s possible to have a civil conversation about those conflicting memories. In other cases, it’s best to agree to disagree and move on. Managing the potential damage to the valued relationship is the key. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

Cookie cutters are great for making cookies: quick, easy, and uniform. Not so great for interpersonal conflicts. Cookie dough responds well to cookie cutters when all the conditions are consistent – that’s the idea! Humans aren’t consistent; we’re human. So, human interactions don’t respond well to a cookie cutter approach to conflict resolution. A solution crafted to address a particular conflict and, perhaps even better, a careful look at conflict management will serve humans more effectively.

Louise Duncan, Managing Director of TetraMap International, in Auckland, NZ, described the framework’s key concept that “Strength lies in valuing differences”. Facilitators use a process that allows individuals to discover their own elemental preferences in the world of nature: earth, air, water, and fire. Louise recommended: “The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth” by Amy C. Edmonson. Learn more and contact Louise through https://www.tetramap.com/ or https://www.linkedin.com/in/louiseduncan/. Louise hosts the podcast In Your Element, available for free wherever you listen to podcasts and on the TetraMap website.

The tragic fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris demonstrated the value of having a plan and testing it as a way to reduce conflict and mitigate damage. The Fire Department devoted more than one hundred firefighters to rescuing artifacts in the cathedral. The plan identified key people and priorities. And it had been practice, on site, twice last year. These steps were essential in minimizing the impact of the fire.

The tragic fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris highlighted some positive lessons to reduce conflict and mitigate damage. Control what you can. Adopt the good, though not perfect, solution. Start the process of improving a proposed plan, with a goal and a timeframe.

From life in an intentional community with his young family to his current passion as a patient-caregiver activist, Danny van Leeuwen, aka Health Hats, has had an appreciation for governance. Good governance can greatly reduce the likelihood of damaging conflict, and allow solutions to conflict to be crafted when needed. Danny has understood the importance of rules for a community to follow and the need to have a fair process to create -- and, when appropriate, to change -- those rules from the time he was living in an intentional community with his young family. Danny and his wife acted as champions of the process, keeping the group focused on continuing and completing the enactment of by-laws. His adult sons now live some of the lessons they learned as children, holding regular family meetings with their own families. In his life and work in the health care arena today, Danny has an appreciation for the power of governance, or decision-making, especially with regard to who has a seat at the decision-making table. You can reach Danny through his website: https://www.health-hats.com/. It has a wealth of resources.

Finding a way to broach the subject of an ongoing simmering conflict can be difficult; creating a catalyst can help. If there is a time-limited opportunity to address the conflict, or a deadline imposed from the outside, it might be fairly easy. Otherwise, how do we get past an implicit or explicit “why now”? It may work to use a specific date like Reconciliation Day (see the April 2 bonus episode), to mention an article, video or podcast on conflict, or to refer to others who have faced the same situation.

Denial can be an easy approach to conflict, but not a very good one. Pretending that there is no conflict or that an admitted conflict has no negative impact is rarely effective. Recognizing that a conflict exists and that it is doing real damage is important. You can then determine what the conflict is costing you – the first step in deciding if you want to address the conflict and attempt to resolve it.

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, offers more insights on effective interpersonal communication. Today’s episode is part two of my conversation with Bruce. Don’t miss part one, which is the regularly scheduled episode just before this one. (There’s a bonus episode in between because that covers a time-sensitive topic.) Bruce and I had been talking about how we tend to speak in groups, when we have the floor (or the talking stick). We pick up the conversation there and move on to the importance of recognizing that different perspectives are inevitable and will affect how we view – at least initially – our conversations with others. Bruce also noted the value of setting “rules of engagement”: expectations of how communication and conflict will be addressed. The setting of expectations, especially in family businesses where different spheres of life intersect, can reduce the likelihood that conflict becomes destructive instead of creative.

Advice columnist Ann Landers declared April 2 as Reconciliation Day for family and friends. Thirty years ago, a reader wrote in to the syndicated columnist and suggested that a day be set aside for family and friends to extend – and to accept – the olive branch of reconciliation on a day named Reconciliation Day. Three years later, Ann Landers declared it an annual tradition. In some countries, Reconciliation Day is a national holiday relating to the nation’s history. In this case, it’s a more interpersonal context of conflict. These reconciliations can and do happen! And sometimes it helps to have some nudge outside the conflict to get things started. Reconciliation Day, April 2, can be just that nudge.

Bruce Hammer, based on years of experience as a psychologist, therapist, leadership and organizational consultant, explores communication mindset and a number of factors that can help us communicate more effectively. This episode is part one of my conversation with Bruce. There was so much good – as in practical and positive – information that I decided to deliver it in easy-to-digest bites. In part one, Bruce talks about some specific ideas about communication, including the importance of ensuring that the message you intend to send is the one received, as well as ideas about how to do that, including considering, thoughtfully, the particular person we want to understand our message. We also talked about the concept of the talking stick, literally, figuratively, and in video communications, and how useful it can be to the speaker, the listeners, and the group as a whole. All of these ideas are useful in preventing damaging conflict. You can reach Bruce at http://www.hammerassociatesllc.com / or 516.776.0236.

The Good Friday agreement, signed on Good Friday in 1998, brought an end to The Troubles – violence that had plagued Ireland for thirty years. A very powerful and positive illustration of conflict resolution! Former US Senator George Mitchell played an essential role in bringing the parties together to reach agreement. His comments about conflict are inspirational: "I believe there's no such thing as a conflict that can’t be ended. They’re created and sustained by human beings. They can be ended by human beings. No matter how ancient the conflict, no matter how hateful, no matter how hurtful, peace can prevail.”

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Benjamin Franklin is credited with coining this phrase, in the context of comparing fire prevention costs to the costs of dealing with the consequences of fire. Destructive conflict can be seen the same way: prevention can be less costly – in a number of ways – than dealing with the consequences. Some practical approaches to prevention can be worth the effort.

Tara is an experienced litigator, based in White Plains, NY. When we spoke, Tara had recently completed mediation training with Brad Heckman and Christine Daly at the New York Peace Institute. https://nypeace.org/ The Institute is a respected provider of mediation training and conflict resolution services, based in NYC. Although Tara has frequently represented clients in mediations where she serves as their advocate, this training provided a new perspective for her -- and a new view on conflict. Tara compares this type of mediation to the type she has known as a defense attorney, and the difference between serving as an advocate and serving as a neutral third-party. We also discussed her interest in special education and advocating for persons with disabilities. You can reach Tara through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tarafappiano/

A pachyderm, specifically a mystery animal that turns out to be an elephant, presents an opportunity to consider different perspectives. An old parable from India describes the efforts of multiple people to make heads or tails (pun intended) out of a mystery animal. It’s an elephant, though the different, individual, perspectives don’t help nearly as much as the information gained when all of those perspectives are taken into account. The same can be said of conflict.

Pachyderms, specifically elephants in the room, present an opportunity to think about moving past denial and avoidance of conflict. Many of us know about the idea of the elephant in the room: the large issue that no one wants to talk about, or even acknowledge. I’ve seen this elephant more than a few times in my work as a mediator and I have some ideas to share about how to start to understand it and, even better, how to start to deal with it.

Jeff Savlov provides insights and inspiration from his work with two brothers selling a business. Jeff’s experience in family business and wealth consulting allowed him to both skillfully assist these siblings and to recognize that they exhibited a powerful collection of positive traits that helped the process. Disclaimer: though wonderful, it is highly unusual to see, in one situation, all the traits Jeff identifies here. Typically, one or two of these traits might be present, but not all! Families and their advisors shouldn’t be discouraged when they face conflict and challenges that are not so easily solved. Instead, listen for the love, trust, self-awareness, accountability, remorse, and commitment to action to achieve financial fairness. Listen, too, for ideas about how to nurture these traits in a family. You can reach Jeff at [email protected] / www.blumandsavlov.com. Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGY® Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

We often assume that conflict is always bad – and what we see around us backs that up. Let’s look at some other perspectives. Conflict can be constructive; at its best it leads to innovation and progress. Because it has so much good potential, it’s worth the effort to do conflict right: with respectful communication and interactions.

Dispute, conflict, or both. Understanding the difference can help you to better address a challenging situation. A dispute and a conflict can mean different things. Court cases are usually thought of as disputes, and there are many ways they are resolved other than through a trial and judgment. You can learn more about (alternative) dispute resolution options here: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/dispute_resolution/resources/DisputeResolutionProcesses/ A challenge in an ongoing, valued relationship is more aptly called a conflict. Sometimes a dispute will bring to the surface a barely simmering or nearly boiling conflict – that now needs to be addressed.

Marc Halpert, passionate mulitpreneur, shares some thoughts on effectively preventing and managing conflicts for his clients. Marc has a passion for customer service. Preventing conflicts through careful planning, resolving them through immediate action, and learning from what does and doesn't work all help. Additionally, Marc recognizes that clients approach challenge in different ways and modifies his approach to help them as effectively as possible to improve and succeed.

I have been fascinated by conflict for more than 30 years. That fascination might be enough for a podcast. But there’s more. I feel some frustration about suggestions that conflict always spirals down to hopeless despair in no time. And I have a wealth of experience, education, teaching, speaking, writing, and consulting around conflict. To top it off, I’m still learning and plan to always keep learning. The upshot: this podcast is something you want to hear!

What’s in a name – specifically, the name of this podcast? Why “Crafting”? Why “Solutions” And what about that “Conflict” concept? Each one of these words will help to explain what this podcast is all about.

A new podcast about practical and positive perspectives on conflict, hosted by Jane Beddall. Join Jane for a fresh look at conflict, one without the doom and gloom.