What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

If your kids are home more right now, chances are they're gaming more. Part of that is just going with the flow of this moment. But as any mom whose kid can game all afternoon will tell you, the problem comes when it's time to turn them OFF. There's never a good time (and no, your kids aren't lying; the games are designed that way). And there's no question video games are addicting- in a recent study, 6 out of 10 teens said they'd made their own attempts, apart from parental influence, to cut back. But the evidence linking gaming to hyperactivity, aggression, and worse grades at school is more tenuous than you might think. And there are distinct, significant advantages that gaming can give kids. In this episode, we discuss the good and bad of gaming, plus how to set household policies around gaming that will make everyone happy. Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Adam Lobel et al: Video Gaming and Children’s Psychosocial Wellbeing: A Longitudinal Study Dawnthea Price Lisco for Slate Parenting: Decide What Age-Appropriate Means To You Science Daily: Video game ratings work, if you use them Science Daily: School, health and behavior suffer when children have TV, video games in bedroom Pew Research Center: Teens hold mixed opinions about whether they spend too much time in front of screens … Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Margaret or Amy answers a listener's most pressing question. This week Margaret answers the question, "How Do I Get My Kids to Help Keep the House Clean?" Submit your questions to [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Does self-care mean ice cream? Facial serums? Leaning in? Saying no? Taking yoga? According to our listeners, it means all of the above. In this episode, we talk both about how to arrive at your personal definition of self-care, and how to prioritize it, so your self-care practice will be there for you when you need it. You can't just meditate extra on the day your kids both get the stomach flu. Self-care is a program you kind of need to have running in the background all the time. Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Jacqueline Baker for The Mighty: When Self-Care Means Saying 'No' Tim Herrera for NYT Smarter Living: How to Make ‘Self-Care’ Actually Feel Like Self-Care Jenny Odell: How To Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy Deanna Zandt: The Unspoken Complexity of 'Self-Care' Claire Zulkey for Romper: The Hardest Thing To Do Is 'Less' Of All That Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Amy answers: "How do I get Grandma to stop plopping the kids in front of screens?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In-law relationships are close by design, not by choice. No wonder they're complicated. We heard from listeners who have fantastic in-laws, and others for whom no contact at all is the only option. In this episode, we discuss whether mothers-in-law, in particular, get a bad rap how many sit-downs you're allowed to have ever (spoiler alert: three) how to operate from a standpoint of maximum available generosity how to "watch your ratios" to improve your relationship with your spouse's parents Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Madeleine A. Fugère Ph.D. for Psychology Today: Why You and Your Mother-in-Law May Not Get Along Karen L. Fingerman, Megan Gilligan, Laura VanderDrift, and Lindsay Pitzer: In-law Relationships Before and After Marriage Margarita Tartakovsky for Psych Central: How Healthy Couples Deal with Their In-Laws The Naked Marriage Podcast: Healthy Boundaries with In-Laws Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Margaret tackles the question, "Should I take my child to a funeral?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There are times when we say "Where did this kid come from?!" and it's totally exciting, like: I'm kind of a shy person, and my kid can talk to anyone. I am completely uncoordinated, and my kid's on the all-state gymnastics team. Then there are the times when perceiving our kids as nothing like us can make us apprehensive, as in: I am the most outgoing person in the world, and my kid won't even make eye contact. I loved being on the softball team, and my kid cries if she strikes out. As parents, we can get a little stuck on figuring out how to close that gap, by clamping down on the things that feel unfamiliar, trying to change the ways our kids are differently wired so that their lives will be easier (as in, more like our own). But we risk missing the kid that's there in front of us while we try to parent the kid we thought we were going to have. In this episode, we talk about how to be okay with that gap, rather than wishing it away, and how to support our kids' dreams even when they slightly baffle us. We also discuss the excellent book Far From The Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity, in which Andrew Solomon tells the stories of parents who not only learn to deal with their exceptional children, but also find profound meaning in doing so. We're going to be okay. So are they. Here are links to other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Associated Press: Non-athletic parents may have best advantage with sports-minded kids Julia Ries for Family Education: My Kid is Nothing Like Me Erin Zammett Ruddy for Real Simple: How to Parent a Kid Who's Nothing Like You and for an opposite point of view, this episode of our own podcast: What To Do When They're Just Like You Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers one listener's question. This week Amy answers a question from a woman who is preparing for a family move and wants to know how to explain it to her four-year-old. Submit your questions to: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

In a world where kids get big praise for hitting their developmental milestones ahead of schedule- he sat up before six months! She was talking in sentences before her second birthday!- there are still times and places to let kids be little. Letting kids be little means maybe they are wiggly worms when you'd like them to be sitting still. Letting kids be little means letting them come back and touch base with you, and then leave, and come back, and then leave, and come back. Letting kids be little means letting them still have those things that the world says they’re too big for. It means encouraging them to do and to have what they love, even if it isn't cool. Here’s how we try to let our kids be little, and how it has made our kids’ lives (and ours) more joyful. We find that we have the most fun in our families when we're the silliest-and when we let the kids be the littlest. Here are links to research and other writing we discuss in this episode: Dr. Ned Hallowell for Parents League: Protecting Childhood Meredith Ethington for Scary Mommy: I Finally Get What They Mean By ‘Let Them Be Little’ Dr. Perri Klass for The New York Times: Offering Kids a Taste of Alcohol Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Margaret tackles the question, "Should I try to put a stop to my kids' constant potty talk?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Every mom has struggles. Every mom has dark times. Too often, those are the times when we stop showing up in our lives, thinking that our problems make us less worthy. As psychologist Dr. Susan Silver explains, “Women often don't feel that they deserve help— or they think something is wrong with them, and that they've failed in some way, if they have to go to somebody else for help.” But our personal unsolvable crisis might be perceived by a friend as a challenge. And allowing ourselves to say "I stink at this a lot of the time" opens us up to a better, richer life experience than when we only share our carefully curated selves. There are risks to being authentic. The payoffs are worth it. Our guest is Kristina Kuzmic, author of the new book HOLD ON, BUT DON’T HOLD STILL: Hope and Humor from My Seriously Flawed Life. Kristina offers hard-won wisdom to all of us who have ever struggled to feel good enough, and her book is full both of hilarity and of serious wisdom about staying in community, even when our lives are messy. Here's how Kristina puts it: “We are not meant to walk through this life alone. Name any situation you want to improve, and I guarantee you you'll get there faster and more effectively if you reach out to others.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Amy tackles the question, "What can I do about a biter at my kid's daycare?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked our listeners if there was a time in their lives when they had to make the hard or unconventional choice in order to do what was right for their kids. From potty-training to red-shirting to homeschooling to adoption, these are some of the times the moms in our tribe had to go with their guts. If there's anything we've learned as parents, it's that that "nagging feeling" is something that should usually be acknowledged. (That goes for when it's the doctor or teacher having that nagging feeling, too, even if we ourselves do not.) Whether it's with doctors, teachers, coaches, or well-meaning relatives, here's how to have the tough conversations and stand up for your kid. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Margaret tackles the question, "How can I increase my child's self-esteem?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We all fall into the trap of thinking that every day with our kids has to contain a “snowglobe moment,” a social-media-worthy image of perfect joy for our entire family. And even if part of us knows that’s not realistic, another part of us thinks that it’s all supposed to be fun. That there must be something wrong with us if we don’t love every single moment of our chaotic lives with little ones. But once we kick that shame to the curb, there really are ways to make our lives as parents more fun and lighthearted. Even on a regular Tuesday. In this episode, we discuss: How we can be lighthearted, even when things aren’t fun How we can have fun even when things aren’t easy How we can have fun even when our kids definitely aren’t Our basic takeaway: parenting definitely gets a little more fun as our kids get a little bit easier… and by “easier,” we mean “not throwing themselves into mortal danger every ninety seconds because they don’t know any better.” The first step to having more fun may simply be to wish that it were so. As motivational speaker Danielle LaPorte explains: “Knowing how you want to feel is the most potent form of clarity you can have.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener question. This week Amy tackles the question, "How can I get my daughter to do more for herself?" Submit your question- we might answer yours next! [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

There are these things that you just don't understand why anybody would do. But some people do them. We aren't about judgment at the What Fresh Hell podcast, but we do sometimes have to ask: what kind of monster? What kind of monster listens to videos on speaker? Or keeps the keyboard clicks on their phone? What kind of monster takes up two parking spots? Puts empty cereal boxes back in the cabinet? Gives small children toys with one hundred tiny pieces? We went to our Facebook page and we asked people to share what kind of monsters they were encountering on a daily basis. In this episode we explore quite a few. And here's a disclaimer: we may each have been one or more of these monsters before. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Toddlers are the great equalizer: no matter how strong you think you are, the short fat dictator has what it takes to break you. If you're in the throes of toddlerhood, we salute you. Knowing that it won't last forever can help. Knowing that tantrums are a biological imperative also helps. Still, it's a good thing their adorable faces and fat little dimpled hands activate pleasure and reward regions in literally every human brain, cause they BETTER be cute, is what we're saying. In this episode, we commiserate and troubleshoot life with toddlers with guest Clint Edwards, author of Silence is a Scary Sound: And Other Stories on Living Through the Terrible Twos and Threes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener's most pressing question. Today Amy answers the question, "How can I deal with this fussy baby?" Submit your parenting dilemmas to [email protected]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Take our listener survey! Here's the link: https://bit.ly/whatfreshhellsurvey The best way to handle our children’s anger is to equip them with the tools to handle it themselves. You don’t have to smother children's emotions in order to calm them down; as your kids get older, you really can't. But you don’t need to throw up your hands and accommodate their anger and everything that comes with it, either. We talk at length in this episode about an excellent book for kids on this topic: “What To Do When Your Temper Flares: A Kid’s Guide To Overcoming Problems With Anger.”by Dawn Huebner. The book is aimed at grade-schoolers, but there’s much to learn in here for kids of all ages (and their parents)! Whether your kid is 4 or 14, this episode will help you stand outside their storms and get your calm house back a little sooner. If you’d like a transcript of this episode, you can find it here: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/2020/01/angermanagementtranscript/, If you’d like to do a deep-dive on anger management for parents, check out our “Sometimes We Lose It” episode here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Margaret or Amy tackles a listener's most pressing question. This week Margaret answers the question, "How can I get my kids to care about things I think are important?" Submit your questions at [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

One of our very favorite things to say on this podcast, “back to one," is a term you'll hear dozens of times a day on any television or film set. It means resetting everything about a scene-- the cameras, the actors, the extras, the dollar bill that gets handed over, the coffee cup that gets picked up-- in order to do another take of that same scene. There's never any sense of disappointment or whose-fault-was-it judgment involved in doing a "back to one." It's just a reset so you can try it all again. We apply "back to one" to all areas of our parenting lives that need a reset, whether it's twice a month or once every ninety seconds (take that deep, cleansing breath). And as we look to a new decade, we're making this new year's goals "back to ones" as well. We're skipping the part where we feel bad that we didn't read all the books we said we would last year. We're just saying "back to one" and resetting that intention for the coming year. Here are what our listeners told us their "back to ones" for the new year are, plus a few of our own. We'll be resetting a lot, including what it means to have resolutions and goals for the new year in the first place. A reset is not a failure. It’s just what happens next. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Margaret or Amy tackles a listener's most pressing question. This week Amy answers the question, "How can we teach our three-year-old son that he has to share his toys with his soon-to-crawl baby sister?" Amy mentions this article by Sarah S. MacLaughlin for Zero to Three- it's full of great suggestions on this topic: http://https://www.zerotothree.org/resources/1964-helping-young-children-with-sharing Submit your questions at [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret tackles a listener's most pressing question. This week Margaret answers, "How do I handle splitting time between my parents and my husband's parents at the holidays?" Submit your questions to [email protected]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Experts say happiness is often purer in the anticipation of an event. The reality can be a little more messy. And at no time of year is that sentiment more true than during the holiday season. We asked our listeners to tell us their holiday worsts, and in this episode we discuss them all, plus a few of our own. Hams glazed with norovirus! Toddlers sleeping in airports! And of course, everyone's favorite Yuletide treat: The Vomiting Christmas Baby! And yet those are the holidays we remember best. Which makes it (almost) all worth it. Think your holiday season has been a little crazy? Hold our eggnog. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

FOMO, or the “fear of missing out,” was a term coined around 2011 to describe the feeling you get when you see friends on social media posting about lives just a little more exciting than your own. Behavioral researcher Dan Ariely calls it "the worry that tugs at the corners of our minds, set off by the fear of regret." It's a feeling definitely made worse by the constant ability we all have to check in on what other people are doing. According to a 2016 survey, three-quarters of parents use Facebook; 61% of those parents check it several times a day. "We get online to check on what everyone else is doing on a wonderful summer afternoon," writer Susan Narjala explains, "and it takes about ten seconds to feel worse about ourselves and our lives." But even when we succeed in unplugging, FOMO can rear its head in real life. And once we become parents, the FOMO we feel on our kids' behalf-- the party invites that don't come, the Disney World vacations we can't afford right now-- can seriously interfere with our happiness. In this episode, we discuss when we've felt FOMO in our own lives, why we tend to feel more envious of our neighbor's house than, say, Beyoncé's, and how to stop the compare-and-despair when it all gets to be a little too much. Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Jason Goldman for Scientific American: Why Bronze Medalists Are Happier Than Silver Winners Susan Narjala for Motherly: Five Ways To FOMO-Proof Your Parenting Jenny Evans for Scary Mommy: We Have FOMO For Our Children, And We Need To Get Over It ASAP Jenna Wortham for The New York Times: Feel Like a Wallflower? Maybe It's Your Facebook Wall. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Do you respond to the idea of "practicing" gratitude with a heavy dose of nope? In this episode we discuss the science behind the gratitude>>happiness>>more gratitude>>more happiness loop. Studies have proven that regularly expressing gratitude actually changes the structures of our brains to make us healthier and happier, thanks to something called "positive recall bias." In other words, if you start looking out for yellow cars, you'll suddenly see them wherever you go. Wouldn't we all be better off living in a happier, yellowier-car world? And what if getting to that point was 1) not that hard and 2) kind of fun also? Our guest this week is Nancy Davis Kho, author of the new book The Thank-You Project: Cultivating Happiness One Letter of Gratitude at a Time. Nancy's book is a lovely meditation on gratitude, and also a how-to guide to starting your own thank-you-letter-writing project. We loved this book! If you'd like to hear more about raising grateful kids , we've got an episode for that too! Just click the link- or if you're not seeing a link, go to bit.ly/WFHgratefulkids. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whining is what experts call a “low-power strategy of dominance.” Kids do it because it’s what’s available to them. Since it drives parents bonkers, it’s remarkably effective. And it turns out whining really is as annoying as we think it is. A recent study tested whether adults (non-parents and parents both) were more distracted by whining than other sounds. The result? Everyone in the study, whether they had kids or not, found the sound of a whining toddler twice as distracting as the sound of a table saw screeching at full volume. As effective as this "auditory sensitivity" is, no wonder most humans between the ages of two and four learn to take full advantage. Still, there are things we can do to make the whining bother us less, which will make it less effective, which will make our kids do it less, and look who's got a strategy of dominance now? In this episode, we discuss the best ways to deal with whiners, and how to perhaps greet it with a bit more generosity. We might as well; we're probably stuck with it. As parenting specialist Bonnie Harris puts it: "Whining is as developmental and normal in a toddler’s life as discovering the pleasure of saying “no." Don’t think about teaching your child not to do it. Do think about ways you can help yourself deal with it calmly and perhaps shorten its duration." Here are links to research on whining that we discuss in this episode: Bonnie Harris for Christian Science Monitor: Five parenting tips to put a stop to your child's whining Dr. Guy Winch for Psychology Today: A Simple Trick to Get Your Kid to Stop Whining Erin Leyba for Motherly: It’s science: Kids whine for a (very good) reason Jonathan Allen for Reuters: Study: Child's whining one of life's most distracting sounds Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Each week Amy or Margaret answers a listener's most pressing parenting question. Today Margaret tackles the question, "Should I throw away the diapers to encourage my kiddo to commit to potty training?" Submit yours! [email protected]. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's hard not to be a little nervous when your kid is the only one still crying at preschool dropoff. Or the only one still spelling everything wrong in third grade. Sometimes it turns out to be a late bloomer situation, nothing to worry about. Sometimes it's an early indicator of something your kid might struggle with for a long time. How do we move beyond our own stress about what our kids are and aren't doing like the rest of the bunch? How do we adjust our demands to meet what our kids are actually capable of? How do we set our parental expectations so that our kids will be motivated to try harder without feeling bad about themselves? It's a tricky balance, best summed up by parent coach Sarah Wayland: "If we never had expectations that were beyond our children’s current abilities, we wouldn’t teach them anything.... But I’m at my absolute worst as a parent when my expectations are far beyond my kids’ abilities." Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Joanna Faber: Manage Your Expectations, Not Your Child Terri Mauro for Very Well Family: Backward Chaining for Special-Needs Children Dr. Sarah C. Wayland for Guiding Exceptional Parents: Meet Your Kids Where They Are Elaine Taylor-Klaus for Impact ADHD: Shift Your Expectations to Manage Complex Kids Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked the listeners to tell us their extremely minor annoyances of motherhood-- the smaller and more seemingly inconsequential, the better, because it turns out those are things that really make us loco. From soggy bath toys, to pushing swings, to the toddler who spins around and offers the wrong arm to be put into the held-up coat sleeve, here are many of the teeny-tiny things that drive moms insane. Join the fun on our Facebook page! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Anyone old enough to remember TV antennas and New Coke usually says that things were way better in the free-wheeling, simple-living, “don't come home till it's getting dark outside” days of our childhoods. But were they really? And what about for our parents? From maternity clothes to snow days to school nights to movie nights, in this episode we decide whether the things that loom largest in our lives as kids (and now as moms) are Better Then or Better Now. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The "invisible workload" has become shorthand for the never-ending to-do list that moms keep in our heads-- because much of that work is invisible to the people we do it for, let alone the larger world. That work falls to us because moms tend to be the default parent, whatever our outside-the-home workload (or that of our spouses) might be. Are you the one who leaves work when the baby throws up at day care? Do you know which closet the wrapping paper is in- and if you're almost out? Is it your calendar that keeps track of when your kid has to bring the snack for soccer? Yup, us too. Most of us get majorly resentful about this invisible work. Some of us make lists of it all (to make it more visible). Those lists make us mad. Not very much changes. We start to think that this is just the way it has to be. But we don't have to fall for the old chestnut that women are just better at multitasking, and so we might as well keep doing it all. As professor of neurogenetics Dr. Pat Levitt explains: "I don't know of any research that shows women are better multitaskers than men. In fact, multitasking is bad for everyone because our brains are not built to deal with more than one complex thing at a time." This week's guest tells us how to effect actual change in our household distribution of labor by putting new systems in place that work for everyone. Eve Rodsky is author of the new book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution For When You Have Too Much To Do (And More Life To Live), and she's showing us all a path forward to create the relationships and households that we deserve. Don't miss this interview! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

No matter what ages our kids are, when they need rescuing, they look to Mom. And whether we rescue them or not, we’re left second-guessing whatever it is we just did. Did you bring that forgotten lunch to school? Nice helicoptering, loser! Did you leave your kid to figure out his own way home from baseball when it was getting dark? Really, how can you live with yourself? In this episode, we talk about all the situations our kids have (and will) want rescuing from, and whether or not each requires our stepping in-- and how to know. We discuss: why “natural consequences” for your forgetful kid doesn’t mean she’ll remember her cleats next time; the structures and scaffolding you can put in place so kids can start rescuing themselves; and why “muscle confusion” isn’t just for the gym. Basically, we think that if your kids blow it once in a while, you should go ahead and bring them the right shoes. But don’t forget to give your kids the gifts of solving their own problems once in a while. As parenting expert Dr. Robin Berman explains: "If you want to have happy kids, you have to teach them to tolerate being unhappy." Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Dr. Robin Berman for Goop: The Misguided Desire of Wanting Our Kids to be Happy Carolyn Dalgiesh: The Sensory Child Gets Organized: Proven Systems for Rigid, Anxious, or Distracted Kids Dr. Sarah Sarkis for Hey Sigmund: ‘I Just Want Them to Be Okay’ – Why Rescuing Our Kids Can Get in Their Way Dr. Michael G. Thompson: When Should A Forgetful Nine-Year-Old Suffer Consequences? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Have you ever felt coerced into parenting in a way you usually wouldn’t because you were in public? Does the tsk-ing disapproval of Aunt Joan feel even worse than eyerolls from strangers? Do you discipline your kids differently in front of friends who might hold a tighter line, even if it's in your house? Do you ever give a "now you listen to me, young man" lecture to one of your kids primarily for the benefit of his or her siblings? For better and for worse, parenting with an audience means doing things differently. In this episode we discuss what to say to well-meaning (but still interfering) onlookers with front-row seats to your kid's tantrum without making What That Lady Must Think your primary focus. As parenting columnist Sarah Coyne reminds us, we should focus on strengthening our connections with our kids rather than pleasing the onlookers. Kids need consistent, reliable, trustworthy parents who don’t change their game plan based upon who’s acting as witness." Here are links to other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Sarah Coyne for The Joplin Globe: Parenting with an audience changes the rules Dr. Laura Markham for Aha! Parenting: 14 Tips for Parenting in Public Odd Loves Company: Parenting For An Audience Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What is it about the kid who throws sand that other kids find so irresistible? How do we keep our kids away from bad influences in their lives, especially as they get older? And why do parents sometimes peg exactly the wrong kids as good influences? In this episode we discuss what age groups are most susceptible to peer influence (good and bad), how to approach the parent of a suspected bad-influencer, and how to teach our kids to approach these situations on their own. As Timothy Verduin, a professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at NYU, explains: "If you want kids who are resilient, you can’t isolate them from social pathogens. Think about the long view, that you’re training them to handle less-than-ideal people and solve their own problems." Here are links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Jennifer Bleyer for Real Simple: 9 Bad Influences on Your Child (or You) Diana Simeon for Your Teen Mag: When to Call Another Parent About Teenage Behavior Problems Laurence Steinberg and Kathryn C. Monahan, Developmental Psychology: Age Differences in Resistance to Peer Influence Laurence Steinberg, Temple University: Peer influence on risk taking, risk preference, and risky decision making in adolescence and adulthood: an experimental study George Packer for The Atlantic: When The Culture War Comes For The Kids Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked the members of our Facebook group for your "hot takes"- that is to say, the things you feel insanely strongly about while the rest of the world is seemingly indifferent. From athleisure to mayonnaise to french-fry consistency to the enduring fame of Coldplay, these are your extremely fervent hot takes and unpopular opinions. Should pizza ever, under any circumstances, be topped with pineapple? Should trophies for mere participation be forever banned? Was Dr. Seuss not that great of an actual writer? Here's what all of you really, really want the rest of us to know. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What should we as parents do when the well-meaning grandparents in our lives are overindulgent of their grandchildren? Or undermine our parenting choices? And what do we do with our own hurt feelings when our parents don't seem very interested in our kids at all? In this episode we talk about how to create a grandparent relationship that works for everyone. It's worth the effort. Take it from our friend Belinda Luscombe, who when it comes to navigating this relationship, reminds us of the ever-present upside: "Don't let the opportunity of getting to know your in-laws or parents in a different way pass you by." Here are links to some writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Susan Newman, Ph.D: Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories With Your Grandchildren Jaycee Dunn for Parents: What to Do About Uninvolved Grandparents Jo Piazza for Parents: From Toxic Mother to Loving Grandmother: How I Learned to Forgive My Mom After My Son Was Born Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Kids don't usually seek to lose their dependence on us as parents- and why should they? Doesn’t a grilled cheese taste so much better when Mom makes it? So it’s up to us to teach our kids independence, and that means showing them how an ATM works sometime before they leave for college. How do we start the nest-leaving process early and often? Our guest is Lisa Heffernan, co-creator of the parenting-older-kids website Grown and Flown. She and Lisa Heffernan are the co-authors of the new book Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults. Lisa says yes, we should start preparing our kids now to survive without us— but she’s not arguing for tough love as the only answer, whether our kids are three or twenty-three. “Being involved in your kid’s life does NOT make you a helicopter parent,” Lisa says. "It makes you a loving, supportive parent.” It’s often harder, longer, and more complicated to make our kids do something than to just do it for them. But this week we’re going to find a moment, allow a bit of extra time, and walk our kids through a task they are eminently capable of doing for themselves. The pride they’ll feel— even if the results are imperfect— will be worth celebrating. Here are links to some other writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Melissa Deuter for Psychology Today: 5 Steps to Help Your Teen Leave the Nest Rachel Martin for Your Teen Mag: The Perfect Present: Fostering Teen Independence Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Helicopter moms, snowplow moms, tiger moms, free-range moms… we usually define all of these parenting types in the negative: well, at least I’m not THAT. But are there useful takeaways from each of these parenting styles that we can combine cafeteria-style to create our own? Can we reject some of the judginess of free-range parenting, or the tyranny of tiger momming, and still find things to love? What do we miss when we reject other moms' ways of doing things full-stop? Here are links to the books and articles we mention in this episode: Frank Bruni: Where You Go Is Not Who You'll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania Amy Chua: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother Foster Cline and Jim Fay: Parenting With Love and Logic Nancy Gibbs for Time: Roaring Tigers, Anxious Choppers The Grammarphobia Blog: The Original Tiger Mother? Dr. James R. Laider for Autism Watch: The "Refrigerator Mother" Hypothesis of Autism Heather Marcoux for Motherly: 'Snowplow parents' and the lessons we can take from them Jessica McCrory Calarco for The Atlantic: 'Free Range' Parenting's Unfair Double Standard Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich for NYT: How Parents Are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood Arti Patel for Global News: ‘Panda parenting’ is all about giving children more freedom — but does it work? Katie Roiphe for Slate: The Seven Myths of Helicopter Parenting Lenore Skenazy: Free-Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry) Emma Waverman for Today's Parent: Snowplow Parenting: The Latest Controversial Technique Esther Wojcicki for Time: I Raised Two CEOs and a Doctor. These Are My Secrets to Parenting Successful Children Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked you to tell us your spouses’ most unacceptable-- and also extremely minor-- household infractions. 356 of you responded. Whether it’s turning off the AC because it's "too cold" at 75 degrees, creating a Sock Mountain of not-quite-dirty-enough laundry, or pausing Netflix to point out plot holes, this episode explores everything spouses do that is trivially horrible. It must also be said: while these offenses are most often properly termed as Husband Crimes, this episode proves that Wives can also be guilty of using ten water glasses in one day, or of eating potato chips too loudly. It seems that no marriage is entirely free of Spouse Crimes. You are heard. You deserve justice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most little kids have an ironclad sense of right and wrong and are most happy to report on whoever might not be sharing in the dress-up corner. But as they get older, the stakes get a lot higher- for them, for us, and for the kid being "told on." When should kids tell? In this episode we discuss: the difference between "tattling" and telling, and whether telling kids "no tattling" is causing other problems; the difference between surprises and secrets; what to do when kids say, "I'm not sure if I should tell you this"; and whom kids should tell when they can't (or won't) tell you. Here are links to some of the research and writing on the topic discussed in this episode: Amy Morin for Very Well Family: Why Parents Shouldn't Tell Kids to Keep Secrets Marisa Cohen for Real Simple: How Much Privacy Should You Give Your Kids? Valerie Reiss for Great Schools: Does Saying "Don't Tattle" Send Kids the Wrong Message? Heidi Stevens for the Chicago Tribune: Tattling is bad, except when it's not Together Against Bullying: Telling vs. Tattling Teachers Pay Teachers: Tattling vs. Telling Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Is there such a thing as a too-imaginative kid? Parenting experts say no. Dr. Paul Harris, professor of education at Harvard and author of The Work of the Imagination, says that kids’ active imaginations are “essentially positive” and represent cognitive work, the way that children make sense of the world. But if you’ve got a kid who prefers her imaginary friend to making real ones— or who terrorizes the first grade by explaining how zombies can get into one’s home through the radiator— you might still wonder whether there comes a time to tamp it all down and force our kids to deal with reality. In this episode we talk about the considerable upsides of a huge imagination why some children have imaginary friends why some kids engage in “worldplay” for their imaginary worlds long after the other kids have moved on how to help anxious kids whose imaginations can become overly active how to encourage kids to engage in more imaginative play And here’s links to the books, articles, and research we discuss in this episode: Lauren Child's ⁠⁠Charlie and Lola book series⁠⁠, featuring the kind-of-visible Soren Lorensen Louise Fitzhugh: ⁠⁠Harriet the Spy⁠⁠ Dr. Robin Alter: ⁠Anxiety and the Gift of Imagination⁠ Paul L. Harris, ⁠⁠The Work of the Imagination⁠⁠ Joshua A. Krisch for Fatherly: ⁠⁠Brilliant Kids Visit (and Create) Imaginary Worlds⁠⁠ Michelle Root-Bernstein: ⁠⁠The Creation of Imaginary Worlds⁠⁠ Marjorie Taylor: ⁠⁠Imaginary Companions and the Children Who Create Them ⁠⁠ Deena Skolnik Weissberg: ⁠⁠Distinguishing Imagination From Reality Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most of us have been (for better and for worse) recipients of the “only Mommy” level of attention from our little ones-- the sort of singular devotion that leaves our partners decidedly out in the cold. Many of us have also been on the outside looking in, with "Daddy’s girl" giving us none of the love, just eye rolls and the distinct impression that we rank not only second, but dead last. Why do kids prefer one parent over the other? Why do those allegiances shift? Are we supposed to ignore it, and our hurt feelings, because it’s normal and developmentally appropriate? Or are there times when we should push back against this behavior? Will it get even worse if we don't? Here are links to research and other writing on the topic we discuss in this episode: Janet Lansbury: When Children Prefer One Parent/ Ellen Weber Libby Ph.D. for Psychology Today: IS THERE A FAVORITE PARENT?/ Carl Pickhardt for Psychology Today: Adolescence and the Case of Odd Parent Out/ Kendra Cherry for Very Well Mind: The Oedipus Complex in Children Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

According to the US Department of Labor, more than a third of college-educated women pause their careers for some amount of time to raise their children. But the jobs we leave behind aren't usually waiting for us with open arms. How do we own the time we've spent out of the workforce raising kids without apologizing for it? How do we re-enter careers that have shifted in our absence- or create entirely new opportunities for ourselves? We talk it all out with guest Christina Geist, a brand strategist, entrepreneur and children’s book author who lives in New York City with her husband, NBC and MSNBC host Willie Geist, and her two children. Her second children's book, Sorry Grown-Ups, You Can't Go To School!,is just out from Random House. In this episode Christina tells us how she bridged the mom gap and launched "a 2.0 version of myself in my 40s that my 20s self would have been so relieved to meet." Find out more about Christina, her new book, and Boombox Gifts on her website: christinageist.com. Here are links to the research and writing on the mom gap that we discuss in this episode: Katie Weisshaar for Harvard Business Review: Stay-at-Home Moms Are Half as Likely to Get a Job Interview as Moms Who Got Laid Off Dorie Clark for Harvard Business Review: How Stay-at-Home Parents Can Transition Back to Work Lisa Evans for Fast Company: 5 Ways To Eliminate The Stay-At-Home Mom Gap Lisen Stronberg: Work PAUSE Thrive: How to Pause for Parenthood Without Killing Your Career Wendy Wallbridge: Spiraling Upward: The 5 Co-Creative Powers for Women on the Rise Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Most parenting experts say being our kids’ safe space includes letting some amount of their snarkiness roll off our backs. It’s normal. Don’t take it personally. And knowing that it’s universal helps. Sometimes. A little. But we still struggle. Shouldn’t we insist on respect from our kids? And what happens when the eye-rolling and "God, Mom, don't you know anything?" really starts to wear us down? In this episode we discuss why kids take things out on us as parents (spoiler alert: it gets worse before it gets better) and how we can lower our reactivity in order to respond more effectively. Here’s links to research and other writing on the topic that we discuss: Christa Santangelo, PhD: A New Theory of Teenagers (book) Alice G. Walton for The Atlantic: 12 Ways to Mess Up Your Kids Sara Bean for Empowering Parents: “I Hate You, Mom! I Wish You Were Dead!” — When Kids Say Hurtful Things Kim Abraham for Empowering Parents: Anger, Rage and Explosive Outbursts: How to Respond to Your Child or Teen’s Anger Janet Lehman for Empowering Parents: Do Your Kids Respect You? 9 Ways to Change Their Attitude Stephanie Klindt: 10 Ways To Set Appropriate Boundaries With Teens Dr. Wendy Mogel: Mothers, don't take teen rejection personally Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What is empathy, exactly? It involves both emotion and action. For our kids, it’s an acquired skill- one that needs our guidance and encouragement to be cultivated. Here’s how to model and teach empathetic behavior. In this episode we discuss why empathy needs to be taught in the first place, when is the right age to start, the difference between pity and empathy, and how becoming more empathetic can benefit yourself (and your own kids) just as it benefits others. Amy Webb says that establishing sameness is a great place to start: "Once your child has some understanding that some people are different, now is a great time to find some common ground: 'I bet she likes a lot of the same toys/games/food that you like.' You can then ask the child or the child’s caregiver what they like to do. Establishing sameness is KEY. This is when the light goes on and children realize, 'Oh, she’s just another kid, like me. We are more alike than different!'" Here are links to research and other writing on empathy that we discuss in this episode: Jacqueline Woodson’s Each Kindness is an award-winning book for school-aged children about what happens when empathy is not chosen Amy Webb for A Cup of Jo: How To Navigate a Special Needs Encounter Katie Hurley for Scary Mommy: How Can I Teach My Child Empathy? Sumathi Reddy for the Wall Street Journal: Little Children and Already Acting Mean Dr. Chris McCarthy: Turn Around Anxiety Photo by Charlein Gracia on Unsplash Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We asked our listeners to tell us their go-to House Rules. Whether these words to live by are hanging in your kitchen written in cutesy script on a faux-weathered piece of wood (“in this house we give hugs”) or have been implanted in your children’s brains simply by your repeatedly screaming them, here are your (and our) best House Rules for: screens, fighting, pets, personal space, the dinner table, sleep, Saturdays, secrets, and being nice. Join the conversation in our Facebook group! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Mom tribes are a thing… for some of us. Others find it harder to make and maintain fun, easygoing friendships with other parents. But should we feel bad if we don’t have a “Sex and the City”-style group that are all equally close and whom we see three times a week? Our listener Hester describes a mom tribe this way: like-minded moms with similar age kids who have one another's backscan be one or many, depending on your comfort level more precious than ever when the traditional support system of close family is not availableIn this episode, we discuss our listeners’ advice on how to find mom tribes, how to deepen connections with the one you may already have-- plus whether online tribes count (yes). In a day and age when our siblings and parents might live far away, it’s worth investing ourselves in the communities that can happen wherever we are. Here's how writer Jenny Anderson explains it: I used to think that community was as simple as having friends who bring a lasagna when things fall apart and champagne when things go well. Who pick up your kids from school when you can’t. But I think community is also an insurance policy against life’s cruelty; a kind of immunity against loss and disappointment and rage. My community will be here for my family if I cannot be. And if I die, my kids will be surrounded people who know and love them, quirks and warts and oddities and all. By the way, our Facebook group is a tribe of really cool, funny, supportive parents- join us! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Studies show that risky play creates what Dr. Ellen Sandseter calls a “motivating, thrilling activation,” building self-confidence and self-esteem. Message received: we’re supposed to allow our kids to take risks. But how risky? Like thin-ice risky? What if our kids are fraidy-cats? What if we are? In this episode we discuss the differences between risks and hazards and how to bring healthy doses of risk into our kids’ lives. Our kids need to learn what discomfort is- and how to deal with it- in order to feel competent and confident in the world. We also talk expanding the boundaries of what’s acceptable for our little ones with Evangeline Lilly— yes, that Evangeline Lilly! The award-winning star of TV’s Lost and films like Avengers: Endgame and The Hobbit is also the author of The Squickerwonkers book series, which Evangeline wrote to "open a portal for children of all ages to face and talk about the darker sides of their own natures.” Think Lemony Snicket meets Edward Gorey, with impossibly gorgeous illustrations by Rodrigo Bastos Didier. Here’s links to research and other writing we discuss in this episode: Jennifer King Lindley for Parents: Science Says Let Your Kid Push Boundaries Dr. Mariana Brussoni: Risky Play: Losing a Childhood "Right" of Passage- and a Tool to Help Protect That Right Dr. Ellen Sandseter et all: Children's Risky Play from an Evolutionary Perspective: The Anti-Phobic Effects of Thrilling Experiences Susan Davis and Nancy Eppler-Wolff: Raising Children Who Soar: A Guide to Risk Taking in an Uncertain World. Dr. Jim Taylor: Positive Pushing: How to Raise a Successful and Happy Child Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices