What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

According to researcher Patrick Ishizuka, "intensive parenting has become the dominant cultural model." Sounds about right. We spend triple the time actively engaging with our kids that our own parents did with us. And even then, we all feel guilty that we're not doing more. (Or that we kind of hate playing with LOL Surprise! Dolls, and we aren't hiding it very well.) But is more always better? Are our modern hyper-organized days creating children who have no idea how to occupy themselves, who need either a screen or one-on-one adult attention at all times? Do we *have* to play with our kids? Is there a way for parenting to feel a little less relentless? Here are links to research and other writing we discuss in this episode: Claire Cain Miller for the New York Times: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting Rebecca Onion for Slate: Playtime is Over Suzanne M. Bianchi et al: Changing Rhythms of American Family Life Janet Lansbury: RIE Parenting Basics (9 Ways to Put Respect into Action) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Happy Mother’s Day Week! In this episode we salute YOU, Mom. Our listeners told us their biggest mom wins and we are passing out some awards- like to Francesca, who has convinced her rambunctious two-year-old that the signs in most public spaces say that all little boys have to stand right next to their mommies. We also address the various ways that our small children’s Mother’s Day art projects have completely ratted us out. If you’ve ever stood in the hallway outside a kindergarten classroom and seen, projected in three-inch crayoned letters, the proclamation that your own favorite food is “BEER,” we are here for you. Check out whatfreshhellpodcast.com for Amy’s “mom prom” picture and Billy Collins’ poem The Lanyard, which perfectly encapsulates the insufficiency of any Mother’s Day gift to properly thank us for what we do. You know what? That’s the point. No thanks *can* be good enough. So enjoy those lukewarm eggs benedict and hastily-purchased greeting cards! You’re worth it- and so very much more. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We all know it: our kids are on screens too much. And us parents? Well, if you haven't used Apple's Screen Time function yet, prepare to be horrified. So have you ever considered a cold-turkey no-screens experiment in your home? Screen Free Week is coming up, and it gives us the perfect opportunity to present the idea to our families. But no, you might be saying. We couldn't possibly. My kids would fight! We need that down time! There's all that candy to crush! And to that we say, fear not, because we did it first. And we are here to tell you that you won't just find hours of time- you will, as Margaret put it, see entire bandwidths of your children's brains come alive that you hadn't even realized were asleep. In this episode we discuss how to sell screen-free week to the kids, how to prepare, how to survive, and why we think it's worth it! Here are links to resources and research discussed in this episode: screenfree.org unpluggedfamily.org screenlifebalance.com Kevin Roose for NYT: Do Not Disturb: How I Ditched My Phone and Unbroke My Brain Taylor Lorenz for The Atlantic: The Hottest Chat App for Teens Is … Google Docs Daily Mail: Smartphones, tablets causing mental health issues in kids as young as two Dr. Jean Twenge for The Atlantic: Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? Dr. Jean Twenge for The Conversation: Teens have less face time with their friends – and are lonelier than ever Dr. Craig Canapari: Prevent Sleep Problems in Kids: Keep Technology Out of The Bedroom Erika Christakis for The Atlantic: The Dangers of Distracted Parenting Catherine Price: How to Break Up With Your Phone Cal Newport: Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World Leigh Stringer: On the Importance of Boredom Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It’s easy for most parents to explain what’s wrong with how our kids speak to us: the snark, sarcasm, and eye-rolling are all things we could use a lot less of. But could the way we talk to our kids use a little fine-tuning as well? Dr. Wendy Mogel’s latest book, Voice Lessons for Parents: What to Say, How to Say It, and When To Listen, is just out in paperback. In this episode, Dr. Wendy Mogel tells us how to bridge the ever-more-complicated communication gap between parents and children, no matter what age our kids are. Over the last two years we've quoted Dr. Mogel more than any other parenting expert, and no surprise- this interview is full of "aha moments" and great ideas. You can read and download the full transcript here. And if you still need a little convincing that we should be focusing on the faults with our own parental communication, rather than the shortcomings of our children’s techniques, consider this quote from another classic of parenting advice, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk: "Rather than blaming your kids for all your parenting grief, you can improve communication with them by making a few changes to the way you speak to them and set the tone of a situation. Listening, sharing feelings, and respecting your kids will make your job as a parent far easier.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

100 episodes in, and we still have a few stories left to tell! In this episode we try to stump each other by playing "True or False." True or False: Amy's child once embarrassed her horribly in front of Gwyneth Paltrow. True or False: Margaret *almost* had her first child in a hallway. Listen and learn! Thanks so much to all of our listeners who have helped us grow this show for one hundred episodes. We're honored that you're out there. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Is there a middle ground in youth sports? Is there a place to exist between the nine-year-old icing his shoulder after a session with his pitching coach and the kid who bats last and hates every minute and never plays a team sport again? There used to be (back in our day). There can be. But in a world where families spend 10% or more of their yearly household income on travel teams, equipment, coaches, and gear, that friendly, non-intense approach has become a lot harder to find. In this episode we discuss how to keep the “play” in playing sports how to push back against coaches and leagues that tell third-graders they have to specialize surviving early-spring double-headers at the baseball field when to let kids quit (70% of kids quit a team sport by age 13 because it’s too intense) why girls are more likely to quit than boysand when to follow your kid’s passion, even if it means turning all of your weekends over to lacrosseand the only thing you should ever ever say to your child after a game. Here's links to research and studies discussed in this episode: Kingswood Camp: Our Philosophy On Sports Michael S. Rosenwald for Washington Post: Are parents ruining youth sports? Fewer kids play amid pressure.Bruce Kelly and Carl Carchia for ESPN Magazine: The Hidden Demographics of Youth SportsEmily Barone for Time: The Astronomical Cost of Kids’ SportsAspen Institute: 10 Charts that Show Progress, Challenges to Fix Youth SportsAspen Institute: STATE OF PLAY 2018: TRENDS AND DEVELOPMENTSCaitlin Morris for Aspen Institute: Changing the Game for Girls Our main takeaway? Sports are one area where we parents need to take our eyes *off* the prize. Bring back the backyard wiffle ball game. Find places where kids of all levels can participate. And keep looking until your kid finds the sport she enjoys. It won’t always be easy, but it will probably be worth the effort. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Some of the ways we imagined motherhood turned out to be pretty accurate (like how much we’d enjoy Santa Claus back in our lives). But some of it was wayy off base, like how long it takes to lose a muffin top. (It's like the Tootsie Roll Pop question: the world may never know.) In this episode we discuss what lived up to, exceeded, and confounded our mom expectations with special guest Betsy Stover, mom of three boys and co-host of the hilarious podcast Why Mommy Drinks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether it’s the science fair, the pinewood derby, or a pre-K shoebox diorama, sooner or later every kid gets assigned a school project that is, without question, a PARENTS' project. What four-year-old can fashion her own “Dress As Your Patron Saint” costume? What sixth-grader can attempt proper MLA citation format without extreme maternal participation? It’s not so much the projects we mind- it’s the feeling that however we handle it, we’re doing it wrong. If we make the origami cranes for the kid, we’re snowplow parents. If we send them in with a social studies project they made entirely themselves out of paper plates and crayons, we also own their cheek-burning shame when their projects pale in comparison to the professionally-produced ones of their peers. In this episode we discuss how to discern the right amount of help such projects require: not too much, and not too little. Sure, we can help our kids win the battle of the pinewood derby… but we really want to win the war of having our kids who can someday accomplish things all by themselves. Here’s links to research and other writing we discuss in this episode: Susan Messina for Huffington Post: That Fake Science Fair Poster That Went Viral? I Made It. Here's Why Dana Goldstein for The Atlantic: Don't Help Your Kids With Their Homework The Broken Compass: Parental Involvement With Children’s Education Dr. Keith Robinson and Dr. Angel Harris for the New York Times: Parental Involvement Is Overrated Wendy Wisner for Scary Mommy: It’s Obvious When Parents Complete Their Kid’s School Projects, So Please Stop easybib.com (Amy recommends for an easier way to create bibliographies) sciencebuddies.org (Amy recommends as a resource to choose science fair projects) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In this episode we discuss all the reasons we’ve felt like failures as mothers, why we’re never as hard on others as we are on ourselves, and what we have done to mitigate these feelings of failure in our own lives. “I feel like I’m failing at parenting fairly often,” our listener Becky wrote when she suggested this topic. If it makes you feel any better, Becky, you’ve got plenty of company. These self-inflicted guilt trips are nearly universal among mothers. But why? Is it the 24/7 nature of the job? Is it the admittedly high stakes that come from nurturing small humans towards successful adulthoods? Is it our parenting culture, which tells us no matter how much we do, how hard we try, there’s another mother doing it just a little bit better? We think it’s all of the above. We also think talking to other mothers is the best solution. Thanks for being part of our mothering community. Here’s links to research and other writing on this topic discussed in this episode: Regan Long for Motherly: To the Mom Who Feels Like She's Failing: You're Not. Promise. Heather Marcoux for Motherly: 66% of working parents feel like they're failing—but the system is actually failing them Doug Parker for Babble: I Feel Like I'm Failing This Parenting Thing Every Damn Day Denise Rowden for Empowering Parents: “I Feel Like a Failure as a Parent.” How to Turn That Hopeless Feeling Around Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked our listeners to tell us the best relationship advice they've ever gotten- for romantic and platonic relationships both. In this episode, we discuss the advice that has worked best for us in the past- and what we're going to try going forward. Stuck on what "prioritizing your spouse" really means? Tired of never going to bed angry? Looking for some time-tested fight-avoiding techniques from our listeners' great-grandmothers? You'll find much to think about in this episode! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Anxiety is a natural response to stress. Sometimes it’s even useful, like when it alerts us to danger. But when anxiety grips our children, they often don’t (can’t) explain how they’re feeling, and their inner turmoil can take over. As psychotherapist Lynn Lyons explains: Anxiety is a normal part of growing, changing and learning. But worry and anxiety can also become powerful and restrictive, disrupting families in ways that lead to avoidance, missed school, outbursts, conflict, and often depression if left untreated. In this episode we discuss coping strategies for all ages and stages how anxiety in children can be easy to miss the negative behaviors anxious kids might exhibit why letting our kids avoid anxiety-causing situations is counterproductive how anxiety "lives in the future” We also interview Dr. Lisa Damour about her book Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls. Dr. Damour’s book is full of empathetic insight and useful takeaways for helping our anxious daughters (and sons). We discuss how to help anxious kids "settle their glitter" and how to use our own moments of stress and anxiety as opportunities for modeling. Here’s links to other research and writing discussed in this episode: Lindsay Holmes for Huffington Post Life: 10 Things People Get Wrong About Anxiety Liz Matheis for anxiety.org: Identifying Signs of Anxiety in Children CDC: Data and Statistics on Children's Mental Health Metropolitan CBT: About Anxiety Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most people believe middle children are prone to feeling insecure and left out because they get less attention. Their primary emotional state? Jealousy of siblings. Studies show that we think these problems are real and inescapable. A City College of New York study found participants were most likely to use words like “overlooked” to describe middle children— while completely unlikely to use the word “spoiled.” Psychologist Dr. Alfred Adler first proposed a “middle child syndrome” in the 1920s, and ever since, most of us have assumed the Jan-Brady worst. But Dr. Adler also believed that middle children’s place in the birth order made them “uniquely poised to succeed.” Are we getting it wrong? Are there lifelong benefits for kids who grow up neither the pressured oldest nor the coddled youngest? In this episode we discuss: “middleborns” vs “classic middles,” and how both are disappearing from the American demographicthe negativity of the “middle child syndrome,” and whether or not it bears outwhy middle children are more independent and open-mindedwhy middle children have a greater appetite for riskhow the “ambient neglect” a middle child sometimes receives can be an incredible giftWriter Adam Sternbergh, himself a middle, says that "being a middle child is not something you aspire to; it’s something that happens to you.” While that may be true, it also turns out that we should perhaps all be jealous of them. Being a middle kid can be secretly great. Here's links to research and other writing on the topic discussed in this episode: Adam Sternbergh for The Cut: The Extinction of the Middle Child Dr. Catherine Salmon:The Secret Power of Middle Children: How Middleborns Can Harness Their Unexpected and Remarkable Abilities Lindsay Dodgson for Business Insider: 'Middle child syndrome' doesn't actually exist — but it still might come with some surprising psychological advantages Risk-taking middle-borns: A study on birth- order and risk preferences Abi Berwager Schreier for Romper: Do Middle Children Really Have More Issues? Jan Brady Wasn't The Only One Alphaparent: Optimum Family Size Facts Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Sometimes you gotta consult the experts. We asked our listeners to tell us their best life advice, and as usual, you all delivered! This episode is full of great advice on -making choices -doing what matters -ignoring the haters -and liking ourselves a little better. Join the conversation in our new Facebook group! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When it comes to disciplining our kids, having "the punishment fit the crime” seems like a reasonable goal. But what if the “crime” in question is hitting a sibling? And what makes a punishment good in the first place? Is our primary goal dissuasion or providing insight? How can our approach to discipline help our children make a better choice next time- even if they’re not worried about being caught? In this episode we talk about what does and doesn’t work for punishing kids of all ages, and discusswhy once you’ve threatened a punishment, you have to follow throughwhy shaming is unproductive (and ineffective)why punishments for younger children need to be “logical and immediate"why punishments for older children need to go beyond taking their phoneswhy, once a kid has served the time for her crime, a parent needs to let it goIn the end, we think punishments work best when we keep our eyes on our longer-term parenting goals: teaching our kids accountability and helping them learn to self-regulate, while also ensuring domestic tranquility (and providing for the common defense). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked our listeners to tell us their best tips (and hardest struggles) around returning to the workplace— whether it’s been six weeks, six months, or a few years. Our listener Greta suggested this topic. After three-and-a-half years at home with her child, she "moved across the country, started kid in preschool, and started back at work at the same time.” Dr. Lisa D’Amour says that change equals stress, and if that’s the case… that's a whole lot of change. In this episode we discuss: dealing with the guilt (right or wrong, many mothers feel it)the surprising usefulness of the commutewhy your first day back at work should be a Wednesday the layers of challenge that breastfeeding can add. To those of you about to pump, we salute you. Here’s a link to breastfeeding-at-work rights by statehow to approach your boss about a job share If you’re a mom contemplating a onramping attempt after a quite lengthy stay-at-home gap, we talked about that a little in this episode- and then decided that deserves its own conversation! That episode is coming soon. In the meantime, here are two back-to-work resources suggested by listener Gretchen: - iRelaunch - Career Relaunch When all else fails, listen to our listener Rachael: "I went back after 12 weeks. It was tough, but I can say now that it’s been another 12 weeks, it gets easier. You get a routine. And the baby honestly does great at daycare." What helped with your own back-to-work transition? Tell us in the comments? Photo by Nastuh Abootalebi on Unsplash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Parenthood is hard. Different stages have different challenges. But there’s one particular phase that is of legendary, Kilimanjaro-climbing difficulty: surviving the first few months as the parent of two children, a toddler and a newborn. This episode was suggested by Raya, who says: "At one point I had a newborn and newly-turned-two-year-old. With my husband working seven days a week, I found myself alone the majority of the time with both kids. My kids are now one and three and it is getting easier, but those first eight months where probably the hardest thing I have experienced.” We agree on both counts: it gets easier. It may also be one of the hardest things we ever experienced. But here’s how to get through it! We asked our listeners to tell us their best advice for the toddler/newborn stage, and in this episode we discussthe best gear to have on handthe sanity saversthe things to do ahead of time in the moments you have one or both hands freehow to let people helpthe singular importance of consistent napping (for you too Mom)why Moana is apparently the movie to have on repeatIf you survived this stage and lived to tell the tale, take a bow (seriously, you deserve it). If you’re in it now: we see you, and you got this. If you’re about to enter this stage: okay, yes, it’s really hard. But you’ll get through it as long as you- in our listener Rachel’s words- “give yourself so much grace.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Entertaining at home is kind of like exercise: you’re so happy that you did it, but that doesn’t stop you from dreading it the next time around. Who should you invite? What should you serve? Will you ever find a playlist that won't unexpectedly veer into gangster rap or Kidzbop? In this episode we discuss ways to take the stress out of having people over:lowering your standards (okay, easier said than done, but give it a shot)sticking with what works- nail down a few go-to dishes, and then make them every timehaving buffets instead of sit-down dinnershosting potlucks (although Amy claims these can actually be *more* work for the host)figuring out what music you’re going to play before the doorbell ringsAnd here’s some useful links for more ideas- and more reassurance: The Simple Dollar: How to Organize a Cost-Effective and Fun Dinner Party Laura Gaskill for Forbes: 8 Stress-Busting Tips For Hosting Small Gatherings Nancy Mitchell for Apartment Therapy: Why Doesn’t Anyone Have Parties Anymore? Teddy Wayne for NYT: The Death of the Party GfK: Half of Americans entertain guests in their homes at least once a month Isadora Allman for Psychology Today: On Entertaining and Being Entertained Tony Naylor for The Guardian: The new rules of dinner parties: don't be on time – and bring more booze than you need Having people over is always worth the effort. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the potluck! Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Yikes. Do we really have to have “The Talk”? Yes, we do… and sooner than we’d probably like to think. Studies show that giving our kids appropriate information *before* they need it not only makes them more likely to make good decisions once they become sexually active— it also may delay the age at which such activities will begin. In this episode we discuss: the ages and stages of The Talk (a four-year-old gets a different answer than a preteen)why you don’t want your kids’ peers to be the arbiters of this informationwhy there’s not one “talk,” but many (or should be)how to be an “askable parent” why mothers are usually the parents tasked with these conversationshow internet parental blockers can also prevent our kids from seeing useful sex-ed contenthow to punt when you’re caught off guard (which is fine as long as you circle back later)And here’s links to research and studies we discuss in this episode: John Sharry, Solution Talk: Facts of Life: At What Age Should We Tell Our Children About Sex? Center For Young Women’s Health at Boston Children’s Hospital: Talking to Your Tween about Sexuality: A Guide for Parents Lola’s personal, honest, real-life guide to your first period Advocates for Youth: Are Parents and Teens Talking About Sex? advocatesforyouth.org Dr. Colleen Diiorio et al: Journal of Adolescent Health: Communication about sexual issues: mothers, fathers, and friends Rebecca Ruiz for Mashable: Internet gatekeepers block sex ed content because algorithms think they’re porn It’s up to us to keep the conversation going on these topics. And if you’d rather stick your head in the sand, keep in mind it doesn’t have to be only about the improbable mechanics of it all. Here’s great advice from the Center for Young Women’s Health: Remember that sexuality is a much larger topic than sexual intercourse. It also includes topics such as gender, intimacy, sexual orientation… Talking to your tween about sexuality is an opportunity to share your beliefs about healthy behaviors and relationships with them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

New year, new datebook— and some very familiar goals. But this is the year we make things HAPPEN. We’re going to start by taking Jon Acuff’s advice to make our goals smaller- we mean absurdly achievable- and build from there. Acuff studied goal-setting and found that People with smaller goals are 63% more successful. Go big might be a good slogan for a gym wall, but if you really want to win, go small. In this episode we discuss our goals for the coming year, including: * Margaret’s “most massive purge” of her home * Amy’s word for 2019: OPEN * facing our fears * engaging less with our kids when they’re being arbitrarily cranky and challenging * becoming more curious about our spouses’ perspectives * entertaining more * reading more fiction What are your goals for the coming year? Tell us! Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode contains excerpts from our latest What Fresh Hell Live! show, performed at the Chappaqua Performing Arts Center in Chappaqua, NY on December 1, 2018. Interested in having What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood come to your town? We book live shows into performing arts centers around the country. We also do smaller custom events for Parents’ Associations and other groups. Drop us a line at [email protected] to hear more about how you can get our show to your town. Even just telling us there’s interest can get the ball rolling. You can always check out our website (whatfreshhellpodcast.com) to see where we will be appearing next. We’ll be making some 2019 announcements soon! Photo: Chad David Kraus Photography Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

’Tis the season for traditions— most of them shopped for, planned, and generally upheld by moms. And for some of us, sending 300 holiday cards or creating a new tableau for a six-inch elf every night before bed really gets us in the holiday spirit. But most of us, at this time of year, have more to do than hours to do it. Many of us think we’re done shopping and only then remember Aunt Doris who is impossible to buy for (and has expressed specific disappointment in gift cards). Many of us have kids at whom we may have raised our voices after the fifth or sixth question about when we were going to make all the Christmas cookies this year. So we asked our listeners: What are the holiday traditions that you love and work great for your family? What are the things you’d rather never do again but feel like you can’t stop now? In this episode, we discuss your responses, plus: how to get out from under the traditions you wished you never started what to consider before letting a new tradition take root (keeping in mind that anything that happens at this time of year will immediately be deemed “something we do every year”) why the Elf on the Shelf might be a slippery slope to the full-on surveillance state why the joy of anticipation is at least as good as the moment anticipated how the Danish concept of hygge factors in to all of this easy holiday traditions like “Christmas Adam,” which as far as we can tell mostly involves holiday pajamas and Rankin-Bass specials Lean into the hygge this holiday season. Push back against the incremental spend, the just running out for one more thing. Lean into the anticipation, because that’s the sweet spot. Oh, and Christmas lights. Lots of them. (They do wonders for Seasonal Affective Disorder.) Special thanks to our guest comedy bit reader for this week: Sean Conroy of The Long Shot Podcast! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

As the days get shorter, and colder, and darker, our listener Tamar suggested we do an episode on “how not to go insane when you can’t go outside.” (If anyone has any ideas for her, please reach out.) Seriously, our energy levels are especially depleted during the winter. It’s science: our bodies get less vitamin D, produce more melatonin (which encourages sleep) and less serotonin (which fights depression). No wonder we all want to put on the fuzzy pants, get under the covers, and call it a day. But we’re parents. Which means that while our own batteries are totally run down, we also have to deal with cranky kids who’ve watched way too many YouTube videos today and we should have gotten them outside but it’s 4:35 pm and it’s as dark as deep space out there and never has bedtime seemed so far away. In this episode we discuss: the symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder— and how to tell if our kids have it too the “exercise effect,” and why we resist exercise just when we need it the most why fresh air is actually a thing how to keep our kids busy on long days indoors with “theme days” and other new approaches to familiar things how to tell if you’re *in* or *out* of Daylight Savings Time (just stop and think: has daylight been saved? If it’s dark at 4:30, then no, it hasn’t… and therefore you are not in Daylight Savings Time.) And here’s links to some research and other things discussed in this episode: healthychildren.org: Winter Blues – Seasonal Affective Disorder and Depression Laura T. Coffey for Today: Batty from being cooped up with kids? Here are 9 great cures for cabin fever Valerie Williams for Mommyish: 10 Things Only Parents With The Winter Blues Will Understand Sasa Woodruff for NPR: A New Prescription For Depression: Join A Team And Get Sweaty Kirsten Weir for the American Psychological Association: The Exercise Effect Pennsylvania Department of Health: Cold Weather Outdoor Play Boosts Immune System Association between physical exercise and mental health in 1·2 million individuals in the USA between 2011 and 2015: a cross-sectional study Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Sometimes we lose it. Really lose it. We’re not talking “How many times do I have to tell you to put your shoes on” in a slightly elevated tone. We’re talking… well, Dr. Stuart Shanker calls the emotional state in question “red brain,” and you get the picture. When we’re in red brain, yelling can actually feel pretty good. It’s also singularly ineffective. Here’s how Dr. Alan Kazdin of the Yale Parenting Center explains it: If the goal of the parent is catharsis— I want to get this out of my system and show you how mad I am— well, yelling is probably perfect. If the goal is to change something in the child, or develop a positive habit in the child, yelling is not the way to do that. But clamping down on our anger isn’t effective, either— in fact, studies prove that attempting to do so actually increases our sympathetic nervous system responses and makes us feel more angry. So this is all pretty tricky. But in this episode we discuss: techniques for recognizing red brain before we’re in it why we sometimes treat strangers better than our loved ones Margaret’s “self-doghouse” technique how to properly make it up to our kids after we blow up And after discussing what NOT to say, Amy discusses what TO say to our kids with with Heather Turgeon and Julie Wright, the authors of Now Say This: The Right Words To Solve Every Parenting Dilemma. Heather and Julie explain their extremely effective “ALP” technique for communicating with our kids— Attune, Limit-Set, Problem-Solve. They also explain the importance of “the repair set” and modeling emotional health for our kids, particularly after we have not been our best selves. Here’s links to some of the other research and studies discussed in this episode: Margaret’s surprisingly useful “family doghouse” plaque Stephen Marche for NYT: Why You Should Stop Yelling At Your Kids Kelly for Happy You, Happy Family: Why Every Parent Should Know the Magic 5:1 Ratio – And How to Do It Dr. Karen Leith et al for Journal of Personality and Social Psychology: Why Do Bad Moods Increase Self-Defeating Behavior? Dr. Ralph Erber et al: On being cool and collected: Mood regulation in anticipation of social interaction. Sue Shellenbarger for the Wall Street Journal: Talking to Your Kids After You Yell and our episode on yelling, which is kinda the same but kinda different. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How should we handle group situations where we have different parenting styles? When our particular rules around bedtimes, screens, curfews, or sugar are up against more lax rules (or none at all)? This topic was suggested by our listener Jessica: How do you deal with group situations where you parent differently without it causing friendship or family strain? Especially once your kids are old enough to ask why there are different expectations? Being in close proximity with people who parent differently can make us question how we do it. When other parents have other, looser rules, those of us who are more strict can feel judged. When other parents have firmer rules and tighter structures, those of us who don’t also feel judged. Meanwhile, our kids are standing there watching us, wondering if we’ll cave and let them stay up until 12:30 just this once or not. In this episode we discuss: matters of preference versus matters of philosophy- and how to tell the difference the importance of offline discussions the role that “spaces and places” play (things might be a little looser at Nana’s house) when to default to the rules of the household you are in what happens when you have different rules from your co-parent why saying “because I said so” is a missed parenting opportunity Here’s links to articles discussed in this episode: Lisa Belkin for The New York Times: Different Families, Different Rules Wendy Bradford for On Parenting: When One Child’s Rules Are Different Than The Other’s Pete Wells for the New York Times: Happy-Meal Me Here’s our takeaway: It’s okay to reconsider your own rules in these situations… just not in real time, and no matter what you do, not in front of your kid. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The word “oversharenting” has been coined to describe those among us who chronicle our baby’s every bowel movement, ascribe hashtags to our preschoolers, and relitigate our tween’s hurt feelings, all of it for universal consumption on social media. For sure, we all know oversharenting when we see it— but most of us are equally certain that it’s really something other parents do. And we’re also fans of all the great, useful, meaningful ways social media keeps us connected. But are we considering the long-term ramifications for our kids’ privacy every time we press SHARE? In this episode we discuss: the “disclosure management work” of making sure loved ones are kept up-to-date on social media- and why it’s usually Mom’s job why we’re not as good at guarding others’ privacy when we post as we are at guarding our own why we’re motivated to share (and overshare) the “clean slate” of our own childhoods versus the extremely well-documented stories we’ve been writing for our kids the best practices we have in place for our own social media use whether the privacy concerns are real, or just another place to overthink Here’s links to research and other writing on the topic we discuss in this episode: LINKS Sarah Zhang for The Atlantic: Facebook Groups as Therapy Frank Landman for readwrite: Are You Oversharing on Social Media? Lisa Heffernan of Grown and Flown: Oversharing: Why Do We Do It And How Do We Stop? Tawfiq Ammari et al, University of Michigan: Managing Children’s Online Identities: How Parents Decide what to Disclose about their Children Online Liza Lazard et al for The Conversation: Sharenting: why mothers post about their children on social media Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We love hearing from our listeners! Your voice mails and emails keep us going… plus you tell us what you want to hear us talk about next. It’s a beautiful thing. In this episode we answer these three listener questions: how do you prepare your toddler for the birth of a new sibling? how do you deal with a particularly fussy baby? how do you deal with siblings who fight seriously all the time? In response, you just might hear us discuss why our anxiety about helping our toddler with a new sibling is probably really about our own anxiety why fussy babies are like the frog from the old Warner Brothers cartoon why siblings close in age are like a dog and a rooster why “face-raking” is a thing even though Margaret has never heard of it how arbitrating a sibling fight is like a lifeguard saving two people from drowning Do you have a topic you’d like to hear us discuss on the show? Go to whatfreshhellpodcast.com and click on the right sidebar where it says “what topics would you like to hear on the show?” Or email a “voice memo” from your phone to [email protected]. We’d love to hear from you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Why are some little boys so obsessed with trains or dinosaurs- or World War II, or even blenders? Psychologists call these preschool preoccupations “extremely intense interests,” and studies have proven they much more common among boys than girls. In this episode we talk about some of the more common “extremely intense interests” out there, like * Thomas the Tank Engine.Why do so many boys go wild for the Isle of Sodor? Is it the wheels? Is it the characters with clear and never-changing facial expressions? * Actually, all toys with wheels. Researchers found the same clear preference for wheeled toys among boy monkeys as they did with children. * Dinosaurs. Is it the long names? The endless opportunities to “systemize”? Or is it mostly the people-eating potential? * Superheroes: powers, villains, and perhaps a plausible opening to “super-punch” a sibling. * Nerf guns and play weapons. Dr. Michael Thompson says “boys’ fantasy lives are no place for lessons on subjectivity and humanizing the other.” Whether or not you agree with that statement, you will probably agree that boys, when deprived of play weapons, can just as merrily duel with sippy cups or pillows or whatever might be handy. “Extremely intense interests” tend to disappear once the kids who have them get to grade school, and have both new subject matter to master and peers with whom to assimilate. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When we were kids, there weren’t any IEPs. There weren’t any teacher conferences (unless someone was in BIG trouble). There wasn’t any school website. For better and for worse, the teacher/parent relationship was not something that our parents considered. It barely even existed. Today our kids’ homework loads, the ever-beckoning online portal, the costs of a good education— and okay, our perhaps sometimes-over-involvement in our children’s lives— all mean that we are meant to have a much more direct relationship with our children’s teachers, and they with us, than our parents could have ever imagined. We think this is a good thing. We also think it’s complicated. We also think it’s a great episode idea, suggested by one of our listeners who is a teacher. So on our Facebook page we asked teachers: “What do your favorite parents do (and not do) to support your work?” In this episode we discuss the advice those teachers gave us, including what teachers want us to understand as parents the beat-the-clock madness of back-to-school nights how to get the most out of a parent-teacher conference the things you need to make sure your child’s teacher understands (and they’re not all learning-related. Then again, maybe they are) how to email teachers without annoying them how to keep conversations productive even in difficult situations Thanks to all the teachers who contributed their advice to this episode. Here’s two of our favorite answers. We’ll be keeping these in mind: ELLEN: My favorite parents are the ones that follow through at home. They never blame the teacher. They choose to work with the teacher. You can openly and honestly address academic and behavior concerns with these parents because you know they have your back and you are in it together for the year. Finally, a simple note of thank you or support goes a LONG way. It doesn’t have to come with a gift. It simply needs to come from the heart. LAUREN: I have been a K-2 teacher the past 10 years and the biggest thing that parents can do is listen to teachers and understand that most teachers have your child’s best interest at heart, are passionate about what they do, and are on your team. Those are the parents that I have always appreciated the most. Green Chef, Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

When one of our kids is having a meltdown in Aisle Six of the supermarket, we will often remind ourselves: He’s not giving us a hard time. He’s having a hard time. And sometimes those words will seem zero percent helpful. But they’re true. As Dr. Ross Greene puts it, “Kids do well if they can.” Therefore, when they’re falling apart there’s a reason, as Dr. Vasco Lopes of the Child Mind Institute explains: “A majority of kids who have frequent meltdowns do it in very predictable situations.” Parenting expert Dr. Stuart Shanker suggests we reframe our responses by getting curious about where the outburst is coming from, finding patterns that might provide clues– and then teach our children the skills to regulate their emotions themselves. We loved this infographic by Kristin Weins, reminding us that tantrums are kind of like icebergs: there’s much more beneath the surface than what we can see. In this episode we discuss: how to help children of all ages regulate their emotions so tantrums occur less frequently why toddlers’ tantrums are a biological imperative (sorry) the things to do during a tantrum vs. the things to definitely do later * how to keep ourselves out of “red brain” even when our kids are there what not to say once they finally calm down why teenagers’ tantrums feel like they come out of nowhere And here’s links to some of the research and resources discussed in this episode: Dr. Stuart Shanker’s Self-Reg Knowledge Series Kathleen Megan for The Hartford Courant: The Biology Behind Teens’ Temper Tantrums understood.org: Why Does My Child Still Have Temper Tantrums? childmind.org: How Can We Help Kids With Self-Regulation? Dr. Harvey Karp’s “fast food rule” for talking to a toddler the “chicken cheese bread” recipe Margaret mentioned: If all else fails, and you need new inspiration to keep calm, try this advice from Dr. David Walsh: If you feel your blood pressure rising, take a deep breath and remember this advice: ‘When you feel like taking the wind out of his sails, it is a better idea to take your sails out of his wind.’ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The biggest drawback to vacationing with kids may be this: wherever you go, your kids will still actually be with you. But seriously… successful traveling as a family means keeping everyone happy. That doesn’t mean your choice of vacation destination needs to revolve around your kids, but it does mean your expectations for sightseeing or miles logged per day might need to be somewhat flexible. After all, you have even less of an escape from your kids complaining while on vacation than you do when you’re at home. And despite all the hassles, we both love traveling with our kids. Even when it’s not easy, it’s always worth the journey. So this episode is full of ideas for creating family vacations with appeal for all age groups, whether you’re going across the state or around the world. We discuss: the wonders of RV travel why the anticipation of a trip can be as much fun as the trip itself the indispensability of Ziploc bags how older kids will accept sightseeing when it is offered with a tiny side order of danger our listeners’ very best travel-with-kids tips Here’s some writing we love about traveling with kids: Meg Lukans Noonan for Travel and Leisure: The Age-Appropriate Vacation Mariam Navaid Ottimofiore for The Huffington Post: Seven Reasons Why Travel is Never Wasted on Young Kids Sarah Clemence for Travel and Leisure: 10 Essential Hacks for Traveling with Small Kids …and our own Episode 20, on what to pack when traveling with kids Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Are audio books cheating? Must every book our second-graders read feature Poopy Man and The Toilet King? Are reluctant readers doomed to fall behind their peers? Will Margaret or Amy ever read anything other than their Facebook feeds ever again? This episode is full of ideas to get everyone in your family reading– plus books your kids will drop everything to read. We love this “book traps” idea from our listener Nicole: Find books in the library that seem like they might be irresistible to your child and place them strategically around the house so that your child stumbles upon them and feel like reading them was their own idea. What about audiobooks? Is it counterproductive to let kids who struggle with decoding listen to their books instead? Jamie Martin, assistive technology consultant for understood.org, says no: Listening to audiobooks isn’t “cheating.” The main purpose of reading is to get information. It doesn’t matter what path that information takes to reach the brain. Here’s some resources for parents that we recommend in this episode: Common Sense Media’s lists of books for reluctant readers Amy Mascott for PBS Parents: What To Do When Your Child Hates Reading Susan Dominus, NYT, Motherhood Screened Off Linda Flanagan for KQED: How Audiobooks Can Help Kids Who Struggle With Reading Mary Ann Scheuer’s Great Kid Books, a blog which recommendis books for kids from 4-14. Here’s books and authors that Amy recommends in this episode: the Amulet series (graphic novels for grade-school readers) anything by Raina Telgemaier (graphic novels with heroines for grade-school readers You Wouldn’t Want to Be… series (real history with a dose of gross-out humor) the American Girl collection (the best you’re-growing-up books out there) What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions (a perfect coffee table book. Irresistible for all ages) and a few audiobook series recommended by Amy’s 10-year-old daughter: A Series of Unfortunate Events The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place The Mysterious Benedict Society and of course, Harry Potter, with hundreds of characters all voiced by Jim Dale. Here’s the books that have gotten our listeners’ kids reading. Thanks for everyone who joined in with ideas on our Facebook page! Lauren: Pete the Cat, Wayside Stories from Wayside School Maureen: Mo Willems Tracy: “Right now (8 years old) we are loving Super Rabbit Boy.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What makes a “go-to dinner”? One pot is good. 30 minutes or less is better. But we’ll use every cookie sheet and pot in the house if it’s 1) not pizza and 2) all of our kids will actually eat it. Here’s links to all of our own go-to recipes that we discuss in this episode, plus the ones our listeners swear by: Margaret’s Go-To Dinners Beef Empanadas (use refrigerated pie crust for the dough) Green Soup (Margaret adds chicken) Slow Cooker Pork Shoulder Savory Muffins and, believe it or not, Lobster Thermidor (Lego Batman’s favorite, natch) Amy’s Go-To Dinners Roasted Broccoli with Shrimp (ten minutes, one pan. If you don’t have the spices, skip em.) Sheet Pan Fajitas Taco Night (this is a super-easy recipe from Laura Fuentes) Our Listeners’ Child-Approved Meals Rebecca’s Loaded Potato Soup Mollie’s Chickpea Tikka Masala Diane’s Asian Noodles (kudos to this brilliant bit of improvisation): and Nancy’s Spanish Rice (thanks, Amy’s mom!) Here’s some of our favorite places to get go-to dinner inspiration : Amy’s sister loves the Weelicious website Margaret’s favorite cookbook: America’s Test Kitchen: The Best Simple Recipes Amy’s favorite recipe app: Treehouse Table And our new obsession! Our podcast’s latest sponsor: HelloFresh. HelloFresh delivers weekly recipes and fresh ingredients straight to your doorstep. Last night Amy made their Veggie-Loaded Orzo with Sausage. Margaret and her husband made the Chicken Cheddar Fajitas. People, they were devoured. No planning, no shopping, no complaining. We are huge fans! We think you should try HelloFresh for your family-and you can get $30 off your first HelloFresh delivery by going to hellofresh.com and entering the code mother30. What’s your go-to dinner? Tell us in the comments or on our Facebook page! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

“What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood” is a hilarious podcast exploring the joys and challenges of parenthood and adulting in general. Join hosts Amy Wilson and Margaret Ables as they navigate motherhood, careers, relationships, and the ever-changing landscape of women’s lives with a little research, a big dose of relatable stories, and a whole lot of laughter. “What Fresh Hell” is a Webby-honored podcast with 12 million downloads and hundreds of episodes. Use the search function in the upper-right corner to find the topics you want to hear more about. From toddlers to teens, from toxic positivity to rejoining the workforce, we’ve talked about it. Listen to "What Fresh Hell" wherever you get your podcasts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices